Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 38: Pants Predicaments and Feeding Your Waiter

Episode Date: March 11, 2019

When do you move on from a great pair of pants that no longer fit? How do you recover from absentmindedly shouting “You too!” at a waiter who tells you to enjoy your food? Does aggressive eating lead to excessive mouth trauma? As always, the Spitballers cleared their busy schedules to answer some of life’s toughest questions for you. This episode is wrapped up with a draft of the ‘Coolest Vehicles from TV & Movies’. Connect with the show: Visit us on the web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, spit wads, when you run out of this great show and you're like, I want more shows, you can get access to our entire archive at spitballerspod.com. You can become an official spit wad of our Patreon, have access to everything we've ever made, ad free at spitballerspod.com. what happens when three buffoons give life advice explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve it's the spitballers podcast with andy mike and jason Having fun with the friends No one's listening anymore Oh, that was rough That was terrible Rough Welcome to the spitballers

I'm sorry Breaking news I forgot a belt today Welcome to the spitballers. I'm sorry. Breaking news. I forgot a belt today. Oh, it's been a delight watching him struggle with his pants all the live long day. I believe last time I saw you trying to correct the problem, you took an extension cord and tied your front two loops together. It was a power strip. It was, and he threaded through, and then he was ready for electricity. He was ready to get plugged in.

That's true. I mean, it was kind of a perfect storm today because there's one part like, okay, if I forgot a belt, because we work out in the morning and then come in to do the show, we shower here at the office, and this is a rarity. But if it happened, these were not the pants to happen with. and then come in to do the show. We shower here at the office. And, you know, this is a rarity. But if it happened, these were not the pants to happen with. Are these not new pants?

They are older pants. Well, I mean, congratulations. You're talking about working out. Your old pants, they don't fit anymore. All right, let's spin this in the right direction. Yeah. You're the one who's going to be like, by the end of the day, I'll be showing off my chicken legs. When the officer writes you up for indecent exposure,

you just say, officer, it's not my fault. I've been working out. I've been working out. Talk to my trainer. Yeah, my old pants. The easiest out of that ticket. Look, officer, I've been working out. I don't know what to tell you.

This is really awkward. I forgot my belt. Yeah, my old pants, they require no belt. No, they don't. They cannot button. What did we just have a... They can't zip or button because they were when I was a smaller man. The way we just had a show about some people out there at a certain BMI,

they're able to do the button, then the zip. The zip and then the button. And then some do the zip and the button. I'm just saying that these pants, I can do whatever I want. I can do all the zip and the button before I pull them up. What is your stance on when you have personally fatted out of pants? Because, look, my weight has been all over the place. I've had highs. I've had highs.

I've had lows. And you never quite know what to do. You're like, I love those pants. It's all a matter of the price you paid for the pants. That's 100% what it is. I have a closet full of old $100 pants that don't fit. And I'm like, well, someday I might get back. I love how we pretend that's the motivation.

You're like, oh, those good jeans I used to wear all the time. I'm going to get back in them. That's the ticket. That's the motivation. Do you ever dust them off? Do you ever go in there and shake them out a little bit? No, but every now and then what happens, like, let's say life's getting crazy. Family's got so many events going on.

Laundry's running low. I go in, and I'm like, oh, and I laundry's running low i go in and i'm like oh i start looking through all these pants and i'm like no those are 34s no those are 34s dang it these are 34s give me your pants man yeah well you're a little problems a little taller you be a little high water on you but they're really nice high waters i need to get some uh what fly fishing boots wear them with those i really do you're right. I need to get some fly fishing boots, wear them with those. I really do. You're right. I just need to find someone that's my height, that wears size 34 pants, that I know that's

a friend and say, here you go. Let me bless you with my old pants. I recently Maria condoed the closet and I came upon. Now, for those that don't know, that's the... That's the tidying up from Netflix. I went through. I was sparking joy. I was finding all the stuff that I wanted to keep. Yeah, the Japanese tidying expert.

Yes. And I found this pair of... Well, first off, I found several pairs of pants that were tagged. That the motivational tactic did not work. But I found one in particular. It was these brown corduroy pants oof and i bought these when i was like at my fittest i mean i had i had p90x my way and i like i weighed like you guys you you know me i weigh 185 ish right now i weighed 160 i mean i was thin and i bought

these pants i know and i didn't fit in them back then. But I have carried these pants around for 10 plus years. Did they spark joy, or are they on the way out? Oh, I threw them on, and I grabbed the edges, you know, too. Oh, man. We're going to suck in. We're going to see if we can make this happen. I almost lost my legs.

I almost detached them from my body. So the pants have been destroyed. They were cut off of your body. Jaws of life related. They did not butt. They just hurt me. Andy, Mike, and Jason here with the Spitballers Podcast. Would you rather life advice in a draft today on the show?

Al Borland is here. Al, say hello. Hello. That's about as good as you. Al. I was thinking, Al, if you want to put on a few, maybe Jason's pants could be yours. I was actually going to raise my hand. I'm a 34, and I think we're the same height.

So I could get some free jeans on this year. Hold on. Hold on. You guys are blowing. You're the same height as Jason? Yeah. No. When I look at them, they seem about the same height.

How tall are you, Al? 5'8". I should rephrase. How dare you? How dare you? I'm 5'11". How dare you, sir? Oh, the height insult.

You get nothing. I am going to break into your house and take a pair of pants away for that comment. They won't be high waters, though. No, they won't. They won't be high waters, though. No, they won't. They'll just be dragging on the ground. The funny thing about guys is if someone looked at me like, what do you weigh? Like 220?

They overshoot him. No, no, man. I'm like, no, 190. Whatever. Doesn't matter to me. If you look at me and say, what are you, 5'11"? How dare you? Yeah.

I am six feet tall, but I am a grown-up. How dare you take an inch away from my height? That is a real thing. Jason was real unhappy. I genuinely was waiting for you to say 5'11". When you said 5'8", I was stunned. I was like, you think we're the same height and multiple people? We work together every day.

Look, there are people. Here's how I relate to life. I'm almost 6'3". There are people that are my height that I respect. And then there are those. You're the hightest. And the rest of the people are just down there. They're just shorter.

I don't know whether they're 5'8", 5'9", 5'10". It don't matter. You're all down there. That's why you look the same height to me. Yeah, that's how I look on all you guys with those LBs, too. I'm like, oh, you guys down there in your 100s. That's fine. How old were you, Jay, when you hit 5'11"?

I was probably like 18, 19. How long did you hold on hope that you were going to round up and hit that six foot? Until at least another seven or eight years. I mean, because I had a bet with my mother. I had from when I was like 10 years old, a $50 bet that I would hit six foot. This was like, I bet her that I would do it. Did you pay out on that bet? I did not pay out.

Oh, shy. How tall is your dad? My dad is probably 5'10", 5'9". How old is Papa Skids? How tall is Papa Skids? Six foot. Six foot one. Yeah, I have that.

My dad is like 6'1", 6'2". He's just above me. He's above you. It's so infuriating. He will shrink. They all shrink. Oh, and when he shrinks, then I will lord it over him. If you have some questions for the show, we are listening on social media at SpitballersPod,

the website, SpitballersPod.com, Instagram, Facebook, iTunes. We appreciate your reviews. In fact, we read them on the show. Review-a-saurus rags. This one comes in from rage m almost got into trouble with my boss because of you guys it's five stars it says nice i listen to the spitballers podcast while at work obviously i wear earphones i laughed out loud because of King Triton flopping on the ground of the Coliseum. Everyone in the office heard me. My boss tried calling me on my desk phone, but I couldn't hear it ringing because I was wearing my earphones.

She had to come to my desk to see what was going on. And when I explained that I was listening to a podcast, she asked which podcast. When I explained that I was listening to a podcast, she asked which podcast. And when I said spitballers, she walked away smiling and said she listens to us, too. Thank goodness. Wow. So let this listen. If you're afraid to listen at work, don't be.

Your boss listens. Statistically proven. I was going to say, just make your boss, go introduce your boss to the spitballers. Yeah, proactive or reactive. Either one's going to work. Either way, they're listening. As you're listening and subscribing. Please hit that subscribe button. All right, let's get into Would You Rather.

Would you rather. All right, would you rather get a small paper cut every time you picked up paper or bite your tongue every time you sat down to eat? So wait, to read it in specificity, when you're sitting down to eat, you bite your tongue? Yeah. So you have a bit tongue while you eat. So this includes snack time. Yeah. If you have a bit tongue while you eat. So this includes snack time. Yeah. If you're sitting down to eat, yeah.

Okay. Now, what if... Paper cuts are real... They're rascally. Now, here's the thing. They're terrible. When you hear... Real rapscallions, those paper cuts.

When you hear, oh, you bite your tongue, we all think, oh, that's the worst. Am I right? Like, biting your tongue, that's the worst. But the reason that we're so much more up in arms against biting your tongue over paper cuts is because it's probably been a while since we've had one because paper cuts are so much worse than biting your tongue on an individual bait like they suck and they can suck for days and you can't that's how mouth sores are yeah you bite your tongue you can get a little canker. I bite my tongue every third meal and most of the time...

You don't bite your tongue enough if you have something. I see what you did there. No, and it hurts for a second and then I go on with my meal. You didn't learn how to eat? Yeah, your bite is clearly not very strong. You ever been around a toddler?

Like my daughter, every once in a while, she eats her finger because she's putting the food in, and she bites her finger. Jason knows about that life. Yeah, I don't bite my finger. So you don't bite your finger. It's been years since I've done that. But you bite your tongue. Biting your tongue is absolutely the worst.

He's an aggressive eater. That's my issue. It's not that I've got an oversized tongue or I don't know how to eat. It's that sometimes I get a little hangry and I need my foods. No tongue will get in the way of that. Immediately. And I'm in the middle of bite three before I start bite one. And my tongue is course two on that platter.

You and you alone, Jason. I hope you followed. The biting of the tongue is worse. And it could just be my actual chomp action. You got some fierce canines? Apparently. Because my wife frequently will comment on the loudness of my chewing. This is not mouth open.

This is just. No. Everyone knows you chew with your mouth open this is just sure no no everyone knows you do with your mouth open mike but i i think it's i i i chew hard i bite hard so when i get my tongue i eat rocks when i get my tongue i one it hurts terribly two i i now know the future that you're gonna bite it again for another week i will bite my tongue or my cheek like three more times. The cheek is so much worse than the tongue. The tongue you bite.

Okay, so switch this to cheek. Switch this to cheek. Oh, I can't handle the cheek. Cheek or paper cut. Give me the paper cut over the cheek. All right. Because the cheek doesn't go away and the cheek you can't as easily avoid. Once you've got the sore, once you've got the lump in there, it's just...

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. You're doing the thing where you're trying to blow your cheeks apart before you take your bite. It's the absolute worst. First of all, have you ever gotten a paper cut on your tongue? On your tongue? Yeah. Yeah, like licking an envelope? Yeah.

Oh, I guess... Wow. When's the last time you licked an envelope? It's been a minute. It's been quite a while. What, you don't email? Well, it's just, oh, man. Think about those people back in the 50s.

First of all, I'm surprised. Had to lick envelopes? Mike, honestly, I'm surprised that you can bite your tongue because I'm surprised you chew your food at all. Oh, I... When we're in public, Mike needs to... You need to do something where you tell them to bring your food in timed portions so that we don't feel like idiots around you. Here's what's crazy.

That still wouldn't work. Because literally yesterday, we were out at a restaurant called Sauce. You ordered a salad and a side of broccoli and macaroni and cheese, whatever. And how late did that side come? It was way too late for Mike. I know he was very unhappy. Eight to ten minutes. Yes, please.

I mean, you were done with that. So far in advance of me finishing my meal and Andy finishing his meal, and you got it ten minutes after we started. But that's just, I mean, that's neither here nor there. You've got sharp canines. Yes. Probably from your teenage phase when mean, that's neither here nor there. You've got sharp canines. Yes. Probably from your teenage phase when you shaved them down to be a vampire. Yeah, that's very, very possible.

When you do the tongue bite, I don't know if everyone does this. Do you check for blood every time? No. Oh, on the tongue bite? Yeah. Like with a napkin? I've done it. The finger.

Oh, the finger. I check every time. So you don't even bother? No, it's just so common. I'm going. I check every time. So you don't even bother? No, it's just so common. I'm going to be honest with you. I really don't bite my tongue, ever. I bite my cheek every once in a while, but I haven't bitten my tongue in like... Really?

Yeah, I figured out how to eat when I was four or five, and it just really hasn't happened again. Oh, all right. I think Andy doesn't realize he chews with his mouth, though, which somehow would take your tongue out of the equation. Yeah, if you open your mouth, you know what happens. The tongue shrinks back. Yep. I will take the... I'm going to take the paper cut.

I'm taking the paper cut as well. I'm going to take the tongue biting. I don't need to pick up paper. Who cares? All right, would you rather have to always watch your favorite shows live, so that's the commercials, like when we grew up. Goodness. Something that you did for 20 years of your life.

Or DVR them but never catch the very end because the DVR cuts the show off too early. So let me ask you this. When's the last time you've had to watch a non-sporting event show and watch all the commercials? Because they do a very specific thing now here here's the truth well like i almost never almost never the last time i watched i was watching hulu and i not the hulu plus like the premium but just regular hulu and they've got like like, I don't know, two commercials in there? Just like a break and a half of a quick commercial? I can't do it.

That was it? I can't handle it. When we were kids and we'd just watch a show, you'd pull out the TV guide, you'd turn it on. My brother and I would watch a show. Commercial time was like we'd get the Nerf ball out and start shooting hoops. It was just like a normal part of every show is you got the commercial break you can run to the bathroom you can get a snack

now what they do is they front they backload the commercials on these shows have you seen this no so what they do is like if you go watch like this is us is a very popular tv show the first commercial break it's 60 seconds guaranteed two commercials back then and it's a big break until that happens then there's a big break and the next commercial break and that one's a little longer then it's a short break longer commercials shorter break longest commercials because you're committed to the show so it actually becomes very horrible the longer you watch where you're just like it's like four minutes of show, four minutes of commercials. But how do you not see the end of the show?

Now, is it okay because next week you're going to get the recap? You'll be like. Maybe for you. I'm going to take the commercials. I think we as a society are missing on the commercial breaks. We need to have everything right now. Now we could use a little waiting. I would like to be advertised to.

I would like you to inject capitalism directly. I would like you to sell me stuff. I miss those old. I need to know what's out there. Look, commercials have gotten worse since they've gotten. Yeah. I want the romanticized Coke commercials. I mean, right now, Geico's current commercial run is look at our old commercials we used to make.

Because those are great commercials. Because they were great commercials. Because commercials used to be great. And people watched them back then. So now all they have to do is remind you and you'll play the commercial in your head. That's a smart strategy. Just think about the Super Bowl. Okay, Super Bowl commercials were as good or not better than the Super Bowl like 10 years ago. And now people are still talking about every Super Bowl commercials were as good or not better than the Super Bowl like 10 years ago.

And now people are still talking about every Super Bowl. Oh, what's the Super Bowl commercials going to be? But I feel like they're just phoned in now by comparison. I know the last time I watched commercials because it just happened. I was homesick. So when you're homesick, you're legally required as an american to watch the price is right yeah daytime television so i watched that and when's the last time you guys saw the price is right it's been a while the the target demo get your pet spade neutered yeah the target demo for price is right according

to the commercials is people who are at least 65 years old at minimum because every single commercial is medication. This is no exaggerating that at least 90 plus percent of those commercials were for medication. And the best one. The side effects and things that they give you from these medicines were We're like, why would I take that at all? It makes no sense. But there's a new screening you can take. I believe it's for colon cancer. I'm not minimizing that, but it's an at-home test.

And they say at the end of the commercial, they're like, there's a 13% chance that you either get a false positive or a false negative. 13%? Yeah. 13%? Go to the doctor and get the real test. That's a little too high for my taste. So after you get your result.

That's outrageously too high. After you get your result, you go, I think I'm good. Here's what's ironic. I figure the other commercials during daytime television are from law firms seeking people who have taken some of the other medications. That's the other 10%. And died from it.

Them and J.G. Wentworth. Yeah. Anyway. Did you take a home test kit? So which one are you going with before we get into life advice? I have to see the end of everything. I mean, sporting events. I'll sit through the commercials.

Nothing is worse than when you add the extra time on. When you add the extra time on to the DVR and then you still miss the end, do you know what that means? That means you missed a great ending because it was going over time. Here's a little tip out there for the spitwads listening. Go to YouTube. Search for, like, 1980s commercials. They have these loops on YouTube.

You can just watch all the old ones. It's very funny. It's funny. Grab a stick of juicy fruit. The taste is going to move you. Yeah. Spitballers to the rescue. You say that, and I'm remembering all the double mint twin commercials.

Yeah, the double mint juicy fruit. I mean, these people are hitting the slopes. See, the jingle game is not what it used to be. Whoever, if somebody grew up and they're like, man, I'm going to make jingles my whole life. That's a great point. The jingle life, it's not. You need the cheesy jingle.

People don't get that. A little My Buddy. My Buddy and Me. Oh, yeah. See, I remember it because of the jingle. That's when life was great. Spitballer's jingle. Work on it.

All right. Some guy from Twitter. This is what's in quotes. Some guy from Twitter. I like that our producer couldn't put his name in. Thanks, Al. How do you come back from U2 when a waiter tells you to enjoy your food? Oh, this is classic.

Because I've done, I'm going to throw another one in there, the movie theater. I've done it a million times. Enjoy your show. And you tell the concession person, you too. It happens everywhere. Everywhere. I mean, it doesn't even matter. And how do you come back from telling your waiter, enjoy the food as well? The thing, at least about the movie, is your interaction with the ticket taker, it's done.

You never have to see that person again in your life if you want to. You can go... The waiter, you do. Yeah, the waiter's coming back. You don't follow it up with the real lung. You two, whenever you see a movie... No. Enjoy it. Oh, I got it. I got it. Oh, good.

You say, you two, and then the waiter gives you the puzzled look, and then you follow gives you the puzzled look, and then you follow with, it's my favorite band. There it is. That's where I thought you were going to. Have you listened to Joshua Tree? You ever heard Beautiful Day?

The only problem I have with that is that you are saying. I mean, it would be a lie. That you two is your favorite band. And I don't think i want to live that life no when he looks puzzled at you you say yeah we're on youtube just subscribe on youtube because that won't make it more awkward enjoy your food youtube is a place where you can watch food. Videos. Too.

I'll see myself out. How do you come back from that? Yeah, see, what you don't want to do, and people don't realize it, is sometimes you're just done. You just got to let it go. You got to hope they didn't hear it. Because if you apologize for that, you're worse. You can't apologize for that. I'm really sorry for saying that. I know you're not eating right now. No, you just laugh it off. You're worse. You can't apologize for that. I'm really sorry for saying that. I know you're not eating

right now. No, you just laugh it off. You just... I'm an idiot. What if you say you too, and the waiter's like, I had to skip my lunch break. I'm starving. He's just waiting there for you to feed him? Thanks. Like mouth open? Thanks a lot

for reminding me. I would love to be eating. Can I jerk? Splash water in the face. Maybe that's actually, no, maybe that's what you do. You say you too, and then you cut a bite, and you lift it up to them. That's it. That's the answer. You know?

Enjoy your food. Oh, you too. Here. And then you go with the airplane. Here comes the airplane open up you ever asked your own waiter or waitress if they wanted a bite of your food before no i've never cool me neither okay but we should definitely try that together the next time we're at lunch well sometimes the waiter or waitress is like man that that looks great i haven't tried that yet oh you want to buy it's new on the menu it's a feature that would be so weird here's the thing here let me let me

transition this okay because i think we've covered the full gamut of what you can do if this situation happens if you're a waiter or waitress okay real question and you you just uh your party's gone. The table, a lot of food on the table there. Right. You know where I'm going. Yes, I know where you're going. Can you sample? Can you sample? Like, can you sample?

And I don't mean publicly. Let's say you bring it to the back. It's got to be on the way back. Because the risk is all on you, right? You want to get the germs from. You want tetanus? Sure, because tetanus is the real... It's the hotness right now.

You get it through rusty nails and eating old food. But can you sample that food? I would sample every single dish. There's no way you could stop... Is that true, or are you just saying that? I am saying that I would... Well, here's the deal. It would depend on who was eating it.

Okay. What if they left you a good tip or a bad tip? Does that make a difference? No, that doesn't make a difference. I feel like we can put this hypothetical just immediate to the test. Real life application. All right, let's do it. You're at a hotel.

Okay. You're walking down the hallway. See, here's the problem. I know where you're going because I've thought about it. And there it is. Someone's half-eaten cheeseburger. Oh, sitting on the little They put it outside Down on the tray

Because they got the room service They were very fancy How fancy are you? Zero percent There is a zero percent chance On the cheeseburger That I would walk by Right

Okay well what does it mean? French fries? Okay French fries The percent goes up It goes a little higher Here's the thing. It's a very, very low percentage, 0% or 1%. If I'm just walking down the hall and I see it.

Now, if I'm walking down the hall and deep down that hall, I see a door open and someone put that right outside. Okay, so it's fresher. It's fresher. I don't want to take the chance of this thing's been out here for three hours, but if they're putting it out right now. I mean, you can heat check it. You know, just put the hands up to it.

You know, at the end of the day, I'm not eating that because I'm not indigent. That's really. I would order my own room service. I would just eat some food somewhere else. I'm with Jason. I've thought about it so many times. Because it looks good or because room service is so expensive, you know what you're getting. Both of those things are accurate.

Oh, my gosh. All right, here's another question from Jake. Jake sent this one in off of our Twitter account, at SpitballersPod. He says, I'm a, quote, park as far from the store to avoid door dings person, while my girlfriend is a park as close as possible, even if it risks door dings person person which one of us is right

the driver interesting problem solved wipe my hands if you're driving if you're driving you you can park where you want to park it's radio station rules you're saying saying. Yes. What if she is driving your car? Or vice versa. You're driving her baby, and she doesn't want you to park up close. Who's afraid of... Is this a thing? Borland, you seem like you're a man.

Last I checked. And some men are very into their vehicles, right? Like, you're a man. Would you, is door dings concern a real thing? No. No, it's not. It is. It's definitely a real thing.

Do you think about it, Mike? You have a nice vehicle. I do. But I only think about it in terms of not how close I am because I'm going to park in between two people. It's that person's hugging the line. I've been known to do that. Yes, you have been known to park that way. But for me, it's just...

Address that. We need to address how bad of a parker you are, Andy. You drove a small car for, I don't know, 30 years, and then you got a longer car and have no idea that it is parked differently. and have no idea that it is parked differently. So when you pull into a parking lot, I'm telling you, one of your tires, usually the back one, is on the line. Like if you talk about teaching an old dog new tricks, it applies here. All my muscle memory is related to parking a compact, and I haven't relearned.

I've gotten worse over time at parking. I don't know how that's possible. I suck at parking. You rarely fix it. You can just back out and re-fix it. You're like, I'm good. Most of the time I ask you guys It's a matter of pride.

I ask you guys, hey, do I need to fix this? And 90% of the time you guys go, eh, you're fine. Yeah, because we're not worried about door dings. You're not willing to train me. You're not willing to train me up in the way that I should go. Yeah. I think the answer to

this question is you shouldn't worry about dordings well let's make it let's change it because i thought the question was going the direction i've seen it before which is are you a hunter that i was going to bring that up or are you a settler so a hunter is willing to go in and out of a few rows to find that lucky spot, which obviously they exist. People in the front, they leave as well. The settler decides, hey, I'm just going to take the first spot I can get.

It doesn't matter how far it is because I'm going to get up to the front maybe quicker than somebody that finds that close spot. I am absolutely 100% a settler and this comes down to a matter of practicality. One of the most contentious parts of my marriage is the hunter-settler problem. She's a hunter.

Oh, she will. My wife would hunt for 15 minutes. For a spot? For a spot. Is she a waiter, too, if she sees somebody with the lights on? Yes. Oh, I hate that. Not only would she be a waiter, she will

make the line form. The line behind her doesn't matter to her. It's inconsequential. She is waiting for that spot. Is she also a follower? As in like, oh, if a person's walking out? Yeah, 100%. Oh, I'm so happy my

wife is not the topic of conversation right now but like my wife she can't be mad dude she won't be mad about this she'll be like that's how it is i will do this when i am at costco she's got a facebook group for people like her costco you know the the one that we have nearest us is the busiest costco on the planet yeah because it's costco well sure it's probably the same near you but it's just unbelievable you can't find a spot and so there's always waiters there's always the the people putting their blinker on for your spot when you're backing out when i roll up to my car with my three children and oh yeah like seven and a cart full of $7,000 worth of food,

and it's just overflowing, and they start with the blinker. Oh, man. I'm ready to go to war. I am ready to kill. Do you go slower to make them pay? I have absolutely done that before. I have done multiple tactics. I've gone slower.

I have literally looked at them, looked at them, pointeded at them, pointed to the cart, and gone, what are you doing? You're going to be here for 12 minutes. I am not speeding up before you. Point at your kids. Point at the cart.

Go like, gonna take a while. Get a moving grandpa. You ain't waiting on this car. But then there are the other times you should sit down on the tailgate and just tie your shoe or something it's just like there are the times where the pressure's on though and i feel bad and i'm like oh and then it's like that's the worst oh no the this is the worst worst part car comes in usually puts the blinker on when they see you got two things left. Right?

Okay, you got, okay, you're almost done. But then the cart retrieval place is a mile away. Oh, that's true. And I'm like, okay, see you later, dude. And I'm just walking away from the car with the cart going like to two aisles over. And he's just waiting there on nobody. You should roll that cart out and put it right in front of his car and just go get your car.

That's when I just roll the empty cart. He's blocked, so he has to get out. And then back out and leave. Not my cart, not my problem. That's what I always say. Hey, put this away. Oh, my gosh. That's the price you pay.

That is too funny. All right, we're going to get into our draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right. We've got a fun one today. I think Jason gets to kick it off, right? He does. Isn't he number one?

Last week, it wasn't pretty, Mike. Mike mopped the floor with us, wiped the floor. I don't know. He did something with the floor us, wiped the floor. I don't know. He did something with the floor. We were the floor. He was the boot. I mean, it was not. You always wipe that floor with the boot.

It was not pretty. Today, we've decided we're going to do a draft, and it's going to be the coolest vehicles. I got that word out there. The coolest vehicles in film and television, okay? Okay. It's cool. Cool vehicles. I got that word out there. The coolest vehicles in film and television. Okay? Okay. So you've got...

Cool vehicles. Yeah. There are many iconic vehicles, cars, planes, boats, whatever. Planes, trains, automobiles. From movies. The famous vehicles. And we're going to draft them. I think it will be very interesting.

And Jason gets the first pick. And I think that will be very interesting. And Jason gets the first pick and I think that will be very interesting. I am quite happy to have the first pick. Borland, you're going to write these down over there, right? I think there are two top tier picks which sucks that I'm pick three. Yes, there are. I think there's a couple

that could be in the conversation. But there's one that has to happen. It's the coolest. It's literally. Don't. It's literally. No, you're fine, Andy, because there's one that's cooler than the one you're thinking about. No, it's one foot away from Andy.

Andy is picking next. Wow. Andy is taking that? I am absolutely taking the DeLorean. I hate you so much. The DeLorean has. Mike told me I was safe and I wanted it. The DeLorean has the butterfly doors.

It's got the time travel. It can fly. It can drive. Are those called butterfly doors? No. What are those? Are those falcon doors? I think so.

I just never heard them called butterfly doors before. That's probably because they're not. It's because there's never been a butterfly door. I just don't even know... It's butterfly kisses. It's not butterfly doors. That's probably because they're not. It's because there's never been a butterfly door. I just don't even know. It's butterfly kisses. It's not butterfly doors. Falcon wing door. Falcon wing door, Borland.

Thank you. Thank you. Falcon wing door. Butterfly doors or vertical doors are a type of door that's sometimes seen on high-performance cars. So those are the ones that don't open out. They just open straight up. I would imagine butterfly doors are the ones that-

The ones that open straight up are suicide doors. Yeah. Well, that's what I've always been told, too. The front two open this way. The They just open straight up. I would imagine butterfly doors are the ones that... The ones that open straight up are suicide doors. Yeah, well, that's what I... Butterflies would be the ones that the front two open this way, the back two open this way, to where they have the same closing point. Like you got the fancy Rolls Royce? Yeah, that's what I think. That's what I think they are. Interesting.

Anyway, you're ruining my life here. Yeah, I've got the DeLorean. I'm happy with that. Andy, mess this up, please. I'm taking the Batmobile. Dang, dang it! Yeah, I mean, I had two high-profile picks. I assumed I'd get DeLorean.

I did, too. I'm taking the Batmobile. I don't know if there's a more iconic film, movie, vehicle than that. The Batmobile's the jam. Yeah, so I'm taking the Batmobile. When we grew up, it was the Michael Keaton. I mean, there's been variations of it. Right. But I picture that one from... You get the Batmobile. When we grew up, it was the Michael Keaton. There's been variations of it. I pictured that one from...

You get them all, but the Michael Keaton one, the fire coming out the back, he's flying through the woods. Turbines to speed. And then he... Shields. Shields up. I mean, come on. No, that's great. Ain't no shields on the DeLorean, Jason. No, I don't need them where I'm going. Don't even need

roads. I don't even need roads. All right. So, Mike, you get two picks. So that can make up for not getting one of those. Yeah. It's nice to have the two picks. You said there were two. You guys got them.

Oh, okay. Yeah. You picked the coolest ones because now there's like a whole group of them, and they're all cool, but you have the absolute cool ones. of them and they're all cool but you have the absolute cool ones uh i'm gonna start it off with a vehicle that it can't do anything cool like your guys's vehicles but it looks awesome extremely iconic i'm taking ecto one i am taking the ghost the ghost buster station wagon it's on my short list for sure it It's just a cool car. And now for the second one, though, that's where things get tough because there are two, nay, three that I really want

and I don't expect anything will get back to me. So I am going to take Kit from Knight Rider. Oh, that's literally what I just wrote down. Oh, did you write that down? I'm going to have to scratch it out. That would not have got back from you. It was the next one on my list. It was not coming back to Jason.

I want you to know I would have actually drafted Knight Rider, which is the name of the car to me. Oh. To me. When you said Kit, I was like, oh, good. He's not taking the Knight Rider. And then you said from Knight Rider, and I went, oh, I'm an idiot. I know it's a car draft, but I'm taking David Hasselhoff.

I want that man. All right. Well, that's a good pick. That would have been my next pick, Mike. So well done. All right. All right. I'm going to take the General Lee. All right, I'm going to take the General Lee.

All right, I'm going to take... What is that? Dukes of Hazzard. Yeah, that's the Dodge Charger from Dukes of Hazzard. I mean, when you think of that show... It's always doing jumps. It's doing jumps. It's what the cool kids would be riding around in, solving crimes.

Solving crimes? I don't know. It's cool. There's other cars if you wanted to solve crimes. That's true. I'm going to go with the General Lee from Dukes of Battle. Oh, man. I'll tell you what, guys.

There are so many that I want here, far more than I thought I was going to have. But I've already got my two picks. I am going fun, and I am going awesome. Okay? I'm going both directions. I am going to love my team. Adding to the DeLorean. I'm taking the Millennium Falcon. Come on, give me them Star Wars votes.

Yeah, that's a great pick. I can go to space. I can run the something parsips. You don't deserve Star Wars votes. I do not the something parsnips. You don't deserve Star Wars votes. I do not, but I will get them. It's the Kessel Run. Yep, that's what I

can do. You eat your parsnips. Because I got the Millennium. I got the Parsleys and the Parsnips. Look, the Millennium Falcon. Talk about a tainted giraffe it's mine and i love it it's not just a panderer it's an awesome super fast spaceship that is current in pop culture i'm taking it but the the next one man it's happening the millennium falcon oh man this

next one is really really tough you had your two picks do, but I wonder if this one could get back to me. But this is one where I want it to be my fourth pick because it's a great fourth pick. I'm reaching here, but I also don't want to lose it. It's just too important to me. So I'm going to take it. I'm taking the shagging wagon from Dumb and Dumber. Give me that giant dog, man.

Yeah, look, it's cool. There is a 0.0% chance that I would have drafted it. Would you have drafted that, Andy? No. See, I knew I should have used that as my fourth. It's an awesome vehicle. I thought about it because it's fun. I mean, it's a dog car.

It does a dog pee thing. Yeah. Yeah, it does. It can even fly if you remember the movie. dog pee thing. Yeah. Yeah, it does. It can even fly, if you remember the movie.

For a little while, when it goes over a really fast bump. It's not flying, it's falling with style. That's fine. It's got the style of a beautiful dog. I mean, the memories made in that van. We can pick up hitchhikers, okay? Pick them up! Look, if you're listening to this podcast, I don't recommend you do that. You don't recommend they listen to... Picking up hitchhikers? Okay. Pick them up! Look, if you're listening to this podcast, I don't recommend you do that. You don't recommend they listen to...

Picking up hitchhikers. Sure, sure. Alright, well you took... What were your two then? My two were the Millennium Falcon and the Shaggin' Wagon from Dumb and Dumber. Yeah, I mean the Millennium Falcon was very smart. I'll be honest with you.

Great pick. Man, so I've got the General Lee and I've got the Batmobile. was very smart. I'll be honest with you. Great pick. Man. So I've got the General Lee and I've got the Batmobile. I think I need to take to the skies. And I'm going to jump into exactly what Goose and Maverick jumped into. I'm going to take the aircraft from Top Gun.

The aircraft? The aircraft? The F something or rather. You could even call it a fighter jet. I'll take the plane from Top Gun. I had to have been an F-16. I'm taking the F-16 from Top Gun, assuming that's what it was. I got a little, it might have been a.

Oh, that's funny. Might have been an F-14, might have been an F-18. There was an F involved. Who knows? Borland, do you know? It's an F-14. might have been an F-18. There was an F involved. Who knows? Borland, do you know what? It's an F-14. What, the Tomcat? Maverick, but the gunman F-14 Tomcat, he flew.

According to Google. Just put Top Gun, Fighter Jet. That's what I'm taking. That's the point. You guys aren't going to jump into the Coliseum and ruin my pick like King Triton. He's the point. You guys aren't going to jump into the Coliseum and ruin my pick like King Triton. He's still flopping around down there. I don't care if

he can give himself legs. Mike, it's on to you, and you've got a couple decisions to make here. I'm trying to stall with these words I'm saying out loud. Are you in good shape? I'm doing all right because I have one absolute that I'm going with.

You guys did not take anything that was actually on my list. Those were fantastic picks, so shame on me. The first one I'm going to take, and it's a vehicle, but he's also a super cool robot. I like it. He's a unique yellow vehicle, so I'm going to take Bumblebee. All right. I'm going to take Bumblebee. All right. I'm going to take Bumblebee from the Transformers. And now I am torn between. I've got one I want real bad.

Can I make a recommendation? It's probably not anything I'm thinking of, Andy, but what? Yeah, don't recommend nothing. I would throw out there the Titanic. Okay? Beautiful vehicle. Can get you from one continent to another. How's a lot of people, Mike? I think you should take it. Beautiful vehicle. Can get you from one continent to the other. How's a lot of people, Mike?

I think you should take it. All right. I see what you're doing here. I agree with my colleague. Nothing could ever go wrong with that pick. Oh, man. And we're on Mike's pick. No, no, no.

No, we're good. I know what I'm taking. We're always on Mike's pick. Well, that's because it's the best pick. I'm going to take the My Car Shaken, Not Stirred. Oh, okay. I'm going to take the Aston Martin from the James Bond movies. All right.

I'm just thinking of you trying to describe it not as the Aston Martin, but as the, what did I say, the aircraft? The automobile from. All right. I will take the Model T. So Borland, what do I have so far? I have Batmobile. Generally, you have the Batmobile. And the fighter jet from Top Gun.

The aircraft. Shut up. All right. I'm closing it out with the Starship Enterprise. Oh. I had. So I knew I was. These voyages are closing with a great pick is what I think.

It is. That's a great pick. Yeah. I mean. Stardate, I win the poll. When I. Yeah. When I look at what I actually want to pick.

Okay. It's almost all Starships. Like, I mean. I win all cars. Am I the last? You're the final final pick i'm the final pick so i can say whatever i want i you always can't i want you know look the battle star galactica love it uh serenity the the the spaceship from firefly i mean i would take all i would take all of these but i feel like and i wanted the uh i wanted Starship Enterprise, but because I took the Millennium Falcon,

which is the best of all the star-born ships, I... Yeah, go on. I mean, obviously, I'm going to debate you on that, but go on. He is correct. But I will say this. The Millennium Falcon is so much better than the Starship Enterprise. When I first heard about the draft, okay, before looking up and reminding myself of all these awesome vehicles, the draft okay before torpedo before looking up and reminding myself of all these awesome vehicles there were only a few i think three or four vehicles that immediately popped into mind

one was of course the delorean uh the scooby-doo van that was that was on my list of like it's just cool but incredibly iconic popular uh and and that is very close to coming but i'm gonna consider the hindenburg yes i it was between the air titanic yeah uh but i am actually gonna go with something i think is a little cooler loved the show it should have been drafted or it could have maybe not should have could have been drafted for theme song on the... I was going to... It's on my list. I was like, there's another van.

Yep, and that's the van I'm taking. Give me that black van with the red stripe. The A-Team van is fantastic. No, that's good. Do you guys ever remember the show called Airwolf? No. Any of you guys? No, I remember a video game.

I remember Teen Wolf. The video game was based on the television show, and it was the coolest helicopter television show because this was a helicopter, but it had like its legs went up inside, so it was like very aerodynamic. So what else did you guys have on your short list? I had the Bluesmobile from Blues Brothers.

Blues Brothers. So I had Air Force One, the Mad Max car. Yeah. So the ones I was really debating on my last pick are the car from Mad Max. That's a good car. Lightning McQueen. Yeah. Thought about that too.

Oh, that's a good one. And the car, I don't even know what you would call it, but from the Jetsons. Hmm. Their little spaceship thing. Their little spaceship thing. Yeah, that's not bad. Yeah. What about the Flintstones?

The one that you have to move with your feet? Move yourself? Yeah. And I would throw out. What about Bunions? I like the really famous, iconic cars more so than just the, oh, by itself it's cool. So, like the Jurassic Park SUV. Oh, I'm going to love that one.

It's just an SUV that's wrapped for Jurassic Park. But that's what I mean. I love these iconic. You're drafting. We're picking coolest. It's cool. Look, my A-Team van, it's a GMC minivan. Mine's a 69 charger for general lee

what about your aircraft well here we go what do we learn on the show today gentlemen and by the way this will always as all the drafts are be on twitter at spitballers pod you can go vote um on instagram at spitballers pod i have what I learned. What did you guys learn? I learned that not only is Andy a heightist, but anything under him, he thinks is the same.

He thinks that 5'8 is 5'11. That's correct. I learned that Jason, despite his best efforts at convincing me otherwise, he has an oversized tongue. He clearly has too big of a tongue for his mouth if he's biting it all the time. And I learned that the next time anyone wants to wait for me in a parking lot,

I am leaning up against the vehicle, and I'm just letting them. You've got to put the cart in front of him. You put the cart in front of him. Pull your camera out and record him. Yeah. Put the stopwatch on. They'll run. Thank you for listening to the show.

We will see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com. dot com. Don't forget spit wads. If you want to help support this show and get access to the entire archive, you can go to spit ballers, pod.com and click become a spit wad.

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