Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 39: Truman Show Delusion and Building A Superhero

Episode Date: March 18, 2019

Have you ever felt like you are being watched? Like life’s every moment is a performance? On today’s show, you will be comforted to find out you are not alone. We also go back into the ‘Situation Room’ to find out why Jason would leave his human family behind for his new animal pack and how the guys would work together to defeat an “evil force”. This episode comes to an end with an awesome superpower draft in an effort to assemble the coolest superhero. Connect with the show: Visit us on the web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, Spitwads, do you enjoy this show and you want just a little bit more? I do. Oh, there you are. I love this show, yes. Oh, that's not annoying at all. Head over to spitballerspod.com and find out how you can become an official supporter of this show and get access to the complete archive, spitballerspod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice,

explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. I was not prepared, but Andy pointed at me, and when the host points, you skip. That was incredibly atonal. I don't know what that means. It was.

It was what? Atonal? Everything was the same level. A is the prefix to mean without. Oh, so there was no tonal changes. Yeah, it's like when we describe you as atypical. And your face is asymmetrical. Okay, I like this.

Yeah. All right, thanks, guys. Welcome in. It's going to be a heck of a show today. Spitballers podcast, Andy, Mike, and Jason back again. We're recording this show somewhere in a month far away from Christmas, and I just found out you both have your trees up. No, no, no, no. No.

One of us is a quitter. Okay. I guess that's right. Jason just No. One of us is a quitter. Okay. I guess that's right. Jason just put his tree away. I'm so tired right now because we were up very, very late taking down our Christmas tree. Our Christmas tree is gigantic. It was way bigger than anybody needs. Did you have to use an axe?

Yes, we chopped down our artificial Christmas tree. And you didn't hear this part, Andy. I bought this $50 storage bag. Oh, great story. Thank you. And it's made for $47.95. Made solely for 12-foot Christmas trees. Really nice.

Highly rated. I spend, I don't know how, it was like two hours to take this thing apart, fold it up, crease it down, get it in the bag. I go to zip it up. And as soon as I zip, and it's not like stretched and pressured like me zipping my pants. This is just, it's loose, plenty of slack. I go to zip it up, and there's a huge like like, four-inch rip between the zipper and the material.

Oh, no. I'm like, there's going to be bugs in this. So we tape it. We get it all ready. I go to lift it because it's got wheels on one side. And I go to lift the handle, and I lift the bag up. The heavy tree stays on the ground. Oh, the whole thing lifts open?

Oh, just... It was made of peanut brittle. Did you eat it? Yeah. I would have gotten a lot more use out of eating that bag. So we just threw it in the garage. They need to invent one-time use Christmas trees that you just... They're called real Christmas trees.

No, no, no. That's a solid point but you push a button and it's like the message for mission impossible and it just goes this tree will self-destruct and goes and then your house goes no that's part of this they need to invent burning houses down now listen i heard this and i don't know that it's true but i want to believe that it is i heard that there are new houses this is not a joke what that are being built with a turn turn tie turn style you know like the the james bond room that's always lazy susan and yeah like a lazy susan room so like a hidden compartment exactly where you can leave your christmas tree up, you've got to be kidding me.

And then when it's time to put it away, you just... Rotate it out to the secret area? Yes. This is real? That's what I need. This is not a luxury item. This is a necessity. I've always said new homes should be built with really small Christmas lights in the whole edge of the house already.

Oh, yeah. And then you just flip them on. Why are we not doing that? I don't have any idea why. The year is 2000 and what is it? 19. 19. We can't build a house with some LEDs already in there?

Also, the Christmas tree corner that Jason was just describing, I mean, there are so many more applications besides just a Christmas tree. Hide and seek? Anyone? Go but find me. Safe room? Now see, what I was more picturing is... It's not really safe if the bad guy can just walk up and push the button and you spin around and you're in a chair.

I'm envisioning this rotating lazy Susan. It just takes the tree and puts it outside of your house. On the side of your house. Yes. On the side of your house, and it's just out there. But, I mean, you didn't have to move it out there. Likewise, burglars can just come and push on the outside wall and just right inside.

Rotate inside. All right. We have a great show today. Situation Room, Would You Rather. A great mock draft that I know you will be – the listeners, the spit wads, they will be opinionated. Yes. They'll say things like, oh, I wonder who got the better second place team, Mike or Jason, and they'll be competing about your teams, irrespective of mine.

I see what you were doing. Mr. Borland, can we get an update on lifetime victories, please? Is he in the lead now? Who is in the lead right now? You don't even have to look it up based on me asking you the question, Jeremy. Are you up one? I am indeed. I think he's up.

You up one or two? I'm up. I should be up one. Technically, right now, it's tied. Andy and Jason at 11, but you're leading in the current pool. Incorrect. Crushing. Yeah.

Crushing in the current pool. Yeah, you did all right. Thank you. Do we have one of those buttons to rotate him to the other side of this wall? All right. Follow us on Twitter at SpitballersPod. You can send in your questions, your would-you-rather-idea situation room, which we have on the show today. Always looking for ideas for that segment and draft ideas as well.

You can find us on the web, spitballerspod.com, on Instagram, on Facebook, on iTunes, everywhere you're listening. We appreciate your reviews. And go to YouTube. We're on YouTube now. We've been there for a while. I know, but I just excited people that they think there's video. Yeah, that's not nice.

But imagine how excited they are. They're going to go subscribe now. It's a bait and excited they are they're gonna go subscribe to bait and switch a little yes a 100 is a bait and switch but that works they had to bait and switch is illegal because of how successful it's elite it's not illegal i think it is why is bait and how is bait and i think it depends on the application bait and switch from a marketing perspective like a retail store can't do a bait okay like in a mark in an advertisement like on a podcast like an like a well what i just break the law hold on but what if they are actually they're literally selling you fish bait and you can switch it that is totally totally that's illegal no no that's totally no that's fine let's read a review review asaurus rex this one comes in from guitar one five stars says the best i found

this podcast after writing your advice to a fantasy football championship and wanted more of you guys me and my buddy listen to you daily catching up while working we often pause it to answer the questions ourselves and then hear your responses. It's inspiring, mind-blowing, and well-thought-out answers from you three. Keep us laughing and arguing constantly. And yes, I'm a half-standard and do, too, fear my wife walking in on me now. Well, Guitar One. Was there no locks in this place?

Yeah, that's good advice. locks in this place? Yeah, that's good advice. See, this is how you take something out of the house to put in the lazy Susan. They took all the locks out. Yes. That on the new bill really helps on the new bill. Uh,

thank you for the review. We appreciate it. I love that idea. You guys debating the topics and then seeing how I like the part where he insinuates our answers are well thought out. Uh huh. Yes, they absolutely are. Super well thought out. And you're going to see that right now.

The Situation Realm. All right. This one comes in from Tom on Twitter. Hey, Tom. You wake up. Here's the situation. You wake up. I remember you from MySpace.

Yeah. Yeah. This is the situation. I remember you from MySpace. Yeah. Yeah. This is the only Tom there is. You wake up to find out you can now understand and speak to all the animals. Oh, Dr. Doolittle. But have lost your ability to understand and speak to other humans entirely. What do you do? So I'm just a regular animal. animal yes you're a wolf man because i

i am pretty confident that animals can speak to each other are you wait are we across different species yeah i mean they're all animals like a yeah so there's people and then there's animals i hate to break it to you now can the animals speak with the insects? But we are animals Well yeah but we can't talk to the smaller More feeble minded animals That's what I'm saying So in this situation we wake up We can talk to all animals A bear speaks fluent alligator

Correct Yeah what do you think he's roaring about? A rhinoceros speaks fluid ostrich Clearly we speak Fluid everything in this situation. If you woke up and that was the case, how do you expect that you would realize it first? Because you heard an animal speaking or because you heard jumbly, garbly goop from your family?

I definitely see humans more often than animals. So I would... It would be my son. Wasn't always that way though, was it? Crawls into bed every single night. Every single night. So I would not, I'd be like, go back to sleep. And he would say. You would actually say.

And then he would say. What sound would it be? Because from your own mouth? You would actually say, woof, woof, burp, burp, burp. And then he would say, what sound would it be? From your own mouth? Yeah, I mean, that's a great question as well. I imagine Charlie Brown's teacher. Okay, so that's what people sound like? Okay. They sound like a trombone?

Yeah, that would stink. And then if they try to write something, the language doesn't make sense either. It's just that word, it's womp, womp, womp. Womp, womp, womp, womp, womp, womp. Written over and over. I don't think the novelty of speaking to animals would really... I mean, I guess you're in this situation. This isn't a would you rather. I'm not choosing.

So what do you do next when that happens? Do you gather together your animal friends? Is that all that's stopping them from gathering together is the language? They need a leader. And if you can speak to all animals, you're building a menagerie in your home and your backyard. You have no choice. I honestly wonder if they become my family. Do they become your army?

Do they become your kin? Do you marry them? Well, I'm just saying, like, I would want to live with people I could communicate with. So I might just... I might have to leave my family and go be with my people,

which is not people. Right, but now, do you see all the ways that humans mistreat animals and you use them and you rise up and you conquer the world. If you can communicate and control all the animals in the world, I think you can do it.

No, you guys are wrong here. If you can now understand and speak to all animals, that doesn't make all animals super smart animals. That just makes you to be able to understand them. And what if it's like a really terrible conversation? Yeah. Like you're like, hey, horse, what's going on? Hey. And then he says.

My name's horse. Hey. Need hay. Hey. Hey. You seen any hay? Every single. Oats.

Every single. Oats right now. Animal just says they're hungry. Carrot. They just say what they are. I'm a rhino. I'm a rhinoceros. I'm a rhino what?

I'm a rhinoceros. A rhinoceros. Well, yeah. Have you seen them? I mean. I mean, because you go around and you're like, you're trying to, and they're just having horrible conversations. And then you're real sad.

I'm a rhino. I'm real sad. I'm a rhino. I'm a bird. I'm a rhino too. Are they singing? Are we allowed to learn sign language, do you think? To communicate with humans? No. You're breaking the situation.

You're not going to want to abandon your family. No, I'm not. I love my family. But I want to be able to talk. I'm a human. That's all you say. In my situation room these animals are

delightful. They are eloquent speakers to me. Yeah, they've been living in a different world that we didn't know about. This is a Pixar movie. You are living your dream. I think you're missing the point of this because

you often refer to Jim Carrey as one of your heroes, your comedian heroes. You would literally be Ace Ventura. Oh, pet detective. Come to me, animal friends. You spread your arms and then exotic birds from all over the nation come and land on your arms. You both want to be king of the jungle. Oh, 100%. Would you move to a different continent to be around cooler animals?

You got to go to the Amazon. I mean, what are you going to talk to out here, a scorpion or a snake? I would pretty much just go to the zoo. They're all here. Mike and I are on a plane. I'm going where everything is dangerous. Everything is trying to kill you in the Amazon. You can talk to them.

It doesn't mean they're not going to eat you. Yeah, you can talk to people. Please don't eat me. I like meat. I love meat. That's the one thing that I think we're really forgetting here, is that just talking to someone doesn't make you control them. Yes.

Like, I know people... Mike thinks he's the king of the jungle. They're just going to say, we're going to eat you now. Right. Hey, grizzly bear bear can you hear me yes no i'm done yeah i guess i'm dead i understand you fine come here i understand your screams all right we're moving on a different uh question a different situation this one comes in from ben on twitter a mysterious man has entered your office and said that i don't like it that the three of you are about to be sent on a quest to defeat an unnamed

evil force each of you must select a class a wizard a warrior a priest or some other class okay so we are and we must work together to defeat him we are in dungeons and dragons we are in in rpg and i'm like i get to pick so i'm dps i'm a mage i control all. I stand in the back, take all the credit for destroying and vanquishing the foes. Meanwhile, you two have to spend your entire life just protecting me and keeping me alive. Well, look, I mean, it's clear. I am important. This is not how I play my video games. I'm with you.

I like standing in the back, blowing fires and running away. We can't all be mages. We'll never survive. But this is a situation room of us three. We're not being other characters. We're being ourselves. So clearly I'm the tank. I'm taking all the damage. I am

doing no damage back. I'm just saying, hit me. You're the puncher that can just take... I'm the distraction. Yeah, you get in the way. You're a puncher that can just take... I'm the distraction. Yeah, you get in the way. You're a bullet sponge. I make the enemies turn their backs to you. What is your talent?

I can get in the way extremely well. I block wide hallways and doorways. Hodor. Yes. You're Hodor. I am Hodor. Fantastic. So, Jason, you're hodor i am hodor fantastic so uh mike or jason you're the tank mike you sticking with your yeah i'm of course i'm the mage great you andy wanted the man

and he's very disappointed is this is the best part because what am i this is well it's already the choice has been made for you this is how a group forms when you're playing these types of games. Oh, I have to fill a role. Because nobody wants to be the healer. Yeah, he's the healer. If you don't get your choice in immediately. Can I be the generic ranger character? Last person in the group is always healer.

I've already got the range damaged. You've got the range. Yep. You have to heal us. Isn't there a general soldier? Can I be the normal? We need a melee soldier. We could use a melee soldier and all die.

If you want us to just... Great, so I'm casting spells here? Is that what I'm doing? Yep, you have a nice robe and a staff. So wait, nobody's actually doing... Oh, you're doing damage from range. Yes. Okay, I was thinking we're both just hanging out and Jason's just getting beat up. I'm a tank and you're both healers

and we're just watching me like, how long can we keep him alive? We keep casting more spells. Let me die. My bones are broken. Let me stop healing me. Let me die. Just laying on the ground, waving his sword in the air. Continue to attack me.

We keep lifting him up with the powers and standing him back stop it stop it it's like the i can't take any more of this it's like the monty python with the guy who keeps getting his extremities cut off yeah it's just a flesh wound okay uh yeah clearly the evil force will be defeated now. We feel content with our accomplishments. I think you guys might be the evil force. All right, let's move on. What would you do? That's the wrong drop.

That sure is. I liked it. That's not the segment we're doing. What would you do if you hit the wrong drop? Would you hit the other one right away after it? I would definitely correct. Would you rather? Yeah, we're going to do would you rather.

All right. Okay, this question comes in from the web. Would you rather have everything you think appear Oh no. in a bubble above your head. No. No. For everyone to see. No. Or have your entire life live streamed

a la the Truman show. Okay, one of these things is the most horrific, awful situation of all time and the other is awesome. What, you want to be live streamed? Oh, awful situation of all time. And the other is awesome. What? You want to be live streamed? Oh, give me that Truman life.

I don't believe you're thinking this through. So here's the thing. Here's the thing. I grew up. I swear I was in the Truman Show. Like, when I grew up. And this is before the Truman Show was a movie. I felt...

This is getting weird. I know. Yeah, I know. I always felt like, you know, my life was a movie, and, like, everything was watched. Every ounce of everything I did. That's just how I always felt as a kid.

So how did that affect the way you lived? It made me perform every moment. Like, everything I did from wake up to go to sleep was... A performance? A little was 5% fake because I was doing it for the people watching. I believe this is a condition that is called narcissism. No, I don't think so. You should speak to someone about this.

So maybe 2.5% narcissism? What percent of your life being broadcast to the world makes you less narcissistic? So when was the... Let's ask this question. Because you use past tense. When did you realize that you were not the center of the universe? It was probably about 30 seconds ago. I would say I still have not.

Ironically, you are being observed right now. See? I mean, you're being recorded. Now, I understand your thought process of, okay, I'm always performing. But you're not. That's when you're in public. You are literally now always in public. Right.

So you ate that bad Taco taco bell you're putting on a performance yes for everyone i want to entertain his truman show is sponsored by charmin extra soft eight hours of the day is just gonna be bathroom related live streaming yeah i mean look they've, they've all seen it. So here's the thing that you guys don't realize. The thought, your thoughts all appearing in a bubble above your head still means that that bubble and you have to be in a public sphere for people to see it.

Now, your closest friends, your family, your spouse, they're the ones you've got to watch for on this one because they're going to see it the most often but if you're in a house nobody on the street sees what thoughts are in your head i wish i could remember what movie this was in but it was someone had the realization or they were talking to their friend and the friend revealed oh i know i hear thoughts and then this character's thinking about it and so the other character said, no, I can hear you thinking that. And then it immediately switches to, you got to hum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

That's how you have to think now. You can't think in phrases or think in, this is what I'm going to do. It's dum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. That's all my thoughts. So that's all you're reading above my head. Interesting. Otherwise, people are reading things that are not safe for work. They're not safe for life.

Al Borland, our researcher and producer, has discovered something. Now, what did you discover, Al? Apparently, the Truman Show delusion is a real thing. Yes. Yes, it is. Wait. I can verify. It's part of a series of psychology.

It's a psychological condition called Truman Syndrome. And he thought it was called narcissism. What an idiot. And apparently there was, uh, psychiatrists have determined it to be, yeah, a preoccupying belief that the world has changed in some way and other that,

uh, other people are aware of. Interesting. Let me ask you this honest question. Are you guys in the pre-dromal phase of schizophrenia? Are you? Well, well, let's, in the pre-dromal phase of schizophrenia. Are you? Well, let's leave out words like schizophrenia and delusion. Let's talk about are you guys in on it?

What could I possibly say right now that would either convince you that I'm in or out? Well, if you told me. I am definitely not in. Yeah. If you told me that you're in on it. But that does look like a refreshing Aquafina, Mike. If you told me that you're in on it and could provide some beats. This segment brought to you by Aquafina. Yeah.

It is my favorite drink. I was just kidding. I am in on it. I knew it. No, I'm not. Oh. You first things first. I'm not in it.

Get on a boat and sail as far as you can sail. I will be honest. I'll be honest with you. And try to poke a hole in the world. I'll be honest with you. I worry right now that me coming out and talking about this is plummeting my ratings. I mean, people don't want to know that I know. Now that you know, it's not entertaining.

Yeah, the show's over. The show is over. I just ruined it. Did you watch The Real World when you were growing up? No. Did you ever have anybody reach out and try to break through? You know, the, what is it, the fourth wall? Fifth wall?

No, they've all been very good actors. They've all acted perfectly? Yes. Interesting. So I'm going to take the continuation of my life. I'll take the Truman Show. I'm going to change nothing and continue to be Truman. Yes.

How about you guys? I think I'm going to do the... I don't want to be watched all the time. Oh, I'm doing the Truman one. Oh, so your thoughts... You don't want to be dum-ba-ba-ba-da-bum? No, I know some of the thoughts I have had. Look, the difference between a good person...

Well, one of the differences between a good person, well, one of the differences between a good person and just a sociopath is we all have those thoughts. We all have the thought, but then you have the actual restraint to take that thought and bury it deep, deep down inside where it will certainly never

resurface. Bottle it up, turn it off like a light switch. Alright, would you not uh would you rather would you rather not be able to read or not be able to speak that's a that's a difficult one that's not really like it's easy to get your head around it's very philosophical it is i think so because reading you know i think a lot of people think it's the core of learning education exactly i think people think i could do without reading reading's boring reading's not fun but in reality once again continuing your life if you take out

the ability to read you know would this happen from this point on or like going backwards right now right now so you feel like you probably read enough maybe yeah i guess so i think i'm look i've read some real good stuff when i think of people who are well read i do think of jason moore thank you mate you're welcome now jason i don't know if you mind me sharing this. But I'm going to anyway. But you've been broadcast for years, so people already know. Everyone knows. But you are a traditionally slower reader than the average Joe.

That is true. Good comprehension. I read everything at the speed of reading out loud because everything I read early in life was all scripts. So I would read out loud, and that's the speed at which I read even in my head. Oh, that's why. Yeah. Because we've had times when we've had to read stuff, and he won't miss anything. But you will miss him for a while.

For two weeks. As you're getting through. Especially whenever. So we work together work together three of us full-time and we uh you know we'll get an email a really long email and we'll read it on the same screen you know and andy you're a very fast reader yeah and so you have to oh you're like ready to get there roll it was like and i'm like whoa hold on and then you're baking a cake doing whatever have you ever been in a book club no goodness no i'm

trying to imagine how that would work how it would work when they say okay we need to finish chapters three through five let's reconvene on friday and then you just have to keep rejoining the same group over and over yeah i mean i'd be like oh man i've got something tuesday night so i'm not going to be able to get through three through five. Did you ever try to read faster? No, not really. Well, that's half true.

I downloaded a plug-in that- To your brain? That would be awesome. No, to Chrome, a Chrome extension that helps you read faster by putting one word up at a time so your eyes don't have to move along a page left to right. Have either of you ever heard of this? I've done that many times. I've never heard of this.

I've used that. And it helps you read like crazy fast. You can read like four times faster. It's like a speed reading tool. Interesting. But how did you take to it? It worked, but it stinks. It's kind of weird because you lose the referential context of being able to like.

You feel like a robot. You feel like a machine. Instead of like when you're reading a page and you read something, you can glance back up at the previous sentence. So when you're reading that fast, how well does your comprehension hold up? The same. If you're reading properly. You feel like you're still absorbing the material the same?

I did. It's weird because I don't feel like I'm retaining it, but you do. I mean, you're reading it, so yeah. This is fascinating. I think that... Are there any benefits to not being able to speak? I mean, I don't... You know that that No Doubt song is about you?

Mm-hmm. Okay. Well, we're going to need a rim shot on that one. Andy doesn't even get it, so that's all right. Yeah, don't speak. I don't get the song. It's a great joke. Maybe crickets.

There it is. That's better. Okay, so benefit one, some songs might be about you. Benefit two, you can't. I mean, you're not expected. Like, one of the things that actually, this is a character flaw of mine, hugely is that I don't like people asking me questions at all wow so the inability not not all the time but like a lot of the time i don't like having to like i'm i'm two in my head i'm already

thinking about multiple things so when somebody asks a question i have to then think about it and sometimes how rude of them i said it was a character flaw not a feature right now they always say think before you speak right and so facto you don't have you don't have to think about it you don't have to think at all anymore because you don't have to speak you will never have your foot in your mouth well i'm just saying there'd be no expectation for me to answer a question right well you can still not dang it yeah yes and no questions only all right i'm gonna um i'm not reading you're not reading yeah i'm not speaking that that fits you mike just your resting angry face if jason's always been on the truman show you've already i can go

i could go days without speaking yeah you, you could. Other than your job. Yeah, but I'm saying as a podcast. Also, you're out. You're off the team. No, I'll just. Oh, yeah. I'm going to have to go no read. I'm going to have to go no read so I can still do my job.

The Spitballers Draft. All right. Today we are drafting super abilities, right? But we're drafting them in the context of we are crafting the coolest superhero we can by drafting the greatest super abilities. I'm so upset at this. And I have the first pick. That's why I'm upset.

Mike has the second pick. There are two clear winners. Al Borland is going to be writing these down. For the picks there's a 101 and a 102 and I've got the third pick. Anytime somebody says something like that it freaks me out because I don't see a clear

101 and 102 which freaks me out as the 101. I have a clear 101 I just don't have two that are top tier. Theoretically, the one that I'm about to pick will be the best one. I get the impression you're going to get what you want because I hinted at what I was going to draft at 101. Yours is

probably the 102. In your mind? Whatever. What do you got? Drafting superpowers. Now, are we going to fight each other at the end of this? Yes. Awesome.

No, like the three of us, we're going to fight physically while we scream about how we have the best draft. At 101, for my superhero, I'm going to start him off. It's the right pick. With invincibility. Yes. Invulnerability, invincibility. Indestructible. Yes.

However you want to spin it. Yeah. I have to start there. There are some things that I want in a superhero, but that's something I need in a superhero. Excellent. I need to be invincible. Excellent. Yeah.

And here comes the real 101. Because your superpower is completely useless against me because I'm a telepathic. Yeah. Mind control is the clear 101. And I can control your mind. Not necessarily. superpower is completely useless against me because i'm a i'm a telepathic yeah mind control is the clear one i can control your mind not necessarily we haven't finished the draft that's that's true he could he could draft uh you're taking metal helmet you're uh i get magneto's helmet you're taking telepathy yes i'm taking telepathy okay um so jason you don't get invincibility you don't get telepathy well the you know look i wanted mind

control of course yes because then you know punch yourself forever done um even if you're indestructible you're gonna be busy punching yourself forever now i what's interesting about this is i have one that i think is is so clear that you should take it. And you have two picks. You have two chances to mess this up. Well, I already know what my two picks are. All right. And it's ironic that you say that your pick is so clear.

Yes. Crystal. Yes. Crystal clear. I will be crystal clear. I pick invisibility. Okay. Good luck controlling my mind when you don't know I'm here.

Fair. That could be true. Also... I'm also invincible to telekinesis. Ironically, my first two picks, which now I'm on pick five. I'm on the fifth pick. Why are you on the fifth pick? I will be the fifth pick.

Wait, you'll be the fourth. There are three of us. You just counted yourself multiple times. You don't get the superpower of having extra picks or numbers that don't make sense. No, but I think the two that you should reference is obviously mind control, but flight. Dude, I'm not being a superhero that can't fly. The thing about flight is I think it's like if I could have any power, it would probably be flight. But it's just not practical.

It's not very powerful. Let me ask you this. What is the famous phrase, oh, no, things are getting serious. You got to have your instinct. It's fight or flight. Yeah. See, I'm getting out of here. Right.

But you realize you're a hero that is leaving it's darn right you're you're flying you're invisibly flying away from the battle we are we are drafting powers equivalent of if your power would be you are the air i i might not kill you but you ain't never getting me like we're trying to build a person who is a superhero and protects. And you took the ore of the influence. Now, in fairness, we are drafting superpowers, not necessarily a superhero. How do you know I'm not a villain? I feel like we're building somebody.

Literally, the name of this draft was build a superhero with superpowers. Okay. And then you said, are we fighting at the end? So we got it. Slow reading. Problems with simplepowers. Okay. And then you said, are we fighting at the end? So we got it. Slow reading. Problems with simple math. All right.

Mike, you've got to make another pick. Look, flight is, that's why I said, what I want is flight. What I needed was invincibility. Yeah. So flight is a fine pick, Jason. It's a great pick number five for you from the four spot. Thank you.

Mike, you're back on the table, and I'm curious what you're going to go with. I'm taking elemental control. Yeah, so you want to control the weather and the mines. Yes. Not only, but it's not just weather as in storm, but I mean- Fire. Do I want to be Iceman? I got that power. Do I want to be the Human Torch ice man i got that power do i want to be the human torch i've got that power where i respect is that true is that elemental control so you can

make yourself you can burn yourself alive i can control fire but that doesn't mean that you can that your constitution can can sustain it does it yes that means that i can storm never was hit herself with lightning and was fine, was she? She could. She could? Yes. And it's like Thor. Thor can strike himself with thunder. Or not thunder, but lightning.

I wanted to bring this up because Thor is the god of thunder, which is so stupid. Because it controls lightning? You're the god of the sound? You're the god of the sound of what happens after lightning strikes? Stand back. Get ready for this. Boom, boom, boom. I mean, it's...

That's super scary. I was thinking about that a couple weeks ago. Boom, boom, boom. Shouldn't he be the god of lightning, not thunder? I will go with my second pick here. So, Mike, you have elemental control and mind control, essentially. I have invincibility, and I'm going to add teleportation.

That's a great one. It's far better than flight. No, it's not. Because I get two picks, I'm going to also take time travel. No! That's the one I wanted and I thought it would get back to me. That's such a good pick. Time travel is very, and I thought it would get back to me. That's such a good pick.

Time travel is very important. I thought it would get back to me, too. And so teleportation and time travel to go with invincibility. Oh, man. I at least want to put up a fight in this one. Yeah, those are two great picks. Dang it. And I'm going to take this one knowing that it's a very controversial pick because I believe that most people don't truly understand

the power of it, but I'm going to take it anyway, hoping that people do. Perfect digestive system. Yeah, man, if you're going to have a perfect digestive system. Wouldn't that be nice? I'm going to take super speed. That makes me super happy. Yeah. Super speed is- But here's Superspeed is definitely exciting.

When you can move at Superspeed. For example, Quicksilver in not the movie where he dies, which was the Avenger one, but where he is running around the room and people literally can't do anything. As in, even the telepathic person can't do anything because he can't think fast enough because this person is so fast. So it would have been a good counter, you're saying, to the telepathy. Yes, it would be. In my opinion, super speed is the most powerful power you can possibly have. Wow, that is a bad opinion, but it is yours.

Good luck flying away because I'm going to be able to run and hit you before you even start flying. Not if I start flying first. I'm already in the air. Come reach me. You can't because you're just fast. I'm never landing. I'm not just fast, Jason. I'm super fast.

That's true. That's true. Okay, so I've got two picks coming up here um man I am so upset I didn't get time travel Andy I think you're probably gonna win this draft with the invincibility and time travel that's a powerful combo but I've got uh I've got invisibility which sounds very close so that's good and I've got flight, which is awesome. Look, if you're going to rob a bank. Oh, I'm calling you. Yeah, you're darn right.

If I'm going to get in a superhero battle, me and Andy are going to fight. And I want to put this out there because this is not just, we did not say create the most powerful superhero. We said create a full superhero that is the coolest. And so there are things that make a superhero and so there are things that make a superhero powerful and there are things that make them cool yes uh there are things that uh fit into both of those categories jason you have invisibility i am going to you have flight i'm going to draft magnetic manipulation okay so you control magnets only no not metal but just fields that's that magnetic manipulation is what Magneto has.

One of the most powerful. But I was kind of more excited about you doing a lot with refrigerator magnets. Oh, dude. You want to see what I can do with refrigerator magnets. Just watch. I mean, you watch Magneto. If there is an ounce, just a shred of. If there's iron in your blood.

Right. If there's iron in your blood right if there's iron in your blood i just now it's now it's outside of your body through your body um so i all right i mean i think that's way more powerful than super speed but you've got to round it out now the most powerful thing and you said you want the coolest. I always think, look, if I think what are the coolest superheroes, right? What are the coolest superheroes? You know, Spider-Man, Iron Man, Batman. What do they all have in common?

I want a man. Super intelligence. Super power. I want super intelligence. Super power. You know, when you are a, I can build, I mean, think about Iron Man, right? His suit is his strength. But that's not really his superpower. His superpower was super intelligence. He built that because he's smart enough to build anything.

So I've got, you know know limitless type of mind super intelligence i think is i don't even think it's underrated i think people are going to see it and know how great it is all right mike you get your final pick here okay well i'm kind of interested that this one fell all the way to me uh but I'm going to create the, or I should say close the loop on the telepower, so I'm now telepathic and I'm also telekinetic. So you can read my mind. No, you can move. So now I can move things with my mind.

With mind bullets. That's telekinesis, Kyle. Yes, I now move everything with my mind you're not you're not your muscles not well formed don't need them so i'm going to be honest well they are my legs because i'm super fast you just got a big big quads yeah small upper body i feel like so when i look at superhero movies and watch them there's plenty of uh plenty of telekinetic people, right? Like Rogue or even... No, Rogue is not telekinetic.

Yeah, she can move things with her mind. Rogue? No, she absorbs power. No, no, no. I'm sorry. Not Rogue. Jean Grey. Yes, Jean Grey.

Yes. Phoenix. But even though she eventually gets to the super powerful type, she's not as strong as Magneto usually. she eventually gets to the super powerful type. She's not as strong as Magneto usually, but I feel like that's a better power than, like I can only control metal.

You can also control metal. Yes. Because you can control objects. That's why Professor X and Jean Grey slash the Phoenix are like the most powerful mutants in existence. So you couldn't do what he said, though, about pulling iron from your blood, really? No. No, not just...

Just more objects. Yes. You can telekinetically control things. Right. And then your mind gives you mind control. Yes. All right. I'm going to...

So Jason's super smart, but I will be controlling the super smart thoughts that he has. So he just thinks he's super smart, but he's actually building a contraption to destroy himself. That sucks. Good. But unfortunately, all those thoughts that you're having about that are appearing in a bubble above your head. Not me. Now I know.

Not me. So I have a tough decision here. I thought about going. This is my final pick. This is the last pick of the draft. And I have, what, time travel, teleportation, and invincibility. So I thought about going with

force fields, right? That would protect me against your objects, potentially, and maybe your mind. But you're indestructible. That's right. Why would you bring that up, Jason? I'm actually going to go with absorbing powers. Okay, that up, Jason? I'm actually going to go with absorbing powers.

Okay. So that's what Rogue does. Yes. The power of absorbing the power of somebody else. Dang it. I should not have brought that up because that's a way better pick. Yes. That's a way better pick.

Yeah. So I would like this draft to represent the fact that I have all of your powers. Yeah, he does. Regardless. Only if you can touch us. And I'm super fast. I'm us. And I'm super fast. I'm invisible. And I'm up there.

Good luck. Good luck touching either of you. You just drafted nothing. Yes, Mike. So that is our draft. It'll be an interesting vote, actually. I think that there are some powerhouses. What is the final rundown here?

Andy, you have invincibility, teleportation, time travel, and power absorption. I'll see where you're going. Then I'll go back in time, go there, so that you go there, and I can touch you and take your powers. Time travel is going to help him do that. Yes. Mike, you have telepathy, elemental control, super speed, and telekinesis.

I'm pretty happy. And I have invisibility, flight, magnetic manipulation, and super intelligence. Very, very nice to see what superhero comes out. I'll see you at the top, Andy. Oh, you're finishing third, Mike.

It's tough in the threes. It's tough in the threes. All right. Did you guys learn anything on the show today? I learned that Jason is a raging narcissist. Okay. I learned that Christmas tree rooms should be in mine and Mike's house. Yes.

And I think I learned that in the event of an evil force coming, in which case we're all responsible for defeating it, the best place for us, Mike, is a tight hallway where Jason can plug the hallway up for us. And we can just chill. We'll keep him alive. Yeah. He can take a beating. Close enough. Ten hit points remaining.

Thank you for listening to the show. We'll see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com. You can get all the information it takes to support this show.