Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 4: Mysterious Money and Superhero Showdowns - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 9, 2018

The guys tell you what to do if you find a million dollars in the forrest under the creepiest possible circumstances. There's also another mock draft this week! They'll be building their own avengers style team of heroes. Finally, you might just learn something about the difference in men vs women when it comes to Spanx.  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Welcome Welcome in to yet another Spitballers Podcast. I am Andy Holloway, joined, as always, by Mike Wright and Jason Moore. Welcome in, gentlemen. Oh, so happy to be here. This is your dadly dose of nonsense. Oh, I like it. Your dadly dose of nonsense. Oh, I like it. Your dadly dose. Welcome to the dadliest of places.

We have a wonderful show for you today. Doing some Would You Rather. Some life advice. We got some... What else do we got going on? We got a mock draft. Oh, we're going to do a very important mock. Mono e mono e mono.

We're doing a What Would You Do? We're not doing life advice today. Somebody didn't update the show doc. Well, don't worry about that. At the top, today's segment, you lie. But worry about this. Worry about this. Because you just gave me a great idea for a television show.

Oh, good. For the middle-aged fella who can't catch a break. He is now single. He's ready to mingle. He trying to he's trying to find love in this world and they call it dadliest catch oh wow dadliest i was really hoping that that long tale had a good ending and it did you are welcome does mike also uh copyright spitballers does micro narrate a person oh... Oh, Mike Rowe? Yeah.

Does he end up narrating somebody's life as they go find love? He has to. Yeah, there's no choice. The wind's blue. I am sure that his... That's your Mike Rowe impression. His contract, I'm sure, says all derivative products you must narrate. So he'll be obligated to partake in our.

I just wish I was Mike Rowe. Oh, my God. You have such a good voice. You find him everywhere. He's talking about the universe on Discovery Channel. Obviously, Deadliest Catch. It's funny you bring that up. He can make a podcast in two seconds, and it just sounds so good.

Not only that, but I went to school for acting. You obey. shout out. Did you flunk out? Yeah, of course I did. But so I wanted to be an actor growing up. And the thing that I am most jealous of, I'm not a jealous guy. Like, I don't envy people's lives a lot. Someone hasn't seen my abs in a while. You know, but the one thing, if you were to ask my wife, what is Jason jealous of?

I am always so incredibly jealous of phenomenal voices. You're just born that way. The actors that aren't good actors, but they're amazing. They're the best actors you've ever seen just because when they talk, you listen. Like I was watching Westworld recently, and the owner of the company from the past, at least at this point, that's what I think he was. Everything always changes. His voice, that Scottish-accented fellow, his voice is the lowest voice that has ever existed. And so he's a phenomenal actor.

Yeah, yeah. Good news. The dot com is available. I would highly suggest we register this before this podcast goes live. The dadliest catch. The dadliest catch. I do not think it will be. How do you spell dadliest?

Well, how do you think you would spell it, Mr. Orangutan? Oh, great. D-A-D, dad. Yeah. Would there be another D, dad? No. L-I-E-S-T. Yes.

If I can spell it first try, you know we're buying that domain. You are the doubtliest catch, Jason. You can find us on Twitter at SpitballersPod. SpitballersPod.com is the website. You can send us your questions for the various segments on the show, But spitballerspod.com is the website. You can send us your questions for the various segments on the show, and we'll feature some of them and talk through them and really change lives like we do each and every week here on the Spitballers Podcast.

We always appreciate your Apple Podcast reviews, your subscriptions, wherever you're listening. Thank you for tuning in. New shows drop each and every Monday. Without further ado, let's do it. Would you rather? Okay. All right.

You sounded perplexed by the question. Like you were going to ask, you were going to answer the would you rather of the announcer, but you didn't ask the question. He said, would you rather, and I'm thinking, rather not. Really? Would you rather live in a cave or live in a treehouse? That's today's question on would you rather. Would you rather live in a cave or live in a treehouse?

This is a careful examination of the pros and cons. An insight into our lives. Possible very important information for those planning a post-apocalyptic future. I'm trying to think through famous, well-known instances of both of these sides. I can think of the Swiss family. Robinson.

I believe that they had an incredible tree house. Yeah. Tarzan. Well, I thought that they had an incredible tree house. Yeah. Tarzan. Well, I thought that initially simply because Disneyland has infected my brain. But the real Tarzan, he lived with apes. They did not have tree houses. Here's the thing, though. I think in Tarzan, the apes lived in trees.

They lived up in tree houses. Not the tree house. Have you seen apes nowadays? No, I'm saying in Tarzan, the apes lived in trees. They lived up in tree houses. Not the tree house. Have you seen apes nowadays? No, I'm saying in Tarzan, in the movie. Yeah? They lived in houses? You know, I don't remember. Look, all I know is there is a Tarzan's tree house at Disneyland.

Yes. So I went. Well, because in the Tarzan cartoon i believe there is the family lives in a tree house and then a jaguar comes and disposes of the parents i think this one is clear to me i mean a tree house is where i want to be okay a cave seems like there are far more discomforts you've got darkness you've got moisture you discomforts. You've got darkness. You've got moisture. You've got bats. You've got potential

animals. You have lack of sight. Which is also the same as darkness. You have protection? Yeah, you do have protection. You have a constant temperature? Yeah. Might not be a good one. No, it's great. Underground is great. How big of a cave is this?

This is not. Because if I'm walking a few feet and then it opens up into an atrium, we're talking with a nice skylight. If this is the Hilton of caves, then I'm moving in. There's no skylights because it's a cave. We're talking you happen to go up a path, and generally if you were on a hike, you know that there's a bear hibernating in that cave

a tree house takes time it takes preparation it takes lumber a cave is just there so if i'm ready to go if i'm in a pinch i'm in a cave if i've got time i'm in a tree see i i can tell you this right now if it comes down to like okay would you rather you you know, do it yourself, DIY, live in a tree house or live in a cave? It ain't no question. Well, yeah, you can't make a cave. Well, but my point is I can't make a tree house. Batman disagrees. Well.

Yeah, that's a good one. If I were to make a tree house, I would live in it for up to 10 minutes before I die, falling from this rickety board that I laid across two branches. My treehouse would literally just be a couple of boards across branches. This treehouse was made on HGTV. Oh, okay. There are licensed contractors that built you something here. Yeah.

No girls allowed. If that's the... Well, of course. There's three men, woman haters, or whatever it is. Well, I just... Most tree houses... There's either no boys allowed or no girls allowed. Yeah, it's exclusive to one sex.

Ah, I see. Yeah, you got to nail up the... There's never been a tree house with multiple... Like, both genders in it. No co-ops. No co-op tree houses. That'd be a fun summer. Yeah, I think...

Do caverns count? Yeah, as a cave? Well..., I think, do caverns count as a cave? Because there are some beautiful caverns. No, because... Do caverns count as caves? What's the difference between a cavern and a cave? A cavern, it's not covered. It's not a completely enclosed area. It's practically the same word.

Thank you, Andy. I think of a cavern and a canyon as very close. No, not a canyon, Mike. I know, but I think of them as... What about a valley? Is a cavern a roofed canyon? Is a cavern a roofed canyon? No, because that's a cave.

Then what is a cavern? Oh, this is... Yeah, it's time to Google. I think what we found out here is no one knows what a cavern actually is. Nope, it's a cave or a chamber in a cave what did you just go inception a cavern is a cave in a cave you talk to the you talk to uh the dictionary about say it again read it again from the internet where we know it's true cavern pronounced cavern yes good start yes a cave or a chamber in a cave, typically a large one. So a cavern is a cave.

Okay. It's not a cave in a cave. It's just a cave. Tell you what, man, the cave is looking better and better to me. I realize I might not have the most natural lighting, but I know I didn't build it. I don't want the rainstorm in the tree house yeah the rainstorm in the tree that's terrifying well now if it's hgtv built i'm sure there's a roof yeah well yeah i'm expecting a roof in my tree house not my tree board yeah and

what's the storm protection on this i mean no it's more dangerous there but if you're in a cave or as you would call it, a cavern, and the waters rise, the most paranoid, like, if you talk about... Not all caves have water. No, no, no. What I'm saying is, where does water go? Up or down? Both. It doesn't go up. What do you mean both?

Well, I mean like the cycle of... Give me an example of water going up. The example of water going up is the vapors. That's not. Vapor goes up. But that's not. Okay, it is technically water. But you know what I'm saying?

If water, if it floods and you're in a cave, that seems like one of the worst ways to die. But you don't have to. You're not secluded there for the rest of your life, is it? No. Is this a would you rather be locked? You're sleeping and then you wake up. And you're filled with water. No, the cave is elevated.

Just like the treehouse. What? On the side of a mountain. Okay. Okay. All right. Oh, you mean like a cavern? Yeah, of course.

Okay, so I just realized I have to go in the treehouse. Why? Do tell. Spiders. Yeah. Look, I'm sure a spider could climb a tree. They're everywhere in trees. They're everywhere in caves.

I have never been up in a tree and seen a spider. That's a true story. I cannot count the amount of times I've been up in a tree, but still factual. Have you been in a cave? I've been in several caves. But have you been in a cave? I've been in several caves. But have you been in a cavern? Well, of course I have, Mike. One and the same.

But I don't think I've ever in my life been in a cave without seeing a spider. Really? Yeah, really. Even including Disneyland. Like, you know, the Tom Sawyer's Island thing? Yeah, you saw a spider in there. There's spiders in there. If Walt

Disney can't personally get rid of spiders from his cave, I sure can't. So I'm up in that tree. Walt Disney is able to... Where are sweet potatoes most likely to grow? The cave. Oh, man. So that's another reason. It's just garbage. Alright, would you rather have shirts

that are always two sizes too small or one... Wait. What? Oh are always two sizes too small or one. Wait. Oh, so two sizes too big or one size too small. So a giant shirt. You're never wearing a shirt that fits you again. So you either look like a little kid in dad's shirt. Yeah, or someone who lost a lot of weight

and didn't want to reassemble their wardrobe. Yeah, if your shirt is two sizes too big, it looks sloppy. Oh, it looks terrible. But it looks sloppy. Oh, it looks terrible. But it's comfy. Oh, it is 100% comfy. You can put your knees in it, pull it over your legs. Yeah, when you get cold. Talk to 12-year-old version of me.

Oh, I was the scrawniest of the scrawny. I was living that XXXL t-shirt life. And my JNCO pants? Come on. Now, one size too small means your pepperonis are showing, Mike. That's true. That is true. Here's the problem with the one size too small.

So if you are in shape, there is none. It's an advantage. You could go six sizes too small. And so long as that will paint your beautiful body, you're okay. But I got a lot of rounded edges. a lot of rolling hills on my body. And when I wear a shirt. It's like a bag of avocados. When I wear a shirt that is, let's just say the right size.

Forget being too small. If it's not black, I'm embarrassed with myself. Why does a black shirt help so much? It's slimming, right? But why? Because it looks like darkness? I think it's that light can simply not reflect off of it. Do you think that no one can see you?

Do you wear all black in hopes that people think you just sneak by? That's ridiculous. Of course not. That would be camouflage. No, it really is different. If I wear, I've got a purple shirt, right? But then you look like Grimace. That purple shirt, I'm telling you, I need a bra.

You resemble a friendly dinosaur. What's the character from Willy Wonka? Oh, did you throw out a Grimace? It just got to me. That reverberated off the wall. It just got back to me. I remembered who Grimace was. Oh, my goodness.

The lovely McDonald's mascot. The shape of Grimace is not one you want. And it's perfect because that might be the culprit for my curves. The McDonald's? Oh, that is perfect. Now, is it at all possible, Jason, if you are trapped in a t-shirt that is always one size too small? Oh, I see where you're going.

Is this going to help motivate you? Is it a motivational shirt? I know you're motivated right now, but if you have no choice, you are always on display. What is that thing called? A corset? The old-fashioned ladies? What if those became socially marks out to a wig that? I can tell you right now, this is no joke.

And my wife, if you're listening, I've shamed you for this before, but shame on you. I got a couple years ago a Christmas present. This was a gift wrapped for me. Oh, no. Prank gift or real gift? No, real gift. And not only that, but I found out later it was $50.

$50? So it's an expensive real gift. She got me a Spanx for Men undershirt that I'm telling you what, if you think that, you know, women wearing corsets in the 1200s had it rough, you're wrong because this Spanx for men shirt could have fit a Barbie

and trying to get this thing off. I got it on. Getting it off was the problem because it's, it is, it's under my skin. My skin, it sucked so tight that the skin just soaked out like it was a liquid. It's like the symbiote from Spider-Man. You would become Venom, except you were just a little bit thinner version of yourself. Yes. Oh, my goodness. And so, no, the corset version of the...

No, the corset version of the... Is the male spank t-shirt still intact, or did you have to fireman rescue cut it off? No, we did get it off a couple of days in. We got it off. I did immediately throw it in the garbage. My wife burned $50 cash on a Christmas present. More importantly, she wasted a gift. I could have had... What else could I have received?

Right. But I do see your point. If I had to wear a shirt too small every single day... Is that a motivating factor for you? If it was not black... Yeah, what's the worst color besides purple? I would say the worst color is like a bright orange. Very attracting for eyeballs.

It says, hey, look at me. Oh, look at those pepperonis. Those are some pointy pepperonis. You sure those aren't pineapples? Oh, my goodness. Yeah, so I'm going, in general, I don't need the motivation. I'm going to have the comfort. I'm taking the shirt that's two sizes too big.

I'll live with myself. All right. You guys ready to move on? By the way, if you are a fan of this show and also football, you should check out the Fantasy Footballers podcast on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen. Fantasy Footballers Podcast on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen. Fantasy Footballers Podcast is our other podcast. We've been doing it for years.

Yes. Yes. So check it out. I think we're moving on to some What Would You Do? What would you do? All right. This is the part of the show where we put you in a tough situation and we figure out what you do? All right, this is the part of the show where we, you know, we put you in a tough situation and we figure out what you do.

And we're technically experts at answering these questions. For sure. We've been through a lot and we can help you out. All right, this is a great one. You're walking in a forest and you found a black suitcase. Inside it holds $1 million and a piece of paper stained in blood with a single word, don't. So the word is written in blood. In blood.

Yeah, yeah. Would you take the suitcase home or leave it alone? Now, how do we, do I taste this paper? Is this how I find, like, you know, it's written in red, and I just jump to this has to be blood. I think when you put the circumstances together... You just assume? You assume. Or is there another note?

Like, another note that says that note was written with blood? No. Because that... I mean, that one would have been written in blood, too. Right. They ran out of... Well, what if that pen ran out? Yeah, it just says...

Nobody ever runs out of blood to finish the blood note, by the way, if you notice that. Nobody finishes it with like a Sharpie, starts it with blood, and then it's... But, okay, it's written in blood. We're accepting that fact. Okay, all right. You found a million dollars in the middle of a forest, and there's a note in it, and it says, don't, with the proper punctuation written in blood. Oh, man. And it's got a million dollars in it. it says don't uh with the proper punctuation written in blood oh man and it's got a

million dollars in it mighty tempting which speaking of a million dollars had some million dollar bacon for lunch today oh i can't even we buried the lead shout out first watch restaurant the million dollar bacon is it's a miracle that i'm here today it's 4.99 and yet i understand why they call it million dollar bacon it's the best bacon i've ever had and i will say this if if it had if this suitcase had a million dollars of bacon in it now we're talking yeah if there was one way if you can pick your own if it was just the million dollar bacon i i was hearing you like a million dollars worth of bacon like look this question is a lot more difficult with the money if it was you open it up and there's a plate of million dollar bacon and a and a blood soaked note that says don't i'm eating that bacon and laughing at whoever's watching me i

don't care like i don't worry about the repercussions of eating your bacon even you know because you're going out on top here's done right get back, here's what you do. Because I can't imagine just, I mean, what are you going to do? Just walk away and leave? Not tell a soul? Walk away from this? You got to finish that note. You got to prick your finger and then change it so it says, you know.

Don't worry about it. Don't worry. Take this money. Don't stop taking this money. That's good. What if you found the note, but instead it wasn't don't. It was please don't. Oh, very polite.

Yes. So really nice calligraphy in blood. Yeah, but I mean, it's a very polite just please don't. I would be less inclined to listen to it. A Canadian would have left that briefcase. Yes, that's a very polite, just please don't. I would be less inclined to listen to it. A Canadian would have left that briefcase. Yes, that's a Canadian briefcase. You know that right out of the gate. Yeah, no American.

Which means you might be able to. If it said, please don't, I'm taking the money. That's not even a difficult question. Because what source is it going to happen? At that point, they're going to say, come on, man. I said, please. May I please have it back? Yeah, exactly.

But if it says don't. In blood. In blood. Now I'm like, okay, this is not from Canada. I'm going to have to deal with some repercussions. Now, what are the rules? You see this happen, I feel like, in television shows and movies where you become honest, Abee you found something that does

not belong to you generally financially related you turn it into the police and then there's this 30-day waiting period or whatever and if it is not claimed is that really what happens i'm asking if it's true because it happens in shows all the time i think there are some rules like that cash is a hard thing like i found when i was a small child i went to the movie theater with my brother and by small child i mean like 12 and when i well in fairness you were a tiny itty yeah i was a really itty bitty baby uh i was old enough to be dropped off with my brother to the movie theater whatever that age is what is that age that's older than 12 back in no not back in the 80s man no early 90s we went up to the the we were going to see the it was phantom menace days whenever that was okay phantom menace had just come out you can figure

that data my brother and i paid for our tickets took a couple steps to the right, and behind a pillar was a roll of money. Oh. A roll of money. A roll. And for us, we were probably still on the $10 a month allowance at that time. So I think you were older. It was 1999. So I was 15.

There you go. Okay. So not 14 years old. So I drove with my learner's permit. I was 14, whatever it was. And it was a roll of money. And I told my brother, as soon as I saw it, I go, pick it up. Pick it up.

And so he picks it up. Step one, you made him accountable. And he is the perpetrator. Well, we were accounting the money soon. And we took it. And we went in. And this was like red alert and we took it and we went in and we like this was like red alert we took it we grabbed it we went into the movie theater we got into our seats and we started counting you didn't go in the bathroom no we went to the movie theaters are

very dark where do you go with the bathroom if you go in the bathroom the only place you get privacy me and my brother are both going in the stall together? No. To count our money? No, it's, look, I'm going to get that wad of money. I'm going in the stall. I'm going to count it. Don't worry. The number you get is definitely the amount of money. So you go in the movie theater.

And we start counting. 20, 40, 60, 80, 100, 20, 40, 60, 80, 200. It was $220. And this is, you know, this was clearly. That's a suitcase full of a million dollars. For a kid that age. Yeah. And this was a drop.

I mean, this had to have been a drug drop or something like that. Back behind this pillar. So we didn't know what to do. Do we tell our mom? Do we not tell mom? Do we keep it? Do we not? We ended up being the honest apes. Wow.

And we went to the movie theater. Good for you. And we went to turn in the $220 with sad looks on our faces. And you know what they did? They gave us the money immediately. They said, we cannot accept cash in Lost and Found. No one can prove that they lost this money. It's your money.

You found it. And then we went to Best Buy. Wow. And it was an amazing story because that's the dream. As a kid, you have no way of getting money. Your parents aren't going to give you more money. You can't get a job and work. I wasn't willing to work, even if you could.

And then you find $220 on the ground in 1999. That leads me to an excellent strategy of just going business to business and saying, hey, I dropped a wad of money here. Did anyone happen to bring to Lost and Found a large amount of money? Because it belongs to me. They won't take it. The Lost and Found won't take it.

So this was all because you said, what do the cops do? I think the cops are supposed to give you the money. You believe that Lost and Founds, for instance, aren't allowed to accept large amounts of cash. That makes sense. Okay. That does make sense. If I was a company, I would be like, whoa, I can't be responsible for this.

Yeah. How do you prove that it's somebody's money? You can't prove who's money it is. Right. So you can't accept large amounts of cash. Well, I now know what I'm doing with the briefcase. Okay. What are you doing?

I'm taking it to the nearest lost and found. He's going to Best Buy. I'm taking it to the nearest lost and found, and I'm saying, I found this. Please, it's not mine. And they say, we cannot accept it. It's yours. And then I become rightful owner and heir to a million dollars. So you're not with a note that says don't.

Yeah, I mean, it's- And a note that says don't yeah i mean it's and a note that says don't that's that's the bigger problem is now there is a maniac after you or just someone without a pin i mean you don't know that they're a maniac they could just have ran out of other writing utensils like don't brb do you take that money mike oh man i don't i think i do honestly i that was a real i saw the look on your face you were i really thought that was an honest flip over the note prick your finger and write sorry and just leave that there i mean the honest answer is as of as someone with a family and... And the risk involved?

Yeah, the risk, I probably don't. But single, Mike? I just got myself a Lambo. I got myself... My house is paid off. Yeah, what about this? Because, look, I've been learning a little bit of sleight of hand oh a magician a magician uh i i know one magic trick now which is very it's a very good is this

josh's magic trick it is and it was amazing um what if you pick the briefcase or the suitcase whatever case it is you pick it up you look around in the woods you like you're spinning around and you're saying who's is this you know you're just and you're using that distraction while you just grab a pinch just a pinch you grab like one little wad of of cashola and you smash that in your hand and you go is this yours oh it says don't and then you put the suitcase down full of money and walk away so you're just getting a small i just got like 10 grand no thousand dollars the better thing is just kind of scream out into the forest and say i want to be sure if you don't tell me not to take this money in the next five seconds. I'm taking the money. Yeah.

What if you give them an honest timeline? Like you've got one hour. One hour to come clean or this is leaving. I'm giving you the warning. This is litter. Yeah, this is inappropriate. All right, here's a new one. All right. Your child has their classroom.

We all have kids. Your child has brought home the classroom mascot for the weekend, and it now dies under your roof. What do you do? So this is a little hamster, little birdie, little the snake. Yes. Oh, it's always a snake, a hamster, or we've had this situation happen to us. Wait, the whole thing?

You killed it? Almost the entire thing. Except this classroom pet was a leopard. It was stuffed. Oh, yeah. We had Carson the coyote in preschool. Our dog ate it. Is that the way they're going with it now?

There's just stuffed animal pets? A lot less liability. So, but, but we brought it home. I couldn't handle the responsibility of a stuffed animal for a weekend. We had a new dog and that dog loved stuffed animals and he tore that thing to shreds. So, uh, you know, what happened? Who was in charge of this stuffed animal penny the puma isaac was shame on him also for the listeners out there isaac is five years old now now yeah he was

probably four when it happened this you know and tiffany my wife she sent me all across the valley because it was it was to find another one to find an exact one i had a photo like i was a detective looking for a missing person going from shop to shop she actually called all the different stores that carry that that brand and i went to them and at every single one they had almost the same thing but never the same it was it was the green one they had the pink they had the yellow the orange but they could not i feel like if it was a real animal like a hamster you could you could just buy a different one and no one would know you know why this is exactly why at a hotel in the room in the

mini bar they make these things non-replaceable because you can't just be like oh well i'm gonna grab a drink here. I'm going to put it back on my own terms. They're trying to catch you red-handed. So you think that the school pet was a trap? I think that the teacher set you up. Do you think it's one of those bears that had the camera in it? What, a nanny cam?

Yeah, a nanny cam, and they're just trying to check your parenting honesty. I think half of the school pets, if it was dead for a couple days, no one knows. They hide. Oh, he's just hiding. He's just sleeping. I assume that any school pet that comes home is pet number 12. That pet gets replaced every two months without question either the kids are killing it in

the classroom right overfeeding dropping that's got to be the worst on it like if all the pets are hanging out and they're like oh i hope i go to a really nice family and oh i hope i go to a big backyard and then you get the oh no i'm going to i'm going to miss carlson's uh third grade classroom you don't think that like a hamster would be like, ooh, all these people want to play with me. No, no, no, no. Because it would be like, oh, these people actually step on me. This guy bit my tail off.

All a hamster wants to do is run. I mean, they're for his gunk. All hamsters want to do is bite you and sleep. What? What? Do hamsters bite? What happened to you as a child? They bite the crap out of you.

Hamsters are the worst invention. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. So let me just recap. They are the worst. Hamsters are the worst that only want to bite you. So instead of getting a hamster, the other most predominant class pet is a freaking snake? Yeah.

Why can't we have nice pets? Well, my daughter had a tortoise. Tortoises are the solution to all of life's problems. They live forever. Much harder to kill. When you try to kill them, they have a shell. Yes. They can go inside the shell.

Yeah. Rocky wouldn't have chewed up the tortoise if it's big enough. Goodness gracious. All right. One more. What would you do? If you could not fail at anything at all in the world tomorrow what would you do so you're not going to fail at it this

would be uh yeah one day of pure success yeah what would you do if you knew you weren't like what are the things you don't do now because you might fail skydiveive? Yeah. Sure, skydive? My answer is 100% the big squirrel suit. Right. The squirrel? I said right. Yeah. And I don't know what the heck you're talking about. I got more confused because you said right because you were tracking.

The flying squirrel suit that the- No, I would dress up like a squirrel. I've always thought I'd fail at that. Wait a minute. You're talking like the little wings? Yes. A wingsuit is what it's called. Well, I've heard it called a flying squirrel suit.

I have heard no such thing. I've never heard. You're making this up. Is it covered in hair? Exactly. That may make it even better. Do you put a squirrel head on? No, but the tail.

Crap. I just searched squirrel suit, and it came up with a wingsuit flying. Oh, I do believe I am owed an apology. How fast can you go in a squirrel suit? The fastest wingsuit flight recorded. Yes. Oh, man. Yes.

363 kilometers an hour. I'm going to need the sad music. Oh, this sucks. Yes. Yes. Mike. I want direct eye contact, uninterrupted. I'm looking at you, brother.

And I owe you an apology, because I've been on your side of the table where I say really super stupid things all the time, and then every now and then, it turns out I'm right. I apologize to you. I will... Apology accepted. I will... Apology accepted. I will. One caveat. When you search squirrel suit on Google, on the right side, there's a sponsored ad for

a squirrel adult costume gray. Of course. One size fits most adults. Of course. Not this guy. No, they have a Spanx version. Oh, if I'm slim. The Spanx squirrel.

Oh, if I could be a svelte squirrel. That's what you would do. You would do that. No, I I could be a svelte squirrel. That's what you would do. You would do that. No, I would not be a svelte squirrel. So you would wingsuit. I would go wingsuit, and this is my dream of essentially the military-style airplanes where the entire back just can open up because they can drop cars and tanks out. I want to run and jump out of the plane

and use my flying squirrel suit to not die. And I will not fail. You will not die. You will not fail. I would go to Mars. Huh. But you only get 24 hours.

You get 24 hours. That's like a four-year trip. It's a good start. It technically says if you knew you could not fail at anything tomorrow, what would you do? I would go to Mars. I would go to Mars. It starts tomorrow. Yeah, I'd-year trip. It's a good start. It technically says if you knew you could not fail at anything tomorrow, what would you do? I would go to Mars. I would go to Mars.

It starts tomorrow. Yeah, I'd take the trip. I'd take the trip to Mars and back. I feel like... Oh, okay. You qualified. You've got to make sure that's a round trip on the day you're leaving. Because I feel like that's a genie trick situation.

Absolutely. You're like, I want to not fail at going to Mars. And he says, okay. And then you're Matt i want to i want to not fail at going to mars and he says okay and then you're mad damon you're there sending sending signals from mars things out things have worked out pretty well for mad damon i feel like so you want to be mad damon i feel like i would not fail at anything tomorrow it would be mad damon i would i would not fail a mad damon i would be doing my family a disservice if i did not sell everything I own and put it all on black. Lottery, yeah. I mean, you know, it's just one of those if you can't fail.

Is there a greed button somewhere? Because I would hit that. It's more a stewardship button. I mean, if I can't fail, I got to. I've never heard put it all on black and stewardship in the same sentence. Look, the man's going to tithe his winnings. Oh, that's the worst. Oh, man.

If I couldn't fail, I would definitely do something dangerous. I think I would ride a motorcycle because Tiff, my wife, is like, that's outlawed. What about being a superhero for a night? Well, that's – Now we're talking about wishing, but – You know what we're actually talking about? The Spitballers Draft. All right, we did a –

I got you. You see what I'm saying? We did a mock draft a couple weeks ago. We drafted breakfast foods. I had the best team. You had the worst team. Mike had the most diabetic team. It was awesome.

And then Jason, he panic picked some orange juice in the third round and destroyed his roster. It was the fourth round. I did destroy it, but I was killing you guys in the first three. Oh, you had a great draft that you blew it. All right. I guess today, what are we doing? We're drafting a team of superheroes? Yes, we are drafting our Avengers.

But this is not exclusive to only the Avengers. No, no, no. This is any superhero. We are making our own superhero team. You can go to anywhere you want, Marvel, DC, otherwise. No one is off limits as long as they're a superhero. I feel like our team needs to go against the other teams. Who would win?

That's like Civil War. Sure. Who gets the first pick? The first pick will go to Andy because Jason was the first pick last time. Really? That is correct. Now, I'm assembling a team. Wait, who's second?

The best gets the last pick, I'm assembling a team. So wait, who's second? I am second. Oh, the best gets the last pick. I get it. All right. I accept. This is one part the right guy to select for the job, and one part not letting Jason draft him. Oh, don't do it.

With the first overall selection in this superhero draft, I'm going to take Superman. Oh, yeah. That's a chalk pick. You jerk dummy. Look, when LaDainian Thomason was running back for the Chargers, you just take him. It doesn't matter if he's chalk.

Andy is 100% right here. This isn't favorites. If we're going, if my team is going up against Andy's team, I feel like I auto-lose now. So I've got Superman. But then again perhaps i do have a a character who is going to start off my team because this guy is a tremendous leader he is also one of the most powerful superheroes of all time yeah i know where you're going where

you're going i don't know if you know where i'm all, let's see. But I think that this player, or player, this guy actually has the ability to beat Superman in a fight. What? One to one. I'm going with Charles Xavier, Professor X. You want to see what I wrote down for my next pick?

Professor X. Oh, that's a good one. I wanted to go bronze, then brains. I should have, you know. Because he, I mean, if you can control people with your brain. Not from Krypton, though. Nice try.

Oh, is that a rule? Human brains. Only human brains. Because it's the yellow sun situation, he can't control red sun people? That is correct. Yeah, but that's okay. That's a good pick. I like it.

That's so good. Now, if you go with Charles Xavier, do you still get Professor X in the equation? Or did you go actually go Clark Kent there? No, I will give you Clark Kent because you took Superman. Okay. All right, wow. I'm really on tilt already. Those are two really good picks.

No, no, no. Hawkeye is still available. You can grab him. Yeah. I'm going to take all of the worst. No, you know what? Look, my Avenger team needs to match my personality. Okay?

It's not good enough to just be a great team I hate. I want to be the team that I love, that the people are going to root for. And they're not rooting for anybody more than specifically robert downey jr's version of iron man okay it's funny all right it's rich yeah you know it's good because you're like one small malfunction from your heart exploding so no big deal hey it's worked it's worked long enough it's worked like 20 movies long no i'm i'm starting with Iron Man leader and he's funny. Okay, so is it back to me? So we've got our first three picks. Superman,

a wonderful Professor X. I want to say this real quick. Iron Man very technologically advanced. He's a good compliment. Yeah, there is one character, my sleeper pick, that I will be so pissed off if one of you grab because it pretty much guarantees me the

victory now I'm not going to disparage the entirety of the human race when I do this but I would rather go the direction of something beyond this world and with my second pick I'm going to head to the stars and I'm taking Thor. Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Thor is joining my roster, the Norse god of thunder. He's not as invincible as maybe a Superman, but he's pretty darn invincible. Far more handsome. And he's got a hammer. And look, he hammers in the morning. He hammers in the evening.

And he hammers all the live long day. He's not only a great superhero, he's quite the carpenter. Yeah, he's got a hammer. And I've got Superman and Thor, so I think it's over. But, Mike, your turn. All right, I'm going a little bit off the map here. Sure. Not surprised.

Well, you want to talk about someone who was forged. Because you talked about a man who's a god. He has a hammer that's forged. I'm going to go with someone who was forged. He was forged in the depths of hell. Whoa. I'm going with Spawn. Oh, wow. Wait, is that a superhero? He is. I feel like with Spawn. Oh, wow.

Wait, is that a superhero? I feel like that's a supervillain. He is an anti-hero. Yeah, that's fair. He is not a villain. He is not a bad guy. I am not selecting Thanos here and winning the entire contest in one fell swoop. Venom.

Where does Venom lie on that scale? Venom is a bad guy. guy okay in my opinion i know that they've got convenient for you they've got handsome tom hardy trying to make venom a good guy but venom's a bad guy okay but but with spawn and all of everything that he can do the the extra minions at at my disposal i don't know enough about Spawn. Tell me one thing that makes Spawn a nice member of your roster. Yeah, because so far I'm super happy with the pick.

Thank you, Mike, for being such a dummy. When you make a deal with the devil, you can... So that's what Spawn does? Yeah, Spawn was a regular guy. He ends up dying, makes a deal with the devil to be sent back. Of course, it's a deal with the devil, so he was tricked.

But he gets to do virtually everything that he wants to do. The good news here is that when we put our people head-to-head-to-head in our own movie, your team is automatically the bad guy now. You're losing. I love it. I love everything about your pick. Thank you very much. All right.

Look, I am not like you two fellas. So chauvinistic. So one gender. If you take, there was one person I was going to take here, but I figured I'm going to save this home run for pick number three. Is that how long we're doing a three-rounder? Maybe. Maybe.

I think three rounds is the right – Three rounds is probably right. Three rounds is the right round to go. Which means, I mean, you've got to – You're about to come out to your last pick here. You've got to compliment your team. I do need to compliment my team, and I'm also going to need, because of your first pick andy in superman that's a great

that's a great pick so i'm gonna go ahead and get a cousin oh and i'm taking a super girl yeah you have super girl on your dog right hey no powers that's smart that neutralizes where i know nothing of Supergirl lore. I don't either. Is it the identical lore as Superman? Is it in an alternate universe, or do they exist in the same world? No, they exist in the same universe. I believe they are cousins.

I guess that's what you just said, cousin. I'm going off of the television show here, and it was she was coming down to earth and something happened where superman was here immediately you know in his spaceship and so somehow in a a an error in time or whatever she ended up coming here at the at the age she already was huh interesting you know who was upset with my supergirl pick the most who Who's that? Pepper Potts. Because Iron Man and Supergirl over here. Oh!

They're going to have a little love affair! Oh, come on now! Oh, yeah! Come on now! Wow. Okay. Very strategic. Very smart. Oh, but my third pick, my home run that's going to win it. I feel like consistency is important on this team.

I thought about a lot of different things with this last pick. One of the things I love about a good superhero is that they can have that scene in the movie where they just own everybody with some nice music playing back behind them. I even thought about some outside-the-box picks. I thought about going Blade. Oh! I thought about going Blade. You know what I'm going to do, though?

Blade is in jail right now for IRS. I was going to say, I don't have vampires on my team, so I'm pretty safe. What I'm going to do is a little bit of a counter move. Sometimes you draft people like Jason did. He drafted a counter move to Superman. Mike, you have spent, you know, you drafted Spawn. He knows the underworld. Yes, he does.

And my team, Superman, Thor, not of this world i'm going to complete that hellboy is joining oh i loved that hellboy i feel like that's a great summon from hell to earth as an infant demon back in the 40s yeah fighting spawn is going to be his priority if you come at me which likely you won't get very close with Thor and Superman. Yeah, that's a good pick. That hellboy is finalizing my team. That's a good pick. If you want to vote for me at SpitballersPod, it's probably

a done deal, but go ahead and cast your vote. Oh, it's not a done deal because you didn't take my... You're not up yet. Oh, I know it. I'm just happy. There's only one pick left that could take... Is Bruce Willis an option? Yes. Chuck Norris? Just him.

All right, Mike, you've got your third pick, and I can tell that you're not ready to make it. You are struggling. No, no, because I had. Hellboy put him on tilt. It did. I was taking a back. Oh, that's a good pick, right?

I was not prepared that my demon was countered with his own demon. A sleeper. Yep. I'm looking at the name I wrote down. And I have two characters here and i'm just i'm so torn of i'm trying i'm having an internal monologue with it it's about the nerdiest as you can possibly get right now yeah this is definitely the nerdiest star of who would who could win in a fight between these two superheroes or at least what I am. I am calling this person a superhero because they,

they can get into a new form. That isn't called. It's called super something. Cause I'm going with, I'm going so nerdy right now. I'm taking Goku because my man is going super sand. And you look, I know that you two have no idea.

Nor does anyone listen to you. Here's actually what I know. I know, and that is super nerdy. When you look at top lists of superheroes, you see Goku on them. Because his power cannot be. He takes it over 9,000. Please don't turn off the podcast yet. My people are out there.

My Dragon Ball Z and Goku supporters are out there. This is how dadliest... If dadliest catch involved Goku, this guy is single for life. Yeah, he's not getting the mom. But here's the thing. If you don't know who Goku is, you got to do some research, and you'll realize that between Professor X, Spawn, and Goku, I cannot possibly lose. lose oh you can lose i mean you're just concerned about you just want to survive that's fine if i learned anything you don't want

to win just survive if i learned anything from the most recent deadpool movie it's that basically if you have any kind of helmet whatsoever you you uh you can outdo professor X. So Iron Man is absolutely fine. Oh, no, no, no. Only Magneto's special helmet. Oh, you think that you're telling me. Iron Man could probably figure it out. Yes, thank you. That's my point. All right, but here's the thing.

Give us your final pick. My team is going to be beloved by all. And, whew, I mean, sometimes. Aesthetically or, like, from an actual superhero standpoint mean sometimes aesthetically or like from a actual superhero standpoint definitely aesthetically but um here's the deal easy over my my team goodness will be so much fun to watch so enjoyable so talented but all three teams are talented and there's a phrase out there where sometimes it's just better to be lucky than good and i'm taking mrs luck herself domino wow that's that's a new entry oh if you have oh if you haven't seen it is the best

superhero power i've ever seen very entertaining a huge argument as to whether or not luck right can even be a superpower deadpool doesn't believe so. But goodness gracious, if everything you do is super lucky, and we had the question, tomorrow everything goes right. You want to know what I'm going to do tomorrow? I'm going to take your guys' teams on, and I'm going to trash them. It's a very good point. Superman, Thor, Hellboy, Jason, your team? I've got Iron Man, Supergirl, and the lovely Domino.

I'm so excited about my team. Go ahead, Mike. Professor X, Supergirl, and the lovely Domino. I'm so excited about my team. Go ahead, Mike. Professor X, Spawn, and Goku. All right, before we wrap it up, before we close out this episode of The Spitballers, which we hope you are still listening to after Mike brought in the mad nerd, the dad nerd. All right, here we go.

What did you gentlemen learn today on the show? Today I learned that Jason Moore received a gift of Spanx. Not only did he receive the gift, but he wore it, and I'm sure he enjoyed it far more than he's letting on. Oh, my gosh. I thought when I opened it, I was not super upset. I was like, eh. I could use it.

I could use it. Yeah, I was like, ah, I could use it. I could use it. What did you learn today, Jason? What I learned was that if you find money, you take it to a lost and found because they cannot accept it and your conscience is clear. They transfer ownership.

They are an escrow for you. They're like a notary. What about you, Andy? I learned that Jason may or may not believe that monkeys in modern day build houses in the trees and live inside of them. That's what I learned on today's show. So thank you for tuning in. Thanks for listening, subscribing.

We'll be back again next Monday with another episode of the Spitballers Podcast. Again, check us out online. See you later. Goodbye. Bye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.