Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 40: Ex-Girlfriend Tattoos and the Best TV Jingles

Episode Date: March 25, 2019

We’ve got a jam-packed episode for you today! Would you rather have your future in the hands of a fake surgeon or a fake defense attorney? Now that you are in a new relationship, what do you do about that tattoo on your back with your ex-girlfriend’s name? If you ask a waiter for a food recommendation, is it rude to pick something else? Andy, Michael, Jason are continuing to answer some of life’s most important questions. We wrap this episode with a draft that will have you randomly singing all week long - Best TV Jingles. Enjoy another hilarious episode of the Spitballers Podcast!   Connect with the show: Visit us on the web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, spit wads, when you run out of this great show and you're like, I want more shows, you can get access to our entire archive at spitballerspod.com. You can become an official spit wad of our Patreon, have access to everything we've ever made ad free at spitballerspod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. That was hanging with Mr. Cooper. I don't know what it was. Hey!

We got a show. We get paid the big bucks to come in here and talk. I would love nothing more. Important things. Right now. We take our show doc with the questions. We completely delete it. We throw it in the garbage. And we just talk about

TGIF shows. For the entire hour. Yeah, we got Mr. Cooper. Family Matters. Let's just break them down. Boy Meets World. Oh my goodness. Step by step. What was your favorite TGIF show, Jason? Was it Full House?

No, I don't think it was Full House. I got started on the TGIF a little bit later in the night. So Full House was already over when I started it up. You got started later? A little later. It was family matters. Urkel. You relate to Urkel.

Oh yeah, big time. Were you more an Urkel guy or more a Stefan guy? Oh, Stefan. Hey, come on. Wait, we can throw it out because I haven't even looked at the doc. I don't even know what we're talking about today. We're talking about family matters now.

We're just here. We're present. Welcome to the Spitballers podcast. Whatever happened to predictability? We'll play the favorite boy. Skibby dibby. You didn't remember any more words, did you? No, I don't.

We have a great show, Would You Rather Life Advice, a draft, a jingle draft. So, I mean, you sing in those songs. Yeah. I'm getting ready. The next best thing is an irreplaceable jingle. Oh, man. I'll tell you what. What do they call that, an earworm?

Yep. This morning, looking at jingles, there are so many good jingles. There are so many. The problem is- I would not want the first pick. I know. I don't want it. You guys so many. I would not want the first pick. I know. I don't want it. You guys want to trade up?

No. Oh, man. I'll give you my second round for your first. How about that? So it's going to be fun. Find us on the web, spitballerspod.com. Send us your questions on social, at spitballerspod on Instagram,

instagram.com slash spitballers pod on Facebook. We appreciate all your reviews, your subscriptions. Thank you for listening to this show. We have a lot of good stuff coming. Uh, people seem to be enjoying it and I don't have enough money to bribe as many people that have left a good review.

So I know it's real. Yeah, that's fair. That's, so I know it's real. Yeah, that's fair. That's really good work there, detective. Speaking of reviews. Review-a-saurus rags. This one comes in from Fish Sticks. No, no, read that full name.

Oh, by B-Rad. Yeah. Fish Sticks. B-Rad in the house, in the he's house. Oh, by B-Rad. Yeah. Fish stick. B-Rad in the house. In the he's house. Yes. Ear magic. Five stars. Once the oddly raspy and angelic voices of these three buffoons entered my ear holes,

I was changed forever. My four-year-old gets angry when we don't listen to Andy Michael Jason after daycare. Michael? Yep. Andy Michael Jason after daycare. Michael? Yep. Andy Michael Jason. You are forever now, Michael. He even tries to scat with the theme song. Love it.

Good luck today. You sparked an argument between us over the candy bar draft, though. One of my favorite things is when we see these reviews come in and people say they pause the show right before we do the draft and they do their own and then compare and whoever gets the most that we picked wins oh that's a good game of competition i don't mind if you yell at us that's fine i mind yeah i don't mind greatly please do not please send all shouting to and Holloway. I welcome it. This show sparks wonderful debate about candy bars and things like that. You guys ready to jump in?

Yes, sir. Yep. Would you rather. All right. Some fun would you rather questions to debate this fine morning. Would you rather have a surgery performed on you by a doctor with very little qualifications or be defended

in a murder trial by someone who's only watched a few crime shows or documentaries? This is a great conundrum here. Would you rather have a doctor that's unqualified perform surgery or

be on trial for murder by uh i by a big fan of murder she wrote so both of these end with your death the end yes well not not necessarily the death but i mean the doctor one certainly has those ramifications i think a great chance of of being deceased after the operation but if you're your lawyer's incompetent your trial it's the end because you're going you're going to jail forever but at least you're alive yeah but the thing is is so like not all surgeries are the same are you know maybe i'm getting like a mole removed surgery. Oh, that's even worse.

That's not worse than like heart. Okay, that's fair. I could be getting a lung transplant or getting a mole removed. Fair enough. I feel like it has to be at least. You're going under general. Yes, you're under. You're going under.

You're waking up. That's how serious it is. It'll be a surprise. You're thinking I'm not going under if I'm getting a mole removed? Because that would hurt. And I'm going under. You're going under. You're waking up. That's how serious it is. There'll be a surprise. You're thinking I'm not going under if I'm getting a mole removed? Because that would hurt. And I'm going under. I am the type of guy. I am not afraid.

You go under for splinters. Anything. It doesn't matter. Put me under. I'm fine with that. I don't worry about general anesthesia because I figure if that's when I go, then I won't know. And so it's fine.

What about the people who've been under, but they're not under? Oh, like fake under. Wait, that's when I go, then I won't know. And so it's fine. What about the people who've been under but they're not under? Oh, like fake under. Wait, that's what? You've never heard of that? No. Oh, there are many people who have come out of general in the middle of being opened up. What? No.

Yeah, and they're not able to even. That's not even what I'm talking about. They're not even able to communicate that they're up. And people are being worked on. There's enough anesthesia to put us into a dream state, but the pain medication is not working. So they feel the entire... You've never heard of this, Jason?

It's actually hard to talk about. It is a nightmare. It's hard to talk about. Nightmares. Jason is gone. You have lost Jason from the show. Good luck with your surgeries. Oh, my goodness.

That's why I'm awake. If I'm getting open heart, I'm awake. I'm going to be watching and judging them the whole entire time. So my parents go to a dentist office at a university, and they get cheaper dental care. Because students work on them? Because students work on them? Because students work on them with the oversight of a doctor right there.

But I won't even do that. I'd rather just not go to the dentist, which I do. I'm the master of not going to the dentist. Perfect checkups every time. I plier out my own teeth. But I won't even do that because it's too...

I need to know you know what you're doing. I need a piece of paper that says you are an authority in my... And even that doesn't always matter. You have those stories of people that go in to have surgery on one knee and they get the surgery done on the wrong knee. Wow. I mean, you imagine coming out of that and I feel like you should get to sue the doctor and slap them a thousand times a day for a year.

And you should definitely get to perform surgery on their knee. Oh, that should be the payback. That's like the eye for an eye, you know, like, all right, let's do this. All right. Yeah. Put them under. Give me a fork. Give me a fork.

But if they do the wrong knee. Hold on. If they do the wrong knee. Yeah. They have to. Of course, they have to do the right knee. on, hold on If they do the wrong knee Yeah They have to Of course they have to do the right knee Did you just get a freebie? No, because you weren't hurt

But now you have super knee No, that's not how it works It's properly repaired for the incoming injury They went in and they found nothing wrong And then closed you back up But they probably didn't They probably went to work on it They found nothing wrong

But they're still like Well, let's fix this we gotta i'll cut this and then i'll re re-put it back together i mean this opens up a whole can of worms question because have you guys heard of the placebo effect yes oh of course and so they've done extensive studies on the placebo effect and if you're listening and you don't know what I'm talking about, that's just simply like, let's say I gave Mike a pill. And I told him that it's going to make his headache go away. It's snake oil. Well, no, not really. Because if I gave you a sugar pill and I told you it was a pain medication and then your headache, and I said it's going to make your headache go away.

Studies have proven that some people get better under those situations. So they've done very extensive university studies where they take 50 people with knee issues. Oh, give them a double blind. And they perform surgery on all 50. And 25 of them, they do the surgery. And 25 of them, they just open them and close them. Wait, this is real? This is real.

So that means that these people have signed up for this. They've signed up for this study. They have to know. Of course, because this represents like a 50-50 shot at a free surgery. So they do this, and then they track those people with the knee injuries for years. people with the knee injuries for years. And the placebo effect of thinking you had the surgery done has a percentage effect on those people being fine. Okay, I got a new idea here.

When do they tell them, though, that they didn't get the surgery? In 40 years. And how stupid do you feel? You feel real dumb. But the placebo effect is real. Well, what if, before I go into this surgery i give my doctor with little qualifications a sugar pill and tell him he's and i tell him he's a great doctor look at this this is the limitless pill take the and then bradley cooper you're the best surgeon and that

placebo effect will make him a good doctor or her it's one. Here's what I, getting back to the actual question, I've seen Catch Me If You Can. I know that someone can study real hard and just pass a bar exam. It's theoretically possible. So I'm going to take the

lawyer who's not actually qualified and just hope they watch a lot of Perry Mason. I'm taking the lawyer too. You want to know why? There's not actually qualified and just hope they watch a lot of Perry Mason. I'm taking the lawyer, too. A lot of Matt Locke. You want to know why? There's not a guarantee I can go get a second surgery to fix the first, but I can sure as heck file an appeal under inappropriate counsel. That's not what it is.

Counsel. He was super inappropriate. Your Honor, I'd like to file a motion. My lawyer wears no pants. Inappropriate counsel. I'm taking the doctor because I feel like I've listened to enough true crime podcasts recently

to know the depth of the legal system. If you don't know what you're doing... He thinks he can represent you. No, I know I can't. I know I can't. That's my point is, like, the amount of work that has to go into digging and making the case and then doing everything right. And then you still lose.

You know what I mean? Like, the prosecutors, they're always going to win no matter what. That's what I found out. All right. So, Mike and I, we're going to take the inexperience. You guys are going to be in jail. We're going to take the inappropriate lawyer. No, because I'm just going to be injured.

I got Leo DiCaprio. Yeah. All right. Would you rather have baby arms or baby legs? Wow. If you have baby legs. What are the implications here? Baby legs.

Baby legs means it's hard. I'm probably not walking. No, because you're not going to be able to lift up your own. We're going to here? Baby legs. Baby legs means it's hard. I'm probably not walking. No, because you're not going to be able to lift up your own. We're going to give you toddler legs. So you can walk. Can you lift up the body weight? The rest of your body weight? Yes, you can walk.

But it's that real wobbly. Dude, I weigh 250. No, but he's saying you can do that. But you're going to be toddling everywhere. And you're really short. You're going to be the thickest, strongest toddler legs of all time. And you'll have real big arms. Well, of course, I do.

Look at these guns. So if you have baby arms, see, I'm just picturing this in my head. In neither situation am I still married. Right. I'm not picking up any. I feel like I've seen this in a movie. Wait, toddler legs? Yeah.

What? No, you're thinking of like thinking of Toy Story Where they assemble the toy together With the baby legs Do they do that? Let me just put it this way You haven't seen this That's just another way to look at it Of course you have not seen this This doesn't happen

I might just be thinking of When they put the adult face on the baby body. Sure. I feel like the Wayans brothers have a movie where they've done this. So I think that I... I mean, you're in a tough spot in either situation. Can your baby arms get that food up to your mouth? You got to lean over. You need the airplane.

Someone's got to airplane you. Excellent. Jason just figured out what he wants. You've been waiting to sit in a high chair and get airplane your food for a while. Yeah. You want to be old. I want to be king. I want those grapes fed to me while I lean back.

My baby arms cannot reach my mouth. Please grape me. I think I want to be able to walk around. Yeah, well, we've said you can walk with the baby legs if you got them. It's going to be so embarrassing. You want to go on a hike? Everybody else is taking. I'll be right there.

Hold on. I don't do hikes. Hold on. So now I'm out of hiking? This is excellent. I guess you will be out of a lot of physical activity if you have baby legs. I feel like I'm going to take the baby legs because you're really talking, would you rather have a more functional upper body or a more functional lower body?

You remember WALL-E? Yeah. Look, they did some things in that movie where it was... They were living the dream. Yeah. How often did they need to use their legs? Never. Never.

Yeah. This is great. I can eat my burgers. You could jump rope your own arms if you had baby legs. I could... What does that mean? That's a great point. That would be a parlor trick. Kind of like a chimpanzee does.

Like I put my hands together and I jump over. The only problem with that, shoulder joints. I don't think my arms can just go infinitely around me like it's on some propeller. Don't chimpanzees do that i don't yeah because but chimpanzees they can do a lot of things that we can't do but they like just hold themselves up by one arm infinitely now have you ever done the thing where they don't have shoulder joints have you ever done the the dance move where you jump through your leg oh i i know what you're talking about i know exactly what he's talking about i used to do this all the time and it's it's been so long since i've done it but i'm confident i could still do it oh you're doing this after the show

100 i'm recording and we're putting it on instagram yes okay um you hold one foot with your opposite hand right so if it's your left foot, you hold it with your hand. And everybody at home, I encourage you to try this. Most shows would say, do not try this at home. We say, you probably have to. This is a staple in the B-boy catalog. And you're standing on one leg, the other leg, and you jump, and you lift that leg up up and you go through it.

That's the closest I get to jump roping myself, which is the goal of life. I was going to say, what a quote. We figured out the closest you get to jump roping yourself. All right. By the way, I was thinking of the smash sensation Little Man by the Williams Brothers. Wait. So that's a real thing. Yeah, it's a real thing.

But he has baby arms and baby legs. Yes, he's just... And just has a grown-up head. Yeah, I believe he's a grown-up... And they got to make a movie. Yeah, they made a movie. I think he is a con man. They're trying to steal things by pretending to be a baby.

We got time for another Would You Rather? Yeah, it depends on how good it is. Would you rather have every beverage remain the optimal condition condition so soda always fizzy coffee coffee always hot hot coffee uh ice water always icy or would you rather always have the water be the perfect temperature as soon as you turn on the faucet this is not even close so that's like uh you get the shower like do you guys do that you turn the shower faucet on then you gotta go walk around for a minute yeah my shower is not too bad the worst is like what's the weight on your shower the weight on the shower. Do you guys do that? You turn the shower faucet on, then you got to go walk around for a minute? Yeah, my shower is not too bad. The worst is-

What's the wait on your shower? The wait on the shower is probably 30 seconds. Oh, that's nice. Where I have to wait is my kitchen faucet. And I do not exaggerate. Minutes. Multiple minutes- For it to get hot?

For me to get hot water to my kitchen faucet. It's freaking ridiculous. 100% the same in our house. Now, I don't get 30 seconds hot from the shower, but our kitchen faucet takes so long to get hot. Now, don't get me wrong. It will scald your skin off once it gets all the way hot. I mean, we've got that thing cranked up to like, don't go past this line. Jason was really proud of the fact that he did kind of like a home improvement thing when he figured out how to change the temperature on his water heater.

I mean, I did it. I was pretty proud of myself when I did it myself. I did it myself. And then as soon as I saw it, I was like, wait, there's just a knob? I can turn this. And I'm with Jason. There's a little thing that says, don't go above this. And you go, or do I?

See, the weird thing is my kitchen sink is closer to my water heater than my shower. So I'm imagining that when they built your house, some plumber had a real fun time doing a loop-de-loop of pipes. There is a labyrinth of pipes that leads to my kitchen faucet. It makes no sense. It's a whole marble work situation going on underneath the floor. Kitchen is downstairs near the water heater.

Water line goes up through the attic in the second story. Yeah, it's a triple loop before he gets back to the... Look, that's annoying. But I'd rather wait for my water and have perfect beverages for the rest of my life. Not this guy. You want instant water. I want instant water for sure. Because there's just more time that I get to stand in a shower longer.

I take long showers. You do. I do. Which means that the time investment of warming it up should be lower. What are you talking about? You warm up the shower. Yeah. You take the poo.

Yes, that is always step. You come back and the shower is perfection. Yeah. No, that's true. I do that. But the thing is, when's like when this question says... Everyone does that move. When this question says

that the optimal condition of your soda, your coffee's always hot, I don't... I like coffee after it's been sitting a while. I've got an important question. I've got a really important question. I don't want it to be too hot. I need to pivot back to the poo.

Okay. Unfortunately. Heard that before. But if you do... If you turn the water on, I need to pivot back to the poo. Okay. Unfortunately. Heard that before. But if you do, if you do, if you turn the water on, then you go to the restroom. Yeah. Are you as attentive to your wiping situation? Knowing you're going to get. There's a backup plan here.

You're going to get into the shower. Are you as attentive? Or do you go the ultimate no wiper oh no come on well that you can only do that if you got one of those faucets that's got the the handle the two oh right yeah the the handheld the handheld shower that i'm just asking the question it's a legit question this is what we try question. This is the deep dive on the human condition. How far has our society gone? I can tell you honestly. I go rage. Rage.

You do not hit the moment where you're like, I need one more. Well, no, I don't need one more wipe. So, all right. Peeling back the curtain. I'm like 70% here. Peeling back the curtain here. Oh, no. Yes.

What have you done? Probably a shower curtain. Look into my life. So I have recently got an Omego. It's a bidet. It's a bidet. It's a real fancy bidet. Yeah, a little bidet toilet seat.

Parents, explain to your kids what a bidet is. Yeah. They are great. Look, as Americans, we need to embrace the bidet lifestyle yes it's fantastic it took me forever to talk jason into it you know who doesn't want that life who you know who's lobbying against it sherman oh well of course big paper yeah big big butt wipes is really a big butt is against no so i've got i've got the toilet that will wash your booty, right? But the truth is, sometimes you got to go two rounds.

Oh, two rounds on it? What is it? Do you go through a whole cycle? Yeah, it's got a whole cycle. It might as well. It's got a cycle. You sit on the warm seat. Clean bottom. Yum.

Ooh, let me write that down. Oh, no. The yum at the end of... For the jingles. You don't throw yum in, man. That's just for by-minute. And that's not even a yum either, is it? There's no yum.

Clean bottom yum? No. Clean bottom... No. Yum. No. That's not a long enough cycle. You need like a full MIDI file.

The whole point here is that when I am doing this prior to a shower, I give it one cycle. And then you go into the shower. And I know it's good enough because I'm going to shower anyways. Oh, gosh. Well, I'm sorry. Hey, Al Borland, can I ask you a question? Sure. You're the man of the room.

Yes, he's a man's man. If you put one of those instant water heaters in, like the tankless know the ones? Tankless. A tankless? Is that instant hot water? Yes. It's instant hot water from... Like anywhere in the house, right? No. No. I mean, it still has to get through your pipes. Oh, okay. Don't be an idiot. I mean, that makes sense. You have to put one upstairs. Does it do the same thing, then, the exact

same length of the run? Like, would it be faster? No. To do a tankless? But if you put a tank... Than a tank water heater in tires getting the water to the shower i don't believe so i think it's just about efficiency okay that's why you got to put a tankless water heater in the kitchen faucet i have yeah right like under the sink i hope it's on the countertop i right there i don't worry about how i would live with it if i got instant hot water i've wanted a tankless water heater that sucks for the kitchen that's like that is that's coming that's that's a more household

future item is a tankless water heater because we've got you know we'll have a night's winter we got three kids i don't need a shower i'm saying there's an edgar allen pose christmas you and he's a scroo? And we got multiple kids showering. We run out of hot water. I hear your chains in the night's winter. Once the night's winter, a tankless heater I had. The point. You grab your pajama hat.

Check it out. Here is that. I don't even remember what I was saying. You want a tankless water heater. That's your whole story. That's why we're hijacking it. Yes. I really want one.

I do, but I'm worried that my 30-minute showers will turn into like three-hour showers. I can't run out of hot water. Oh, gosh. Well, whatever, man. That story went from you being very green and eco-friendly to the opposite. That's true. Draining the water supply. Now, in fairness, who are you, fishes?

Spitballers to the rescue. On a night, Swinta. All right, some life advice since we're so good at that. All right, let's go with Steven from the website. If I'm at a restaurant and I ask the server for their recommendation, am I now obligated to pick from one of their recommendations? My wife thinks it's very rude to ask for them and then end up ordering something else.

I don't see why it's a big deal. Who is right? Help. This is a real thing for sure because I have said no. And this is separate than asking what are the specials. Right. Because you were saying, what do you recommend? What's the best thing here?

What's really good? And then they say something really stupid like, oh, I love the salmon. You've got to get it. And then I'm like, uh. I hate your choices really and I'm very non-confrontational I don't know if we've talked about that on this show

so like I don't like you know it's like when they say it's this or that like these are the best items and I hate both of what they say I feel obligated to pick one of those like the lesser of two evils, I'm going to pick one and ruin my favorite

part of the day, which is eating. So you just take it. This is just a deep dive into his psyche. I found out the other day at dinner with Jason that he is so anti-confrontational that he doesn't even feel comfortable returning items

to a regular store for regular reasons. I hate it. I can't do it. Let's say you bought a shirt at Target. You bought a shirt. You didn't wear it. It's got the tag on it.

You go back to Target and you say, oh, I'd like to return this shirt the next day. That's not fair. That's not a confrontation. That's lazy. No, it's not a laziness thing. Because you walk up and they go, how can I help you?

I'd like to return this shirt. I feel bad. Absolutely. At a desk called returns. Technically customer service. You don't return? No, I don't return. I don't ever...

You can talk to my wife. If there is a return needed and she's running a million errands and I've got nothing to do all day and she's like, can you take this back? I'm like, I don't do returns. That's not something I'm capable of doing. I don't know. I used to, back in the olden times, I was a manager of a best buy. Back in the nice winter. Back in the nice winter. Back in the nice winter.

A few nice winters ago. You know, I was a manager of a Best Buy. And so I know, like, you don't want to ever get returns. Like, that's a bad thing to them. That's lost money. And so, like, I feel bad. I just feel like,

oh, they don't want me to do this. And if they don't want me, it's no different than the waiter. Like, if someone doesn't want me to do this, I they don't want it's no different than the waiter like if someone doesn't want me to do this i don't want to make them unhappy i've got a good bit for our socials andy okay oh no we got to make jason do one of these take it to the limit costco returns oh can't no uh-uh where where people will buy like so then people at-month laptop is what you're talking about? People will buy like candy bars, eat through 75% of it, go to Costco and say, I'd like to return this. My nose would start bleeding like 11 from Stranger Things.

I would just in line just immediately just start shaking. I don't doubt that I would bring down the Costco with my powers. I feel like he also has to wear one of those, like, disguise glasses and mustaches while he does it. I feel like you would be so embarrassed, and you would act guilty, and you'd be sweating profusely. It's so crazy because I have- It would be the first return they'd ever deny because this guy's too shifty.

He's so shady. Here's what's so weird is, like, I don't have shame. No, you don't. I could go into, if you told me I've got to wear a Speedo and walk around this Costco making ape noises and doing cartwheels, I'd be like, all right, let's do it. But when it comes to just a simple- But now you've got to return this pack of gum.

I can't do it. Would you give a profuse long apology for the smallest thing like look i am so terribly sorry i know what this means to you i wish i could do something else honestly it's hard to speak in those situations the few returns i've done i say almost nothing he wears a scarlet letter it's shame it's r i want a hat for return i want a hat that's low i want my head is looking my face is towards the floor and i am shamefully he bribes them to take the return here's 50 i'm sorry about this i want to pay in full i want to pay full you're you're a weird guy ace uh what was the advice we were supposed to give uh yes definitely

eat whatever they recommend waiter recommendations and no you can absolutely 100 say no it it's really awkward and you just kind of laugh it off i do i'll take the cheeseburger i do find it entertaining when the when the waiter or waitress they they make a recommendation and then based on your response continue to make more recommendations. They're like, oh, I really like the pizza. And then they see your face and they're like, ah. The soup is good. The steak is very popular

as well. And if you look like vegetarian options, then I mean, that's the perfect doubt. Diet restrictions. If they recommend something to vegetarian options then uh i mean that's that's the perfect that's the perfect doubt diet restrictions if they recommend something to the to fish like oh no i'm allergic to shellfish and things of the ocean i don't want it sir salmon is not shellfish i have a i have a gluten allergy sir salmon is more of a regular fish i'm a vegetarian ah there you go hey you can get

there so we were at dinner the other day mike and let me ask you about this the waitress who was not the best uh repeatedly everything that we ordered she would make a joke about eating it she wants to eat it she wanted to eat it so what no if. So if she brought the appetizer pretzels, it's, oh, I got to get some of those. I want one of those. Oh, I'm so hungry for that. Did she throw in a nom, nom, nom at the end? I think there was. Oh, that looks good.

Nom, nom, nom. And then the main meals. I love that. I want that. Oh, if you leave that, I will eat it. I'm going to go get that for myself in the back. I'm going to go get that right now. Were you guys at a TGI Fridays?

Was there a lot of flair going on on these outfits? There was the dessert. She was a big fan. She's going to eat that too. It got to the point where I was just wondering, how inappropriate can you get with wanting to eat the food of your guests? That would be a very awkward situation. It was the worst service I've had in a really long time.

Well, what made it less awkward was we rarely saw her. Yeah. I got my own. I got us all silverware. I got us all the napkins. After the food came and we didn't have silverware. Maybe this lady was starving. Oh, I didn't think of that.

She didn't look very awkward. Maybe she needed nutrition in her life. Maybe. She was reaching out. We didn't learn anything from last episode where we were supposed to feed her. All right. One more question here for life advice since that was helpful. This is asking for a friend from the website.

So we're helping somebody here. I have a friend that has been dating a girl for a while now things are going really well oh congratulations he's been very transparent with everything this is a you know his friend except for one small thing there's a tattoo of his ex-girlfriend's name on his back yes how should my friend bring this up to her so uh at some point you're going to have to tell this girl that you have a tattoo of your ex-girlfriend's name on your back how do you start that conversation how does that go mike it's not even a converse you gotta go cover it up man you either cover it up

or you have a sister now I was gonna recommend and her name is Beth and her name is on your back you're very close yeah that's weird why is your sister's name on your back yeah that's kinda weird that's easy because she tragically passed

oh I would just add a date. Just add a year on a date. Oh, man. Just add a date. Just add a date and you've got a mystery dead sister for years. That is awesome. Because then the fact that it's your sister's name and your sister's dead, she'll never

ask about it. She'll never bring it up around family because it would be sensitive. That is so sweet of you. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. We just flipped the script. You did that for her? And one day you're walking around in a tank top and your ex-girlfriend actually walks

by and wonders why you put her death date on your back. You just put whatever date the breakup was. Oh, yeah. Boom. Double purpose. That's the date. The breakup date is the date your sister died. This is the worst your sister died.

This is the worst life advice ever. Hopefully this life advice was not like, oh, we broke up two weeks ago. Oh, my gosh. Oh, no, this is. Very recent. Please don't bring it up around me or my family ever again. Does the tattoo still hurt? Oh, my gosh. Yeah, no, Mike, you really helped someone here.

Thank you. I was going to say you're welcome dog but definitely having a it's my dog beth oh that's another solution i mean i i think the dog is probably a safer way to go the thing is is if you got the dog's name on your back your girlfriend at some point in time she's gonna ask for her name because if you're going all the way to the dog, she's going to want her name on there. You've already solved the problem one time, so you'll be able to solve it again. Go put it on! Just keep getting a list of names on the back.

That's the second sister that passed. Alright. And then 30 years from now, you have so many pets. You just gotta... You just look like you have... I thought you were going to say so many dead sisters. One of the two. It got morbid. The Spitballers

Draft. Alright, today's mock draft is a great one. It's Best Commercial Jingles. Alright? The Best Commercial Jingles. Look, best is subjective. It could be the most enjoyable jingle. It could be the most memorable jingle. It could be the most Like the most enjoyable jingle It could be the most memorable jingle

It could be the most annoying jingle That lasted forever Right, we said earworm That just gets stuck in your head Around the studio here We play some shuffleboard And we like to play up our teams And our team names

And Mike and Al Borland have a team, and they play a song, and it just gets stuck in your head forever. Oh, it's the worst. It's the worst. It's the worst because it's the best because it's the worst because it's the best. Exactly, because what will happen is they will, by magic and witchcraft, have won a game against Andy and I. Sure.

And then I'm sitting in, and so they play their stupid song, and I'm sitting in the office. I'm going to take you for a ride. And then that's the problem. It's hooked in my head, and I'll be sitting there, and I'll go, I'm going to take you for a ride. Oh, no. There are hundreds of jingles out there. Now, they're not all good. There are some that are so annoying.

Yes, but that could be... Look, you could say best and be thinking about it in terms of for the company. Sure. Because if it's an annoying jingle, but it lasts 10 years and it's in your head, I mean, that could be defined as best. So we're going to leave the best vote up to the Spitwatch, to the listeners, and we're going to just draft four jingles each and go head-to-head on the vote. I'm outlawing.

Mike has the first pick. I'm outlawing the worst one, though. It's a recent edition. You're outlawing. I'm outlawing one. Okay. I know what it is. Yeah, you know what it is.

Because it's a recent. I'm going to take you for a ride. That would be the 101. It's a recent edition. And when I heard it, I think for the first time like six months ago on the radio, I went, what in the heck was that? And it's the new Liberty Insurance jingle. What is it?

Liberty, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty. That's the jingle. They just get to say their name over and over again. They say it four times. That's what you were singing before the show started, though. Right, because it is catchy, but here's the thing. It's not good for business, because I recommend, if you are with Liberty, to switch. McDonald's, McDonald's singing before the show started, though. Right, because it is catchy, but here's the thing. It's not good for business because I recommend, if you are with Liberty,

McDonald's, McDonald's, McDonald's, McDonald's. I feel like if you sang that into a mirror, the boogeyman would show up. The Liberty? Yeah. Ronald McDonald. Red rum, red rum, red rum. Alright, so Mike has the first pick in the draft.

Al Borland, you're going to keep track. Put it up on Twitter. I am not a fan of having the first pick in the draft. Al Borland, you're going to keep track, put it up on Twitter. I am not a fan of having the first pick in this draft. There are three that I want to take here. I have no idea, no clue which one would get back. So I'm just going to take the one that I think is the most fun because it won't come back. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back. Chili's baby back ribs.

Barbecue sauce. Thank you. That's good. That's good. It's fun. I like that. Do they still do that? No.

No. Because they're dumb. Because that was a lot of my, like, the 90s. There was an era of that, and it was great. I think they've brought it back for a commercial here and there. Every once in a while, they do. Yeah, it is on my list. On Unlimited Ribs Tuesday or whatever.

It is last on my list. So it would have gotten back to you. Oh, it was on there? Yeah, it's at the very bottom. And I actually thought when you said, I'm going fun, and I don't think it'll come back. You know, I thought you were going with what I'm going with. Oh, there are so many great ones. Yeah, that's the problem.

So many great ones. This is like the TV themes. There's so many good ones. All right, Jason, what are you going with? I'm so happy I have two picks in a row. I know. You're in the best spot. Although, I mean, goodness, they're all great.

Give me a break. Give me a break. Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar. Give me a break. It's on my list. Yeah, that's a great one. It's a good one. Kit Kat.

All right. All right. Man. Now you have to choose two here, Andy. So, man. All right. Come on, Andy. Well, look.

Yeah, I know. I know. I'm never slow on these, but Give Me a Break Come on, Andy. Well, look. Yeah, I know, I know. I'm never slow on these, but Give Me a Break was on my list. And I'm having a hard time because some things are not jingles, right? Some things are. If it has any sort of quick music signature, that's a jingle. So if I wanted to do. If you throw it out there, it's probably your pick.

Just understand that. All right. Okay. I'll go with... A lot of hymning and hawing over there. My baloney has a first name. Okay. Yeah.

That's about your era. Yeah. So the Oscar Mayer song. I'll go with that one. Well, you got to give the people the song. I don't know how to spell baloney. My baloney has a first name. No.

You don't even know the song. Oh, it's O-S-C-A-R. My baloney has a first name. It's B-O-L-G-N-A-N-G-A That's the song. That was their catchy jingle. My baloney has a first name. It's the song. That was their catchy jingle. My baloney has a first name.

It's baloney. It's baloney. Andy is gone. Andy is no longer with us. My baloney has a first name. It's B-O-L-O-N-G-N-A. O-S-C-A-R. I got there in a minute.

Oh, man. I was panicking because I had all these like. Goodness. All right. Wow, that's horrible. I'll go with Juicy Fruit on the second one. Oh, yes. It's going to move you.

The taste is going to move you. Oh, B-O-L-O-G-N-A. I already losta I already lost yeah you don't deserve oh man which is funny because I got here and I'll be honest with you what happened I had a short list

one of them was the one you picked Kit Kat and then I started like thinking about other ones but they weren't they were slogans they weren't jingles. Like what? Like, just do it. Oh, sure.

That's not a song. Well, hey, Al Borland, make a slogans future draft. There you go. So I'm going to go with Oscar Mayer. Now, my problem with this. First name Oscar, last name Mayer, middle name B-O-L-O-G-N-A. Now, the only problem I have with that, because that's obviously a classic,

I'm not sure it's their own best jingle. That was my problem as well. Right? Because I've got an Oscar Meyer down. I wish I was an Oscar Meyer wiener. And so I'm not going to take that because you took Oscar Mayer.

I've got to cross that off my list. But I just wanted to tear down your pick. Oh, that could not have gone worse for me. As much as I could. So now I'm sitting here. Oh, I know the one I want. So if you bypass, I at least have one immediate pick. I'll be so happy.

I know the one I'm going with because there are certain things in life that are gone. Right. And you just can't get it anymore. A lot of these jingles, right? Yeah. They're not around anymore. Well, this jingle's not around anymore, but because of a devastating reality that the company is not around.

I almost went with that. What? I almost went with that anymore i almost went with that and the truth is i don't want to grow up yeah i'm a toys r us kid i mean you know it's like toys r us is so this last christmas season i almost picked that one i really did that was real close this last christmas season with One with Juicy Fruit. When Toys R Us didn't exist, it was like, where do I go? What do I do? What do you mean, where do you go?

You know where you go because that's why they're out of business. Yeah. They come to me. Amazon just comes to me. I wish I were shopping in my undies. I'm really sad that Toys R Us is gone. Sitting at home, getting deals. It's not always better. It's not always better.

It's not always better. No, it's not. I like walking down the aisles. Look, as stupid as it is, look, we all love on-demand video, right? But there was something fun about going to Blockbuster and walking around to pick a movie. It made it more of an event. Now it's like, bought it, watched it, go to bed. They should have left a few toys r us stores

like as museums exactly yeah they just uh all right you're you're up mike you got two picks i'm so glad you didn't pick the one because i was going to take this my first pick but it's i'm loving it thank you not only is not is that jingle freaking amazing, it's still current. It's happening. The kids love it. At least according to the commercials. So I kept seeing the I'm loving it in different lists. And I'm like, okay, but I don't remember that being a jingle.

So the jingle part is just the ba-da-ba-ba-ba. Okay. And it gets me the Justin Timberlake vote as well. So thank you. Because he wrote that, by the way. Oh, I didn't know that. Now the second pick is... Incredible work, JT.

Oh, he's... Everything he does is incredible. The second pick is a lot harder because there are a few that I could go with. The nostalgia. The... My baloney has a first name. It's B-O-L-O-G-E-N-A. The better Oscar Mayer song is still on the board.

Don't forget. No, I don't think it's the better one. Not that it's the more memorable one. Go with your heart. Go with the regional. Go with the local jingle. Go with trucks only. Trucks only.

Load up with the best. I mean, if you are in the southwest region and my maybe just the phoenix area i don't know where it is i don't know but trucks only is the best jingle of all time it's literally just trucks only oh all right you're still on the clock yeah you are okay i am going to go i should have had my head around my picks. I got ones that I want to drop through to me now. I'm trying. But the problem is you got in my head with what is the best.

Please go with Every Kiss Begins With K. Every kiss begins with K. Which is true. Is not on my list. Because your kiss is on my list. right i'm gonna get a little bit uh this one is it's nostalgic he will hijack all of his drafts yes always always i'm gonna go with the the nostalgic and when you were a kid this was around, this jingle is not really around anymore that I know of. But when you're a kid, you had to take your vitamins.

And we are Flintstone kids. Oh, wow. Ten billion strong. I don't remember. Wow. Flintstone. Start it over. Start it over.

I want to remember it. We are Flintstone kids. Nope. Wow. I don't remember. I do remember it. I do remember it. What about you? kids. Nope. Wow. I don't remember that. I do remember it. You do? I do remember it.

What about you? Borland's shaking his head yes. Yeah, I remember it. I can't believe you don't remember that one. Well, they were Flintstone kids. Yeah, apparently. All right, so what's your team right now, Mike, before Jason makes his pick? I have Chili's Baby Back Ribs, McDonald's, Lovin' It, and Flintstone Kids, which a fun

trivia fact about Flintstone Kids. The guy who wrote that. Justin Timberlake. No. He also wrote all the music for Halo. Huh. What? The video game?

Yes. That's interesting. Wow. That's a trivia fact. All right. Multi-talented. For the multivitamins. I guess that makes sense.

All right, Jason, what do you have so far? Right now I have Toys R Us, I Don't Want to Grow Up, and I've got to break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar. Yeah, that's good. Do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do. Now, so here, I'm with Mike on this, right? Like, do you go with funny ones?

Do you go with... You can't overthink it. You've got to go with your gut. Skinny kids. Do you go with the most famous you go with can't overthink it you gotta go with your gut you go with the most famous most memorable ones like there's one that is just you know so famous but so boring i think i'll just leave that one for andy you know yep so i want something a little bit more fun Ah, this, this, this draft is very difficult. It is. I'm, uh, I've, I've really right now I'm standing on the peak of a mountain and one direction is where I want to go. And that's to no votes ville.

And the other direction goes to a lot of votes. Well, you know what? I bet you should pick one. All right. It's all fun and games when you're not on the clock. I know. I want to say all of the things that are in my head right now. Do you want the respect of the people or the vote of the people?

I want to say that. You know what? I'm going to leave. I'm not doing this one. I'm pivoting. I'm going to say it afterwards because nobody's going to draft it, but it is a great, awful, annoying jingle. It's on my list.

I guarantee it. You think so? Yeah. All right. I'm going to write this down just so we can come back. I already see what you're writing, and yes, it's on my list. And I almost took it. Don't tell me.

Just go on. Okay. I'm going to go with it costs $5. Yeah. It's on my list. And you're going to get a foot long. Five. $5. $5. Yeah, it's on my list. And you're going to get a footlong. Five. $5.

$5 footlong. Innie, innie, innie. There you go. Yeah, it's a good one. All right, so what do you have now? You have Kit Kat, $5 footlong, and Toys R Us. Toys R Us. All right, I got to make my final two picks.

I have my baloney has a first name, and then I have the Juicy Fruit song. It's going to move you. And I'm going to go with this one. The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup. That was literally the one that I said. It's the most memorable. It's classic, but it's boring. I'm going to let Andy grab that. Oh, come on now. That's a great. It is. It's classic, but it's boring. I'm going to let Andy grab it.

Oh, come on now. That's a great. It is. It's a good jingle. Great jingle. It is. That has lasted forever. Terrible coffee.

Great jingle. And then my final one, I'm going to harken back to the youth. Crossfire. Oh, yeah. It's on my list. You got to be the crossfire. Wow. I'm going crossfire. It's not on my list. You got up in the crossfire. Wow. I'm going crossfire.

It's not on my list. Yeah. It was on my list. Give me that crossfire. Give me that hand cramp in 10 minutes or less. I hadn't even thought of the toy jingles. Oh, yeah. Well, the reason I didn't take crossfire.

Like my buddy. Oh, my buddy and me. You brought that up last week. I know, but I'm now being reminded of it. Yeah, of all the toys. We've really gone mostly food and drink jingles. I've jumped in. Yeah, all right.

I had one that I left off. I'm done. You're done. What is your list? I have Crossfire. I have Folgers. I have Oscar Mayer. And I have Juicy Fruit.

The taste is gonna move ya. That's a good one. I mean, that's really good. Na, na, na, na, na. With a stick of juicy fruit. The hard part for Juicy Fruit will be the demo of people who are voting. Because that thing is, that's old. Taste is gonna move ya. You are not getting the young people vote.

The people that will vote on Crossfire will vote for Juicy Fruit. Oh, yeah. I mean, you're just doubling down on us old folks. Yeah, well. Jason is him in a haunt. You've got your Yankees. I didn't go McDonald's. I thought about it, but I was afraid.

You're afraid of McDonald's. I was afraid of going. It's great. I'm loving it it's great yeah it's a good thing yeah all right a lot of good ones here still a ton left i'm shocked that uh there's i mean there's a just a classic an oldie old old one goodie oldie but goodie i am shocked that andy didn't take it uh i think I'm going to go for the votes with it. Nice. And leave out all these other fun ones on my list.

I'm going to go with Plop Plop. Oh. Fizz Fizz. Really? Oh, what a relief it is. Okay. All right. That's Alka-Seltzer.

Yeah. Just remembered. Yeah, I mean, that's one that, like, I'm pretty sure that is old. That is the oldest pick of the draft. I feel so good right now. Hold on. Sing it. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.

Oh, what a relief it is. Are we saying this isn't a jingle? No, no, no. It's 100% a jingle, but what is the melody line of said jingle? Yeah, I don't remember it. I know the words, but how does the music actually go? Look, you think any of us were alive to see the actual... No, so why are you picking that one?

I mean, it's too late. That's your final answer. You're locked in. Oh, see, I still think it's going to give me the votes. Andy doesn't think so. Al Borland, can we get a ruling on Alka-Seltzer? I've never heard that before in my life. Really?

What are you playing it over the laptop? Get out of here with that. All right. I'm on the board. I got to close it out. I have, of course, quite a few that I want to pick. We'll have to mention the one that we wanted to say that we didn't say after you're done. Oh, of course. Of course.

Because there's so many good ones. Yes. Dang it, man. The problem with the draft pick is as soon as you go to pick, that little bit of doubt starts creeping in saying, no, no, no, you need to take that little bit of doubt starts creeping in saying you no no you need to take that other choice but i got do you need cash now do you cash now mike i got a number for you dang it man all right guys what are you gonna pick hot pocket oh wow that's a that's gonna get some votes yeah that's

gonna get some votes all right now luckily jim gaffigan keeps that in the limelight yes you what are you here for uh so i got baby back ribs mcdonald's loving it flintstone kids and hot pocket i think it's gonna be a close vote yeah it should be a close vote Baby Beck ribs McDonald's loving it Flintstone kids And Hot Pocket I think it's going to be a close vote Yeah it should be a close vote Mentos was the one I almost did Mentos is great I couldn't remember

Mentos freshness Mentos freshness Oh that's a great one The fresh maker Mentos freshness I'm full of life Mentos So the annoying song

Oh the annoying one is Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow freaking mouth meow mix meow fucking nightmare it's so good they invented the mute button for that let's see other ones that were on my list um what would you do yeah i was oh that's a great one so with that last pick i was legitimately torn between hot pocket Klondike. Oh, that's a great one. So with that last pick, I was legitimately torn between Hot Pocket, Klondike Bar, and- I can guess your third. Oh, can you? Let me get-

Go ahead. Don't you wanna? Wanna Fanta? No, that's not even on my list. Don't you wanna? Wanna Fanta? That's with Malmix level, where I just want to die when I hear that. No, but it was, I'm a big kid now.

Huggies right yeah yeah but i already had flintstone kids so i figure i gotta get that hot pocket oh nobody took jg wentworth unbelievable yeah well screw that guy yeah all right what did you guys learn on the show today uh i learned that two things andy cannot spell baloney. Yeah. And that Jason sleeps in a nightgown for his night's winter. Yes. I learned that adding a date to the name on your tattoo will save you from all sorts of embarrassment and questions you don't want to answer. Do you know what the first name of a horse is?

A horse is a horse, of course. It's horse. H-O-R-S- Do you know what the first name of a horse is? A horse is a horse of course. It's horse. H-O-R-S-E. That's the first name. I learned that baloney has a first name. I got you. And it's baloney. I got you. Thanks for tuning in. Vote for me. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to Check out SpitballersPod.com Don't forget Spitwads If you want to help support this show And get access to the entire archive, you can go to SpitballersPod.com and click Become a Spitwad. We appreciate your support, and you'll appreciate all the episodes.