Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 41: Andy’s Toilet Troubles and the Perfect SNL Cast

Episode Date: April 1, 2019

This week, Andy had to seek out some ‘Life Advice’ of his own after a series of unfortunate events took place in the bathroom. The boys also discuss what to do when you realize you didn’t pay for an item you got from the store, what kind of headphones to wear if you don’t want people to talk to you, and what the repercussions are if other people don’t hear your words until 10 seconds after you say them. We wrap this funny episode by drafting the perfect SNL cast.   Connect with the show: Visit us on the web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Squeed up, boop, and Jason. Shazam! Not a sponsor. Well, my Shazam only had one Z. Ah, okay.

So now it's not even the same word. Is that because there's a movie coming out? Yeah. Way to date the show, Mike. Way to date the show. I didn't. I did. Yes.

But that, in my... Well, it could have been the Shaq version. That could have the show. I didn't. I did. Yes. But that in my... Well, it could have been the Shaq version. That could have been recorded during the Shaquille O'Neal... That's Kazam. Oh, that's right. Is it? I... Is it really?

No, wait. You're doing this? 100% I thought this was a remake of the Shaq movie. No. Wait a minute. I am Kazam. That is hilarious because my friend... We were just making this joke about how is

Shazam not the remake of the Shaq movie. But it's not. So he was not Shazam. No, he was Kazam. And Shazam. Shazam the world. Shazam the world is a DC character who apparently used to be named Captain Marvel until Marvel said, no, we own that.

You cannot use that. So now he's Shazam. All right. Or maybe that's just the magic word. I don't know. It's DC. Who cares? Part of being a superhero is being taken seriously.

And if your name is Shazam, you're good luck. I mean, that's just trouble to begin with. To be fair, here comes floofy. Look. I mean, that's just trouble to begin with. To be fair, here comes Floofy. It's a kid, and then he just has a magic word that turns him into the big superhero. Is the word Shazam?

Yeah. Spoiler! I haven't seen it. You haven't seen the commercials? I have. I am Shazam! No, of course he hasn't. He thought it was Shaq. Have you seen the Shack movie?

No, I haven't, but it's on my daily to-do list. You've never seen Kazam? I have never seen it. Is it fantastic? It looks fantastic. Probably fantastic. I don't want to spoil a single moment of that movie for you. I do remember because...

Please go rent. I know Mike has watched it in the last five years. Kazam? Yes. Because I remember you watching it i remember you saying it came on tv and you just watched through the whole thing i don't know if it was in the last five years or not but i remember being around you when that happened it's and you committed to the whole duration it's an american classic that's not true there it goes citizen kane right behind

citizen kane is kazam yeah not to be confused with Shazam. Followed by Steel, Shaq's other movie. Which was also a superhero? Yes. Okay. For real? On today's show. How do you not know about these things?

I don't know. I mean, I know blue chips, right? Yes. Penny Hardaway was in that. Yeah. In Shaq's defense. Shaq was a superhero. When you were over seven feet tall and over 7,000 pounds, you're going to be typecast

a little bit. What a terrible way to be. Like, oh, I'm typecast. As the strongest person of all time. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Today we have some life advice.

Boo-boo, that was me. Yeah. We have some life advice on the show. See, I wonder if the fledgling actors in hollywood get real mad about those actors that complain about being typecast because they just want to be cast cast right they just want to be cast at all they don't want to be they don't care oh you poor baby you always have to play a cowboy you always got to play somebody with a mustache because you have a mustache if only i could shave all right life advice would. Because you have a mustache. If only I could shave.

All right. Life advice. Would you rather? We have a great draft on the show today. It's SNL related. Saturday Night Live for the noobs out there. Did you just clarify SNL? Yes.

Cool. Cool. At SpitballersPod on Twitter if you want to send in questions. If you want to send in would you rather situations some uh we're going to cover quite a few very interesting topics today spitballerspod.com is the website you can follow us on instagram on facebook and we appreciate your reviews so much i got there on time to read it that's their screen name no their screen name is taryn i'm saying that i'm very proud of him is taryn rampage

oh it is taryn rampage and the title is seizure five stars what i was listening to the podcast while waiting to pick up my kindergartner from school and was laughing so hard, another parent came over to ask if I was okay because my fists in laughter led them to believe that I was having a seizure. This is not real. After hearing clean bottom, yum, my kindergartner found it equally as funny which means we all have the maturity of a six-year-old that is true listeners beware the spitballers pod may cause laughter induced seizures i do believe that this show is the proper pendulum swing for those of you in true crime podcasts like when you when you are we are the lemon sorbet yeah when you're knee deep into some heavy topics on the very compelling true crime

world sometimes you need clean bottom yum need a good poop joke yeah and we will have more on the show today. That is my promise to you. Spitmallers to the rescue. Okay. Speaking of necessary life advice and the demand for more poop. Well, that's timely. Yeah, that is incredibly timely, Andy. We have got to bring up. There's not an 85% chance that poop is timely on this show. Right.

It just so happens. The key to poop is being timely in general. You want to be timely. That's a great point. Here's what's incredible. Sponsored by Total. The story that is about to come. Andy, how was your week?

Did you have anything happen this week? So what Jason is bringing up is a situation where I came into the office and I asked for life advice. Or I guess I pulled the audience to see what they would have done in my situation. It was a situation room, really. It was all of these. It was a would you rather. It was life advice.

Here was the unfortunate situation I found myself in. Get ready. the unfortunate situation i found myself in um get ready so i was um look i was enjoying uh a morning movement uh i was in the restroom i was pre or post coffee post set it up post coffee okay how was your dinner the night before fibrous uh in choice. Heavy in protein? It was all being removed. So I was... Look, everyone had left. I guess my wife had just gotten back from dropping

off the kids because she was part of the story, unfortunately. And so I'm just sitting there, reading some materials. A long time ago, for Christmas, we got this white elephant gift and somebody gave us a uh a book for the bathroom that's like this joke gag gift and you're supposed to like log your log log your log and so like a guest can literally take the book and like write down

and it's funny it's like a book with pages that say things like, you know, what is the cleanliness of the restroom? Rate it one to 10. It has all these little questions in there for your movement. Side question. Yeah. Where was this located? It was located in a little magazine rack we have in the bathroom. So next to the toilet.

Directly next to it. I'm just trying to figure out the protocol of when you fill this. It's called the guest book. And it's funny because some people have taken advantage of it when they've been at our house, and then you find kind of comedic writings. Sure. We'll just throw away the fact that it's a little gross to me

because people, while they're going to the bathroom, are also touching the guest book. That was my question of the protocol. I am writing down right now, need to avoid the guest book at Andy's house. It's got to be next to the sink. Well, look. But then it's taking up counter space.

You've never used a magazine in a bathroom? People pick up the magazines. That's true. But you pick up the magazines before. Before the hands are still clean. Really? Well, yeah. I guess you're not reading after.

Yeah. But you're reading during. Anyways. All right. Continue. There's a normal sized black marker that comes attached with the guest book because you need it to to enter of course to enter your log in the enter the log book so i decide i'm gonna write you know i'm

gonna be a funny mr funny pants i'm going the bathroom. It's not a good situation down below, but that's what the bathroom's for. We've all been there. Yes. I don't need to disclaim that. It's a bad bowl. You were in the bathroom. It's a bad bowl. Doing bathroom things.

Bad bowl. Hashtag. And lo and behold, I made a little mistake, and I slipped, and I dropped the pin, and it just dropped directly into the bowl. And it is not a good bowl. It's a bad bowl. It's a bad bowl. It's a bad bowl. So now, problem-solving man that I am.

Wait, can you see the marker? That's the most important. You can't see the marker. Cannot see the marker. The marker is gone. It's gone. It's there. The marker's there, but it is not there.

When I say bad bull, I mean on a scale of 1 to 100, 100 being the worst bull and 1 being a clean bull, it's a 98. It's a bad bull. Okay. All right? I've been in there a while. I've been in there a long while. Enough to fill out a lot of this guest book.

So I drop it in, and I'm thinking to myself, like, there's just no way I can retrieve this. What do you do? Why would you? Like, I just can't get, like, I can't see it, which means I'm going to have to go in after it and not see it. This is gross. This is.

I mean, do you get, like, the barbecue metal tongs? My mind went to one of those long trigger picker uppers. Like the children's toy? Like an old person gets stuff off the top shelf. I'm like, do I have one of those that I can immediately throw away? Jason, I was thinking of the T-Rex buyer too. And I've already known that this marker's done. I mean, it not short of a bleach

bath and like why am i saving this market you can buy markers that's so i'm trying to i come into the office and i'm telling this ridiculous story and i tell my wife i go i go i just dropped the pin like i was screaming across the house into the bowl and then she she didn't help and so now i'm trying to figure out what did you expect her to do a hot a hot tip give me a tip give me a give me some insight the marker in the bowl i'm in the situation already and so at this point i'm like what is really the best thing that i can do well obviously i say to myself this marker can't flush down a toilet. It's a marker. Right. Like there's no way.

So my plan is you flush the toilet. You allow all of the bad bull to go away. And what's going to be left but the marker? Right. This sounds very scientific. Right. Do you agree with Al Borland? Do you agree with this mindset? As the man's man of the show, do you feel like that was a rational way of thinking with your experience in toiletry?

When Andy came in and was telling us this story, that was the first thing that crossed my mind as well. Yeah, because I'm a genius. Well, genius. To flush holding, hoping that the marker would nestle in such a way that it would not go down. I just wanted to reach into a less bad bowl and get this thing. Right.

Correct. Hoping that it got a wash on the way down. Yes. And hoping that it was perpendicular to the opening. Yes. But you can't see it. Correct. It was a gamble.

I said hoping. Yeah. It was a gamble. Thank you, Al. So you flushed. Yeah, a gamble. I said hoping. Yeah. It was a gamble. Thank you, Al. So you flushed. Yeah, the gamble didn't pay off. Apparently, you can flush a marker down the toilet.

You can. You must have a great toilet. Congratulations. Here's the honest truth of what happened, because I didn't reveal all of this in the story before. Oh, no. The honest truth is that after the first flush, I could see a little bit of the marker. It was in a...

It was going down, but I could see the very tip of it sticking out of the toilet hole. Okay, so you could have retrieved it. At that point, I could have potentially reached into the toilet hole to retrieve the marker. Now, is this during flush? No, this is post-flush.

So the flush is done. You could have reached in. The flush is done. You ever had a bad bull before? Oh, yeah, yeah. I've had a bad bull. But what you're saying is... A double flush requirement?

Of course. We've all lived that. But your plan worked. Yes. My plan did not work because it wasn't perpendicular to the hole. It was actually in the hole that would have had to been reaching into the hole. So what I thought is double flush this bad boy. It was actually in the hole that would have had to been reaching into the hole. So what I thought is double flush this bad

boy. It'll dislodge it out. It'll come out. Why would it come out? Things can come out. As a record, this is where Andy lost my support. How is it going to come out? The water's going down. Surprise, surprise. It flushed it further.

It flushed it further. Yeah, weird. And now, the next morning. Now everything's okay? Well, the next morning, my son was having his morning movement, and he came out and said, Dad, the toilet's flushing weird. Uh-oh. There's a marker in it, son. Don't worry about it.

So I've tweeted about this. Apparently, there is a trap in the toilet um which i think uh in the basic geometric shapes tell me that this marker is in it right there's no way this marker has the markers absolutely in your what is the biodegradable time for a marker probably upwards of two decades two decades so i can wait it out so your toilet is ruined now. No. No, my toilet is a risky proposition for my guests. That's the truth of the matter. I've put a plunger in that toilet or in that bathroom.

Not in the toilet. I put a sign up that said pee only. And I'm just playing roulette. It could be me. It could be somebody else. I feel like it's an easy fix of... You gotta take the toilet off. Oh, you do? You have to take the toilet off. Can't you just... Al Borland... No, Al Borland's

nodding in affirmative. No, it's in the actual toilet. The way a toilet... The inner workings of it, there is a you inside the porcelain. 20 years, man. I'm all... You're in for the 20-year biodegrading.

I didn't know I had to take the toilet off. Yeah. I am straight up just, I'm buying a new toilet. I've got a new toilet. I am not lying, and this is terrible. It's gone through my mind that I just need to redo all the toilets in my house. This is the cause of like, let's get some upgraded toilets through the whole house. The silver lining.

I need one that could flush a marker. That's right. So that's my story. All right. Sounds like we're qualified to help other people now. Oh my goodness. I'm ready for the conclusion of that. I have texted some plumber friends

to ask what's next in my journey. All right, Ezekiel from the website. What would you do when you have your hour lunch break while having your headphones on and someone tries to talk to you? And clearly you want your alone time to just enjoy your lunch. So Ezekiel wants to enjoy a quiet lunch. Let me ask you this question to start it off, because we want to give Ezekiel some great advice here. And I don't blame you for wanting some quiet time work can be a tough place you want to just zone out you want to break in your day earbuds are over the ear headphones i want to know that question

first oh okay because earbuds can be a very i was just at a baseball practice with my brother he was there with his kid i was there with mine i must have talked to my brother five different times thinking he was talking to me when he was actually just talking on the phone on his airpods oh yeah yeah i didn't know earbuds are what a ninja would use to listen to music yes because they don't want you to be aware so yeah i mean i you know so if it's earbuds it's partly on you yeah you gotta you gotta be full on over the ear over your headphones if you let's put it the other way let's say you need to ask somebody a question and they've got the full over the ears i mean that's a that's a big ask you got to ask them to take off the full over the ears. It better be an important question. At that point, I'm leaving the person alone unless it's time sensitive. Really important.

Because you got to tap. Yes, you have to have physical interaction or you got to make a fool of yourself and like wave them down from in front. See that fool thing. I was in a gas station the other day, and a very large man walked in with a very large head. And he had a very large helmet on his very large head, but

this is as big as they make this helmet, and it was still a squeeze. Well, he can't hear anything in this. It's a Ben Roethlisberger. It was not Ben Roethlisberger. It could have been. But then somebody asked this guy a question, and he felt obligated to answer but he couldn't hear anything in his helmet so then that person felt really bad because this guy's now trying to

squeeze out of his helmet and it was a it was a big deal for a dumb question so is your question have to be what was the question i was like it was something like hey i like your helmet it really was it was a helmet yeah he just go what and then the then the guy's like oh no don't worry about it but the guy already started weaseling his head out of the helmet to hear that he's got a nice helmet what i think is so funny about that story is that there is a guy so he was on a motorcycle and he goes into this place and his plan because his head is so tight in that helmet, was just to leave it on the whole time. He 100%.

I'm going to go get my Gatorade. No way. If I'm riding a motorcycle, number one, you got to have, my helmet would be awesome. I would look like one of the guys. You'd have one of those Mohawk helmets? No, I wouldn't have those. I would look like one of the bad guys from Equilibrium, which I'm sure you guys haven't seen this movie.

But like fully blacked out visor, black helmet. I would have that thing on no matter what. Yeah, but you would never take it off. Someone taps you. Never, never, ever. Someone is tapping you vigorously on the shoulder and you're looking straight ahead because you can't hear them. That's what you would

do. Now, when you think of an actor with a helmet on riding a motorcycle, who do you think of? When I think of an actor? Three. Tom Cruise, but no helmet. Tom Cruise. That's totally what I think of, too. You think of Tom Cruise riding a motorcycle.

If you think of any actor riding a motorcycle, when you said that you were going to be real cool, unfortunately, my subconscious told me that you were in to be real cool, unfortunately my subconscious told me that you were in Mission Impossible 3. That's what I understood from it. There were doves flying out of everywhere. That was two. Oh, that's the one I'm thinking of then. So we have the answer for Ezekiel.

The answer for Ezekiel here, they do make motorcycle helmets with the sound, with the speakers inside. Get one of those. I promise you will be left alone. And if you're not left alone, you can ignore them and act like impossible to hear you in here. That is right.

All right, Chris from the website needs life advice. Chris says, I recently went shopping, and when I got home, I realized that an item I added, I'm sorry, an item that I had purchased was missed by the cashier. Do I just consider this a blessing? Do I have to go back to the store and purchase the item? Does how expensive the item was matter?

Oh, man. This is a moral conflict. I have been in this position a couple of times. But I think I've caught it in the parking lot, which makes the task of overcoming that a lot easier. Like it's very easy to turn around and say, hey, you missed this. And I do think, unfortunately...

But when you catch it, do you keep going? Well, what I was going to say is I think, unfortunately, it is related to the price. It's 100% related to the price. Because if I went to Target and one of the reams of paper in my bag was not charged and I just got a free ream of paper, I'm probably not turning around. But if I bought like, I don't know, like a video game that was $60 or like something that was in the above $50 range,

I'd probably go back and do it, unless I have to drive a really long ways. Ooh. Okay, so. Convenience. Unfortunately, I'm being honest. I think that because there are people that would say, hey, that's their problem.

That's their fault. It's written into their shrink that some things are lost. I have a problem, and this is real. This is Jason Moore. I have an issue. He's not turning around at all. That is very similar to this, and I'm in the middle of it. So I got that. Wait, we can give you advice and him advice?

Yes, this is ongoing. I need help with this. Now, I've returned the pin. Good, yes. The pin needs to go back. You know who would take that pin? Costco? Costco. So I bought

for Christmas a 12 foot monstrous Christmas tree. It comes in two huge boxes. It is more expensive than what should be bought. Right. So unfortunately I bought it from two

places on accident. I thought I cancelled one. They both show up. So I need to on accident. I thought I canceled one. They both show up. So I need to return one. I return the Amazon one. And what happens is I go through, I print the return label. The guy comes, he picks it up. But he only picks up one of the two boxes.

Okay. I know this. Oh, as in the Christmas tree was shipped in two boxes. Yes. And it's huge boxes. It is a very, very, very large box. Huge box. I've seen these on his porch.

Yeah, you've seen it on my porch because they've been on my porch since Christmas. It's still there because I've talked to Amazon, and there's no way to print the return because they show the return being completed. I have received my money. He's been refunded. He's completely in the clear, but there's one box left. But this company is missing a huge, very expensive box of product that I tried. I did.

I tried to get it back. I even went after they failed and talked to the UPS guy. I don't know how to get it back to them. And the worst thing is if you throw it away, what if they come calling? Well, they're not. They're not going to come. You've done your job as a consumer. But morally, you should be applauded.

Can I just throw this thing away? I think you can throw it away. 100%. Heck yeah. Especially if you've given it multiple months. Yeah. Especially if you can blame the UPS driver for it being missing. Half of the tree.

The bottom half. So they have work. The bottom half? Yes. The top half, you could have made something out of that. It was the big bottom half base of this tree. So there's probably a six and a half foot tree. I feel like you should find one of your neighbors.

Put it on their porch? And give them a present. Oh. Yeah. No, you give it to one of your friends. We used to do that growing up. You give people half of a present? No, we would find things, and we would go and just put them on people's porches.

Or put them, like, things at a garage sale. Like an oversized painting. And we'd just put them in their backyard. Or put them on the front porch. It was very fun. It was very fun. People come home, and there's just a new object yeah there's a painting that blocks your whole front door and nobody knows who ordered the

painting so what do you what advice do you give to chris mike i mean i i told you the situations i've been in are you are you gonna be honest well you know what matters what honestly matters more to me is, is this a local shop? Is this a mom and pop store? Ooh, subjectivity. Or is this the man? Is this Walmart? Is Amazon the man? Amazon is the man.

Let me ask you this then, because I know where you're going. I need to ask you directly. My wife bought my son a watch two years ago the watch was twenty dollars it was a kid's watch they shipped us a seven hundred dollar diamond type watch like like a rolex-esque watch when i for real for real in place of it okay all right no they never contacted us they never said anything i forced us to send the watch back it was and but the arguments that i got from family members of why i should keep and pawn this watch was because it was the man because it was amazon's the are but are you 100 sure that was from the man because amazon also is his third party yes it was from the

man you verified it was from the man so what then you his third party yes it was from the man you verified it was from the man so what then you did not do your civic duty as as an american you say to screw the man oh screw the man but you can't let the man keep you down no let me just legitimately make the argument against that somebody's gonna get fired that works for the man nah too big nah they can't find it. Yeah, since they treat them so well already. It fell between the cracks. Look, this one's pretty easy.

It's illegal. I would say you did the right thing, Andy. I'm proud of you. So if Amazon ships you something, it's illegal to keep it? If Amazon ships me a gold bar when I meant to order a candy bar, that's on them. That's on them.

That is on them. This has not been helpful. This is bad advice. Not at all. What do you think, Mr. Borland? I need another... We need another stone on the moral... I'm probably going to split the vote,

unfortunately, inside with Andy on this one. Yeah, you're a good person. I feel like it comes around. Look, I've gotten home. I've gotten home and the guacamole was not in my bag. That's true. That's true. And then you don't go back for guac.

Yeah, that's true. But they don't balance. The gold bar is mine. Oh my gosh. This is terrible. All right. So if it costs a bunch of money at like a Target, would you go back? When I was a kid, I stole a glue stick. I stole a glue stick from Michael's. And when I say glue stick, I don't even mean like one of the kids Elmer's glue sticks.

I mean like for a glue gun, one of the teeny glue sticks that go in a glue gun like the hot glue like a hot glue gun stick they cost about 10 cents i had my mom drove me back down there that was a learning experience and she said she said you knowingly walked out with it yeah but here's this different yeah that's straight that's just stealing don't steal kids don't steal uh don't steal just stealing. Don't steal kids. Don't steal. Don't steal, kids, and don't steal kids. Either way. Oh, great advice. Thank you.

Would you rather. All right. Would you rather always. This is from Greg on Twitter. Would you rather always have the feeling that you're about to sneeze or always have the feeling that you're about to pee? Oh. This is a very important would you rather question. I am feeling the latter right about now. Oh, the gotta pee?

Yeah. Let's make this show last a while, Mike. The thing about the sneeze is talking at half speed when you when you have the sensation you're like oh i'm gonna sneeze and then it never comes it's one of the it's a top 10 frustrating moment yes of your life and which like i just got the wife again with it where she says oh i'm gonna sneeze you hit him right with the bless you pre sneeze oh yes they can't sneeze because the sneeze goes away it's a troll have you oh you did it to andy the other day yes yeah i do it any chance i get and do you do you have to like forcibly get it do you have to immediately like bless you are you trying to rush it or you just

casually say it quick he He wants to ruin somebody. No, it's not a quick because I think a quick might startle the sneeze out. So here's how I view this, right? It's worse, I feel like, to really have to pee. But it's more debilitating to have to sneeze. Like, when I have to pee, oh, man, it's more debilitating to have to sneeze. Like, when I have to pee, oh, man, it's awful. But I know how I can keep talking. I can keep doing things.

You make it go away for a little while. And when I have to sneeze, you're like, oh. You freeze. Wait. I mean, that's the rest of your life. Bless you. I am cured I actually did

have a situation yesterday I had a bunch of dental work done like 2-3 hours of dental work feeling great I get into the seat and man I feel a sneeze coming on that won't finish and so for like 10 minutes I'm thinking I'm about to sneeze and I'm going what if this happens in the middle of like

a procedure mouth open I think you die if you sneeze with your mouth open a full open mouth sneeze and somebody is in there big gold chunk of something comes out you have to believe that

dentists have had that experience they're in the mouth too much they probably had the situation where someone's peed in the chair too i hope not probably if they've done kids probably the question now i have if you always feel like you really have to pee how do you ever know living your life when you actually have to go to the bathroom i mean you're gonna have to do an hour spot check i think that i think what you have to do so i had a car my first car which i tried as a child to pawn off onto andy he did it was the worst car ever it was and i tried to convince my parents to let me buy it because i trusted jason had no headliner no gas gauge it

had nothing it was pretty much much the Flintstones car. One of the many broken things in the car. It wasn't at your grandma's. It was my. You made it sound like it was the best car because it ran in your family. Right. It was an heirloom. Stepmom's father.

Oh, that's not as. Wait. No. Was your stepmom's father? It was a Christine situation. It was his car. He was not the car okay um but it didn't have a gas 25 percent it didn't have a gas gauge and it leaked oil like crazy so what i had to do and i think this is what you'd have to do in your in your life i had to just keep a log of mileage.

And I know like, oh, I'm getting close to 300 miles. I should fill it up with gas. So you just keep a log of like, as soon as you go to the bathroom, you start the timer on your watch of like three hours. It's a trip. What do they call that? It's like you're running an odometer. Yeah, exactly.

For pee. For pee pee. You're running a peeometer yeah exactly for p for pp you're running a pedometer yes there it is we got there you need a pedometer it's not it's very similar to the walking one but it's a pedometer now i've talked to people that don't they can't stop themselves from sneezing if a sneeze is coming on if you told me right now you are never allowed to sneeze again i could never sneeze again sometimes i can sometimes i can't because i just put my finger on my nose what if i do this i don't sneeze you just for for the listeners yeah you are literally just touching the tip of your nose a little pressure on the tip of the nose i don't think that's uncommon because i mean when you see

i could also make myself sneeze just by like at the sun. Oh, you're also blind, though. That was a weird trade-off. Back in the old cartoons, when a character was going to sneeze and they didn't want to, they would put the finger extended under the nose. Yeah, I can see that works, too. But also in cartoons, they would pull out mallets from nowhere behind them. That is not how we judge life, Mike. If you pull a mallet out and smack someone in the face, they would pull out mallets from nowhere behind them. That is not how we judge life. If you pull a mallet out and smack someone in the face, they will not sneeze.

They will never sneeze again. But they will see little birdies flying around their head. All right. One more would you rather before we get into this draft. This one's funny to me. Would you rather your voice always be 10 seconds delayed? Oh. Others don't hear anything until 10 seconds later.

Or your voice always be two times louder than appropriate. Oh, man. Oh, man. That's like Josh. Yes. That's like one of our- Papa Josh. Papa Josh, one of the guys that works for us.

I mean, two times is probably an exaggeration, but like 1.8. No, that's minimizing it. And you know what's worse than that is he walked into my house yesterday. Hey! Oh, that's always. And then he's singing Baby Shark. You guys heard Baby Shark? Yes, of course we've heard Baby Shark.

Well, get this. He hadn't until like a week ago. Oh, homeschool. He has two young daughters. No, man. Hold on. Hold on. Yeah.

If I homeschool my children. No, Baby Shark. Do I? Get out of all of those songs. I avoid Gummy Bear. I would have avoided Baby Shark. Yeah. Yeah.

My goodness. Yeah. Now, I hate to say this. So anyway, he just learned it is my point. Uh-oh. No. And he's singing it at double volume. No. I hate to say this. No. Yeah. My goodness. Now, I hate to say this. So anyway, he just learned it is my point. And he's singing it at double volume. I hate to say this. No. No.

What is Gummy Bear? Oh, okay. I thought you were going to say you like Baby Shark. No, I do. I love it. I'm a gummy bear. I'm a gummy bear. Oh, yeah.

Okay. Oh, you like that jam? Yeah, that's good too. Yeah. No, I love these. Oh, Al Borland, are you nodding in approval? That song's great. No!

What do you think? Do you think the 10-second delay would come in, be a problem for you when you get pulled over by the police? It would be a massive problem. Sir, what is your name? Bob. It would be a tremendous problem if you were on a game show. Oh, you're...

You got to start your answer before the question ends. Yes. You have to guess on the answer. You have to pre-start your answer. You have to pre-start your answer. And really hope that you get the buzz in. Yeah, because you buzz... Okay, it's Mike.

You're up. Who is Robert Downey Jr.? Sir, it's not your turn you have to you have to presume you get the buzz too otherwise you're just talking otherwise you're giving everyone answers that's right i think that the delay could cause major major problems in relationships. You know, does this, do these jeans make me look fat? No, of course not. No, they look great, babe. But what about the two times louder? No, they look great, babe. Hey, that just means you're excited about everything. I mean, there are times, you know, you go to the library. Because it says two times louder than appropriate.

So you are always inappropriate with your vocal. like if you're in a yelling situation you're twice as loud yelling you're destroying your voice you're just trying yeah couldn't be a coach of a kid's sports team that would be real tough on those kids so if you were a podcaster and you were doing it this is basically i would i think that it would be a little inappropriate and people in the cars. Yeah, that's pretty loud. You would also be the most, like if you were in a band, you could be the most metal singer of all time.

Because you'd be twice as loud as any other metal singer. So there's an advantage. Yeah, well, there's at least one. I'm not sure if there's any advantage to the 10 seconds. No, I can't see an advantage to that. I'm going to go with twice as loud. I can change my character traits to make that make sense. Enough.

The Spitballers Draft. All right. Today's draft is SNL cast members. We're going to draft our perfect SNL cast. We've got four picks each. Jason gets to pick numero uno. I feel like Jason purposely, like this has been on the docket for a very long time. Oh, he waited.

And he has strategically put it off when he knows that he is not the first pick well that is 100 true that is 100 true thank you um but i take that as a huge compliment thank you for you do what it takes to win uh al borland did he time this up on purpose? Did he ask you to put this in today? He did not, but he has objected in the past when we put it in the document. He was not the one. So he objects until today. I see. It's going to be a shame when you lose.

It will be a shame if I lose because that would be nonsense. It would make no sense, which is another way of saying nonsense. It would make no sense, which is another way of saying nonsense. So look, there is more than one person worthy of being picked first. There is. I could think of at least three people that are worthy in the conversation. I have two. I have two.

That are in the conversation for that first pick. But I can't go anywhere. But my good bud, Mr. Farrell. Will Farrell is as diverse. He can be crazy, insane person, and he can play the total straight guy who's in an insane world just as well. You get so many famous characters.

It's a great pick. And I get more cowbell. He's one of the two. He's one of the two that I wanted. And I knew I wouldn't get. Either of the two? Yeah. I know the second one I won't get, too. Yeah, I'm going to go with Chris Farley. That's two of the three. Beloved,

hilarious, some of the greatest skits of all time. I'm so interested to know your third. Oh, and I hope I tell you when it comes back. It takes a while to get back to you, Jason. So, Jason, you went with Will Ferrell as number one. I went with Chris Farley. This is one of those drafts that's interesting because, like, you can play the pay homage to a bygone era

and what you've seen, what you haven't seen. You can weigh things like how popular were they for a short period of time. I am full on. Or were they like, hey, full duration. I am weighing popularity of this person still. You have two picks now, Mike, because I went with Chris Farley in his van down by the

river yes it those were both excellent picks that's exactly where i would have gone with the first two of my first pick i'm going to take adam sandler he had a great run on saturday night live many funny characters same era as chris farley but yeah still around and maybe people don't like his movies as much anymore but he is still he is still remembered as one of the funniest guys of our era growing up then i'm gonna take a guy and honest truth do i know about him really on saturday night live a little bit oh come on a little bit no i know who this is no there plenty of guys, but he is one of the- JB. He is-

JB. That's not who you're going with? No. Okay. Who are you going with? No. He is one of the most beloved Americans. You may disagree with this.

Yeah, now I know who you're disagreeing with. There's a documentary that's out about him right now because he just does crazy stuff. He's going bowel movement. I'm taking Bill Murray. Yeah. Bill Murray. Bill Murray. Yeah, Bill Murray's on the short list for sure. Yeah, I mean, look.

If you don't love Bill Murray... There's something wrong with you. It's one of those things where I think if you don't like Bill Murray, that is something in today's culture you need to keep quiet. Oh, yes. You're not allowed to come out and be like... It's pretty much like saying an

offensive joke where it's like it's like whoa whoa like someone needs to talk to you about this right exactly you can't say you don't like and and and i want it for the record i obviously love bill murray obviously obviously all right so you have adam sandler and bill murray and i'm i can't wait just time out real quick i can't wait for my next pick because i am going to crush mike's happiness and that makes me so full of joy i am going to go with and this may be early but but don't care. Might lose. Who knows what's early on this one? I'm building my cast, right? You're building a cast. You're not just independently picking.

And I just want Kristen Wiig on there. Yeah, she's on my short list. Kristen Wiig is just funny through and through. There are people with the gift of being funny even when they're not doing anything at all times. She is the uh will ferrell the female will ferrell she really is i was they remind me their their comedy styles are very similar to me that they could just read a book and it would be hilarious yeah just reading it out

loud the weird nuance of their faces um there are so many other picks that you know you can go with but i want to build my perfect cast, and I feel great with Chris Farley and Kristen Wiig. I love that. That's a really good start. I certainly, without a shred of doubt, would have taken Kristen Wiig. Oh, would you? Never would have got back to you.

Okay, then I feel good about that pick. Because if you're building a cast, you need that funny female, and while there are a handful, It's like you need that funny female. And while there are a handful, if you can only draft female SNL characters, she's the clear 101 to me. So here's the pick that I was so excited about. I was so excited because I think it was worthy at the 101. I think there's three top people. That's crazy.

And that's to take nothing away from Kristen Wiig or Adam Sandler or Bill Murray. Great. But this guy rescued, absolutely rescued Saturday Night Live. Saturday Night Live was going to go away. I heard, but I know nothing about it. The reason you know nothing about it is because everybody stopped watching SNL for a little bit, and you were part of everybody. But when he came with his short, you know snl shorts and the and oh i know who

yeah and the music videos and my the reason that it's gonna make you so upset we're talking about different people is because you love this man so much mike i do but andy sandberg yes is so super funny and everything he does i get music videos now on my cast conglomeration. He's one of the people that have been able to parlay SNL into great success outside of Saturday Night Live. Well, the irony is that he parlayed independent video success into SNL. Is that how he got on? Yeah. Interesting.

He was one of the first people. independent video success into SNL. Is that how he got on? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he was doing... He was one of the first people. He did the Lonely... Lonely Island. Lonely Island stuff. Yeah, with the music group. That was pre-SNL. That's true.

Yeah. That's true. He did some of those videos beforehand. So he parlayed that into that role. It's a solid pick. I wasn't sure. I don't know the vote power of Andy Samberg, though. No, I agree with that. I think he could be strong because of his newness he's still there i mean yeah so nine nine is great um so now i've got a

couple people that i'm really debating between stalwarts that have you know been there forever i'm just trying to think who will come back to me who Who won't? And I'm going to go. Man. There's two people I'm really between here. Yeah, twist in the wind. It is really tough. I think I am going to go. Are you going to the mall?

All right. Which one has a chance to get back to me? Oh, your pain is bringing me such joy right now. My pain is true. I am going to take a guy that he didn't. Here's what he did. Oh, my gosh. No, I'm pivoting.

Oh, man. I'm going every which way. I'm going to be so upset when somebody takes him. I'm going the other way. I'm taking Keenan. I'm taking the other way. I'm taking Keenan. I'm taking Keenan Thompson. He's in my list. Because he's been around forever now.

I mean, I feel like he was. He's the Robert Parrish of SNL. He was 12 years old. A long-storied Hall of Fame career. A lot of people don't realize he was 12 years old when he joined Saturday Night Live. 30 years. I mean, when I think about all the favorite sketches, he's just so great. You can read a book and you'll laugh, too.

He plays himself in every sketch. And it's great. His range is very small. It's very small, but it's perfect. But it's the best. You don't want him going anywhere because he's always got that smile behind the face where, you know, hoo-hoo-wee, what up with that? It's a good pick.

What up with that? I have a feeling there will be more hotly contested debates on Twitter due to this draft than anyone we've ever had before because everybody has their favorites and there are all these different eras. There are people that are vote-get or in in other people's lists i think what i like about your picks jason is that you're you want to the key to these drafts just be proud of your team yeah be proud of your team and be proud of the guys you picked as opposed to plop plop fizz fizz oh man i really let the people down with that one people were mad dude because I was crushing that draft. Everyone said I was going to vote for you until

Alka-Seltzer. And then you looked up a list, probably, of famous jingles. Yeah. Because it is famous. It just sucks. It's famous for all the people not on Twitter. And that's why I'm not going to go with some of these other names I could go with right now. So far, I have Chris Farley and Kristen Wink. Strong. And

when I think of SNL, in my head when I say, what is SNL? I think about Dana Carvey. I think about Dana Carvey. I'm so happy. Me or yours winning, Mike. Me or you. I don't like him.

A lot of people don't like him? No, just me. Ross Perot. Church lady dana carvey is very beloved um dana carvey and he had a long run on snl so i consider that too wayne's world he did it for uh yeah wayne's world uh george bush oh my gosh a thousand points of light oh will farrell's george bush it took that no that would be uh george w that's w uh Dana Carvey, look, almost a 10-year run on the show. When I picture classic SNL, he's in that picture. I'm just glad because I would not have taken him.

Yes. So it makes my decision. Could have come around to me is what you're saying. He definitely would have made it back. I'm going to go with the gal who I think is right up there. If you're talking 1A, 1B with Kristen Wiig, I'm taking Kate McKinnon. She, to me, is elite tier of being hilarious. For example, the sketch of her alien abduction.

Oh, man. I mean, how many one-liners in that one sketch came out? It was absolutely incredible. It's funny because you said 1A or 1B, and I thought of two other females. Me too. There's two other females I would have put ahead. I thought would have easily been ahead of Kate McKinnon. And I know who they are.

And then I'm just going to take one of my favorite comics of all time. If you follow any of my socials, you'll be like, man, this guy goes and sees this person do stand-up live a lot. And that's Norm MacDonald. I love Norm MacDonald. Yeah, you see. I feel like his sense of humor has had a lot to do with shaping my sense of humor. Of course it has.

He's very blunt and dark. And very dry. And I love Norm MacDonald so much. Okay. So that's my team. So go ahead and read that team out. So I got the Sandman. Got Bill Murray, Kate McKinnon, and Norm MacDonald.

All right. Right now I'm sitting here with Chris Farley. Sitting here with Dana Carvey, Kristen Wiig. Tough decisions. I thought, you know, Jason may take one of them, whatever. I thought Tina Fey or Amy Poehler were going to be the two that you pick because I adore Amy Poehler. She's in consideration here, as are some of the classics.

I think I'm going to go with, now I'm in Jason's boat. I'm going to go with Tina Fey. Okay. I'm going to go with Tina Fey. Okay. I'm going to go with Tina Fey. Not only is she an incredible writer, she was flat out hilarious for many, many years. So I think Tina Fey is perfect. So I got Tina Fey, Chris Farley, Dana Carvey, Kristen Wiig.

And look. And there are about 20 more I want. There are so many. I mean, we could do probably six of these drafts. Amy Poehler deserves to be drafted, and I should have a woman on the team because we're making our team. Your perfect cast. Your perfect cast.

You can do a lot of sketches. But I can't do it because the person I was between picking when I picked Keenan Thompson came back. So I got, look, I love, here's my favorite thing about Saturday Night Live. My absolute favorite. And everybody's favorite. It's your favorite, too. If you don't, here's my favorite thing about Saturday Night Live. My absolute favorite. And everybody's favorite. It's your favorite too.

If you don't realize it's your favorite, you're about to realize. When people break. Yeah. When people crack and they start laughing. Because they're not supposed to do that. And this was all he did. And they're laughing. And it's all he did.

And he parlayed that into a massive career afterwards on Late Night. I am taking the break man himself, Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon just... He's on my list. All he did was he would stand in the scene and start accidentally laughing, and you would love every scene that he's in because nothing makes people laugh quite like laughter yeah he was definitely there uh so did you what's your team then so my team is will ferrell andy sandberg keenan thompson

and jimmy fallon see i think this will be a very interesting vote i think it's gonna be really close and yes we uh i acknowledge fully the john belushi's the eddie murphy's of the world yeah um the i i was real close with phil hartman oh not like as a friend because he didn't know me right but i meant like i was real close to picking him as a straight man for my like yeah phil hartman would have been my for my cast so it was between him and and tina fey but bill hater is great bill hater was up there, too. I love Bill Hader. And then there's Dan Aykroyd and Mike Myers. Is it okay to say you don't like Dan Aykroyd?

Yes, it is. It's totally okay now. Because I don't like Chevy Chase, either. Oh, I love Chevy Chase. Could have gone... I don't like Chevy Chase. I know you guys like... Don't you guys like John Lovitz, too? No, I don't.

I can't stand him. I do love A League of Their Own. Shout out John Lovitz. Jason Sudeikis. John Lovitz is? No, I don't. I can't stand him. I do love A League of Their Own. Shout out John Lovitz. Jason Sudeikis. John Lovitz is in that movie? Yeah, he was the scout. He was the baseball scout. So what I like about this is we drafted who we like.

Lovitz is great. I think we're all proud of our teams. Bit parts. Bit parts for Lovitz was great. And I wasn't around in the 70s to watch John Belushi. But those are our teams. I'm very excited to see how this turns out. Thank you so much for supporting the podcast every Monday.

Tell your friends. Tell your friends every Monday, but all the other days too. Tell your foes. I've got to go deal with the toilet situation. You've got 20 years. Here's what I learned today. I did the right thing according to Al Borland Goodbye

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