Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 42: Skipping Across America and a BIG ANNOUNCEMENT

Episode Date: April 8, 2019

We’re coming in hot this week with some huge news. Don’t miss your invite to our upcoming party! Then, come alongside us as we learn the answers to some pretty serious questions. What are the limitations to Jason’s accent impersonations? How can we easily tap into a true source of joy in this life? What the heck is a saucer? Would you rather or would you both? Finally, the guys cast a blockbuster action movie by drafting a hero, sidekick, love interest, and villain. Truly a “don’t miss” episode!   Connect with the show: Visit us on the web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, spit wads, when you run out of this great show and you're like, I want more shows, you can get access to our entire archive at spitballerspod.com. You can become an official spit wad of our Patreon, have access to everything we've ever made, ad free at spitballerspod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Went a little raspy at the end. like it that was nicely done yeah that was one of the working through a chest cold so i can i can go a little lower that's a scat cold a scam you do not want you do not want scat in your lungs. I'll tell you that much. Oh, you don't.

I mean, that's a horrific joke. But that reminds me of something very funny. You know, we've talked about the scat man on this show. A personal fave song of mine. Yes, yes. It's so fun. He never stutters. That's true.

That's very, very true. My youngest, he just turned five and he isn't he is a different type of cat like this is a different guy different type of scat yes so i don't even apparently he picked this up in preschool but i introduced my kids to the Scatman because we talked about it on the show. I hope you mean the real man. No. The actual guy, Scatman John. I had him over. He's not doing much these days.

He's had one. He does the singing telegrams now. Yeah, I'm sure. Comes to your door. But so my youngest says, Dad, does this song mean he's the poop man? Oh, my gosh. Of my five-year-old. What preschool is he going to?

Because they learned about animal scat. They learned about animal scat. And he instantly made the connection. I don't think I've heard the word scat since I was a young kid at my grandparents' house or something. I feel like it's an old school word. Don't step in the scat. uh i was a young kid at my grandparents house or something like i feel like it's an old school word don't step in the scat yeah yeah this guy well hey listen we will find every vocabulary reason to bring poop into this show welcome into the spitballers podcast andy mike and jason back again big time news for the Spitwads. This is huge. Not only is today going to be an absolutely fabulous show.

That's a great question. Would you rather an awesome draft today? But the big news is we are officially coming to YouTube on video. The video product premieres Monday, April 15th. We're doing a premiere party, 3 p.m. Pacific, 6 p.m. Eastern. You can come. We'll be in the chat. There's an official YouTube premiere hanging out.

The premiere party, which is a new feature on YouTube, is basically something that lets – it'll launch together at the same time. So be there. Be on YouTube. We'll tweet out the actual link. The three of us will be in the chat. We'll watch it together with you. It'll be a huge, fun time.

That's going to happen 6 p.m. Eastern, 3 p.m. Pacific on April 15th, next Monday. So here's the key, though. And we're telling you this so we can advance for a reason. One, so that you can be there. The way that you're there, you've got to go to YouTube, search for Spitballers. You've got to subscribe and click the bell so you know exactly the moment we go live. Yeah, you'll get that notification if you ring that bell. What is the ideal snack for a Spitballers podcast?

Oh, to sit down and enjoy the video version of the show? Absolutely. What's the perfect snack? Cattle corn. Little salty, little sweet. I heard cattle corn. It definitely sounded like cattle corn. It's cattle corn.

It's beefy. It's like pork rinds, except it's corn. I don't want cattle corn. I want kettle corn. All right. Kettle. Are you guys kettle corn fans? Like, if you could have regular popcorn or kettle corn, would you go?

I mean, would you rather? No, I'm straight. I like regular popcorn. I am straight caramel corn. Give me. Oh. Like, I don't want any of the salty. I can't have that much of it.

No. I like the cheese corn. That's how I. If I have to get a flavor for the popcorn, I go with the cheese. You like the cheese corn that's how i if i have to get a flavor for the popcorn i go with the cheese the cheddar like the cheese oh yeah the variance though there's a variation in the cheese that i just can't tolerate sometimes i've gotten it's too much cheese the whole bag's ruined too much caramel bonus yeah exactly so get rid of the cheese and just have nonstop bonus. The problem with the cheese, if it's caramel flavor on there,

I know what's going on there. If it's a cheese flavor, I don't actually know what that stuff is made out of. No, it's not cheese. It's not cheese. That's for sure. All right. Follow us on Twitter at SpitballersPod. It's tetanus. We appreciate all the reviews coming in over on Apple Podcasts.

In fact, we read them on the show. Review-a-saurus rags. This one comes in from MattBett32 from the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Wow. Five stars, he says. Well, hold on, Jay. So this is from the UK of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Right.

Number one. Yeah, just like we're from Arizona, the United States of America. Number one, bonjour. Bonjour. To our friend from across the sea. Mm-hmm. But he's UK, Jay. Mm-hmm.

I think you have to read it in UK. Okay. Oh, good job. When I first started listening to this podcast, I thought these shouty Americans are far too loud for my sophisticated and refined British sense of humor. But when you started talking about poop and roundhouse farts, I thought I can definitely get on board with this.

Love your work. Keep it up. Well, thank you, MattBet32. You know what? You harkened back to some Harry Potter. You were David Attenborough. Is that what you did? You were David Attenborough. That's what I was going for. Is that what you did? You went David Attenborough?

100% Attenborough. I apologize to MattBet32, who transformed into an 80-year-old man, but there we have it. Oh, I read MattBet82. That was on me. Wow. I instantly trusted you a little bit more. You mix an accent in with the age of the voice.

Wisdom. There's wisdom and trust there. Like Gandalf just showed up. So obviously, look, this guy knows what he's talking about. Five stars. Sure. Harry. Harry.

You're a wizard. It's a new secret talent we didn't know about. Yeah, that was pretty good. I can only do accents and whispers. Oh. It just made. Is that the secret? Mike, there's a secret here.

Harry. Can you do like, give me an Australian. G'day, Mike. Put another ship on the. It's the. They're all. Give me a Russian. Don't splash the ball. You're supposed to whisper. I can't do it. I tried to whisper. You can't whisper a Russian. Don't splash the pot.

No, but you're supposed to whisper. I can't do it. I tried to whisper. You can't whisper in Russian. Russians can't whisper. They whisper. Yeah. They cannot whisper.

Don't splash. You can't do it. That's impossible. No. You cannot do a Russian accent in a whisper. We just discovered something about whispering Russian. Say, don't splash the pot in a whisper. Yeah.

I can't do a Russian. Don't splash the pot. Don't splash the pot. Don't splash the pot. Why is it don't splash the pot? From Rounders. Oh, okay, okay, okay. All right, let's get into our first segment. That's a great question.

Don't splash. All right, here's our first question. This one was sent in from Dean, or by Dean, on the website. He asks, what is the correct phone, wallet, and key pocket combination? Oh. In other words, like, is it left front pocket wallet? Or is it right rear wallet? Wait, so this came in because the timing of this is amazing.

I don't know if a good friend of our other show, the footballer Scott Fish, they were talking about this on Twitter. So I'm glad that we can bring an official ruling. Look, I'm going to be honest with you guys. I need this advice. I have a very rigorous, strict thing that I that i obey but my pockets and i'm sure you know this you're friends of me yeah my pockets are always completely over bulging i look like an idiot half the time because it here's what i do i put my phone in my left i'm left-handed so i

need i need quick access to you know that out, get on the phone. Because you can't talk on the phone with your... I mean, you have a side, right? When you talk on the phone. Yeah, you're right. You're right. So mine is my left side, so I've got that in there. So that means everything else is in the right pocket.

Everything. Oh, yeah. Keys. Don't want to scrap it. You're talking on the front right pocket. AirPods. We need to specify here. The front right pocket. I don't do rear pockets. Wait, so your're talking about the front right pocket. AirPods. We need to specify here. The front right pocket.

I don't do rear pockets. Wait, so your wallet goes in the front? Yes, I bought a front. I'm a front wallet guy, too. Are you a back wallet guy? Yes, because I'm a normal person. The wallet goes in the rear. Oh, yeah, Grandpa.

That's how Gramps did it. Yeah, you know what? That's good enough for- That generation grew up with misalignment in their back. Well, yeah. I got spinal problems. You always lean into the side. You know what else that generation grew up with?

Harry Potter. Cash. I mean, we don't need that much in our wallets anymore. So I've got this little tiny front wallet that holds like four cards and that's it. front wallet that holds like four cards, and that's it. The problem with the wallet, it's not the cash. Because like you guys, I don't carry a lot of cash. But you have all these stupid VIP cards.

You have to be a member of every single store in their club. And here's the thing. I thought I'd be in trouble. I bought a thin wallet like Jason. And by the way, my configuration is keys, front right pocket phone left pocket how what like that being said chafing to your thigh i can only imagine i have no hair left on my thigh that being said makes sense i thought it was a big day when i went from big wallet to small wallet and i had to do what you did i had to pull all these membership cards out

and put them in a drawer at home. And I ain't never looked back. Yeah. I ain't never needed them. It's not a phone number. Until you end up at Topgolf, and they're like, do you have the membership card? Yeah, Topgolf, get with it.

Put it on an app. No, they charge you a dollar if you show up without the card. Yeah, it's worth the 365 days of paying for a dollar savings once a year, Mike. Dollar saved is a dollar earned. Now, here's the thing. I will do this. I got a little variable. When I get out of my car and I go into a store, I will put my keys in my back pocket.

What? What? Yeah, I'll put them in my back pocket. That's disgusting. Like, what kind of exfoliation is happening to your butt cheek? Your keys while you walk are on your butt cheek? Well, not on it. It's in the pocket.

Next to what? My butt cheek. Yeah. That's, I mean, that would. That sounds horrible. Have you ever sat on the keys? Yes. Yeah.

Not the best. I want to call somebody out here. Lowe's Home Improvement Stores. I'm going to call them out today. I went into a Lowe's the other day, and I had one of the moments that I didn't think you could have, except for in the 80s and before, which was, have you gone? Like, I drove to the store. I needed a bunch of stuff.

And when you go to when you go to lowes you need stuff like it's imminent like otherwise i'd buy it on amazon so it's like i go to lowes and i needed to get i don't know some some uh pest stuff and uh some hardware and i needed this and that i had like 10 things in my bag get up up to the front and guess what? No wallet. None. Forgot the wallet at home. Now, that's my fault. That's on me.

Yeah, why are you mad at Lowe's? That's 100% my fault. But I felt like there had to be a way that I could leave that store with those items. What? No Apple Pay. That's called stealing. Right, yes. Andy wanted to steal from Lowe's so i you can't do apple maybe you already know this you can't do apple pay all right so i tried the apple pay you can't

ask them to run your card with the numbers even though that's nonsense you can't you can't call home no and get the number i had the numbers on my phone they can't run it of course they can't yeah and are you saying that it's nonsense that they wouldn't run the numbers oh no no i got the card i'm it's no i get that i get that i get that no no how do you buy things over the phone how do i buy you you call when is the last time i bought something over the phone pvc pizza yeah qvc pizza you've never ordered a pizza over the phone yeah you give the yes it was 1989. Okay. All right. Let me move on.

So then I think I'm... So I actually walk out to the car with my head hung low. I've got to get in the car and go home. I don't have any of these items. And then I go back in. I go, I'm a genius. They have online store pickup. I'm going to buy these items in store and do the pickup. Except they need your ID to pick the items up.

And so I try to bribe the guy. I'm like, look. I go, dude, this is 64 sweet dollars that Lowe's could have right now. And I will buy the items in front of you. Like in front of you with the app. Still will need the ID.

Did you go to the depot? No, I didn't try the depot. I went home and cried. I'm just saying once you got your wallet. Oh, I should have. You're right. Here's the ridiculous counterpoint, too, where you're getting upset. Get Apple Pay.

You think, of course, they can't just take the numbers. But I could give you my card and say, go to Lowe's. Or buy online. You put the numbers in online, obviously. And they would swipe the card, and there's a 95% chance they're not going to ask you for an ID. I agree with that. But usually, you give me your pin, and I type that in. All I'm saying is, Lowe's, if you don't want to lose out to online sales,

you should probably take my money when I desperately try to give it to you five different ways. That's an excellent point. All right, next question from Big Lou. Big Lou on Twitter. My brother and I have discussed this dilemma forever, and I'd love your help. What distinguishes the point where a pan

becomes a pot and a plate becomes a bowl? What determines those things? Well, I have a plole at home. A plole? It's like a plate bowl. A saucer.

Is it a saucer? No, it's not a saucer. It's like a salad. What's the difference between a saucer and a bowl? What is a saucer? A saucer is... They fly in the sky and they're unidentified. I thought a saucer was what you put your little coffee cup on.

Is that right? Yeah, that could be. I mean, but I think of like, okay, so a skillet, right? A saucer is to the plate family what a skillet is to the pan and pot family. You lost me. A saucer is just a baby plate. A little baby plate. A saucer is a baby plate?

In the Middle Ages. Al Borland, what do you think here? Do you want to weigh in? Not at all. I have no idea. Thank you. Thanks so much. In the Middle Ages, a saucer was used for serving condiments and sauces.

I said sausages. No, sauces. I would serve sausages on a sausage plate. This is my sausage plate. It's very specific. So my point is I've got this like. It's a half bowl, half plate. Yeah.

Does it have a lip on it? You could put cereal in it, but you got to keep it real low because it will go over the sides. Have you ever had that? It's like a salad. That soup bowl, when they come out, it's a very fancy soup bowl but it the actual elevation of this thing is is incredibly low what is that hat like you could wear a really thin thin top hat and then flip that that's a saucer to me oh a thin one yeah one of those like real thin like a ranger hat or is that too no not a ranger hat that's a bowl, Mike. I think you need to Google saucer.

I think I do. Because I don't think you know what a saucer is. I'm looking at it right now. I know you know what a saucer is. Yeah, now flip that over and put it on your head. So back to the question. Yes. What is the point where a pan becomes a pot?

So a pan is... I think I know the answer. It's got to be ounces of water. No. a pan becomes a pot. So a pan is... It's got to be ounces of water. No. I think it's handles. Like, a pot is going to have two handles. I've got pots with one handle. Oh, certainly.

Lots of pots with one handle. Yeah, well, I thought I was there, but. Yeah. I mean, that's a cauldron. That's the transition to a cauldron, Mike. There are plenty of pots. A cauldron does not have any handles.

You put it there. Once that thing is formed and placed, it's there forever. Forever. Okay. Comes with the house. Yeah. The difference is, do you want to put liquid in it? To me, that's what it is.

You can't make mac and cheese in a pan. Can you make mac and cheese in it? Yes, you can. Okay, can you make spaghetti and meatballs in a pan? No, of course not. You got to make it in a pot. So it's can you make pasta? It's can you make pasta.

Can you make pasta? Yeah. If yes, pot. And if no, so look. Can you eat cereal out of a saucer? Big Lou. Wait, no, you can't eat cereal out of a saucer. Yes.

Can you eat cereal is the plate side. Can you eat pasta is the pot side. Okay, so Big Lou. Solve. Here's what you need to do because we haven't actually answered the question yet. You still have to answer the question. Big Lou likes his pasta, by the way. Big Lou needs to go take what he thinks is a pan and try to make some spaghetti.

I want video of you taking this pan and make it some mac and cheese or boil some water in this pan. Yeah, you got to boil. You got to be able to boil in it. Yeah, and if it fails then that's that's a pan if you scald yourself but if you succeed because i've got those pans with the lips you know this it's not it's not the um it's not the like ridges that just go out it's like straight up on the sides but they're still shallow yeah they're still shallow that's a skillet i could probably make mac and cheese in that i'd feel feel like an idiot, but I could do it.

Well, one noodle at a time? Boil one noodle? No. I could do a whole box of mac and cheese. Really? Yeah. Just spread out real wide. Right.

Okay. So I got a wide pot. Yeah, a wide pot. Okay. All right. I think we've exhausted that. Fair. I'm exhausted.

Would you rather alright moving on would you rather questions today before our draft would you rather have unlimited first class flights to anywhere or never have to

pay for food at a restaurant again both of these scenarios sound great. I would like to go with both. I would rather have both. Would you both? Yes. Would you both?

And the answer is yes, I'd both. Yes, I'd both. I'd super both. Both of these are amazing, and the implications financially seem like They need to be figured out Look I have never True bucket list item is flying first class I've never flown first class either

I'm guessing Mike has Of course I have Have you business classed? No What's the difference between business class and first class? A little bit of room I think the first class has a little bit more room. And then they try and give you free stuff when you're in the first class.

And you say no? You can. But see, this is the question of true first class. Luxury. Wide seats. Like ice cream. They try to give you ice cream up there, Andy. Oh, please.

Look, if you're out there and you're a fan and you're like, hey, I own an airline and I would like to give unlimited first class tickets to Jason. That's a big pool of listeners. Mr. and Mrs. Delta are big fans of the spitballers. Yes. Please contact me. I'm looking for this first class bucket list. Because I've flown a lot.

I mean, we do a tour, a five city tour every year, live events. My old business, I flew a lot. I still never want. Every time I do the walk of shame past the first class. Every time, I'm like, this is going to be the time. It's totally worth it. I got to do this one time. And then the price is 80 times more than the other ticket.

Oh, they bump up. It's unbelievable. And you just can't justify it. You always think, hey, I'm doing well this one time. And then the price is 80 times more than the other ticket. Oh, would they bump up? It's unbelievable. And you just can't justify it. You always think, hey, I'm doing well right now financially. Yeah. I'm going to check and see if I can bump up. They're like, certainly. 36 grand.

Certainly you can bump up. We'll need a car as a down payment. That's why you can't do the financial comparison. Because if you're going to do a financial comparison of unlimited first class flights to food, the first class is going to win. That's what I'm taking, though. You want to know why? I'm eating all my meals on a plane now.

Then I get best of both worlds. I'm in first class. They're serving me some nice food up there, right? You just said I get ice cream. Yes. I'm just going to take little hop, skip, and jump first class flights for my meals. They have chefs up there. It's a much different

world. Is that safe? Of course it's safe. Just like open stoves and pots and saucers everywhere? On the flip side, though, I mean, is

this a pot or is this just a skillet? Would you rather never have to pay for food? Please make my macaroni and cheese in a wide pot. In a wide pot, please.

A wide, shallow pot. If I don't have to pay make my macaroni and cheese in a wide pot in a wide pot please a wide shallow pot um if i don't have to pay for food at any restaurant though i mean say goodbye to apple bees no delivery though jason that's fine let's go that's fun though man that's fine i would love to go i mean i'm gonna be a uh daily at ruth's chris you know i'm gonna go to the nicest fanciest places but you have children. You ever seen the mob movies where the mobsters, the bosses, they always got their back room where they eat at the restaurant.

And it's got like the... I want every restaurant. I get my own special room. I just walk in. I sit down. I eat what I want. That'd be a pretty nice life. There's no private room in this scenario. But I'm not the mob in that scenario. Right. You're not the mob, and also this does not give you access.

You want the first class room at the restaurant. You're trying to put these together. That's how you would you both. That's how you would you both. Yes, I would both. So I think I'll take the flight. I'm going to take the food, because man, do I love food. You'll use it more?

How about this i'm gonna throw this caveat in there all right only you get a first class ticket your family give me must ride in coach oh goodness man they'll have an okay time they're still small they fit right well look i'm very tall i need for that's the Do you ever see that Seinfeld? I mean, for those of you that are old Seinfeld fans where there's- What's the deal with airline food? They basically were in standby and they're like, hey, we can get you on this flight. And it was Jerry and Elaine.

And one of you gets to fly coach. One of you has to fly coach. One of you has to fly first class. And Jerry says, he's flown first class before, so he has to take first class because she doesn't know what she's missing. Oh. And it was- It's the Hulu ad. And it was the polar opposite. She's miserable back there.

There are people squishing on her. They serve her the kosher meal on accident. And he's up front, and they're like. There's a grand piano, chandelier. They sit next to a model. They're serving him ice cream. They're like, do you want anything else, sir? Andy's pinnacle on all things is they serve ice cream.

Like, if this is... Wait, do I get unlimited ice cream at a restaurant? If I'm a king, I demand daily ice cream as my first decree. Just before we move on, I don't think either of you understand how good ice cream is. In my defense. I have told tale to other people of how ice cream obsessed you are and talented like you could genuinely sit down and eat a gallon of ice oh you know it without stopping we just got a picture in our in our chat we use slack and just

what was it yesterday or two days ago we we got this message from Andy that was like, oh, oh no, guys, I did it again. I did it again, and it wasn't even my birthday. We're like, what happened? Are you okay? And then it's just a picture of an empty gallon carton of ice cream. He had a bad football game. This is true.

He was the quarterback. Flag football game. I was eating my paint away, and it was delicious. I'm going to have some more bad games on purpose. But here's the thing. If he had a great game, celebration ice cream. Celebration ice cream for sure. Whatever the case.

All right. Today hasn't really been good or bad. I'm going to need ice cream. I want to eat unlimited ice cream. Is that an option here? All right. Mike, are you taking first class flights? Yeah.

And even with my children in the back. Okay. Sorry. Maybe someday you'll get a cool. Jason, you're going to food. I'll go with the flights unless the caveat's there. I'll go with the food in that case. Oh, what a selfless man you are.

All right. Brian sends this one in from the website spitballerspod.com would you rather have to skip everywhere that you go or have to walk backwards everywhere you go man because skipping look it's not first impressions can be everything. Yes. If you skip up to that business meeting, you skip up to the what age your first day on the job. Because skipping as a child was incredible. And I'm laughing because I had this thing where when I was a kid, I mean, I'm mediocre athletic. I was never the, I mean, I was, I'm mediocre athletic. I was never the best at anything.

I always felt like I could skip so fast. Oh my God. Like a badge of honor. Like fine. You can beat me in a foot race, but let's skip. You want to skip? You want to skip this out? You want to, you want to put the papers down on this skip race? So you're telling me if they had like a 100-meter skip, you'd have been in track.

Gold medalist, world champion. 100-meter skip. Dude, the mile. The mile skip. I just felt like I was floating for at least two seconds between every step. I was just, I was a graceful swan taking flight. The cadence was perfect. Here's the thing that would be really weird with Mike skipping around.

Because, Mike, you have a resting angry face. When people see you and you're just being chill, you're not doing anything at all, everyone's afraid of you. And they complain to HR that you're mad at them. But you've never seen an angry person skipping. No, that's fair. I think maybe that was the problem. I think the day I stopped skipping, that's when the face went angry.

That's when the joy left. I wasn't the best skipper anymore. Do people stop skipping solely due to age? Yes. Is the enjoyment of skipping identical at 35 years old? I bet it would be. What if we don't know? I'm imagining having a good skip right now,

and I'm feeling very joyful. Honestly, honest to goodness. It sounds like a good time. This isn't even a joke. I think if we go to lunch and we were to skip around, we'd have a blast. But the problem is we're so self-conscious because we'd look so stupid.

Everyone would be like, why are those grown men skipping? The next great P90X phenomenon. Skipping? It's Skipbo. I really genuinely think we should skip today. And Spinwads, you guys should skip today. Don't care what people think about you.

Just skip. I'm totally with that because I live the life of I'm not going to care what what people think about you just skip i'm i'm totally with that because i live the life of i'm not going to care what other people think but i believe that if we were the three of us were out at lunch skipping for the onlookers that would totally turn into a see something say something moment like we would be reported to the authorities. Three grown men. There are three grown men. They're skipping in circles. Is there any chance, any chance whatsoever that other people join us? Join.

That maybe you- We start a movement? You start a movement. Like, people look at how happy we look, and they go, yeah, I've been skipped, too. Has anybody ever Forrest Gumped across the United States? I'm sure they have. But skipped? No. Has anybody ever Forrest Gumped across the United States but skipped a skip across America there's no way that's happened

can you imagine skipping through the Rockies why do I feel like Al Borland's never skipped I think you would avoid the Rockies if you're going across if you're walking, running, jogging, skipping I'm going to go ahead and chart my path to not go through the Rockies then you're going through the Sonoran Desert.

That's fine. Al Borland, have you ever skipped before? I have, yes. Recently, actually. Just a couple days ago, I was skipping with my son. Were you skipping with the boy? I was. I was trying to teach him how to skip.

How did you feel? Great. Very joyful. Very joyful. Also very out of shape. Who was faster, you or the boy? I was. Yeah. That's right. Remember was faster, you or the boy? I was. Yeah, that's right.

Remember that, kids. I'm not going to lose that race. I will skip you into the ground. What muscles get worked out if you walk backwards everywhere? When you're walking? We haven't even talked about walking backwards. Your glutes? Well, I'm just trying to figure out.

I feel like you use your glutes a lot when you walk backwards. Like runners, you know, they got calves and they got, like what? You got big shins? Like huge shins. Yeah. They have a good badonkadonk. Walking backwards, building up those glutes. If there's two guys skipping and one guy walking backwards into a restaurant, do people just run?

I'm, look, I. Excuse me, excuse me. We'd get to the front of the line. This is. Yeah, we would. Here's the deal. If you got to the front of the line. This is... Yeah, we would. Here's the deal. If you've got to choose one of these, you have to. I really think, I genuinely think you are liberating yourself to allow yourself to get

back to skipping again. Yeah. Walking backwards is way less fun than skipping. Walking backwards is stupid. Yeah. You're going to trip and fall all the time. Yeah. And be very slow.

Yeah. And as we know, I skip very fast. There's part of me that thinks I would turn incorrectly if I was walking backwards. I would turn the opposite way, you know? Would you wear all your clothes backwards like the backwards man? The backwards man, the backwards man. Criss-cross?

Yeah. Because then it looks like you're walking forward. Like a weirdo. You got your suit and tie on your back. But then you have to put a face on the back of your head. No, you just put sunglasses. You just put sunglasses over the ears. Like, here comes a wolf man.

It's a hairy face. I'm going to skip. I think we're all going to skip. Yes. Sound good? Yep. I think we're all going to skip. Yes.

Sound good? Yep. The Spitballers Draft. All right, we're doing a fun one today. Here's the task at hand, and I'm not sure I'm glad that I have the first pick today because I think there are so many different ways this could go. So we are creating the most entertaining action movie possible by casting the following roles. Hero, villain, love interest, and a sidekick.

So you can draft them in any order. This is very similar to when we did a mock draft a few episodes ago of your perfect four-course meal. Right. Only we're drafting actors and actresses to play these roles. And you're trying to build a blockbuster here by drafting a hero, an actor to play a hero, a villain, a love interest, and a sidekick. So that is the task at hand. Are you guys excited about this one?

I am a little excited. I'm a little nervous. Yes. There is – so I've basically got two – like when I excited about this one? I am a little excited. I'm a little nervous. Yes. There is. So I've basically got two. Like when I thought about this, I was like, okay, I've got two people for each category. Problem is there are three that will be picked and I don't have backup. So if you guys take mine, I'm going to be tilting my face off.

All right. And it's tough because it's like I have a first pick and I could go with a hero that I think the best actor to play a hero. Or I could go with a villain and take somebody away from you guys. I'm going to go with the hero. Okay. Okay. I thought about it a bunch of different ways, but my number one pick, the hero in my movie, it's going to be The Rock. I'm going to take The Rock as my hero.

He would have been my first pick. Would he? That makes me feel good because I thought I could really mess this up. But at the end of the day, I want that hero. He's funny. He's got what it takes. He's charismatic. He's big.

And why I was going to go with The Rock, one, I mean, he's the biggest action hero currently. And then I was thinking of, I'm actually going to make a movie. And I don't want no situation where, what was the movie where Sean Connery, it was Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Oh, Entrapment.

Yeah, Entrapment. Fantastic film. And it was Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Oh, entrapment. Yeah, entrapment. Fantastic film. It was Sean Connery who was, at the time of the filming, was 95 years old, and he was getting smoochy-smoochy with Catherine Zeta-Jones, and it was just really off-putting. It was awful. Because, like, oh, I want a big action star.

I want to take Arnold. Well, I can't take Arnold. No. No, no, no, no. So that was factoring into my decision. So now you'd have to take. Catherine Zeta-Jones wouldn't be upset with The Rock. The love interest that you'd pick if you took Arnold, you'd have to select like Meryl Streep.

Be Arthur. Meryl Streep. Be Arthur, yes. Unfortunately, that was your official first pick. All right, Jason. No. All right. B. Arthur.

So you got some star power. Yeah, I'm going with The Rock. And now I've got to wait a little while. And the caveat here is it's like once you take one of the four, you don't need it again. So we're going to have to play some strategy here. But I'm going with The Rock. I think that I have three powerhouse actress for my villain

oh yeah i have three as well i literally have zero i have no i three and they all crush so i'm not gonna go from there because i'll be perfectly you can take them last if you need to so i'm gonna go i want some star power for my lead actress role so I think she is the biggest actress. What's the word I'm thinking? She is the face. She is the lead actress right now. Would be a great love interest. And she also kicks massive butt.

Yeah, that's one of the prereqs for me. I want that love interest to kick massive butt. She could be the action hero. And that's Jennifer Lawrence. Yeah, I's one of the prereqs for me. I want that love interest to kick massive butt. Like, she could be the action hero. And that's Jennifer Lawrence. Yeah, I understand that. I understand that. She was at the top of my list, too. So J-Law is in the house, kicking butt, taking names.

And now she's gone. Now she's on your team. Yes, I'm very happy with this pick. All right, Jason, you get two picks, and you have to decide. So we've got one hero off the board. We've got one love interest lead actress off the board so i could take the number one villain and the number one sidekick you could yes you could but based on your history of picking you might end up with like the number eight the problem is i don't have a single villain i don't have one actor that i that i think that

i love it that's who i want How do you not have a villain? Well, we're going to find out how easiest one. Yeah, I have three that I love. Well, good. You can trade me one. All right. So who are you taking with your number one overall pick in this draft? So I'm not going to take the sidekick and the villain, even though that's the better

strategy. Okay. I want the person that you guys denied me of in my best friend list. Tim Allen. No. Oh, yeah. For my hero, I'm taking. Wait, wait, wait.

So your category is hero. Hero. Okay. I'm going hero. I am going Chris Pratt. That's a great choice. That's a good choice. I mean, he is the best.

He's funny. If you don't like Chris Pratt, if you're out there and you're like, I don't really care for Chris Pratt, nobody likes you. You are a horrible person. Wow. Chris Pratt is beloved by all. If you like funny, if you like fit, if you like serious whatever and i don't think that you're i mean the strategy yes you could have had the number one villain or sidekick but

you know mike hasn't taken a hero yet right and so you if you think that chris pratt is in that upper echelon you got to grab him so now i've got i've got i've got a decision yeah so i can take the number one sidekick or or I could take the love interest, and I'm tempted to take the love interest only to keep Andy's away from him. If you take the love interest that I want for my team, I may not finish the draft. I may walk off set.

Perfect. I expect it to last to get to me, but if she doesn't, I'll be disappointed. So here's the thing. When we had the food version, I needed my mashed potatoes. And Andy, you stole my mashed potatoes away from my plate. This is pure vindictiveness. The most tilted draft you have ever had.

Everything is a vengeful pick for you. Yeah, and somehow I can't come up with the villain. Jason Moore is my villain. I am going to select Andy's favorite, Margot Robbie. Oh, okay. She is my... Oh, it didn't put him on tilt? It didn't put me on tilt because...

She wasn't my pick! Unbelievable. She's a wonderful pick. All right. She's a wonderful... I mean,'s a wonder i i mean i should have look yeah she fits the bill she's wonderful she's not as wonderful as my pick oh all right i'm very intrigued i am too well i don't have to make my pick till the end now which is awesome because you guys both picked your love interests uh i get to take my hero i mean I mean, don't get me wrong. If you know me, you know I'm a big Margot Robbie fan. I do, I do.

Wonderful actress. But I'm pretty happy with who I got as my love interest later on. So we'll see. So right now, Jason, your two picks are Chris Pratt and Margot Robbie. Mike, you have Jennifer Lawrence. Yes. So I'm going to go. I'm going to pull. Mike, you have Jennifer Lawrence. Yes. So I'm going to go... I'm going to... I'm going to play

the game, so I'm going to either take the sidekick or the villain. I'm so torn with the villains because they're all so amazing. I wish I could pack all three of them in. Assemble a magical combination yeah and i think there are two that are amazing i really don't think you'll take either one

so i'm gonna play the game of you're gonna wait i'm gonna let a villain come back are you taking a hero no oh yeah you gotta wait till the end all right so you're gonna be my last pick of the draft yeah go for it i going to take the sidekick. Man, if I get the hero, well, I will get the hero. The hero I want and the sidekick I want, it's just going to be too much lovable man. I know who your sidekick is now. No, you don't.

Yeah, I do. Really? I think so. I'll write it down. Yeah, you write it down. I'm taking another American treasure of the silver screen, and I'm going to take Paul Rudd. Oh, he got it.

That's a great guess. He wrote it down. Paul Rudd, he is prototypical perfect sidekick. Paul Rudd is great because he can play any role. Paul Rudd could be the love interest. He could be the hero. In fairness, he's always Paul Rudd. He plays Paul Rudd is great because he can play any role. Paul Rudd could be the love interest. He could be the hero. In fairness, he's always Paul Rudd. He plays Paul Rudd.

That is true. And it's great. So when you say he can play any role, no, you can put Paul Rudd in any role. That's fine. Paul Rudd's my sidekick. All right. That's great. That was my number one sidekick pick. So that being said, that means I need to move.

I only have two sidekicks written down that i want you taking paul right away i'm gonna take the other one right here right now uh and then i'll probably and then i'll be taking my villain and just picking one of the hilarious is if your sidekick is actually my hero and that's gonna stop i promise he's not my sidekick for this movie is jonah hill oh jon Jonah Hill is going to be my sidekick. That's a great one. He will come along with me, or The Rock, and he will do very little to help.

He'll have an insider, too, towards the end of the movie that actually helps The Rock. He may sit out a couple of the fights. Right. But he will be comedic relief. I'm making a movie I want to enjoy and jonah hill as the sidekick i would enjoy that very very much yeah i have a psychic written down here that was my i know you guys won't draft him and so i want to enjoy the movie he was like if if you guys grab

my guys i'll just take him so i'm gonna go with jonah hill as my sidekick and now i'm gonna move on to a villain i'm gonna go with who i think is just an outstanding combination and there there are several good picks here i'm going with gary oldman gary oldman is going to be my villain of fifth element fame and many many other movies he plays he's just such a compelling villain actor i am plays an evil guy so well uh frequently when i'm going to sleep i'll find a movie i want to watch and it will turn into like i it takes me many days to watch this movie i'm halfway through the fifth element right of course you are because every person on this planet right now should be at some point through the fifth element today. You should be a quarter of the way through, halfway through.

It doesn't matter. So my villain, Gary Oldman, there were a number of guys I liked. We'll bring them up after the draft. But obviously, I didn't steal one of yours, Mike. You're back on the clock. You can go with your villain. You can go with your hero. So where I'm torn is just in the event that somehow my the guy i've pegged as my hero somehow turns into jason's sidekick and that would be horrifying uh jay who's your hero

it's your sidekick chris pratt chris is here okay chris pratt but i have the villain I really, really want. But I'll save that for last, just in case, because I don't want a mashed potato situation over here. Like I said, there's going to be just way too much lovable man inside of my action movie. I'm taking Ryan Reynolds as my action hero. Combo him and Paul Rudd.

The cuteness factor is off the charts. They're also all your love interests. Yes. Okay, so you're going Ryan Reynolds, and you have Jennifer Lawrence, and you have Paul Rudd. And Paul Rudd, yes. Yeah, there is a very likability factor to your team. No doubt about it.

Just wait until the villain comes out. Yeah. All right, so Jason, you have your final two picks of the draft he is furiously typing on his keyboard he doesn't know how can you not have any villain because here's the thing all my favorite villains are they one-offs they're no no like people that were just villains once well like uh philip seymour hoffman sure. Unfortunately, he cannot make a movie with us. I don't think that's against... You think we can take any timeline?

Yeah, I would say so. Because you were saying if you took Arnold, you'd have old Arnold now. But that's my... Yeah, no, I get what you're saying. Because you're putting a movie out right now. I guess we better stick with it. That's how we thought about it. You talk about...

All right, look. Hey, I'm super happy you guys didn't take my sidekick. I probably should have taken him with the first pick in the draft. Let's hear it. My backup plan was Zach Galifianakis. We were going to go crazy.

That makes sense. Have a wacky role. I think the combo of Chris Pratt with Kevin Hart is going to be awesome. I mean, okay. So you're going Kevin Hart sidekick. Kevin Hart is the sidekick. Wow.

I did not see that coming. It's going to be a blast. Yeah, you're having some, the comedic factor is there. Yes. So now, now for the villain, I i'm gonna share what's in my mind what's in your heart what's in my heart i'm i'm wondering do i go big name right yeah votes like a a nick cage type of guy that's like everybody everybody knows nick cage he would be i mean i think even people that love Nick Cage now hate Nick Cage

just because, you know, it's fun. It's fun to dislike. But I'm going to go... Nick Cage loves to work. He loves to make movies. He loves to work. All right, so who's your villain? I got to give a shout out to Tim Roth.

Tim Roth is one of the best villain actors of all time. But I don't think he's... Andy doesn't know Tim Roth. No, I absolutely know who he is, but I... Is he... He was the abomination in the Hulk movie. Yes, he was also in Rob Roy. He was unbelievable. I was still making sure he was alive. Did you just make a

Rob Roy reference? I did. I was worried that he had passed on. I was confusing him with somebody else. I'm going to take a guy that I think at first glance, people aren't going to know who it is. They might not know his name. When they Google it, they'll go, best villain of all time. It's Christoph Waltz.

I know who you're talking about. Yes. I know who you're talking about. It's Hans Landa from Inglourious Bastards. The great... I mean, he is so subtle. It doesn't help. People are going to Google his name is Chris Glorfis.

His name is spelled C-H-R-I-S-T-O-P-H. Glorfis, Glorfis Markos. Glorfis Walter. Now, when you were trying to find his name. Yes. How many inputs to Google did it take you to find him? It took me two, but I got there with Inglourious Bastards IMDb. All right.

Oh, man. What's funny to me is that you have this combination of, like, he's a serious villain actor. And then you've got, like, Chris Pratt and Kevin Hart running around on the other side of this thing. is that you have this combination of... Like, he's a serious villain actor. And then you've got Chris Pratt and Kevin Hart running around on the other side of this thing. Oh, it's going to be a... He's going to be very offended with their... A blockbuster. All right.

Mine is going to be very similar to that. Give me your... So my team, my hero is Chris Pratt with a sidekick of Kevin Hart, Margot Robbie, love interest, andoph waltz uh for the villain all right i'm pretty sure i know who your villain is mike or did you write it down yep all right uh my villain is one of the oh you know what never mind i don't think you're gonna no because of the rules we said earlier uh see where i'm going I'm going with one of the greatest modern actors,

one of the best method actors currently making movies today. He has Drinking Your Milkshake. I'm taking Daniel Day-Lewis. That's a good pick. That's a great pick. He is retired. Not for this movie. But he's not dead, so you're good.

I thought you were going to go Alan Rickman, which is on my short list, but obviously he recently passed. Yeah, it was him and Philip Seymour Hoffman were my favorite two. Yeah, they're great. They're great. So that's a good pick, Mike. Your team is... So my pick, I got Ryan Reynolds and Paul Rudd chumming it up. Jennifer Lawrence

there kicking butt, being hilarious as well. And then Daniel Day-Lewis just with an intensity that cannot be matched. No doubt about it. That's a good team. Right now I have The Rock as my hero. Jonah Hill as my sidekick. Gary Oldman as my villain. I need a love interest.

I mentioned Jason seems so disappointed that he didn't break my heart with Margot Robbie. Because I'm not a gigantic Margot Robbie fan. And that's what you get for pure vengeance picking. Yeah, sure. I am very let down. I regret my Margot Robbie pick. Here's the deal. I had decided before this draft that I wanted my love interest to not just be a love interest.

I wanted her to, like Jennifer Lawrence, kick. Multifaceted. Multifaceted.aceted kick some serious butt okay this actress has always kicked serious but uh in fact mike's halfway through watching her movie right now i'm going with mia jovovich wow, Resident Evil. About to come out. With Resident Evil 15? No, she's about to be the main bad guy in Hellboy, the new Hellboy movie. Oh, yes, yes. So somehow never aging.

And so Mia Jovovich is going to be my love interest pick. It's not bad. And we'll see how that goes. So that rounds out my team. For a second, you were going Uma Thurman? Uma Thurman. I was going to be so happy. Hard pass.

Poison Ivy's making no appearance on my team. So the other two villains that I have ready to go. Jack Nicholson? Nope. Oh, okay. Wasn't on my list. He just. He's a little bit.

Yeah. His time has come. He was amazing. But John Malkovich. Yep. Oh, that's a good one. And Brian Cranston. Oh, he would have been good. He's got the voice for it. He was amazed. But John Malkovich. Yep. Oh, that's a good one. And Brian Cranston. Oh, he would have been good.

He's got the voice for it. Those are great. Brian Cranston. I don't know if he has. What's funny is we all know who he is, and we all know all of his work. But can you remember his name? Yeah, that's a good point. Christoph Glorpis McGillicuddy.

When we post the poll, please, in parentheses after his name, say Google it. Kristoff Glorpis McGillicuddy. When we post the poll, please, in parentheses after his name, say Google it. That's a good way to start a poll. When you post these out, post them in the same. Don't post them in draft order. Post them in hero like that. Hero, villain. Post them together so that people can look at them, decide on their own.

The one hero that wasn't drafted that was on my short list. If I didn't have the first pick and somebody took the rock away, I was going to go with Chris Hemsworth. That's good. That's a great pick. He is a hero. I have a hero that I wrote down. He's who I want to be. Sure. I just want to be him. Set every man. But for me, the guy that i wrote down that i was actually

kind of proud i came up with because he's he's never been in an action role that i can remember but i feel like bradley cooper would crush as like an action star probably would what's the closest he's gotten like limitless yeah what movie he was shredded in some movie i think he's always shredded is that the bradley cooper from apparently all right what'd you learn on today's show gentlemen i know what i learned i learned that russians cannot whisper yes i learned that jason will make macaroni and cheese in any size pot, pan, or saucer. I will eat them here or there. I will eat them.

And I learned that I do not need to be ashamed to skip and find joy, and I'm going to skip across America. Good for you. Who's coming with me? All right. Go to YouTube. Make sure you subscribe. Click the bell so you can see the premiere next week. Thank you for joining us, for listening, for supporting the show.

Looking forward to next week, guys. Goodbye. Bye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com. Don't forget spit wads. If you want to help support this show and get access to the entire archive, you can go to spitballerspod.com and click become a spit wad.

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