Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 44: Naked In Macy’s & The Best Road Trip Snacks - Spitballers Funny Podcast

Episode Date: April 22, 2019

Today in the ‘Situation Room’, Mike finds himself naked in the middle of Macy’s. The fellas also plan a lucrative art museum heist and in the middle of it, we take a break to find out everything Jason knows about France in 60 seconds. Plus - Would you rather only understand half of what your spouse says, or half of what your children say? We put the lid on the show with a draft of the best snacks for a long road trip. Hop in and come along for a ride with The Spitballers Podcast! Connect with the show: Visit us on the web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, spit wads, when you run out of this great show and you're like, I want more shows, you can get access to our entire archive at spitballerspod.com. You can become an official spit wad of our Patreon, have access to everything we've ever made, ad free at spitballerspod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. You sounded like you were fighting somebody. In my mind. I mean, I was ready. I was rolling. Yeah, yeah! Skip, skip, skip!

Get a bit! Skip-a-la-ba-do-ba-doo! Right cross! That was very aggressive. It was. Aggressive and impressive. Thank you. Welcome into the Spitballers Podcast. Andy, Mike mike and jason back again al borland is here al how are you doing this fine day

i am great how are you i'm good i'm good we're gonna have some fun today back again it's your favorite day of the week it's your he told you he was great and you came back with a I'm good. Yeah. And then Al Bornley did not follow up with, oh, you're only good? Like, what's happened? I mean. He only says three or four words at a time. He's also selfish.

He didn't even bother to check on his friend. He has no concern for us in any way. It's just all about the show. Yeah. All about the show. Hey, thanks, everybody everybody for a great YouTube debut. Oh, that was sensational. Last week, all the

future full episodes will be on YouTube. We'll also have some shareable snippets. That's what Al Borland wrote in here. Shareable snippets? Honestly, that sounds delicious. It does. I was gonna say. And I want some immediately. Is that like bugles? Bugles are shareable little snippets.

Oh, I see what you did over there. Spoiler alert. Yeah. Okay. I feel like you unintentionally did that. Did you ever put the Bugles on your fingers? Of course I did. I was the Wicked Witch of the West.

You put them on and then went around the house saying. You didn't? You didn't go around going, kiddies got claws. I couldn't do that because once they were on my fingers, they were in my belly. So I never had the claws for long enough to talk about the claws.

He did eat his fingers multiple times. Over under injuries. Oh. I'm going to set the line at three. Oh, he bit himself more than three times. If it was... Bugles on fingers. If it was per bag of beagles,

then you would be right. Otherwise, it's definitely over. About three was the average per bag. My bugles came with little sausages. And fingernails. You can go to YouTube.com slash Spitballers to check out the video product, the Twitter. You can send us your questions, your would-you-rathers, your situation rooms, which we're doing today. You can do that on YouTube as well.

Your draft ideas. Yeah, you should. Put them in the comments of the show. You can also send them over at SpitballersPod on Twitter. SpitballersPod.com is the website. We're on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, everywhere. I mean, we are your weekly dose of absolute nonsense. That's what I've heard.

And we appreciate your reviews, your kind words, your support. So let's read one. Review-a-saurus rags. This one comes in from PapaSquat1975. Oh, that's classic. Five stars.

It's a good year for squatting. Titled, Poop is funny, period. I use this podcast to prove to my wife that poop is funny and that all of my poop talk with the kids is actually preparing them for potential careers. Oh, no. I'm an amazing parent. Yes, you are, Papa Squat. Yes, you are.

This reminds me very much. That's a five-star brag from this parent. You guys are familiar with the far side, you are. This reminds me very much. That's a five-star brag from this parent. You guys are familiar with The Far Side, of course. Oh, I loved The Far Side. The classic comic. Loved it. I'm going to have to Google a reminder. You'll remember.

My favorite comic growing up was The Far Side. Gary Larson? Yes. Is that who made it? Yes. And he had one where there are two parents watching their child play Nintendo, and then it has the thought bubble and inside of the thought bubble is just countless news uh article not articles but uh

help wanted ads like we need someone who can save the princess 275 000 a year and just all these things related to the nintendo my parents framed that for me yes and gave it to me and here you are well i mean the joke was on them i actually made money making video games for a little bit and now i just talk about poop so on the last show you did call out your brother-in-law your mother and your sister and i've looked over the show doc the reign of terror is not going to say it's going to happen so did any of them catch wind last week did your mom uh mom get on board with the career you've made making poop jokes? The mom has not heard, but I did hear from the brother-in-law.

Oh, no. That's the worst one. He called me up, and we had... Oh, just out of the blue? He heard it, and then you got a phone call. Well, he calls me up. I'm like, oh, hey, what's up, man? He says, you know what you did.

Look, no one is safe on this show. But we had a great conversation because then he proceeded to tell me about how at work he had sweated through not only his shirt but also his jacket. His jacket? Oh, I told you, man. How do you sweat through a jacket? That's incredible. I feel like this is a Captain America thing. They need to examine him.

He may have powers. I could keep this conversation going, but I won't. All right. Let's jump into conversation going, but I won't. All right. Let's jump into our first segment of the show today. Would you rather. All right. Our first would you rather question of the show. Would you rather only understand half of what your wife is saying or only understand half of what your kids are saying.

Now, do they understand you 100%? Yes. Well, congratulations, Mike. Apparently, you're a better father. In this hypothetical situation, they do. Or regular, however much they understand you now. 10%. I was going to say, I'm a man who struggles with patience.

And the hardest thing is when your kids don't. Maybe it's just when they don't listen. I think they always understand me. I think they just don't listen a lot of the time. But I would say. I hate asking five times for something. Oh, yeah. It's absolutely the worst.

But then the circle continues because I end up doing that to my wife. And she has to ask me to do something five times. She has to ask you five times. And I'm like, what? I didn't hear you four times. Would you still have a wife if you only understood half of what they were saying? Oh. Possibly.

I would have a wife, but I don't know if I'd have a life. I guess the question I should ask Jason is, what is this like? My obituary would say I had a wife who is now in jail. Because here's the crazy thing. And this is so hypocritical of you, wife. Whoa. Yeah, I'm puttingritical of you, wife. Whoa. Yeah. I'm putting my wife on blast.

Wow. For this hypothetical situation. It's like when they get mad for the dream. Exactly. When they get mad for the dream. If she dreams that I've done something wrong, I'm in the doghouse all day. You wake up and look, you shouldn't have done that. But here's why this isn't fair.

Because the first thing I think about when this question comes up is, and my wife will admit to this, she knows it. Sure she does. She's borderline deaf. Oh, okay. When we watch a TV, that thing is cranked up to 99% of what the sound bar can do. You know, if you come over, because if there's, oh man, if there's any accent or any whispering in a show, it's like, I have to wear earmuffs. So do you have put in the little, yeah, you put in some sound muffling. Exactly. How much during the show is the, what did he say?

Oh, all the time. Wait, she says that to you? Can you even enjoy the movie? Or are you just parroting everything that's being said on the television? No, the other day I was standing behind her in the kitchen she's on the couch, we're watching a show and it was three times

in a row, like literally character says a line what do you say? I repeat it. The character says another line, what do you say? I repeat it. Three times in a row and at that point I was like, okay, that's it! And I walked walked around i walked around down and i just cranked the sound up i'm like you need to get i can't watch the show you have to get her the tv ears like for the old people the ones that you put have you not seen that i don't know what you're talking about

look them up right now i'm googling they basically are headphones that hang from your ears, and it lets you jack up the sound. Old people. TV ears. TV ears. Old people. Yeah, you can put the old people part in there. Are you finding anything today? This was an infomercial thing.

Borland, you know what I'm talking about, right? I have no idea. You have no idea. This was a dream. I can imagine that there's wireless headphone setups and things like that, but this must have been something before. So in that situation, your wife understands half of what's on TV. But would you rather only understand half of what she's saying to you?

No. Or only half of what your kids are saying? Well, now, hold on. Does this have what I already understand about my kids? You don't know if it's half or half, do you? No, I don't. I think it's half. You're hearing half of what they say. So if you already hearing i think it's half you're hearing half of what they say but i don't know if you already don't understand half

exactly now you understand a quarter of what they say because you're hearing only half that's rough i feel like i just i'd rather understand everything my wife says my life would go much better yes the boss better yeah i mean there's a clear choice here like if i don't understand what my kids say tough squat kids i'm still in charge and you do here. If I don't understand what my kids say, tough squat, kids. I'm still in charge. But if I don't understand... Do you yell tough squat? Not yet.

I don't think I've given them that one. But from here on out, I'm making a note. In this situation, they could be doing exactly what you want them to do, but you can't understand what they're saying. I'm fine with that. I think that's fine. I like the part where I just can throw everything. Ah, you got to go talk to your mom.

I can't understand half of the things you say. See? Yeah. No, you're right. It's way better. If I didn't understand half of what my wife said, it's over. I'm going to be honest with you. She'd be frustrated.

My wife, she was out late with some friends. They had gone to a theater production a couple nights ago. So she was a little tired. And she took like a 20-minute nap in the afternoon when I was home yesterday. And that was the hardest 20 minutes of my life. So I really need her 100% because I didn't make it 20 minutes. All right. Would you rather be known as the guy who always ruins the surprise at a surprise party or

known as the guy who always goes back for seconds too early? Do you have any stories behind these? Yes. I feel like I'm already like- Oh, this is why you said you read ahead and you knew. Great. A guy that goes back for seconds. You know a guy?

I am. Do you see him in the morning? I see him every morning. As a guy that goes back for seconds. Does he live in your house? He does live in my house. Any guesses? But I don't want to be the guy that goes back for seconds too early.

I'm a hefty eater, but I'm not rude about it. I'm not insensitive to the needs of others. I'm not going to take, you know, the last hamburger if that kid hasn't even eaten yet. He already brought up how considerate he is. Like, if he brings 12 donuts to the office, he doesn't, like, go back for seconds. He brings his own 12 and hides them in his office. We have been over that. Extremely considerate. I want to eat the most.

I will not be defeated. I still want others to look kindly upon me. So what's your story, Mike? So what I was reminded of is he's not the guy who ruins the surprise at the surprise party. Please be your brother-in-law again. No. It's my father.

And he is well known as the surprise ruiner i i guess i can't make this reference to andy because he won't know jason yes you know when the goonies oh when when they want something broken they hand it to chunk right like they hand him the picture frame because they know in about five seconds he'll drop it and he'll break it. I know that if I want a surprise ruined, I tell my dad exactly what's going to happen because I know within two days my children will come up to me and say, well, Grandpa told me that we're going here. So do you need all surprise parties need to also be surprises for your dad? Yes.

Yes. He cannot know about. All parties are surprises for your father. He can't know about the surprise or it will be ruined. So does he ruin it with the accidental casual like, I'll see you Sunday to the person? Like, oh, I'll see you tomorrow. Oh, I mean, never mind. No, he doesn't back up.

He just is oblivious. He doesn't understand what he has just done. Does he know he's this guy? That's a good question. Oh, he knows because I have had several times where he will say something about the impending event, and then I will just stare him in the face. You give him the look? He looks at me with the complete look of a puppy dog.

What? The blank face? What happened? Did I do something wrong? I'm like, Dad, this is the fifth time! Why do I feel like you, being an April Fool's hater, also hate surprise parties? Oh, no. Surprise parties are great. Oh, they are? Yeah. Now, have you had them for yourself? Do you like showing

up being the center of a surprise party? You thought you were going home for a casual night of watching television. Now you're the center of attention for four hours. I have only had one surprise party, and I almost ruined it because my wife planned there was a double surprise party. But it was happening in a different city. It was we had to drive down to Tucson to see my friends because they were down in college and at the last second i was like no i'm not feeling great i don't know if i really want to go suddenly it was really important for you to go it was really important that we head down there

see i have my wife and i we have this big thing that she's upset she's never ever been able to surprise me and she's planned several surprise events you, ever been able to surprise me. And she's planned several surprise events. Because you're a ninja. And I've sniffed them all out by one way or another. In fact, our marriage, our engagement. Did you talk to my dad about some stuff? Yeah, I'm always calling Papa Blabbermouth

and saying, Papa Blabs, what you got for me? Have you heard anything on the DL? Yeah, what's rumbling? What's going on the grapevine? No, but my wife tried to do a surprise party for me for a birthday a long time ago. And at this point, we were just dating. And this was, I turned it into a surprise party for her.

It was a double surprise. You said double surprise. That's what made me. It was, I surprised her. So she had all surprise. You said double surprise. That's what made me. It was. It was. I surprised her. So she had all these friends that were coming for my surprise party. But they all knew that it was a surprise party for her. Yes, because I told them. So all her family and other family members were around the corner.

So as soon as she left to pick me up, she had spent the whole day decorating the house. As soon as she left to pick me up, they all came in. Did they redecorate? Redecorated the whole place. They're double As soon as she left to pick me up, they all came in. Did they redecorate? Redecorated the whole place. They're double agents. Which she was a little bit upset about. Oh, that's funny, though. And then it's so funny because we come in,

and as we open the door, she's so excited for my surprise, not knowing that she's getting trolled here. And as I open the door, she gets so upset because they don't yell surprise. They're all in this big circle, and there's this big banner that's like happy anniversary party or happy engagement party. And then so she comes in. It's just like, you can say surprise.

And then she saw me down on a knee. And the rest is good history. I like that story until the end. Yeah, I know. All right. You win. You sappy molasses. You know what?

You wouldn't have won had you talked to Papa Blabs. Oh, Papa Blabs. Papa Blabs would have been like, so let me see the ring. Let me see the ring. That's exactly the way it would happen. Yes. Oh, let me see the ring. And then she goes, what ring?

And then he goes, you know. Your engagement ring. The engagement ring. That's what I'm saying. It would not be a back off. It would be. He'd lean in. Yeah, you know, from the surprise.

All right, so what was the actual question? Do you want to be the guy that goes back for seconds? Yes. Or the guy that ruins all the surprises? The surprise ruiner. Well, I guess this one is specific to the surprise party. If I get the nickname Blabs, I've got to be the second Skye. I don't want to be Blabs.

I'm going back for seconds too early. Me too. Sorry, child. That burger is mine. All right. Let's jump into the Situation Room. The Situation Room. All right. Here's the situation.

Starting right this second, you are granted three hours of invisibility. How are you making the most of your next three hours? Step one, you better have the world's most accurate timer. You need an atomic clock. Because you're going to run it right up to the limit? Well, first thing you got to do is you got to take off all your clothes. Because to be truly invisible, you must be nude.

So you've got to know when that timer is about to expire. Because your body is invisible, but your clothes are not. Exactly. Can you imagine? The moment you come out of the three hours? You're at Macy's. What are you doing spending your three hours? Parting it's at Macy's?

Is that what you're doing? So in this situation, Mike, you've got three hours to go. You've got to go to Macy's. I've got to take off all my clothes and get to Macy's immediately. I want a sports jacket. Is this like maybe you're too embarrassed to go to Macy's so you're waiting for that moment where you're invisible. That's

exactly it. Oh, I can finally go. You're a closeted Macy's fan. Wow. They got lovely fragrances at Macy's and I'd like to enjoy them. Yes, I get what you're saying. The moment you come out of it, if you're just butt naked in the middle of some public place,

and then you try telling people, you go, no, no, no, I was invisible. I was invisible. This isn't weird. Don't arrest me, officer. The naked person at the building that's saying, I was invisible. Please don't put me in the back of that. I'm actually going to give them a little bit more credit from now on. If this happens in my life and they're screaming I was invisible,

I'm going to take a second and go. Just in case this happens to them. Wait a minute. Maybe you were. Were they invisible? Let me see your timer. Oh, my goodness. So you've got your perfect timer to protect.

We know Mike is going to Macy's. So the first thing that comes to my mind is you've got to go somewhere you're not supposed you're not allowed to be. Well, that would be one. I mean, it's three hours, and it's hard not to go to the devious outcome of being invisible. I'm going to rob a bank! Exactly. The invisible person goes and robs the

bank or goes, I'm going to go play basketball at the arena. I'm just a ghost at Macy's. Yeah, you are. I feel like I would be very tempted to use a large chunk of that three hours trolling and annoying my friends. I would spend one solid hour deep pantsing Jason every few minutes

where he doesn't understand why his pants are down around his ankles all the time. I mean, that's valuable. That's actually something. What would you think? That is a lifelong experience now for Jason.

You think he's going a single day going, are my pants going to hold up? The belt that I buy that following day is legit. It's got a lock and a key on it. Oh, no, you're in a onesie the next day. Oh, yeah.

There you go. You're in a locked up onesie. Got a nice leotard underneath my clothes. It would be just so hard not to troll my friends. All of a sudden, Mike's beard's getting shaved off. Oh, that's just mean. Well, that's true. But you would never know that it was mean.

That's true. You'd just go, my beard's just mean. Well, that's true. But you would never know that it was mean. That's true. You'd just go, my beard's falling out. Until this naked man appears shaving his beard off. My beard would not fall off because I would see a floating razor. Oh, that's actually a solid point. Coming at me. And you would easily be able to step away from said razor. You'd be chased by a floating razor wondering what's happening.

I'll be honest. That floating razor comes close to me. Like, if it's actually coming at me, I'm running screaming. Yes. But then Andy also has to worry about the fact that this is what we started with. Now Andy's coming at me. I'm fully clothed. Andy's in the wind.

Yeah. The giblets are out. Yeah. That's a problem. Always. Yeah. A problem only solved by Macy's. What time of day is this?

He's having the best shopping experience he's ever had. I've never been freer. Are you paying? Are you paying for these items? That's a good question. Otherwise, they're all floating out of the store. You guys are overlooking the... I'm not actually buying anything.

I'm just hanging out there. You're just having a good time. Yes. Right. At Macy's. Have you ever been? the... I'm not actually buying anything. I'm just hanging out there. You're just having a good time. Yes. Right. At Macy's. Have you ever been? No, I'm embarrassed. Exactly.

So what time of day is this? High noon. It's right now. High noon. All right. Right this second. If it's right this second. It's 1130 in the morning.

Literally right now. And this will show like... You can go back for seconds. No problem. Yeah. I'm not there too early the hot dogs are just disappearing um i i mean look this is just this is just true i am right now currently obsessed obsessed and really like my days are are are just bad waiting for

right now we're leading up to an nfl draft and I want to know the inner workings oh you're gonna go spy I am going to risk the the nude reveal at the Arizona Cardinals stadium in the offices that'll be a big risk because you only have three hours to figure out I can get in I can get out I just need one juicy piece of news and then I can go I don't know make a you've got you've got but you got to go to that facility you got to wait by the door until someone opens it and then sneak inside oh i'll open it i mean what it's like what you have a key card yeah you're not invisible with endless keys keychain i'm pretty sure people are going in and out all the time a lot of people work there yeah i mean uh i'm trying to think of a way to make this, whatever I do during this

three hours, last for more than three hours. Benefit me for more than three hours. But I don't know if I can do it. Like the lifelong memories of de-pantsing Jason. Yeah, the lifelong horror Jason has walking around. Got any other ideas? No. I think we solved that problem. Harvey from Twitter

sends in a... Yeah, the answer was clearly go to Macy's and pants people. That's true. Best of both worlds. Best of both worlds. Harvey from Twitter. The three of you are planning a lucrative art heist

from a museum. We're going to need to be invisible. I was going to say that would be really helpful. What is your plan and what is everyone's job? So we are literally going to let's do this white collar crime. We're taking the Mona Lisa. Yep. That's white collar.

I thought white collar is like insider trading. Yeah, but white collar is like the yeah. I mean, this is more like blue collar theft. Well, this is more like blue collar theft. Well, this is more like multicolor. I mean, it's art. If you steal a certain level of painting, it becomes white collar? Correct. Yeah, like if we got the Mona Lisa white collar, if we got Whistler's mother, it's just blue

collar. Really? Yeah, that's a white collar crime. Is that true, Borland? Yes, Borland. Absolutely. The show White Collar on TV used to depict that exact scenario. There was a show called White Collar?

Oh, it was a great show. Yeah, people tried to get me to watch it. It was a bad show. It was a great show. Good television. Good fun. We're on an art heist. Primary objective is our job.

Let's think about this from what do we have to do? Step one. Number one, guys, I'm already at Macy's. I've got the black turtlenecks covered. Okay, so you're getting the wardrobe. I'm getting the wardrobe. I'm going to ask you, you've got to do a little more than that on this job. You can't just be the costume person.

I will also bring the ski masks. Okay, so far so good. I did not know that Macy's sold. So we need disguises. Because you've never been to Macy's. We need a weigh-in. Right? All I heard was, like, step on the scale.

That's all I heard. It's like, we've the scale. We gotta, we gotta have a way. Wait a minute. Why? What is me being one 90 have to do with anything? Uh, here's what we really need.

And this is where I come in. I know. I know art today. I had a big lunch. I know my role. My role will definitely be the distraction. You always need a distraction, right?

So that me and Mike can sneak in in our turtlenecks? Wait, we're going midday? Yeah. I mean, look, to do it right, if you're taking the Mona Lisa, it's not just about getting it. It's about impressing people along the way. It's about, wow. You guys haven't seen, like, Oceans? Oh, I've definitely seen it.

Jason, what country are we going to to get the Mona Lisa? We are going to Italy. What? Tell me everything. Tell me everything. We are going to France. Yes. It's in the loop?

Yes. Ah, I knew where it was, though. Tell me everything you know about France in 60 seconds. First try. Well, France is the home of the Eiffel Tower. France is also the home of French fries. They invented them. And a lot of people don't realize this, the French kiss.

It originated in France between two mimes. Mimes are also French. So mimes were the originators of the French kiss. A lot of people don't realize that. They also have a huge export of diamonds and jewelry. Under France is huge mines for diamonds. Oh! Any cuisine?

In cuisine, well, they only eat French fries and French ship. They have a lot of friendship there. But they call it French ship. Oh, they don't call it French ship. No, we have a good friendship, but if we were in France, we would have a friendship. You know a lot about France. That is.

And the Louvre is there. The Louvre? Yeah, there we go. The Louvre. Yes, the Louvre. There's also Louvre's. Isn't that a French word? I'm going to the Louvre?

The Louvre is the bathroom. Yeah. Isn't that more English? Is it? I think it's English. We're very cultured on this show. Oh, he's got to look it up. You don't know either, Al. We're American.

I didn't hear the question. You're the producer of this show. Jason's the distractor. I have picked up the turtlenecks. I can do something. I'm left getting in, stealing it, andcks. Yeah, thanks. I can do something. So Andy's going in with black turtlenecks and a ski mask in midday. Yeah. So what am I doing?

You're going to jail. Am I the foot speed? Yeah. You're going to jail. We are stealing the Mona Lisa from you. You're the patsy. Yes, exactly. I make the distraction.

You get Andy confident that he can go in and do it. On the way out, while they're arresting him, we sneak out with the Mona Lisa. Job well done. All right. White collar. All right. Well done. Let's draft.

The Spitballers draft. I will say this, and I'm not going to reveal who picked what. What's going on? We don't know who won last week. No, we don't. That's the closest. And Jason and I, with over 9,000 votes at Spitballers Pod, are tied. It's unbelievable.

So we don't even know who's winning. We don't even know. Yeah. We cannot tell until this poll ends. So very exciting. Very close. Who has the first pick today, by the way? Jason.

Jason. Yes, I do. Have we said what we're first pick today, by the way? Jason. Jason. Yes, I do. Have we said what we're drafting? No, I'm about to. We are drafting the best snacks for a long road trip. And I've often said, I tell my wife this, when we go to the convenience stores or the little hole-in-the-wall gas stations on the way to California or some road trip, there are foods that I will only buy. Yeah. When I'm on a road trip. They some road trip there are foods that i will only buy yeah when i'm on a road

trip they are road trip only foods well the the best thing about a road trip is your diet goes out the window oh for sure like it's it's completely gone because you're in a car those calories don't count you're not even in your home zip code you're not even usually in a city you're between cities. Yeah. There's no calories here. There's nothing. There's no laws in between cities.

It's like the ocean where there's no laws. International waters. Right. Exactly. Look, driving, the older I get, the more I enjoy food in general, just as a hobby, not just as like a necessity. It's just like when someone says, hey, do you want to go to the county fair? All I think about is the food.

I'm like, yes, I would like to go eat food around people doing things like the fair suite. That's the whole point of going to the fair is the food. I'm proud of you. So for the drive, I'm thinking to myself, can I be eating from moment one through the end of the drive? Because it will make driving better. Yes, you can. You should. But the hardship, I think, on Andy is that he's going to have a really hard time, both in real life and in this draft, not selecting for his road trip ice cream.

Eating ice cream on the road is rough. It's a difficult snack. It is. Although a strawberry shortcake, I can put that back real quick on the road in one hand. No big deal. All right. So I've got the first pick. Like a snake?

There are certain foods that you're only going to do on a trip. They're not your everyday food. And then there's the best. There's the snack that, like, look, I've got to have it. I need it in my life. I need it on a road trip. I need it everywhere I go. And there's plenty of sweets, plenty of salties,

plenty of different things that I can get later in the draft but there's only one beef jerky okay I was I was wondering if you would screw up the first pit yeah no look look I mean the last few road trips I don't know why I had road trips in my life before realizing beef jerky was a necessity but the last like six or seven we've had beef jerky and I'm not, we've had beef jerky. And I'm not just talking any old beef jerky. I was going to say, how specific? Can I ask this question before we go on?

Yeah. If you say beef jerky, do you get Slim Jims? No, those are different. No, beef jerky. And are we picking, like, if I was to make a selection? He doesn't. He gets all brands. He gets all brands of beef jerky. But a Slim Jim is not a beef jerky.

Right. Yes. Agreed. So I get all of beef jerky. But a Slim Jim is not a beef jerky. Right. Yes. Agreed. So I get all the beef jerky. But just to let people know, not a sponsor, but Old Trapper. That's the one. Old Trapper, you are a magician with the beef. I mean, you make beef like nobody makes beef in jerky form.

You know it's the king of the road trip. If you ever head up from Phoenix to Las Vegas, I know that's very specific, but you see a billboard sign. We got fresh jerky. You see one of those every 0.5 miles. Yeah, you can stop along the way. Anywhere. There's not even a gas station.

Why is beef jerky so expensive? Because it's delicious and it's beef. The free market set the price. Delicious beef. I'm willing to pay. Old Trapper, you're also a master of the finances because your stuff is very expensive. When this draft topic came up, to me, it was exciting

because I didn't feel like there's this consensus out there. Everybody likes different things. There's not a list out there there's no like rotten tomatoes for road trip snacks and so i figured we'd be all over the map but beef jerky is a really good first yes thank you thank you now i'm up yes and i just i still don't know how broad i need to select if i was picking a category do? No. No, you have to pick a specific candy. I have to pick a specific candy. Yes.

All right. In that case, I'm taking corn nuts. Okay. I'm taking corn nuts. It's on my list. That's a great pick. I don't eat corn nuts. They're not a part of my life.

What? It's only a road trip. Oh. Unless. My heart. I'm on a road trip. Corn nuts are a road trip snack. And I've made this very clear.

It's not. I mean, like, I'm taking corn nuts as a whole, but much like you when you said, whatever, Little Trapper. Old Trapper. Old Trapper, sorry. How dare you? The ranch corn nuts are the king of the corn nut family. Yes, they are. They rule the kingdom with deliciousness and vigor. I feel like when those first came out, it was a huge deal.

Everybody loved corn nuts. And then eventually they realized this is only for road trips. You don't eat these in your daily life. Like when you eat the bag of the ranch corn nuts, and then at the end, you look at your fingers, and you've got that powder, that ranch powder all over them. That's a delightful finale. It speaks to the power of the road trip trip because when you're on the road trip,

you are saying, I have never been further away from my dentist. Yes. And yet, I'm going to eat something that is, there is none more dangerous for my teeth right now than these corn nuts. Well, it's a danger that I'm willing to take on, and therefore, corn nuts is my first selection it's it's a good one i've got uh i've got three picks here i'm on i'm on the turn so i gotta go back to back i gotta stay true to my heart and the one thing that i have to have on every single road trip and that was the sour patch kids sour patch they're

spectacular sour patch kids are my favorite well technically my second favorite candy but they're my number one road trip candy like i said the rules when you're a road trip it changes things changes a man being out there on the on the road sour patch kids that's the easy one for me to figure out now number two i've got two options where i love them and i think that they are both actually huge vote getters but i i feel like one is more likely to get back to me but i also think it's the better one okay so i am going to take i want to point out to you that now two minutes ago, you said, I'm going with my heart. Yeah.

Okay. No, that's what I... So which one is the better one? I'm going with Flaming Hot Cheetos. Oh, that's a great one. I don't know why you... Now, is that, again, only road trip universe? And once again, the power of the road trip when you say,

I am none further from a toilet, and yet I will get the flaming hot Cheetos and just ruin my insides. I have had so many road trips where I take chances on the road with my food. That you wouldn't take it home! That I would never take.

I'll say this, it's not just what you choose, it's the quantity. I've eaten. I'm not even ashamed. I've had like three rolls of Starburst consecutively on a road trip. Impressive. I've watched it. Now, road trip is not exclusive to road trip.

Air trip? Air travel when we're in an airport? No, that's true. I mean, we've all traveled the country together, and we've got our backpacks for two reasons. Laptop, got to have it with you. Fill it up with snacks. Plain food. I mean, just plain food, just stuffed with beef jerky and candy.

It does feel like carte blanche to do what you want with your body. You can do anything you want if you're traveling. Anything. All right, so I have to pick a second selection here. And, man. It's close between a few. But I'm going to go with yet another thing I never buy ever.

Or eat ever. Unless I was on the road. And it's convenient for the road. A little too convenient. A little too convenient. I'm going to say Pringles. Okay. No, look.

I don't buy Pringles, but it's a convenient, easy reach in ship. I don't buy them either. But they're good. For the road. They're not just good. They're great. I mean, Pringles are great. So I wanted to take Pringles.

I've got it written down. It's definitely on my short list. Okay. All right. It makes me feel good. I thought to myself, you guys would make fun of me because Pringles aren't usually at the gas station, right? You can't.

They are. You can find them in the small town. They're on the end cap. But not always. I don't feel like they're one of those things that's at every gas station. Maybe I'm wrong and I'm just ignoring Pringles. Well, from now on, you need to take a look because I'm pretty sure they're there. From now on, I will be.

But I know when I am prepping for a road trip, we're going to Disneyland with the family, and we go to the store, and we always have Pringles. Yep. And I'll tell you what, the first two things gone on all of our trips, beef jerky and Pringles. Yeah. I mean, what do you eat first? The best. Yeah.

All right, so I've got two. I am so astounded that Doritos made it back to me. I mean, Doritos, beef jerky, beef jerky, Doritos. Tell me everything you know about Doritos. No. Doritos made it back to me. I mean, Doritos... Doritos, beef jerky... Tell me everything you know about Doritos. Doritos are made of... Now, are you Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese? I'm a Nacho Cheese, but I'm not against Cool Ranch. This is not an anti...

Don't get the wrong impression. Don't hear what I'm not saying. I love Cool Ranch less than I love Nacho Cheese Doritos. And so, yeah, Doritos are the clear second pick in the draft. They got all the way back to me here in the second round. Now it gets a little dicey.

Now I've got to get sweet, have to. And I know what I'm between two, and they're the exact same thing, essentially. So I'll talk it out. Please, please do. Just take as long as you possibly can. It's between the Reese's Cup and the Reese's Pieces. Because I got to have Reese's. Reese's are my jam.

They are the number one of all candy. Reese's Cups are better. Reese's Cups are the best. Yeah, that is true. But on a road trip, a road trip, Reese's Cups are harder to eat. Melty, melty, melty.

You got two or you got four. Yeah. So I think for those reasons, I'm going to stick to what this draft is. I like that. This draft is a road trip draft. And if I'm actually in the store, I would usually grab the Reese's Cups,

but I would grab the Reese's cups, but I would grab the Reese's pieces because I want them to last longer. I want to be able to pop them in my mouth over and over. That's why I went with Pringles over like Ruffles. I don't want to open a big bag and have to navigate that. I just want a can. Oh, speaking of Ruffles and the can and navigating and all that, tell me you drink the end of the Ruffles.

Tell me I'm not alone. I would definitely drink the end of it. When you get to the bottom of the canuffles. Tell me I'm not alone. I would definitely drink the end of the ruffles. When you get to the bottom of the can, there's just a thousand Pringles. Yes, sorry. You said ruffles. I was fearing. You have to drink the end. I apologize to America and the world for saying drinking ruffles.

Some people do drink the end of the ruffles, but they have a problem. We get them referred out. When you're at the end of the Pringles can, and there's like 10,000 little shards. Yes. Oh, you dump that. Oh, yeah. It's actually required. If you read on the container, you have to do that.

Drink at end. Right before it says dispose of properly, once done, there's drink the end. Yes, drink the end. So I don't understand how I've got this good a team already. Beef jerky. So what's your team so far? Beef jerky. Doritos.

Doritos. And Reese's Pieces? That's great. What? But here's the thing. Good as you think. There's a lot of road trip snacks. Yes, there are that are all very delicious. I'm going to draft for my fourth pick. I'm going to draft a lemon and I'm going to win. That's how good these three picks are. Well, you'd fight off scurvy. I'm having a hard time over here. I don't want to give you like 15 minutes. I know. No, no, no. I have selections, but I'm trying not to lead you guys into

something that will help your team. So I'm wondering if I should wait until my next pick. There's one pick that I really do hope gets. I am going with Muddy Buddies. They're on my list. I'm going with Muddy Buddies which means I assume I get the Chex Mix family. Muddy Buddies I assume I get the Chex Mix family.

Muddy Buddies are the captain of the Chex Mix family. You do not get Trail Mix. Right. I agree with that. Okay. But I get Chex Mix. Sure. Those are different. Chex Mix is like Trail Mix.

Chex Mix is not covered in sugar and chocolate. No, it's not. Trail Mix is... But it's Chex. It's got Chex in it. Yeah. Trail Mix does not usually have Chex. Yeah.

Trail Mix is just... Normal trail mix is peanuts, stupid raisins. Muddy Buddies is a sweet. Chex mix is a salty. Correct. I'm taking Muddy Buddies. So I don't see how you would get both of them. Well, here's the thing.

If you draft trail mix, you don't get Chex mix. I don't want either of those. That's my point. Because they both suck. Okay, I went with Muddy Buddies. All right, Muddy Buddies. That's the moral of the story. So what is my team so far? I have Corn Nuts,

I've got Pringles, and I've got Muddy Buddies, and I feel fine. Alright. I think I'm gonna get 100%. I am... Like, I gambled with one to come back, and it came back, because this is one of the kings. There is a king. There is a king of the

road trip. Yes. And that is the sunflower seed. Oh, I'm so happy you took that. The sunflower seeds are fantastic. They are one of the best snacks for when you are driving to keep you awake, and you're not going to get full. You're not going to feel terrible from eating sunflower seeds. What do you do with the seeds on the road?

What are you talking about? You spit them into a cup. The shell, you mean? You're holding a cup. People are really, really into sunflower seeds. They really are. Jason. Yes.

Does your car have a cup holder? Yes. Okay, that's where the cup is. And where is your drink? It's in the other cup holder. And where is your wife's drink? She's holding it because I'm the captain of the cup. Oh, my gosh.

Get bodied, family. While you are driving, if you need them both, and I actually do need my second cup holder because I'm also taking a Slurpee. Oh, that's good. That was on my list for sure. I wasn't sure. See, I wasn't certain we were going to go strictly the snack route.

Yeah, you could. Like only the tangible food product. Why I feel great about a Slurpee is because to properly... When you get the Slurpee, you get a straw, except what's on the edge of that straw? The spoon. A little spoon inferring it's a snack. So it's a loophole because you can eat it. That is correct.

I want to see you driving and then the cup in one hand and the mini spoon straw in the other. I've got my sunflower cup and my Slurpee. A Slurpee makes sense, but I'm glad you took it because now I don't have to think about taking it. You've got a solid team. Yeah, it's okay. What's funny is I've looked in the time from the beginning of this draft,

and I've looked at some people's lists of what they like to bring on road trips, and I couldn't help but laugh to myself when I read things like carrots and grapes. What? Losers. Where's the ranch? Oh, my goodness. For the carrots. Yeah, hummus and celery.

No. Here's what I'm going with. Nerd alert. What are you, at home? My final pick. That's true. My final pick is popcorn. My final pick is popcorn.

Enjoy the road trip picking them out of your teeth. Oh, I will enjoy that, Mike. Thank you. Jason, will you? Wait, did you just say picking them out of your teeth says the man who has to navigate a miniature sunflower seed with his teeth and spit it out every two seconds? So what is 100% minus 100 i get caramel corn i get popcorn and i get uh cheesy corn that's fine that's fine you get them all what is al al borland what is 100 minus i assume mike will

vote for himself and andy will vote for himself so minus two what percentage will that probably be that'll still be 100 on on Twitter because two votes. All right. Wow, this is going to suck when you lose. I'm not losing this. No way. Do you have a final pick? I don't need it, but okay.

You said you were taking a lemon. I'm taking honey roasted peanuts, my friends. That's a really good pick. That's way better than popcorn. Yeah, it is. I mean, not just peanuts, which are like, honey roasted, covered in the salt and sugar goodness. I don't even know what it is, but it's full of calories.

They don't count on the road. You know, at first I was really upset that you did that because it is a good pick and they are delicious. But then I realized when push comes to shove, if I walked in, if I wanted to eat something on the road, I would eat popcorn over honey roasted peanuts. This is the best part about this draft. This is a true heart. This is a heart.

I have a heart draft here because I had a heart problem after you eat them. Sure. I've had a heart problem since I was like 13. No, these are the four I would pick. I feel like I just got the first four picks. I mean, a slurpy. I got three of my four. So this is really...

And Andy's happy with his. We're all happy with our draft. Read off your team, Jay. My team, I've got beef jerky, Doritos, what's my third pick? Reese's Pieces. And honey... The Reese's Pieces is your downfall. What? I said no one ever!

It's your downfall. What? Said no one ever. It's your downfall. And honey roasted peanuts. I got corn nuts, Pringles, Mighty Buddies, and popcorn. Mike. Sour Patch Kids, sunflower seeds, flaming hot Cheetos, and a Slurpee. Well, you're the most refreshed of the group. What did you guys learn today on the show? Make sure you vote, by the way, at Spitballers Pod.

Preferably not for Jason. Make sure you vote, by the way, at SpitballersPod. Preferably not for Jason. I learned that apparently there's some part of my subconscious that really likes Macy's. I learned that you can sweat through a jacket. I learned that if I've got a secret, Papa Blabs ain't getting it out of me. I'm not telling him nothing. Thanks for joining us.

Thanks for supporting the show. YouTube.com slash Spitballers if you want to watch it. We will see telling him nothing. Thanks for joining us. Thanks for supporting the show. YouTube.com slash spitballers if you want to watch it. We will see you next time. Goodbye. Goodbye. Bye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballersPod.com. Don't forget, Spitwads, if you want to help support this show and get access to the entire archive,

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