Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 46: Talking at the Urinal and the Best TV Shows to Binge Watch - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: May 6, 2019

On today's show, we find out why Mike won't waste his time being courteous to sneezers or answering a text message at 8:01pm. Jason, on the other hand, is far more courteous after a fart than one would expect. We also discuss the unspoken rules of talking at the urinals, the world's longest hair and fingernails, and eating food in the grocery store before you pay for it. We ice this cake with a draft of the most binge-worthy TV shows. Enjoy another hilarious episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Visit us on the web - https://www.spitballerspod.com Follow us on Twitter - https://twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/spitballerspod/ Subscribe on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/spitballers Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, spit wads, when you run out of this great show and you're like, I want more shows, you can get access to our entire archive at spitballerspod.com. You can become an official spit wad of our Patreon, have access to everything we've ever made ad free at spitballerspod.com. what happens when three buffoons give life advice explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve it's the spitballers podcast with andy mike and Never heard that before, have you? Oh, I really enjoyed it, though. Thought you were going to miss it? Thought you were coming in too late? Upgrade it. Leave the people wanting, Jason.

And then deliver. Yes. Oh, you... You got to deliver. You can't leave them wanting. Just leave them wanting. I was about to take a bad piece of advice there. I heard you wanted a pizza.

I always... It's not coming. What went to my head right away is the idea of like the new Avengers movie and everybody gets in the theater and then it just never comes on. But when I worked for a movie theater, I once wondered. I've wondered this. If you could put on a permanent trailer reel how long would people sit oh my goodness what a great social experiment because

you know how it is you get in there and there's 20 25 minutes of trailers and you get to the last trailer too and you're like i'm never gonna see this movie but if you just kept the trailers going like for how long would it take 45 minutes but at least what you gotta do i mean you gotta put the the total pump fake in there you gotta put so you have the movie trailers going and you finally get to then oh you get like the theater movie theater trailer for the movie theater where they're like thanks for being already here it's your fault you already got my money like it's fine i'm. And then you go right back into more movie trailers. And then after the movie trailers, after

that, you do a second pump fake where it's like, okay, now the Paramount stars are flying in like, okay, this is the real movie now. The lights dim down. More trailers. Yes. The screen widens. How long could you go? Oh, and then you go to credits. You go straight

to credits after. Anybody that's there after an hour and a half, you get credits. Wow. You get a lot of credit for sure. You've got my respect. That would be a very fun social experiment to convince somebody. We've got a platform here.

We've got a lot of people listening. I think we've had nearly two million downloads. Thank you, Spitwads. But someone out there has got to lot of people listening. I think we've had nearly 2 million downloads. Thank you, Spitwads. But someone out there has got to run a movie theater. The what would you do people need to go in there, flex their muscle, and get this done. Yeah. All right. Ruin three hours for several people.

Welcome to the Spitballers podcast, your weekly dose of absolute nonsense. We've got a great show for you today. We have a would you rather segment. We have a that's a great question segment. We have a Would You Rather segment. We have a That's a Great Question segment. We have a good draft for you. Very excited. Very excited to be here with you. Very excited.

It's going to be a good time. Thanks to everybody out there who is subscribing. Why are you sighing? It's an exhale of anticipation. That was more like relief. It's done. No, it's like, let's do this. Let's go exhale of anticipation. It's just... That was more like relief. It's done. No, it's like, let's do this. Let's go.

All right. At SpitballersPod on Twitter, if you want to send in your ideas and your questions for the show, we appreciate everybody out there in the Spitwild community. All the great ideas, the draft ideas. Make sure you leave those comments on YouTube. That's another place we go through. We read them.

We implement them into the show. And you really are the brains behind the brawn. We read them. We implement them into the show. You really are the brains behind the brawn. We're the brawn, obviously. Well, I am. Yes, Jason is. Jason is the brawniest. Fat and shredded. Fat and shredded on brand.

YouTube.com slash spitballers if you want to head over there. We do appreciate everybody subscribing on Apple Podcasts and reviewing on Apple Podcasts. It really helps the show out. Anything else going on, guys? Are you ready to get into it? I'm excited. Help the people.

I'm really excited to get in. Hold on. Would you rather? You know, I did work out right before this show. That's true. I'm proud of you. I'm a little tired. So maybe that exhale had to do with just...

There's a strange flex going on over there. Just explaining away the sigh. Guys. It was my muscles sighing. It was all of my muscles. If I'm not as funny, it's because I totally blasted my glutes right before we got here. I'm so swole right now. Get on YouTube. In case something seems seems awry it's due to my workout

my sleeves just happen to split and explode off my shirt i work the butt zaps all right ed ed went to the website spitballerspod.com ed sent in a question he said would you rather randomly change in height or weight every hour so every hour on the hour you're either changing in height or you're changing in weight which is a really funny idea i mean this is a bad cinderella situation right or or a bad hulk situation all i'm thinking of now is splitting clothes like this is the whole problem your clothing situation is in either direction is a problem it's a problem for sure but only in one direction can you just be done right like let's say you're going taller or shorter whatever maybe i'm maybe my regular

shirt is now a belly button shirt right you see the high waters yeah and high waters and high waters or even my short shorts are now Jenko shorts if I became way short but if you get way bigger they're exploding off your body or strangling you now you got a size 44 waist now what if

those pants are no longer on you that's 100% true how quickly does the transition happen? Is it snap? Is it Thanos? Boom. I'm humongous. 10 seconds.

Takes 10 seconds. So you see what's going on. You know right away, I'm going up or I'm going down. You got time to unbutton. Now, your clothes could absolutely change with you. I was going to say, to be fair, whenever you sit like Professor Klump and the Naughty Professor, his clothes just change. And you know what?

The aforementioned the Hulk. His pants always manage to stay on. Yeah, when Iron Man or when, who am I thinking of? The one that shrinks, Ant-Man. When he shrinks down, he's not in a giant suit. Well, to be fair, he also has a scientifically engineered suit. All right. The Hulk has a problem. If your clothes change with you, because that would disqualify.

I would always choose the height one because I don't want to end up naked with all my clothes exploding off of me, and then I'm just naked. Okay, so we've got magic clothes here, too. Is this what we're agreeing? Yes. All right. Now I've got to actually think about it. So my clothes and my body are either going to be, I mean-

You're either gaining or losing weight, or you are gaining or losing height. This is tough because I'm shorter than I want to be, like in life. I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. Yeah. But I'm also heavier than I want to be.

So like both of these are the potential for good. Well, you'd like to experience both of those things. I would have a couple hours in every day where I'm like, yes, yes, but which one is more important to me? Would I rather be taller at my weight? I don't know. And do you take advantage of, when you get the height,

getting everything off the top shelf that you need? I'm immediately playing basketball. This is an incredible vanity check for Jason right now. It is. I'm really excited to know the answer. I want to answer this honestly. I really want to dig deep. It is. I'm really excited to know the answer. I want to answer this honestly. I really want to dig deep. I know.

I think I'm going to write down over here what I think I'll choose. Yeah. All right. I know what I would choose. Because of just knowing him for 20 years. I would choose height. That's what I would expect you to pick. Probably because you and Al Borland are the same height.

No, I'm not! He's a short little man! I can barely even see him! Where is Borland? Oh, there's his head. I see him back there. Hi, Borland. Say hi to the spitwads. Hey, spitwads. That sounds like a short guy talking. What does that mean?

I don't know. What would I choose? I think you're looking at it from an advantage standpoint right and i realized i could easily get shorter in this scenario i i would love it if like you choose height right you lock that in and they're like okay it begins tomorrow and the first change you just get like three inches shorter i just keep the second change every time shorter and shorter you're like where's my height i can't reach the doorknob. I imagine it would be more inconvenient to change in weight every hour.

Would that give you carte blanche to eat, though? Especially at the beach. If you're changing weight all the time? Yes. You have carte blanche to eat what you want. That's true, because it does not matter. It won't affect your weight. Oh, then I'm taking the weight.

Oh, man, I've made a terrible mistake. I have really screwed the pooch on this one. Mike and I are going to be eating. What are you going with, Mike? I'm going with weight. What are you talking about? Yeah, okay. Done deal. Jason. No more vegetables for this guy. He'll be dunking over us while we eat our donuts. That's fine.

Alright, Dave from Twitter sent in a would you rather question. He said, would you rather be startled every time someone says hello or have a sneeze attack every time someone says goodbye? Now, hi's and hello's and all the greetings, right? Sure. Yes. So, hey.

And see you later. Goodbye. Bye. Okay. All right. Just needed to establish the ground rules here before we try to skirt them. So I have a terrible problem. We know.

With a lot of them. But prescription antiperspirant is starting to work. Oh, no, that's not me. Jason can speak more to how my brother-in-law may have saved his life with the sweating problem. Wait, did you get a prescription? Yeah, so I did you get a prescription? Yeah, so I did not get a prescription, but I had to. He's over here laughing. He's like, oh, your brother-in-law is so sweaty.

Yeah, I was laughing at your brother-in-law. This is a little down the rabbit hole moment here. So we made fun of your brother-in-law because he's too sweaty, and he's got to have a prescription for how sweaty he is. And so we're laughing at him. And then after that show, I go, wait, I'm super sweaty. I sweat through everything. My entire wardrobe is blacks and dark blues.

I think I've got like a maroon shirt in there because it's all towel material, too, because you don't want giant sweat stains. And it dawns on me. This one's made out of bathrobe. Wait a minute. Maybe I've just got a bad deodorant. Maybe my antiperspirant is not good enough. So I did literally.

Did you send him a text? No, I didn't send him a text. But I need to give him a shout out. A shout out to my sweat bro out there. Because I went and I Googled, like, I don don't know, like really strong antiperspirant. And I literally today. Perspiration pals would have been much better. It would have been.

I apologize to the spit wads for letting you know. Get that domain. Yeah. Just today, I am wearing a brand new super high antiperspirant. Spits are on fire. They're burning. They're just burning. I need this show to end immediately.

It hurts a lot not sweating but burn so i'm gonna have to let people know you know how is it so far so far so good okay what were you talking about we were uh would you rather be startled every time someone says hello or have a sneeze attack so i have uh you said you had a problem. Yes. Whatever instincts are built into my DNA when it comes to being startled, I got the bad lot. You don't like it. No. You'll see videos of stupid idiots thinking they're pulling a funny prank where they jump out and scare someone, and they get punched right in the face. Because that person's natural instinct is, I'm fighting.

Yeah. Normally, people have fight or flight. Well, somewhere in it, my body has crossed those wires, so I just go, like, I look very much like the fainting goats when I get startled. And I whiplash, and I literally hurt my neck almost every single time. Like you're stepping off a curb and you don't know it. Exactly. And that's not going to help me do anything.

I'm not getting away from the problem. I'm not fighting the problem. I'm incurring more pain to my body. So there is a, I cannot possibly take. You're a super startled. You get super startled. I do. We have to have somehow, and this is really, this can't be on us.

And I apologize for what I'm about to say. This has to be between Borland and Andy Holloway here. We have to have a startle off because I will freak out. You saw on the spider reaction. Yeah, but you have an actual body movement. My movement is imperceptible to anyone else. It just happens. You tense up. Yes, exactly. It just happens. You tense up.

Yes, exactly. It just happens on my knees. You pull a hamstring, apparently. Mine is the most funny to everyone else, not to me. It's very embarrassing. It was hilarious. It's excessive. I have a couple videos that, unfortunately,

my boxer's in these videos, so I cannot share them, but where my wife is standing outside of a bathroom or something waiting to scare me as I walk out. And she has the video of it. And she has the video, and it's unbelievable because my scream, which is very... It's high-pitched. I'll try my best to do the legit startle scream.

Every time that I get startled, it's something along the lines of and it's not an exaggeration and i feel so stupid and then i get angry because there's a video recording me at all times because my wife is a monster well that monster should use her text messages and send those my way oh they're on the way um it's funny the sneeze attack one i went to my kid's spring concert last night it's at this big church like their school goes and uses the auditorium of this church and it's filled with people and you sit there and listen to like 900 kids sing that you don't care about and then you

your one kid is singing and you want to pay attention to that song and then these other classes come and you sit there for another two hours. But there was something amiss. I couldn't smell it, but there was some perfume or cologne or flock of cats. Something had been let loose in this auditorium because from the moment I sat in my seat, I couldn't stop. My nose was running. I couldn't breathe. Oh, allergic. I felt like I was going to sneeze.

I had to suppress the sneeze for the duration of this thing. My nose was filling up and I was feeling terrible. A sneeze attack is awful. A sneeze attack is terrible. If I have to go into it, because it reverberates for the next hour. You're all stuffy and nasty and it's embarrassing. And you're that guy that's spreading your phlegm everywhere.

I would rather be startled. I don't have your issues, gentlemen, with being startled. You're lucky. Do I like it? No, because nobody likes it. And do I like horror movies or jump out movies? No, that's stupid. Oh, Mike, that would be like you put in traction.

You go to a horror movie, you'd be like. But I don't. Oh, you know it's coming. Yeah, I don't scare easy. But I startle easy if my body needs to get away from something, but clearly cannot. Do you guys ever, when you sneeze, do you ever have it hurt your throat? Like it feels like your throat got way too wide for a second and it hurts for a long time afterwards. No.

It's just a me problem. That's a you. Sounds like it's just a me problem. Well, someone out there, who's coming with me? Who's got the throat hurt problem? All right. Final question on this. All right.

We said it's any greeting. Hey, hello, whatever. But it's only in the greet. Someone couldn't just stand around and say, Hey, hello. No, no. Okay, well then I'm taking the startle. Because I know this.

I hate being startled. I hate it so much. But usually immediately after, I am crying from my own laughter at myself. I enjoy how stupid I look, and I'm having a great time, and I'm all smiles after that. I'm not all smiles after my throat

hurting sneezes. I would be, if I went to an area where I had to say hi to like 10 people, I would be bedridden for a week. Alright, next question. Alex from Twitter. Would you rather never cut your hair or never cut your fingernails? Hmm.

Hmm. So do you want to be a hippie or a witch? Or Al Borland? Okay. It's almost 2020. Right. We're approaching it. Is hippie really still an insult?

I don't think it's an insult. No. That was an insult 60 years ago. Hippie an insult that was an insult no no 60 years ago hippie hippie hippie means somebody that has really long hair right that's what it means now basically and a beard and uh yeah you know like mike might wear a headband right but i'm saying but it's not an insult like i didn't use it as no it's a classifier it's like you're goth you're a hippie goth well right if you say somebody's goth. Oh, you were giving two separate examples.

Yeah, two separate examples. I thought you were saying you're goth, you're a hippie. If you say somebody's goth in your head. I was like, I've never seen a goth hippie before. I think if you're goth, you probably have spiky hair and you have everything you know about goths in 60 seconds, Jason. Well, the goth. Oh, careful, Jason.

The goth trend is all about the color black. You want black nails, black hair, dye your hair black, put on black eye shadow, whatever you can. You are not allowed to smile if you are a goth. That is just a fact. If you smile, you're no longer a goth. That has disqualified you from service. You're out of the club. You can go ahead and paint your hair pink or whatever you need to do because you're not a goth anymore.

you need to do because you're not a goth anymore the only thing that really matters is that you have a lot of chains of things all over uh continuing to hold on to your wallet or your wrists one of those two and um you want to make sure that you surround yourself with anybody not funny because otherwise you might be out of the club if you accidentally laugh okay everything i know about that's pretty good um i think I would rather never cut my hair. It's got to be the hair. Because your fingernails would be cut. You basically are saying, do you want to slowly become disabled and not be able to use your hands? Right.

That's how I feel. Have you seen the pictures of the world's longest fingernails? They start curling up underneath each other. How do you do anything? I don't understand how those people live. The point of pride. I've got a world record. It's called being the least helpful person in the world.

It's called, hey, can you grab that? Yeah, can you open that jar for me? Can you feed me? Yeah. I mean, and then they get disgusting, too. Oh, yeah. Give me the long hair. Oh, dude.

Just a quick question. Would this make my follicles work again? No. You're a long-haired, balding guy. Oh, no. The balding, long-haired guy is the worst. George Costanza with the longest locks on the side. You have the ponytail, but no hair on the top of your head.

I might take the nails. You're the cat's pajamas. I mean, your hair would be... How long would it be? We're in our mid-30s. How long would your hair be if it had grown out from the time you were born? How fast does hair grow?

I'm looking right now. I don't know because I get it cut. I feel like 30 years it would have to be... To the ground? To my knees at least. So the average person can expect hair to grow about six inches per year. What?

So it's the end of my- That's 210 inches. That's tangled. That's 17 and a half feet of hair. I mean, you're Rapunzel. Yeah. Climb up my locks. What do you do with that?

Do you wrap it around like a belt? I don't think it grows in perpetuity. I don't. Oh, you mean like once it gets to a certain length, it knows not to grow six inches? I feel like it does. Because 17 and a half feet of hair, that doesn't seem likely. Nobody in the world has that. People would have that if you could.

Because people get haircuts. But no, people grow nails that they can't use anymore to set a record. People would have hair that is truly Rapunzel if it grew forever. You know what, you're right. Because the world's longest documented hair belongs to a woman in China who started growing it from the age of 13 in 1973. And in 2004, it was 18 feet, five inches. Wow.

How heavy is that? She said, quote, it's no trouble at all. So I guess based on that testimony. I'm a liar. Based on that testimony of it being no trouble at all, I'm going to take a word for it. I'm going to go hair. Okay. Hair is?

There is. You could like, you don't have to wear clothes anymore. You just wear your hair down. I'm looking at pictures of this. The hair is as long as the height of a giraffe. Well, Jason's been trying to figure out how he's going to get up and punch a giraffe in the face. I'm just going to whip him with my hair?

Yes. Hair battle. She said, it's no trouble at all. I'm used to it. But you need patience, and you need to hold yourself straight when you have hair like this. Yeah. Okay. The thing about long hair is you do. You get used to it but you need patience and you need to hold yourself straight when you have hair like this yeah okay the thing about long hair is you do you get used to it i used to have long hair and then you cut it all off and you go wow this is this is fantastic i save a lot of money on shampoo world now the longest fingernails in the world gross um i guess he started growing them after a teacher accidentally broke

off his long nail at age 14 he grew them until he was i'll show you he's he grew them six decades till he was 82 and just cut them off finally oh my gosh they're on display and uh they're six and a half feet long. What? So, hold on. They are disgusting. He said a teacher broke his nail off. And he got him back. When he was 14.

I'll show you. So, his way of revenge upon the world was to grow his nails out forever? Yes. I'll just say this. Don't Google world's longest nails because no let's move on that's a great question all right this one comes in from oh that's a unique name betrez on instagram all right i'm in an office with lots of cubicles. How far is too far away to say bless you when someone sneezes? Hmm.

My work is not sinking in, gentlemen. Because you are an anti-bless you person. I am an anti-bless you person. Look. Yes. You're not polite. I get it. No. You sneeze.

It is the responsibility is upon the sneezer. You say you go around and apologize to the whole office. I'm so sorry. No, you don't need to apologize. You just say a simple excuse me. We move on with our day. We stop with this nonsense of bless yous. And how many bless yous do I give?

You didn't fart. You didn't burp or fart. Why are you excusing yourself? Why are you blessing someone for sneezing? Do you say excuse me when you publicly fart? I would. Well, not around you. I do not excuse myself.

Excuse me, everyone. If I was in a place with strangers and I farted, of course I'd say, oh, excuse me. No, you would not. You would not say anything at all. You would sit in the corner, face turning beet red. You would want somebody else to take. Not say a single thing. You don't want to take.

You saying excuse me means you're taking credit. But if it was audible and they know, I mean, look, if it was silent, yeah, I'm holding on to that forever. But if this is like, yes, I farted. I know I farted. I would have to be like. Excuse me, everyone. It's not excuse me. I have. Excuse me. I would have to be like, excuse me, everyone. It's not excuse me.

I have, excuse me. I have a very special announcement. I farted. I don't know why. It's just we have, we in society have said it's the polite thing to do. If you have any kind of bodily function, you say, excuse me. But the thing about bless you, and we'll get to the question, is that it is traditionally just polite. If someone sneezes around you, it's polite to say Bless You to the point where if it was in close proximity and you didn't, you would then be indicting yourself by social standards.

And it's dumb. Get rid of it. Where did Gesundheit go? Could you jump back in on Gesundheit? It translated to Bless You no i know but i'm just saying like it's valerian for bless you when when i was growing up it was like i feel like they were just as common bless you and gazoon tight uh i never really was in a gazoon tight neighborhood no no uh so not your family i that's what they went with no it wasn't just family it was it was

society i mean you guys grew up in the same society I grew up in. The person yelling across cubicles wants to be given credit for saying bless you too much. They want to be the office bless you guy that no matter what happens. Bless you. They stand up. They just start taking laps. That's right. I did it.

Now, what if you walk up over there and you give him a little pat on the back and go, bless you. So you're saying if you're, now, let's just, will you accept that for many people, it's just a kindness, a polite saying? Yes, I understand that. So if that is true, then basically what we're saying here is the rule is if you're the nearest person, then it's polite. What if they pass on it, though? Do you take the mantle? Oh. Because I was going to say? Because I'm not doing it. A cubicle is a cubicle.

You could sneeze in my face. If you sneeze and your cubicle is touching mine, I'm going to give you a bless you. But if you are not touching mine and somebody else passes on the bless you, do you take the mantle? I think in that situation, it's appropriate. I think somebody has to say it in that office and i think you are if you if you grab the mantle of the bless you you are just incredibly pompous and making it all about yourself i feel like you're wrong here i think that you're incredibly

kind and you want to make how are you kind but just because that person bless you here's almost escaped your body but i stopped it because I said bless you. That person over there. You don't have the plague. What if Hilda in accounting just sneezed? No one around her had the decency to say bless you. Hilda now feels that she is the skunk of the office. The runt of the office.

Well, she works right around three mics, apparently. Yeah. I'm going to look at her. I, she works right around three mics, apparently. Yeah. Animals. I'm going to look at her. I'm going to give her a big thumbs up. Oh, like good job sneezing? Yep. Oh, maybe you'd go with the nice job.

Sure. That'll make people feel real comfortable. Sure. Why not? Because it makes just as much sense. Top sneeze. Top sneeze. That's a good one.

Top sneeze. Killer. Start rating them. I give it a seven. Now, the problem is there are multi-sneezers. That's what I'm saying. It's a huge problem. Multi-sneezers.

Do you double the bless you? No, no, no. You make the joke. No, no, no. You make the joke, right? You go, bless you again. No. That's the worst.

Multi-sneezers do not deserve bless yous. You get punched in the face. Now, two sneezes is fine. Any more than two. It's done. I don't like them. If you're one of them six sneezers, just stay away from me. I have a real pet peeve with the six sneezers.

But they don't control it. But I know something about them. That you dislike? They're built wrong. No, he knows. He's like, I have to freaking say bless you six times to this dumb person who keeps sneezing. So Mike is unkind, and then we say, read the room. Read the room if you're on the opposite side of the room.

You shouldn't really have to raise your voice across the room. There it is. That's the answer. If you have to raise your voice to be heard, then it's all about you. You shouldn't have to read the room when someone sneezes. Chris from Twitter. Stop wasting brain power on this. Do you walk out of the bathroom, Jason, after you've had a number two

and do you go, excuse me? No. No, I don't think that excuse me is for pooping. Wait, okay. Let's say you're in the bathroom. Okay. Your two stalls over. Oh, I've blessed someone there.

You have blessed someone i've done a bathroom bless you but in fairness you're both in the middle of your business fairness that's a joke i'm not doing it as a polite curse you're doing it so that they laugh i'm doing it you sir are making a what about a urinal bless of a strong tradition of bless yous no urinal bless no urinal. A little too close quarters. Why? They sneeze, Jason. It's the polite thing to do.

Because there's a time and a place, Mike, that's inappropriate. You don't greet people. You don't. What about people sneezing in the movie theater? Okay, hold on. Time out. Another rabbit hole. No, absolutely not.

Another rabbit hole here. Someone sneezes at a wedding. Probably not. At a wedding, sure. During the ceremony, no. During ceremony. No, of course not. No, you don't.

Why? You forego your right. It's the polite thing to do. Urinal talkers. Your silence speaks volumes. No, no, no. I want to get back to a far more important. Okay.

Urinal talkers. Urinal talkers. Oh. Not okay, right? No, it's not okay. It's not okay, but you end up having to respond to this. Because you have because if they say no you don't oh mike doesn't know you don't i don't have the gall to not say anything

you lock eyes with that man and you say nothing you just stare into their soul until they are shamed and realize what they have done and they will never do it again. My hope. He just goes, Oh, I'm sorry. I'm peeing with my privates right now. That's what you should hold on.

I'm still, I'm hold on a minute. I'm peeing with my private. Excuse me, sir. I'm peeing with my privates. Privacy, please.

Oh, this is tailspun. Um, Chris from Twitter. Is it okay to eat and drink the food that you are intending to pay for when you are shopping or waiting for the cashier i have a cut and dry black and white answer for this uh i have 100 yes so here here's the deal i i i saw this beforehand and i was curious i i know you guys know my take on this, right? Say it on three. One, two, three. No.

I think you do eat it. You think I do eat it? Is that what you're saying? Oh, no, you don't because you don't want to be confrontational. Yeah. You're embarrassed. See, because I feel like my brand is eat at all times. So, of course, yes, I'm going to buy this.

I'm not waiting on these donuts. Hostess has made them for me. I'm going to open the bag and eat. But I can't do it. And you're right, Andy. It's the computational thing. Like, my wife sees you question. You also look like a shoplifter.

But you are in that moment shoplifting. Technically, you are correct. I believe. I mean, like, that's the problem. You have taken a good and you have not. Do you sample the grapes? No, I don't sample the grapes. You sample the grapes? No, I don't sample the grapes. You sample the grapes?

No, I don't. But as a kid, my mom would give me a couple of grapes or something. That's the thing. My wife is totally okay with this. And especially for the kids. That's what it's okay for. It's usually for the kids. It's for the kids.

It's open them up. Yeah, you can have one. Whatever. You just altered the weight. But I hate this. Well, you're not paying for cereal by weight, Mike. But you're paying for grapes by weight. But I hate this. Well, you're not paying for cereal by weight, Mike. But you're paying for grapes by weight. You did say grapes.

Why are you changing it to cereal? Now it's stolen forever. You can no longer pay for that grape. They factor that into their numbers. Right. That's right. They do factor. Businesses.

No, businesses factor in theft into their profits. So he's right. businesses factor in theft into their profits. So he's right. Your mother, your thieving mother has been factored in to this business's bottom line. And I am against it. You don't sample all the bananas? You don't peel them all, take a bite, find the right one? See, I feel like I'm being a little jocular here.

Like the grapes, I get it. You can take a grape or two. A banana, though. I'm kidding. You can't take a banana. I don't think you jocular here. Like the grapes, I get it. You can take a grape or two. A banana, though. I'm kidding. You can't take a banana. I don't think you can take a banana. No, you can't. It's too big.

But a banana, that's not done by weight. Yes, it is. No, bananas aren't by weight. Yes, they are. All fruit and produce is by weight. I think bananas. They do have like two for one banana sales, don't they? Or stuff like that.

It's got to be by weight. Look, I don't do a lot of shopping. The last time I have personally bought bananas, it's been a while. The produce section is a little intimidating to me. I'll be honest with you. Very much. I don't know what I can grab, what I have to bag, what I don't have to bag. 89 cents a pound right now.

Because there's no other way to do it. Do you have to bag all the produce? Or can you just freeload it into your cart? Borland, what do you do? Ooh. How much is this food? Where do you weigh in on this? I bag all produce except bananas.

I was going to say, you've got to weigh in on bananas. They have a nice... Well, okay, so... And grapes come pre-bagged. What do you do with oranges? Bag them. Yeah, you can bag them. I guess they're two, so that's a dumb...

Now, do you do the weighing on your own in the produce section, and then... People do that? It's not the 60s anymore. I don't even know why they have those scales. I got to meet my produce budget. So the scales are there for your information, and then they weigh it at the front. So if you eat some of the grapes between your bagging and to the front, you're saving some cash. Yes, you are.

Excellent. Can you please? You go up with the cereal and you go, can you please? But now Mr. Bash's is out. Can I pay by weight for this? Can I pay by? You know what they got to do? They got to weigh you as you go in.

Everyone who comes through the doors of the grocery store, you step on. So if you weigh more yourself. They weigh you on the way out, you step on. So if you weigh more yourself. And then they weigh you on the way out. But do you get money if you weigh less? Like if I stop by the bathroom on load. Oh, that's a loophole. Yeah.

There's a loophole here. You only pay if you go up. That's fair. Sure. You only pay if you go up. You're like, sir, you're a half a pound heavier. You're going to need to pay the great price. So you come in with some some bottle water in your pocket,

leave them behind, eat as much as you want in the grocery store. I have grown to be comfortable eating in the grocery store. I was not comfortable. Now I am perfectly fine with it. I feel like I've grown up enough. I'm securing my own self. If a 16-year-old or 18-year-old employee of that store comes up to confront me, I'll be like, what you got?

I'm eating your food. I'm eating your food. I don't care. I feel better. I'll pay for it. I feel better if I have cash. If I know I'm paying in cash. So you can just throw dollars at the people?

No, not for bribery purposes. I feel better because- Yo, let me eat these. I've been at the store before where my chip reader stops working, and it's like... I would be fearful that for some reason the credit card would not work. That's on them. If my credit card doesn't work, that's your problem.

I do take that view from now on. These are mine now. I'm like, how can you not let me steal this? That's what I say. I am anti-thievery. Andy is pro-thievery. That's a bold statement. All right, one more great question from Noah on the website.

It used to be that you shouldn't call someone after a certain time because they might be sleeping. With modern-day cell phones and the ability to do do not disturb, is it now impolite to text somebody at any time? Or is it impolite to text? This is interesting. Because I have received phone calls at all hours of the night from businesses that think it's totally appropriate and fine.

You seem like Mr. Do not disturb mode. Like, I feel like you would be someone that would utilize that feature. I do utilize that feature. So how are you getting these calls? You don't use that? Not really, no. No, I utilize like you would be someone that would utilize that feature. I do utilize that feature. So how are you getting these calls? You don't use that? Not really, no. No, I utilize it, but like 10 o'clock. 10 o'clock, I don't want to get a text.

8 p.m. 8? That's right. 8 p.m.? 8 p.m. So if I text you at 8.30 tonight? I won't get it. Come on.

What? I won't get it unless I look at my phone. Wait, hold on, hold on. We've got a whole new issue. Why? Why 8 p.m.? That's not near your bedtime, is it? I don't need to talk to you at 8.30.

What? No, I'm very surprised. It's not near my bedtime. Do you check your text, though, after 8 o'clock? It's just like you just don't want to be alerted. Yes. I'm usually on my phone at some time between 8 and midnight. 8 p.m.?

That's right. I'm at 10 p.m. I'm like, you need to get a... Do not disturb, though. It works where if somebody on your contact list calls you during that time... It will go through. You still get it. You're not going to get spammed.

Because if somebody calls me... It's important. They need to talk to me. If you're texting me... And I just... I don't really like text messaging anyways. I was called at like 8.30 p.m. on a Saturday. Was it a blood drive?

No, it wasn't a blood drive. I'm not talking about solicitation. I'm talking about to confirm an appointment. Somebody at a business called me at like a doctor's office, called me 8.30 p.m. on a weekend. That's a great doctor's office. Yeah, that's not too bad. That's a good thing?

I don't think that's too bad. I've been called after 8, and I had my phone, so I felt the phone call. I answered. They were calling for a blood drive, and I said, ma'am. Did you say it's 8? I said, ma'am, do you know what time it is? But it was only 8. I mean, that's the issue here, Mike.

I think 8 o'clock is the line where it gets weird. You're in mid-30s, you're not mid-80s, where 8 p.m. is a reasonable expectation to say it might be too late for that. No, it's a reasonable expectation that I'm not getting cold called for a blood drive after 8 p.m. I would have said, yes, sir, it's 8.10. It's not that late. That's what you would have said on the other end? You darn right. You certainly would have got his blood have said on the other end? You darn right. You certainly would have got his blood.

I mean, oh, you're darn right. I would not have got off that call without his blood. Or a hang up. Email me your blood. I can't believe you're siding with the cold callers after 8 p.m.? I will side with whatever is on the other side of an 8 p.m. Note to self, don't text Mike after 8. Call him.

Exactly. See, the problem has been solved. You're crazy. If a business calls me after 5 p.m., after closing time, you are dead to me. I don't want to talk to you. I think we've learned. Here's my advance,

what I learned on the show today. Mike is a serious man. He is a curmudgeon. Were you goth? Oh, this is a good question. Have you smiled? I've been mysterious in my day. Yeah.

Mysterious man. Yeah. Did you have a really secure wallet? It was very secure. I did a lot of shopping at Hot Topic. So I was good to go, man. Yeah, two pairs of two elephant legs walking around with the JNCOs. Look, I played guitar in junior high.

I liked Metallica. There was some black clothing involved. All right. All right. That makes sense why you don't smile as much as you should. Let's get into the draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right.

We have a cool draft. I just read it before the show started. Best TV shows to binge watch. Best TV shows to binge watch. Mike has the first pick in this one. Mike stole last week's draft from my clutches. And Mike kicks it off today. This is interesting.

Because people, I mean, binge watching, it's how people watch TV nowadays. You know, what's the next thing that I'm supposed to go binge? That's what people ask around the water cooler. Around the water cooler, yes. Nobody hangs out of water coolers anymore, right? Do they have water coolers? Nope. This one's going to get tough.

It is extremely tough because before we came in here, Jason and I were talking about it and jason had a pick that he wanted first and i had a pick that i wanted first and then i was thinking more about okay it's bingeable what what exactly does that mean that means that you can watch tons of episodes in a row yes or it that is what it means well and that you want to yeah Yeah, that you want to. You just want to keep watching, and you'll watch it for hours a night, nonstop. Yeah, generally it's going to be a show that has been around a little while, because you've

got enough... But that's what I mean. Has it been around, or is it... Yeah, I mean, something that's in season one right now, you're not going to say is really binge-worthy, but maybe. I could see... Yeah, if there's a new show out... This is exactly what I was talking about. It's not... it's not that confusing to me i agree yeah because you want

to know why it's not confusing because uh we use this language all the time when we say hey is there a good show that i should binge and then someone answers it and if it's new and it's still bingeable yeah but you can answer it any way you want but i mean like by binge like you've watched it okay Okay, you're done with it. No, not necessarily. Not necessarily. That's all I meant. Is this something that you want to go back to?

I do. This is what I do with everything. Well, here's the thing. That's true. That's fair. Here's how I would do if I were you. I would think, do I like binge watching this show? Yeah, and then answer.

If yes, it applies. All right, you have the first pick mike in the tv shows that you want to binge all right game of thrones i knew it i knew for sure i knew i was i was i was relieving myself on the toilet earlier and i knew for sure that you were gonna go game why is that you could have just said i was in the bathroom earlier no but here's but then what's he doing? Is he washing his hands? Right, exactly. Is he powdering his nose?

I was not putting hair product in my hair. Jason, thank you for letting me into your world. Specificity. But I do some of my best thinking there. So we need to peel back the curtain here for a second. You weren't here yet, Andy. We had this whole debate, and I was like, well, this is not even a fair one, because whoever gets Game of Thrones is going to win.

I don't think that means you're going to win. Sure, and I hope it doesn't because obviously I didn't get it. But Mike's like, that wouldn't even be my 101, and he said what his 101 would be. And I was like, okay, whatever, that's fine, great. I get Game of Thrones. And then I was going to the bathroom, and I go, oh, there's no chance when we're on the clock

that this guy who didn't want Game of Thrones as his one on one doesn't take it. So spit wads vote accordingly because this is you guys give me garbage for all my going. Game of Thrones went number one. It is timely. We give you garbage for trying to alter things after the fact. When you let it lie, when the when the's posted, Jason, just let it go. Oh, you've gotten in on it too, Andy. Don't act above the fray there.

The amount of GIFs going on our movie poll. I only reply to your GIFs with GIFs. That's what happens. All right, I'm on the clock. Now you can have my pick. I'm not going to take that because I did not think that was worthy. I'm going to take Breaking Bad. Breaking Bad is, you know, it's one of those.

One of the things that to me in binge watching shows, this is a personal thing. It doesn't have to be for everybody. But the thing that really makes it bingey is when the end of the episode, like I'm ready to turn it off. It's already 11 o'clock. I need to get to bed. I'm ready to turn it off. It's already 11 o'clock. I need to get to bed.

But the end of the episode goes, oh, my gosh. I have to see what comes next. Right. And you just can't. You're like a cliffhanger. Yeah, and you can't ever stop. They just hook you. Breaking Bad did a great job of that.

Great show. I love that you chose that. Because I have a combo that I wanted to pair. I wanted to go back to back. I've got the third and fourth pick in this draft. This was going to be my first pick. And I'm going with the combination of The Office. Very strong. And Parks and Recreation.

Dang it. I really wanted one of those two. I heard some exclamations from the producer chair. Who was that? Was that you, Borland? That was both me and Brooks at the same time. I'm taking The Office, and I'm taking Parks and Recreation.

I much would have preferred to be where you are sitting. I am so excited. I was so hoping that they would both reach me so I could double up on them. But basically, first of all, The Office, you had seasons from 2005 to 2013. Parks and Rec, same thing. You can sit down. You can watch them not only can you binge them all but you can binge them

all repeatedly with no harm done you're not getting less than you're still laughing constantly you're still loving every moment of your life when you're watching them and they're both the two most spectacular uh sitcom series uh that you can imagine they they speak binge to me and they're both available on netflix they're great there's nothing i can do to disparage that all right no i i'm really upset because i i thought for sure you would have stolen one of those from well here's the deal i figure you would want variety in your picks i would not have assumed you would have taken those very similar shows together on the same roster. So I just assumed

I'm taking whichever one you don't. I knew you'd take one of those two. Okay, so you thought one would drop to you. I thought one would come back to me. I would have been just happy with the office. With a little bit of an underhanded insult there. Or Parks and Rec so that my team isn't just one temperature like Andy's. Right.

I'll tell you what, man. It is pretty early to be tilting. I'm on my second pick. I told you, man. And I am tilting. This is tough. Just so you know, Office and Parks and Rec, not available. You cannot select those.

I will take Game of Thrones then. Also not available. Again, when I think of binge watching shows i definitely think i i think of the shows that come out at once you know netflix revolutionized everything um with house of cards you guys can feel free to draft that if you if you so want uh no thank you that has died um but i'm gonna go with i think the the follow-up smash netflix special we all love it i thought it might get back to me no stranger things all right is fantastic the fact that you know you've got that look back into the the 80s like there's not a lot

of there's not a lot of shows that are in that time period because it's kind of this weird in-between time. And they capture it well. And you've got the sci-fi. No, that was great. I was really hoping that was going to drop to be my pick. Yeah. Your turn to tilt. Well, I know what one of them that I'm going to take.

You've got two picks, and your team right now is Game of Thrones, and then these two. Thank you for the update. I wasn't quite sure who was on my roster. So while I'm trying to stall and figure out the second pick, I'll take the first one, which is the longest-running show on television. I will take The Simpsons. It's spectacular.

Sure, sure. The new episodes, they're not as good as the old ones, I will take the Simpsons. It's spectacular. Sure. Sure. The new episodes, they're not as good as the old ones, but that's why it's binge worthy. I can still go back. Talk about a binge. That would take you like 30 years. Yeah. Now, this is kind of a side note.

I heard someone talking about Disney Plus, and they said that The Simpsons is going to be on there. Hmm. That's weird. Disney owns Fox now. Disney owns Fox Properties. Yeah. Yeah. So do they really own the back catalog to The Simpsons? I believe they do, yes.

Holy crap. Aren't there, like, monopoly rules in this country that Disney can't own everything? Nope. No rules. All right. So I have Game of thrones i have the simpsons i will follow that up with netflix spence ah do i really want to do this no you don't take more time all right uh please please take a long time. You need to think through this, Mike, for sure. All right. Netflix spent a whole lot of money to acquire this series, I think.

Let me actually make... Oh, my gosh, you guys. Dude, it's not as easy. Mr. Parks and Rec and The office fell right into my lap. We don't want mash. Yeah, exactly. I've got like 10 on my list. Wow. So I'm fine.

You must watch a lot of television. You guys do your thing, and I'll be fine when it gets back to me. All right, whatever. Netflix spent a lot of money to get this series. People still watch it. People still talk about it. I will take Friends. Yeah, that's the Yankees pick there.

Yeah, for sure. It makes sense. If we're drafting quality sitcoms, then that's good. Bingeable shows... No, a lot of people binge Friends. A lot of people binge Friends. They tried to take

Friends off of Netflix and and the revolt happened, and then the bingers, my sisters, watched through it like a thousand times. All right. I'm going to go. Mike, thank you. You took enough time to get me one. Andy, really, when it comes to you, I know you've got a list of like 20. You're going to need to think through those slowly.

I'm taking the handmaids. You only have one. Yeah, The Handmaid's Tale. Okay. It's one of those where i've got a couple on my list where when i watched the first episode or two like breaking bad i watched it i watched the first like four episodes once years and years ago when it was you know only two seasons in i was like i can't watch this it was just too i didn't like it same thing happened with him and then you know other people was like no it's good push through and it's yeah it's great so look that's hulu that's hulu right that's hulu's like only platform show like that it that is there it's trying to keep

hulu alive and it's it's it's great hulu also owned by disney just so you know yes unbelievable um also the spitballers owned owned by Disney. You could be. Mr. Disney. I'm open. We are listening to offers. Yeah, he's dead. He's dead. There's more than one Mr. or Mrs. Disney.

Oh, I thought you were talking to Walt. He's still frozen. Yeah, his head's frozen somewhere. We know this. He'll be back. All right. Cool. Cool.

You took Handmaid's Tale. Nice. All right. I'm going with Walking Dead. Okay. Walking Dead. What an idiot. I'm going with Walking Dead. Okay. Walking Dead. What an idiot. I forgot that show existed.

Well, it's because neither one of you was watching it. No, I absolutely did. I binged through seasons one through three. Well, one through three? Yeah. They're on like season nine. I get it, but it's the most binge-worthy. Okay.

People jump in on it. You watch it. You're in that world. Something that's binge-worthy, if you go outside the sitcom realm, you go into, what's going to suck me into a universe? Sure. And I'm going to break a man's heart. It's on my list. I'm going to break a man's soul.

I'm going Walking Dead. I'm going Battlestar Galactica. What? Wait, did you watch it? 100%. Oh, all right. Front to back. Front to back.

That does break my heart. I would never have picked it because I don't know that it's... No, it's no Handmaid's Tale. I will tell you this. Battlestar Galactica does not hold up if you did not watch it back when you were young. A malarkey.

Malarkey? You have absolutely no possible way to answer that question because you watched it back when you were younger. No, he didn't. He was later. He was later to the party. When did you watch it?

When did you watch it? I watched it when we were at Broken Bolt. So that was a decade ago. Seven years ago. I'm thinking in terms of what shows do I hear most recommended in terms of going and binging a series. Not every series is out right now. Game of Thrones still finishing up.

Handmaid's Tale still going. I walking dead still going yes um but battle star is one of those ones we go oh man i'm on netflix what do i what do i want to go watch through what do i want to dive into totally i believe there's even you get two episodes in you're like wow that's all i need to see no it isn't yeah what's the um i'm trying to think of the show uh there's even a joke about once you start battlestar galactica there's a sitcom that shows it and you sit down in that chair there's a joke about these two this couple that rinse it and then they're in portland it was in portlandia they rent battlestar galactica and they sit there for like six months they lose their jobs they don't pay their bills they just sit sit on the couch, melting into the show.

Walking Dead and Battlestar Galactica, the perfect combo to finish off my Parks and Rec offer. I need to speak here because it's usually my job to besmirch, degrade both of your teams and your picks because that's my role here. Battlestar Galactica

is my favorite show of all time. It is my number one. I'm so sorry for you. No. Uh-uh. You didn't watch enough. Yeah, you haven't watched enough. Oh, trust me.

I saw enough. Yeah. You couldn't handle the fracks. Here's the thing. Yeah, exactly. The what? This is above you, Mike. You don't understand.

Here's the thing. My wife made fun of me. Literally, it's in the universe. My wife made fun of me forever for watching this. It was called Nerdactica in my house. Yes. it's a nerd show for sure for sure nerdactica was on our tv and she saw i don't know parts of 20 episodes that she just railed on and made fun of it was so stupid she saw enough to know how stupid it was. Eventually, she got hooked. She watched it with me, and she acknowledges what a great show it is.

Because it's unbelievable if you can watch all day. So great pick. Thank you. If you could make it through, possibly. Possibly you'd be good then. I'm going to make a pick. Since I'm having a hard time here, right? Yes.

I'm having a hard time figuring out which shows to watch, whatever. I'm giving this pick. To me? Not to you. Oh. I'm giving this pick to our producer of the fantasy footballers, Brooks, because I know his favorite show that he has for years tried to just, I mean, he's. Oh, my gosh, you panderer.

I'm not pandering. You panderer. This is not aering you pander you've never watched it no i i have not look i know how big i have multiple friends paul brooks they say it's the best show of all time and i don't know what to pick so why would i not go with what my best friends say you gotta binge watch this show because he's not picking it he's not picking a show it's smart he's's smart. He's being smart. It's The Wire. He's being smart.

The Wire is to so many people their favorite show of all time. Brooks is nodding in appreciation. You're welcome. You go back a ways with The Wire. We'll see how that lands on the polls. It is a good show. It is a famous show. What is your team?

My team is Handmaid's Tale, The Wire, Stranger Things, and Breaking Bad. Okay. Mike? It's very serious. Yeah, well, it is. I mean, when I think of binge shows, I think serious. Like, for instance, I watch Parks and Rec all the time. I love it.

Excellent. It's unbelievably good. You binge watch it. But I don't binge watch it. No, I throw it on when we're, like, doing I love it. It's unbelievably good. You binge watch it. But I don't binge watch it. I throw it on when we're doing laundry or something. It's a background show. How many episodes do you watch in a row? However many laundry I'm

doing. Excellent. Mike, your team so far? I don't even remember. Who do I got? I got Game of Thrones, I got The Simpsons, and I got Friends. Oh my gosh. It's just a strong, strong pillared team. There's no nuance needed for that team. Sure.

You've got powerhouses. And I'm going to finish it off with, if you don't go with Friends as the best sitcom from the 90s, you go to Seinfeld. So that's who I will take, because I'm not so serious, despite my takes on Bless You. What's funny is what I've heard, and I'm a Seinfeld lifer.

You know this. It actually hurts me that you have it on your team and I don't. I'm pretty surprised you went with it. I had it written down. I didn't take it. One of the reasons why is because I've heard from people, if you don't watch Seinfeld, you can't go back and watch it because

the laugh track and that type of thing. But if you did watch it... We call that the Galactica syndrome. Right. You can't go back. If you were a watcher, you can watch it infinitely. You can watch it forever. There were two picks, and we're done with the draft. There were two I didn't take

that I really thought about, and that was Dexter and True Detective. True Detective season one is one of the most binge-worthy, edge-of-your-seat series ever. And then Dexter, I was so into Dexter when it came out. I will say, I haven't seen any Dexter. Oh, so good. And I don't have, like... It holds up, too.

It isn't a show where all my friends have seen it, but the ones who have watched it, they will put the cape on. They will stand forever for Dexter. When it was going on, it was great. The John Lithgow season, season three. That was awesome.

You know something that I learned? What did you learn on the show? This is actually something I genuinely have just learned right now during this draft, and it's not a joke. I don't consider, like for me, not for you. You vote however you want. I don't consider comedies binge shows. I'm just realizing that.

As I look at your guys' roster. When I was talking about what defined a binge show at the beginning of this draft, you're like, oh, it's so easy. No, no, no. I just learned it. I learned that for me, when I'm looking for a show to oh, it's so easy. No, no, no. I just learned it. I learned that for me, when I'm looking for a show to binge, it's never going to be a comedy.

I love comedies. I love comedy. I mean, obviously, but when I think of a binge show, I don't think of comedy. I just learned that about myself. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Interesting. I learned today that Jason is very specific of when he can actually say bless you, even though he was very insistent that you should always be blessed after a sneeze. You should. I hope you are out there. I hope it bless you. And I learned that apparently you're supposed to say excuse me if you fart.

Sir, I'm peeing with my privates right now. I'm peeing with my privates. Please speak to me after I'm peeing with my privates. Thank you for tuning in, listening, supporting, subscribing. You are the best community out there. We'll talk to you next time. Ba-da-ba-doo-ba-doo. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com. Don't forget, Spitwads, if you want to help support this show and get access to the entire archive, you can go to spitballerspod.com and click become a Spitwad. We appreciate your support and you'll appreciate all the episodes.