Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 47: Hardware Store Battle and How to Confuse the Air - Funny Podcast

Episode Date: May 13, 2019

If you had one shot to draw anything into existence with no erasing, what would you draw? Find out our answers today in 'The Situation Room'. Then, find out how Andy keeps his house cooled down by confusing the air. Also, when sitting on a toilet seat, would you rather it be super sticky or super slippery? We put the nail into this episode with a draft of hardware store items in a fight to the death. Thanks for listening to another funny episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast!   Connect with the show: Visit us on the web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. I give that scat two thumbs down. I don't think you made the right decision when you kept ascending. Yeah. Well, you know. You committed to it, but then you didn't pull it back in.

Let's just start. You got a complete, and I did. You went falsetto, and then you went't pull it back in. Once you start, you've got to complete, and I did. You went falsetto, and then you went dog whistle. Yes. All the dogs are barking. Welcome into the Spitballers Podcast. Andy, Mike, and Jason back again.

You can find us on Twitter at SpitballersPod. It's going to be a great show today. We've got the Situation Room. We've got Would You Rather on the show, and we have an incredible draft. I cannot wait to find out what happens because I know what the draft is, but I have not given it much thought. I feel like I will be more apt to make incredible picks when I'm on my toes, so I'm going to stay on my toes.

That's usually when you do your best work. That's the best work. I've given this no thought. I've given this no thought. I'm just gonna, off the cuff man Come on, think of all the best musicians They don't Think about anything before they They don't spend years and years of practicing their craft

It's all improv I feel like I've heard this song before They don't read music, right? I'm just good now I'm just winging it Come on man, It's jazz. This show's like jazz. It is.

It is a little bit like jazz. It is, right? I don't know what- Which takes years and years to be good at. I don't know what's going to happen. That's my point. Al Borland's sitting over there, and he is just excited with anticipation. Al Borland played a little bit of jazz.

Say hello, Al. Hey, Spitwats. Okay. Unbelievably excited. That was actually of jazz. Say hello, Al. Hey, Spitwats. Unbelievably excited. That was more than I thought I'd get. You played some jazz, Borland? I did, yes. What did you play?

Wait, let's take a guess. I'm going clarinet. Is clarinet a real jazz? Yeah, clarinet's in certain parts of jazz. Trumpet. He was a phenomenal trumpet player. He was? Yeah, clarinets in certain parts of jazz. Trumpet. Okay. He was a phenomenal trumpet player. He was? Yeah. Did you ever do the national anthem? Sometimes they got the

guy at the baseball game do the national anthem with the trumpet. I hate baseball. Good answer. You know what? Let's just stay quiet over there. Press the mute button. Let's get into the review today.

Review Let's just stay quiet over there. Press the mute button. Let's get into the review today. Review-a-saurus rags. This one comes in from peel10964. Ooh. Great name. Highlight of my week. Five stars. To be honest, I thought that this sounded terrible from a few small preview clips that I heard. Not the first one, Peele.

Kind of like the intro to this show. Won't be the first, won't be the last. But I am extremely happy that I gave it a chance. After the first episode, I was hooked, and now I look forward to it every week. Well, thank you. You're welcome. Sort of. We appreciate all those reviews.

Well, that's okay. Oh, yeah. Acquired taste. You know? There's a lot of nuance on this show. We're like Vegemites. Just keep listening. If you're new out there, just keep listening.

Give it 20 to 60 shows, and by then, you'll get it. You'll be hooked. Well, look, there are at least 1,000, wait, 10,964 just like Peele that are listening. Thank you. Your reviews really help the show. Thanks. Apple Podcasts. Subscribe, review, support.

Let's get into the situation. Room. The Situation Realm. What was that? You don't need to have normal... It's like you ran out of breath. I did. Get to the situation.

Let's go on a little Shatner. The cadence of William Shatner. I'm a rocket man. All right, here's the situation. You've been granted the ability to draw anything into existence. You only have one shot. No erasing. What do you draw?

Now, this is really funny. Well, Jason, you have an answer right away? I know exactly what will exist for sure, and that's going to be a stick man. Because if this is contingent upon my ability to draw, maybe we get a weird stick horse or some wrong-legged dog that looks nothing like a dog. But, like, I am always amazed at people with artistic ability. I can't. Sure. Like, when they draw a picture better than what I could visualize to think about considering drawing it uh it's my it's mind-blowing so there would be a stick dude out in the world how exciting would that be though

it would be very exciting it would be very funny because i feel like everyone around you would be drawing into existence much more exciting things and this stick guy would come out and be like seriously you're you're talking about that reminds me of in my younger days uh so i i have a degree in uh game design but before i went to the school to get that i started attending another school uh which was video game art and they somehow convinced me that it wasn't just going to be all drawing, like you're going to learn how to work on a computer, except all of the introduction classes end up being drawing. So you're just drawing.

I do stick man. I have no artistic ability when it comes to drawing. So I'm trying to power through these classes i get to this life drawing class and i live drawing life oh i mean it's just i thought we were gonna get one of those uh models in the room no no it wasn't to that point but will ferrell comes strolling in so i we we have this assignment big assignment you got to do this drawing i set up a pair of shoes and i'm drawing them. You're drawing your shoes.

Of course you're drawing shoes. But I'm like, I'm doing this. I can do this. I can learn to draw. I spend so much time on this freaking drawing. It's the best thing I have ever done. I turn it in, and I did it. I nailed this assignment.

I get my paper back. D, please see me after class. No. Oh, yeah. Get bodied. Dude, I got so bodied. That was like, well, this is not for me. You tried so hard.

And that's when you left and got a different degree. And that is when I left that school. Wow. So, hey, if you drew those shoes into existence, they might not fit properly is what shadows would be cast in all different directions no do you remember the scene where the in who framed roger rabbit when he's putting the shoe in the dip yes and that shoe is being terrifying yeah that's that's the shoes i ended up drawing this is exactly like this situation is like having a a genie's lamp only you're restrained by your horrible

artistic ability because you could take a shot at something better right you want to go man i'm going to draw a dragon i'm going to create a dragon it's good and this poor thing's gonna it's gonna be like a bad science experiment. Kill me. He's got an extra three legs on one side, one leg on the other side. All its bones are broken. He'd be drawing Trogdor. So Andy, you're the best artist of the

three of us. Apparently. I didn't know that until now. We're on phone calls. You're doodling great, amazing little characters. What would you draw into would you take your shot at drawing something amazing would you try to bring something great into this world i don't think i could pull it off i really don't i don't i mean because what what do you even you got one physical item that you want how would you even decide what one physical i can't even think of it jetpack

that's what i that was in my head. Was that really in your head? Yes, I'm not joking. I was thinking of drawing like a Rocketeer's backpack. Yes. Mostly because I went to like if I could wish one thing

and I wanted to fly, how do I fly? Jetpack. I mean, that's awesome. And if you drew that into existence, you would be drawing yourself out of existence.

You're drawing your death very quickly. It would just be just draw your tombstone. Can you draw a time machine? That'd be cool. You know the St. Louis Arch? That will be the path of your flight. It will just be...

It's over. What invention did you and I come up with? Do you remember this? Oh, wait. This was the catapult. Yes. Was this me and you, Mike? Oh, wait. This was the catapult. Yes. Was this me and you, Mike? No, all three of us. That was the stupidest thing. We were on a trip, and we were lamenting the fact that we were stuck in this car where we had just been on an airplane for six hours.

We were saying, what's a better way to travel? And somehow we came up with this catapult. Kyle Borland has never heard this. It came up with a catapult, but the rules were very intentional, very specific. It's eight seconds. That no matter where you're going, that was an eight second? It was an eight second trip. So if you're going across country, you're going very fast.

Yeah, so your trajectory is very low to the ground. And if you're going a block over, you're going very high. You're going way up in the sky. It's so ridiculous. So I would draw that. I'd draw that catapult. The traveling catapult. I would draw a catapult, get in it, and be sent to my death.

I would draw a parachute, my friend. Yeah, well, you can draw that for me. I'm sure you can pull off a parachute drawing. Let me try. I'm just going to draw a sandwich. I'm starving. I know. I could get a sandwich out. I'm sure it would be delicious. And everything else I draw is just going to be a sandwich. I'm starving. I know I could get a sandwich out.

I'm sure it would be delicious and everything else I draw is just going to be a disaster. So I drew either a parachute or broccoli. I'm not entirely sure but I'm pretty proud of this. It could be an ice cream cone. Yeah I don't understand why the parachute doesn't finish

in the middle. Like there should be a line here? Yeah. Mike, what if everything you ate in life you had to draw beforehand? What would your diet consist of? Pizza. You could draw pizza. Yeah. Pizza, you could draw pizza.

You know what else you could draw? You could draw... A donut. A donut. Ah, very nice. Pizza and donuts. Better already. Yeah, all right.

Next situation. Sidekicks everywhere have quit and applied. What is this, Borland? To your, your assistant? To be your assistant. Cool, man. Nice. Way to work on this.

Love the proofreading. Applied to your, your. Let's be really clear. Borland, I want you to know something. I don't read this until this show starts so i will read what he does his best work without thinking i will i will read what you write so you have a lot of power here if you want to just repeat words at random you're gonna get them yeah use this power in the future for bad okay sidekicks everywhere

have quit all right this is like superhero sidekicks everywhere have quit. All right. This is like superhero sidekicks. Is that right? Yes. Please read the question to completion. All right. And apply to be your assistant.

One famous sidekick would land the job and he smells like farts. Perfect. We did it, Borland. We tag teamed that one. So you are taking applicants to be your sidekick? So of all sidekicks out there in the comic book universe, they have all applied to be your sidekick. Which one are you going to hire? It's really a far simpler concept.

So in other words, we're really rewriting the question in a much easier to understand format while the show's going on. Right. Did you see how easy that was to understand? That was so easy, Jason. Thank you. I did that. So like Robin's available.

Robin can now be your sidekick. Can you please name like a handful of others so I know what sidekicks it is? There's Robin. Yeah. There's the other guy who took over for Robin. And then there was the third Robin. Which Robin wears the red underwear only? Well, I guess not only.

This is also my swimsuit. I don't know. Why don't you tell us? I'm trying to figure out which Robin to avoid is all I'm saying. I don't want the spandex Robin running. That was like the 1970s. You want pants Robin. Yes.

I would like no Robin at all, really. I don't know, man like if you're a superhero and you're rock you're living that speedo life so chewbacca is a sidekick right uh sure sure um is is c3po a sidekick uh no what about uh samwise gamgee frodo's sidekick yeah i would say he's a sidekick. He's useless. You could do Donkey from Shrek. Oh, you could.

That's a sidekick. Oh, man, he's worse than useless. That would be really annoying. Yes, it would. See, I disagree. I think Samwise might be the best sidekick. Because if I'm going to trust one of these guys to make me a meal, which is pretty much what my sidekick's primary duty would be, it would be Samwise.

And I would have a lot of meals. You could go George Costanza. That's Jerry Seinfeld's sidekick. Is George the sidekick or is Kramer? Yeah, that's a good point. Maybe you could do either one. All right. I'm going with the lesser known Super Dog.

I'm going to take Crypto. I'm taking Superman's dog. Because how awesome... I don't know. Superman has a dog? Superman has a dog? Yeah, Google Crypto with a K. Bitcoin is doing very well.

Yes, there is a Super Dog dog and it's awesome because now you have a dog why would you name your dog your like the stuff that kills you your weakness yes exactly i don't and what what i'm gonna call my dog fatty just say fatty come on come on let's we're going on a walk fatty but you got because that's what kills me, Mike. That's what's going to be the end of my life. That was kind of deep. Yeah. That was just him admitting... My kidneys are covered in unsaturated fat.

But if you could have a dog... Subterranean? Not subcutaneous. Subterranean. It's below the earth. This fat is very deep. Below your earth? That's true. I would go with

Dwight Schrute because he would do anything for me. That's true. I'm Michael Scott in that situation and Dwight Schrute would kill for me. I'll take that. And he's pretty resourceful. And he would take a low salary to be an assistant to me. Is there any movie where will ferrell's a sidekick because then i'm taking him there uh old school he's kind of

like a he's kind of you want old school version of will ferrell dude that would be that that would be living my most fun life now i'm gonna burn your house down absolutely i get a dart in the neck but i'll enjoy every minute so does mike get the the underpants robin then yes no i get the dog we gave him to you oh that's right you pick the dog all right let's get into some would you rathers would you rather would you rather every time you sit down on the toilet, the seat be super sticky or super slippery? Oh my goodness. These are awful. I don't think I want to slip off onto the ground. I don't want to be trying to sit down and just keep slipping off.

I would rather slip off than sit on a honey seat where, oh, I can't get past the stickiness. And you have a sound when you get up? Because here's the deal. Let's just call it what it is. get out because here's the deal let's just let's just call it what it is this is do you want liquid or do you want a little more than liquid because if it's just like water it's just pure liquid okay it's slippery i don't want that i don't like that but if there's some thickness here but they're wait you don't you're assuming it's water no i'm I'm saying on slippery, it's some liquid. Urine is also slippery.

Sure, it's urine, okay? It's all over my toilet. It's not water. It's not water, but I'm saying it's the same consistency as water. To do your business, at least with the sticky honey-covered seat, you stay in place. You can do your business, mind you, horribly uncomfortable. But here's the thing. The slippery one, you might slip off the toilet in the middle.

But I know it's urine. I know what it is. If that seat is sticky, your imagination is running rampant. You have no idea what that substance is. It's much harder to get it off, to wipe it off. I genuinely wonder this. And this sounds like it should be really easy because one is a bad substance and one is great. But let's say that the toilet seat here is either covered in urine or it's covered in honey.

Right. Okay. Which one are you going with? Because I'm taking the urine. I'm sitting on the pee toilet. I am not going to sit down on a honey seat and have to wash that. How do you wash your backside from honey every time? And bears.

Is there any way to prank somebody into sitting down on a honey toilet? Yes. How do you do that? You've got to get the color out of honey. That's what you've got to do. You've got to find some clear honey. Excuse me. Do you have any decolorized? Do you have any bleached honey? I'm going find some clear honey excuse me do you have any uh clear honey decolorized

bleached honey i'm gonna google clear honey uh of course you are you can't just put out a clear version of it looks like honey crystal is available um not really you just got to get a beehive into the bathroom maybe if you spread honey thin enough on a seat yeah you know what i mean you wouldn't be able to really thin coat that's not the kind of i if you spread honey thin enough on a seat, you know what I mean? You wouldn't be able to perceive it. Really thin coat. That's not the kind of... Oh, I promise you that's sticky. I want you sitting down in a lot of honey, though.

It'll be sticky. It won't come off, though. What do you mean it won't come off? If I grab the bear honey... I'm saying if you go with a thin enough layer that... I mean, I guess there'll be some residue on your butt cheeks. You're darn right there, Will. I've never grabbed a honey container in my life where my hands were not...

Wait, do you buy the bear? Oh, of course I do. You buy the bear honey? The squeezy bear. I do honey. The squeezy bear is the worst. I do honey in the raw, man. Well, we have several.

But you go with just the plain cylindrical squeeze tube. Because the bear, you need Superman hands to make sure you get all that honey out. Why? See, that's not my issue. My issue is the stickiness. How do bears end up talking about honey bears and not this toilet problem? There's so many crevices on that stupid bear tube that

Mike has thought about this. This is a problem facing humanity that we are still selling the bear tube full of honey, and it should be eradicated from existence. It is very cute. Bears eat honey. Everyone knows that.

Therefore, bears sell honey to me. Yeah. You don't get your carrots out of the rabbit container? Exactly. Thank you for proving my boys. I don't know. I feel like a slippery seat.'s scary business man that is scary business can you imagine being you have people to the left and right of you and you're slip sliding

off that toilet wait you have people to the left and right of you oh you're in a public okay i'm like in my home i'm like who's in the bathroom with me why Why are there people in here? Let me go to the bathroom. I'm officially voting that I will take the slippery one despite the fact that it will be a little embarrassing to slap into the floor. I believe in my quadriceps enough to know that with this slippery toilet, I will be able to stay on.

And I'm going to take this as, since we have this amazing platform, men, we need to do better in our public restrooms. They are so disgusting. And if you're a parent of a young child and you're a guy, you know the struggle because you want to help out, you want to be a good dad, and the spouse says, hey, take the kid to the bathroom. And you're like, I don't think you understand how disgusting a men's bathroom actually is.

I can use that to not have to take him? You never used that? I never used that. I never used that. I thought it was a 50-50 trade-off. Oh, I mean, I've've i've had to i've had to be like that's why men pee on the ground to get out of taking their kids to the bathroom we need like women need an insight into what is happening inside a men's room would you pay money let's say you go to a facility there's a women's restroom there's a men's restroom and then women's restroom. There's a men's restroom. And then there's a clean men's restroom.

Paid men's restroom? I would pay. Would you pay? Yeah, absolutely. A dollar to open the door? Oh, a dollar is easy. It would have to be like $10 to make me question it. Let's say $5 is right on the threshold.

I'd pay $5 if I had a number two going on. That's exactly right. It's all dependent on the number. Have you guys seen the Port-A-Johns? I mean, these are like super high-tech where the second you go out of it, it just like a hose comes in and like sprays everything down. No. No.

Like super high-tech. Seems like it would be very wet in there. A little slippery. Could be. And then we've dealt with the slip, but it's not sticky. That's true. Upgrade. All right. slippery could be and then it we've dealt with the slip but it's not sticky that's true upgrade all right would you rather be unable to close any door once it's open or unable to open any door once it's closed i gotta think through this so like someone could close the door and you're stuck

in your bedroom forever well until someone else opens it sure it's not like the door itself is sealed it's just you can't open it why do i need to close doors that's what i'm trying to figure Well, until someone else opens it. Sure. It's not like the door itself is sealed. It's just you can't open it. Why do I need to close doors? That's what I'm trying to figure out. What? Well, I'm just saying in this situation. Yeah, okay. So this is another.

You're going to the bathroom. All restrooms are public if you have that one. Yeah. Otherwise, but if, you know, the alternative is you never get out of the stall. No, you climb under. You climb under. Oh, that's true. Or over.

On that floor? I'm going over. For sure. There's no way I'm going under. I want to see you go over a toilet stall, Mike, so bad. And I want to see you go under. And then we will put the black light on it. We'll see what has happened.

Because you'll want to see you go under. And then we will put the black light on it. We'll see what has happened. Because you'll want to burn your fingers off. If you can't open a door, you are at the mercy of others. Yes. You are 100% not in control of your destiny. Now, that being said, you could choose to not close any doors, right? Yeah. Once a door is open, you can't close it. Yeah, you have to choose.

That's the easy one. Right? I think you do. Because if the alternative is... There's going to be some real awkwardness. If you can't open any closed doors, I mean, even metaphorically speaking, how do you get a new job in life, even metaphorically speaking, how do you get a new job in life? Even metaphorically speaking?

Yeah, that door's closed. Oh, come on. You're just out front. Please let me in. I think I will take the one where I cannot close any door. Yeah, you have to. I don't feel like that's a real problem for my life. Your air conditioning bill is going to be door. Yeah, you have to. I don't feel like that's a real problem for my life.

Your air conditioning bill is going to be massive. Yeah. I didn't even think about that. That's fair. In Arizona, I mean, you're talking $800, $900 utility bills if those doors are open. No, because I would build my house with a very, very complex maze entrance. So the door would remain open. Wow. But there would be several switchbacks

before you got into the main part of my residence. That would confuse the air a lot. Or you have the pool safety door. I guess. The air will be like, which way do I go? I feel like it's, I don't know in my head,

it was much harder for it to get out if it has to go through a maze. If it has to go through. For the air. For the air. For the air. That the air. The air. That's everywhere that instantly fills any space it finds. The air is confused by a maze.

If there's one thing that can't get through a maze, it's the air. You did it. You solved the problem. People need to start solving their ac problems in arizona by building a maze into their house it didn't make sense in my head yeah well hold on stay with me all right i'm listening if the maze is approximately one day's worth of air long sure then like by the time very large house by the time it would would warm up it would be night again right i don't know man i don't know how air works in a maze apparently i don't know what's going on not a scientist um would you rather be on hold for 10

minutes anytime you make a phone call would you rather be on hold for 10 minutes anytime you make a phone call would you rather it take an hour for all your text messages to receive a reply all right i need i need to hear that again would you rather be on hold for 10 minutes anytime you make a phone call or would you rather it take an hour for all your text messages to receive a reply and while you think about that, I will say this. Anybody that is my friend, anybody that receives a text from me, if you reply quickly, I gain intrinsic respect for you as a human being. I just like you more. I just appreciate you.

You're available. You're ready to go. You care about that text that came in. That's true. They're saying that you're far more important than whatever else I'm doing. Than your family? Than your friends? Than the lives of others as I drive this vehicle?

You know what I... Strong point. You know what I find? The safety of the... You didn't respond right away. How dare you? Let me be clear. I'm not saying I want you to do that because you have to.

I'm saying that if you're one of those people that replies quickly, I just like you. I like you more. So you like me less because... You are not the best. But oftentimes, when someone sends me a text message and I need to know what they're saying to me, right? They send me a message that says, the game's at 5. You know, okay. I feel like I don't need to respond what they're saying to me right they send me a message says uh the game's at five you

know okay i feel like i don't need to respond to that he's been saying this for years i mean i he doesn't say he doesn't say okay he doesn't say i'm with you man later i get like uh you know accused of like dude did you get my text i'm like yeah i got it i got it right away like well you didn't say nothing i was like what was i supposed to say because when does it stop like thumbs up okay well now do you need to thumbs up my thumbs up letting me know that you have seen well then that would never stop and that's why apple messages added those little sub thumbs up you can thumbs up a message without replying jason you can have the common decency but do you let me know you message. Do you want to know why I don't send the message back? You're a monster?

Because I don't want to do the work. And whether it's a sub-thumb or a... Do you say thank you in generally? Like, hey, what time's the game? It's at five. And then do you walk away from the person? No. What do you do in public?

Okay. So you can't translate that amount of effort into a thumb uh emoji that is correct now i have worked on it i have gotten a little bit better because i feel like counseling i've gotten accused many times of not responding to texts i know there's someone in our in our fantasy industry that like i feel bad about because when they when they send a text i i i'm just bad at responding but then they feel hurt by it and i'm like no no no no like a text, I'm just bad at responding, but then they feel hurt by it. And I'm like, no, no, no, no.

Like, this is just... I'm pretty bad with text messages. This is just who I am. I just don't respond. So, Andy, I am the wait 10 minutes at least before you ever get a response in a text. You mean wait an hour? An hour. Oh, it's an hour?

Yes, it's an hour. Okay, but hold on. I'm going to addendum this. So, it's you're on hold for 10 minutes anytime you make a phone call, or it's down to 30 minutes, but that entire 30 minutes, the little three dots, like they're responding,

is there. So you're like on like watch pot never boils situation. Yes. Is that worse? Yeah, that makes it way worse. I think I'm taking the text one though. You want to know why?

I don't call people. And if I do call people, it's important enough to not have to wait 10 minutes. Yeah, what if you're going to 911? Exactly. It's like, please hold. Please hold. You are caller number nine. We should be able to reach you in 10 minutes.

Almost every place I call, I do wait on hold. That's true. Because those are the places I call. I call, you know, whatever. I need to call the electric company. Yeah, but you call your dad. He's like, yeah, please hold. So I'm bad with text, but I might be worse with phone calls. It's one of those things like my dad and I, we've got a great relationship. We love each other to death. He just took me out for and i we've got a great relationship we love each other to death we just you know he just took me out for my birthday it was a great time but if like we're both the type where we could go a year completely loving them and never communicating and since both

of us have that same issue we could just go forever without ever calling or ever talking or texting. So this was a taught behavior, is what you're saying. I think it's a genetic behavior. Your father passed this on to you. My father. Your father. My father passed it on. Your father basically said,

Luke, I am your father. When people try to contact with you, when they try to talk to you, make sure you don't respond to them. It's courteous. Yes. Luke. I am your father.

I am your father. Shut up. Oh, man. You guys still in on the maze idea with the hair? Oh, man. You're going to get that hair so good. I'll never see it coming. It'll stay cool if there's a maze.

I'm telling you. The Spitballers Draft. We don't record these, right? We don't record... These aren't recorded for public consumption. These are just private. Right? We're just spitballing.

Yep. Mike and I just hold on to it privately. Don't worry about it. Thank goodness. Thank goodness. goodness all right today's draft jason gets to kick it off the three of us it's kind of like a situation room we're all in a hardware store and look we've had enough of each other at this point we've talked all that we can talk jason hasn't responded to any of our texts we're're very upset. I'll get to it. And look, Mike, I've got problems with you as well, clearly. Big problems.

Big problems. Can only be solved one way. One way, and that is a... Fight to the death. This is how we handle everything. Fight to the death at a hardware store. You get to draft four items from your local hardware store, and then

we are fighting. We are battling. And there are no spears at a hardware store, Jason. Which is the clear problem with having the one-on-one. If you draft enough separate items, you could build a spear. And if you want to go that direction. I probably will. I'll need the duct tape. I'll need a pole. But, you know, I mean, look.

To me, there's two clear first picks. Really? There are. There are need a pole. But, you know, I mean, look, to me, there's two clear first picks. Really? There are. There are none to me. There are none to you. Well, that's great. So, Jason, you are the one that starts this fight, so you reach over and you pick up what with your first pick? Well, so, the one that I want, because

it's so fun, I don't think that'll make it back to me. But I'm not going to take it because, look, I mean, you started with the rocks and spears, and eventually we got to swords and knives and whatever. And then bow and arrows. And it's like, okay, guns win. Okay. Guns, it's ranged, and you can't get down to me it's gotta be a pneumatic air you know a nail

gun one of those i mean those things can shoot as good as the way you are or not take oh i am 100 you are never touching me you're not getting near me at least not without a bunch of nails in you you know how to load that thing oh yeah i yeah. I read the manual. Not likely. So you're taking a nail gun. Yes, it is. I had it on my list. It was on my top two pick list. And you said there's two clear items. Clear items. And I took the ranged item. Yeah, that

makes sense. By the way, every time I've had somebody do construction, like on my house or previous homes, and they come in with the nail gun, and they do a bunch of work, I have always found one nail in one random location. What's the range on those? Al Borland, do you know what the range of a nail gun is? It's significant,

I think. You can't really fire it without pressing it into something, so good luck with that. Jason! What? The beginning of Happy Gilmore, when he's shooting cans with the nail gun. That's not real? No.

In other words, you just drafted a melee weapon. No. You can steal nail gun people, but you have to be right up on their skin. Chainsaw. Chainsaw's my pick. I'm taking a chainsaw. No, I go back in time. I take the chainsaw.

I've got a chainsaw. I take the chainsaw. No, I have edited in time. I take the chainsaw. No, no, no. I've got a chainsaw. I take the chainsaw. No, I have edited it. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No, nail gun's cool. I'm holding down the thing that you need to... You're shooting yourself in the hand with a nail gun. If I got to, I will. I'll shoot through my hand at you guys.

Okay. All right. All right. I'm going chainsaw. Al, why'd you speak up? You jerk. Because I asked him. Al, why did you speak up? You jerk. Because I asked him. Mike, why did you speak up? Now, I will say this. To my previous story, I have found a nail like 20 feet from where they're working, like

stuck into the drywall. So I don't know whether he went over there and shot one in or it was a misfire. That's vandalism, bro. You do load it. You do load it. You do load it like a machine gun, though, right? You load it with like a whole, like a bunch of nails, a clip of nails? Yes. I mean, it's not in a cartridge.

They're just stuck together. Yeah, stuck together. There have to be nail guns that can shoot. For you, they do. I'm looking this up. All right. I'm taking the, Jason took the nail gun. I took a chainsaw.

Mike, you get two picks. Okay. Oh, man. The fight has broken out. Yeah, the fight has... Chainsaw, I was hoping it was going to slip down to me. Yeah, those were the first two picks. That was the one you thought of?

Yeah. So... Sorry, that's the one you passed on. That's what I meant. Okay, so I'm going to take a good old-fashioned, like, a nice long lead pipe. Okay. They sell pipe. Yes.

I like the visualization, though. They sell lead pipe? Well, I'm just saying, like, it's, or whatever, a steel pipe. I'm just saying it's not PVC. Yeah. They sell heavy-duty pipe. Yeah, yeah they sell plumbing and here's the thing when i go to the store like lowes or home depot hardware store ace i'm always like when i try to find trim or something like that i can never find the piece that's the right length it takes me forever so i'm visualizing you go for

the pipe but you accidentally have like the 12-foot piece, and you're trying to swing that thing. That's my visualization of what's going on. I mean, it's a good, I don't know, like four-footer or something like that. And then I'm going to take, man, I really like that chainsaw pick. So I'm going to take something that is, you know, it's pretty similar. So I'm just going to take a hedge trimmer. Okay. Now, a hedge trimmer okay now a

hedge trimmer that's the one that swings around the like little plastic no that's a weed whacker oh a hedge oh it's like a chainsaw a hedge trimmer looks very much like a chainsaw so you're just kind of you're working through there that yes that's i get it that makes sense do those hurt borland i would imagine yes yeah thank you Can't take a tree down, can you? No. Just a hedge. But then again, my arms and legs are much more like hedges than trees. So you both have a chainsaw.

Yes. And yes, we do. You've got a nail gun. You've got a, like, look, but here's the thing, Jay. If I got real close and I wasn't paying attention to my foot, you can nail that thing to the ground. You're going to have to get close to me no matter what. Because right now, nobody's ranged. Except me.

I'm still ranged. I'm shooting through my hand. Right. Right. Yes. Next on Jason's list, a table saw. Put your arm here. I hate you. Put your arm here. I hate you.

Put your arm right there. I'm going to take a sledgehammer. I'm going to take a sledgehammer. It's big. It's bold. I made it work out a little bit before I swing the thing around. I didn't go with sledgehammer, and I went with pipe because I feel like I can do the same damage, but I'm not going to wear myself out.

I don't think you could do the same damage, though. I only need one swing. Right. If it hits, but I'm going to get away same damage, but I'm not going to wear myself out. I don't think you could do the same damage, though. I only need one swing. Right. If it hits, I'm going to get away from that sledge every time. I could take you out with one swing of a pipe. I hope you went with PVC. That's what I hope you swing. I guarantee.

That's the way I specified it. I still don't know the pipe that you're getting. Now, on my list was a big one. What do you think's in your house, bro? PVC pipe. Not for your plumbing. You're talking about like little thin copper pipes? Bring it at me, bro.

They have heavy-duty pipes. You're Mr. Hardware Store. All this does is reveal how little we know about men. Mike is talking about black iron pipe. Thank you. Sounds intimidating. Sounds pretty cool. It sounds like if it hit you in the head, you would die.

I had rebar, like a big thing of rebar on mine, but I feel like that's too similar to like a lead pipe, but I feel like that would be better. Light, thin, never going to budge. It's also a really good pie. Oh, yes. A nice cherry rebar pie. All right. So I'm going to take a nice big axe.

Okay, a long, full-size axe. If I can shut... No, no, no half axe. Yeah, it's... Never axe anything. No, no, you always give a full axe on any job you're doing. That's a nice axe you picked. Right, you, yeah, yeah, always... We have no seven-second delay, just a reminder. Got it, got it. On any job you're doing. That's a nice axe you picked. Right. Yeah.

We have no seven-second delay. Just a reminder. Got it. Got it. All right. You're taking an axe with one of your picks. You've got a nail gun and an axe. An axe with one of my picks. And now I'm going to go somewhere.

You have like an electric hammer. Your nail gun. Oh, but it's amazing. I mean, you're just going to... His hand is torn to shreds, but he is firing. I am firing the map. He is currently firing. And look, my axe...

Have fun throwing your chainsaw, right? If you need to throw it, that's going to not work out well. I thought you took a giant axe. I took a very large axe, but you can throw an axe a whole lot easier. Well, obviously, whatever you throw is going to now be over there. I'm just saying, if the need arises, then I have a somewhat projectile object. I don't want hand-to-hand combat. That's why I took the nail gun.

The axe can keep you at bay, and I could throw it. And I'm going to take another one here. Oh, don't steal my pick. That is, it's a little bit ranged. This isn't going to kill you, but it's going to hurt you. It's going to disable you. I'm going for eyes. I'm taking a pressure washer.

Oh, you did take one of my picks. And I'm going to take the biggest, strongest pressure washer. That would suck. That thing can clean, you know. There's a chance you hit my chainsaw back into my own face. Yeah, I mean, exactly. That pressure washer, I mean. Okay.

What damage can a pressure washer do? I don't know, but that's a great pick. I mean, like Andy said, it could fire their own weapon. It would disorient Mike and I with our actual weapon. I can say this. I can say this with 100% certainty. If you, Al, right now had a pressure washer, a full pressure washer. Not a half pressure washer.

And I had to come at you, and you could spray me along the way. I would never get to you. I would not in a million years be able to run through that stream of like 100 mile an hour water. So your team is what right now? I have a nail gun, an ax, and a pressure washer. You know what you don't want coming at you? You don't want the chainsaw coming at you. Oh, don't take my pick.

While I'm on the back of a riding mower. Yeah, baby. You can walk faster than a riding mower. Here he comes. It took a riding mower. Oh, no. This bad boy's the fastest on the market. The fastest on the market is worthless.

And if I get you on the ground? Yes, if you can run over me. I'm going to end you. Wow. I am basically the hardware store equivalent of a knight on a horse. Here's what you got. That's like me deciding I'm going to take one of the little rascals for people that need a shopping cart to ride on in my quick google according to menshealth.com the the fastest lawn

or the fastest tractor fastest lawn tractor uh top speed of eight miles an hour oh oh man i'm never gonna be able to get away you Crap! You can't run eight? Of course I can run away with this thing. Borland, Borland, can I take the governor off these things? Can I take the governor off of one of those? Yeah, with your chainsaw. If you draft the right tools with your next pick, I guess. Dang it. How to remove governor from slow mower.

Crap. Chainsaw sludge. You know what? I can get all of my weapons around very effectively. That's true. On the back of that riding mower. Good luck hauling your gear, heavy man. I mean.

He just called you out at me? Heavy man? Goodness. Heavy tools. Yeah. All right. Look, I'm staying in one spot. I've got my compressor hooked up.

I've got my water. I'm by the water and the air tank's just going nuts at you two while you're trying to gingerly walk away from his mower. I'm coming quick. And he's like, oh, I'm going to get there someday. I'm coming so fast. All right. I need to be able to.

So fast. All right. I need to be able to get Jason. Yes. So I think this is low key. I think this is. I wonder if you're going to take what I'm afraid of. This is sneaky because these are small, but these are compact. And you could talk about a range weapon.

I'm going to take batteries. Oh, you're taking batteries? I'm taking batteries. So imagine a D battery coming right at your noggin, because I could throw those things for days and not get tired, and they're going to do some serious damage. If you can get close enough to me where I can't dodge that battery. Like, I'm going to keep you at bay.

You'll be shooting those batteries off with this power washer? I hope you've got, like, the 18-pack because they'll be gone soon. I have a lot of batteries. I draft all of the batteries. I do. Well, I do. I draft batteries. Then I'll also throw a car battery at you when i run out of the d batteries i don't

even know what tools are left for me to try to fight you off with all right uh let's see so i have batteries i have a hedge trimmer i have a pipe ah i'm man i'm good we're gonna we're just gonna take a good old-fashioned hammer all right just a good old fashioned hammer alright just a good old fashioned hammer okay that's fair not a sledge it's a little more portable you can probably run almost as fast as my riding mower I feel like if we get in

like not when we're like sword fighting range but if we get in close hand to hand combat nobody's got anything that can stop my hammer alright I have have to i have to clearly i've seen what jason vorhees can do with a hammer what's your team then i got a a good old fashion hammer i got a what's the iron pipe that i drafted you got a hedge black iron pipe black iron pipe a hedge trimmer and batteries all right and that's your whole team that's my whole team

all right i have a chainsaw a sledgehammer a speedy riding mower, and you know what? It may be against the Geneva Convention, but I'm going chemical warfare. I'm taking bottles of bleach, baby. Okay. I'm bleaching you. Okay. You better have a good motion to toss that bleach at the people. That riding mower, I'll be able to distribute the bleach just fine on my drive-by bleaching.

It's a drive-by bleaching. I'm going to get you with the bleach. Oh, no. All right. Okay. I'll baseball bat that bleach to you with my sledgehammer. You'll baseball bat the bleach to yourself? Yeah, that's going to explode all over you.

That's going to be all up in your own eyes. I hope you have goggles. No, he did not draft goggles. he did not draft i did not draft goggles dang it here's what i was afraid one of you guys was gonna take for my pressure washer pressure washer situation oh i was gonna take like a cover of a yeah like a metal garbage can i thought about it totally you got a shield because you know you can work your way in i thought i got around that with my speedy. With your speedy, yes. Right mower. Your mower's going to be real clean.

Oh, yeah. Yes, because I'm going to be watering it down on the way. I'll just climb up a shelf or something and then have fun riding around down there. And get hit in the head with a battery. Yes. Look, I will take several batteries in the body, I'm sure, and I will be fine. It will hurt. It will sting. I will give several batteries in the body, I'm sure, and I will be fine. It will hurt. It will sting.

I will give you that. I do feel like Jason could walk through an onslaught of batteries. You're not killing me with a battery. He'd be bruised, but he would walk through it. I would not like it. Remember? Heavy Man or whatever I called him. All right.

This is the final pick? Yep. Yeah. Final pick of the draft. Well, gentlemen, look. I think I got a good one for the last one. It just came to me. I've used them.

This will shock everyone in the room that I've actually used this before. But in college as a theater major, helping build sets, helping build metal sets and welding them together. It is a welding torch that I can use to burn this place down. If you guys could somehow find a way to put me in the corner, no one wins. Otherwise, I'm burning you alive. You're burning yourself alive, too? No, I'm not burning myself alive.

I'm in control of this torch. You said burn this place down. If I was going to lose. So it's I win or no one wins. That's it. Is bleach flammable? Al? I don't think so.

Because if bleach is flammable, your little torch thing is useless because he just has to throw bleach at you. You're going to ignite. I can turn the thing off. Man, I almost took some bolts, like nuts and bolts to throw that would have been worse than the batteries i would have been worse versions of batteries i want the triple a's it's more of a shotgun approach well but i mean they're all so tiny and weight you need something with some girth i assume you're getting like i'm getting batteries gone with some like is there any

gardening equipment we could have drafted could Could have gotten a razor blade. A razor blade? Yeah, utility knife. Yeah, you can get a utility knife. I mean, shovel was on. Backhoe was on my list. Yeah. Are there tridents?

Do people use tridents in the garden? Is that in the department store? I have not seen a trident. Actually, a pitchfork. Yeah. Get a pitchfork. That's a land. They call that a land trident.

I had a. Is a pitchfork. So that's a pitchfork. They call that a land trident. I had it. It's a pitchfork, so that's actually a really good one. I dropped that. I also had a crowbar. A crowbar is just... It's a lot like the black lead pipe. And that's why I didn't take it. I already had a black iron pipe of death.

I have a chainsaw, sledgehammer, a riding mower, and bleach. I have... What do I got? I got batteries, a hedge trimmer, a steel black iron pipe of doom, and what was my last pick? A hammer. A hammer. A hammer. All right, Jason. Hammer and batteries.

I've got a nail gun shooting through my hand at y'all. I got an axe, a pressure washer, and a welding torch. I thought pressure washer would just sneak its way over to me and then I wouldn't have had to drive my burn your guys' eyes out. With water? No, don't look at the blue light. Oh, I see.

Alright, what did you guys learn on today's show? By the way, you can vote at SpitballersPod on Twitter. You can also add your thoughts to the YouTube channel. YouTube.com slash Spitballers. Share with us some more draft ideas. We got a bunch of great ones this past week. We added them to our

bucket of draft ideas we'll be doing in the future. I learned that the only thing that can confuse air is a maze. I'm so proud of that. I learned that pneumatic air guns usually don't shoot unless you have pushed it into something.

Apparently they lie in the movies. Yeah, I've seen it. I've seen it in movies. I learned two things today. I learned that I don't want honey on my butt, and I learned that riding mowers are slower than I thought. I already knew about the honey. I learned that. Hey, we will see you next time.

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