Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 48: Dirty Dentists and The Best Comedy Movies - Funny Podcast

Episode Date: May 20, 2019

On today’s show, we dive deep into the paradoxes of time travel. Mike and Jason aren’t falling for Andy’s oversimplification of it. Mike also takes the time to educate the public on what a ‘Rosy Turd’ is. In ‘The Situation Room’ we discuss the etiquette of dentist hygiene. Not dental hygiene but the cleanliness of our dentists. We put a crown on this episode (low hanging dentist joke) with a draft of The Best Comedy Movies of all time! Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!   Connect with the show: Visit us on the web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, spit wads, when you run out of this great show and you're like, I want more shows, you can get access to our entire archive at spitballerspod.com. You can become an official spit wad of our Patreon, have access to everything we've ever made ad free at spitballerspod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. You cut that off way too soon, man. Get up, do-do, do-do, do-do-do-do-do! You cut that off way too soon, man. I was in it.

I should have kept going. I was in the seat. We had lifted off. The wheels were about to go up. I should have kept going. And then... I didn't have any air left. Yeah. Welcome to the Spitballers Podcast.

Andy Mack and Jason back again. Spitballerspod.com. The Twitter is at SpitballersPod. Welcome in. It's going to be a doozy. Oh, it's going to be a doozy. What was that? That was the...

Are you passing gas? What's going to be the doozy? I'll tell you what's going to be the doozy. Goodness, check his pants. He took a dump. I took a dump with my mouth. This is going to be an excellent show. Because we had a huge lunch right before this.

And I'm ready to pass out in word vomit as my brain has disintegrated into mush. Well, that's the best time to give life advice. You're darn right it is. Would you rather on the show? We've got a draft. They say you're never more honest than when you're full of nachos? Of rice and beans and

quesadillas and cheese crisps. Honest version of the show. Thanks to everybody out there subscribing, reviewing, supporting. We appreciate you, all the spitwads out there listening. We appreciate all of your ideas in the comments on youtube.com slash spitballers if you're watching. Especially the good ones. Yeah, mostly the good ones. Yes.

The bad ones, we don't... We appreciate them. Yeah, they're fine. I mean, just do better. Right. I mean, they could be better,, they're fine. I mean, just do better. Right. I mean, they could be better, but they're fine. Like when you read the idea and you go, that's a good idea. Yeah.

Leave it there. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Leave it there. We need draft ideas. All sorts of draft ideas in the comments, on Twitter. Send them across. We'll do them. We'll do the drafts on the show.

I promise. Oftentimes, we've done them. Yes'll do the drafts on the show. I promise. Oftentimes we've done them. Yes, we have. All right, let's get started. Would you rather? All right, Kiko from Twitter writes in. He says, would you rather have yellow teeth and minty fresh breath or pearly white teeth and horrendous breath.

Wow. That is a conundrum. Because you can always, I mean, like, if you have bad breath, you've got chronic bad breath, that's a plight. That's something you don't want to live with. You can chew gum, though. You can do that but i would say that the majority of people with the the horrendous breath are living in bliss

they don't they have no idea it does seem like bad clearly because then because they do something about it yeah they wouldn't have bad breath if they knew and you can't tell people well to be fair i have bad breath right now and I'm doing nothing about it. But you know. Yeah, that's why I'm keeping my distance. I just don't know how you tell a person with bad breath that they have bad breath. Oh, my wife tells me all the time. No, no, no, no. Well, that's different.

That's different. Wives can tell. I tell my children to tell me when my breath is bad. But a stranger, a friend, a coworker, that's... A stranger? bad but a stranger a friend a co-worker that's a stranger oh a stranger that'd be rough excuse me sir uh your breath is terrible how bad like you're the rest of your day is ruined i'm just going through i'm in the grocery store grabbing my cantaloupe excuse me sir some elderly gentleman your breath is rancid i'll be like oh what i mean because i don't think clearly these people have been offered gum and mints their

whole life and they have not picked up on the fact that there's some stank is that how you that's how you tell someone that yes that's that's the polite self-preservation as well. Right. Although... Now, do you offer them or do you ask? You pull out your stick of gum and always put it in your mouth right near them. I was just going to say... So that they ask. Do you pull out the gum and say, oh, do you want a piece of gum? And they say yes. And then you don't even take one.

You just put it back in your pocket. What about when you pull out the gum and you're like, oh, you want a piece of gum? And they're like, no, I'm good. And you're like, oh, you want a piece of gum? And they're like, no, I'm good. You're like, hmm? Okay. I think it's fair to say here you don't get to circumvent your horrendous breath with some gum chewing. You got bad breath or you got nice teeth. It's like when you go in the bathroom and you're like, wow, it smells like a rosy turd in here.

Because someone goes to the bathroom. A rosy turd? And they try to cover it up with some potpourri. It doesn't smell like potpourri. No, it smells like poop mixed with potpourri. There's a turd in the flower bed. Okay. I've never heard that referred to as a rosy turd.

Because no one has ever uttered that phrase until a genius like me came through. You notice that sometimes your house like you might have like a bad bag of trash right in the house yes but you don't know because everybody in the house has is in the house right and then somebody leaves they go to the store they go to work they come back from work they walk in the door and they go oh my gosh it's terrible in here but everybody else in the house really i didn didn't know that. That's life for the bad breath guy. They don't know. They don't know.

Yeah, you're unaware. And maybe their friends and family don't even know anymore. And here's the worst thing for the bad breath guy or gal, is that they have experienced it in other people too. It's not like they're the bad breath person, so they have no idea what it's like. And that's what makes telling them so important yet difficult. Right.

Now, I used to go to an orthodontist, got braces as a kid. I would go in to get my braces adjusted, right? They tighten them up, they put new bands on them, whatever they do. Torture you. They torture you. Well, the torture was so much worse for me because I would always get the same nurse. No! so much worse for me because i would always get the same nurse and the same nurse would always have just finished eating something and mixed in with her terrible breath and i had to sit there

while she's working in my mouth with awful breath as like a 10 11 year old i feel like if you are a an assistant working at a dentist office or an orthodontist office, and you have bad breath, that's a fireable offense. Like your entire job is oral hygiene. She didn't just have bad breath. She had bad breath. She would always eat before she saw me, and so she'd be like cleaning her mouth out with the snacks,

and she'd always have a cigarette break right before. Oh! That is not a joke. No! Yes, yes. Eventually I had my have a cigarette break right before. Oh. That is not a joke. No. Yes. Yes. Eventually, I had my mom call the dentist's office and request some other nurse to do my-

Wow. Did she give a reason? Yeah. I think they had to have a little argument about- She was bad at her job, too. On the top of it all, she'd always poke me and prod me. But yeah, bad breath. That's so embarrassing. You can't be close to anyone.

I'll take the yellow teeth, and I'll just keep my mouth shut. But if you've got the white teeth, you've also got the bliss. The what? The bliss. The ignorance. You don't know that you've got bad breath, necessarily. No, in this scenario, you know. So I know.

I know this. So I'm just terrified to talk to anybody. You know you have horrific breath. You have pearly whites. You have a movie star smile. It's kind of like right now. Your teeth are wonderful. Yeah, and breath.

Your teeth are perfect. I guess then I'll take the yellow teeth with the fresh minty breath. I will take the bad breath. The pirate's life for you. Wait, what are you taking? I'm take the bad breath. The pirate's life for you. Wait, what are you taking? I'm taking the bad breath. Oh, you want the nice teeth too? Yes.

All right. The nice thing is for this job, we're on YouTube. They can't smell my breath. They can see the pearly whites. Do you guys, this might sound strange, so I'll try to explain it the best I can. You'll be watching a movie and you're in the comfort of your own home. You got the air set.

You got it like it's 75 in your house. You are living the life. And you're watching these people who are in just horrible places when it comes to weather. Do you feel it? I don't know. That's what I'm saying. I can't. I cannot embody these characters.

I can't get into the scene because i'm like wow it's so too comfortable because it's so nice in my house i don't feel their pain turn your heat way up and you watch like uh so i've never felt their pain because i i'm not because you're a sociopath we got it i'm no but i can empathize i can empathize with that what the character is going through without feeling cold myself. What we do, Mike, is we go, man, I remember that time in my life I was really hot. And that must be what they feel like. Or, alternatively, if I've never been in whatever crazy situation they are, I use what I call my imagination.

And I say, what would it be like to see what this character is going through? I have not been to Mars. I'm far too comfortable to enjoy this movie. That's what I say. It's hard to explain. I'm not stranded on Mars. But like, I don't relate. Or so they'll be like, let's say they're in the jungle.

And you'll romanticize what they're doing because you are comfortable. You're not imagining actually being on that location going, oh, wow, the humidity there must be 95%. It's 95 degrees, except it looks awesome. You are right. We do not understand. Okay. All right. I think it's the movie's job to tell us all those issues.

If they're not having issues, if I'm able to romanticize their plight in this jungle, it's because the movie has done a bad job realizing that plight. Well, I hope I've ruined movies and you guys start doing this from now on. I'm going to keep an eye out, and I'm going to see. I think my imagination will cover this problem. Would you rather have a one-minute conversation with your past self or your future self? Wow. One minute. One minute.

One minute. Yes. One minute conversation. My future self. Well, see, minute. Yes, one minute conversation. My future self. Well, see, the future self, you're getting information from them. The past self, you're telling information to them. That's the way I would view it, right? Your past self, you want to give them one minute worth of information that fixes your future.

Hold on. Now we're in a time travel paradox. This doesn't make sense because they're both the same thing. No, because they're in alternate realities, Jason. Okay. If you talk to your past self, that is a different timeline that has moved on. You are no longer a part of it. You're making the argument that as long as you talk to your past self, you're talking to your future self.

And 100% that's the argument. Because they'll have the information of the past. Because if I go and talk to my past self, then I now remember that. It's like Bill and Ted. No, you're wrong. That's the way that my reality would work. I am remember that. It's like Bill and Ted. No, it's not. You're wrong. That's the way that my reality would work. I am choosing both. You can't go back in the past.

Let's say you go in the past. You don't get any information about what happens later. There's no way to get information from that. I'm taking the back to the future approach here. The back to the future approach that says, when I go back in the future, or back to the past, when I go back there and I do something, the picture disappears because

that never happened anymore you know what i mean but you will still never be able to find out what happens tomorrow by going and talking to the past so if your future self no but you will know that this conversation like you'll you'll know everything that has already happened in the conversation for sure if you're talking to your past self because now you're actually just you have already lived through it and you're just reliving the conversation from the other side of the story i wish you guys could see what's going on in my brain right now it's it's this empty void of confusion borland borland time travel is very it's not no you're over complicated this is not that confusing, right? No. No.

Here's the thing. You go to the future and you could say, hey, what happens? How are my kids? How am I doing? What's going on? What's the lotto number

from last week? Whatever. Or you can go to the past and say, hey, in a couple years, don't date that girl. In a couple years, don't make that decision.

So then when I get back to the present, did that change change theoretically yes you've you could potentially save something bad from happening and yes your new your new reality is what i'm saying though is if you tell your past self to do something avoid this relationship the second you say it it's now gone from your memories because you've never actually lived through it. You've created an alternate timeline though. Yeah, so you have to talk to your future self. Yeah, you're helping the past self it's not going to do any good for you.

You're helping a different version of yourself that doesn't actually exist. Man. Okay, well now I know. This question could easily be interpreted much more simply. Would you rather let me ask you this. Would you rather, let me ask you this. Would you rather know what's going to happen or be able to fix something? Or know what's already happened.

Or would you rather know what's going to happen? Okay. Or be able to fix something that already happened? It's the same question. No, because if you fix it, then it never actually happened. Then it never happened. And you can't fix it. Right.

You don't have a regret, a mistake, something in your past that you wish you did differently? But if I did it different, then I wouldn't have it. Exactly. Me and Jason are on the same page here. We're talking to the future self, and I'm living my new best life for it. I understand what you're trying to say, but you're defeating the argument of like, would you rather fix something that's happened or would you rather just know something is going to happen?

Yeah. And that could just be a question of like, hey, have you made a giant mistake you wish you could undo? Sure. Well, I'm perfect. Like, is there any sweet advice you'd give your former self that you didn't have when you were 20? What would be your minute conversation in the past, Mike?

What would you... Like, don't put those JNCOs on? No. No, that was a great decision. Yeah, Mike lives with no regrets. Any tattoos you wish you didn't get? Probably my first one. Yeah?

Yeah. But then when you tell, don't get this tattoo, maybe that self took this as a way bigger... It could be even worse. Now you come to the future, you have none. You didn't get any. Did you get that Bieber tattoo removed or no? Not yet.

Okay. Not yet. Living that Justin life. What would you say to your past self then, Jay? Do you not know? Oh, man. What would I say to my past self? That you can say publicly.

What would I say? See, that's the other easy part about this conversation, right? But you only got a minute. If you say you've got one minute, go to the future, I know exactly... All I have to do is listen. What would you say, though? You got one minute in the future. What information do you really want?

I would say... Well, first of all, it would be obvious how old I am at least, right? You would ask how old you are? Yeah, I'd say, how old are you? You'd say, I'm 62. I'd be like, yes, I'm going skydiving tomorrow. Because you think you're impenetrable now? Yeah.

That's not true. Oh, that's... Unless you're... Are you saying to me that the vase wouldn't have broke if she never said that the vase broke? That's exactly what I'm saying. All right, we got to move on to the next question before I implode.

Have your favorite movie or TV show. Wait, what is this question? Would you rather have your favorite movie or TV show ruined? So your favorite. I think it's. Would you rather have your favorite movie ruined or your favorite TV show ruined? Movie. 100%. Movie? 100%. Because it's an isolated. Movie. 100%.

Movie? 100%. Because it's an isolated... Yes. It's one thing. Like, and I'll give the spoiler on this. No, my favorite movie is Braveheart. The Statue of Limitations is well over for Braveheart.

You've had 20 years. Like, he dies. Like, okay, that stinks. But I was not invested. Also, it invested it's also like it's also historical based on it like it's right it's hollywood it up but it's still based off of a actual historical figure right no don't tell me that but the thing is is when you have a they're all dead all historical figures are dead when you have a tv show that's ruined you could be seven years into the story are you the kind of people that really hate spoilers

oh because there are some people i just talked to somebody at the gym the other day they go you can't spoil anything for me i look for spoilers they before they see the movie they go out and they try to figure out what happens in the movie. Why experience it then? That's their personality. What? Why would they want to do that? They don't care. They just want more information about it. How do you not care? It's the... Mike, people do watch...

Just watch the movie twice. Well, no, hold on. People do watch trailers for a reason. They kind of want to be enticed. This person would like the trailer to tell them everything because they want to be super enticed. Right, but the trailer for Sixth Sense wasn't Bruce Willis going,

ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. But this person wished that it was. Like that movie would not have been nearly as successful if that was right there in the trailer. If everybody knew that going in, it would never have been a hit at all. Hold on. There are people that want to know the ending. Yes.

This is blowing my mind right now. They're serial killers. They're all serial killers. There's something wrong if you want to know the ending. I stand by this. Shall we dish out some advice? Yes. Spitmolers to the rescue. All right.

Jim writes in from the website. Need some life advice. And who better to ask, honestly, than Jason, Mike, myself? We dish it out. It's always perfect advice if you follow it. You will be able to go into the past or future. One and the same, my friend. I need some life advice. And you are the same, my friend. I need some life advice,

and you are the only three I trust. I am a dentist. I know, I'm sorry. I am a human just like everyone else. There's nothing wrong with being a dentist. I'm polite, so I don't use the bathroom in the office because it's small

and the smell would be very noticeable. Instead, I walk down the hall to the public restroom. The other day, I finished my business and walked out to wash my hands, only to see the man whose mouth I am about to put my fingers into. It was wildly awkward. Now what do I do? Well, first of all, first of all, you're not washing your hands.

You're scrubbing in. At this point, this is full-on doctor scrubbing to the elbows. You're rolling up the sleeves, and you have to be holding your hands vertically. Your arms have to be held out vertically to show how important this is to you, and you start scrubbing. You're taking a bath in this bathroom. That's step one. I agree that you need to make a very vigorous effort with your washing.

You then need to follow it up with basically a secondary wash at the office that you carry on into the room. You need to be wiping down with some antiseptic or something, and then you're coming in the room, and you're clearly once again evidencing that you're drying your hands right now. What if he goes the other way? Or gloves. What if he goes the other way,

and he just lets a little piece of chocolate melt right on his finger he's a bad dentist mike man you're opening up a whole new world for me though like i've never thought that i could possibly eat chocolate and have my dental work done at the same time well i'm just inferring that the dentist did not wash his hands no i know what you're inferring i'm moving on from the fact that, I mean, maybe if it's a close friend of yours, that's a joke you play on him. Wait, this is

You guys love pranks. I like, I like a prank. This one's This is the one that's too far? This one is He's a professional. He could lose his tooth license. Yeah, like Your tooth professional. He could lose his tooth license. Yeah, like your tooth license.

He's licensed to tooth. Licensed to tooth. Oh, man. I'm so good at toothing. You didn't know they have to get licensed in each type of tooth. Molars. Oh, man. Panines. Bicuspids.

That's the tough one. Yeah. What are these? What are your front ones? What are those called? What are those? Are those just front? Those are just... Those are just your front teeth. Basics. Are those What are these? What are your front ones? What are those called? What are those? Are those just front? Those are just your front teeth. Basics?

Are those your bunnies? That's what I call them. Your bunny teeth. Borland, do you know what your front teeth are called? I'm sure you do. What are those called? I don't know. Why don't you effort that over there? We'll come back to you. I will call them the... Please look up your dental handbook. Cuspids. They are not bi. Oh, they're not bi? There's only

singular. There's only one cusp to them? Are those they're not by there's only there's only one singular one cusp to them are those are those the incisors oh no incisors are your canines those are your sharp teeth yeah that's my meat teeth that's right the front teeth between your canines are called incisors i take it back those are your incisors wow. That's a really intense name for a flat, dull tooth. Yeah. It's the incisors. I think what happened is when these first were getting named, the guy said it wrong. Those are the incisors.

They're inside the... But he probably had the cottoners around for his... These are the incisors. And so they're the incisors. And is everything reversed? Everything on the bottom is the same name as the top? Yeah. Those are the outsizers now. Oh. So you've got the incisors. And is everything reversed? Everything on the bottom is the same name as the top? Yeah, those are the outsizers now. So you've got the incisors.

Stay golden. The outsizers. In this situation, I don't know what you do other than scrub up, put the gloves on. You have to go. And then go. Sorry about that poop in there. You go back into the bathroom with the guy, and you just prove it. Wash your hands again.

Wait, wait, wait. I want to show you something. Turn on the water. Use the soap. This doesn't really matter, right? Because he's going to wear gloves. Dentists don't normally wear gloves. Yes, they do.

What? No, they don't. What kind of dentist do you have? Your dentist doesn't wear gloves? They don't? Your dentist has... If your dentist doesn't wear gloves... Holy crap.

You've got a program. What dentist are you going to? I'm pretty sure my wife just visited your dentist. Hold on. And he wore gloves? I'm going to have to ask her now. Does your dentist only accept cash? Yeah.

Do you go to his home to have the dental work done? How did you guys know all this stuff? And there's free roaming cats. Yeah. Sounds about right. My question was going to be. And his wife is the dental hygienist, right? Yes.

Isn't that normal? Yeah, very normal. Your teeth go full out. My teeth are in trouble. I'm going to contact my wife immediately. But if you're wearing gloves, does it matter? Does it matter? Put yourself in the other situation. Mike, you're the guy that's caught in there. You're in there. You it bother you? Does it matter? Put yourself in the other situation.

Mike, you're the guy that's caught in there. You're in there. You know he just dropped one. He's washing up. Are you very comfortable in that chair? I'm fine. All right. Dan from the website, I've been invited over to a friend's house for dinner.

The food is good, but could really use some extra spice. What is the appropriate amount of spices to ask for? Salt and pepper are okay, but what if I wanted more spices? Is that okay? This is a very needy, entitled individual. Did you bring a spice belt? Utility belt? I got my paprika.

I got my garlic salt. Oh, man. I mean, this person is really into if you go to a place where it is not spiced enough. What else would you ask for? I literally don't know

because I'm not a Cholula. Besides a hot sauce or a ketchup, but that's a condiment. You don't say I need extra crushed red pepper or something like that. Sure. He busts out his own crushed red pepper. I'm confused here.

Pulls out a cutting board. Is this spices or is this it needed more spice like it needed to be spicy? Because that's easy. That's hot sauce. I don't think it's that one, Jay, because he talks about salt and pepper being okay. But I wanted more spices. So more things like salt and it's that one, Jay, because he talks about salt and pepper being okay. But I've wanted more spices.

So more things like salt and pepper. Excuse me, do you have an herb garden? May I visit it? I need some human, please. Look, eat what they cook. Yes, eat what they cook. You're fine. You've been invited to a friend's house.

The food is good. The food is good. Not great. I only eat great food. This has to be a friend. He has dinner over there every week, right? And every week he's left wanting. Yeah.

Oh, man. Dan, it's going to be okay. It's going to be all right. You're fine. I know my wife and I, we like to overflavor foods. And it is really annoying when we go to the bland house. It's like, okay, these mashed potatoes are like, where's the butter? More butter, more salt, more everything.

Just to be clear, when you say you like to overflavor foods, what you mean is put butter in different foods in bigger quantities. Larger amounts of butter. Yes, that's what I just said. Have you been to a house where you're a guest and they're serving foods and they're just really all

no chance you would touch these foods in your own context. You would never eat that vegetable. You would never eat that main dish. You would never eat that None of it. None of it. Have you been in a situation where you've had a very uncomfortable

because you kind of got to gag it down at that point or leave a bunch on your plate. Thankfully no. I was going to say it's such a blessing and a curse to be able to eat all of the things. See I had a situation where the first time I met my wife's parents, she had told them wrong information about the foods I like, and I had two foods that I had.

I was forced to eat them to make a good first impression. So it's an awkward situation. What food? What was it? It was like Brussels sprouts and sweet potatoes. Oh, which one of those Brussels sprouts is great. Yes. But I wasn't a fan of either at the time.

And I just had to, like, choke it down. I'm going to say that. Did you ask for ranch? I should have. That's what I got. Any ranch? Got any more spices?'s what I- You got any ranch? Got any more spices? Can I get some more spices, please?

Dan, no one likes you. All right, Chris from the website. This is about a four star. The food is good. Do you mind if I cook next time? The food's good. Yeah, that's right. You cook, Dan.

Thank you for your question. All right, Chris says, Recently, my son got in trouble at school for throwing a piece of pizza on a windowsill i want to be the parent what i want to be a parent that uh the parent and punish him but at the same time it's pretty funny what do you guys do when you feel like you need to discipline your kid, but what they did is actually really, really funny? Oh, man. Oh, this speaks to my heart.

Because my number one goal as a parent is to make my kids funny. That is probably way too high on my priority list. Can you make somebody funny? Yeah. We've trained them up. We've definitely trained them up. They understand all the art of sarcasm. Really? Did you invite someone over to do that, or it my wife it's all it's all been my wife um and so well done but this actually brings a memory back for me i remember i i got in trouble once in grade school it was in uh it

was either seventh or eighth grade and i got sent to the principal's office one time and it was for writing inappropriate things in the yearbooks of some fellow female friends of mine right and you know it wasn't it wasn't like the end of the world stuff and these were actual like i wouldn't write this in people I didn't know, but, like, I was really close with these people. Sure. I was like, hey, call me this summer. Sure. 1-800-2-WORD.

Right, right, right. But if you were the father. Right. Reading your daughter's yearbook going, what is happening at this school? Yeah, the kids did not have a problem with it. It was the kids' parents that didn't like it so much. And so they contacted the principal. Principal pulls me out.

I come to the tune where I had to wait in the principal's office for my mother to come from work to pick me up. And I was suspended for a couple days. So this was the biggest thing that ever happened. That's almost as bad as any punishment you can get in grade school. They suspended you? Yes, for a couple days. And this was easily the biggest I had ever been in trouble.

But here's the thing. And I will remember this forever. It was so amazing. In the principal's office, my mother made me feel extremely small and she was the parent and she was going to take control of the situation and we got in the car and she drove me to Tony Roma's for some ribs and we had a whole play date and it was a blast and I had so much fun on that suspension and I never got in trouble because she knew. She knew, like, okay, these were friends. I know that you are friends with them.

And it was like, okay, it's inappropriate. You should not have done that. But, like, come on. This is like, you probably should throw your pizza on a windowsill. How did that make you feel? But come on, it's pretty funny. How did that make you feel? It was one of those bonding moments with my mother that was like, it helped our relationship.

I have the same type of story. I've always remembered when your parent is your biggest advocate and they don't take things too seriously because I made like a videotape. You guys know from early Spitballer Show. I was pretty good with the recording. Yes. You're a high tech man.

And I made a poor choice. I was mad at a friend. I was a young lad. Had a couple at a friend. I was a young lad. Had a couple other friends over. We were all mad at this other friend. So we made a fake radio show on a tape. And we made fun of that friend.

And we made fun of that friend's mom on the tape. We did impressions. And it was real funny to us. This is not good. And I kid you not, what happened is we became... We obviously reconciled with the other friend in like a day. So we think it's fine to tell him what we did and play him the tape. And lo and behold, the next day, that mom showed up at our house. I think I remember.

And it was so embarrassing for me. I felt so bad. And then I played the tape for my dad. And he may or may not have laughed a lot. A lot. And we felt really bad and we were sorry. Genuinely sorry. But having him not be super angry and upset and having him go to bed for you like you did.

And he destroyed the tape for us. This also very much depends on the child. Please, parents, understand this. Not all of our kids are good, okay? Because I remember being in grade school, and there was like this just real bad apple, and he was always getting to the principal's office every time the parents were like,

my kid would never. And so they never, ever, ever corrected that kid's course. Because they didn't believe they were actually guilty. They did not. Yeah, 100%. So, no, you're kidding. If they're good. Well, if this kid's going to throw pizza on windowsills the rest of his life,

he might need to have a conversation with him. Yeah. Also, give me a slice. Yeah, I mean, if there's any punishment handed down, Chris, your son does not know the true value of pizza. Yeah, you ground him from pizza for a month. You don't get pizza for a month. Ooh, don't get...

That's a little harsh. Cruel and unusual. Yeah, seriously, man. Too much, too much. I felt bad when I said it. Can we edit that out? You ground your kid? Orlin, can we...

We got to edit that out. That was too far for this podcast. You ground your kid from pizza? You know who else you just grounded from pizza? Oh, no, no, no. No, sir. I'm ordering me some pizza. I'm eating it right in front of him.? Oh, no, no, no. No, sir. I'm ordering me some pizza. I'm eating it right in front of them.

Just nom, nom, nom, nom. Then you're going to have all that. Bet you wish you had some of this. You're going to have extra pizza. I guess that's not a problem for you. Sorry. Whoops, you got extra pizza. All right, let's draft.

The Spitballers Draft. All right, we are returning to the world of TV and movies, drafting the best comedy movies of all time. Now, I have a feeling that these movies will probably fit the context of our own ages and life and the movies that we loved growing up. Not some list of older movies that we didn't grow up in. I have an infinite amount of comedy movies that I love. Now, I have a first pick in this draft.

And for me, there's only one movie that jumped into my mind. It's kind of like just an all-time great and a classic and one that can be re-watched and that you die laughing in and that's dumb and dumber so i'm gonna take number one i'm gonna take dumb and dumber number one um i'm very happy to hear that because i would have had to consider it knowing that it would not make it through jason's book and picks and then i would have to gamble the pick that i actually wanted to go with. That's fine. So I'm dumb and dumber, number one. It's a solid pick. I'm going to go with what I think is the funniest movie,

the most rewatchable comedy. Stars the one and the only Ron Burgundy. I will take Anchorman with my first pick. Certainly. I don't know if there is a single line in that movie that you can't find a place in your life to quote it. No. Ron Burgundy is fantastic.

Will Ferrell is one of the goats. And that movie would not have come back to you. Al Borland. Did you see Dumb and Dumber when you were a wee lad? I did. He probably hasn't. Yes. Okay.

And Brooksie, uh, Brooksy, did you just not? Okay. I still, cause I love Dumb and Dumber. And to us, our age group, it's like, this is one of the best comedies of all time. But I feel like once my kids are of age and I'm like, I got to show you this hilarious movie. Nope. It will hold up.

I promise. I am very concerned it won't i i will i will stake everything i own on it holding up i promise you it will all right i mean that's a very strong words from a man who didn't even pick it well i couldn't pick it i will am i allowed to pick it now no no i'm just saying you have historically been a disparager of others' picks. I don't disparage great picks. I just disparage bad picks, which just so happens to be all the time around me. Okay, so obviously Ace Ventura, that's locked and loaded.

Wow, so Carrie is pulling down two of our top three comedies of all time. It would have been Ace Ventura and Dumb and Dumber. I would have had a real hard time picking between those two. The fact that you made the choice a little bit easy. I guess I'm at the turn here, so it would have been great if they both got back to me. I would have gone

Anchorman as well. That was next on my list. We're doing pretty well here. Spitwads, go watch these movies. Enjoy yourself. I think this is where it gets far more interesting yes it gets far more interesting much more difficult here i've got a list of different types yeah so i'm gonna i'm gonna go a little deeper here um this movie does not get enough credit i don't think it was quite our age group's massive runaway hit the way that some of the

Jim Carrey and Will Ferrell movies were. But it's genuinely one of the funniest movies I have ever watched. I watched it again a couple weeks ago, and I forgot how out loud funny it was. Sparked a whole trilogy. But I'm taking the first Hangover movie. Wow. The Hangover is unbelievably funny. sparked a whole trilogy but i'm taking the first hangover movie the hangover well is un unbelievably you're going with the hangover yes it is it is unbelievably funny it really is i guess

it you're right man i think that the i think the two movies after have yeah it kind of soiled the legacy of how good that movie actually i. I'm not taking the series. I'm taking the first one. Mike, that means it's up to you. Right. Jason, you've got to be thrilled having the third pick in the draft and getting your pride and joy Ace Ventura, the one that you live. I mean, look, my main league, my fantasy football team name is the Ventura Bravehearts

because they're the two best movies of all time. Alright. Ace Ventura and Braveheart. You ever watch them back to back? Have you ever seen either of those movies? Ace Ventura or Braveheart, the two best movies of all time. Have you seen either? I have not. You are a loser! Genuine question.

Have you ever been inside of a movie video store, like a blockbuster from the days of old? Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. Doubt it. What does it look like? Describe it to me.

Dang it. All right. So I've got a – this is trouble for me because there's a duo of movies from a superstar comedian, and I – picking between – like this is a real – Of movies from a superstar comedian. And I... Picking between... Like, this is a real... I know exactly which one you're talking about. And you realize that I'm in full Sophie's Choice over here. Oh, yeah.

Because they probably won't get past me. Well, I'm taking one of them. But which one is actually funnier? I don't know the answer to which one is actually funnier. I mean, without a doubt. And honestly, I should have taken it. go for it go for it i'm gonna take happy gilmore all right all right that was a choice you could make yeah so what is your team happy gilmore and what is your first anchor man and happy gilmore happy gilmore great movie

obviously you were considering that or billy madison that is what i was doing um i've got two that i need to select i haveumb and Dumber as my first pick. Man, I'm going to take Tommy Boy. Tommy Boy is 100% being picked. That was the answer to the two movies that I thought. You were thinking Tommy Boy or Black Sheep. We can throw that out because

I like Black Sheep. Black Sheep is not anywhere in the realm. I agree. It's funnier than Remember because it was a letdown from Tommy Boy. But I will just say this. When you brought this up and I wrote Tommy Boy down on my list, I feel like I was not allowed to breathe until after Andy picked. Because I know there was no way it's coming all the way back.

I know that, but it's devastating. I've never seen a comedy movie more times than Tommy Boy. The age I was growing up, when it came out, I watched that movie like once a week for like a year. That's how often I... Right. What do you call him from Milwaukee? Tucky?

Yeah. Oh, that's fantastic. Did I catch a Niner? Dumb and Dumber, Tommy Boy, and one more pick. And this one, it gets harder because I could leave you with the double. Sure. See what happens. But what do I think gets back to me?

This is really difficult. I'm going to take Billy Madison. I'll just take it. I don't want you to have both. And it was so funny. I thought you were going to let it go through. So funny. I'm not going to let it go through.

Which one did you take? I took Gilmore. I'm just a little sad because I have two others I'd like to take and only get one more pick. Which one do you think is better, Jay? Gilmore. Yeah? Yeah.

I honestly don't know. I actually think it's a teeny bit better. When I was... It depends on your personality. When I was that age, we had a group of three of us that were absolute best friends. And the amount of times that together we watched Happy Gilmore. It was like we had a summer where apparently all we did was watch Happy Gilmore. I'm telling you, as kids

you had lots of time and you just watched movies over and over. That's what I'm learning. So I have Dumb and Dumber, Tommy Boy and Billy Madison. Mike, it's back to you. You have Anchorman, Happy Gilmore and... Now we're riding the

struggle bus, my friends because no no one is clearly separating themselves from the top oh i'm really upset that you took billy madison because i think i would have easily won the won the entire draft if you would let that one drop i have three picks three movies that i really want to pick from and clearly i only have two picks left so i'm going to take sorry guys this i'm struggling this is this i'm struggling over here and people are screaming on the other end oh they're screaming out their favorite're screaming out their favorite movie. I have a feeling some of the ones that are older than us

are screaming out some older movies. Honestly, there's some great ones. There's some older movies on my list here. I have no idea what Jason's going to take, which is also eating into me. I will take...

You're going to pass. No, I'm not i'm not gonna pass i'm gonna take my favorite movie even though i think it's not necessarily the vote getter but it's what i think is the funniest movie of all time i will take airplane oh okay airplane is on my list and one of the funniest movies of all time i just knew that it would like i would have taken it first, but I knew it would fall in the draft. I'll be honest with you. If you didn't bring up Billy Madison, I probably would have taken Airplane. Oh, well, that works. There you go.

It works out. So is Airplane really your favorite? Airplane is the funniest movie ever made. It is so knocked down funny at every, you know, you make fun of me for why I like the comedy inside of M.A.S.H. that's quick hit over and over and over again. That's the kind of humor in Airplane.

It's like every line... I'll be honest, I've never seen M.A.S.H. It's like every single line of Airplane is a joke within a joke. And that's what's fun about it. That's a great pick. Anchorman, happy Gilmore Airplane. I think you have a great team. Yeah,

this is really tough. You've got two picks, Jay. Yeah, I've got two picks. If you somehow take my two movies, I will quit the show. I can't imagine that I would take your two movies here. I can't either. We're a bit different here. Yeah, we've got different tastes, but I mean, it's so funny because there's so many great movies,

but I don't want to take any of them because when I take them, let me explain it because I see the look on Brooks's face in the background. What the heck does that mean? I don't want to take any because when I select any of them. You feel like you're insulting the others? I am deselecting all the others. And it's like, no, that's not.

You can pass. That would be. I almost did. You can go into the vote with Ace Ventura and The Hangover. Nothing else. Ace Ventura and The Hangover. All right. I'm going to take Wedding Crashers.

That one is. You are blowing my mind here. Yeah. No, it's great. But just not what you expected. Yeah. I would not expect you to say that's one of the funniest movies of all time. He needs his toe dipped into the Adam Sandler waters.

Well, then he needs a ticket to a movie. I was thinking of Wedding Singer. That's what I was thinking of. My bad. You know, I see a giant... Devante Foreman. The fact that I don't have the famous SNL actor movies. You know what I mean?

We've got Will Ferrell movies. We've got Adam Sandler movies. We've got Chris Farley movies. And mine are... We've got your Chevy Chases. I'm saying in this already been drafted. Right. And mine are not that wrapped.

Dan Aykroyd's. So the last one is really, really tough. Fletch is there, Jay. Honestly, super funny movie. I just made so many people mad by making fun of Fletch. Yeah, Fletch is great. What does that look for? You don't like Fletch?

No, I'm waiting for you to make a pick. It's never going to happen. Ace Ventura, The Hangover, Wedding Crashers. I'm glad it's not just me. So here's the thing. I've got two movies i'm deciding between right one is much more of a comedy movie the other is i mean they're both other ones that romance this one's a comedy but this one's a comedy well you'll understand because i think

i'm gonna take it all right when i first thought of no i'm not oh my god i'm really struggling the struggle is real. That's how I felt. And then I just felt the weights of the pressure, and I just picked Airplane. Okay. I know there's no way either of you would pick it. I know it would. So I'll bring it up at the end.

I'm going to take the 40-year-old Virgin. I think that that movie was extremely funny. It is. But really? Yes. Mike's mind is being blown with all extremely funny. It is, but really? Yeah, Steve. Mike's mind is being blown with all of these. It is. So, and I'll even bring up the movie now.

You guys could take it, but you won't. I know you won't. The movie that I thought about taking, almost did, was Elf. Because it is. Oh, yeah. It's hilarious. It's one of my all-time favorite movies. Sure.

But I'm not sure. Like, it is clearly a comedy movie. There's no doubt. But it's not. It's a Christmas hilarious one of my all-time favorite movies but i'm not sure like it is clearly a comedy movie there's no doubt but it's not it's a christmas movie you know what i mean yeah i get it mike you got a pick all right uh i'm gonna take another classic movie oh you got this one figured out yep because uh it just please don't take mine yeah i don't think i'm gonna take yours i don't even know if you would like this movie i don't take mine. I don't think I'm going to take yours. I don't even know if you would like this movie. I don't take that as an insult, but I'm taking Monty Python and the Holy Grail. That was my pick. Was it?

You liked it? Wow. Oh, I love Monty Python. That specific one. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm not a huge Monty Python fan, but the Holy Grail. I think you just won the draft.

Oh, well, thank you. Monty Python and the Holy Grail is a powerhouse pick. It is. It is probably. It's one of the most quoted movies around my house even today i i know people love that and i hear the quotes from it and the quotes when they're said are funny but i i i didn't watch it when i was younger and i've tried to go back and watch it you want to talk about not holding up no it's that's just how they are you just it's

you're saying it was always bad no no it's it It's a far different time, and it's like a whole different section of comedy. I mean, it's a different country. The first time I saw it, it was awful. I thought it was the stupidest. It's like Princess Bride. It was the stupidest movie I had ever seen. Maybe that should be my pick. And for some reason, I sat down, and we watched it again, and it clicked.

It was like, oh, I actually get what's happening in this movie, and it's really, really funny. So you're saying I need to watch it again. How many times have you seen it? Once. I barely remember. I'm taking The Princess Bride. That's a great pick. Which I would not have, it didn't even enter my mind until you chose Monty Python as like,

oh my gosh. Is it even classified as a comedy? Oh, it has to be. Brooks? Yeah, I think it. Brooks, can you as a comedy? Oh, it has to be. Brooks? Yeah, I think it. Brooks, can you give me the nod or no? No, no. It's a comedy.

I'm not saying you can't take it. Oh, no. It's a comedy. I'm just saying it's a little, it's like a, it's a rom-com, right? Yeah. It's one of the best movies of all time. It's great. I love it.

Didn't you just see it? No, I've seen it a few years ago. Yeah, but like you didn't grow up. I wasn't part of the cult grow up thing. But it was still, I've seen it a few years ago. Yeah, but you didn't grow up. I wasn't part of the cult grow up thing. But it held up and it was funny. I was strongly considering Spaceballs. Spaceballs was the other one. I was strongly considering Office Space.

Office Space was good. Office Space was so funny. Old School was very funny. Home Alone, Mrs. Doubtfire, those came into mind too. The first Super Troopers was very funny. I can't take it because of how bad the second one was. The only movies on my list, when I said I had three, Spaceballs was the third. Yeah.

Oh, it's so good. Dark Helmet. Yes. Mike, your final team? So I have Anchorman, Happy Gilmore, Airplane, and Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Jason. I have Ace Ventura, The Hangover, Wedding Crashers, and 40-Year-Old Virgin. Now, let's be clear.

Which Ace Ventura? Ace Ventura won, but Ace Ventura 2 was just a test. I actually think number two is funnier. You know what's funny is, so here's, I was... Bumblebee tuna. There is no bigger Ace Ventura fan on planet Earth than me. I saw it so many times in the theater that I could say the whole thing. When the second movie was coming out, I was ready to explode and implode at the same time.

I was a black hole of excitement. And I was expecting something better. You're right. And I was just disappointed. And I didn't like Ace Ventura 2 when it came out. Wow. And then as I watched it more, when I watched it more, I'm like, this might be funnier than the original. It is unbelievably perfect and funny.

It was just so different than the first that I was disappointed. The exact same thing happened to me. The movie I've seen in the movie theater more than anything else was Austin Powers, the first one. And I had the exact same thing. The second one came out, incredibly disappointed, but then learned to love it. All right, my team, Dumb and Dumber, Tommy Boy, Billy Madison, and the Princess Bride. It's like having a second child.

Rounding out the best comedies. Man, I like your team, Mike. Thank you. I like your team, Andy. Oh, thank you. I like my team as well. Thank you. Did you guys learn anything on the podcast today?

By the way, while you're thinking about that, I want to tell people, go check it out. Spitballerspod.com. Send us your questions on Twitter, on YouTube, no matter where you're at. We appreciate all the reviews on Apple Podcasts. And we got some pretty cool stuff planned for the future. Let's put it that way. Yes.

So for the community. Yep. I learned today what a rosy turd is. I had not known that before today. I feel like it's pretty self-explanatory. Well, after you said it, honestly, I was like, oh, yeah, that makes sense. All right, Mike, I don't know what you learned. I learned that Andy doesn't understand how time travel works.

Yes. Sure, sure. And I learned that dentists do, in fact, wear gloves. I hope so. I hope your dentist wears gloves. If he doesn't, ask him to put some gloves on. Yeah, I might need to bring some. He probably does, and I just didn't remember.

All right, that is it. I'm imagining him putting wool gloves on now. Goodbye. Mittens. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com. Don't forget, Spitwads, if you want to help support this show and get access to the entire archive, you can go to SpitballersPod.com and click Become a Spitwad.

We appreciate your support, and you'll appreciate all the episodes.