Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 49: Enjoying Your Own Farts and Jason’s Potato Suit - Funny Podcast

Episode Date: May 27, 2019

Today, we face some real tough life advice like, ‘when to be honest with your spouse about how they look in those jeans’ and ‘what to do when a co-worker continues to ask you to meet up outside of work’. We also banter on some arguably more important topics such as - eating contests, body odor, and controlling the frequency and smell of your own farts. In everyone’s favorite mini-segment, Jason tells us everything he knows about BACON in 60 seconds. Lastly, help us sniff out a winner in our ‘Best Smells’ draft. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!   Connect with the show: Visit us on the web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, Spitwads, do you enjoy this show and you want just a little bit more? I do. Oh, there you are. I love this show, yes. Oh, that's not annoying at all. Head over to spitballerspod.com and find out how you can become an official supporter of this show and get access to the complete archive, spitballerspod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve?

It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Welcome in. It's worth mentioning, I just saw a video of a father and his young daughter and their top-notch scatting. Absolutely. To start the show, is what I'm saying. It was impressive. It's fun to see all the spitwads out there getting in on it. And Mike, not bad.

You know, when we do eventually our first live show for the Spitballers, which I know, Andy, you've said will never happen. Eventually. But it will eventually happen. When that happens someday, can you imagine? We'll get you a diaper. You'll be all right. The audience.

Ha-da-bee-bop-a-diddle-a-boo. But can you imagine the audience? We would make the audience scat with us. Well, don't get me wrong. I'm hilarious. I just don't think you two will hold up in front of a live audience. Oh, I will fail. I will burn out and flame right into the audience.

Well, because we've got all the editing advantages here. What you don't know is most of Jason's comments, we just take right out. Yep. I talk 90% of the time, but then once the edited product goes forward, I'm about to say. We hit you with that AI machine. We take the profanity out. Yes. That's most of it.

A dirty man. No. Al Borland, have we edited this show? A sailor. Have we even edited this show before? Do you do anything? We have not yet had to cut anything out of this show. Oh, man.

That's right. I did it. Hashtag goals. The only thing we would have to cut out of the show is if I have to cut out early after what I did to my stomach yesterday. Okay. Did you do a little bit of damage? I know you started early.

I went a little boom, boom, pow. You started early with some Raising Cane's. I did. Which, delicious, number one. So delicious. Yes. Number two, it really does hit harder than most things. It's heavy.

Especially if you go, did you get some Texas toast in on that? Of course. Okay. If you have one slice of Texas toast to lay on top of all that fried chicken. Of course. You are, did you have a nap in between? I did not. Oh, my God.

I was not able to have a nap, but then I followed up with some pizza. Oh, all right. No, I didn't do the wings, but then the television show, it was Sunday night. It was date night with the wife, and it was, okay, I'm going to get some ice cream. I see dessert's coming. I got to get some ice cream, but then they had the French fries and the cheese sauce. So that came with it. Oh, this is Culver's.

I'm not doing well, fellas. This sounds like me. This is great to be on this side just hearing about your bad choices. Yeah, but was it fun? Did you have a good time? Oh, man, my mouth was so happy. It really does remind me of the best edit we have ever made in the history of any of our podcasts. We're near 1,000 episodes in.

There was a podcast once where we had to take a cut because you just. You just had to go to the bathroom. He's like, excuse me, gentlemen. He's just like, guys, I got to go. He just gets up, runs to the bathroom. That may or may not happen today. Okay. Well, if you want to follow along with the show, you can go to Twitter,

at SpitballersPod. You can visit the website, SpitballersPod.com. We're on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube.com slash Spitballers. You can watch the show. And we always appreciate your iTunes subscriptions, your reviews. We have a lot of fun doing this show, and it's because of you. So thank you so much. Let's get it going.

lot of fun doing this show and it's because of you so thank you so much let's get it going would you rather all right you can send in all of your questions and well that's what caleb did caleb sent in this question he says if you're entering an eating contest would you rather be judged on volume of food you can consume or spiciness of food you can tolerate? Ooh. Why is it a bad? Let me ask this question generally as I open this up. Why is it such a badge of honor to be willing to burn your mouth and endure horrible spice? Why is that a badge of honor now?

I don't get it. I mean, it... Because it certainly is. It 100% is. It's like, that's a man. I mean... That's a woman right there. She can eat that hot wing.

That'll burn her mouth off. I mean, I will say this. I guess it's like, you're tougher, right? Yes. I mean, flat out. If you can lift more, you're stronger. Yes. If you can take more pain, you're tougher.

So maybe that's the... What am I if I can eat more ice cream than both of you?'re stronger. Yes. If you could take more pain, you're tougher. So maybe that's the... What am I if I can eat more ice cream than both of you? Fatter. Oh. That is the answer. No, I mean, the reality is... Is it enjoyable? People pretend to like it.

That's my problem with it. 100%. I do not believe these people who scald their face off and they're like, no, I love that. I mean, I don't... Oh, my sinuses. all their face off and they're like, I love that. My sinuses. I don't consider myself a...

What would you call someone who can endure the spice? A spice head? Sure. Yeah, clearly. A spice head. I'm not that. I do like... A sinus survivor? I do like an occasional extremely spicy meal, but I don't think that my standards are on the level of the people

at the competition. Psychologically psychologically let us know why? Why is it so good to you? It tastes good. Really? Yeah. It really does. It's like hot wings taste better than wings that are just meh. It helps you feel alive, man.

I like a little spice. Once you've been to the edge, you can't go back. I like a little spice, you've been to the edge you can't go back i like a little spice but i am a baby like i'm not i'm not one of those that can you know take the dumb and dumber burger and just deal with it you're not a ghost pepper no father in fact so here's here's something when i was a a late teen maybe early 20s um we had a we were making a homemade pizza and my sister's husband was over, and he was putting these, I think it was ghost peppers. It was some kind of monstrous, awful thing.

Why would you put that on a pizza? Well, of course, I don't want it on the pizza, so he took them off half of the pizza. But that was not enough. Then it cooked, and then whatever it was, 20 minutes later, I had a slice of this pizza. Without them? Without them. Without them. But just to clarify, so he had put them on and then pulled them. So it had already touched.

It had already touched. There was some oils. And that was enough to end my night. I mean, that was the spiciest thing I've ever eaten. The spiciest thing you've ever eaten was not ghost peppers. Right. Exactly. It was, I mean, that's a true ghost pepper.

Because I was like, I don't see it. I'm going to be judged by the volume of ice cream I can consume. That is the, so volume. I'm choosing volume over spice. I'm coming in with a wild card here. It's not actually part of the question. I would like speed added to the would you rather. Yeah.

And then I will win. Yes, you will. That's you will true i mean we get asked all the you know that's why you like spicy you don't taste it it just goes down your gullet yeah i mike eats so fast it's unfathomable i i consider myself the eater of this group like if we had to sure we allow you to take the moniker yes but i can't take it by force i literally cannot eat as fast as you it would be impossible if i did my best and i'm not even trying no it's just thought about just throwing it out there have you considered chewing is chewing on the table chew chew swallow uh chew chew swallow yeah and that seems like about right it's the train method sometimes when we go out to lunch to a specific restaurant we order a pizookie which is a pizza cookie with ice cream

on it and we tell them put that on hold we'll get it a little bit later right you don't want a cookie right out of the gate and then you've got a melty ice cream you want it for your dessert so you say hold my cookie i want a button on those registers that's hold for mike oh because just deliver it to mike three quarters of the way through our meal yeah i'm halfway done you're three quarters done mike should get his food now yeah so we all finish about the same it's fair so mike you want to be judged on speed jason i'm definitely going volume. I think... The loudest food. I can out-eat everyone. Alright. Bronx has a question. Bronx says, would you rather get 10 cents

for every step you take or $1 every time you jump? That's an interesting question. I think it's too easy. You think it's too easy? I think it's too easy to take the steps at 10 cents. Well, one thing is a casual passive thing.

But I think it's too much. I think that to make this question actually have some merit, it has to be a cent. It has to be a penny a step or a dollar a jump. It's just too easy to take 10 steps for a dollar. That's fair because here's the truth. I take steps every day. I do this in my life. I take steps when I go places.

But the last time I've jumped when I was not at the gym paying a trainer to tell me to jump... Free training. Was... Man, when was the last time I jumped? What was the number you wanted to go to? One penny a step. So if it was 10 cents a step,

the average person takes 7,000 steps a day, so they'd make $700. You'd have to jump 700 times to equal that money. So that makes it, like you said, It's too easy. far too easy. If you go the other direction, you're making $70 a day versus 70 jumps.

Oh, dude, give me a jump rope? I mean, when we jump rope, I'll do like 200. That's what your mindset with the jumping is. I'm going to make my money today. You're going to take an hour. You're going to go make your money. With the steps, you're kind of like, I'm just making money while I live my life. Now, Jason would make less significantly than the average.

So a jump, we're saying both feet have to be off the ground. Is a skip a jump? No. Could I skip around? That's why we need to define this because we've talked about my skipping before. You're on point. I'm Air Jordan when it comes to skipping. You're going to need to take

the elastic exercise bands and put them around your ankles. Wait, what? Why do I need bands? Because then you won't. When you just get up to go to the bathroom, you'll be reminded, I should hop. I should hop.

What about a potato sack? There you go. You can't walk in a potato sack. Just put yourself in a potato sack and you'll be making bank. See, I feel like I live in a potato sack. You'll look like an idiot. That's a potato suit. I live in a potato sack. You look like an idiot. That's a potato suit. I live in a potato suit.

And so I feel like I'm already living that life. A sack's not going to be that big of a problem. So I'm just imagining dressing Jason like Mr. Potato Head. Oh, my God. Let's get him some blue boots. Let's get him the big red lips. And we'll give him the evil eyes. I just can't.

I'm remembering him playing pickleball and an 80-year-old man in blue jeans when Jason dove for a ball said the guy went down like a sack of potatoes. Yeah, I felt like I dove athletically. Did you mishear him? Did he say you went down like a man in a potato suit? Maybe. No, this old man said, you went down like a sack of potatoes. And I proceeded to go all out at pickleball and destroy him.

Yeah. But apparently I, you know, you do things and you think you look cool. Yes. But then the other person sees like, oh man, I call that dancing.

Right. Like, you know, it's like, I feel like I've got a good vertical. You know, if I lower the hoop down a little bit and I'm Duncan, what happens in my mind?

If I were to go back and watch the video of that? I'm like, oh, really? I just got an inch off the ground. I felt like I was flying. Let's ask it this way for a final answer. Let's say you get a penny for every step you take and a dollar every time you jump. Now, if the average person does 7,000 steps, you earn $70 a day just passively living. Are you going to do enough concerted jumping?

Are you going to get that jump rope out and do so much more than that 70 jumps per day to make it worth that? Are you wanting to commit to it? I would absolutely do that for three days. Three days, I would give it everything I got. I'd probably rake in $500. $70 a day. That's not too shabby. Yeah, I'm still taking the penny. Just for passive walking?

Yeah. Basically, just give me free money for doing nothing. I will accept. That's the one. I accept free money. Yeah, but when you're on the golf course, do you pass on the cart because you can make an extra few bucks? Nope. Yeah, you got to carry the bag. No, thank you. Nope. Alright, Benny. Benny has

a would you rather question. Would you rather be able to fully control the sound, frequency, and smell of your farts? Yes. Or. I already got two out of the three. Be immune to everyone else's fart, poop, BO smells. Oh, my. Once again, we go back to the well.

Guys. The dirty well that is poop-related questions. But look, they send them in. We don't send them in. This is not just poop-related, okay? Because you said something here at the end, the body odor. Yes. Oh, I've been in a bad Uber.

This last weekend. So we're painting some bedrooms in my my uh children's rooms and we went i went to home depot and i needed to get some samples made you know you pay four bucks and you get a little sample so we can paint the wall see if we like it he says it's going to be 15 minutes just wait around so i'm going wandering home depot and i'm in the the packed appliances area where there's like too many, you know, the aisles are super small. Like you can't even bring a shopping cart.

And as I'm going through, a Home Depot worker is helping a heavily bearded gentleman and I need to like do the excuse me and we pass by each other. Guys, I have never in my life ever smelled anything like this i could i thought i'm not even joking i thought am i gonna throw up from the smell i'm not joking from the smell of

this person this was a few days ago i i had to run home and tell tiff i was like don't go to that store if you gave me a one-year challenge to smell as bad as that man i couldn't do it i could not how did you feel about the lowes employee having to interact with them that's exactly i felt so bad for that person because you have like if it's your job you can't you can't yeah you can't run away from that what was the radius like how far How far away did you have to get before it dissipated? Well, it stayed with me for hours. Apparently, he ran home. Did it stick to your clothes?

He just straight ran out the door, ran home. No car. It was literally one of those windows down on the drive. I ripped the roof off so it was a convertible. It was one of those things where it's like once you smell it, even if it's not there, you think you can still smell it. Like a spooky smell. This is why.

What happens when a masseuse runs into that situation? Oh, you know they do. You know they do. Nothing's worse. There is etiquette, people. There have to be rules like i'm sure there's masseuse excuse me you have to leave what are what it's what's multiple masseuses called is it masseuses um masseuse i meese no i'm gonna go with i whether it is or

not masseuses is perfect masseuses so that listen there's masseuses out there listening and i'm pretty confident masseuses out there that i'm pretty confident they have to have a rule they have to have like a limit like if you work at massage envy or whatever yeah like you're too stinky i i am allowed to not work on you excuse me sir yeah you stink you just hit him with that. You got that stank butt. Yeah, I mean, when you talk about the nuts and bolts of this question, controlling the sound frequency and smell. I mean, what is smell control? What are you talking about? You can drop a bomb. What about the inverse?

Or the opposite. Yeah. Does this mean that you could make the best smelling fart in the scope of smell of farts? Yeah, I can control it. Or can it of farts? Yeah, I could control it. Or can it be like blueberries? Sure, you could control it. All my farts can be blueberries. Absolutely. Well, I'm going with that one.

I'm still taking the other based on the Home Depot experience. I'm taking the control. I mean, imagine. Because see, if you're in the BO situation, you can just fart some blueberries on that situation. That's true. And just mask it. You can make the world better. BO situation, you can just fart some blueberries on that situation. That's true. And just mask it. You can make the world better. Of course, I can't go on.

There's nothing that could mask this, Andy. And apparently frequency means I could be dropping blueberries into the world at all times. Imagine leaving an argument. And you don't have to slam the door. Oh, man. You just silently. And that's why I'm going to bed early i might not i might not win the argument but you will lose you will lose the war that's not a bad point man now this would make you immune to your own bo smell right so you've been generally speaking

you are clearly from this guy well no no you don't look there are some times where you'll after the exercising you know you're oh man i stink but i have plenty of times where i will go home i'll give give the wife a hug and she's like, what are you, working now? I'm like, what are you talking about? She's like, you stink. See, I feel like... No, I don't. Like, you can't always smell your breath.

That's a shame. But I feel like I can smell... I know when I stink. I'm like, oh my gosh. But when you can smell yourself, that means you reek. You don't just stink. You've upgraded to reek. Is this true, Amy?

That is correct. And here's the thing you can also control the sound so my my farts will sound like laser beams and they will smell like blueberries so i am going with that one i mean you don't even need a car walking by that guy in and be like but when you do that you have to touch your toes you have to make sure wait every time you fart you have to be touching your toes? Well, no, for that guy. You need him to know this is active.

This is against you. I am turning into a weapon. Well, you're jumping a little bit to get it to go all around. Well, I need a dollar. You got to get those steps. All right, we're going to move on now to another segment. Before we do, I want to remind people that are joining us on the spitballers train we do have if you're into fantasy football we do have a fantasy football podcast called the fantasy

footballers so you know it's similar to spitballers there's a little name similarity you can check it out here's uh here's our next segment that's a great question. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. Is that Blue Billy's? Is that what we're making, a pie? It's ironic because of today's draft. Yes. Right, Borland?

Did you carefully craft these questions? No, totally intentional. Yeah. We are drafting smells momentarily, so I'm not sure you're going to draft that guy from Lowe's. I have first pick, and I am taking my blueberry farts. Oh, well, there you go. I approve that message. All right, Chad from Twitter sends in this question.

Is there ever a point in your marriage when you can, that's already dangerous, when you can actually tell your wife the truth when she asks how you like her hair or jeans. Yes. Chad, come on, man. Yes. 100% yes. Look, today is my anniversary. Today is.

Wait, is it really? It really is. I didn't know that. Happy anniversary to my wonderful wife, Tiffany. This is 14 years of happy marriage. This is going to be the worst one yet. The best part of this is that this show is not actually recorded the day it's released right so when it comes out she will hear this and believe

that you don't know your actual anniversary that could happen if i don't talk to her at all today wish her a happy anniversary but look i'm 14 years in you You guys are years in. And I can tell you firsthand, Chad from Twitter, yes, you can be honest. We have a healthy marriage. You can absolutely be honest. I would tell her they make you look beautiful. Every single time. And I am super honest. Chad.

Super honest. Chad. Super honest. Beautiful. I can honestly say, no matter what, it looks beautiful. Yeah. And how long have you been married? You guys are cowards. No, here's the thing. Cowards.

Unfortunately, I can't mask my face all the time. It's true. No poker face? I have to do the way that I get through these situations. Sometimes is I have to do the full, like dig out of the hole. Like she'll see my face. She'll assume something.

I have to say, no, my face actually meant this. She has says, Oh, I'm sure. Then I'm like, no,

really? I, here's what I was thinking during it. And then, you know, i see her a week later and we're good the reality is everything's on a everything's on a find a great scale right like that oh that's a that's that's fair like when something is bad it's fine i like that and they know it you know it was like you guys are cowards what are you going oof

no i gotta go full woof. No, like we, like my wife. Give some feedback. My wife recently got some glasses, and she got two pairs. One of them I liked very much, and the other one, she's like, what do you think of these? I'm like, eh. That's the find a great scale. Yeah. That's what I'm saying.

They're fine. But then she went with the point, Blake, of like, so do you like these? No. You got to hit like, because I don't want, this is the last line of defense before you step out the door. I don't want to be walking out looking like some kind of buffoon because I know my fashion. But there's a big difference. I know what I've done in the past.

There's a big difference between an accessory that you're saying you don't like. Like, do you like this purse? No. That purse is super ugly. Versus the question of like, how does my hair look? How do these jeans make me look? Yeah, but you are her last line of defense. You got to let her know. Not necessarily.

Self-preservation comes into the focus here. Also, let me add this. There is a difference between being asked and then he says where you actually tell the truth like has your wife ever worn something and she's not asking you but you feel like you go then you hit a whoa mr last line of defense over there do you take the initiative if she walks out in something she thinks that i do not do you just walk in the room and you just go oh you're not wearing that are you that's yeah yeah we won't make it to 14 that

way um but andy i mean is let me ask you this question is everybody aesthetically beautiful in the world no of course not sorry ugly people and we're not look we're not talking about you no you're gorgeous but i'm talking about those other ugly people uniquely beautiful um so does it do those people favors to tell them they are no then you're just a jerk but are you a jerk to not tell them that like how do you are you a jerk for not are you a jerk for holding back whoa ugly no not for not telling they're ugly are you a jerk for not telling everybody that they are aesthetically beautiful andy the

fact that you might not know the answer to this question scares me like yes you're not a jerk yeah if you don't go out of your way to tell someone ugly that they are not aesthetically beautiful so and you're not aesthetically beautiful and your your child is also not aesthetically beautiful if your daughter grows up and is uniquely beautiful are you going to tell her that she's aesthetically beautiful my uh hard to say my daughter is beautiful there you go everyone's daughter is the eye of the beholder man so subjective a little bit subjective someone somebody will get in on the bo guy from lowes yes like someone out there was he aesthetically beautiful jason and just had a bad odor i couldn't see him he was just couldn't see

him what's the character from uh charlie brown Charlie Brown that has the pig pen with the dust devil around him all the time? There's some people out there, and their thing is feet. They like feet. It's true. There's something for everybody out there. So when you walk up to those people, do you say, how are your feet? Yeah. You got nice feet?

No, thank you. Base Hit from Twitter sends in this question. I have a coworker who keeps asking me to do stuff outside of work, and it isn't getting the hint I'm not interested. What do I do? This is an interesting question. I just heard a statistic on the radio the other day that the average person has not made a new friend in five years.

Sounds right. In five or more years. Yeah. So, because you kind of get to an age where you maybe not. So, here is a new friend, a new coworker. They want to hang out. You've given them the half-truth. Oh, I'm real busy.

Yeah. Got to wash my hair. Look, the answer here, BaseHit, is you need to just go. Sure. That's what I think the answer is. Live a little. You don't want...

Because, look, I know I'm seeing this like this. Unless it's like 20 minutes away. No, but you gotta understand, if you go, you're going more than once. You're going for a while. And that is a pot-committed situation. But here's the thing. I see what you're saying. But I'm You're going for a while. And that is a pot committed situation.

But here's the thing. I see what you're saying. But I'm saying if you go once, you have the chance to have a good time, to be surprised. Let me let you in on some insight from me because I am usually thought of as like a social butterfly, a type A, you know, outward.

More of a moth, but yeah. Sure. You know, an outward. Clothes eater. Outgoing, extroverted. Yes. Boisterous. And I can do that.

Aloof. I can do that, but that's not like, I never want to do anything. Like, Andy, if you invite me out to a movie, my instant reaction is no. I don't want to go. Not because I don't love hanging out with you. Once I do it, I often have fun. And I'm the same way, where once someone forces me to go, I enjoy the time when I'm there. Sometimes it's crossing the barrier of going.

That's what I was saying. If it's 20 minutes away, then it's no dice. I'm not going. It's the time commitment. Yes. Can you make it nice and quick? Can you come to my side of town, please? Never have them over to your house. There's a place place by my house that takes a couple stages before they get

to know where you live all right one more before our draft today big pun big pun from twitter very nice when you are at dinner and you have steak, salad, vegetables, and potatoes, what's the proper order to eat steak, salad, vegetables, and potatoes? Okay. The proper order to eat steak, salad, vegetables, and potatoes is... Throw the salad and the veggies in the garbage. Well, first off, hold on. The salad didn't come out first? Well, I was going to say the salad's first.

Clearly. If the salad's not coming out first, first well as you say the salad's first if clearly if the salad's not coming out first then you need to leave denny's and go to a real place with real food yeah i mean i i the vegetables are being quote unquote saved for last yes uh so uh salad now see i i would eat the potatoes and the steak together this is really hard to tell me like i have i guess i i go salad potato steak i'm not gonna finish with potatoes after a good steak so the i feel like i will always eat the steak and the vegetables will be quote unquote saved for last and then i will be full after the stage until the dessert menu correct

which i will then save for last. Do you worry at all about getting a... Like, you're getting a really nice, really large steak. Do you worry about getting some kind of really big, nice Caesar beforehand where it's like, I'm going to be full from lettuce? This is just the life we live in, man. To not eat my beautiful steak? No. I do.

You do? So you would save your salad and eat it after beautiful steak? No. I do. You do? So you would save your salad and eat it after the steak? No, I would not get a salad. Salad is delicious. Your order would be steak. My order would be steak and mashed potatoes with a side of french fries. If I have to start, I'm going to have a baked potato soup. It's basically the potatoes.

He's done a four potato tour. You want a potato soup, a potato-based soup. Correct. And you are afraid that the leaves of lettuce may make you too full for your steak. Who are you kidding? You just said you'd win the volume challenge. Absolutely. You're misinterpreting.

I'm not afraid that the salad like not leave me room for the entirety of my steak because i'll always force room i will make room the problem is inside of my stomach now the steak has to share space with lettuce right like i could have my stomach full of just meat or meat and potatoes also acceptable okay do you feel like you're personally offending that slab of steak because it has to share some space with leafy greens? When it comes out with garnish, I say, can you please take this back and remove that stupid thing on top of my steak?

Bring me back. Put a slab of meat on top of my steak. Put a slab of butter on top of that. Butter is always acceptable. Butter is acceptable. So I'm going potatoes, steak, potatoes, dessert. Okay okay that's my order all right i will go salad and then it's good i mean just i'll triple load the fork and i'll go steak i guess i guess if i gotta you have to choose man okay the uh i feel like the steak should be first onto the fork

oh you're choosing like i'm making a kebab over here. Well, that's the right thing to do. So steak, potatoes, then vegetables. I think mashed potatoes always taste better when it's mashed potatoes mixed with something. Potatoes are magical because potatoes in all forms, if you mix it with another food, it's almost always more delicious.

That's why you put them on. I love them on burgers. Are there enough? Oh, absolutely. Why wouldn't you put them on and around them? Are there enough potato-based items to do a potato draft? Because I think there are. Possible.

Well, not today. No. Although I may win one of the spots on today's draft. It could. If we're thinking about it. Let's do it. The Spitballers Draft. All right.

Today we are drafting a best smells. We're drafting the best smells in the world. I mean, bad smells. Bad smells are bad. If you don't take that at some point, Jason. Good smells are good. I will. Good. You guys fight over? I will. Good.

You guys fight over your own smells. Everyone loves their own brand. No, they don't. Not everybody loves. Everyone at times has enjoyed their own fart. Hold on. We've got to pull the audience in. Our producers are running away.

Borland, come on. Have you ever enjoyed your own fart? Ever. Once. Yes. Yes! My man! I contend that I have never enjoyed it.

I have simply been perplexed, surprised. Have you ever been amused? Amused? Then you've enjoyed it! Oh, no. You trapped me. Yes! We have discovered that Andy has been...

I've definitely been hit with the, oh, dear. Oh, me, oh, my. Whatever do we smell here? All right. Mike, are you the first picker? I am. All right. So you and your stuffed nose have to try to select smells.

Absolutely. Because you can't even differentiate a good smell from a bad smell. Sometimes I cannot, but I know that this is fantastic. 101 for this draft is not actually where I want to be. Oh, okay. There's one thing I really want. There's one that I really want, but there's so many that are fantastic. But I'm going with fresh cookies right out the oven.

Give me all the cookies. Cookie, cookie, cookie. Well, I did. It's a wonderful pick. It's a wonderful smell. Yeah. It's endearing. I mean, you know deliciousness is coming.

If you are a realtor, you prep the home by baking delicious chocolate chip cookies. So they walk into the house and say, they better have cookies available. Does grandmother live here? Yeah. All right. So you're going with cookies. I get it. That would have been my second pick.

It's a great pick. Yeah. All right, so you're going with cookies. I get it. That would have been my second pick. It's a great pick. But to me, the 101, which is now the 102, is movie theater popcorn. You walk into the theaters and you smell. That would have been my 307.

You're a monster. No, it's great. Just after my own farts. I love popcorn. That smell like popcorn. Well, to be fair, we know. That's great. Just after my own farts. I love popcorn. That smell like popcorn. Well, to be fair, we know that if I say, do you smell popcorn, it means you're not going to smell popcorn. But popcorn is both a great smell, but it's also nostalgic.

It brings you places. Places that apparently you don't want to go. I will say the only thing I will say about popcorn is that the the smell of popcorn means something different to anybody who's ever worked in a movie theater because of how every time i worked at a movie theater i'd go home greasy smelly the bo problems never more prolific than my movie theater days. Running ragged, oils flying around. It's P-O, I believe. Popcorn odor? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Thank you. So you're going with popcorn. Mike, you took? Cookies. Cookies. Fresh cookies. My first pick is an easy pick.

It is fresh-brewed coffee. Fresh-brewed coffee. There is no greater moment of my day than the opening cups of coffee, and there's no better smell when you walk into a coffee shop. I mean, it's just wonderful. The thing about coffee is it's polarizing. You only like the smell of coffee.

Well, not only, but generally speaking. Oh, if you like coffee? If you don't like coffee. And I was someone who hated coffee until my early 30s. Which is crazy. And I'm glad you came around. I mean, I love it now, but I couldn't go into a Starbucks because it smelled so bad. I hated everything about coffee. So that's why.

Well, that was not an endearing smell because you didn't like the taste of coffee. Correct. Yeah, it smelled like a taste, and it tasted bad. Dumb take, though. I came around. I'm having a really hard time because we're going to start getting into the new... More smells are going to be like that. Polarizing.

A little bit polarizing. Some people might not like them. There's a smell I want that I know a lot of people hate. My son likes the smell of gasoline, as do I. Yeah. My wife thinks that's ridiculous and so does my other son. I mean, that's... I'm not picking gasoline. Don't worry about it. I'm going to go with chocolate. I'm going with chocolate. Yeah. My wife thinks that's ridiculous, and so does my other son. I mean, I'm not picking gasoline. Don't worry about it.

I'm going to go with chocolate. I'm going with chocolate. Okay. The smell of chocolate. It's wonderful. You enter a confections shop, you can get that strong smell, but chocolate is just wonderful. Confectionary? Okay.

All right. So I've got coffee, and I've got chocolate. Chocolate shouldn't be polarizing. And you can put them together by the way if you want you can which is totally fun you well you can put mine two together as well popcorn and farts um no so there's one that i i really want it's it's probably my favorite here and but I definitely think it can come back to me. I worry about you, Mike, that you'll steal it. Wild card! Wild card!

But I'm going to let it pass so that I can either be super excited or super angry, because I enjoy emotions. Polarizing emotions. In the meantime, I'm going to stick with my brand. Oh, great. Okay? I'm going to take me some bacon. Yeah, that's upsetting. Yeah. Oh, the crispy crackling. That, great. Okay. I'm going to take me some bacon. Yeah, that's upsetting. Yeah.

Oh, the crispy crackling. That was my next pick. That was my decision between chocolate and bacon. I made a bad one. I went with chocolate. And now I do regret it because I was hoping it would split through. That means Mike's got 45 minutes to pick is what that means. Yeah, start the timer.

You guys can muse about something. Yeah. So let's talk about Mike. You figure out your picks. When we pan back to you, you better have them. Bacon, though. Bacon's a wonderful smell. It represents the morning.

Bacon is the only food item as versatile as potatoes. You can have bacon bits. Can you have a bad bacon smell? Could you have messed up bacon in a fashion where the smell is problematic? Like burn bacon? Burn bacon is not good. I'm pretty sure you could burn chocolate. You could burn any of these.

If you burn popcorn, it doesn't smell good. Can I request that we hear everything Jason knows about bacon in 60 seconds? Let's. Can he fit it into 60 seconds? Never. Bacon is from pigs. It is the most delicious of all the meats, including fillets and best steaks. If there was a bacon steak, I would eat it, you would eat it, everyone would eat it, but that would be too expensive.

It is very fatty. It's not healthy, which means it is great. It is very versatile. You can have bacon bits. You can have bacon pieces. You can wrap steaks in it to upgrade steaks. That's a rare treat. You can also put it on ice cream and in desserts, and it is wonderfully delicious.

Bacon might make you have a little bit of extra weight, but that weight will be delicious if you, unfortunately, have to be eaten in the mountains when you're stranded with a friend. That friend will be thankful that you ate so much bacon. Also, you'll die young. All right. All right. Mike, you got two picks on the table. Jason, your team ate so much bacon. Also, you'll die young. All right, all right. Mike, you got two picks on the table. Jason, your team is popcorn and bacon.

Mine is coffee and chocolate. Mike, you opened up with some cookies. I got fresh-baked cookies. And now you got two picks. Yeah, the second pick, we'll get there. We'll get there. Oh, gosh. Don't worry about that.

But number one, I'm going to take pizza. It's pretty universal. It's a good smell. In fact, I want to eat some immediately after this show. Yeah, that's going to take pizza. It's pretty universal. It's a good smell. In fact, I want to eat some immediately after this show. Yeah, that's the thing about pizza. You guys cool with that? Let me think. Yes.

Can I get bacon on it? Yeah, probably. Is that everybody loves pizza? And then I'm just going to stick in the, I guess we've all taken all only food so far. That's very interesting. Well, food is delicious. You can migrate. No, I'm going to take bread.

Oh, man. Oh, just fresh bread. Fresh baked bread. Fresh baked bread is one of the most delicious smells in the world. Yes. I have found about myself that there is very little that I like as much as bread. You're not wrong. Jason came over for a meal last night.

And he just wanted bread? No, I brought some treats. Yeah, he brought treats. And we had also, the treats were bread. But we had eaten, and then we were having barbecue sandwiches on, like, little barely flavored bread rolls. And we had all eaten our first round. And then Jason just went back for the bread that you're supposed to put stuff on. And he just ate it.

He just ate the bread. That's a pro move. I just grabbed a couple rolls. I said, these rolls are mine. Here's a shameful thing from my past. This is true. You know those Hawaiian rolls? Hawaiian rolls?

Sweet Hawaiian rolls? There was a night. No. All of them? No. The whole double-decker box. No. I swear to you.

No. The whole entire double-decker box of Hawaiian bread rolls, I had to hide the packaging. No butter, just bread? It was... Look, I didn't mean the packaging. No butter, just bread? No. Look, I didn't mean to do it. I just wanted one. You had to hide the packaging?

I was so ashamed. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You got to elaborate on this. I want to set the stage. Okay. You have the package. Yes. Okay.

For some reason. Did you have a plate? Did you put one on the plate? Oh, that would have been way better.. Okay. For some reason. Did you go, did you have like a plate? Did you put one on the plate? Oh, that would have been. That might have been. Okay, so I grabbed the package. Did you ever leave the kitchen? First thing.

That was the first step. I grabbed the package. This is a, not sealed, but you know, they got a little tie on it, unopened. And I, for some reason, grab it and start walking upstairs. So you it with you yes it had a handle i used it and i carried it with me upstairs and i ate one and i was like oh that's good so i ate another one and then i started eating two at a time so just like my underpants because it was that good i finished the. You can compress those real small. For sure. To deceive yourself into the fact that you're not eating an entire packet.

I finished the top tray and I went, what have I done? And then about 30 seconds later, I thought I was done. But about 30 seconds later, I was like, my mouth needs more Hawaiian roll bread. So I think I went into my child's room and I finished the second. This is like a. Why did you go to a different room? Because I was out where I could be seen at that moment. I was at the top of the stairs.

I didn't make it to my room. You went to a child's room to shame eat Hawaiian rolls. That is a moment from my past. Last week. It was clearly when you had children. It was two years ago. Okay. Wow.

That is not amazing. Not every man can say that. Do you celebrate the anniversary? Of your Hawaiian roll day? And Tiffany found the packages. She was like. Where did those Hawaiian rolls go? Yeah.

You forgot to buy them, honey. Jason, you have another pick. You have movie theater, popcorn, and bacon. Okay. My gamble paid off. I could see this going undrafted, but I know how much Mike loves the season. No, no, no. When I draft this, you guys will be upset because it truly is one of the greatest smells in the world.

It only comes around once a year. I know where you're going. It's a real live Christmas tree. When you smell a Christmas tree, the whole season changes. The smell of... It's a good smell. Yeah. That's why they make fake smell like that to put on your fake trees, because they want

to replicate the good smell. So pine. Pine trees. Sure. Yeah. But no. Christmas trees. Oh, gosh.

Sounds like pine trees. it's similar but this one is see a pine tree you would smell it out in the woods it's pretty good but when you cut there's something about murdering that tree i see it transforms it you know i've noticed when you murder things they smell better they smell well sometimes so far we have pigs and pine trees hey both on my team oh my gosh okay um so do i want to pivot away from uh from the foods maybe i've got two two picks here man oh geez take forever new car smell oh it's on my short list. New car smell. Sometimes it lasts a while. Sometimes it does. You can get four to six months out of a new car smell.

As long as you don't bring food into the car. Oh, because you could. Or the guy from Lowe's. But the second you drive through anything, it's gone. So you have to keep the food out of the car. That's a pro tip. So if you guys ever go to the car wash and you get the new car smell, and it doesn't smell

like new car. You're not fooling me. This is not a new car. It never works. But if you go buy a new used car... You do get the smell. They've done it. They've figured this out. There's some detailing secret. This is a new car.

Oh, that's funny. I never thought about that. New car smells, one of them. Now, I'm tempted to go, like I wanted to go with like a bakery, but I feel like you've got bread and then you've also taken cookies. Yeah, you can't take bakery. I can't take bakery. Because I got it on lockdown.

I was just doing a little test there, just making sure. I would like to do all of your smells. Jason's over there thinking about like like, maybe I could do bakery. Because there are cakes in there. Yes, I am. There are pastries in there. But make your pick, and then we'll talk. You can't take bakery.

I'm not taking. We just established that. I'm not going to take bakery. He's going to definitely try to take bakery when I pass on bakery. Borland, I need you to hold fast back there. Hold fast. Yeah, Borland, what's the rule here? No bakery.

I agree. Al? I'm going to wait to hear his pick. We'll go. We'll go. Hold fast. Yeah, Borland, what's the rule here? No bakery. I agree. Al? I'm going to wait to hear his pick. Okay. Okay. So wait, if my... Okay. Here, let's make it easy.

The rule is... Bakery. I'm sorry. I'm going to wait to hear Jason's pick. The rule is no bakery on this pick. I agree. Yes. Yes.

No bakery on this pick. We'll hear how he describes it. That's not what I... No bakery. No bakery. Okay. Okay. Agree.

On any pick. Now, see, I meant. No bakery. No bakery. Agreed. On any pick. Now, see, I'm thinking about some different ones here. I think the ocean smells good, but it can also smell bad. Oh, the ocean can smell terrible. That's why I'm not going with it. It smells like fish. Jersey shoreline. It depends which ocean it is, really.

I'm going to say, I'm just going to go with this one. Go with your heart. Wood-burning fireplace. All right. A wood-burning fireplace. It right. A wood-burning fireplace. It's like Jason's pick of Christmas trees. Are you burning pine logs? It emotes.

It brings out a feeling, right? Like if a smell brings out a feeling. Yes. Now, several of the ones we've picked brings out the feeling of hunger. You know, delicious foods. Right. But this one brings out just like a homey, wonderful smell. So I'm going to go a wood-burning fireplace.

All right. Now let's talk Borland. So here's the thing. I was going to pick this, and I don't think this is the same. Now, I can see where you can say it is very similar to a bakery, so that can be the argument. And I'm fine being overruled. But to me, one of the best smells in the world is going to a donut shop.

You walk in Dunkin' Donuts, and the smell of donuts is unbelievable. And it smells different than bread. So, look. Yeah, no, that's fine. You can say donuts. Sure. Yeah, we'll let it go. A donut shop.

Boom. All right. There you go. I got my bakery. There you go. Well, my bakery. There you go. Well, your version of a bakery would be... Sweeter? I mean, take your delicious bread, and I'm adding sugar and frosting scent.

Yes. Yeah. Well, I win. Because none of those Dunkin' Donut employees have the BO problem from the... No, they do not. I can't smell it. All right, Mike, you got a final pick right now. I do.

We'll lay out our teams, and you can close yours out. I have fresh brewed coffee, chocolate, new car smell, and a wood-burning fireplace. So I was going to draft something before you brought up bakery that I think is so on Mike's brand. I'm shocked that it hasn't gone. I drafted, what did I do? Movie theater popcorn. Thank you. Bacon. Oh, man, shocked that it hasn't gone. I drafted, what did I? Movie theater popcorn. Thank you. Bacon.

Oh, man, so good. Live Christmas tree. Why does it say live? It's dead. We've established it's a murdered Christmas tree. I murdered it. Christmas trees and a donut shop. You can go with Christmas.

I mean, technically, that tree is a live tree. That's what he's saying. Murdered pine tree. It's not a plastic tree. I think it's saying real versus obviously. Yes, real Christmas tree. My plastic Christmas tree doesn't do anything for me. And then a donut shop.

Oh, man. And then Mike has fresh baked cookies. I love my pizza. He's got pizza. He's got bread. He is carbo-loading his smells. Are you going to finish the carbo-load? That's where I'm actually torn.

I have two that I want to go with. I think I can guess one of them. And one is another carb. That smells oh so delicious. You have the new carb smell. Very nice. Nicely done. It was right there.

Yep, yep. Oh, man. Yeah, I have the two that I have narrowed it down to. One stays with my theme. You can tell us both. And I do love a theme I guess on the last one on the clock. So it would be french fries because walking into a

McDonald's that has the fresh fries going. I think you really mean McDonald's though. Because you don't walk in and smell fries anywhere. Like you're romanticizing McDonald's fries. Yes, I absolutely am. But I could say McDonald's and people can absolutely

link that with not good sense. You would say McDonald's fries. I could say that, yeah. And then the other one is rain. I'm a big fan of the hard part here so I'm working it out. With rain

is... I think you like desert rain. Is when you say, I like the smell of rain, you're like, well, do you mean you smell that it's going to rain? Yes. I like the pre. Or are you saying you like that it's just rained and now... I like the smell of water. Do you like that it's just rained and now the air is actually clean?

Bottle of water. Well, yeah. I thought fresh air was a thought. Fresh air was a thought. I mean, it's not i haven't you can say you have to say either before the rain or after rains but that's why i'm saying i can just take rain yeah if you just take rain that's yeah go go for it you can do whatever you want but then you're just drafting water the smell of water people know what rain

smells like maybe maybe they do maybe they don't i do love a good theme is the problem i i hope so i'm guessing that you might not like the smell i wrote down but if you do like it i think you'll be really disappointed in yourself and that's my hope i see what's this mental warfare happening all right i'm gonna take uh i'll take rain okay that's a good smell. I thought you might go with brownies. I thought he might go with sneakers, like a new pair of shoes. Trust me. That's literally my favorite smell in the entire world.

Well, that's weird. We just drafted your favorite smells. Because I've learned my lesson, Jason Moore. People love the smell of sneakers. I almost took it. I would agree with that. I would agree with that. No, no, no. No, no, no, no. I would took it. I would agree with that. I would agree with that. No, no, no. I would imagine sneaker smell would have gotten you

as many votes as rain. 100%. And it's on brand. I know. It's my favorite smell in the world. It is not a carbohydrate. It is. But I've learned my lesson that when, sometimes when you take your favorites, you lose. Yes. And then Jason Moore's just like, oh, I take this movie. Star Wars.

I've never even seen it in my life, but I'm going to take it because I know people like it. And I won. Yeah, you did. What was the other carb you were going to go with? French fries. French fries. Oh, French fries. I got you.

All right. What did you guys learn today? I learned very recently here that Andy has indeed enjoyed his own fart. I was amused. I was amused. I learned two things on today's show. I learned that Jason has a shameful past with Hawaiian rolls and that Al Borland loves his own farts. And I learned that you two men are cowards when it comes to speaking to your wives.

Smart. Smart. Still married. Hashtag still married. Romantic lovers. I love you, Tim. Hashtag still married. Romantic lovers. I love you, Tim. Smart romantic lovers we are. All right.

Goodbye, everybody. See you next time. Thank you for tuning in. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. If you want to hear more, if you want access to the full archive

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