Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 5: Disgusting Treats and the Best Jobs Ever - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 16, 2018

Fun times are had describing some of the most awful food combinations that the Spitballers love to eat. Truly gross stuff. On the bright side, the Spitballers bring you some real world advice with how to deal with greeting new people in fantastic new ways. Finally, if you want to know what the Spitballers think is the best job ever (other than theirs, obviously) this is the comedy podcast to listen to! Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Welcome. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast. It must be Monday because there's another Spitballers podcast. Andy, Mike, and Jason welcome you to our experiment. Sit in in what may or may not be the most... You blew it, man! The most defining moment of your natural life

is listening to this show. The key part of an experiment is you cannot tell people that they are involved in an experiment. Gotta have the control. Yeah, the control is now busted. Well, I... Unless that's part of the experiment.

Sometimes you perform experiments and it's really obvious when they're experiments. That's all I'm saying. And this is really obvious. This is an experiment on social norms, on public decency and human behavior. Can three dads. Talking to microphones for 60 minutes. I think we're only going to make it to 45 today, guys. I'll be honest.

Not feeling the full 60. It's a beautiful day, actually. I mean, this Monday, when that music started up, you want to know what happened to my cheeks? They got rosy. Which ones? They went north. Oh, no. Oh, no. We're a family show. You want to know what happened to my cheeks? They got rosy. Which ones? Oh, no. Come on. Oh, no. We're a family show.

Yeah, the cheeks that are on my upper face. Upper? Your upper? Well, I just need to be really specific with everything. My cheeks are on the lower face. Yeah, the problem is the upper. Your cheeks are definitely not anywhere above my mouth. They're next to your mouth, Jason.

Where are your cheeks? The middle is the highest they can possibly be uh not not after that music that's what i'm saying they went north oh is that a good thing it's a smile my man oh no you couldn't have upper cheeks on your face but then you're probably a butt face yeah technically speaking yeah i mean just but mean, this is about science. Today on the Spitballers podcast, we have some very exciting segments that may sound a lot like that. That's a great question. Would you rather?

Some favorites. We'll talk about what we learned on the show. You can find us on Twitter at SpitballersPod, where you can follow all of our lower and upper cheeks on Twitter. The lower cheeks are not on there. Face cheeks.

Instagram if you want the lower cheeks. That's over on the IG. No. But if you are over there, it's spitballerspod on Instagram. Spitballerspod.com Spitballerspod on Facebook. Spitballerspod.com spitballers pod on facebook spitballers pod in your pocket i'm gonna give ten dollars to the first person that sends me a picture of their spitballers pod tattoo ten dollars ten cash no checks you'll mail them

bouncing singles like fresh singles like my grandma used to give me? Straight from the bank. Pressed iron. That was a thing. Did you guys have that? My grandparents, for every single birthday, when I got money from my grandparents, it was straight from the bank, fresh, crisp dollar bills. I experienced that, I think, maybe once in my life. Well, that's kind of nice. I mean, they are... Well, it's nice that you now have a-

Straight from the mint, Andy. You have a form of currency that is also a deadly weapon because you can just- Oh, you didn't want to spend it. That's the worst part about that kind of money. Every time I lost a tooth, I'd get a silver dollar. You ever spent those silver dollars? Who takes silver dollars?

Everyone takes silver. Yeah, they all take it. Do they? Yes. But it's like a collectible coin, so it's like I got to put it away. So I've got a little bit of bad news for you, Andy. Just like a tooth. Andy, what was this, your grandparents?

Is that who sent you the money? That is correct. Okay, so my great aunt Aurora. Wow. I believe that that is your great aunt's name. Your great aunt was Sleeping Beauty? Yes. Rest in peace. Aurora. Wow. I believe that that is your great aunt's name. Your great aunt was Sleeping Beauty? Yes. Rest in peace.

Aurora. Yes, Aurora. That's actually my niece's wife. Did she marry a man named Mr. Borealis? Because that would have been amazing. Oh, no. She was obviously way superior to your grandparents every birthday. Really?

Oh, yes. Because she would send- Kmart gift cards. Myself and my sister, very crisp, $2 bills. Oh, that's even worse than the silver dollar. No, but here's the thing. Just one of them? No.

Well, yes. I made more money than that. But every year I would get another one. And I was told growing up, like, they're going to be worth so much money because $2 bills are going away. And so you'd save them, and they were in the bottom drawer. And then one day, one day, this is a true story. Oh, great. All the ice cream man comes around, right?

And I tell my friends because I got my allowance. I'm like, hey, this is on me. Oh, you were big balling on the block. So, you know, look, the order comes in. I go to pay. I'm like, where's my allowance money? Oh, no. I don't have it.

So I had to go to that bottom drawer, open it up, go under the clothes. This is the saddest thing I've ever heard. It gets way sadder. Oh, no. Grab the $2 bills. I take it. I pay. The ice cream man leaves.

I break down crying in front of all of my friends. And I'm like, oh, what did I do? And we got him back like the next time around. You've been making similar choices with food ever since. Yeah. I just, I got a sweet tooth. Wow. That is sad.

Welcome to the spit box. On that note. That's a great question. All right. We have some fun questions to get into today. We'll start with this one. I really enjoyed it. What are some fun when I read it?

I really enjoyed the question when I read it. What are some fun ways to answer everyday questions like how's it going or what do you do? So I guess this is just the everyday platitudes of humanity that come your way, right? Nobody really ever

wants the answer to this question in reality. Well, the answer is always good. It does not matter. I'm just saying in general. Yes, the range is from good to I'm doing okay. Yeah, sure. And that could be you are on the precipice of the worst day of your life, and the worst answer you will give is I'm doing all right. Yeah, and you could have just had something great happen,

and usually the answer is good. I'm doing real good. and unusually the answer is good. I'm doing real good. So, but... Those intros are the greeting cards of human conversation. Completely worthless. Yeah.

Here's how I handle these situations. By nature, I'm an introverted person. You have a very angry face by nature. By default. And small talk is the worst. Yeah, it's not your cup of tea. You have low face cheeks. Your face cheeks don't go up into the smile by default.

They're low face cheeks. I can't handle it. So I have developed some techniques. Really? Through the course of my life. And my number one go-to for the how's it going question i just i grabbed my tennis racket just i hit that ball right back and i say they say oh hey mike how's it going oh how's it going ah i never ever answer the house's it going. You treat it like it is a hello.

Not like it is a question. 100% because I am not answering your silly question. I'm not wasting the words. Inefficient. Because you don't. And your word efficiency is unbelievable. Because you don't care. You don't care how it's going. See, this is why I think the answer

should always start with wow. Thank you for asking. how it's going see this is why this is why i think the answer should always start with wow thank you for asking like thank you for asking and then you launch into exactly how your day is going right exactly you got to take it up a notch you got to be like you know because if you put yourself on the other side of that hey jim how's it going whoa thank you thank you so much for asking me now me the asker I go I've made a terrible mistake what have I done uh look at the watch I gotta get going I think I think that's a pretty solid way to do it you may eventually prune that question out of humanity but by answering that way I think it might be may eventually prune that question out of humanity by answering that way.

I think it might be entertaining to come up with some ways to answer those questions that would, like that one, at least give you some joy or entertainment. I think it'd be fun to start answering that question by defending yourself for something that they did not tell you, they don't know about. I love it. That's a great tool in the tool belt. Yeah. Hey, how's it going? How's it going?'s it going oh no no i didn't mean to i mean she didn't she didn't see oh i didn't even just indict yourself yeah who are you to judge me yeah i like that one put them immediately on the defensive or you start with a complex movie plot that they don't on they can't unravel until about halfway through the story you tell tell them, oh, man, I've really got something going on here.

Because, I mean, I've been on the run, and I think that there's a map on the back of the Declaration of Independence that I've been trying to get to. What if you just looked them in the eye and they said, hey, how's it going? Why? Well, you want people to be sad around you. No, just stop talking to me. People do these things because they want to be kind to you. So give me a hello.

They want to acknowledge your presence. They want to know how you're doing. They just want, hey, Mike, how you doing? Here's another tool for the tool. How are you doing? What do you do? What do you do? What do you do for a living? Look, at the end of this.

Don't even get me started on the what do you do. Now, since I have become a podcaster, this is the ultimate nightmare. It's someone who I'm not really – I know this conversation is not going anywhere, but then they say, oh, well, what do you do? You go, ah, crap. So let's do a little role play here. All right. I'm going to give you a hypothetical person asking the what would you do question.

You guys answer it for me. Or what do you do question. Let's say it's from your mother. Your mother says, what do you do? For the mom, I'll break it down. You'll get into the details? What do you do? For the mom, I'll break it down. You'll get into the details?

Oh, no. I'm a podcaster, which means I create audio programs similar to the old-time radio, except you can listen whenever you want. Great Aunt Aurora has come knocking, Jason. She wants to know what you do. I like to wake up, have breakfast. I try to get in three meals a day. This is what you do? Because that is what I do.

Why is my occupation who I am? How dare you, Anna Rora, put me in that box? He's so boxing. Shame on you, Anna Rora. Go back to Anaheim. So if a grandmother or grandpa asks me what I do, I just say... Radio? Radio.

Dancer's radio. I do a radio show. Anybody over the age of 45, it's radio. Oh, that's pretty young. Yeah, is it? It feels that way now. That's why I didn't say 40. I would have said 45 years ago.

Yeah, so as we get older, the age just keeps growing. What if you just answered, how's it going, with like a real answer? What if you just actually thought for a second? It's too much work. Is it? Yeah, because you're opening a Pandora's box of, I don't want your actual advice on my life situation, stranger in the elevator.

When you say, how's it going? And I go, boy, it's tough. My kid is sick, and my wife and I have been fighting this week. And then what? You're going to get advice from strangers in the elevator? I just realized something. This is a first for the Spitballers podcast. This is the first time in the history of the Spitballers podcast

that we have actually given a legitimate... I learned something right now, which is your answer, Mike. The next time someone says, how's it going? I am ping-ponging that thing right back. It's foolproof. It's actually a legit... We just learned something legitimate for the first time. How's it going with you?

This show is a subversive, strategic cure to humanity. I just want people to understand that we're figuring out these problems, and then we're shifting to another great question right now. What is the most embarrassing thing that you have ever worn? So many options. I'll start. Mine is... Spectacular?

Yeah. My most embarrassing thing is here's the thing about grade school. Once you come to school in the morning, you got to stick. You're committed. You're there until you get picked up. So you make a mistake in the beginning. You carrying that weight of shame, embarrassment, anxiety, trying to hide yourself for the remainder of that day

there are two specific instances that i remember as a child one was the generalized choice to wear biker shorts once wait wait what to school to school what did you have over the bike nothing what i chose length not long enough i chose to wear biker shorts because i rode my bike to school one day and thought that that's what i needed to wear as a biker and then i had to endure the rest of the day embarrassed and i was a little man i was a wee little man i was just gonna paint the picture with long skinny legs i knew you in school and you were saying you were a wee little man sounds like everyone that out there thinks when I was in school, I was a little smaller than others. I was teeny tiny, itty bitty.

You were an itty bitty, tiny. You probably weighed, when you got to high school, which was when I met you, you probably weighed 38 pounds. Sure, sure. But the real story was this. In school, you're filled with jealousy over kids can afford the new Jordans. Can kids get the newest Adidas? The three-stripe Adidas were hot when I was in grade school. But we didn't ever buy any of that stuff.

Our objective in my family was can I find some knockoff imitation version of the Stooshie t-shirt or – Stooshie. That was the knockoff version of the Stooshie t-shirt? Stooshie? That was the knockoff. Sorry, Stooshie. You had Stooshie brand. Oh, man. Montissimo.

But listen. And yes, fear. Yes, fear. It wasn't guest jeans. No. It was guest. Guest jeans. Gu guest jeans. No. Answer. It was guest. Guest jeans. Guest jeans.

So the one that I remember is for some reason in grade school, jean jackets. Oh, denim jackets. Heck yeah. Were in, denim jackets. And everybody had them. Well, I bought an imitation jean jacket. I convinced my mom to buy it for me.

When I say imitation, I just mean cheap. jacket i convinced my mom to buy it for me when i say imitation i just mean cheap it take a jean jacket and then bring it to a county fair and then fill it fill it with cotton candy because why is there cotton candy like it was the most puffy it was the puffiest inflated. I was so puffy. This thing was humongous. And you know how small I was. It was three times the size of me. And I wore this thing, and I knew right away I had made a horrible mistake. See, the problem with my most embarrassing thing that I've ever worn is that it was like five years ago.

I don't have the right to be like I just did it no better and here's maybe compounding it I spent three hundred dollars what on it what yeah and and did you wear an automobile since that time I am not allowed to go shopping for anything that i wear without my wife this is a like it it's a rule and it's a rule mostly imposed by myself because i thought i was getting something really cool and then i got it i wore it and i went what a loser i look so dumb i walked in the house and my wife immediately started laughing at me oh no that's so you gotta have been felt so bad i got a new pair of glasses i wear glasses prescription lenses they were they were smaller they weren't they weren't really big they were kind of like like

top to bottom they were i don't know less than an inch. Like a thin rectangle? Yeah, a thin rectangle. Like the librarian's glasses? I paid the upcharge. I paid extra to make sure that they were transition lenses. Oh, if I go in the sun, these are going to be sunglasses now. I don't know if you've ever seen tiny sunglasses on someone, but they're ridiculous. And the thing is,

once you've done it, it never fully goes away. So I'm inside with these kind of dark hours. It takes forever to transition. I just, I mean, they're in the garbage. They went straight to the garbage

and I had to buy new glasses. I remember you wearing them. Oh, they were so bad. I remember, and it was one of the, Ray Charles. Yeah. Ray Charles.

It made no sense. Mike, you have a story. All right. So I got to set it up. I don't know why I purchased this particular shirt, I will call it. It was at some kind of, you know, they have these army surplus stores. Again, I don't know why this exists but it was a a mesh a completely mesh shirt like see through the mesh yes mesh i mean but it had a camo design on it if you're far

enough away you can see this okay and i'm on some kind of trip and i'm like oh maybe this could be cool and so i buy it it's not cool i never i never ever wear it until oh no so this this this fits in perfectly with you you can get a good grasp of my personality from the way i answered this first question i turn 18 that's the age that there is a club that you can go to and the dancey dance kind of a club. And some of my friends are club type of guys. They're cool. And I'm like, I don't even know what to wear. So we go into my closet and one of my friends finds this mesh shirt. And there's nothing left to the imagination once you wear this

once you are wearing this you're you're you're out pepperonis out everything everything is out and but i'm too embarrassed like somehow i'm gonna wear this in a club but i'm too embarrassed to leave my own home wearing it so i put on this i have a button-up shirt right over it and i have on these black cargo pants which are five sizes too large because i was part of the ultra baggy pants club so i have a button up shirt which the pattern on it is definitely the pattern of a uh a lunch you you're going on a picnic and your blankets yeah yeah checker the checker that red plaid ish checkered thing i get i get to the club and i don't have the courage to go full full mesh instead you open this thing up in the middle i am i'm unbuttoned. So it's just on the top and my super baggy cargo shorts.

Did you pick up a lot of chicks that night? No. Surprisingly, no one wanted to dance with me. But you know who wanted to dance with me? They were filming a local cable access, like an MTVtv grind style television oh get down so this camera's going around and there's you're in the line and then it's your big shot to do to do your dance moves so i'm in a red picnic blankets open button open button shirt with just middle of chest and tummy through this mesh shirt. And then I have no dance moves.

So then I start to do the robot when it is my turn. So there is a clip of me. Oh, there's a clip? It's somewhere. I'm sure in the world of have to find it exists but i am doing the robot in a camo mesh shirt with this with the picnic cover okay wait easier way to get ten dollars if you're listening instead of the tattoo find this clip of mike right dancing in the club what club was the club was called the buzz you darn right it was gracious oh wow cash wow i wonder if my

my friend may have this on vhs somewhere i'll do some yes inspecting you're gonna regret inspecting that would you rather would you rather have all the traffic lights you approach be green or never have to stand in line ever again? Tough debate, tough decision, real-life choice here. I feel like I want to make this question a little bit more difficult. You think it's easy? You think it's simple? Well, I do, but I want to add a caveat to number one. Would you rather all traffic lights, your approach be green,

or you never stand in line again, but every light you come to has just turned red? Oh, come on. That's a nightmare. But you never stand in line again. See, look, for me. Zipping around with all green lights would be nice. Correct. But if you're zipping around with all green lights would be nice but if you're zipping around with all green lights to long lines if you get there way faster just to wait i always love that

on the road when i'm being some guy comes screaming by me and we're both at the same red light and then you get to the next light? Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's great. They're timed up, man. They're timed up. Man, it does make it a lot more difficult because for me it was – I would easily choose the green light one then. Or are you saying that if you choose –

yeah, if you choose the green light and you end up standing in line. Yeah, that's the easy choice. See, and I was going to choose, and I still think I am going to, to never stand in line again because – I wanted to make it harder. Yeah, here's the thing. To never stand in line again. When I come up to a red light, I've got podcasts in my ears.

I've got a car. I'm in the air conditioning. You've got your phone out. Yeah, things are good. You're selfie-ing. Right. I'm typing. I'm vlogging. I'm blogging you know

snapping very little what about jogging are you doing the just the sit down in shape yeah i feel like i'm running at an incredible rate um but standing in lines suck and i love going to disney could you imagine going to disneyland that's the only place that you can make the argument because lines don't even exist anymore. You buy everything online. The bank? Who goes to the bank? Go to Costco. I have been to the bank. Oh, Costco. What? That's a huge upgrade. Yeah, if I can

get in and out of Costco like a magician. You don't even need to go in the line at Costco. What do you mean? Wait. Well, hold on. Hold on. This is ridiculous. Are you about to change my life? Yes. I've told you guys this. Are you about to change my life? Yes. I've told you guys this. If you go to Sam's Club.

No. Hold on. Hold on. I go to the real one. I go to Costco. Thanks, Mike. Okay, whether it's Sam's Club or a grocery store, all I have to do. I'm not here in Costco.

I pull my phone out. I scan all the things. I walk out the door. That's all I do. No lines. At Costco? No, at Sam's Club. Yeah.

And then how do you get the product? Sam's Club ships it to you? No, no, no. You just put it in your cart, and it pays on your phone. Wait. I'm not joking. Wait. You don't know this?

I told you this. I walk into Sam's Club. It's packed out on a Saturday. Completely jammed. People everywhere. Every time I put an item in my cart, I scan it. I hold it up to the person walking out the door They scan it and it's done

But then do they take a real permanent marker and check on your phone No I'm going with the green lights I want to be zipping around I don't want any red lights ever again I'm going to stick to freeway driving I can take surface streets You don't even believe this

I could go to CS Club And you are using Just like a barcode scanner So you're telling me you don't even believe this. I could go to see his club. Yes. And you are using just like a barcode. You just use a barcode scanner on your phone and you click the pay button and then you walk out the door. Get out of here. It's great. I do it all the time. I've been telling you guys. I was going to mock you for being the old person that goes to Sam's Club instead of Costco.

Why is Costco the new hottest? They're the same place. But man, that sounds pretty cool. It's wonderful. Look, Costco is on notice right now. Costco, you listening up? Get your tech. Get your tech up.

Because my membership is up for renewal. Switching up. And I'm about to jump on the Sam's Club train. Awesome. Wow. That is amazing. That is awesome. All right.

I got to go. I got gotta go to sam's club would you rather have chapped lips that never heal which sounds terrible or a terrible dandruff problem that can never be treated and when i say terrible i it's gotta be terrible because chapped lips that never heal is terrible oh in both cases, you have an extreme case of it. Let's put it that way. You've got hats. Hats are not an option because it's going to knock that stuff all over the place. Well, and for Jason, black shirts are out.

Oh, black shirts are way out. If you have terrible dandruff, you cannot wear a black shirt. So you're gaining 10 pounds just with that. Unless you live in a very snowy climate. Is that snow? Yep. That's where you move immediately. Siberia.

You hide like a leper in Siberia. I think I would rather go to Denver. I mean, I don't think I want to go to Denver. But it's not snowy enough. It's not snowing all the time. I will be the opposite of a snowbird. Some people live in Denver in the summer, and then they go toing all the time. I will be the opposite of a snowbird. You know, like some people live in Denver in the summer, and then they go to Arizona in the winter.

I'm going to reverse. I'm going to go to Denver in the winter and then Siberia in the summer. Dan's just uncomfortable, too. You probably have a little itchy scalp going on. Look, here's a little thing that you might not know about me. I hate, nay, abhor lipstick, chapstick, the feeling of anything on your lips. I can't do it. I can't kiss my wife.

That's just what you're talking about. I got to put some chapstick on. I can't kiss my wife if she's worn lip gloss. What? Yeah, no, I just can't do it. Suffocates those beautiful reds? Yeah, and so the idea of having chapped lips to me, I feel like you'd have to have stock in chapstick.

Oh, you'd be chapsticking it up, and it would never heal, though. And I can't do that. This is not specific to Carmex, which is absolutely awful and disgusting. Do you remember the old grade school rumors about Carmex? No. No. It always circled around our school that carmex puts micro pieces of glass inside of their containers to keep them nice and nice and chat that was the

uh i believe chapstick brand put that one out they uh they do put the the world's worst possible smell smell i believe that's just called Vaseline. Yeah, it pretty much is. I open that up and I'm going, what? This is just Vaseline. It's just in a different container. It's like I put the scent of a hospital on my face.

It's very uncomfortable. Not a good smell. So, Mike, chapped lips, terrible dandruff. That's a tough choice. Both are bad. But for the chapped lips, I can put chapstick on. Spicy food is going to be an issue. Yeah, and if you're all cracked.

Yeah. Cracked open. To make this one, look, this is mild chapped lips. Oh. Okay. Your lips aren't destroyed. Oh, I'm going to choose the chapped lips, and dandruff would be bad. Yeah, I can live with chapstick.

You're insane over here with your no chapstick policy. It's like a luxurious spa day for my lips every time I put it on. They don't ever heal the problem, though. My wife is addicted to chapstick. We literally have. Because they dry your lips out. Do you know what I just installed? On her side

table, I installed one of those Amazon Dash buttons for Burt's Bees. Wow wow when she runs out of chapstick she can push the button and more chapstick will show up at our house that's how addicted to chapstick she is now can she can she make it through an entire uh stick without losing it one nobody can do that probably not one no that's one of my claim to fames is I am on a hot streak. You haven't lost a... I'm in the double digits for Chapstick of fully utilizing an entire stick. That is not a hot streak I would be proud of.

Speaking of which, would you rather be the absolute best at something like that, that no one takes seriously like that, or be well above average but not anywhere near the best at something well respected. So you could be the world's greatest turkey baster. You could be the world's most spectacular hula hooper. I've seen these people who, I don't even know what it is. who they're i don't even know what it is they take this like rubber rope and they stretch it across uh like an an empty chasm and they do these crazy jumps and bounces on slack it's uh slack wire slack rope something like and they're like like this is what they do for a living it has to be

because they're so good at jumping on this little rubber line. And it's like, how did you get good at this? Where did you practice this skill? You can blank a statement. World famous mustache braider. Or. Which will get you on late night TV. Or I know how to play the piano poorly. No, no, no.

Above average. Oh, above average. Yeah. Well, well, well. And playing the piano, that would be a well-respected skill. You know, it takes time. You're a well-respected, above average violinist. I feel like there are ways to work this system,

or if you're an above average athlete. I'm an above average baseball player. I'm playing professional baseball if you're above average, right? No. No. What? If you're not anywhere near the best at something, no. You think above average goes to the professional?

I'm not talking about the MLB. I'm talking about. That's professional baseball. Well, no, but AAA and AA is still considered professional baseball as well. Yeah, you got to get drafted by a league, right? Yeah. I don't know how stupid baseball works. Look, I like being the best.

I like being the best. I like, you know, Andy, we were at the trainer this morning. He was talking some nonsense about how he'd rather play a tough game and lose by one. I'm a very competitive person, but I'm addicted to the competition. I'd rather lose a game by one than win by 50 if it means that I'm not going to have any competition. Yeah, and see, I'd rather win by 50 than win by one. I mean, I just want to blow people out of the water.

So I'm going to take every ridiculous skill that you think doesn't matter and I'm going to woo you. I'm going to woo every ridiculous skill that you think doesn't matter and and i'm gonna woo you i'm gonna woo you with it i mean i'm gonna impress you the best sometimes when i watch people do things that are like i like there's a lady who can juggle a table with her feet and it's amazing and you wish you could be the best in the world at it. I would be the best, and I would say you do it. And the humblest. No. But, yeah, you could maybe hit the halftime circuit.

At NBA basketball games, you could maybe do that. Juggling tables on your feet. Because it's all kind of circus acts. You know where I saw her, Mike? Television. She's famous. Any other thoughts? Want to weigh in? Moving Mike? Television. She's famous. Any other thoughts? Want to weigh in?

Moving on? No. Moving on. Our favorite things. All right. What's your favorite weird food combination, gentlemen? This is one I haven't thought of before. I don't know if I have one that's like out of this world crazy.

I have one. Mike should have a lot of these. Yeah, because he's got the worst taste. And food takes and thoughts. But I think mine's going to take the cake. You go, Mike. All right. Does yours involve cake?

I wish. Mine, it's going to sound, it might sound off-putting at the beginning but then once you really break it down you go oh well i guess it's not that strange but when i was a child i haven't done this in forever but when i was a kid i would say i ate this meal for 30 maybe 40 of my meals that was was, you remember SpaghettiOs? Yeah. Right? Yeah.

Is that a no? Yeah. No, of course I do. SpaghettiOs. Nutritional. And cottage cheese. What the crap? With the sauce?

Yes. Hot or cold? Hot. Hot cottage cheese? What are you, a monster? No, no, no, no. Oh, no. You don't.

You nuke the SpaghettiOs. You put the can, you dump it in the bowl, and then you do the, no. You nuke the SpaghettiOs. You put the can. You dump it in the bowl, and then you do the minute. How does this happen? And the microwave. How does something like that begin? I don't know how it started, but then you put the cold cottage cheese on there, and you get the nice temperature mix.

I hate you. Wait, first of all, explain to me a nice temperature mix. When is food nice if you mix hot and cold together to get lukewarm? Fuck this. Wait, what? First of all, explain to me a nice temperature mix. When is food nice if you mix hot and cold together to get lukewarm? When does that make a good food? No, it doesn't make lukewarm. I'm not talking about mixing. Oh.

You put it right on the top. You're not a maniac. Right. You ever put ice cream on a hot pie? Andy, shut your mouth, Mike. Keep going. Thank you. You're welcome. I'm just making enemies here.

But like I said, it sounds incredibly weird. How do you make lasagna? You put cheese on top of it. You go to Costco. You buy a frozen lasagna. Sam's Club. Okay, but you realize that that pasta is noodles, spaghetti sauce, and there's cottage cheese in it. It's not cottage cheese. No. It's not cottage cheese.

No, there's no cottage cheese. Okay, sorry. Ricottage is... Ricottage. Ricottage cheese is the next big hit. So you're trying to defend... But it's very similar. Okay.

No, I fully embrace that it is a weird combination. Do you think it's weird to eat pickles and cheese? Is that weird? It's weird to eat pickles because they're so disgusting. I mean, I love, like, if you gave me one hand, you'd give me a giant pickle. The other hand, you'd give me a giant block of cheese. I would eat them together in every bite through the whole thing over and over again. The real question has to be, would you wrap it?

Would you take the pickle, roll it up in a cheese? Oh, sure I would. Sure I would. That would be great. I don't think that's weird, though. I love both of those things. You like pickles? Me?

You love pickles. I love pickles. Mike and his stupid takes. Pickles are bad, but there's things like cheese and French fries, which for whatever reason, I'll say all potatoes. So like potato chips and French fries, which for whatever reason, I'll say all potatoes. So like potato chips and French fries. If I take a bite of something and then I add in a bite of French fries or potato chips, it becomes instantly more delicious to me.

So if I have a Subway sandwich, which is mediocre at best, if I take a bite of the sandwich and chips at the same time, the taste is elevated to a new level. Jason, tell your story. I highly recommend it. Mine is my dad's famous sandwich. Let me describe this sandwich to you. It is truly delicious.

You start with a raisin bread. I'm already out. I am already out. I hate raisins. Raisin bread? No, it's really good. The marbled cinnamon raisin bread. It's delicious.

Two phrases that have never been uttered in the same sentence. All right. Bologna. Raisin brain and bologna. Mustard. Cheese. Peanut butter and jelly. That's not a joke.

That's the same one. It is so good. I am telling you. It cannot be. Look, I don't even know how my dad ever convinced me to take a bite of this horrific monstrosity. I think you want your dad's approval. That's what I think.

I think you never got the approval, and then this sandwich came out, and you're like, I'm all in. So essentially. Dad, I love you. Give me that raisin crap. crap what is your favorite raisin slop weird food combination it's it's two ingredients that make the whole thing work and it and it sounds it sounds not good jelly and mustard i mean it's so good guys

you got the you got the sour and the sweet. Actually, I can buy it. What? No, I can understand what you're saying with the mustard. And honestly, I would be willing to try this sandwich. And you would love it? Except for the raisin bread. We can put it on rye.

Oh, rye? You picked the bread. What do you need, sourdough? Yeah, that's a great regular bread. Sourdough. All right. Put it on a kaiju roll. Mike is not a rye guy.

No, apparently not. Oh, my gosh. What about a raisin rye bread? Just add the raisins and the rye. Rye bread instantly makes your cheeks just... I feel like I've lost all hydration in my body. Upper cheeks or lower cheeks at that point? What do they do to your cheeks just... I feel like I've lost all hydration in my body. Do they become upper cheeks or lower cheeks at that point? What do they do to your cheeks? They start in your upper cheeks,

they go to your lower cheeks. Rye bread is the... I'll eat raisin bread every day of the week over rye bread. Rye bread is the worst. See, it's all a matter of perspective in this world, Mike. Yes, now I'm turned on. I want that raisin bread. Give it to me. Mike. Yes, now I'm turned on. I want that raisin bread. Give it to me.

All right. Another favorite question. Best job in the world. So is this handcrafted? You're just making a job? Or is this the best job that actually exists in the world? What is the best job? People think

that not having a job is the best job, but that gets very boring. And it does not pay well. Pays poorly. Yeah, so I think on that aspect. Question, is a gold digger a job? No. That's not because that's a pretty sweet gig. Yeah, that's, you're going to be a.

It's not that sweet of a gig, Jason. Have you seen the men that some of these women are marrying and dealing with in the bedroom? You can flip that right around if you find Sugar Mama, too. I mean, it goes both ways. Of course. Sorry, Tiff. No, Andy's right.

Andy is right. You're paying a price. That's the job. Oh, yeah. Oh, this is a deal with the devil. That's what you're saying. The job is you can withstand some things. A really old, wrinkly devil.

Yeah. A really, really wrinkly devil. There's so many great jobs. There are. And as I was trying to think through it, I mean, the truth is we, on the fantasy footballers. It's our job. We have the best job, but every single job has parts of it that are not great so i was trying to think through jobs that could it just be all great and i 100%

good i honestly think it's impossible to have everything be 100% great but the three i came up with three that i think have little downside. The travel video bloggers, I'm very envious of those people who just go to fancy hotels, go on adventures, and they film it all. Also known as they have to film it all. You have to film it. You got to do all the editing. I mean, there's things about it. Sure.

There's a downside. Apparently, people are paid to be water slide testers. This is a real job? This is a real thing. That's the worst job. That cannot be true. I Googled it, and this is a real job. How is that a good job?

Why don't they just say, hey, Bill, test this out. Also, yeah, you could die. You want to know who dies? The testers. Like I said, there are downsides to everything. Down slides? Oh. All right, continue. want to know who dies the testers like i said there are downsides to everything so i don't slides all right continue so the one i came up with is this would be peak job but there's a a caveat to it restaurant critics i think that is a incredible job but the whole write-up and the review. That sounds like work to me.

Sounds awful. So if I can be a restaurant critic, and at the end of it, I just go thumbs up. Just to them. They're the only ones among you. You want to be a professional restaurant eater. Yes. That's all you want. Did he keep it down is the job. But my opinion is so respected that whatever publication I work for, they just print a

thumbs up. This is very old man of me, which is me. This is Andy of you. If I could pick, what was that? A toffee puller. A toffee tester. I would imagine if you were a respected

author, that would be the gig I'd love. What about writer's block? Because if you go – What about the writing? The way that I romanticize being a writer is you can go out in the mountains. You can sit around, take as much time as you want, and to know that people would read and respect your work and like it and you'd bring something cool to their life.

Whether you're a fantasy writer, like you write these cool stories, or you're a writer that writes advice or stuff like that Whether you're a fantasy writer, like you write these cool stories, or you're a writer that writes advice or stuff like that. You're not Gresham. Who was the law book guy? The law book guy? Wrote the firm... Is it Gresham?

Maybe I was right. Gresham. Jermaine Gresham. Yes, they deserve to die. I think once you get past a certain point, money's not a problem. You get advances on your books. You get as much time as you want. That's the job I'd want.

I think. If you're crafting like a fantasy story, that'd be cool. I always thought that Bruce Buffer had one of the coolest jobs in the world. Now, if you don't know who Bruce Buffer is, that's part of the allure, right? Because he's famous, but he can go where he wants. He doesn't need to wear a hat and a trench coat and hide in the movie theater.

He can just have a good life, and every now and then people really like him. But the other side of it is Bruce Buffer... Weren't you going to tell people who he was? Yes, he's the announcer who does the UFC fights, and he basically just says, you know. Kind of like the guy that does the. It's time.

Let's get ready to rumble. Which is his brother. That's his brother. So they got double great gigs. Yeah. What else does he have to do or prepare for? No, that's it. You have to prepare a few words,

and then you get a ringside view that people pay $10,000 to see. But you're getting paid a lot of money to just come and be like, this dude's fighting that dude. Now I get to watch. I've got a new vote. Being Sam Elliott. That's going to be my vote as best job in the world. Being Sam. If That's going to be my vote as best job in the world. Being Sam.

If I had that voice. Do you think his job, though, is like full-time smoker? Like he says a few words, he gets paid for it. But the real job is when he's at home, he has to be smoking at all times to keep that voice. Dodge Ram. The Ram. The Coors. The Ram. The Coors. The Banquet Beer.

Coors. Coors. Coors. The Banquet Beer. I mean, he's just a modern day cowboy. All right. Let's close it out with this. What'd you learn on the show today?

I learned that Jason's father is a monster. Thanks, bud. I learned how to deal with people saying, how's it going? Oh, how's it going with you? I learned that if I'm going to approach Mike and have a conversation with him, I'm going to have a three-point bulleted plan,

and I'm going to make sure I'm efficient. I'm going to make sure that I have something to say because I don't want the rest. He has to answer. It seems I am personally responsible for both of these and the world is a better place. Debatable.

When you bust out, how's it going? I'm trying it the next time I can. Changing your life. Thank you for joining the Spitballers podcast. We'll see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.