Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 51: Sneak Peek of the Cheek & The Best Ice Cream Flavors - Funny Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: June 10, 2019

Booty shorts or belly shirts? Which would you rather always have to wear? Would you rather have $50k in bills or $500k in pennies? As always, these brave men are answering some of life’s toughest, most important questions. We put a cherry on top of this show with a draft of the Best Ice Cream Flavors! Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Visit us on the web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Was there a moo at the end? I don't have enough thumbs. I don't have enough thumbs to properly rate that. Because you like it that much? Oh, no. Yeah, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. A lot of thumbs up. I get you, Mike. I hear you loud and clear about it. I heard a very high-pitched mooing in the middle of it. I wish I had alien hands that were just all thumbs, and I'd give you 10 thumbs down right now. And it just kept going. I'm hanging by my ankles, Mike. And I see him.

I see him face up. Because he went with the tactic of you've dug yourself a hole. Yeah, you just keep going. Do you climb out or do you just go all the way through the earth? I'm in China right now, my friends. I made it to the other side. That was my favorite part of that gag as a child in a cartoon. It doesn't matter where you are located on the earth.

Geographically, if you dig a hole, you just end up in China. That's right. China's very large. I'm on the North Pole. I should end up on the South Pole, but no. Somehow I took a wrong left turn, and I'm in China now. Nobody ever ends up popping through in the middle of the ocean and letting the water fill up that hole.

Oh, that's a good point. That's what I'm saying. The vast majority of the planet Earth is covered in water. No, we're good. Do you get a depressurization once you bust through the bottom there, or do you explode? I'm pretty sure you just melt in the molten core. Oh, there's a lot of things that would happen, yes.

There's a lot wrong with that. No, you just melt in the molten core. Oh, there's a lot of things that would happen, yes. There's a lot wrong with that. No, you would melt. I mean, once you get inside the actual center of the Earth, the forces of gravity, you're stuck there. Unless you have a way to climb out, you're stuck in the middle. Oh, I have a way. Elon. Oh, yes.

Rocket Man. Elon Musk, a lot of people think he's building tunnels for, you know, underneath LA. No, he's going straight through the earth. Excellent. We can finally find those dinosaurs. Yeah. Is that where they live? Yeah.

In the middle? Have you read Jules Verne? Jules Verne. I have not. Meet my sons, Jules and Verne. When I say I've read Jules Verne, I mean I've seen the movie Journey to the Center of the Earth with Brendan Fraser. Wow. That's, I apologize.

Have you not seen it? I have never seen that because. Your dad was a well-read man. Because I did. And by well-read, I mean he saw all the Brendan Fraser movies. I did see the trailer. So no, I did not see the movie. It's actually pretty good. That's the cliff notes of the book. It's the trailer to the trailer. So no, I did not see the movie. It's actually pretty good.

That's the cliff notes of the book. It's the trailer to the movie. It's a kid's movie, and I promise, you will actually enjoy it. Brandon Fraser, I mean, he brings back Encino Man. It's great. I promise I will never know whether you're right. Because I will never try it. Welcome into the Spitballers Podcast at SpitballersPod on Twitter,

Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod. Find us on YouTube. We appreciate your reviews. Oh, so much. Oh, so much. Apps are not the app store. I mean, you could try to review us there, but we don't have any apps. In Apple Podcasts, and we're actually going to read one of them right now.

Review-a-saurus regs. podcasts and we're actually going to read one of them right now review asaurus rex this one comes in from kathrino monday is now my favorite day five stars working for a company that i can barely stand i now look forward to getting to work on mondays knowing that there is a new spitballers episode waiting on my phone. These three are one of the bright spots in an otherwise dull, dreary work week. Thanks for all the laughs. I'd be lying if I said I've never had coworkers check in on me to see why I'm lolling. Keep up the good work. Excellent. And I would have read that keynote.

Oh, because you're on lead speed. Yeah, you're totally lead. This seems like a bad time to tell them that we're closing up shop and this podcast is all over. Yeah. Right? Sorry, Keno. Did you ever play Keno?

I feel bad for Keno. I did, but I don't remember it. It's in the recesses of my brain. Don't people play that for money? Yeah, it's pretty much like a bingo okay but my advice here to keno if you don't like your job just play keno well no don't do that but get a new job man i just feel sad seize the day keno you can laugh at this show at the new job that you love you're welcome would you rather because that's how you get a new job that you just

well this show's really easy this show's not going anywhere either we have absolutely no overhead cost i mean it's just this is the easiest thing to do in the world. Borland works for free. Jason works for dog biscuits. They're so good, crunchy. No, you don't want them soggy. Never a lack of crunch for dog biscuits. You don't want them to be soggy. All right, we're into Would You Rather. We also have Situation Room on the show today and a draft.

Mike wrote in. Nope, not you. Oh. Another Mike says, would you rather have all your shirts be belly shirts or all your pants be booty shorts? Oh, booty. This is so easy. I had a really bad

experience. This is easy? Oh, this is so easy. I went to the store the other day. Needed some new shorts. I told Mike this. Yeah. I bought like 10 pairs. Different brands. Now, I'm sorry. I'll jump in in a second. I told Mike this. Yeah. I bought like 10 pairs, different brands. Now, I'm sorry. I'll jump in in a second.

I bought them all thinking I was a 32. Came home, proceeded to put each one on, show my wife. None of those fit. None of them fit. The best part of this story is- So tight. I've done the same thing. I've done the exact same thing because I cannot be bothered to take 90 seconds of my life

to go in the dressing room. I know. Try them on. No, it's, yeah, these will probably fit. And if they don't, I've now created hours and hours of problems for myself for saving 90 seconds. The worst part is I bought 34s, and they were too big. So what the heck am I supposed to do now?

I returned those. I returned two sets already. Wow. Wait, you're telling me 34s were too big, 32s were too small? I've got a problem. I've got a great number for you. They don't always have it though 33 is rare and rare rare rare but the thing is i'm very tall and so if you get a 34 they're made for wider

and i'm not so wide i'm more tall so you get 34s they look real wide on you like um like hippo legs you know yeah sure yeah yeah. Jason knows all about it. Look, hippos have those strong legs like I do. See, and if I were Andy, I would not... I would now have 20 pairs of unwearable shorts. Because you wouldn't have even taken them back.

I would not have returned them. No, did you return them? Yeah, he returned both pairs. Both sets. I'm with you, Mike. It never would have happened. Like, I would have had to. I would be opening up a new short business. I'd be on the treadmill. Begging and pleading with my wife to take them back for me because I'm too embarrassed. And then maybe we would get those returned. Oh, yeah, you're afraid of confrontation.

See, I would think because you're tall, you would rather err on the side of larger because otherwise you're going to have little short shorts well it's a difficult situation because larger you just look like you're like you're in a bag so you got to do it like you're wearing your dad's shorts yeah i don't want to look like i'm wearing my dad's shorts just put on weight error and then and then when you get the larger size they just fit they just They just fit. The point of this story is I don't have any shorts. Would you rather have them all be belly shirts? Belly shirts would be rough. Well, we got to go to Jason because he said the answer is easy, and I don't think it's very easy.

I think it is super easy because one of these things I would rock. I would rock them. And the other, not so much. See, Dre, our trainer, we have a trainer andy and i and he does this thing much to your surprise yeah breaking news um yes i that's right i do have a trainer um that i call every tuesday thursday and friday to cancel um and the thing is is is much to our displeasure he he does full body. And by full body, I mean legs, legs, legs, legs, legs, legs, legs, legs, legs, and then

arm day. Yeah. That's why I don't fit in them 32s. It's not the ice cream. It's the muscles. I've got a badonkadonk that I am proud of. And if you want to put me in some booty shorts, I'm going to rock those things so well. What defines a booty short?

It's not just small. No, no. The leg is cut so that it's right on your butt cheek. If Jason were to say he has to go top shelf to grab an item, you're getting a sneak peek of the cheek. But you're going to like it.

No, you are not. Well, look. I'm telling you, we're going to have to try this out in here. I agree to disagree. You're going to like it. No, you are not. Well, look, I'm telling you, we're going to have to try this out in here. I agree to disagree. You're going to like it a lot more than my belly shirt. Okay, because. Yeah. Would I? Well, I mean.

Okay, I'm going to ponder on this for a little bit. Option three. Moo moo. I feel like, look, most of my weight goes to my belly. I don't understand how. What about this donk you got? Well, that's pure muscle. Okay.

So I guess when I say weight, sure. My donk has a hefty LB number. But yeah, no, my belly is just this giant albatross that I don't want the world to see. So I'm taking the booty shorts. I'm rocking them, too. I'm proudly out there strutting my stuff. It's a flock of albatross. All right, want the world to see. So I'm taking the booty shorts. I'm rocking them, too. I'm proudly out there strutting my stuff. Okay, it's a flock of albatross. All right, Mike, which way are you going?

I'll take the belly shirts, the self-conscious nature of the other one. Belly shirts would just mean my posture will improve immensely. Because if my belly's hanging out at all times, I'm going to be sitting straight up. Sucking it in. Sucking it in. But if you're up, the shirt goes higher. Your posture is going to have to be way worse. I don't care if the shirt goes higher as long as the flaps

don't come flopping over. See, I'm with Jason that I think the belly shirt is the worst. Because you live in this fake world where you think if I adjust this shirt just right it's actually going to cover my stomach and it doesn't your stomach just keeps coming out for a peekaboo so look

you're looking at my butt cheeks i guess you'd rather have a peek of the cheek than a peek yeah all right matt says would you rather be given fifty thousand000 straight into your bank account or $500,000 in pennies. Wow. But you can never convert the pennies. You get a half. But I get to spend them. You get to spend them. Okay.

This is half a million dollars in pennies. So I don't know if you filled up your swimming pool or how you could possibly have that many, but this is my penny room. Welcome in. Don't open the door door it's dedicated to pennies but i mean jason could never take the pennies there's no way if jason can't return a pair of shorts that don't fit there's no way he's paying for something in pennies rolling up with a wheelbarrow yeah big old sacks of pennies if you gave me my groceries if you gave me half a million dollars and said, you have to spend this on items. That's 50 million pennies, right?

Is that math correct? I'm pretty sure that's 50 million pennies. Checks out. He has no idea. He has no idea. He just went beep, beep, boop. Move the decimal. Yeah.

Haven't you read Jules Verne? But if someone gave me half a million dollars and said, okay, here's half a million dollars. You have to go spend it this week on items for yourself or whatever. The first thing, like I would probably go get a nice car. You know, get some Tesla. How in the world could you ever do that with pennies? Would they even accept 50? Let's say it's a $50,000 car.

Would they accept 50,000? No, they would not. Would the dump truck company accept in pennies my rental for the dump truck that I would have to use? Yeah, because that's 5 million pennies, right? Yeah, that's 5 million. Math checks out. So here's 5 million pennies, right? Yeah, that's 5 million. Math checks out. So here's 5 million pennies. They can go convert it.

I think you could convince somebody for sure to do it. Somebody. Oh, Papa Josh. But it says you can't ever convert the pennies. I can't. You have to spend them. No, you don't convert them. But if I had to go to a dealership and say, listen, I can pay cash right now.

I will offer you cash for that car. $50,000 in cash. They have to say yes. Hold on. It's not technically cash. Will a car place actually accept cash? Yes. Yeah.

You 100% sure on that? I am. Oh, like instead of a check or something? Yeah, they're like cashier check only. Here's what I know about car places. They really like selling cars, and they will do just about anything that they can do to sell a car. I don't know. I can't say for sure that they will take a briefcase.

You've never tried? We have trainers. You know for sure that the bank would. Yes, the bank would. You could take it to a bank and buy a cashier's check, essentially. That's converting it. Oh, loophole. Yeah, that's converting.

That's a conversion. I don't think it's Yeah, that's converting. That's a conversion. I don't think it's converting if it's for the product you're getting. You know, you go, you make a deal at the Tesla and they say, okay, I need a money order for $48,222.

You got to go direct to the business. Is there 10 times the hassle to have those pennies? There's a hundred times the hassle. Because there's 10 times the money. But is there 10 times the... There's way more than ten times the hassle. I've just been reminded of a story.

Oh, dear. Back in my day, I was a change-collecting man. And, like, okay. Like, for example... Did you have one of those... Metal detectors? The metal detectors for the beach? No, not that.

But just, like, my grandparents, they were living with us at the time. And every Sunday, they knew. They knew Mike's coming through. What change you got? And I'm just going to collect all this change. And over time from that, doing the old, hey, dad, I'm going to go buy a soda. And he'd give me a dollar. And I'd be like, don't worry about this extra 50 cents because it's mine now.

Because you collect the change. So I saved up the change, and there was this new hit game for PlayStation called Syphon Filter. Okay. I had rolls of coins. So I went to the Best Buy to buy. Oh, did you try to buy them with coin? I bought with the roll of coins.

But here was the rule. I had to then go through and write my name and address on every single roll of coins. What? That's how they accepted the currency. If it didn't add up. They were coming to get your coins. That's better than them counting each roll. But if it didn't add up.

You know how much the roll should fit. And you look at the roll and you go, okay, maybe you shorted it two coins. At the end, they're like, I'm going after this kid at 22 West Jump Street. But I was a kid, so I totally believed it. I'm like, oh, no. I better make sure this is correct. But I'm saying it's such a waste of time on their part like yes if they get shorted they're never coming after the buck 50 that you really swindled them out of my kids won't even accept like i hate change i rarely have

no they won't even accept it i'm serious the other day i was like i was like, I had some cash, sold something on Craigslist, right? That's when I have cash, when I sell something on Craigslist. Went and bought something. Didn't want the change in my pocket. Offered. Threw it out the window as he drove. Hold on. You sold something on Craigslist that involved cents?

No, no, no, no, no. I got the cash. Then I went and bought something with the cash. Got some change back. What kind of cheapskate? No. That'll be $198. 198 yeah i charged tax on texas and my kids turn it down they're like i'm like i don't want this change you want it they're like they're like no no thank you do they have trainers as well yeah i know i know i just they turned down the they hear my story? I was the change collector.

Now they will change their minds. All right. John said, would you rather have to wipe with old receipts? Oh, come on, John. Ew. Also, I'm taking the $50,000. This is very distasteful. Would you rather have to wipe with old receipts for the rest of your life, maybe a receipt for siphon filter, or have everything you eat taste like it's a week past expiration.

So it won't make you sick, but it will just taste rotten. Oh, this is easy again. I mean, these are home runs. Right. Because I feel like if everything in the world tasted bad, but it wasn't going to make me sick, it wasn't actually rotten, it just, nothing tastes good,

do you know the kind of shape I'd be in? Like, I would... The same exact shape you are in right now. No way. Impossible. Right now. No way. It'd become the new normal.

But the thing is, see, I eat because I love it. Wait, wait, wait. How is eating food that tastes rotten going to make you in shape? Because I'm not going to eat so much. Okay, I'm going to give you a bag of Oreos. This bag of Oreos tastes like they're a week past they're fresh. You're not scarfing that whole bag of Oreos.

Oh, no, I'm scarfing that whole bag of Oreos. That's right. Man, I thought all food would taste horrible. That's what I thought it would just all food would taste horrible how that's what i need i need all food to taste horrible but like but that will be the new normal but if that was the normal just pick the least horrible thing to gorge on i don't think i would i don't think i would gorge on nasty food but what happens when you get hungry i would eat a portion to sustain life the biggest problem is you getting hungry. It's not the food tasting bad.

But see, like a week expired Oreos, those are still delicious. Yes. Correct. Which is why this is not. I got questions about the receipts. Because there are. Okay. There's a wide variety of materials when it comes to receipts.

I've gotten ones where you're like, holy, what kind of cardstock is this thing on? It's glossy. There's going to be little absorbency from this receipt. But there ain't no two-ply receipts. And then I've gotten some where you're like, yeah, this could get the job done. Impossible. Impossible. Look, I'm going to say this right now.

In our studio, shame on someone. Shame on someone here. I was so upset. I don't know if it's Borland, if it's Brooks. We have non-Sharman Ultra Soft right now in this studio, purchased and on the shelves. I put it on the wall. What do we have? It's like, I don't know, quilted northern.

I noticed something. Something. I noticed something. Something. I noticed something uncomfortable. Yeah, it's my butthole. Down between the wickets. It's very uncomfortable right now. Down between the wickets. But my point is this.

That company makes a product. They spend their entire company making a product for the sole purpose of post-wipe. Yeah. Or wipe. It's pre-wipe. Pre-wipe life. Right?

And they... This is the post-wipe. And they suck at it. It's not good enough. There's only one that's good enough. Charmin Ultrasound. Didn't we just talk about... I think so.

This was on a footcast. You weren't here. No, I wasn't here. But I talked specifically about the fact... It's Charmin Ultra Soft or nothing else on this earth. No. I wanted to trust the Ultra Strong. And he brought up that I bring Charmin Ultra Soft on my trips with me.

When I go... Because you can't risk it. No. What if they have receipts on the roller at the hotel? I've been at hotels that might as well have upgraded to receipts. It's such a dumb way to save money. You know who doesn't spend money

at your restaurant hotel? A bunch of people who are limping around with sore buttholes. Those people aren't in the mood to spend money. You get a bunch of comfortable buttholes, you get a bunch of people buying things. I'll be back for more of your food. That's an excellent point. I'll be back for more of your food. That's an excellent point. I'll be back for more of your food.

It came out so comfortably. I will take the extra spicy. Thank you. All right. I guess we didn't answer that one. Give me that old food, my man. I'm taking the receipts. What?

You have to. Yeah, I'm going to take the receipts. You have to. It'll callous over. It'll callous over. I'm going to take the receipts. You have to. It'll callous over. It'll callous over.

The Situation Realm. Once again, have not read any of these before the show, so this will be fun. Benny. Benny is putting us in a situation here. Benny says, Andy, Mike, and Jason get invited to a fancy event. Oh, it's already a situation. Yeah. It's already a situation.

For me. While there, Andy gets mistaken situation. Yeah, it's already a situation. For me. While there, Andy gets mistaken for someone very important. I can see that. You three end up... Did you guys know I had a trainer? You three end up on a boat to a private island. People start to suspect Andy isn't

who he says he is. Do you try to convince them that he is or plan an escape? This is the most complicated situation. I guess the inference here is that because I'm very important, I may have a very important role on this private island. You're baby goose. You're baby goose, right?

And we're your entourage. Right. They think that you – is that who your doppelganger is or has it become – That is his doppelganger, but I don't think that you, is that who your doppelganger is? Or is it becoming? That is his doppelganger. But I don't think that's what this is talking about. Because if they're starting to suspect that Andy isn't who he says he is, then something bad is going to happen to Andy.

This isn't they're going to be like, oh, you got us. You three rapscallions. We're sent off to private island. Like if they find out who he is, they're like, get out of here. Oh, we're just trying to keep living the good life. Exactly. Okay. Okay. So now. Well well then why are we trying to plan an escape that's valid that's a real good question mike if this life is too good i gotta get out of here borland do you want to do you want to color in the lines here for us they they think that andy is

is a dictator of some country, and they're treating him with respect, and then they're figuring out that he is not that person. That makes it a little bit more... That ups the ante. Yes. I don't think I understand the situation at all. It's high stakes. If they figure out who you are, you're in

big, big trouble. And we are in trouble because we are by association. So what do you do? Oh, I've got the answer. Me and Jay are out. No, no, no, no, no, no. Outie 5,000.

Now maybe, maybe we're out. Save ourselves for sure. I mean, you know, zombie apocalypse. Sorry, bro. Here's it. Take the indie meat. But the reality is maybe we can get out ahead of this thing, Mike.

Okay. Maybe we can get out ahead of this thing, Mike. Okay. Maybe we can go be the ones to let them know. He's going to out. You're going to turn on me. That's part of the escape plan. For private island life. Oh. You keep us here.

We get to stay? Oh, for sure. In exchange for our information. You two on a private island together forever. In booty shorts. Oh my gosh. Oh yeah. It's going to be a good life.

The actual idea of something with this high of stakes and we have to be actors in this plot where... It's called Survivor.

Where we're trying to survive. I don't know. There's something strangely alluring about being put up to this task where you know you... I have to be this person. And we have to make sure that everyone believes that Andy is this person. I think I can pull off being someone very important. I think you could do it. See, people on Survivor, a lot of times celebrities will go on Survivor,

but they'll be kind of sea level. They'll be super rich. People that have played football and are rich, and they lie about the opposite. They try to be the everyman so that people don't vote them off because they're rich. They try to pretend that they do something. Wait, so on this island where everyone is an equal, off because they're rich. They try to pretend that they do something.

On this island where everyone is an equal and the only thing that you have are your skills, people vote other people off because they're rich somewhere else? That makes sense. The winner gets a million dollars. You don't need the money. I feel like I'm explaining the show

Survivor to Mike. 35 seasons in. Tell me more. You are one of 11 people who watch that show. Oh, stop it. I completely agree. Who watches Survivor? Let's take this a step further.

Who watches CBS? CBS is like every single commercial is number one comedy show, number one drama, number one. And I'm like, is that number one on CBS? Here's the problem. When people put that information out, guys like you and me, we don't fact check. No, no, no, no, no. I just accept it. Here's some news, guys.

Survivor season 38 finale slips to record low of total viewers. Ten. Okay, hold on. We got to do record low of total viewers. Ten. Okay, hold on. We got to do a poll of this room real quick. So Jason and I. I actually haven't watched the last two seasons. Borland, Paul Giamatti. Have you ever watched Survivor?

Ever. I have never seen an episode. One episode. Giamatti says. One season for Brooks? Season one. Season one? Oh, when it was like a national icon.

So in a room of five people. That sounds about right. Yeah. One in five. 1.1. Hey, whatever. In the ratings wars that get stuff off of TV, 38 seasons is a pretty good run for something. I agree.

They still do Big Brother, too, and I've never seen that. That's what I'm saying. Who's watching these shows? I think they do what newspapers do right now. They print a million of these newspapers and they just go and they give them out wherever they can and they burn the rest and they say we've got a million distribution.

They're just turning on TVs everywhere. They go to Best Buys. They have contracts with all Best Buys to turn all channels to CBS. I saw that they were coming out with a new Picard. What? You didn't know that?

No. Oh, someone's subscribing to CBS All Access now. Yeah, I mean, the trailer's already out for it. Wait. Jean-Luc Picard is back, baby. But who's playing? Patrick Stewart. Yes!

What did you think? I didn't know if they were going like a prequel they're going to cast a new guy before he was Picard. You're telling me Jean-Luc Picard, the real one? They announced it a while back. How old is that man? He looks the same. He looks 100% the same.

Right, but he was old back then. Correct, he's ageless. I don't like to commit to a show unless I know that it's going to be on for a few seasons. It's not likely. I don't like to commit to a show unless I know that it's going to be on for a few seasons. It's not likely. It's not likely. No. I don't know how much time he has left, Mike.

It might not last very long. Live forever, Picard. Hey, I'm just telling you. All right, let's move on. Another situation. Cody wants to know if we wake up one morning and we have all switched bodies. Jason is now Mike. Mike is now Andy.

Andy is now Jason. No, I want to be Jason. What do you do next? Of course you do. I want to be Jason because I just eat, eat, eat, eat, eat. Oh, I was going to say, what do you do next? I'll be like, find my short straw. Find what?

I was inferring that I drew the short straw, Jason, to end up with you. Oh. No, you won. end up with you. Oh. No, you won. No, I know. Yeah. Frivolous. Everything you want. Funny.

Booty shorts. Extraordinaire. You're rocking them. You're rocking them. But what do we actually do? Because that's what the Situation Room is about. What would we actually do in that circumstance? You panic.

You've got to figure out what did it, right? Yes. Did we eat something? Did we eat something? Did we expose ourselves to some sort of gamma ray? What happened? Usually you get super strength from the gamma rays. Right. You don't just switch bodies.

Or die. Switch bodies, it's almost always a witch involved. Or a sorcerer. Or a sorcerer. Yes. Jafar was around. And he did this. Or some type of high technology machine.

So if we can't figure out how it happened, we can't reverse it. That's correct. What if we all threw a coin in the same fountain, and that's what happened? That's true. Yeah. Do people do that still? Wasn't it in there where they pee in the fountain? They do the pee-pee in the fountain.

Oh, they're all peeing in the fountain. They cross streams. That's probably what we did. The Ghostbusters. That's probably how it happened. Ghostbusters tell you don't cross the streams. No, because you switch bodies. I remember seeing that.

Man, so I wake up. You now believe. I know for sure the first thing I do. I mean, Mike's kids think you're their dad. Mike's wife thinks you're their wife. If Jason wakes up as me, the first thing he does, he goes rips out 20 pull-ups. He's like, well, this is awesome. I can do a pull-up.

This is incredible. That's the thing. I can do near 50 straight push-ups. No, the first thing that happens is... I can't do two pull-ups. I don't even know if I can do one. The first thing that happens is you would say't do two pull-ups. I don't even know if I can do one. The first thing that happens is you would say to yourself, what did I eat last night?

Because my stomach would be churning from some bad decision he made the day before. Yeah. And you would try to eat like yourself in his body. That would not work out. And his body is not compatible. I would destroy your body. I would wreck your body in in record speed you'd be hitting his head on everything but but but genuinely i would take this mike but you're

the one who feels the pain before well speaking of feeling before we switch before we switch back before we switch back i'm going to get some tattoos. 100%. Oh, because you're me? Oh, and then when you switch back, Mike's got some extra tattoos that aren't so good. It's not just for that. It's for like, you just want to do the experience. If I had tattoos, I would get tattoos. I literally had this conversation with my wife two days ago.

She was like, would you ever get a tattoo? I was like, I don't think so, because I would get like a sleeve. Like, I think sleeves look awesome. I think a floating tattoo on your arm that's like, it's a dove or something cool. You got to go big. I don't think like one little floating tattoo on your body looks right. Has anybody ever done tattoos that are actual, tattoos that look like the sleeves of a shirt? I'm sure they have.

Yeah. And then was like, hey, check this out. I'm ironic. I always have my collared shirt on. A turtleneck. A turtleneck tattoo. No matter what you wear, you've got a turtleneck on. It's never too late, J-Mike.

So I'm getting tattoos. I'll just help you out. I'll make a bunch of appointments on your behalf once I'm... Oh, that would be awesome. I need Andy in my body for a little bit. He would take care of business. You'd go to the dentist. I would...

I mean, all the doctors. Yeah, all the taxes are done. You could get blood work done. I just can't do that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you to... just can't do that. Thank you. Thank you to Spencer. Cody wrote that.

Cody, you picked quite well. All right, one more before a draft. Spencer says you were spending your evening doing a little shopping in your favorite toy store. Okay. RIP. Not likely, by the way. Toys R Us. RIP.

KB. Suddenly the lights go out. You are locked in and the toys start coming alive you are stuck in the store through the night what do you do is this toy story yeah wait hold on are we assuming the toys are mean no well not necessarily let's assume that what dangers exist because in modern day toys like we're not talking about, you know, you've got a lot of technology that comes alive. You got drones just flying themselves all over the place. Ooh, yeah.

You've got a variety of high powered nerf darts. Flying all over. I think the real problem here is that they still do make, like if you go into a full toy store, which Toys R Us doesn't exist, but you into a full toy store which toys r us doesn't exist but you know full toy stores still are out there there are there's going to be an aisle that has a few clowns on it that's true and that's where the evil comes in because there's no way do you have a clown phobia i don't have a clown phobia but i have a serious clown just came alive phobia. I have a respect. No, but if the clown comes alive, phobia is full force.

You get a phobia. I think that there's literally no one who would not instantly have a phobia if clowns came alive. The stuffed animal area becomes terrifying. Yeah, when they're not alive, that's the soft, cuddly, cute, adorable area. When they're all alive, that's the area of death and fear, cute, adorable area. When they're all alive, that's the area of death and fear. Really? Oh, yeah. I feel like.

Because they're animals, man. Yeah, but they got soft. Oh, those big old teddy bears? They have soft bites. So I'm not too worried. Just gnawing on me. Oh, I mean, I would love to wrestle with all those teddy bears. Oh, they'll suffocate you. Throw them around.

Yeah. I'm really tall compared to them. They'd have to really World War Z that. You got little baby Pokemon flying all over the place, casting spells. I'm finding the three coolest toys I can find, and I'm sitting down, and we're having a board game night. I bet you Ben Stiller's there. Ben Stiller's there, for sure. For sure.

So you say a board game night. My wife was saying last night. I love board games. She was like, have you guys done a board game draft? Because if you love board games, that's a good one to put on the list someday. I just feel like I always, when I grew up, I wanted to be in one of those movies. I wanted to be locked in the library after everybody left and getting to have the fun of. Wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Not necessarily the library. The books are alive. Look at them open. No, no, no, no. That was in there somewhere. We're talking about toy stores. Cool place to be trapped in. Guys, I want to be trapped at the library.

So much knowledge everywhere. I could just say a book's name and it'll come to me, man. I'm going to jump on that Apple II with the green monitor. Hey, the library's pretty cool growing up. Oh, man, are you Dewey? Oh, Dewey, come over here, man. Tell me all about your decimal system. Don't you know the Dewey decimal system?

How about we move on? Okay. The Spitballers Draft. It's here. Oh, it's time. Am I the number one pick? I thought Jason was. Who's the number one pick?

I don't know. I think it is me. I think it is me. Yeah, it's Andy. Then why did Jason do the skibbity-scabbing to ruin the beginning of the show? What, you think that whoever's got the first pick skibbity-scabs? I thought so. It's just random, Mike.

No. It's whoever's feeling the energy. Wow. We've only done it like a dozen times. Yeah, but I'm glad you know that now. The draft is the best ice cream flavors, which... This is why you have the number one pick, because you're Mr. Ice Cream. Cookies and Cream, number one.

Oh, we're just... Done not we're on the clock we're in the draft and at the end of the day i want to encapsulate the oreo cookies and cream all the cookies and cream flavors you want look people have a wide i'll set the table here you've got people who like smooth ice creams, okay? Single flavor smooth. Yes. You've got people that like as thick as it gets, right? You've got the Rocky Roads out there. You've got stuff that's 10 times the Rocky Roads. You might as well just be just chewing on pure candy with a little bit of cream inside

of it. And you've got everything in between, cookies and cream, absolutely the number one pick. And I don't get a pick two in a row here. So, I mean, it's a while until it comes back to me. I have to go with my gut here. And I think cookies and cream is the right answer. I am way out of my element here. I know.

But you know that there are many flavors. I'm aware of many flavors. And over 31 of them. There's only 31 at a time in the world, though. Correct. That is part of the governing bodies of ice cream. I mean, I'm glad I get the one flavor of ice cream that I actually really like. I cannot wait for you to pick it.

Oh, please do it. Oh, you know I'm taking it, Jay. Whatever crazy, hip, cool flavors you want, you're going to have them, because I will take chocolate ice cream. Chocolate? Yes! Ice cream is doo-doo. Now, you are... That's a weird thing to say. How long have you been a chocolate-only

guy? Like, if you go to, um, I don't know, like a Culver's, do you get plain chocolate? I get chocolate with Oreos. Oh, so like cookies and cream. But it's chocolate, so it's infinitely better. It oh so like cookies and cream but it's chocolate so it's infinitely better yeah it's more like cookies and chocolate yes i get you i get you so you're but if you had to pick one flavor yes okay the problem with this draft is i'll come up with other flavors but if you

if there's a situation room and it's like you Mike can do this and have... He only gets to eat one flavor of ice cream the rest of his life. That ain't no thing. No sweat off of my back. I will eat chocolate ice cream forever. This is one of the things that's so interesting about Mike, though. It's like he is true to himself. Yes. Which, in many things, is very contrarian.

Yeah, it's terrible. But in other things like this... Oh, I am basic. By the way, Mike also, if we did a donut flavor draft... Oh, not's terrible. But in other things like this... Oh, I am basic. By the way, Mike, also, if we did a donut flavor draft... Oh, not a problem. He would take glazed donuts. Yeah, forever. And then I'm like, wait, can I bow out of the draft?

Is this a... Can I take just chocolate and leave? Is your family, like, when you grew up, were they just like, did they like what they liked and they just... Did they buy glazed donuts and chocolate ice cream and that's because so you weren't exposed to the world of other flavors no we definitely were not a donut family we are a i'm sorry i have been woken up at 5 30 in the morning by the soundtrack of old disco music and my dad clanking away on the nordic track

that's the family i lived in and i went up to get some uh some sweet cereals and i had rice krispies and i had a rice checks so yes it's not my fault all right jason you got two picks i feel like before mike screws up his next pick i i'm glad you shared that with us i did not you know not everybody has a as poor of a childhood as that. So your dad didn't have a trainer. I'm with you. My dad was his own trainer. Al Borland,

do you like chocolate ice cream? I do. It's not my favorite, but I like it. Is it not your favorite because it's gross? Yeah. Oh, wait.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't oversell it. That's a bad take. That's a bad take. Chocolate ice cream's great. No ice cream or chocolate ice cream. You choose chocolate ice cream is great. Like, no ice cream or chocolate ice cream. You choose chocolate ice cream. I would probably choose no ice cream.

Whoa! But here's the thing. I'm not as ice cream crazy. Like, I am the food guy, right? Food drafts, I dominate. I'm out of my element here. Mostly because I'm looking up at the mountain of ice cream knowledge and eating. Andy is made of ice cream.

Andy is the Golden State Warriors of ice cream. Yes, 100%. It's just Steph Curry. Michael Phelps. I want to put that on my Twitter bio right now. I am the Golden State Warriors of ice cream. Yes. And it really is true.

That's the greatest thing you've ever said to me. But I'm not a fan of. Gay respect gay, man. I'm not a huge fan of chocolate ice cream. It's not like it's bad. That is bad take to say. It's not like it's bad. That is bad take to say. Correct. Oh, it's great.

Because it's still sugar. It's great. Sugar and cream. It's ice cream. It just might not be my favorite. But compared to literally a thousand other flavors, it's subpar. All right. So I'm on the clock.

I got two in a row here. I know one for sure because it should have been the number one. It's chocolate chip cookie dough. It's basically what you think you took when you took cookies. No, incorrect. But I know what it is, Jason. But chocolate chip cookie dough is like cookies and cream upgraded. It's like cookies and cream with big soft chunks in it.

And I feel like when I like ice cream, it's Cold Stone. It's going there and getting a brownie and some Reese's Pieces mixed in and chunks. Would you mind if I told you why you're wrong? Yeah. No, go ahead. Yes, I would. Here's what. Look, it probably would have been one of my next picks.

You made a wonderful choice. Delicious. Wonderful. I hear people like it. If you gave me 10 different brands of cookies and cream and 10 different brands of cookie dough,

I'd be much happier with the 10 different brands. The consistency factor across brands is a problem. Yeah, because there's no problem to make cookies and cream. It's so easy and basic. I hear you. I hear you loud and clear. And let's just say that whatever we draft is the best version of that, right? Like, you don't get bad cookies and cream.

I don't get bad chocolate chip cookie dough. Look, there's a risk factor. That's all I'm saying. Move on. All right. You also got salmonella. Go on. So this one, look, I'm going the complete opposite.

I'm going as basic as it gets. I know I'm stealing probably your childhood. Yeah. But if I am out and I have to have a one single flavor, probably the most common thing because I get it in an ice cream cone. All right. It's like, do you want chocolate or vanilla or swirl? Get that chocolate out of my life.

I love it. He's making fun of my chocolate pick. I know. He's circling all the way back to being afraid of not getting votes, so he's taking vanilla. No, vanilla's not a vote-getter. Vanilla. Are you taking vanilla?

Yeah, I'm taking vanilla. Okay. But do you think vanilla, I'm going vanilla for votes? I was going to be very happy to start this draft that I know I can't win with chocolate and vanilla. Okay. That would have been incredible. That would have been really funny. That would have been great.

I'm glad that I stopped you, but I want a ruling on this from Borland. Do you think I take vanilla ice cream for votes? No, it's very vanilla. Yes, exactly. And I'm thankful you both took the basics because that lets me take two delicious flavors. Now, other drafts, we waver. We don't know what we're going to draft. I'm not even making a list.

I'm not even looking it up. This is my home. I live here. My next two picks, mint chocolate chip. That's really weird because it's not your turn. Oh, you've got to do it, Mike. You've got to do it. I will take mint chocolate chip yes oh fantastic it's the best pick that has ever been made on a spitballers podcast mike you have ruined andy by taking his he was so excited mint chocolate chip it's one of

the most famous most popular ice cream flavors he's so excited to get it. I made a mistake, Jason. I cut him off too soon. I needed to let the whole entire monologue go. I had a chance there, but I mean, I still You still got him. You still got him good. And let me just say this to all the

spitwads out there. There are maybe you're playing in a fantasy football league or whatever and someone makes their pick too early never feel guilt for coming in and taking the guy they said they were going to take don't you dare let them steal a pick early you just come in and you say that's my guy i am so happy oh the best the best part of that andy for you just so you're aware there was there was a a 0.0 percent chance that i would have taken that had you not been a buffoon i was so jumped jumped your turn he's too ice cream excited man i cannot believe that just happened to me

jacked up for ice cream i want to die i can't believe that just i to me. Jacked up for ice cream. I want to die. I can't believe that just... I was so excited. I don't know why I thought I was picking. And now I'm screwed. All right, I'm taking Rocky Road with my second pick. I don't even know what's in Rocky Road. Here's my knowledge of it. It's chocolate ice cream.

I like that part. You throw some marshmallows in it? Yep. Marshmallows. And then I would guess like some nuts? Almonds. I got it right. You throw some marshmallows in it? Yep. Marshmallows. And then I would guess some nuts? Almonds. I got it right. Chocolate.

Yeah. It sounded okay until the almond part. No, almonds are great. Rocky Road is great. I feel like frozen marshmallows is a problem. They don't actually get hard. They don't? No.

I've had Rocky Road ice cream. It's soft marshmallows. Yeah, they're soft marshmallows. So kudos on that. I can't believe we just have it. How many drafts? This is 51 shows. Has anybody drafted out of order before?

Nope. Borland? Congrats. Thanks. Kill me. All right. Wow. Clay Thompson just threw up a brick.

Look. You must have had 73 wins You said game respects game And you straight up destroyed me So Now I'm tilting a little bit Because I had my two lined up In your ice cream draft you're tilting No because I had those two

I don't even have a list I'm so prepared for ice cream From my heart. Which has been destroyed by Mike. Yes. Yes. I'm going brownie batter. Okay.

Brownie batter. Wait, that's an ice cream flavor? Brownie chunks, brownie batter, ice cream. Yes. Okay, brownie batter. That's an ice cream I've never heard of. But you are the ice cream master. I'm so heartbroken right now.

He is. Mike, so I've got cookies and cream, rocky road, and brownie. All right. Ask him what else he wants, Mike. Andy, what are your other favorite ice cream flavors? Mike, I'm not telling you anymore. All right. I'm not going to lock your secrets. I don't know if not telling you anymore. All right. Don't lock your secrets.

I don't know if you know any others. I do. I know a couple other flavors because I used to eat this one all the time as a child. I believe that the popularity of this flavor has since waned because you don't see it anywhere, but I still like it. It was still very good. I will take orange sherbert. I was wondering if you'd go with Sherbert.

Orange Sherbert. Kids, I'm telling you, there's a genetic thing. Orange Sherbert is great. It is great. It is good, but there's something weird where kids love it more than adults. You would think it would translate, but as a kid, my kids will choose Sherbert over ice cream all the time. Do you remember the- I would never do that. I would settle for sherbet now.

The push pops? Oh, like the little Ninja Turtle ones? Oh, right! Flintstones! But those were better because they weren't just... Those had to have a bunch of cancer in them. They also had... This is where I kind of go away from the orange sherbet, which is great, but orange

sherbet's great when it's mixed with the vanilla. So it's like the orange cream. Orange dream. Yeah. The dream cycle. I take dreams. All right. I've got two picks here now.

Who knows? Let's see. You have one pick, Jason. So right now I have vanilla and cookie dough, which kudos to me. I've made great picks. I'm going to take. So look, you talked about having the combo of chocolate and vanilla. It's great.

One of my genuinely favorite ice cream flavors, if we're going basic, I love strawberry ice cream. But it's got to be the smooth kind. I don't like the... Well, you don't like chunks. I don't like chunks of strawberry. Well, that's what strawberry ice cream is. No, it's not. I've had... There's very few strawberry ice creams out there that don't have chunks. If I go to Cold Stone and I get strawberry ice cream, there's no chunks in there.

If I go to Baskin Robbins and I get strawberry ice cream, there's no chunks. Yes, there is. No. Yes, there is. Nah, dog. In my head, it is not get strawberry ice cream, there's no chunks. Yes, there is. No. Yes, there is. Nah, dog. In my head, there is not. In my head, there is no chunks of actual strawberries. Yes. It's completely fake strawberry flavor.

100%. There's no chunks of banana in banana ice cream. If you were to, I don't know, Google strawberry ice cream, you would not find a picture apart from what comes inside of it, which is strawberry. Strawberry ice cream. I am drafting strawberry ice cream because I've eaten it plenty of times in my life this is not like uh which i've never had strawberry baskin robbins has chunks in you've been proven completely and utterly wrong yeah i'm so it's okay to like the chunks just take the ice cream i'll eat around

them i'm seeing a lot of chunky strawberry ice cream here, Jay. I was on your team and the Google machine said you're wrong. Well, those chunks can go to the garbage can. I will put them in my mouth and spit them out. It does appear that Cold Stone does not have chunks in it. There you go. So you have fake strawberry ice cream. Is that what you said? I have fake

strawberry ice cream. It is delicious. It is wonderful. What's your last pick? For my final pick, I'm kind of debating between a couple here. I'm going to go. Man, this is tough. There's a couple. So let me ask. Let me ask here.

Because I'm pulling up lists. I'm seeing different things. And I know what speaks to me. But would this be considered a flavor? Because this is here in my life. Apparently brownie batter is a flavor. Right. But peanut butter cup.

Yeah. Peanut butter cup ice cream. Sure. It's fine. Oh, 100%. I think that's a Ben and Jerry's one, right? I have never in my life been to Cold Stone and gotten ice cream that did not include peanut butter cups.

Because why would you ever downgrade ice cream without having peanut butter cups in there? Peanut butter cup ice cream is delicious. You made a good choice. I just realized, we come in, Andy's got the first pick. Not only does he have the first pick, he's got the ice cream knowledge. And I just realized, I wiped the floor with him. I mean, the food drafts, they stay. Well, I did give one of my picks to Mike, and I haven't made my last pick.

That is true. That is true. But it's nice to see you have vanilla and strawberry in there. That's cool. Mike? Do you got any tips for me? Do you got any tips? Mike's out.

Mike, you can go extra chocolate. You can say, happy birthday to you. No, that was what I was deciding. Are you literally, now you're helping Mike too? Yes. I feel like this is a David Goliath situation. This is not everyone against me. This is good.

Like if we were having a tattoo draft, I'd be on your side against Mike because I don't know if, I'll take the butterfly on the back. So in this hypothetical world, Mike's tattoos are equivalent to my love of ice cream. Yes. Ice cream and my passion for it is my tattoos. I wear my tattoos. I wear my ice cream. You wear your ice cream. Yes, I do.

That's my belly shirts. I wouldn't show you that. Mike, you've got one pick left. You can randomize it if you'd like. There's two flavors that I know that I've eaten. Okay. If you'd like. There's two flavors that I know that I've eaten.

Okay. Step one, have tasted this before. The problem with one of the ice creams is it's the perfect base. When you go to Cold Stone and then you put other stuff in it. But as a standalone ice cream, it's probably- Oh, I know where you're going to go with that. It's probably not very good. Sweet cream, huh? Exactly.

No, you can take sweet cream. It's great. All right, whatever. I'll take sweet cream. I don't really care. Yeah, that's fine. I was going to point out one thing. There's a flavor that I know your wife is madly in love with from Baskin Robbins.

Yeah, it's a great flavor. I was as well. It was on my list. That's like Mama's Cookies or something. Yeah, Mama's Bacon Cookies. The only other... Something like that. President of the Ice Cream. Yeah, no, no, no, I know. It's a very specific flavor, though. Yeah, Mama's Bacon Cookies. The only other... Something like that. That's the name of the ice cream. Yeah, no, no, no, I know.

It's a very specific flavor, though. It's a tough one to pick. It's in jest when I say I only get chocolate, because if I go to Cold Stone, I get sweet cream, and then I put the peanut butter and the fudge, and that's what we get there. I appreciate that you guys respect my ice cream game.

Yes, you have to. I'm going to kind of prove myself to you after that mistake in the draft because you guys took three picks to take what I'm taking in one pick, which is Neapolitan ice cream. See? That is vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry together

in the same container, which means you get three for one, which means you enjoy them all, which means I got three picks in one even though I gave one away to you. Whenever I'm fine, I'm eating one of those three-in-one ice cream flavors. You look at the gallon, you take the lid off, and it's like two-thirds are always there, and one has been scooped out because people are like, I don't know, I want that strawberry. I was going to say, when there's rainbow sherbert...

So you guys share your ice cream, huh? When I go... Yes. Interesting. In rainbow sherbert, I open it up, I go, oh, there's only like one-third orange Sherbert. So you guys share your ice cream, huh? When I go... Yes. Interesting. In Rainbow Sherbert, I open it up. I go, oh, there's only like one third Orange Sherbert. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, it's cool. I got three of your picks in one. So I'm feeling good. Do you call it Sherbert or Sherbet? Sherbert. Sherbet. Wait, hold on.

Let me just say it naturally. You're walking down the street. Hey, give me some of that Sherbert. Okay. Yeah. I want Orange Sherbert. Sherbert. Yeah, right. Sherbert. I've heard it naturally. You're walking down the street. Hey, give me some of that sherbet. Okay. I want orange sherbet. Sherbet. Sherbet. I've heard it both ways.

It's a weird word. I've heard it both ways. Borland, how do you say it? What's the other way? You drop the R. Sherbet? Yeah, you drop the second R. No, no, no, it's sherbet.

Oh, that sounds so stupid. Look, sherbet? That's why I needed to check what you guys said. Mike has chocolate, mint chocolate chip, orange sherbet, and sweet cream. Is that good? Did I do all right? Jason does. Chocolate chip cookie dough, vanilla, strawberry,

and peanut butter cup. And I have cookies and cream, Rocky Road, brownie batter, Neapolitan. I am sure I will lose again. What did you guys lose? What did you guys win on this show today? What did we win? Andy is so tilting.

He is tilting. What did you guys end the show with? Here's what I learned. I learned that if you gave me a half a million dollars in pennies, you would have given me nothing but a headache. And I don't want it. You'd have it in the room? My garage would be... I wouldn't be able to park my cars at the garage anymore.

You would do the Scrooge McDuck with your pennies and never spend it. And eventually I'd thumbtack, someone please, I'll pay you $150 to come get rid of all these pennies. Mike, what'd you learn on the show today?

I learned that Jason is, in fact, hiding a badonkadonk. Yeah, and I learned that you probably shouldn't draft out of order. I could've told you that. Thanks for tuning in,

subscribing. Remember when I drafted Mitch Chuckles? Thanks for reviewing. What a great pick, Mike. Oh, gosh drafted Mitch Chuckles? What a great pick. Oh, gosh. Hey, we'll see you next time. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballers Podcast. If you want to hear more, if you want access to the full archive, ad-free, go to SpitballersPod.com. You can get all the information it takes to support this show.