Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 52: Andy Rips Off Shark Tank & Remembering Recess - Fun Podcast

Episode Date: June 17, 2019

Have you ever held the door for someone at a restaurant only to have them jump in front of you on the waiting list? Do you know someone who is a ‘one upper’ or constantly telling extravagant lies? Then this episode will improve your life. We also have some fun would you rather questions like: ‘Cheeto Fingers or Kool-Aid Mustache’? And before the bell rings, we get nostalgic with a draft of ‘Best Recess Games’. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!   Connect with the show: Visit us on the web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, spit wads, when you run out of this great show and you're like, I want more shows, you can get access to our entire archive at spitballerspod.com. You can become an official spit wad of our Patreon, have access to everything we've ever made, ad free at spitballerspod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Andy's face did not like it. How did you feel about it, Mike? I gave it a 3 out of 20. I saw it.

Okay. All right. You know, it's fine. Not everyone's a winner. I could have given myself a 3 out of 10, but I did not deserve it. What I love is that you knew it. I was waiting for the thumbs. Like, okay, 3.

Oh, no. Out of. Okay, is this 5? 10? And I say not everyone's a winner, but traditionally, mics are all winners. So this was very disappointing as a whole. Really? Then that just means everyone else is a winner.

Like, we are winners for having heard how bad you just were. No one will ever hear that. I was going to say, unfortunately, this is a podcast, which means that there's no editing. Oh. It's been edited. It's just going to be a video of my mouth moving up and down. Welcome into the Spitballers Podcast, episode 52. Or at least that's what this piece of paper tells me. Is it?

Yes. Yeah. Al, we're good? It's correct. Yep. Okay. Albert. Albert Borland.

Thank you for being here. Andy, Mike, and Jason back again. Twitter, at SpitballersPod. Send in your questions, your would-you-rathers, your great questions, your life advice inquiries, your what-would-you-dos, your situation rooms, whatever you want to hear on the show, send it in. You can find us on the web, SpitballersPod.com, on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube. You can watch it, YouTube.com slash Spitballers.

If you want to learn how not to scat, that would be one way to do it. Today we have a review. Review-a-saurus rags. This one comes in from J.W. Dillman. Five stars leads to bucket list achievement. These buffoons are some of the wittiest and nonsensical deep thinkers around their gems of insight and deduction also get my mind stirring yes so much yes that i had to ask a question that needed their advice and to my surprise they answered it it was for sure a

bucket list achievement that I will always feel proud of. Even though their advice got me nowhere, the effort was much appreciated. Best Comedy Podcast, three thumbs up. Thank you, J.W. Dillman. Wow, thank you. I think that was mostly complimentary.

That's 100% complimentary. I am just in deep contemplation of, by the time this show is done, the pantheon of deep thinkers throughout history. Oh, my gosh. I never thought about it in the historical context. Plato. Socrates, yeah. We'll be in that same group. That's what you're saying?

Well, somebody will assemble the encyclopedia of spit. Sir Isaac Newton. You know, Borland, you pointed out this morning, one of my inventions actually exists. Is that true? One of my show inventions? Yeah, two weeks ago you described a device that sanitizes your phone through the night while charging. And one of our listeners pointed out that that's a real thing.

It was on Shark Tank, and it is called Phone Soap. Yeah. I looked it up. I looked into it. I was pretty excited about that until I noticed it wasn't good enough. Mine was a wireless charger. That one's not a wireless charger. Did you notice that?

I did notice that, yeah. But it also was on Shark Tank in, I think, 2015. Alright, well, whatever. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, hold on. I do watch Shark Tank. This was on Shark Tank? Yeah, and it was funded

by Lori. Yeah, he's seen it. That means that Andy definitely saw it. And he's ripping them off. Oh, just's seen it. That means that Andy definitely saw it. Oh, this is just... And he's ripping him off. Oh, just stealing him. What other invention do you have from Shark Tank, Andy? You ever heard

of the Scrub Daddy? No. The Scrub Papa? Please tell me more. Let me search most famous Shark Tank. This went from a victory lap to an insult

as fast as anything has ever done that. We need to get into the show, Jason. I would love to continue bashing me. has ever done that. We need to get into the show, Jason. I would love to continue bashing me.

That's a great question. I do love that show. Shark Tank is great. It's so good. It's a great source of invention ideas. If you can get out and patent them before they do, oh my gosh. There's got to be somebody out there who's trying, who

watches Shark Tank just to try to get to find the way to patent it before the people that are on there because patents are expensive and there's all sorts of patents they're design patents and there's you know different styles of patents there's somebody out there so there's some patent shark watching the show to to try to a patent troll is a real thing yeah i mean i think they would be like part of the show to try to... A patent troll is a real thing. Yeah. You don't think they would be part of the show? Like one of the producers that sees it well before... Wait a minute.

Oh, all the applicants. Yes. Somebody just reads all the applications. This is a good one. You're not getting on the show. That's right. It's just Mark Cuban. Oh, my gosh.

I think we figured out how he got his money. All right. Blake says he wrote into the show. He has a great question. He says, if you are walking into a restaurant and hold the door open for someone behind you, who gets to put their name down first on the waiting list? Oh, I've been in this situation so many times. We.

I remember a situation where the three of us went to lunch at a Cracker Barrel. Okay, and now- Sounds plausible so far. If you're unfamiliar with Cracker Barrel, one, it's delicious. One, you're not old. Two, it has a huge store in the front. It's got a huge store in the front. Three, it's made for 80 and up, but they allow all ages in.

It's so delicious so we we got there we got there and as we arrived uh there was an elderly gentleman arriving simultaneously and sounds like cracker barrel you right and andy opened the door and let him in it was very kind and so now we were stuck behind this guy and there's this whole store to walk before you get to the line. But we're like behind him. And he's very slowly getting up there. Then he puts in his first. He was just solo.

He gets a table. And for some reason, that was the last table. We were waiting there for like 12 minutes uncharacteristically at lunch do you guys remember this at all i don't remember this but shame on us how did we not send i mean it's it's a maze right it is a labyrinth walking through you're saying we should have passed someone should have taken a uh a left turn at albuquerque and we could have definitely beat this old man to the front i have a couple thoughts here uh number one it's tough because you have to put the onus on that person to respect what's taking place right

they should they should be like oh you opened the door for me but you were still here first you're extra nice you go first which i've traditionally done if that's happened for me i'm like oh you go ahead you were here first of course you do because you're not a monster. Society is full of monsters. And it also makes me think about there are many restaurants in that situation. I think we have an Olive Garden out here that's like this where you've got the double door situation. So you've got two sets. There's that vestibule in between two sets of double doors. And the right arrangement there is that you open the door, they go through, they door you go through and the order is restored do you see what i'm saying yes you

open for them they open for you the order is correct but the reality is if you're opening for someone who would in fact steal your place in line they're not opening that second door for you so you're taking the correct front. They're just going right in. Those people would definitely let themselves into the second door. They'll be the person that's faking the ankle injury to get you to open the door. And then as soon as you open that door, they'll just walk through. Or got to tie their shoe real quick.

I like how Mike says they're just waiting for you to open the second door for them. At which point you know they're a monster. Now, that area. What is that area for? Normally there are cities in the world. Is that a cold weather thing? Yeah, there are other cities that have weather.

It's the actual invention that Andy's air maze was trying to be. It's just a compartment to not let all the air enter out you don't want a bunch of cold air rushing in and disrupting the quilts and things for sale inside of the cracker barrel i see now i will add a caveat to this as we answer the question sometimes it's not a one-to-one situation sometimes it's you like it's been me and my wife it's not a one-to-one situation sometimes it's you like it's been me and my wife and we open the door for like a family of six oh and then if they don't let you go you are in trouble well it's wrong in that particular as long as this is not a party of six or it's like these are grown no no no no this applies to walk up food places but no i no, I'm saying, is this a family?

Is this... No, I know what you're saying, because you're saying if it's a family of six, they'll get seated at a six table. You're fine, you're a two table. What I'm saying is this happens at the Chipotle, this happens at the Wendy's, so you let that six group in, that's six separate orders in a line in front of you. Yeah. Now that you're talking about the Chipotle,

you're just a horrific human being. It's objectively wrong. You should be locked up. No exaggeration. I was trying to be nice for the person who shows up with their four children. If you're there with just the spouse or you're on your nice, hot Friday night date, then let the family go. We've all been there.

Your children are, are oh my goodness four children in a cracker barrel al borland uh can you get us a list of because i don't know them our local senators and congressmen because this should be illegal it should be like yes i want to open the door for you i want to be respectful but I having this conversation I realized like the next time I get to a restaurant I'm not playing this game because it's not a league restaurants should be having their own employees open the doors for you

to solve this problem and welcome you like a king I will not lie if I am walking towards the doors you guys perhaps have not noticed this but when we go as a group if I see someone else walking towards the doors, maybe you guys perhaps have not noticed this, but when we go as a group, if I see someone else walking towards the door, I will increase my speed. I will increase my speed, too.

I will get to that door first, and I will open the door for you guys, because then it covers it where I look, oh, I'm just a nice guy opening up the door, because our group is still getting in first. Is there any situation, so someone opens the door because our group is still getting in first is there any situation so someone opens the door for you and your family and you go in and it's packed it's there's a waiting list for all who enter would that be like okay i just well he let me go first i'll sneak on the list i'll just get on the He's going to be on the list and let the chips fall. Let the chips fall in order of the list, Jason.

But they fall in my order. Is there any world where you would walk in and feel like, I'm going to accept being first? No, because the lines are so long, you're like, I'm just. I don't want to wait. I feel like, I think in my mind there's shades of i've done you know i know what you do there i 100 what you do is one spouse goes and puts the name on the list the other spouse apologizes and said oh i didn't realize that

she was putting the name it's too late they're like no big deal and then it's too it's too late we can't possibly we could not possibly can't circum list, Mike. It's a one-time thing. They chisel that thing. They chisel. All right. Next question. I think we've exhausted that one. Eric says, I have a coworker with a tendency for telling extravagant and obvious lies about their life experience on a daily basis.

Do I have any obligation to call them on their bluffs, or can I allow this to continue for endless entertainment? Wow. So just extravagant and obvious lies about their life on the reg. I mean, that's... There are lots of people like this. I had a friend like this when I was younger. See, I was going to say, I know kids that are like this.

Yeah. And, well, we weren't kids. I mean, we were definitely in the teenage years. And it was... Exhausting? It was borderline insufferable. Where, I mean, everyone knew. This was not...

No one was fooled by the charade of this character. Did you say charade? I did. Okay. All right. That fits with your socrates. Go on. Look, and we all knew that this person was just a bull-faced liar.

Just a big-time liar. Was it exaggerations? Was it like, you know? It was everything. It was exaggerations. So if they're driving a Mercury Sable, do they tell you they have a Ferrari? I mean, how bad was it? Well, there was someone who brought in...

Are you familiar with the rock group Silver Dust? Is that their name? Does that sound like a... If we're not familiar, we will not be able to confirm that. Silver Dust. I don't know. Whatever. Sounds like it should be a rock name.

You want to start a band, Jason? Seven Dust. Seven Dust. Oh, yeah. Seven Dust. Seven Dust. Oh, yeah. Seven Dust. And they brought in this record and hoping that no one had ever heard of Seven Dust, tried to claim that it was in fact their band. No!

Yes. What? Yes. And stood by this for a very, very long time. And everyone around them knew that it was not them? Yes. That's rough, man. That's the level that we were dealing with

where it's but that's entertaining this was not a joke no this wasn't like uh no seriously no this was a person seeing like testing the water could i possibly get away with it this is the lead singer of seven dust we're talking about i mean turns out it was his band here's here's the thing that people need to realize. Look, with the amount of people that listen to the show, some of you listening are these people. Yeah, stop. Everyone around you knows you're, like, you are not fooling anyone. Now, I have a past with somebody who always has the good idea that you had.

They had it earlier. Oh, yeah. So do tell. So basically, if you're in a big work meeting and somebody comes up with a good idea to move forward. Oh, yeah. I had that same thought. They always say, yeah, I had that same thought. Always.

Always. Every single time. Oh, yeah. i was just thinking that yeah it was it was uh oh yeah i thought about that before now let me make sure they take part they want partial credit for the idea that is not there that is not there this is not me this is not no this is not you excellent but it's a how do you disprove that Right. Other than the fact that this guy's had so many unmentioned ideas. How do you disprove it? The problem is, why have you not brought this up before? Yeah, you were the worst.

They were just about to. You have no idea the coincidence of timing. Well, and the trouble is, is a lot of times it would come in a corrective situation. So they'd be doing work. You would then correct their work and say, oh, you actually need to fix this, this, and this. And they go, oh, yeah, I was thinking about doing that. You should have just done it.

So here, so look, eventually it just became funny. And as long as another person's in on the joke, then you share in it because you share a glance. When they say the line, have you heard my new single? And then you and your friend because you share a glance when they say the line have you heard my new single and then you and your friend they share a glance i mean you just feel like you're in the office then yes you need a camera to look yes 100 that's yeah and that was my camera uh for sure so here's the thing so the question here from Eric is, do I have an obligation to call their bluff, or do I allow this to continue for entertainment? I think we as a society need to call the bluff.

I don't agree. So you think you go along with, oh, really? Can you get me tickets for your next seven-dose performance? Here's why you go along with it. Tickets. Backstage passes, dude. Here's why I go along with it. Here's why. Backstage passes, dude. Here's why I go along with it. And I can't, I don't want to say names, but there's a family member that I have that.

Is my wife. No, it's not my wife. But distant family member. Look, if somebody cares so much about being important and making up an extravagant lie. To me, I feel like they got nothing else to live for. So just give them it. Just give them the lie. Just give them that moment, the know-it-all

that always has an insight about whatever topic you're dealing with. They're jumping in because this is their purpose in life. I feel bad breaking them down to their roots. See, here's the problem, though. I have hope. I have hope that they can get over the need to have lies make them feel special. Because like we already established, as we already established, no one around them believes. No one around you believes.

You're just the butt of a joke that you don't know you're telling. If you can overcome that, you can be what's known as a regular person yeah the problem is that this person truth teller perhaps they don't know one that they're the butt of the joke two they don't then realize that this has it reaches into other parts of their life where now it doesn't matter what this person says i don't believe you because you're now just, you're the liar. Oh, boy, he cried wolf. Exactly.

So I feel like someone does need to sit down and say, look, your stories, I'm not calling you a liar. But I already own that album. They sound very hard to believe. And it makes it very hard for me to believe anything else you say yeah now you got a serious answer see i think if you sit them down and say similar to april fool's day no that's excellent april fool's day is great don't take that away from me likes to be this person one day a year one day a year you give me that no i think you sit them down and you say, look, I love your stories, but we all know

that they're made up. Everyone. Yes. Everyone knows they're made up. So be mindful of the fact we're laughing at you. Exactly. But you can change. See, Mike, April Fool's Day is the proverbial purge for these moments.

If you would embrace April Fool's Day as the one day a year these people could get it out of their system, the world would be a better place. This is your fault. That's what I'm saying. Exactly right. Would you rather. Did you just stop my rebuttal with the drop? You're darn right I did.

That's an abuse of sound drop powers. The best part of having control over the hosting thing is that I can make a point and move on. It's just, it really itches my own personal problems of control. You are a dummy. I'm sorry, Mike. We're moving on. Would you rather, Luis has a question. He says, would you rather always be stuck in the slowest moving line no matter what you do

or always be the reason why the line got so backed up for everyone else this is a jason more special it is it is because it's very confrontational well so the first point of clarity this means that it's not slowed down for me right right? Like, I slowed it down for other people, but if I'm the person... Oh, as the one in the line? Right. Yes. I'm okay, because I didn't have to wait in the line. It's a regular line.

I just created the line. Yes. This is also called having children and ordering in a line, because if I go to a walk-up restaurant, like a Panera Bread, okay, you have to make your decisions on the fly in that line, and if you walk in, it just takes way too much time. I got three kids. They change their opinion every two seconds, and then the line builds up behind you,

and you are feeling the pressure of getting the order in and just get whatever, man. See, I feel like... They'll all have hot dogs. Let's say you're in a drive-thru. At Panera Bread. We've all been there. Whatever.

You go through a Jack in the Box. You order two tacos. I got nothing. I got the smallest order ever. You get to the window, and the minutes start going by. And the line starts getting big behind you. And you're like, I didn't do this. This isn't...

I didn't order... Wait till you... You feel that? Oh, I feel the heck out of that. And I'm like, I hope they're looking when I get my bag. You think about that? They're going to see. I just got a tiny little bag.

This is not my fault. Is that better? Hold on. I want them to know I didn't come through and order $150. You can order whatever you want. It's the drive-thru. No, because when I'm in the drive-thru and I'm backed up for like 10 minutes, I'm staring at it. I can't wait to see how many bags they got.

Because they should have gone in and then they get one bag and two bags and three bags. They should have never came here. This is my Taco Bell. You get out of this line. So I'm angry in both situations here. Are you looking at it as the like 15 items or less line at the supermarket? I was just going to say that. It's called fast food.

Not catering your party food. Fast food. I want to get in and out of my line. It's not the catering drive-thru line. Yes. Catering comes to you. So wait, if you have a big order, you should go in? No, you should order and

they deliver every everybody delivers now postmates or uber wow i had no idea there were people like you in these lines before or after me thinking about what bags i'm getting are you kidding me no you are definitely not i have done the i've done the stare ahead at why is this car taking so long and then seeing the multiple bags. But I don't know what's worse is if they're sitting there forever and a tiny little bag comes out or if a bunch of big bags come out. I guess this is really just insightful towards my anger because I need someone to blame. And so I'm either going to blame the restaurant or that vehicle. Right. And you'd rather blame the vehicle person.

I think I would rather blame the vehicle person. The anonymous vehicle person. Because if it's not, let's say they get a small bag. Well, how long am I going to be waiting there? Now then it's the restaurant's fault. It's the same restaurant that I've got to do it. So if it's a small bag restaurant, big bag, your fault. Exactly.

If you're in a grocery store, do you wave in front of you, the guy with like two things, if you've got the full cart? Always. Yeah, I do that. 100% always. You can't do that in the drive-thru line. Like, pull up on the curb. You go ahead.

You go ahead. Well, that's, but they do that now at like some places. When you get a big order, I need you to pull ahead to spot two or whatever. The funny thing about the pull ahead, which I've experienced as a fast food connoisseur, it's almost always related to the grilled chicken. Yes. If you order the actual healthy, whatever, air quotes, healthy item. Excuse me, sir.

I'm going to need you to pull ahead we gotta go make that from scratch we don't keep that one on hand people don't get that one you dummy here's the thing I am just profoundly impatient I think I'd rather have the blame and the quick food than I would be in that slow line

every single time because then I would just be creating scenarios in which I hurt the people in front of me of the line or like how do I get to the front like I don't want to be waiting forever I'd rather take the blame would you ever get used to it Jason do you think you'd build a callus up or would you feel the shame and pain every time I mean I don't know if stress calluses are a thing because think about people that deal with stress the more stress they get does not then teach them how okay stress is right

and this is really a stress versus anger question do i want the stress of feeling the pressure from everybody behind me or do i want the anger of hating the humans in front of me i don't like either i'm not proud to admit that you know this is inside but i think i'm going to take the stress because at the very least i get minutes back on my life i'm out of there you suckers are waiting i have already read this next question and it made me smile james says would you rather have permanent cheeto fingers or a permanent Kool-Aid mustache? I guess you had not seen that. No, I had not seen that.

I'm just picturing, like, the Kool-Aid mustache on the kid is so adorable, but yet, like, puts that kid in a category of ridicule instantly. But the grown-up with the Kool-Aid mustache is a little worse. That's just ridiculous. But it's practically speaking so much better. Than the Cheeto fingers, which are so impractical. Now you've got a Cheeto laptop. Now you've got a Cheeto couch. Now you've got Cheeto controllers on your video game.

But you can hide them. You can put them in your pocket. You can't put that Kool-Aid mustache away. How do you get taken seriously? Yeah, I'd like to apply for a home loan today. Okay, Mr. Kool-Aid. Every show we do. You're going to make your bills?

No. Why so serious? Yeah. Every show we do, we've got all this analysis we've put together for our fantasy footballer show and all this data, and nobody can take you serious. It's like, dude, you've got a red mustache. You've got a giant red mustache. You're clearly an idiot.

Yeah, there's no way to take a person. If you're single and you've got that Kool-Aid mustache, you are single forever. Although, if you are single and you've got Cheeto fingers all the time, you are also single forever. Yeah, I think the problems could be overlapped to both of these. Although, there could be a real big Cheeto fan out there that wants to... Oh, no. I will...

Oh, no. Oh, whoa. You're married for one reason. It ain't easy. It's cheesy. No, it ain't. It ain't easy. it's just cheesy there is actually a benefit there's negatives to both there's a benefit to having Cheeto fingers

absolutely what like a snack? it's licking Cheeto fingers I've always got Cheeto fingers right this second right this second that would have been oh that would have been great that would have been great instead i just tasted a yes you licked your finger on the show

that was great i was checking and it was it was worthless but that was covered in cheeto dust i'm surprised i i'm guessing oh gross your finger probably tastes like Cheetos right now, doesn't it? I feel like Cheeto dust fingers are going to constantly be covered in saliva, apparently, by Jason. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I mean, it's just- They will color, too. They'll discolor.

They'll become orange. They'll be orange, but I mean, you're going to start picking up dust- I want to know what Borland wants in this situation. ... and nastiness. Borland, you want to weigh in? I'd have to go with the Kool-Aid mustache, I think. I tend to agree. I think we all would have to pick that,

because practically speaking, you can't have anything nice. You can't have any white shirts. Just go to a wedding or a funeral with a Kool-Aid mustache. A funeral? Walking in, so disrespectful. So disrespectful. as opposed to the cheeto fingers we can wear gloves though not in arizona well you can wear like

leather gloves no gloves and no growing out your real mustache to cover these what if what if when you what if you can grow a real mustache, but the mustache is basically stained, dyed with the Kool-Aid? I mean, it's just you've now got a red mustache with extra on your cheek. You just look like a clown. You look like Antonio Brown. With the blonde mustache? All right.

I'm going to go with the Kool-Aid mustache. I think we all will. One more before our draft. Alex says, would you rather breathe fire when you get angry or shoot ice out of your hands like Elsa when you get scared? Oh, man. I mean. So just being scared, you shoot that. So this is Borland.

This is like an uncontrollable. You get scared. You're firing this out, and then the town's against you like in Frozen. Correct. So my problem is really, really simple. It's just that one of these is awesome. I want it, but all of a sudden now I'm a murderer, which is, I mean, when I'm angry, let's go back to that driveline, and that car in front of me is taking 12 minutes. I got places to be i'm

so angry well now their truck's on fire which is awesome but now it's exploded they've died that is awful so what what do i do here i mean because there are moments in my life where i where I desire to have dragon breath. Yeah. That I can just roast whatever thing is making me angry. And that could be an advantage, right? I mean, I'm an Olympian, and I get really angry because I'm losing a race, and now I run through the charred remains of your opponents. How in the world would you make an Olympic connection here? The Olympic judges allow that. What are they going to do?

That's not in the rule book. Disqualify you for being a murderer. Yeah, that's the weirdest outcome you could ever get from breathing fire. The only advantage I can see is if you were the conductor of a choo-choo train, and you're like, oh, crap, we need to go faster. I'm so angry at how slow we're going. Mike made the connection. I was thinking of flame broiling up some Whoppers.

I mean, these patties are frozen again. these patties are frozen again! It's just, we've seen so many of these superheroes that can't control their anger, and when their anger takes over, they become the Hulk or whatever, and can you control that better than being scared? I mean, I don't feel like I'm scared very often in life. Like, avoid a few things.

Oh, man.ason thought of something i my wife would get the comeuppance she deserves for scaring me around every corner no one's gonna do that if you're gonna turn them into an ice cube exactly andy exactly i can live a better life because after she gets frozen a few times because i I'm going to come around the corner, she scares the tar out of me. And I go, Don't you get angry after that? But I don't have both. I'm saying if I chose the ice.

I want to clarify. You are not shooting out freeze, like you're freezing things around you. You are shooting out ice. Oh, so I'm just shooting ice in her? You are shooting icicles. Have you seen Frozen? Yeah, it's piercing.

When she gets scared and the glove gets ripped off, you're talking very dangerous ice. The rated R version is bloody. I was not seeing it that way. I was just seeing like, oh, she's frozen. Now I can walk away. I'm not afraid. Nah, she's dead, man.

Shoot. So basically, either way, I'm killing people. I'm going to do it with my rage then. Give me that anger fire. Okay, let's dead, man. Shoot. So basically, either way, I'm killing people. I'm going to do it with my rage then. Yeah. Give me that anger fire. Okay, let's draft. Just don't. The Spitballers Draft. How does it feel?

It feels bad. It feels real bad. Oh, man. I really wanted to hear what you had to say. It's too bad. we have to move on. What are we drafting today, Borland? We are drafting the best recess games. So you're trying to take me back to a time long ago?

Oh, yeah. That's right. And who's drafting first today? I am. Okay. And he's really, we talked about this beforehand. Yes. He's like, oh, thank goodness I've got the first pick.

And I'm thinking, what? Like, there's no 101. There is to me. Is there a clear 101 to you? No, I don't even remember what I did at recess. I'm going to write something down because there was something that was the clear 101 for. There is a king of the schoolyard. It's a game that is.

Do kids even get recess anymore? Oh, yeah. Barely. My kids getoolyard. It's a game that is... Do kids even get recess anymore? Oh, yeah. Barely. My kids get like 15 minutes. It's ridiculous. Oh, my kids get tons of recess time. Yeah, my kids don't get a lot. I think they get like two hours.

I think you need to check in with your children. They're not getting two hours. Yeah, yeah. But they get like 30 minutes before school. Then they get like an hour at lunch. They get like an hour lunchtime recess. Maybe that's it. So that's like an hour and a half.

Counting before school recess time. Are you out playing on the recess field? If you get there. Well, I'm a good parent. I drop them off with 30 minutes to play to start their day. See, my kids hate it if I drop them off that early. They hate it. They're like, please don't make me do that.

All right. So, Mike, you've got the 101, and you feel like you know what you want to do at recess. It's the king of all recess games, in my opinion. I'm taking dodgeball. Okay. All right. Okay. Dodgeball is the best.

Dodgeball's a fun game. I feel like they don't let kids play that. Do they let kids play that? Probably not anymore, but you can still play it. Okay. Dodgeball was the jam for you when you played. Yes. They didn't let me play it 20 years ago.

Oh, Dodgeball is the best. Okay. And when you go to Sky Zone? Oh, yes. For sure. Oh, my goodness. I just haven't done playground recess at Sky Zone. Yeah, I haven't done one of those either.

My kids do their recess at the school. Yeah, mine are both at the... You guys haven't been to recess in a while? Where they don't allow dodgeball. Yeah, they don't let anybody come pick the kids up, take them to Sky Zone. For Mike's first pick, he got time out. He got sent to the fence. He got... Well... Stop throwing the ball at the other got timeout. He got sent to the fence. He got, well.

Stop throwing the ball at the other kids, Mike. He runs out. Mike always ran out every day and just started. No kids were playing with him. He was one man dodgeball. If we're going by these rules, then a lot of the games we played when we were kids are not allowed anymore. I'm sure that's true. You are not wrong.

You're up. Yeah. this would be my first pick i don't know that it's everybody's first but it's definitely mine this is true to the heart of jay zamore growing up i i talked to my kids like one of my kids is is similar to me in the sense that like they don't like toys they didn't like like they just don't they never got into action figures yeah i got a kid like that i know andy you growing up you had action figures i loved them but my oldest does not right and so like i never ever ever had toys growing up i had one toy one

if you can call it a toy it was a basketball i brought it everywhere with me when by the time you got into sixth seventh and eighth, popularity was made by one thing. It was basketball. Who's a good basketball player? Because we were in Arizona at the heyday of the Charles Barkley Phoenix Suns. Basketball was king here. You're taking basketball. 100%.

That's what I spent every recess from fifth grade through whenever recess stopped. I don't know when I did. What I was amazed about as a kid is that we grew up in Arizona where it was 120 degrees outside, and as a child you're somehow immune to the temperature. Like recess was recess. I didn't even care if it was hot or not. We were probably all dying of dehydration.

Nobody knew. So you're going basketball. Mike, you took dodgeball. That's right. So I've got back-to-back picks here. I'm going with tag. That's classic. That would have been my next pick.

I'm going with tag. You can play it. It doesn't matter. You don't have to have a – not every recess field has a basketball court. I can play tag wherever I'm at. It's one of the best parts of tag. And I'm going to go with kickball. That's a great pick.

Those are good. I love kickball. Kickball is great pick. I love kickball. Kickball is easy to play. Everybody can play. It was allowed. We were allowed to play kickball. Wait, you were allowed to play kickball? Yeah. Now, how did you get somebody out when you were playing kickball?

Depends on the variation of the game, but I know what you're talking about. You catch the ball when they kick. He's talking about there are some people that you have to throw the ball at them. So your school allows you to play kickball, but you weren't allowed to play dodgeball. Unless you play baseball rules. You just throw it to the second baseman and they tag him. This is actually kind of funny because- You don't have to throw the baseball at the kid.

You don't have to, but of course you did. There was- I remember this now. Of course you threw it at him. You'd play it below the- Yeah, God hit him below the waist. That was the rule. Sure. Yeah.

That's fine. All right, so I'm taking tag and kickball for my one-two punch here at the end of the first round and the first pick of the second round, and I'm throwing it back to Jason. And now the decisions start to get a little bit more interesting. All right, so let me ask this. Can I pick playground? Like, playing on the playground. So let me ask this. Can I pick playground? Like playing on the playground.

This is a Borland question because this is technically recessed games. Right. Well, I mean, that's what activity are you doing when you go to recess? You're playing on the playground. It's up to Borland to me because he's the one who put the draft rule in there.

And I know that you will try to I'm not trying to skirt anything I'm just thinking when I was on when I was on recess what did I do I play on the playground does this count Al Borland uh no we had originally had best recess activities and in that case it would have counted but we did narrow it down and say best recessed games. Wow. Things have changed. You're lucky I don't have fire. I feel like I could help you out. Because you would be roasted back there. Because I had a game that we played on the actual playground equipment.

I'm not going to say it right now, though. I don't remember such games, so I'm going to... So, I'm really tempted. Stuff your friend in the slide. I'm really tempted. Ever play that? All right, I'm going to let... So I'm really tempted. Stuff your friend in the slide. I'm really tempted. You ever play that? All right. I'm going to do it.

All right. I'm just... I'm going to... Fortnite. I'm going to start with the classics here because this is truly what I spent my... What I spent my recess doing. I was in the field or I was on the court. So I'm going to go football.

If you're not playing basketball, you're playing... I'm going to go with the sports because I'm a boy that loves playing sports. You guys were allowed to play football. Yeah. It was tag. It's basically tag football. Two hand touch. We did play some football.

It's interesting. Football was actually not allowed at my elementary school. Because you didn't throw the ball at the kids? Yeah. You're not beaming them throw the ball at the kids? Yeah. You're not beaming them with the ball. You can't play. Well, they said this is too safe. Right.

Actually, too safe. All right. I have back-to-back picks. I don't know how this will go with the crowd, but it was my favorite game when I was in elementary school. And I will take tetherball. Okay. It was on my list. I wrote down.

It was weird, man. It got real popular. Yes. At my school. People were all about the tetherball. You talked about the king of basketball. That was your popularity. In grade school, where I went, it was how good are you at tetherball?

So I wrote this down before him. When you said you had your one-on-one, it was the king of the school. I wrote down tetherball is for losers because i assume you're gonna take tetherball but here's what happened like this this was what happened in our school when you were a young kid tetherball was really cool it was like king but as you got older the kids that were still playing tetherball were like you know they were those kids what i'll say where it was different for me i'm sure is i went through i went to a k through six so when you were a sixth grader you could dominate everyone sure when you were playing tetherball and i would go into my literature class with my my hand completely black and blue because if you missed the soft part of the ball the top of it is just

made out of steel. I was jealous of those that were very good at tetherball. I never played. One morning I decided I was going to go play tetherball by myself because I don't open tetherball. That kid. And I was going to go practice tetherball. I kid you not, here's my one experience playing tetherball as a kid.

I mustered the courage to walk over and start some practice. You know, I've got to practice. Sure. There's a huge spider on the tetherball. I hit it one time, saw the spider, ran away. That was the whole story. Wow. You was that kid.

I was that kid. Boom. Ah! That was it. That was it. So, yeah. Mike, you took tetherball? Yes.

And what else? All right. I'm going to. Oh. I almost jumped ahead of you. I was pulled an Andy. I don't think I would have taken what you were going to pit unless you were going to take, uh, the game that you can play on the blacktop.

Let's say it's the rainy day. You are not allowed to go into the field. This game, you can still play. I'm taking four square. Oh, that was in fact, well, I'm out of, I'm out of recess. Don't worry. You got two to pick coming up real soon. Oh, my gosh.

Yeah. Apparently, I need to start... I don't... Dude, my list is bottomless. Yeah. Well, you know, we took away activities. We have to have games now. I take the playground.

No, I had two things on my list here. One of them was Foursquare. I probably would have taken that first because I do think it's more popular. It's a great game. It is a great game. Now, when I played Foursquare, or at least once I got to be older, did you guys ever have the thing where whoever was in the service square, you got to make up the rules?

Sometimes, yeah. I played that way. I mean, that wasn't always. I tried to play Foursquare once. There was a huge spider. I went running. I went that way. I mean, that wasn't always. I tried to play four score ones. There was a huge spider. I went running. I went running away. All right, Jason, you're up.

So I'm going to take the other one that was written down. It should have been illegal at all schools because people got injured all the time. Punch out. Punch out. But it was a blast blast and I actually loved it Quarters Oh mercy Did I play quarters?

Yes where you put the knuckles A lot of blood You want to know how I got these scars? Quarters No but I actually loved this game It was really fun I was very good at it Because I was not afraid of just smashing Through people Red Rover Oh it's on my list It is really fun. I was very good at it because I was not afraid of just smashing through people.

Red Rover? Red Rover. Oh, it's on my list. Send Jason right over. There's no way that Red Rover is allowed anymore. No way. Possibly. You're breaking arms.

If they don't let go, they're coming together and smashing just a Red Rover sandwich. Oh, the 90s. Playing Red Rover. All right, so give me your teams real quick so I understand what I'm up against. I got dodgeball, tetherball, and foursquared. I have basketball, football, and Red Rover. All right. All right, and I've got what?

You have tag and kickball so far. Tag and kickball. It's a good combo. I'm going to throw this one out of left field. I don't care if you don't like it or you don't remember it, but I'm going with pogs. Okay. I am drafting the one summer craze that was pogs.

Do you remember these, Borland? Oh, yeah. Gambling at school. Gambling at school with your pogs. Somebody decided that they could sell little paper slam. Oh, well, those were metal. But, I mean, somebody made a lot of money selling pogs for a couple summers in Arizona. They eventually got banned from school because of the, ooh, you play for keeps on the pogs.

But that's an activity I remember doing. So I'm taking pogs but that's an activity i remember doing so i'm taking pogs i remember having a closet absolutely full of pogs and never playing the game it was just collecting them all and then i will go with another game activity um i will go with capture the flag oh dang it that was on that was it was between four square and capture the flag for me. So pogs and capture the flag, which means... Strong finish. Very strong finish. Tag, kickball, pogs, capture the flag.

I am in a bad, bad place then because that was the last... Taking playground again. I will, in fact, take playground. That is correct. Playing in the sand. You can take playing in the sand, Jason. Don't worry about it. Oh, thank you.

Yeah, you'll let me take that one because people don't want it But playing on the playground I can't have No I was definitely going to take that It's a great game I was worried I wasn't going to be allowed to take it Because it's basically tag as well You know freeze tag usually That's different though

No I know I was going to make that argument You should take TV tag The two things that I really want to take Can I take other I should take tv tag the two things that i really want to take yeah can i take other freeze tag and tv tag i will take shadow tag um no the other uh the other things that come to mind that i i really genuinely want to take are monkey bars and swings but again these are activities and and some some arbitrary person said i build just keep pushing up against the it's really not you call it arbitrary oh albert albert coming in hot that's fire that's fire um all right

uh gotta come up with a game here it's key you don't know what to pick you don't know what to do so i'm gonna take this one because it's because you can't think of anything else because i can't think of a bunch of other things and i love the game and i played it a lot um there are two names for it, and I've just recently realized that, because I only knew one name. I'm trying to learn them both right now. No, no, no. I am trying to look up the other one because I never heard until like two days ago,

I never heard of the other version. Oh, I know what you're talking about. I think. Yeah. Knockout is the game that I know. For basketball? Really? For basketball, yes. We grew up in the same, it's bump out. Well, sure, i think yeah knockout yeah is the game that i know for basketball really for basketball yeah we grew up in the same it's bump out well sure bump out and knock out but there was another one it was like light light speed or something like so you're taking a

variation of one of your other picks yes which i don't like but they're very different but they are totally different i would not go play basketball but you play because i was i'm a terrible basketball play bump out every morning yes Yes. Bump out was great. Okay. Alright. Are you taking knockout or are you taking bump out? The exact same game. No, but you don't get to put both titles. Al Boyland? Okay. You know what? You gotta tell me what to put

in the Twitter poll. Okay, since I apparently did not make a pick, I'm actually gonna change. Sure. I'm going with a different variation of basketball. I played far more frequently. What is happening? I'm going to change. Sure. I'm going with a different variation of basketball. I played far more frequently. What is happening? I'm going with 21. Okay.

I mean, 21 tips. All right. Tips allowed. Okay. Single or double? Single or double. Double tips? Jason's just going to go with horse and 21 and bump out and knockout.

No, the tips, you had to say double or single, because then you could tip a tipper. If you tipped it with two hands, they would get down to zero. There was different rules for how many hands you actually tipped the ball in with. Mike, you are up. It's your final pick.

Dodgeball, tetherball, four square, and this is generally where you take bump out historically speaking in drafts mint chocolate chip goes right here it would be a good one to take you said you have a list a mile long i do so you feel like you you have the list it's just which one of the list is the best to go with my my fantastic conglomeration of real recess games. I'll tell you a story about the worst recess I ever had while you think about that. Please do.

The worst recess I ever had was playing tag with my friends, running around, and it had just rained. There was a lot of water and mud and things around. And I remember being in the adolescent middle age where you were conscious of girls and that type of thing. You had crushes. And I remember one kid pushing me in the middle of that, and I went flying. And I'm talking, it was right in front of the popular girls.

And I went flying, and I went face down, full body in a mud puddle. And literally had that embarrassing get up, covered in mud, head to toe, half crying, all the girls laughing, go to the nurse, have to get my mom to bring new clothes to school. Ouch. So yeah, between that and the spider, I was a real winner at recess.

All right, Mike. All right, I have it narrowed down. i have it narrowed down you have it narrowed down yeah i did my i did my best for you mike i really did you should have it narrowed down i'm trying to listen to the story i'm trying to be a good friend an active listener over here and you want me to narrow things down i i've have it narrowed down to two well let's hear i guess i can talk it out yeah because since i'm the last one. Soccer was played a lot. Sure.

I thought about it at recess. And the other game... By all the European kids. Yes. I remember that, yeah. It's a game that... We played it because our field and our playground area was big enough.

So let's hear the other one that you're going with. The other idea was hide and seek. It was very popular. You let's hear the other one that you're going with. The idea was hide and seek. It was very popular. You could actually play it, but I don't know if enough people were able to do that on their actual fields. So hypothetically, which one of those two are you going to pick right now? Just hypothetical. It's not for real.

Just which one would you pick if you were doing a show in a hypothetical world? If you were going to close out a draft on a podcast. I'll take soccer. All right. He went with soccer. I thought about it. I pivoted to pogs from soccer. I wish I would have remembered soccer.

You would have gone all sports. I really thought you were going to take it. Hey, Borland, now that we have made 12 picks. I still think it's absolutely insane that we're talking about recess and I can't take the swings or the monkey bars or the playground. Oh, that's because we did a recess. Brooks is over here. That's because we did a recess games draft.

That's why, Jay. What I was referring to is we played the sand is lava. Oh, you'd play that, huh? Yeah. That would have been a good game to choose. Where you go around the playground and if you fall off. Any big omissions, Brooks? Here's why it is a's why here's why it is a game here's why it is a game the playground the playground is a game here's why because every you don't go on the

playground and not play a game it's a you didn't just go on the playground and go i'm walking upstairs and going outside you were with your friends and what game would you play you made a million different games the game is i'm gonna play the playground, and you'd say the floor is lava. That's the game you're playing. The game within the game. You would play the game of ship. You're on a ship. Just have a side convo over here.

Yeah, I'm just moving on. Jason's whining. I did make a list before this, and the only one that didn't get picked is a variation of one of Jason's picks, which is 500. Whoa! I would have loved it if you had said. My kids are so into 500 right now. If you had said you made a list and the only one not picked was Playground,

I would have been so happy. So happy. What did you guys learn on the show today? I learned that Jason treats a drive-thru like the 10 items or less. Oh. Lane at the grocery store. I learned that Al Borland is going to need a fire retardant suit because I'm coming after him.

I learned that Jason is a very vindictive drafter and that I need to practice my passing techniques for Cracker Barrel. That's what I think. Yes, you do. Got to get up there. Got to get quick. Got to get that food in my belly. Got to get up.

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