Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 53: An On-Air Injury & Creating A Concert - Fun Podcast

Episode Date: June 24, 2019

After a brutal on-air injury, Jason wonders if he will ever sit again. Then, Andy accidentally reveals the secret identity of Producer Borland. After some compelling ‘Would You Rather’ and ‘Great Questions’, we dive into a draft to create the best lineup for our first annual Spitballapalooza music festival. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy  Connect with the show: Visit us on the web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Came in with a tag at the end. You try to let yourself go a little bit, you know? You want to put yourself, you're alone in a phone booth yeah no one can hear you this is drop drop a little scat drop a little scat as mama always used to say oh did you drop a little scat today not yet need to have my coffee as you say over the next hour

we'll drop plenty welcome to to the Spitballers Podcast. Back again. Would you rather situation room and a very special draft on the show today? A draft-a-palooza. Fair. That is fair. That is the tease we need. Thank you.

Thank you. Andy, Mike, and Jason back again. Find us on Twitter at SpitballersPod. You can follow Mike at FFHitman. Hello. You can follow Jason at JasonFFL. I'm at Andy Holloway. So follow us on Twitter and Instagram, the website, SpitballersPod.com.

I will say this. We appreciate all the submissions, the ideas, the different segment topics and questions on life advice and draft ideas. We love them. Keep sending them. We will use them on the show. They are a lot of fun.

So very excited to get going. How do you find gentlemen doing today? I'm a little full. Oh. Yeah. You know, sometimes people are like, I'm happy. You know, I did. i did at lunch today you know first time for everything right i just feel like my emotional state is pretty much the same as my hunger state for like well like maybe i'm angry because i'm not full right okay

i don't think of myself as angry when you're like, what's wrong? How are you feeling? Hungry would be my answer. Right now... You don't drop the hangry? Well, of course I do. I mean, don't be ridiculous.

I get very hangry, but that's how I feel right now. I feel full. Actually, that's not true. Full of life. I feel too full. That's more appropriate. Well, I hope that translates to a very entertaining show.

Mike, you doing well? Spectacular. All right, let's get going. Would you rather? All right. Our first would you rather question of the episode, would you rather be a cartoon in real life or a real person in a cartoon

interesting so in one i get to have everything around me be cartoony like i get to live in toontown yeah so we have there's a reference point for this of who framed roger rabbit both of these things exist in that movie uh space jam as well oh touche space jam you get to see actually both of those happen because during that movie um bugs bunny comes back to the real world it's true to take mike michael jordan's shoes i think to get his shoes in his book his bag and brings them back in so because he didn't have his shoes he couldn't play without his shoes. I can't even remember.

Yeah, that's what happens. I think the last time I saw Space Jam was in the theater. I want to be a real person in the cartoon world. Do you want to know why? I do. You want to be Detective Eddie. Because I have three children, and I have watched a lot of cartoons over the last 10 years.

And there's something spectacularly happy and normal about cartoon universes where everybody's happy. I'm thinking of like, if I'm living in the world of Paw Patrol, it's just a happy little town. I would not be okay living in the world of Paw Patrol. Maybe not Paw Patrol.

No, living in the world of Paw Patrol, that's the matrix where they made everyone happy and it broke. It doesn't work. They had to remake it. Paw Patrol, oh my goodness. I cannot handle Paw Patrol. Chase is on the case.

You want to be in Caillou's world, Mike? Look, I never watched it. I know that- Caillou's world is like an Apple commercial. It's just white. Congratulations. Just walking around in a white studio. I did watch, not Caillou's World is like an Apple commercial. It's just white. Congratulations. Just walking around in a white studio. I did watch, not Caillou.

There's another one. I'll think of it. I just think that cartoon worlds are so often just, it's pristine. It's perfect. The weather's fine every day. Rolling hills. Nothing goes wrong in these simple cartoon worlds. So you think of modern day cartoons.

To me, if I live in a cartoon world, I'm in Warner simple cartoon worlds. So you think of modern day cartoons, because to me, if I live in a cartoon world, I'm in Warner Brothers, old Disney movies where... Where you're getting hit with a hammer? Yeah, you're getting anvils dropped on you. There's no thought given to the world of anatomy and laws of physics.

Yeah, you're going to drive right into the mountain because someone moves the tunnel picture. As long as you don't look down, you can't fall down right into the mountain because someone moves the tunnel picture. As long as you don't look down, you can't fall down. Mine is much more the Winnie the Pooh's world. Like, it's just fine. It's a little realistic. Sometimes it's a windy day.

Sometimes I've got too much honey. Big deal. There's no, like, I'm shocked that you would take the person in the cartoon world. For me, it's so clearly I would rather be the cartoon in the real world. Because if I am the cartoon, if I'm the cartoon, that means two amazing things for me. And these two reasons are the only reasons that I would never consider the other. One, I'm immortal. You know.

No. No. No. I don't have the juice around here. The dip. I don't have the juice around here. The dip. I don't have the dip. If someone comes around with an eraser, you better be. You better be afraid.

Look, I can run over. Yeah, I can get run over. Yeah, but you're living in. I could jump off of any height. You're two dimensional. Everybody. There's 3D cartoons. Everybody.

You know, there are not. Everybody you come to love. They just live and age and die and you're still around but more important than my awesome cartoon immortality is the fact that

I have the cartoon superpower of reaching behind me I can grab anything I want from out my back from right behind you I thought you just meant

like you would be able to scratch your back which is something you cannot do no that's well also true. How do people get there? I'm a wide man.

I have back pockets. I've never been able to use them. At any moment, you need anything, you just pull it out of your invisible cartoon back pocket. I reach back there, and I've got a giant hammer, which is usually what you need. Wouldn't that be great? He makes that choice. He becomes a cartoon in a real world. He thinks he can pull anything out, and every time he pulls a hammer out.

That's all he can get. Hammer after hammer after hammer. What problem in this world cannot be solved by a hammer? With a giant cartoon hammer? With a giant cartoon hammer. If I had free reign with a giant cartoon hammer, I'd do some work. That's for sure. Look, maybe it doesn't solve the problem that other people want the solution.

Right. It solves my problems. Just fine. Are you driving a little slow in front of me on the freeway? You're getting so many hammers thrown at your car. Yes. Which one are you going with, Mike? We split over here.

Got to be the tiebreaker. Yeah. I mean, ee. This is really important to him. Well, I'm trying to give this some real thought, Mr. Backscratcher. Well, because this could happen. So definitely think this through before you say something you're going to regret. Do you realize that you could make that statement about everything we say in this show?

That is very fair. That's your comeback? I know you are, but what am I? I stand by it. Proud of it. How dare you give real thought to this hypothetical question? I'm going to be the real person in the cartoon world. I think you would be unique.

People would certainly... I think you would be unique. I agree. You'd probably be unique in the other situation too, eh? Well, because when you're the real person, I'm basing all this off of Roger Rabbit rules. He had cartoon powers. Once he entered the world of Toontown,

he could get flattened. He could fall off of a building. So I still get all the powers. This is a fun question. But everyone else is the weird looking one. Yeah. Not me. Everyone else is the normal.

That's the normal yeah to them you need to think a little harder jay yeah um let me know if you need me to scratch your back by the way uh tom says would you rather drop everything that was ever thrown to you oh no or everything you throw falls embarrassingly short. Tom is a monster. So lay this out for me, Borland. What am I throwing on a regular basis where I am due for some humiliation here? Don't you coach youth sports? Not if I had this problem, I wouldn't.

You throw things all the time. You toss your buddy the car keys. In our office, often we will throw a water bottle or a soda can. So in this scenario, if everything I throw falls embarrassingly short, all of a sudden Jason is competition for me on the basketball court? Well, I think that I'm now competition. This is fighting words. Mike's now competition?

Yeah. I mean, Brooks will beat you. And that's saying something. How dare you? See, if you threw everything embarrassingly short, you would get out of some of that aforementioned work that Mike just described. Hey, I need the keys. I need the water bottle.

Andy, can you throw that? I would actually just start getting up, walking across the room. No, you would have to be the walker. I would still ask Andy for things, but he would have to walk them over to me. Yeah. You don't get out of it. You're still doing favors. If I drop everything people throw to me, I'm going to be messy.

People are going to throw things to me that I'm going to drop on my foot or hit me in the shirt or hit me. I mean, you can drop them in a myriad of ways. And you think that I'm not going to Andy Think Fast. You're darn right. And just throwing like, I'm throwing ice cream at you. Yes. I mean, you want that.

I do want. In general circumstances, you would throw ice cream at me. You are a great friend for throwing ice cream. Yeah, because I'm grabbing it out of the air with my amazing catch powers to put in my mouth. These scoops. Just grabbing them out of the air. I'm not throwing a scoop. my mouth. These scoops. Just grabbing them out of the. That's what I saw.

I saw scooped ice. You are throwing a Neanderthal. What are you doing? Throw me. Are you throwing me? Yeah, but that's how you eat it by the carton. I'll pick it up and eat it. Thank you, Mike.

I'm going to get you. What's the problem with him having a pint of ice cream in front of him? I dropped a little bit of ice cream that I get for free. It could create a mess. Very melty ice cream. I prefer you throwing me just handfuls of ice cream. This is a pride question here. This is which one means more to you.

Because do you want to catch everything? You know what I mean? Well, you don't get to catch everything. You just can't catch anything. You don't get the opposite here? No, you don't get to catch everything. You just can't catch anything. You don't get the opposite here? No, you do not get the opposite power. Well, you catch at your current percentage rate, which is probably... So then I catch everything.

You're probably a 90% catcher. I mean, that's really low. I am a 98% catcher. I just don't see a world where I'm throwing and catching things all over the place where this is going to affect me either way. You should pay attention. I'm just withdrawing. I will.

I will, Mike. I'm going to make a log. I'm going to write me either way. You should pay attention. I'm just withdrawing. I will. I will, Mike. I'm going to make a log. I'm going to write down everything I throw and catch for the next year. I'm going to. It'll be two pages long. I'm going to choose to drop the things that people throw at me because I can make excuses for that. You know what I mean?

I can say, oh, I didn't. Yeah, I can say. I'm very full. Or act like I didn't see them throwing it. You know what I mean? It's like, oh, Andy, can you throw me those keys or whatever? And then I'm going to look away. And then you turn to look.

And then, oh, that was rude, Andy. You always turn away when people throw you stuff. And then whatever. I will stop. But can you imagine how embarrassing it would be to be like. Imagine in a snowball fight. Oh, someone asks you to throw you something. Yeah, hey, can you throw me whatever?

It's like, it just drops right in front. I think about when people throw out the first pitch. Yeah, 50 cent out there throwing that first pitch. It just hits the dirt. Get the honor. Game seven of the World Series, Jason Moore. We need you to come throw out the ceremonial first pitch. And you know what?

I have to refuse. I'm going to throw that first pitch because I can no longer catch. Fair. Fair enough. All right. Would you rather take a cold shower every day? No. Or only be able to take a hot shower every other week?

I mean. Define cold. You got to go ice go it's cold you gotta go icy here because yeah to me i enjoy a cold shower i know we've discussed yes yeah he's got more of a high he's got more of a hide he no longer has skin he has a scaly. I figure if you can absorb cold water. What all has a hide? Rhinoceroses. He has a rhino, elephant.

A boar. Can you think of any thin animals that have a hide? Or is this part of like... Turtles. Turtles have a hide? And turtles are thin? They have a shell. That doesn't apply on either level.

They do not have a hide. They're thin this way. Like a pancake? Like a piece of paper. Pancake turtle. Oh, man. Great. So I'm just, I mean, my point is, look, this is grounded in some reality.

We've been in cold weather before where you have worn. You exposed the hide. You've exposed your hide. You withstood cold temperatures at a far greater rate than Mike and I could. I run hot. That's what I'm saying. That is not an exaggeration. This morning.

Because of your hide. This morning. This is what happened. I woke up at 6.30 a.m. I got to get in the shower before I head to the studio. I go. I woke up 6.30 a.m. I got to get in the shower before I head to the studio. I go. I shower. I don't take hot showers.

I like warm showers. I do. I'm the same. I do warm-ish. I can't do it. I would say more cool than warm. My wife will boil herself alive in her shower. She comes out red as a fresh cooked lobster,

as a tomato, as other red things. As a stop sign. I can't handle that. Fire engine. Thank you. Let's keep them coming. A brick. No parking lane.

An ambulance. Ambulance is coming in a lot of colors, Mike. So here's the thing. I take this cool shower, this warm shower. I come out. I'm getting dressed. I put a shirt on. I cannot stop sweating.

What did you do, though? What did you do that day? I just told you. I woke up and I was sweating. I mean, I had to put myself. We have this like. We need to schedule him an appointment. We have this air purifier.

We can put that thing on like go mode. Where it's like. Just. So clean. And I use this to cool down. This is my cool down machine. I go right. Why don't you buy a fan?

I will only be cooled by the purest airs this guy so but i need a half a six fan please this air is dirty yeah look i got clean air blowing in my face and i can't cool down i've done and i thought to myself you're taking cold shower every day i thought to myself i have done nothing i walked 20 feet i took a shower in water yeah you got something wrong with you bro i'm still a little wet from the most people be freezing and i'm putting freezing cold air on me and i can't stop sweating i i definitely have health issues right now you're taking the cold shower i'm taking the cold shower 100 this is tough because a hot shower when you are dirty is incredible, right?

Yes. And what? I will be desperate for a shower in two days max? Yeah. And now I've got to wait another 12? You either take cold showers or you stink. Right. In Arizona, this is a problem.

Well, you can just jump in the pool every day. If you take a cold shower, you can take- Or chlorine bath. I've been on trips before, places that don't have hot water. I've had to do the cold shower thing for multiple days in a row it stinks but you just end up taking rocket ship fast showers just the and i'm sorry when it's really cold you're in you're out you scrub what you need you get on out of there yeah so i think i'll stay clean you have the cold showers and and

enjoying showers is out but i never smell i'm changing this to one a week, Andy. A hot shower once a week. Oof. What would be the... What's the limit? What is the day? Once every four days. I think the limit is three days.

I think I need a three... If I could take a hot shower every three days, unlimited time in there, because obviously it's just a shower, and I could get fully clean... 12 hours. Just fully fully clean 12 hours just fully 12 hours versus and i'm because i'm trying to put myself in the this is not just neutral water this is cold water this is a cold yes you are not i mean isn't there something borland you're a scientist right isn't there something about like just the pores on your skin and being able to clean yourself with hot water you clean better they yeah That's why you wash things in hot water, right?

Correct. Yeah. I think the steam or something opens up your pores. There's a sanitation element. I don't know if you get as clean in cold water. Well, there are benefits to cold water as well. It just reflects off your hide. Like if you work out, yeah, all my pores.

I don't have pores. You have scales. So the cold water is fine. I guess we're good. We're good here. You got to take the cold cold water is fine. I guess we're good. We're good here. You've got to take the cold water. It's just, you can't stink. I would say four days.

Now, four days? I think I could do. You could go four days? I don't want to, nor do I, but I think at this question, that's the threshold where you'd go, man. You know what? Freezing cold every day or every fourth. What about your wives? Because I feel, women don't smell

as fast as men smell. Generally. They don't sweat as much. They don't smell as much. I've got twins, a boy and a girl. One's stinky. One's stinky. Do they get your high? Does he know? Yeah. Oh, we've got the deodorant

in the house now. They take care of business. I feel like, you know, and women like longer showers too probably, right? You said your wife likes a nice long hot shower. Nobody could take longer showers than me. Than you? You take the longest, but it's just cold? It's warm. It's just not scalding my skin off my body.

Despite the fact that some people out there believe that i have a hide i have very gentle skin you're actually very thin skin i am pretty thick skin so i don't know i'm learning a lot about myself all right let's move on the situation realm all right jumping into The Situation Room. I have not read any of these. Have you guys read anything? I have read it. Okay.

I have not. You have been arrested, but given no explanation at all, and you are not allowed any phone calls. What would your family and friends assume you did? So they know I've been arrested. Is that right, Borland? Correct. They know I've been arrested. I don't ever get to talk to them.

They have to now guess what crime I've committed. Wow. Security's fraud. Okay. Totally. I can see that. I can totally see that. Looking for an angle? Insider trading or something?

I'm definitely going white collar here i hope they assume white collar they better right i feel like i feel like mine might be some sort of criminal speeding accidental well yeah i mean i don't know do you i've i've uh i've done the criminal speeding they do not actually arrest you for that. Depends on where you are, my man. Sure. No, I fear that they would think, like, public indecency. No, no. Just like, I don't know. Showing the hide off again.

He was probably too hot. Tried to make a break across this place. Got caught. I don't know. Tried to make a break for it. Took his garbage can out. Shouldn't have done that. I had no idea. Do you do the boxer garbage can delivery? Oh, I've done it. Took his garbage can out. Shouldn't have done that. I had no idea.

Do you do the boxer garbage can delivery? Oh, I've done it. Yeah? Yeah, I've done it. It depends on what shape I'm in. You want the neighbors to see. I'm taking them out. It's legit, though.

I've been doing my glutes. If I had one of those upper bodies where it's like I got the six-pack abs, the pecs. I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever think for a moment about whether or not I should throw a shirt on before I head out. Well, it's mean to your neighbors if you wore the shirt. Exactly. You're not. This is not for me. This has nothing to do with my ego.

That's right. This is for them. Feast your eyes. But it's rude for my neighbors sir the garbage came yesterday the garbage was yesterday why did you take your trash out every morning sir because i no longer get a paper that's right that's right i miss getting papers except for you gotta wait did you have a paper subscription at one point? Of course. We all grew up with them. That's true.

I'm asking, did you ever have a paper subscription? As an adult. For a small period of time. Oh, my goodness. Wow. I'm 35. We're all older than you. I moved out when I was 19.

You're telling me 15 years ago you didn't want the paper? Yes. That's what I'm telling you. Learn to read. We can read online. The internet existed. you were aol keywording back then um when i moved out chat rooming back yeah tell you that much yeah i was i was busy at college i wasn't like let me get my morning paper well some of us grew up before others some of us grew up when they were eight years old yeah well very well, very well.

All right. So what would they assume you did, Mike? This is interesting. I mean, it's kind of a question for us, too. Yeah. So I'll go with the parents. The parents would have thought, because I'm a tech guy, they're going to think that Mike pulled off some elaborate computer hack that I don't actually have. Mr. Robot over there. I don't have the ability to do any

of that stuff, but back when they couldn't use tech and I actually could, it was pure magician wizard powers. Once people are above a certain age, if you work in tech, you have all of the possible technological abilities of every person in that age. I watch 24. Give me the satellite

photos. That's exactly right. People come to me all the time. I work in that age. I watch 24. Give me the satellite photos. That's exactly right. Enhance. People come to me all the time. I work in a pod. I do podcasts. As far as they're concerned, I am an advanced videographer. It's all the same. If it's technology, if they saw it in a radio shack in the last 30 years, I know how to

do it. Look, our old company, we were a gaming company and primarily on Facebook early on, Facebook gaming. That was a long time ago. And I'm pretty confident that some of my extended family members thought I helped invent Facebook. Yeah. You know, it's like, no, I just make games on Facebook. They haven't hit you up for money yet?

Oh, that was a long time. Give me some of that Facebook money. I got the paper before that job. I'll tell you that. You got the paper? That's blowing my mind. Pete, you can still get a paper. That can't blow your mind.

Borland, when's the last time you got a paper? Did you get one as an adult? When I lived with my parents. Dang it. Yeah. Dang it. You guys don't like reading the paper? No.

Did you have a bathrobe? Were you out there in the robe? I would if I could. You guys bought me a rocking chair for my birthday. And it was appropriate for you to read your paper that you still get and we know you get. Wait, wait, wait. How many subscriptions did you have at one time?

Just one. Just the local paper. Honest to goodness, no joke. What did you think? I got the New York Times coming in? The Wall Street Journal? We need to remember for next year. For his birthday. For his birthday, we get him a subscription to the Arizona Republic. Oh, that's just the worst.

That's the worst because that's a little reminder of my old age. Every morning, delivered to my house. Do you know what that would be for me? I would like it. I know you would like it. The rocking chair was kind of a joke, but I also, why it worked was because it was like, it's a joke, but he's going to like this. I sat in it this morning. He's going to love it.

If we got him a paper, he would love it. If you guys got me a paper, that would literally be the rudest, meanest thing that you could do. Because you have to go out front every morning. Because I've got to go get, and you want to know what would happen? You walk to the trash can. One month later, there'd be 30 papers in my driveway. People would think that you were on vacation trying to rob you. Yeah, and then I'd be standing on the inside of the door.

Ha-ha! You thought I read the paper. I can't read. All right. Let's go with this one, this Situation Room. I guess this is trending on Reddit right now. Is that correct, Jeremy? That's correct.

Whoa, who's Jeremy? Who's that guy? Edit, undo. You can fill a pool. De-hance. You can fill a pool with anything you want. However, you must jump onto it from 30 feet up in the air. If you survive, you keep whatever it's filled with.

What would you fill the pool up with? Now, I think this is important to quickly state 30 feet is a lot of feet. Yes. How high is one story? I would say 12 feet, maybe. 10 to 12 feet. So this is not a... Let's put it this way.

If you jump 30 feet on a concrete, what happens, Al Borland? Explosion? Chris Blatt. Do you survive a 30-foot jump? No, you Borland? Explosion? Chris Platt. Yeah. Do you survive a 30-foot jump? No, you don't survive a 30-foot jump. I'm speaking to Albert. I would guess not, but it is honestly not my area of expertise. I think you can survive. I think you could break a lot of bones and survive.

Well, I mean, you can survive. Yeah, your legs would be broken. People have survived an airplane. Have you ever jumped off a roof, like a 10- to 12-foot roof? Back in the day, when my bones were younger. It doesn't feel good, though. No. When I was growing up, we had friends of our family that they had a diving pool, and they

replaced their diving board with, they built a high dive, and it was probably 10 feet tall. Wow. You knew someone with a high dive? Yeah. Oh, they lived in Fountain Hills. Oh, nice. That was fancy. I hope they had a real deep in.

It was. I mean, it was deep enough. There was no injuries that I know of. But let me tell you something. Except for poor Johnny. This is when I was, right, but we don't talk about him anymore. I was not a fearful kid. I'm not afraid of roller coasters.

I'm not afraid of heights. Jumping off that thing was scary. I mean, it was like climbing up there. And this is into a regular pool of water. And from 10 feet, 30 feet. If you just made it water, it would be painful. If it was 30 feet, water's going to be rough. Water's going to be rough.

So you could go feathers, but then you get a pool full of feathers is what you receive. If you go feathers, are you... Is it even holding you? No, you're dead. You're going through. Yeah, you're going through, but whatever, pillows. Okay? If you give me a big pool full wife pillows if they were decorative pillows my wife

would be so happy this would be so interesting because if you were in this situation this is the this is like modern day walking the plank right but you're picking what's down below do you get greedy or do you just want to live do you want to fill it with pillows and then oh great yeah like you said your wife oh my gosh Ladies, what genetic disorder do you have where you need 37 pillows on the bed? Well, it's not just the bed. I can't take it. It's my couch. Yes.

Yes. Are they competing with each other? They're very decorative. These pillows. Is this a fantasy league? These pillows generally cost $60 plus. Yes. They're super uncomfortable.

And they're uncomfortable. They're not comfortable. Oh, there's like little pillies on them, and they're all made to be stuff. No, they're super uncomfortable and they're on they're not there's like little pillies on them and they're all made to know they're all scratchy yeah we we just got animal hide all over them we've been replacing some furniture in our house and we're going through this and i was talking to my wife i'm like good luck i oh it is i mean this is really i'm uh apparently a husband's versus wives uh a battle right now on the on the on the extra pillows because look i'm gonna let you into some deep dark secret okay we don't make our bed okay we don't we haven't you know when our when we make our bed when someone

who's never seen our house comes over and we've got to give them a tour and we fake like we make our bed we don't make our bed so maybe once this last year twice uh let's let's say three times but she bought pillows for the bed you don't make so that's my point we don't make the pillow the bed but we've got these pillows that we have to have on the floor now they're not even there for the three times a year that we get up in the bed and we don't even need them to prop us up because we've got the bed that like lifts us up so there's wait why do we open this has got to be one of the most profound true differences between men and women is this pillow debate because if you're a man out there and you've got more than 10 pillows on your bed by your own choosing.

Let us know. Please, please let me know. Because it's shocking. I have to take them off of the bed so that I can fit on my bed every day. And hey. And I have gone to war on the real ugly ones. The ones that freak me out. I've hid them.

You want to know how to change it. All the pillow manufacturers out there. I should say the pillow designers. Because these are decorative pillows that we're talking about. Just make them cozy. Make them comfortable. Yes. Because then they're practical.

It would change everything. I would be okay with it. I like pillows. I just said when you filled a pool of pillows, I'm like, I like pillows. I hate decorative pillows. Make decorative pillows comfortable and you got me. They feel nice on the hide 30 feet up it's gonna be hard for me even with pillows to get the guests to make that jump but at least i know

they're pillows yeah i guess you try to land on your back on pillows is that the goal there on the jump your back yeah no you would want to land on your back yeah it's like yes it would be like doing a stunt jump where you land on the airbag below. They land on their backs. Oh, oh, oh, if it's pillows. If I jumped off a roof once onto a trampoline. Oh, I've done that a ton of times. And I thought, no big deal.

I pulled a few muscles in the back because I landed on my foot, on my feet, and it like, it was jarring. You tried to go to one foot. Did you go back or did you go feet? Off the roof? Yeah. Back in the day I would do whatever. Okay.

So what are some ideas here? We need to get to the most advantageous. Because obviously if you fill it with $100 bills. You're dead. Really? Yeah. Think of reams of paper. Think of reams of paper. to the most advantageous... Because obviously, if you fill it with $100 bills... You're dead. Because... Really? Yeah. Think of reams of paper.

Yeah. Think of reams of paper. That is as hard as the cement. But you don't necessarily die. And I'm not... I'm talking loose bills, bro. You're sinking into loose bills. You're not going...

But to actually fill that thing with loose bills, there would be so many of them. I think when you hit, it would come back. Now, what if you... But I'm willing to break, there would be so many of them. I think when you hit, it would compact. But I'm willing to break my legs for a certain amount of money. So you are? Let's negotiate.

Now listen, an Olympic-sized swimming pool has a volume of 152 million cubic inches. You can fill that pool with 2 billion bills and it will approximately fill it up that's 110 billion dollars okay i'm filling the pool with my legs are broken that is fine i will buy new legs that's what i'm saying your goal there is robot this going to hurt, and then I'm okay. See, my first thought was, like, I want something that I can land in. Crush them up. Crush all the bills up into, like, little balls. Now you're taking away my money.

Yeah, I only get $20 billion. So I think. Hold on. What did you just do? If you're not watching the youtube version of the show jason just jumped out of his chair like he got stung by a scorpion or electrocuted then he tried to just move on like nothing happened you don't get away with that my legs were crossed like my feet were crossed under the table and i was i was moving My knee felt like it was going out.

It just popped up against the wall. You're sitting. I need this money from the pool so I can replace my knees. Your knee went out while sitting. Your knee... I just located my knee. Oh man, what were you doing? Sitting.

Sitting down. And I moved my leg. I tried to turn Oh man, what were you doing? I was sitting down and I moved my leg. I tried to turn slightly to the left. I was trying to sit in a chair and my knee went out. Reconstructive

surgery on the way. How'd you tear your ACL, sir? Doctor, will I be able to sit again? Will I ever be able to sit? Oh, goodness. This show is over. Will I be able to sit? With a lot of rehab

and reconstructive surgery, you can record a podcast once again. Oh, my goodness. Now I'm sweaty. I did try. Oh, yeah. I'm 112 degrees over here.

Oh, my goodness. I was thinking about. Jello? No, close. SpaghettiOs with meatballs. You need that much? It's squishy. Well, because.

Look. Are you going to eat your way out of squishy. Well, because, look. Are you going to eat your way out of it? No, but I get to keep it. Oh, my gosh. Try swimming through that. Yeah, you're going to submerge, and you're never going to eat. You're suffocating in SpaghettiOs. Hey, every man dies.

Not every man truly lives. If I go out, you put that on my tombstone. SpaghettiOs. Cause of death? Stragulation by SpaghettiOs. His life wasn't worth a living. He couldn't sit anyway. Got taken out by Chef Boyardee.

All I know is that Scrooge McDuck... He's dead. Scrooge McDuck. Definitely. There's the family guy gif of him jumping into the room full of coins. Breaks every bone in his body. Oh, my goodness. You got any ideas, Mike?

Are we moving on to their draft? Well, once I heard the amount of dollars. It's quickly. Pain was no object. I'm going for it. Can I real quick just share how good SpaghettiOs and Meatballs are? Like legit SpaghettiOs and Meat are. Like legit SpaghettiOs and meatballs. PSA?

Have we talked about this? Have I brought up the way I used to eat them? Oh, I don't want to know. Did you put each SpaghettiO on a part of the fork? No. Did you eat it cold? No, I did not. Cold SpaghettiOs are fantastic. I ate it warm, but I would

put cottage cheese on the SpaghettiOs. Go away. It's funny because I think Jason would be 100% content in life with cold SpaghettiOs and Hostess apple pies. L-I-V-I-N. Living. I've decided I want the pool filled up half with dollar bills and half with Jell-O, and I will break through that Jell-O dollar bill thing.

It breaks the rules, right? Yeah. Okay. We're moving on. I'd love to hear what the spitwads out there come up with. The Spitballers Draft. Got any AC in this building? Oh, my goodness.

He threw out his knee sitting i sat out my knee this idea for a draft came in from jumanji44 on instagram he says you need to put together the first ever spitballapalooza festival Each of you must draft your best four band to line up for the music festival. So we're doing Spitballapalooza, and there are some rules. We just mean musical artists, right? Is that fair? Yeah, you can do an artist if you want. So the rule that we have put in here is that it is a pre-Y2K Spitballapalooza.

So you must choose artists who are making music before the year 2000. They could have gone into the aughts and beyond, but they at least had to be making music in before Y2K. So no Taylor Swift getting the ticket sales high. Right. No panda bear for you, sir. Oh, this won't be a panda bear. Look, there is...

And you have the first pick. Unfortunately, I have the first pick. I have my wheelhouses, which usually revolve around food. And I have my... Are you undefeated? What's the opposite of a wheelhouse? What is a wheelhouse? A squarehouse, in fact. Honestly, no. What is a wheelhouse?

Why do people say... The captain's wheelhouse? I imagine that's like where it's his domain. That's do people say the captain's wheelhouse i imagine that's like where it's his domain that's their domain captain's wheelhouse like a captain has the wheelhouse right captain has a quarters which borland quarter would be more square captain of a ship you go up to the wheelhouse to turn the wheel a part of a boat or ship well serving as a shelter for the person at the wheel well Well, well, well. I feel correct. You are. How you feel?

On my boats, we didn't have a wheelhouse, just a wheel. You're more of a pirate ship guy. That's right. So whatever the opposite of a wheelhouse is, a place you're very uncomfortable, that is your... Sorry for the distractions here. I'm just really going down with this. Like on a cruise liner? Yeah, there's a wheel a wheelhouse do they we're still doing the big wheel like we're still doing

this they did they did the giant wheel in wally and a robot had to drive it i mean i feel like we've got the technology to advance beyond the i don't think there's a big wheel up there anymore it's more of a there's computers no there, there's still got to be the giant wheel. I want to know. There's got to be. Do cruise liners have a giant? I feel like captains would insist on it. That's what I'm saying.

If you took the wheel. Sorry, that doesn't do anything. Yes, it does. We're not going to have any more boats because people who want to be a captain would plummet. So you, exactly. It's not as, as soon as the, you think those things on a plane do anything? Yeah, they're just sitting there. All right, Jason, you got the first pick.

This is the opposite of a wheelhouse for you. This is not your comfort zone. Yeah. Musical bands. Yeah, I mean, I have, you know, very small segments of, you know, music that I was really into for a little while. But I'm not like, you know, the classics. I don't know them. So I'm going to take one of my favorite bands that I think were fantastic.

Absolutely loved them. I assume this is pre Y2K. I guess I didn't think about that. You guys, we can vote. You can. We'll vet. We'll vet. Vet and vote.

But this is the only one I can imagine that maybe someone else would take. Because my other wheelhouse, it's coming. I'm putting on an R&B hip hop show. Just take the guys you want to take. But Weezer is... You're a jerk. That's fine. Oh, see?

You would have taken Weezer? That's what I'm talking about. I mean, Weezer's fantastic. The kickoff of the show with energy. All their music is really... Yes, they were totally eligible for that. Absolutely. So you've got Weezer with your number one overall pick.

And I'm just so happy that I actually, because nothing else I take today will have the remotest chance. I didn't even want to bring it up. I was going to say there's one band that you can take that's on my list. Wow, look, this one's easy for me because I believe that they would be the greatest headliner of all time. If you take my first two pictures, it's going to be really exciting. They're the greatest headliner of all time. If you take my first two pictures, it's going to be really exciting. They're the greatest headliner of all time.

It will make Brooks entirely happy. I love them. They changed music, and the Beatles are coming to Spitballerpalooza for me. I believe it's Beatles. I believe you're wrong. I'm taking the Beatles, and I thank Jason for drafting first. Oh, I mean, come on. Overrated.

Well, there you go. There you go. There's a lot of people who think that. I don't actually think that. I just don't hear apathy. The Beatles are absolutely spectacular. The Beatles are good. You ever been to the Beatles love show, the Cirque show?

I have not. I imagine it's great because Cirque shows are great. Yeah, and the Beatles music. Is fine i got you brooks all right well i'm gonna kick it off here with uh at least in the 90s they were one of the the biggest bands and they're one of the biggest and best bands of all time they make everyone in junior high learn how to play the guitar i will take metallica totally get it they're on my short list for sure. I was a big Metallica fan for a few years. And you learned how to play the guitar in those years. I actually did. Yes. Because that's what happens when you're in seventh grade. If you pick up a guitar,

now you need to learn how to play Metallica. I was going to combo that with Weezer there, just because I'd be playing the draft. I knew that Jason would eventually figure out he should draft Weezer. Because I love Weezer. But he figured it out too soon. So now I got to play the draft of who is... You got a little... Who could possibly get taken from me? So I will go with another very large band.

They were the ones that pretty much... Well, them and one other band but they revolutionized pop punk for us growing up in the 90s blink 182 uh they have two of the best albums along with weezer weezer's uh blue album and then pinkerton are in my opinion the two best back-to-back albums ever produced by a band in that list though you got to talk about blink 182's uh dude ranch and enema of the state and there i saw them live they were amazing they are not who they were obviously with tom leaving the band but i've metallica and blink 182 i'm very happy with my start all right all right you got blink 182 i wasn't really into them

there were one that i just somehow missed the boat on. I get it. I didn't like punk music when it came out. Blink-182 was alright. They were mainstream. Since I wasn't in punk, they were punk to the outsiders. To us alternative

grunge listeners. Alternative grunge, the 90s? I didn't really like them but I didn't like punk because I feel like nobody could sing it. And who's your pick, Jay? Nice try, Andy. I am not on the clock. Here's the thing. This draft feels like I'm playing poker with an amateur because I don't know what in the world Jason will do.

I don't know what bands he knows. He doesn't know what he will do. I don't know what in the world Jason will do. I don't know what bands he knows. He doesn't know what he will do. I don't know what he will take. I know my next two picks already because there's no chance you guys take them. Oh, now that makes me rethink my pick entirely. But I'll just go with who I believe deserves to be honored in the second spot of the Spitballapalooza. I've got the Beatles with number one. And number two, I'm just thinking of rolling up to this show, and I've got to see them live. And it's Queen. Okay. I've got the Beatles with number one. And number two, I'm just thinking of rolling up to this show,

and I've got to see them live. And it's Queen. Okay. I've got to see Queen. Jason was not going to select Queen. Freddie Mercury. Dude could sing. Oh, what a band.

One of the best ever. Hit after hit after hit. Got to go with Queen. And I'll be the champion. I think it's because of the movie or something but my son is like totally into queen right now he's like i would imagine it's because of the movie right yeah right yeah he's like otherwise he would know have no idea who queen right well and i was like what how what unless you guys play a lot of queen in the more household

it's not it's not on our our vinyl record player is still at the Holloways. I do have a vinyl player. You're darn right I do. This is really, really, really easy for me. I grew up. Basically, I had the little 90s alternative grunge love. And aside from that, sandwiched on both sides and at that same time was all hip hop, all rap. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That was what I loved. And look, if we're going and we could take Beatles and we could take whoever we want, I'm bringing Pac and Biggie. Okay. Enemies on the same stage back from the dead. So you're going back to back, Tupac and Biggie? Tupac and Biggie, West Coast, East Coast.

Let's get it on with Weezer. That's very strong. Very, very strong. Well, there you go. I did not listen to them, but I understand the impact. That's very strong. Well, my worry was, and you scared me for a second when you already knew them. You talked about 90s.

You talked about grunge, alternative. You talked about rock. I was worried you'd take Nirvana, but I wouldn't take them right now. I'll take Nirvana, iconic, game changer. They are the next band on my list, and I figured they'll probably get picked, but I couldn't. This is the truth. This is the least pander bear draft of my life. Otherwise, you would have taken him. Because I strategically knew I had to take Nirvana if I want him.

But I couldn't get myself to pick either Tupac or Biggie first. They had to come at the turn out of respect for each other. So then they could be back to back. Who was the 2-0? It was Biggie Park. So Biggie was 2-0-3? No, it was too big. There was no order. You do not put Tupac and Biggie in. So Biggie was two or three? No, it was too big. There was no order.

You do not put Tupac and Biggie in an order. No, you have written down Tupac, then Notorious B.I.G. I wrote down nothing. Al Borland. He will have to make a choice. You have to make an official order because when you put them in the list, they're in the order. Don't worry.

You won't alienate one side of the country. You're up, Mike. So, yeah, I've got the Beatles, Queen, and the Nirvana. 1991 was a good year. Yes. So there's a couple bands. Oh, man, I'll be done after this. Yeah, you got the backs to backs.

Yeah, because I got the back to back. Right now you're sitting with Metallica and Blink-182, right? Yep, I'm loving this so far. And I will go with a band. They burned extremely bright. It was, unfortunately, too short, as happens a lot of times with these bands. But I will take... Wait, what's your face saying to me over here?

He's worried. Are you trying to figure out who it is? I'm trying to figure out what happened in this draft. What? Borland. We all good? Yeah, as far in this draft. What? Borland. We all good? Yeah, as far as I know. What's up?

Oh, you went back to back picks on your first time. Oh, man. I thought you only took one. Draft order, I'm very sensitive to that at this point in time. I really thought you only took one last time. So go on. You got your final two picks. Yeah, so they burned bright.

I will take Sublime. Oh, man. I was really into Sublime. They are 40 ounces. goodness yeah that album is absolutely incredible okay so that makes i'm seeing your whole your whole adolescence right here yes uh you could tell which group of kids i was were you a big metallica fan yes okay uh monster metal i just wasn't sure what you know blink 182 sublime i wasn't sure how into Metallica you were I got very into Metallica For a little sliver there as well

Went and saw them live At America West Arena They were awesome At the finale They literally lit a man on fire Murder? No Lit a man on fire who then had to go

from the top of the America West Arena on a rope ladder down on fire. Hold on, how was this safe? It was not safe, which is why Cirque du Soleil is so exciting. Did you look up later, was this actually part of the show?

I think I did, because I thought well, that man died. I was like, did it? And I didn't find any news about it, so that could mean anything. All right. Man, taking the last pick is extremely difficult. I guess I will give the other people a shout out at the end. I'm going to finish it up.

Oh, my goodness. This is incredibly hard. I'm going to finish it up with the, my goodness. This is incredibly hard. I'm going to finish it up with the Beastie Boys. Okay. So I'll add a little bit of... So you're a huge Beastie Boys fan? Yeah. Were you a Rage Against the Machine fan?

They are on my list. I wonder. They're on the list. The puzzle pieces are all coming together, and I can see the tapestry, Mike, of your adolescence. Yeah, and I was in JNCO pants. That is true. That helped. Killing it. So I've got... What's your four pack? You can... Metall tapestry, Mike, of your adolescence. Yeah, and I was in JNCO bands. That is true. That helped. Killing it.

So I've got, what's your four pack? Metallica, Blink-182, Sublime, Beastie Boys. Now, see, at the end of this, even before we do the vote, I want to see who are two producers, which show they want to go to. Sure. I'm just curious. Well, I know which show. I guess Brooks is probably dead set.

But this is the hardest pick because when you pick your fourth band, you're eliminating so many others. Man, look, it's very close between two of them, which is the Foo Fighters was a thought. But I'm actually going to go with U2. I know people don't all love U2, especially later U2. But the quantity of great songs and hits in those earlier albums where the streets have no name, I loved U2.

I thought they were absolutely great. One, you know, that's what I'm going with. I'm going to go with U2. You got some big-time bands there. Huge. Yeah, Sunday Bloody Sunday. All right. So I'm up.. I'm going to go with you two. You got some big time bands there. Huge. Yeah, Sunday Bloody Sunday. All right. So I'm up.

I got the last pick here. I've got just, I love. Oh, please be Sting. Weezer, Tupac, and Biggie. Michael Bolton. Oh, you should have gone Bolton and Kenny G back to back. This is a tale. Wow.

Captain Jack Sparrow. This is a tale. Captain Jack Sparrow. So look, I'll just read off the names that I've got here. These are from the heart bands that I love. I've got two of the greatest hip hop gangster rappers of all time. I'm good there. I want two of the alternative grunge music that I listened to in that time. Oh, man.

You realize you made a mistake? No, I'm thinking about what Jason is taking. So there's a whole bunch here. Here's one that you realize is for camera. So one of the bands that I love so much, I'm not going to pick them, but I got to give them a shout out. No Doubt. I know that sounds weird, but I love No Doubt. That doesn't sound weird. I love so much. I'm not going to pick them, but I got to give them a shout out. No doubt. I know that sounds weird, but

I love No Doubt. I equally love Bush. No Doubt was too cool for me. Bush was great. Rage Against the Machine, loved Rage. Just Rage, not the bands. The video game Rage. I'm really between two here, truly. Those are all just shout outs. It's between

Smashing Pumpkins, who I absolutely 100% loved everything they put out, and Tool, who made one of the best albums of all time in Anima. And I think I've got to go with who pairs best with my Spitballers Palooza. You're putting a show together. I'm putting a show together. That's why I went you2 over Foo Fighters. It fit my billing.

And look, Maynard James, he's going to rock the heck out of this show. I'm taking Tool. I'm going Tool and Weezer. I was never into Tool. On the outsides of Biggie and Tupac. Very interesting. You're going to love the show. You might die, but you'll have a blast.

The rest of my list was Tool, Rage Against the Machine. Then I had The Offspring. Oh, man. I was massively into The Offspring. And I guess I am a complete pander bearer because my favorite band, NoFX, was not on those lists because they will not get it done in the polls. Yeah, well, I mean, it's a little bit of a balance. Jason has Weezer, Tupac, Notorious B.I.G., and Tool.

I've got the Beatles, Queen, Nirvana, and U2. Obviously a little more old school than you two gentlemen, but not surprised. Metallica, Blink-182, Sublime, and the Beastie Boys for Mike. What show are you two producers going to? Brooks is going with Al Borland's coming to my show. Yeah, I was just going to say, Mike

and I actually hung out a lot in this era and have very similar tastes and I'm going to see. None of you are invited. You could wear one pair of JNCO pants combined. Our entire group did wear it. Yeah, we all wore JNCOs. Just one pair.

You could all fit in. You could all get in. Who's got the pants? Who's got the pants? Who's bringing the pants? Come tonight. Well, like the person, whoever did the picking up, you brought the pants. Yeah.

Climb in. What did you learn today, Andy? What did I learn on today's show? Hmm. But you can't decide between Tupac and Biggie. That's what I decided. Hmm.gie. That's what I decided. That's what I learned. I learned that Jason doesn't have skin.

He has more of a hide. And I learned I can bust my knee while sitting. That was a good moment. We'll get you some medical attention soon. I really tried to move on. The GoFundMe page is going up soon for his knee reconstruction surgery. Thank you for tuning in to the show. We'll see you next

time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. If you want to hear more, if you want access to the full archive, ad-free, go to SpitballersPod.com. You can get all the information it takes to support this show. Looking for a running shoe with reliability over the long haul and sustainable comfort

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