Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 54: Running for President and A Corporate Fight to the Death - Funny Podcast

Episode Date: July 1, 2019

On today’s show, one of the Spitballers decides to throw his hat in the presidential race. Can you guess which one? Also, does a Rubix cube equate to a life sentence or early release? If you punch yourself and it hurts are you really strong or really weak? Would you rather be forced to perform open heart surgery on one person, or land a jet full of people? We staple up this episode with an ‘Office Supply Store Battle Royale’ draft! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Visit us on the web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, spit wads, when you run out of this great show and you're like, I want more shows, you can get access to our entire archive at spitballerspod.com. You can become an official spit wad of our Patreon, have access to everything we've ever made ad free at spitballerspod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Really gristly That was a gristly scat That's my regular voice, what are you talking about? You've done some yelling recently? You know, I

It's me Did you hit the Oregon Trail? Mike I think we might have mentioned this once But but someday, someday, because I've been thinking about it a lot. Okay. Someday when we do a live show for this podcast, like we do for the Fantasy Footballers, and we've got, you know, two, three hundred people.

Right. A thousand. Yeah. You know, we have them all, you know, scream the mailbag drop from the other show. Sure. But they're all going to scat the intro. Ooh, see, I was... And we're going to have just the worst sounding,

everybody doing their own scat. It's going to be glorious. No, I think what we do is, because this show, the community, we've got to give a guest the opportunity. Now, see, that's where I was going. To win the prize, to come on stage, and you do the scat. You guys are being way too nice. You're being way too nice with the opportunity. See, that's where I was going. To win the prize. To come on stage and you do the scat. You guys are being way too nice.

You're being way too nice with the win. Guys, we gotta make that money. Oh, you bid. You gotta pay $2,000 and you get to do the scat. You pay for the right. Gotta get that scat cash. Yeah, oh. Scat cash. Welcome to the Spitballers

Podcast. Hold on, is that available? No, I wouldn't. Don't need it. Would you rather Yeah, oh. Skit cash. Welcome to the Spitballers podcast. Hold on, is that available? No, I wouldn't. Don't need it. Would you rather? That's a great question and a very violent, I mean, exciting, interesting draft today. I will say this to tease our draft topic of the episode. I don't know what to take, and i have the first pick uh and have no idea

so we will have a lot of fun follow us on twitter at spitballers pod thank you for sending in your questions subscribing somebody reviewing what guys somebody owns scat cash for the price of 24.95 we can be the proud owners of scatcash.com. Wait, are they flipping it? Someone is trying to sell scat cash for $2,500. Now, when they get contacted, what do they go? Nailed it. What?

Like, this worked? They're just putting that price up, and then if someone says, I'll give you $5, they sold. You got it. How does that domain hold any value? It does not, Mike, and we will not be purchasing it, and we have no need for it. It's too late. We own it.

Thank you so much, as I was saying, for sending in your questions and your thoughts, your draft ideas, youtube.com. Also, thanks for the reviews over on apple podcast we're going to read one of those reviews right now review asaurus rags this one comes in from thumbs up app raider number one five stars this was my first podcast experience and within two weeks i listened to every episode after i finished i watched you guys on youtube and subscribed of course oh thank you naturally you guys look nothing like i imagined andy definitely fits his voice by keeping the show on track

jason is way skinnier than i first imagined a lot of fat jokes you made self-deprecating humor included well it's all in the belly so when you're on youtube that's hidden you guys have I first imagined. A lot of fat jokes. Self-deprecating humor included. Well, it's all in the belly. So when you're on YouTube, that's hidden. You guys have no idea how pregnant I look. You're all about over-promising. Right. And under-delivered.

Yeah. That's what I look for. And Mike, I thought Mike would be this big, buff, tatted-up guy. Wait a minute. Hold on. No, wait. Wait. Hold on.

He's definitely tatted up. You're tatted up. Hold on. So there wait. Wait. Hold on. He's definitely tatted up. You're tatted up. Hold on. So there's only one thing that he's missed. Andy looks like this voice. Jason gets a thin compliment. I'm looking great. And they, I don't know the gender of thumbs up apparator number one, but.

Thumbs up apparator can eat a bag. You, sir. If you're listening, you're just listening here you have not yet gone to youtube which honestly after last week's episode you had to have gone to youtube to see our hullabaloo um which i won't spoil for you but um listen if you're listening and you haven't seen the YouTube yet, I want you to know that Mike has tattoos. He has a lot of tattoos. But if you, like thumbs up apparator number one, believe that he is this big buff, tatted up guy.

He definitely has tattoos. He definitely has tattoos. That's what we understand from this. Why you got to demean my gains, bro? That's a five star review. I agree. That's a three star. Wait, you're reviewing the reviews. Yeah. Oh, that's right. Got to keep them accountable. Let's jump in.

Would you rather? All right. This question comes in from CJ over on Twitter. Would you rather go to jail for a year or go to jail for the amount of time it takes you to solve a Rubik's Cube? It could be minutes. I'm going to be real honest here, guys. This is a life sentence. If you tell me can I get one side of the Rubik's Cube, I can do that right quick. But I don't know how long it would actually take me to figure that out, Mike. Have you done a Rubik's Cube?

I have no idea. So none of us have done one before. No, I have friends who they claim there's just a simple algorithm and a process that as soon as you know that, you can do it, which I would assume is true claim there's just a simple algorithm yeah and a process that as soon as you know that you can do it which i would assume is true since there's those people that can do do them blindfolded yeah five seconds yeah and i would could you could you learn that algorithm in a year mike i don't know doing it all day long i have well i mean look sometimes you got to work the ground do i get a piece of chalk? Like, can I at least write on the wall and plan this thing out?

This actually matters to me. Al Borland, can I get a clarification? This is like county jail. This is not hardcore prison, right? Because that matters a lot. Because I will go. I mean, percentage. We'll go with county jail.

It's better. Hold on. Do I have to join a gang? I have to. I mean, we'll go with county jail. It's better. Hold on. Do I have to join a gang? I have to. You might. To stay alive. I have to believe. Whatever gang will take you with your Rubik's Cube.

They would see the big shredded tatted guy. Tatted? You've got tats. So I believe in myself. I believe in myself. I believe that I could, if given one year, you've got a lot of downtime, a lot of what we call alone time in jail, I would imagine. And if I can't solve that in a year, what do you do at that point? You go, oh, no no like honestly that oh no

moment would happen on day one it would happen on day one because i'm gonna give it everything i got i'm gonna give six straight hours and you'll know if after six straight hours i'm like this is never this is never gonna happen part of the i would i imagine now I don't know because I haven't been to jail, but I imagine part of what stinks about being in jail or prison is knowing the sentence is X amount of days long. So if you put me in jail and I literally have a Rubik's Cube in front of me that represents my freedom, so if I get lucky and I hit it, they open the door and I walk out.

That would be a lot of hope for me during that period. Now, that hope fades year two, year three, year four. What if you get it all but one dot? You're like, oh, no. Because to move, it's not as simple as just like, oh, well, then just move that one. You've got to move everything to get that one dot right. like oh well then just move that one you you gotta move everything to get that one dot right i feel like man the more that i actually think about the inner workings of a rubik's cube and the inner workings of my mind i think i might take the year i because you know you you know you'll get out

i know i'll get out this is not a life sentence look if that if if shawshank can use a spoon and dig his way out i can solve a rubik's cube and if not i'll tear the stickers off can i can i yeah that's the way i would solve that's cheating you get an extra year um what if you gave everybody in all of our prisons rubik's cubes to get you know all their sentences. How many people would take that? How many people would get out? Well, we'd have very smart criminals

on the release, right? Who gets out? The smart ones. That wouldn't be good, right? Because you can solve a Rubik's Cube makes you smart? I believe so, yes. It's an IQ test?

It seems like. There has to be a level of intelligence to solving an IQ test. It's not just, I mean, you could. I do think it's memorization, though. For those that actually do it, they know all the patterns. As soon as you know how to do it. What do you do after this pattern, after that pattern? Do you get internet time in jail, like, ever?

Oh, you get dial-up. He's trying to cheat. Well, yeah, I'm going to watch YouTube videos and be like, alright, how do I do this? Al, have you solved the Rubik's Cube on your own before? No, I haven't. I'm ordering the Rubik's Cube. What would you do? I want to know what you would do.

Would you take the year? I'd try the cube. I'm going to roll the dice. I'm going to try the cube, and you know what I'm going to do if I can't do it? I'm going to say to myself, I deserve to be in jail. Right. After a year, I deserve to be here. I don't deserve to be part of the public because I can't.

This is my life now. One year of failure. It's either day one or it's never going to happen. Really? I think I would learn slowly. I would learn slowly. But I mean, if you gave me a Rubik's Cube right now while I'm not in jail, and I'm like, I'm going to go hard at this thing. I'm going to solve it.

That's my goal today. There's no way I'm giving it more than 20 minutes. I would be like, okay, this is impossible, and I would quit. But if I've got no other choice because I'm in jail, I would zone in for hours, and it would either happen day one or never, a life sentence or one day. happened day one or never a life sentence or one day so how many days then with your rubik's cube until you just disassemble it and try and turn it into a shank well that would that would happen on day two well this is never gonna happen now i need a weapon if you lose that rubik's cube you're you're done you're there for life you're in trouble trouble. By the way, I am ordering a Rubik's Cube for here. I feel like everybody that can do Rubik's Cubes is listening right now, telling us how easy it is.

Oh, they're smelling their farts right now. Oh, my God. I did that when I was eight. Good for you. I can't. We were busy building this incredible podcast. Aren't you so great brett from the website since in a would you rather question says would you rather be forced to perform open heart surgery on one person it's called a murder or land a jet full of people

oh my word this might be oh my gosh. How few people do you want to kill today? I feel like I've got a much better chance of landing a plane. And don't get me wrong. It's low. I'm not saying I'm going to. Because you don't get any help. You're just. No, you get help.

No, no, no, no. You're landing a plane. I assume, Borland, they're putting you in the cockpit and closing the door. Yep. Sure, but I'm on the radio. I'm saying, hey, they're putting you in the cockpit and closing the door. Yep. Sure, but I'm on the radio. I'm saying, hey, traffic control. No, that's what I'm saying. You get to actually use the radio.

Because if they literally put you in a cockpit. So, wait, do I get nurses around me to cinch up all of these open veins I've caused? Sure, you get a nurse. Doctors don't do open heart by themselves. They don't call the team. I'm more of a freelance. Hold on. I got this.

Give me the room. Clear the room. Give me the room. I've got work to do. Give me the room. It's got to be, if you're landing the jet, you have to be, it's the, not the dream, but that's the daydream scenario of if I'm on a plane and they call, is there a pilot?

And you stand up because you're a hero. I'm going to save the daydream scenario of if I'm on a plane and they call, is there a pilot? And you stand up because you're a hero. I'm going to save the day. You get to throw on the headphones and you get to talk. They get to talk you through the landing. So here's the other part, right? It always works out, too. Think about the afterwards, okay? The afterwards.

Either you've saved this man's life, probably not, in the open heart. No, there's a 0% chance. No, there's a 0% chance. Yeah, there's a 0% chance. Right? He's just dead. Yes. I mean, okay, so I've killed this man. Yes.

And now afterwards, I have to live with that. I have to live with the family. Now, on the other side, you land the plane. You're a hero for hundreds of people. Or, flip side, it don't matter. You're gone. It's a shame. No accountability. i'm going with

them you know what i mean like my life is on the line that's true that's a bonus not like i don't want to live with this afterwards who is that man that just gave my husband heart surgery who is that man running down the street sprinting away however one way or another whether you have to live with it or not you're either killing 300 people no and yourself or you're killing one man no because you're a woman you have a percentage chance to land the jet okay if things go south in either situation of course you are technically you're dead so you don't live with the guilt but you have technically killed more people yeah but look there's a there's a chance that people i could land the plane and people just get minor injuries i'm realizing i think so much of your pilot skills i think that

little of my open heart surgery skills yeah i'm going through my mind like that's more what would i do here's the difference not only what I do. What is supposed to be done? Like, open heart surgery, I don't know what they do. Like, landing a plane, I know what is done. I know that you have to put the wheels out, and your goal is to get... You got to do something with the flaps. Yep. I don't know if it's up to them.

Turn that engine on reverse, or whatever makes the engine go... You just hit the computer button. I know what the goal is. What is the goal of an open heart surgery? Well, I'd be asking the nurses. Am I clearing arteries? This is much like me disabling a bomb. I would have the person opened up.

Oh, you cut the blue wire. And every time I go with the scalpel, I'm looking over at the nurse like, eh? The fact that you're going with a scalpel. And then I over at the nurse like, eh? The fact that you're going with a scalpel. And then I go to the next one. Eh? The next vein. Because it's a series of colored veins, different shapes and colors. I'm a one-tool doctor.

It's always a scalpel. What are you going with? Whatever they tell me. No, no, no. What are you going with there, hotshot? Well, I'm going to use the- I wouldn't use a scalpel. I'd use the what?

I'm going to use the clamps first. The clamps. Give them the clamps. I've got to clamp the clamps first. The clamps. Give them the clamps. I've got to clamp the body cavity open. Yeah, you need the rib spreader. Yeah. Right? You put the wheels down.

You do the flaps. There's some flaps in there. There are definitely flaps. All right. I guess the plane is my best odds. I'm going to die. I'm not going to die in the open hearts. That is true.

That is true. That is true. So, okay. What is your percentage chance of landing the plane? What do you honestly... No jokes. What do you believe? It happens tomorrow? You have to do it tomorrow. We are flying tomorrow.

Oh, gosh. If we have to land that plane, we're going to find out right now which one of us is going to be. I will perform open heart surgery on myself in the plane if one of you two are flying. I give myself a 25% chance. What? Yes. I thought I was going to be very giving and say 2%. Yeah. Because they can...

I honestly think 5% that I can do something with the plane to make us not all die instantly. Right. Maybe. Yeah, I'm going to look for not all die instantly. Right. Maybe. Yeah, I'm going to look for the body of water. I'm going to land it on that. Is that better? I think you'd tear up. Borland, we need a lot of help here.

I love that Jason gave himself a 0% chance of solving a Rubik's Cube and a 25% chance of landing a jet. That is correct. I stand by it. I believe everything I said. Mm-hmm. Look, math checks out on that. That's your pilot's test. The final pilot's test is actually a Rubik's Cube.

You don't have to be a pilot to land a plane. That's the question. All right. We'll move on to the next question. This one also coming from Twitter. Savon. Savon. Undon. Savon. Underscore Savon.

In a fight to the death, would you rather have a sword or a shield? You can now have both, and your opponent gets the opposite. Hmm. I know what I want. I want a sword. I want the shield. Really? Yeah.

No way. Oh, absolutely. Do you believe that you'll be able to use that shield in an aggressive fashion? Look, you... If I'm... Let's say the two of us are... Yeah, let's do it right now. I've got a big, great sword.

One, do you realize how heavy a sword is? You're darn right I do. So, swinging that sword, you are going to... And I would say, let's say seven to ten swings. You are going to be tired. I will be tired of hacking your body apart. No, you won't. Yes, I will. No, see, the weight of the sword, Mike, I will say this, like, it does translate to the impact when it hits you or your shield.

Yes, absolutely. But these are, I'm imagining this is a real shield where it's not just going to break. It's also heavy. Yes. But it's huge. What speed can you actually get if you're swinging a broadsword? Oh, dude, I'm doing full 360s with this broadsword. The swing never ends.

No, you are not. You are doing a 120 at most and falling over. I'm going to get dizzy. And then I take the shield and curse splat. But you're not going to have legs because I'm going for the feet. First thing first, you're going to have to be blocking your shield real low. Just a flesh wound. I'm going to be going to try to take your legs out first, right?

And then you put the shield down. Oh, I'm going up top. You can't change. What he's saying is It's so heavy. Now, swords are crazy heavy. I got the momentum. You're a strong guy. You'd handle a great sword better than most.

I'm not sure about the 360 technique. I don't have tattoos. Is that the sword tornado you're going for? Yes, the swordnado is my move. I've seen this in a cartoon. I just go faster and faster. So, Mike, you're confident you could block, obviously, all of the hits until you tire out. That's what you believe.

One, I'm very confident in that. Two, all I have to do is create a decent amount of space, and I feel like I could charge you. Oh, shoulder. I could shoulder shield. With the shield, and you're not going to be able to do anything about it. I would do a front flip over you and sword right down into your head. I mean, there's no doubt. The world that Jason lives in, Borland.

Jason is now a ninja. Is a world where he does flips, lands planes. Can't solve cubes. Can't solve a cube. Look, I've got my humility in check with the Rubik's Cube. You will flip yourself onto the sword blade and die. Well, I will have to do nothing.

First run. You're going to show me everything that you can do. Check out all these moves. Oh, I'm so tired. You'll be so winded. Here's the thing. I feel like this question is like, would you rather have a gun or a bulletproof vest? Like, I want the thing that kills.

A gun. But a gun is point and shoot. It is not a 40 pound sword. That is the extreme of this example. I can dodge a shield better than I can dodge a sword. Just in pure dodging. Right. So if we're going against each other and I've got a sword with a pointy end,

I don't... Like, are you just playing full turtle in this situation? Let's say I smack you, and you block it. And you block it the first five times. Like, you have to block it at 100% of the time. Right. 100%. You don't block it.

Uh-oh. You've got a sword in you somewhere. That's bad news bears. I really want You've got a sword in you somewhere. That's bad news bears. I really want to get an actual sword in your hand and see how fast you can actually swing the sword. Look, I did stage combat for several years. Okay. With real swords? They were weighty.

What is happening here? I don't know. What is he talking about? Hold on. I've got to add to the cart. What is happening here? I don't know. What is he talking about? All right, hold on. I've got to add to the cart. You did stage combat? We are now comparing a stage prop to a medieval broadsword. Well, now, real quick, to be fair, this question does not say a medieval broadsword.

No, it could be. It's just a regular sword. I don't have to have, like, clouds. William Wallace's great sword doesn't. You don't have to have like clouds. William Wallace's great sword doesn't. You don't have to have that. I can handle a sword that is out there. Now, Mike, does it change if. Well, if you get to pick this up.

What if I'm given a dagger? What if I'm given a dagger? Are you more afraid of me with a dagger than you are of a great sword? Yes. Because I'll get a couple shots. A dagger would be. Yeah, that would be a lot. I'd be able to get something.

If the question was, would you rather have a dagger and your opponent gets a sword, or you get the sword and your opponent gets a dagger, I'm taking the sword 100% of the time. Yeah, I'm taking the sword. But that's a completely different scenario. If you get a sword, and I'm fine, you don't get a broadsword, two-handed broadsword, but you still get a real sword. Yes. I think I could win the fight with the shield.

A katana. Oof. I don't think you should. You would never. Because that's a different type of blade. Yeah, it's great. It's very lightweight. Yeah, we used to have one in our old studio, and we'd go out and slice fruit with it.

You can remember that, guys? A shield or a blow dart gun. Ooh. How many darts 12 12 poisonous darts i've used you've got to be able oh of course you've used one of course i've trained for many years when i was hunting down in the amazon i brought nothing but my blow dart gun what part of what 10 years showed up today on the show that none of us know about? Okay, so. Stage combat and blow dart shooting? Yes, okay, those are two different things.

I was a theater major. You don't think they have stage combat for years? Anyways. No, I don't think that you'd have blow dart experience from being in theater. It does not equate to real combat. No, I get that. My point is I'm... Okay, now you lay down.

This is the part where you drop your shield slightly, and I get in with the sword. It's always so easy. Of course I can land a plane. I was in theater. The blow darts have nothing to do with the stage combat, but my point that I was going to make is I've used a blow dart before.

True. Okay. And I can't hit Jack's squat with it. Okay. So if you tell me that I've got 12 blow darts and you've got a shield right i'm probably not even hitting the shield right so you so i'm back to the sword give me the sword you guys can have everything else you can have a gun you're dead all right that's a great question they didn't teach Rubik's cubes in your theater class, did they?

No, sir. Did they? Jordan on Twitter has a great question for us. If you punch yourself and it hurts, are you really strong or really weak? Oh, that's good. Oh, man. Are you really strong or really weak? So this might be depending on the individual.

But for me, I'm really strong because the punch is going to be so hard that it would hurt anyone. Do you think, Jason, who with this? I don't know where this inflated super ego has come from. I don't know. We're going to test it. Could you punch yourself so hard you could knock yourself out? Oh, I think you could do that. Right?

I don't believe I could do it because of the willpower. The willpower. I think my mind would stop myself. It's like trying to get a splinter out. So your mind is weak. Correct. Your mind is weak, but your body is strong. Now, wait a minute.

Does that make your mind weak or your mind strong? Your mind is overcoming the body. So no matter what, I'm strong. This is the Jason is strong episode. I'm doing flips with my swords and punching myself because I'm so strong, but I'm so strong-minded. Well, I'm jumping off the plane. Oh, of course. Talk and roll.

Man. Have you done the, like, so if my son gets a splinter or something, I could dig it out with a needle, right? Or, like, even we brought up the surgery. Like, look, I'm not going to be good at open-heart surgery, but I'm certainly going to be better doing it on you than on myself. Right. There's something that happens when you know you're causing yourself pain. You're causing yourself to bleed, whatever the case may be. You talked about not being able to overcome that.

Have you had to do that before? Oh, I've had to do many things. That's like the guy in the desert that had to cut his own hand off. Like, I don't feel like I could ever do it, but I'm not in that situation. I haven't had to do that. You haven't had to cut your arm off? No. No, he wasn't in theater.

No. Exactly. So stating the obvious, I haven't had to do that. Have you ever had an ingrown toenail? Not to the degree that you're about to get to. I had chronic ingrown toenails for a long time degree that you're about to get to. I had chronic ingrown toenails for a long time. That's something to be proud of.

Where? This is not a statement of your toenails are so stupid, Mike. That's a weird flex over there, man. So I've had to That was a weird flex over there, man. What's this? So I've had to dig those out.

I've had to. Did you take a shot of whiskey before and put a leather belt in your mouth? No. I was the kid. And I remember as a younger lad, the dentist telling me the roots of your tooth. Like, these are some baby teeth. The roots are gone, but the tooth is not loose. So either you get this out or we have to take it out.

And I remember ripping teeth out. Of yourself? Yes. Because you didn't want them to do it? Yeah. Because you didn't want the little shot. You're a monster. I just was like, I think I can do this.

So a tooth that's not loose at all just found a little lip. And the roots were gone. That's so horrifying. I think you like hurting yourself. Oh, my gosh. I got it done, man. But it's funny. It's funny because we've got Ron Swanson over here.

Yeah, the question is, are you really strong and really weak? I want to know why it's in our male DNA to just lie about whether something hurts. Here's the truth. If you punch yourself and it hurts, or if you're punched and it hurts, it hurts regardless of whether you say it hurts, right? That's just a fact, an objective truth. You punch me, it hurts.

But if I say it hurts, I am weak. But it hurts regardless of if I say it hurts, I am weak. But it hurts regardless of whether I say it hurts. It does not take a very hard punch for something to hurt. Despite this episode being full of me building myself up, I have no problem admitting when I hurt. I hurt myself all the time. You pulled a knee on a recent episode. Yes, I did.

We got a new furniture set for our bedroom. And the footboard of the bed kind of has this thing that comes out. Like the wood comes out a little bit into a corner. I keep hitting the same spot. Oh, my gosh. He's got the bruise. He's got a bruise on his leg that looks horrendous. Because it's not close to the same spot that you hit.

And you must have hit it the same time five times. I'm taking this bruise. I'm like, again. Again. Yes, sir. May I have another? But I don't have any problem admitting that I am weak when I am hurt. Which, for the record, has never happened.

All right. Blink182 Dudette on Reddit. You awaken standing on a stage in front of a podium with no recollection of how you got there and no sign of what the event is about with thousands of people awaiting your speech. What do you talk about? I've got a good one.

Three words. I just say three words. That's it. What is it? Introducing Jason Moore. And then you run off. And I step off the stage. No matter if he's there or not.

Loophole, baby. Man. Okay, so Jason, you're on the stage now. You can't introduce anyone else because you've just been introduced. So what would I discuss? So this is in front of a podium. This seems very... It's very official.

Very official. Thousands of people awaiting my speech. I'd like to thank my teachers. No, I would announce that I'm running for president of the United States. Ooh. I mean, how often do you get the platform with thousands of people to announce my candidacy for the president of the United States of America? Please download the Spitballers podcast.

Take out your phone. If you want to know what I believe in, and you want to know how strong I am, and my abilities with planes and swords. Let me make it clear. I've been in theater. Well, hold on. So you're announcing you're running for president. Yes.

Yes, sir. Well, very common then you go into some sort of stump speech or your platform. So, I mean, people would – they're waiting. What platform are you running on? Oh, I'm running on the platform of change. Okay. Okay.

Not – I will never specify what it's going to be. Oh, no. This is good. I would never say what it's going to be oh no this is good i would never say what aren't you tired of it i'm tired of it all and here's the thing honestly can i talk to america for a second yes please do look there are certain things that that we like there are certain things that everybody likes in america and those are the things that i'm going to bring more up those are the things i'm going to build up i'm going to bring more up. Those are the things I'm going to build up. I'm going to say to people that the things you love about America

I will make those things more and more. More meatballs! All of the things that you guys are so frustrated with, I'm going to get rid of them. That's my stump speech. And you know what? I think it could work. It could? Have any of you out there ever felt happy or sad before?

I will make you happy and I will remove your sadness. I will never specify any political anything. I will, you know, what do you think on immigration? You know, I think that what the people think about immigration is right. And I think that what you're thinking in your head right now, what you've been frustrated with is exactly what I've been frustrated with. You're right. It is. And now, Mike, I'm going to change it for you.

Okay. You wake up, but the audience, these thousands of people, they are mid-applause or laughter. So you just did something. You don't know what you did. Where do you go from there? Does that change anything?

Give them your next one-liner. Because the last one worked. If people are applauding, I would probably naturally go right into a Mick Jagger rooster strut around the stage. And just see how long it can last. Dude, there would be a lot of it. I promise. I know you well enough to know.

The applause has died down. and I'm just still going. But do you want to know how you're going to get it back? Super smashing that air guitar. Just one strum. Just one. You know? Didn't you, like, win an air guitar contest? I did not win.

I was robbed, but I did enter. I've seen the video. I did enter an air guitar contest. I've seen it, And I was awesome. Yeah. It's a thing. This reminds me of, do you remember Black Sheep, right, Jay? Oh, yes.

The classical Chris Farley. Classic. When he just runs out and he just starts throwing phrases out. Yeah. That's one small step for man. Oh, get the cliches. Yes. Oh, yeah.

All the quotes. That's what my platform is based upon. Everything you love. Just do it. You just start throwing. I'm loving it. Alright. Oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh. You're going to like the way you look. I guarantee it. I guarantee it. I guarantee it. All right, let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. Oh, no. So we are back in the realm of our occasional battle royales, my friends.

We are – we've been dropped off at an office supply store. A Staples, an office man. Yes, yes. And it's time to go to battle. I mean, it's time to go to war. You better hope they don't have swords. No swords, no shields, yeah. Now, I have the first pick in this draft.

Oh, no. Now, I don't know what your mental state is, either of you. I have no idea what to draft in this draft. Oh, no. Now, I don't know what your mental state is, either of you. I have no idea what to draft in this draft. I have been given a heads up before the draft. It's like Borland's like, all right, you know what we're doing, right? We're doing this office battle royale. Make sure you think of a couple things. I've pulled up a couple office supply websites because, I mean,

maybe there's something I'm forgetting. There's not. There's not. There's not. Yeah. It's just office supplies. So I have to go to war with you. I'm going to go with what my default answer was before I even thought about it, the only thing that pops into my head.

And it could be the wrong answer. It could be the right answer. At least I know that it will work. I'm taking scissors. Yeah. I'm taking – oh, so I picked the right thing? Oh, sure. That's on the list. Okay. I'm taking scissors because I'm taking... Oh, so I picked the right thing? Oh, sure. That's on the list.

I'm taking scissors because I know how to use them. I'm not worried about what I'll do next when I pick up a pair of scissors. I will run with them. I will run with these scissors. I will run with them. Dangerous prospects. So I'm taking scissors as

my number one pick, and we'll see where we go. We do not encourage the children out there listening to run with scissors. No, absolutely. Or to land planes or play with swords. Do we need a disclaimer? Can I have a miniature aside here? I'm a presidential candidate, Mike. I've got to watch what I say now.

Quick question. You're both dads. I'm a dad. Yeah. Have your kids tried to run with scissors before? Yes. Have you told them don't run with scissors? Of course.

How do you hold scissors when you... Point in. You hold the blades. Now, do you hold the blades... Point in. Point in to me is like you hold it where the point... You don't hold by the handles. You hold by the blades.

Now, I've always heard that, right? But is that with the blades facing you or facing out? I guess... I guess they're the same, right? Because I'm trying to think, if my child falls with a pair of scissors, how do I want them holding the scissors? Yeah, blade down, handle up. But holding... Oh.

But by the... Oh. Like stabbing position. It's stabbing position. Exactly right. Thank you. But also, blades closed. Otherwise...

Man, it's going to hurt. Once again, being careful to clarify. Mike, you're on the clock. I better give you this pick. I'm giving it to you. Scissors was one of the top ones, and the only other one that I could possibly think of. I will take a utility knife.

Dang it. A box cutter was next on my list. Borland, that brings this to mind. Now, that's totally an acceptable pick. If something is drafted here today because we're desperate, because we're in trouble, can you please buzz in if it's completely ineligible for an office supply store? Will do. Thank you.

Because I have a feeling that might happen. I will take a sword. I will take an assault rifle. An office sword, of course. Hey, we had swords at our last office. It's true. Did you buy them at Staples? I did not.

Oh. They did not have any swords. All right. You get back-to-back picks, Jay. This could be a really great moment for you. I get back-to-back picks, and what I was really looking forward to was either the scissors or a box cutter. So those are gone. May need to go shield.

I am going to go shield, but I'm going to go offensive shield. I'm going to go with an item that gives me a little bit of weight, a little bit of distance, and I can swing it around and has been a very popular weapon used as a weapon. It better not be the one I just thought of. In wrestling for a long time. Oh, that's a great pick. I'm taking a folding chair. Okay.

Okay. I'll smack you right on the back, and I'll watch you go down while I look around for the referee. I will be slightly bruised. You're darn right I will. On strike one. If I've learned anything from wrestling, it's that people can be hit in the head with a steel chair, but they're actually okay. That's fake, Mike. Yeah, I know.

That's what I mean. Mine will be real. And then, man, so for my next pick, I'm going to go with the first thing I thought of, which is really dumb. Okay. But when this got presented, I'm like, what would I grab? What would I want? I'm thinking about the aisles and I actually know like this would be a

good weapon I have one it's not gonna be it's too stupid you would not pick this but I have one at my home if I could have that one you're all in trubs it's a power strip with a 10-foot cord.

Okay. So it's almost like a mace. Oh, that's pretty innovative. I mean, it's got the long cord. Oh, and then you're whipping it around. With the heavy thing at the end. And yeah, it's like a mace, a whip with a ball and chain at the end. And I'm just smacking you from distance.

That's not bad. That's not bad at all. It's not as good as my next pick. Oh, no. I will take a fire extinguisher. Oh. Yes. That's a very good pick. I'll have to close my eyes for a second. He might hit you with it.

Oh, shoot. You realize I don't... That's pretty hard. He might hit you with it rather than spray you and put your fire out. I like that, Jason. Oh, no. In a fight, I might have to close my eyes and not be able to see for a period of time. I run hot.

This will feel real nice, Mike. Box cutter. Wow. Okay. So you've got box cutter and you've got fire extinguisher. Yeah, that's... Those are great. I'm tapped out.

Jason, you have... I have a folding chair and a long cord power strip. Which is... I think that's a good pick. It is. I really do. Because that gives you some distance. You get the right cord on that?

Mm-hmm. I know one of my two picks. I'm not positive where I'm going with the second one. I have scissors so far. I'm going to go with duct tape. I'm going to go with duct tape. Are we good there? Oh, yeah. Mike and I are thrilled. I'm going to go with duct tape. I'm going to go with duct tape. Are we good there? Mike and I are thrilled.

I'm going to tie you up with it. What do you mean? Let me just say this. If you're at the place where you can already tie us up, if that has happened, I guess I'm dead already. Are we fighting to the tie up?

Well, I think what we do is we give him a two minute head start where he can do whatever he wants while we stand there. And he just wraps us. How are you going to wrap us up when we're trying to not let you wrap us up? The way I view this is I we're at war. I don't know. Are you taking a hostage?

I might need to, I might need to get information out of you. Are you taking a hostage? I might need to. I might need to get information out of you. And you know why? I'm going to tie you up and I'm going to put your head in a paper shredder. That's my second pick. I'm taking a paper shredder. It's as good as your lawnmower. You bet it. I love these blades that are not

going to hurt you. Give me your fingers. Give me your hands going in. I'll feed it beard first, Mike. You're getting sucked in with the beard. Is the beard strong enough to actually activate it? You're darn right it might be.

You're darn right it could be. Alright. Mike, you're back on the clock. Okay. This is so stupid. Okay okay i am taking some ranged items i am going to take coffee mugs coffee mugs yeah okay i'm gonna take porcelain coffee mugs and they sell those of course they sell those. I know they sell coffee.

I did look at Al Borland briefly when you said it. Because just to think of what we think of as a general office supply, I'm not sure coffee mugs are quite in that category, but it's 100% up to Borland. I feel like I can get those at Staples, and I can either throw them at you, which whatever, or I can smash them. I can create some sort of- Oh, like a porcelain trap?

Like a porcelain minefield to protect myself. Really? If only we didn't have shoes. Hey, look. I will take that duct tape, and I will stick some of those shards on there, and then I'll have a little porcelain whip. Oh, you don't need a whip. What if I were you?

I would tape them to my hands. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that. All right. I'm going to have to put you on tilt here. I checked OfficeMax and Staples, and neither of them have coffee bars in-store for pickup. They have them available for order, but not in-store. You got to be at the store.

So Mike has nothing. He drafted nothing. Oh, that is fantastic. Wait, so does that mean I have to re-pick? Yes. You got to be at the store. So Mike has nothing. He drafted nothing. Oh, that is fantastic. Wait, so does that mean I have to re-pick? Yes, you have to re-pick. You don't just get three things while we go. However. How is there a photo of a coffee mug on this website?

Because it's showing what a person at an office would have when they bring these supplies to them. They're like, wouldn't you like to have this coffee mug go to Starbucks? So you will obviously the rules are the rules. If you make another ineligible pick, you have to skip your draft selection. Right. Which would be the equivalent of getting duct tape.

Dude, I don't know. I'll give a... That changed quick. Whatever. Throwback okay, whatever. Throwback to the warehouse. I will also take batteries again. Oh, okay. All right, that's your projectile?

Yeah. All right. I knew that was coming, too. I knew batteries was going to be drafted by Mike. He's got a thing for batteries. They're great. All right, so I am going... Man, we're

really scraping the bottom of the barrel here. Can I draft an IT guy? What are those... I don't know if you want one, but if you do get one, I am tying him up and extracting information. I'll bet he could duct tape the IT guy.

I will duct tape the heck out of that guy. What are you doing? Please stop that. That hurts my arm here. Do you have Kenneth? You captured Kenneth? He's my meat shield. My meat shield. Alright, Mike and his shields. Alright, so I'm on the clock.

Let me read you my list of things. Letter, oh, oh. The ones you're thinking of, like a letter opener for example. Folding chair, box cutter. I've got to get two here is that right you do you could just take like a do they have like an office break uh couch that you could just lay down and give up i'm going to take a uh what are what are those large are they called a magnum the the flashlights a pistol do they sell those yeah there's flashlights at yeah flashlights. A pistol. Do they sell those? Yeah, there's flashlights. Yeah, flashlights, but not like an actual security flashlight.

We're not at a Lowe's. We're not at a Home Depot. Al Borland can verify. You're talking about a mag light, but let me look. Yeah, I mean, you know, a heavy-duty flashlight. I believe they sell those at an office store, and I think that Al Borland's going to tell me if I just grabbed my very own coffee mug.

Yeah. I feel like the chance of them having a coffee mug is higher than them having a weaponized flashlight. A Magnite is not looking good for you, Jake. It's not looking good for me. This is good. Suddenly, duct tape doesn't look so bad, does it, boys? Can't find a pick, can you, boys? All right.

Look, it's no box cutter and it's it's no scissors but i am going to take a letter opener because that is okay just so you can have something i can still stab you with it and if we know anything my swordsmanship is well you'll be doing flips yes i will be flipping over you i have no doubt straight down into the skull. Real quick, I did find a heavy-duty flashlight at office detail. Oh, yes! If you want it, you can have it. I want my mag light. So that's your second pick?

Yes. Oh, baby. Oh, crap. Yeah, that's going to... Cool. You've got a single flashlight that you can shine light at me. Okay. You're going to hit me with it.

Remember the fire extinguisher? You're going to hit me with it. It's the same thing. I'm not looking to blind you. I'm looking to smack you across the head. Except I can actually wheel a flashlight. Wheeled. You can wheel it around?

How big is this thing? So just to get a lay of the land, Jason, what is your current roster? My completed roster is a, let's see here. is a uh let's see here i went with a folding chair uh an extension cord power strip a mag light and a letter opener and i and and just for the record i will be killing you both okay uh i will not be killing you i will be capturing you. I will be capturing you. Mike. You will be a permanent hostage. You will suffer. Yes. You will suffer for years.

Okay. With the duct tape. I am taking an all-purpose cleaner. I'm taking spray bleach. Okay. Okay. Okay. That's funny.

I almost went back to the well from our like- Is that a grocery store? No, that was- Oh, that was the hardware store. Did you take bleach in that one? I sure did. And you made fun of me profusely. Yeah.

Well, because this... Mine's in a spray bottle. Cool. Cool. Spray bleach. Got it. So your team then? Your finished roster?

I have no idea. What did I get? Borland? Mike's got a utility knife, a fire extinguisher, batteries, and spray bleach. That's not bad. That's a pretty good team. I think I can actually do something. Yeah. And what do I have?

You have scissors, duct tape, paper shredder. Okay. And you don't need another pick. Take Kenneth the IT guy. Look, I was going to go with a paper cutter because they have that really long blade. You can cut like a big piece of paper.

But... You have to run at people just chomping it. Look, all of my roster is built around capturing you and then torturing you. That is my guillotine. However, I already have my guillotine in the paper shredder. Yes. And I need a ranged weapon.

And so I'm going to draft padlocks. I'm going to take those padlocks that you might put on a file cabinet or on a desk the big heavy padlocks because I think they're going to hurt more than Mike's batteries I really do

what would hurt more a battery or a padlock a padlock probably would but are you going to be as accurate throwing them let me see he checked I will be just as accurate throwing them. They're weird. Let me see. Yes, I would. Yep. He checked. I checked. Okay. I will be just as accurate. They are not balanced like a

batter. Do you want to know what they want? But guess what they can do? Lock people up? Yeah, I'm going to lock you up afterwards. We're going to be duct taped and then we will be locked somewhere. Yeah, I'm going to do a whole saw thing too. You're going to have to put yourself into the paper shredder on my command. I'm getting morbid. When you guys throw the batteries and the locks at me,

they will not hurt my chair that will be blocking them all. Yeah, that's true. It's Mike's shield, and he already said a shield is the best weapon in the world. Well, this one was a very difficult situation. I really hope I don't have to kill you guys at an office supply store anytime soon. Any initial reaction from you there, Borland? Anything we left off the list that you were like, man, Brooks, Borland, glaring omissions?

Brooks thinks you should have taken glue or rubber cement. Oh, that's a nice one. Maybe like a filing cabinet. I did think about pushing one filing cabinet down. Yeah, I thought about a filing cabinet. Would a rolling office chair be useful at all? You could have gone all chair.

You should have done that. Brooks is also setting up booby traps with thumbtacks all over the floor. Thumbtacks is a nice twist. I actually really like thumbtacks. Like, to use them. They're very valuable. You can hang things on the wall or on cork boards. Thumbtacks. Like, to use them. What does that mean? They're very valuable. You can hang things on the wall or on cork boards.

Thumbtacks are great. Endorsing office pride. I just think they're very useful. Look, I'm going to kick this off. What did you learn today? I learned that apparently you learn every life skill you need in theater. I learned that. I did not know that.

I also think that I learned that there is 10 years missing from Jason's life story that I learned about today on the show. So, Mike, did you learn anything today? I learned an office supply store is actually a very safe place to be. And I learned that I will be running for president of the United States of America. And you know what? Can I be honest with you? Yeah.

I love the platform. Everything you said made sense to me. Yeah. I'm a man of the people. See you later. Thank you for listening. We'll see you next time. Goodbye.

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