Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 56: Disposable Bicycles and the Best Fast Food Menu Items - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 15, 2019

Today, we announce an exciting new way to support the show and join the new #Spitwad community! Plus, you will get access to our FULL PODCAST ARCHIVE, ad-free, forever! Would you rather always talk like a toddler or walk everywhere like you’re in a marching band? Would you rather have to start every conversation with a joke or an interesting science fact? We also find out Andy’s methods for solving a flat bicycle tire. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!   Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, Spitwads, we've got a great episode of the podcast for you today. Isn't that right, Jason? It's so good. We want to invite you to check out spitballerspod.com and become an official Spitwad, a supporter of the podcast, and you get access to all sorts of good stuff, especially the full archive of this show. You know, we talk to people all the time that binge

this show do you want every episode that has ever been made and do you want to listen to it seven or 800 times each yes is the answer to that question and you could do that by becoming an official spit wad visit spitballerspod.com and i personally think the best the best feature your what you give us there to have on this show what you submit we're gonna look at those questions first there yep every would you rather situation room segment idea we're looking we're looking at you so check it out spitballerspod.com What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Oh, man. That was a textbook definition of a man who's like, this is terrible, so I'm just going to keep going

and going. You delayed it? And like, maybe it will be awesome by the end of it, but it was terrible. If I could have muted the end of it, I would have. When do we stop this bit? What bit? Well, my point is- The show?

We're never stopping. We're never stopping. When are we stopping this stupid show? You can just do a normal scat. You don't have to be inventive every time. I don't think it's true. The iPhone came out. It was really cool.

They don't invent a brand new iPhone every time. They just iterate a little bit. A little skeet, a little scat, a little boop, a little bap. Looks like you're up next week. I was going to say, or Mike and I can just handle it. Yeah, that's perfectly fine. If you're still with us, thank you. Thank you so much for enduring.

We have a great show today. Would you rather? That's a great question, a fun draft on the episode. You heard it at the top of the show. We've got a brand new Patreon set up, patreon.com slash spitballers. You can also find it at spitballerspod.com. Become an official member of the spit. Become an official spitwad.

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You guys, Mike has something to say. I do. Well, I mean, the beginning of a show is usually where you put news. And ladies and gentlemen, there are some sensational new segments that will be joining the Spitballers podcast in future episodes. I call liar, liar. Pants on fire, Mike.

Oh, foreshadowing. We do. We have some new segment ideas. Al Borland, hard at work, mentally coming up with. That's him drilling them together. Al Borland, hard at work, mentally coming up with... That's him drilling them together. With some new ideas. That's how you make podcast segments, with power tools.

Yes, you do. Let's get into it. Would you rather... All right, Ricky. Ricky from Twitter. Ricky almost got a spit take from me because I hadn't read the question. I haven't read it yet. I just did. Would you rather always sound like you're going through puberty

or always walk like you are in a marching band? That's good. Now, I'm going to throw this to Al Borland. Many people don't know this because we don't allow Al Borland to talk about himself. Al Borland was a band nerd. He was a card-carrying member of the marching band. Oh, really? Now, Al Borland, in the marching band, does everyone have the same march,

or do the people at the front have a bit of a different march? If you're doing it right, everybody should have the same march. Okay, because in my head, I'm picturing the music man. Are they the most proud at the front? The drum majors, I guess, they do usually have a higher step. It's a little more gusto to it, right? Yeah. Okay.

And that's just so I can visualize this, right? That's the, like, full knee high. Like, every step is like a... I believe your arms would be up, too, right? Your arms are up holding your instrument. Your upper body is actually not moving. Right. It's all in the leg. But it's, like, be up too, right? Your arms are up holding your instrument. Your upper body is actually not moving. Right. It's all in the leg.

But it's like really high knees, right? Medium knees. Al Borland, we need the expert in here. There's just a strong cadence to it. Yeah, I mean, as a member of a marching band, not a drum major or conductor, you're not real high knees. You're just marching time. Oh, see, I thought it was like full 90 degree angle with the hip into the leg.

Would you enjoy, like if you were walking into a Starbucks and out of a Starbucks, would you feel real proud with the marching band walk? Not at all. Okay. So the other option is to sound like you're always going through puberty. Oh, man. Now, I can speak and testify to the fact that before I went through puberty, I tried to sound like I had the deep voice. Oh, no. You imitated it?

There was a couple years. I was a late bloomer. And there were a couple years where if I spoke publicly, like in a group, I felt like I had to make my voice a little bit deeper. Because I was so. You can laugh at me now, but it sucked. I mean, as a child? You were a very... No, look, we all lived that life.

I was a... Andy was a late bloomer. Have you ever seen Indian in the Cupboard? That's how big I was. It was so... It's so weird. I was real small. You were the size of an action figure?

That's correct. I have no idea how correct that is. I went to high school with him. I was a junior when he was a freshman. And I was a kindergartner when I was a freshman. And Andy, how tall are you now? You're 6'2", 6'3"? I think you're 6'3".

He's the tallest. The most common thing that we get when we do our live shows and we see fans, they are always, oh, you're taller than I thought. They always say that. Yes, they do. And what's crazy is that in high school, you were literally the shortest person. We had 4,000 people at our high school. I can't remember someone shorter than you.

I was real little. And everybody would tell me, you're going to get tall one day. And I said, don't care. I don't believe. Want to be tall now. I believe you said, I don't care. I don't believe. So the puberty thing will be abrasive every new conversation you have.

100% of the time, people will think you're saying something to them in one way, and it will come out, hey, I get a caramel. Let's just keep the Starbucks example. You're either marching in for your Vinte Latte Frappuccino. You're the character from The Simpsons. Or, hey, Vinte Margarita. Well, it's not that frequent. I mean, I guess there's the some people.

Yeah. Oh, man. They happen a lot when your voice is transitioning. Guys, I'm very distracted because all i could picture is the video from from the music man of 76 trombones because the people at the front of this marching band they are they are giving extra so i'm imagining myself just going to town and you know what it would be awesome if you were this person and you could live in this life of such jubilation that no matter where you're going, you are strutting, it could be a –

So you want the strut. You want the strut. Not only am I taking the marching band, I'm taking the man who is extra at the front, and he is the leader of this group. Stealing the show. There is no show. At least with the puberty one, everything can be normal

if you don't speak. And the other one, how long is your wife going to give up on the walks? Let's go to the mall. Let's go to Disneyland. You're walking around Disneyland 100% of the time in your strut. I actually think Disneyland would be fine.

Because you're walking around like i am at disneyland a funny aside true story uh i hide me when i walk no about disneyland uh one year i don't remember if if alborn was on this trip or not but we i traveled with a choir i was part of the of the band and we went part of the trip you know is the reward is you get to go disneyland you went to california you put in all the hard work of of singing and playing the music in it but disneyland freak storm out of absolutely nowhere it's now freezing at disneyland which no one was expecting. And for some reason, because we're buffoons, and this is what we did when we were kids, the three of us in the band, we all had bathrobes.

And we decided we're going to wear our bathrobes to Disneyland, which says a lot about who we are as people. But what we didn't realize is everyone we would encounter believed we were working for Disney. So we became an attraction that people wanted to take their photo with these three bizarre young gentlemen all wearing matching blue bathrobes. So that's a pro tip. As if you were like a character or something? Yes.

If you march, you have to lean in. You might as well wear the the high button up uh look like you're part of the uni the revolutionary war or something give me one of those hats the marching band hat is where is at uh official vote then you're you're strutting oh yes i will strut with the best of them i i don't know if you know this i do podcasts yeah for a living and i do you i think that this would not be helpful for the downloads. You're maturing. I'm going to be a man soon.

Here's a new question. Would you rather be a competitor on a reality show, so things like Survivor, Big Brother, or a competitor on a game show, Wheel of Fortune, Price is Right, et cetera? I have this great fear that even if I was like, Mike, we talk about Price is Right. You've got like Jeopardy out there. You've got these other game shows.

I am so worried that my brain will not function properly when I need it to. It will not. And I won't be able to recall. I'm not worried about not recalling a complex question and failing. I'm worried about being the guy on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire that bombs question one. What's closer, the sun or the moon? Yes, yes. And then I start getting in my own head.

The sun? I do a 50-50 and phone a friend, and I still pick the wrong thing. Sir, this is the first question. The shame. I'm worried about the panic moment of not recalling. That's not really your final answer, correct? But then I'm worried about the panic moment of not recalling that's not really your final answer correct but then i'm worried about being are you sure i wouldn't be so sure but how do you feel the thing about being voted out first on survivor would suck too yeah well the

thing about the game show i guess if you're the first out on the on the reality show it throws a wrench in this argument the game show life like price is right i mean people spend a lot of time trying to get on this show one you have to make it into the studio audience second you have to actually get picked and then when you do your your time in the spotlight is very minimal. Those Price is Right games last sometimes two minutes or less. But if you're on Big Brother or Survivor, you're getting some good camera time. You're letting America know. You wear your Spitballers t-shirt every day.

You're letting America know I'm the next superstar. Have you guys seen this documentary about the Price is Right guy? Of course I've seen it. The perfect bid. The perfect bid. So there's this guy. I've seen Right guy? Of course I've seen it. The perfect bid. The perfect bid. So there's this guy. I've seen it as well. We've all seen it.

Because it's fantastic. It is awful. No, it's great. It's awful. It's the worst. So here, catch people up if you haven't seen it. There's this guy who dedicated his life to basically learning every single item that's on Price is Right. Exactly how much its value is,

because they would recycle and bring back the same items. So he knew the exact price of almost every single bid. He would go there. He tried to get on the show like 26 times, finally gets on, knows all the answers, helps other people to get the answers. A documentary is made about him because he spent 30 years of his life dedicated to Price is Right at the end of all of it including them undoing a rule after 20 years of he can be back on the show he walked away from the Price is Right with $1,000 like that was it that was my takeaway it was like I couldn't wait for the big reveal. What I'm saying, it's awesome. I wasn't referring to the challenge or the life goals. The documentary itself is very enjoyable. If you go on Survivor and you don't win, you just blew like two months of your life.

Like it's gone. You're famous, aren't you? No, you're not famous. You're the loser. You're the loser. You got to go into lockdown. Full lockdown. They sequester you.

You've got all these months you spent going to this island. And you smell like a butt when you leave that island. Did Omarosa, is that her name? Did she ever win? I don't know her name. What are you talking about? I don't know. That was the...

You're fired. I can't even think of the name of the show now. But I mean, I guess she won because she became... Talking about The Apprentice? Yes, thank you. So famous that I don't remember her. Whatever. But she... I mean, she got a...

I feel like she got work because of the show. So I'm going to go... Because I'm such a Survivor fan, I will go on the reality show. I want to experience what I've watched for 20 years or whatever it is and see what I can do i feel like it's a better challenge than catching the wrong question on a game show i can't wait for andy when he has to do the confessional he's talking to the camera i've made a huge mistake there's spiders everywhere i thought i could do this i'm going i'm gonna i'm going to pick the reality show as well because...

Which one are you going on? Oh, man. If I were to pick the biggest loser... Yes. I might not win, but I want that personal training on the fat farm, whatever they call it. Oh, wait, what?

I've never watched it. You go to this place where you are... That's what they call it? Probably not. Okay, all right.'ve never watched it. You go to this place. That's what they call it? Probably not. Okay, all right. But it's awesome. I want to go to that place where they're like secluded. No, you don't.

No, you don't. Essentially, you want the results of it. I want to be forced to go to it. That's what I would be. I've made a huge mistake. I'm going on Price is Right, man. There you go. Yeah, that would fulfill a I've made a huge mistake. I'm going on Price is Right, man. There you go. Yeah, that would fulfill a dream of yours.

It would. If I could pick one show, it would actually probably be a game show. I would love to play the Family Feud. That game. Yeah. We got to get the footballers with Borland. Because you need five, right? Yeah.

And the spitballers. Brooks can come. With Borland and Giamatti, the two producers. Well, I mean, we should be on the celebrity version, right? That's what I'm talking about. We're spitballers. Brooks can come. With Borland and Giamatti, the two producers. Well, I mean, we should be on the celebrity version, right? That's what I'm talking about. We're not a family. There are dozens and dozens of people who listen to this show. They're called spitballers.

All right. Big pun on Twitter. Since in this Would You Rather question, would you rather have to start every conversation with a joke or have to start every conversation with an interesting science fact science fact for sure oh it's got to be the joke no science fact look i know it's going to be annoying to people but that means i know so much about science see that's the issue welcome to mcdonald's by the way did you know that about half your body is made of bacteria yeah i will take a uh quarter pounder if you lived on, you would actually weigh 35 pounds.

Now I hate you. I mean, that's what the... By you taking the science fact, that means, oh, that guy. You know what I mean? But if every time you came up, you told me a joke, and I was like, oh, that's a good one. I would... Okay, first of all, every science fact is great. Not every joke is remotely good that's true that is that is true as as one who throws out many jokes do you have to laugh

at your joke oh yeah that's true well if your joke doesn't land you're forced to like you have you have no there's no question you got to laugh at own joke. I don't think either person is going to be married or have friends. The joke person is going to be beloved by all. The science person is going to be beloved. Oh, man. This is science versus jokes. Hey, Jason. How you doing?

Did you know a single solar flare can release the equivalent energy of millions of 100 megaton bombs? Yeah, that sounds awesome. Meanwhile, here comes jace was why'd the chicken cross the road knock knock oh man you know how many things you're gonna open with a knock knock joke and you're just gonna get punched in the face i don't now here's the thing if i were to say knock knock to you and you punched me in the face i don't want to be your friend and that's fine friendship is over i would never punch someone in the face for don't want to be your friend and that's fine friendship is over i would never punch someone in the face for saying it's the every conversation and we're around you this is

not just how many times a day do we start a conversation let me let me throw this out there if you're a funny person you can make these jokes enjoyable even when they're bad a la mike right we enjoy your jokes even though sometimes and so i think that i will not annoy you i think you will have a great time and it's always a conversation starter i'm i'm the jokester i'm taking the jokes you're taking science mike absolutely you're gonna be the science factoid guy i will be friends with both of you simultaneously and it will balance out i'm trying to find find a situation in my life where if you start the conversation, a science fact would just – you can't find something relatable to this person or this conversation.

But there are going to be many, many times where opening with a joke is not going to be appropriate. That's true. That's true. Every conversation you have at the... Go to the funeral. Yeah. Let's modify it just a little bit.

How about you have, instead of a joke, it's all knock-knock jokes all the time. And then the other side of it is, all your science facts are depressing. They're all Debbie Downer facts, or it's all knock-knock jokes. Does it change your... The hole in the ozone over Australia is rapidly growing at a rate of five inches a year.

That's right. That's right. The pollution, once again. There is no way you're going to get me off the jokes. The 10-year trend of Los Angeles pollution. You're on knock-knock jokes? I'm on knock-knock jokes. All right.

I will go with science facts, and the only reason I will do that is because when I say a joke that doesn't land, I hate that feeling. I hate that embarrassment for the moment. So let's go ahead and get into some questions. That's a great question. Hey, guys. What? What has four wheels and flies? Oh, no.

Four wheels and flies. I don't know. wheels and flies? Oh, no. Four wheels and flies. I don't know. A garbage truck. Oh, yeah. We're best friends. It's funny-ish. It's kind of funny. It took me a second.

It's got flies all around it. Yeah. Yeah, it's dumb. Woof. Macy from Twitter has a great question, guys. Let's debate it. During a zombie apocalypse, which we're all very familiar with, what is the very best place to bunker down?

I think we've seen so many post-apocalyptic zombie movies, and we always question the decisions made by the parties involved. What is the best place to hunker down? So the first thing that comes to my mind is Costco. You got like a big warehouse. You've brought this up before. This is the first time I've heard that. You're a dawn of the dead person.

You have to be prepared. Well, you're finding a place where it's full of resources, but it's not secure in the slightest, and you feel confident that you could secure that place. There's still, even despite the size, there's still only a few entrances, right? You've got the front doors, which are large. I've got to seal that down. You've got the back entryway for loading whatever docks or whatever, and probably an exit door here or there.

And the hundreds of people who also had the same idea i need to go hunker down at the the costco and they're going to be trying to get in with the zombies and i and i will say if you were you were second i got here first the food and then potential weaponry at a costco is great but you're right the human versus human situation we've done Costco is great. But you're right. The human versus human situation. We've done the drafts before where you're stuck in an office supply store or a Home Depot or something. And it gets dangerous. I mean, what do you think is more of the... Now, do zombies swim?

See, that's... Or do they just walk? I think they just walk underwater. Well, can't you... They can't you they can't because they'd float yeah you there's floating i mean they would float over to you because they're not gonna drown it depends on the tides man it depends on the tide so let's say the tide is going out great you're safe but it changes and now it's coming in and now you got some zombies on your put me in a put me in a prison put me in alcatraz. Alcatraz was my first thought.

I was thinking about it. But then here's the problem with Alcatraz. Resources. You have the complete opposite problem. You're safe, but you do not have resources. Yeah, you don't. You can't. In fact, you just die there very quickly.

You won't eat me. I will starve to death. We will eat ourselves. So what do you think is more What do you think is more important? The security or the resources? Like if you have to pick one of those two. I believe... Are we traditional zombies here?

I mean, this question is just multifaceted. Walkers or runners? The thing is if they're walkers, I feel like the resources are more important and I can devise enough of a defensive... And maybe I'm wrong. I'll find out quickly if they eat me, but I feel like you can devise a few things to stop the walkers from getting to you, so I would want the resources. I want to be able to survive and have a system of life where, okay, they can get in over here, but I've got a fence.

They can get in over here, but I've got a, you know. Man. They're so stupid. I mean, I guess you've got to take your chances with the resources. I feel like you could stand at a wall with a spear and just knock them all out until they're off the earth. 100%. You can take care of the zombies, no problem,

as long as you have a secure fence. True. But it's the human element. The human element is really the problem. Competing with one another. I want to see this take place at one of those monk establishments at the top of the mountain where there's just this super long staircase. Oh, and the zombies have to climb the staircase?

And they climb up, and then you just give them a kick. You go, everyone loves a slinky. And they just tumble down, causing a massive... And that's just your job, is you stand up them a kick. You go, everyone loves a Slinky. And they just tumble down, causing a massive. And that's just your job is you stand up at the top. That's called the Zlinky, Jason. Oh. The Zlinky. The Zlinky.

Everyone loves a Zlinky. Wait, isn't that the name of the character in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids? Wayne Zielinski. Oh. We've gone 16 levels deep. I was thinking of Zelinski auto parts. From Tommy Boy? Yeah.

Auto parts. Here's the thing. Where's the sea along this train can go? I'm picturing these poor zombies. Now, they don't have emotions, feelings, hearts. They don't have anything. But I feel bad for them going up this mountain just to get kicked down it. That's a good place to be.

I have no empathy for the undead. You feel bad for the zombies? You poor guys. Let's put it this way. You're not lasting very long. If that staircase takes them a week to get up. No. You did.

Here's a finger. I like your idea. Go to the top of a monastery. Yeah, because they grow food up there, right? I don't know. Yeah, they're famous for their veggies. All right. Big Mike from Twitter.

If you had three, or I'm sorry, if you three had to do a team triathlon together, who would do the running, who would do the biking, and who would do the swimming? Ooh, yes. Let's examine this because you can only do one. I can rule myself out of one of these. Okay. I'm not doing the running. Like, that's off the table. Like, it's just not.

Are you an endurance athlete, Mike? Do I look like an endurance athlete? So one of us is stuck with running is that that's what jason just said i don't think so i think you are stuck with running you've got the long legs man yeah the good stride and andy you're just such a good runner thanks so i've got the running look jason and i were just talking about andy's running it's just unbelievable yeah like it's i i've never seen a run i was quite like talking to my wife about i love it when i'm compared to you guys because i am great at things all of a sudden one day i can run like andy but i mean because of how great of a

runner you are you get running you got you think you can handle endurance swimming 100 endurance do you know this is a guy who just recently took up swimming a couple of laps in his play pool, and now you can handle endurance swimming. I could swim the English Channel, but the point here is less about my incredible swimming ability and more about the fact that my body weighs less in water than on land. And that's important to me. That sounds like an interesting science fact, Jason. Oh, shoot.

Dang it. Knock, knock. Who's there? Sharks. I believe. Sharks who? I believe fat floats. That's true.

That's also true. I will be doing the thing where I lay on my back. I was going to say, if anything can save me, it's my back float. So you go on full biker shorts? Well, look, I'm not afraid of the biker shorts. I'm a rocket. Yeah. But I just felt like Jason had more protection from the bike seat.

The badonkadonk. Yes, the derriere. If you're biking, you're not on that seat. Oh, you're really cruising. Are you in one of those retirement cruisers? No. For your biking? No, you're on a speed bike.

You're up off the seat. No, you're sitting on the seat. You're only up off the seat if you're climbing a mountain. You are pat... You're on the seat, man. Borla. I think you're going to be on the seat a lot. That's right.

And the seat... You get out of the saddle when you're going to be on the seat a lot. That's right. And the seat. You get out of the saddle when you're climbing. All right. Oh, the saddle. I guess we know who's biking all Borland. Oh, it's the saddle. Calling things by their correct name. And the seat is like a razor blade just right to the grundle area.

I have searched. And Jason can protect himself with his voluptuous butt cheeks. Wow. It is called a bicycle saddle. What? You questioned it? Of course. He's a mountain biker.

Here's the thing. I think I would like biking, but I have bought a bike many times. And I have bought. How many times does one need to buy a bike before you realize this isn't for me? Because everybody wants to be a biker. Everybody wants to be a biker. No, honestly, the truth is I like a pop a tire and then the bike's done. This bike is ruined.

But I've bought a ton of seats, all sorts of seats. I wish you could just replace the tire, but you got to. If only I would be a biker. It seems like so much work. But the thing is, is the bike seats, all these different kinds, and all of them, all of them hurt. Now, Orland, you've had an extensive track record on saddles. Are there any ones that are actually comfortable, or are 100% of them going to destroy your undercarriage? Pretty close to 100%.

Yeah, I've yet to find i always wore the the padded undies oh is that the trick yeah you double up you go padded see padded undie i do that already i just for life just for sitting that reminded me of you know when you fly or at least this used to be this way because i haven't seen them lately the sky mall magazine yeah where you open it up and you're like, who is buying this thing? Oh, yeah. Who's going shopping in the air? One, who's going, well.

It's awesome stuff. I love looking at that magazine. It's crazy novelty stuff. It's Brookstone stuff. But there is one thing that always stuck with me. It was a bike seat called the Liberator. Uh-oh. And there was literally a cutout in the middle of the seat that seemed like it's either genius or the most dangerous situation.

Because when you fall off the bike, things may go with the bike. Well, that seat is made specifically for the nude biker. That's what I'm talking about. That's even worse. Like you fall off. Yes. Things may not return. Ouch.

It has liberated you from your life. You ever wanted to be a eunuch? Get the liberator. One crash is all you need. Zach from the website. What is the appropriate... This is a great question. What is the appropriate amount of candies to take from a bowl when leaving a restaurant?

What type of candies are we talking about here? Well, the appropriate amount is one. But what is the most? How can you stretch it? Yeah. What's the? You could go mints. You could go Andy's mints.

You can go. Oh, Andy's mints. They're gone. They're all mine. How big is my hand? How big is my hand? How big's my hand? How big's my hand? Are you kidding me?

It's how big can I carry the dish? It's like, how much does it weigh? Do you mind if I take those? You can have those little, remember the strawberry candies that have the goo inside? Oh, right. Yeah. Very popular giveaway candy for restaurants. Very popular with the old people.

Yeah, that's 100% what I was thinking. That's not an old people candy. Oh, my word. That is That's not an old people candy. Oh, my word. That is nothing if not an old person candy. The strawberry with the goo in them? Yes. Individually wrapped, so it looks like a strawberry. They had one that looked like a pineapple.

Oh, the pineapple ones are good. Says the old person. You know those are for old people. They're in every restaurant on the way out. Hard candy? They're on every restaurant. No, hold on. They're in Luby's and BJ's.

Coco's? You're just talking about hard candies. You do this with Werther's Originals, obviously. You just believe if the generation of hard candies is the old person who went to the candy shop to get one hard candy with their nickel. Name a hard candy that isn't an old person candy. Oh, Gobstopper's totally a youthful. Nobody's ever handed a Gobstopper out at a restaurant. No, but at a restaurant.

On the way out, they don't hand Gobstopper. So getting candy on the way out is for kids. You can't hand an old person a Gobstopper. So you're saying all restaurants pick their candy by their oldest demographic. Yes. And you go to restaurants that serve people over the age of me. No. So no restaurants give away Gobstoppers. No restaurants give away Kit Kats on the way out.

We can't give away a Kit Kat. Most of the time it's mints. Yes. Usually that's the whole point. A mint is universal. A lifesaver. Right. A lifesaver. Right. A lifesaver is good for all generations.

I find it repulsive if they don't offer a toothpick on the way out. A peppermint mint. That's an affront. A peppermint mint is a hard candy that's given out that is ageless. Young, old, whatever. A strawberry with the goo inside, that is... It's a tasty treat. It's a tasty treat.

But the old people, they don't think that it's for old people because it's so wild. It's got this goo inside. This is for the youngins. That's how I feel. I've never felt so alive. Strawberry goo. Here's a true pro tip on this, Zach. I think you pretend to have more kids than you have.

That's the way I roll. No. It's one for me. Let me get one for the kids. Sir, there's 16 in your hand. Yes, very robust family. So there's two handfuls is what you can get away with comfortably while still feeling good about yourself, and here's why.

If you just go in and grab, they can't always see how many you're grabbing. So you just get one little scoop and you pocket it. You don't just grab and hold out for people to see. You grab the handful straight into the pocket, pull them out one at a time, you're good. But the reason I say you can do two handfuls is my pro tip. On the way in? Yes.

You've done it on the way in. I was about to ask if we can set a new precedent. On the way in, you've taken an Andy's Mint on the way into i was about to ask if we can set a new precedent on the way in you've you've taken an andy's mint on the way into the olive garden if there is not a designated exit that i only see the candies on my way out if it's a tasty treat that i want and it's not for old people i'm going in i'm coming out and my pockets are bulging with mints let me just hypothesize for a second okay you want to make fun of old people candies yes who are the most wise people on this earth uh the aged our generation i would say no you believe whatever age you are is the wisest yes but what i'm saying

is just maybe just maybe you're boxing your enjoyment of candy in a little bit in the fact that an eventual mike will find those candies delicious so why not be that mike now why not take the advice from mike from the future who loves those candies clearly because they're they're buying them in spades but maybe and then enjoy them now maybe future mike enjoys those candies because the hard candies are not they're no worry with the dentures the dentures you know are not going to be destroyed by these hard candies so that's why you guys don't have dentures all right you guys ready to do a draft yeah let's do it The Spitballers Draft.

All right. Mike on the website suggested this draft topic. We are doing items off of a fast food menu. Now, there's a caveat. You can't pick multiple items from the same restaurant. Per team. Correct. Well, just saying.

Mike, if you had something from McDonald's and I had something from McDonald's, that'd be fine. You don't get to claim a restaurant. You just can't pick four McDonald's items or four Taco Bell items. And we have put the requirements that this is not a QSR situation. This is a drive-through. If you are

fast food for this draft, I can drive through and pick it up. I can't tell you guys. You have the first pick. I have the first pick. That's unfortunate. This is a food draft. This is my wheelhouse.

He didn't lose a pick from the scat? We didn't take one away? Probably should have. Here's what's crazy. I think most people are thinking, oh, Jason's so excited. I don't want to do this draft. Oh. Because I am going to do this draft. Oh.

Because I am going to be so upset at all the- Do you feel like you're cheating on the other items you didn't pick? No, I'm just going to be upset every time you guys take something, because that means I can't have it. So I really hope your bad taste comes through on this draft, because every time you grab one- We'll do our best. There's about 20 items that I specifically need.

Need? So we're going to make this a 22-round draft. Oh, my gosh. But with the first pick, it's like, I've got to do the whole game here of like, what do I think could possibly make it back? What are you not going to take? I am struggling with the world open to me.

You have the first pick. There's nothing scarier than the blank page. Yeah. All right. That is true. This is where you throw some scientific facts out there. All right. It's the first pick, man.

I know, man. You're tilting. I'm tilting already because there's just so many different ways you could go. But I've got to stay true to who I am. Hashtag brand. To hashtag brand. And I've got to go with the Big Mac. Okay.

Here's the truth. When I go to McDonald's, which more often than I should, which that's the truth, which is also what everybody says. It's also true. I get a Big Mac every time. You're going Big Mac. It's always a Big Mac. It might be Big Mac Plus, but it starts with a Big Mac.

That's the foundation of your- The foundation is a Big Mac. Of the house. It might add a hot and spicy or a little apple pie, but it always starts with a Big Mac. I had a very- I've eaten at McDonald's, obviously. I like their, you know, you can get egg McMuffins, stuff like that. But I had this, like, six-month period where Big Macs were like, yeah. Yeah, we're into it.

Oh, you were into it. Every week I'd watch a TV show and eat, like, one show, we'd get Big Macs for the show. I had, like, a six-month phase of my life. Obviously, cardiac arrest. They brought me back, and then I quit. For all the fast food I've eaten, I think I can count on two hands how many Big Macs I've had in my life. I'm just not into it. Good.

My pick, right? Yes, sir. I'm not out of order. No. McDonald's fries. Okay. The McDonald's fries are a just between. They actually taste great, especially hot, obviously.

You put yourself out of the running. You couldn't take them. I know, but I'm still upset that I don't get all of them. It's really not fair. I should get every pick. Oh, my gosh. How hungry are we going to be at the end of this? I'm already there.

Yeah, I'm going McDonald's fries. The smell, the taste, the nostalgia. It's great. They deliver 100% of the time because clearly they're printed in a factory that can produce identical products over and over again. McDonald's fries, feel great about it, feel solid with the top of the draft. I feel like I'm going to pass out. I am so happy to be on the turn.

Yeah, you get two in a row. Because I have two in a row. This will be the fastest I've ever picked. For all the haters out there that Mike takes too long with his draft, how do you feel about this? Chick-fil-A nuggets. No! In-N-Out burger.

Cheeseburger. In-N-Out double-double. The double! No! Well, I mean, I get the burger. I get the In-N-Out burgers. Oh, you get a double-double or you get a single? That's what I was going to ask.

Okay, fine. I'll take the double-double. They have four items on their menu, and it's like you have to choose one. I feel like me drafting the double-double, you can't come in and be like, I'll take the three-by-three. I agree. You get the double-double. So you just took two picks as fast as you've ever chosen them.

And they're great. I'm so happy. I am so upset. So you went with the, just to run it back, the Chick-fil-A chicken nuggets, delicious. You went with the in-and-out double-double. In-and-out double-double. In-N-Out Double-Double. I'm going to go Chick-fil-A spicy chicken sandwich. Okay.

That's a great item. It is a delicious sandwich. We could go 100 rounds here. We could go 100 rounds. We might go 100 rounds on the road immediately following this episode. Oh, we're doing a tour. It's not a nationwide show tour. It is a citywide fast food drive-through tour. Yes.

nationwide show tour is a citywide fast food drive-thru tour. Yes. The marathon begins at our office, and it ends at John C. Lincoln Hospital. Look, there's a reason. There is a reason. There is a reason that I think one of, if not the most popular restaurant in the country right now is Chick-fil-A. And I'm going to finish the cycle here. We're going three picks in a row from that restaurant. Really?

What are you doing? I want their waffle fries, man. Really? I was torn between taking their nuggets or taking their fries. Chick-fil-A's waffle fries are fantastic. If you get McDonald's french fries, which are the goat because of how classic they are. That's exactly right. It doesn't mean that they're the best French fry out there.

I don't want... Like, you guys like Five Guys French fries a lot. Oh, love them. Love them. And, you know... But they're so classic. They're just... I can see it. I can smell it.

I can taste it right now. And this is part of my problem as to why I'm fat. Okay. And then the other one... Look, I don't know how this one's going to play. This might not be a poll getter it really might not but no hashtag no panda bear no panda bear today because when when we're talking about fast food and my life this just means too much it's very personal for you very

personal so i'm going to take the item that sometimes I will drive home when I'm really hungry. And because it's across the street from my house, I'll do the pro move of, I'm just going to roll through here, drop a dollar, eat these before I get home, have dinner. Oh, and no one's the wiser. And no one's the wiser that I got two Jack in the Box tacos for 99 cents. Oh, a little pre-dinner. Look, you don't fry. Prime the chute.

I got to warm it up. Warm it up. Warm the chute up. And not much warms your stomach up. Like a Jack in the Box deep fried taco. Warm up all the bowels. There are no tacos in the world that are deep fried. You don't fry tacos.

Jack in the Box is like, fried like talk you don't fry tacos jack the box is like you watch this you get the two you need to go one to prime the shoot one to end it oh no those eat the dinner finish the other these are both appetizers so look okay i'm i got my big mac i got my chick-fil-a waffle fries and my jack-in-the-box tacos i am l-i-v-i-n for a little while now so far i have uh i'm gonna go with a little different direction here i have the spicy chicken sandwich i got the mcdonald's fries i'm going the wendy's frosty all right wendy's frosty i'm bringing dessert into it i see the producers nodding in approval that's because uh they are delicious and, I've got a classic lineup here.

If I'm eating McDonald's fries in a Wendy's Frosty, I'm strutting through my childhood with joy. I mean, this is delicious. The fries in the Frosty is a pro move of pro moves. Oh, and they go together. And if you're taking the McDonald's fries, which is better than the Wendy's Fry, put it into the Wendy's Frosty.

That's true. I feel good, man. I feel good. You're making magic. Yeah, I feel real good. Mike, are you going to be able to... I believe so. I just... We got to make sure that there's no pushback on one of these picks.

Okay. Uh-oh. Because it fits. It's fast food, and there is a drive-thru. On every location? On every location. Every location that I know of. Okay, okay.

Well, I mean, unless it's like... I don't like where this is headed. Well, you can't say every location because sometimes a Chick-fil-A is in a mall. Well, sure, sure, sure. I'm just saying Panda Express has some places that have a drive-thru. It's not like that.

But number one, I'm going to take my fry. I'm going to take the Jack in the Box seasoned curly fry. Great pick. Great pick. As soon as I missed that on. In Jason's life, he feels like because these picks are being made, he doesn't get to eat these items ever again. He is mourning them.

It's that you two don't deserve them. I like claim to all fat food. Look, if you have had the Jag and the Box curly fries 50 times in your life, Mike, and I've had them 5 million, how dare you stake claim to them? These all belong

to me, and this is why American obesity is a real problem. Please go to www. helpwithobesity.comhelpwithobesity.com. Mike has the Chick-fil-A nuggets. He's got the Double Double Cheeseburger from In-N-Out. Delicious. Seasoned curly fries from Jack in the Box.

And one pick, Romani. Your final selection. All right, my final pick here. So much to choose from. So we'll have to get a ruling. I firmly believe that I am in the right, and there is absolutely no problem with this. I would like to select a Krispy Kreme glazed donuts okay I would love that

I would love it if you select that man I mean I don't think I don't think it fits the spirit of the draft I will let Borland decide on that one though if that is what you does anybody think of it as fast food does anybody on this planet go yeah I'm going to get some fast food I'm going to pick up Borland decide on that one, though. If that is what you – I don't – does anybody think of it as fast food?

Does anybody on this planet go, yeah, I'm going to get some fast food. I'm going to pick up a donut on a drive-thru? No. Yeah, I agree. I mean, and I think it would help us in the vote. That's why Jason wants to let it go. Yeah, I agree. It's not a vote-getter, but I'm going to overrule it and say pick again.

All right. Oh, man. Obviously, he has a backup ready to go. Honestly, that sucks. That's a terrible ruling. I know. But I think the spirit of the draft, look, I love them. There needs to be a main course.

I just think it needs to be something you traditionally associate with what fast food is. Like most people, when they go to Krispy Kreme, you might get a dozen donuts for a breakfast, but it's not like I'm going to the fast food place. I think you agree with that. Yeah. It's tough. It's right on the edge.

I would love to give it to you just for our sake and the polls, but because I don't think most people are going to have that synonymous with fast food. Jason really wanted to give it to you. I did. It also meant that you didn't draft whatever you're about to draft, which you really wanted to draft. That's my worry here is more about what real fast food am I about to lose.

And also, I'm starving right now okay let me go through the list of what everyone has all right i mean because i have a couple picks i want but i feel like we're just we're literally picking three restaurants out of the world of fast food no no maybe we've tackled quite a few clear desserts are fine it does not need to be a main course yeah i got you all right, that's why the Frosty was allowed. No, I get it. All right, so I have Chick-fil-A nuggets. I have the Double Double Cheeseburger from In-N-Out.

I have the seasoned curly fries from Jack in the Box. There's only one item I need coming back to me. Don't do it. Oof. What do you think, Mike? What do you think? Well, now I got to get inside of Jason's head because there's two items that I want to go with. People are screaming in their cars right now.

Yeah, well, look, I have my clock. I saved clock on the first two picks. That's true. So that means I get to take them. Wait, did you read through the current picks? He read through his. I read through mine. Yeah.

Jason's got the Big Mac and the waffle fries and the tacos. I've got the French fries from McDonald's, the spicy chicken sandwich, and the Frosty and the tacos. I've got the french fries from McDonald's, the spicy chicken sandwich, and the frosty from Wendy's. This is Mike's final selection not to be trifled with. What do you think? Alright, then, man, it's down to two and it's really, really difficult

because they are on opposite sides of the fast food spectrum. One you would start and ruin your day with. The other one you would end and ruin your day with. But other one you would end and ruin your day with. But in my heart, the thing that I eat that I would want

if I could have anything, I will take the Baconator from Wendy's. Okay. The Baconator. Now that we're done and me and Jason have already taken McDonald's items,

the Egg McMuffin was the other consideration. That was it. It was between the Baconator or the Sausage McMuffin. And you made a mistake. All right, Jason, what's your final pick? And I'm thrilled about it. Oh, is this me?

Yeah. Oh, fantastic. So I'm going to go with the... Wait, wait. No, you can't. No, that's garbage. I was going to let him know. Oh, you were baiting it.

No, you can't let him know because he was going to reveal a pick. That is the... We have never encountered this. When you went out of turn, I sat and just kept my mouth closed. I didn't do anything to you. All's fair. I noticed you're wearing a mint chocolate chip colored shirt today, Mike. In honor of the greatest pick of all time.

It's my pick. It's down to two options for me. It's Bush League era. I think about. Single A baseball player over here. All's fair in love and war. Bush League era. I think about... Single A baseball player over here. All's fair in love and war. This is war. So I have French fries from McDonald's, the spicy chicken sandwich from Chick-fil-A.

I don't have a traditional burger on my menu. So that is an option I'm considering strongly. I have two. You have two, Mike? I like burgers. You know, I'm going to take the Whopper. Okay. I'm going to take the Whopper from Burger King.

Distinct taste. I love the size. It's delicious. It's fine. Here's the thing with all these picks, all the possible items we could pick. And the honest truth is that every single thing we've picked so far is so delicious. Do we want another round? Is so delicious.

I could go forever. I don't care. A five selection? Brooks is nodding his head. Brooks is nodding his head. Let's do it. We'll go five rounds. All right.

I'm on the turn. I get two picks here. You do. All right. Well, I'm going to go with two burgers because- You get one pick. I'm sorry. I get two picks.

No, go ahead. You get two picks, Jay. Okay. Wow, I get two picks. No, go ahead. You get two picks, Jay. Okay. Wow, a five-rounder. A five-rounder. I am going with the Double Shack Burger from Shake Shack. Shake Shack does not have drive-thrus. No, that is ineligible.

Shake Shack does not have drive-thrus, bro. That's the same thing as saying- Dude, you're totally right. You're totally 100% right. I was just thinking- They're way too bougie for a drive-thru. That would be five. Five guys would start to enter the conversation.

We'd be in a whole other world. Oh, no. This is. Let's take the filet mignon from Ruth's Chris. You're very right. The Shake Shack burger is so good. They bun. Oh, no.

Well, you have two picks. You said you were going two burgers. What's the other one? I have 20 items I want. Let's hear it. All right. Need. Okay.

I apologize. Thank you. All right. Well, I'm going to go dessert. All right. And I can't go McFlurry, right? I've got my McDonald's, so I'm going to go with the Blizzard from Dairy Queen. Oh, I had considered it.

Respectable pick. I'd consider it. it's just too good i had a blizzard last night from dairy queen it was in fact a large and it was i think that we've learned about jason in the last month is that you are a secret food guy yeah you you you've you go home you apparently prime the shoot with a couple with a couple of jack-in-the-box sneaky fried that's it that's if i don't prime it at the gas station with the hostess apple pie i don't know why i can't lose weight this is a mystery i work out i do work out and this is the you know eat healthy Just imagine if you didn't work out,

let's throw that out there. I think he works out so he can eat the way he eats. All right. So you get one more pick since we're going five rounds. All right. You've got the big, well, you figured out you've got the McDonald's Big Mac,

the Chick-fil-A waffle fries, the Jack in the Box tacos, the Blizzard from Dairy Queen, a respectable team. Albeit, you don't get all the picks like you want yep but a nice looking team now you got to close it down with your final fast food item okay i want diarrhea

so if that's the case i'm going i'm going with that's a different from any of the picks we've already selected it is different i think you guys could know exactly, I'm going with a good one. That's different from any of the picks we've already selected. It is different. I think you guys could know exactly what I'm going with because I – look, there is some kind of special seasoning that Arby's puts on their food. Oh, yes. And it's delicious. That's why they haven't been picked yet. Yeah, but I'm going to take the beef and cheddar classic, the largest one.

The laxative. The big Montana. Yes, the laxative. Sometimes you need to prime the chute. Sometimes you need to clear it out. No, you need to be on the toilet in the middle of the sandwich. Right. Because you know that things are going right through.

It's a good pick. It's a great pick. It made it really easy for me because I was between the Arby's roast beef sandwich and then this pick. And this pick is the Sonic Cherry Limeade. Okay. Oh, it's so good. I don't think it's a vote getter, but it's so good.

It's very delicious. The Sonic Cherry Limeade to round it out, to wash it down, so to speak. I'm going to finish with the Cherry Limeade. I'm feeling good because it was, you know, I wanted to get the Whopper and the limeade and I got them both. Sausage McMuffin. Yeah. There it is.

No doubt. No doubt. In fact, we probably helped Mike's draft way too much by not letting him take a donut and then circle back to get your... We did. Give me those donuts. Egg McMuffin. I think some apologies are in order.

I would like to apologize to Taco Bell. You are a fantastic restaurant. The only thing that's draftable. I couldn't pick one item. That's the issue. Oh, it's easy. Chalupa? No, it's the cheesy gordita crunch. See, it's easy and then we disagreed on it. I don't know if that... The Crunchwrap Supreme

is unbelievable. It's a whole meal. Soft tacos are great. I mean... Yeah, I mean... Everything from there is... The Doritos Locos tacos? Oh, yeah. Yeah. KFC, Popeyes,

no chicken places. The nacho cheese chalupa is in my Mount Rushmore of offered items in fast food. Wow. Yeah, that you didn't pick through five rounds. Well, I didn't pick...

They don't even offer it anymore, so I didn't pick it. Okay. That's fair. At least I didn't pick a Shake Shack burger, you know? And Mike, you love Carl's Jr. You didn't... Nothing from the Carl's Jr. menu. Never even

considered them. Carl's Jr. is just well-rounded. I know I'm going to have a great time if I eat a Carl's Jr. For the moments I'm chewing the food. It is time for lunch, gentlemen. All right. One more thing. What did we learn today oh man what did we learn today brand new drop i don't know what i learned oh i know what i learned i learned that

you cannot replace a bike tire if your tire pops throw it out if your tire pops you need to get an entirely new bicycle. I think what I learned or further learned or expounded on my knowledge of is that Jason has no shame when it comes to secret food. He primes the chute before dinner. He gets it going. Look, what I've always said is an important part of every meal is pre-meal. Yes. Whatever you eat before the meal is an important part of every meal is pre-meal. Yes. Whatever you eat before the meal is an important part of the forthcoming meal. And they say, look, teach with actions, not just words.

And you've taught with actions on that front. Do as I do, not as I say. Have you gone after Taco Bell? Have you shamed them yet for only going with fourth meal? Right. They had that huge awareness campaign, fourth meal, and did you let them know that that's not the appropriate amount? I wrote a few letters. I said...

Snail mailed them in? Snail mailed them in, for sure. They gave them some coupons on the way back. And those were used. Immediately. Those have been used. Oh, Culver's cheese curds left out in the dust. Oh, I know. They worked.

Culver's Butter Burger left out in the dust the dust well the problem is we're not rich raising gains and oh my gosh no it was i couldn't go with them because i took chick-fil-a and we didn't take it's regional too so yeah i don't care if it's regional it's how do we not the best region for it is my belly that's right i I learned today that I should be marching more because watching that man march brought joy to my life. I need to employ it a little bit more. Be sure to check out spitballerspod.com. Become a spitwad.

Support the show. 76 trombones. Let's do a big parade. Thanks for listening, tuning in, supporting the show. Absolutely. Spitballerspod.com if you want to support the show. We'll see you next time. Goodbye.

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