Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 58: Emergency TP Tips and The Best Sports Movies of All Time - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 29, 2019

You just finish up a #2 and look to the side and realize there is only 1 square of TP left hanging off the roll. What do you do? Mike gives us (too much) information on his personal technique. Also, find out what has Jason shouting “RUINED IT!” as he invades people’s personal space. And after many suggestions, we are doing a ‘Best Sports Movies’ draft! Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, Spitwads. We wanted to thank all of the official supporters of this show for coming on board. You can come on board, too. Head over to spitballerspod.com. Click the button that says Become a Spitwad, and you will get access to the entire archive of shows ad-free, and you can submit your questions over there as well. Let's have a show what happens when three buffoons give life advice

explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve it's the spitballers podcast with andy mike and jason I ended up in a weird place. Out of breath? Yeah, it was much harder to do a Satchmo than I first anticipated. Welcome, yes.

So, shout out to Satchmo. I did this a couple weeks ago. I was like, I'm going Louie. Shout out to Satchmo. I did this a couple weeks ago. I was like, I'm going Louie. The thing is, is last time we had a show, you got mad at me for going quote unquote chalk. You thought that I went a little more default or was playing the repeat.

Look, there are two sides to that coin. You just saw the other side of it. Clearly, Satchmo has four lungs. You ran out of gas quick. There's no possible way to explain that he could do that. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast. Excited to have you here. We have Would You Rather. That's a great question.

And another draft on the show today. It should be entertaining. Twitter, you can find us at SpitballersPod. We're on Instagram. The website, SpitballersPod.com. You heard at the top. We do have an official Patreon page with some perks. Hoo-ha!

And many of you now... Zibbity-doo-dah! Jason hasn't said anything yet. How you doing, Jason? You still have to... Ah! No, I'm doing great. Here's a little insight.

Peel back the curtain. I'm cutting out caffeine. And so what I find is that sucks. You've done that for a while now, right? Yeah, I haven't had much caffeine. How long has it been? So it's been like a week. So I'm past like the like.

You're to the point where you should be. Yes. Acclimating. I'm to the point where I should be like, okay, this is fine now. But instead I'm like, this is boring. Ilimating. I'm to the point where I should be like, okay, this is fine now. But instead, I'm like, this is boring. I'm tired. I was going to say, acclimating does not mean that you go into a state where, ooh, it's like I had a cup of coffee, only I didn't.

But that's what I was after. That doesn't make sense. I mean, that's 100% what I was after. I'm like, maybe if I cut out caffeine, I'll have more energy. No. Because my body won't be like. You have been less sweaty. Needing caffeine.

One hundred percent. Oh, well, that's great. Look, one out of two is not bad. That's true. That's quite the decision you'll have to make. Yeah. Is it worth sweating to be alive? Right.

Or is it better to. Not every man truly lives. Yes, exactly. So I plan to sleep through this episode. All right. All right. Well, Mike and I have it on lockdown. Satchmo.

Got it figured out. Here I boop-a-doo. All right, let's get going. Would you rather... All right, Randy. Randy wrote in from the website, you're walking down the street and you get mugged. It sounded like the way that you started that was like a little rap ditty.

You're walking down the street and you get mugged. I can't wait to hear the second part. Would you rather give the mugger a gigantic hug? What is that word, Mr. Bor borland because i can't keep reading it would you rather give the mugger wither your yeah let's pretend that word's not there nice editing would you like to give the mugger your wallet with your cash and cards or would you rather give them your phone henceforth all right so, wait. Walt with your cash and cards or your phone. What would you rather lose is the question.

That's a really good question because I don't want to go cancel all my cards. Yeah, this is a time or money. Right. Right. But then it's like. Without the phone, you can't call anybody and let them know you got mugged. Man. Honestly.

What can they do though? Do you call the cops and they just yeah i've been mugged and they're like i'm sorry like what i mean what else happens like i mean and and you would like what you're you're okay did you catch them that's what they'll ask me no i did not catch them okay well did you go get a new phone did you happen to have any kind of Oh, I did not catch them. Okay. Go get a new phone.

Did you happen to have any kind of heirloom and or tracking device that we can find this? The phone? Well, right. Maybe. So you can find them if you lose your phone. I mean, that's a poor mugger if they take someone's phone and don't immediately turn it off. Take my phone. I don't want to get a new driver's license. I don't want to get a new Costco card.

I don't want to get a new credit card. Oh, man, that Costco. I don't want to get a new library card. I don't want to get a new credit card. I don't want to get a new library card. They give you the business at Costco for everything. They'll just shut my phone down and I'll get a new one. This is great timing on this. My wife lost her phone, kind of. Literally last night.

Just the bottom half. You found 50% of the phone. Right. She broke it in half and she's like, where is that bottom? No, so we went out to eat at the Social last night. They closed a little early at 9. I'm not sure why the name drop is there, but go ahead. What is this place?

It's just a restaurant. It's a restaurant. So I'm just sharing my life with everybody. So here's the thing. We go out. Look, we were at Ruth's Chris. I had a nice Chianti. Rockefeller was there.

The social's just a really normal place. The Monopoly man showed up. He's been sponsored. Very bougie bougie. Not a sponsor. Anyway, so we leave and we go see Spider-Man. What is happening right now?

Not a movie. Also not a sponsor. We went to the red carpet premiere of Spider-Man. What is happening right now? Not a movie. Not a... Got it. Also not a sponsor. We went to the red carpet premiere of Spider-Man. In our Toyota Corolla. Listen. I hung out with Tom. All right.

Go ahead. You two do the show. Go ahead. You guys go. So here's the thing. The reason that I said the social specifically is because they close early at nine. We go to see this show and they have this extremely stupid thing they do where they're just not open on Mondays.

They just decided. They close at 9, and they're not open on Mondays. They are not open on Mondays. You want to go to dinner on a Monday? No. This must be like the coolest place ever. It is actually pretty swanky inside. But the point here is when we got to the movie, Tiff realized, oh, I don't have my phone.

She left it at the restaurant. Oh, so now you're shut down until Tuesday. Exactly. And it's not a problem. Huh. For you, because you have your phone. No, but if you've got an iPad or- Would you rather them take your wall, your phone, or your wife's phone?

Wife's phone. But we're realizing she can make phone calls. She can get text messages. Yeah, from Wi-Fi, iPad at home. So it's like, eh, we can lock down the phone from distance. I'm saying- You can borrow your butler's phone at any time. Yes, now you understand the plight that we're in.

Mike, do you have a different opinion, or are you going phone as well? Probably. Getting a new license means I'm going to the DMV, and that is just the end of that story. I think this question gets a lot more interesting if we're pre-iCloud. You're losing photos. You're losing contacts. Back know, back in the day before. Okay, so someone has stolen my flip phone. It's 1999, and you're walking down the street.

It was not that long ago that you would lose all your data. It's ironic because if they chose the wallet in 1999, you probably had pictures in your wallet you were losing, too. They took my LG with my 1.2 megapixel camera. I need those grainy pictures. My Casio XL calculator organizer. I got some Snake to play.

I think we've exhausted ourselves here. The truth is a lot of times when you lose your phone in this case, it's not your fault. You got mugged. Yeah. So now treat yourself. Go get a new phone. Get the nicest, newest model.

This is actually a great thing that happened to you. Yeah, that's why I burn my house down once a year to build a new, nicer, upgraded model. On insurance. All right. Would you rather re-gift? You've just outed us, Jason. You just indicted me as an insurance fraud. Would you rather re-gift every present you receive back to the person who gave it to you...

Whoops. ...or attempt to stick your finger in the mouth of every person you catch yawning? Oh, my goodness. There was a long part of my life where my wife thought it was hilarious to do that. When you yawned? Yes. And she'd stick her finger in your mouth? I do life where my wife thought it was hilarious to do that when you yawn yes and she'd stick her finger in your mouth i do this yeah you do my wife you people are monsters i literally never heard anybody doing this because you're hanging out with good company it's the best it is absolutely and i say every time i go ruined it that's true ruined it yeah so not only do you jab them in the mouth possibly

gagging this person well i'm not like i'm not trying to touch the tonsils ruined it i'm just trying choked you to death i uh but it's it's true look this is the this is the wife show right here no every time that my wife yawns she's getting she's getting a finger in the mouth. Does she do it back? No, that would be awful. Maybe I learned, ironically today that we're recording this, is my anniversary. I learned on year one, month one, that there are things I just don't mess around with,

and I've told this story, but it's like I put my finger in a chocolate chip cookie that she had bought from a store because I thought it'd be real funny. In fact, Jason, when I was with you on one of our tours just recently, this was a few days ago. Yes. A wonderful, probably the best fan we've ever had because they brought me a hostess apple pie. Which if you don't know Jason, then if you do know Jason, you know he loves Hostess apple pies. Yes. They are his lifeblood. Someone gave me one.

It's 20% of his body composition. And I leaned over in a humorous fashion. Ruined it. Stuffed my finger right through the apple pie. Yes. Which, one, made my finger taste delicious, and two, ruined his pie, which also he ate it, so it didn't ruin it. No, it was still very delicious.

I did that to my wife. She freaked out. So I never even entered my mind that I could be ruining her yawns. What a treat. It's a very unpleasant feeling when you are mid. Because what can you do? You're mid-yawn, and you didn't get to the release point. It's the worst.

She has done it to me. It's awful. You don't run across the room and dive for these, do you? I mean, this is only convenience. It's only convenience. In the car? Oh, that's the number one place. I mean, the number one place is the car.

While they're driving? Driving. Well, sure, but I'm usually the one driving if we're together, and she'll be dozing off, getting sleepy in the passenger seat. I see that yawn start, and I'm like, Blah, blah, oh, ruined it. Wow. I am the worst, and I understand that. In terms of regifting, if you have to regift right back to them,

what is the time limit here, and does it matter? I would say one year. That way it's long enough. Oh, that's gross. It's long enough where it seems like you forgot. They think you're trying to get away with it. 100%. Like, wait a minute.

Either of you guys want a rocking chair? Sure. I'll take a rocking chair. Dang it. Just give me really nice gifts. Is it possible that that's long enough that the person forgets? If it's something very generic, maybe. If it's something everybody wants, you're in good shape.

You're fine. That's how you could get away with it. I loved the one you got me so much that I knew you would love it. What happens the 10th time you've done that? They start getting you whatever they want. Yeah. Right? Then you're training them to get training them that's a great friend well they are technically buying their own gift because

you're a hundred you're not even buying them a new one you're just repackaging it that's actually it's not that embarrassing could be the old model then i'm not sticking my finger out i'm not very happy that you gave me last year's model now it's a very different thing between putting my finger in the mouth of everyone I see yawn versus like my wife, because my wife and I, we just play pranks on each other nonstop. This is the unfortunate and fortunate part of our glorious marriage. There's no chance I could walk by any body of water clothed with foam and not try to be shoved into it.

You know what I mean? Like, this is just, this is our marriage. But if I'm in an elevator with strangers and they yawn. And you have to stick your finger in their mouth? I can't do that. That's an impractical Joker's type of thing. I'm imagining you just skipping rampant through New York City. Stuffing the finger.

Ruined it, ruined it, ruined it. You'll be dead. All right, I'll go with the, I'd rather do the. Yeah, the re-gifting. You can at least spin it. All right. You can't spin poking a stranger in the throat. There's no spin for that.

That's just, oh, I'm sorry. I thought that there was. I mean, what do you even say? I'm sorry. I thought I knew you. If it was. And if I knew you, I'm still an animal. If it was just people that I did know, though,

not just everyone that I ever see yawning, it was just like, of all your friends that yawn, I'd take it. Did you ever see the... There was an Impractical Joker's punishment where he had to close people's laptops inside of a coffee shop for as long... And sometimes it would be the same person.

And he had to come up with a reason why he did it over and over again. And it was just like, you know, you just have no excuse for your behavior. That's good. It's just, it's still not inside their mouth. Nope. That's the problem. That's a very private area. Inside of one's.

My tonsils, I keep them to myself. Yautow from Twitter writes in, would you rather fart every time you enter an elevator or smell someone's fart every time you enter an elevator? Oh, gosh. You have to be the one that dealt it. I don't want to be. There's a level of control in that situation. I would begin to position.

I would work on the volume situation. If you remember, I mean, we've done two different smells. We've done two different smells drafts. Was that you? Best smells and worst smells. Yes. My fart's on the best smells. Other people's farts on the worst smells.

So it's easy for you. I'm not smelling other people's farts in an elevator. It's awful. The worst is if it's one other person in either situation. Because if it's one stranger and you walk in, you contribute, they know it's you, and you stand there. And honestly, there has to be a point that a fart smells so bad that the person has an obligation to say something.

Or you walk in, you let her you let her rip and then you bro come on get out of here just so overt that you actually convince them that they were the tutor that that's a way to go oh come on or step on get off step right off there you go you come on rip one oh leave i forgot something in my room yeah but then the next you're still gonna do it again because it's every time you're in an elevator yeah but you just keep doing it until you're alone and then it's like ah this is mine now but but isn't that worse like then you can hit the next floor and the door opens and someone walks on it's just you there, and it smells like farts. Just imagine someone, like a full elevator,

someone walks up, hits the very next floor so they can just get out. How funny would that be? I've got a friend on this floor. No, you don't. Oh, I just remembered. I meant the 12th floor. Not the lobby. Buddy the Elf hit all of the buttons. Just get me out of

here. Alright, let's jump into another segment. That's a great question. Alright, Eric writes in from the website. I have walked out into the balcony of my apartment in the dead of night to get a breath of fresh air i shut the sliding glass door behind me and i've now realized i locked myself out i'm only in my undies how do i possibly get back into my apartment without making an embarrassment of myself.

Wow. So if Farrakh lives by himself, which I think we have to assume he does, then what are you talking about, bro? Why are you asking us if it's done? It's done. You're embarrassed.

Oh, you're saying there's no way that he can get back in without being embarrassed because if he's that well it depends on the wrongs oh my goodness oh please please let me know how you're going to talk to your landlord in your boxers i'm after you shimmy down the side better yet you're in whitey tighties i'm gonna yeah sure of course you are because that would be the best. No, I mean, look, if this is really about the embarrassment, I assume that there is something on your balcony. It's not just an empty balcony.

Maybe you've got, like, a seat or a rock. Are you going to break the window? Look, if the embarrassment is what matters, you break in. You want to know what you tell your landlord? Someone tried to break in i was in my underwear sir we live on the 15th floor when we were traveling the other day i came into my room and i realized i needed to grab something and i threw my wallet down on the counter and realized and it was like late at night and i realized i was so close to locking myself

out of there i was like barefoot and, and I wasn't in my underwear. Oh, how embarrassing. But no, if you are stuck outside of your hotel room, and you've got to go down the elevator and talk to the front desk again in a t-shirt with no shoes on. But this person is on their balcony. So they are elevated. They're at least- You've got they are elevated they're at least you

got no phone they're at least on the second floor minimum it seems like they have a phone because they've written in right so i'm gonna assume that they've done that from their mobile device they're out there and they're stuck but you're on your balcony help yeah and your options are climbing down or maybe you try and break in but now you got shards of glass. They're in their underwear. I don't know if you know this, Jay. Breaking glass in real life is very different than a movie. It's, in fact, incredibly dangerous to have shards of glass everywhere

when you don't have shoes on. I am aware of that. Or pants. However, I'm pretty confident that these you know sliding balcony doors are the nice you know the the tempered glass that shatters and is kind of like safety breakaway glass like that's usually like would you say you have a better chance of landing that airplane from a few episodes back or getting through this broken glass door man Ah, man. I'm really good at airplane flying. It's true.

I've heard. I mean, you're just stuck. I mean, you're just stuck in this situation. How does it lock behind you? Do they have sliding glass doors that lock behind you? This guy, I think it's just made up. I don't think this is real. Wait a minute.

Eric pulled the wool over our eyes. Okay, so you- Liar. You climb down. You shimmy down. Yeah, you can either climb down or you have to wait for a neighbor to come out on their balcony and go, Hey, Joe. How do you, what is the story so that you're not, so you're embarrassed the least?

What do you say? You don't just say, Oh, I got locked down in the air. I got mugged. You got mugged? Yes. Oh, because there you go. They don't know where you're coming from. Right. Absolutely.

All I can see is Michael Keaton from Birdman in his whitey tighties running through the streets. Let me tell you what. The mugged one's a good idea. It doesn't end well for Michael Keaton walking around in his underwear. No, it doesn't. All right. Good luck, Eric. James sent in a question.

You are a burglar. What is going on with all the muggings? This is a show about safety and what to do in dangerous situations. Well, look, we've had situations where you are mugged. In this situation, we want to be fair to the burglar side. So in this situation. Oh, it's an underrepresented demo? You are the burglar.

We don't want them to, like, If people are listening, they're like... How's... Yeah. Man. They disrespect my occupation. My craft. My occupation. So look, burglars.

My occupation. What's your occupation? Burglars. Burglars. Burglars are here for you. You might want to finish the question before you pay too much respect to the burglars. Oh, all right. You are a burglar.

But instead of stealing anything, every time you break into someone's house, you just do something that mildly inconveniences the homeowners. What do you choose to do? I know what I'm going with. What's that? Hiding their keys. Oh, you're the one. You're the one breaking into my house, hiding my keys all the time.

Dang it, Mike. I have outed myself. This is the worst. Yes, because the lost keys in the morning. It's the worst. I guess it's a little more than mild. I'm going to be honest. How do you lose your keys?

Very easily. We know how. Because when he walks in, he just goes, just throws his pockets and throws stuff. I've never lost my keys. I have. I have. I've got my normal places that I put my keys.

How many spots? Probably 17 or 18 spots. So I know it's going to be in one of those 17 or 18 spots. The problem is sometimes, usually what happens, sometimes somebody puts something over them. It's like, oh, a bag, a purse went went right on them it's still one of my 17 spots but i've got so many spots to look that by the time you know i i can't lift everything and so but here's here's where it sucks the most appointments right like i'm getting ready for

the gym in the morning we got a trainer i'm like okay i'm i'm actually gonna finally be on time i woke up i did the work and now i'm ready to run out the door it's like i can't i can't leave where are my keys and then i'm 10 15 minutes late texting my trainer being like i want to come but that happens every single time though well mike has been hiding my keys you should put. You should put them in one spot, and you'll be okay. I will do something that will take me a little while, and I will be exchanging all of the cereals and mixing them up in the boxes. Ooh.

So that when they go for their cereal in the morning, the Lucky Charms are in the hunting bunches of votes. So you're going with a complete, or are you mixing? No, I'm not. Oh, that's even better. Just mix them all together so all 12 boxes of the same exact cereal. Hold on. Who has 12 boxes of cereal?

You have 12 boxes of cereal? Oh, our house does as well. Are you kidding? Okay, Al Borland, please tell me I'm not the crazy person. Yeah, we got one, maybe two. Okay, thank you. That's silly and stupid. Look.

You have 12 boxes? My family, we grew up. We didn't get everything we wanted. It was a conservative spending household. We ate out once a month. We got soda once a month. Meals were made at home. The only indulgence, and I don't know why, from day one, we had 20 boxes of

cereal. Do you want to know why you could only go out to eat once a month? Because you wasted all your money on cereal. This is one of the misconceptions, Mike. Just because you have 20 boxes doesn't mean you eat cereal 20 times as fast. It costs the same amount of money whether you buy 10 boxes now and slowly eat each one with variety, or you buy one box now and we're going to have our oats this morning, and that's it.

I would say math checks out, but let's be honest. When you've got that much cereal, you're eating a lot more cereal. People love spending the night at my house because I had the treasure trove of sugar cereals, regular cereals, cereals you never heard of, all the variants, all the insert cards. I don't think it's a joke to say I believe legitimately we have 12 boxes of cereal. I'm going to count tonight when I'm at home. How do you have room for 12 boxes?

I have at least 12. We have two shelves. Two of our shelves in our pantry are cereal shelves. Cereal's delicious, Mike. I'm not going to argue with the fact that it's delicious. Wouldn't you rather come out in the morning and choose from... Let's just be smart here. Let's just give you five boxes.

Okay. And you get to choose that morning. Why do you want one to force yourself into? But here's the thing. Five sounds somewhat reasonable. You gave me a number that is literally over double that amount. We had 20. And now you're trying to sound like the rational person.

That's correct. That is correct. Well, what if you just have five? I still have 12. But what if you had five? Look, not everybody gets to eat at the social, okay? Some of us have to indulge in other ways. Well, the nice thing is we leave stuff there, so we have to go back.

Yes. All right, last question. I do want to ask it. Brendan from the website. It's a simple question just for you. Have you ever had to use only one square of toilet paper before? I have. Yeah, everyone has.

And I pulled it off. Was it a multi-ply? It had to have been be a multi-ply did you separate the plies no okay multi-ply nope there's i have a very very distinct technique that i probably should not get into on this it's a fold it's a fold situation all right so we're getting into it. Yes, we are. The question was asked. So here's the thing. It's not going to work in every situation because we've all been to a place, a time of our lives where if you have one sheet of toilet paper, it's

not going to get done. But sometimes there are. You do your best. It's a hot dog fold. Of course. I would do that. It's a hot dog fold. This, of course. You're keeping it long. I would do that. Yeah, I would do the hot dog fold. It's a hot dog fold. And this is not going to work for Mr. Under Through the Legs over here.

Oh, yeah. Knuckle water. Now, you imagine that your index finger is kind of like the hot dog, right? So the hot dog fold, the paper is now going across the index finger. You have a pretty good surface area. Okay. And that thing is going to be the old chimney sweep. And you're going to get a very good extended wipe.

And from one square, you can do a pretty good job. So wait. Oh, my goodness. I can 100% unfortunately visualize everything you're saying. Yes. This is extremely awful. Would you ever be? I don't want to do this. Okay. So Yes, this is extremely awful. Would you ever be? I don't want to do this.

Okay, so no, here's my question. I have a follow-up, too. Here's my question. Not like a toilet paper order. Well, no, I thought you were like, I am an optimistic conservationist. I use one square. My family has 20 squares.

Does yours only have one or two? Right, yeah. Now, please tell me this is just last resort this is running of course okay well when you got that detail i was like is this like the normal go-to no here's the thing but it's happened on more than one occasion there has to be a situation where you do the best you can mike you get all the surface area you need you take care of whatever you can and you're still realizing you are left wanting for more toilet paper. Yeah, things can still be muddy.

Would you ever contemplate using the roll? Ooh, the actual cardboard roll and breaking it down? No. What are you doing afterwards? No, I'd rather be. You flush. Mr. I can flush a pen. You let it soak.

I would rather be. You can't flush. Mr. I can flush a pin. You let it soak. I would rather be. You can't flush the roll. You definitely could flush a roll with enough, you know, let the moisture get into it. I would rather be a muddy buddy than a bloody buddy. Ooh, I like it. And we're drafting. The Spitballers Draft. I like sitting down.

It's not worth that extra. Then you might as well not go to the bathroom in a Target or a Walmart or any public restroom because they will. I try not to. I mean, of all the money you spend on advertising, I will say this until the day I die. The one retail shop, hotel room, restaurant that commits to three-ply will earn my loyalty for life. And I will buy an appetizer at your restaurant every time moving

forward. Just give me something that makes me want to live. I'm guessing you have never had to manage a chain of that size when you see the profit savings when you jump down to one ply. Like my cats. Like my cats. Look, we are jumping into a draft. Today's draft idea comes from Jordan, and I guess it's been suggested by many others on Twitter. We talked about it at the top of the show. We have a new feature over on our Patreon. It's called the Spit Tank.

If you support the show, you can submit all of your segment draft ideas over there. We look at those first for the show. Check that out, spitballerspod.com. Click the Become a Spitwad button. Today's draft, best sports movies. Best sports movies. Mike gets to kick it off. There are way more to choose from than you think there are.

Yeah, there definitely are, And it's not simple. No. There are different genres of sports movies. Right. There's the inspirational. Yes, the comedic. There is the funny sport movie. The historical.

That's true. And so it's extremely tough. I have the first pick, though, and I figured out the one sports movie that I don't want to live without. Growing up, it was an incredible movie. It was a coming of age, but also very funny. I'm sad. It's about the game of baseball. I will be taking The Sandlot.

Oh, okay. All right. Man, that is really good. I have a couple I want here, but that's the one I can't live without. That movie was purchased for our kids for Christmas last Christmas.

And I hadn't seen it in years and years and years. And it was one of those movies that reminds me what we let movies get away with for 80s kids movies. Yes. I'm not showing my kids the movie. No, I'm just saying. It's only for me.

It's a great movie. It is. I get it. It reminds me of being a young lad at my birthday party while watching the movie. All right. There's so many different ways to go here. There's one that I think I'm definitely going to get with my fourth pick. I don't think either of you guys will take it.

I would take it with your first pick to be sure. Nope. I'm going to wait and I'll scream at you if you take it. So I'm going to wait for that with my last pick. Excellent foreshadowing. Thank you. Since look, sports movies, lots of different genres, lots of different sports.

I got to go with football to get started. I want, you know, football is what we're into right now. The Fantasy Footballers podcast. And I think that there's just, you know, there's a couple of classics. You could go a couple of different ways. One of the biggest, best classics of all time. I've never seen. So I'm not going to take it.

How do you know it's a classic? Oh, I know. It'll come up. I'll say it when one of you two drafts all right um he's talking about air bud exactly uh no i'm gonna go with remember the titans i mean remember the titans not even on my list just a great all-around movie strong side uh it's the speechaholics favorite, too, because you get to hear

Denzel give about four to eleven speeches. The Gettysburg speech in that movie, it's a very inspirational movie. I'm nearly certain you cried multiple times during that movie. I usually do. So you're going to remember the Titans.

I guess I get two picks now, huh? That is correct. I love it. That's how it works. I love it. It's the replacements. I'm going to go with Field of Dreams, which I'm a huge Kevin Costner fan, James Earl Jones. If you build it.

Just a wonderfully, just a beautiful film. Love it. All right. And then for my second one, I'm going to go with Rocky. That was the one I was hoping would get back to me. Yeah. I mean, Rocky is just iconic. You didn't think of Rocky?

No. I assume that was the classic film you hadn't seen, Jason. I didn't think. No. I don't know why I didn't think of boxing. No, we know why. You don't think boxers are athletes. Yes. You don't think don't know why I didn't think of boxing as, you know. No, we know why. You don't think boxers are athletes. Yes.

You don't think it's a real sport. I just, I was so caught up with, you know. You know, boxers out there when you meet Jason. Boxers and burglars. I think I figured out what his classic movie is now. You think you know which one I have not seen? Yeah, it's Cool Runnings. Oh, no.

Bobsled sports. Dude. That's your number one that is keep it cool over there man it may be on my list oh my god oh it's so great it is a great movie if i i don't disagree that it is an entertaining movie oh man i just thought of another great you're on the clock jay you can take it no i just thought of another great one that i have not seen i've got two great how is it a great one if you've not seen it? Because I hear you two talk about it all the time.

You guys are always like, oh, this is so good. It won't hold up. That is not a good impression. That was an audio clip. We don't sound anything like that. Yeah, that was an audio clip. All right, so Field of Dreams and Rocky, and it's back to Jason. Jason's furiously typing, trying to remember something here.

You have taken Remember the Titans. hockey and it's back to jason jason's furiously typing trying to remember something here oh you have taken remember the titans i'm you could probably take i'm gonna compete with the sandlot here okay no no i know i'm so sad i'm gonna go with the growing up dream no the absolute you know desire of every kid in the world if you get a genie in a bottle oh i break my arm i gotta get that cast i come back stronger i'm the best pitcher in the world rookie of the year it was number two on my list it's if you got san la and rookie of the year it's not fair because that those are like a certain genre within the sports genre of the kids growing up movies. No one at home can see this because it's happening in our show doc. But as Jason was giving the 19 different teases for what movie he was about to say with Rookie of the Year,

Al Borland thought it was a totally different movie and started writing it in. I'm curious. Well, we'll get there if it doesn't get drafted. How did you think it was another movie? Of course it's Rookie of the Year. I literally said Broken Arm and got healed up. I erased it by that point. It was your intro about youth, essentially.

Let's just say Tony Danza was involved. I thought of a third great sports movie that I have not seen that you guys love. I'm coming up with more great movies. So you're super unqualified for this draft. No, there's enough movies for all of us. All right, Mike, you get a pair of picks. As I'm going through this and thinking of and looking at sports movies,

finding ones that are my favorites. Football movies are just not doing it. Yeah. Football is my sport. I mean, you'll tell from my picks, but I'm not the inspirational sports movies. I enjoy them, but they're not. Remember the Titans is not even on my list of. Field of Dreams. Would that have been on your list?

But that's a baseball movie. Right. Baseball movies are much better than the sport. They're great movies. All right. So I got my back-to-back picks, and I don't think a football movie is going to happen here, but my first pick here, which is technically my second pick,

Emilio! Dang it! Estevez! We're going! Quack, quack, quack, Mr. Duxworth. The Mighty Dux will be selected by this guy. Yeah, I'm so sad. That movie is...

Me and Charlie? Yeah. Wanted to be my best friend. Charlie Conway. Hitting up with a triple D. Goldberg. Oh, man. There's so many...

The Mighty Ducks is spectacular. That's what I thought Jason was talking about before he got in. I would have been happy. That is one of the three. Oh, no. That's one of the three. You didn't get to see it? I never saw.

You didn't see number one or number two? I don't think I've seen any of them. Or number three. Other than scenes. The one we don't speak of. Yeah. Number three. Adam Banks.

Let's go. Mighty Ducks is spectacular. Are you taking both movies? No. Okay. No, but that would be an interesting strategy. It would. No, I'm going to take.

He wants the, now real quick before you make your pick. I just want to remind you, there's a great kicker out there. I was going to say, I'll take the garbage kicking, field goal field goal-kicking, Philadelphia phenomenon, or whatever it's called. That's not actually my pick. I'm going to take another baseball movie. I'm going to take Major League. Great pick. Yeah, it's on my short list.

It is hilarious, wild thing. You make my heart sing. I'm a big fan of Major League. Yeah, Major League is very good. I love really over-the-top, slapsticky, funny movies, and you combine that with sports, it's great. And thankfully, you got the second best. I mean, just a bit outside.

I mean, come on. How many times a day do we say that? A lot. I'm going to go with the same genre. I am on the clock, right? Yes. Okay. I'm going to go with the same genre, Okay. I am on the clock, right? Yes. Okay. I'm going to go with the same genre, the slapstick, over the top, wacky, sports.

But mine's... Is it the football one? It's not the football one. All right. It's not the baseball one. It's not the basketball one. It's not the hockey one. It's not the boxing one.

It's the basketball one. Oh, wow. You're going with basketball. Dude, that movie, while inappropriate, is so funny. That is one of the super not classics that I also didn't see. Yeah, don't. Not going to. I don't remember the last time i've

watched that movie for fear of going oh i know i i loved i liked this movie when i was right i know look i have not seen it in a decade so i'm sure based on just spitting out of control just based on people growing up and becoming smarter and wiser. I'm sure if I watch this movie again, I'd be like, ooh. Yes. But, I mean, that movie was one of the funniest movies I'd ever seen when it came out. I absolutely loved it. So I'm drafting the ones that speak to me. All right.

Votes. All right. I get two more. Votes be darned. I like having the double picks in this draft for some reason. I'm going to go. You like having the double picks in this. Yeah, it's nice. For some reason. I'm going to go. I'm going to tell you guys have your rookie of the year. I want you.

And then you have your mighty ducks. I want you to draft both of the ones I haven't seen. I will draft one of them right now because I need my adolescent fun sports movie. And that is Space Jam. There it is. That's two. You got two of them. Space Jam was spectacular.

Bill Murray is in that movie. You have to emphasize the Bill Murray because the rest of the movie is bad. Outstanding. As a kid who loved the NBA, all the actors being Barkley and Jordan and Larry Johnson. Don't forget Sean Bradley. Sean Bradley. And then I will finish my picks out, Field of Dreams, Rocky, Space Jam, and I'll go with Rudy.

That's the other one. You have- Rudy was- Wow, we did it. Probably, it's got to be- It's not on my list. It's got to be one of the most inspirational movies of all time. Right.

And a sports classic, and I loved it. And it was a great movie. Look, all three of those came to my mind because I know they're like big hits. Plus, Samwise Gamgee was in it. The Mighty Ducks, Rudy, Space Jam, but he was. Look, all three of those came to my mind because I know they're like big hits. Plus Samwise Gamgee was in it. The Mighty Ducks, Rudy Space Jam. He was. Yes, he was. Now Frodo wasn't, right?

Correct. Okay. Frodo could have helped him out a little bit. No? Maybe. So my final roster, Field of Dreams, Rocky, Space Jam, and Rudy. Feel good about it. All right, basketball, you get to finish it up.

Man, I just thought of another movie that- Is there any canoeing movies? No. Every time up. Man, I just thought of another movie. Is there any canoeing movies? No. Every time you talk, oh, I just thought of another movie. They're all movies he's never seen. No, no, no. I thought of another movie that I love, and so now there's one pick left and two great sports movies left.

I regret my basketball pick because I would have taken these two movies over basketball, but I wasn't remembering a league of their own which is it's on my list so good but i said i at the beginning of this draft i'm gonna take with my fourth pick a movie that i just loved growing up it was one of those you know how there's always the movie that you snuck as a kid like the movie you were not allowed to see you got told no kids don't listen to this earmuffs earmuffs okay and then it just like for some reason it was on it was on a certain channel and you were able to see it and i grew up andy what did we grow up playing i mean our lives were centered around... Jacks. Jacks. Jackson. No, basketball. High Stakes Jacks.

Basketball, obviously. I mean, basketball was life for me growing up. Yeah, the weather was so nice in Arizona, we were out there playing basketball all the time. And two of my favorite actors teamed up. I mean, Wesley Snipes. Oh, are you going White Man Can't Jump? I'm going White Man Can't Jump.

That movie inspired me. That was definitely a movie I wasn't allowed to watch as a kid. Yeah. For good reason. Children, don't watch it. Because it just came out when we were too young. Yes. As all adult movies are.

It was made for grownups. But I saw this, and I loved it, and I would always think that I'm Woody Harrelson. Grown-ups. But I saw this, and I loved it, and I would always think that I'm Woody Harrelson. Every time I'd go out to a three-on-three tournament, I'd be like, I'd wear my super short shorts, and I'd just be trying to be the shark out there. I don't know what I'm doing. And then the game starts. Ooh, sandbagging.

Watch out. Watch out. I know Mike won't take this, and he's got the final pick. By the way, Jason's team, remember the Titans, Rookie of the Year, Basketball, and White Men Can't Jump. He has selected more movies with more total words in the titles than all of us combined. Impressive. I mean, those are impressive.

The Natural was one that I was going to bring up. You are correct. I would not be taking that. But you guys weren't going to touch it with a 10-foot pole. That's a Robert Redford movie. You probably never even heard of him based on your modern references. But that movie has some sick music. It has good

music? The song. The natural song when he hits that home run is iconic. What's the song? You can play it. Well, we can't right now. Alright. I hit a home run. How about

Blue Chips? I loved that's. How about blue chips? Can I? I loved that. Is that Penny Hardaway? That was Shaq? Yeah. Penny. Yeah.

I never saw it. What? No. Oh, man. That's the air up there. I was going to bring it up. Is that Kevin Bacon? Yeah.

That's what the guy that he brought over. And he pretends like he doesn't know how to play basketball. And then he's great. Yeah. Yeah. All right. That was a video rental's great. Yeah. All right. That was a video rental that I can remember. Mike is sitting here going, do I really take Mighty Ducks 2?

No, no, no. That's what Mike is staring down. No, there are two movies that I am considering. What's hard, though, is you want the drafts to be fresh and new. Tin cup. And I've, in fact, already drafted this movie before. Wow. But I'm going to do it again because I'm going to take Happy Gilmore.

That's fine. Booyah. That's fine. It's a sports movie. Yes. One of the best comedies of all time. It's really great because if you look at Mike's team, it 100% follows what he said.

He is not able to be inspired by anything. No. It's the Sandlot Mighty Ducks. More like Schmiracle. Major League and Happy Gilmore. Wow. That was his whole team? That's all comedy.

I'm not going to lie. I like those movies. It's ironic. When you say best sports movies, it's like those are not what I think of, but they're very good movies. I was burgled. I really wanted to go Sandlot Rookie of the Year to open it up. Which are both not inspirational sports movies.

In my defense, I wanted to take another non-traditional sports movie. The other movie I was thinking of, which I haven't gone back, and I got a little basketball scared, but Kingpin was so great at the time, but I don't know how it holds up with the way I view life now. Caddyshack. Yeah, Caddyshack is probably one that a lot of people. Caddyshack. Oh, they're yelling right now, the Caddyshack. Yeah, Caddyshack is probably one that a lot of people. Smadyshack. Oh, they're yelling right now, the Caddyshack truthers.

They're out there. Most people out there are yelling at Hoosiers not being drafted. But I never saw Hoosiers. You know what I see? Hoosiers. Good luck. Let's see. There you go.

Thank you. You're welcome. What did we learn today? I learned that Mike has a very strategic one-square hot dog chimney sweep that has served him well in life, and I've really learned. May it serve you all well as it has served me. As you move forward. That's risky business, though, because if you do happen to slip the finger out, it could be a finger wipe. Yes. And if the out you could be with yes it could be a finger wipe yes it and if the ply isn't thick enough it could be a finger wipe

there's risks i didn't say it was safe but i said it was effective okay it performed with 100 accuracy i learned that the the the burgling demographic they are they are not representative. Underserved. People think bad things about those who burgle. And I learned just how much fun I have with the thought of ruining everyone's yawns in New York City, shouting, run it! I would have more respect for burglars if they went back to their roots. What, like a cat burglar? Yeah, they need to be in the full outfits with a bag, like with a big burlap sack.

That has a money sign on it? If you have that money sign burgle bag, you can fill it with as much as you want. I will give you that permission. Now, in fairness. You can't go beyond the bag, though. Put whatever you want in the bag and get out. They had a code back then.

Absolutely. I think it just got hard to get away with it. I think what happened was people were like, dude, that guy's up to no good. I'm pretty confident that guy's going to burgle somebody. Was it that or was it the Hamburglar? When he broke on the scene, did that ruin it for everyone? I just think that clearly they're not tiptoeing around enough. You said hard to get away with it,

but they would be able to get away with it if they tiptoed. Why is it when you tiptoe, does it make that sound? Yeah, that's not sneaky at all. No, it's like an alert. Check out spitballerspod.com if you want to become an official member of the Spitwads. We'll see you next week. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

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