Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 6: Lying Your Way Into a Job and Magical Mischief - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 23, 2018

On today's Spitballers comedy podcast Mike is horrified at what Jason makes his children do. Find out exactly what the song "Set Them Piggies Free" really means. The guys also discuss the jobs they can lie their way through and get away with it. Finally, due to the popularity of mock drafts, their at it again as the guys are drafting their favorite Disneyland rides!  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Welcome Welcome in to yet another episode of the Spitballers Podcast. Who are the buffoons they're talking about? Well, here's the thing. It can't possibly be me. There's one really known buffoon commodity on this show. But we didn't want to make him feel bad and be like, what happens when two guys and one idiot start talking about things? I just punched William Wallace in the face.

What? Yeah. I don't know who the buffoon is you're talking about. But it's a true story. We've got this really nice studio. Sorry, no video for the spitballers. But people want it. The people are

asking we're like no face is made for uh radio i just leaned back and uh yawned and stretched and i took out william wallace i see in our set so there was a william wallace figuring and you punched it i punched it right yeah that's our producer's name, William. I was so confused. I was too. That was left field. But a buffoon's going to buffoon. Yes. Welcome into the podcast.

We have a fun show today. Great question. Favorites. We're talking favorites. We've got a mock draft on the show. I'm very excited for this mock draft. I know you are. It's kind of your wheelhouse.

Jason lives the life too. Yeah, I was going to say. I'm winning excited for this mock draft. I know you are. It's kind of your wheelhouse. Jason lives the life too. Yeah, I was going to say, I'm winning this one. And Jason, you've recovered from having your eyes dilated multiple days ago. Oh, mercy. I don't know if this is like, you know, I couldn't do any research on it because my eyes were dilated to the point where I couldn't see or read. Very common thing to happen when you get your eyes examined. They dilate your eyes so they can see them better.

Right. And so then you can see worse. Apparently my vision when dilated is 2200, which is not good. It's not like officially blind, but it's not good. And I couldn't see jack squat. officially blind but it's not good and i couldn't see jack squat and then uh you know i look on i hear it's like oh four hours six hours eight hours 36 hours later i can't see squat yeah your eyes they looked strange for a very long time you did not react well to it a bad experience at the eye doctor yeah wasn't good i went you don't like your eyes being touched anyway.

No, I am a gigantic baby. And I don't mean that just because I'm overweight. I mean, like, the level of what a baby I am is also high. Spiders and having your eyes messed with are at the top of that list. What about a... Oh, stop it, Mike. A spider on your eye. Stop it!

Wait, is it because spiders have eight eyes? I don't know, man. Somehow there's a correlation between this fear of... I don't know. I don't... It's just... A spider on the eye would be an instant heart attack. It doesn't matter, venomous, non-venomous.

If a spider... How could that happen how could you sleep with your eyes open right that i mean i i need to go throw up right now just thinking about the legs crawling on a you can find us on twitter at spitballers pod spitballers pod.com is the website we love it when you go over there and send us your questions. We love our website. We love it. Yeah, that's what it sounded like.

The internet is ablaze with this website. Spitballerspod.com. We love it. Yeah, send in your questions. We love hearing from you and answering your questions specifically, so make sure you do it. We are trying to make the world a better place, one subscription at a time on Apple Podcasts, on Google Play,

and wherever you're listening. Thank you for your reviews. Thanks for supporting the podcast. Guys, I'm just going to get right into it. Okay. That's a great question. All right. Let's start here. Let's start here. Here's a great question. All right. Let's start here.

Let's start here. Here's a great question, gentlemen. If you could only learn one magic spell and it could only do something mundane and boring, what would that spell do? That's a great question. That is a great question. This would be something that fixes

maybe a very minor problem in your life but you never have to mess with it again now what if it's boring and mundane but fixes a major problem in my life is this is this doable yes i mean if you're gonna have to elaborate it is mundane and boring so i think to myself like what what are my problems i need fixed and look you two gentlemen you're getting in shape. You're getting fit. You're losing this weight. You can probably put...

Come on. Stop selling yourself short. You're working on it. I'm working on it. But let me tell you what is still very difficult. Putting shoes on. Putting shoes on. Do you need the...

What's that sock thing? The sock sled? What are you talking about? So this is one of those made for TV. Oh, yeah. What's that sock thing? The sock sled? What are you talking about? So this is one of those made for TV or as seen on TV inventions for elderly people who have a hard time putting their socks on. I thought that was just a shoehorn. No, but this is for socks. And it's this huge contraption that basically you... Are you sure it's called the sock sled?

That's what I thought it was called. Is it called something else? I don't know. I can't find it. All I see is Christmas socks. So what happens is you unfold your sock onto the device, so it leaves a gaping wide hole for you to slide your foot in. They call them sock aids. Sock aids?

Yeah, like an aid. That's a terrible name. Sock sliders is such a better name. Do you want sock aids? No, thank you A. That's a terrible name. Sock Slider is such a better name. Do you want Sock AIDS? No, thank you. As seen on TV, Sock Slider. Oh, maybe that one's it. Sock Slider.

That's an upgrade. If you ask me, hey, Jason, which one of these do you want? Do you want a Sock Slider or do you want Sock AIDS? I'm going with the Slider. This is it. It's the sock slider. All right. It's almost like a shoehorn for socks.

But it's... See, I have... The commercial is just... It's everything you hope and dream out of these ones where people can't do something like put on a sock. Falling over. And I get there's a market for people who are in pain. I'm not very flexible.

I don't expect to be putting on socks much longer. Yeah, my belly gets in the way. On my own. My belly gets in the way. So that's the spell? What's the name of it? Well, the spell would have to work both directions, okay? Because...

Aidsio. Oh, no. Oh, no. No, we don't. No Aidsio. That's awful. No, I think because the spell would work both ways. I've got to be able to take my shoes off and my socks off or put them on.

We have a little song in my house that we sing. This tradition started with my wife, and it's going to go for many generations. But we sing a song, set them piggies free when we when we take the socks off and we go as as we're as you're pulling the sock you set them piggies free to do to do do set them piggies free that is a true story i now want i want to i want to be clear. I want sock AIDS after hearing that. So that I would like socket. That is the spell.

Incantation is set them. Piggy is free to do. And then my, my shoes fly off. My socks fly off. And you know, my spell incantation. I feel like you really need the,

no, you need the spray shoes from cloudyy with a Chance of Meatballs. Heck yeah. I think that would serve you better than this magic spell to set your piggies free. I don't know. This seems pretty good. Better than sock aids. Okay, so you've set your piggies free.

Where does the sock go? Does it just go right to the ground? You put the pigs in a blanket at that point. Yeah, it just goes on the ground. But then you still have to pick it up. Okay, it goes in the laundry basket. It's magic. Well, that's what I want to know what it does.

Then I'm calling laundry basket. I think I want a spell. Like Mary Poppins situation. It just floats along as you sing about piggies. I've become rather addicted to all of the apps that deliver things to my house really quickly and Uber Eats and Prime Now. There's something about having food prepared and made for you and then handed to you. So you want a chef?

Well, I'm just saying, if I'm sitting on the couch, I think the ability, mundane and boring, to access my fridge and my pantry and all of those things at the flick of a wrist, snackio, I think that'd be nice. It's just something funny that if someone brings, you know, I oftentimes turn my children into slaves by saying, hey, go get me a soda out of the fridge. Go get me that.

I just want that to be magical. That way I'm not a bad father. No, that's called earning your keep. You're not right. Go earn your keep. Yeah. Who do you think sings set them piggies free around me? It's my children.

You make the kids sing it? Well, who do you think I make take my shoes off? When's the last? Oh, my gosh. What was the last rent check your kids cut? So all of our magic spells are just things we already make our children do for us? Yes, our children are magic. Your children have to peel your socks off your feet.

Well, they don't have to, but they get to. Oh, my goodness. You are telling me that you are a grown man and your children... Set his piggies free. Your children pull your socks off. children set his piggies free. Your children pull your socks off. I set their piggies free too. It's a you scratch my back situation. I'll scratch yours. But these spells work well together because if I can snack you,

that makes it harder to get the shoes on, yo. And so then set them piggies free. This is just not a fair deal though your feet at the end of the day oh they're wrecked compared to that of a child i mean there is a a moisture situation there is a odor situation there's probably a toenail i was just saying if you if you can't get down there to get the socks out these toenails aren't well manicured look you have you seen them in a while what you don't know don there to get the socks off, these toenails aren't well manicured. Look. Have you seen them in a while?

What you don't know don't hurt you. It hurts them. They don't know it. I don't think the room and board is worth it. They're going to move out? I'd have the sack over my shoulder. They're moving out. Age five. The thumb would be out the window.

Going to hit a boxcar? Oh, I'm going to hit a boxcar. Ride the rails? Yeah. All right, Mike. What's your magic spell? We need to bring hitchhiking back, by the way, just as an aside. Really? Oh, I'm going to hit him on the rails. Yeah. All right, Mike. What's your magic spell? We need to bring hitchhiking back, by the way, just as an aside.

Really? That's not something that- I think that hitchhiking comes with a very large set of problems. For another time. Serial killers. Well, the initial one I was going to go with was dinner because making dinner is absolutely the worst. I thought dinner was the problem with hitchhiking. I'm putting myself in the situation like, oh, you don't want to impose on the driver to stop for dinner? Now I don't want to go through the drive-thru.

I'm going to have to order two meals. It's unbelievable. Every time I pick up a hitchhiker, the first thing out of their mouth, a dinner. You mind if we hit the McDonald's? I just picked you up. I'm giving you a ride. Sorry, sorry.

Proceed with your actual spell. But making dinner would be fabulous because that is the worst time of night. I do not understand the families that, and if you have the energy and the power to do it have that fully cooked meal more power to you i don't i don't know how you do it i am so i amazed now as a father as an adult as a husband i'm amazed that that that was the routine of my house growing up there was always family dinner home cooked on the table and like that's so much work like no it's it's insane because it's amazing but i'm i missed that a little bit we have my wife and i we made the

decision okay i'm gonna be the one who goes and does work she will stay home with the kids but the thing is i i'll come home from work and you know you're tired the last thing you want to do is make dinner and if you've ever had to care for three children the entire goal of the day is to keep them alive it's to speak to another adult and by the time dinner comes around you're like i'm out not gonna do it so no one wants to do dinner so a magic spell for that but would it be like um what would the spell be would it be like blue apron the problem blue apron is you gotta make it all it's delicious and easy but it's not easy enough it's not easy like a magic spell i found one of those services that also does all the cutting and chopping and in prep work closer but then it costs another two bucks a meal but even still i don't want it closer i want

food ready to eat i want it done i want to wait that's just called pizza yeah i was gonna say the so is and we're back to not seeing your toes pizza delivery is the closest we have free to do we could get that that uh hydrator machine from back to the future too or you just you put the pizza in there and it takes about 30 seconds. We're almost there. We're almost there. You went with food. I'll go with the simple one of a magic spell and it makes my children

close and go on in the morning and they have their teeth brushed. Oh my gosh. That saves you two hours a day. Alright, this is a great question. What high level job do you think you could lie your way into with no experience and no one would notice? Which, I'll say this, there was a 30 for 30 about.

Did you ever see the guy that tried to buy the Mets but he didn't have the money to buy the Mets, he didn't have the collateral to get the loan to buy the Mets, but he lied and faked his way all the way through to where he was acclaimed in the city of New York as the savior of buying this team. Wow. And it went all the way down until almost the end of the line in buying the team,

and he didn't. Yeah, of course he didn't. He doesn't have the millions of dollars. What was the end game? The end game was to convince these banks to loan him this money. Wow. But he didn't really have any of the pedigree, any of the history, any of the fake companies he owned.

That's bananas. I feel like I could lie. Could you lie your way into something? Because you could demean a profession really quickly here. Oh, and I plan on it. I plan on it. Well, not necessarily, because you have a catch me if you can situation where a lawyer and a doctor.

A surgeon? See, that's when I feel like you can't lie your way into being a surgeon because what if you've got to do a surgery? I mean, first of all, I'd just faint. But, you know, I would also not have any idea what I was doing. But I feel like most jobs. You just go scalpel, stat. Most jobs I could lie my way into but i want i don't want

an average job i want a really high paying yeah this is high level high level job and i think the one that i could convince is a psychiatrist i i mean psychiatrists or colleges psychiatry psychiatrist has an actual medical degree That's the one then And can give out actual medication Oh yeah I can give out whatever I want I could talk my way Into that for sure

And the thing is If I am the worst And this is no offense to any Psychologist out there That is great Or psychiatrist Whichever one No offense to any psychologist out there that is great. Or psychiatrist. Or psychiatrist.

Whichever one. Which one does the medication? The psychiatrist. Then that's me. I'm a psychiatrist. No offense to you. The one that you have to get the more exhaustive degree is the one he could lie himself into. I like that he's going to lie away to a job that he isn't sure he can explain. Oh, but that's the reason I'm so –

I'm the local psychologist here. Wait, what? That's the reason – Which one are you looking for? Chiatrist or anologist? You tell me. You tell me. I can be whatever you want.

I double dip. But the thing is, is it's like if I'm going in, dip but the thing is is it's like if if i'm going in i just already grant that person that they know what they're doing if they told me the stupidest craziest things to do or to say or to to look at benefit of the doubt i'm saying huh oh you're saying the advice you are receiving whatever the advice i'm receiving or the questions they're asking. Because they're the professional. They're the professional. And in that situation, I don't really have a boss, right?

Because this is my own practice. I talked my way into everyone believing I'm going to help you with your problems. And let's be honest, I'm pretty good at helping people with their problems. Is there a job, Mike, that we would want to see Jason have to pretend he's an expert at? Because what comes to mind for me is I want him swimming with the orca whales. Wow. Is that like a death sentence? No, I just want to see you pretend.

If you're in front of the crowd, you're the expert to all of them. You're in the wetsuit. God help it. Oh, man. Which one's the orca? That thing's never coming off. Sorry, Jay. No, that's fine.

And now you're going to perform. It's almost like if you're a magician so in in vegas and you're like and begin i'm not the trainer i'm the orca no you're not the orca there are now three whales but if you were in that position it's kind of like one of those uh impractical jokers gags right at the end you have to come out on stage i just want to see you have to go and perform with an orca with no knowledge i would so much prefer that to other like when you say what job do you think we should give jason the one that i was most fearful of like what came to mind like oh gosh that would terrify me i would go home crying every night would be if I was a high-end college university English professor.

These kids would know so much more about sentence structure and literacy. It is funny how a person that tells you there's something automatically gets the authority associated with it, right? Oh, yeah. But like you said, the psychiatrist, you walk in there, and even if they say the most ridiculous things, you're like, this must be something you've learned in college, and I need to be open-minded to it.

Exactly. That's why I want that. And this is why financial professionals ruin people's lives. They must know what they're doing. What can you guys tell me? In Ron, eh? lives they must know what they're doing what can you get in ron a the so the high level job that i think i could get into and just just put me back there and i'll figure it out and you'll be tricked going with a high level chef because no way because here's the thing about a high level

creativity it's all about creativity and presentation. You need the largest, whitest plate that you can find in the entire universe. And then the tiniest little piece of food. Because that is high level. That's fancy. That's fancy cuisine. I mean, I can grill a steak. I can grill a steak, hit it with a hole punch. So it's just this tiny little circle.

I put that in the middle of a plate, and then I take the gravy, and I make a couple swoops. And then you could serve the hole-punched other piece as a creative, tasteful thing where you fill the hole with some type of jelly. I've seen the high-level cuisines, and it's so tiny. It is so preposterous to me that this is – how is this a thing? I just watched a Chef's Table episode on Netflix, which they highlight all these high-level chefs,

and the cavalier amazing talent of this pastry chef, which she was very talented. I watched the same one. But you know what her creativity was? It was, I'm not going to frost the outside of the cake. I thought the same thing. I was like, frost the inside? No, because you want to see the layers of the cake.

And that was the creative, I want to frost it. It's become this famous fad. And so I came in watching this. To not frost a cake? To not frost the outside edges. The outside edge. And Tiffany, my wife. So to your credit, you could do it.

You could do it. You could do it. You just nailed it. You could do this. Because whatever you want to do, you can do. So her big creative push was simply, I don't want to do my job. Kind of, yeah. It was like, I'm a cake maker. My job is best done with less.

I came in halfway through that episode. I came in halfway through that episode. And. I came in halfway through that episode. And my wife was like, this is the woman who invented the frostless. Oh, yeah. And I was like, when it showed it, I was like, how is this better? How is that something people want? But here's the best part about this whole that whole documentary. Her real breakthrough, her real breakthrough came when she figured out she was going to make this dish, and it uses milk, but she wanted to flavor the milk.

And she thought of cereal, because cereal flavors milk. And so she's going to flavor this milk with cereal. Sounds like a good idea. She goes to this aisle. It's got all these cereal boxes. She picks up cornflakes. Cornflakes. Yeah. Not frosted flakes. Corn flakes. Yeah.

Not frosted flakes. Not Froot Loops. Okay. Corn flakes. The flavorless cereal. Okay, in my head, I was hearing corn pops. I'm like, okay, you could just dump cereal or sugar into the bowl, but corn flakes. Corn flakes. Yeah, and then it makes the milk a flavor, and then she makes pastries with that milk

instead of regular milk. So, yes. Mike, you can be a high-level chef. No. Bran flavored. Corn flakes are not bran. But that could be the next one. I know they're corn, but.

And, you know, another thing that. Yeah, I'm going there, by the way. I'm going to the milk bar in Vegas. Another place I could fit in easily as a chef is the ballparks, the baseball parks and the football stadiums. Their new big thing they do is they just make a giant atrocity of food. It's a 12-foot hot dog. It's a one-foot-long hot dog.

We're going to cover it in nacho cheese and Froot Loops and then put churros on top of it. I feel like I could accomplish this. I do this at my home. This is how I eat dinner. I would go the medical route. I would go. I'd become the dermatologist because I feel like that is a,

that one's like everything I see, I'll take it out. I mean. Yeah, we're going to need to remove that. We'll send it to the lab and we'll let you know. I go in there and they got like a little monocle. And they look with the monocle. Yeah, that looks good. Put down heart-shaped.

That one's heart-shaped. That's a four-leaf clover. And I'd be just like, yeah, let's take it. Let's take it. It's like the dentist that takes everything. Fill it. Fill that tooth. Do you have the ability inside you, though, to scalpel people?

No. No, no, no. That's my assistant's job. I'm pretty sure the dermatologist has to do that part. I don't think so. The actual cutting? I think that if you're the- Yeah, they do.

They do. But if you're the actual dermatologist, you're the one in charge, and you tell the other person, no, this is your job. They're not going to go, no, it's not. You want to be fired? You want to be fired? You want your job? Cut that out.

All right. Let's move on. Our favorite things. All right. This first favorite thing that we're going to debate. This might take an hour. All right, this first favorite thing that we're going to debate has actually spawned another idea for a segment for the people out there. And I want to start with the favorite nickname for a grandparent

because I know that there's going to be some hot debate here. Oh, goodness. And I almost feel like this segment should be called Right Way, Wrong Way. Yeah. Where we just declare that, look, there's right and there's wrong in the world. But it came to my attention on a recent episode of our other podcast, The Fantasy Footballers, that Mike has a very strong opinion about what you should call a grandparent. And Jason has a different opinion.

The correct opinion. As I said, right and wrong. So debate this kind of standard in our society and what the nickname for a grandparent should be because I've seen it all. Yeah, I guess I'll start. And Mike, your opinion was strong. You believe firmly.

I believe strongly that if you're a grandma or your grandpa, you are either grandma, grandpa. I'll even accept grandfather, grandmother. That's kind of weird. That's kind of weird? Because I'm not a man of extreme traditions, and you've got to go back. But it's just the other options on the table that I'm sure my colleague is going to lay out. And there are a few of them in my life.

My wife's parents, she insisted. So her mother insisted on not being grandma. So she had to go through the process of figuring out what her name was. And I'm like, what's wrong with grandma? I mean, that's strong is what is what you are grandma salters no so she had to become nana i've got a nana and so i said what like nana banana she did not like she did not like that when i had my kids calling her nana banana whoa you made the kids do it?

You're darn right I did because you need to be shamed. No, listen. Nana, Papa, I've heard Mama, Grammy, Gammie, Yaya. There's a boo-boo. There is a tea-taw. There is a ta-taw. These are not jokes. These exist.

Those sound like state parks. Yes, these exist in my wife's national parks and i am over here just drowning and struggling to stay afloat of just so grandma and grandpa do you have to inherit those then oh my kids call them are you do you say grandma or do you have to say nana no do you say nana do you tell your kids do you refer to her as nana oh yes come to the dark side because look when i first had kids i'm just gonna use first names now hey ted when when i first had kids i was the same opinion you were i was like i don't want to do all these crazy like this is this is grandpa more this is grandma more that's great

yeah and then my wife was like no it's distinguished and so you've earned that you have lived a life but now of full and richness and now you are grandpa more but gammy oh my goodness. Gammy is so special. Gammy has no teeth? That's gummy. No, no. If you change your name to Gammy, you automatically just get full gingivitis, and your teeth immediately fall out of your mouth. Gammy. Gammy is, we have a Gammy, a Grammy, which are different. We have a Paw Paw and a Pop Paw.

We have a G2. What? Like Gatorade? We have a G2 because if you're the great-grandfather, you're G2. See, that's cool. No, if you are great. You're a great-grandfather, you're a G2. Yeah, because calling someone your great-grandpa, that's a little too much.

Extra old grandfather. I like that one. You're the extra old, right? Old father. Yeah, no, look. The uniqueness of having a name that is only yours. So Mike would

like original names versus inheriting any of these grandma pop pop. Grammy and pop pop yeah well it's just and i don't know g2 grammy and pop pop i can get custom made things for grammy they say grammy on it you know i don't have to have this super long grandmother doucette well that's like i said grandma doucette that's still pretty long, Mike. Grandma D. Oh, no. All right.

Nope. We're going to go with Grammy. Favorite thing at a buffet. Hold on. Hold on. Okay. All right. I just want to clarify. I'm fine with nicknames of the official title, but it's just like shortening them.

So G2, that's fine. But Gramps, Grams, I'm okay with that because you're taking... That's what Gammy is. No, no, it is not. You have deconstructed it and made a new word. Yeah, you're Garmother. Yeah, Gammy. So if there's an R in there, Grammy is fine.

That's Grandma, Grammy. Yeah, Grammy's probably okay. But Gammy is not okay. Grammy is far better than Gammy and Boo Boo and Tito's and... And now you know. What is far better than Gammy and Boo Boo and Tita's and Yum Yum's. And now you know, what is your favorite thing at a buffet? So you, um, Jason, this might be the hardest decision you've ever had to make.

This is not a fair question. No, it's like which of your kids is your favorite? Right. That's the actual question. What's your favorite thing at a buffet? I always try to go safe. If I'm going to pick a favorite thing at a buffet, I'm trying to go safe. If I'm going to pick a favorite thing at a buffet, I'm trying to... I stay away from the red meats at buffets.

I stay away from things that I deem not fit to sit. Right? Then you must have quit. Yeah. Not fit to sit. If I'm stuck in a buffet, I don't want something that could be percolating, building some bacteria on it for all the time it's been sitting there during the day. I'll go ahead.

So I'm a dessert buffet guy. I'll get my bad food take out of the way because I know that Jason will not approve of this. When I go to a buffet... Oh, I know where you're going. No, you don't. You're going to go like pizza. Nope. All right.

Nope. The first thing that is always available in a buffet is the salad bar. And I make the most gigantic, ridiculous, salad-drenched, egg-covered, cheese-everywhere salad that by the time I am done with that, I barely have enough strength to get up and go see what the rest of the buffet has to offer. So your favorite thing is the opener. I love the salad bar. Do you like the control?

Instead of somebody's bringing you a salad. That could be it. Because I've been around you, Mike, and we've ordered food together, and you're very particular with your salad requests. Okay, no croutons, no tomatoes. Sure. A thousand island on the side, but also 1,000 island dribbled on top. Three drops on this leaf, four drops on that leaf.

I'm so disgusted right now. The best part of the salad bar is I know we've now, as a society, we have improved, and hard-boiled eggs are appearing more and more in salads. They are all the rage. Because they really should be in every single salad. But back in the day, when I would go to the buffet with my grandpa, who was most certainly... Pop-pop.

If my grandpa, this distinguished businessman, if he had soiled his reputation of being a gampy or something like that, my opinion of him would be so different. He'd be in the middle of a business deal, and you run up to him and you go, hey, gampy, and they're like, no deal. No deal. I thought you were a professional. My memories of him are just he is such a stoic man because he is grandpa.

He's no gampy. But we would go to the buffet with him, and eggs were a treat for salads at that time. So half my plate would be hard-boiled eggs. I can't pay buffet money for a salad. No, thank you. That's the problem I have. You don't go to... I get it.

If you want a salad... Ooh, $13 for a salad with unlimited eggs? No, thank you. If you want a salad buffet, then go to a stupid salad buffet restaurant where that's what they do, which is so stupid because they're still overpriced. And SSBR, as he calls it. Yeah.

More like BM. I mean, just the worst. Oh, there is BMs afterwards. You need roughage. If I am going to a buffet, my favorite part is going to be the food, which salad does not apply. Salad is not food. Salad is rabbit food. Okay, new rule.

Human food is what I like at the buffet. There's so many things to narrow down. Look, breakfast is my favorite of the buffets. If I've got to pick breakfast, lunch, dinner, I'm going breakfast. They don't generally mix those, though. No, but you've got to... I'm not a buffet expert. Oh, I am.

And no, they don't usually mix those, but if you plan it right, which I do, you come at the end of breakfast. You get the turnover? Oh, you get the turnover. I have done many a breakfast... Oh, be there at the turn? ...and lunch buffet.

That's a professional move. I'm a professional buffeteer. The thing is, if I have to pick one thing. Buffeteer? Buffeteer. I can see them with like six different watches up an arm, and they've all got different, the watch faces all have different restaurant names on on it and it has the turn time oh look if we make the turn here at uh the old country

i can get over get down to luby's uh yeah oh man that's where the gammy's are by the way oh yeah so hungry right now um wow so you can be there at the turn they don't double charge you no no they don't no they don't uh not not if you're saw you with pancakes, and now you've got a steak. Double. If I had to pick one thing, there is usually a banana cream pudding with vanilla wafers. Just a vat of it, a bathtub full. I can eat that endlessly. You can get inside of it.

Man, I'm going golden crow right now. All right. Favorite fast food French fries. Oh, my gosh. That's easy. I'm not proud of it. In fact, I'm ashamed of it. You're ashamed of the fries?

He likes McDonald's. You're darn right. McDonald's. There's nothing wrong with that. They print out fantastic fries. They print. Yeah. They're 3D printed now. They 3D print the fantastic fries. They print. Yeah. They're 3D printed now.

They 3D print the perfect fries. And I know that there's chemicals and stuff. That's not this discussion. To make it perfect. Just your favorite. Yeah. Just McDonald's. When it's perfect, it's perfect.

So there is no thought for you considering, I mean, all the options that are out there, and they are endless. You're still going with the OG McDonald's skinny fries. 100%. To get that Burger King fat fry out of my face, I'll walk on them over to the McDonald's, and then I'll cry myself to sleep. From the bathroom.

I'll go with In-N-Out Burger. I think they're my favorite fry. What? I can get behind this, but there's a caveat to that. You have to eat it immediately. That goes with McDonald's fries, too. No, that is not true. I can eat McDonald's fries days later.

Really? Yeah, I can, too. They don't change. But In-N-Out fries, because they're cooked without all those wonderful preserving chemicals, if you don't eat them immediately, you don't want to like go through the drive-thru take that home you feel like you're basically at you know when you go to a theme park and you're progressing through an exhibit that's what fries it in an out burger like because you're in the drive-thru line you see the windows one guy's got the potato he's chopping it the next guy's putting it through

the machine then the next guy's frying it and then they hand it to me and i can eat them for days oh they're they're great the problem with in and out fries is you have to get them animal style or they're simply inedible that is false but no animal style is great you have to cover them with cheese spread and grilled onions. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but I'll eat them plain. No, the thing is all fries would benefit from that. Oh, I'm so hungry right now for fries. For a French fries, you have to have that.

It is just shameful. All right, Mike, you must have something in mind. I'm having some difficulty choosing between the two. There's only one other option that is worthy of bringing up. I think I know what option you are referring to. Jack in the Box? And that is in. The Jack in the Box.

The Curly Fry Season Curlies. The Season Curlies from Jack in the Box or Arby's. They're identical. They're the same thing. Those are so good. But Arby's does not give you with the upcharge. The ridiculous upcharge of Jack in the Box trying to get their 40 cents for the season 30.

Are they actually identical? Worth it. Pretty much. I mean, yeah, I'm sure. Don't you worry about the quantity you actually get of those fries? Yes. You can stuff so many regular fries into a box, but if you put Curlies in, I feel like sometimes they get like

three gigundous Curlies. No, no. I have had many, many trips to the J-Box where I get the supersized fry and I come home. You're like, this thing is half full. Yeah. Yeah, because they take up a lot of space in a curl. They're not efficient. I have never, ever gotten home from any place with French fries that aren't half full when

I get home. That's fair. Yeah. I don't know what you're talking about. Because you're eating them? They should come out with, they should have a car pack. Like, you get the bag, they hand it to you, and then they go, and then here's for the car.

And they give you a small container. Like, Five Guys gives you those extra fries in the bag. You need a car bag. You are on to something. Because who doesn't reach their hand in that bag, dig around, and find one, and eat them on the way home? So I was struggling, like I said. So I love the seasoned curlies.

But the number one, it's the Chick-fil-A, Chris Cutts, waffle fry. The waffle fry is. Don't you feel like you need Chick-fil-A sauce for those? No. Polynesian. No. If you take their Polynesian. Polynesian.

The Polynesian sauce with their fries is incredible. Get out of here with your bad takes. No. Psychopath. No. If you're going sauce for the waffle fries, it's the Chick-fil-A sauce all the way. Also great. It doesn't need it.

The waffle fries stand alone as a meal. Final question. Have you ever in your entire life had fries made at home that tasted remotely good? I do not have a deep fryer at home, so no, because they come out of the oven and they're stupid. Good. I do not have a deep fryer at home, so no, because they come out of the oven and they're stupid. Yeah, the oven-baked fries, you are always like, hey, they're fries. I did have a friend when I was growing up in elementary school. You had a friend?

Uh-huh. I had one friend. But every Friday, we would go to his house after school, and his mom would – Deep fry? They had a deep fryer. What? after school and his mom would they had they had a deep fryer and they would make freaking french fries and it was this huge treat for friday after school and it was amazing because they were really like it's fresh legit fries you ever talk about that family like oh you know that kid's mom got

a deep fry is that grade school or high school that That was grade school. Did he make it to high school? I will say that he was a plumper fella. They had a deep fryer at home. It's not his fault. A plumper fella was not the careful way of saying that. What do you want? Big boned? Thank you, Mike. Well fed.

Speaking of the homemade treats, did you ever have anybody that owned the ice cream maker where you mix the salt in and do all that no that was always really good that was always a treat my my gammy used to i feel like it does it take five hours to make yeah but it was that's part of the whole experience what that's a terrible part of the experience anticipation it's, you know what the anticipation is? The drive-through line at Dairy Queen as I wait. We've matured as a society. I agree. Let's move on. The Spitballers Draft. All right, Mike, you introduce this one. This is the one you had set up.

So from time to time, we like to do a draft where we take turns selecting from a list we did a breakfast food draft recently yes and where we essentially we build our team uh of things and today we will be building our team of the best disneyland rides and we discussed it before the show we we are going to allow Disneyland and California Adventure. We're going to allow California Adventure? I say we get rid of it and make it harder. Oh, do you?

Yeah, let's go Disneyland only. Because then we can do a California Adventure draft, which I could do that too. Yep. Look, Disneyland is my jam. I am there yearly at Christmas time. It's my favorite time of the year. I love it. And I actually think that i am first i believe did

you do a random what no because you started and then andy went i'm just but who goes second then this is why we oh okay jason it always just slides over one spot stinks so i probably won't take what you're gonna take no i know but i know what you're gonna take and i was gonna take it from you putting putting a team of rides together to complement one another, to be the best, most powerful team possible, is the key of the draft. So three picks? Yeah. And look, just so that everybody's aware,

I have pre-written down the three best rides without a question. Just to see if they'd be stolen from you? Yeah, because anyone that could possibly assemble this three-pack would win. And I'm sure it can't happen. Mike, where are you leading us off? Kick it off. With the very first pick of the Disneyland draft, I am selecting Splash Mountain.

Yes! I told you I wouldn't be taking yours. All right, good. Splash Mountain is the best ride at Disneyland for so many reasons. Is the best ride at Disneyland for so many reasons. The free fall of the giant flume plunge is some of the best seconds that you can have in a day. Where your tum-tum just goes soaring up into your throat. Yeah, until you're walking around in soppy, soggy, wet clothes. I feel like that's part of the fun experience is that Russian roulette situation of who's going to get wet.

It's always me. I'm the fat guy. I'm the heavy part of the bloom. Why is being fat making more wet? Because I weigh the thing down and all the water comes at the deepest point. So you've got to learn the technique of you take your feet and you cram them up under the sides of the log and you make sure that your feet stay dry, because the rest of you, you'll be all right,

as long as you don't have soggy feet. Sounds like a great ride, Mike. You've got to learn how to shove your feet up into areas. It's very easy to do it, but on top of it already being the best ride, this is the roller coaster that I can actually still go on with my children and not be violently ill for three hours. That is a win. I have a pick that I know I still go on with my children and not be violently ill for three hours. That is a win. I have a pick that I know I'm not on the clock.

My point is that I have one that I'm not on, but I'm going to pick anyways. No, I just have one that I want to slide to me. Yeah. And I just don't want you to take it from me. I am not picking my favorite because I think my favorite has a chance to come back to me. I am picking what I assume is Mike's next pick, and I hope is Andy's wish, and that is... I know what it is.

The Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh, it's on my list, but it's not my next pick. The Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh, Andy is devastated. He is weeping. Oh, I'm so happy right now. I thought for sure you'd go some stupid space mountain. But Pirates of the Caribbean, I used to think, oh, it's boring.

And then I think I got to an age where it was like, oh, this is just right. This is just right. It's always nice inside, cool. It's got the water. In the summer when you get a nice 10-minute ride in the AC? Middle of the day where you walk in the ride and all of a sudden it's nighttime. You got stars above you. I am so upset right now.

And if I get Pirates of the Caribbean, that means, you know, look, I get the Blue Bayou with it. Okay? Oh, God. No, it's in the ride. Of course I do. It's literally in the Pirates of the Caribbean. So you're getting a Monte Cristo. You're darn right.

What? Oh, yeah. Pirates, they're mine. you're getting a Monte Cristo. You're darn right. What? Oh, yeah. Pirates, they're mine. How often when you go on that ride do you think of leaping from the boat and joining somebody at a table? Every single time. If I'm on the right side of the boat, it's near inevitability. I don't even feel like I have a shot. I don't even have a shot in this.

I got back-to-back picks. No. No, we don't snake here. We linear. This is our third mock. You've been here for the other two, bud. So now I really don't feel like having a chance. Yeah, you got to bring it.

We're going to ruin you. I'm going to take Indiana Jones. Oh, that's one of the three. That was my next pick. Yeah, that's a great one. I will say this, and it's not going to help my case. Last time I was there and I went on it, it wasn't as good as I remember. Little herky-jerky. Oh, it's very her as good as I remember. Little herky-jerky.

Oh, it's very herky-jerky. Little extra herky-jerky. My son, he didn't enjoy it as much as I hoped he'd do it. Now, the problem with Indiana Jones, which is my second favorite ride, is I feel like over the years, either I have just become an old curmudgeon of everything is too loud, or they have cranked up by at least 12 decibels. The volume? The sound effects in that ride.

I feel like I have very confident that it's you becoming a curmudgeon. I was going to say that sounds exceptionally curmudgeon-y. It seems so loud in there. So you get in there and cover your ears or do you have the earbuds to put in? No, I accept it, but I went on with – Because you're not on Medicare yet, right? No, not just – AARP keeps sending me stuff. I don't know why.

Here's some earplugs for your favorite ride. Really trying to get me on the team. But I took my son on, and he spent the entire ride just covering his ears because it was too loud. Yeah, that's the worst. That's no good, but Indiana Jones is great. That's an awesome pick. Mike, you are up whatever you do.

Do not draft It's a Small World. Please don't steal it from me, Mike. Okay, I won't. I'll be a friend to you, and I will not do that because you took my second favorite ride. I am going with the ride that Splash Mountain is my favorite ride, but if I had to pick one to go on all day, it's the Buzz Lightyear shooting them targets over in Tomorrowland

trying to get that high score. My kids love that ride. Spinning around. And you're also indoors in the air conditioning. You sit down. You go with your son or your daughter, but you maintain control of the spinning, and I just screw with them. So they'll try to have something targeted up,

and I'm just cranking it over so we're spinning while I'm blowing up the points. I am the leaderboard. I agree that that is a good ride, but I think with Splash Mountain as your opening pick, I think that's a surprising pick. Oh, I'm very happy. I think that is a – I am so happy with that pick. All right, I think it's a surprising pick. Oh, I'm very happy. I think that is a – I am so happy with that pick. All right, I'm getting two of my three.

Who is that number one draft pick the Cavs took a few years ago that nobody knows their name of anymore? I feel like you made that decision. Exactly. Yeah, so I'm taking my favorite ride at the park. And, yes, Andy, you said it a minute ago, but it's right. I know you two gentlemen can't do the roller coasters no we cannot but that's on you it's a great ride it is not just space mountain

it's hyper space mountain it has the music playing in your ears while you go you're in outer space now it's star wars it's incredible i used to love it it's such a stupid ride it is the best ride if if you think that that's a great ride why why don't they just replace it with a bunch of like single pods where you can just sit there and be virtually taken on a roller coaster because what's the difference you're in the dark that's part of the awesomeness you can't tell the difference here jason close your eyes close your eyes okay my eyes are closed you're shaking my chair. I'm on Spaceman. You're on Spaceman? Man.

Oh, it's... You forgot the music, though. Yeah. I don't know what the music is. I don't ever go on that stupid ride. Spaceman was fantastic. I have two of the three powerhouses. You do have two of the three powerhouses.

I've got a really tough decision. I'm jealous because I just... I can't go on it anymore. You are old. I've got an inner ear problem. I have an inner ear problem. I have an inner ear problem. I'm having a tough decision. Look, classic rides, the nostalgia, the value.

It's not a bad pick. I'm going to go with the Jungle Cruise. Oh, that very well might have been my last pick. And based on drafting the Jungle Cruise and Indiana Jones, which I believe are in the same section of the park. Yeah, the Tarzan's Treehouse. I am going to, by Jason's logic, I'm taking the Dole Whips with me. That's fair.

The Dole Whips are now part of my team. If you get the blue by you, I get the Dole Whips. All right. Which, by the way, is at this stage of my life, my favorite part of any theme park is just eating the food. Yeah. If I could, if churros stands. Dole Whips and churros.

If churros stands were a ride, they'd be the 101. You would ride those churros all day. In fact, I would spend all three of my picks on different churros stands. I know what I want to sneak back to me, and I'm almost positive it will. But, Mike, you're up. And are you thinking about Peter Pan here? Yeah. I hope someone takes Winnie the Pooh.

Peter Pan. That freaky Winnie the Pooh ride. I actually really like it. If you're going. Humps and woozles. Your kid's in a psycho trip. A Fantasyland ride, there is only one choice. I'm strongly considering going with it.

I just want to have a passing mention because RIP, it does not exist at Disneyland anymore. And it wasn't really a ride. It was just an attraction. But Captain EO was the ultimate. If Captain EO was there, I would still see it every single time

I go. I love it. I'm sad that they got rid of it. There's only one ride I hope you don't take here. You're out, Mike. I will not know what I'm picking if you take it. It's our final pick. I'm taking Peter Pan. Yes!

I'm taking Peter Pan. It's the only ride that you need to go on when you are in Fantasyland. It's the only ride that has a line longer than five minutes, and it's a 50-minute wait to get on because it's by far the best one. No, it's a 50-minute wait to get on because it's by far the best one. No, it's a 50-minute wait because they have one little cart at a time that goes so slow. They all have those. Oh, it's the –

I know Jason's pick. If I could – He's going under the sea. Under the – No, the submarine ride. Oh. No, I'm not going – That is a claustrophobic nightmare.

It did seem really small this time, the last time I went on it. Yeah, I keep getting bigger and bigger. No, I'm going with just an out-of-this-world ride. It's just like Andy said where, oh, why don't you. I mean, there are still powerhouse rides out there. And I'm taking one of the best powerhouses. It's going to be over by my Space Mountain. It's Star Tours.

Yep. That ride is so great. I'm always surprised. Every time I go on it, I'm like, man, I forget how awesome that ride is. I feel like I'm flying through space. I understand your team. Your team right now, your team is not for the faint of heart. Oh, no.

Between Star Tours and Space Mountain, if you can't keep that food you ate at the Blue Bayou down, you're not going to survive, Jason. I got a question here, Jason. Do you believe that Star Tours is now better where it's all CGI or the original where it was actual movie footage of a practical? No, I remember that. I am a very anti-CGI guy, but it's better now. The change has made it more believable, and I think they've been able to.

I can't disagree more. The old version was the way to be. Sounds like something a curmudgeon would say. Yeah, and I feel like a curmudgeon over here. Yeah. Back in my day, we'd call our grandpas grandpas and our grandmas grandmas.

Yeah, you have been the oldest. You have been... I want the sailboat on this. I picked the salad. What is happening today, guys? The best ride at Disneyland is when my mom bought me an orange. I love?

I love those sky buckets. All right. I'm going to take the least popular pick possible with a parental... A nod to the parents. I'm taking It's a Small World. Oh, my God! What?

What happened? What? I'm going to remind you a couple of things. Number one. You're bored. You're boring. Number one, it's a vastly improved ride around Christmas time. Mike, you look so hip right now.

Number two, it is long, and that lets you sleep. You need a break as a parent, and you go on that ride, and your kids look around. And yes, your kids ask you, when's it going to be over? I get that. But you can check your email. You can check your texts. You can sit down and write a short novel if you want to.

You better bring your jacket. It's freaking freezing in there. And then in Christmas, you get the wonderful Christmas song instead of the It's a Small World song. Yeah, over and over and over and over. Over and over. After all. And over. So, Jason, you finished

with Pirates? I finished with the best team. Pirates of the Caribbean, Space Mountain, and Star Tours. I'm already throwing up. Well, of course you two old people are. Mike? That's alright. You can come on Splash Mountain and Star Tours. I'm already throwing up. Well, of course you two old people are. Mike? That's all right. You can come on Splash Mountain with me, and then we'll shoot some aliens on Buzz Lightyear,

and then we will kick back and enjoy the sights of flying and never growing old on Peter Pan. Well, grab a Dole Whip. You can come with me on Indiana Jones and Jungle Cruise. And then it's a small world where you can enjoy more Dole Whips that you have to walk over there. It gets hot at Disneyland sometimes. It sure does.

I love hiding in It's a Small World. My family doesn't know where I'm at. I go by myself. Where is it? I saw him two hours ago. Hey, what did you guys learn today? Did you learn anything? I learned...

Mike is older than I thought he was. Yeah, I learned that Mike had a friend in grade school. I learned that Jason makes his children touch his feet. Yeah. And it's disgusting. Set them piggies free! Thank you for listening to the show. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.