Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 60: An Awkward Funeral Announcement & A Melodic Battle Royale - Spitballers Comedy Show

Episode Date: August 12, 2019

Even amongst the madness of fantasy football season, we made sure to get into Spitballers Studios to brighten Mondays around the world. On today’s episode, we have some difficult ‘Would You Rather’ questions as well as some ‘Great Questions’. Thank you to all the official #Spitwads out there for supporting the show and submitting some great content ideas. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, spit wads, when you run out of this great show and you're like, I want more shows, you can get access to our entire archive at spitballerspod.com. You can become an official spit wad of our Patreon, have access to everything we've ever made, ad free at spitballerspod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. And that's it for today's episode of the podcast. Thanks for joining us. Thanks for scatting along. It's been a little while.

It's been a week for most us. I diddly-doo. Thanks for scatting along. It's been a little while. It's been a week for most people. Yeah. Well, I mean, for me, it's been a while since I've had the opening scat, is what I'm saying. That's true. Welcome in to the World Famous Spitballers Podcast. Yes. We're back again. Would you rather? That's a great question and a very dangerous slash melodic draft for our listeners today. Thank you for subscribing, for reviewing the show.

It really helps the podcast out when you drop us a review on Apple Podcasts. When you subscribe, when you listen, when you tell your friends, all of those things help the show. We enjoy doing this podcast you can find us on instagram instagram.com spitballers pod at spitballers pod on twitter and uh definitely check us out check out the patreon page yes please uh go to spitballers pod.com become an official spitwad and support the show and get access to the full archive how you guys doing today holy moly today has been insane um this this is cathartic i am so happy we're recording like we have no time to record this in our lives not this is that we we should not be here but now that the true now that the mics are on and we're sitting here i'm like this is the break that i needed in this day because today has been

insane even in spite of how the heavy questions we answer on this podcast the very deep i mean world bending world changing i know that i know that i'm gonna have to go to some dark deep places that you know expose my vulnerability that will almost for sure happen on this podcast so congratulations but um yeah i'm i'm happy to be here this this just this world you know we we need to mention that because it's august so like this this podcast is being released in august which is football season our main podcast is the fantasy footballers podcast so if you love fantasy football and you've discovered us through the Spitballers, you should check it out because it's just this

plus fantasy football. And yeah, the time is ramping up. We're getting all these unexpected things happening. We just do too many shows over there. We do too. We got to get rid of that. 600 shows a week. I mean, I know that's like we're playing with Zac Efron

and some other Carl Anthony Towns and Juju Smith-Schuster and Ninja in a celebrity league. We said, hey, guys. Pause. Get out of here with that. We got to record the spitbox. That's right. Speaking of which, let's dive into those deep, important questions. Would you rather?

All right, Robert from Patreon sends in this question, which, by the way, if you're a spitwad, we look to you first for some would you rather questions on the show. Would you rather have Siri read all of your incoming texts as you receive them, or always have to use speakerphone for each and every phone call. So this is a question of invasion of privacy. Okay. This is, okay, do you end up getting texts that maybe are private

and you don't want read? Are these, is it as soon as you get the text message or like can i choose not to open it just yet no it's when the text message just start the siri just start shouting right text message from tiffany like hey i forgot to change your underwear jason cannot cannot possibly do the Siri one. I just feel like the level of humor and the lengths that Jason and Tiffany go to, I mean, we've talked about this. I was at dinner with Jason and his wife, and my wife was there, and our kids were there, and we had a dinner last night, and we were talking about the fact that he ruins every one of our yawns, right? Yeah.

And then I find out that that's not all they do. They used to poke each other in the throat every time they could. In the throat? Just jab each other in the throat. Poke sounds so gentle. This was like karate chop or like trachea. How many fingers? Four-finger trachea shot.

Like a four-finger death punch? Yes. trachea shot. Like a four finger death punch? Yes. Straight up death punch. And here's the thing. All of these things, the ruining the yawns, other things that we probably won't talk about ever, and death punches and kicking each other out of booths and restaurants and all sorts of ridiculous things. And I want this on record.

And you love each other. We love each other to death. Part of the reason is because of this. To death. Till death do we part? Yeah. But I want this you love each other we love each other to death part of the reason because of this to death till death do we part yeah but i want this on record i want everyone out there to know every single one of these horrible and disgusting habits and destructive actions we have in our relationship every single one it was started by you, Tiffany. And that is true. And she knows it. But I'll play the game. You start this, I'll finish it. Don't hate the player.

Don't hate the player, hate the game. At dinner, she was not... She was giving him a hard time. But you're right. But this has to translate into the text. It does. There's no way that these texts aren't filled with things that I just... The world cannot... They don't need this. Put it no way that these texts aren't filled with things that I just, the world cannot, they don't need this.

Put it this way. My children can read now. And I always worry about our text threads with our sarcasm and our stuff. Other things. And other things. It's just like, you know, I always question that now when I'm texting my wife, which feels private, but now our children. So is it embarrassing? Put that against speakerphone.

Wow. But here's the thing. Here's the thing. I can hang that up. Not only can you hang it up, more importantly, you can always let people. Oh, hey, Tiff, you're on in the car with everybody. What's up? No, it's not about that.

It's we've all experienced speakerphone guy. Guy who is walking around or in a place where he should not be on the speakerphone. I have experienced speakerphone guy in a men's restroom. Not just on the phone. No. You can hear both parties. Yeah, speakerphone guy is everywhere. He is everywhere.

I wasn't quite at speakerphone guy, but I was at Bluetooth woman two nights ago at the restaurant. We're with our kids at a pizza place. It was a nicer, you sit down pizza place. And all I do is keep hearing this person talking as loud as they can. With no response. It's a woman by herself in the corner of the restaurant with a big glass of wine

just having a 30-minute loud as can be conversation and it just carried through the whole place. I heard words that my kids didn't need to hear. Oh. That's not good. No. Now, did you take a look? Did you get a peek-ski?

Oh, I stared her down multiple times. Well, not for that, but just I want to know what Bluetooth device was being used. Was it at least high-tech? Was it like AirPods? No. Or was it old-school? It was old-school. Job around the ear, long.

Because there was a time when that status symbol. Like a Star Trek alien. Yes. When you walk around with that old-school Bluetooth headset, you were so important. That thing was never cool. And ever. I'm so important, I will talk anywhere and everywhere, no matter where you're at. You're in Costco, I'm going to talk.

People call me all the time. I can't put the phone up on myself. I need to keep it right here. The person in the booth talking to another human that's not there because they're on the Bluetooth. Why are they always so much louder? Yeah. Then if there was a person across from them, you wouldn't hear. It's just one of normal conversations going on.

Because they're using a crappy Bluetooth device. They suck. That's like, what was that? Does anybody remember the show? It was some like, it was like a sketch comedy show and they always have the phone call yes and it was the man the man with the phone that is about 20 times the size and he would answer it in the worst place like the bathroom or or the movie theater is like i'm in the cinema i'm what i'm in the cinema that would be you if you would speakerphone because look if the rules are you can't stop the

text it just goes off you're accepting every phone call either there's no way to it to unbalance the odds of these two things i agree i'm still taking. Hello! I'm going to escort myself out of the cinema when I answer the call. Your postmate, Joseph, is arriving soon. Oh, I would get those texts announced at all times. All the spam texts would be coming through. That's probably the most embarrassing thing is how often my food delivery is on the way. I would get that announced. I would actually be very happy. Hi Andy, your premium pest control service

will be there on Monday, 6-10. That's fine. I don't think the world needs to hear. This guy has pest service. Oh my gosh, that means he's got pests. He must have crickets everywhere. You've got to be so embarrassed right now.

The truth is Siri would just be reading texts from my wife asking for a puppy. That's all that would happen all day long. And people don't need to hear that 34 times a day. I would be sending you guys scat messages. It would be like, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Oh, we would just troll each other. It would just be a 15-minute text. Yeah, I'm definitely going.

I'm going to be the speakerphone guy. What about you two? I'm speakerphone. Yeah, I guess I'm that guy. I'm going to be the speakerphone guy. What about you two? I'm speakerphone. Yeah, I guess I'm that guy. All right, Dan from Patreon. Would you rather have to announce your divorce during a speech at someone's wedding or announce your engagement during the eulogy of a funeral? Oh, rough.

It's going to take some time to work through this. Dan! You got to... Come on, Dan. Dan really bringing a brain buster here. Bringing the fire. All right, let's put ourselves in this boat. You're at the funeral.

Whose funeral is this? I just need to put myself there. It's Grandpa's. Grandpa's funeral. Come on, man! And it's during the eulogy. So that means if it's my grandpa's funeral, my own father or mother is probably up there talking during this.

And this is the time. I just can't contain the love I have for my fiance or future wife, and I'm going to announce right here, right now. Can I spin this? You can spin this for sure. Grandpa always loved us. He always supported us. And that's why I want to take this moment here as we remember his life to announce that me and Michelle were getting married.

I will tell you this. That spin may make you feel better on the inside. But the audience will feel no difference. Can you give it up for us? I mean, look. Honey, get up here. Get up here. Say something nice about Grandpa.

Show him our love. Don't be embarrassed. Don't be embarrassed. Come on, Grandpa. Smoochie, smoochie. Come on. We're in this together. And that's the end of the engagement. Go ahead. See, the problem with the other side is that is that i'm announcing my

divorce i would much rather announce like that's the thing is one of these things affects at the post and one only affects the moment i guarantee that somewhere in the history of life and it not during the ceremony but during the after party there has been a guest who enjoyed themselves a little bit too much and they were at a rough point in their life and they did announce in that party that a divorce was happening this has happened 100 the engagement announcement during the eulogy. This would be a first. You'd be breaking new ground. Call Guinness.

Let them know that something very large is about to happen. Look, we're all going to have a funeral someday. That's just a fact of life. These should be celebrations of life, and I will celebrate the life by showing what happens afterwards my engagement will be shared mike at your funeral and you know what as your friend i would be perfectly fine with that i can't speak for my family but as someone look i won't be there right so it doesn't bother me. Gramps is fine with it.

So what's your final answer? I'm going at the eulogy. I'm going to share the great news. I'm going to ruin the wedding party. Okay, I'll go with the eulogy as well. All right, Joe from Twitter. Would you rather only be able to wear clothes from the 80s, which sounds great, or only have entertainment from the 80s, which sounds great, or only have entertainment from the 80s, music, movies,

shows, would I rather be thrilled and happy or happy and thrilled? Why not both? Joe, I don't know if Joe grew up during the 80s because this would be awesome. I would be perfectly content doing either of these things. I would choose the clothes because then i will look awesome and then have all the entertainment that's fine with me yeah i grew up obviously we all grew up we all grew up in the 80s right yeah i grew up hating hating hating hating 80s music 80s music was too old for me like by the time i you know because when i was 10 i was you

know when i was 10 oh, it was 1992. It's like you're the oldies. Exactly. Not as in you're not at the stage where it's cool. Right. It's not cool because you're too old. That's the music that those people listen to. Right.

Either those older kids or even parents or whatever. Because you had the flannel. I had no love for it no you were grungy no love for the 80s when i was in the 90s because they were the guys now i do oh you liked it from the beginning yes really i all the synthesizer there are just certain noises that that machine can make that were you the new clip new kid on the block my sister was oh i believe that i may have stolen her cassette tape a few times or two. Now, what are the main...

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, oh, oh. I was in it, man. N-K-O-T-B. It's the right stuff. And I'm not even embarrassed to say it. I mean, did you get a play on words with that with your last name?

Like, the right stuff? Oh, my gosh. That was not allowed. All right. No, I... We take our last name in the area. These new kids gosh. That was not allowed. All right. No, we just never did that. We take our last name in the area. These new kids on the block wasn't allowed. No, I was more of a hanging tough guy.

What were and are the main most popular 80s bands or artists? Madonna ruled the 80s. Yeah, Madonna. And then the whole hair metal scene. Bon Jovi ruled the 80s. Yeah, I hated that then the whole hair metal scene. Bon Jovi ruled the 80s. Yeah, I hated that. I hated the Bon Jovi hair metal scene. I love hair metal so much.

Ah, yeah! Oh, yeah. Now, I see Brooks. I see Judge Giamatti over there shaking his head to hair metal. White Snake? Come on. He's going like this. I can't tell if he is pro. I want to hear from both producers.

Oh, he is. Yes, I like it. Brooks' thumbs down on the hair metal. Borland. Borland is thumbs up. He's thumbs up. Thank you, Borland. I'm going to go with the clothes.

This is a win. This is a win-win. This is a huge win. My style sucks already. I didn't want to say anything, honestly. Flip-flops and khakis and a t-shirt. I don't look the best when it comes to style. So if I wear 80s stuff every day, I feel like I'm getting an upgrade because you'll have

a style. I'll have a style. Yeah. Like right now I have no style. I don't have a style. You got dad style. You got flippies. Right.

I got my flippy floppies. Yeah. So I would say barefoot's your style. Should I go 80s? Oh my gosh. Like should I make this change? You should try it out at least. I just don't have any of the 80s clothes. That'll be, that's at least you should try it out at least i just don't have

any of the 80s clothes that'll be that's a pickle that'll put you in if you had 80s clothes you would have 80s style jason that's a good point so you're gonna have to go shopping that'd be cheap buy you'll find them actually probably wouldn't be cheap now yeah it's cool now it'd just be cool and you'd have to go find it now stranger things got me listening to 80s music all the time. See, I always wonder when I watch Stranger Things, how much of this was found at Goodwill? Or how much of this was like

they had to buy this off of eBay to get this new looking... There has to be people producing it new now. Right? I would assume so. Yeah. We'll go with that. Alright, let's move on to another segment that's a great question all right jason from the website not this jason you are correct there are companies producing new 80s clothing oh my, my gosh. Send me a link. All right. If you are on your way to work, but you realize you left your cell phone at home, how far

is too far to turn around and go get it? Ooh. This has actually changed over the last 10 years. Has it increased? Absolutely. Really? I went back for my watch the other day. Wait, how far were you? Just a couple blocks. Okay. Yeah. But for my watch the other day. How far were you?

Just a couple blocks. Okay. But that's what we're saying. If you get... Is it halfway? If you're halfway to work... Without a phone? And you don't have your phone, are you going back?

Am I pressed for time? Do I need to get into the office? I mean, it's just a regular day. It's a regular day at work. I'm probably living without the phone. It's about a 20-minute drive at work. I'm probably living without the phone. It's about a 20-minute drive to work. I'm probably living without it. For halfway?

For halfway. I think it's the first third. Anything in that first third, I'm swinging around and grabbing my phone. I feel like I would want to go back from the parking lot of my destination. I've arrived. i've gotten all the way to work and i realized i don't have my phone i'm like nobody's seen me here at the good wow so you're a hundred percent i feel like you would turn around and go back i mean i guess it depends on where i'm going right because if it's specifically here if it's work my laptop

you know i've got all apple everything so so I get my messages, my texts. I can even get my phone calls on my laptop. So if it was work, I guess I wouldn't. But if I was going out to like, oh, I've got to spend the day at Ikea, you know what I mean, which is super far away from where we live. I would probably say a 40-minute drive. I might turn that sucker around. Are you kidding? You've already gone 40 minutes.

So now you are driving 120 minutes between you're not getting there, going home, and then going back. Yeah, I'm adding an extra 80 minutes, an extra hour and 20 minutes to my trip. I think I would do that. That is insanity. I feel like i'm a couple blocks you don't need you don't need that new age technology i have i would be very upset and it would be a long day of of panic every time you realize your phone's not in your pocket and then you have that that firing of synapses goes i don't feel it it's lost and then you remember you forgot it at home.

Can I confess something to you guys? Please. This is the place to do it. Nobody's listening. Just us and Borland. I think I'm becoming addicted to my phone. Okay. Isn't that shocking? You're just realizing this now? I just realized I try to

watch TV shows now with an ATD problem, and I got to just grab it every few minutes and just make sure that the world is... Like, it bothers the heck out of me because I will try to do the exercise of, like, turn it off, turn it down, and I notice that every 20 minutes

I get this little internal compulsion to grab it. Our job with Fantasy Football, there's always things going on. Knuckleheads typing in our Slack channel. And this little, like, it's almost like a ringing in my ear happens every 15, 20 minutes. It's like, what did I miss? What did I miss? What did I miss? Ding, ding, ding.

What did I miss? What did I miss? What did I miss? Andy, the problem is that you are putting it down. What did I miss? What did I miss? What did I miss? Andy, the problem is that you are putting it down.

Because what I have found is that I don't get the feeling of, oh, no, what have I missed or what's going on when I never leave the screen. So maybe that's your solution. I find that... So I don't remember the last television program I've watched, movie, whatever, at home, where I don't also have my phone out and I'm playing a game. I can go two screen. I can have my iPad on my right, my phone on my left.

You can go double screen plus and watch a movie. I saw this. We were on the airplane and Jason was watching some movie on the iPad. That he wanted to watch. Yes. I was enjoying it thoroughly. And it was on. on the iPad. That he wanted a lot.

Yes. I was enjoying it thoroughly. And it was on. Instead of his full attention, he had pulled out his phone and was playing Candy Crush while he's sort of paying attention to the movie, which means he's not watching the movie at all because he's playing Candy Crush. See, look, there's two ways to look at this.

It wasn't Candy Crush, but close. One of those style games. What was it? I don't remember the name of it. I don't remember. Yeah, it's called Candy. Jason, it's okay. You play Candy Crush. Jujubee swipes.

I have played all of those awful games. I like that he's like, don't pretend it's Candy Crush. Yeah, it's Toon Blast. Thank you very much. Wait, what? It sounds worse. That wasn't Candy Crush? No, no. Anyways, we're missing the point here he beat

candy crush already yeah that game's old old busted listen the point is there's two ways to look at this right like i've got you know real adhd that i can't focus on one thing at a time and and so i need i need to have um you know things going on the other way the way that i choose to look at it so like when you're a super genius there's your brain can't i need more more stimuli i need to be able to take in more at the same time and andy you have this too super genius number I do. When's the last phone call that you're not drawing? I mean, important phone calls. Phone calls where it's like we are going through a legal document,

really paying attention to verbiage, but you're drawing an elaborate picture of checks and crosses. Name the last one we've had. It's all over. It's the same thing. In your defense. It's really true. It's the same thing. I need more things It's really true. It's the same thing.

I need more things. I need that secondary. Two super geniuses, Mike. In your defense, you're just doodling. So you're not really even using your mind. I've sold some of those for millions of dollars. Just regular genius over there. I get you, Mike.

Well, my point is some people need to get up and walk around while they're having the conversation. That's what it is. To remain actually fully engaged. Yes, I'm a walker. You are claiming that somehow you were playing Toon Blast and watching a movie. Correct. And I get it all. I take it all.

I'm calling that into question. I wish I could remember what movie it was. I have a photo. So if I could find the photo, we might be able to figure out what movie it was. I know what I was watching. I was watching The Expanse. Okay, so it was not a movie it was a show no but you were trying to get through that right you were trying to get through that final season yes um i don't remember where this question began but does your wife get frustrated when you do that oh she hates

it see that's the real problem she thinks that i can't you're not engaged because you can't pay attention that's why she thinks that she thinks what mike thinks which is that i don't know i'm not seeing whatever is going on and whatnot it's like i but is that pot i mean it's probably true it's only true scientifically 100 true it's only proven if you're not doing concentrating on one thing you cannot multitask multitasking is a mirage nope not true i have proven it by my existence here's where it's true if i'm looking at the screen on my phone and a subtitle comes up and it says that it's 1979 or three weeks ago that's what i'll miss obviously otherwise what about retention though i mean i think science has really proven that multitasking is a myth like you cannot actually do multiple

things at high proficiency at the same time. And I try to do it all the time, but deep thought work takes time to get into. See, here's the thing. Here's the fallacy. Again, the problem with the scientific study is they're not factoring in the fact that if I don't have my phone and I'm fully engaged,

still no retention. So, I mean, I'm at the same level either way. Very smart. Very smart. Very smart. You win. Take that, science. Travis, all right. One more great question before we get into this draft.

Travis from Twitter. You ever heard of it? What would be the worst thing to hear as the, what does it say? Anesthesia. Anesthesia starts to kick in before a major surgery yeah what's the worst i know what it is you do oh yeah it is one word really yeah oops oh that's a good one so if you heard oops on the way as your eyes begin to close, the last thing you hear. Yeah. Imagine your doctor saying, oops. I think, here's mine.

Who is this again? Yeah, and mine would be, wait, the doctor's not coming in? I feel like they're just going to wake you up, though. Yeah, that's the hope. As I'm falling asleep, I'm like, oh, I hope they don't do this, but I have no control. What about this? What about, this one's 50-50? Or how about

don't worry about it. I got this. Yeah, I got this. I got this. I can't fix that. Oh, man. How about I hope this one goes better than the last one. Yeah, that's a good one.

How about this? I only got 10 minutes. Right. We're going to need to speed through this one. Okay, team? I... Have you guys... And seen.

Have you guys gone under? Yes. I have, yeah, for wisdom teeth. I have gone under for a couple different things, major hernia surgery and wisdom teeth. And I would love to go under for every little thing. I want to get my teeth cleaned. You would go under for a haircut, bro. That's not true.

I love the feeling of haircuts. It puts me to sleep. I do go under. It puts me to sleep every time I get one. But like teeth cleaning. Just a normal. You don't even get numbed for the. Put me out.

Just put me out. Put me down. I want to get a tattoo. Oh, that's cool. That would look real. Do you do anesthesia? Do you do general anesthesia for the put me out just uh put me up put me down i want to get a tattoo oh that's cool that would look real do you do anesthesia do you do general anesthesia for the tattoo here why don't they do that uh because you're getting something that's permanently going on to your body it's probably better if you're paying attention to what the person is doing solid uh how would you know so i'm gonna tell tell you about my wisdom teeth situation. I want to know if you guys...

Did you get your wisdom teeth out, Andy? I got my wisdom tooth out. How old were you when you did it? I was pretty old. Probably post high school. I was even older. I was 26. Wow.

That doesn't help the story. But have you done a... Where you go under and your mom or your dad brought you to the surgery? I have done that. That was when I had the hernia. Okay. Yeah, I had to be taken to mine. I'm getting the gas first because they do that before they put you under.

And you start feeling a little bit weird. little bit weird i am like i almost went into a full panic attack because i was realizing that like i'm feeling a certain way that i should not in front of my parents and all of a sudden it was like oh crap my parents are going to know how i ever has no clothes i am feeling right now, and I am going to be so busted. Oh, my God. I'm doing things I'm not supposed to be doing. That's funny. I've never actually been put under general. I've had two procedures done.

You've just had gas? Yeah, I had the wisdom tooth. I mean, we've all had gas. The wisdom tooth taken out was one of the most surreal experiences of my life because I have had teeth pulled. My son. My son's 10. He needs three teeth pulled my life because I have had teeth pulled. My son, my son's 10. He needs three teeth pulled, right?

I've had those. Those are, now that I realize it, children's teeth, right? And you get them pulled out and it takes no time. I got down in that room and I was being evaluated. Then they're like, yeah, we're going to take this. I thought they would just numb me up and pull it. Well, it's a bigger deal. Are they, was it impacted?

They had to do some work. It wasn't fully impacted. It started it's a bigger deal. Was it impacted? They had to do some work. It wasn't fully impacted. This sounds terrible. All I'm saying is I'm sitting in the chair and they're showing the video of what's about to happen. What? Why are they doing that? Watch this! It's a disclaimer thing.

And I'm watching it and I'm realizing I'm in for something totally different than I expected. I want you to watch this last heart surgery I did before you go in. Just so you know I'm watching it, and I'm realizing I'm in for something totally different than I expected. I want you to watch this last heart surgery I did before you go in. Just so you know I'm good. No. So they do the gas. Check out my highlights.

And they do it with nitrous. They kept me awake for the whole thing. And I just remember that nitrous starting to hit, and I'm going, Ray, what's going on? How you doing? But I've never been under general, so I don't know what that would be like. I was not in front of my parents when I got the mask. I had been wheeled in, but I remember feeling so out of body because I was like, when is this going to kick in is what my brain was thinking. While at the same time, I realized, why am I laughing?

Oh, you actually laughed. My body was just going. But I didn't feel anything funny. didn't i'm like and then i noticed myself doing it it was like and then i came out of the surgery and told my parents that i was really nervous and i wasn't sure i wanted to do it oh wow it's done and then they're like sounds good it's over i was too busy trying to play cool and like enter answer the dentist's question, and it just turned into me asking fumbling questions like, yeah, so how long is this going to take?

Because you were worried about feeling funny feelings in front of your parents. Yes. Hurry this up. But it's wild where you're just sitting there trying to have a conversation, and then you're in a different room. Post-surgery, you're real loopy, too. At least the surgeries that I had with – I had the Twilight Sleep. Have you ever heard of that?

This is like actionable anesthesia. It's what they do for like a colonoscopy, okay? Tell me more. They give you – do you know what I'm talking about, Borland? I don't, no. So they put you in twilight sleep. You can go and effort this. Twilight sleep?

Yeah, twilight sleep. It's not general anesthesia. Based on the book. And it's an amnesiac condition characterized by insensitivity to pain without loss of consciousness because they need to give you instructions during the procedure. Oh, okay. And so you can follow basic commands, and it looks like it's an injection of morphine and scopolamine. Oh, that's good.

And so you are not under. Very healthy. You're not under. It's weird, man. It's a weird feeling, and I just know that. No, you're not under. You're over. You're over.

You are done. And so you're awake. I'm done. And you don't remember. It's basically, let me ask you this. Let's say that you could have a surgery performed on you right now. Okay, this sounds great. Let's say you do experience all the pain and everything,

but you won't remember it afterwards. That's a thing. No. That's what twilight sleep is. You don't remember any of it happening. That's a nightmare. Is it? Or did nothing happen to you? Nope, that is a

nightmare. That's when you wake up under general except that the pain medication didn't work. Well, I'm about to pass out. I know that's happening. People do wake up in general. We don't even need to talk about that. We've actually talked about that on a previous episode. They call them the lucky ones.

No, they don't. Sure they do. Okay, so we're going gonna go ahead and draft now the spitballers draft all right i've never been less prepared for a draft or not known the topic uh until this late in the game ryan from patreon wants us to draft music instruments, but not just music instruments. We got to fight with them. And I can see my two co-hosts scrambling on their laptops right now. What do you need your laptop for, Mr. Musician? How do you not know?

I need it to find out the weight of certain things. He doesn't want, you know. I know my first pick. We're basically fighting each other with a suite of instruments, and I have to pick first. And you know what? I don't know what to pick. So what I'm going to pick is I'm going to stick with the theme of today's show,

and I'm taking an electric guitar to swing around, but I'm going to carefully select one of the slash 80s guitars. Oh, you're going to get the axe. With the real, real sharp corners. They don't have sharp corners. Well, not razor sharp. You know what he's talking about. You know what I'm talking about.

Yeah, okay. Like a slash guitar with sharp corners. It's a pointy point, Mike. Not an acoustic. I want an electric guitar with the right weight so I can swing this thing around like the axe that it is.

That's what I was saying. You want the one with the axe body or you want a flying V. Yes, exactly. Alright. Sharp enough corners, Mike, to do some damage. I'll put you in twilight sleep with that thing. I'm not taking your instrument. Don't take bagpipes, man. I want them. Don't take them. Don't take a kazoo. No matter what you do, not taking your instrument. Don't take bagpipes, man. I want them. Don't take them.

Don't take a kazoo. No matter what you do, no kazoos. If you take bagpipes, is that just like mental warfare? Yes. It's just going to be. I played that before the fight. You know what's funny is bagpipes, if you don't know how to play, it's impossible. You would never be able to make a sound out of that bagpipe.

That's how I felt about the saxophone I took up in sixth grade. Yeah, it's very similar. For the first two weeks, and then I quit. Turns out you need a reed. You were trying to play without your reed? Maybe. It's called a reed instrument. Well, no one told me that when they loaned me that saxophone for the week.

Lo and behold, you need a mouthpiece. I got it figured out. So I'm taking something that has a little bit of length. I imagine myself looking much like Donatello with this thing, but I will take a bassoon. Okay. A bassoon. Okay.

I shockingly know what that is. All right. You are one. Very good. I'll be honest. The Donatello imagery helped yes um there you go all right so i'm looking through this list of now let me ask you if it's on a list of instruments it's got to be loud right so i'm looking and there's all these it's it's all these

different drums and you know swedish bagpipes and then there's this one i'm just scrolling through it says sword blade i gotta turn this around and show you this instrument which i'm not gonna draft but look at this this is called a sword blade yeah what is that mike that's a sword it's just a sword hold on i play the sword hold on is this like they take a bow to it and it makes one tone? Yeah. Don't tell me I can't play a sword. We've never heard of it, so I don't think you can take it. No, I'm not drafting a sword. He was testing the waters.

That's a great sword. That's a broad sword. No, so for my first instrument, look, I was going to go, you know, I was going to shred with the electric. Andy got that. So I was going to shred with the electric. Andy got that. I like the ability to swing a nice heavy-ish instrument around.

But mine is going to come with a secondary weapon because I'm also going to get the bow with my cello. And my cello is bigger, is badder. And my bow might as well be a sword. Just leave it there. No commentary necessary. People at home believe that a bow is... Do you know what's on a bow, Jason? Hair. Very soft. It's tight. It's pulled tight.

It's very taut. If it's not taut, it's not going to work. I can poke your eye out. You probably could. I've got two instruments here, right? Yes, you're on the turn. Okay, so my first one, I knew cello. And then for my second one, that's where it's getting rough.

That's where the question marks come. I have my pick, and I'm very excited for it. So I've got one that I want to get back So I've got one that I want to get back. I've got two that I want to get back to me. So I'm going to write these down, and I think they'll get all the way back. Okay? I will be shocked if they don't. I mean, what are the chances?

These are instruments. All right. You're going to take a piano? Maybe, maybe not. We'll see. I'll take the recorder. Look, I want heavy metal, right? A tuba's going to be too hard to swing, to wield.

But, you know, look, let's be honest. My cello, Andy's guitar, you know, one good smack smash might destroy this thing. So I need some brass. Okay. Okay. Trumpet's too small. Right. Tuba's too big. Right. I'm going.... Okay. Okay. Trumpets too small. Right. Tubas too big.

Right. I'm going to look my pops. You're darn right. My audition for the Philharmonic Symphony or something like that. Yes. True. Really? True story.

That's awesome. He was an incredible trombone player. And I'm drafting. I'm drafting the trombone for my second weapon. All right. The trombone. and i'm drafting my i'm drafting the trombone for my second weapon all right the trombone so you have uh what do you got i have a trombone and a cello with a bow okie dokie mike i i honestly got a little a little perspiration there i thought you were gonna take my pick because i was a little worried started talking about a tuba. I'm getting armor, and I am protecting myself. I don't know how much you're going to.

No, because you don't wear a tuba. Okay. You wear a sousaphone, and this thing is a brass instrument. You're never winning this draft. That goes around your body. I just won with Jared. I know that Al Borland is all aboard this sousaphone pick. The people who know your instruments, sure.

But if I'm telling, oh, he's got a sousaphone. Look it up. All right, I'll look it up. Look it up. And look, if the people out there don't know what a sousaphone is, that's on them. They should educate themselves and find out that I am now protected. It just looks like a small tuba. But you have to wear it.

You don't wear a tuba? No. The right thought here, Jason, is not whether or not, yeah, this is gigantic. This is going to be a weight drag on you in this battle. You may have the armor, but you're definitely going to be the tank of this warfare. That's fine.

Because you are going to be carrying a very heavy instrument around with you. It's not that bad. Okay. So you're taking a sousaphone. And what was your first pick again? You had the... I don't even remember. The bassoon.

All right. A sousaphone is a marching band instrument. So they're made to be... I mean, you walk around... Thank you, Al Bor. You're welcome. Yeah, because I go into war with a marching band. Yeah, people do the same with a tuba.

Tubas are in marching bands. Right? Yeah. He's just saying that they're not that heavy but tubas are super heavy i'm just just because you can carry it doesn't mean that like as easy to carry i agree with that wait i hey full sprint mike's not getting away from me that's all i'm saying um all right so i don't need to i'm i'm armored up my first tank pick was an electric guitar. And now I've just got one thing to say to you both. Didgeridoo, don't mess with me, baby.

I'm taking a didgeridoo. All right. Okay. You're doing nothing with that thing. Oh, I am using it. Except trying to lift it up. Am I trying to win a music competition? No.

I'm using that thing to donatello you mike it's gonna be too unwieldy it's that heavy no it's just too long well oh yeah those things are they're gigantic i was thinking of there's a smaller one i'm thinking i think i'm thinking of what like a rain stick i i will stand a reason that a staff and a didgeridoo are of equal length. If you were talking about drafting a staff like Gandalf would swing around or the monkey from Lion King. What do they play at like the soccer games? Oh.

You know what I mean? Yeah. No, those are Vuvuzela. Yes. Yeah. Those are different because they have different names and different shapes and different. But those are smaller.

A manageable. I also believe those are. Yeah, but I'm not looking to make that sound, Jason. Yeah, he's looking to whoop your butt. Okay. Look harder. And then I'm going to use a bass drum as a shield. Okay.

So that's what I'm drafting as a bass drum. That's a great pick. Yeah. That's a very good pick. We've got a nice guitar, a didgeridoo and a bass drum are we going three or four rounds there Mr. Borland?

we're going four I've got two picks left two picks I'm waiting for, don't ruin it Mike if I take a piano, do I get piano wire? do you get piano wire? yes you can take the wire out of the piano if you want to disassemble things while I'm smashing you with a cello. Yes, I agree.

Fair enough. Ooh. Look, I'm on similar to you, Jason. I'm going to list. I was looking up air horn. I don't think it's gonna be allowed anyways I'm gonna take

like I got I got my big heavy weapon I'm gonna take something that's a little bit lighter more easy to manage maybe I'm just have the sousaphone in this weapon

I'm gonna take a flute I thought about it a flute it's nimble it's metal it's the sword of the musical instrument

it's the fencing sword of the musical world. That's what they say. They do say that. I've heard that so many times. It's not quite the sword of the sword area, which is what you tried to drive. That's the sword blade. The sword blade is the most sword-like of instruments. Okay, so I'm glad you didn't take piano because that was one of my two.

Look, I'm taking a piano. For what reason? For any... Look. If we're fighting him and he's at the top of a hill we are doomed let me if we can get out of the way in 30 seconds that's right have you ever seen any movie any show any cartoon anything where an instrument has ever hurt or killed someone ever i have sure what instrument was that it's frequently a piano dropping oh it's gonna drop it right down on you i'll pick it up and drop it but my baby grand piano no of course i know i know how wrong i am in that you need a pulley system sure i'm not going to be able to succeed

but i know that i just drafted an instrument that is often used to hurt and maim. You get one shot. That's the real trick. If you get up on the third story and you push that thing out the window, if you time it right. Look, I can stay behind it. I can push it. It's on wheels. So I'm going to try to trap you against a wall, smash you with a piano.

I can see a piano coming at me at one quarter of a mile an hour. Look, I'll lift up the. I'll lift up the. Because moving pianos is what people are into mike what's the what's the piano lid called i don't know okay it's called a piano lid then dampening i'm gonna take off the piano lid i can use that as weapons and thanks for i didn't know about piano wire but sure it's a is that your first that's my first the second one to make your last is so much better it's worthy of the 101 it's way better than a bass drum for a shield.

So I'll go right through your bass drum. Taking a cymbal. That's a great pick. I mean, I've got a legit shield made of metal, and it's a weapon, too. I'll slice your head off. Yeah, you'll look like Kung Lao throwing that thing. Oh, I'm loving this. Pretty good pick.

Thank you. Pretty good pick. Throw in that thing. Oh, I'm loving this. Pretty good pick. Thank you. Pretty good pick. Symbol, a piano, a cello with its bow, and a fourth pick.

Trombone. Which was a trombone. Thank you. All right, Mike, you got to wrap it up. Or actually, I've got the final pick. Under this list, we know it can be weaponized. This list has scat singing. Scat singing? Oh, please.

My vocal cords. I will berate you with my words in song form. I am struggling. The music man himself. Struggling. Well, I'm trying to think of something that can actually have use in a fight. I will draft the triangle. How about some maracas?

Don't ruin my freaking last pick. I'm out. I can do whatever I want. If that was, that's the worst pick ever. All right. So, no way. He was going to take maracas. He's written it down.

You have written down maracas. So, I said maracas as like a terrible pick for you to try to pick i was trying to think of the worst things that's why i said a triangle and maracas and i stole it from andy you're welcome all right mike what's your last pick i guess we're just gonna stay in the the family of like club weapons, I will take an oboe. I will now... Googling oboe to make sure I know what it is. Got it. Oh, man.

So you're basically dual-wielding. You've got a flute and an oboe. I am dual-wielding with my sousaphone as my armor, and then if I have to go to the bassoon, I will do it. He is drafting Google this. That's what he has drafted today. Three of your four instruments. If that is true, then that

makes me sad for America. I will pivot from the maracas because of Jason. Now, the maracas were going to be my quick draw weapon, but it would kind of clue you in on the fact I was sneaking up on you. So I will draft

a violin. Has anybody taken a violin? No, he took the cello. Yeah, terrible pick. You have a baby version. Terrible pick. I'll take the miniature violin. That way I have a bow so we can bow fight.

Oh, bow fight. That'll be at least entertaining, the bow part. Yes, yes. How are people possibly voting on this? Oh, they're going to click one of the names. All right. So what did you learn on the show today? I learned that Mike knows more instruments than I do.

I learned that Mike was worried about his funny feelings in front of his parents. I like the way that's worded. Mike, did you learn anything special on the show today I learned that you should not do A draft of Fighting with musical instruments Oh I loved it You learned that Twilight Sleep existed

Ah that's actually something I did really learn I learned that you can buy New clothes from the 80's Thank you for tuning in We'll see you next time Goodbye the 80s. Thank you for tuning in. We'll see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the

guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. If you want to hear more, if you want access to the full archive, ad-free, go to SpitballersPod.com. You can get all the information it takes to support this show.