Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 61: The World’s Largest Boot & Our Favorite TV Moms - Funny Podcast

Episode Date: August 19, 2019

Have you ever said something out loud and immediately realized how dumb it sounded? Don’t worry, so has Andy. Also, find out what’s got Al Borland raining on everyone’s parade today. In our ‘Would You Rather’ segment, we discuss the pros and cons of flossing (the dance) vs. flossing (your teeth). We also have another surprise appearance from our local wizard as we enter ‘The Situation Room’. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey everyone, before we start today's show, I want to remind you about a way you can support this independent podcast. Check out SpitballersPod.com. It's going to give you all the details of how you can join in, support this show, and get access to our full archive, our backlog of episodes. Check it out, SpitballersPod.com. TheSpitBallersPod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice,

explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's The Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Oh, I loved it. Look, fellas, I have not stopped thinking about my last intro. It was bad. You've been a man in the mirror. It was objectively horrifying.

You made up for it. As the man with the musical background, I was ashamed. I like that one because it started a little earlier. I like that one because it had a difficult, like, you know, you've got like the floor routine in the Olympics, and then you've got a couple of those, the passes. Here comes the triple. It had a difficult part in the middle.

And then you actually, I believe you played some horns. I did. I went to the triple. It had a difficult part in the middle. And then you actually, I believe, you played some horns. I did. I went to the trumpet. You actually played them. That was the most impressive part for me. What's nice is since we unfortunately rotate the scat next week, I will be destroying anything good that has been built here. Yes.

Well, we look forward to it. into the spitballers podcast episode 61 we've got a review we've got situation room we've got would you rather and yet another fun draft on the show today you can follow the show on twitter at spitballers pod we appreciate all the support the reviews the subscriptions on apple podcast google podcast spotify wherever you're listening and a reminder new shows drop each and every monday so we try to improve your monday make it just a little bit better and we we do that in part by scatting to the music that's true so that's true let's jump into a review. Review-a-saurus rags.

This one comes in from Desmond the Moon Bear. Five stars. The review is titled, My Brother Listens Behind My Back. I just wanted to say that you three are the kings of clean comedy. You kids remind me of Gaston. One is quick, one is slick, and one's neck is incredibly thick. I'll let you decide who is who. We know.

I call slick. I call thick because of obvious reasons. Every Monday I get a buzzing from my phone and see to my delight that y'all have a new episode out. My brother says you guys aren't funny but then i'll catch him listening to y'all when he thinks i'm not there wait it's cool not to like it up and stay fresh it's cool not to like us publicly hey i am totally like none of that clean comedy man yeah i am totally fine just being your secret comedy podcast. You know what I mean?

Like just, oh, dude, I would never. You got to scratch that itch. Frank, what are you doing? It's not what you think. Just chucks the phone. It's like having a guilty pleasure in music, know where they're where his secret taylor swift affections the headphone cord pops out and then it's just us with poop jokes oh my and you're busted and you're busted what a loser you listen to us all right thank you for the review i think

we're moving on the situation realm all right spencer from twitter he's gonna put us into i haven't read any of these this one's rough fellas oh really get ready spencer sent in a situation you've just rejoined your family in a Disneyland crowd after sneaking off to grab a churro. Sounds great. You give your wife a semi-appropriate pinch, and you put your arm around your bride. As she turns to look at you, disgusted,

you realize that the woman is not your wife, but a complete stranger who resembled your wife from behind what do you do oh man look there's there's only one thing you could do it is your hopefully your face resembles the shame and embarrassment that you feel you apologize apologize profusely, and you run. You run away. You leave the park. You leave your family. You never return.

Man, that's right. Like Simba being banished from the Pride Lands. Yes, exactly. Run away. We've all been there, right? No, I've never done this. No, no, no. We've all mistaken someone from the back and maybe talked to them

or something totally mild, but not necessarily come up and give them a little pat on the bottom. A little, hey, babe. Whoa, you're not my wife. You are. And that's what you've got to do. You've got to go, whoa, you're not my wife. I think running might be a problem.

Yeah, I want to force it. I think running might be a problem. Yeah, I want a Forrest Gump. It's after the apology. You have to face up to what you have done. And then you just turn and run? If I don't run, I'm going to disintegrate into the ground. My body will just be primordial ooze for everyone to step in. It would be the end, the end of me. If you do that, you've done it.

Are you now liable for assaulting a person? Seriously, if they were so offended and upset, could you get in trouble? Not a lawyer. Basically, could you use the excuse of whoopsie daisies? In a court of law. In a court of law? I don't think so. No.

No, you can't. That's not going to hold water. Officer, he then turned and ran at full speed as fast as he could. See, and that's why running away is a problem. You go half speed? You're admitting that you did something. You're admitting you did something wrong. It's done.

But you run when you, like, I stole something, and I don't want to get caught, so I'm out of here. You can't ever catch me. Right, it admits guilt by running. Also, don't pull your wallet out and try to buy it. No, no, no. No, you cannot buy your way out of that situation. You're just digging the hole deeper at that point. I mean, the truth is, this happens in real life it would be

i i would i would be so red i would be laugh i i would say oh my gosh i'm so sorry and then uncontrollably whether to the delight of the person or the the anguish of the person depending on personality i couldn't stop myself from laughing like i know me i would right after i apologize and i'm red i would just start laughing at what an idiot i am and then that would like if the roles were reversed like if somebody else did this to my wife and and she got to see the shame lay down flat on your face just kill me just do whatever you want lay down i was in a parking lot once i told you guys this story. I don't know if I said it on Spitballers.

I was waiting at a coffee shop, 8 or 9 o'clock at night. So it's a dark parking lot. I knew my sister was coming to meet me. She drives a Honda Civic. A Honda Civic pulls up. I go out there just to be funny. It's my little sister. I'm going to like, I see somebody's on the phone.

This is the same car as my sister. I go up to the window in a dark parking lot because I'm going to just throw my face up into the window. Scare her. And scare my sister when she turns away from her phone. It was a 65-year-old woman. Oh, my gosh. That's horrific.

She jumped out of her shoes. And then I had to figure out how many times it's appropriate to apologize in a 30-second span. I could not have felt more embarrassed. I held the door open for her going into the coffee shop. I don't think she wants you there opening the door. She's like, okay, now this man is opening the door for me. And no one wants you to say, I'm not a stalker. I'm not a creep.

No, I'm not a creep. I'm super not a creep. I'm not a creep right now. Things you shouldn't ever have to say. Yes. Okay. Well, that is a horrible situation. Let's move on.

No, no, wait. Real quick. Okay. The situation is made better, and I really appreciate the fact that they allowed me to go get a churro so we can't forget that oh give her the churro you got it you hand over the churro man not happening not happening i'll go to jail i'll take out the wallet before the churro this is my churro i i waited in the stand did you just give my wife a churro to someone someone could jump out jump out and say, Jason, I've got your family. It's the churros or your family.

And Jason would be like, oh. Here's what I would do. I would eat the churro and give him the butt of the churro. I'd say, oh. Okay, here you go. At least let's go half skis on this. Is that all right? Exactly.

You give me half the family back. I give you half the churro. That's a fair deal. Because it's a Disneyland churro specifically. Of course. What does that kidnapper do if you take one last bite of the churro? Oh, and that bite is not small. It's not a small bite.

Can I have one more bite? No, you don't have one. You go. You stare him in the eyes. You go, my family. And you take one bite and hand it over. Are you not? Do they go kill him? Do they go kill him?

Do they say kill him? That bite would not look appropriate. Let's just say that. No. All right. Luke from the website. Stop eating it, Jason. Jason, you're killing your family.

Just give him the churro. You're killing your family. Kill one of them. It's so good. Luke wants to know what you do in in this situation guys uh you are frozen for 2 000 years upon waking you're allowed to google one thing what do you google so let's take modern day you get frozen tomorrow you're frozen for 2 000 years do you know uh al borland how are you doing today i'm good how are you um do you know when you wake up that it's been 2,000 years?

Because my answer is, what year is it? That's what I'll Google if I don't know it's 2,000 years. I would say they tell you you've been frozen for 2,000 years. Here's a computer. Google's still a thing. Yeah. We'll go with that. Okay.

That's tough because I would instantly want to know what happened to my family. Right. But I can't Google that. What happened to my family. Right. The first thought. But I can't Google that. What happened to my family 2,000 years ago? You can in the sense that you can. My Google, my search would be how old do people live today? Like what is the average? You know what I mean?

Because that's not going to help you. You're 2,000 years. You need to look up average age 2,000 years ago. No, because it's how old people are today. If people that year are 2,100 years old on average, then I'm good. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life. You don't wake up 2,000 years later going, maybe they're still alive. Well, but the advances in technology, maybe they've downloaded their brain into a robot body.

It's right now, Jay. I'm freezing you right now. When you wake up in 2,000 years and they go, it's 2,000 years. It could happen before we die. You would ask, how long do people live? Before my children die, they very well might be able to go into a robot body. You're going with the lawnmower man. We've downloaded, and now we are

we are techno people yeah because that's what i would search to see if there's any chance because without that my family's long gone my answer was actually very similar yet somehow different it's where is the robot store where i go and i get all my cool enhancements so you're your family be darned they They're gone, man. I'm not this guy waking up 2,000 years holding on hope. Maybe my family's still alive. No, they're gone. Would you go find your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great kids?

Yes, after I'm a robot. Priorities. Step one is to become a robot. Dude, superpowers, man. Now, here's the thing. How are you paying for that? You wake up 2,000 years from now, your money's no good here.

Could I offer you a George Washington? In 2,000 years, I feel like you... I got a Bitcoin. We're good, man. You might be the one... I got the future. The one non-robot in that universe. Because in 2,000 years... That's true. You could be... It's like the Ewoks holding

up C-3PO. Like you could be the special creature because you're not a robot. So the first thing you Google is, are humans still around? That would be the first Google. Well, I would probably look at the doctor that told me I was in there 2000 years old

to figure that out. Was it C-3PO or was it? It's a human that hands you the computer. Do humans still exist? Well, I got to know. Maybe this guy is. How long do they live if they still exist? Well, I got to know. Maybe this guy... How long do they live if they do exist? Is it 2,100 years?

A man can dream, Andy. You'd wake up and say, is my child still alive? Yes. And you're a hopeful man. Yes. Look, there could become a time where, technologically speaking,

barring other accidents where the the lifespan is completely changed it's just a matter of that moment in time is that moment in you know mike you're saying that 2 000 years from now that'll be there will it be there a thousand years from now 500 years from now well that would infer that 80 years from now your family years from now? Well, that would infer that your 80 years from now? Your family has to make it 500 years from now. I like how he took it. No, I was working my way back. He was three steps. Here's what's his three steps. Is it 2,000 years? 1,000 years? 500

years? 80 years? That's four steps. Maybe it was next week. I don't know. I was frozen. I'm just so, so, I didn't know that you believed that any day now we're going to live to be approximately 2100 years old we just gotta make it to that moment here's the real answer there's no one that's ever done this and i can't possibly comprehend how your brain doesn't explode from being incapable of comprehending

that happening if you woke up 2,000 years from now, I don't know how you could comprehend it, right? Sure. A coma patient for 30, 40, I don't know what the longest coma patient is, where they've woken up, is it 10 years, 20 years? I have no idea.

But comprehending that, I think you'd think you're dead. Maybe I'd Google, am I dead? Ooh. Right? Yes, and you would not get an answer yeah yes it just says yes 37 years 37 now 37 years but that is that to waking up or was that just how long the coma lasted because that's the real crux here well i imagine he was looking waking up and being cognizant. Right. Yeah, I looked for longest coma survivor.

37 years. Wow. See, thinking about that, that breaks my brain. That's what I was thinking. If this was 200 years and not 2000, would it be any different whatsoever? I took a nap once where I overslept an appointment. I woke up more panic than anybody on this earth. I can't imagine. What day is it?

I woke up going, I've missed everything. Someone will wake up. Am I still married? You guys still like disco? How'd that spitballers podcast turn out? That's what people will be asking. They became world famous, didn't they? Like Bill and Ted. Just our stupid stuff actually saves the world. These are fun. I'm diving back into the Situation Room. Caleb from Patreon, so one of our Spitwad supporters at SpitballersPod.com.

You receive another visit. Oh, great. I'm back. From your local wizard. It's me. Oh, great. I'm back! From your local wizard. It's me! The local wizard. He tells you he can solve one of the world's major problems. World hunger, global warming, cancer, poverty.

But you have to spend the next year working. What a jerk! Just fix the problem! As a telemarketer, a porta-potty cleaner cleaner or a crime scene sanitizer what issue do you get rid of and what job do you choose gotta love questions where you're put on the spot to decide what global phenomenon of evil you need to solve well the and the others aren't

as important right that's the best part of this question this is not on us man this is on the wizard no but he says the wizard's fault yes totally the wizard's fault but i mean look if you've been if only you were a telemarketer i couldn't stop the global warming you're a real jerk local wizard someone must pay the toll so the thing is you're not going to turn it down right because then you're the jerk fair point you're not going to turn it down, right? Because then you're the jerk. Fair point. You're going to say, alright, I'll take the lumps. I'm going to solve something. Meh. So what is it? I thought about

answering, and then I felt like I was being... I'm not going to solve global warming. Because I'm a techno-optimist. You think we will figure it out? I believe we are on the way of figuring it out. Before it becomes too dire, we'll have advanced. Mr. Techno-Optimist doesn't think that it's possible in our lifetime

that we'll get to the point to download our brain into a computer. You are a techno-pessimist. You're more of a techno-optimist prime. Okay. All right. I'll allow it. Cancer? I think techno-optimism will? I think we're going to...

Techno-optimism will tell me that we're going to continue to extend life. I think the big problem is then world hunger. Poverty? They both breed their own evils. I think we're making some strides on those too. So, I don't know. World hunger. All right. I'll go world hunger, and then I guess I'll work as a telemarketer.

Because... The job has to be telemarketed. I'd rather make the phone calls than the cleanup work. Come on. Yeah, man, this is tough when it comes to like. Between the jobs? No, not between the jobs, but between. You think, okay, I want to solve clean water everywhere. No droughts.

You know what I mean? Right. Clean water for all humans all you want my cloud machine i don't want that mike i don't think that's gonna solve the problems you think it's gonna solve if you could make or that will ever exist even 2100 years from now wait mr techno optimist he is not a i'm not a techno impossibilist You're telling me that we'll get to the point where we can cure diseases. But a simple cloud? Let me ask you that.

First of all, it's not simple, Mike. It's in the atmosphere. You're producing them for... You're saying producing Earth-sized weather. Yeah, I think it's a challenge. What was that movie? Let me ask you a question, Mike. What was the deep...

Are we ever going to make a boot the size of a continent? A boot? Yeah, a boot. Like Italy? Like a human boot. Are you ever going to make a human boot? Could we ever make one as big as a continent? No.

No. That's too many materials. That is not a strong argument to win here. Your point makes no sense. None whatsoever. That's so much leather. Let me ask you a question, Mike. Do you think we're ever going to start printing people with a Hewlett Packard?

You think we're going to do that? That's what I think of your cloud machine. Why would you ever have come up with, you think they're going to make a boot the size of a continent? That's the reason. That makes no sense. My point is there are things that are outside the bounds of our possibilities. Yes, exactly.

A boot the size of a continent. That's what you want. And worldwide weather. Those are the only two impossibles. Oh, mercy. There are only two things we can never do. Are you ever going to make a bowl of spaghetti the size of Cincinnati? No.

No, they aren't. I'm a technical optimist. Who's going to eat it? Oh, man. I can't breathe. Look, there are some things that the humans can't do. They can't control the weather, and they can't make continent-sized boots. Okay.

All right, are we done talking to each other yet? Next segment. All right. Real quick, I got to redeem myself here before my DMs fill up, but it's 27 years for someone who actually woke up. So that 37-year was a liar. She didn't make it. Oh, God. deem myself here before my DMs fill up, but it's 27 years for someone who actually woke up. So that 37 year was a liar. She didn't make it.

Al Borland! So wait, 27 years and didn't wake up? No, 27 did wake up. If you go 37, we're not going to talk about it. Oh! Dad brought the show down. Hold on. He had to break it.

It's like one of the funniest moments in the show's history. Yes, we're cracking up right now. Guys, guys, it's official. I can't have kids. What was that about? Before my DMs blow up, I want to let you know, she actually didn't make it. He's so worried about his DMs. He probably knew how my abs felt and that I needed to calm down.

Thank you for bringing death quickly into view. All right. I'm Googling the boot question in 2,100 years. That's for darn sure. Did we ever make that boot? That's what they say. what nobody wanted take a look around where do you think you're living you're in the boots you're in the boot all along oh my goodness we're moving on would you rather? All right. All right.

Dan, who is an official spitwad, asks the question, would you rather have to vigorously floss your teeth immediately after every time you eat something or enthusiastically floss and dance every time? The dance. Floss. Oh, oh, enthusiastically floss. Do the dance dance the floss every time someone initiates a handshake with you oh i will punch that person in the face yeah and i totally understand that but there are there are not many things that are worse than having to floss vigorously yeah i, I didn't even get there yet.

You don't like flossing. Well, flossing is for the birds. You don't like the way it feels afterwards? No. Get out of here, big floss. I'm not buying into your nonsense. If you notice, I found those little half floss, half toothpick things.

Yeah, the little... Wait. They're like pipe cleaners for your teeth. Yeah. It has floss? It's a flossing mechanism. It's not made out of floss. Okay, I was imagining a toothpick that had like a little lasso on it.

What? Yes, you were. They do have those with the actual floss on them on the other side of the toothpick. Yeah. But Andy's talking about the ones that look more like a pipe cleaner. Pipe cleaner, yeah. I like the feeling of clean teeth. My teeth have nooks and crannies. When I eat, I bring those around. I always pick up a toothpick. Yeah. But Andy's talking about the ones that look more like a pipe cleaner. Pipe cleaner. Yeah. I like the feeling of clean teeth. My teeth have nooks and crannies. When I eat,

I bring those around. I always pick up a toothpick. I like them clean. So I don't think if you said, all right, you're done eating. I got to go floss. This is vigorous. So I mean, you're bleeding everywhere. Only the first time. Only like the first three weeks. Yeah. But eventually, in fairness,

in fairness, one of these two things helps you. And one of these two things. I will have no gingivitis. Other than burning a few extra calories doing the floss, I don't think there's a real help to the dance here. It would bring a lot of joy. To you and to those you love. Yes, that's what I mean.

If someone goes to get a handshake at a really important business meeting, I'm suited up. Then I'm like, oh, yeah, hit him with the floss. What happens when you have to shake hands with everybody at that round table? Well, now, it's only when they... First time, you're funny. Second time, ha-ha. If it's a group scenario, you can't have to go for everything.

No, no, no. Absolutely, you can. But you've got to come in here, and you've got to make sure that you're the initiator. You go around the table, and you shake everybody's hand because it says every time someone initiates a handshake with you is when you do the floss. Oh, you found a loophole. Okay. So when you're in a sad situation, when you're at the funeral as Al Borland would want us to be. When you're there, you're wanting to make sure that you're the initiator.

Otherwise, you're going to be flossing. It's going to be awkward. You just walk around with your hand extended. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Guys, she's dead. Oh, flossy, flossy. I'm doing the floss, man, because I would rather. You don't like doing the actual floss.

Yeah, I would rather do that dance 24 hours a day than put dental floss in these teeth. So you never floss? Never. Never. Never. Never have, never will. The more you floss, the less you need to floss. That's the way it works.

Is that true? The more you floss, the more you have to go to the dentist. No, the first time you floss, if you don't floss normally, you will be a bloody mess. But then it cleans your teeth, though. I floss every now and then, but I'm not. Once a week? Yeah, I would say once a week is probably about right. That's about right.

But I don't use the whole, you know the spool of floss? I do like that. Of course you use that. That's what they used in the 20s. They do sell it today. To older people. You got to wrap around. You're cutting off circulation in your fingers.

Every single time I use that, I end up using like 22 yards because I just keep moving through it. I don't know how to, but the little toothpick floss. I like those things, but the reason I use the regular floss is because those break. Because it's what daddy did. No, I have those. I bought those so many times. The ones that have the little toothpick on one end and they stretch the floss out on the other end but when you i got some tight teeth they're very close together and it just breaks them i have you you understand that right borland hundreds of them i

never ever ever seen one broken when i'm driving in the car they're great and he has little razor shark teeth just shriek another one all right p, PJ from Twitter. Would you rather a stranger choose what you eat or when you eat? Wow. Oh, my goodness. It's got to be when. This is too close to home. When? Wait.

Do you have a stranger doing this for you right now? Wait, is that what that means? Yes, that's what that means. That would also infer it is close to home because it's your wife so your wife chooses what you eat and when you eat so that phrase i think i'm using it incorrectly the what i'm trying to say is this one hits two hits in like the heart hits too near my heart and my passions for me to, because whatever you choose.

That makes far more sense. This question could easily. That some shadow figure has to decide what you eat. I mean, this question is a nightmare. Because what I'm choosing is for someone to do me wrong. Right? Sure. What I eat or when I eat.

But I think if the person is choosing what you eat, there is a chance that you're real hungry. You want to sit down and eat. And they're like, have some kidney beans. Here's some liver and onions. And you're like, uh, crap. Or Jason, here's a salad. Okay. And then you choose when they eat and they're like, crap. Or Jason, here's a salad. Okay, and then you choose when they eat, and they're like, Thursday. Enjoy your four-day fast.

I mean, that's a problem. I don't think that's in the spirit of the question. Like, never. But kidney beans are fine? Just have some kidney beans? There's a lot of protein. You'll sustain your life uh i don't think i want someone choosing when i eat i need to be choosing when i eat so that i can

stay energetic exactly be the kind of mental have the kind of mental acuity that i had on that boot question yeah when was the last time you ate lunch thursday so um i'm if they choose what you eat you might never eat i get too hangry like i get i get really legitimately hangry what's what's a food that you actually hate beets okay gosh yeah so beets So I'm not eating. That was my whole point. Wow. That's a jerk, man. And you are correct, because beets are not good. Kids, you want some dirt? Here's a beet.

Chew it up. It's full of nutrients. Don't worry. It'll stain everything around you. I'm taking the what? I want to say I'm taking the win because of my anger and that I worry if I

if I can't if they're not letting me eat when I need to eat I'm going to just get angry and I'm going to cause problems but I need to control when I pretend to eat healthy or when I eat like I do alright Kiko from Patreon

would you rather always have to reprimand everybody else's kid in public when they are misbehaving or have to let your own kid have a meltdown in public, but you can't say or do anything about it and you can't leave until the situation is over? So you're the parent ignoring the meltdown letting everyone be affected by it around you and the their ire easy peasy i will grab a bag of popcorn and i will sit 12 inches from my kid melting down and eat it while everybody watches i think you're lying no i'm not saying that I would do that in real life or enjoy it or that I am fine

with letting my kid melt down in public. It terrifies... It's the worst. It's the worst. Well, no, no. It's not the worst. The worst is reprimanding everybody else's kids? Yes.

Man. What kind of reprimander would you be if you had to be that? Would you be the sarcastic one? I feel like if it's what kind of reprimander would you be if you had to be that would you be the sarcastic one you know i feel like if it's reprimand oh you're just like like what yeah what attitude would you have do you walk over and reprimand the kid are you really sarcastic about the parents in trying to reprimand the kid like what do you i feel like i guess you have to go over and actually punish the kid yes for this question for this question you have to walk over and you say, like, stop doing that or you're grilled.

You've got to dole out a punishment. You have to actually say. Oh, just go take the dessert away from the kid right in front of him. I mean, that would be wonderful. Say, you're done. You're done. It's the reprimand that's the hard part. But it's just talking, because I will say this.

I say that I would never reprimand, but there are certain times. You have to yeah i have i've been the parent that's like oh no that ain't that ain't happening you know we were at one of those jump jungle places yes and it's like there's this kid that no one was like none of the workers were saying anything and he was just throwing foam in everybody's face and like jumping when other people were jumping in and try i mean it was just like dude where is this kid's parents like he's literally causing a problem everywhere he's going and i've done that many times but only as it affects my children i feel like or the children or like another another like a social good was gonna happen if i jumped in and said

no stop doing that right now that's but think people, we should be doing that. As a society, if a kid is doing something like that, someone has to walk up and be like, hey, man, you can't do that. Right. But that's not reprimanding. Generally speaking, if it's someone else's kid and it's a, hey, you can't do that, they will stop doing it. But that is not reprimanding.

Punishing someone else's kid is also saying goodbye to your friendship because good luck getting out of that situation. Or goodbye to your face because that dad punches it right off. Yeah. It's not good. We've all experienced the kid's meltdown. Do you just do the stare down? You know what I mean?

The adult parent hardcore stare down to this kid like you watch it. It's not ending well. No, no, it's not. And we've all had the kids melting down with nothing you could do about it. I mean, eventually you pick them up and you just leave or something like that. But we've all experienced where you can't console them and they're going to do what they want to do. So over reprimanding someone else's child, that's the one I will take. Yeah.

When my kids have an email down, all I want is the other parents to say, they're trying. They're giving it a go over there. Just sitting there and not caring, oh, that'd be tough. But I think you have to go with that one. If you just keep a conversation going with your friend, but you're just talking louder. Tell the other people to keep it down. Hey, don't worry about it.

Yeah. It'll wear off. All right, we're into a draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right, our draft today is best TV moms. Our favorite. Our favorite TV moms. Yeah, they don't have to be good moms.

It says best in my show, Doc. There's no way that Jeremy meant something he didn't put in the show, Doc. Al Borland would only put in the show, Doc, what he wants me to say, right? He is just furiously sweating over there. Oh, look, it says favorite TV moms now. That's what mine says. All right, so Mike, you have the first pick. We're picking our favorite television mothers.

All right, I got to kick the draft off the way I think it should be handled. This mom has been on television longer than any other mom. And you know what? She's a freaking great mom. This is a great role model, a great lady. She's helped hold the house together, raising them kids. And her kids are not easy to raise i'm going to take marge simpson yeah she's definitely on my short list and here's the thing i've got a

short list so this will be we're doing three rounds by the way okay i'm doing three rounds today all right so uh yeah yeah marge marge is obviously great um man i gotta play the game here of who's gonna come back yeah who's gonna come back. Yeah. Who's going to come back? Cause there's one that look, I don't care what Borland says I'm allowed to take because we better not have the same thing. Well, the nice thing is even if we do have the same sneaky strategy, I get to pick again before you do. So I'm going to hold off on this one and I'm look, this is our show. I get to pick who I want, and I'm picking. But not yet. Okay.

Clearly, we both have the same exact idea. Okay. So, I am going to take Leslie Knope, who is a phenomenal mother at the end of the Parks and Rec. Yes. I was going to say, that's not ringing the bell, but at the end, she did have the kid. Yes. So, Leslie Knope.

That's a great call. She was a great TV mom. She was a hard the kid. Yes. So, Leslie Knope. That's a great call. She was a great TV mom. She was a hard-working mom. You know, she was able to do everything. I don't disagree. Like, that's fine. You can make that pick. Oh, yeah.

That's as far away from favorite TV moms that I could ever fathom for a pick. Like, it's not an iconic. Too recent. It wasn't. Like, that wasn't even her role on the show like her i didn't i didn't remember that she was even that's your fault what season was that the last season of the show is that is that one of them yeah the last season is when she becomes

a mother this struggle lifelong struggle to be a mother and then finally... That was not the lifelong struggle. Oh, yeah, certainly. Oh, my God. It's the weirdest pick ever. I think it's great. Thank you, Mike. Okay, so I... It also doesn't take anyone off my list

because I didn't remember that either. Yeah. Because she's... All right, whatever. I'll take two that I grew up with. I will take Jill Taylorill taylor from home improvement oh yeah and i will take claire huxtable from the cosby show okay she was an incredible tv mom both of them were so those are my two picks all righty my pick yeah oh she is a

mother there's three there's three children there was well there were three dang it then there's two i'm taking the mother of dragons give me calise give me daenerys targaryen the ultimate tv mom i mean well to be fair her kids kept dying off that's true uh well spoiler alert sorry everybody she did chain them up and locked them in a dungeon at one point so this is not best tv mom this is favorite she used them to burn down an entire it did not end well it did not end well so um yeah but iconic favorite character who is known for being a mother of dragons. It was on my list.

I honestly thought with my very last pick I was going to be able to sneak that one in there. All right, so I'm on the turn. I've got to take two. My first one is easy. I'm taking Claire Dunphy. Oh, that's a good one. Because she is B.A. Talking about handles, things, and extremely funny.

If people don't know who she's from, this is where you would tell them. That's what I was setting you up to wear. From Modern Family. So if you don't watch that show, maybe you don't know who she is. She's from Modern Family. Oh, man. And then coming around with the next pick. Three rounds. Oh, man. And then coming around with the next pick. Yes.

Three rounds. Three rounds. Well, I've got my list, but now I'm tilting here a little bit knowing that this will be my last pick. I am going to take your time. Yeah, of course I'm taking my time here. Do I go with the old 50s mom, or do I go with the newer modern mom, which I guess I have one from Modern Family,

or do I go with the wild card? There are so many places to go. All right, I'm going to take Carol Brady. I'll take Carol. I feel like it's just too strong. It's too strong. That was a modern pick, right? No, that was the old 50s pick.

I told you I had three ways I could have gone, and I went with the 50s one. You got it. All right, so I'm looking here. I'm trying to find something that just really speaks to me, and I can't i'm i'm drawing i'm drawing a blank but there is a family show that has meant a lot to our family recently my children were in uh the production of the adams family that's it that was my wild card is

was yes it was morticia yes and they're coming out with a new movie now the animated movie coming out soon so i'm gonna i forgot about the animated movie yeah i'm gonna take morticia adams from the adams family which uh the the musical that's a great part i've been told we were supposed to go four rounds now. Oh! Yes, thank you. What, the musical? Yeah. It's a musical. The theatrical production is a musical. It's true.

I've heard a lot of it lately. Really? Yeah. The only musical from the Addams, or music from the Addams family, is the theme song with the snapping, and MC Hammer's killer rendition when they had the reboot in the early 90s. Thanks for the history lesson, except the incorrect history lesson because it's also a musical. All right, so your teams.

Tell me your teams so far. So far I've got the Mother of Dragons. I have Morticia Adams and Leslie Knope. What a great team. I also like where I'm over him and in Han over here of what is my fourth pick, and Andy's like, oh, now we're going to go four. I told you I'm happy to go three. No, we're going four.

I've been told to go four by others. We're going four. So don't blame me. We've got the time. We're going four. So my team right now is Carol Brady, Marge Simpson, Claire Dunphy. I have Jill Taylor from Home Improvement, Claire Huxtable from The Cosby Show. I'm going to go Joyce Byers

from Stranger Things. Oh! Prominent role over the last three years and will stop at nothing. Yes, that is true. To protect her child and her child's friends. She'll go to the upside down if she's got it. She will.

She will. That was a way better sneaky pick than Jason's. Oh, I've got a better one. Yeah. So I got one more. And it's close. I thought a little bit about Catelyn Stark, to be honest with you. Oh, yeah. Certainly.

But for humor factor, I'll go Lois Griffin. She was on my list. Lois Griffin. Okay. Okay. I left Stark Lois Griffin. She was on my list. Lois Griffin. Okay. Okay. I left Stark off. Yeah. I mean, her mothering, not a lot of them made it through.

The way she treated my man. My man. Jon Snow? Yeah. Yeah. That's why I left her off. I mean, come on. So Jill Taylor, Claire Huxtable, Joyce Byers, Lois Griffin.

I have already proven that this next pick is not a vote-getter. Apparently, not enough people know the show as well, but when you know the show, it's great. And I know I'm going to make Andy a little bit jealous here because you want to talk about a mother who will stop at nothing to rescue her children? How about June Osborne, a.k.a. Ofoseph andy from the handmaid's tale oh you're talking about a mother that is a i haven't seen it that is i june is i mean color june sure june um has

there ever been a mother willing to do more risk more for herself that's a spectacular pick thank you yeah i'd vote getting it'd be darned i mean favorite it's favorite tv mom it's whoever you Risk more. Risk more for herself. That's a spectacular pick. Thank you. Yeah. Vote getting Be Darned. I mean, it's favorite TV mom. It's whoever you want that plays a TV mom. And she is unbelievable in that show. Yeah. All right.

Well, I guess I get to round it out. I get a fourth pick. A little bit unexpected here. And I will go. I mean've i feel like i took i feel like we did the dad's draft and in that dad's draft i feel like my my curveball in there was i took on uncle phil so i'm taking on viv i'm completing the cycle baby on viv was awesome she was holding it down in the fresh Prince. She was a spectacular mom, and I get to live in that cool house. That's a good pick.

Yeah. I thought about going Jane Jetson just for the sake I can get the technology. See, the thing about the Jane Jetson is that Wilma Flintstone was way better than Jane Jetson. Holding Fred Flintstone in check?

Not easy. All right, what did you guys learn on today's show? I learned that the hardest thing for humans to accomplish is a continent-sized boot. I learned that any day now, we will be downloading into robots any day now. I was going to say, I learned that apparently, Jason believes, most people alive today will live to be 2,100 years

of age. It's at least Google-able 2,000 years from now. I'm sorry, sir. They only made it 2,000 years. You just missed it. Alright, that is it for the Spitballers Podcast. Thank you for supporting the show. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. Thank you for supporting the show.