Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 62: Licking Mars & The Worst Playlist Ever - Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 26, 2019

On today’s show, we talk about licking planets and interplanetary royalty. We also take the time to find the line between Andy’s generosity and selfishness. Then, find out why Jason doesn’t want his family to listen to this episode. Would you rather people have access to your search history or your purchase history? Lastly, we close down the show with a very annoying draft. Subscribe and tell your friends about another fun episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey spit wads if you want to help support this show and get access to the entire archive ad free go to spitballerspod.com click become a spit wad and you can do what you've always dreamed of doing which is become an official spit wad. Spit one. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Well, you got me to laugh.

It's not how tight you grip the microphone. Darn it. I was really hoping that's what mattered because I got this mic on lockdown. You were getting into it so early. I had to. To try to muster up. It wasn't so bad. It wasn't so bad. Not your worst.

It's not my worst. And I'm proud of that. Not your best. Is that true? Yeah, it's true. Yeah. I've done better than that? You've done better.

Because I feel like that was pretty pinnacle. Well. For me. Not for the show. Yeah. Just for me. It's like the highest D grade you've ever gotten on a test. You've gotten lots of Ds, but this is a passing.

Is it a passing D? D is always a pass, right? Is that true? Like a 68. Yeah. Not in my house, kids. Yeah. Yeah.

You listening? Welcome into the Spitballers podcast. Andy, Mike, and Jasonason back with you today we have that's a great question we have would you rather and we have uh what al borland is describing as an anti-draft so you'll find out what that means how are you doing today al i'm great how are you andy never really pronounced it like that al Owl. Owl. Owl. He's doing wonderful. It's like he's saying the word owl.

Yeah. Owl Borland. Oh. Because he puts me to sleep. I like that. Owl Borland? Owl Borland. That's not bad.

That's pretty good, Mike. Find the show on Twitter at SpitballersPod. You can weigh in on the draft. You can send us your questions. Obviously, everybody over on the Patreon page patreon page thank you thank you for supporting thank you for the ideas for the different segments we get great ones all the time so we appreciate that this is gonna be a good show you know how i know that because uh you started it well of course but because you're drinking a yoohoo because i'm drinking a yooHoo. Hashtag not a sponsor.

Look, chocolate water. They said it's not good. I can't believe you're drinking a Yoo-Hoo. I can't believe I'm only drinking one Yoo-Hoo. All right. Hey, Owl, be on call. I might need another Yoo-Hoo up in here. I got you. You can hoot your way over to the fridge and fly in another yoo-hoo.

Thanks, owl. You got it. Just hoot your way over as owls are prone to do. Would you rather? Why don't you just horse your way down the track? Right, that's what they say. Go bird your way through the air. I want you to take a drink

fly in and feed me like a little baby bird yeah would you rather segment number one question number one comes from steven on instagram would you rather have google publish your search history or your bank publish your purchase history. Okay. So this is what are you more ashamed of? It's a terrible question. This is really. No, this is.

One of them is fine and acceptable. The other one is not. Interesting. You have my attention. And I don't know which one you mean. Oh, look. If I have to pick between these two it's published the purchase history because look obviously the we're older now but and even even still even still right now

there are things where you go you have a question and questions like they're weird questions they're very very bizarre questions questions that we don't. How do I get away with murder? No, but do you ever ask something to Google where, because they always talk about like these murder cases and they search the computer and he's like, you know, how do I mix Drano into Gatorade? Like those questions are on there. But have you ever asked something to Google where it's just a weird question? Maybe it's a medical question.

And you're like, if I committed murder in the next 48 hours, this would be a weird search? If you can't give context to some of these searches, it's not going to be a good look for everybody. And I'm not just looking in the mirror. You all know you have things in your Google search. So here's what I just thought to myself. Wait, can you look at your Google search history of course you can well i don't know i've never personally stopped and thought let me look at my google search history so i just went and

looked and there's a my activity here and the first thing you want to share on this show the first thing is hootie and the blowfish hold my hand because that's embarrassing it's super embarrassing like i can't even admit i i can't believe that i just admitted that i searched for that now in fairness i was searching not of my own i was searching because it got brought context context matters i couldn't remember how the song went. I searched for hip-hop hooray earlier this morning as I was looking for the Naughty by Nature video. That's just a weird one. There are strange thoughts that you have, and Google's right there.

It will receive any and all of your strange thoughts. I think I'm good here. I think I'm good because people assume I'm going to search for weird things. Yes, I am. Based on me. And so you wait. How do you pull a mustache hair out without it hurting? Right?

You have a purchase history of things where you're embarrassed? Most definitely. Most definitely. Jack in the box, jack in the box, jack in the box, jack in the box, Sonic jack in the box Sonic jack in the box Corner store This is Postmates related Guys if I

Published my purchase history It would be Beyond shameful If you looked at my purchase history Hawaiianrolls.com I mean it's literally It's probably 95% food like you guys would say you got a problem how many years has it been since you have cooked that's what you would say

to me like when was the last time you used your kitchen and i would say to you i still use my kitchen when postmates arrive so i i get my fork and my knife. Which are paper and plastic, right? No, no, no. I'll use the real deal. Oh, very fancy. I mean, I might take out a real plate. I like to imagine that you have purchased fake food to put in your refrigerator just so it looks like it's a regular household.

It's a dollhouse. It's the model home food. He's got it distributed around. But in fact, you never eat it. And it's all model home food he's got it distributed around but in fact you never eat it and it's all just taco bell postmates why do those potatoes never turn green uh because they're made of marble yeah i'm publishing my google search history you can see all the embarrassing songs you will regret i'll go i'll go purchase history i'm not that ashamed of my purchase history.

I'm fine with it. Yeah, I can't even think of anything. It's probably just going to be my wife's plants, like the plants that she buys all day long every day. That's why I work. I work for her plant hobby. And exotic species of animals. That's right. Sock Therapy from the website says,

would you rather start every snap at quarterback for a full season with your current ability or be the president of the United States for a full year with your current knowledge? Oh, my God. This is not a hard question. You get to be the president? That's what I would select. I like football, but you're asking me.

Let me put it another way. Would you rather receive a concussion once a week, every week, for a full season, or be the most powerful person in the country? I believe I would never get a concussion. I believe that if I was a quarterback that had every single play, I wouldn't need it out. I would throw an interception on purpose. First play, every drive.

I take that ball and I go, take it. Just take it. Just take it. It wouldn't even go to like a defensive back. This is going to the D lineman right in my grill. You kneel down and hold it up like it's a royal chalice. Yes. Take your ball.

Well, I think the angle here is supposed to be like kind of the excitement and pride maybe of being a quarterback would be cool. Oh, it would if I could play quarterback. Right, right. And look, I have other people help me out. From the president? Yeah.

The thing is, I think this person does not realize how good i would be at president yeah we've already heard your platform my platform is amazing things are changed things are different because here's what i would do i would make the country better and i would make the economy stronger yep well i would i hadn't thought of that. I would make the job market much better. Oh, yeah. More jobs. I would lower gas prices for sure. Yeah. Obviously zero taxes. Gone. Gone. Roads improve where we're going. I mean, we don't need roads. My ideas for being president are like I don't understand why people don't just come out and do all the things that we want that that's clearly and you want to be the one that changes and i would do that i would be revered like jfk without having to die you want postmates now it's free it's free postmates subsidized don't worry still no tax you are still working as hard as you can to get the wally movie to come true for whatever america whatever you have been on this plat the platform is you want to be the

people in wally yes the the what a glorious life would you rather be no this is random thoughts, so it could be bad. Would you rather be the president of the United States, or you can only be there a couple years, or forever, you get to be known as the king of Mars. There's nothing there, but you are the king of that entire planet. For the rest of your life? For the rest of your life. Do you have to live there to be the king of Mars? You. For the rest of your life? For the rest of your life. Do you have to live there to be the king of Mars? You don't have to.

You can visit. Elon will get you there. Now, real quick, because this really does matter. Is this widely and 100% acknowledged by all? Universally accepted. I go somewhere, and they recognize that the king of Mars just walked in. Yes, you go to Sri Lanka. Oh, that's the king of Mars right there.

Oh, my goodness. Well, listen, we have not been doing space travel the right way. If I told you right now, and we've done this Fantasy Footballers podcast, one night I said, we were sitting in our hotel in California, I said, first person to touch the ocean gets $1,500. First person to touch Mars is the king of Mars. Forever. Forever. In your lineage. Your lineage. You pass it down. Oh, yeah, my dad was the king of Mars. I'll be the queen of Mars one day. You're almost there. The problem is you've got to lick it.

Sure. Obviously. This is real claim rules. Once you lick it, but the problem with licking Mars, that means you took your face mask off. That's a whole new problem. And you're deceased. Wait, so you got a bunch of people that touched Mars trying to figure out how to get their face mask off and lick it? Has anyone actually? No, because I've never been to Mars. Has anybody actually licked Mars?

Wait a minute. Did you just start? No, that wasn't going to go with lick. But I was going to go with, like, when you're actually there, are you touching it? Because you're covered in a suit? I'm satisfied. It's super easy. You need skin to skin. That's super easy. Skin to rock.

I'm there. I got my little scooper. I'm going to take that scooper. I'm going to go inside. I'm going to pour that thing in my helmet. I'm good with first touch, guys. I'm good with first touch, guys. I'm good with first touch of Mars.

We've never touched it. All right, well, fine. You get to be the king of Mars. And for that matter, first one to touch Saturn gets to be king of Saturn. Can you actually touch Saturn? It's a gas giant. Touch a ring.

First one to touch a ring. All right. Can you touch the rings, Barman? Yes, you can touch the rings because those are like above my pay grade. I have no idea. The rings can touch you. I believe they are flying very fast.

I believe you don't know if you're right or wrong. I can assure you that you are correct. I have no idea if I'm right or wrong, but I'm probably right. I am the president. So first touch. Well, I'm the king of Mars, so in your face. I'll make you the deal right now, though, between the three of us, because we don't know where we're headed.

Among the three of us, whichever one touches Mars first, the other two have to call that person the king of Mars. For the rest of their lives. For the rest of their lives. I'll make that deal. I'll make that deal. Yeah, yeah. Are we shaking on that?

Because this could happen. And you know what? It could happen. I'll make you the duke of a rock if I'm the king. Seriously? Yeah. You're not joking. You didn't say the duke of a rock. I'll make you the Duke of Iraq if I'm the king. Seriously? Yeah. You're not joking. You didn't say the Duke of Iraq.

I did. Like the country Iraq. No. Iraq. On Mars. I'm not in charge of Iraq. Yeah. Come on.

Don't be. I own Mars. I'm the king. And you'd be the duke? Yeah. You don't want to be a duke? I'd be a duke. I'd be a duchess.

I'm fine with whatever you want to make me. I want to be in the king's court on Mars. And the first thing you're doing is building, obviously, a castle. For sure. Because you can't be a king without a duke. I'd be a duchess. I'm fine with whatever you want to make me. I want to be in the king's court on March. And the first thing you're doing is building, obviously, a castle. For sure. How do you not? There's rocks everywhere. This is a platform I can get behind. All right. Homegrown Hooligan on Twitter sends us this question.

Would you rather be given $10 million but have to give it all away or be given $100,000 and not be able to spend any on anyone else? So I can give $10 million. I've got to give it away or I get $100,000. That's for me. That is the question. Now, are we being honest? Yeah.

Sometimes we get these questions and these are just let me reword it. Are you a good person? That's what the question is meant to infer. Are you a selfish person? I me reword it. Are you a good person? That's what the question is meant to infer. Are you a selfish person? I could reword it. Are you a person? Because I feel like everyone here is a real person. Right.

I assume. It is an interesting question. Well, there could be Martians here. This is a very Mars-heavy podcast. We are pro-Mars here. And I want to make sure the Spitwads know this is a pro-Mars podcast. Yeah, if you're from Mars, welcome. Thank you.

But $10 million is a ton. You could change the lives of everybody you know except for yourself. My wife could do so many awesome things with 10 million dollars that's the first loophole that comes to mind absolutely giving it away to my wife um the discrepancy of the money is so large i would legitimately take the 10 million and that's not trying i'm not trying to be this self selfless uh person but the difference between 10 million and 100 000 100 000 would be cool but the difference that that 10 million could make like my parents you know is like friends and family people that work hard

it'd be done absolutely they'd be totally get it let's find your limit let's play let's find the number 300 000 1 million dollars uh 1 million to you or a hundred ah wait 1 million to me or a hundred million it's still 10 10 million you can't move on both no i know otherwise it's the same you made the gap even bigger so 10 10 million dollars to someone else or 1 million to yourself you still giving away the $10? No way. You're not giving away the $100, Mike. The line's been drawn. A million, I'll go ahead and I'll take it.

Okay. I think I will. Of course you will. $500,000 or $10 million to others? I'll go with the $500. Okay, so this is really about, this is what the answer is. $100,000, not enough for me. Yes.

You give me an extra Lincoln in there. We're talking $100,005. You may have tipped the scales. $200, I'm still going the $10 million route. Oh, okay. So you really need the half a mil. The half a mil. The half a mil.

No, because $300,000 will do it. Wait, will $300,000 do it? Of course it'll do it. No. No? Uh-uh. Four? I think he wants a half. I think it's a million. The half a million. No, because 300 will do it. Wait, will 300 do it? Of course it'll do it. No. No? Uh-uh. Four? I think he wants a half.

I think it's a half. A half a million. Yeah, I'm a man of wonderful principles. So you can declare you're a half. Selfish for a price. Half a millionaire. I'll take $10,000. You give me $10,000, I'm fine.

Unlimited White Castle? Oh. Why are we using that voice? I don't know. I feel like you got to have a stupid voice to be a stupid person and take $10,000 for yourself instead of $10 million for others. I don't think that's why I do the voice. But I don't think of you as a stupid person.

Thank you. It was basically me wearing the glasses with the nose, the Groucho Marx. That was my disguise for my decision. Which was? The $100,000? Well, I have $100,000, so. So do I. Life's looking good.

I guess we'll just both give the $10 million to each other. Why didn't you do that, stupid? High five. It's too late. King of Mars can't accept cash. Only Mars dollars. All right, we're moving on that's a great question all right this one comes from an official spitwad over on patreon isaiah says if you are minding your own business and you overhear your kids plotting to throw an epic prank on your wife,

what do you do? Do you join in? Do you put a stop to it? Or do you pretend like you didn't hear and just let it happen? I set up the tripod is what I do. I know what Jason does. Actually, no. Do you join in or you just let it happen?

Oh, no. Do you join in or do you just let it happen? Oh, goodness. I see whatever nonsense prank the kids are doing and I add the gasoline to this prank and I say, all right, you can do better. You can do better. Let me teach you something. What if we take that bag of glitter and we make it a bag of dog dude? Exactly. You ever thought of that?

I mean, honestly, because here's the thing. I know my wife would do the same for me. Now, Mike, you're anti-prank. Yes. Now, where's... Which means that... No, no, no. Well, no.

I am anti-April Fool's Day lying. So is it all about the lie? Yes. So what if this prank was... So if this prank ventured into lying territory, you would intervene and protect your wife from it? Well, here's the problem. I believe that my wife would choose the side of either joining in

or just allowing it to happen. Oh. Insulfacto. You have to do that? I have to let it happen. I have to let the prank proceed. Because your wife wouldn't show you that level of... I don't want to squash the kids' dreams either.

I mean, they're working together. How hard is it to get your kids to work together? And if they have some master plan that involves, I don't know, a giant bucket of ice water dropping onto my wife's head. I think we're onto something here. Sorry. Parents, if you are having some sibling rivalry or sibling disagreements, take them aside and figure out how they can use teamwork to prank the other parent.

This is parenting 401 here. This is an advanced course in teaching your kids. So now I'm changing this situation or this great question to say, like, I'm instigating it, but then I will not participate. Ooh. I will say I will force them to prank my wife. Are you better using psychological warfare as, like, you know what would be funny? Oh, for sure. This isn't a direct order from Dad.

Oh, to see if they'll take the bait? Yes. Yeah, sure. That's where it'll start, unless they don't take the bait. In which case, I'm going to go, look what I just bought you. It's 10,000 marbles. Just imagine what you could do with 10,000 marbles. And then you put two copies of Home Alone in there.

Copy of Home Alone, a stack of bricks. Why do I have to keep watching this? A blowtorch. Just think, son. Think. One tarantula. Have either of you been the victim of a prank from your own kids? No.

See, I haven't really. They're all little pranks. They're like, you know, your dad eat this thing. And I'm like, no, go away. You don't stop talking to me. No, I get scared all the time by them because I scared them. We're all very jumpy, startly people, the Moore household. And I am absurdly startle-able. And my kids know this.

And so if I'm in the shower or something, they'll wait outside the bathroom door. In the shower? Well, they'll wait until they aren't monsters. They wait until I'm walking out or something. Because if they hear it stop, they know I'm about to leave. And then they'll be there to scare me. Now, scare them in the shower but i'm always petrified slipping yeah but i throw a banana peel into the shower that's what i do i don't hold back though like i still scare them when they're in the shower what is the monster when that happened have you

ever brought them to tears with a scare never Never tears, no. Laughter, joy. Our family gets it. They find laughter and joy in being terrified? They are the same as me. I hate it so much. I scream, I'm angry for about one full second. And then it completely switches to joy of my ridiculousness. Because usually when I'm scared, it sounds something like this. And that is not an exaggeration no that's that's pretty accurate so which is like the generic like printed template of a scared cartoon yes it's like that's not a real person that's only it's

like the person in the cartoon that has the over the top yes exactly and i get so angry at first because you made me do this i get angry i stay angry stupid thing but then i just have to laugh at myself because eventually the reverberations of my stupid yell come off the wall back into my ears and i go that's a buffoon i think i figured out why part of why my anger will will anger will hold on to a little bit longer. Because I don't feel I am allowed to scare them. There's different rules. Proportionally? Yes.

I can't do a full out, I'm hiding in the closet in the dark room, and I hit him with a jump scare. It would not be okay. It would not go well in my house but it would cry everyone else can do try and do jump scares to dad it's fine he's just he's you don't like the man the dub the double standard there yeah there's a problem there is a problem dad can handle it that's why you have to start punching your kids scaring and desensitizing your children to pranks at a very early age. I mean.

No. Newborns. Newborn jump scares. You're darn right. I got them good. I've seen what happens to the kids who grow up scared. No. Doing scares and doing pranks.

I've seen Bam Margera. I've seen Johnny Knoxville. I know what happens. I know what your life is later on yeah but they're not doing they're not scaring other people they're putting themselves in harm's way no they are doing terrible things to their parents their problem that's true like putting a live crocodile you're gonna come home and there's gonna be a live crocodile in your house it's tough because when the my real answer enjoy my real answer was i i will let them do it

and i will get i need a camera i want yes to capture the moment i want to see that happen i need proof slash monetizable video content real thought real thought that happened for the gram honey that's right this was two nights ago i just couldn't stop myself so my wife goes out to the garage and i lock her out of course she sleeps out there right because well yeah i mean if you're gonna go outside and it's late at night i'm gonna lock you out i mean why is a funny goof um so it's it's kind of funny it's funny. I want to know what happened next. But all I could think about in my, all the only thing I could think about is if, so we've got like the, the nest, uh, lock the front door. So it's got the code.

And I was like, if I change that code quick enough and I put the doggy door in, if I go to bed, that was the thought. The thought was if i had cameras set up around the outside would she go in the doggy door what no i would lock it where she couldn't oh i thought you were just trying to bait her into using the doggy door she doesn't have her phone and all i could think about i mean i really am apparently a terrible person now granted i didn't do it but all i could think about was like i wanted to go what would happen what would you do if you're legit and i won't open all night i didn't do it but if i had cameras set up around

the house i would have been more inclined so to speak to your camera like it's i could have monetized the content right wife locked out climbs through glass sharded window she breaks husband in jail your wife those is pretty vicious oh my gosh she's so much worse than me i mean she told me a story i don't know if you want me to tell a story about i don't know the story the first time you got mad at her she told me you got you guys don't fight a lot yeah sure and she tells me this she says jason we had our first we had been married it was the first drag out kind of like real fight where he actually got angry. And he makes this angry face. And you know what Tiffany did is she burst out laughing and said he looked like a bunny rabbit.

His angry moment, his one moment of actually breaking through like, honey, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Makes the mean face your wife bursts out laughing at you stop the my skin no i'm not saying it's bad my skin would have left off my body because i would have just ignited that's what i mean like that is i'm only illustrating the viciousness like she does not leave a stone unturned to torture you this story regardless the story that i thought you were going to tell because it paints me in a much worse like we're we're uh doing something and you know i ended up whacking her with a little hairbrush this was not you know right on the wrist it was it i'm telling you it was such a little thing but she goes ah

and i was i was like oh what happened she's like i think you hurt my wrist and i was like no no no that couldn't have you know it was this little so she proceeds i so we go on she proceeds to text me that she thinks her wrist is broken she then goes to your wife andy who had a uh a wrist guard she goes over to her house, gets it. She's sending me pictures. Like a roller blade wrist guard? She would go to the doctor's office to send me a Google map. A little wrist splint.

Nothing was wrong with her wrist. It was totally 100% fine because it wasn't like, I'm not, there was no abuse here. It was like a little thing that she could play up to where she tried everything she could do to convince me that I broke her wrist. I remember that. Yeah.

I do remember that. Because this is just a marriage we have. Yes. So I think locking her out of the house is probably- It's totally appropriate. Just par for the course. Have you guys ever thought of a truce? I think that would take so much love out of our marriage.

Yeah. Okay. Well, enjoy your crocodile. Dude, because it only ends with a crocodile. When you said that, I'm drinking my yoo-hoo over here, and I started to laugh because I could see it happen. Yeah, but it won't be a crocodile. Oh, no. You know what it will be.

It will be a spider. La, la, la, la, la, la. It will be your tarantula. Owl. Owl. Yeah, Jason. We need to edit this part out because she listens to the podcast. Oh, my gosh.

Draft up my truce. This is draft up my truce. I'm literally nervous right now. I'm not talking about your wife. I'm talking about your kids. Your kids will hit the point where they are teenagers and they don't have the natural filter to go this is probably too far for my father no this and they've got the added youtube

monetization benefit i need your kids mainly your kids may make their living scaring you with spiders like that might be the channel make sure your children never have access to your car keys. It's the dad ranch. Oh, my gosh. My back is crawling right now. Hold on. Did I get? This is. Like the sun visor? That's an incredible spot for a spider to just be hiding. Holy moly.

You sleep in your bed. I am going to die young. I'm going to die young. Well, you're not young anymore. You're'm going to die young I'm going to die young Well you're not young anymore You're just going to die Wow I'm going to die I've never thought that the actions I have

Could have repercussions in the future He's really startled This is going to happen This is just win it's not if it's when i can't handle that like here lies jason here's what's in a bed of spiders here's what's insane and i don't know why this is real but it is i laughed at the idea of walking into my house and having a gator right that could kill me like that is so hysterical to me. This is a good gag. You got me.

But if I walked into the house and right on the middle of the floor is a tarantula, I couldn't handle it. I wouldn't know how to go on with life. Oh, my goodness. All right. We'll do one more great question, then we got our draft. Jason, skin's crawling. Christian from Patreon.

By the way, if you want Jason's Twitter handles, at Jason FFL. Oh, no. Come on. Oh, my goodness. I already get it enough. I didn't tell him to do a thing. I didn't say one word.

I just let him know your Twitter handle. we haven't told them to do anything we just want them to know at jason ffl on twitter if you could trade one of your five senses taste smell sight hearing or touch for a world-class skill or ability what sense would you exchange for what so you could give up for instance uh you could give up your smell to be the world's greatest pianist that's probably not the template of of choices that would be selected it all it all works and as as the men with the allergies and all of those things i'll trade that sense of smell. I barely have one. You don't really smell anyway.

So do you want to be a pianist, Mike? Maybe. Maybe. I have to think about what I want to do. Is there a world-class ability where... Because if you have that, that's all you do, right? You're the best operatic singer in the world. You're going to spend the next 40 years singing opera for traveling the globe is there something that

you want to do at a world-class level for the rest of your life that you wouldn't get burnt out doing that if you were the best like if you're the best comedian in the whole world that would be pretty you want a tour for like you know yeah i'll do it that's so that's one thing that checks the box right would you give up your sense of hearing no see here's the thing the laughs the sense i mean i don't think this is like if you could trade one of your five senses but they're that's that's not that's not a question it's could would you trade smell right because right i mean it does it does seem to the like it's the weakest sense well it seems. It does seem like the easiest. It's the weakest sense.

Well, it seems like the one that's the easiest that I wouldn't alter your life too much. Now, Jason, smell affects your taste. Those are interwoven. So you love tasting things. But it doesn't remove. It doesn't remove my taste. It mostly does. Almost all of it. So then you're giving up two scents?

Borland can confirm this. But if you take away your smell. Oh, actually, if I take away. We've talked about this, Jay. You've said if you could give up anything, you would like if you could get rid of your sense of taste you just eat vegetables you'd be eating salads oh my gosh yeah so i guess i was wrong about this the smell thing because so giving up my sense of taste would be important for the longevity of my life and then make your your your world-class skill and ability bodybuilding. So take away taste so you only eat vegetables.

I don't want to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger. I mean, nothing. Look, I mean, I want to look like him as he looks now when I'm that age. But like the whole huge... You don't want to be that big? You know the skill that I always thought? I thought like... I was surprised that it didn't happen.

But if someone, and this is a little silly, but if someone just got perfect at free throws in basketball, just 100% perfect, they could make infinity shots in a row. They can't miss a free throw. Like, if that was the only part of basketball you practiced where you just did it every single time, you could hit it every time. Shouldn't that person be in the NBA

as the 15th person on the bench that gets brought in in that one situation where you've got to hit a free throw? What's the one situation where you get to actually bring someone in and decide who's shooting the free throw? You inbound the ball. You bring in your free throw shooters. Oh, you're just talking about the end of the game?

Just the end of the game when you've got to lock down a couple free throws. Well, they have. I mean, this was my only chance. They have those guys because they make 95 out of 100. Well, they have the world record holder for free throws in a row, and it's this guy that looks like he's selling insurance. He's like 55, 65 years old. How many? I don't remember how many he made in a row and it's this guy that looks like he's selling insurance he's he's like 55 65 years old i don't remember how many he made in a row but he did all the math he perfected it he shoots

3 000 a day and he became the record holder and it was like so he doesn't miss like he makes i think he makes like 99 out of 100 or something like that he uh shoots 3 000 a day i mean he what he's got this world record You know how much that's worth? Nothing. Exactly. Go play golf. Oh, that's a terrible skill to trade my senses for. That nobody's going to sign me.

I think it was just growing up. I realized, like, it's my only shot because I wanted to be an NBA ball player. It would be really cool to be a world class. The best. Be Michael Jordan. Yes. Have that career. I don't need to smell stuff. Which sport would you pick if you

could be the best at any sport? I would pick basketball. It's probably basketball because there's five people on the court. And when you win a championship in basketball, it's because of you. If you're the best. I mean, you go down in history as the best because of it. Yep. I agree. Otherwise, I mean, Trent Dilfer has a Super Bowl ring.

So, all right, let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. Probably a good time to remind people that we have a fantasy football podcast. It's called The Fantasy Footballers. It's five days a week. You can subscribe and listen on Apple podcasts, wherever, uh,

pretty much anywhere you listen to podcasts and you can check out the fantasy footballers.com. If that's your, if you, if that's your jam and you didn't come here from the fantasy footballers, then it's good that people know that that's out there. I agree. I mean,

from what I've heard, a great show. Yeah. I didn't even trade any of my senses to be, to, to do that show. Um, what,'t even trade any of my senses to do that show. What are we drafting? Worst songs?

Apparently it's an anti-draft, so we are putting together a playlist for our worst enemy. Four songs. Often it's said, I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy, but today we are. I love you guys, but in my head, I'm making this for you guys.

Yeah, I'm trying to ruin your life. I'm ruining one of your drives. So, in theory, this playlist, what they have to, they have to just, like, listen to this forever. Yes. That's how I'm viewing it. And I've got the number one pick, right? Yes, you do. That is correct.

I feel like it, like, there's a bunch of different ways you could go but there's a 101 here really i think there's a 101 and so i'm okay to have it everybody's eyebrows back there going up nobody seems to agree that there's a 101 but i think there is i think there is but we'll find out if we all i would say is what's your pick look at this graph oh i'm going you're going with i'm going nickelback photograph i'm gonna say you want nickelback to be a part of this playlist 100 nickelback's gonna be on it yes that's a real song yes there are people that like it but you guys don't and everyone listening doesn't and it's it's a joke song now. And you're going to have to listen to that over and over and over. Just for the record, there was not a 101.

You've got a photograph at 101. Just for the record, Mike Hart Nickelback. All right. Sure. So that's your first pick. And you're right. There are a few directions that you could go. I'm staying inside the mindset of, you know,

anybody can listen to a bad song one time. I'm thinking I'm making this for my enemy. They are like, let's put it this way. Everything you do now that you listen to music during, you work out, you drive, you put the headphones on mic when you're flying. Instead of what you want to come out my playlist is coming out so the rest of your life you've got these four songs to listen to there are so many choices to make here i'm trying to make sure i pick one that you guys

might pick so i'm taking advantage of the second pick in the draft very smart um and because of the the the organic dislike of this genre combined with the song itself polka i'm going with achy breaky heart okay by billy ray it's on my list because it is a country song which some people if i just put four random country songs on your playlist you would be that would be the worst thing you've ever had happen to you so now you're combining it with with billy ray cyrus the fact this song was overplayed i remember being played during halftime of a monday night football game once before but this song took over the airways in a very bad way so i am putting achy breaky heart as my as my 101 very interesting because we were we've been thinking about the beginning of this draft very differently

and the song that i when i said i think there's a 101 it's it's gotten to you and it is it has dropped to me okay and you if you've ever been to disneyland okay yeah it's on my list you've experienced this song over and over and over yeah and unless it's the middle of the summer and you're escaping the heat you want to die and it's it's a small world sure it's like i'm getting ptsd just from andy singing it that thing on loop over and over and over. I feel like you guys are proving my point. That it's a delightful song to listen to, Mike, and I love it. Sure it is.

That's a great pick. That song is tough. All right. And I'm on the turn. Yeah. And perhaps this is recency bias. Perhaps this is just me as a father. I got too much of it but it was this the sweeping

sensation of the summer for at least my children i will take baby shark do do do do do so you're going you're going pure unadulterated annoying songs yeah annoying which is a fine direction to go because there's the other side of like like Photograph from Nickelback where you're like, this is a song that people want me to respect. And that's the – because there are those songs that are like that. So you've got – That was not Jason. We played the – That was the song.

So you took Baby Shark with the second pick. First pick, It's a small world hot start um man it's really difficult to uh to make a decision here i have a number of ones that i want to pick i'm just gonna go with a miserable song an absolute death sentence for your ears. Okay. And your eyes if you choose to watch the music video. I can't imagine being forced to listen to this song for a long period of time. Vanilla Ice wrote the song I Love You. Have you heard the song I Love You by Vanilla Ice?

Give us a couple bars. What? I love you. Was this on his first album? It's like the second most popular song that he has outside of Ice Ice Baby, which maybe I should have just picked that. If you had picked Ice Ice Baby, you would just lose automatically because that's my jam.

I Love You by Vanilla Ice is the choice. I can't believe that you haven't experienced this. You will not. This is the best pick that I could have made. And I know Having a Roadie. I can't believe that you haven't experienced this. You will not. This is the best pick that I could have made. And I know having a roadie. I don't know that song. Mike, right now it's important that you make yourself a note. Watch I Love You by

Vanilla Ice. Step one, Vanilla Ice. Step two, I Love You. Step three, Your Life Is Over. This is what's great is that his pick has forced us to actually follow through and listen to it. Borland, can you put together three YouTube playlists

using the Spitballers channel for these songs? Absolutely. And then you can release those to the wild. And it'll be kind of like one of those um uh like man versus wild endurance tests only or like a food challenge you just who listens to it as long as possible all right i'm gonna take uh clearly i could have let that one drop to the end of the draft that's my only regret i've never heard of it i don't regret the the pick but all right the timing wasn't great i've got two picks here i here. I've got a lot of options here.

I don't know it. I just sang it better. I'm going to go. I'm going to take one. So I've got some songs here that are more along the lines of what Mike was drafted in when he's trying to be just pure, unadulterated, annoying, not necessarily band hit. And so I'm going to go with one of those, of my two picks here.

I'm going to go with the Barney song. Oh, I was hoping it would sneak back. It was on my list. I Love You. I was hoping it would come back. You Love Me. Oof. And when that song plays continuously, it did not end well.

It will be the end of me. So that's one. I Love You, You Love Me by Barney, if that's the name of the song. It's on end well. It will be the end of me. So that's one. I Love You, You Love Me by Barney, if that's the name of the song. It's on my list. Something like that. And then the other one is pretty much, I think, universally agreed is the worst song of all time. I don't know if it was made to be the worst song of all time. I don't believe it was.

But she did lean into the horrificness uh that was the song friday oh by rebecca black that was that's right it wasn't meant to be that sounded like photograph the all right so you're going fr by Rebecca Black. Friday by Rebecca Black. All right, my list is dwindling. Those were on your list? Yep. Both of them? Yep.

Especially the Vanilla Ice song. I don't even remember which one you listed. It was I Love You. I just picked it in the wrong order. It had to be in the top four. But once you hear it, you'll understand. And you won't want to hear it again. I have a bunch that i want to go

with here uh i'm gonna go with macarena i can't i don't think you want to hear macarena no even one time yeah it's terrible that's a great pick so i'm going macarena all right that's my second pick right or third third pick that's your third pick. Yeah, Achy Breaky Heart, Vanilla Ice I Love You, and the Macarena. My affinity for the Christmas time is well documented. If you listen to our other show, you know that Jason and I, we both love Christmas so much that November 1st is a national holiday in the right household because our Christmas tree is going up. Because screw Thanksgiving, it's Christmas time.

But there's a song at Christmas that I, not only do I not like it, I loathe this song because frequently at a Christmas party, people think it's hilarious. because frequently at a Christmas party, people think it's hilarious. It's oh so funny. We'll divvy up all 12 parts of this song. Oh, seriously? That song is the worst. The 12 Days of Christmas?

The worst. No. Oh, and imagine that song. Is it because it takes so long? It takes forever, and it's the same melody line over and over and over and over. It's the worst. I'm not going to lie. It's a, it's a family tradition.

Yeah. Oh, you do that? You guys, you guys all take one of the, one of the lines from the song. Tiff's from a big family. So everyone gets a big song. Yeah. And it's, it's, it's a good time. Think of that on loop.

That'd be rough. I mean, pretty much listening to it once is the equivalent to having it on loop. Exactly. And that's one time. Man, I'm fine with it. You won't be. You have two picks, though, right? I do.

Now, it's tough because it's a song, but it's not a very long song. Don't take the one I want. I want to take the Meow Mix song. Okay. It's a jingle, but... I don't know about that. I didn't know. I would vote no for sure.

I will say this. It's not a song. It's not in the spirit of the playlist. I went to write it down. I saw that. Okay. And I was like, I went to write it down. And then I went, eh, it's not really a song.

Because I've got some that are on the fence. That one to me was a jingle. I'll allow oh no I'm a big no Andy's a no Borla's gonna have to decide I'm a no on that one the only reason I want to allow it is so that you don't accidentally take the song I want there's so many bad songs that I think you could pick something else right but I'm trying to build I'm trying to build a playlist that is lethal. Well, sure. And the Meow Mix song on repeat. But you should be able to do that with a real song. Well, I mean, I've done it with my first three songs already.

Oh, man. A song you've got to listen to on repeat. All right, I'll go with I'm Too Sexy. Yes. I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred. Okay. It is. I'm too sexy for my shirt.

That's a trick. That was a trick. That was a trap. Because the first time through, you're like, all right, I can get with this. This isn't too bad. It's terrible. But then you realize it's terrible. It's awful.

All right, Andy, leave me my pick. It's Wannabe by Spice Girls. I'm going Wannabe by Spice Girls. Joke's on you. I like that song. Joke's on you. You haven't listened to it lately. Like, I saw on some bad-

That's what you think. Spice Girls is currently- Spice up your life. All the people of the world- What was a couple of their other songs? I heard one of them recently on the 90s world. What was a couple of their other songs? I heard one of them recently on the 90s channel. What's the... It's like...

If you wanna be my lover. That's Wannabe. That's the one he listed. That's Wannabe. Yeah. Okay. That's a mad jam. There you go.

That's what I'm saying. I got no problem with that one. I have no problem with basically the collection of the Spice Girls. Well, Jason, you have one carved out. Yes. And you only have one pick left. Yes. I have some I want to throw out there for honorable mentions.

Throw them out because I've already got mine picked. Who Let the Dogs Out. That one is. I can't get down with that song. Mike loves these bands. She Bangs by Ricky Martin. That was bad. I also had.

She Bangs. La Vida Loca. Oh, La Vida Loca. That song's great. That is a banger. I've got Mbop by Hanson. I have it on my list. All Star by Smash Mouth.

I couldn't put Mbop on the list because we know that Andy actually likes the song. I wouldn't say I like the song. It was on my list. It's on your list? Yeah. I think our previous discussions were the fact that when that was out, I had that album. Yes. When Hanson was all the rage.

And then Smash Mouth, something by Smash Mouth needs to be in the list. Walking on the Sun's a banger. Yeah, see, so I didn't make. And then I also decided to throw in the Take My Breath Away from Top Gun. Oh, yeah. That song is also amazing. But if you had to listen to it forever. That's what I'm trying to think about.

I might be able to handle that one. All right. Because it's slow. You want to know what. I might be able to handle that one. All right. Because it's slow. You want to know what you wouldn't be able to. Borland, my four picks. We still don't have Jason's pick. Achy Breaky Heart. I know.

I Love You, Macarena, and Wannabe. Mike has It's a Small World, Baby Shark, 12 Days of Christmas, and I'm Too Sexy. And Jason has Photograph. He has I Love You, but this one's by Barney. I have it by Vanilla Ice. He has Friday by Rebecca Black, and he's got one pick left. Nobody's touched it, and the pick is... And it could be the 101.

It's that annoying. It's the worst song. Some might say it's the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Sure. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and now continue singing it forever. Yes. Lamb Chops was the originator of that, right? friend some people started singing and i don't know what it was that was originally lamb chops just because yes lamb chops was the the originator of that right shelly is sherry shelly whoever made

that show i had pbs guys i watched this thing so the song that doesn't end you're gonna be listening to that every day and you're gonna get out of your car and it's gonna be in your head and you're gonna hate yourself here's the trick though yourself and me. You submarine your entire draft. That's a terrible pick. And I'm living in the ocean and I love my submarine. If that playlist plays, it only gets through one time. That's fine. Because you're stuck on the fourth song forever, which makes the annoying factor of the first

three. Way worse. You never have to hear them. That's fine. Because if you're telling me that I could draft just this song on an infinite play loop, that is so much worse than having to listen to the other songs and having a little bit of breakup. I don't think they ever released the song that doesn't end to the Billboard Top 40. I don't think that one ever hit.

Maybe not, but there's plenty of videos on YouTube. You're good, Borland. Owl. You're good, Borland. Owl. You're good with that, Borland? Yep. All right. We'll get it out there. So without further ado.

What did we learn today? I learned that apparently if you make the dramatic, incredible, technologically never seen before journey all the way to Mars and you step foot on it, Mike still thinks you need to lick it to become the king. Yeah, because that's the rules with everything. So that's what I learned. I learned that that's a really, that rule is a solar system wide rule.

How do you think the land rush in America worked? It wasn't they put the stake in the ground. No, they're out there licking things. Is that why they all got sick and died? I think you need to maybe read more history books. Yeah, I don't think they l put the steak in the ground. No, they're out there licking things. Is that why they all got sick and died? Yes. I think you need to maybe read more history books. Yeah, I don't think they licked a lot of the ground. I like where my history level's at, and I'm going to stay put.

Also, I've learned it is only a matter of time until Jason's car is full of spiders. I was going to say, I learned that I die on Monday thanks to Andy sharing my Twitter handle. Jason FFL? That's the one. I will not be on Twitter this week. If you have some awesome spider pictures that I should see, I'm at FFHitman. And I'll forward those along. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. Hey, spit wads, don't forget to head over to spitballerspod.com. That's where you can become an official spit wad. You get access to the spit tank where you can send in priority questions you can listen to the entire archive all ad free we appreciate your support go to spitballerspod.com and become a spit wad today