Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 64: A Casket Full of Cheese & A Proposal Debate - Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 16, 2019

We have heard of ‘staying together for the kids’, but ‘staying together for the kidney’ is on a whole new level. Also on this episode, come along with us as we take a sneak peak at Jason’s funeral. Then, we debate when a public proposal is romantic or just plain cruel. We close this one down with a draft of our favorite Andys, Mikes, and Jasons! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!   Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's happening everybody have you been enjoying this show i have have you been listening to the spitballers and say i need to listen to every single one of these episodes well fantastic news you can our entire back catalog our archive of sensational hilarious moments it's all available for our supporters uh and you can find that and all the information to support the show spitballerspod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve?

It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Welcome in. Welcome into the show, the Spitballers Podcast, episode 64. Whoa. We've been doing this a while. We're getting up there. Not nearly. I mean, Mike and I have a 26-game foosball winning streak right now, but it's not 64, and you should be happy about that, Jason.

Oh, my gosh. Right, Borland? Why are we starting the show with a nightmare? Yeah, let's restart. I saw a review of... Okay. I saw a review of this show. I read it. I saw it with my eyeballs. I read it. And it said this person had a theory that because they hear us reference Al Borland

and Judge Giamatti, they said there's no way this show needs this many people to run it. So their theory was that they're all one person. Every exterior reference, when we talk about Papa Josh or we talk about Judge Giamatti or Al Borna, they're all the same person. We're just making it up like we have a whole staff. I like it. And it's actually just us.

Right. There's never been a producer. We're glancing off into nothingness on the YouTube channel. But no, we actually, we actually, they're separate people. We have two producers and Al Borland. He takes the reins on spitballers and judge Giamatti takes the reins on our footballers podcast, our fantasy football podcast. And then they both in here very often

for both shows and so al borland and jason and everybody else in our studio have been trying to defeat mike and i in foosball bringing it back to what's important here it's been a it's been a real nightmare yeah it's been not fun but why do you think your voice is going? That's like your perspective, man. Are you screaming into the pillow? Yeah, so here's the deal. Yes, Jason. If I may be so bold, Owl, to say that this studio where we have six or seven, eight people, depending on the part-time staff that's here, contains three great foosball players. Me, Mike, and who's the other one?

It's me. Oh, wow. Oh, you really were putting them on blast. Oh, my goodness. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wow. Now, hold up.

This is not breaking news. This this is here comes the bus driver have you ever like known something though internally and then chosen not to say it out loud because it just wouldn't wouldn't make everybody feel good absolutely absolutely and and yes i am putting everyone else here on blast you could say but i would argue that they would say the same thing owl owl any thought way in here any thoughts he's probably right that's what i'm talking about because if it was that attitude you have no chance that's all i'm saying it's been rough all right well thank you for joining us today. We have Would You Rather, a Situation Room,

and another draft on today's podcast. You can find us on Twitter at SpitballersPod. I encourage you to head over there. Give us your suggestions for the show, ideas for segments. We'll go ahead and get into it. you rather all right this one comes in from a patron named the ball hogs over at spitballers pod hello hogger of the balls yes here's the question that the ball hogs has for us mike it's a's a would you rather question, which is perfect because this segment is called Would You Rather. Would you rather be banned from rideshare and taxi services, Uber and Lyft and crazy taxi?

Whatever that third one is. Or banned from all food delivery services, so Postmates and Uber Eats and DoorDash and all the other ones. Well, I'm dead. I mean, this is like, would you like to have to rent a car when you travel or die of starvation? What would you like to do? What percentage of your meals right now are delivery services? You really spiraled into full delivery. Well, here's the deal.

Some of them are like we get these scratch meals that are delivered. That's still food delivery, right? That's true. It's not like the Postmates On Demand go pick it up from Taco Bell. They're healthy meals that are prepped. But then the other meals are oftentimes I'm just saying I can't go back to that old life which one the old life the taxi life the old life of the only thing you could get delivered to your house was pizza I'll give you

I'll give you an example you could get you could get Chinese food too. Like pizza and Chinese food were, I think, the OGs. So when I was a young lad, I would stay my summers in the high school age in Santa Monica. And while we were there, the lady I was living with, she had a drawer full of menus from all these restaurants around. And they all delivered. All of them. So you, I mean, it was unbelievable chinese food or all just everything pizza no no it was just like all these little delis and every shop they just delivered bike bicycles in that area you had this before it

was cool and it was amazing and then i'd come back to arizona it's like, if you want to order food. It's 220-4444. Exactly. There's pizza and nothing else. And now, now we can have anything we want. The world is our oyster. You can have oysters. Delivered. If I wanted, you're darn right I could.

Here's the thing, though. The world has been opened up. We can get almost anything delivered to us, any restaurant at any time. But you have like a 20 chance of actually getting what you order that's true and it's it's completely provider agnostic the amount of mistakes it doesn't matter who you are you all make mistakes the same way and it and they all stink yeah and like my my wife asks me every time like an order shows up, and I'm not joking. I'm not exaggerating with that 20%.

They're always wrong. You're like, our drinks didn't show up. A full meal didn't show up. This one is not the way that you ordered. Why do we keep doing this? Because it's so easy to do it. Because prioritizing laziness takes precedent. I just think I unlocked a secret, though.

What if every time you ordered from a food delivery service, you ordered double the order? You are just now catching on to what I've done for about a year. You order double? Look. And then if you get one wrong, if they both come right, you've got twice the good food. You put it away.

You eat it tomorrow. Look, last week, we got some Taco Bell late night. Not proud of it, but it happened. Oh, gosh. Here's how you order. Just telling us. Remember when you were like, I've been having these weird stomach problems? Well, okay.

From time to time, maybe it's not the best choice. But I want to educate the spitwads out there. best choice but I want to educate the spit wads out there here's how you if you're if you're hating yourself and you want to order taco bell late at night here's how you do it you pull up whatever food delivery service you want and as you scroll through this list just constantly tap add just constantly add Pay very little attention. And then you'll have like 24 items. And you don't even know what was wrong. It just shows up and it's a delightful treat.

That works for Taco Bell though because everything costs 25 cents at Taco Bell. But if you're ordering from an actual restaurant and they screw up the meal or they show up without the meal. Okay. Thank goodness I got three appetizers, Mike. You need to, for your own health, choose to be banned from the food delivery services in this question. Yes. I want to be banned.

I'll be banned from the ride share. I can rent a car. It'll be annoying. I don't travel enough to where that's going to kill me. I'd rather have the food service. Yeah. It comes up far more often that I'm using the food service. But when you're in that spot.

But when you go to New York, when you go to a densely populated city, you may find yourself just never traveling there again. That's true. But you may also have banned yourself from being kidnapped. You never know. All right, Stephen. The upside. From Instagram.

Would you rather take five shots of espresso right before bed every single night or be woken up by a bucket of ice water every single night? Every single day. Would you sleep during the day it's saying when you wake every morning when you wake up okay that's what you mean so you're not like getting a midnight wake up with the ice water and having to reset you're just woken up with the ice water in the morning it's your alarm clock give me that dude not falling asleep is the worst thing on earth yeah because it goes on and you enter a state of like woken delirium where you have thought about everything that you can think about in your entire existence. Like you're not sleeping with five shots of espresso before bed.

You're not. I feel like if you do that, like you're tired, you're ready for bed, you're down five shots of espresso. How long? You two gentlemen have been around me. How long does it take me to fall asleep? Not long, man. You could fall asleep in under a minute. I would say when it's time to go to bed, I do my work, and I do it fast. Probably because of this late-night Taco Bell.

Probably because of Taco Bell. But my point is, don't you think you could get to sleep before the caffeine's really coursing through your system sometimes you could not even if you did you you would you'd wake up see that's the most important part of this if you take that side of the equation you must pee before bedtime you must because otherwise you wake up for that midnight oh i gotta go to the bathroom you ain't never getting back that's that's not the hard part for me the hard part for me is if i do if i go with the shots of espresso i am gambling that i'm gonna be able to fall asleep

and if i lose that gamble you're gonna lose the gamble well but i'm not just losing the gamble i will be propelled into an anxiety attack yes of epic proportions shout out to my anxiety people out there yeah like what if i if i ever had five shots ever i like i would be a jittery mess who would like that the chicken little the sky is falling i would be proclaiming to everyone that my death is imminent. You would be playing World of Warcraft every night. Because I would concede I'm not going to sleep. I would be in the corner of the room in a ball, weeping. To circle back to the Taco Bell,

are you cool with For Whom the Bell Tolls at your funeral? Ooh, that's pretty good. Wait, by Metallica? Oh, it's going to say the poem or the song? Both. We'll do both we'll do a lot of little taco bell references at the funeral is that fine that's genius what if we bury you in a chalupa of a man what if like your coffin is a taco shell so long as it's covered in cheese everybody comes up and sprinkles a little bit. Not the dirt. They just sprinkle the cheese.

Ashes to ashes. Cheese to cheese. Even if you're in a casket. I think there's something funnier about you being in the casket and everybody takes just a little bit. It's an open casket and everybody walks up

just takes a little bit of cheese. And now to finalize it with the guacamole. Oh, man. I'm sorry. May he rest in cheese. Oh, yes. It was right there the whole time, fellas. Yes.

Rest in cheese. Oh, my gosh. All right. I think I could get used to the ice bucket of water. Oh, you'll never be used to it, but it's a far better option than a nightly panic attack. Yeah, Jason, you think you could survive the espresso? I drink a lot of energy drinks, and I can have a late-night coffee. I can have a coffee at 8 o'clock at night, no problem.

My wife can, too. Caffeine puts her to sleep. She's not a normal person. No, no, I've been meaning to tell you. Like I don't know. All right, Dan, an official spitwad has a would you rather question. Would you rather have to consume all of your food by blending it into a liquid and drinking it or consume all of your liquids by freezing it into cubes and then eating it?

Wow. So this seems obvious at first until you realize you need water to survive. That's just so much ice you'd be eating. Yeah, and I chew on ice probably far too much. I believe it's not the best thing to do for your teeth is chewing on ice. Correct. And it always seems like a good idea at the time

until you realize you've had too much ice to chew up and then all of your teeth just hurt immensely here's i mean let's let's put this into practice if i can eat all my normal foods but then i need to get a a drink i'm like cutting ice up and chewing on ice to get my sustenance it's going to take a long time but i can eat all these delicious foods you turn it the other way and and in that case you're not you're not changing the real and chewing on ice to get my sustenance. It's going to take a long time, but I can eat all these delicious foods. You turn it the other way, and in that case, you're not changing the real taste of anything, right?

The ice is still water. It takes longer to consume it, but it tastes about the same. You go the other way. If I have to blend all my food, I'm either only eating foods that taste good blended or I'm blending foods that are going to be gross and weird blended.

You better like soup and smoothies. Well, yeah, that's all you're going to get to have. Some mashed potatoes. I know that. That was like a good one? I mean, those would be delicious. No, they are. Drinking mashed potatoes.

I had my tonsils taken out at an advanced age and that is not a thing I recommend to anybody. He was 82. I'm only 35 now, but I was 82 at the time. No, I was like 25. An advanced age. Well, most kids get them out, numbskull. All right.

And I was four. I've never called you that. Really getting me grits. Never called you that before. You a whippersnapper? You want to give me a noogie? You know, I don't think you need to be on the show anymore. Yep, I'm out of here.

So, I just remember I got so tired of like drinking carnation instant breakfast. You can't eat anything. You're on a full liquid diet. But my favorite thing was mashed potatoes and gravy heated up in and i drink it out of a mug and it was awesome it was so good and it has to be i can buy it warm i mean hold on i can buy it good but it wasn't like blended yeah so so you're telling me total it was all liquid. This should not be a far mental reach for you. Mashed potatoes by themselves are a very soft food already.

Have you ever had KFC mashed potatoes? They're already blended. This is why I'm bringing it up. Because you can gum down some normal mashed potatoes. You don't really. So that's what I'm wanting to know. Were these really just blended up, liquefied? They were like drinking a smoothie or a coffee.

It was a warm. A potato smoothie. A potato smoothie. And it was delicious. A gravy shot. It was absolutely outstanding. I can get on board. I bet it's fine.

I'm sure it's delicious. Spiced potatoes and gravy. There's just some foods like meats. The idea of blending up a meat and drinking it is repulsive. Yeah, I mean, here's the thing. All these questions when it's like, would you rather have this food issue or some other thing? To me, it's always a question of, well, I'm not giving up my food.

However, if I had to, this would be so much better for me. Like, if I had to blend up and eat my food, I would lose weight. I would be in such great shape because I'd be just basically having. Yes. No, for sure. I'll say maybe because I would be drinking like five Jamba juices a day. So I would still be consuming about how healthy I would be. You know how diabetic you would be

yeah that's like 5 000 calories of sugar too or grams of sugar here's the interesting thing put yourself in the situation you're the guy out in the desert that has been you know walking seeing the mirages hasn't eaten or drink uh drink, and someone comes to save you, right? And normally you give that guy the big canteen of water and he can drink. Give that guy a bucket of ice, just like freshly frozen ice. How difficult would it be to get sat, you know, to quench a thirst with ice? Yeah, if you're really... If you're really thirsty.

Well, even just... Okay, so that's an extreme. You get up at night to have a drink of water, but instead you have to chew up some ice? That's an extreme example. But think about, like, we go to the gym. Oh, yeah. I know it doesn't seem possible. But I've got a trainer and, you know, drink a full, you know, large bottle.

Not like a bottled water, but like a big. Thermos. Sure. I feel like thermoses keep things water, but like a big thermos. Sure. I feel like thermoses keep things hot. Do you call a thermos also? A water? I don't think you generally keep. Like a hydro flask or whatever.

There you go. So of water. Got to be accurate here on the Spitballers podcast. That's what they called it back in the day. Make sure you fact check things there, Borland. So, you know, it's one of those things where it's like, I can't imagine between those reps when it's like, I can't imagine. Between those reps when it's like, okay, get a drink of water.

Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp. I mean, you can't quench a thirst with ice. Would you go the Popsicle route, like for all your water? Would you freeze it in like molds that you felt were better? Is that allowed? I think that'd be allowed. Yeah, it'd be allowed. There's no restrictions

on shape toss me one of them gatorade pops no i think i i mean if if i had to consume everything frozen i would want it already in chunks like ice cubes that i could chew up easier than one big block so none of us are licking a popsicle to get refreshment we're having to chew the ice no one ever has no uh yeah i'm gonna take the i'm i'm still going with that don't blend my food yeah i think i'm in that boat as well all right it's time for another segment the situation realm all right michael from twitter you're at a funeral here's your situation you're at a funeral everyone has just bowed their heads in a moment of silence for the long

departed. In this case, it's obviously Jason with the cheese. Covered in cheese. Covered in just cheese. And now we'll melt the cheese. He says, to your horror, you hear your ringtone, which is staying alive by

the Bee Gees. It goes off at full volume. Jason is deceased. There is a little cough button down there, Jason. No, no, no. The people want to hear this. You're getting over a little something, something. This is my normal voice. Taco Bell

treat. Staying alive by the Bee Gees. Goes off at full volume. What do you do next? Well, you turn it off. What kind of situation is that? Do you publicly apologize? No. Has anyone ever apologized? What? Yes. You say

sorry. When? At what point? Everyone's quiet in the entire place. They're all bowing their heads in a moment of reflection and you actually throw an oral like, I'm very sorry for that. I'm not standing up making a declaration, but... My bad!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No! No! No one has ever, ever apologized for the ringtone in a loud thing because the apology is a further disruption. I agree because no one knows it's you for sure they know it's someone near you if you turn it off on your own

maybe they'll believe it's the person next to you or do you just like turn to a random person and say no worries no you blame them oh you francis i love that song you just let it go and you just ignore it completely it's It's somewhere near you. Jason would have wanted it this way. But they don't know. And you're just looking around, like, trying to find the person whose phone is going off with darting eyes of just, who would, you know, you're just, you know, staring around. Just throwing this out there. Is there a more embarrassing song than this?

I mean, is there a song that could be playing that would... I mean, this one is bad because it's obviously staying alive at a funeral. There's irony that is not lost there. But I still think that there are worse... Something explicit. If it was, I like big butts and I cannot lie, it might be a little bit worse that would be worse oh double up oh yeah that's not good i mean gosh becky but the situation there's no undoing the situation you basically just have to find a way to move on and jason would have i would like to issue a formal apology for my

ringtone i would say oh sorry sorry and then I would turn it off. Oh, okay, very casual. Tyler from Twitter, you're on a Jumbotron at a sporting event on one knee proposing to your girlfriend. She doesn't do anything. She just walks away. You're still on the screen. What do you do next?

Did she see and hear you? Are we sure? I get the implication that she is. This is her reply to your proposal. Her reply is turning. She's turned and walked away. So I'm stuck on my knee. And the first thing that runs through my head is.

What is she about to do? Like, I'm thinking she's do like do like oh you think like a funny positive yes i'm waiting there for probably you have a lot of confidence far too long so then you're just so now it's like that's more embarrassing by the way it's only embarrassing if she she's not doing something positive which i'm gonna guess here she's not doing something positive, which I'm going to guess here she's not. But can you imagine like 12, 13, 14 seconds later, you're just on your knee waiting for her to come back, and you're realizing, well, she's not coming back. This is why I would realize that earlier than you,

and I would try to play it off by moving one down the line. I would propose to the next girl. Not bad. The next girl, it would look like a gag, and then she'd say no, and I'd just keep going until I got off the jumbotron. What if one says yes? Then, hey, backup plan. Figured it out.

I mean, it's not playing with the game of the rules, but this would not happen because the jumbotron proposals are the worst. Oh, you're not a fan. No, I am not a fan. You do not put people on the spot publicly like that. You don't... Even if you know it's a sure thing? Yes, even if you know it's a sure thing.

You're both big fans of the local sports team? No, that's beautiful. It's not beautiful. No, if you're in a relationship where you know she's waiting to be asked. There are plenty of relationships. If you know that this person is really into. Yes, she's wanting.

Okay, then it's perfectly fine. But if you don't know for sure that this is something that they've always wanted, you don't do it because you look like a jerk. I wonder if you could statistically analyze all the engagements that fall apart. If there's a very high percentage of ones that... It's like when people get married in Hawaii. Because people can't say no. We always joke about that.

You watch those impractical Joker shows. People, when they're put on the spot, they want to comply. Yeah. They just want to kind of go with the flow. They don't want to... No ruffle feathers. Yeah yeah so if you're in for a lot of people the panic attack of just being on the jumbotron you mix that with a proposal she just goes she just nods and says sure and then like two weeks later it's like that's why you don't call it at all now we've all seen the the jumbotron videos

where the proposal and she says no yes Yes. Just not like this situation, but she's like no and then runs away crying. And that's when your next move, if that happens, you're supposed to, I think, leap off the top deck. I think your job is to just... Whoa!

That got dark. Oh, yes! I mean, come on! If she says a verbal no, 60,000 people are staring at you. Your next step is to run and just fully. I can fly. Well, that's it for me.

Oh, man. And obviously, that's more of the closed caskets. Who do you feel worse for in that situation? The woman put on the spot in front of everybody. By far, the woman. Or the guy that's just been rejected and basically broken up with in front of everybody. He deserves it for trying to propose in a special way. I'm going to side with the person who was put on the spot in a horrifically.

It's far more embarrassing to be shocked with the question that you weren't expecting in front of 60,000 people. If it's a pure shock, that's a tough spot. That's way worse. What did you say, Al? I was going to chime in because I don't even know if Mike knows this, but I actually proposed to my wife by putting her on the spot in front of a bunch of people. Oh, wait.

I've seen that, right? You did it in front of a, like a, was it a theater performance? Yours was far different, Jeremy. I'm sorry, Al Borland. Yours was, we're talking about a very different thing. We're talking about being at a basketball game. Sure. Like this was, you incorporated.

Were you there, Mike? No, but I know the video he's talking about. Like you both love music. She said yes because she was on the spot and, you know, 10 years later she's still trying to figure out how to get out of it but okay no incorporating something that you both do together and you both love that's like knowing did she expect it no it was it was a surprise i staged a whole concert we were in a band together and i staged a whole concert the whole concert was staged that's beautiful so the whole night was secretly organized just for her? Yes. That's a beautiful thing.

Had you guys talked about engagement before that? No. That's taking a gamble. That's taking a big risk. I'm not sure. I think that Al Borland might be the person that you hate, Mike. I totally think according to everything Mike is saying,

he's not sure. She didn't know. She didn't know. Yeah, she didn't know. She's on the spot in front of other people. Maybe worse, friends and family. But it only matters if it's a basketball game, Andy. No. It's about basketball.

I mean, what's the difference? Fine, football, baseball. No, the sport has nothing to do with it. You think he's in the clear, though? Yes, 100%. So it's just the amount of people? The amount of people certainly factors into it. But this is even worse.

It's worse to be in front of friends and family and people you know than strangers. You feel far more. If the problem is feeling obligated to comply, you're going to feel more obligated in front of your friends and family than strangers. 100%. We had been dating for like seven or eight years at that time well wait hold on we're checking in with jason would you like to keep digging the hole seven or eight years seven or eight years that's a long time i don't understand what

hole i'm digging i'm winning this argument what oh yeah i'm on top of the world right now seven or eight years? That's taking a risk? It does help. The seven or eight argument helps. So where's the limit then? Mike, are you okay with the set? Okay, let's just test Mike's logic.

We're setting the time? Okay. No, seven or eight years at a basketball game. No. Is that okay? No, because the size goes bad. Why? There's no difference.

Because this is like an actual romantic thing where you know the person. Like, she loves music. She loves performing. She loves singing. But these people at the basketball games, they don't take their, like, you've never been at a basketball game before. Let's go for the first time. Like, they love basketball.

Yeah, I mean, it's. Those people, you can't have it both ways. Yeah. I certainly can't. The one that's romantic and the other is horrific. It's just have it both ways. Yeah. One isn't romantic and the other is horrific. It's just such an arbitrary line. Yeah. Yeah, I'm with you, Jay.

I think Mike and I are having a shovel battle with digging holes, and I haven't even started digging. All right, Kevin from Twitter. A while back. Okay, here's his situation. I forget. I can't just read these because it sounds like I'm saying this about you. Here's the situation.

A while back, your kidneys failed. When they did, your girlfriend was a match and gave you one of hers. Time has since passed, and you are no longer in love with her. What do you do? There's a lot of breaking up going on in this show today. What is happening? So this is like, look, once you give a kidney, that's a transaction that's over. That thing's done.

So now do you feel obligated to marry someone because they gave you a kidney? I feel sympathy for said girlfriend in this story, but this is why you don't give people your organs. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my my goodness wouldn't it be fine it's not like this is why i always say never donate finders keepers i mean the the reality is she's fine she's not out of anything right with like like when you donate a lobe of your lung no you're out something because if you have a if that kidney fails, you don't got your other kidney.

You don't have your own backup plan. Sure. No, that's the honest truth. Like if you don't have. Yeah, it's harder for your body to fix up the liquids you're drinking. Like you're at a loss. It's actually, I think, a very, I mean, I'm speaking from zero experience here. Doctor.

I've kept a very Mike-like full control of all my organs. They're all still with me. But. You don't have all your organs? No, I do. Oh, your tonsils are gone. Is that an organ? It's something.

Did you give it to somebody? No. Tonsil transplant. Somebody else wanted them. They were so nice. And I gave them up. But I know that generally it's a very intense process for both parties i mean if you choose to do that which mike would never do don't

get it don't get him wrong no no my point was i'm not staying with somebody just because they gave me an organ now what happens if you go for the breakup and they throw you the the organ guilt trip i say take it back oh yeah i'll get one of those machine laugh it on the counter yeah and you say i knew you were gonna say that i've been ready i'm out all right all right and what are you gonna say well i'm just i'm fascinated by this organ. You're looking up at how many kidneys you actually have, aren't you? No, I wanted to know, wait, what constitutes an organ? So I searched, how many organs do we have? And it says five.

But those are the vital organs. We have five vital organs. Because I'm like, isn't Adam's apple an organ? I don't know. I don't know. Well, part of this show is self-discovery, Jason. Adam's apple an organ i don't know i don't know if like well part of this show self discovery adam's apple is just like what's your what do you call things cartilage what about your gallbladder that's an organ yeah yeah what do you call things that have a purpose but aren't like you know what i'm saying like you mean like your appendix where it's not needed i think it's one of

those a non-vital i think it's like one of those, like a piano, but it's louder. Yeah, they have pipes. Yeah. Is that what you're thinking of? Yes, perfect. And if you give your girlfriend your organ, you can get that back on breakup. All right, I think we're done. I think we're going to do some drafting now.

The Spitballers Draft. All right, this one is a little different. We are drafting Andy's, Mike's, and Jason's. Is this correct? We are. Would you like to explain this, Al? It's very difficult. You're compiling a list of your favorite people named Andy, Mike, or Jason.

That's so stupid. Okay. Or Andrew, Michael, or Jason. So a team of, okay, all right, I got it. Mike, you get to pick first, you lucky old soul. Now, we're only doing three rounds. We're doing one Andy, one Mike, one Jason per team. All right.

I was hoping for six. And you can't draft anybody in this room. So you can't draft. Oh. I mean, because I would draft. That was my sleeper pick with my last pick. Was to draft yourself? Well, of course you would.

You think you're on the Truman Show, Jason. Look. You think you're the star. My favorite Jason is myself. Yeah, I have no doubt. Well, that's not true. Maybe my son. Now, what's interesting for this.

That you named after yourself. I think there is a clear 101 person to choose. Yes. But. But the other two names. Yep. Are like more difficult to find good value. Yes.

And the 101, like there are multiple great people with this name. Yes, totally. So I am very, very torn. So, Mike, you got the first pick. I got to just take the number one pick. I will take Michael Jordan. Yeah, that's the one on one. But, of course, that category.

There's plenty of Michaels and Mikes. There's plenty. You buffoons with your dumb names. No one has them. Yeah, I agree with that. My. My. All right. My name. My.

All right. Got him. When I look at these two names, I have more Jasons that I like than Andes that I like. I can agree with that. There's one standout Andy to me. Oh, thank you. Thank you. This was my problem. I guarantee it's the same one.

And while I was looking beforehand, I had the same thought of you. Michael Jordan is, of course, the first. But then I'm like, well, shoot. I don't... I think the person that I need to take the most is Andy

Sandberg. That is who I took, and that is who mike wrote down see it's funny because obviously fully subjective to pick your favorite andy mike and jason but that seems like so like historically unimportant of a name right because it's just like even michael jordan like he had his career and it's. And you can look back on it and say, like, that's a great pick. Andy Samberg's just a guy. Oh, yeah, 100%, except he's an awesome guy. He's freaking hilarious.

And your other options at famous Andys or Andrews, I'm very interested to see who's on your list for that name. I'll be picking it last, clearly, because you guys don't think you have solid andy's i thought that would also be solid draft strategy uh potentially you didn't take an andy so you'll have your turn i feel like i know his andy i'm gonna write it down okay uh so now i'm sitting here and i i'm in a weirder spot because you took a michael and then j, you took an Andy. Right. So, theoretically, I have to take a Jason.

You should be taking an Andy because you know we both need one. No, you don't. No, you took Andy. You dummy. That's right. That's also true. Proper draft strategy is... So, it's difficult. Now now you still need a michael

i need a michael i need a jason and so i there are lots of michaels to choose from but i want my pick so one of my two picks i'm actually gonna go with and there are tons of michaels to choose from there are yeah but i I'm going to take Marty McFly. Yep. I'm taking Michael J. Fox. He's on my list. He's on my list. Because I just, I'm looking down all these Michaels,

and they all have all these different achievements, but none of them warms my heart like Marty McFly. So Michael J. Fox, he gets the honor of being the number one pick and the Michael on my team, which means, Jason, you're going to get to pick your favorite Michael. Well, Jason, you're going to get to pick your favorite Michael. Well, actually, you're going to get another pick. Yes. Well, no.

I just mean when it comes to you, you'll get to pick your Michael of choice because we've both picked Michaels. Yes, which is why I will not take a Michael. Maybe you will, though, because you might forget what you've done since then. That is quite likely. So at this point, I don't think I want to take an Andy. I want to know, am I allowed to take Jason Voorhees? Yes.

Sure. So I will just go with. So fictional characters are allowed? Yeah. Sure. Yeah. So that's what I'm going with. I'm going with Jason Voorhees from Friday.

I'm going to throw it to the. As my Jason. Our official judge. I assume that they would be. I would assume they would not be. That's how I was leaning. Because it definitely opens a different, a whole new world if I can pick a fictional character. But see, I shouldn't be penalized for opening that world before you.

I should be rewarded for it. Look, it's a two-to-two vote right now. Well, no, there's no democracy here. The owl is in charge. The owl is above the three of us? Yes, he's the one. I was going to make the argument that it's two to two, but two of us are on camera, and one of us isn't.

Three of us are good at foosball, and one of us isn't. What do you rule, Owl Borland? Well, for that comment, I rule against using fictional characters. All right, you're back on the clock. I was going to give it to you. In all the murderous glory of Jason Voorhees. Well, great. Now I get to pick an actor instead.

And I get to pick one that drives fast. Jason Statham. That's a great pick. I'm just taking Jason Statham then because I don't get a murderer Jason Voorhees. And to be clear, they don't have to be actors. They could be musicians. They could be any famous historical figures. To be clear, they just can't be Jason Voorhees.

That's what he wants to make sure. They just need to be real people. Yeah. Got it. He's real to me. So. Fine. Oh.

I'm changing. What? Yeah. What? I'm still on the clock. I'm changing. We have never allowed that. You can take mine if you want.

I will allow it because of the confusion. This is. This is. Erroneous. Obnox the confusion. This is erroneous. Erroneous on all accounts. I'm building a roster of people I like. I will not win any votes. I'm taking Jason Alexander. I'm taking George. I accept your pivots.

I don't care. I'm taking George from Seinfeld. That's what I'm doing. I've got Michael J. Fox and I've got George from Seinfeld. Jason Alexander. I like what you're doing.'ve got Michael J Fox and I've got George from Seinfeld Jason Alexander final vote you scared me here because I feel like there's a clear one on one for Jason's

and it's Jason Bateman oh that's not where I was going I knew you'd go with another actor that is Jason Bateman is fantastic he's on my list he's fantastic I really wish we could mix things up with something other than just actors but we don't have a choice guys It's fine. Jason Bateman's fantastic. He's on my list. Jason Bateman is fantastic. He is.

He's definitely on the list. I really wish that we could mix things up with something other than just actors, but we don't have a choice, guys. As Al Borland said, only actors. I was wondering, so Michael's counted and Andrew's counted. Would Jay's have counted? Not now. Jay-Z?

No. As long as that stands for Jason, because it could be john there are there are mike jacob jingleheimer wait is no but you are a michael yes his name is sean cory carter so i wouldn't go with jay-z if you're going by the name mike it's because it's short for michael no there are mics that are named birth certificate mike that's true there are Mikes that are named birth certificate Mike. That's true. There are some. Everything is possible. There's some parents that got real cute with that.

They didn't want the flexibility of calling them by their name. All right. Jason went with two comedians, not surprised. Sure. Funny actors, whatever. Yeah. All right, Mike, you are back on the clock now. You have two more picks.

I do. You got to close it out. I guess I'm finalizing my team here. You could be right. Jason Bateman might have been the 101. He was the first Jason I thought of. But I'm going to get some beefcake on this team. I'm going to get a dream boat.

You know him as Aquaman. I will take Jason Momoa, and I will get the vote of many who find him dreamy. So your wife. I am getting my wife's vote. You know what's funny is Jason Momoa who plays I'm also getting my own vote.

Who plays in Game of Thrones. Cal Drogo. Doesn't speak. And that's the best attribute of him in that movie. I can't stand him. He is. I think he's an absolutely atrocious actor. He is an atrocious actor.

He was so good. I mean, don't get me wrong. He's buff and everything. Oh, he's fantastic looking. But he's the worst actor that I've ever seen recast over and over again, trying to turn him into like an action star. Charismatic action star sorry sorry to poop on your pick no no it was appropriate says well he gets he gets to close it out so he's got

michael jordan jason momoa yeah so now i have to find an andy or an andrew who is not andy sandberg i have a couple names on this list i don't think any of them have star power don't worry i went with um jason alexander so you're in good shape that's fair so i guess i'll just pick my favorite of the bunch you can burst through the wall like the kool-aid man he's on the list he's on my list that's who i was gonna be who are you talking about uh i'm not gonna select him but it it was Andy Reid. Oh, my gosh. Jason being a cruel and unusual person. I will take the man who has written many melodies.

A man with mittens. He probably wears mittens because who doesn't when it's cold? They call him Sweaty Hands Andy. Sweaty Hands. He was a friend of mine when I was 16, lived down the road. Sweaty Hands Andy. Sweaty Hands. He was a friend of mine when I was 16. Lived down the road. Sweaty Hands Andy it is. Sweaty Hands Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Okay. The musical genius. Yes. All right. He was on my list. He was on my list. But now. Because the list of Andys is so small.

There's some bad Andrews. Yes. Unfortunately. And there are some ones that I knew would get back to me at the last pick. So, Jason, you have to pick a Michael. I've got to get a Michael. A Mike or a Michael. I'm between two.

One is a great pick. One is a terrible pick. Ooh, I'd go terrible. And I think I might because coming into this draft, I thought, well, he can be my backup player if I miss the one-on-one. I missed the one-on-one I missed the one-on-one my backup plan is still there fully intact but it's a terrible pick or wait oh is this like is this a pick that's trying to trick people maybe kind of because of like a middle initial yes I

see right through you yes and I'm gonna do it it's it's not necessarily a bad pick because this dude's awesome he is fantastic look i wanted michael jordan i didn't get michael jordan for the wrong reason but i'm picking michael b jordan and i i want to be clear your three picks are the worst i've ever seen oh they're fantastic michael b jordan michael B. Jordan is awesome Okay he's fine Like an actor You passed on so many more impressive Mike The only other one that I said I was debating between a good pick

And a bad pick was Tyson Mike Tyson is the guy You could have gone Michael Phelps Eight gold medals Did you just poop on Michael Phelps Look his accomplishment I hate you, his accomplishment will never be matched. You could have gone Michael Bolton. That's a much better pick.

That would have been a good pick. Infinitely better. Hold on, hold on, hold on. We're the man. Andy, did you just say that Michael Bolton would have been an infinitely better pick than Michael B. Jordan? Yes. That's ridiculous. Michael Bolton would have been an infinitely better pick than Michael B. Jordan. Yes. That's ridiculous. Michael Bolton.

Who is that looking over your shoulder there, Andy? No! No! No! What have I done? You are a buffoon! What have I done? No!

No, no, no! Wait! It's over. Andy Griffith. I was not on the clock. You're not on the clock anymore. Michael Keaton. Michael Keaton.

Sorry. I love Michael Keaton. If you know our set, you would see Batman behind us, the undrafted Batman. I didn't think about Michael Keaton. Andy Griffith, the black and white sheriff of years ago. You may have been goaded into that pick, Jason. Well done. sheriff of years ago. You may have been goaded into that pick, Jason. Well done.

Mike's team, Michael Jordan, Jason Momoa, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Jason went Andy Sandberg, Jason Bateman, and Michael beat Jordan. I went Michael J. Fox, Jason Alexander, and Andy Griffith. I went Michael Keaton. And unfortunately, Andy Griffith is the best pick of the entire draft. Shout out to Andy Warhol.

He was my backup. Sure. What did we learn today? I learned that there are no real significant famous Jason's Andy's or really Michael's outside of a couple. Interesting draft. When I die, I will be

covered in cheese. Just one sprinkle at a time. Can you pick the cheese? What cheese would you prefer to be sprinkled on you? It would be a nice... What's your favorite cheese? Mexican cheese mix? Yep, a Mexican cheese mix, shredded cheese.

I'm a Colby man. Do you want just slices? Do you want us to lay slices on you? If you could just go hunk. Oh, you want hunk? Hunk of cheese, dude. When I was a kid, my favorite snack was a hunk of Colby cheese. Pre-cut or we just cut them on the spot?

I get the wheel. You can do that for you. Mike, did you learn anything whatsoever on today's Skateballers podcast? I learned that Jason has had a lot of internal problems and he's shocked by them despite ordering Taco Bell frequently late at night.

I think the late at night part's the real problem, because you eat that stuff and you lay down, Jay. It cements inside of you. All right. It will never leave me. Thank you for tuning in. If you want the back catalog, spitballerspod.com. We'll see you next time.

Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.