Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 65: Ballin’ With Beasts and Public Pooping - Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 23, 2019

We aren’t proud of all the potty humor in this episode, but we aren’t sorry for it either. After all, this is YOUR fault! On today’s episode, we have a couple great poop themed ‘Would You Rather’ questions. Once we flush those, we move on to some more refreshing inquiries during ‘That’s A Great Question!’. Learn a little bit more about the origins of the podcast before we owned our very own Al Borland. We push this episode over the goal line with a draft of animals for our football team. Yeah, it’s as dumb as it sounds. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!   Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, Spitwads, guess what? What? I think that you might want to make Al Borland really happy. And if you want to make Al Borland really happy, you go to SpitballersPod.com, you click on the Become a Spitwad button, and you become an official supporter of this podcast and you get access to all 65 shows

that we've ever come out with. I'm doing it right now. You heard it here first. There's a demon that is currently signing up for spitballerspod.com so head over there and check it out. What happens when

three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. See what do what

scuba do what we do what we want we do when we want, we do whatever we want, whenever we want, we're gonna do it. Jason is in a new... Are you medicated? I am a walking pharmacy, my friends. Now, Jason, before the show kicked off,

the man behind the levers, Owl Boardland, he checked in. He said, Jason, I know you've been under the weather. Are you sure that you want to handle the scat intro and you were you were very boisterous that it was not going to be a problem and it wasn't that was a problem this sounds like a problem yeah this is gonna be a problem all episode look if you or someone you know has em Emphysema. Black lung. Black lung or any of the diseases of the insides.

The respiratory system. Anywhere inside. Okay. You could come give me a smooch. I have all the medication coursing through my body. Now, from what I understand, last week you went down to the coal mine you did a full day's work while smoking kids kids do not smoke we don't recommend smoking i watched all of the canaries die around stayed there for days no wait i thought like they hired

you to be the canary well yeah but you, but- You're just like a giant- I just kept going. Giant man. Everybody else down there is gone. But I walked out and said, nice try. You can't kill me no matter who you are. It's going to be a very special episode of the show. Very phlegmy show. We're excited to be here with you.

We have Would You Rather on today's Spitballers. We have That's a Great Question. We have a very interesting draft. One that I cannot prepare for in any way, shape or form. So it's just gonna my genius will just come to me on the fly. Yeah, I've prepared my entire life

for this. Really? Yeah. Okay. Well, you can follow the show at Spitballers pod on twitter spitballerspod.com is the website appreciate everybody who is leaving us a beautiful review on apple podcast subscribing listening on the reg here's a review review asaurus regs this one comes in from The Mike That Reads. Mondays now rule five stars. If you told me that in my early 30s I would be waiting every Monday to listen to three men scat,

I would have called you a madman. Well, call me crazy because this podcast is an absolute banger. Banger. Boots the size of a continent, butt cheeks butt cheeks scissors and coffins filled with cheese i don't think it's unfair to say that this podcast is the single greatest thing in the currently cataloged universe keep it up fellas i didn't read the last yeah i was waiting for the last line. The Mike that reads, thank you so much for listening to the show, supporting the show, leaving the review. However, it was going great, but then we got to the end and he pulled the punch. You don't like that he left room for there to be something greater in this world than this podcast?

Catalogs universe. Yeah, there's a lot we don't know, Mike. There could be a podcast better than ours. Could feel like mike that's true the mic that reads could have taken the shot yeah that we're still like even if there are other things yeah but how dumb would he feel when the uncatalogued podcast comes we'll all be dead by then really yeah probably or we'll be computers we'll never die We're still thankful for the review though, right? Yeah, yeah. Thank you. Alright.

Would you rather? Alright, this one comes in from Reddit. Would you rather have the ability to see other people's farts? Oh no. Or smell other people's thoughts? What do thoughts smell other people's thoughts what do thoughts smell how do you smell a thought what you should uh let me tell you something let me tell you right now

you do not want to smell my thoughts i promise i wait you went from not knowing what a thought smells like to realizing your thoughts would be really smelly? All I know is that if you could smell my thoughts. I don't know if you know what you're saying right now, Jason. You're already dead. Because if I can smell your thoughts and it's bad, that would infer that you have a very dirty mind. Literally. Because dirty thoughts are going to smell bad.

They're going to stink. So you're interpreting it as the type of thought would be then translated to a smell, as opposed to you just need to think about things that smell. So you're saying if there is this. I thought maybe he thought about poop a lot. No, no. If he's thinking other things. I think what Mike is saying is.

It's unclean. If there is a, you know, like the Mom Weasley character, this wonderful, just bubbly, always taking care of it. Her thoughts probably smell like apple pies is what you're saying. Yeah, if you're having good thoughts, like, oh, I'm happy today, maybe it smells like, you know, clean mountain air. It's just a weird question i will

i will i will agree to our show andy if i i know but if you can smell other people's farts if you can see other people's farts i can visualize that that'd be great like a green stink coming out or something like that it would be fabulous well would it oh oh certainly oh yeah that'd be great because how long does it linger? It's a superpower. Purple like haze lingers around the buttocks and like, because everyone, we're all guilty of the sneak attack. You've all been in a situation where you got to, as Jason would do, spread them so he can go just, just leak the silent SBDd out and you didn't you just had no choice you you don't have a gas x around but if you could look that person in the eyes and say i know what

you just did i can see here's the thing it would be fabulous we have evidence of i mean just if you want to enjoy a little while go you know go to YouTube and look for farts on thermal cams. And you could see people. Now, I've been told. That's how I'm viewing this situation. I have been told by, do your kids watch Brain Child at all? No. I don't know.

I don't know what you're talking about, man. So it's a Netflix show. So imagine like a modern day Bill Nye. Like it's a science. Yeah, actually they do watch that. I remember it now. It's a great show. Like my kids are learning a ton of that.

And they were doing a whole segment on temperature and how you can see it. And they said that the old Tootski on the thermal said that's BS. No, that can't be BS. They said it's not hot enough to register. They've never seen my farts. Well, I've also. Oh, now the truth comes out. My farts are the hottest.

They are the hottest. I run hot. That means you're not eating well. I have seen. There's no way that all of these like I'm sure that there are some fake thermal fart videos but there are there are videos that there's no way I believe that those are fake. There's just the whole body posture getting caught on camera. I don't believe I choose to believe you can choose not to

believe. Thank you. That's fine. But the way that I think my thoughts are. How they smell. Stank. Is not because of just the content of my thoughts. Like, oh, I've got this dirty mind. Right. But like the process of my thoughts aren't a clean through line. You know what I mean?

Like my thoughts go through a car accident or two before coming out and so it's like the decay of the bodies is what you're smelling from my mind thoughts okay that makes sense what does a spider nightmare smell like oh that's a great question what would that smell like fear sulfur fear sulfur sulfur don't they they can you smell heat i don't know they say like they say animals can smell fear i mean so is that like like the pheromones i mean or would you is that kind of what it would turn into is you can smell that you just people are emitting things i don't think i would ever be able to smell a spider and know what i'm smelling you know there's no way it doesn't well the spider's not full of fear so that makes sense yeah the spiders fear nothing they're machines

they fear birds so i think they they're really not big fans of birds that's that's an excellent to answer this question i would love to have the superpower to see other people's farts. It's going to protect me. I'm going to get out the way. I know when someone's trying to sneak in here as silent but deadly, I'm out of here. I can accuse people when they should be accused, thinking they're going to get away with something. You can accuse when people aren't even in the wrong. Because now once you have proved to the world that you are the fart seal.

Oh, yeah. And they know that you know what you're talking about. Now you can just shame people whenever you feel like it. Regardless. Yeah. Which means I'm going to fart. And then I blame it on someone else. And they know I'm right.

It's the perfect excuse. Yeah. Sign me up. I can see everyone's farts josiah from patreon one of our spitwad supporters thank you would you rather have a personal chef masseuse or maid oh my word this is i mean like i really desperately want these three things yes but you can only have one holy moly that is tough uh so a personal chef that means I eat well I probably lose weight it's healthy you know home cooking is just healthy would you grow to resent that person

though and a personal chef you can make them cook whatever you want do you really think i think even if i ask for bad things they're better than when you go out to restaurants no yeah you're not going to do yourself any favor saying yeah bring me another tiramisu i'm glad it's homemade i'm going to be fine there you're not the line here you go hey give i want some baked mac and cheese and some crispy chicken. That's what you're going to say, first of all. And second of all, it's not going to be any healthier than ordering it at a restaurant other than fast food. My point is more like, okay, if I'm ordering tiramisu all the time, yes, that's not good. You told me a story about ordering.

The only time in your life you've ever had unlimited food at your disposal. You ordered 12 to 14 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches oh so good on that cruise because you had all you having all power of food creation i'm just saying it's dangerous this is why cruises are the best because you don't pay for food room service is free like hello it's midnight i'd like 12 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And you did that. You're darn right I did, and I'm proud of it. Did they say, well, this is the first?

They wouldn't look me in the eyes or speak to me, so I have no idea. But my point is, if I say I want a burger, I'm going to get a healthier burger made from a personal home chef than if I order a burger from a restaurant. Like, I assume they're going to they're getting good quality meat. The buns aren't just manufactured at the lowest possible price to, you know, for the restaurant's profits. That's what I'm talking like. The ingredients are better. You disagree. I disagree a bit yeah yeah yep i i mean yes at the end of the day maybe you have a

slightly microscopically nutritionally better bacon burger but it's still going to be a bacon burger the masseuse you know how many hours a day can you get a massage i mean that's the real question there uh minimum two right so no i'm, I'm saying that's saying I'm going to lose time because I will avail myself of a minimum of two hours. That is losing nothing. You are gaining. But like the personal chef and the maid, you're technically gaining hours. You're never cooking food.

That's fair. And with the maid, you're never cleaning. Yes. With the masseuse, you're losing. The masseuse, you're gaining the feeling of a massage, but if it's at your disposal, do those two hours turn into three hours? Turn into five hours? Are you no longer a useful functional part of it?

Do you start getting sick of it? Like, look, look, I know I see your eyebrows furrowing. I love a professional massage. Love it. The best thing in the world but if if I got two hours of massage every single day and I'm a busy man I got life to live and then it's like oh man I gotta fit in this massage would I start getting sick of the massage maybe it's maybe it's three weeks maybe it's three months but eventually it's like once it's regular like i'm not gonna get sick of

all oh man all my laundry's always done dang it so you're telling me 9 p.m rolls around you're like ah time for a massage before i go to sleep you're gonna get sick of that no late at night and that's just one of the options because there are also the other hours in the day to get a massage i'm ocd enough to where i think a maid working full-time and keeping things perfect it might be my pick i think that might end up being the pick it's very selfless to like i feel like as is the father of your house, like taking a chef or a maid, it helps the entire house. The masseuse, if it's only for me, I am. I'm helping no one. That's where the guilt.

If you have a personal masseuse and it's just yours. Yeah. But they they like they work out the guilt like knots in your back. Yeah. Honey, honey, go ahead and I'll see you in a couple hours the masseuse would work for everyone right the maid's not just like cleaning my stuff so the masseuse wouldn't be just no i think it's personal yeah it's not fair to be like it's a personal chef or a personal maid or a personal masseuse okay so this maid only does my laundry no no but it's your house

it's yours it's your house your It's your house, your laundry. Whereas, like... Well, I will give some of my personal masseuse time to my wife. Sure, you could do that. All right. But on that day, you don't get a massage. Well, I'm asking for four hours of massage that day. Two hours of my massage time goes to my wife.

I'm taking the masseuse. Final answer. I'm all selfish here. Give me the masseuse. We're both on the masseuse. I'll take the maid. All right, the Lizard King wrote in from the website. Would you rather have

to scream, I'm going poopy at the top of your lungs every time you poop, or have to congratulate and shake hands with everyone else as soon as they've completed their number two? As soon as they've completed? I think First of all, this is

two-thirds of the would you rathers are poop or fart related borland what's on your mind my man i'm telling you are your thoughts smelling a little bit worse than ours today more than two-thirds of the the people that write into this show are suggesting poopy look i'm drinking i try to these are the big would you rather questions i'm drinking you can't just keep it to. That's what's great about that is we've always, you know, had a little bit of self-consciousness of like, do we, do we delve into the poop jokes a little bit too much on this show? Apparently not. There's not enough.

This is what the people want. So we will, we will go ahead and assume for this case that you're shaking hands with them once they've exited the restroom. But you're there to congratulate them with a firm handshake? Post-hand wash. Yeah. Yes. This is not me at the stall.

We don't know that everybody washes their hands after they poop. This is when they leave the restroom. That's a good point. That's a good point. So I don't know if they're clean or not. Clearly, Mike is obsessed with the germ factor of this question. Yeah, well. Because I'm thinking more about, you you know that was the first thought that came through my head too you have to shake hands with someone right after they're done pooping it's like oh yeah you can't

wash your hands after that situation no that's fair but now i'm saying i've got to wash my hands after every time anybody poops well after you congratulated them look i don't do a lot of public pooping i i'm embarrassed to say so maybe some I don't do a lot of public pooping. I'm embarrassed to say so. Maybe some of you are more proud of your public pooping record. I don't do a lot of public pooping. Therefore, me yelling around my house, I'm going poopy as loud as I can, really doesn't concern me at all unless we had a guest,

in which case that would be a problem. If I could never public poop. I have to go to the bathroom that's very far away from everyone. Right. I would love that. I hate public pooping. Nobody enjoys it. Talking about P squared?

Nobody. It's the worst. I don't know who's been there. This seat is warm. Oh, no. There's no Charmin Ultra Soft, it's the only acceptable toilet not a sponsor one ply could be charmin reach out you know mike and i were caught in a real public pooping situation once oh my goodness we were and it was a big restroom and we both knew what each other

had to take care of no and we were like well you're telling me you both had to go number two yes the same public there was no one else in the restroom this is a bonding moment there was no one else in there and i believe we were in stalls as far apart from each other as they could be but there was only two but there was there yes there was no that here's what you're not remembering i'm certainly not remembering all of it in my mind i've distanced myself where was this this was on the road man one of our hotel so we go in and the way that these bathrooms are positioned it seems like okay this is it's going to be okay you're it's it's strange but look everyone when you got to go you got to go and you seem like you're positioned far enough away oh man and so it's the one the one regular stall

and then the the larger handicapable stall. Except the handicapable stall has positioned their toilet right next to the other stall. Oh, no. And this was, I don't remember. I remember now. You played music, didn't you? I don't remember what was going on with this bathroom. Like if there was just no insulation or whatever. But the acoustics in this bathroom, it was an opera house.

You could have put a maestro in there. Masterful design. One fart would go a long way in that room. That's all we're saying. And so it was so awkward. Did you guys hold hands under the- We could have. Mike put music on his phone.

He started playing music. How have I not heard this story how did you not immediately come out i think we walked out of the restroom and never spoke of it again jason we have to tell you what just happened so in that situation if side by side i'm going poopy um i will go with the i'm going poopy one that will be my yeah i'm not shaking, I'm not shaking those hands. I will make it unanimous. Get your dirty, grubby hands away from me. That's a great question. You got to come up with a playlist, Mike, for those situations.

Like five or six songs. Emergency bathroom playlist? Yeah, with some very underlying themes. It's going to need a lot of low end. Yeah, with some very underlying themes. It's going to need a lot of low end. Yeah. Because there was a lot that day. Joseph from the website writes in,

Al Borland has decided to leave the podcast. Oh, no. Thank goodness. To focus on his true love, organic soap making. Well, I didn't know that about you, Al. Neither did I. Now the three of you must pick up the slack and do the show prep, social media, technical production work.

How will you split up the work and keep the show on the air and thriving? Oh, this is easy. This is super duper easy because we do this. We've done this. Yeah, we don't do this so much. That's true. We don't do this.

We've done this. What don't do this so much that's true we didn't we don't do this we've done this what people may not realize about a podcast is even though we've we we live our lives like we pay our mortgages from now the podcast or other one the fantasy footballers you you don't just get there overnight you can't just hire a full staff and say, oh, now we're in the bills because we're making a podcast. Yeah, we used to do it all. So this is what we had to do. I would make the show doc for the show. Yes. When we first started, I did all the show prep stuff. Mike, you're the audio engineer.

Yep. Mike would edit all of the audio each and every day right after we're done. And we have always treated these shows, in case you're curious, maybe this is a peering into our process. We haven't taken advantage of the podcasting universe where a lot of people go out and they turn on the microphone and they do this really long thing and then there's a ton of massive editing. we've treated it like it's a live show. Always. Have we ever stopped Borland, a spitballers podcast that you can remember?

No, I don't think so. 65 episodes. So we treat it like a live show, but Mike would go in and do audio editing. I would do all the video processing and video editing and we'd put it up and then we'd get started on the next day so you know social media it was kind of shared we all did social media stuff made graphics jason would do website i do the website itself jason would do the website posting oh you used to do the pictures oh that's right yeah they were beautiful and you would ask me from your claw office which was your closet office yep we took the door off the closet yeah put a desk in there and you would say hey do you like this picture or this picture and we'd look at it and we'd get it which was your closet office. Yep. We took the door off the closet. Yeah. Put a desk in there. And you would say, hey, do you like this picture or this picture?

Mm-hmm. And we'd look at it and we'd get it up for the new post. It's called crowdsourcing. And then we, no, it's not, actually. You were the crowd. I sourced you. Oh, okay. Got it. I was going to say, it's more like we did it as opposed to crowdsourcing.

But either way, eventually we became successful enough to hire somebody to do it at a much lower quality level but do all of it i mean now you have show docs that are just garbage mediocre well everything's like a lot of poop a lot of poop i assume everything we did was 10 out of 10 right right i of course i do so then what's half of that minus a little bit? It'd be four. Okay. So it's a four out of ten. So we get like four out of ten right now on everything, but we don't have to do it. But in fairness, a four out of ten for Owl is like an eight out of ten. Right.

Because he's playing with a different deck. Right. Exactly. Mike's just taking it all in. I didn't follow anything. Oh, really? Are you distracted over there? I was. So Akira has a question for us. Mike, are you distracted over there i was um so akira has

a question for us mike are you in on this one i'm back if you could erase your memory and watch a tv show or movie for the first time again what would it be so your first experience of going through something wow that's such a great question that is i mean you have twist movie endings right you can't see again you think of like the sixth sense right right not my answer spoiler alert there's a twist he's a dead man okay there it is the statute of limitation is passed on the six that doesn't necessitate a spoiling though well i spoiled it um erase your memory watch it again yeah for your first time see it's hard because there are there are shows like let's say you say the office okay erase your memory that's got such a long duration compared to a movie or even like a dramatic series like you know you if you can get

10 seasons of a sitcom 20 episodes a season you have to take a tv show over a movie like that there's no way you could be like trying to think over a movie like that there's no way you could be like trying to think of a movie like that blew your mind like braveheart the first time jay i mean but the rewatch ability is so good i don't i don't need to have my i mean you have dramatic series like breaking bad the first time through is amazing game of thrones so it's it's really hard for me to not say thrones oh but if they erase my memory and I go back and I watch Game of Thrones again, is it possible

that like your friends just tell you that the final season never existed and it was just like the show's done? How dare you? Now you're trying to fix

the situation. The final season is fine other than one problem. Let's digress. I think we have. I will go into, no, digress to the question, Jason. Okay'll get back we'll get him crowdsourcing and digression you don't know what words mean that's the problem i know what digress means no you don't it means to leave

the topic you're talking about no it means we had digressed to a different topic. Now you wanted to get back to the question. It's to digress from the distraction back to the main focus. That's not what digress means. It does. Leave the main subject temporarily. Oh, boom. Oh, boom. The main, to leave the main subject.

I believe that's what Jason was saying. Yes. We don't digress back to the main subject. Let me digress to this question here before I'm proven entirely wrong. So you're one for two. That's what Jason was saying. Yes. We don't digress back to the main subject. Let me digress to this question here before I'm proven entirely wrong. So you're one for two. That's fine. If you could erase your memory and watch a show, which one would it be? I think I'm just going to throw.

I think I would do. I think I'd go Seinfeld. That's a lot of episodes. 150 episodes. But if like, if you wipe your memory right now, it was so funny. Yes.

Oh, because of the aged was no, I just, that show looks so old, but you're wrong. I just talked to a young twenties couple that's going through it for the first time. And I tried to make excuses for the show.

Like season one, season two is a little dated and they're like no we didn't think that we thought it all lasted so i think it would work i haven't seen it interesting i am you i have my mind white wrong seinfeld so i could go watch it and see if it holds up you should do that come back to me when you're done this is a science experiment. What I want to say is... Why wouldn't you? Because it looks... It's a great show. It's too old. It's not, though.

I just told you it wasn't. He talks to one person. You don't think MASH is too old. Sure I do. MASH is too old. If you go back to the early Seinfelds, it looks super dated. Super dated. They definitely use phones with cords and things like that and just look how they're dressed yeah but that doesn't change the

humor of it no none of their jokes are dated is my point that none of the jokes in the show are dated the clothing is dated but the jokes aren't dated that's impressive because comedy changes comedy evolves you look at a movie that was funny just 20 years ago it's it's not funny anymore if they're if they're funny holds up that's impressive i would say battle star galactica it's the best show that's ever been made you've really dug in on that in recent years too like you feel like that's a badge of your honor like i don't feel like you thought this strongly five years ago when you actually finished it how have you not been to Comic-Con? Just fully cosplayed out. Or outer space.

I mean, just because I like one show. Yeah, but you like it so much. You don't just like it. But Comic-Con is not like a Battlestar Galactica conference. Okay, why haven't you been to a Galactica conference? It basically is. Galacticon. BSG forever.

Let's put it this way. The way you feel about battle scar galactica the people that you want to hang out with are at comic-con because they feel the same way you do my people i'm coming and how are you not a geeked out in uh adama gear you oh i'm the admiral yeah with this voice are you kidding it's not bad all right mike do you have a vote it's thrones all right robin from right, Mike, do you have a vote? It's Thrones. All right, Robin from Twitter. What is something that you have recently realized and are embarrassed you didn't realize earlier in life?

A.K.A. Now this. I'm not embarrassed by this. When did this happen now? Because I'm losing my. This officially happened on our Sirius XM radio show. Wheelbarrow Versus wheelbarrow So I was talking about a wheelbarrow

And someone Pointed out that they swear I said wheelbarrow And I said well Of course I did Because that's the word it's a wheelbarrow And then it's like No it's a wheelbarrow And I'm like's like, no, it's a wheelbarrow.

And I'm like, what's a barrow? I know what a barrel is. I barrel down the pavement with my wheelbarrow. Barreling down. And apparently, the word is wheelbarrow. And I'm not alone here. No, I was right there with you you the only big thing you're alone in is that it's not a real word it okay that's fair but but there were we took a poll

and there were other people mistaken almost 40 percent of people that did not know of your followers which we share a lot of the same followers. I'm not saying we don't, but I am saying it's a different proportion of people that think wheelbarrow is a word. Now, Al Borland and I have always understood the word to be what it is, wheelbarrow. Mike was in the category of wheelbarrow. But not the word digress. I was wrong there.

Okay, so Andy, what is something you have recently realized? Apparently digress. Okay. Is a good one. It's funny because apparently when people say that, then they must be admitting what they've done. Right. As they return, as opposed to coming back from it. And now I've learned something.

I've grown as a person. That's what we're here to do. Maybe at the end of the day, I will think Battlestar Galactica is the greatest show ever made. And then my life will be. Unlikely. end of the day i will think battlestar galactica is the greatest show ever made and then my life will unlikely what is something that you've realized recently that are embarrassed that you didn't realize earlier in life man this is a tough question that's a tough question off the top of your head yeah yeah because it's a moment that you you experience and then you move on it's almost a great question to be prepared for. Almost. Right? Yeah.

But who wants to do that? Well, we are prepared. The wheelbarrow. Yeah, that was a good answer. Yeah, that's true. I don't have anything. At a certain point, we're in our 30s. We're not really learning or realizing anything anymore.

Right, at all. So when did we stop? About 29 and 364 is the way through. Once you hit 30, you don't realize things anymore you just know what you know and i know yes you've accepted you're never going to become unafraid of spiders that is such a you could grow as a person and totally get over that phobia if you thought i could grow i do to get over a fear of spiders i do then you sir are an idiot okay i love your but see what if you realized it now and then were embarrassed you couldn't have realized that earlier in your

life like if you what if you found out today that you could you know overcome your fear you accepted the fact you could overcome your fear of spiders today and tomorrow you weren't afraid wouldn't the preceding 36 years feel stupid yes but i i have not heard of a surgery yet to help me over the surgery actually puts the spiders under the skin so that way it's your fear it's a face your fear situation where like you have to lay down yeah in a coffin nope right coffin full of spiders to be in the car because that's what they do on Fear Factor. Two straight shows. First coffin, he had cheese all over him. Second show, he's got spiders all over him.

We have a problem. Next show, it'll just be me. You guys want a draft? Yeah. What, you as the coffin? Just me in the coffin. Oh. Well, because we've beaten him down.

The Spitballers Draft. All right. We're drafting an animal football team, which we just learned. You are the quarterback. You get to draft one animal species that will fill out the core of your offensive position. So you need a wide receiver running back tight end and an offensive line. Jason, the rules are this.

You are the quarterback, so you're not drafting one. Oh, really? And land animals only. Yes. Okay. So you're playing quarterback. You need some people around you to help you out. You need to pick animals.

You can't pick ocean creatures, as I would probably accidentally do so what do you got with the first pick okay so jealous of your first pick yeah I know I'm so glad I get the 101 there's such a clear one on one here's what the 101 is going to be though I am going to draft an ape okay for wide receiver because I think the most important an ape for wide receiver. Because I think the most important thing in a wide receiver is having hands. So I think it's going to be very difficult for you two gentlemen to catch the ball without hands. So I am taking an ape for wide receiver.

Clearly someone has never seen air bud golden retriever or golden receiver yeah yeah no apology accepted my thank you you should draft the golden retriever maybe I will yeah he's got there is documented uh with my first selection in this very important draft Jasonason you took an ape i will select an elephant it will serve as my offensive line in this circumstance okay and um look i may have some issues throwing over it right because i'm the quarterback and my whole plan in my mind was to draft the giraffe to be the quarterback so he'd have a clear line of sight but you're not getting but instead you did the exact opposite correct he'd have a clear line of sight, but you're not getting through this elephant. But instead you did the exact opposite

where your quarterback has no line of sight and you make Kyler Murray look like a giant. No, no, no. Obviously, clearly, the elephant will kneel during the play. So you took an elephant as your O-line? Correct. Okay.

Well, great news. My one-on-one is still on the board, fellas. You really had one. I do. Because at the wide receiver position, I will take a cheetah. Yeah, it was in my mind. I will take the fastest land animal possible, and they will catch it with their mouth, no problem.

I've seen it done. All right. And then you voiced the second pick, Andy, because my tight end position is going to be a giraffe. That's what I wanted for my tight end. Very nice. I'm going with Jason's Yao Ming playing tight end strategy. Now I have speed, and I have also the tallest land animal.

Now, that is interesting, but you will not get the kind of downfield threat that you would want. A giraffe's got some speed. Yeah, he's got to get up to speed, doesn't he? Well, you know. And talk about, look, maybe you got him for one game, but those legs absorbing a hit. I'm coming back with a grizzly bear for my tight end.

I want a big old grizzly bear. My tight end doesn't block. I want to get some speed. Pure receiving tight end. My grizzly can block. My grizzly can body you in the end zone. It's kind of got hands. We'll call them pause in this case and we'll move down the line here. So I've got an elephant and a grizzly bear. Okay. Uh, this is, this is up to you. It's going well. This is going well. Okay. Doki. Uh, um, let's see here. So I don't need two picks. You still need lucky. You

still need an O-line a tight end and a running back. Well clearly I'm taking a rhino. Dang it for my O-line. I mean oh you took him for the wrong position you dummy. Oh shoot. It's too late. No it's not too late. It's too late. No it's's not too late. Yes, it's too late. No, that rule is dumb. You picked. Yep. You picked. That's fair. I am going to draft.

You've got a rhino on your O-line. That's fine. I can pivot here. I'm going to draft a hippopotamus for my running back. They're actually pretty fast. How about that? I'll tell you what's not fumbling. My hippopotamus has that ball secure in that mouth. You ain't never getting that. I'll tell you what's not fumbling. My hippopotamus has that ball secure

in that mouth. You ain't never getting that. How are you tackling my hippopotamus? What in the world could you ever tackle a hippo with? I wonder what kind of vision hippos have. Do they have the vision it takes that's necessary to

find a hole in the defensive line? They just have to be able to see straight and just they're just gonna keep walking and you can't tackle them this is a refrigerator perry situation all right so you've got an ape at wide receiver a rhino for your offensive line a hippo at running back i've got an elephant for my o-line a grizzly bear tied in and i'm gonna bring i'm gonna bring in a horse for my running back. Oh, that's a good pick. That's a good pick. So I'm going to go horse with running back,

which means that I have to figure out what? A wide receiver on the way back? That is correct. No problem. Hope he doesn't break a leg out there, that horse. Don't they put horses down when they break a leg? They do. This is not the sport for a horse.

No, that's very true. All right, at my running back position, I'm going to get some speed. I'm going to get some agility. I'm going to get an animal that could throw a fierce, a stiff arm. If need be, I'm going to take a kangaroo. I'm going to take that kangaroo. They will punch you in the face. They will also whip you with the tail. They also kick you in the face. They can do that as well. And then at offensive line, I just need some girth. So I'm going to take a moose. Good luck getting by those antlers. That's not bad. That's not bad. I'm protected. That's a nice cut block. You know, the moose can get the head down. We call it the cut in half block. Yes. That'd be painful. All right. I'm a little jealous of your wide receiver, Mike. I guess I'll finish it out with, uh, I will go with a it out with uh i will go with a gazelle but i'll go with a gazelle that was my second choice yeah oh for wide receiver yeah i mean i

feel like i want i want an animal that can at least compete with your cheetah for a little while uh i think your cheetah may get a little tired early in third quarter the cheetah yeah cheetahs cannot run at top speed for very long. That's one of the facts about a cheetah that you don't know, Mike. Just needs about 100 yards. So like there's a member. Didn't we just learn this last week? Didn't you bring up the fact that you could be. I don't recall this.

Oh, maybe my son taught me this. Never mind. That you can beat a cheetah in a marathon. Like a human can. Wait, were we drafting a marathon team? No, no, no. I was just saying. Okay, good. Because I'm drafting a marathon team no no no i was just saying okay good because i'm drafted a wide receiver he's fine all right my team i added the gazelle

this is a it's a good is a spectacular draft jason well for for my tight end my last position left i could take something like a polar bear but i feel like that's too similar to the grizzly yeah the bear's gone yeah exactly the bear's gone i'm just going like you might want a bigger tight end but i'm just taking the king man yeah that's a good pick i mean with this simba you're taking a lion i am taking the king of the jungle give me the lion at tight end and it doesn't even matter because all i need is the hippo running back. Just give him the ball. Wait a minute. Watch him go. We've all made a terrible mistake.

What did we forget? At the wide receiver position. Nobody took an eagle? How do you not take an eagle? Yes, I thought about it. How do you not take an eagle? Land animals only. Oh, was that a rule?

Yes. Oh, that's why. That's how we didn't take one. We're super smart. No, I didn't hear that earlier. I took the ape at wide receiver because I wanted the hands. And then immediately afterwards, I was like, shoot, a flying animal would have been. Well, I thought about going falcon to outspeed Mike.

But, I mean, it's a bird. It's not going to catch a football very well. What are you talking about? What, those talons? We needed the defensive side here. Yeah, the talons would probably get it taken care of. You would never be tackled. It would be a touchdown every play. I feelons? We needed the defensive side here. Yeah, the talons would probably get it taken care of. You would never be tackled. It would be a touchdown every play.

I feel like we did need the defensive side of this draft. Because it's like, who can stop my hippo? The only one would be my rhino, which I got both. It's over. Is it weird to take a rattlesnake as your defensive end? Yeah. As the D end? I would say 100%.

I mean, you just need one play. Yeah, and they can strike very far. As soon as that ball is snapped, a rattlesnake is going to be right there. Good luck with your backup quarterback. It's going right under the legs of your blocker. Thank you. I promise you after getting bit by a rattlesnake,

all of these animals can make their way to the end zone before dying. I promise. Maybe one time. That rattlesnakes that not calling my hippo. Not you. You're the quarterback because the second the ball is snapped the rattlesnake from the coil position will be at your throat. That's fine. A rattlesnake on my throat. I will still I will fumble the ball into my hippo's mouth. So you'll score one time. That's my point. It's a whole game all right we don't need

to draft the defense i think we can uh we can live with jason having an ape rhino hippo lion mike with the cheetah wide receiver giraffe tight end kangaroo running back moose o-line i've got the elephant o-line grizzly bear tight end horse running back gazelle wide receiver good luck in the polls, guys. What did we learn today? I learned that I've been somewhat misunderstanding, but possibly using correctly still on accident, the word digress. Ah, nice.

So thank you for teaching me, Jason. You're welcome. I learned that Mike and Andy have had a shared poop experience where they were poop pals. I'm going poopy. Our souls were intertwined as poop pals. Speaking of poop, I learned our audience can't get enough of it. They want more poop jokes. Well, we can supply what you want. Thanks for tuning in.

Listening to the show. We'll be back next Mondayay the spit poopers no see you next time goodbye thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast dot com