Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 66: Flying Cars, Floating Butts, & The Biggest Pet Peeves - Funny Spitballers Podcast

Episode Date: September 30, 2019

Do you know what we hate? Well, you’re going to find out on this episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast as we draft our biggest pet peeves. But before that, we debate some great ‘Would You Rather’ questions which have us hypothetically skinny dipping in public fountains, flying cars to work, and seeing everything 5 seconds after it happened. And, in a totally realistic scenario, we discuss which household appliances would be the scariest if they came to life. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, Spitwads, today's a great day. You want to know why? Because we want to hear from you. Would you rather questions, draft ideas, whatever it is, we want you to be part of this listener community. You can go to spitballerspod.com and learn how to become an official Spitwad. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations,

and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Let's get up and do that. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. That was a good one. Thanks, Mike. That was a good one.

It looks like Owl is giving that a 9 out of 10. Oh, take that. The do wow, wow, wow. The drop the wow at the end. Oh, man. I could tell I caught your interest at the end, Mike. Well, it started off and I was like, oh, here we go. Same old Andy of the skeet up and down up.

You have this syncopation that you go to. But then you took me to a whole new world, man. I was Jasmine. You were Aladdin. We went soaring through the sky. That's good to hear, Mike. Good to start episode 66 with a surprise scat. So welcome in the Spitballers, Andy, Mike, and Jason,

back with you at SpitballersPod on Twitter, SpitballersPod.com. Today we have Would You Rather? That's a great question. And we're drafting the biggest pet peeves oh the biggest the baddest and i didn't really know that until moments ago so i better figure out some pet peeves which i feel like that's a dangerous one it is because i often forget that this show uh is put in a public location yeah people hear it. I really have had many, many times.

My biggest pet peeve is when my wife. Or I say something like, when people do blank, but only my wife does it. I always forget. Like, I bring up stories on this show, and then someone in my family or friends will hear it and know I was talking about this person or that person. And you just say, no, of course I wasn't. Can I bring up, I'm going to bring up a pet peeve right now.

Oh gosh. It won't go drafted, but it's my biggest pet peeve right now. And that's the life of Afrin. Okay. Okay. Yes. People need to know about this. People need to understand.

Afrin, the nasal. Not a sponsor. People need to know about this. People need to understand. Afrin, the nasal- Not a sponsor. Certainly not a sponsor. Never will be a sponsor. If you are not familiar with Afrin, this is a juice. I believe it's Tears of the Devil. The Tears of the Devil are what is put- It's a nasal spray.

It's a nasal spray. Kids, don't drink it like juice. Don't drink it. Don't use it. I feel like it's more like devil's saliva it wouldn't be the tears around the office we devil's snot yeah sure that makes sense we refer to afrin as luciferin because when you're using this thing you're making a deal with the devil yeah i mean if your nose is clogged and you need to breathe, Afrin will 100% get you breathing.

Hey, buddy. But the next day. You want to breathe right now? You want to breathe right now? Oh, he comes a-calling. He comes a-calling and he says, now you will never breathe again. You got my one day. And I'm on day two right now.

So I could die this episode. During this episode. Imagine the views we'll get. If one of your pet peeves out there is nasally voices, then you are in big trouble today. I will say this, just to keep you accountable. You did purchase the Avrin you made the deal

I purchased a three pack and I think that was the problem it's everywhere it's in my medicine cabinet I got one in my bag I just got it on Amazon Mike I feel like we're the alcoholic friend that needs to go to the house and pour the bottles down the drain yeah just squirts

yeah well I ordered it through like... How long is it going to take you to go through a three-pack? It's going to be expired before you can even use it. 100%. I mean, I don't know how you could finish one Afrin. You know what I mean? Yes. Because that would be like 200 squirts.

200 deals with the devil. You're dead if you use it 20 times. Public service announcement. But you will breathe great. Only use it like once. You will breathe great the moment you use it. All right, let's get into Would You Rather. Would you rather?

Mr. Awesome writes in from Reddit. Would you rather have your vision be five seconds delayed or your hearing be five seconds delayed? Okay, so. I don't even know what delayed vision really means. As in. You couldn't walk anywhere. Yeah, that's. As in?

You couldn't walk anywhere. Yeah, that's... I feel like a five-second delayed vision is... It would be... Impossible to live. Your ability to function is further down than not seeing at all. Like, if you just close your eyes, you're going to function better. Well, technically... Because you're seeing wrong things.

Yes, in five seconds... Not if you're sitting still and looking at a sunset. But what about that bird that's flying at you? Oh, blam! Well, okay, hold on. You've been hit by a lot of birds, Jason? Are you a giant window? Yes.

I'm going to try to open this up for us a little bit, because I think all of us would instantly choose hearing, and then this question would be done and over with. Yes, thank you, Mr. Awesome. But the bird example, right? What difference does it make to me if I'm seeing a bird that flew across my view five seconds ago or a bird that flew across my view right now, apart from it hitting me in the face, Jason, what difference does it really make to my life?

So if you're sitting still you will function normally I mean you look at outer space right now you're looking at at you know a sun that's whatever eight minutes old or however oh you know what I'm saying I know exactly what you're saying you're looking into the past that's that's not but now moving around is the real problem like driving's not going to work. Now everything besides sitting still watching nature. Just don't have to go to the bathroom. If you got to get up and walk down the hall to that bathroom, you're hitting some things on the way there.

I mean, you think you're a place that you're not. It's real life lag. Well, and everybody else is moving in real time. So it's not like everybody else is lagging and you're just living in the past. It's not functional. But to your point, Mike, of blindness, like it's better than blindness. Yeah. You can't function with this.

Wait, wait, wait. Could you adjust? No. Like, could you adjust to the hearing thing? I think, Andy, you're saying that it's better than blindness. And Mike was saying it's worse than blindness. Right. And I was telling Mike, like, I think it is better than blindness. Because if you're blind, you're saying that it's better than blindness and Mike was saying it's worse than blindness. I was telling Mike, I think it is better

than blindness because if you're blind you cannot see. This situation you can at least, even if you close your eyes, even if you close your eyes for the majority of the time, at least when you're sitting still, you could open your eyes. You could watch a TV show or watch the sky.

How are you going to watch a television show when the audio is five seconds ahead of the visual? We have the technology to delay audio five seconds, Mike. Thank you very much. Probably not five. Wait, we don't have the technology. Only three seconds. I'm just saying the fix.

Maybe when we get the boot-sized continent, we can delay audio five full seconds, Mike. The function on your audio interface. You can buy something. You're going to have to invent it. All right, so we're all realizing that hearing we could adjust for. You have to. Terrible question, Mr. Ross. It would be annoying, but I mean, the amount of broken toes that I would have walking around.

You can't drive a car. You just walk slowly. One step. Wait five seconds to see where you ended up one more step all right jessica from instagram would you rather be forced to skinny dip for five minutes in a public fountain now here we go or jump in and steal every last coin and that will take about 30 minutes to pick up every coin in the fountain okay so one of these is short-term humiliation versus long-term number one if the po-po's around we're we're going to the who's cow because i'm i'm nude in public i'm breaking all

sorts of rules and as well as bringing what sentence did you just say i have no idea the bolder let me translate that if the po-po around, we're heading to the who's cow? You've never heard that word? What is the who's cow? The who's gal? It's jail. Spell the word you're saying. I can't even spell it. I just know the word. Who's gal? I will say this. I may have had a good scat today, but you are the coolest cat around, Mike. You want to know how I learned that word? Yes. My grandfather got put in jail. No. Family feud.

It was give slang words for prison. Wow. It is spelled H-O-O-S-E-G-O-W. Thank you. And the one slang word for prison that no one could get was who's gal. It was who's gal. And I said, what is a who's gal? But now it's in my vocabulary.

Well done. And let's throw the police situation out. Let's focus on a crowd. It's just humiliation. There is a crowd. Let's say this is a public fountain in the middle of a busy mall. Okay? So you're either going five seconds skinny.

Five minute. Five minute, not five seconds. Oh, no. This is it. Here's the deal. We got to add. Five minute. Five seconds to jump. That's not a skinny. That's a jump in is minutes. Here's the deal. We got to add. Five seconds to jump.

That's not a skinny. That's a jump in. Yeah, I'd be face down. Nobody look at me. I'm hideous. What is that floating butt? I might still go face down for five minutes. Don't think I'm dead.

All of the money in the fountain is widely known for charity. Oh yeah. This is for children's hospitals. Oh, you're adding that in. Yes, I'm adding that in. I was like, wait, this is a known fact that the malls give that away? There's no way they do. I think most of the time in my youth when I've thrown a penny or

a quarter into a fountain, I assume it's going to a good cause. You hope. Yeah, it's called the mall ownership. Well, nevertheless, you are one cheapo if you're spending 30 minutes picking that stuff out. Now, you're telling me you've never seen a quarter in the fountain? Never. You've never done that?

Never. Never once. Now, you are an arcade guy, so is that attached to it? I'm talking about the younger days. Like if you've got one more level to beat in the arcade behind you. Wow. You guys are great people. You've taken money from a fountain?

Of course I have. Wow. This isn't being a great person. This is just not wanting to get a fountain corner. Like, I don't want to reach into this dirty water. Wait, you thought it was like open grabbins no i didn't think it was open grabbins i was just like i can see a quarter i could have the quarter but i don't want to reach into this dirty fountain i'd rather take my clothes off jumping

look when we were growing up we grew up in the mall culture and there was often water features that were full of coins and there were video arcades in every single mall. So that's why you added in the like. Al Borland. Am I all by myself here? Yeah, you're on your own. All coins go to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. Now you're a monster.

If I do the one where I skinny dip, can I have a snorkel only? I'll allow it. I will 100% allow you to snorkel around a circle around the fountain. I'm trying to keep myself face down in this situation. I honestly think that I could find... I would be doing the 30-minute one because I would find some way. I would constantly be referencing that I'm mall staff, collecting for the mall, cleaning it up.

I'm collecting for St. Jude. I mean, if I've got to do this, I'm just, hey, we thank you for your donations. Does anybody else have any? I'm taking these now. Would anybody like to throw more coins in? You collect all the coins, and then one by one, you read the year off, and you're surprised every single time. Okay.

You're like, ooh, 1992. Oh, my. Ooh, a 92 Lincoln? Oh, what is this, a Nebraska quarter? I think that if you can sell the second one, it's obviously better than being naked in a public fountain for five minutes. Even if there's a sign up that says all money goes to saint jude and i'm in there and what if it's clear that you're homeless if i have to

proclaim you're there for yourself if i have to proclaim that i am taking this money i'm still collecting all the coins and taking the money because i'm embarrassed but at least i'm now 20 richer right i want you to have to be holding a metal detector that you're waving above the water and then picking up and then waving again. There's just something too inappropriate about skinny dipping in a pub. You know, it's like. Yeah, that's true. This is like you should go to jail.

Yeah, you should. You should. You should hit the who's gal. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Annabelle from Twitter. Would you rather live in a world with flying cars that you have to carefully pilot?

Yes, 100%. Or a fully autonomous world with fully autonomous street cars that let you sleep, read, work, et cetera, during your commute. Because the flying cars are amazing, but if you have to carefully pilot them, there is great risk. You are fully in charge. Now, you get to shortcut a lot. I mean. Are we saying like fly, fly, though? This isn't just a hover.

Right. No, this is fly. I can fly over the mountain. You've got. A mini plane. You've got a mini plane, and you can take it a straight line to anywhere. You've got to go to your work. You've got to go plane. You've got a mini plane, and you can take it a straight line to anywhere. You've got to go to your work. You've got to go to a friend's house.

You're not taking roads, and you've got to go to this light. Where we're going. You don't need roads. Thank you. So, man, this is really tough because both of these are dreams. Well, I've always said, like, I've always tried to picture what a world with regular flying cars are. And there's all these, you know, concept vehicles out now that can take off and land. They take off, they spread their wings, then they fly,

and then they move the wings in and land. They have some stuff like that in Dubai. People are flying these things around. But it's a zero-sum game. If I get into a fender bender in my car today, okay, let meico you're probably i'm probably okay now not that people don't die on the roads don't get me wrong but you are guaranteed of certain death if you get into a fender bender in the sky you're also right yeah which is different than a plane you're multiplying the probability of a of a crash if everybody's in the sky zipping around. That's true. Ejector Z.

Go. Don't drink and fly. That will be a whole new public campaign. That'd be terrible. So, on the other side. Jason really took that to heart. Well, I'm just saying. That would be terrible.

You know it would be a problem. And it was a, I mean. We got a hit to the chest. Oh, he's dying over there. Oh, I got some LaCroix in my nostrils. All right. Oh, LaCrosstrals. I don't even have nostrils at this point.

In my LaCrosstrals, yes. Jason wishes he could do it. They're cemented. I just have a nose piece. It looks like a nose, but does not function. Really? Tell me more. Here's the thing that is cool about this hypothetical

it one of these two things is not going to happen in our future and that's the flying cars right the autonomous cars that's that's going to happen i mean we're we're very close already by the end of the year tesla could be rolling out they're fully autonomous driving i mean right now you gotta like that's a map yeah okay let's be realistic though let's but five five ten years from now yeah ten years it's going back i'll give it 10 years maximum it's gonna happen for sure we're slow people i give it 20 years no 10 but anyway with you but flying cars won't happen there's too many regulations you can't write you know you you can't monitor the airspace the truth is it will have to be autonomous yes if all the flying vehicles are autonomous and they work together that's a world i can see happening is that an option could i choose both well no you can't

and i was going to say if it was a world where only i have a flying car i'm i'm a lot more comfortable with that world i can learn to pilot it it's also like learning to fly a plane i suppose you'd also be like the coolest i mean yeah that like you better have some security all your kids friends would be like dude his dad has a flying car that would be very valuable but this is a world with a lot of flying cars a world with autonomous street cars i guess you have to go i'm gonna go the the fearful route i'll take the autonomous street cars because i like i can play on my computer i can watch a tv show it's it's so much more practical yeah the autonomous car of well we got a road trip to california oh guess i'm going to take a snooze oh that would be so that would

be incredible but so would flying over just wherever you want to go. I hate that I'm going to take the autonomous cars. I hate it because I want the flying car. Autonomous car world. Let's tease this out a little bit because I want to know the implications. If the entire road system now is only autonomous vehicles, which mean that they're owned by nobody, they're just owned by the general public, This is the world I'm creating, right? They're just owned by the government.

The roads? Not the roads, the cars. Every car on the road is just available to you. They're all the same, right? Because that way you can have something near you at all times, right? I think I read something once that said if all of the cars on the road today were replaced by autonomous vehicles, you would need like one-third as many cars as long as they were coming, going, picking other people up, moving around.

So it's just there's a fleet. There's a fleet. Would that change? I mean, let's say you go on a family vacation. It's all built around road trips and stuff. Does this mean like me and the oldest boy can scoot like two hours early if we want to? Just grab a vehicle and then the wife can grab the next one? Yeah.

In this world of the fleet, yeah. The fleet, you fleet you can just go come leave whenever you want right it doesn't it does not matter where you live you live close to work you live far right it doesn't matter oh that's true you want to work in california live in arizona you could probably do it because whatever you're not wasting the six hours what if all your commutes are at night like let's say you want to work in another state and you're like honey i'm going Let's say you want to work in another state, and you're like, honey, I'm going to bed, but you go to bed in your car, and you wake up at your job in another state. And your drive time is going to be cut down because traffic jams are going to go way down. And you can go much faster because nobody's going to hit each other. Let's make this happen.

Let's build this world. Let's build some autonomous cars. Let's do it. Elon Musk, you're welcome on the podcast anytime. You can learn some things here. I would welcome a few of his notes for some of my plans if he wants to offer them to me. Your master plan of this podcast has been this moment to get Elon Musk to fund some of your business ideas. Let me tell you about Fleet X 5000.

All right, moving on. That's a great question. All right, Noah from the website has submitted a question. And according to Al Borland, it is great. And therefore, I am reading it and answering it here on the show today. How are you, Al? I'm well. How are you? I think you have made the entire transition to Al Borland.

Oh, 100%. I think we all agree you are Al. Someone drew like a fancy cartoon of him, and it was very, very nice. I don't remember who sent it. Otherwise, I would give you a shout out. It gives me such a better mental picture, too. It was incredible. I appreciate it.

Yeah. He's a nocturnal man. Why do Al seem so friendly? Because I don't think they are. No, they're carnivorous beasts. Yeah, they eat mice whole. But they seem wise. Is that all because of Mr. Rogers? I think it's more Harry Potter. Oh, that too. They're like so friendly.

Hedwig is an amazing friend. You can't have like an amazing eagle friend because it'll peck your eyes out. I am wise and friendly, so it's very appropriate. That's true. And it's because they always... You're a hoot and a half. Oh, you know how when you wear glasses, you appear smarter?

Yeah. Owls always look like they are wearing... They always have... Yeah, they look... No, they look like they're wearing big spectacles. Exactly. Because of the giant eyes. But you know firsthand, Jay, that doesn't always mean you're smarter.

Right. Yeah, because I got glass. Yeah, I see what you're saying. All right, Noah, here's his great question. What's the protocol for when you say goodbye to someone and then you run into them again a few minutes later? Oh, no. For example, you're leaving a venue and you say your goodbyes,

then decide to run to the restroom and run into that person again on the way out. Do you have to say goodbye all over again or do you ignore them completely? The usual move is the ignoring. Like when you say. Do you really? You do the ignore? He throws up the peace sign. It's not this exact situation.

But what everybody's experienced is you leave a restaurant, you assume you parked in different areas, you give hugs, you say goodbye, and then you both start walking down the road like the same direction for three aisles. And usually in those situations, it's just like we already said our goodbyes. So just kind of we're walking our way you're walking our way you know you just kind of ignore each other or do you strike back up the conversation a jigging of goodbye yeah i feel like i keep the conversation going you just go oh i guess it's not goodbye yet the key is to use the word again oh so mike you play it off more playfully

like well i'm gonna go eventually yeah i mean it's i would just say jason i'm so confused here by jason like the full ignore i'm the anti-social one it's so awkward and it's to me you're like oh hey again it's not a big deal to me either it's hi bye i walk faster no all you gotta do is say i said goodbye i gotta get out of here this is awkward yeah start sprint or be like oh i forgot my wallet back inside why are you walking like a penguin in this situation well i'm sitting down why don't you move your arms when you walk you waddle by on the second way i think it's very casual i think it's just like i guess i'm a liar goodbye again what a funny prediction but they want a protocol so i use the word again goodbye again and then i never speak to them because i've made that mark on them wouldn't you say hello again like that's what i said i said you

go oh hi hi again bye Fancy meeting you here. Oh, yes. Go with one of those. Oh, man. That's such a classy joke. Al, do you have problems with this situation? It doesn't really seem like a big deal to me. No.

All right. Kevin from Patreon. Which household appliance would you be most scared of coming alive? That's a great question. It's easy for me. Done deal. I don't have to think about it. It's the vacuum.

The vacuum was the first thing that came to my mind as well. Really? Especially because it's mobile. It's mobile. It's loud. It's loud. Not like the oven. It has a little bit of a...

It can eat you and start a fire? There's kind of a person shape to like a vacuum. And Al's laughing. It's kind of person shaped. And when I was a kid, my mom... It's funny the things you remember now. You know, you're sitting here thinking about it. She had this old Hoover vacuum, this big gray bag on it,

and it sat in the closet, and it was a little scary. There's a reason dogs don't like them. Yeah. They know something. They can come alive and suck the life out of you. So Jason's worried about the oven, the thing that's just stuck on the wall that you can get away from. It's just a hot mouth.

That's a hot mouth. You know when I can get away from it? It's just a, hi. Hi, Jay. I can get away from it? It's just hard. Hi, Jerry. I can get away from it. I'm not coming for you, but I'm hot. Before it comes alive. I would assume that once it comes to life, it can remove itself from the wall.

I guess it's not just talking to you. I'm a toaster. If one of your appliances could talk, what are you most afraid of? An oven? How's it going to walk? What kind of legs can an oven possibly have? Really short, stumpy turtle legs. We all know that.

I mean, I'm thinking of my vacuum. I don't know how this thing can move. I mean, it's got wheels. Yeah. Oh, I try. A vacuum's got the, it's got got wheels it's got the power of suction realistically it would just be help ovens do have feet oh yes that's right now i'm thinking of built-ins yeah no help me okay all right i can't move okay so now we're at i feel like

they come alive and come after you if these two things, if the vacuum and the oven got me cornered, okay, I would beat the tar out of that vacuum. I would be showing my karate skills. I would roundhouse kick this thing. You ain't never fought a Dyson. Oh, dude, the Dyson's got the skinniest body. I'm bringing that thing in half, no problem. It's a great piece of equipment, but it's a lousy fighter.

It makes up for its cyclone power. Oh, I would destroy that. But if that oven is in front of me going, Hi, Jason. I am freaked out. It's a gas oven, so there's flames on the top. Wait. I can't jump over the thing.

Okay, Grant, I'll give you that you could probably beat up a vacuum, but you're not freaked out that the vacuum's alive? I'm not saying I'm not freaked out, but if I got to choose one of those two, give me the vacuum to fight. I mean, the girth, the weight, the heat, the ability to... You don't think that vacuum's using that separate suction power to, the disconnected handle?

Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. vacuum's using that separate suction power to the disconnected handle oh no oh no it's giving me a hickey on my arm i mean this i'm not afraid it could tie you up if you could probably clear your nasal cavity right now i not impossible i took afrin yesterday there is no clearing i no longer have a nasal cavity if i laid the ground, if I laid on the ground and you took your Dyson vacuum and you vacuumed all over me, I might not like that. You'd have a lot of scratches. But if I lay on the ground, you put that oven on me and you turn it on and it does its worst.

I feel like an oven's going to be really slow. Wait, just to be clear, you're most afraid of the oven cooking something while you're underneath it? I was just giving most afraid of the oven cooking something while you're underneath it? I was just giving an example of the lacking power of a vacuum. Okay. I'm thinking of, what are you most scared of?

And I'm an ominous, here's what I'm saying. You're laying in bed at night. The lights are out. You can't really see much. Standing in the doorway is a vacuum. You see the light on the ground.

That's right. That would not scare me as much as, Hi, Jason, with the fiery eyes and the mouth of flames. Ow, ow. Are there any? We've really excluded all other possible appliances. There's only two appliances. I'm with Jason on this one.

Either an oven or a furnace. Those are frightening. I imagine that a... We live in Arizona. There's no such thing as a furnace. What's a microwave going to do? An iron could hurt you pretty good, but it's little. It would just slap you in the knee.

An iron. Oh, sure. And the microwave would be so threatening. A lot of radiation. But then you realize it can't run when it's open yeah like if you guys are afraid of the vacuum i feel like one of those stand i just feel like a vacuum is very mobile and very agile but if you and an oven would be slow and clunky but if you think that then a stand-up steamer is worse than the vacuum because they've got the same body

shape the same like wheels on the bottom but one is like can burn you and hurt you apparently i only care about being burned here yes in these these but i just feel like you would do very well with a vacuum sucking your face i would beat the tar out of this back i am gonna go beat up a vacuum you know what i am honestly we need to i'm going to vacuum your face for an hour give me a baseball bat we'll see which one wins. How do you get a bat? What? Where's the weapon come from?

Home protection. Give me a bat against the oven. I'm going to lose. What is my bat doing to my oven? Dented. Hey, James. All right. Kate from Twitter.

That was a very exhaustive examination there. Of two appliances. Of two appliances. Kate from Twitter. You've been kidnapped. All right. Kate from Twitter. That was a very exhaustive examination there. Of two appliances. Of two appliances. Kate from Twitter. You've been kidnapped. All right. Sounds ominous. Hopefully not by a vacuum.

Your kidnappers force you to keep tweeting to pretend everything's all right. What would you tweet to alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you're asking for help oh this is this is easy you really yeah let's say man these pickles are delicious oh so you're trying to say yes to let people know you're something's wrong if you saw that tweet come from my account you guys are like wow mike has been hacked. Something is wrong with his account. Send me your... It's not that I don't like this. Have you ever had a pickle before?

Yeah. Have you? Oh, they're delicious. Come on, Mike. They're terrible. They're not. They are the worst. So you don't like pickles.

You don't like tomatoes. We've got to pivot here just for a second. I truly believe that the reason you don't like those is because the range of outcomes between a good pickle and a bad pickle good tomato bad tomato vast are a bad tomato and a bad pickle are the most disgusting things on planet earth i'm totally on board but a great pickle is a masterpiece of culinary excellence it really is so anyways i would tweet out uh send me your funniest spider gifts yeah yeah that makes sense people be like oh that's not that's it people just say oh andy got his phone but how are people gonna really make the jump that you need

help they might think you need mental. They might think you need mental help. They might think somebody stole your phone. I was thinking we were going a more direct route. I could be like, here are some of my favorite places and then give the address to where I'm being kidnapped. So you're seeking out for... I was looking for some real active

help. And you don't think your kidnappers are going to be alerted by their address being posted to your what would you tweet all right how about this a lot of followers without the kidnappers knowing you're asking new strategy address new strategy what a night at the blockbuster on 59th the bell why am i being kidnapped at a blockbuster just an example example. I would tweet in all lowercase and then capitalize one letter and then spell out

help me. Oh, with the capital letters? Because the kidnapper would not see that. So I think... Well, I'm dead, okay? Yeah, I think for me... Keep tweeting. That way nobody knows that you're in trouble

how about just don't tweet hostess apple pies are overrated that's one of the things you would say I would have to say that send me your funniest spider gifs you think someone looking at these kidnappers they'd be cool with you tweeting that

the kidnapper wouldn't know if I do enough of those tweets someone's going to come for help. Well, that's an excellent point with your nonverbal cues. All right, that one's for you, too. Wow. That's for you, too. All right, we need to draft before Jason catches on. This diet's going well.

The Spitballers Draft Alright Larry from Twitter Hopefully Larry's okay On Twitter Tweet at us Larry Let us know you're fine Biggest pet peeves Biggest pet peeves

I have the first pick Al You do This is tough I thought I would go. Some things started popping into my head. And I think I'm going to go the ultra slow driver. Okay.

Because. It's a classic. Yeah, it's a classic. A standard. And it's really one that hits every couple weeks where we take this little about 20 minute drive. We all drive the same way to work there's this little mountain uh yes mountain pass shall we call it one lane one lane and i've been in this thing where there's a train now it's a train behind one car going 13 miles an

hour through the mountain pass safety first and when i say mountain pass i want to be clear it's not that really it's a hell not in danger it's a mountain it's a road over it's a road through a mountain and there's no there's no risk of falling there's no dangers it's got there's just there's just people that go wow i'm gonna this is a little curvy i'm gonna i'm gonna slow it down to about 12. So I think that when I'm really caught in that situation, because I don't want to be the jerk that goes flying by them somehow or breaking the rules of the road and going to the other lane or that type of thing. A mountain needs to rise at least 1,000 feet.

Do you think that's a mountain? I think that's a hill. I think it's a mountain. Those are mountains. I think it's a mountain i think that's a hill i think it's a mountain those are mountains i think it's close to it regardless yeah slow drivers anywhere the slow driver anywhere if you're caught sometimes you can evade but if you're caught behind one and you just have to endure it i'm old enough to be that impatient so i get slow drivers it's a good one it's a classic i am going to go with uh the term i believe that people use for this is vague booking oh vague booking that's so that's the people that jump on social media it really started gaining popularity on facebook where they would imply that something bad has happened today but they're only putting it on because they want the social,

the E-rep to build real strong. And so people jump on like, man, what's happening? Are you doing okay? And it's like, why are we doing this communication on the internet here? It's always like, not again, period. Yes. That's a vague book. Perfect example. It is. is not again i won't let

this happen to me negative passive aggressive yes social media posts the worst maybe they've been kidnapped maybe this is them trying to say if you come for help if you see me tweeting like that you know that something has gone wrong man oh well it's best for me i'm just gonna have to see what the future has in store after this yes after what if you want if you look if something's wrong call a friend like you don't need the the social backup get out of here i hate big booking is the worst big booking is a wonderful pick mike okay my first one is something that is so afferent is so easily correctable that i just want to say shame on all of you who have ever will ever or even accidentally do this wrong because i'm so sick of it. Oh, this is very vague. Upside down toilet paper rolls. Oh.

Toilet paper rolls. That's a fantastic pick. The roll needs to come on the top. Yes. Towards you. It's never under. Over. Under is so.

You guys changed my life with this. I don't know if it's for the better or worse. It's for the better. It's for the better. Because before I met you, I didn't care. I really didn't. I was so ignorant to this fact now because of you i have to have it over oh it has to be so am i better in ignorance where i don't care or am i better now that's you know what i mean well you could say that you're better than ignorance however there's a reason now that you are neurotic

just like jason and, about it being over. Because it's the right way to do it. Yeah, every time you go into a bathroom and it's under. I fix it. I just crap on the floor. Is this what you get? So that's my first pick for sure. He leaves a note, no toilet paper.

Yeah. Could it operate the toilet paper? Exactly. Couldn't operate the toilet paper. Exactly. Sorry. This is on you. So that's why I pooped on the floor and I just didn't flush. Right. When there's no toilet paper, you must poop on the floor because there's nothing else

he can do. Sorry. All right. All right. My next one is cheapskate thermostat operators is what we'll call them. You're throwing haymakers. I'm throwing them out. Yes, I'm with you.

Now, I wanted to say, we're in Arizona, so I wanted to say just people who leave their house too hot. They don't want to cool it to an appropriate temperature because it costs a lot of money. But I'm sure it's the opposite problem in other parts of the country where people don't want to heat their house up enough. It's like, look, there's certain things in life you got to buy generic of. There's certain things in life you need to cut out. You know, you might need to clip off some bills.

This is not the one where you're spending your time inside should be appropriately temperature controlled when i go to someone else's house and it's clearly four degrees more than it should be and everyone in there's got a little perspiration the beads everyone's hot, uncomfortable. Like, come on! It does blow my mind because it feels... Now, it can come across as pretentious, right? Like that you're saying, hey, you don't need to save money on this. Spend up.

But the thing is, it feels... Things are efficient now. The savings that you're actually getting for a month of suffering, I don't think it's very great. You can be smart about it, but if you have guests especially, that's where I'm like, okay, you as a guest, you are not worth 20 cents. Right. You are not worth 28 cents to me for this hour of cool weather.

I know some people that claim like, oh, no, I like my house at 79 degrees. That's what I prefer. Okay, whatever. Hold on. As I'm, no, I like my house at 79 degrees. That's what I prefer. Okay, whatever. Hold on. As I'm with you, I'm okay with this pick. But what is the appropriate temperature? Because this is where there could be a problem. Sure.

The appropriate temperature in Arizona is 74 degrees. That seems reasonable. That's so extreme. 74? No, no, no. 75. 75. No, 74 is perfect. That seems reasonable. That's so extreme. 74? No, no, no. 75. No, 74 is perfect.

74? 78 at a minimum. What? I've been in 80 houses, so 78 I can live. I can live with 78. I've had to live the 80 house before. Wait, was this your choice? Yeah. Like you made your own house 80?

Yes, I've done that before. You are the problem. like saying like, so it was just your choice. Yeah. Like you made your own house. 80. Yes. I've, you are the, you are the, did that little extra nest egg. You saved jettison the rest of your life to success. I got like five extra cheeseburgers that month. Okay.

Yeah. I'm not at 80 household anymore, but 74. It really depends on the house. I don't even put my house at 74 on the weekend. It's cheap time. When I sleep in 73. Yeah. I was going to say, when I'm warm.

What is happening? Al Borland, back me up here, buddy. We're 78, 79 all the time. Okay, see, 78 is fine. But it's not even money savings. That's just a comfortable temperature for us. Yeah, 78 is fine. Okay, all right.

I don't want to feel my toes. I'm going to come over for dinner at some point in the future. Spend some time with your wonderful family. If we get there and it's 78 degrees,'re out we're just turning around i do drop it when we have guests over good because you respect the more bodies equals more heat when i'm warm i go to 73 remember the uber driver that made me roll the window down yes yes yes i mean that's a bit of a distraction of the conversation but it's the same point i was in an uber it was real hot it was we weren't moving it's an uber you where you get tipped you asked to turn on the air i said can i turn the air on he said no need save need

to save money had me roll the window down in a stagnant, stinky area. He saved 12 cents on that gas and lost whatever tip. All right. So your two picks then. Give me your two. My two picks are the putting the toilet paper on the wrong way. Needs to go over. And the second one is people that are cheapskates with a thermostat that don't get their house comfortable.

For guests. For guests. Okay. I think those are great. I didn't realize how much i'd love this draft i like can't wait to be on the clock again yeah i've got a couple more up my sleeve yeah i have a few here that i that i like uh i'm gonna go so this this is i don't know how many of the listeners this will apply to because this one has become a problem since i am a now a parent and you're dead it's

nighttime you finally got the kids to go to sleep which is a feat among itself every single night you get it accomplished you sit down on the couch with the wife like i want to watch a movie and then you have incredibly inconsistent volume in the movie oh yeah and there's they cut to this real intense dialogue where for some reason they're done so you gotta crank it up so you gotta crank the volume up and the next scene is of course half of half of their home exploding and and now there's volume shock waves rattling down my hall hallways, and I'm freaking out. I'm grabbing the remote. So now I have to watch these movies at night with my remote in my hand.

The whole time. Constantly going up, constantly going down. Like, what are the audio mixers doing? Nobody tells you that about parenting, and that is a real struggle. That was the best thing about having a two-story house when I had one was I didn't have to do that quite as much because i could just crank it and not worry as much about it but that's true i thought you were gonna say here's a little uh asterix extra for the movie experience because

i'm not gonna make it an official thing but when whenever uh i don't know hypothetically a spouse of some sort is you get real ready oh you get real ready to watch the show or the movie. You finally turn off all the lights. You finally start. I'm tired. And then two minutes in, it's, oh, let me take my contacts out. Or five minutes in, it's like, let me make a pot of tea. You could have done all this in the preceding 30 minutes.

But you had already hit start. Oh, you were a couple minutes in. You're just starting to get the dialogue going. If you've ever been in a situation like that. Never. Is that your pick? No. No, he was just throwing that out.

So I'm on the clock now, right? And Mike, your two picks so far? I have vague booking and then inconsistent volumes in the movies. I don't know how you want to label that. So I'm just going. I have a few that I could pick, but I'm going to go with the one that just sticks out to me as laughable. It's somewhat comedic. It's mostly annoying.

It's entirely ridiculous. And it doesn't quite happen the same way it used to, but I'm going to go with the Bluetooth store talker. Okay. All right. The Bluetooth headset in the ear, the same way it used to but i'm gonna go with the bluetooth store talker okay all right the bluetooth headset in the ear the no regard for human life anywhere around you i've been in the car i've been in the coffee shop in the cinema and it's mostly somebody that's really they just want you to know they're important oh yeah it's normally a big loud conversation. No one's around them. They're

talking about money and walk. Yeah. Walking through the aisles or closing a deal or realtors or these type of thing. I just think it's obnoxious every time they come up near you. You turn around because someone is talking to you and haven't you said hello to one of those people once or twice. I've done that. I for sure have done that. Where you're either ignored because they're in a conversation, or you actually say hi thinking that they said something to you, and it's like oblivion. You're not even in the realm of, oh, I get two picks then, huh? Yeah, you do.

You're back up. Oh, okay. All right, this one is just petty. Let it just be real. It's the same side couples. Oh, yeah, same siders. It's the same siders. Get out of here with your same side.

What is happening? Okay, so you're with me. Oh, 100%. I have gone out to a date night and felt like I want to sit with my wife in the booth and we sit in the same side of the booth and I go, this is weird. You dabbled. I dabbled. I dabbled.

It was my college years. You experimented. And then I found out this is ridiculous. Because it is. You can't talk to each other. No, you is ridiculous. Because it is. You can't talk to each other. No, you can't. And it's just weird, man. And I've said it was petty because I thought maybe.

There's this level of adoration and love that is so great I've never experienced where I must sit next to you, side to side, not look at you in the eye, but just eat so close to you that I love you so much. But no, it's just – Al Borland shaking his head. Have you same-sided before? Probably in high school. Oh, man. Is there a TV on the other side of the booth?

I've same-sided one time with like a high school girlfriend because it just happened. And it's like, what do you do? Like a high school girlfriend because it just happened. And it's like, what do you do? Now, I've also been in the restaurant where you kind of have a weird round booth arrangement where if you sit across from each other, it's a vast distance. Oh, yeah. But if you, you know. You go 90 degree.

See, that's what I'm saying, man. You don't say, look, what is more. What are the same siders trying to prove? What is more intimate? You're going out foriders trying to prove? What is more intimate? You're going out for a nice romantic dinner. What is more intimate? Sitting next to someone so you're rubbing elbows and knees or looking them in the eyes while you're having a discussion instead of turning your head like a crane and leaving

with a neck ache. Andy, do you know what the same-siders are saying? What are they saying? They're saying we're waiting for people. That's what they're saying. brain and leaving with a neck ache andy do you know what the same siders are saying what are they saying they're saying we're waiting for people that's what they're saying they're saying oh no more people are going to be joining us that would make me happy please don't serve me yet because we're clearly waiting for someone to come sit on the other side of this booth if i was the waiter menus if i was the waiter i would i would intentionally shame those people i would assume that they have other people.

Just every time. And then if they say. Oh, you guys need more time? You still waiting for people? Still waiting for the other couple? No, no, no. We're it. But then who's going to be sitting here?

That's what I would do. So slow drivers, the Bluetooth headset store talk or whatever you want to say. The same side booth couples. And Mike, it's back to you all right i'm gonna go with repeating myself and especially when it's just it's you're saying something that just has it's so meaningless and you're just throwing something out for you like yeah i saw frank at the store huh oh i saw i saw frank at the store huh like if i if i get to the third one you don't like deaf people got it it's not that it's i mean

maybe some of it's on me i'm not speaking loud enough because what i'm saying is not really that important what's that but by the time i get to the third the the second repeat i was like hey was this worth it was this whole exchange i would not have entered into this if i knew i had to say it three times exactly i get it the energy that it takes like you you know the first time you're talking to someone you're giving good energy but then it's like wait oh you oh you didn't you missed that i have to i now i have to emulate my performance the third time is definitely where it's's not authentic. The third time you go, I'm out. This is a shark tank for those reasons.

But what's terrible about trying to get out then is when you've been asked multiple times, it seems way more important than it is. The repeating makes something trivial seem important. Yes. And then you're like, this is not this important. I'm giving up. Yes. And I do. And then they're not happy. Yeah. And then. I'm giving up. Yes, and I do.

And then they're not happy. Yeah, and then that's a whole other thing. Yeah, it's a whole other thing. I'm just trying to tell you that Frank went to the store. It's not important. I just wanted you to know I got you a napkin. That's it. All right, Jason, you get two picks.

All right. The first one is people that like chew with their mouth open to talk while they are have food in the mouth it's just like the messy eater i i don't care if they're messy or if no food ever spills out i don't want to hear what's inside of your mouth what when there's food in there and when you talk with your mouth full it's you you better be three you know what i mean like that's when my kids got to four is like when when that was outlawed so that's one and now my second one here is there ever an opportunity where it's appropriate just to clarify an emergency so like what so like what about like a football

you know you're eating your bowl of cereal and then all of a sudden someone's got a gun to your head that's it like guns don't shoot i mean i don't know when you can't just finish your that's what you turn to you just hold up the finger the one minute finger up to the assailant hold on hold on let me finish this. I'm chewing. Okay. I don't want to be rude. Okay.

So the last one, this is a complete not vote getter. The poll is done because this one, I don't know how many people out there hate this, but I hate it. Oh, it drives me up a wall. It's freaking 2019. It's not 1992 anymore. Way to date the podcast. I'm just saying, well, whatever. It's 2024.

It's 2028. It's not 1992 anymore. And when radio commercials or any kind of thing say, go to www.go backslash. My word is not a backslash. A backslash goes the other direction. This is a, it's a forward slash. It's,

you know, it's the fantasy footballers.com slash, but slash is acceptable. Slash is acceptable. You don't have to say the forward slash. You don't have to say forward slash. But slash is acceptable. Slash is acceptable. You don't have to say. You don't have to say the forward slash. You don't have to say forward slash because you know what you mean. But when you say backslash, you're actually saying something wrong.

Wow. I can't believe that bothers you. I really can't. It's not a backslash. Because we've reached the point where it doesn't matter. To me, it just doesn't matter. To me, you should be able to say slash, backslash, forward slash. It don't matter because you know what button to hit.

Here's why it matters. It's called a web address. Here's why it matters. If you can't get that far through the web address without instruction, you don't belong on the internet. I totally understand and get that everyone's going to know what to do. Yeah. Okay. Now, there are people that are being taught wrong and so they will now believe that

that is a backslash they hear it all the time they know what they're meaning and so they get it wrong but my real issue with it is that where you hear it is always the old mediums it's always the the old radio show that's you know it's like it just feels outdated old busted so that's, you know, it's like, it just feels outdated, old busted. So that's why I hate saying backslash before forward slash. Why is that one the backslash? When they did the naming conventions of these symbols, why is that one the backslash? Because it leans backwards. I always wondered that with greater than or less

but at least i've had a hard time with that but it leans forward no no think about the pipe right the straight up now if you were to say lean forward i would go to the right because that's the direction i read i agree with mike wait you would lean to the right yes like a forward slash exactly right oh that's true a forward slash. Exactly right. Oh, that's true. Yeah, he's right. So, yes, you agree. Oh, okay. We should never talk about this again.

I got it. You know what I mean? No, you win. You got it. Never again. Okay. All right. Mike, your final pick.

All right. You know it was coming. I had to save it for last because you guys don't care about these things, but it is small talk. It is the worst thing in the entire world. I am going to be around you for 10 seconds. you guys don't care about these things, but it is small talk. It is the worst thing in the entire world. I am going to be around you for 10 seconds. I don't need to converse with you. I don't care about the weather. I don't care about the sport team.

Such a fine line between being polite and small talk, isn't there? Yeah. I'm fine with a head nod, with a hello, a good morning. End of discussion. That's it. That's all we need to have. You don't want us to throw in the, boy, it's pretty cold this morning. Oh, that's what I just said.

I don't need to hear about the weather. I don't need to hear about the temperature. I don't need to hear about things that just. But maybe people value what you have to say so much. No, they don't. They want to hear what you think about the weather. They value what they are saying. Mike, how's your day going?

How's your day going? Oh, you put it back. The big fog. But that's not a bad thing to be like, how's your day going? Maybe I actually wonder how you're doing today. But you don't. But I could. No, you do not.

Some people do care about you. Yes, some people do care. Yes, when I go home and my wife says, how was your day? Does it make a difference who's saying it big it's small small talk to me is defined as an this is somebody i do not know okay and i'm not going to be around them for very long so kind of meaningless strangers trivial conversation so if you're in an elevator with someone and they say how's your day going like we are just we are just wasting our energy in this conversation it doesn't matter to you that should be your how's your day going it doesn't matter to you right how's your day going you don't need to know but like but now now they look at me like hmm

oh this guy's a jerk you're like no i just you don't care no they're the jerk yes for being so rude with their kind question for putting because it's not a kind question it is meaningless it is it is an empty there's a fine line between you being a curmudgeon it is not like being polite and small talk like okay one i i don't have the the social courage to do it but just of if if that ever happening in an elevator hey how's your day going dude it's going really bad and let me lay it out just unload on them of why your day so maybe what maybe the real they will never ask someone again maybe the real thing is is that you don't want to be dishonest maybe you want to be honest and since you know you can't in a small talk situation it feels disingenuous and fake if you are 100% correct.

All right. I'm going to book in. Authenticity. That part is valid to me because you're not really telling the truth. You're both lying to each other for courtesy's sake, and I get that. And that's why just a – Because maybe you really need to tell somebody what's going on, but you can't.

Right. Because they don't actually care. All right. I'm trying to understand. I've got slow drivers, Bluetooth headset talkers, same side booth couples, and I'm going to book in my slow drivers with slow walkers. Sure. I'm going slow walkers.

Andy's got places to be. It really is. Real fast. At the end of the day, most of my pet peeves could be solved by being a patient human and just being kind. But I think that probably goes for a lot of ours. We could probably forgive them. But the slow walker situation, here's why I don't like that. I get that some people can't walk fast. That's okay. But it's a whole lot more awkward to pass

somebody on your feet than it is in your car. So if you've got the long walk up to a movie theater or to the mall, or we go to Chicago, New York, there's a lot of outside walking. It's an awkward pass. You've really got to be on a mission to make that. You've got to act like you're going somewhere. You can't just do a real slow, casual, barely pacing, faster pass because then you're walking hand in hand with that person. Then you're a same side couple with them. It's super awkward

when i'm at the mall and i'm going somewhere when you pass someone you got to do like a mini jog you got you got to no i'm i'm running late to my job you really need an excuse to pass them because you can't just be an impatient person right because you're saying you're saying with your actions you're so that you're doing it wrong. Yeah, you are. You're wasting my time. Get out of my way. Watch me.

This is how you do it. Pretty much. Now, all that being said, we have a platform here to instruct people. And so I hope people learn things today. I hope they learn to put the toilet paper on the over. Yes, on the over. To walk a little faster, drive a little faster. Actually, you know what?

First of all, you're right. It's a forward slash or just slash. The thing is, it's more the lack of awareness in those situations than it is the actual offense. You want to walk slow, that's fine. If you are aware that you are impeding people around you, you want to drive slow, that's fine if you pull to the right right right oh you can always make an adjustment i'll sell my wife down the river one more time as we close wow my wife has this one famous thing that i think

happens all the time she doesn't she's not aware of the spatial constraints of the shopping cart in the store does that make sense so like so like uh like a depth perception problem we really don't know science hasn't told us what's happened to her yet but she's always kind of getting in the way of people with the shopping cart so the like understanding how you block people into the aisles or the person that ends up you know you've been in the awkward like almost collision where you come out of the aisle and the other person, she's a hundred for a hundred on those ones. So we've all got these things that happen to us, but I think it's just the, you know, I'm hyper-conscious and aware of people around me and that's not so good either.

Yeah. People moving slowly. So what did we learn today? moving slowly so what did we learn today we learned that i may have to do some same side sitting with my wife to make up for selling her down the river today uh i learned that a who's gal is jail that was that was news is it prison or jail just jail like going down to the with the paddy wagon down to the jail yeah you know I want to lose gas. Yeah, you know. All right. Kind of makes me want to go now.

I want to check out a huge gas. Yeah. I believe it's like Old West talk. Yeah. That's why I do this voice. That's just a guess. And I learned, I think we all figured out why it's the forward slash, why it was named that. Yeah.

It wasn't forward. Did you change, Mike? No. Do you understand now? I totally understand now. But I'm just saying it wasn't willy-nilly. They just picked, okay, that one's the backslash. I think it makes sense now.

It matters. Words matter. Words have meaning. This is one of those your, your guys over here. It's like if you put a question mark, it's different than a period. Thank you for joining the show. We'll see you next time. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.