Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 67: The Return of the Spear & The Best Months of the Year - Funny Spitballers Podcast

Episode Date: October 7, 2019

On today’s episode, we return to the smash hit segment “LIAR, LIAR!”. Which of the buffoons will be the best at spotting the fake facts? Before that, we head into the ‘Situation Room’ to discuss scenarios like being stranded in the wilderness and abandoning our families for a spaceship full of cash. We put a cherry on top of this episode with a draft of our favorite months of the year. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Holy freaking cow, everybody. This is now an award-winning podcast. I don't know if you knew that. Spit was out there. Of course you did because you helped us get to the top. Speaking of the top, check out spitballerspod.com. You love this show. You want to help support this show.

You want to access every single one of these episodes. Check out spitballerspod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Ooh-cha-choo-cha-doo-cha-choo-chow! Yeah!

Oh, that was one that just wouldn't have worked if you weren't 100 on it. That one at 90%. It doesn't land for me. I think you said horchata one time. I'm not sure. I love horchata. Horchata chow down! I committed to an Hchata one time. I'm not sure. I love horchata. Horchata chow down. I committed to an H and a ch sound. No, no, no.

You did. I mean, look, the normal scat involves the B and the D. We're overlooking the hot chow. I've been thinking that for a long time. I was like, where is the hot chow? Well, I've been thinking it as well, and here we are. Congratulations, gentlemen. Oh, yes. Yes.

2019 comedy podcast winner at podcastawards.com. Thanks to the spitwads and good old fashion bribery. Yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't give out the trade secrets, man. Al Bor al borland no he's made

of money he does this for fun and he bribed the voting public and we appreciate that al hundreds of thousands of dollars yeah one dollar at a time one dollar a vote yes yes he was thank you and that he's principled he would never pay more than a dollar a vote that's be if you pay everybody a little bit it it's not cheating. That's right. No, thank you, Spitballers, for voting for us. It was a surprise. I can tell you, Al Borland was watching with his family,

and then Spitballers popped up on the screen as the winner of the 2019 Best Comedy Podcast. And he said, what? And then he pumped his fist, like a professional athlete would after a touchdown. Or a producer would do after a big podcast award win. Identical. Very similar. But thank you very much. We appreciate everybody supporting the podcast.

We're on Twitter at SpitballersPod. The community is at SpitballersPod.com. Just click the Become a Spitwad button, and that'll take you over to Patreon. And we appreciate all the suggestions, the ideas for drafts and segments, and would-you-rather questions. Oh, they flood in, especially from friends and family. I'll tell you.

They are facing some real questions. I am so excited for today's episode. It's finally back. The people, they've been scrambling, they've been begging since the debut of the Andy Solo podcast. Welcome in, everybody. Oh, bad podcast.

He just screams bad podcast. This is bad. No, sorry, Mike, continue. The return of the Liar Liar segment. Very, very pumped for it. Also, sometimes, look, we do a draft on every single show. You know, we do a silly, fun draft of things. And sometimes you're really, really happy that you have the first pick

because that's the way the cookie has crumbled, as Jim Carrey would say. Like two weeks ago, I had the number one pick, and our draft was probably the stupidest draft we'd ever done. No, that was the animals playing off on a football team. I did end up winning, but that was animals playing for a football team. I got the first pick, and I won. Well, you're going to win this draft. Also, let's just say this.

Look, there are a couple new segments we've rolled out recently, and they are awesome. Li you're going to win this draft. Also, let's just say this. Look, there are a couple new segments we've rolled out recently and they are awesome. Liar, liar. It's back. The other one with the fake articles. We don't even know the name. What is that? Is this real life? Is this real life? Look, I'm going to crowdsource this. Where am I?

Spitballers, when you come across an article that has a headline that is just unbelievable, just so... Well, we can't all see it. We're surprising each other. I know. I want them to send it to Al Borland.

What's your at? At producer Borland. Oh, we never check that. That's for sure. No, I don't. We'll be fine. I don't look at that. I don't even follow him.

We didn't even know the handle. We just asked him. All right, let's read a review. Review-a-saurus rags. This is like a book. This is like a book, and it comes in from the Craminator from Canada. Oh, bonjour. Bonjour.

Reality TV show. These guys need to get a reality TV show for real. I listen to both the Spitballers and the Footballers podcast, and I find myself using my own imagination to picture what they do off of screen. I would love to hear Jason's commentary as he sneaks out for a late night Taco Bell run, as well as the aftermath of what the snack causes in the bathroom afterwards. They want to hear that? Hey, look.

That's not cool, man. The curiosity is real. I want to actually see Mike weeping in the corner of his room when he gets a bad night of sleep with that sick beard and a voice of an angel. What? That's an angel with a cold. That's what my voice is. I want to see Andy practicing in the mirror like ron

freaking burgundy before a show because let's be real he definitely does oh he definitely does oh the craminators nailed us uh these guys are hilarious it doesn't feel manufactured it would be great to be a fly on the wall get these guys a reality tv show well cramming in i have big news for you big that this was the time like we couldn't believe the timing the timing was unbelievable the timing of this review our announcement after the award-winning show is that we are going to be open to tv offers that come our way. So if you are running a... And none of these like, you know... Nothing small.

Nothing small. You know, if you run HBO or Netflix... Major cable channels or preferably network television primetime. I think we would take true TV if we could be the... Sure. We'd follow up these records. We do this web series on our, you know... Yeah, these are faces for the television, not the internet.

Unrelated, completely unrelated. What's the record for the fastest cancel of like a new pilot show? It has to be one. Like a one-off? I'm sure there's plenty of times. I'm sure there are plenty of times. So we can't break that. It's made.

And a lot of times pilots are made and then they don't get the show. But sometimes the show is already, you know, it's basically prepped. It's green lit. And then I'll bet a pilot's been made where after the pilot's been made, they go, we're canceling this. Can we go exclusive to DVD right now? Oh, I like that. We don't release. Lower the audience.

No internet. No theaters. Why don't we just go VHS while we're at it? We can. DVD and VHS only. Okay. Is there something I am missing? Why don't we just go VHS while we're at it? We can. DVD and VHS only. Okay. Is there something I am missing?

Because I've thought about this frequently, which is a ridiculous thing to admit. Uh-oh. But the first episode of a new show is called The Pilot. Yes. What am I missing? Why is this The Pilot? It's a great question, Mike. Okay, okay. So clearly I'm not. I don't know.

Everybody knows the answer, but we would never tell you. Well, obviously, you've got a standard alphabet, but originally, the alphabet used to begin with P. It's like an alpha thing. Yeah, and so P. Before the Greeks, there was the caveman. Jason's furiously Googling and not finding an answer. That is correct.

That is what's happening. That is 100%. We should do a definition. The second definition of the word pilot is done as an experiment or test before introducing something more widely. That's what we're still on right here with this show. Hold on, hold on. First 100 episodes is our pilot.

Hold on. But that still doesn't explain. No, but that sort of does. But however, now the word pilot has these two different meanings. our pilot hold on but that still doesn't explain no but no but that sort of does but however now the word pilot has these two different meanings one is this is an experiment that we're gonna kind of see if it works and then the other one is the person in charge of your life as you fly through the air at 20 000 feet well sure but why is that the same thing there's also a pilot hole right you drill a pilot hole yeah it's the initial hole

it's the you know you're gonna put something in the wall you drill a pilot hole but again that's done as an experiment or test to see if that's correct behind the wall my point i'm saying there's there's two definitions then like two uses but i don't experiment i feel less safe now knowing that the other definition of the word pilot is experimental when this person, they've got the yoke in their hand and they control my life. So you're saying next time you fly, you're thinking, that guy's going to try this out. He's going to do a loopy loop.

This is an experiment. Everyone buckle up. You're going to want to listen to this safety exercise. Okay, we're moving on. The Situation Realm. This shows off to such an award-winning start. Oh, man, they're just going to start flooding in all these awards. Chase, from the website,

you three are stranded in the middle of a forest and forced to survive for 30 days. Which of you builds shelter? Which of you finds water? And which of you will hunt and cook for food and why what would that situation really look like did you guys read hatchet when you were young no i don't read no i don't know what you're talking about it was the story of it's it's like a novel you read when you're a kid in the elementary school and it's it it's about a kid who gets stranded in the wilderness.

I know. I know from past experience, my life of knowing Jason, that the first thing he's going to do for no reason. He might be really thirsty. He'll begin creating a spear. One hundred percent. Once you know. The ultimate of tools. Once you know you're stranded.

You have to. I was going to say once you know your strengths. And this is really your strength. Both. Spear wielding. If I know it's like, oh, no, we just got dropped out of a plane. You know what I mean? We're in the middle of an island. What do we do?

Craft a spear. That's step one. And I'm in charge of that. Once we have a spear, I'm not letting either one of you two touch it. So I'm in charge of that once we have a spear i'm not letting either one of you two touch it so i'm in charge of hunting and finding food i'm gonna turn this parachute into a spear i've seen you try to write an email jason and it takes you a long time if you're mike and i are making shelter we're getting food and water the whole time you're gonna be making this stupid spear jason the whittler would be the slow you would be one slow whittler but i feel like you need a knife to whittle right yes you do so if i have a

sharp rock okay okay well that would take a long time for me but if i already had a knife i don't think i would whittle a spear what what uh music artist do you listen to while making a spear? Prince? Bette Whittler. Oh, goodness. Bette Whittler. That was bad. That was rough.

We're going to need some kind of warrant on that one. Yeah. I really screwed up when I didn't say Whittler right. It's Whittler. I'm glad you explained it because I'm sitting over here. I had no idea. You didn't get it then? No, no.

You just been shaking your head? Yeah, I was just like, sure. These guys are laughing at something. Apparently, I missed it. I understood it, but it was bad. I mispronounced it. You said Whittler. It would have landed if I had said Whittler.

Oh, 100%. It would have been a sensational award-winning joke. Can we recut it? Nope. And let me tell you who you're listening to. Bette Whittler. Ooh. The wind beneath my wings uh so mike and i would do most of the stuff right is that fair yeah i'd be ordering pizza

i'd be like they won't accept delivery here i did everybody know the zip code because your postmates postmates got service but i would definitely be in charge of food. Because should I die in that process, I would be the most... You'd be the food. I would be the food and I would be both the most delicious and the most sustaining. No, no, no. Bette Whittler. Let it die.

Kill me. Yeah, I think I would want control of the situation that i have no control of that would be difficult we would i don't really know that i would prioritize the right things in the right order i imagine you want shelter quickly yes but i also imagine you need water so water water is number one. Is it, though? Yeah. I think so. Over shelter. I believe that water is number one.

Over spear? Spear is so far down the list. I think so. All right. Let's just put ourselves. We know each other really well. I know what I'm doing. Let's say this is a real situation.

Who's got the best sense of direction? Genuinely. Yeah. the three of us i consider mine to be pretty good okay not not elite but pretty good i consider mine to be average yeah i'm about average so mike all right i'm in charge of water i'm navigating i feel like andy you could build a good shelter wait if you have a good sense of direction that doesn't tell you where water is but it tells you where north It tells you how to get back from where you left. What good is it if I go out and find water and never see you guys again? Like, I have no idea where they're at, but good for me. I've got plenty of water. That's fair. Good point. One thing's for sure, I'm not thirsty. And they are. Okay, so Mike's in charge of water. Well, I think I was putting

myself in charge of, look, if you think I'll just put myself in charge. If you're stranded in the modern day, you certainly have your cell phone. Yes. Now, the signal is gone. You can't call anybody. Well, you have to survive for 30 days. This is not an escape situation. But at least for the first few days, I'm going to shoot some sweet video.

Oh. I'm going to be taking- You're going to waste your battery on video? What else would you use it for? A compass? I would really like a compass. We already talked about this. I don't need the compass.

Your sense of direction is as good as a compass. You have to save a little bit of battery for the goodbye. Because if you're not going to make it, you need a little battery left to save. 100%. To say, honey, this went. Well, that's the first thing you do. Jason built a spear, and I have nothing. And he's going to kill me.

But what good is it to survive for 30 days in the wilderness, and you don't have content for your YouTube page? That's fair. Did you really survive then? No one knows. It would be really cool if you could live stream. If for some reason you've got signal... Hey, y'all!

And you've got all the hearts flying up, and are like oh this is a great video you're like i'm dying could you ever actually tell anybody where you're at how would you tell somebody on the video you're in the middle of the remote wilderness and you don't know where you're at how would you tell somebody where you're at so there's some trees yeah i mean you kind of know like i'm in arizona no no what if you don't what if you just dropped randomly you took a flight from la to new york okay and you went down somewhere yeah you fell everyone fell asleep and you just wake up and the plane that's a good point because i'd be like okay i was oh and i fell asleep so i don't even know how long it's been maybe you're in nevada maybe you're in kansas you're summer between you're summer in

between and you are live streaming every minute of it here's what how do you get people to you here's what i would without gps i would live stream at night and i would show the stars i would show the stars oh i would definitely request a lot of subscribers and i would show the stars and i would say this is now find me. Someone out there is smart enough to look at these stars. From what I can tell, the sun is about yay big. Now find me. I'll give you 20 minutes. Where's Reddit?

Reddit could find you. Yeah, they could. Oh, for sure. They'd be like, I know that tree. I've seen that branch. Reddit solves everything. Reddit solves. Okay.

This really. Did you guys remember that joke right in the middle of that bad voice? The bad whittler. Man, it was so close. It really was. It was almost there. All right. James from Patreon writes in a new situation for us.

We're approached, as we often are, by Elon Musk. And he tells you that he has been secretly colonizing Mars. He offers you $3 million to go safely live on Mars for one year. His rocket, however, leaves immediately. You are not able to connect with friends, family, and work to tell them you're leaving. Wow. Do you take the trip?

This is a very interesting situation. It is very. It does presume that you will return after a year. That's an important part because what good is the $300 million offered you if you're like, I got a 50-50 shot of getting back? Yeah, and what are you going to spend $3 million if you have to spend it on Mars? Exactly. It doesn't do you any good there.

No. You're coming back from Mars safely. Okay, so this is 100% guaranteed. right. Exactly. It doesn't do you any good there. No. No. You're coming back from Mars. Okay. So there's a hundred percent guaranteed. Yep. Man. So you've got one year. You need,

you got $3 million, but the next time you're going to contact your friends and family, I presume is from Mars. No, no. It's when you get back here, when you get back. So they,

no, I'm not doing it. No way. All right. That changes everything. If you told me that I could, once I'm on mars i could send beam back a message and say look i took the money i'm gone for a year that does make it a

lot easier then my kids know i'm alive that's what it comes it could be 300 million dollars my kids think i'm dead i'm not but see that's that's the situation is and i'm saying there's not an amount of money that would make me do that all right so on one hand okay jason we'll talk about this like real men you had me at 300 million dollars but yes on one hand your wife your wife and your children yeah you have vanished they have no idea where you've gone on the other hand you're on you're in mars you're you're on mars we've talked about being the king of mars and now you are one of the first people ever ever like this is this goes down in the history books this is a life one of the first people to ever fully abandon their family for money no you know there's plenty of plenty of people done that your wife could let's be honest

people do that for free all the time. Yeah. That's fair. You're at least coming back with $3 million. Your wife could remarry, in theory. If you left for one year... I am going to go out on a limb and say that if I left for one year... Your wife is quick to move on.

My wife would not have remarried yet. Now, five years? Definitely. When do they presume your demise? I think they don't even presume. If you just go missing, they don't think you're alive after a year? Maybe after a year. At least six months, though.

At least six months, but maybe, I think it would be a year. I think my wife would have to say at the one-year anniversary, I've got to accept that he's not coming back. And that's when you have a giant suitcase full of three million dollars saying surprise i was on mars i parachute down into our backyard throwing dollar bills out into the pool in the summer while they're just swimming from the sky daddy's back just rain you're literally making it rain what would your wives really do to you if you did that and you come walking in in a year i've got three million dollars the torture you put them through i would yeah but

it was awesome for me because i was on mars i understand that it was awesome for you mike that you got to go to mars that is one of your family will be destroyed that we can't overlook is like okay family destroyed but so cool to go to Mars. I mean, we all know who the first person on the moon was, right? Louis Armstrong. Jason, you're not involved in this moon conspiracy, man. That's historical. That's forever.

But that's not even this case. You're going to be up on Mars with a bunch of other saps like you all's true all chasing the money okay okay mike wright was the 491st person on mars here's one of the rules here's one of the rules you get to be the first person out of the ship you are the first touchdown on mars ever first person to touch the soil of an extraterrestrial body in the history of humankind. It makes it slightly more compelling. It's not like you're abandoning them forever. Yeah, it's one year. You're coming back. But you don't.

No. No. Thank you for making it more compelling. I mean, my kids are only in fifth grade and first grade. They're going to be fine. You won't miss prom. I'll be there for middle school. Homecoming.

I'm too sensitive. I need to harden up i need to realize that being the first man on another plane and it's far more important no we're family men first of course i would definitely stay with my i've had a hard time playing along because no i i'm just playing the devil's advocate i i don't think i could do it like what if they could get a letter in six months and it says turns out i'm on mars please wait six months i'll be back but would you believe it or think it's a hoax been kidnapped yeah it has to be like a telegram on mars stop three million incoming stop see you soon six months maybe more probably around six months stop Stop. Here's the deal. But who knows?

Stop. I'm not coming back. Signed, Robot. Now, let's say you got back from this. Are you really going to be like, look, I took $3 million and went to Mars. I was told I could come back in a year, but I couldn't tell you. Or you're going to come back and be like, I was captured, but I took their money and got away and I'm back. No, no, no.

They're not mad at you. I'd go the Mars way because of the fame that Mike wants. Yeah, they're not mad until you're like, hold on, I'm busy on Friday. For what? I got to be in this parade thing. Also, don't read any news media for like three years. Do we have time for one more situation or should we hit Liar Liar? We got time.

All right. Austin from the website, NotOnMars. If you could warn one character in a movie or TV show of a tragic event that is about to happen, who would it be? Oh, wow. Listeners, spoiler alerts incoming, I'm sure. Yes, for sure. What was the first movie that popped into your head? Because for me, it was Titanic.

Now, warning them probably doesn't do a whole lot of good. For me, it was Endgame, but I don't think an answer came. That was just the first thing I thought of. Okay. Okay. Well, for Titanic, you could. You could say, like, hey, Leo, don't get on that boat, bro. Okay, so you could warn him before he even got on.

Yeah, the boats. But then there's no movie. Right. The Titanic is Leo DiCaprio waving to the Titanic, and then the movie's done. Tragic event. I mean, that's just the default thing that popped into my head of a tragic event in a movie that you'd like to have known about. That's funny.

The default that popped into my head was Robb Stark. Oh, from Game of Thrones? Oh, my goodness. Say Robb Stark. Oh. Because it's not a wedding. Because, number one, Robb Stark was awesome. I really liked Robb Stark.

Yeah. And that was two. Spoiler, spoiler, spoiler. We gave our warnings. If you're still listening, that's on you. Number two, that was the most shocked I've ever been by any turn of event in TV or a movie. That I literally did not see coming at all. So that was the first thing that popped into my head.

And let me add, too, yours. What makes yours awesome is if you gave him the warning, it's not, hey, don't get on the boat. Now there's no movie. There's no story. It's, hey, they are trying to destroy you and your family at this event he's gonna flip the script yes and he's gonna be ready and they think they're surprising him he's surprising them and then we get rob stark for the rest of the series that's a good one for a few more episodes until he ends up being murdered i want to ruin that define the series is the real question that kind of made it was a huge part of it yeah all right did you have any

more jason or can we uh move on i want to ruin some like big twist so that's what i want to do i i would you know i would go to the the police officer at the usual suspects, and I'd whisper in his ear, you know. Kaiser. He's Kaiser Sose. He just ruined the credits. Yes. No. He'd flip the script. All right.

Moving on. Liar, liar. Pants on fire. I don't remember the intro being that sultry to that segment. From the announcer? Liar, liar. He's a intro being that sultry to that segment. From the announcer? Liar, liar. He's a very very sultry man. Al Borland remind our listeners what this segment is all about.

Alright, we're going three rounds. Each round consists of three facts. Two of them are true and one of them is not. You guys need to figure out which one is not true. Now, if I remember correctly last time, I got off to a strong start. You and Andy had a very hot start.

And then Mike won. Yes. That is accurate. I don't remember that. I don't think it's the first time we've done that. If only there was a way to find out. In the archive at spitballerspod.com. Round one.

Here we go. Three facts, two true, one a lie. The lowest tone that can be hit by a tuba. Oh, brown tone. Is called the crass. Ooh. See, this is not fair because Mike's a music man. Yeah.

But I'm just going to follow his lead on that one then. Otters hold hands while sleeping so they do not drift apart. Otters have hands? This is they do not drift apart. Otters have hands? This is blowing my world. Suspicious. Very suspicious. Horses are physically unable to vomit. Interesting. Could a giraffe vomit?

Why does that help you? No, if a horse can't vomit, then a giraffe surely cannot vomit. That's my point. Because you believe it's neck related? This is algebraic. Yes. I mean, you've got to push against gravity for a long way. You know there's a pretty big neck difference between a giraffe and a horse, right?

Exactly. It's way worse for a giraffe. Yes, my point. I mean, on this basis, if horses can't vomit, then donkeys can't vomit, right? I like that this one is... Possibly. I like that this one is themed animal animal tuba well the tuba is the animal of the music family right oh okay so first of all i've got to go back to the hands on an otter this this one is otters have like fins or flippers or

something no no no this this is the one. What animal am I thinking of? They don't have flippers. You're thinking of like a- An otter is like a mammal. I know what an otter is. No, you do not. You just said they have fins. Oh, my gosh.

Well, no, no, no. To be fair, isn't a seal a mammal? They have flippers. I am 100% thinking of seals. Okay. Otters have little- Yes, they have hands. His defense is is i know what

an otter is then finds out doesn't know what otter is did not know what an otter was i am locking this one and it's true because i have seen plenty i believe it as well i've seen plenty of the videos where they have the otters asleep holding hands and it's one of the sweetest things you've ever seen in your life okay i'm I'm just on Google. Wait, you're not supposed to be on Google. Oh, I'm sorry. But this wasn't to answer the question. This was to know if I know what an otter was. What is an otter, do they hold hands?

No, one word is in Google, otter. And then I went to images. I just wanted to see an otter. That's it. All right. I'm voting that horses are physically unable to vomit is true. No, it's the false one. That's it. I'm going to say that the physically unable to vomit is true. No, it's the false one. That's it.

I'm going to say that the crass tuba one is true. The otters one is true. And horses being physically unable to vomit, I'm going to say is false. Okie dokie. What about otters? Were you saying? I'm going to continue. Thank you.

Thank you. I was going to say they are the most adorable thing I've ever seen. Yes. Otters are like. What do you think of their fins? They don't have them. Yeah. Okay.

So for the question, I think that giraffes cannot vomit. So I'm going to say horses also cannot vomit. But man, if that's true, if both can't vomit, then horses not vomiting is not like a special quality. It's just animals with long necks can't vomit. Yeah, but it just says horses are physically unable to vomit. It doesn't say they're the only animal that can't vomit. But my point is, if there's a lot of animals unable to vomit, then this is just a really

stupid point. Ooh. I'm changing. That's the lie. Oh my goodness. Yes. That's the lie. Oh my goodness. That's the lie. And me and you are once again matching. I guess so. The tuba is very crass when it goes low.

I need a vote, Mike. Well, the problem is I want to play the game, but I actually agree with you guys. I think the one about the tuba, if that was a crafted lie by Al Borland, that is sensational. That's what I think. And I don't think he's that sensational of a producer.

I'm going... Award winning, yes. And it's only round one. I don't want to start in a deficit again. We're all genius here. Tell us we got it right. You are all incorrect. Oh, come on.

The tuba is completely made up. Oh, my gosh. Well done. Good job. That's honestly a really... That helps me trust that we're going to have some very challenging rounds to come. Can giraffes vomit? Oh, gosh.

So, wait. What's the wrong one? Yes! A giraffe can vomit! I just told you. The tuba is the lie. It doesn't say giraffe. I don't know where you got giraffe from.

Dude, I'm just... I don't know why you're connecting horses with giraffes i'm extrapolating they're not related according to equus magazine horses have much stronger lower esophageal sphincters than other animals and this makes it impossible for that valve to open under backward pressure from the stomach it's mike's just laughing at sphincter i only know the sphincter from one area. It's your butt. Yes. Round two. Here's the three facts from round two.

We have failed miserably in round one, but we're even Stevens. And ladies and gentlemen at home, prepare, because I've read through the three of round two. And if one of these is false, your mind is about to explode. All right. All right. One of them is false, though. So my mind is about to explode. Fact number one.

If 23 people are in the same room, there is a 50% chance that two share the same birthday. Impossible. This is impossible. If 23 people are in the same room, there's a 50% chance that two share the same birthday. That doesn't make any sense. It's impossible. Dolphins are the single exception to the rule that all mammals have hair or fur. The single impossible.

Impossible. Single exception. All mammals have hair. That's like part of what makes a man. All mammals are otters from what I understand. Well, in defense of this one, I don't know if this is the true or false one, but part of a mammal, one of the rules is live birth. And yet there is the duck-billed platypus, which is an egg-laying mammal.

It's true. Incredible. It's a fact. So there are mammals that break the rules. And this could be one. It takes up to 14 days to make a single jelly bean impossible no that's impossible ridiculous impossible but then if that's the wrong one that's what i mean if 23 people are in the same room that's impossible okay hold on hold on hold on there are 365 days of the year. Yes. Although they do not share equal. I guarantee they do not share equal weight.

As far as dates of birth. Yeah. You certainly have. Let's cut it down to half. Let's do it. Let's say that double the births happen in 150 days. If 23 people are in the same room, there's no way that two people. There's no way.

He doesn't make something like this up, though, guys, unless he just changes the numbers. If he took this and there's real numbers and he just substituted fake numbers, he's a sneaky guy. He's an owl. Now, if it takes 14 days to make a single jelly bean, obviously Jelly Belly sells quite a few jelly beans. That's hogwash. But they can make more than one at the same time.

Yes. They've got to be able to make like... I mean, it's similar to like an aged whiskey. Except for their jelly beans. Nobody's sitting there, Ooh, what a fine treat we've built over time. This isn't wine or whiskey. It's a jelly bean.

If it takes 14 days to make your jelly bean, you need to evaluate your process. Yes. Because you were doing. You ever had an aged Starburst? You were doing. I have. It broke my teeth.

At least 98 things are wrong with your process. That one is impossible. So then that's your lie. Unless the answer is it can take up to 14 days to make a jelly bean. It's the Dolphins one, isn't it? It's got to be. The other two are too ridiculous. Yeah, but two of them are right, Mike.

Right. Don't Dolphins have hair? So you're believing both are too ridiculous, therefore they must be right. Yes. They're too ridiculous. Yes. I'm going to vote jelly bean is the lie. I think if that's the way jelly beans are getting made, one, you're wasting a lot

of time making jelly beans. Also, jelly beans are just so overrated. The fact that it takes them 14 days to make one? That's what I'm saying. All right. What's your lie, Mike? Before I answer that question, Jason, why don't you tell me which one is a lie? I think that dolphins have hair

so you know like i've always been told like whales have hair obviously they don't seem like it but like the little tiny i've always been told from my grandpappy. I think the whale got older and started growing some hair. I'm a man now. Once a dolphin goes through puberty, they get hair in funny places. Like under his hands. All right, I'm going with the dolphins. I think that's a lie lie i think they're hairy beasts all right mike you we at least know that all three of us are not going to be tied after this

round so the thing about is is it's dolphins are the single exception to the rule that all mammals have hair for which is saying that could be others it's saying that they don't have hair but they're claiming that they're the only one and there could be more there could be others. It's saying that they don't have hair, but claiming that they're the only one, and there could be more. There could be five different animals. That's how I'm reading it. Yeah, 100%. I'm not reading it that dolphins are hairy.

You were so emphatic that the first one, if 23 people are in the same room. Because that's impossible. If it's impossible, Mike, that's the lie. It would also even Stevens our votes. I'm trying to work it. I wish I could remember junior year statistics. How do you figure these things out? Because it's one out of 365.

Now, do you then multiply it by one over 360? That's the answer. Because even if it's the lie, I don't care. I stand by it. It's impossible that if 23 people are in the same room, there's a 50% chance that two share the same birthday. It's only one of us is right. It's like two of us are a lie and one of us is true.

I'm right. Go ahead, Al. Now, while Jason's dolphin puberty concept was completely backwards, dolphins are actually born with hair and it falls out. Boo! That's what I meant. Jason got it correct. That one is the lie. They are born hairy? They actually born with hair and it falls out. Boo! That's what I meant. Jason got it correct. That one is the lie.

They are born hairy? They are born with hair. Also, hold on. That means that if 23 people are in the same room, there's a 50% chance that you share the same birthday. I need an explanation for this. All right. Buckle up.

Also referred to as the birthday problem or the birthday paradox, this is based on the mathematical principle frequently attributed to Harold Davenport. There are only 366 possible birthdays in a year, including February 29th, and each day has an equal chance of being a birthday. Using these facts, Davenport figured out that when 23 people are gathered in the same room, there's a 50% probability that two share a birthday. With 70 people in the room, it goes up to a 99..9 probability that two of them share a birthday okay what you just did was you basically said the same thing without any explanation except said this dude's real smart and he says it's so i think that davenport is a liar full of malarkey is it the same thing to have a 50 chance as a 50 probability i think it is i think those mean the same things

okay i'm genuinely asking that question because he said in the reading probability, I was like, well, this is... Yeah, that's chance. So if you're in a room, every single day of the year has an equal chance of possibly being that person's birthday is what he's saying. Yeah, but that's 365.

Doesn't make no sense. Or 366 because they're including leap year. Wow, that one, I stand by it. Mind-blowing. Impossible. Impossible. And here we are with Harry Dolphins winning. All right, round three.

Let's go. The inventor of the fidget spinner was actually designing a new turret system for his microscope when his son found his 3D-printed prototype and couldn't put it down. Okay, sounds plausible. That sounds very specific. Sounds too specific to be a lie. Adolf Hitler once plotted to kill Winston Churchill with exploding chocolate.

Sounds delicious. If it's not, if that one- I'm with that one. That one's got to be true. Yeah, otherwise you just made up a Hitler lie. Right. You don't want to come up with like, oh, you don't want to be true. Yeah, otherwise you just made up a Hitler lie. Right. You don't want to come up with like, oh, you don't want to be good. I got to make a lie up.

Let's do Hitler. Let's do a Hitler lie today, folks. Hitler and Churchill on my mind. Oh, man. I hope that's the lie now just so we can give it to Borland. Be like, why are you making up Hitler lies? All right. The longest bout of hiccups lasted for 68 years okay so that's either one of two things

true or a stupid change by borland where he's like no 86 years to his credit as an award-winning producer of our award-winning show yes he's not been stupid with no that's true he's been award-winning two times he just keep waiting for. He's never taken certain ones and then been like, no, it's actually 63 years in that voice either. The longest bout of hiccups. I watched something as a kid when I had hiccups. I don't know. I had seen it. It was on one of them PBS shows.

And it talked about people that had these really long bouts. And it terrified me every bout of hiccups I had for the next few years that that would be the one where... This is your life now. Yeah. So I believe that the 68 years thing is true. I do too. It sounds true-ish. And I believe that the Hitler thing is true because, come on,

it's Al Borland. He's not sitting out here just meditating on Hitler lies. Now, here's the thing about the inventor of the fidget spinner. It says he was designing a new turret system for his microscope. Do microscopes have, like, a turret? Yeah, it's like a rotating turret. Yes, microscopes often have more than one lens, and you turn it. It does sound specific, though, because I feel like as smart as Borland is,

I don't think he would call it a turret system. No. He's not that smart. A fidget spinner. With wood, maybe. But here's what i'm thinking a microscope when you are when they actually have the multi lenses you turn and it you know it clicks into place meanwhile a fidget spinner continues it goes limitless so that if you had a microscope and you could spin it like that and it just went round

around and never stopped that would be a horrific invention I think the fidget spinner one's a lie. Locking it in. Oh yeah, you two should pick the same one. Then I'll pick that one. No way. And I win. I'm content just getting this one right. And I'm going fidget spinner final answer. What do you guys think? I want to do the

Adolf Hitler is a lie. That it was like, oh, he tried to kill him. I'm going hiccups well that was quickly you're just trying to get me to adopt the game yeah i see what you're doing over there the longest bout of hiccups see the thing about the longest bout of hiccups lasted for 68 years is that that sounds like a fact, because it's a lie. Exactly. Like Borland's trying to trick us here.

I think you're right. I think that it's the longest bout of hiccups lasted for 68 years. That's just too simple, too easy. Here's an outlandish stat. All right. So you're together. But if I pick that, I guarantee that Mike cannot win, which is also great because he won last time.

You and I can tie if you're right. Yeah. Yeah, let's go. Dude. And I got a 66% chance of winning. It doesn't do you any good to get the wrong answer here. You can't win with the wrong answer. I think the longest bout of hiccups lasted for 68 years.

I'm switching to the chocolate. Okay. Officially? Because I'm going hiccups. I think that's too simple. I can't not the chocolate. Okay. That's your... Officially? Because I'm going hiccups. I think that's too simple. I can't not switch. All right. I'm going the Adolf Hitler hilarious joke by Al Borland.

All right. What's the truth? All right. This episode of Liar Liar has ended in a tie. Dang it. Andy got this one right. The fidget spinner was completely made up. Completely made up completely made up completely dude you're doing good work over there man it was they're doing exceptional work

over there it was the clicking that's that's where i felt like it was wrong plus this means you didn't make up a hitler lie that's good that's good but it does mean that he went and put in a hitler fact he's like, which one is worse? Yeah, which one is worse? Making up a lie or just saying something that Hitler did? Wow. Okay. So we tied today.

Mike and I, right? No. You and Jason. That's right. Oh, that's right. So now we are collectively tied lifetime. No, no. You got one victory.

Andy and I now have one victory. Yeah. When people win at the same time, they call that a tie. You don't get a full victory point. Is that true? Congrats, Jason. You guys got half a point. But you don't have any ties on your record. I think the real winner here was Al Borland. You fooled us

well. Let's move on. The Spitballers Draft. Stupid draft. Unless it was next week, in which case, fantastic draft. The draft that we have selected for us, courtesy of Al Borland, is months of the year. We are drafting months of the year. Every single one of them.

All 12 will be drafted. I'm going to try to make my notes. And Mike gets the first pick. See, if all 12 are being drafted as the first pick, that means that the last pick is not even really a pick for me. That's correct. Oh, you poor baby. I know.

That's so terrible. Because it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You're going to win the poll because you get the first pick, even though you get February. You think February is the last throwaway month? It's only got 28 days, dude. It's a little itty-bitty baby loser of a month.

Sometimes it has 29. Yeah, it's the only month that changes. Wow, okay. It stays pliable. I'm very excited to get February for free. Ooh, name problem oh and come on i have the first pick so obviously look owl borland has already written it inside of the dunk because it's the most wonderful time of the year yes it is it's got the best holiday it's got

vacations it's got two weeks off of school wait why does it have vacations? Oh, because you're taking off a week of December. Yes. Christmas vacations. Because it's Christmas. I'm taking December. And the draft is over. We may cue the music. All right.

You don't believe in yourself enough to turn your four picks into a more compelling argument than December? I think if I got 11 picks. This is like Mike Tyson fighting a teenager. No, but 11 teenagers, Mike. Okay, I'll still take Mike Tyson. It's still going to be Mike Tyson. All right, I'm going to do my best here, okay, because the holidays are, to me, what matter.

They're the best time of the year. We live in Arizona, so, you know know summer is terrible here yes so i'm still gonna stick with my heart i'm gonna go with the month that you start decorating for christmas which is october haha yeah i know andy thought i was going elsewhere look halloween is so much fun you've got the changing of the season this This was the only obvious choice. This is where, I mean, there's parties thrown. There's costumes dressed up. The weather in Arizona starts changing. How many ways can I describe Halloween?

I'm trying to. There's parties being thrown. There's Halloween. There's time of year when you dress up. There's candy given out on the street. Don't forget the big blow- things and uh the houses that are haunted uh yeah i'm going going with i think october is it's my it is genuinely my second favorite month of the year because it's for arizonans this is where we can finally start

going outside again we can live and and not be scorched by the sun. See, I think you've made a terrible mistake, and I need to beat you. Please take it. But the reason that you've made a terrible mistake is because you just built this around yourself, not about the objective truths of these months. You built this around Arizona's weather. You built it around when you hang up Christmas things. That's also very early.

The month that I'm selecting is November. Oh, the worst. What a loser month. November is amazing. It is the actual month you prepare for Christmas. It is the month that you have Thanksgiving, which is a wonderful holiday. It's the stupidest holiday. You get time off.

You eat a ton of food. You watch football on it, Mike. That part's pretty great. Yeah, that part's pretty good. November is greater sign october in my opinion that's fine you get another pick i know i mean october is i was gonna give you a chance to respond yeah november is i look november is the clear pick to me because there's three holiday months in a row that's october november december that's the greatest quarter

of the year it's so wild to me because there is a month that is so vastly superior to November. Really? Yes, because of everything. It's called December, my number one pick. Well, I'm saying besides that. My number two pick is still on the board. Really? That's fine.

It's not going to make it back to me. I'm actually going with the month of march oh my second pick for several reasons the ides of march yes first of all weather in march it's when spring begins weather in arizona if you want to keep it local it's great in march but nationally that's the beginning of spring you've got march madness that's an exciting collegiate tournament. Sure. You've got St. Patrick's Day. You've got spring break for a lot of people. And you know what else? You've got my birthday.

My birthday is in March. Excellent pick. So kind of a big month. Excellent pick. Way better than November. I will be honest with you, Andy. Had you not taken March, March would have 100% have been my next pick. Excellent.

To add to your rationale and to add to the 23 people in a room would share the same birth date, I'm pretty sure half of everyone I know was born in March. Yes. Maybe you just brought, maybe March people

they relate to you. I was born in March. Yes. I was born in March. You were born in March. I'm pretty sure to you. I was born in March. Yes, I was born in March. You were born in March. I'm pretty sure that Mike was born in March. Mike was born in March. My children were born in March. There's something going around. What is nine months before March?

Do the math, Borland. All right. So I am on it. Look, your pick that you're hoping gets back to you, you're probably going to get. Because from here on out, all these stinky months are the same. But since I can't go to Disneyland and have it dressed up for Christmas because you took December. Yes, that's correct. That first week.

That first week of January. Oh, okay. That first week of January, Oh, okay. That's a good one. That first week of January, I can still get there. The crowds are gone. It's still got the whole holiday Christmas season going. It's my wife's birthday. Okay. It's New Year's.

It's good weather. So give me January. I'm starting the year off with the bang. When you go to Disney and you're there for that last week of stuff do you like make faces with all the other people there and all of you nod and say like i know this isn't as good as december like if i like we got the discount travel too thank you if i can choose if i like literally for years yes if i can choose to go to dis Disney at any time of the year, it would be the first week of December,

but after that it gets too busy, then it would be the first week of January. But if I had to choose between going on the week of Christmas versus the first week of January, I'm going to go and I'm going to look the people in the faces and we're going to go, yeah, what's up? We're the smart ones. I think what you say to them is you say, how was your Christmas?

I think what you say is, high five. Were you here two weeks ago? It was amazing. We're not waiting three hour long lines. Okay. January is a good month. New Year's. I mean, New Year's.

Yeah, it's exciting. January is pretty good. So my second pick, it made it back to me, lo and behold, because it still holds a special place in your heart. Yes, we live in Arizona, and yes, we are crotchety old men now. So this month sucks. However, this month signif- Significations. Signified.

Significizes. Something special. Oh, this month has got 30 days of the significizes. I knowizes. Something special. This month has got 30 days of the significizes. I know what you're taking. Yeah, me too. I'm taking June, man. It's summer vacation. This is like, yes, in Arizona now we get out in May,

but to the rest of the nation, June is summer. June is fantastic. It sucks in the desert, but everywhere else. The majority of places. Everywhere else in the United States, June is awesome because you are done with school. You are free for three months. You are on the best vacation of your life. And that's 18 years of your life you're looking at that.

So June is incredible. Now it gets a lot tougher because the other picks i would have liked to take however i'm gonna take the the month that jason has just thrown in the garbage i'm taking february i don't care if it's shorter sometimes a little bit longer it gets to actually be interesting every other month it's the same amount of days every single year not february no every four years you get valentine's what about this what about the spelling verse pronunciation problem though that that 100 is a problem but sometimes you get an extra day you get valentine's day and fellows you get the super bowl all right all right look that's a good one february is is an excellent look i'm really

sad at the beginning of this draft because 28 days and it's the littlest tiniest worst month but then in reality it's a great month the weather is great at least for us in Arizona I love Valentine's Day I know people out there hate on it whatever if you're in Arizona it's Arizona's birthday so, I'm going to go with the month that you should have taken a second ago. Andy and I locked eyes because we both knew what you were taking. Clearly, you were taking pinnacle summer. Now, it sucks for Arizona, but the rest of the world loves it. And it, what was the word, Mike?

You signified. Significizes the birth of a nation. I mean, you want to talk about. I thought about doubling up. We did both think you were going July. 100%. But I've got July. I've got the 4th of July.

I've got the barbecue outside for everyone outside of Arizona. We barbecue in the winter here. Spit wads. Spit wads if you don't understand how awful barbecuing in the summer like we still do it in arizona we still get the grill out because the stores are all decorated with you know the barbecue stuff what a nightmare you're out in the hottest imaginable weather, and you go stand by a flame. It's so stupid.

You have to actually jump in the pool, cook a burger, jump in the pool, keep cooking the burger. 100%. So I'll take July. All right. Well, at this point, I feel like I've got leftovers, and that's it. So I'm going to go for what you'd call a straight flush at this point. I'm going to grab April and May.

I'm finished. I got March already. I'm taking April and May. I'm going back to back. I want at least a consecutive amount of days to enjoy the spring. April Fool's Day, I know you're not a big fan, Mike. No, April Fool's Day is the best, is absolute human garbage. But, look, you get the showers and the flowers, my man.

I get the showers. I get the flowers in May. I get Memorial Day. You get my birthday. Hooray! We get your birthday. It's a pretty big deal. Yeah.

So I think April's not too bad. May, I got to go with what's left over here, and I don't want the worst month of the year. So that's what I'm doing. It's going to drop to me. It's going to bring my stock down. I feel like I knew what the worst month of the year was from the moment this draft started.

So there's only two months left. Enjoy yourselves. We've got November, March, April, May. Am I correct here that the last two months are September and August? I don't know, Jason. Are they? Yes. So if I've got to decide.

I'll take Schlocktober. Ah, man. These are both bad months. These are both bad months. And they're bad in my mind for the same reason. I'm going to take September. No! Because it hurts Mike, primarily.

Yes. I think that even though it's a bad connotation sometimes, the back to school thing is also a fun time. I know my kids, I know when I was growing up, by the end of summer, it was like, I can't wait to see my friends again, go back to school, do all that. The weather is still a little bit better. August is...

How are you missing the best part of September? Which is? Football! Oh, yeah! Football! It's the kickoff of the season. I love September. That's interesting.

You can't have it, Mike, because I took it. September was my vote for the worst month of the year oh august is the worst because for the entire my whole childhood now it's changed to mike's month yes but going back to school meant the end of summer vacation and yes sure i was a kid and once you're back at school and you see your friends it's all right it's all right when you're a kid, but I dreaded September because it meant I have to go back and not be playing in the pool or playing Donkey Kong Country or enjoying my summer.

So September's my turn of the year. I love going back to school. Hey, guys, I have a big announcement. What? What your last pick is? I would like to draft the best month of all time. Look, it starts with an A. It's the first letter in the alphabet.

Still don't follow. Mike, genuinely, you can crap all over this month. You don't have to build it up. You can tell everyone out there why it's the worst month in the year, and you're going to win this poll 95 to 5. I will do no such thing because this month is sensational. I probably should have taken it second. I just didn't.

I got lucky. I got it with my very last pick of the draft. And he celebrated. You remember when he celebrated when you took September? He was so happy he went, dang it. Yeah. Yeah, that was like, dang it. You guys lost this poll so bad because I get August.

Dang it. Yeah. August. All it. Yeah, August. All right, December, June, February, August. Jason has October, January, July, and September. That is a good lineup. Still won't win. Objective commentary from Jason. Yep.

November, March, April, May. The only hope we have is that our remaining months somehow dwarf Mike's. He's going to win. Your only hope is that August is such a giant wart upon my draft that people move along. There's no single month that is

the wart. You have December. You have Christmas. I'm voting for you, Mike. For the first time ever i'm i'm gonna vote for one of you two because i can't go against my conscience did you guys ever hear that saying that november is the new december i heard it as october oh okay we heard it differently i guess yes that is it for our draft that is it for the episode what an episode it was.

What did we learn today? Oh, my goodness. I learned that Jason Moore believed that up. How old are you? I am 36. For 36 years, Jason believed. Why did you look at your watch? Because I got a notification.

Hold on. Checking my age. The watch says I am 36 years old. For 36 years, you thought that otters may have fins or flippers. Or flippers. I wrote down that otters have hands as what I learned. This is real. That's true.

I also learned that otters are the cutest stinking animal in the world. You got to look up the videos of the otters holding hands. It's unbelievable man and i learned that owl borland loves nothing more than an absolute critical and sensational adolf hitler fact oh that's true he did choose an adolf hitler fact he at the end of the day he did choose that he searched for facts to put in our show and he searched adolf hitler facts this one's the best one we'll catch you next time everybody goodbye thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast