Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 69: Spitballers Classics: A Scary Situation and a Cartoon Kid Gets DESTROYED! (Ep. 14)

Episode Date: October 21, 2019

With our fearless host away for the week on a well deserved vacation, we bring to you a classic episode from the Spitballers vault. Come along as we re-experience a #Spitwad favorite! --- The situation room is terrifying today! Jason literally screams out loud as he cannot control his emotions in a genuine act of hilarity. Some weird stuff in today's show from seeing your clone to being stranded on an island together. But there are some funny GEMS on today's episode including the introduction of Gargantula and the smackdown of the most annoying cartoon in history. Don't miss this episode of the Spitballers!   Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, Spitwads, today's episode, we are pulling it out of the vault. We are unveiling, letting you get a sneak peek into the back catalog that is only available exclusively for our Spitwad community, spitballerspod.com for more information. If you want to find out how to do that. It's a good one. It's a good one. It is. So we're bringing it. It's a classic from the vault. We're sure that a lot of these new listeners have not heard it. And if you have heard it, get ready to laugh all over again because this is a classic. Here it is.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. It's the Spitballers Podcast once again. I'm excited to be here. I know Jason and Mike are, Mike are happy to be here too. And it is a Monday. It's always a Monday here at the Spitballers.

It's always a Monday. Doesn't matter what day it is. It's always a Monday. And Monday's a good day now. That's the point. Yeah, you want. Now it's like, can I get one of those cases of the mondays please monday needs to rebrand that's what we're trying to do monday fun day your family-friendly weekly

dose of nonsense here the spitballers podcast we have a fun show for you today introducing a new segment and you can follow us on twitter at spitballers pod that's where you can follow us on Twitter at SpitballersPod. That's where you can send us questions and feedback. Answer the polls. Answer our, what, the different drafts that we do. Yeah, we just were coming off the heels of the pizza toppings. I actually don't know who won. Well, here's the deal. I won.

Come on. You had the meat stack. Oh, that's right. Over here. But more importantly, Mike appropriately got bodied in the polls. Oh, I knew the polls were going to be very, very bad. We won't spoil the draft

picks for those of you that are new. Welcome. Glad to have you. Go back and listen. It's a hearty debate. Until Mike's last two picks. Look, it doesn't always... One of them went sideways.

I stand by it. I say don't spoil it for them. Would you say he scrambled your brain? That's not even the one I'm talking about, but yeah. My pick was egg-cellent. All right. I get it. That's funny.

All right. Instagram.com slash spitballerspod. Spitballerspod.com. Let's get into a brand new segment. It's BitballersPod.com. Let's get into a brand new segment. The Situation Room. All right.

The Situation Room is this. You're basically put in a tough situation. We're going to basically decide how we would get out of it. What would we do if we were placed in that pickle? So we're starting here. You're driving down a busy freeway at 70 plus miles an hour and you look up

and on the headliner, Jason, this one's for you. Jason can't even make it through the question. I can't even read the text. There is a spider the size of your hand in the center of the roof i mean his eyes are closed i'm already i'm deceased you're so actually your face is turning red and not this is not a joke listeners jason is going flush wow so look what do you do oh jump out of the car immediately i mean i just it's unbuckle open and roll

and pray you would pass on you're on a freeway it's 70 miles an hour there are cars flying around you and you look up and somehow you miss this i mean i did have a story once i i drove to school once as like a teenager uh i had this really old beat-up car. It had no air conditioning, no heat. No windows. Basically, I always had the windows down because you have to in Arizona. And clearly, a creature had made itself at home. And I remember there was a spider on the opposite door.

And I felt an obligation to keep my eyes on it at all times. That was kind of the... That's where you want to keep your eyes on the road. That's the feeling I had driving, but I wasn't on a freeway going 70 miles an hour. But the opposite door, that's far enough away that you feel like you can keep tabs on what Mr. Spider is up to. You can continue your drive.

This is above your head. This could come down on you and cause more havoc than anything you could ever imagine. This is the worst question ever posted. Forget this show. This is the worst hypothetical question of all time. Would you say it's a tough situation? Yeah, this is definitely a situation.

It's two options for me. Okay. You go fight or flight. Oh, you go punch this thing? Yeah, I'm just saying, this is one of the options. You lose that fight, Mike. Size of your hand. You got the giblets to just throw

fisticuffs at this giant spider. Oh my gosh. You get one chance. Yes, that's the problem. If you're not one punch man, you are getting annihilated when this thing's scurrying. He's gonna grab your fist and he's gonna scurry up your arm and bite your face.

If you miss the spider, you've got a high probability this thing is spinning out of control. Well, it may not want to attack you, but it's at least falling off of the roof. Or scurrying. Scurrying. In any direction. To a place of unknown whereabouts. Here's the truth of what would happen. All jokes aside, I'm not punching the thing.

If you're punching it, then you need to ride shotgun in my car at all times keep me safe this is my my spider puncher yes my spider puncher yeah no more title no more calling uh shotgun it's i call spider put of all the superhero powers that you would have that would be one of the weaker ones just like spider puncher cra's list to add up. I need a bodyguard. Okay, well, what will I be doing? You'll be sitting in my car prepared to punch a spider. Should one arrive. All I hope is that from this point forward, Jason, on the freeway,

is glancing upwards at all times. No, here's the truth. So this is no joke. I'm sitting here rolling myself through this situation in the situation room, and I'm driving. I'm on the freeway. I'm going 70. I'm happy.

Life is good. Maybe I'm listening to, I don't know, an episode of the Spitballers or something. You're a vain person. Listening to himself talk makes sense. I'm listening to some other great podcast that's so much better than this stupid, ridiculous podcast. I would imagine Jason has his own podcast, and it's just kind of like, you're a wonderful man. You're so good looking.

Self-affirmation. You're smart enough. And while I'm driving down, if I were to look up and see a tarantula We're back on the tarantula. Okay, that's how I say it. We're moving on. I see this gargantuan spider right above me. A gargantula. We're back on the show. That's how I say it. We're moving on. I see this gargantuan spider right above me.

Gargantua. I know. Gargantula. Gargantula. If Gargantula is up there. He's trying to get through this. This is like Godzilla. Gargantula.

Gargantula. Oh, man. That movie will come out soon. That's a sequel to the Meg. I'm Googling that. So Gargantula is on the roof i see i know like i if i scare easy i run i walk around the corner the kids my children scare me and i will jump scream and throw things oh i don't i don't want to see what you're looking mike's face after he googled gargantula was disturbed it's what you would

expect okay um here's the honest truth of what would happen i see it i am so overreacting i i saw you during this jason was just a giant demon spider from the depths of hell jason was just showing a picture of a spider from mike held up his laptop just so that you know what's happening jason just pooped peed and everything else if there was a video of this podcast you would know that what i'm about to say is true because my eyes were closed. I barely saw the picture through my eyelids and I almost died of a heart attack. Guys, my heart, my car would immediately 100% not on purpose. Clearly it would start flipping because I would accidentally jerk that wheel to the

side. Yeah, no control over my body and I would cause a 22-car pileup on this busy 70-mile-an-hour freeway. You want a practical joke me there? You're killing people. I have stumbled through the rabbit hole of searching for a gargantula. And that picture came up, which led to another picture.

There is a movie, nay, it seems a series of movies, called Lava Lantula that is about a giant man-sized spider that breathes fire. They don't need to. This needs to go into my Netflix queue immediately. Spiders already wield the power of evil. Lava Lantula.

Michael Winslow's in that movie. Michael Winslow. This is incredible. Mike, what do you do in that situation? I think you try to get that thing away from you to the other end of the car so you can pull over at a safe distance. I know myself and...

Can you slam on the brakes? No, you can't get out on a freeway. You're on a busy freeway. You would have to calmly pull off to the side of the road, and then just another problem arises. Now you've left your car, and there's a giant hand-sized spider inside your car somewhere. This is the worst way to start a show.

I'm in flip-flops right now, and my legs are crawling. I know what I would do. And I would be petrified. I would be a full stone man doing non-stop looking. No moving. Forward, back to spider. Forward, back to spider. But I would continue to

my destination. It's a T-Rex situation. You cannot see me if I don't move. Alright, next situation. You find yourself naked in a hot tub there is a duplicate why am i there is a duplicate of yourself also naked so you wake up in a hot tub and sitting across from you is another naked version of yourself no one's around for miles this is the weirdest go do you do now? Why do we have to be naked? Well, because you're in the hot tub.

I usually wear a swimsuit. Look, it's a situation. Maybe the nakedness lets you know whether or not, maybe you think you've just been cloned. Wow. Maybe you think you've just come out of the Matrix. And do I know? Am I aware?

Am I self-aware that there is no one around for miles? Yes. Or that just happens to be the truth and I don't... Well, you certainly figure that out in a couple of minutes when you wander outside naked and you look around and there's no one. But me. Double me. Double me.

Well, at least I know that this guy's going to tell me I'm smart, good looking, good enough. Is he? Well, according to the podcast that I listen to. But you're very confused as to what has happened. I mean, what do you do in that situation? Man, I guess you got to start with a series of questions, right? You're asking yourself questions? I'm asking him questions, so yes, I guess.

How do you know that you're not the clone in that situation? Oh, don't open that situation You just Don't open that You just ruined my mind Don't open that door Because we're not coming back So you clone Let's say You are able to clone

Yourself fully You have to have the memories You wouldn't be yourself Without the memories Yes because that's Which one am I I told you not to open this door Oh the door's wide open.

This is a garage door. Lift it up. All you are is memories. That is your existence. Well, no, you're. Is memories. And are memories real? Yes.

Are they? Just because something is love real? Yes. But I'm saying. Can't touch it? You, perhaps you woke up this morning. This is the very first day of your life but you have memories that have been implanted into your artificial brain that didn't happen that did that yeah that

could have never really happened or they have or they happened to you i guess you and they cloned you i guess you would have to say that they didn't happen, right? Because think about a crazy person, someone that struggles with... Or your dreams. I mean, your dreams didn't really happen, but they're memories of things that you thought happened. Are we real? Exactly.

That's what I'm saying. You're going down a dangerous path. Hold on. Let's get back to being naked in the hot tub. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, back to regular stuff. Back to reality, okay? No one's around for miles.

Something has happened. Like, my first thought is, look, there's been some apocalypse that has happened. This is a zombie situation. This is the weirdest thing I've ever heard. Yeah, I mean, you get up. You've clearly been cloned, and no one else is around. Something catastrophic has happened to the earth. Step one, find pants.

Yeah, the problem is, I know myself. I'm not going to want to get out of this hot tub because I'm naked. I'm going to wait for them. You can't be embarrassed that your own clone sees you. I think I could. Where am I hanging out in a hot tub where there's no one around for miles?

Am I in a wilderness hot tub? No, you're at the back of a house, but it just so happens everyone is crickets. All right. Everything's gone. Everything's abandoned. I don't think the hot tub's the key here. What is the key? The key is that you've walked.

The key is the nudity. This is inappropriate. The key is not the nudity. You've got clothes on. Fine. You wake up. You've got clothes on. Fine. You wake up. You're soaking wet. Okay.

I'm in a hot tub fully clothed. Fully clothed with another fully clothed version of yourself. I'm far more comfortable with this question. What do you do now? Hey. Hey. Man. I make small talk with myself.

That's something you're not usually. You're not a big small talker. How about this weather oh my gosh all right new new situation the three of you are together and you wake up this one comes in off of our twitter uh the three of you are together and wake up stranded on a desert island by the way fully clothed uh what do you do and what roles would each of you take on so we are now all placed in a situation where we're literally dropped right now onto a desert island. We need help.

We need food. Let me ask you this, Jason, because I watch Survivor. Yes. And look, I know the basics of survival. I've watched a lot of those shows. I know the answers, but I don't know if you do. So I want to know what you would do. All right.

We're like, Jason, Mike and I are injured. What is step one? What's step one for you? Step one is shelter. He already said food. Step one is shelter. You are correct. You got to build a shelter, have shelter,

and then I think food or source of water is right there. Now, look, I probably would reverse that order because I'm already starving talking about this. And I'd be like, oh, let's see if there's some berries around here, some coconuts. But I do think shelter would be most important. Thankfully, I got you two there with me. Right?

I feel like we could get the shelter on lockdown. We could take care of that. Fire. Starting fire would be tough. Jason would probably need... We'd need to use the glasses. Jason's got the glasses. You can...

That's a good plan. Yeah. You can magnify the sun's rays with the glasses. Have either of you ever tried... To just straight up start fire? To start a fire with like stick and... I mean, as a child where you know that this works somehow. I've done the magnifying glass thing to melt crayons and...

Ants? Ants. Yeah, that's a big... Oh, come on. You grew up in Arizona. If you didn't take a magnifying glass to the ferocious ants that are everywhere trying to eat you alive, by the way.

I can neither confirm nor deny I'm remembering a terrible story oh no it's story time oh my god I love it Mike goes skip it I go it's story time Andy you've got the final vote here well it's appropriate are you going to influence young minds

I will I'll pass okay look as a small child you don't know what to do in the world. And it's in line with the ants situation. I didn't kill a cat or anything. Lay off me. All right. I'm going to be put in charge.

I'm a serial killer. I will clearly be put in charge of food. Okay? Okay. That seems fair. The three of us are there. You'll either find it or you'll be it in charge of food. Okay? Okay. That seems fair. The three of us are there. You'll either find it or you'll be it. Oh, man.

If you don't find it, Mike and I are going to... I would be the most delicious. That is true. The most filling. That's also true. My first thought was, so we're on an island? Yeah. I'm assuming that we're on a tropical locale. island yeah i'm assuming that there we're on a tropical

locale to be clear jason this is not a dessert island it's a deserted island oh shoot i was gonna find all the bananas see well either if bananas or coconuts i was putting myself in charge of gathering coconuts nope i got food find your own job mike you know how are you getting up to the tree jason? Climb it? What do you mean? What a dumb question. You think I brought a ladder? Yeah, no.

Okay. So you're telling me that you can climb. Yeah, Mike, that is kind of, you're saying that in a way where like, I can easily shimmy up a coconut tree. Yeah. How strong are your inner thighs, Mike? You don't climb with your thighs, you climb with your feet. Yeah, you could climb up this tree.

Yes. But I could not. You climb with your feet. Yeah. You could climb up this tree. Yes. But I could not. Yes. What? Yes. Mike, you're really confident you could climb a coconut tree? Yeah. We're having a coconut tree off in the near future. I'm not sure we are.

There is no way that I can't climb as high as you on a coconut tree. I guarantee it. Based on what? Are there coconut trees we can test this theory with? I mean, this is a very- It looks like we're going to Hawaii. Yeah. Business expense.

Wow. Okay. I'm getting the coconuts. So Mike's dealing with coconuts. All right. Well, that's actually fair, because I wouldn't waste my time with that. I'm going after meat. Now, the thing is, is Jason's looking for food, but I've taken his glasses to start

the fire. So Jason's looking for food, but he has no vision. He's a blind man wandering a deserted island. We're getting poison berries for sure. Oh, yeah. No, I don't do vegetables or fruit. You said you were going to look for berries and bananas. That's really fair.

But then I just pivoted to meat. How are you going to find meat? Oh, are you kidding? The meat finds me. And then I kill it. What are you, like, slathering up? No, but the boar. He's the bait.

There's going to be some boar on the island. Cover him with honey. You know, I'm walking around. And let a dinosaur find us. He sees me. He's got his little tusks out. And I'm like, bring it on, boar. Do you know that boars are incredibly dangerous?

Oh, I do. Do you know that I am incredibly dangerous? I will tackle this boar. Just to be clear, in this situation, Mike is shimmying up a coconut tree with ease. Yes. Jason is wrestling a boar for food. Also with ease. And you're blind.

And Andy is quickly the last person alive. I'm popping my inhaler we have very elevated opinions of what we could be doing yeah yeah okay i'm writing sos in the sand getting us off this island that's what i'm doing let's move on that's a great question all right this one comes in off of Twitter at rflim21. What inanimate object do you wish you could eliminate from existence? That's an interesting question. That's a great question.

If only spiders were inanimate. So you just want something gone. Like, would glitter count? Yeah, certainly. If I wanted all glitter. You got a problem with glitter? All glitter just gone from the world. Oh, man.

Then my existence would cease. I have glitter on me at all times from my wife. My wife is the glitter queen. He is literally saying I want Jason's wife gone from existence because she is made of glitter. What is your wife's opinion of Mariah Carey? I don't know. What is your wife's opinion of Mariah Carey? I don't know.

We, I mean, we've never really sat down and had a tea and said, let's talk Mariah. Let's talk Mariah. She's the star of the smash movie Glitter. I see where you went, and I think that that's where you went. I'm not saying I would eliminate Glitter. I'm just asking if that qualified. That's the type of thing you're saying. Yeah, sure. I mean, anything that doesn't have life.

You could have done like a sweet potato. Well, that has life. I mean. Yeah, I guess that is. That's disqualified food. Okay. I mean, because that's a plant. A plant is not inanimate.

Sure, exactly. I don't know. I'm trying to think through how you would possibly do this, but I want to get rid of corners. What? What does that mean? Because I'm... What is this, Zoolander? What's going on here?

I am so tired of stubbing my toe on the corner of something because it sticks out a little bit further than you think it does. You want all things to be curved. Everything is curved. That's why I'm trying to work out the logistics in my head. Either it's curved or the table, the very bottom of it, is further inset to prevent the stow tubbage. All I saw is –

I'm pretty sure no matter whether there's a corner or not, you can still hit your toe on something. No, not if there is a dedicated carved out region for feet. There's no longer, according if you get rid of corners, there's no longer solid square intersections, right?

Because that's a corner. All roundabouts. All roundabouts everywhere, or at least a nice curved entry. Speaking of the road and roundabouts, I can tell you my inanimate object I'm getting rid of. The Prius. The Toyota Prius? The Toyota Prius is gone from existence.

Wow. Look, I realize it might be helpful to the environment, but go all the way, get a Tesla. Go all the way. Either get a Prius. Look, we don't want Prius. Just buy the Tesla. Call the land. Either get a Prius. Look, we don't want Prius. Just buy the super car. Just buy the Tesla. Yeah, exactly.

You're going to send like the Leaf. Look, I don't have any problem with a helpful, environmentally friendly car. That's great. I have a problem with the Prius. Okay. And what happens to human beings when they get inside of it? I know people that have a Prius. I love them. I don't love

them inside of this vehicle. And that's what's crazy, Mike. You say that's still a thing because a long time ago when Prius first came out, I was like, oh my gosh, a Prius on the road. They felt pretty good about themselves. And it's like they don't know how to drive. My father had a Prius. When I rode in that thing, I felt

far greener than everyone else. Oh, man. You're all a bunch of polluters. I just feel like they don't know how to drive in that car. That car has limitations inside that remove your ability to drive well. I thought you were referring to the arrogance, the fart sniffiness of one who they feel that they are. The road vegans? Yeah, sure.

Yes. Sure. Yeah, so in this, I'm just simply helping the world. Not the planet, but the world. Yeah, I'll go with glitter. Okay. Although one of us should have said guns or something, but whatever.

Prius, get them out of here. All the weapons in the world. Get all those efficient cars out of the road. Goodness gracious. Okay. Next question. This one comes in from Eerie Dynamic. What is the best show you've had to watch because of your kids?

So your kids force you into this situation. We're all dads. We all have three children we all turn the netflix or the cable on for them and then you end up you know maybe you're on your phone or your computer maybe you're watching the show with them they're like dad watch it with me dad watch it with me yeah there's the best what's the show you're like oh i kind of want to see what happens next there's a show that I got absolutely sucked into. Like, my daughter, Jersey, was not allowed to watch the series finale without me.

I would have been so pissed. Really? Yes, truly. This has to be a Disney show. No, I mean, it was so good. And I'm like, she's like, oh, I'm at the last episode. And I was going on a trip. We were traveling for the Fantasy Footballers doing the Fantasy for the People tour. And I'm like, you have to wait till I'm back.

And she did. Thank you, Jurors. No, it's Girl Meets World. Okay. Because I grew up watching Boy Meets World. And it's the same people you got. It's a panga. Corey, right?

You got Corey. Is the friend still there? Is Mr. Feeney in there? Oh, Mr. Feeney's absolutely. Who's the friend still there? Is Mr. Feeney in there? Oh, Mr. Feeney's absolutely. Who's the friend? Sean? Sean, yep. He's in there.

I mean, and then there's this- Mr. Feeney's still out there. Yes. He's still alive. He's kicking it. I was shocked, man. In the season finale- He's an elder gentleman.

He is not a young lad anymore. Is he still giving great life lessons, though? Oh, of course you always listen to mr feeney i mean that's just that's just common knowledge but um yeah i loved it it was a great show got canceled too early i would uh for me the answer is any baking show in existence oh yeah because none of them like when I'm browsing my own Netflix, I'm not clicking a baking show. I'm just not.

They never, it's like... What about a baking show? I know, every time he says it, he's saying bacon, and I'm getting really hungry over here. The reality is that the way that any cooking show of any kind, it could be the most niche thing,

you know what I mean? It could be cupcake show, or bagel show, or whatever it is. Or bacon show. Or bacon show. I never think I mean? It could be Cupcake Show or Bagel Show or whatever it is. Or Bacon Show. Or Bacon Show. I never think I want to watch them, but my kids love them. Would you say that those shows are just sizzling?

I would say they are delicious. So I would say I get sucked into all those. My Mariah Carey reference is bad and you're bringing that? Oh, the bacon jokes were great. Because here's the difference. Everybody listening heard him say it's a bacon show you heard it right i did so that you you're the cooking show i think it's the i get into those two it's the completionist it's the i have to see what does the final product look like that's's where they get me. Master Chef Junior was a massive hit in my house and creates so many messes because my kids want to play Master Chef Junior.

And it's not okay to say, okay, well, then you guys get to make the chicken nuggets. No, they want to make a masterpiece with flour. And it becomes very messy. The one show that I watched every single episode with the boy was the reboot of the Ninja Turtles. It was fantastic. It might still be going on. I'm not sure. But we would record it.

And it was Sundays. There was new episodes. And I would look in the DVR and I would freak out. Oh, there's a new episode. And I had the exact opposite where I even considered, should I watch this? My boy is not available to watch this show right now. Should I check out what happened to old Michelangelo?

Wow. I wish my kids were into that show. Oh, it was fantastic. What's the worst? Oh, that it was fantastic. What's the worst? Oh, that's another one. The worst show you've had to endure from the kids. Oh, man. I know the list is huge.

Oh, what's the bald little boy? Oh, freaking Caillou? Caillou is the worst. That annoying little... He's bald. He's like six years old in this show. Why is he bald? Oh my gosh, I hate Caillou.

If you couldn't tell. Oh yeah, you hit a home run there. Caillou, he does. He's full Charlie Brown in it. He is a whiny baby. How does one spell Caillou? No, no, no. C-A-I-L-L-O-U.

Oh, Caillou. Exactly. Just look at how he spells. Think about his name. His name is Caillou. That's the Prius of kids shows. Oh, he's going to grow up and drive a Prius if they still existed. Wow.

So Caillou has eyebrows. He just has no hair. Yeah, he's bald. They shaved his head. His parents shaved his head his parents and all his friends i'm looking at his friends they all have hair watch one episode to see over under 50 times whiny baby stuff come out of that kid's mouth and it's supposed to be like this calm like okay one of those yeah it's just a whiny baby yeah what wow uh so? Wow. So there's a chain of people that have asked the question,

does, because I was worried about this when you went off on the baldness. Does he have a... Does he have cancer? So people have searched... Oh, goodness. Does Caillou have cancer? And here's the response. If you're not familiar, you lucky person,

Caillou is a despicable, spineless, four-year-old boy who cannot do anything. He can't grow hair, not because he has cancer or progeria, but because he sucks. And even his own body recognizes that he does not deserve hair or food or love. Yes! Get bodied, Caillou! So that is the... If you search for why is kaiju bald that's the answer you get oh no google answers which may be the funniest thing i have heard in a really long time oh my goodness the internet is undefeated. Oh, it certainly is. So Caillou is the worst.

I agree with that. Unanimous decision. I'm actually okay with the chill shows like The Little Bear or what's the... Franklin. Franklin. I know you guys hate those, but I'm like a big Mr. Rogers fan. I like silence for kids. I think it's important for kids to have...

Oh, did you? I rented that. And you had never grown up with Mr. Rogers And you had never grown up with Mr. Rogers. I had never grown up with Mr. Rogers. Paid $5.99 on Apple to rent it. Won't you be my neighbor? Won't you be my neighbor? And then we paused it, made some food,

and I realized I don't want to watch this. I want to watch Ozark. I still have not watched it, but it's on the list. You've got 24 hours then. That was 48 hours ago. You've thrown $6 into the garbage garbage i believe kids need some quiet i believe it's good for them to have time to process things so i like little bear i like that but kai is over the top yeah all right my kids were like a yo gaba gaba it was insane man i love yo yo gaba gaba is

the essence of throwing a thousand cans of paint at the wall. I mean, it's just... It's the modern day paint chips for children. Yeah, I agree with that. It's the... Eat up. Ooh, there's something shiny. The Jack Black episode of Yo Gabba Gabba...

I've watched it over a thousand times. ...is legendary. That's the best thing I've ever watched with my kids. Yes. Yeah. That show was great. All right, let's move on. Yes.

Yeah. That show was great. All right. Let's move on. Would you rather? Would you rather? This one comes in from Krigs808 on Twitter. Would you rather live in a zombie apocalypse or an alien invasion?

You know, what's funny is just a detour. As you think about your answer for this i watched that uh the shop on hbo it's called the shop oh is that the lebron james barber shop and they were talking about john stewart was on it and he was talking about how tribal people are right like yes we are a tribal people we try to find people that do what we do or think how we think or look how we look, and then we band together against other people. We've always been that way. And if there wasn't things like religion to fight over,

we would fight over something else because we're tribal. And he said, you want to get everybody on the same page? Aliens. Aliens. Because then we would be banded together as a tribe of humans against the aliens. Right. So aliens or zombies, what situation? That's a really intriguing point you bring up.

So the zombie apocalypse, I have spent countless hours. This was one of the most important topics of discussion when I was growing up in high school. We were all huge fans of night of the living dead zombie movies how would you survive what would you do and i'm trying to quickly break down this question analyze which is worse what where's the threat because the thing about zombie movies is you get into it and you figure out that the enemy is actually other people. Because that becomes the biggest threat. I see.

Because you're fighting for a limited amount of resources, protection, those things. Exactly. And you can't trust anyone. You can't trust people. Maybe they've been bit. Jason is cackling. I'm just remembering the Caillou comment. That guy put some work on Caillou.

Continue. And so I think that an alien invasion is actually where you want to be. And for exactly the reason that Jon Stewart talked about is it would be independent state. And of course, I mean, the Americans would come through and we would have to save the entire. Wait, you just said we'll all band together, but we're the ones that are going to come through and we would have to save the entire... Wait, you just said we'll all band together, but we're the ones that are going to come through. America. That doesn't mean we're not all on the same team.

This is the human race. Yeah. But the Americans are better. It's all one. We're just better. But the alien invasion, I think that's where you would want to be. I'm definitely taking

the zombie apocalypse because when the aliens show up to invade they're superior well they could be they could also show up and be like little slugs that you step on what if it's mars really but then again they flew across the that's my boy they flew across the if If aliens invade after we are able to also invade another alien planet, then whatever. Game on. It's a fight. But there are a lot more variables, I feel like, with the alien situation. Yeah.

I mean, they could just be... The odds of them being at a level in which we are an even match seem impossible. Of all the things that could ever happen, if they show up, it's doubtful that they're like two arms, two legs, human-sized body and strength and we can have a real duel. It's more like...

They whip out their guns. Yeah, what's the... Starship Troopers. That's more likely. Where they're giant bugs that just... You know, you're a shish kebab. I feel like you could escape the stupidity of brainless zombies. Get yourself to some island where other people have gotten to and rebuild.

Well, we've already been there. We prepped that island up. Jason's got the food. Mike's got... I got coconuts. He's up in a tree. He's double safe. Yeah, I'll probably just stay up there.

I'm about to go walk all over your SOS in the sand. Don't get me off this island. But I definitely think higher probability of living against zombies. It's not the zombies, though. You're also up against other humans. I'm already up against other humans. Actually, that's kind of the narrative in a lot of those books, like The Road. Even though there's no zombies in The Road, the Cormac McCarthy book and movie,

you're basically in a situation where you become, look, historically, people are bad, bad, bad things. Yeah, they do bad things. When you war, things like that, people are not good. When it's me surviving or you surviving you are correct if you have not seen the road have you seen it jason only outside by my car great great thank you thank you jason was bad uh i saw it i i watched the road kind of shortly after my first boy was born we've talked about this that was that was a mistake it will it will wreck you the book is just spelled like in the road it's by cormac mccarthy it's one

the book is a thousand times better than the movie but it is is that a prius thing to say yes okay but i feel like i guess i guess what happens when you read a book you put so much time and effort into it and then someone comes along and they want to be with you on the movie, and that's just not right. Mike, you don't get to jump in on my book. I've had the book read to me. Oh, really? Yeah.

Oh, okay. When he was five. Yeah. No, I did the audio book. Oh, okay. You're in. I have experienced both. Do you agree with the 1,000 times better?

No. Is that the average ratio from book to movie? 1,000, yes. I think they're both fantastic. Harry Potterter books superior movies great yeah i agree with that depth anyway yes uh people people are bad but check it out would you rather this one from screaming nachos this will we'll wrap it up here uh would you rather be a villain who never loses or a superhero that never wins? So you're a villain that never loses or a superhero that never wins. Can I?

Yes. You can change it if you want. No. This is tough. Or Caillou. Or Caillou. Let's get back on besmirching Caillou, the cartoon little kid. Go ahead. The floor is yours.

I don't want to be bad. It is not my desire to be bad, but... You like winning. I have to win. I think if you just put all the cards on the table, that's the most important thing is winning. Is winning? I mean, what good are you as a superhero if you always lose?

That's an excellent question, but let me ask you this then. Let's frame this with does a superhero like Batman, let's go DC Universe because they have a pretty strict, we will capture all bad guys. Batman, how many times has he captured the Joker? And technically he won only to find that the Joker has broken out, wreaked havoc, has attacked hundreds of innocent people, has, in fact, killed hundreds of innocent people. Why doesn't the superhero kill these people? But that's the question. Have they ever

have you won if the supervillain is always breaking out? So what you're telling me is Deadpool wins, Batman loses. I've always been curious about this. Does that make Deadpool a villain because of that? If you're killing...

How do you define hero? Is Deadpool the best super villain? Is he the answer to this question? Because he's both? He's clearly not a good guy. Are you a good guy killing bad guys? This is a Dexter situation. Are you a good guy killing bad guys? I don't know.

This is a Dexter situation. You know? Are you a good guy if you're just killing bad guys? Here's the problem with that principle. When you kill somebody to save lives, you don't actually get to know how many people they would have killed. If you could have a, you know what I mean? Like if you knew, let me ask you this.

We're going to convert this, would you rather. Hypothetically, Jason, you know that you're walking down the street and there's a person at the end of the block. Okay. And then someone tells you that person kills 50 people next week. Okay. What do you do? I just ignore the person that does not know the future.

What do you do? And I walk on, I go, okay, crazy person. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, because you've been told that? Yeah, I'm not trusted. So you're doing... Someone that tells me this guy's going to murder 50 people? You're blowing up the question.

Because 10 minutes ago, that guy was like, I'm going to get this sucker so good. I'm bailing you for real. You know for real. It's not this guy. If this guy just appeared out of nowhere... No, it's not about the guy. It's about the fact you have real knowledge that this person down the street is going to kill somebody.

Going to kill 50 children. I lock him up. I mean, like, genuinely, I'm the Batman. You're Batman. Deadpool would not do that. No, no, he would not. I'd put him in jail. What if your only choice was to ignore it

I'd never ignore or take him out I'd take him down you'd take him down? I'd take him down all the way that's my best Batman impersonation it's the worst so that's the dilemma right

I Mike would you kill the person if you knew it saved lives? Would you take one life to save 50 lives? Right. It's weird. I don't know, man. You don't want to answer.

How different is it on a street corner versus in war? Right, right. Well, this is the whole baby Hitler thing. This is the whole would you kill a baby if you knew it was baby Hitler. Oh, this is terrible. I know, but this is for a different podcast with a daily dose of nonsense. I'm sorry.

We're going down the rabbit hole. Let's get back to Caillou. Would you take out Caillou? I would absolutely take out Caillou if it meant nobody had to ever watch that show. Just get a real strong eraser and you've handled it. Yeah, that's fair. Or just draw. What if he had hair?

How much would that help? It wouldn't help much. Okay, he doesn't get hair, but he gets a really, really sweet mustache. That's hair. So, villain that never loses, superhero that never wins. I'm going to be the villain that never loses Superhero that never wins I'm gonna be The villain that never loses You want the power I'm ashamed

But I think that's my answer That shouldn't be my answer It shouldn't You've revealed a lot about yourself Oh no What did you do Mike I'm with Jason yourself on this show. Oh no. Winning above everything. What'd you do, Mike? I'm with Jason.

All right. I think I'd be the superhero that never wins. I like odds like that. Of course. You like impossible odds? Yes. If Mike and I are the villains. You've lost. No.

Yeah. There's no superheroes winning. So that's why the superhero doesn't win. It's because we chose poorly. What'd you guys learn today? I know what I learned today. I learned that Mike had a very unequivocated, perfect confidence that at any moment... I stand by it.

He could shimmy up a coconut tree. I stand by it. He could shimmy up a coconut tree. No problem. Somebody's been doing those... Who are the calisthenics where you squeeze the knees together. Oh, Susan.

No, Susan Summers, the thigh master. Yeah, the thigh. I'm doing it right now. You can't see it. You've been doing it under the desk of every podcast. That's what I learned today. I learned that the gargantula is a real thing and a terrifying and the lava is the lava.

And I learned that Jason puts winning Gargantula is a real thing and a terrifying ghost. And the lava land. It's the lava land. And I learned that Jason puts winning above literally everything else. His own moral and ethic. It's not true. I learned that Caillou. Oh, God, body. He just shaves on purpose. It's a choice.

Maybe it's Mr. Cleave. As a kid? Yeah. Whoa. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. If you want to hear more, if you want access to the full archive, ad-free, go to SpitballersPod.com.

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