Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 7: To Poop or Not To Poop and a Condiment Contest - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 30, 2018

Would you rather go without the internet or without necessities like AC and heating? The guys also get heated over their passion for condiments. In a four round condiment draft, one team winds up clearly superior. But most importantly, the Spitballers come to the rescue of a man who has some poopy decisions to make.  Be sure to subscribe and drop a five star rating for the Spitballers Comedy Podcast if you enjoy it and follow the show @SpitballersPod.  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Ah, we're back! Yet another delicious episode of the Spitballers Podcast. I'm Andy Holloway, joined as always by this fine music. I'm keeping it palatable over here. Mike Wright is here, Jason Moore is here.

Savory. I'm excited for this show. We've got some life advice we're going to dish out. And we're going to help some people. And we've got a Would You Rather. We've got a fun mock draft. I believe we're drafting condiments. It could be our most. You said it's a delicious show.

Yes. It could be. Foreshadowing. The most delicious show of all time. When we're talking food food this is kind of like where i always win so the superhero draft did not go so well for this guy yeah twitter was not kind no uh but i'm i'm coming back with a vengeance today uh look i'm a condiment king when when a a group of normal just regular human beings has a chance to defeat your superheroes in a fight, you're not going to win.

What? I know your draft. I want to start this show and just say thank you to everybody who is listening, subscribing, and has given us feedback on the show. And sharing the show. And sharing the show. And sharing the show. Let me say this. And reviewing the show on Apple Podcasts and appreciate everybody that's subscribing over there. I'll be honest with you.

I wasn't sure if this show was going to land or not. You know, we did this. Oh, he of little faith. And people are really enjoying it. We had a live show for our other podcast, The Fantasy Footballers, and we had a live show for our other podcast, the Fantasy Footballers, and we had a meet and greet afterwards. And I must have heard about the Spitballers podcast 25, 30 times

because people were having fun with it. They had their kids. They love listening to it. They love the questions. Everybody takes a side on the Spitballers podcast. You're either a cave dweller or you're in the treehouse. In the treehouse. Yeah.

And the drafts, people take a side. And nobody, I think, takes sides more than with condiments. I've seen people get furious about certain condiments. I'm actually worried that this is going to be our last show because the fights that are going to come when I draft mustard and someone says it's a bad condiment, I mean, I'm just going to break up the band. It's over.

The other show's done too. I will make you a promise, Jason. Okay. When you draft mustard, I won't say it's a bad condiment. Okay. I can't wait. And when you draft mustard, I won't say, darn, I wish I could have drafted Mustard.

Okay. Hey, before we get into our life advice segment, we did want to read one of those fine reviews from the Spitball listeners. Oh, you didn't want to? You're holding back the name. So people want a name. We've gone through some different options. The Spitoons.

I don't think the Spitoons is the right answer. So do we just want to throw them all out there and see what people gravitate towards? Or are we nominating what we think is the best? I think they're the Spitwads. The Spitwads. I love it. I love it. Nothing is more.

I would never want to be anything greater than a Spitwad. No, that's pretty much like you grow up thinking, I'm totally a Spitwad. Yeah. I mean, you listen to the Spitballers, you than a spitwad no that's pretty much like you grow up thinking i'm totally a spitwad yeah i mean you listen to the spitballers you're a spitwad it's it's a lot less gross than my nominations which was the fleming's oh spelled with a ph i thought you were gonna say the loogies the loogies that's good too all right let's read a review review asaurus regs this one comes in from ray 331995 wait there's a lot of rays out there come on ray yeah uh he says five stars listen to this podcast and gain three best friends when you listen to andy mike and jason you end up having a great time laughing along with inside jokes and witty references even though you're probably alone in your car listen to jason try to talk mike make too many 55 references and grandpa andy

attempt to keep the episodes on track in an incredibly fun podcast. Hmm. I liked that one mostly because I don't think we've really established that you're the grandfather on this show yet. I certainly am. Yeah. Well, thank you, Ray397-AX. He's not. What I know from that is he's not one of the first Rays No That has existed

He's one of the ladders Unless, unless Maybe he is 33 years old Born in 1995 Although I don't think the math works out on that So probably not I just did some digging Because I thought

Is there someone who has the Twitter handle Ray? Sure, is it Romano? No, it's Charles It's some fella named Ray Is there someone who has the Twitter handle Ray? Sure. Is it Romano? No. Charles? It's some fella named Ray, and his header picture is him taking a nice jog. Is he verified? Nope. He is Ray.

We don't even know if he is a Ray. He joined in November of 2006, so if you wanted to get at Tim or at Bob, you had to be in 2006. You had to buy into the Twitter. Follow us on Twitter, by the way, at SpitballersPod, and we'll let you know about everything happening with the show. It's time for some life advice. Spitballers to the rescue.

Just gets you in that relaxed mood, the kind of mood you need to be pl know be pliable take in some uh important advice this question comes in speaking of pliable from big p big p sent it in on our website spitballerspod.com hey spitballers i have a problem and i'm hoping y'all can help me out i enjoy parties and going over to friends houses for social gatherings but i find myself in a dilemma to poop or not to poop i find that every time i host a party or go over to a to a friend's house for a party i have to go number two any tips on what i should do oh big p is i understand his name a little better first uh does he just have a full bowel trigger when it comes to parties? You know how people go to, you know, some people, they go to work in the morning

and then like, you know, 30 minutes after they walk in and have their cup of coffee, they have their, you know, getting regular. There's mechanisms and things. I know someone. His nervous tick is a. Look, I know somebody who cannot. This is a true story. It's a nervous two.

They cannot go to Goodwill without pooping. Every time they go. No, no, no. I'm not. You need to unpack this situation. I'm telling you, I didn't believe it. Goodwill? No way.

But something about the pheromones of all the used product just really say oh it's time it's time to do a duty this is one of the grossest things i've ever heard in my life it's so true though do they go to goodwill when they're feeling yeah backed up backed up i gotta go the doctor prescribed some goodwill uh so i'm gonna go there and and do a duty but this is this is a real problem here the big p has because look i assume that nobody out there likes being a public pooper no no one no one enjoys it no you got the worries right you're at a party you're hosting an event i just heard dave chappelle talk about the fact that one of his worst sets ever was he had to go really bad before he went out for an hour of comedy.

He made it through, but then he had to drive back to his hotel because he would not go at the facility. It's one of his nervous tick. Wow. And so this is the opposite. I can't get out of my head the thought of the Goodwill employees eventually recognizing why

you're going. That guy never buys anything. Oh, no. Jim is here again. Can I help you with anything? Lock the bathroom. But, yeah, you go to parties. Do you feel this way when you are at a party?

If you've got to go. I used to. You used to feel this way. You don't anymore. Is this because you are now aged and you don't care? Yeah. Do you bring some matches everywhere you go? I mean, REM had that super famous song, right? Everybody Poops.

What? It's actually Everybody Hurts, Jason. Okay. But it was just a play on the song. Sing it, Jason. Everybody Poops. Sometimes. Look, we all do it.

When you got to go, you got to go. Not me. Wait, what? You don't? Oh, not me. You don't poop? No, there's certain places it's not happening. Really?

Look, if I go on a camping trip, it ain't happening. You're not a bear. Look, I worry about the length of a camping trip because if I go four days, I'm going four days. Really? Oh, yeah. I'll just suck that up. This is not a healthy situation.

Now, is that simply you won't go in the woods? If you were at a campgrounds that had a porta potty, you're fine? It's not just like a I don't pee with trees around? No, I'm not embarrassed of the trees. So it's an outside situation. It's a no toilet situation. All right. My number one tip for you, big big p if you're going to a party

because clearly you know you've got a goodwill situation going on with parties you just bring a book of matches everything is fine you just you go in is that real i was i just tuned andy into this strategy can i share hotel rooms from time to time while we travel, we do the live shows? It works. Wow. One match is all you need. I don't know why it works. It has to do with the sulfur, I believe, of the match strike.

But whatever crazy awesome science is going on, it's gone. It's like you lit it. You lit the scent on fire. Wow. See, I would just cause a distraction. I'd get some big event party thing going on in the backyard. Happening across the house? Just in the back.

Everybody, come out here. Check this out. This guy's doing this crazy. And then I'm sprinting inside. You do a speed poop? Yeah, I'm going to go upstairs where, you know, cross that rope. Nobody upstairs. I was imagining you breaking an item in their house just to distract.

Like, you throw something through the television so everyone's mad at you for that. But they are no longer upset that you have taken a horrifying smelly dump in their house. He's just pouring out bottles of cologne in the sink and all over the counter all right next question is it acceptable to leave your kids at the daycare inside of grocery stores even if you are not shopping uh frankie b on twitter had this question to us little free babysitting action right here they have furniture stores here in arizona that have the wonderful amazing daycare situation where you you sign your kid in and you can walk around a store without the kid you know pushing every button on every recliner and and being bored

there's a fries grocery store by our house. They used to have it. No longer. And it may be because Frank B was dropping the kids off and saying, I got some more errands to run. Watch my kiddos. Yeah. The problem with that is Frank B is probably not from here. But you know who is from there? This guy.

And we. Would you ever do that? Have done it. No. Oh, no. Okay. Okay. So here's what we have done.

Okay? This is true. This is a true story. We have taken the kids there and hung out at the Starbucks inside. Acceptable. Just for like 45 minutes. No shopping. It's just like, oh, we need a break.

We're going to take them there. They enjoy. There's like some video games, some drawing. So you're not shopping at the store. you're not buying merchandise from the grocery store you are sitting at starbucks yeah we're just taking advantage of it you know what he has done no no it's not a loophole you are a consumer you have spent money at at this retail place right and for me it's it's a matter of you cannot leave the store if you're doing it if you're gonna drop them off i'm fine you want to go hang out at starbucks i get it i want that 45 minute break maybe you just need to poop yeah maybe does goodwill have a drop off for the kids

oh i'm not leaving my kids at the goodwill drop off my man i am gonna go ahead and my parenting level has to at least be better than that. The fries, the grocery store, the super elite luxury furniture store, I trust that they're going to watch the kids. The goodwill ain't happening. So you've done that. That's nice. That's well done. Yeah, thank you.

You know, we did also, we took it to the limit. There's a time limit, right? There's a time limit. It's like two hours. Why don't all stores, right? There's a time limit, but it's like two hours. Why don't all stores have this? Seriously, probably because people abuse it. But we've taken it to the limit and gone in the plaza. It's like, oh, we're next door, but that's scary.

You broke my rule. Because if they paid you. I said you cannot leave the store. What do they do with the kids when the parents don't come back? They kick them out. Under the street? They say you're on your own. Wow. That's legal. Yeah, that makes sense. I have a

moral dilemma, says at Chatters 67 on Twitter. Oh, hey Chatters. That's like a mixture of Chad and bladder. Cheddar? You went with bladder. I have a moral dilemma over napping at work. Okay okay i can see that

your tired brain doesn't work as well as your power napped brain but nobody is paying me to nap what do i do i think this is a wonderful a wonderful question for this world because it's true the science behind napping is that your brain is actually functioning at a higher level if you nap like and there are many famous people benjamin franklin and winston churchill and um jason moore jason moore there are artists in the past like uh the da vincis of the day that napped frequently thomas jefferson was a napper so so because how are all these people getting naps in? And some of them, they do these power naps, right, where you sit in a chair, right?

You hold on to something loud, like a coin, a loud coin or something like that. A loud coin? Well, sorry, that's not the right way to describe it. Something heavy that would make noise if it dropped. And the second you fall asleep, you drop the coin and it wakes you because they believe the second you get into actual sleep, that's how you get, what do they call it?

Like the creative, it can stir up a creative moment in your brain. That's what artists have believed before. This is the equivalent of the unplug, replug. What is that? Oh, that's the technological. That's how you fix every single piece of technology. I always blow my son's mind because he's tried everything and he can't get whatever to work.

And I'm just like, watch this. Bloop. Because if you're not actually sleeping, you're not going into REM and if you wake yourself up instantly. They believe it sparks creative ideas. I don't doubt it. I do not doubt it. For me, I have a nap issue, and that is...

I can't nap. Well, it's not an easy thing for me to do, but my problem is even if I do that, if I fall asleep for any amount of time during the day as a nap, your instant reboot, if I fall asleep for any amount of time during the day as an app and your instant reboot if i fall asleep for five minutes two hours it doesn't matter my regular sleep time is screwed like you can't get to sleep later we're talking you take my bedtime add two hours onto it because my body is confused my body was tricked into thinking well you slept you got rest you gotta you gotta add 40 to 45 pounds onto your frame and then you can sleep anytime you want

this is my trick you are incredible by the way thank you in so many ways your superpowers if it's not jason falls asleep on the plane before it leaves the runway. Yes. How do you not? How do you stay awake when you're... How do you sleep sitting up? I don't know how to stay awake in most situations. Let me ask you this. Do you believe you could sleep standing up? If something was holding my body up, absolutely.

That's a lean. You're using a crush. You're leaning on the wall. Literally. We're talking, can you stand up and sleep? I'm going to have to find out. I'm going to have to try it. For science.

That would be a YouTube video I would be entertained by. A man standing. How long would it take to fall asleep? Standing up and you're just like, oh, my legs are so tired. I don't think you could do it. I don't think you can do it, but we got to try. Would you fall over? You have to fall over.

So you have to set restrictions because you set this up. If he falls asleep standing up, he wins. Oh, yeah. Yes, at all. Even if I just fall asleep and the coin drops. Yeah, which would be your head in this case. But if he just lays down eventually, we said, okay. No, this is like we put on a Nest Cam with the night vision.

With the time lapse. Yeah, with the time lapse. And he's in a dark. It has to be just pitch black. And he's just standing in the middle of the room. And we say, go. This sounds terrifying. I mean, that's a Blair Witch situation.

I'm going to get some knee braces tight. You're going to need a helmet. Where I can't bend my knees so that hopefully when I fall asleep, I can stay standing. That's my goal. Here's my issue of napping at work, and this is true. I've said this to you guys before. I'll have this tired day. Oh, I'm exhausted. I want to go take a nap go take a nap you know whatever but when i nap a

chainsaw appears it does lumber lumberjacks many of them i am a loud snore monster and so it's a social it's a social problem i feel like i'm. I feel like I'm not allowed to sleep like airplanes. When I sit on an airplane and the person next to me has headphones, ear, earplugs in, I'm like, it's on, it's on. I'm sleeping. That's funny. I feel like more employers should be like, all right, you guys, everybody needs to take a 30 minute nap.

You can decide when you do it. Like, if you had a 30-minute regular break and a 30-minute nap break. No way. Required. No way. Because everyone would oversleep. You can't regulate the beginning of the nap and the end of the nap. No, no.

I said whatever you want. I know. That's what I'm saying. You can't regulate that across company. You need a mandatory nap time. And you get those blue mats. Is it like kindergarten i was gonna say i just want a room where you have to bring your own like pillow and it's just a nappery

that's a good name how long is a normal lunch like 30 minutes 30 minute it just depends on if you work for a crappy place or good yeah so if we can get lunches let's bump the lunch up to 45 minutes. And if you want, you can take a nap. Or you can just have a 45-minute lunch. People already can take a nap during their lunch if they want to and they don't. Not if you only have a 30-minute lunch because you still got to eat. Well, they don't have a nappery. They need the nappery. You need to set a precedent.

All right, let's move on. Would you rather? This is a nice follow-up. Would you rather be able to fall asleep whenever you want, but only for four hours at a time, or uncontrollably fall asleep for eight hours every day without warning? So you won't know when you're going to sleep, but you'll get eight hours or you will only get four hours every 24 hours, but you choose your time. I'm going to assume that if you go the eight hour route, this is not put you in danger. It's not going to be like while driving. Otherwise. Well, yeah, take that out of it.

You're basically deciding, do you want to choose when you sleep four hours a day or do you want eight hours of sleep, but you never get to choose the time it has to be the four hours dude i can't but you would be insanely tired day after day after day after day right but the the eight hours eight hours is funny to me because you will just be living your life and then eight hours later you will awake i mean there's there's so many problems and i'm not even just talking about the driving situation let's i okay i want to go to a ball game i want to go to a movie i fall asleep okay now eight hours they're gonna have to grab my body and put it somewhere don't you go to that 10 p.m. movie. Not to mention, if they find your body that is asleep and they cannot wake you up, how many hospital bills are you going to have to pay for when they call 911 and ambulance you in?

No, that's when you get the tattoo. It says, I'm just sleeping. Just sleeping. Each arm just sleeping. And then you're fine. You have to go eyelids. You wear a helmet around, but you're well-rested every day. Mike, you are not somebody that functions

on a few hours of sleep. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Four hours of sleep, you would be a zombie for the remainder of your natural life. Your face is already angry enough, Mike, when you are well-rested. Now, I'd look like I i have the black circles under my

eyes will get so bad i would look like i was wearing a superhero mask i would look like robin this question was from spam maybe that's cool on patreon and i thought there was a loophole here i thought i could throw four hours at the end of one day and then do the next four hours as the next day rolled over but then it says per 24 hour period he got you well that would still work no because a 24 hour period yeah no only four hours of sleeping it doesn't and it resets it doesn't wake up it's just a rolling 24 all right yeah spam prizes thought of everything i feel like there are so many problems that can arise from you fall asleep, you don't know when it's going to be, and you're there for eight hours.

I guess it's possible in that case that since you can't predict it, you might be up for two hours and fall asleep again. Oh. Right? I mean, it's not going to be a rolling 24. You've got to go zombie style. Imagine the stories. You go four hours, you're just living a garbage life, angry at the world.

I'm taking the eight hours because a year later, all the stories I'll have of what has happened. Imagine taking that 10-hour flight overseas to China, and then you never fall asleep on the flight, and you show up there, and then within an hour, you're asleep. Well, you're going to take care of your jet lag problem sure but i was gonna say both of these people no one you don't have friends no one has friends because the four-hour person nobody wants to be around a zombie angry monster and the person who just falls asleep for eight hours all the time i'm not calling bill he's just gonna fall asleep again he's a jerk what if we have to carry him home again? It's not happening.

What a loser. So either way, Spam Fries, you have just created a very lonely, lonely person. I hope you're happy. Well, at least I will be lonely and well slept. So what is your official? I'm taking eight hours. I'm four hours. All right, Jeff Osborne from the website.

Would you rather live without the internet or live without AC and heating? Oh, and heating? Yes. I think for this, look, we are located in Phoenix, Arizona, also known as hell. The summers here will scorch your skin off of your body. And so I think for this question, you've got to stay here because I can't imagine living without AC, and I can't imagine living without internet.

Give me the eight hours. Give me the four hours. That's not part of this question, Jason. You have to decide. And the answer for me is live without AC or heating. Really? Yeah. Because, fam, we're moving to Hawaii.

We're moving to San Diego. We're going somewhere that is temperate because I like my life. I like my occupation. Without the internet, our occupation is just gone. Oh, that's a good point. We have no... People are not listening to this podcast right now without the internet. Hmm.

So we almost have... This is a trick question. Ironically, though, you... I guess we could get a radio show. Your goal with the internet is to someday be able to retire in some cool, breezy AC and relax without the internet, right? There's fans. There's fans? There's fans?

There's fans. Yes, fans blow 120 degree air back onto you. No internet at this point in time means no gaming? Correct. And you can play your Nintendo. It probably means no Netflix. Correct. No Hulu.

Correct. No phone browsing. No email. email no communication no cat videos no civilization yeah i just i don't know how we can go back this is a but what if you're here what if you're here if i'm not let's yeah you can't move that's what i'm saying you can't move to hawaii if i cannot move how did they live in the old West? I wonder that all the time. No wonder everyone's living in the saloon. You cannot possibly

survive out here without air conditioning. But they did. That's why everyone's dueling. And they never pooped. Because they were always out in the woods. I just figured out. Why is everyone taking the duel?

Oh, do they want to lose? It's a win-win proposition. Either you become world-renowned because you've won so many duels, everyone's scared of you, or you're out. You're out of the heat. Oh, man. No more. What if we had to duel each other?

What's the weapon of choice? No, a pistol. What if we had to do a other? What's the weapon of choice? No, a pistol. What if we had to do a 12-step? Hamilton one shot? Yeah. Oh, man. I feel like we would all miss. That's exactly what would happen.

Who's alive? Oh, everybody. At least you can start a fire in the winter, right? Yeah. It's true. You can take your a fire in the winter, right? Yeah, it's true. You can take your clothes off in the summer. I mean, I've seen the DIY air conditioning where they take the cooler and they put a bunch of ice in it and then you have the tube coming out.

We'd be doing a lot of that. A lot of that. I'm a sweaty man in AC, right? Like when the air is on and things are okay, I can get overheated. Can't even imagine. But I think. Levels of sweat. I think I've got to get rid of the AC.

Because I don't think I could live at this point in time without internet. Man, that's crazy. Because one of those things is actually not important to life. I can't live. And one of those things is important to life. I think I might have my priorities backwards here. Well, considering we all grew up without internet. Yeah, but people were...

That's the crazy thing. Weren't people better? Hold on. Yes. Let's talk about that. Can we have swamp coolers? No, Mike. We can't have swamp coolers.

It's a completely different technology. Does a swamp cooler condition the air? But it cools the air. It's not an air technology. Does a swamp cooler condition the air? But it cools the air. It's not an air conditioner. It is conditioning the air. It's changing the temperature of the air. Man, I think I'm going to need to side with Mike here just so I can have your internet. So I can have my internet

and eat it too. So was the world better without the internet? Before we do the mock draft, that's the question we answer. Was the world better without the internet? I grew up with Encyclopedia Britannica on the wall. I don't feel like I can properly answer this because you have the kid-colored glasses. When you were a kid or having kids? When you were a kid.

The world is a much different place when you're a child. Because the world is great when you're a kid. No, I don't think that's it. So it was better and yet you chose internet over air conditioning and heating yeah because the thing is is before internet you had so you know it was perfect example perfect example we were talking the other day in the studio and mike was trying to discuss uh times when you are with people and he couldn't figure out what the word was he could only think

of social media yes he couldn't think of like socializing because what is that thing when you're with people and in the in the past in the past like you got together people knocked on your door and you weren't afraid you have the party party poop problem. You know, no parties, no party poop problem. Oh, man, no. I'm going back when you knocked on doors. Well, you answered phones, and it was the house phone. So if it wasn't for you, you still talked to that person, right? Yeah.

Your Aunt Aurora would call to talk to your mom, and you'd still, I mean, you'd be like, hey, how are you doing? Oh, I'm doing well. How are you? And you had to pay $3 a minute for long distance. Did I ever tell you the time that I accidentally set up an AOL 30-day trial and chose an Alabama number instead of an Arizona number? Oh, my gosh.

Because when you sign up for AOL, you got a 30-day trial. I'm not seeing the repercussions. That means that he's dialing up. It's dialing up. It's dialing up internet. He's calling long distance. You were calling Alabama. I chose AL instead of AZ in the phone number list.

There's no L in Arizona, Andy. Well, but they both start with A. Oh, no. And so you chose, because every time you signed up with those, you had to choose your dial-in number. So for a month, every night, I dialedabama's uh isp oh no and the bill came in and it was like 300 something dollars for that month worth of long distance man i'm glad you're alive today yeah my father was very forgiving so all right we're gonna get into our draft The Spitballers Draft.

All right, mock draft. We're each taking three condiments. And we're assembling a team, a team of condiments. The best will obviously be my team. You guys will have subpar, suboptimal condiment list, but I'm sure they'll be respectable. So who starts this one? I believe it's back to me isn't it i think so all right i accept look i'm gonna start it off this is the chalk pick it's the one-on-one i would like to get it later but you guys you guys

would draft it it's gonna be on everything it's by itself a billion dollar industry. Give me ketchup. I mean, my hot dogs, my burgers, my french fries. This is the Superman pick. Is it? Yes! I have... Who's next, by the way? You would be you. Okay, so I just want to make sure I'm not teasing

something I can't draft. I'm going to surprise you. I would take something over ketchup, but I do think that it's the chalk pick because not only are we trying to build the team of condiments that we want, but the team that everybody else wants. We like to win. We're very competitive and we put a poll out.

Now, Jason, this is a poll pick. Yes, this is a poll pick. Would you actually take ketchup? Ketchup would not be my number one. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I want to win. Vote for me.

Twitter.com slash PipHonorsPod. Vote for Jason. Ketchup. So you're pandering. You're darn right I'm pandering. I'm going to take. There's one that I think makes the most sense, but it's polarizing at times. I'm going to take hot sauce.

Oh, it's on my short list. I'm taking hot sauce. I know it's on my short list. I'm taking hot sauce. I know it's not getting past Mike. If I let hot sauce go, Mike is drafting hot sauce. You're darn right. The pick that I would have taken, I think will make it back around to me. Because I don't think Mike's going to draft it.

Unless he panders. No. Jason's got ketchup. I've got hot sauce. I think the versatility of hot sauce is incredible. Nobody's got ketchup. I've got hot sauce. I think the versatility of hot sauce is incredible. There's only three. Nobody's mixing ketchup into a myriad of recipes the way that hot sauce is just beneath the surface of so many wonderful delicacies. Ketchup is in a billion times more recipes than hot sauce. Oh, I disagree.

What? I would disagree. Absolute hogwashery. Hogwash. You guys are crazy. Did you just say make a meat sauce with hot sauce? That's normal. Make a meatloaf with hot sauce.

Yes. Ketchup is mixed into meatloaf. What else? Name one thing. That it's mixed into? It is an ingredient. Who's squirting a ketchup? What, do you see Julia Child squirting the ketchup bottle?

Ketchup is not a mix-in. Ketchup is a topper. Exactly. But they also make other sauces. Like, you'll mix ketchup and... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't be spoiling and throwing out names. I know where Mike's going.

Go ahead, Mike. You got your pick. And I forget, you don't go back-to-back. This is not a snake draft. I feel like I know what the 103 poll-pleasing pick would be, but I'm not going to pander. I know you're not. You're not a panderer.

Thousand Island. Yeah, I figured you're taking it. And I feel like Thousand Island definitely toes the line because it's a salad dressing, but to me, Thousand Island definitely toes the line because it's a salad dressing. But to me, Thousand Island is like hot sauce. I can put it on so many different things from burgers. Oh, you dip your French fries into Thousand Island. Here's the thing about going Thousand Island versus something like ketchup.

Nobody out there is sitting there going, boy, ketchup's my favorite thing in the whole wide world not but people will say that about thousand island thousand people the thousand islanders as they call them yes are passionate about their thousand island now i love that pick for another reason i have two favorites and one of them's getting back to me no matter what right here yeah i've got so i'm in i'm in love i. I will say I have to give a shout-out to ketchup because without you, Thousand Island is not possible. You're right. That's what I was going for.

But Thousand Island is superior. Anything ketchup can do. He can do better. Thousand Island does better. You can't put ketchup on a salad. No. Everything ketchup does. Thousand Island does it better. All right, I guess I've got to make Everything ketchup does. Thousand Island does it better.

All right. I guess I got to make a ketchup or a Thousand Island meatloaf. I'm making a teat. Oh, that would be fantastic. No. Jason, you're up. Are you kidding? Second round.

All right. Somebody out there, if you've made a Thousand Island meatloaf, I'd love to know if that's good. Picks or it didn't happen. All right. There are two here, and I know it's going to be between I know right now Andy's says he's got two coming back to him that he likes. I got to

pick between these. No, he's going full pander again. No, I'm not. No, him. Oh, Jason. He's going to go. See, he's primary colors over there. He's about to make my Thousand Island. Yeah, he is. You're darn right I am! Are you taking it? I am taking

Ranch. Oh! Okay, I was wrong. A little different. I'm going Ranch because I was wrong too. I would say I would say anything Thousand Island can do, Ranch can do better. Ranch is such a powerhouse pick.

Pizza in the ranch up and ranch are the starting running back i can put it on a salad i'm not dipping my broccoli into thousand island i'm sure it's okay you know what i do for my keto snacks every night broccoli in thousand island thank you for making my point for me get yourself some ranch upgrade your system no ketchup and ranch the draft draft's already over. That's really tough. Look, I would have liked him to go mainline again and give two primary colors and go with mayonnaise. I got to take mayonnaise at this point.

You have to. Mayo is the obvious pick. And mayo's delicious. I love mayo. Yes. I know that there are people that some people don't like it. Let's be clear. This is mayonnaise.

This ain't no miracle whip. This ain't no imitation. This is mayo. It's't no Miracle Whip. This ain't no imitation. This is mayo. It's on so many different things. Mayos, that was what I was deciding between, but Miracle Whip is better. What? Yeah. Deal with it.

Oh, what? Deal with it. Miracle Whip, greater sign, mayo. They're the same thing except one tastes better. This is unbelievable. This is the worst take you have tastes better. That's unbelievable. This is the worst take you have ever had. Miracle Whip is better than mayonnaise.

Miracle Whip is sweeter. Miracle Whip is what happens if you leave mayonnaise out in the sun and it goes bad. That's how they make Miracle Whip. That's ridiculous. And people are out there with me. I think I would have won this draft if range had slipped to me, so you made a smart pick with range. I got hot sauce and mayo.

Jason's got ketchup and range. Mike's got Thousand Island and troubling situation here, Mike. I do. Where do you go? Where do you go from here? I have a troubling situation here because I feel like there's no basics left that I want, and that's why I'm going to do a pivot, and this one is not going to help me with the pollsters because not everyone

has had this delightful, tasty treat. Really? Wow. There is a restaurant I go to. Oh, so we're going very localized. Mike's stepping down from this competition.

That's fine because I got to follow my heart. There is a restaurant I go to specifically because their sauce is so amazing i'm talking about raisin canes sauce oh mercy if you have that's just a variant that's a that's a variant of the uh yeah so it's thousand island i'm you didn't have to go basic building blocks here and raisin cane sauce is so good it's spectacular spectacular. Raisin canes, if you are not familiar, it is easiest to describe as the in and out of chicken fingers

because all they have are chicken fingers, fries, and Texas toast and everything goes into their cane sauce. Their sauce is so good that they know they can charge for it. And you'll pay? I mean you there are there are establishments you can go and say can i have some more of this can i have some more of this

particular sauce i'm trying not to spoil any picks here and they go oh yeah sure here's five packets of it but raisin canes knows that you will pay up and i do pay up because oh you have to get the extra sauce oh you're not one you're not doing it. One is not enough. This is a passion pick, Mike. You're not going to win with it. I get it. I get it. Jason, how do you round out your team now?

All right, so here's the thing. I feel like I've got a pick that's a pander pick. It would bring me home the victory because nobody doesn't like it. Right now, the vast majority of people like ketchup, they like ranch, and they definitely like my pander pick, but I'm not taking it. Wow. The heart wants what the heart wants. Or the stomach wants what the stomach wants.

And the tongue. And every bit of my body needs mustard. Mustard is... Dude, you landed ketchup and mustard. Mustard is my 101. I promised something to you at the beginning of the show, Jason. You let your 101 slip to the third? No, I promised Jason there's something I wouldn't say, so I'm not going to say it.

Mustard is awful. Awful. Oh. Mustard. I didn't say it. Look, if I'm having a hot dog and I can only have one ingredient, it's mustard. Look, it's so full of flavor. No calories.

No carbs. You can put it in your tuna salad, your potato salad. You can make all sorts of things. Your hot dogs, your hamburgers. Are you a primary mustard, like a yellow mustard? Or do you like Dijon? I like everything. Does he get Dijon with the mustard pick?

I think so. A variant? I mean, he gets sriracha with hot sauce. It's a basket with hot sauce, right? Because Dijon with the mustard pick? I think so. Sure. A variant? I mean, he gets Sriracha with hot sauce. It's a basket with hot sauce, right? Because Dijon mustard's great. Yeah, I mean, so I get that. Honey mustard? Oh, honey mustard.

Honey mustard's great. Honey mustard's fantastic. Honey mustard gets honey mustard with it. He gets the mustard family? Yes. Oh, man. Yeah, I believe he does. The Colonel's family?

The mustard seed grows a large tree, my friends. So mustard's actually a solid pick now that I have walked through the steps. Ketchup, mustard, and ranch? You're making a point for him. Ketchup, mustard, and ranch is going to be tough to beat. How did I draft first, second, and third? Yeah, people are going to think that. That changes my opinion of what I'm doing here.

Oh, he's going for the win. Oh, he's trying to pander. I want to know, because look, I thought about going sweet and trying to top off my trio with something sweet. But, I mean, you can go honey. I'm not going honey. Love honey. It's not.

Look. Oh, I have a tough decision. I've got two of them here, and I can't decide. I'm wondering if you're going to pick my pander. And how many rounds is this? I'm going butter, baby. Oh, my goodness. is that a condiment is it a have you ever have you ever spread it on your uh bread i have oh man and i've i've

never taken butter and just taken a big old bite of it man i'm not going homer moon waffles so i think it counts i've dipped lobster into melted melted butter I'm going butter. Oh, my goodness. That is the sleeper pick of all sleeper picks I've ever seen. Look, I looked at 20 ingredients while we're talking, Googling. Butter never came up. That's a home run pick. I got to compete with you, man. It's still not beaten ketchup, mustard, and ranch.

This is going to be a fun poll. I feel like you were going back and forth between the two things that you were thinking of, and then just out of nowhere, you had a clairvoyant thought and said, why has no one taken butter in this draft? And I'm happy with it. I'll tell you what the other one was, but I've got to let you pick first. Yeah, let me finish.

Oh, we're going round four. No, no, no, this ain't round four. He's the final pick. Oh, okay. No one even cares about my pick after what has transpired over here. I'll take soy sauce. If we go round four, I've got one

ready. Oh, I've got one ready. We're going four rounds. Oh, no. I've got a sleeper in here that I want to take. All right. I've got two. If you pick the one I got, I got nothing left. Okay, we're going four rounds. I'm taking guacamole. Guacamole is a dip.

Is that a condiment? That's not a condiment. What? It's not a condiment. What? I feel the same way. It's a dip. You've never put it on a sandwich?

It's called the Californian, my man. I've put guacamole on a burger. Usually it's avocado, but there's guacamole burgers. I've put guacamole, yep. I'm taking guacamole. So far, every single one of these could be squeezed through a tube. You there's guacamole burgers. Yep. I'm taking guacamole. So far, every single one of these could be squeezed through a tube. You cannot squeeze guacamole through a tube. Sure you can.

There's a lot of crappy, oily guacamole. It's not going to be good guacamole. So as a family of condiments, you received Subway's guacamole in here, too. That watery paste. That's the guac you got. Well, it's just brown. It's Subway guacamole in here, too. That watery paste. That's the guac you got. Well, it's just brown. If it's Subway guacamole, that's their avocado. If we're talking families of condiments, you've got the craziest family.

Thousand Island Raising, Cane Sauce, and Guac. You're just a wild man right now. I'm an eccentric man. Oh, man. So I thought for sure you were going to take my other guy here, but I get it, too. I mean, this is incredible, my team. Ketchup, ranch, mustard. other guy here but i get it too i mean this is incredible my team ketchup ranch mustard and you know what else i'm getting from the old classic mcdonald's i'm taking me some barbecue sauce barbecue sauce was the one that was with butter oh yeah i mean i, I'm so hungry right now, guys. But don't worry.

I want to dip meat into every kind of sauce. Actually, that's where we're going after this. Okay. We're going there. Hot sauce, mayo, butter. How about some sour cream? Oh, that's good. How about some sour cream?

Just cool off that hot sauce if you need. You could just pour it all into a vat. So wait, you've got hot sauce, butter, mayo, and sour cream. That's a competitor. That's a genuine competitor. Thank you. Mike, you get to close it out. I'm just fully throwing this draft.

You're throwing the draft away. He's taking tartar sauce. There's no way I can win. He's taking tartar. No, I am definitely not. Sauerkraut in the building. I am not taking tartar sauce. Sau's no way I can win. He's taking tartar. No, I am definitely not. Sauerkraut in the building. I am not taking tartar sauce. Sauerkraut is the most disgusting thing ever.

I'm taking a sauce that it's – I can't even remember what it's called half of the time. I feel like I can give Mike an answer and help him out because it's not going to help his draft. No, I'm saying – Is it teriyaki? No. Half the time I cannot remember it, so if I'm at a steakhouse,

I have to say, do you have sauces? And I'm like, rattle them off. And then as soon as they say Bernays sauce, I go, boom, that's it. Just envelop. Just drown my steak in Bernays sauce. Dude, you have the hipster condiment draft right here. You've got the artster condiment draft right here. You've got the art student condiment draft.

I mean, this is... So, final roster, Jason has the tag team of ketchup and mustard. Mustard in the third, what a steal. Ranch in the second, solid. And then barbecue sauce, which was... If butter wasn't the pick, it was barbecue. I look at the good up here. I have barbecue and butter

written down. Look, I told you, food is my wheelhouse. But hot sauce, mayo, butter, and sour cream, I think you're going to get some passionate fans there. And, Mike, you've got Thousand Island, Raising Cane's, guac with an asterisk, and Bernays? Yep. You're darn right. Good luck to you.

Wait, what was his first pick, Thousand Guac? Thousand Island. Yeah. So here's the thing. You should have included Raising Cane's into your Thousand Island. Yeah. So here's the thing. You should have included raising canes into your thousand family. That's what you should have tried to do. No, it's because I'm not a sneaky snook. I play by the rules.

This has been my favorite spitballer's draft. Your hot sauce pick is your coffee pick from the breakfast food draft. I know I'm going to have a solid choice. You had so many votes that were like, your draft sucks, but you have coffee, so I have to vote for you. And this is a good draft, and you have hot sauce. So it's going to be a two-man competition.

Let's see if Mike can get as few votes as I got in the superhero draft. I believe I finished at 8% of the vote. Oh, did you? We should be giving the results of those on you. I got in the superhero draft. I believe I finished at 8% of votes. Oh, did you? We should be giving the results of those on you. I got body. I won. What did you learn on the show today, guys, before we close it out?

Oh, man. I got mine. I have mine. I learned that butter is a condiment. Darn right. That blew my mind. I learned that Jason would die of constipation if he had to live in the woods. That he would never poop in the woods.

And I learned, contrary to what I thought, that Jason claims he cannot sleep standing up. I think he can. We're going to find out. We are? Oh, yeah. You'll do that experiment? Man tries to sleep standing up. For science and for YouTube views.

Well, thank you for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. Tell your friends. Come back next week. We love you all. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.