Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 71: Cough, Drop, and Roll With It!

Episode Date: November 4, 2019

It’s Monday and WE’RE BACK! On today’s episode, we bring back a fan favorite -  ‘Is This Real Life’? Find out what has Owl all choked up just talking about it! We also discuss dreams, nightmares, and getting in trouble for something we did in our spouse’s dream. We power down this episode with a draft of must-have smartphone apps. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!   Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, Spitwads, do you enjoy this show and you want just a little bit more? I do. Oh, there you are. I love this show, yes. Oh, that's not annoying at all. Head over to spitballerspod.com and find out how you can become an official supporter of this show and get access to the complete archive, spitballerspod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve?

It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Wow. We got you, brother. We're here for you. Wow. That was, it could have been way worse. That could have been way worse. Yeah, it could have just been me doing it.

I didn't, I didn't scat today. I'm recovering. Yes. I don't have a lot of air. But you're back. I am. And our show is back. Yeah, I know.

I know. We missed a couple episodes. I'm sorry. These things happen. This is spitballers uh podcast episode 71 we've got wood would you rather on the show we've got the return oh yes yes of is this real life i've got a good one for you today fellas wasn't that the name of the remember the mummy was the second movie the return of the mummy yeah i believe so that was the name of right uh the return of blank it's a pretty standard well i sequel name the mummy's in my head because the other night

i know i was curious brendan frazier like we don't have a lot of movie nights around the house unless it's like you know really something new came out and like everybody watches the new movie right like there's not a lot of opportunities where we're like man going to the archives and we're a movie night every friday we have pizza you're very cool you're awesome but some say the best but like my 10 year old and i we had a night alone and i said i'm just gonna do this up up. We're going to do a movie night. We're going to make popcorn. We're going to watch a movie.

I bet it was awesome. And I'm trying to think of I was trying to think of classic movies to watch with my son. You went with The Mummy? And for some reason, The Mummy came into my head of like, this is one of those things that happens when you think about old DVDs you have. I was like, what are some... He likes action movies. I'm like, is there an old action movie that i would watch right like

so indiana jones came into my head probably should have came in before the mummy probably but the mummy came up and we have many steps before the mummy we ended up watching um uh captain marvel instead but all right but we almost we almost watched the mummy the mummy wait but were you gonna go right to the mummy returns no no i don't worry about the first one son this is this is it this is the jam mummy 2 the mummy but then i watched the original trailer for the mummy and man is i thought it looked better than what the trailer looked like. Let me just put it that way. Not all movies hold up. My favorite part, though, you're back.

You're still getting over your illness. My favorite part, though, is the transition that happened here that went from, we've got Is This Real Life. Wait a minute. What about The Mummy 2? Wait a minute. We watched Captain Marvel. He really likes The Mummy.

The path here was is this real life somehow that reminded him that he didn't watch the mummy too we first of all this show is called the spitballer second of all I said is this real life returns and it's here and then maybe I thought you wanted to maybe spitball about Brendan Fraser for a second maybe we could have fun I want look maybe we could have fun on the show. We're going to have so much fun. And look, I'm all down for spitball. And I thought when you were talking about the is this real life,

you were going to bring up the source of that phrase. You guys know that, right? Where the is this real life comes from? No, it was this really famous viral video of a kid who I think went to the dentist and got a lot of narcotics. But I'm going to dare to put this out there. The phrase, is this real life, was uttered far before the invention of the internet. Yes, of course. But not as funny as that kid who was...

Have you had that experience? The gas? Yes. Gas or... I think we talked about this. Coming out of anesthesia? Of how I had the gas for my wisdom teeth, and then I got super paranoid that my mom was there. Yeah, I make other people question, is this real life when they're around me all the time?

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And I think we're just going to go ahead and kick this off. and I think we're just gonna go ahead and kick this off would you rather you guys ever seen the mummy all right I have classic cinematic masterpiece so that got me thinking about Brendan Fraser and what happened well it stands to reason right Brendan Frazier peak Brendan Frazier time he was an a-list guy yes he had reached that status and then you were saying okay well what let's spitball about Brendan Frazier and I wanted to immediately go to Encino man and then I was drawing blanks like what George of the jungle what the... What is the pinnacle? What is the greatest cinematic masterpiece that

Brendan Fraser is involved in? It's the mummy or Encino Man. That's it. For sure. I mean, this was not a peak you hang around at. But he... Ride down the mountain. He was already riding high. That's how we got in the mummy. Like, how did we get here? I don't know. But George of the Jungle,

I watched a lot of that as a kid. And I watched Journey to the Center of the Earth. It's actually pretty good. There you go. It's a good family movie, but man, what a world. When Brendan Fraser was A-list celebrity. Alright, Tori, an official spitwad has a would-you-rather question for us.

Would you rather always arrive everywhere one hour early or 15 minutes late. Hmm. Man. It's very easy for me. It is for me, too. I think it's easy for me, but it's easy for me in different periods of my life.

Like, I have different answers for where I'm at. What about your Victorian period? In my Victorian period, you always arrive an hour early. Okay. What about your Victorian period? In my Victorian period, you always arrive an hour early. Okay, what about your Jurassic period? The Jurassic period, way too late. You got to come late, otherwise you're already extinct. Oh, smart. So this is easy for both of you guys.

Yes. And I have a... Can I just guess? I know you... We've ceded the microphone to you. I'm just saying, I'm going to take a guess. Okay. I'm going to andy is the

hour early for sure without question yeah i mean preparation yeah i've got a phone i can play on my phone if i show up someplace early mike i'm going to say you're the 15 minutes late you know fashionably i think mike's early you that that's what you think of me? You think I'm a 15-minute late? It's because I got a beard? Because I'm a hippie? No way. It's not late. Lateness is one of my biggest pet peeves. Really?

I cannot stand. It's insulting. I cannot stand being late. I feel incredibly rude. I have wasted your time. I have said to you with my actions i said i'm more important than you wow i can't blown away i can't so proud of you lateness yeah papa over here i mean you're late for sure jay oh i'm a hundred percent like without a doubt i'm not showing up an hour early

to everything that my life is over the hour early part sucks. Yeah. To be that early. I mean, that is my father. When it comes to airlines. Oh, was he on super early? Yes. And especially when it comes to flying. My dad, you know, they recommend show up two hours early for a domestic flight, which is already an outrageous amount of time.

My pops was like, nah, we should probably get there at least three hours early just to be safe. And that's when you just roll right through security and then you go, well, yes. And that's when your travel day feels like an extra hour in the airport feels like your travel day has now taken to the new limit. I know we have two people. I'm making eyes with our producers and they're both like, they have a flight next week. They're thinking about leaving right now.

Is that right, Al? You're not wrong. Brooks and I traveled a lot together this summer and we were both on board with getting there several hours early for each flight. And it doesn't even matter how early it is. There's no situation where that won't hold for them. If the flight leaves at 7 in the morning,

and so it's like, we got to get there by 5, they're there at 2 in the morning and so it's like oh we gotta get there by five they're there at two in the morning like we're going we're going to bed there the thought of being late to a flight or an event is so much worse and they're both nodding smiling then oh i have to wait a little longer but i I know I'm going to make it. Right? Is that the thought? Yeah. They're both like, this is why we put our gear and planning in their hands when we tour. And I'm so thankful for that. I have done the airport run.

Oh, like the Home Alone run? Yes. Pretty much a full Home Alone run where my wife and I were going on our 10-year anniversary. So this is a big trip. This is Hawaii. I planned this thing forever ago. Did your heart explode? Were you stressed out of your mind?

That drive. Because the drive from my house to the airport, it's a 45-minute. And it was just full adrenaline. The entire thing where road clock road clock road clock road clock yeah whose fault was it good super important i like to be early oh yeah i'm not going to name names but it was it was my wife it was not me fantastic we almost missed the freaking point oh man

I would have been pulling my hair out but the thing is for me what hair oh man oh man give it to me that's fantastic Mike's on a roll here I'm laughing.

You just can't hear it. Yeah. I feel like at this point in my life, this period of my life, 15 minutes late is fine. I'm not in school. I don't look. We own. We own our own company. I show up 15 minutes late.

I'm being rude to myself you know and and to also myself and andy and owl and judge giamatti well you know neither neither here nor there but i think that most times in my life i run a little behind schedule sure i don't try to in fact i try to get there 15 minutes ahead of schedule so that I get there on time. Have you ever tried to get somewhere 30 minutes early? Oh, man. See, this is why I'm taking the 50 minutes late, because getting there too early is a nightmare.

You ever show up to a party too early? Yeah, that sucks. You ever the first one there, no one's there, and it's like, oh, hey, Bob, how's it going? We actually ran into a bit of a snafu with the early show. Like, I'm an early planner, too. But when someone invites you over for dinner, they give you a time, right? And it would be kind of rude to impose upon them early. Yes.

100%. You're not ready yet. They're not ready. They might not be, you know, everything sorted out. You don't want them to feel stressed. We got invited over for dinner. We had to bring a pie. Well, the pie was melting.

And we got to the house too early. The pie was melting? Yeah, there was all this whipped cream all over the top of the pie. Okay. So I had to make the decision, do I impose upon the guests or let this pie melt for 15 minutes in the car? You should have ate the pie.

Oh, that's a good answer. And then you found a different pie. All right, that's true. If you are my house guest, and you're coming over for dinner. Sorry, I had to go get a different pie. Please let the pie melt. Because I just got out of the shower, and I am not ready for you to show up yet.

See, I thought you were going to go, please bring in the pie. I'd like to eat it 15 minutes before I was supposed to. Yeah, so I'm taking the late one here. But it doesn't work for all stages of your life. Yeah, flights? You can't show up 15 minutes late for a flight. 15 minutes late is showing up one hour and 45 minutes early here.

I'm not showing up 15 minutes because you don't go to your plane. One news report about showing up three hours, two hours early to a flight has ruined the lives of hundreds of thousands of Americans for generations. Because once it's in your head that that's what you got to do, your dad heard that report and for 20 years he showed up three hours early. I think that's actually the... Because one day there was a busy day, and then it defined everything else. That's like their official stance, though.

I think airlines say... Yeah, because they want to say that they gave you... They want you in the airport spending your money. This is an outrage. I just figured it out. If you're there two hours early, what are you doing? Yeah. I'm buying crap.

We're being manipulated. This is by Big Air. By Big... two hours early what are you doing yeah i'm buying crap we're being manipulated this by big air like that's the nickname of this show big air big air um let's move on would you rather sawyer from twitter says would you rather have to eat everything with hot sauce for the rest of your life or never have any seasonings or sauces of any kind from now on. Rough. That is rough. I can hot sauce a lot of things,

but if I had to eat it for every meal, it would be too much. Cereal is done. Cereal is done. Desserts are done. You're never going to be like, I want to, you know, you're going to do a bowl of ice cream with your hot sauce andy mite. Cereal's done. Desserts are done. You're never going to be like, I want to, you know, you're going to do a bowl of ice

cream with your hot sauce andy mite. No, that sucks. Well, sure. But if it was no ice cream or ice cream with hot sauce. It's not no ice cream. It's just he can eat the ice cream, but then his chicken nuggets have no ranch. The salad has no thousand island. I would still go that way.

The fries have no ketchup. Yeah. Or salt. Yeah. I would still go that way. The fries have no ketchup. Yeah. Or salt. Salt is gone. Yeah, but I just think you'd be eliminating so many foods by forcing hot sauce onto everything. Not to mention the heartburn. Oh, yes.

I mean, that would be real. Not just heartburn, either. Here's your garlic bread. You'd be hurting all over your body. To make this realistic. Now, we're saying, like, we'll just call it Frank's Rat. Right? This isn't, like, scorch my mouth, you know, crazy hot ghost pepper hot sauce.

Sure. I don't care. The flavor of everything is going to be a delicious hot sauce, which does not go with everything. It does not. You can't take the hot sauce. You want to have a cookie? Enjoy your cookies. You want to have a...

Most things don't go with hot sauce, believe it or not. You say you can't take the hot sauce, but I feel like I can't not have... Condiments? I can't have bland food everywhere. No condiments. I'm never going to have that is real bland no seasonings or mustard seasonings do you know how much weight I'm gonna lose it's gonna be great it's gonna that'd be great I my problem with hot sauce is I know that the whole advertising campaign that they like to lean on as the hot sauce is you put it on everything because it enhances

the flavor and i say no it just makes everything taste like hot sauce like right which is good i like hot sauce chalula yeah i love chalula so i'm sitting over here trying to figure out to bring up to you guys do you have you guys ever seen um oh it's not chalula is it what's the other big hot sauce there's frank's there's a basco oh it's tabasco i've heard of it so i so the tabasco people that is like a family trade secret have you seen this they're on their own island except for i was looking for cholula Island, but I ended up finding Chihuahua Island. Quite fantastic. Wait, hold on.

There's a Chihuahua Island? Is this a television show as well? It's an island. You've been stranded on Chihuahua Island, an island inhabited by only Chihuahuas. It seems made up. That would be scary, man. Could you imagine you're on a stranded island but all over the island are chihuahuas this is the the rabbit hole i went down all the while just trying to find

tabasco island but they that whole family they own that that tabasco family it's all secretive too why don't we have like a baller's island that's great i mean like i feel like our business i've got no problem with it are you telling me that in this day and age where we can take satellites in outer space look down and read someone's wristwatch people can't figure out how to reverse engineer tabasco sauce this hasn't happened yet well no they have but they've been uh they've been eliminated. Oh, they're very, very powerful. Like the mob? Some people have reverse engineered it, but the Tabascos. They kill them?

Drown them. Wow. They sleep with the fishes. They drown them. In Tabasco. Yeah, they do. My eyes! I feel like if they dropped you in a vat of Tabasco, you would disintegrate within two weeks.

Like even if you get out? Yeah. No, no. you're you would disintegrate within two weeks i'm like even if you get out yeah no no i got out but i'm kill me do you guys like tabasco i like frank's i'm gonna admit something here tabasco's too spicy for me oh that's i'm a i'm a wimp here's the thing let me talk about all you tough guys i don't like the flavor of tabasco oh me either i mean it's okay in in in moderation like most things um but all the tough guys out there you know who you are and you know super spicers the super spice that's like okay this doesn't taste good the spice girls this doesn't taste you actually cannot taste anything after putting this on your tongue because it has ruined your mouth.

You're not cool. You're sweating, but you're like, oh, it's so delicious. No, it's great. I don't even feel it. You lying. You're not cool because your mouth can eat fire. We did pet peeve drafts. I think this needed to come up to the surface. The spice king.

Yeah. It doesn't taste good just because it destroys your mouth. Oh, no, it doesn't affect my mouth. I love a lot of spice. I'm a spice lord. Give me all those ghost peppers. How cool are you? And they all go home and cry.

And then they go, I was so cool today. By the way, do you have any Preparation H? Also owned by the Tabasco family. Of course it is. Oh, yeah. They're cornering the market on bidets. Yes. And Preparation H.

They spice up your life on both sides. Yeah. We've uncovered a lot here. Between that and the airport secretly getting you in there early so you can buy duty free items. That being said, I'm taking the hot sauce because I need my condiments in my life. Okay. All right. Make it totter from Patreon.

Would you rather every single day wake up from an absolutely horrific nightmare and be relieved that everything is okay or wake up from the greatest dream ever only to feel disappointment that none of it was real interesting so waking up from a great dream it can be very tilting it can be very tilting when you are still in that it's not very long but you know that the morning fog where you knew it was real. You knew it was real. The dream and the reality slowly, the fabric is torn apart and you realize. And that's immediately when you try to get back to sleep. Yes. You're always like, I can get back there.

I'm coming back. You've been able to continue dreams, right? I have before. I've only done it once. I've done it several times, but every time that it fails, it's the worst. And now I'm stuck in this world. Yeah, I've continued dreams a lot, but only if I wake up at like 2, 3 in the morning. Right.

If you wake up in the early morning, you think about, oh, maybe I could sleep a little longer. And you never get back there. But I mean, I feel like having a better real life. So the life, so now in this question. I mean, I guess the life could be your life no matter what. In this question, you're not waking up from a great dream and having a bad day, right? Well, a bit because you're disappointed. Sure, you're disappointed that you're not there.

But your days are the same. I'm just asking. No, I think you're right. On this question, whether you have the bad dream or the good dream, you wake up to a neutral day. Yes, it is a neutral day day but every morning is a disappointment as opposed to a relief yes because if you had a bad dream you wake up and you're like back to my normal day it's it might be weird but assuming it's there are certain bad dreams like bad dreams involving your kids. No. Those are the absolute worst. But nightmares.

Spiders. But like a zombie nightmare. I actually enjoy these. You're in. Where I wake up. You like the relief? It's so crazy that you're in this horrific situation that it's not possible in the world. Well, there's no zombies,

but I enjoy a good zombie dream, even when it's a nightmare and I wake up and I'm like, oh man, oh, I'm so glad that was not real. And then he turns over and tries to go back to sleep. I want to get back there. Oh man, that was kind of cool. Now that I know I'm safe. Am I too old? I don't have

dreams like that anymore. It's not very often that they happen. Where's my imagination? Where's the last nightmare you guys have had? A zombie nightmare. And how long ago was that? It's long enough that I don't remember when it happened. What about you, Andy?

When's the last nightmare you've had? You just woke up in a sweat because... Old enough to not remember. That's how I feel. Really? You've never had an adult nightmare? Not in a sweat because old enough to not remember that's how i feel really you've you've never had like an adult nightmare not in a long time huh or you know if it's an adult nightmare it's something like my wife like she's married to someone else yes that's like i've had a couple of those oh no but like i used to watch cartoons as a kid and play imagination and build things

and i imagine that fed the nightmare dream world where i used to have this re a kid and play imagination and build things and i imagine that fed the nightmare dream world where i used to have this reoccurring dream where this this i was building a brick house around myself and a bear would break down the brick wall and come after me what kind of bear big old grizzly oh terrifying yeah it's been a long time for me um i don't really i can't think of i i remember a lot of reoccurring nightmares i had when i was a kid time for me um i don't really i can't think of i i remember a lot of reoccurring nightmares i had when i was a kid but as an adult i haven't really had them and so obviously i think the answer for everybody here is you'd rather just have the great dream and then wake up and have a fine day rather than oh yeah i had a horrifically bad dream but now i've got

the same day so i'm gonna re i'm gonna rework this question just just a little would you rather have a nightmare every single night and wake up you're fine or would you rather have your wives have a dream where you've cheated on them and you wake up and have to deal with the ramifications of doing nothing but totally upsetting your wives. Because we've all been there. Dude, I did the opposite like two weeks ago. It was you? Yes, because we've talked about this all the time. I actually had the dream.

And I couldn't get over it. Oh, yeah. It's like, what did she do? You know that there's something behind this. For hours, I couldn't get over it oh yeah it's like what did she do you know that there's something behind this for hours i couldn't get over it do you do you have the thought of like maybe my subconscious knows something that i don't know because maybe that's what they're thinking when when they have the dream is like i didn't i don't have anything on the side here this is no i just had the acknowledgement that i must be very insecure and needing of affirmation a good self-reflection because i'm saying on this case

give me them nightmares give me them nightmares every night it helped that the gentleman in this dream was like not good looking and worked at like barnes and noble or something oh that would be worse that's what i was thinking i'm like i would say it helped dang it i always thought that was better now you're telling me it's worse because it could be anyone her bar is way below you like if it was like oh i i did this but my my wife oh she's with zach efron i'd wake up and be like oh that's true well of course i would be too yeah oh my gosh oh man that's so much worse oh you guys have really ruined this for me now you're going back there tonight

enjoy it yeah you're gonna be able to get back to your dream congrats crap all right is this real life okay al bor, lay it out for us. What are we doing? You guys are coming to the... Excuse me. Sorry about that. You have a mute button. I gave him a long amount of time.

You totally gave him a very slow, long intro so he could get prepared to talk. I did. You caught me off guard because this is a segment where you guys are coming to the table with the articles that you found. That's what he was looking for right there. I'm looking for what you're saying right now. I wanted you to explain the segment. So what you guys are going to do is...

Back to you, Andy. Back to you. Give me more time. Next time. Thanks, Andy. Back to you. Give me more time. Next time. Thanks, Al. All right, I'll explain it for us. Thank you, man. We have each gone and found a... We've each gone and found an article that is pretty unbelievable,

and we are bringing it to light for the enjoyment of us all. So who wants to start? Oh, my gosh. I'll go first. All right. Because at first when I read this story, I didn't even know if this could be a story we talk about. Too real?

It was too real. Uh-oh. Are you ready for the headline no ugly man ugly man loses wife to uglier man from barnes and noble too close to home all right now indiana parents say their adopted eight-year-old oh was that what she was the adult? Was actually a woman with dwarfism who tried to kill them. What? What? I heard about this.

I did not follow up, but I remember hearing the article going around. This was like a week or two ago. Wait a minute. You're right. They abandoned. They abandoned their adopted daughter. But it wasn't an eight-year-old. I don't know.

Well, here's where the rest of the story comes true. They abandoned her. Before they abandoned her, they had the girl's age changed to 22 before they abandoned her and left for Canada. How does one do that? Wait a minute. We can just change our age? Excellent.

I'm 24 again, Bob. Yes, me too. But a doctor examined the girl three years before they abandoned her and deemed her to be an eight-year-old girl. She does have a rare form of dwarfism and is from Ukraine. But the family insists that she tried to kill them multiple times. What is happening? That she's a sociopath and a con artist and actually an adult who got herself adopted.

What? As a pretend eight-year-old. But a doctor gave her the green light as an eight-year-old? So they basically got arrested for abandoning their daughter. Which one is it though? their daughter. Which one is it though? But they pled not guilty to child neglect charges on the basis that she's actually a grown up dwarf trying to murder them.

Whoa. And then you wake up and you go, oh good. It's just a regular day. I mean, this is the Roger Rabbit. What was the baby in Roger Rabbit? Who had the cigars? I know what you're talking about. Oh, that's like the grown up.

Nobody knows his name. But like he would always, he would just go into a house people know his name nobody knows i'm looking it up yeah look because you have to yeah it's baby herman thank you did you know that or did you look that up i looked it up yeah exactly my boy i looked it's baby it's baby hervin uh so that is wild yeah i mean apparently this baby maybe eight year old has ruined their life they're now since divorced how do you she's now either sick the end of the story reads this the girl who's now either 16 or 30 years old has not responded for comment oh Oh, my goodness. Okay.

Well, I've got one equally as wonderful. North Carolina assisted living facility workers. Oh, no. Accused of running a dementia resident fight club. Oh, my gosh. What? So they ran a fight club among dementia residents in an elderly place. But it's like, or did they? Did you do it?

Well, I mean, rule number one. You don't talk about the fight club. Rule number two is you don't remember anything about the fight club. What is happening? I know. So three women were arrested. But here's the thing. There are multiple locations.

It's a franchise? I think they were starting a tournament style, like an AFC, NFC thing here. But there's video of these 70-year-old dimension patients having fights. No. Those have to be the worst fights possible. Nothing's happening. I want my money back it's the first person to fall over loses and they lose big let's say you've got this thing going how do you have that first conversation with the neighboring dementia nursing home to get it started over there how does that

first conversation oh my goodness listen we're doing something pretty pretty special over here like hey man you cool that's how the conversation starts don't worry they won't remember oh that's this is on par with like horrifying the there horrifying. There have been people, and this is sad, but there have been people that, you know, they pay the bums to fight each other. Yeah, that was a big problem a few years ago. A few years? Wasn't that like the 90s? Was that later?

What, Jason? I'm 24 again. Oh, okay. Yeah, that was just a few years ago. I must speak in relative terms. I forgot. Wow, that is real disturbing. Yeah.

Is this real life life i hope not what's what's interesting about this article that i'm going to talk about is the the headline is startling and then you realize well maybe maybe this is okay but california legalizes eating roadkill what wait wait it was illegal to eat roadkill but now it's legal that now you can headline yes is it it is now legal to eat roadkill yes now roadkill is only considered things that were killed on a road by a car vehicle yeah so like if you strike a deer and the deer dies you now can register through the state and apply for a 24-hour wildlife salvage permit oh good i'm glad it wasn't a hunting no wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait i went hunting there's a period of time between hitting the deer and registering for a 24 i can eat the deer permit. There's going to be an app.

There's going to be an app. No, no, no. That's for real. There's a big to-do. What, you just take a picture? People are going to be flying their vehicles into the forests. So the program will allow drivers who fatally injure or stumble upon. So you don't even have to be in the...

You can just stumble upon. This looks fresh. A deer, elk, antelope, or a wild pig, and you can remove it as long as you sign up for the 24-hour wildlife salvage permit. It's a pilot program, though. Oh, well. It's going to start in three areas

and then be evaluated for expansion. They're really hoping to roll it out nationwide. I mean, is this something where, like, there was a problem with carcasses on the side of the road? Yeah, there's a lot of that. And so they're like, look, guys, let me pitch you the solution. What if we tell people, it's okay, you can eat it. Now legal in California, picking up the trash and eating it.

Now it's super legal. So you can do it, but they're also using this and then they're going to use the app of like high traffic areas if there there's a lot of reports happening then they're going to go figure out why are so many animals being hit right here so they'll use it to improve the driving situations that's i mean we don't i mean that is the only but they get there sounds good but to get there i can't imagine ever hitting an animal and being like, man, I wish it was legal for me to scoop that thing up. I know. There's a lot of emotions that would go through.

None of them are can I eat that right away. The animal. You've got to worry about the ramifications probably to vehicle. Are you okay? All of these. I'm starving right now. Problem solved. I could really go for some of that meat over there.

All right. Well, that is. This is a weird life, man. Is this real life? Yes. That's a surprise to me. All right. We ready to draft?

Yep. The Spitballers Draft. All right, Al. I'm going to give you a second shot. I'll give you one more chance. Give him a little bit more time here before he comes in. Al Borland, why don't you explain what we're drafting? Today we're drafting must-have smartphone apps. So you have a phone that has the base functionality of receiving and making calls and text messages.

Other than that, there's no apps on it. And the four apps that you draft will be the only four apps on your phone. All right. This is challenging because I just saw this topic right before we started the show. You're only drafting four apps. It's very upsetting. There are also things on your phone you take for granted as apps you consider them basically as natural as text messaging and calling yeah and so i had a first pick but now i'm changing it yeah i'm struggling with my first pick i wanted the number one because there's such a clear cut easy obvious number one well i don't know if i've picked it or not jay because i'm flying by the seat of my pants with the camera app oh i want to be able to take a picture with my phone doki all

right you can't take a picture with your phone one closer to this guy no i look i i think i know where you're headed but i think having a phone, being able to take pictures, that's become pretty part and parcel with having a phone, not having to carry a camera. I mean, every year when you see a phone upgrade, the iPhone, the new iPhone, what's new on it? Well, it's kind of faster, and the camera is way better. I'm trying to think of what I would miss the most on my phone. And that, other than, you phone. If you already got text, camera's up there.

I'm going to throw mine out there, but I'm assuming that mine will cover all of the similar apps. You're so stupid. I don't like you. I will take the internet. That's the 101. Specifically, I'll take Google Chrome because I don't want any of that Safari crap to be anywhere on my phone.

So basically just the ability to look something up. A browser. It's an internet browser. Yeah. I think that makes sense. Jason, I guess that's what you were going with. Yeah, I mean, those were good picks. We had talked about this before the show where there are better apps.

You don't think of the internet as an app on a phone. It's just there. I didn't. That's why I chose camera. But if it was removed... But it kind of lets you shortcut some of the other potential apps that could be drafted. Exactly. I mean, that's the trump card here.

Does that mean it's the best pick? Well, I would have taken it 101 for sure. Well, let's see where you end up with these next few. All right. So... Oh, man. He pulls his phone out. You had one pick prepared? No.

So, here's the deal. All right. I know where I'm going. Yeah, okay. Tapped out. Here's the thing. I'm really debating. You know, for the last many drafts, I've been all about what I want over what gets votes.

Right? And here, I'm thinking, well, what I really want, what I use the most, the apps on my phone, they're very specific. They're too specific. Like, you know what I mean? Like, they're not going to do well. And I know what I should take here here i know the two apps i should take both social media apps kind of quarter that market sure but if i were to take those two apps you don't even know how to use one of them that is correct and i don't use the other

so this is like really really not me i think we were talking about the same one and then you implied i don't use one and i also don't you can see you don't know how to use the other no i know what we're talking about um so what are you going with but i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do it okay because in a way that's me yes so i'm taking facebook that's the one he doesn't use that's the one i don't use and instagram that's the one i don't use because I don't really know how to use it. You have no idea how to use it. Dude, I get how to use it, but I don't use it because how do you just take pictures of your life and say, everyone wants to see this?

I just, I can't get myself to do that. For a man who thinks he's on the Truman Show right now, I'm very surprised. Well, but I don't, you know what I mean? It's like they're doing it. Paparazzi, don't get me wrong, paparazzi should definitely be doing their job better and really flagging me down and getting me everywhere. But for me to do it feels just weird. What I love, okay, so your Facebook, Instagram.

So you have your problem with instagram because you feel like no one why would you be sharing all these pictures of yourself in your life however you have zero problems using my app to share your thoughts and your opinions yeah yeah totally because i guess i i think right now... I'll take Twitter. Okay. Sure. I was going to say, you're going Twitter. That's the one I use.

And that makes sense. I have no problem because it's... A lot of what I share there isn't necessarily... They're either jokes, which I think brings value to people. My opinions out there are usually jokes. People like pictures. Yeah, but they're not funny. I got to just start taking funny faces.

But see, what you do is if you're like mike and i you take the picture then the comment on the picture is very snarky and fun like mike says things like i like fuzzy shoes yes over and over oh it's so snarky um i do like so you took twitter yes so you took the the internet a third and twitter i was gonna going to say, Mike's accessing all of these browser-based. Well, that's what I was going to say. You can still get to Facebook through your browser. I'm going to take music apps. Okay?

Ah, very nice. I think that I should not have to select one certain subscription. That's a killer pick. But, I mean, that's just why you have it. That's how it all got started, right? Yeah. The iPod? I didn't even think of that one, and that one is great.

And then I'm going to go with the form of communication not guaranteed by texts and calls is email. Oh, goodness. So I'm going to go music apps, and I'm going to go email apps. I mean, those are juggernauts. Those are powerhouses. Well, you guys are down there in the social media landscape. I'm going to take the big ones. Yeah, those are both

pretty intense. Alright, I've got my next two picks. Alright, I... Man. Now you're up against it. I am up against it. I mean, I have a huge list here and it's where do I prioritize? I have to have this app. Oh, so you're prepared

for more than you're not searching for one no no i looked at my phone i said these are the apps that i use all the time and if i if i had a my my phone was wiped these were the ones i would hope i remembered to download right tune blast what is tune blast that's probably my most oh is that your fake uh candy crush game exactly that that's probably if you looked at my screen time which i would never let someone do be like what is tune blast and why are you on level 10 000 and why have has it been a subject of conversation for years now all right look you know when you make they're still updating i mean i haven't hit the

end yet so either they put it out right the first time or they're still updating. Hashtag not a sponsor. All right. There's some very functional apps. You only got to make one pick. I know. I know. But Jason is so confident in his picks that it's making me not confident in what I'm doing over here.

I will. I'll take YouTube. Oh, dang it. I don't have two a great pick that's a great pick that was one of my two thank you i i use youtube all the time and yes you can get there on a browser but it sucks the app is is way better that double tap for 15 seconds forward is crucial it's, it's a real problem too. It is. That is, man. Jason's browsing his phone. Toon Blast! YouTube.com slash SpitballersPod.

That's true. Check that out. Alright, so I guess I know one of my picks since I had two to go with and that's over. I'm going to take Maps. I thought that might trickle back to me and get some gps action going on you know i use it all the time whenever i'm looking things up even when it's like i'm no no we know what maps yeah we know what like a maps yeah well

we know how they work explaining explaining the pic whenever i'm looking for a location it's a real key app for me. Whenever I need to look at a map, I pull up my maps app, and I can see locations and streets. There's a pick that I can't believe you haven't made. Let's put it that way. That you can't believe I haven't made. Yes. I don't normally tease somebody else's picks.

But there's a pick. How well do you know yourself? All right. That if you don't make it. All right. No, I got it. I got it. And I wouldn't have had it if you didn't just say this.

Oh, yeah, of course. I am taking fantasy football apps. Oh, no, that's not the one, Jason. It is. What? But it is a great pick. It is. It's fine.

Whatever platform. You want to play on ESPN or Yahoo or whatever, I'm taking your fantasy football app. So wait a minute. What is this? Now I have to decide if I want to take it. Wait. You think you know it. Let me see.

No, I 100% know what it is. Oh, yes. It's Postmates. Yes, that was the app you wrote down. That was the one I expected. I'm not saying that's my pick. Oh, man. I'm going to starve to death.

Because there is a whole other section of apps that are i think are really important but these apps don't deliver wendy's to my house oh man so while you think mike terrible while you think jason took facebook instagram maps and fantasy football apps. I have the camera app, music apps, email. And then, Mike, you have a web browser. You have Twitter. You have YouTube. And real quick, I'll go ahead and correct. It's YouTube.com slash Spitballers.

Drop the pod. Oh, I apologize. The website is Spitballers pod. Correct. Again, YouTube.com slash... Slash Spitballers pod. Correct. Again, youtube.com slash... Slash Spitballers. I think you can get there now. All right.

Excuse me, how do you spell... I'm going to take the money apps, like PayPal, Zelle, Venmo, Apple Pay. I think that's solid. It's not as fun and as sexy as Postmates. It's very practical. But it's pretty important. And I hear the young people are doing a lot of Venmoing these days. Okay.

I will close it out without Postmates being drafted. I'm going to take Netflix. Waver wire claim. I'm taking the Netflix. Yeah, I didn't need it with my YouTube. Yeah, I mean, I get it. The part and parcel is a little bit different, though. And I think Netflix is key.

Do you guys watch Netflix on your phone? And that was the thing, because I've never once in my life. Very rarely do I do that. Yeah, I do. I think my iPad might have died on a plane trip once. And so I watch it on my phone. Yeah, I do. I think my iPad might have died on a plane trip once and so I watched it on my phone. Yeah, I do. I think a lot of people do.

So I'm going to go I'm going to close it out with Netflix. So Postmates and Uber Eats, those don't get drafted. I was going to say, we've been drafting genres. So if you drafted food delivery... Yeah, that would have worked. That's excellent. That's a high waiver priority pick.

I mean, and obviously you can do those from a web browser. Mike can order food from his web browser. I can do everything. Somehow I'm picturing you, because you drafted web browser, I'm picturing like a 1991 Netscape Navigator is how you're navigating the web. I specified Chrome. You did, but then we made it Web browser So on my short list

Uber and Lyft were on my short list But we don't live in a We're in the suburbs so we don't use it all the time Slack Not everybody uses it but if you're someone that uses Something like Slack Or what's that WhatsApp

When you use apps like that, they are your most. And the actual, the one that would be the most important for me personally and my brand, not so much for everyone else, but Giphy. Giphy is crucial to my life. It's how I communicate. Yeah, for somebody that doesn't like small talk, you don't mind small GIFs. No. If you could hold a GIF up in an elevator to somebody yeah wouldn't that be perfect i'll be

look maybe you pull your phone out i we've there's there's the whispers in the bushes that facebook is making the oasis right they're making the the virtual world for the oculus and if i can go in there and just live and then my communications in the little hubs or the town squares, I just throw up gifts, it's going to be great. My family will never see me again. They'll see you. In the Oasis. Okay.

All right. Like Brooks is shouting at his podcast apps. Podcast apps. Take it or leave them what did we learn today well i i learned that um i learned two things i learned that brennan frazier's peak was very small and i learned that chihuahua Island is a thing on the internet. I learned a couple of things myself as well. I learned that Mike hates being late. Yes. That was really revolutionary to my way of thinking. And I also learned that Andy is fearful that his wife might be into some grocery store clerk that's way below him.

It was Barnes & Noble. Oh, Barnes & Noble employee. That doesn't even exist anymore. Oh, yes, it does. It does? Oh, yeah. I take the kids there all the time. Barnes & Noble?

There is still a Barnes & Noble. You didn't know that? Who am I thinking? Borders. There was another one. Borders. There was another bookstore that used to be in the mall. I thought it was a B.

All right, no. All right. Well, they're gone. That's why you don't know what it is. They're definitely gone. Yeah, Borders is gone. You're talking about Dalton, right? Yes. It was called something Dalton. Yeah, we'll

figure it out. B and Dalton? Sure. Something like that. Who knows? If only we had an internet, if we could look that up. B Dalton. B Dalton, yeah. All right, we got there. No, Barnes & Noble is still going strong. They're slowly converting from books to toys and coffee. Yes. Toys? Oh, there's so many toys. Hold on. There's so many toys in there. Harry Potter toys. They're slowly converting from books to toys and coffee. Yes. Toys?

There's so many toys. There's so many toys in there. Harry Potter toys. They got more Harry Potter toys than books. No joke. They didn't have the book. I went there to get the seventh book. Nope, they didn't have it. But if you want a Harry Potter toy... They pivoted to toys. It's a lot of the novelty

stuff you see on our Spitballers desk. A lot of pop culture toys, games, magazines, coffee. I mean, there's books, but they're slowly being replaced by like Legos. Say, did they see the giant business model toy store?

Yeah. They're trying to absorb some of those customers. Toys R Us couldn't get it done, but you know who could? Barnes & Noble, baby. I guess so. So barely, that's what I've learned, that Barnes & Noble is still around. There you go. All right.

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