Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 73: Please...Tase Me Bro!

Episode Date: November 18, 2019

Find out what ‘Would You Rather’ turned Jason into a high salaried moocher. Then, we discuss how bad it would be to get tased or shot with ballistic bean bags. In the ‘Situation Room’, we find ourselves chasing meerkats, running from clowns, and living out the rest of our days as ocean animals. Things get bloody again as we close the show out with another fantastically stupid Battle Royale draft! Do not miss it!   Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, Spitwads, do you enjoy this show and you want just a little bit more? I do. Oh, there you are. I love this show, yes. Oh, that's not annoying at all. Head over to spitballerspod.com and find out how you can become an official supporter of this show and get access to the complete archive, spitballerspod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice,

explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. I'm out of carbon. I need some Scooby-Doo. That was just vomit. I mean, I applaud stepping out on the... I mean, Mike, you should speak to this. You're the scat man.

The landing was incredible flipping it to scooby-doo i don't even know what the start was i would have to go back in time to what did i say it makes me imagine somebody saying 36 words at the same time that's what comes out but the beginning was just so loud. Was it? So, yeah, I'm on tilt from just the world of sports. And so we're like, oh, are you ready to scat? It's like, oh, yeah, I'm supposed to scat today. And then Andy's like, we're going.

Yep. I wanted that to happen, I think. That's what you got. I think I bought a cat and named him Scooby-Doo. Yes. Believe those. I bought a cat Scooby-Doo. Might have been a car. I'm not sure.

But I bought something and I named him Scooby-Doo. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast. Andy, Mike, and Jason with you again. Would you rather? On the show today, we'll enter the situation room. Oh, and it's serious this week, fellas. You've taken a little sneak peek? I've previewed what we're about to face.

Serious situations? And it's intense. I have not, so I'm excited. And then we've got another draft, and we are doing another Battle Royale, and I will not tell you more than that until we get there, but it will be fun. You can find us on Twitter, at SpitballersPod. We are always excited to get your ideas for segments, that until we get there but it will be fun you can find us on twitter at spitballers pod we are always excited to get your ideas for segments uh your would you rather questions draft ideas

you can also send those to us on our patreon page if you're a spitballers supporter you can go over to spitballerspod.com it's for sophisticated people yeah spitwads as they say the most sophisticated let's jump right in It's for sophisticated people. Yeah, spitwads, as they say. The most sophisticated. Let's jump right in. Would you rather. All right, would you rather. This one comes in from somebody named Corner Preacher on Reddit. All right.

Would you rather earn $100,000 annually, but all your coworkers earn $200,000? Okay. Or would you rather earn $50,000 annually, but all of your coworkers only earn $25,000? In both cases, everyone knows what everyone earns. It's like the trolley debate. Do you guys know what I'm talking about? Like the great philosophical thing of you're running an out-of-control trolley, and the track splits, and it's like one direction is three people.

The other direction is more than that. It gets a little bit more complicated, but it's a philosophical debate of what do you do when you know you're going to have more at 50K, but 25K, I mean, that's not enough to live on. Yeah, that's poverty. You want to know the problem there is that all these people make a 25k they they're gonna be trying to mooch off of you they know plainly that you make double what they yeah so they're like hey you want to get lunch today you're you're buying or the other direction where you're like hey come on guys let's go to lunch and none of them can say yes oh yeah see but that's the problem on the other side right is like all your friends want to go, like, $100,000.

That's a lot of money. But when you make it $200,000, maybe you go out to extravagant dinners, and it's like, oh, I can't hang with you guys. So I thought the second part of this was going to be you earn $50,000, and everybody does. And so you're deciding, would you rather be at the bottom of the totem pole but make double what the number is? This is like a little bit of a jealousy analysis situation.

Do you want to be at the top or the bottom? Top or the bottom? Right. Or the bottom or the top? Yeah. I mean, that's what this is. No, that's true. That's exactly what the question is.

The only difference is, I think if the question was actually asked in that way i think it is more difficult than here because here in one of these situations you just you just get more money and so does everybody i feel like a jerk i feel like a jerk if i'm taking 175 000 away from everyone i work with right Right? Because you're either at $200,000 or you're down at $25,000. At the end of the day, you're making either $50,000 or $100,000. Right. The only reason to choose $50,000 is if you want to lord it over everyone else. And is that really a number you can lord over other people? No.

I mean, let's be real. Compared to $25,000, yes. But I think this is difficult. I mean, I think I'll just take the... I'll deal with my pride think I'll just take the... I'll deal with my pride, and I'll take the $100,000. I'm going to take the $100,000, and I'm going to be the moocher. I'm going to be...

You're still buying lawn. Nice. And now I've got $100,000, and I don't have to pay for lunch. Will you do half the amount of work? The $100,000 moocher. Yes, the $100,000 moocher. That's a great salary. Oh, yeah.

You always, I remember growing up. And you're mooching? Well, he has every right to mooch. You know, the reality TV shows where at the end you'd win a six-figure job or something like that. That's what this is. But I still get to mooch in this situation. Yeah, and that, I mean, you just your your co-workers make a lot

more than you that's all there is to it now do you have a problem doing the same amount of work for half the money i figured you might do half the work yeah i mean i'll i'll probably be doing half the work but guess who's gonna get fired first it's not gonna be me i only cost the company a hundred thousand dollars great point you gotta fire someone you gotta take care of old jimmy there he's at 200k yeah jimmy so you need to do just less than the 200k people who are doing the least exactly yeah there'll be some 200k bad employees i don't even have to do as much as them i just have to do near them right because you're so much so much cheaper. Exactly. Mike, which are you choosing? I'm throwing the 100. Okay.

So we're seeing through this one. What kind of a jerk out there would actually choose the 50 in this situation? If someone is listening, if you're listening and you're like, dude, I would totally take the 50, there's a problem there. Does it change for you, Jason? Would you take the 50 if everything is the same, the whole question is the same, but you sit in a very big chair with a crown?

Oh, like I've got a throne. Yes, you get a throne and you have a crown, but everything else is the same. That's just what you sit in for work. It's clear and kind of like manifested. This will not end well. While I would love, for the joke's sake, to take that, that would be so much worse than if I could just sit at a desk. If I'm making double and then I'm also put up in like a crown throne area, oh my gosh.

I would hate myself as much as everyone else would. But let's take the flip side. You're making double. All right, let's just say you're a monster and you took that. Okay. But everyone's doing the flip side. You're making double. All right, let's just say you're a monster and you took that. Okay. But everyone's doing the same work. Do you feel the need? Oh, do you have to do a lot more work?

Are you going to be the best? Nah, I don't feel that. Just going to take the money? I'm just going to take the money and wear the crown, sit on my throne? All right, Bethany from Patreon has another would you rather question for us. Would you rather be shot by a police taser or

a police beanbag shotgun? Let's explore this for a moment. I know my answer and it's very easy. The beanbag shotgun is not like getting hit with a beanbag. You know what I mean? It's not like getting hit with a beanbag you know what i mean like it's not like someone's throwing a beanbag and yet it is i mean sure but it's made

to be a non-lethal bullet right it's made to take someone out incapacitate them and take away their abilities yeah and it's funny when i up, somehow it got in my head. Someone had told me that there were salt bullets. Have you ever, like... There are. You can buy, like, a toy gun, and it shoots salt pellets. I think the marketing factor is shoot at flies in your house. Well, okay.

We have that, actually. They have it. But I didn't mean that. I meant like a bullet that is made of salt so it would create a wound, and then as a kid, I thought it would- And then burn more? And then burn more. That's what I thought as a kid.

I was like, oh, that's a bad bullet. I'm shot. Do you want to get hit by the hollow point or the salt burner? Thank goodness there's no salt in this bullet wound. That's what I thought as a kid. And they followed it up with the super soaker with lemon juice. Lemon on my wounds. No.

It's a bullet wound. In my head, it was like that was an alternate non-lethal form was the salt bullet. What's worse? A paintball gun or a beanbag gun beanbag it's got 100 this is like a police officers al borland i'm sure you've been shot by a beanbag gun before how big are these beanbags i i have not been shot by one i believe they're about three inches or so oh that's a pretty big beanbag look oh that's gotta hurt there was a there was an mtv show back in our day uh growing up and these fellows did random stunts and yeah the donkeys yes usually the the stunt just involved

getting hurt in some fashion if you've watched they have definitely done being hit by the bean bag and then they show the aftermath and they show that bruise that they have the next like two days later looking at the bruise no thank you that thing's gonna hurt for a long time and if you get hit wrong you could die from that yes if you get hit in the wrong place yeah 100 right through the neck well no like if you get hit right the wrong place yeah 100 right through the neck well no like if you get hit right in the wrong internal organ it's going to be a problem according to the statistics i have before me uh they can severely injure they can kill this is ridiculous they have caused around one death a year since their introduction wow well goodness well that

now that being said it can break the ribs that being said has a taser ever killed somebody i mean i would imagine over the course of time maybe someone like if you got like a pacemaker right like i got a little heart condition i get tased then it's just a little one but but back to the question of hand this is me i'm taking the taser i've 50 000 volt electric pulse have you ever been like like have you you ever gotten a real electric shock? Not on any level of note, no. The only time that I can remember that I got a real electric shock, and I don't know how this compares to anything.

When I say real, it's a question mark air quotes because I don't know how real it was, but the story of how I got it was pretty stupid. So I was a teenager doing a job where we were... I stuck a fork in the outlet. You're not far off, Mike. Oh, no. No, but it was...

So I had a summer job where I was helping a dad's friend in a painting company. So our job was we'd come in, we'd tape off all the lines, we'd wash the walls with trisodium phosphate, and then he'd come in and paint. So I'm washing these walls. I've got my rag. I've dipped it in the TSP water, and I'm cleaning these walls, and I just, with this wet rag, I just go right over an outlet.

I'm just wiping the wall, and I just wipe with a wet rag right into the outlet, and I got buzzed. Yeah. And it was, at first, I had no idea what happened. I shocked the tar out of me, and it did not feel good. Okay. But I don't know how that compares to a taser a taser i've i had a very very similar situation just with with the shock where it was uh plugging

equipment and plugging like a guitar amp into like a real an outlet that's very suspect and i don't know if like my finger went in between the prongs or whatever but i i got it i got the business and it is a very strange sensation where your your entire body all of a sudden just is revolting it says no i don't i don't work anymore but i'll take the taser and i'll experience a couple seconds of pain There was a video I saw the other day of a very unlucky gentleman, and it was late at night and he was walking his dog. He got tased and beanbagged. Well, I was just reading that.

Yes, that's it at the same time. Right. That would be very unlucky, Mike. You're right. Apparently, there's a high amount of voltage in a taser, but you don't get a high amount of amperage, and apparently that's the difference between immobilizing you or getting a bolt of lightning. This gentleman was walking his dog in the middle of a parking lot late at night and got struck by lightning on camera.

Oh. Completely stopped his heart. What? And on video, instantaneously, a car, the last car in the parking lot, with the last three people at this entire business park, pulls up, instant CPR, saves his life, and he goes on his way. I really hoped you were going to say he pulled out the jumper cables. He pulled out a taser. Pulled out a taser, shot the guy.

The heart was stopped, so he pulled out the jumper cables. Wouldn't it work in reverse if the guy's been electrocuted? It's like, oh, good, my car battery's dead. Let me hook up to this guy. And then you drive away. I get a charge. This guy's full of juice. I mean.

You saw it in your mind. He doesn't need more. That would be such an insult to injury of like, oh, check this out. He just got struck by lightning. You saw a resource on the ground. Yeah. A charged battery. Yeah.

Exactly. Oh, thank goodness this guy's alive and well. Now, do either of you guys. I'm going to take the taser. I think the other one's going to hurt too much. Unless you promise me I can get a beanbag to the booty. And then I might take the beanbag. No way, man.

It's going to hurt to sit for days. Yeah, but it's not. The taser, once it's done, it's done. You get a couple marks on you. Yeah, and they have to pull the fish hook out. Yeah. Wait, there's a fish hook? There's not a fish hook.

Yeah. Yes. That's how they conduct the electricity. How do you think that thing gets in you? Wait. You didn't know this? I thought it touches. Well, there's the cat claws, I think they call it, where they put it up to you.

But an actual police taser, it shoots fish hooks out. Two prongs get shot out at you and go into your skin. Oh, my gosh. It literally looks exactly like a fish hook. Oh, my gosh. So that's why I take a beanbag to the booty. There is part of me. Something I never thought I'd say.

There is part of me that actually, like, I couldn't put this to the test. I want to say that I kind of want to be tased. Let me tell you this. Let me tell you this. I know this because my cousin did it. But they do training i and honestly i i can't speak to what it is if it's police training or what but they take volunteers and you go to be tased and you get tased and they actually

your payment is then they give you a taser like wait what do you mean your payment is they give you a taser so like for being the test subject okay you then oh you get you get a defensive taser to then to protect yourself taser international is headquartered here in scottsdale arizona and i that's probably what you're talking about they don't get taser crap but they do testing there and and yeah you can sign up for it if you so i get paid and my paid to get tased. My cousin did it. I watched my cousin get tased. And how did he like it? I don't think he did, because you go down immediately.

Well, you have no control over your body. It's involuntary. You muscle spasms. I'd like to know the rate of repeat volunteers. That's what I want to know. How many tasers do you need? What do you have, double? What do you have, Wyatt Earp?

I'm saying on an ongoing basis. Next month they need to test a taser. Does that person who's in there? He's saying you already got your taser. You don't need like to collect them. It's not like you're collecting figurines here. It's not money. It's a taser.

Maybe you're selling. But there are people that go sell their blood and their plasma and then they go. So maybe you're selling tasers on the side. What would it take for you guys to agree to get tased? I would just go do it. So you're saying if the three of us signed up... We're going to film a YouTube video. I would not.

Because there's risk, too. There is risk that if you catch your heart at the wrong beat, you could have a heart attack. I'm not taking that chance. That's just weeding out the weak. That's fine. You guys get your free tasers. I will say this as we move on to the wrong beat. You could have a heart attack. I'm not taking that chance. That's just weeding out the weak. That's fine. You guys get your free tasers. I will say this as we move on to the next question.

If you applied the get a taser rule to gun regulation, you probably have a lot less gun owners in the world. All right. Where do you want it? Where do you want it? You want a gun? All right. Marco from Twitter has another question for us, and it's a simple one.

Would you rather be a contestant on either Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune? That's what we have. Is this question like, hey, do you want a chance to win a whole bunch of money or look like a complete idiot on national television? Hold on. or look like a complete idiot on national television. Hold on. Let me think.

If I went on Jeopardy, genuinely, this is not a joke. If I got selected for some absurd reason, like I couldn't. It would be absurd now, wouldn't it? If they made a mistake and I went on, I would be the first buzz every time. Oh, yeah. I would just try to go as negative as I could go, and I would annoy the... Do you know how much fun it would be, though, if the three of us were the three contestants on a regular Game of Jeopardy? Because it would be first to 100.

I mean, at that point... Yeah. No, here's what would happen. Whoever doesn't ever buzz in would win, because they have the most money, because they have zero dollars. And the double Jeopardy comes up, and we just go, pass. No, thank you. How much would you like to wager? Zero. Zero dollars. And the double jeopardy comes up, and we just go, pass. No, thank you. How much would you like to wager?

Zero. Zero dollars, please. No, thank you. That would be, who would win out of the three of us? I feel like. That's just trivia. I mean, it's just luck of the category draw. In my past, I felt very, very good at trivia, but it comes down to the categories.

I don't think there are categories I could beat you two at. I am so bad at trivia. So, Mike, if you got anything in the musical realm, I feel like you would obviously be over. I would do okay, yeah. And then I figure you got a good retention, so general trivia. You got good grades, right? Yeah. Yeah.

So what is your expertise, Jason? Where do you really? I don't know. Apparently, it's this liquid you were talking about. I'd let it go, but you were blowing my mind the way you were throwing out like an actual scientific term. Oh, yeah. It's just a cleaner for a wall, TSP.

I'm sure Al Borland knows all about it. He does man things. I'm sure Al... I do, but I was very impressed along with Mike that you knew what that was. And not just TSP, but what it actually stands for. Right. So if the category was... Things you've been electrocuted while spraying on a wall.

Just how to clean walls. Yes, how to clean... Things used to clean walls. Oh my gosh. Then I would take you guys down big time. Is that on your resume? Yes, that's one of my skills and talents. Give me Wheel of Fortune.

Yeah, I think we're all in that boat. Let's move on. Skills and talents. Give me Wheel of Fortune. Yeah, I think we're all in that boat. Let's move on. The Situation Realm. All right, Mike says he previewed these.

I haven't seen them yet. Let's go. Steven from Twitter, here's the situation. The three of you are at a carnival, and things go south, and it turns into a horror park. Clowns and stuffed animals come alive. They're trying to kill you. You each have to win one carnival game to get out alive.

Who plays what game? So classic carnival games. You've got like what the milk bottle ring toss. That's a famous one. You've got the long shot basketball, but I bottle ring toss. That's a famous one. You've got the long shot basketball, but I always feel like those rims are unfair. PSA, walk around the side of these hoops, man. You look at the side, and those rims are smashed in. Wiffle ball, basket toss, water shooting game, the hammer slam.

Listen, small diatribe why do we just accept that part of going to a carnival is playing paying money to not be able to win a game because you think you can win dang it i can win and those hanging stuffed animals that are now alive and trying to kill you are enticing oh the girlfriend wants the big one. And you're, oh. If you want to know how pragmatic I am, when I go, I'm like, oh, crap. If I win this, I got to carry that stupid thing the rest of the day. But it's not the, you choose how to look at it. Because either you're on your side of like, man, I have to carry this. It's very inconvenient. But in the fair, you're the cool person.

If you're walking around with the big stuffed animal, you're the big cheese. That just means you cheated somehow. That just means you either did one of two things. You either bribed the attendant for it, or you spent $1,000 playing the game for a $2 prize to earn that bear. Here's the truth. The only game that I think people win at regularly,

I have won at, at the entire park, is the balloon popping with the darts. Okay. Oh, okay. Because usually the prize is tiny. They're just giving prizes out. You can't actually win that one.

And you probably can't. How do you really cheat that? Do they grease the balloons or something? I don't think that one's cheatable. So look, when the prize is some stupid little two-cent stuffed animal that is half the size of my hand, whatever. But when the prize is not getting eaten alive by horror clowns, I'm in. Yeah, the prize here is your life. Now, if you take that game out.

But that's the key. Do you just run and find the games that have the smallest prizes? Is that the clue? That's interesting. Someone's got like a Power Wheels hanging from the roof that they're giving away you're never gonna win that thing why did i say a power wheels who hangs a power wheel because if you were a kid power wheel if when you're a kid the power wheels is basically the top tier that's like but they wouldn't be ferrari gifts they wouldn't be hanging that from very stout hooks.

To me, I was thinking, okay, a car's a big prize, then I went Power Wheels, and then they're hanging there. Here's the truth. They're not going at this horror park. They're not going to have the easy games. They're going to have all the rigged games. So here's my recommendation to you two gentlemen.

The three of us sit down knowing that we will all die if we individually do these games. the three of us sit down knowing that we will all die if we individually do these games the three of us sit down at the water shoot in the clown's mouth and it guarantees that one of us oh because it's a competition exact one of us will but then we all look up and there's a fourth participant and it's one of these clowns oh that's gonna kill us then he's got it right on the target. The water shooter you can win, and the wiffle ball basket toss, you can win it. Got to have backspin.

You got to have sidespin. Oh. Sidespin is the key. There was a time in my life where I was a carny, and I say that because I was a very, very heavily bearded gentleman playing in a band, and we played the fairs. Yeah. You say that because you were a carny. Yeah. Well, I say that because I was a carny.

It's like saying, like, oh, you know, there was a time when I was a policeman, and I say that because I finished the academy, and then I worked for the New York Police Department. So, yes, you were a carnivore because you worked at the carnival. I more meant like that. My job was the music player. Go on. And we went.

There's a big convention every year. It's called the WFA. It's like World's Fair Association. Yeah, or Western. I don't know. But anyways. Sounds like a wrestling event. So we went to this.

We were performing. We were showing our wares. We're trying to get work to be carnies. And they had a couple games. Gotta earn it. They had a couple games there. And one of them was the basket toss. And you could just go play unlimited.

And so I went over over and I'm playing forever and I finally asked the guy, I'm like, how do you win this game? And he showed me. Because the workers of the basket toss can always do it. And I know they're a little bit further, a little bit closer, but they do it nonstop.

Every time they can do it. It's all about the side spin. Here's the thing. I was thinking about this the other day because the fair is in town and here in Arizona. What has YouTube done to that equation? here's the thing. I was thinking about this the other day because the fair is in town and here in Arizona. What has YouTube done to that equation? Because people go on YouTube and they can see how to win any game now.

Like there's no secret. It's not like you're going and you get a one time a year, you see the carny throw the ball. Like you could YouTube how to win in any of those games. Well, think about what we have just, this is a very large platform. A lot of people listen to this podcast.

Overall. Dozens. 50 carnies per. Think about what we have just done to the fair system. You announcing the side spin. Are they coming for us? They're not so nimble, Mike. They've been playing these same games for a really, really long time.

But the ring toss is out. That game is impossible. The milk bottle yeah the ring toss is out the game where you throw like the the ping pong balls into the glass containers that game is out when we have to shoot out the star that game is also out and basketball which is so sad because that's always the one i want to dominate at that's out because it you you have to shoot like a swish won't make it it's got to be better than that's out. Because you have to shoot... Like, a swish won't make it. It's got to be better than that. It's got to be something where it bounces around

and lays on the rim for a little bit before it squeezes through the rim. I wonder... Would you guys be interested in a system where you pay 50 bucks and you get a prize, but then you get to do the thing unlimited until you can conquer it? I would do that in a heartbeat.

Wouldn't that be kind of like just do it one time? It would be fun. If it works for the whole family. If my whole family can go and play all these games unlimited for 50 bucks, I would do that. And I will never go to a fair and spend $50 on these games. You know what I mean? But do you get the prizes? I mean, you don't get the prizes then.

I get a medium prize. Okay. One. See, we're really- And then my kids fight. See, we're going subscription-based carnivals. It's going to happen. Just imagining being there for days. Family, go ahead. I'll be here.

Yeah, that's the issue. The lines would be. But that's part of why you spend up to play again and again is the competitive nature. Like, man, just a couple more tries. All right. So in that case, I was going to say basketball because that's the one thing I feel like I can do competently. Yeah, you do that one. But I also feel like you need to prioritize a game

that you could do while potentially running away from these people trying to kill you. So the dart one makes sense. You just run, throw the dart, run by. You're in a safe zone. When you're playing the game, they're just... They're waiting outside to murder you? Yeah, they're in an arc around you. Yeah, holding hands like Red Rover style in a giant circle when you're playing the game they're just they're waiting outside to murder you they're they're in an arc around you yeah holding hands like red rover style in a giant

circle around the clown smiles and either of you guys find clowns exceptionally scary i'm not really scared of clowns i am not scared of clowns at all except when there is a horrifically scary clown mask. You know, like, if you dress up like a clown, like regular clowns, those aren't scary, but they scare people. I don't understand why. Yeah, it's because they're scary. But you're scared of clowns? I think they're creepy.

I understand why people. Maybe there's a difference between creepy and scary, but to me it's like anybody wearing a mask. You don't know their motives. You can't see through it. So just regular clown, though, you find it creepy unless yeah i get it until i get to know them makeup clown makeup clown not scary mask clown scary okay all right edwin from patreon one of our spit wads has a situation for us says, after an unfortunate altercation with your local wizard, of course,

the three of you must live the rest of your days in the ocean. Oh, Mr. Limpet's situation. Those will be short days. He reassures you that you will be able to communicate with all other sea life. He gives you the choice to be any sea creature or animal of your liking okay what are you choosing and why so you've got to live out in the ocean forever but you will be able to communicate and then apparently thrive yeah i mean this i feel like this is a pretty easy answer because if i'm out in the ocean i what are your biggest worries in the ocean it's

it's predators right so i want to be the predator i want to be the one that is winning these battles and while you know i i don't know if this is top of the food chain or if anybody else goes but the great white shark i believe it's the top yeah i'm taking the great white shark maybe orcas could get one yeah and and maybe you know if you're a giant you know blue whale maybe you don't worry you know great white shark's not doing nothing to you and that's kind of more my speed you know i'm just like try to get through this blubber um but i'm going great white shark because i also want speed. I want to be able to pop out of the water and see my old world. It's strength. And see, I actually went with speed.

So I was trying to, what's the fastest animal in the water? And apparently it's a sailfish. But you're vulnerable, man. A sailfish? No, look it up. A sailfish is like a marlin where it has the giant spear nose. I still feel like you're not at the top of the food chain. I'm not at the top.

No, you're pretty safe. You can go. Oh, I've seen these before. Back to my point. From the Cretaceous. This thing goes 68 miles an hour. What? In the water, which is basically as fast as a cheetah can run on the ground.

So imagine being able to swim that fast. Or a Prius. So that's like a Prius in the water. Exactly. But I have a giant spear nose. Well, that's not so bad. I'm being the sailfish. You know, it's interesting what we prioritized.

Now, the first thing I looked at was what sea creature has the longest lifespan by default. Isn't it a turtle? Is it the turtle? Well, what I found was a bowhead whale that is 200 plus years. And I'm thinking I'm a big old whale, so I'm resilient, right? Nobody's going to come and get me. Do you want to live 200 years as a whale?

Floating in the ocean, just taking in the sights, my man. 200 years of that? Yeah, there's a lot of ocean to see. Look at that internet. I bet it'd be great. Every time Mike makes a home somewhere as a sailfish, once a predator comes along, sure, he's not going to get eaten, but he has to move.

I think the only predator a sailfish has to worry about is man. And just because I turn into a fish, I'm still smart. The Jason will come and get you. They're not coming after me. They're going after the small. Oh, I'm coming straight after you. Now, other great whites. You will never catch me.

I'm 68 miles an hour, man. Dude, a great white. I'm so powerful. I'll catch. I'll eat the bow-headed whale. I'm just coming in from both of you guys. Mike, now, I don't know if it changes things, but you are locked in, unfortunately. 13 to 15 years is the lifespan of a sailfish.

Ooh, what do I got? What do I got? I've got 200 years. What's the lifespan of a greatfish What do I got? I've got 200 years What's the lifespan of a great white? You or a regular great white? My cholesterol as a shark is a little high 70 years Do you want 70 years as a shark

Or 200 as a bowhead? Look, I figure I got 70 as a human So I'm good with 70 as a great white You're only going 35 miles an hour, Jay. You ain't catching me. I'm going to sneak up. I will swim backwards and poke you in the face with my big sword nose. I'm 100 tons.

That's what I just figured out. But you're just there. You're not living. I'm not? No, you're not living. There's no L-I-V-I-N going on as a whale. You know what you do as a whale? You swim all the way to the north.

Doesn't it seem like we're just listening to their voice? They're not. Kill me. Kill me. Except nothing can. Here's the irony of the situation because we look up lifespans, and then you wonder when God created these creatures, maybe he was building in the level of enjoyment.

So the sailfish is 13, 15 years. They have a great, too much enjoyment. Just so much fun. Life too good. The shark, it's pretty nice. Like 70 years. And then the bowhead. All right, you get to live for a long time.

Kill me. Too long. I've seen all my friends die. I've seen every inch of this big blue. I fell. The sailfish has been dead for 150 years. My best friend. You know, it doesn't do him any favors to call him a bowhead.

I'll be honest with you. Got eaten by a shark. And now the shark's dead. All my friends are gone. And I'm here. Help me. They call him bowhead, too. That's not fun.

All right. Steve from Twitter. The three of you are given an assignment that you cannot refuse, which requires one person to solve a complex puzzle, one person to capture a meerkat, and the third person to distract a crowd and keep their undivided attention for 10 minutes this is great well i've got to be honest with you and so he wants to know who does what job these are three distinct skill sets complex puzzle capture a mirror cat distract the crowd i don't know how jason's not distracting the crowd yeah he has to be. I want to up it. I need 100 minutes. I got to keep their attention for 100. I'll do it. You're all over that.

It may take me 100 minutes to capture the meerkat as well. I'm going to boost the ego, Jay. Be careful for this. Watch out. This happened this morning. I came downstairs. The meerkat thing? No, but I came downstairs and and my middle boy, he says,

Dad, my sister's saying that Jason is funnier than you. And I said, yeah, because he is. You're so sweet, Mike. So you're taking care of the crowd for 10 minutes. So now Mike and I are competing on, like, do you want to solve the complex puzzle, or do you want to do the meerkat? I do like puzzles.

Here's the thing. But these are both a puzzle. The cat's a meerkat. I believe both of you. A puzzle of sorts. I believe both of you, and it could solve the complex puzzle. I really do. I think you put either one of you to the complex puzzle.

We're okay there. When it comes to catching the meerkat, that's where we've got to decide. This is tough, yeah. Who can catch the meerkat better? Now, Andy, you are back to the gym, right? You're working out. Sure. But you injure easily.

That's true. So you could be going after this meerkat and reach down, ah, my groin. I feel like I've got a little bit more wiggle and amir cat's nimble like i think i can you know i can i can juke a little better than mike yeah i've seen mike play defense on a flag football sometimes it's okay but the thing about amir cat is what were you saying about that i'm saying i'm glad he's got a good football iq because he gets to the right spot but based on the iq yes and i will not argue with this but when you're chasing a meerkat i don't think this is an above ground chase i think this is a you're in the tunnels they're in tunnel system

you got to figure out how to get so it's a bit of a puzzle yeah so at the end it seems like once the puzzle's done i mean you're hoping you're not waiting on the are you going to be waiting on the Meerkat guy or are you going to wait on the puzzle guy? The Meerkat guy. Because Jace is just distracted. Okay, so the Meerkat situation. Yes, for sure. Because between the three of us, we could put all three of us on the job. I'm not sure we're getting the Meerkat.

We've all done the escape the room before. It's true, yeah. And I think Mike's pretty good at puzzles. I think Mike could 100% handle the puzzle. All right, I'll take it Fair warning I watch a lot of Survivor Everybody volunteers to do the puzzle But if you're the one that can't do it

Everyone's watching you fail And they're all thinking I know how to do this puzzle And then you don't see the obvious thing Also all I can think about from EarCat Is when someone took like an Animal Planet video And dubbed over It's just screaming. All the EarCats screaming.

Hey! Yes. Hey! That would make it easier to catch them. If I knew where they were. Although that might be taunting me as they pop out of their holes. Hey! They eat things.

You could leave trappings. Trappings? Is that the... I think it's just called bait. Bait. Bait is the word I was looking for. In the biz, we call it trappings. Yeah, I mean, we're on this side of the cameras.

It's trappings. Okay. All right. I think we figured that one out. Let's get into the draft. The Spitballers Draft. Okay, this one is actually going to be very fun. From time to time

we do these Battle Royale drafts. We've been inside of Al Borland. Remind us of some. We've done, what, Disney characters we threw into a coliseum? We've done... Yeah, we've done a hardware store, a food fight to the death in a grocery store so are we we're back in the coliseum i assume yep and we are drafting

the we can only choose nfl team names yes so you know we're talking about the entire nfl so like if you wanted to battle with a dolphin. Yeah, dolphins. Which I highly recommend you guys do. Of course. You could pick the Miami Dolphins. That would be just like me, considering I picked a sea triton for the Coliseum last time, and there's no water.

So we're picking from all the different teams, but we're trying to assemble a four-pack of teams that will defeat the other two in a coliseum it's gonna be rough and who has so jason has the first pick i have the first pick and while i think that's a pretty bad draft to have the first pick there is one there is one team that has what should be a trump card right i don't don't know. You tell me when you pick it. Yeah. And that's going to be the Tennessee Titans. Yeah, okay.

You got it. Because a Titan, okay, maybe you've got a bill, you know, a nice buffalo. And that's tough. That's a beast. Maybe that'll get drafted. But, like, a Titan in mythology is like an all-powerful being. It is.

A creator, a god of... The Titans were at war with the gods. Yeah, that's so... Yeah. They lost. Come on, Buffalo. But there was still a war. Right.

So the Titans, I think that's got to be the one. And I feel like maybe this is a good one-on-one because no matter what you draft, I don't think there's anything else out there that can beat a Titan. I'm going to give it a shot, though. Come on, man. I'm going to take the Giants.

Dang it. Because a Giant, that's another word for a Titan for all I care. So I'm taking the big boys, the Giants, with pick number two. I will say this, Jason. I thought you might force for the trees there and miss the Titans. I was hoping it would drop to me. But give me them Giants. They're big.

They're strong. They're going to wrestle with you. Yeah, because it's like, do you want, I mean, a lot of these teams are animals, vicious animals. And obviously, like, I can't hang, you know, with a cougar. If I was fighting a cougar, the cougar is going to win. But if I'm a giant, if I'm 30 feet tall and you give me a little cougar, that's like me fighting a cat. I'm going to win that fight.

So the real question is where does Mike's got a couple of picks here, but he might need a couple of picks to go up against the size situation. You guys clearly took the top two picks. I was hoping someone would be dumb and let one of them fall, but that did not happen. So now I get what I believe would be the best of the animal group for this fight. Someone had to enter the animal group. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's where I have to go because I'm not taking the 49ers.

I don't need a someone searching for gold i don't think like a 49er yeah i don't think they're gonna fare very well pickaxe right and i in a you'd leave that coliseum rich and beaten up i mean if there was gold there did you say you get a pickaxe yeah that's fine that's the finding the golden lining of that situation a human with a pick i'm also 50 years old with a giant gray beard. Hold on. Are you trying to bait him into the pickaxe? I said I'm not taking it.

No, no, no. It sounds really good now, Mike. Maybe you're a dummy. All right. Give me the gold. That's how they all laugh. Yeah. All right.

For the first pick, I'll take the bears. Yeah, of course. Of course. I believe that is the best of the animals. I feel like there are two. There's a 101 and a 102 of the animal world. See, there's a few. There's three, and I'm not sure which one is better between the next two.

But I... Hold on. I'm going to do some research. You guys talk. You have another pick. You do research. You're on the clock. I want to check out size, man.

Okay. All right. Real quick. I'm on the clock, so I can work it out. What are the Packers? They put stuff into a box. Right. They help you move, and so they could really...

I'm sure they've got some tape. You know? They've got... Who are you trying to sell him? When you've got the tape roll, the edge of that thing is pretty sharp. I'm just trying to understand what the Packers are. Like, genuinely. Oh, I know what they are.

Tell me. My family, my wife's family is from Wisconsin. And Wisconsin was full of paper mills. So I think it has to do with. So it is a Packer. It's legitimately. It's literally a Packer. Yeah, I think it has to do.

It was the Acme Packing Company, I believe. Oh, okay. So it's literally like that's what the best they could come up with. Well, no, I mean, it's a simple time. We had Black Sox and White Sox and Red Sox. There is a team that is a landmine. I'm letting you guys know. A little tricky landmine.

You're letting us know ahead of time? Yes, and if you pick them, I'm going to laugh because then I will reveal what they were named after and what they actually are. It will be fantastic. And you're going with the Browns now, right? No. So what I was checking was the size of a couple animals. I will take the Bengals. Okay. The Cincinnati Bengals.

Were you doing a little bit of a size check between them and like lions and things like that? I was 100% seeing how big a lion is compared to the Bengal tiger. The Bengal tiger is was 100 seeing how big a lion is compared to the bengal tiger the bengal tiger is 490 pounds where where a lion's more like 420 pounds are any of the nfl teams named bowhead whales because i'll be out there for 200 years you'll never get me so here's the thing i had a pick lined up but But now I feel like, look, the Giants, I mean, I think they can kind of kick around the Bears and the Bengals.

But my other pick that I was going to go with, now I feel is very vulnerable to your animals, Mike. And so you've backed me into it. I'm going to take the Lions. Yeah, you got it. I need an animal on my side. See, I would have taken the Lions over the Bengals. It's a tight choice there. it i'm gonna take the lions yeah you got i'm gonna i need an animal on my side see i would have taken the lions over the bangles it's a it's a tight choice i think if a lion and a bangle were

to fight the lion would i don't know he's the king he is the king bangles not the king is there a like kind of nature sensitive way to do that like let them do that i'm sure you could look it up but like no no i mean like for my entertainment the bangle tiger is not in africa as far as i know i think it's in india so like they're yes he's the king of the jungle but you don't that's because the bengal tiger's not there to be the king they could be they could be and the main i mean the main's imposing it is on a line so you kind of think that they're stronger in which one killed Val Kilmer a bunch in that movie? Killed him a bunch? That was not a bunch, but...

That was the... Ghost in the Darkness. Yeah, with Mike... I almost said Michael Keaton. Michael Douglas. Michael Douglas. No, that was a story, but that was a true... That was Lions. Based on a true story.

Yes. Or no, or it was... Yes, it was... I think it was Lions. Pretty sure it was Lions. Okay. I think, actually, it was Bengal Tigers. I think.

Was it? Yeah, I think so. All right, Jason, you've got a couple of picks so far. Okay. was lions pretty sure with lions okay i think actually it was uh bengal tigers i think was it yeah i think so all right jason you've got a couple of picks so far i have the giants and the lions mike has the bears and bangles and you have the titans and then two more picks all right i'm i'm wondering who would win in a fight it's lions andy oh is it okay that what it goes in the darkness was lions just clear we want to be accurate here on the show with our pop culture references. John Vardy, the owner of the Lundalzi Reserve in South Africa, always asks between a lion and a tiger if they were to fight. If a tiger and a lion had to fight, which one would win?

There's a quote. Well, I've seen tigers crunch up full-grown leopard tortoise like it was nothing, and lions try, but they just don't get it right. If there was a fight, the tiger will win every time. Excellent. Now that's just a quote from this person. Like a person with knowledge of animals. It doesn't matter.

I've got the Titans. Yeah, I got another quote, actually. Titans don't exist. That's from reality. Okay, that's fair. That's fair uh i've got another quote for you don't exist you have andre oh thank you okay um all right so i've got two picks here um you know there's so many humanoid you know like vikings were vicious people sure but can they really hang with how animals? How many do you get? Right.

It's plural. It's not a Viking. You get plural. I consider it to be... Two? Just a... I'll give you five. Oh. Of everything or does size matter?

If it's larger, you get one. If it's smaller, you get many. I think Al Borland has to speak on the topic. I was thinking just one. That was... No, it does make sense to have just one because it's still the bears. You don't get multiple bears. I'll back off that because that's hard to

you don't want a gaggle of Vikings coming after you. Come on. You've got the lions, the bears, and the bangles taken from the animal world. I think I'm still living in the animal world right now. I feel like I know your landmine. I feel like I know what it is think I'm still living in the animal world right now I I feel like I know your landmine

I feel like I know what it is and I'm not gonna do it but I really hope that uh that Andy does oh boy all right let's go with the first air attack oh nicely done I thought about it but the bangles were there I had to yeah I mean. What do you mean the first? What are you taking? The only, right? No, not the only. There's several options. I could take the Cardinals. Okay, so I got you. Tweet, tweet. This is a beautiful red bird. What a beautiful

distraction. Exactly. What do you got? I'm going to take the Eagles. I think they're the top flight attack. They're a predatory bird that you can't reach the the animal you know come down pluck your eyes out type of situation and uh not even the giant can reach them let's say that's really just about it though right i mean they'll come down to pick your eyes out they'll take off again if i got to fight all blind animals and others that That's enough. That one

of my four pick, you've done a good job. I think that I've got to compete in some way with the Bengal and the lion. It's certainly not as good. Trying to decide between two cats.

The two cats. The panthers or the jaguars. Which one's better? Let me find a quote from catking.net. Let's see here. Well, here's the problem. If you search Panthers fight Jaguars, you just get an NFL film of the Panthers fighting Jaguars. It doesn't matter what you find on the web. It matters what our listeners think when they think of those two animals.

It's true. That's what's going to define the vote. They're not going to do research. I mean, they could, but I doubt they will in the poll. Here's my uneducated guess as to these two animals. I view the jaguars as faster, but I view the panthers as a stronger beast interesting so i'm gonna take the strength of a panther because i'm not trying to just get away from the fight and run away like you know if you get a jaguar and he's just running and i can't catch him whatever

i'll use my magic from my titans but um yeah so those are mine. I've got the Panthers, the Eagles, and the Titans. Yes. Okay. I'm going to throw a little wild card into the equation. Wild card! Not the one that Mike is suspecting. Or is it? It could be.

I don't know. But I'm actually going to take the Cowboys. Because I want some rooting. You get a gun. I want some guns in the equation. And the Cowboys are bringing them to the table. Do you get a horse? Oh, yeah.

No. Yes, you do. Al Borland, do you get a horse with the Cowboy? I don't think you get another animal with him. That'd be too big. You'd be drafting the Broncos and the Cowboys. Yes. Absolutely not.

I think the Cowboys... A cowboy is defined by having his horse. No, he is not. He's someone who works on a ranch. He's got a six-shooter and a lasso. You get the six-shooter. That's fine. Wait, wait, wait. I just googled definition of a cowboy.

I'm going to read it. Oh, no. A man typically one on horseback who herds or tins cattle, especially in the western U.S. and is represented in westerns and novels. So it sounds by this, you get to pick, Andy. Do we get the movie cowboy who has a six

shooter or do we get the Google definition who has a horse? Oh, gun or horse. Because there's no gun in this situation okay hold on i'm going to throw this up to al borland i'm not going to just uh make myself susceptible to your binary choice here i just looked up dallas cowboy's historical logos from 1966 to 69 it included a horse did it have a six-shooter? I don't know. You don't know, but you're looking at it. I want the six-shooter, ultimately. So I'll let Borland.

It's not going to be on the draft. Yeah, it's not going to be in the poll. The poll will just be cowboys. Yeah. You can make your own assumptions. All right. I'm still taking them. I got my gun.

All right. When you think of a cowboy, they've got a gun. We're getting further down the list where you got to get creative or grab stupid options. All right. All right. The Ravens bring bad luck. The Ravens will eat your eyes out. That's for sure.

My Eagles will eat your Ravens. Yes, that is also true. All right. So I have two picks to close out my team. I'll take. Drew. All right, so I have two picks to close out my team. I'll take... I'll take... You took the Panther? I took the Panther.

Are you taking the Jaguar? Yeah, give me the Jaguar. Wow, you are animal heavy right now. Because what is the other people going to do? You need... A Raider? Yeah, but you need some conniving. You need some thinking.

You need a Buccaneer. Yeah, I thought about- A swashbuckling. Those are both on my list. All right. It's on my list. I thought about taking both of them, and then you're just from the ocean. Two ships arrive, and off come the raiders and the buccaneers.

I would much rather have a Viking than either of those. I feel like a Viking is made to murder. A Viking's going to be way tougher. A buccaneer is made to plunder. With swords? Sure, but they're just going after... Vikings have, like, they've got swords and axes. And yes, a buccaneer probably has...

A thirst for blood. A buccaneer probably has the gun, but it's that single shotgun. Not shotgun, but single shot gun. All right. Would you... Okay, that's a different question. Would you rather have a single shot gun or a sword? Because if we're in a fight- You got one shot.

Are we talking about the pirate guns where they're not accurate either? Sure. But if I get you, I win. No, not necessarily. I can still get you with my sword. The sword might not do a lot against a, I don't know, bear, Bengal, or jaguar. Yeah, it's helpful against the people. Yeah.

All right, Mike has a final pick to decide on, and it is difficult. It is very difficult. Do I want another fast animal? Do I want to take to the air like Jason? And I feel like a do. I'm going to take the falcon. Okay. I'm going to take the falcon.

I need some air. I need some speed. Better than the ravens. Yes. A raven is not a predatory animal. No. If you're locked up on the ground. It'll spread some secrets for you.

Oh, man. I just thought of a good one. Yeah, it's interesting. So Mike has the bear, b, Jaguar, and Falcon. Jason's got the Titan, the Eagle, and the Panther. And I've got the Giant, the Lion, and the Cowboy. I feel like mine is the most diverse team. But now I'm a little frightened of Mike's fury of animals coming my way

because he's got all animals. Yes. So the Raiders, the Buccaneers, thinking about those Vikings. I thought about going to Texans because I know they're packing. That's what I was just packing. He you got a whole arsenal of weaponry. But I got Texan. I got my cowboy.

Yeah. So he's probably from Texas. I think ultimately then and I thought there was another trap pick. We'll talk about it after. I will go with the Vikings. Okay. I will go with the ferocious attacker made to conquer. Give me a Viking.

I'm feeling good with giant lion cowboy Viking. Now, the thing with the trap is even if you put the pole up without releasing the trap, people are going to think that it's not actually. I'm going to guess your trap. All right. It's the Jets. No. Oh, really?

The Jets were one of the traps. Yeah, because you're in a coliseum. They could bomb everybody, and then you're in big trouble. Well, here's the thing. The Jets is like, oh, it's a fighter jet. I would take that in a heartbeat. The trap that I thought is when I looked up why were they named the Jets, it was based on them being near LaGuardia.

This was like airliner. You were going to jump all over that if somebody said it. Oh, I was. I just assumed Mike was going to jump over it. I thought that was going to be your first pick. No. No. As soon as I found out, it's not like a fighter jet.

I mean, because that would be awesome. And also, my Titans could beat the Airbus. Probably. All right, take your last pick. All right, my last pick. I'm just going for girth here. Wouldn't be the first one. I'm going to take the Buffalo Bills.

That's the trap. Yeah, baby! Wait a minute. No, the trap was the Jets. They're not Buffaloes, man. They're not Buffaloes. That's the city. That's the logo.

You got a... The logo. We just talked about the logo for the Cowboys. The Buffalo Bills franchise was named after the Buffalo Bills, a popular barbershop quartet. Are you kidding me? Mr. Sandman. I just drafted a quartet. Bring me a treat.

You're darn right you did. Oh, my goodness. No way. I saw you write it down, and I held the poker face. Hey, at least now. Mr. Sandman. Okay, Borland, I get the whole quartet, though, right? This is a four-pack if they're going after a quartet.

You get four dudes with razors. How about that? Would you rather have four dudes with razors? Yeah, they're going after a quartet. You get four dudes with razors. How about that? Would you rather have four dudes with razors? Yeah, they're in a barbershop. Would you rather have one buccaneer or one cowboy? Dude, I'll take the cowboy. I will. I'll take him first.

A whole sea. A whole sea of barbershop quartet men. I'm going to sing you to sleep. How wonderful that you tripped yourself into it. It doesn't matter. I've got the Titans. And when you put it up, people will believe that it's a Buffalo. But I'm like, I started actually thinking about it.

I'm like, a bill? What is a bill? Is it money? Am I drafting a... Clinton? I looked it up. Barbershop. I thought you might have had a trick.

I don't know what the actual Chargers. I was trying to figure that out. I wanted to get some lightning action into my roster, but I was worried Mike was going to tell me, the trap thing kept me away because I was worried that the real Chargers is really you drafted a piston from a 54 Chevy. But we did it.

We got it. And how spectacular is that, Jason? All right. So it was named that because, frankly, he picked the Chargers name when he purchased an AFL franchise for Los Angeles. I liked it because they were yelling charge at the sound of the bugle at the Dodgers game. So it's just someone running. Thank goodness for that. That wraps up.

We'll have to do that with some of the other sports leagues at some point in time. I'm going to get the jazz. Oh, yeah. You've got to. I've got my quartet. You do. If I get some jazz music playing. Or, you know, I'm surprised you didn't take the Browns after some bad Mediterranean.

Oh. What did we learn today? I learned that the Bills were named after a barbershop quartet, my friends. That was exciting. And I learned that an animal's lifespan is directly correlated with how much fun they have while living and i learned that you can die from a beanbag gun it's true not a taser yeah well we're learning now you know and knowing is half the battle thank you for listening to the spitballers podcast supporting subscribing we appreciate you thank you so much we'll see you next time goodbye thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast

to see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballerspod.com Don't forget spit wads. If you want to help support this show and get access to the entire archive, you can go to spitballerspod.com and click become a spit wad. We appreciate your support and you'll appreciate all the episodes.