Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 74: Dog Poo Dinero

Episode Date: November 25, 2019

On today’s show, we discuss which highly invasive, dangerous procedure we would rather have performed by an unqualified professional. We also discuss the pros and cons of parenting a 3 year old boy vs. a 16 year old girl. Then, find out what’s got the fellas dissecting dog poo. Lastly, we close out the episode by drafting ingredients to build the most delicious sandwich. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!   Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, spit wads, when you run out of this great show and you're like, I want more shows, you can get access to our entire archive at spitballerspod.com. You can become an official spit wad of our Patreon, have access to everything we've ever made, ad free at spitballerspod.com. what happens when three buffoons give life advice explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve it's the spitballers podcast with andy mike and jason let's get up a ding dong a ding dong a bing bong a boom a lot of ding-dongs in there. Either someone's at the door or there's a problem. I was going to comment on the ding-dongs. But then you went right into the bing-bong and then I was sad. I'm sorry.

Because I don't know if you... I tweeted about it. About ding-dongs and bing-bongs? More about you... I tweeted about it. About ding-dongs and bing-bongs? More about the bing-bongs than the ding-dongs. I saw that. The Disney Plus is out. Hashtag not a sponsor.

Not a sponsor, but... Oh my goodness. There's just... There's not enough time in my life for Disney Plus. Bing-bong is from the Pixar movie, right? Yes. it's from Inside Out. Yeah, that's a good movie. And if you make it through the Bing Bong scene without welling up, you're a robot. Well, right before that scat, you were drawing pictures on your board and trying to make me laugh through the scat.

So a ding dong became a Bing Bong and welcome into the show. Spitballers back again, Andy, Mike, and jason if you're new to the show welcome in keep listening i promise it gets worse at spitballers pod on twitter and let me just put the call out come to us find us on social media give us your ideas for things like that's a great question or would you rather your draft ideas ideas. We want to hear from you. You can also go to spitballerspod.com. You can become an official Spitwad. You can suggest ideas on the Patreon.

Today we have. That sounded like a condiment. Well, we'll get to that. There will be condiments had today. And I am drafting a Patreon. Yes, yes. It's some great Patreon. what else do we got going on instagram.com spitballers pod we appreciate all of your support this past week we've had a number

of very entertaining stories about where you were when you heard uh about the bowhead whale from recent episodes but yeah we appreciate your support reviewing subscribing let's go ahead and read one review asaurus rex this one comes in from the two mark crew he says more entertaining than a dutch oven surprise keep it classy mark that is pretty classy but it's it's very entertaining uh new to the show i've been listening for two days secretly while working even though it's against company policy stick it to the man mark yeah nice job i have to hold back the laughter to the extent that I frequently accidentally let out squeak farts. What? If you're laughing, but you can't let it out the top, does that come out the bottom?

You would know better than most. The answer is yes. These proud adult men with childlike souls make a stressful 10-hour shift go by faster than Britney Spears' first marriage. Leave Britney alone. Keep it up, guys, and let the toilet humor flow. Don't you worry, the two-mark crew. We will. Well, I really appreciate this,

and if you don't want to break the rules, it's very simple to subscribe, nonetheless, to the show. I did read we had a comment about someone who was apparently shaving. Oh, no. Oh, no. Look, shaving not recommended with the Spitballers podcast. Dangerous. Not on the face or neck. It was their

family. He's no longer with us. He was shaving the family? That's weird, Mike. The message was from the family. Oh, okay. Post-modem. Post-modem? This is a 56K? Going from a walkie-talkie? Going for the mortem?

Post. It's not pre. Yeah. It's not pre-modem. Okay. That's fair. We are living in the post-modem world. Yeah.

Post-modem era. Yeah. Who's dumb now? We are. Would you rather? All right. Riley from Instagram sends this would you rather all right riley from instagram sends this would you rather question in would you rather get a thank you when you hold a door for someone or get a wave

when you let someone go in a traffic intersection oh okay so what do they mean by the the wave what are you talking about yeah i'm not I'm not visualizing that. What? When I let someone go on a traffic intersection. You want the courtesy. Oh, so you let someone go in front of you. You're at the stop sign. Everyone kind of gets there at the same time. It's not 100% clear who's got the right of way.

Is this a pedestrian or another car? It's another car. Okay. So you are letting them go. Do you want the courtesy wave? I guess which one fills the tires more for you? Which one revs your engine? This is really a question about do you want the good or do you not want the bad?

That's the way that I see this. What I mean by that is I don't think it's a really good thing to get that thank you at the door. But if someone just walks right, I hold the door but if someone just walks right i hold the door open and they just walk right through it's like that's a that's a real jerk move just with no comment yeah just like i open the door and he's like i'm just just walk goes right through note nothing said like whoa thank you you're welcome which is funny because you're not holding the door for the thank you you're holding it to be courteous. Right. But there's an actual, this is an interaction of, this is face to face. I mean, at least in the car, it's, you know, they're a little bit further away.

There is a positive to the wave in the car. It's not, you know what I mean? Like, it's helpful. It means you recognize that they recognize that you let them go. And so now I know to stay here because they're waving like i'm going does that make sense no the wave is a the wave is a thank you as well it's it's the you're merging you let someone go in front of you they throw the hand out the window they throw it up just kind of like this and they you know i feel like sometimes that can be they're

not letting you know that you can go sometimes that can be misconstrued i'm always afraid to give the wave have let me ask you a question because clearly mike and i are in the exact same wavelength and you are befuddled have you ever actually let someone go in front of you while driving yes it's the worst but i have done it and i more importantly people have done it for me and is i'm afraid to give the wave in the car because i feel like when someone's sticking their hand up driving by you you know oftentimes it's like whoa what did they just do like then maybe they're not waving nice maybe they're like you give a flip in the bird there is a very large difference between a wave and someone throwing an inappropriate gesture

you have a you have a problem deciphering this is also context clues you just did something courteous so the wave is inferred to be a good thing yeah sucker oh my gosh so weird look i i don't i mean both of these things are just kind of social norms of courtesy. I would rather get the thank you for the door. If I don't get it in the car, you're right. The distance makes a difference. Have you been in the car where you've made the weird...

Maybe it's not flipping somebody off. Don't do that. Right. But you've made the very... You're the only one that sees it, but just kind of you throw the arm up because you're frustrated with something, or you make the big gesture that no one can see, but it makes you feel better. Oh, yeah.

I mean, that's- What you doing? That's part of the thing. That's what I'm saying. Like, throwing your hand up in a car is a common occurrence. It looks very similar to a wave. I'm going to make a confession. Uh-oh.

I overwave. I was just going to say, man. You do the same? I do two to three waves. If I don't think they saw my thank you wave, they get another one. I'm just going to say, man. You do the same? I do two to three waves. If I don't think they saw my thank you wave, they get another one. I'm disarming every situation. I'm driving with no hands. I'm just waving at everybody.

I think that's arming a different situation. Oh, no, we're safe. I roll the window down. I get half my torso outside. I bring a sign with me that says, thanks so much. Throw him some kisses? Yeah, I'm really appreciative. I do the pre-wave more than the post-wave thank you.

You go, and that's what I'm like. That's a nice wave, yeah. Yeah, that's what I want to make sure they see me. Because there's nothing worse than when you're waving someone on, and then they're like, no, no, no, no. No, you go. I'm already waving you on. One of us has to go.

I don't do that. I don't do the waving you on, because I'm not going to be responsible for that person's demise. You don't come to a stop sign and you both get there at the same second and never wave someone on like you go? No, I do that. Yeah. Okay.

So you're just a liar. I'm just a liar. Okay. But sometimes there's the people that want to turn in front of you and that people wave them through the oncoming. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's just stupid. Into death?

Into doom. Yes. I've seen that happen a few times. Yeah. It's Oh, yeah. Oh, that's just stupid. Into death, into doom. Yes, I've seen that happen a few times. Yeah, it's a scary world. But I'm going to vote I'd rather get the door, thank you, because I don't want to become an embittered door holder. I want to be a happy door holder. Yeah, I think that if I held the door open for someone, like you go to a gas station and there's 15 people every 30 seconds walking through these doors or whatnot

i've still i don't think i've ever held a door open without someone saying thank you it's so common and it's just it's the most casual like oh thanks you know what i mean do you feel let's explore something here jason do you feel strange holding the door for like a big man or having a big man hold the door for you? No. But now when you say a big man, is there a problem with like they need the door hold? No, it's not that they need anything. Oh, it's the masculinity. It's the masculinity of it.

Is this alpha? It's the alpha. It's just a real question. No, I feel. masculinity of it alpha it's the alpha man i'm just it's just a real question no i feel because like you know the the mental picture is you help the lady across the street you hold the door oh i see where you know the chivalrous side of holding the door but then it's like now i don't big guys i don't have any problem in the world i've held the door open for plenty of big guys i don't have any problem with that and i don't think i have any problem with

i know i don't have any problem with anyone else holding a door open for me i love when people do things for me sure and i wasn't saying that i had a problem i was just curious if you feel different about the matt mike are you understand where i'm at with this no i had no idea where you were going oh but i've tracked you down but you're saying you you're you have that question in your head but you're saying you don't feel it i have that question in my head because i think i felt it before okay yeah i felt it like you know you get in that situation where you're you're helping somebody out and it's just i don't know the only thing that stinks is when you get you become the doorman now because there's just a giant line of people you hold the door open you're wanting one of them to like take it

from you you know what i mean the courteous like there's a line of people and and then they kind of hold the door open like and they say thank you because you did the first part then they walk in hold it open for someone and then it's just this continual line of you just shout at your your family i'll see you at home yeah i think i work here now the responsibility is if you let three members of a family through the fourth member has to take the door from you. Yeah. You can't have all four go through. That's rude.

But I am going to, in this question, to answer the question, I would rather have the thank you at the door when you're face-to-face because I'm about to walk in after whoever I just held the door from, and I don't want to walk in thinking bad things about the person that's two feet from me. Okay. All right. This question, this would you rather comes in from someone named Courtesy Flush on Patreon.

It's a good thing. Do you Courtesy Flush? That's the bonus flush, right? That's the pre. Oh, it's a pre-flush? Yeah. The Courtesy is not at the end. I thought Courtesy was like you flush and then you flush again.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wait, what's a Courtesy is not at the end. I thought courtesy was like you flush and then you flush again. Oh, no, no, no. Wait, what's a courtesy flush? A courtesy flush is when you have done the dirty deed and it's stinking up the joint. Oh, so that you flush even before getting to the cleaning part. Before you're done. You know there's some more in store. Oh, okay. I thought you were literally saying you walk into the bathroom, before anything happens,

you flush it once and that's a courtesy. I'm like, who's that helping? No, you don't leave the bad bowl. Yeah. That's kind. Common courtesy. Yeah. Courtesy Flush wrote the question, would you rather have a three-year-old son forever or

a 16-year-old daughter forever? Oh, man. I've never had a 16-year-old daughter. i've never had a 16 year i've never had a six i've got a 10 year old daughter right now and i am afraid of when i have a 16 year old daughter probably about six years from now math checks out what's tough about this is none of us have experienced it i've always been told the tale that boys are far more difficult when they're young. Girls get more difficult to raise as they get older. So, man, okay, a three-year-old son, 16-year-old daughter.

We've all had three-year-old sons. I don't know the negatives. The negatives? Of the 16-year-old. I believe she hates you at 16. Let me throw this out as a negative, right? All right. You see that boy over there?

Mm-hmm. There you go. That's the problem. That's the negative. Oh, that's not a negative. What? Yes. I got a 16-year-old daughter.

Every single boy out there is a monster. Equip your daughter better. That's not, no. Has nothing to do. It has 100% to do with it. It does not have 100%. No, this is an endurance question, no. Has nothing to do. It has 100% to do with it. It does not have 100%. No, this is an endurance question, Mike. This is not like equip them and you get to move on.

This is, do you want to go through the same tumult for all of eternity? They're 16 forever. Yeah. There's no maturing here. They're always staying at 16. I'm going to remember this. How old's your daughter, Mike? She's 10. right look i i

plan to equip my daughter to the best of my ability and i i know when when she's 16 every boy out there will through my eyes have demon horns that like i will look at the boys out there and they will all be monsters. Nothing to do. She could be this perfect angel. Well, 16-year-old boys are monsters, though. So that's why. That is true. We've all been 16-year-old boys, and we were all monsters.

Mike, how did you feel about your parents at 16, 17 years old? See, that part is fair. Were you rebellious? No. Were you rebellious? B, very respectful and kind? I was respectful. Which side were you rebellious? No. A, rebellious. B, very respectful and kind. I was respectful. Which side were you closest to?

No, this part of the argument is perfectly fine because, no, I wanted nothing to do with my parents when I was 16. That's the part that's hard because I know even now, I've got a 10 and an 8-year-old boy. They'll give me hugs. We can cuddle. We can hang out. They're not going to want none of that. I can do that with a 3- We can hang out. They're not going to want none of that. I can do that with a three-year-old boy. They're not going to want anything to do with me at 16.

But they also are not in their hover cars. They're not crapping their pants. That's true. That's where they might be. I feel like three is the age you ditch the diaper. I'm saying three, they're generally out. But you're still wiping. Oh, of course, yes.

Yeah, that sucks. That's a tough call. You want to be wiping butts forever? Forever. But there could be naps. Naps at three. Your kid's napping. That's a nice little break, Ski.

That would be great. My children did not do naps at three. Of course, the 16-year-old might be napping, too. Yeah, but they're napping till noon. Imagine. Imagine a world where you have your morning until noon. Ooh. Is that the 16-year-old?

That's a pretty good life. Oh, man. Never thought of that. Now, 16, you can drive. Yeah? That's another scary thing, too. That's scary. I mean, I'm sure we should have equipped her to be the best driver in the world, but I'm

terrified of my children running into problems. And keep in mind, she'll be driving around with boys. Now, at the same time, I'm terrified because she's out of sight. I'm not terrified of my three-year-old because they're always in my sight. I have to manage everything for my three-year-old. You know what I mean? Otherwise, because we always talk about the three-year-old age, that's where they're just basically trying to kill themselves.

They can get into all the trouble, run over any bridge, any cliff, but they're always in your sight. You're telling me you have no general parental anxiety about the adolescent teenage years of your children? No, I have anxiety about it, but I don't live in the world where everyone else is the monster. Gotcha. Well, that's fair.

Because, honestly, everyone is a monster exactly so i don't worry about my children because they will also be monsters funny i actually asked my son the other day i said you're only like you know he's gonna be 11 next month so you're only like five years from driving are you worried about driving he says well it's a it's a two-ton piece of metal i've been riding around so yeah a little bit do you remember being 10 or 11 though how far away driving a million years it was infinity it was a bajillion yes and then i remember being 15 being so excited to drive it was gonna be great and then when i turned 16 and was like okay i'm gonna i can drive right that's when i got terrified of driving that's when i was like oh it's real i am not prepared for this i was not i did not feel confident driving for years say how how did your

learning process go learning to drive uh i had my aunt and my parents kind of take me out driving a little bit and then i i got my permit, so I would drive when I had... I had an older sister who had a license, and so I would drive with her. How long did it take you to get on the freeway? That was in the permit time. I mean, it was pretty early on. Okay. I was a three right turn kind of guy.

Oh, dude. Three rights to go left. I was a coward. I was a neighborhood driver for like the first month. Like, no, we're not going out there. Once I got my license, it was terrifying to go on the freeway. When it was just me. When it was just me, it's like, yeah, I don't want to get on the freeway.

And it's not like, even when I was in the permit phase, driving on the freeway was so easy. So easy. Once you're on. Yeah, the merging is the hard part. driving on the freeway was so easy. So easy. Once you're on. Yeah, the merging is the hard part. But that was the terror. Elon, Elon, let's get, you got five or six years. Let's get everything automated out there.

Let my kid just get driven around by a robot. And percentage increase here. Taco Bell consumption post-license. Oh. What percentage did that go up? That went up, I would say, 700%. I mean, I don't know. I'm around there for sure.

I just wanted to check in. Pre-license. I was at the mercy of others. We had an open campus, too. You could leave for lunch. They closed them eventually. You could leave for lunch, and that was freedom. We went to Sonic all the time

that was our go to lunch place I'm officially voting for the 3 year old son I want the cuddles I want the kindness and I might not get much at 16 oh man that is tough I will vote for

the 16 year old and I will pray that she is not a jerk. There you go. You know what I mean? Because I tell my daughter all the time and my sons. All my children, I tell them literally two or three times a week, are you going to love me when you're a teenager? I'm playing seeds like, are you going to be a kind teenager? I want those good teen years.

Because a good teenager is great. Sure. One in a thousand. No, not really. But it's a tough time. There are aspects of the childhood that are so fantastic. But I do yearn for parts of my life back. And I think you get some of those when they're 60.

Not all of them, but some of it back. All right. Judden from the website says, would you rather have a colonoscopy done by your dentist or have a root canal done by your gastroenterologist? Wow. Is this for discounts? Is that how we're getting this?

Is this a twofer so which one do you trust more well see the teeth are actually a very dangerous place no good because if you mess teeth root canal specifically right al you i see you looking over here if you mess root canals up that can cause actual major Yes. I'm just thinking the other one is a very dangerous place as well. It is. Yeah. You're going to rip my intestines? Like, I honestly, I don't think my knowledge is up to date on what, a full colonoscopy.

I thought you were going to say root canal. No, no. But like a full colonoscopy. What is it? Because all it is in the movie is they put the glove on and then it's like, how's your neighbor? No. And then we're done.

That's not a colonoscopy in the movie. That's a prostate check. Yeah. Oh, okay. A colonoscopy is you are in a twilight sleep, laying on your side, not in the most comfortable position, and they run a camera. Let me help you. A colonoscopy is an exam to detect changes or abnormalities

in the large intestine and rectum during a colonoscopy a long flexible tube which is a colonoscope is inserted into the rectum i thought that was the thing like you had when you were a kid and you turned it it had all the colors that's a kaleidoscope thank you look this is an easy one for me i'm not excited to have my dentist perform a colonoscopy but one of these two things is a viewing party right like we're just checking things out the other is doing work you know A colonoscopy, we're just looking around. It's like an x-ray except super invasive. A root canal is I'm drilling, I'm

cutting. How would you know what to do if you're not trained for that? What was Jason's percentage chance that he could land a plane? I think he had it at 25. That sounds way too low. Change the question for a moment just for you. Which would you rather attempt to perform on someone?

That's what I was going to ask. What are the percentage chances that Jason thinks he could perform a successful colonoscopy? It's at least 70%. 90%. It's 70 plus. I don't want to say 100, but I'm pretty confident. So I think I could do a good colonoscopy. In both instances, you are responsible for some level of anesthesia,

whether it's local in the mouth or twilight in the other. Yeah, in the mouth. But wouldn't the colonoscopy that you need an anesthesiologist for that, right? Oh, do they go under? You don't go under. You go into a twilight sleep where you can kind of comply. That's a different doctor. Right.

Isn't it? What do you mean? Yeah, usually there's an anesthesiologist. It can be a nurse or something, though. It doesn't have to be. No, you have to be an anesthesiologist. Not for that. Not for that.

Really? I don't think so. I think that a nursing staff can administer that twilight sleep. Your dentist doesn't ask for an anesthesiologist to give you laughing gas. No, not for the root canal. No, I know. I'm just saying there are some categories of anesthesia that you don't have to be an anesthesiologist for, I think.

The more that I think about this, the more confident I am that I could perform a colonoscopy. I really think... I'm not going to tell you which one I've had, but I've had one of these two. Let's put it that way. It sounds like you know what you're talking about on one of these things. It is called

twilight anesthesia. It's a mild dose of sedation. Which one of those do you use this for? That would be the rectum-related one. Oh, yes! Both of these sound like terrible things to have to endure. That would be the rectum-related root. Oh, yes! All right.

Both of these sound like terrible things to have to endure. You can't get a root canal from someone who's not a professional. No, because ask me that same question about percentage chance I can perform a successful root canal. Jason, what's the percentage chance you can perform? It is 0%. I didn't finish my question. Oh, okay. Just perform.

Oh, 50-50. Oh, okay. Just perform. Oh, uh, 50-50. Oh, no! On a stage! Oh, no! On a stage! 50-50. What was your question, Mike? The root canal. I don't know anymore. We've moved on. I would never be able to do... I don't even know what you do on a root canal. I would literally just be...

I've been looking it up for five minutes. I still don't know what you do on a root canal. There's drilling. There's some canalling. Drill teeth. I think they drill down. I yank the tooth. Just yank that thing out and get it moving. Oh, dude. They put something inside your tooth. You put them under. You take their teeth out. You put dentures in. They wake up. They're like, my teeth look great. Isn't that the greatest paranoia you can possibly have? The idea that you're put under for a procedure. Because these stories come out where they mismark the leg and blah, blah, blah. You go under for one procedure and you come out and you've been given a completely different procedure.

Man, I have no fear of that. People are so worried about what happens when they're under. And I have always had the mindset of like what i'm under i don't care if you woke up and all your teeth had been pulled no i'm not saying well that would be and you went yeah you're just gumming what happened what'd you do are you a gastroenterologist that'd be my first guess. Are we done there? Yeah. Yes. Okay.

That's a great question. Andrew from the website, your dog ate some money off the counter. How much money would it have to be for you to dig through the poop to retrieve it?

That's easy. I feel like this is an easy answer. Really? Really. I'm struggling over here. Because I'm just thinking, he's not eating a $20 bag of change. He's eating a bill. Right.

I'm leaving that $20 in there. But if it's a Franklin. $100? If it's a Benjamin. There is a $50 bill. There is? Wait a Franklin. 100? If it's a Benjamin. There is a $50 bill. There is? Wait a minute. It's called the Ulysses.

There is a $50 bill. Yes. Oh, man. This just became a real struggle. Because that's where I was. The 20 is not happening. Because he couldn't have eaten two 20s and a 10. No, no.

Look. No, but I'm thinking he got his hands on a bill. I read the same question. I read it the way Jason did. It's one bill. There's a $50 bill? Yes, there's a $50. Here's another way to put the question.

How much money can I pay you to dig through poop for a little while? That's such a different question. It is, right? It's not your found money. If my dog ate my $50 bill I feel responsible I might go through that if you said it's $100 for me you said to me I will give you $50 to sort through this poop I'd be like go away there's no chance I'm doing that but if you like it would have to be a thousand dollars this is see this fits the paradox. What was that? That was Jason's body.

He had a colonoscopy on one of his teeth earlier. This is that there's a paradox that shows when you own something, it's worth more to you than what someone would pay. So if you have an object and you go to, you ask people, would you sell this? How much would you sell for? You might say $5, Mike, but you show the object to a stranger and they say i might pay a

dollar for it it's just this is your money that's lost if you lose fifty dollars it's different than you gaining like you could choose every day to gain fifty dollars in a myriad of ways that you don't do so cleaning going through poop is obviously on your list. If I give you $500, will you sift through poop? I don't think I would. What? I genuinely think if you sift. Mike? I'll take the $500.

So you have to look through some poop for a little while? Yeah. That's not a problem. I'm not scared of poop. I think the reason why is it's double the money when it's yours. You know what I mean? I got you. I got you.

You've lost this. If it's $100, it's $200. Because I have lost i got you i got you lost this if it's a hundred dollars it's two hundred dollars because i have lost my hundred and i get my hundred back same amount no but if you give me a hundred i'm just plus 100 plus 100 i started with a hundred i lost 100 when my dog ate it yeah but in my scenario, you gain actual worth. In your scenario, you break even. That's also true. That's fair.

Your net worth goes up if I pay you to dig through poop. Your net worth goes down if you don't dig through poop for your own money, but it doesn't go up. Man, why is it that I'm more content to stay the same? Does it make a difference if you're sifting through your own dog's poop versus another dog's poop? 100%. You feel more comfortable with your dog's poop? I know where my dog's been.

I know what he eats. Probably the same thing as other dogs. Yeah, it's dog poop. Man, I need a psychologist here because... There's a difference between your dog's poops and another dog's poops? I imagine there's a slight between your dog poops and another dog's poop. I imagine there's a slight difference. There is like size. That's it.

There is a dog poop. Yeah. But isn't there a difference between your kids poop? Yes. And another kid's poop. That's what I was just going to bring up. If my kid poops, okay, I got to deal with this. It's ownership.

It's, you know, but if another kid poops, I'm not what? Go away. Your DNA is in that other poop. Yeah, but not in the dog's poop. Yes. See, that argument holds no bearing here. My dog is part of my family. There's the ownership of I am in charge of sifting through.

If not me, then who? For my dog. If poop needs to be sifted through it really the dog should sift through and get your 50 back it should yeah i don't think it will he might just re-eat it he would just eat it yeah all right this is a ridiculous question i i'm going a hundred dollars it would be the minimum that i need to recover. Man. And that's on a day. There might be a day that I'm like, man, I don't feel like it today. I genuinely think if my dog... I got one more variable.

Yeah, okay. My dog, we have thankfully been able to train it. It poops in one corner of the yard. She is not a free-range pooper. Nice. So does it make a difference if you know that all the poops are in one tiny area of your backyard? Or if you're in a full treasure hunt, just going throughout the rocks, the grass, the back corner. Does that change it?

I guess the way that I see it is just you got one giant pile of turds to sort through. Part of it's not the hunt. We're not on the hunt. We just know that we got to dig through. You know that, yeah, part of it's not the hunt. We're not on the hunt. We just know that we've got to dig through. Yeah. How much money? I'm starting to realize, like, if this was honest, if this really happened, there's no way. That $100 is lost.

That $100 is gone forever. I'm not doing it. So I'm going to say. Would you pay $20 to one of your kids to go find the $100? Oh, that's a genius question. That's the answer. They would do it. Yeah.

Would they? Of course they would do it. I'm going to find out tonight. I'm going to tell them there's a $100 bill in there. I'll give you... Tell them there's a $100 bill in there, whether there is or not. Whether there is or not. This is a social test.

It's a science experiment to see... They don't listen to this show, right? The truth, not before this one's released. Oh, man. This will be released a couple days after I find out what my kids will do. That would make a great Instagram post for you, Jake. I am getting this Instagram post so prepped. You have no idea.

Follow at Jason FFL. This post I have coming is unbelievable. I'll do it for a Twinsky. Is that a 20? Yeah. I didn't know what it was either. You do it for a Twinsky. I'd go, yeah, because it's in the corner of my yard.

I know where it is. I'll go get my 20 bucks. What's your technique? My technique? Yeah, for the digging through it. Gloves? Is this all gloves and hands? Yeah, yeah.

No tools? I don't need tools. I would be. You know, just like latex it. Gloves? Is this all gloves and hands? Yeah, yeah. No tools? I don't need tools. I would be... You know, just like latex glove, break it apart. I would have a shovel with a six-foot handle, and I would be like breaking it apart. Hopefully no one's eating right now. I'm not that poop-averse. All right.

We're changing this. Chris from Patreon has a great question. If you were turned into a trophy topper, what sport and pose would you choose to be immortalized as? Ooh. Okay, so you got like Heisman. What makes a great trophy topper? Ooh, the Heisman. That's a nice one. That's a great one.

But I already knew my answer. I hadn't been prepped for this, but the second you said it, I knew what it was. You've thought about this? No, I've never thought. I just visualized it, and I said, that's me. That's me. And it would be... Sumo.

Yes. I'm so fat. No, it would be the wrestling judo throw. It would be two people. You mean like a hip toss? Yes, exactly. And you're the one getting thrown? No, I'm not the one getting thrown.

I'm immortalized as the thrower. But it would be an awesome hip throw trophy topper. I mean, I've bought that before for our, we had a shuffleboard trophy. You've bought a trophy topper with you on it before? Well, I mean, one can only assume. It was a great hip throw. I like to imagine that's me. I'm going to go with the surfing topper.

I'll just be catching a big wave, something I definitely don't know how to do. It seems like I'd be pretty cool. I'm torn. I got two that I think are pretty good. Interesting. I'm going to go with the I am an Academy Award. Oh, okay. Because that dude is just standing there.

He's regal. And that dude is shredded. Oscar? The Oscar dude is ripped. His pecs are just out there. That's what they based the Under Armour mannequins off of. Oscar. He's a workout fiend.

The backup, I like the Emmy one where I think it's like the angel presenting the globe or something like that. Oh, dude, Oscar's got like an ape. I told you, man. Wow. That dude's hulking out. He is in good shape. That's an interesting way to go.

I've been immortalized and I'm super buff now. I did pick one with my shirt off as well. But there's no guarantee that you got abs. Ah, surfers all got abs. Come on. That is true. You ever seen a fat surfer, Mike? Honestly, you ever pictured one fat surfer in all your life?

That's a very good question. And let me just speak as the resident fat person. You ever surfed? Well, of course not. But let me tell you why. Let me tell you why I have not surfed. Hanging 110. Am I right?

If I could get on this board and ride a wave, I would crush it. I would be awesome. The act of getting from the ground to standing position, it ain't happening. The belly gets in the way of the knees getting up and i'm just this would never happen never in a million years could i pop up that quick is there a hidden beach for the people learning to be surfers because it's a chicken or egg thing for me right where it's like are you super fit and tan because you surf or once you're super fit and tan because you surf? Or once you're super fit and tan, do you go surf? There's got to be a hidden beach of a bunch of pale, fat people.

I need to go there for a while. Sign me up. I need to go there and get this thing right. You could be a topper. All right. Here's some rapid fire questions. Should we go with these, Al? You want to go through these real quick?

Sure, why not? Does a straw have one hole or two? One, obviously. Feels like two. Feels like two holes. I totally get the argument. You got a hole on one side, you got a hole on the other. There's one hole.

Here's one. If you block one side, there's still a hole yeah i was gonna ask does a tunnel have two holes yeah a tunnel has one hole like a straw but it has an entrance and an exit which is which this is this is well that depends on your perspective of going in but you have already gone through one hole and if you go through the other one, you now have gone through two holes. Or is it just one giant hole? It is one giant hole. I get it.

I've heard this debated. Look, the arguments for two holes, they're illogical and stupid, and there's one hole. I think there's two. It's tough, because if that tunnel example, one end collapses, do you have a hole to still go into? Okay, let me think about this because you'd say Timmy... Timmy fell in a hole. Yeah, I'm thinking of a well, right? There's no hole on the other side.

Right, and it's still a hole. It's still a hole. Right, but do you really add a hole on the other side if it opens up? Oh, I just answered it. Oh, my gosh. Okay, so here's the thing. You cover one side of the straw. a hole right but do you really add a hole on the other side if it opens up probably oh i i just answered it oh my gosh okay so here's the thing you cover one side of the straw now you've still got a hole right yeah so does that mean that that little opening is a hole no no that little opening is like the little sliver you're covering is not in itself a hole. What is it? It's just a cover. It's a cap.

I don't think you solved anything. There's one hole here. There is definitely one hole. All right, official vote. Al Borland, how many holes? One. Yes, my man. I don't know.

I can see the logic, yeah. Okay. I think we're going to draft now. I think we're going to move on. The Spitballers Draft. All right. We're doing a five-round draft, and it's a doozy. We are building a perfect sandwich.

So we have to each draft one bread, one meat, one cheese, one vegetable, and one condiment. I have the first pick, but in a 15-pick draft, I feel as though that is not advantageous. No, it's not that advantageous, but I will say this. There is one thing that I very much want, and there's only one. I know what I am going to get, and this will be a little bit of gamesmanship

as we eliminate possibilities for one another, but my number one pick, it's a requirement for a good sandwich, and I can't risk it. I'm taking mayonnaise. Yes. I'm taking the condiment. I'm taking mayonnaise to open up my draft. Because people like sandwiches of all kinds, but they all put mayonnaise on them.

Yeah, mayonnaise is good. You know what my kids do? It really bothers me more than it should. They don't like mayonnaise. They don't eat mayonnaise. They don't put mayonnaise on a sandwich. But butter. They put butter on every sandwich.

On a regular sandwich? Regular, normal sandwich where you would say... Have you had them checked? I've asked. I think they butter on every sandwich. On a regular sandwich? Regular, normal sandwich where you would say- Have you had them checked? I've asked- I think they're onto something. I mean, it's- Have you ever put butter on something and been like, whoops, I should not have done that. No, don't be silly.

Exactly. But can't you have butter and mayo? I have a- Yes. Oh, you can have both. But you know what you can have? Jelly toast? Put butter on that toast before

you put on oh yeah that's way better you ever had exactly you ever had peanut butter and butter it's phenomenal okay butter might be coming around to me here i'm going mayo that was not the pick i'm only afraid of losing one thing that's fine i've got a long way there's no way i'm taking what you're thinking of. Good. Because I want it. Mike has so many things to choose from. Bread, meat, cheese, vegetable, condiment. Alright. Perfect sandwich. I have no idea what strategy to

go with, so I will simply take if I can only have one meat one meat on my sandwich I'm taking pastrami. Really? Okay.? oh heck yeah interesting ham sandwich is fine turkey ham pastrami

heck yeah now we're talking I feel like pastrami is a bit of a mood meat sure yeah if you had to have one sandwich for the rest of your life do you pick pastrami? I don't I don't want an Italian sandwich every time I eat a sandwich. I feel like I get one with the pastrami.

That's not to say pastrami is not good, but it's a mood meat. It's delicious. It's definitely a mood meat. It's a mood meat. All right, so here- Is this like a mood ring? No, no, no. You got to be in the mood for pastrami.

It doesn't show your mood. Your mood dictates- Mike's looking at his pastrami like, what mood am I in? Dear sandwich. You get two picks. I get two picks. The one that I want because we have to pick a vegetable. This is a strategy-based thing.

Because we have to have a vegetable, I want lettuce. Because lettuce is great on every sandwich. I've never had a sandwich and had lettuce and been like, oh, there's crunch. There's delicious crunch on this sandwich. But every other vegetable from here on out is divisive. You know what I mean? It doesn't matter. Sure.

I know you two gentlemen have a love and hate, a right and a wrong when it comes to pickles, for instance. People hate tomatoes, for instance. I think you just guaranteed me pickles. You did. Because Mike won't take it and you took your vegetables. No, for instance. Yeah. I think you just guaranteed me pickles. You did. Because Mike won't take it, and you took your vegetables. No, I certainly will not. But name a person out there that's like lettuce on a sandwich. That's awful.

It's a fair point. All right. So now I've got a bread, meat, cheese, and condiment to go. Out of curiosity, those kids that you said don't eat the mayo, do they like lettuce on sandwiches? They are okay with lettuce on sandwiches. But that's like the one. Because I made them tacos last night.

They didn't want no lettuce on those tacos. Exactly. We can make them eat the lettuce, but we have to make them eat the lettuce. Got it. All right. You got another pick. Tacos without lettuce. It's uncivilized.

They're not my children genetically, clearly, because they eat so little. All right. So I can go right now. I'm down one on the meat, down one on the condiment. Cheese. I've got lots of cheeses, lots of meats, lots of breads that I like. I'm going to take the condiment I like. And I know

this is a foolish... Oh, if I know it's foolish... If it's a foolish thing, do I do it? I'm not going to do it. That's what Wrangler says. I'm going to hold off. I'm going to hold off. I'm going to take

my bread. Okay. And I think that the best sandwich is on a croissant. I love a croissant sandwich. Really? Oh, man. You know what that is? That's a mood bread.

Yeah. That's a mood bread. Yeah. That's a mood bread. You have to be in some horrific mood to say, I'm never in a mood for a croissant sandwich. Never. Then you're in a bad mood all the time. Do you want your sandwich to be super flaky? No. I want it to be buttery.

I want it to be soft and delicious. I can put butter on it. He wrote crescent. He wrote crescent down. Oh, yes. Instead of croissant. Oh, Al Borland. I want my lettuce on a crescent wrench.

All right. So you've got lettuce and a croissant. Croissant. He's Googling right now. Yes, he is. Mike, you're up. Now, I'm going to need, like, this is happening. This choice is happening. happening so because apparently i'm

building a very particular sandwich but you guys have to be the voters on on which category this actually falls into this makes me feel great that you have this qualifier on your second pick how can you have a question because i don't know if you want to count this as my vegetable or my condiment. All right. I'm going to take coleslaw. Oh. Oh, interesting. I think that I would consider coleslaw... I consider it a vegetable. I think I would classify it as a vegetable, too.

I agree. I agree. It would be more of a vegetable than a condiment. Yeah, you don't get mayo in it, but I mean... Yeah, of course I get mayo in it. That's how you build... So you just cheek-coated your way to mayo. I certainly did. And I've got the, of course I get mayo in it. That's how you build... So you just cheek-coated your way to mayo. I certainly did.

And I've got the crunch of lettuce. Oh, you double... The best of both worlds. Dang it, that was a really good pick. I'm so happy that people don't always like coleslaw. I don't care about the votes. That's very true. I'm building my own sandwich. It's going to be delicious.

Alright, that was a sneaky, smart pick there. Thank you. Alright, I've got two picks. I'm going to be delicious. All right. That was a sneaky smart pick there. Thank you. All right. I've got two picks. I'm going to take sourdough bread. I'm taking sourdough. Sourdough is fantastic. I'm getting that out of the way.

At this point, I know that my vegetable is going to be my last pick. So I could go my meat or my cheese. I have two cheeses that I want. I'm going to take cheddar. I'm going to take cheddar. I'm going to take cheddar cheese. All right. Excellent. Easy breezy.

Excellent, because you left the better cheddar. I will take white cheddar. You can't take white cheddar. You do not get to take another version of my cheddar. He takes cheddar. That's asinine. That's preposterous. Cheddar and white cheddar are completely different cheeses.

I took cheddar cheese. I get the whole gamut. He didn't take yellow cheddar. Yes, he did, because he took cheddar. No, I just took cheddar. Okay, Al Borland. I lean towards Mike on this one. Those are totally different cheeses.

How do you know that I didn't want white cheddar? Because you didn't say white cheddar. That's ridiculous. That's ridiculous. Google cheddar and what shows up. I'm not telling you that white cheddar doesn't exist. I'm telling you that when you, in historical drafts, we've done 74 shows. If you take the main topic, you'd get all the encumbrance.

When I search cheddar on image search, I see a lot of yellow. I see plenty of white. Yeah, you don't get to subclassify. The third one is white. The fifth one is white. I can pivot easily, but you guys are preposterous. Just like Colby Jack, Pepper Jack, those are all different cheeses, even though they're... Yeah, Colby Jack and Pepper Jack are different cheeses. Those are not in the same category.

Those are different cheeses. They're not both cheddar. This isn't easy. That's preposterous. You took your coleslaw that took my mayo. You're not taking another cheddar. All right. I will take... I feel like we need to vote on this from the people when this gets released.

They've listened. They know that you don't get to say soda, and then someone says, bubbly soda. Pop. All right. What's your cheese, Mike? I'll take Colby cheese. I'll take the best cheese. I thought white cheddar was the best cheese.

It's the best sandwich cheese. All right. So you're taking Colby. Colby's delicious. Now, is that different than Colby Jack? I. It's the best sandwich cheese. All right, so you're taking Colby. Colby's delicious. Now, is that different than Colby Jack? I get all of the Colby's. That's fair. I would agree with that completely.

He gets all the Colby's. I'm just trying to remember what I eat. Which is somewhat related to Jack cheddar, so I get that too. You get Colby Calais. White cheddar is nothing like regular cheddar. But they're both cheddars. They are both cheddars. That's the point. The point is that I drafted cheddar, so you don't get to draft cheddar. That like regular cheddar. But they're both cheddars. They are both cheddars. That's the point. The point is that I drafted cheddar, so you don't get to draft cheddar.

That's the point. Jason, you have lettuce and croissant. Erroneous. I have lettuce and croissant. You both have picked your cheese. So I do not need to pick my cheese yet. I then need a meat. um i then need a meat and this is tough because i feel like the meat i like the most is not the best sandwich meat it's certainly not the most common sandwich meat but the most common sandwich

the most common sandwich meat is just too boring for me. I can't do it. So I'll let Andy go to sleep. I'm taking what I love. Turkey? Turkey is so bland and boring. Turkey sandwich? I mean, people love turkey sandwich. Why do people love turkey sandwich?

I don't know. They taste really good. They taste bland and boring. You know how you make a turkey sandwich good? You put some ham on it. Exactly. And that's what I'm taking. And now it's a club sandwich. I don't know. They taste really good. They taste bland and boring. You know how you make a turkey sandwich good? You put some ham on it. And that's what I'm taking. And now it's a club sandwich. I'm taking ham, which is the best because, look, I got a whole... I'm taking honey

baked ham. I was just going to say, I get the whole suite of ham. Of course. Do I want smoked ham? Sure. Do I want sweet ham? Sure. I got ham. So you've got a vegetable, a bread, and a meat. You still need a condiment. Ham, croissant, and lettuce.

And you need a cheese, Jeff. A condiment and a cheese. Okay. All right. Now- Which I guess Mike still needs a condiment. So I will take my condiment. I can't imagine Mike takes this, even though it's literally the best condiment.

I want to be on record. He's taking mustard. Yeah, I am taking mustard. Yeah. He's taking mustard. It's the best condiment that exists. If you got a hot dog, you can only put one thing on record. He's taking mustard. Yeah, I am taking mustard. The best condiment that exists. If you got a hot dog, you can only put one thing on it. It's mustard. If you need a sandwich, you can only put one thing on it.

It's mustard. Al Borland, if you gotta make a sandwich and you gotta put one thing on it, would you rather put mayonnaise or mustard? What are you? Mayo. Everyone's gonna say mayo, but everyone is wrong. I see. Let me ask you this. If everyone's wrong, then I'm ask you this if you if everyone's wrong then i'm right if everyone's an idiot here's the uh here's the thing mustard provides great flavor and zero

calories enjoy your mayo on i mean you gotta watch how much mayo you're putting on this. It's delicious. Don't get me wrong. One of those things is very debatable, what you just said. One of those things is very debatable. What did I... The zero calorie part, that's not debatable at all. Oh, you're saying the mustard's not delicious.

Yes. Look, I know mustard's not a vote getter because too many... It's divisive, right? I might as well be talking politics up here because people are up in arms as to mustard being disgusting. And I get it. It's a very sour, great flavor.

But mustard will be on. I mean, I've already got a great sandwich. When you taste mustard, like, oh, that's sour. I don't know exactly the word to describe it. But sour is the closest. It tastes a lot like mustard. Yeah. I mean, if I can describe mustard. That's where it really sticks in my

crawl. If I can describe mustard with mustard, then that's an apt description. Alright, Mike, you're a backup. Oh, man. Sounds like you're a backup is what I heard. You're not first string. Fair. I mean, I have exactly

what I want so far, except for white cheddar. White cheddar would have put this thing over the top. I will take a Kaiser roll, please. Oh, underrated. Super underrated. Kaiser rolls are delicious, but you just don't want them stale. I was going to say, sometimes they're too hard. I love a fresh.

You're rolling the dice a little bit, but you can do that with any bread. I mean, we just came back from breakfast or from lunch, and I said, delicious burger, terrible bun. Let the record show I did not draft a stale Kaiser roll. But when you order from a restaurant and you get a Kaiser, it's always a crash. You get the whole family of Kaiser rolls, Mike. Yeah, you got stale ones, you got fresh ones.

I am clearly at a top-of-the-line deli with the sandwich that I've built so far. I see you're building a very custom sandwich here. I have mayo, sourdough, and cheddar. I guess I get to do my last two picks. So I will take roast beef, and I will take pickles. So I have mayo, sourdough, cheddar, roast beef, and pickles. I really thought you would get turkey. Do you like turkey sandwiches?

Not more than roast beef. Okay. Yeah. Alright, last two picks. Mike, I guess you are down to what? A condiment? See, the problem is I don't even know what to take. That's the trick. I wondered if... My sandwich is done. You have to have a condiment. Ooh, but I know what you could

go with. I just don't know if you got the brains to do it. Oh, he'll do it. I think I've assumed I know your condiment from before this draft, and we'll see if I was right or wrong. I feel like the only thing I can possibly put on this sandwich is hot sauce. And I will take hot sauce.

All right. Is that what I thought you were going to take? You already have yours. I actually thought it was going to go more subtle, like oregano or salt and pepper or oil and vinegar or something like that. That would have been much better. Yeah, it would.

All right, Jason. The problem was, I thought about the Thousand, but the Thousand Island, eh, no, Thousand Island would have been way better. Yeah, you're right. I thought about the Thousand, but it was, oh, shoot. In my head, I was like, Thousand plus coleslaw, is that too much? And the answer is no. Of course not.

It's what I should have gone with. All right. Coleslaw became a complic. Of course not. It's what I should have gone with. All right. Coleslaw became a complicator of your situation. It's too robust. It became a vegetable, a condiment, and everything. The funny part is, despite my disparaging, I would have taken mustard for this particular sandwich. Exactly. All right.

I can choose between the 101 or the 102 cheese here, which is American and Provolone. Those are cheap. American is fantastic. It's fantastic because it's cheese. White American is better. The 101? Yeah. Look, when I go to a Subway, I am-

I always get white American there. I am 100% either American or provolone. They have other cheeses there? Maybe. They have cheddar. I don't ever get cheddar. They do not have cheddar. They do have cheddar.

What, like the shredded? I actually think Subway does not have cheddar. They have shredded. Oh, not sliced cheddar. They don't have sliced cheddar. When I go to Subway, I take one of the two cheeses they offer me. Because that's all they offer. You want to know why? Because it's Subway, I take one of the two cheeses they offer me. Because that's all they offer. You want to know why?

Because it's Subway, and Subway sucks. I am taking – Subway doesn't sell you – That's a 15-year take from Mike, though. Yeah, that is. He never lets us go there. No. Because it sucks. No, it doesn't.

It's wonderful. All right. The meatball sub is passable. What do you think, Al? What do you think, Al? Incredible. I like Subway. All right. The meatball sub is passable. What do you think, Al? The meatball sub is incredible. I like Subway. All right. Yeah.

Okay. So for my- What if you really want a sandwich? You're like, yeah, Subway, that's where I'm going. Or Subway just like- No, but it's quick and easy and cheap. It's there. It's around.

But is it much different than generally like the Blimpies or the Port-A-Subs or the- Port-A-Subs is delicious. Which I agree with you, but aren't they all paying the same amount of money for their meats and cheeses? I don't know. Yeah. All right. All right.

I do like that they slice it right in front of you. Yeah. That makes a good difference. I'm going to go with what I... Some place like, don't look at us while we make your sandwich. I'm going to go provolone here. It's delightful. It's great cheese.

It'll fit with my sandwich. I've always had a problem with provolone. I've always felt like it's too subtle of a cheese. Really? It's just not... I feel like felt like it's too subtle of a cheese. Really? I feel like I got a double down on it or something. It's just not a very boisterous cheese, and I want a boisterous cheese. My favorite cheese, bar none, is, and I always

hate saying it because I know I'm saying it wrong every time. Parmesan. Yes. No, Parmesan is not my favorite cheese. No, it's is not my favorite cheese. No, it's... On a crescent? It's Gouyere. Gouyere?

Gouyere cheese. Gouyere. I don't know how to say it, but it's delicious. Neither do we. We don't know if you're saying it right or wrong. Do they have that at Subway? No. Gosh.

Gouyere is like super expensive. All right. So how are you going to post these, Al? Are you going to post them... You got to put them in order of like bread, meat, vegetable, condiment. Yeah. All right. Just put a picture up of a New Yorker because that's what I built.

You did. What did we learn today? I just learned that hot sauce is part of a New Yorker. It's not. It's not. I learned that there is a $50 bill. I was surprised to hear that. Oh, just that one exists?

Yes. I forgot about the 50. I thought you meant in your dog's poop or something of that nature. No, just in general. All right. I learned Jason is a qualified gastronologist. Oh, gosh. That is a fact.

You do know your way. Do I? The flatulence department was where I was trying to go. Goodbye. Goodbye, everybody. What a way to end it. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to,

check out Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. If you want to hear more, if you want access to the full archive, ad-free, go to Spitballerspod.com. You can get all the information it takes to support this show.