Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 77: Snorting Snalt and Andy Is A Narc!

Episode Date: December 16, 2019

On today’s episode, we talk about noisy and nosy neighbors. Find out what had Old Man Andy calling the 5-0 in true “get off my lawn” fashion. We also talk about inventing holidays, eating sticks of butter, and uncomfortable store purchases. Then we pass the torch on to our draft segment where we draft ‘Best Olympic Sports’. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!   Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. He keeps going. He always keeps going. When did Mark Wahlberg get on set? Oh, hey. It's me, guys. What's up? Because that was definitely Mark Wahlberg scatting.

It's me, Mark Wahlberg. I don't mind it. I really don't. I think it was original. I thought that the haas were... I thought that was heading into a full scat. I didn't know it was going to be the whole main event. No, it was an ASMR scat. Yes.

Oh, that's right. I forgot you don't like the whispers. Oh, welcome into the show, the Spitballers, Andy, Mike, and Jason back again. We have Would You Rather on the show today. That's a great question and a special draft. I have so many questions about the draft. I really do. This draft is so timely, fellas.

It is so timely. It's the holiday season. Depending on when you listen to it. But we'll get there. We'll get there. I have questions about it. It on when you listen to it. But we'll get there. We'll get there. I have questions about it. It'll be a lot of fun. You can find us on Twitter at SpitballersPod,

Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod. The website, guess what? It's SpitballersPod.com. You can get access to the full archive if you become an official supporter of the show. We appreciate all of your Apple podcast reviews. Except for you, Frank. What did Frank do?

I don't want to talk about it. Oh, did Frank say something? Maybe. I was just throwing someone's name out. All right. We like to keep our reviews five star only.

Frank's out there like, what did I do? Yeah. Do better, Frank. Let's get it going. Would you rather? All right. Zach from Twitter.

Would you rather have nosy neighbors or noisy neighbors? Oh, no, no. Nosy or noisy. Two different words. Very difficult to just say right then. I thought it was going to be easy to repeat, and it was difficult. Nosy or noisy? Yes, you have broken down the English language for us.

They mean different things. Have you ever had, let's start here when we decide this would you rather question. Do you have any stories or situations where you've had either of these? Because when my wife, now our oldest is about to turn 11 years old, but when she was first pregnant, our first kid on the way, we were living in another home, and we had the noisy neighbor. Oh. And our bedroom, our master bedroom, was right on one side of the house, and the neighbor

on that side, they liked to do strange things. They did prototypical noisy things, which is every single day, it seemed, they had a massive party. Oh, and you weren't invited? It was a garage party but like a three in the morning garage party and my pregnant wife couldn't sleep kind of party and that's normal but then they would do really weird things where legitimately multiple times the music would be blaring at three or four in the morning and i would walk over there and the music would be on

in the truck that sat in their driveway. Nobody in it? Nobody in it. To the point where I'd knock on the windows of the truck. I'd knock on the door. It was like you set a car speakers all the way up, closed the windows, closed the doors. Maybe they disappeared. I wonder if somebody was in there.

I still, to this day, wonder if somebody was inside that vehicle. You couldn't see? Were the windows foggy? I'm just so confused. There were tinty windows. Tinty windows, as they say. Tinted windows, maximum bass, maximum volume, 3, 4 in the morning,

empty driveway, no one answers the door, and I'm like, you know, in my flip-flops, walking over angry. Did you report a missing person? I did report him to the police once. Really? Oh, yeah. Take that, missing person.

What? Yeah. Show you'd get kidnapped. And I didn't want to be the one, because the police came, and I'd be peeking out my window going. Did they go to the empty car? Well, no, I didn't call on one of the empty cars. I called on.

There was more than one empty car? Yeah, there were two. And I called on one of the parties, and I felt happy and guilty. But, hey, I had a pregnant wife that couldn't sleep. Did you get some stitches? I feel no guilt about this. But the noisy neighbors are rough. Yeah, look.

I've never had nosy ones. I've never really had either. I've never been a narc. And so I'm not entirely sure what that experience is. In other words, you might have had them, but you're not going to tell on them right now because you're not a narc. You know, the only noisy experiences I've had are like, you know, I think they're common to most people. It's like Fourth of July, right? The people that just, okay, we get it is for you get fireworks it's three

in the morning we all love america we get it but it's like but we're old now a couple years ago it wasn't me it's like a couple years ago when i've got small children yeah who are like please don't don't you don't you wake that kid because then i've got to work to get that kid back to sleep. And when the bombs are going off outside, and of course, I wouldn't call on him. No, no, no, no, no. Let's be very clear here. If you've never had a nosy or a noisy neighbor, you are the noisy or the nosy neighbor. Really?

Jason's clearly the one. Look, every neighborhood's got him. If he's not hearing it,'s clearly the one look every neighborhood's got him if he's not hearing it he's the one doing it honestly i i don't recall having both and i can tell you one thing i i am certainly not nosy because i don't i you have no interest in other people's lives i don't know my neighbor's names i've lived there for 10 years i was going to tell you i i i could name one person that i live next to i don don't know anybody. Red hat. Red hat guy.

I'm the neighbor who I'm driving up to the house and pulling into the garage. And if I saw my neighbor was out, I'm hitting the garage button before I even shut the car down. Oh, a cozy neighbor. That's how anti-nosy I am. Okay. All right. You can be my neighbor. I'll allow it. No right. You can be my neighbor. I'll allow it.

Noisy? I mean, I... You're not ruckus. I'm a headphone guy. Right. So I can protect against nosy. I can't protect against noisy. Oh, see, I'm the opposite.

I'm the opposite. Noisy is going to annoy me. Noise? Annoy you? It's going to annoy you? But a nosy one is like that that one's like an invasion of privacy let's put it this way i got a pool recently and if i had nosy neighbors oh they would regret their choices watching me swim late at night. We've heard tale of Jason's shamu swims.

My shamu swims? Is that a weight thing? Yeah, I think it is. It was a weight and a natural. Yeah, L-I-V-I-N. Can I ask a very. A swim the way the Lord made me. Let's put it this way.

Whales don't wear pants. All right. No, we don't. This is taking a turn. Hey, Al Borland, I'm going to include you on this because I want to know a social etiquette question here. Is it okay to peek over your neighbor's fence? No. It's fence? No.

It's not? No. Okay, that's a no. Because what if I threw my ball over? What if I lost my ball? Then it's okay. Can I see where my ball went? I'm still going to knock on the front door.

My neighbor's having a pool built right now. I like to peek at the progress. Is that nosy? I stand up at the ladder. That is nosy. That is nosy? I think so, yeah. Okay, so I'm a nosy? I stand up at the ladder. That is nosy. That is nosy? I think so, yeah. Okay, so I'm a nosy neighbor.

Now, I've had similar situations where the neighbor is doing construction on the house, but we have a two-story. Now, I just happened to gaze out. Are you using your binoculars? Look, I may or may not have a replica Hubble telescope. Look, I'm just looking out my bathroom window. That's not on you. How am I nosy if I'm just looking out the window?

Nobody said you were. I have a lot of two-story neighbors. Al Borland over here. His binoculars. That's what changes it. He's peeking over the fence, not looking out his window. No, I'm literally pulling up on the fence. But if I look out the window, I'm literally looking over everybody's fence. That's true.

That's fine. You're in your home. You bought a two-story house for a reason. Yes, that's fine. It is different because let's say I'm in the backyard, right? And a neighbor is watching through. And a neighbor's watching through their window. I don't know any better. But then I turn around

all of a sudden and there's Wilson eyes over the fence staring at me. And what are they going to do as soon as I see them? You have to say hi. You have to say hello. Or you are. So what's. Because I feel like they're going to go for back down.

What's worse? What's worse, Jason? You're on your midnight excursion. My midnight excursion. Yes. Well, he's talking about your free swimming. Right. Yes.

Free swimming. Two scenarios. One, you you're talking about your free swimming. Right, yes, free swimming. Two scenarios. One, you look over, it's your fence, and you see a head pop down. Okay. That sounds bad so far. Or, number two, you look up at a lit two-story window, and you see the blinds quickly shut. Which one's worse definitely the fence without a doubt the fence i mean at that point i'm 10 feet away from this person or less that

is creepy the only thing protecting you from me is a thin cement wall now maybe the only thing worse is i look up at that lit window and they're watching with a cup of tea. The blinds don't go down. They're just not. They're in the recliner that's facing the window. Just this is what they... Hey, one question. Al, a question for you on this. Yep.

Are you a narc? I'm not a narc. Okay, not a narc. You never had a noise problem? You said that, right? Al, have you ever had a neighbor with noise problems? We have, yeah. Have you ever had to make a call?

We have not, no. Dang it. All right, moving on. We have a lot of mariachi music next to our old house. Nice. I like some mariachi music. Jason brought up the holidays. I would never think about it on a holiday.

That is just carte blanche to me. I don't like that you're up at 4 in the morning blowing up firecrackers, but I get it. New Year's Day, 4th of July. It's the worst. It's just going to happen. If I had a neighbor that was always noisy, because you know me. I've talked about this on the podcast many times.

I'm non-confrontational. I'm never going to go over and knock. I'm not going to call the cops. If it happened long enough, we would move. That would be the situation. And I'll leave them a note when I do. I probably wouldn't. I probably was not in good shape going over at 3 in the morning,

banging on a car window. That probably wasn't the right call. I should have, once again, called the authorities. All right. Sarah from the website, would you rather eat a whole stick of butter? I know Andy's answer, no matter what the other half is. Or snort a teaspoon of salt? Sarah, what?

So salt, what would the salt do in a snort situation? Would it burn? It would not just burn. It would annihilate. No, it would burn? I don't think it would burn. What? Well.

I mean, to be fair, I have not snorted snalt. Snalt. I have not snorted. It's called snalting. Yeah, snalting. I'm not a snalter. Also, don't do that. Not a narc, not a snalter. Putting salt up your nasal.

In your sinus cavity. In your sinus cavity. It would. That would be bad. It would burn it to the ground. But why would that burn? Salt doesn't burn my mouth. Salt doesn't burn...

Have you ever dumped just regular pure salt into your mouth? Just salt is the problem. No. What kind of question is that? Have you ever just poured a bunch of salt in your eyes? What about a wound? Yeah, Jay. So, okay. Are in your eyes? What about a wound? Yeah, Jay. So, okay, are my nasal cavities equivalent to a wound?

Is this how unprotected my body is? It's exposed flesh, right, Al? I think. I like how we're- I would like. It would definitely burn. It does. Mike, you've done the sinus washes.

Yes. And if you have a too high of a concentration of salt in there- It burns. It burns pretty good. Yes, and that you have a too high of a concentration of salt in there, it burns pretty good. Yes. And that is water with a saline solution that is supposed to go through your nose. Right. It's not table salt. Now, first of all, regardless of how delightful snorting a teaspoon of salt would be, I would

choose the stick of butter because it's delicious. So someone... Have you... What's the highest concentration of butter you have ever eaten that did not accompany another piece of food? Oh, you know, it's really not good. It's not great to just do it by itself. Have you, but have you done like a finger swap?

I've done. Have you chomped the stick? You know, the situation is, is I, you get the cold butter and you can't spread it on the thing, on the, on the biscuit or whatever, and then you go for the bite, but maybe the butter just falls in your mouth and then you end up chewing a little bit of butter. And that's about the extent of it.

And it's quite good, actually. Your butter intake is darn near equal to your ice cream intake. I think dairy is really something you love. Thank you. When we go out to the cracker barrel, right, and you get a mama's French toast and they bring that little ramekin of butter, and that is a giant ice cream scoop size thing of soft butter. Did you just say a ramekin?

Yeah. I've never heard that. That sounds so vocabularistic. What kind of animal is that? It's not an animal. It's a little serving dish. A little never heard that. That sounds so vocabularistic. What kind of animal is that? It's not an animal. It's a little serving dish. A little ramekin. It's a dish.

I didn't say you were wrong. I just was impressed. A small dish for baking and serving individual portions of food. There you go. A ramekin. Booyah. So when they bring the ramekin of butter. Ramekin.

Yes, when they bring the ramekin of butter. Ramekin. Yes, when they bring the ramekin. Andy usually says, can I get four or five more of these? Fetch me my ramekin. Says, can I get four or five more of these? And they oblige him, and then he uses all of it. Well, to be clear, what I ask for is I don't want your little aluminum-wrapped pads of butter. I ask for pancake butter regardless of what biscuit or bread or dish that I get. I want the ball of butter and multiple.

But when you get the hard butter and you can't spread it, you just cut it into pieces. Into slices. And you put a chunk on it. And Mike's done that too. You just eat it. But what else are you supposed to do? Am I supposed to huff and puff on it until it's room temp? I've got a surprise for you, Jason.

Okay. Butter's delicious. Oh, come on. And you should eat it. You see my weight. You know I love butter. So custard. Isn't custard like ice cream with more butter?

Oh, no, that's the egg. The egg white's in it. Are you familiar with the Simpsons? Homer from the Sim simpsons the moon waffle i am not no tell me more so this was i mean this was back in the day old school simpsons but he makes he makes a a waffle and pulls it right from the griddle and just puts an entire stick of butter in the waffle wraps it up and eats it and that's a moon waffle. I kid you not. As you're telling me that story, Mike, I just got a spam phone call from Springfield. Wow.

Is it Homer? You should have answered it. I send it to voicemail. So on the other side of this question, the snorting salt, and whether or not that would burn, I looked into it. Okay, tell us. Someone on Quora posted this question. It would be a ramekin of pain yes posted

this question accidentally snorted salt sinus feels weird a day after will i be okay accidentally and that is the response is how the heck did you snort salt accidentally um and and apparently it can cause tissue burns yes and necrotic issuesotic issues. Thank you. Tissue. Yeah, this was like, do you want to eat something good or be in pain? I'm going eating something good. Final answer. You're still going to vomit if you eat a whole stick of butter. No, you're not. And keep in

mind, you're not eating this on your toast or whatever. You're eating a stick of butter. Are you eating something right now, Al? No. Oh, okay. You're going to vomit. No, you're not. You're halfway through the butter. You're going to have to be choking it down.

I think I could do this. I know you could do this. I think I could do this. I would prefer it cold, though. It would be really rough. Warm butter. Oh, no. I would much prefer it warm.

Cold means you're going to have to chew this thing. Well, I need it to be more of a meal. How much do we need to put down on this? How much do we need on the line? How much do we have to pay Andy to eat his stick of butter? No, I'm going with Jason because he's so confident about it. I don't like throwing up, so the risk is too high.

I would need some real cash. I'm not confident that I would enjoy it. I'm confident that I would not throw up. This is not a bet. You can puke, but I'll give you $100 to eat a stick of butter. Yeah. And also, I'll give you $100 to snort some salt.

That would never, never. Let me ask Al. Am I allowed to put sugar on the butter? No. It's a stick of butter. It can be salted butter, though. That might not help you. Of course it can.

That would be delicious. What if you snorted salted butter? I turned down your request. All right. Are we all eating butter, then? Yes. And then we're vomiting. All right.

That's a great question. All right. This question comes in from Dre on Patreon. After winning a Mayor for a Day contest, you are given the opportunity to create one holiday that does not currently exist. What holiday are you creating and what day will it fall on? Oh, interesting. I can tell you right now. I'm still working out on what the holiday is, what we're celebrating, but it's a Wednesday.

It's a Wednesday. It's just a Wednesday. You want a Wednesday holiday. You want the two days on each side. I'm so sick of this. Every holiday has to be a Monday thing. There are no Wednesdays, huh? There are no.

It's either Ash Wednesday. Yeah, we don't get that at all. It's not a Monday thing. There are no Wednesdays, huh? There are no. It's always a Monday. It's either Ash Wednesday? Yeah, we don't get that off. It's not a national holiday. The bank's open. So you want a holiday right in the middle of the week so that you have to go to work on Monday and Tuesday and then come back. It's not so that I have

to go to work. It's so that I can get out of work. This is a hump day. It's that getting over the middle of the week. Imagine if you only had to work it's so that i can get out of work right and this is a hump day you know it's that getting over the middle of the week imagine if you only had to work two days this week okay but then two more but then it's just a new week it's just a new week i'm so baffled that you're upset by i think it's a three-day weekend like it's all in a row you can do something. I got no.

You can go out of town if you want. You can't go out of town because you have a Wednesday off. I'm sure you can. A little turnaround trip. To where? Leave on a Tuesday night to wherever you want within a good distance. And then you come back the next day. By good distance, you mean like 30 minutes up the road?

I will say this. It's innovative. I didn't expect the Wednesday situation, but it's unique how we live in a society and we have our weeks the way that they are and the days the way that they are. And you wrap your... I probably go something sports related.

Like a lot of people want... That was exactly what I thought. They want opening day for baseball. I know you're not going there. What? No one cares. So what I'm doing is I'm moving the first football Sunday to Thursday. Friday.

And you're running into the whole weekend. See, that's so bizarre because the easy answer is Super Bowl Monday. The Monday after the Super Bowl. But that's a trailing day. You're not celebrating anything. You are celebrating the fact that everyone is not ready for work because you were all at Super Bowl parties. I get that, but that's a reactionary holiday, Mike.

It's a practical holiday. Yes, I agree with you, but I want something to celebrate on that day. I want it to be like you move all the slate of football games and everybody takes the day off work and you watch them during a Friday. Don't they do that? Isn't that Sunday? Well, sure, but it's not a holiday. Yeah, I feel

like this is done. I feel like your first opening day of Sunday football, they give you that off work. Well, I mean, there's some people they still have to work on Sunday. Like we still have to work Sundays because our job is football. Some people have to work Christmas. That's true. Well, Jason just wants it moved to a Wednesday.

I just want to celebrate. What are we celebrating, Jason? I think we're celebrating American eating. Okay. So we're not talking about. American eating day. Yes. It's American eating day. Yes. It's American eating day.

Um, you know, it's a gluck to gluck Tober. The, the, Oh, you're trying to build on glutton. Yeah. Because what you do on this holiday. Okay. This is, this is your Thanksgiving, Mike, Mr. I want Jack in the box on Thanksgiving on this holiday. You celebrate the weight of america and i that's

w-e-i-g-h-d yeah it's we're there it's the heft okay and you got a day off day is you get a day off to really just lounge and eat and that's the that's what this is different than a normal wednesday this is well yeah because you usually I got to go to work, and then I go home and lounge and eat. I want to stay home and lounge and eat. I really like this. I think that if you had a Wednesday, and it's Eat-A-Lot's Giving, or whatever it's called, and all the restaurants out there,

they're all having, it's like Black Friday. For Black Friday, you get all your electronics. Well, Eat A Lot's giving, you get all the restaurants are on sale. Oh, they're half off. And then you go, you get your Bogos. Your Postmates drivers are dodging each other on the roads. Oh, your cheeseburger. The problem is you took the day off and you gorged and you ate whatever you want

because everything is super cheap. But then you have to go to work on Thursday. Yeah, but everybody does. Right. There ain't no work getting done that Thursday. Except in the bathroom. What the heck? We just said the same thing?

I love Michael Keaton. Wow. I put zero poop content into this doc today. No, no, and that wasn't poop content. Oh, it had nothing to do with that. What are you talking about? You're replacing- You got to wash your hands.

You're replacing all the new fixtures, putting decorations. Yeah, plumbing day. Yeah. It always follows the- Plumbing day always follows Gorge Tuesday. Yeah, International Plumber's Day. Because they're all on standby. It's the following day.

That Friday is International Plumber's Day. Br they're all on standby. It's the following day. That Friday is International Plumber's Day. Brought to you by Charmin. Do you buy people cards for this eating holiday? Of course. They have to be edible. You have to invite people. They have to be edible cards. Oh, an edible card?

Yeah, everything is edible. What did we call it? I don't know what the card says. A lot of foods giving? American Eating Day or something? I hope you enjoy this favorite date and add 10 pounds. To your weight. To your weight. What did we call it? I don't know what the card says. A lot of foods giving? American Eating Day or something? I hope you enjoy this favorite date and add 10 pounds. To your weight.

To your weight. Yeah. There you go. All right. Don't be late. Now we got that settled. Ronnie from Twitter, what three items could you walk up and set on the conveyor belt that would make the store cashier super uncomfortable,

confused, and concerned. I've been down this road before, and we'll keep it copacetic here. But here's the thing. I think this happens the most at a Walgreens or something like that, but also like Target, Walmart. I think this happens the most at a Walgreens or something like that. Okay. But also like Target, Walmart. If you have a wide variety of things,

this is why men don't want to buy certain things for their wives. Family planning? And yes, family planning or times of the month or any type of products that you're uncomfortable buying because do you feel like you need a buffer product? Yes, always. You feel like you need, but it yes always you feel like you need like but it can't just be like not this guy can't just be some gum right it's like give me some gum

and uh a more embarrassing product give me gum no i said i said a gum gum can't be the buffer product you need some more significant shopping i got you can't just go uh and a stick of Wrigley's. You know? You're just making eye contact with the cashier. But let's, for the ease of conversation. This is to make them uncomfortable. For the ease of conversation here, let's say that that item is something like, I don't know, you need some hemorrhoid cream. Okay? Very awkward to buy just hemorrhoid cream. Because they know what you're there for and they know your problems.

It's sliding them a confession is what you're doing. This is what I'm dealing with right now. But if you combine something with hemorrhoid cream, you're also implying a weird combination like, oh, hemorrhoid cream and Ben and Jerry's. That's weird. Now and later. What is the ultimate thing to make someone really uncomfortable? It's two frozen burritos and it's a pack of adult diapers.

That's good. I was going to say it's rope, steak knife, or I mean rope and some butcher knives. You look like a murderer. And some gloves. You get the kitchen gloves. And some gloves.

Yeah. You get the kitchen gloves. That would make them so uncomfortable. That's getting you reported. For buying products at a store? Here's the thing. I have been here, done this before, but it feels bad, and I know what is going through the minds of the worker. I go and I restock my medicine cabinet for the Wednesday night essentials,

which is Tums, Gas-X. You said that like we know. Right. Gas-X and maybe some Pepto. Okay. You know, you go to the checkout line with those three. Now, do you have those three and then some, like, burritos? Oh, no.

Those are all at home. I've always wondered why Postmates or Jack in the Box, there should be a little... You just check a box and you get a thing of Tums thrown in. It's a single serving. A single serving Gas X.

You choose. Let's not make a joke. Have you had the Postmates driver give you... No. Give you treats? What? Uh-oh. That can't be good. I had a Postmates driver... Have? No. Give you treats? What? Uh-oh. That can't be good.

I had a Postman driver. Have a candy. They gave me mints. They gave you mints? Yeah. But they're from their own pocket? They didn't just like, hold on, scrummage, scrummage. But how did you know that they were their mints and not from the store?

Because it was wrapped in like a special bag. Oh, like a thank you? Yes. Oh, for the tip? Yes. Oh, they gave you like a- It was for the- And it worked.

I would not be able to not tip that person more. Okay, okay. A gift bag. You say it worked. Yes. I say shenanigans. Do you tip the people that don't bring you those gift bags? Not like I did the person that gave me the gift bag.

There's multi-buttons, my man. Yeah, 10, 15, 20%. Yeah. Well, I mean, if you're a good tipper, then everybody gets the same. What do you do every time? 15%? Like 20%. You go up?

You go to the 20? You're a Postmates upper? Yes, I'm a 20%-er. Wow. Well, yeah, certainly if you max out the tip option in the software, that's not going to do them any favors. Exactly. The problem with the percentage of the tip is I already know that Postmates

is rounding up my prices and then throwing in all their, this is the convenience fee and here's the fee because we made it easier. It's all the same thing. Why do you keep trying to be all these fees? I'm going to be honest with you. I move it down to 10 if i feel like i paid too much on postmates i do so the bigger your order is the smaller if i feel like i bought and if the food really stinks or something i just oh what it's not their fault i know it's

not their fault but it makes the like you go you spend money on postmates and i brought this up to you jason the other day there's like a place down the street, but we were watching a movie. So I decided to pay for it. If I had just gone there, I probably would have saved like $20. Instead, I get the food. It was horrible food. Then I spent like $50, $60. I just didn't want to put another 15% into there, but I did 10. And I know it's not their fault. I do it based on like items. Yeah yeah that makes much more sense than price because if you're let's say you're getting a 12 order or a 60 order chances are they both come in one bag yep you did the same amount of work you walked in you grabbed this you came back why am i tipping you more because i'm spending more i'm with you andy i want a postmates person that comes up with their own

like the pizza bag that's warmed. I want their own custom warming box that they pull it all out of. That would be some extra care. Because I get cold Postmates way too often. They'd still get 20%. Man, we pay a lot for convenience in America. Don't we? We do. Because the

food's colder, gross, almost always wrong. Almost always wrong. And way more money. All to sit on our couch. I look forward. Meanwhile, Mr. Postmates is like, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, yeah.

Have some mints. I look forward to the day when we can look back and remember what it was like to go to restaurants. You do look forward to that day? Remember when we used to go to these places? You are trying to get the Wally thing to happen so bad dude i can't wait for in the article the the millennials killed the restaurant it's like no that was that was us yeah we're lazy the spitballers Draft. All right, we are drafting the best Olympic sports. Now, one of my questions has already been answered. I didn't know if we were able to mix and match winter and summer sports.

I don't even know what makes a good Olympic sport. Is it the idea of just watching it? Is it how cool the sport is? I don't even know what makes Olympic sports stay Olympic sports and why they pull things away. There's some super secret committee about it. I know. Behind closed doors.

I know. But Jason gets the honor of the most valuable first pick ever. Because there's a clear winner. Everyone out there. Whatever you do, don't take pole vaulting. Yeah. Everyone out there is thinking. That was straight up take pole vaulting. Yeah. Everyone out there. That was straight up my number one pick.

It is pretty cool. Yeah. That's why. Don't take it, Jason. There is no number one pick here. Yeah. Look. He's already tilting.

Well, this is just so stupid. It's so stupid to have the first pick here. I should get the first three picks. The beauty of the draft on the Spitballers podcast, Jason, is that you get to tell us why you were right. You make the first pick. Then you tell us that you're a genius. That's it.

Well, there's only one pick I actually want, but I'm not going to take it. Because I'm going to play the game and hope it gets back to me. Okay. That's part of the game. I'm going to take gymnastics. I'm going to take gymnastics. I'm going to take gymnastics because... Are we going... Checking with

Al Borland, are we going that broad? That's a great question. When you say gymnastics, that's a lot. I'm getting a lot of different... Pommel horse and the rings and the dancing. I think there's so many sports that it is one pick.

That's what, that would be my vote as much as. Yeah, I agree. Okay. You get gymnastics. You're not taking freestyle swimming and then I'm taking the butterfly Mike, right? Cause nobody tunes in to watch. Like I'm only watching the, the rings. I mean, people say I'm going to watch the gymnastics event.

And those aren't separate sports either. Gymnastics is the sport. Yeah, so I'm going to take gymnastics. Look, I think that over the last several decades, our lives, the last our lives. We've had some great American gymnasts and and going forward which one what's your favorite one jason simone is that her is that her name it is right simone and pumba no uh oh that's simone so which one's your favorite what and like when when what event did you love that she did that's

simone biles right yes okay i'm yeah and i i don't know i don't know if i'm naming this correctly but it's the it's the freestyle dance that i think it's called a floor routine a floor routine thank you they could upgrade that freestyle dancing would be way cooler marketing. Watch Simone Biles freestyle dance into your heart. All right. Watch her do a floor mat routine. So did you... It was really good. Your case for this number one pick is on the basis of just like,

we've had some good routines recently. I have no basis for this pick. This is a shout out to my sister. Because growing up, she loved it. Okay. That's it. I regret not taking the pick I wanted. I totally regret not taking the one that I actually cared about.

Shame on me. And neither of you take it. I am going to select the sport. It's a winter sport. Now, Mike, you've got a couple of... Yeah, I have a couple of picks. You've got a couple of uh yeah i have you've got two picks i do there's so many like for me it's is it super unique super fun to watch and um i don't remember what it's called but it's when the skiers go down the hill and then they fly for like the long jump is that is that all it's called i the ski the long ski jump the ski jumper when they fly that is symbolic of like all the olympics to

me that is the most iconic eddie the eagle stuff it's called ski jumping incredible marketing once again just like your floor dancing we don't need to market this. It stands alone. So ski jumping seems amazing to me. It was a last-second pivot, but when I picture the Olympics in my head, ski jumping, where else do they do that? You do that just to compete for distance. Nobody's doing that just for fun, are they? There are weird Olympic events where it's like this is the only place we do it. So you spend your whole life being the best at this thing that every couple

of years you can actually do. It's not high profile, but to me, it's the best. I like it. So I'm going number one. No, it's a super cool event. All right. I'm on the board. Yeah, you get a back-to-back.

So I will take basketball. Dang it. That's the one I should have taken. Because it's the best Olympic sport. Well, but it's not anymore. Why? And that's why I didn't take it. Because it's the best Olympic sport. Well, but it's not anymore. But why? And that's why I didn't take it. Because it's the only summer Olympic sport I will actually watch.

See, to me, it's the only summer Olympic sport you could watch every day of your life, even when the Olympics aren't going on. Yeah, it's not even an Olympic sport. It's just basketball. What a dumb pick. It's basketball, except it's the U.S. of A kicking that butt. At least we used to. That's why I didn't take it. Oh, because we lose now? Because we're not that great at it. I A kicking that butt. At least we used to. That's why I didn't take it.

Oh, because we lose now? Because we're not that great at it. I'm kind of shocked. I'm like, I like basketball, but it's on like tonight. You can watch the NBA tonight. But it's not National Pride. Okay, I get it. National Pride is awesome, by the way.

But I don't think this is National Pride. You want National Pride, there's a different one out there. But I believe. Really, all the Olympic sports for national pride. Sure. But my best... If I think about the Olympics and watching the Olympics and what mattered the most to me in my life,

there is a... It's the dream team. It's the dream team, man. Yeah. There's nothing that comes as close to when the dream team was out there back in the early 90s, crushing the souls and spirits of the world. Oh, you want to add basketball to the Olympics?

Fine. I mean, it was awesome. How did we get away with that? Because I thought it was supposed to be no professionals allowed. When did the loophole enter that we could send our professional basketball players? I don't think it was a loophole. I think we always sent collegiate athletes. I think you're right.

I think we just went, we've kind of been losing. Let's just show the world what's up. They started trash talking. Wait, why is Russia sending their pros? Maybe we should do that. Mike, you have another pick. All right. I don't know all the events I

possibly get since you took gymnastics and you seem to get them all. I will take track and field. Oh, that's great. Because aside from basketball, when it's the summer... Is that okay? Track and field? I'm not trying

to... I'm really not trying to trade pick you. I was like, oh, I can't draft pole vaulting now? I almost regret telling Jason. Does he get 13 things? Yeah, it's in track. So long jump, running. You get track or field. I feel like he has to at least take the.

Should we make Jason take a specific gymnastic? No, decathlon or something like that. No, then I'm going back. I take basketball. No, because that's like taking the floor routine. You him he gets the full i think he gets track and field well they're different sports though gymnastics is one sport right no but track and field is multiple sports here's here's here's i'm just in andy's defense here's the difference there are a set of gymnasts that go and they compete in all the gymnast things. There are gymnasts who specialize in certain events.

I don't know and cannot verify if that's true. I 100% know that's true. Yeah, I don't think like Simone Biles is doing every event. She does. She does every event. Some do floor. Some do balance beam. Some do rings.

Yes, 100% they do. No, they all do all of them. I don't think you're right here, Mike. They really do all of them. That's why Simone Biles, she won multiple events. I remember watching the gymnastics. They all compete and the scores go together. There were the people that were great at multiple events

or this is this person's specialty. All right, if he wants track and field, that's fine. There's lots of other sports. I will take track and field. But I think you actually, genuinely, I think you lose for that. Boom. Oh, fight, fight, fight. Like you lose your argument because you don't get to talk about one specific thing that's exciting

about track and field. Yeah, I do. Track and field. Who's the fastest man in the world? Okay. That's fine. Usain Bolt. So running.

Is it still Usain Bolt? I don't know. All right. I know his name, so yes. He is the fastest man alive. I'm going to go with table tennis. Yes. I'm going with ping pong because i mean we decided that's an

olympic sport just like that and very strange i don't get to watch ping pong ever competitively unless i'm cheering on the us of a yeah we compete in that no we don't but i'm still cheering for us even if we don't compete we don't compete in curling do we oh yeah oh yeah we took care of business and currently i don't i don't know if we win but, yeah. Oh, yeah. We took care of business in curling? I don't know if we win, but I know that we're in it. We have ice places. I imagine the Norwegians and the Canadians. Oh, it's all the Canadians.

They got it on lockdown. It's a racket, man. So many brooms up there. All right. All right. They're like, we brought forth the US of A. We're like, we need the Summer Olympics. And Canada's like, what about the winter sports, eh?

Jason, you're back up two picks. All right, first is easy. It's swimming. Swimming's great. You got Michael Phelps. You want to talk about, oh, I know his name. I mean, you've got superstars, and this is really one of the most watched events.

It is. It's great. It's an awesome sport swimming is fantastic now now is where i get a little bit more creative because there's a couple different ways i could go here and they're they're both very much not you know i've got gymnastics and swimming major major events i wanted to i'm one i got my majors now now i need my minors. Okay. And to start me off with my minor, I am thinking that I am going to go with one of the best movies of all time, Cool Runnings. Oh, bobsled.

And you give me that bobsled. That's a great pick. That's a great pick. Cool Runnings. That's a great pick, except the That's a great pick Except the What's The luge But what's the one Where you like die

Every time Skeleton You go from bobsled There's an event Called skeleton And you didn't take it That's where it's just Your body

I don't even know what that is That's just your body That's Where's the bobsled You got rid of the sled You're the sled No I think you're on a sled But you're like head first

That's stupid Why do we do these stupid things? I don't know. I just searched for skeleton and I did not get what I wanted. I got a lot of skeleton. Yeah, you're on a little bit of a thin little piece of plastic and you're face first. And you're going down the same bobsled tunnel. Is it really?

Yes. Oh, that's so stupid. Why would they do that? Because they want death. Wow. But bobsled's cooler. All right. Because it's cool runnings.

Yeah, and you got four and two-man bobsleds. Cool runnings. That's pretty good. Wait, he gets both of those? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He gets both bobsled variations, Mike.

All right. I'm going to go with figure skating. Okay. I'm going to go with figure skating. That's a great one. Mike. All right. I'm going to go with figure skating. Okay. I'm going to go with figure skating. It's just a, uh, iconic world renowned, uh, very fun kind of defines the winter Olympics. So I I'm going figure skating, Mike. I will. I am shocked. It, it came down to this, but I'll take soccer. Oh no. That's the one I was going to say is more of like the national and it's back to me and I will take it.

I love that every argument I made against basketball applies to soccer, but I totally buy the soccer pick. Not really. Not for America. There's not just soccer on day in, day out. So let's just be clear, because I brought the thing up at the beginning. What makes a great Olympic sport? For you, it's apparently that America wins.

100%. It's not what makes the sport. To me, I thought it was about what the sport is. No, but I don't enjoy losing. I mean, it's one of those things where... But you're so good at it. Name something I've ever lost at, ever. This draft?

Oh, doubtful. You lost at foosball 20 minutes ago. Hey, Al Borland, how'd pickleball go? Hot pickleball? I just can't remember this year. Haven't we played three one-on-one games? I can't remember. What's my record? We gotta wrap this. Al,

is your mic broken? Who's on the clock? Oh, yeah. It's 3-0. I'm on the clock. Mike gets to wrap it up. The team games just keep flowing. I will take hockey. Hockey's a great So you've got hockey, basketball, soccer- And track and field.

And track and field. Well, look, you didn't go for any nuance there. I mean, you're not- Nope. Like, for instance, I'm taking the biathlon. What's in there? I have no idea. Is that like a loser's triathlon?

No. It's like, the three's too many. I couldn't make it to three. You do two things. What do you do? You ski and you shoot a gun. Oh, that's pretty cool. I'm taking the biathlon.

You don't ski. You cross-country ski. Yeah, you cross-country ski. That's walking on skis. Then you shoot targets. Then you cross-country ski, and you shoot targets. I'm trying to take this back to Athens. I want to go back to when...

Then you should have taken nude wrestling. Well, my point is very... Did you not know the Olympics were nude? What? Oh, bro. He's talking about not now. Not now. Yeah, I know not now.

I'm well aware that now the Olympics are not performed in the nude. Like the OG Olympics. Them was nude sports, my man. Ski jumping, table tennis, figure skating, biathlon, which no one will know what it is. If you were going to take niche, you should. Curling is the one niche sport I would watch. Well, I had other ones like pole vaulting that I can't take

or water polo. That's part of the field. Or archery, which are very cool. All right, archery is very cool. Yeah, but the one where you don't just shoot, you also ski. You also walk around on skis. What are my picks? Your picks are Jim.

Do I have four? No, you have three. Oh, I'm off. But that's just, we're not concerned with you. We'll give you all of our picks. Gymnastics, swimming, bobsledding. Last pick before we close this out, Jason. You got to make your final pick.

I was close to going when I wanted the minors and I wanted the nuance. I was really close between curling and bobsledding. Curling is awesome. So I'm going to take, because I literally don't know where else in the world you can watch curling than at the Olympics. You know, everything else is, you know.

You're watching a lot of biathlons? I have. I've never watched a biathlon, including the Olympics. You ever seen any ski jumps? That's your problem. Your problem is I don't watch it at the Olympics. People aren't watching a lot of curling. Oh, my gosh.

It's one of the most popular actual ratings-wise. People love curling. Curling is awesome. That's what I would say about my pick if I had just made it. I didn't make the pick, and I'm supportive of curling. Curling is awesome. That's what I would say about my pick if I had just made it. I didn't make the pick, and I'm supportive of curling. From the research I see, the four biggest most watched events are swimming, gymnastics, curling, and bobsled. So I think I've got a W here. All right.

What did we learn today? I learned that Andy's a narc. I learned that Jason swims at night in a fashion worth narking about. Mike? I learned that Jason doesn't understand how a nasal cavity works

when it comes to sodium. Alright. Look, just snort some salt and get it over with. Then you'll know how it works. I'll be right back. This will be Jason's last show. We'll see you next time. Thanks Al.

Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the spit ballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to. Check out spitballersPod.com.