Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 78: Spitballers Classics: A Genie Grants You 3 Wishes... and Chocolate Tarantulas

Episode Date: December 23, 2019

With the season upon us, we are stepping away from the mics for the holidays to spend some time with our families. We will back in the new year with some great, fresh, original content. Until then, enjoy one of our first episodes EVER! … What would you ask for if you had 3 wishes? Andy, Mike, and Jason explore how to make the world a better place via a genie. They also discuss if it is better to have no fingers or no elbows. Finally, the guys have a mock draft of delicious breakfast foods. Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Oh, Spitwads, it is the holiday season around here. When we're recording this, it's almost Christmas, and it's almost New Year's, and we're going to take some time with the family. Look, this is a family-friendly show. This is a show that you can listen with your kids in the car, and some of you, for some reason, like it, but we're going to be with our families. And I begged, I begged Mike and Andy, I said, the spit wads will understand. We don't need to give them anything. We don't need to give them jack squat. And they're like, no, we should, we should take one of our episodes that are in

the vault and let them have something for Christmas. And I was like, no way I will not let them, but I was outvoted two to one. I didn't want to give you this, but instead we're going to hit you with a classic, a great episode from the past. You can thank Mike and Andy later. You have, you cannot thank me. You don't deserve this, but here you go. what happens when three buffoons give life advice explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve it's the spitballers podcast with andy mike and jason Welcome in to your weekly dose of nonsense. Andy Holloway here. It is the Spitballers Podcast joined, as always, by Mike Wright, Jason Moore.

Gentlemen, it is so great to be in your presence this fine day. You're darn right it is. Look, man, you are welcome. I'm glad I can provide a service to this room, to this office building, and it's just my presence and my face. It is the only reason I do this show. I don't really care that it's broadcast or anything like that. I just want to be in a room with you.

Yeah, that's fair. I don't blame you. That's very fair. It's a good Monday. I just want to be in a room with you. I don't blame you. That's very fair. It's a good Monday. Mondays used to suck. You know, Mondays have always gotten a bad rap. Sounds like someone's got a case of the Mondays. Exactly.

You got a case of... Not anymore. Now, thanks to the weekly dose of nonsense. The magic of podcasts. The magic. The magic. Twitter.com slash SpitballersPod is where you can find us on Twitter. Why do we write it like that?

It's just at SpitballersPod. That's how the people talk about Twitter. True. You don't give a full URL. You find us on Twitter at SpitballersPod. Someone fix that in my notes. Fix it. I will do that.

You can find us on the web, spitballerspod.com. We're on Instagram, instagram.com slash spitballerspod. I did it again. Yeah, it's the same exact thing. Yeah, this is a Ron Burgundy situation here. Hey, kids, we're on the gram at spitballerspod. Hey, kids, we're on the gram. That's what the cool people say.

No, no. How are you guys doing? What's going on? What's new? How's the family how's life jason you're 36 now i am 36 i made it thank you for your support you've always looked at least 36 and now i finally look my age yeah i don't act it but how do you feel? I feel sore AF. My body is broken down by a man who is paid to do that, and I'm very sore. I thought you were going to say 36 years of poor choices. That's what broke your body down. Yeah. Well, it's 35 years of poor choices.

That's fair. 36 is going to be just so great, so healthy. What is the average life expectancy of a human male? Of a Jason Moore or a human male? No, no, no, no, no. I'm just trying to do the math on whether. I think the average age, I want to say it's like 70. Okay, so you literally, if you made 35 years of bad choices

and you make 35 years of good choices, that will be exactly 70 years. I'm just saying. Oh, man. So you can make more years. According choices that will be exactly 70 years i'm just saying 76 oh man you can make more according to an article of 2013 thanks google for highlighting that very current information you said that that you were about to say that that means i can make even more years of good choices but what i hear there is i can actually have three more years of bad choices. I don't need to make good choices yet. And then the second half, I'll pull it out. Good news, guys. It's actually 79 now.

Oh, four and a half years of bad choices incoming. It'll go up, too. By the time we are that age, is that what counts? It actually went down. Probably be like 120. In 2011, it was 78.7. And then a couple years later right it actually went down like 120 from in 2011 it was 78.7 and then a couple years later it actually went down because much like jason uh the american american folks we are not making the best decisions we love food trying to think of what fast food chain

came out after 2011 that can be attributed to that. I've got one. It's my favorite. Yeah, we'll leave it. We'll leave it there. We need all the future potential sponsors that this podcast can handle. From time to time, before we jump into our segments on today's Spitballers episode, which are going to be oh so great, just in case you're wondering, we do like to read a review from the listeners.

We always appreciate your reviews on Apple Podcasts. Well, we always appreciate five-star reviews. Oh, you don't like the other ones? There are no other ones. I don't like them either. If you're out there, they've disabled the ability to click any of the other stars. So just click five. Okay?

All right. Review-a- Asaurus Rags. This one comes in from Isabel Green, titled, Giving Random Topics More Thought Than They Probably Deserve. She says, Giving Random Topics More Thought

Than They Definitely Deserve. And it's a buffoonish delight. It's like hanging out in your living room with your much funnier friends andy mike and jason are back again to talk about everything and nothing a la seinfeld meets impractical jokers those are those are pretty good comps sure pretty good pretty good comps. Pretty good comps. Always family friendly and always good for lots of belly laughs. Gimme, gimme more. Well, Isabel, we shall.

Buffoonish Delights is a phrase. That's from the Chronicles of Narnia. That's what he ordered. Some Buffoonish Delight from the Queen. Oh, that is right. That is right. Wait, is this true? That was Turkish Delight.

I knew someone was going to fall for it. It wasn't Buffoonish Delight. Mr. Lewis. Yes. delight. Yeah. I was like, I knew someone was going to fall for it. It wasn't buffoonish delight. Mr. Lewis. Yes. Mr. Lewis. Little CS. Clyde Staples. Yeah.

The old so-and-so. All right. Well, let's get into it. What would you do? I like that whenever we turn the microphones on, I know that we're helping people. And that's what I like about this show. Starting with, a genie grants you three wishes. What would you do?

Both of these questions fit into that what would you do category, okay? So this is a simple one. It's been asked aplenty. But I want to know from you guys, what would you do? A genie has emerged from wherever. Where do you find genies these days? I'm not. Where do you find those lamps?

Plus you have to go to lamps plus and you got to, you got a lot of work to do. A lot of lamps in there. A lot of rubbing. You got to find the right one, but it appears we found it. Yes. And what do we do? I'll start. I'll start us off with my first wish because i know it i'm like so confident something you've thought about well something i've thought about before before you launch into it there's really the two questions you have to ask yourself i've got the three wishes am i going personal game

or am i helping out humankind right and i think there's other forks in the road there but i'm going with the with the ladder i believe of helping humans of helping humans and what i think he said a ladder so your first i'm going to your first wish is a ladder no dang it did i just lose a wish you lost the wish i didn't say i You have a ladder. Now what else do you have with your last two wishes? Oh, man. Now I feel like I can't. It could be a big one, though. The biggest ladder that ever was.

Well, it better. If this was one of my wishes, I'm asking for the Guinness Book of World Records ladder. Mostly so I could sell, because here's a little thing I found out about myself. You're going to use a genie to sell ladders. Because my plans are foolproof. So I found this out. Just one ladder, please. About, I think, six or seven Christmases ago.

Oh, we're on a ladder story now. I am afraid of heights. I had one of those gorilla ladders that you can straighten out to one big, long ladder. I laid it up against my two-story house. I got three-quarters of the way up that ladder, and I didn't know how to get down. The wobbles. It's got the little bend in the middle, and I was like, I can't move. I can't even walk back down.

The firemen had come and get me off this ladder. That's why your wish is a ladder. You want a real stable ladder. Yeah, it's going to be a genie ladder. Wish two. Wish two. Wish two is still to help other people, which is to get rid. A lot of things we need to rid in this world.

Yeah, yeah. Evil, murder, poverty. And sweet potatoes. Because sweet. Wait. I am getting rid of sweet potatoes from this beautiful earth. Potatoes. I've been to lunch with Jason, and he disparages anybody who gets sweet potato fries.

Oh, our. Talks about yams. Our producer, Brooks, got these sweet potato fries and you know when we were out to to lunch and i you know he he wants me to like him so i was like oh can i have one and i grabbed it and i threw it across the restaurant straight into the garbage can true story sweet potatoes are like regular potatoes except nature made a huge mistake. Nature definitely screwed up with the texture. Yeah, sweet potatoes are absolute trash. You would support his.

It's a strange use of a wish. I will admit this, but it is making the world a better place if sweet potatoes are just gone. Potatoes are so great, and sweet things are so great. The marketing behind this is one of the most upsetting things of all times because if you told me, hey, you want potatoes? Yes. You want sweet potatoes? That sounds great.

And then it's mushy garbage. I was going to say, mush, mush, potatoes. It didn't sell. Oh, okay. That's the problem. It's the marketing. You're expecting cinnamon sugar potatoes, and you're ending up with mushy suboptimal. You put the word potato in there, so I'm expecting something very delightful,

delicious, very versatile. Potatoes can be used in all different forms. Let's pull this back for a second, and I want to focus on the realities of the situation. Jason has used two wishes, and he's in a room and he has a ladder and there's no sweet potatoes left in the world. That is where we're at. A ladder, no sweet potatoes. And are you sitting there going, man, that was a great use of two wishes. So far, so good.

So far, so good. And then for my third wish, I'm going to wish for $100,000. What? $100,000. What? $100,000. That's right. I know I can wish for a whole lot more. People will get suspicious, though. Yeah.

I'm going to have to. Taxes. I'm going to have to. You know how hard it is to launder a billion dollars? You have to launder it if it's cash? I don't know if it's from a genie. Are you asking for a check from the genie i'm i definitely want that you can't go you have to get unmarked you need bitcoin i'm gonna say i'm gonna

say well it's a little too volatile right now i'm gonna ask the genie for a hundred grand a brief case full of cash for a hundred thousand dollars and you'll have at least three four hundred dollars more coming in with the ladder i won't yes it's a really nice ladder i think upwards of five hundred dollars so a hundred thousand five hundred dollars and i have rid the world of sweet potatoes you're welcome yeah i don't blame you on that one my my first wish while i was over here talking the large game of being a humanitarian and helping people. You have a genie at your disposal. You get whatever you want. I have thought about this a lot in my life.

And I've always come to the consensus that the first wish I'm going with is I want Superman's powers. Oh! Except I don't want his super hearing. I feel like the super hearing superpower, if you cannot turn it off, you're in a world of trouble. Can he not turn it off? He learned to cope. He learned to cope with that.

I've seen the movies where a teenager is like, oh, my gosh, I'm hearing everything. I don't know how to. But we all went through movies where a teenager is like, oh my gosh, I'm hearing everything. I don't know how to. But we all went through that as a teenager. We've all gone through that as a teenager where I don't know how to deal with my body right now. And you learn and you adapt. I thought you were going to say you want his powers, but you don't want his weakness to kryptonite. No, I'm not worried about that.

I'm changing my ladder to kryptonite. I just want a brick of kryptonite to fool with you, Mike. You're out of wishes now. Dang it. I will use one of my wishes on a lot of kryptonite for Jason and I to use. Yes. Here's the thing about the kryptonite. I'm wishing officially for an entire bank vault full of kryptonite.

I'm just going to sprinkle a little bit in his water. See this Superman get like, oh, I got a tummy ache. What's going on? What I never understood about the kryptonite is Superman can fly so fast that he can go around, circle the globe, and turn back time. He literally stops the revolution of the Earth, makes it go the other direction. Which would, of course, turn back time. Yeah, number one, you can get rid of the kryptonite. Problem solved.

I think Jason was focusing on the fact that the Earth spinning in the opposite direction doesn't change time. No, I get it, but I'm just saying these are the stories. But if you can move that fast, let's say time travel's not even involved, you can just move really, really fast. Just get away from it. Just, one, get away from it just do the do a flyby and just smack it oh that was like that was like uh here just to interject real quick story when we used

to work in scottsdale at a different company my business partner showed up one day with a treat for me it was one of those globed tarantulas, and I am ridiculous. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Did you just call it a churrantula? A churrantula? No, you went with a C, like C-H. I heard churrantula. It's a churrantula.

Nope. No. How do you spell churrantula, Jason? Hold on, let me Google that. Google says it's T. Yes. So it's a tarantula. So this tarantula.

I guess if it's covered in chocolate, it technically would be a charantula. No. For the record, not covered in chocolate. Not delicious either, if it was. But I knew I was going to be terrorized by this thing the rest of my life. Is it alive? No, it was dead. All right.

It was in carbonite. Yeah, you know those... And I knew what I had to do. This was my weakness. It is literally tarantulas are my only weakness. Chocolate spiders are his only weakness.

And I had to grab this thing after I was running away from it forever. I finally had to grab it. Run outside the suite. Run outside the building, run to a nearby building where they didn't see which garbage can I ditched in it because I know they would have gone dumpster diving. And I got rid of it. That's what Superman should do. I just want the world.

Hold on. Hold on. Jason has used three wishes. He has $100,000 a ladder, right? Yeah. And there's no sweet potatoes, but you didn't get rid of spiders, which are your actual phobia. Dang it.

Andy, you used one wish on me. Because he is a philanthropist over here. Can I give you $200 for another wish? I'm going to go outside the box for my second wish. No, I'll take the latter. No. Here's my second wish. It's a little bit...

It's very selfish, but I want to have a little fun. Okay? Everybody who gets this question, they want unlimited of blank. That's breaking the rules. I want the ability to point my finger at any person and immediately make all their body hair grow as fast as possible until I lift my finger back up and it stops. So you start sassing me? Oh.

And I'm going to- You're going to need a haircut. No. I'm going to make all your hair grow. Your eyebrows are growing. Your nose hair. My eyelashes? That would be impossible.

Everything. Do you have the power to- I will bury you in your own hair to specify which hair actually like of course i do and go of course your right armpit is just out of yeah it's a main most of the time i say take this i go take this now and then i point what happens if you're just casually walking down the street, you happen to see, hey, here's a fella I know, and you give him the guns. You just go, hey, dude.

And you point. All inadvertent. Interverting herring. I'll learn to control it. There'll be some casualties. Look, you're going to need to buy some scissors and some razors. I have a sense of justice, and somehow this is tied in. And if I had these powers, and I was sitting in a courtroom, right,

and I'm listening to some very guilty evil man drone on on the stand about how he's... I'm going to cover him in hair. He's just going to be buried. He's going to be choking on his own hair. You got to go real slow, though. I mean, not so slow that you don't notice, but just creeping down,

giving really bad bangs. I've done such a better job than Jason. I've bought myself a vault of kryptonite, and I have hair power. My ladder's awesome. So far, your ladder is the most sellable of our items. Yes, it is the most sellable. Do you have a third wish, Mike? No.

Or are you out? Well, right now, I'm thinking of you sparked the memory of me thinking you know mind control a telekinesis would be an incredible power to have but at the same time I don't know if I could be trusted with this you know the great power I don't know I don't have the great responsibility for a great power I don't I don't know if you guys remember the movie Chronicle. Did you see this? I remember the trailer. It's the superhero movie, but it's a found footage style, and eventually someone's tailgating them in a car, so the kid who's kind of turning evil waves his hand,

and the car goes off the road. I've thought about doing that so many times. So you're afraid you'd murder. Yes. You're afraid of yourself. See, I'm worried that I would use Andy's power and give like 100,000 ladies mustaches. I'd be like, and you've got a mustache? And you've got a mustache?

That brings us to our next question, and I'll conclude with my third one. I want a Control-Z for my life. I just want to be able to. Oh, good one. You know, when I'm on the computer, you can edit, undo. So I'm going to Control-Z any moment that goes one. You know, when I'm on the computer, you can edit undo. So I'm going to control Z any moment that goes wrong. How does it work? Do you go back five minutes?

Look, I'm hanging out with you, and you throw the car off the road, and you kill a bunch of people. You say, hey, Andy, can you control Z that? And I'll do it, and I'll take you back. You haven't murdered them, but you get the satisfaction of throwing them off the road. Then I'm taking the mind control powers. Okay. And I'm just hanging out with you. We're all going to work together.

I thought about taking $110,000. Oh, that would have been so rude. I know. How do you not go with a money making machine? Because I would feel guilty. I didn't earn it. So, but $100,000, that's my limit. Get me down from this ladder.

All right, here's the next question. I'll give you $100,000. What would you do? You get home from a hard day of work, which obviously we can all relate to. Oh, yeah. Your wife is nowhere to be found, and you find your infant has had a poop party. Okay? Been there.

What would you do? What do you do? This is not a what would you do. This is what do you do, because it's coming. What do you do with the doo-doo? Yeah, what do you do with the doo-doo? Yeah, what do you do with the doo-doo? We all have three kids, for those out there, and they're very sage. Mine are nine, six, and three.

Jason's, I believe, are nine. Nine, nine, and five. Twins. And nine, seven, four. Like you did anything to make those twins. I did, but that's for another podcast. Like you did anything special. We're not going to get into it.

This is a nice family show. I don't know how it works in your guys' home and the family situation, but anyone, if you're in a relationship, especially long-term, people just settle into roles. You just know this is your job. I don't clean up dog vomit in my house. Maybe it was unfortunate you just did it first, so now it's your job. Maybe I don't clean up dog vomit in my house. Maybe you were. It was unfortunate.

You just did it first. So now what's your job? It is funny like that. And you're like, oh, you did it right. Now you're in charge of the dishes. You did it last time. Like, oh, crap. But in my family, I am 100% responsible for all bodily fluids.

Oh, no. And all rectal explosions. Now, is this based on the fact that you did it first or the fact that your wife cannot handle those things? She cannot handle it. And I have a good example. She's got a good situation going. Yeah.

Especially when this happens. Dogs, we... Dogs are my favorite creatures. I mean, besides ducks ducks but the best pets we've thought i thought he was gonna say besides humans just glosses over it like well of course i just you know besides ducks anyways i just wanted out there that my love for ducks so anyways i love dogs so very much i I love everyone's dog. Just under ducks. If I could get a pet duck, it would be a match made in heaven.

No wonder you like the dark wing. Early on in my marriage, one of the first things we did, we went out and we got a dog. We got an English Bulldog. Now, mistakes were made. I don't recommend this. There's better ways to get your dog, but we got it from a mall shop and because we went in which is mistake number one you fall in love with the dog this dog already has bad habits this dog is a poop eater and this is a habit that we went through the gamut everything you know the they say put hot sauce on the poop put pumpkin

spice there's all sorts of tricks you can do to make it taste better, to make it taste worse. I hate pumpkin spice on my poop. I just hate it. Go on. Except for in October. Then it's a seasonal treat. Anyways, they're on very few occasions,

so I can count it on one hand, but that's still too many. The dog... This is shame on me. I didn't clean up. The dog gorged itself on so much of its own poo. Oh, my God. The people are cringing. I know.

I am with them. I am cringing. I'm hiding behind my hands. The dog throws it up in its kennel, vomited poo, and then it became this poo barf stew that you cannot, if you've never seen vomited up feces, you haven't lived. But anyways, she's in a kennel. Okay. So the dog is covered.

My carpet is covered. The kennel is covered my carpet is covered the kennel is covered and i have to handle all of this by myself as my wife can't ask for the help because she doesn't handle and here's the worst part about my wife's reaction to these things is she does it's kind of involuntary now at this point you know how you you pretend like you're getting sick. You do the, oh, oh. So I have her doing that in the back, and I have the absolute worst smell that has entered my nostrils in my entire life. I am legitimately a little bit ill right now. Yeah, Andy's face does not look good.

I mean, like always. Go on. I guess what you would do is you are. I would clean it up. Even if she's home, this situation is yours. Yeah, regardless. It's zero-sum game over here. It is funny how that works in marriages, by the way.

Like, that is absolutely how it works with the recycling. Like, we have a bin, and it's like, that's me. I'm taking... I can never expect that to be empty. Under no circumstance will anyone else take out the garbage. And you know what she will do is... Like, it doesn't matter how desperately... She will pile it until it makes a tower of balancing, but she's not going to take it out.

She's going to pile it up until it's at the very... It's mine. It's my job. So here's what you do. You come home from this hard day of work, can't find your wife and your children, your infant, hopefully infant, my 13-year-old has had a poop party.

That's quite a rebellion. Step one. The wife had the poop party, but whatever. That's why she's gone. You cannot confirm or deny. Step one is clearly take pictures. You've got to commemorate. Okay.

I mean, I want to show my teenager's friends the pictures of them just going full war paint uh braveheart here uh they put it on their face they're having a party then my next step is shamefully probably gonna sound something like this this Tiff! Tiff! But she's gone. I'm looking for her. This is how I look for people in my house. Step one, picture. Step two, find the wife.

Find the wife. Step three. Oh, that's the best solution. Yeah, I know. It sounds good. Otherwise, I do have a hose in the backyard. Step one, legitimately, I'm picking up the child and putting them in a bathtub. You eliminate the cause of the poop immediately.

You hope. Step two, Prime Now order for the most Lysol available in one delivery. You need the highest quantity of Lysol possible so you can bleach the house. Man, if only Prime Now delivered to your home, Andy. That's a whole other story. Oh, yeah. Yeah, We live very close together. You're waiting two days for your

delivery. I live across the street from Jason, essentially. But I'm technically in a different zip code, and that means that I technically do not get a delivery. I get prime down deliveries. How's that Giordano's pizza? I also don't get pizza deliveries. Oh, it's great.

I could walk to his house in five minutes and i can get everything all right we're moving on all right we're gonna jump into some uh some would you rather but before we do that i do want to remind the peoples out there if you are a fantasy football fan you gotta come check out our other podcast oh certainly the fantasy footballers you get this level of um what is this that we do here? What is this show? Camaraderie? Levity? Sure.

Sure. Look, there's a lot of words. Fatherhood? Lots of words are said. They get worked into football over there. Yes. And that's it. And we're good at it, I think.

Well, according to the stats, we are very good. One of the highest rated uh places out there so check it out you can go places well you know where's your media conglomerate um okay all right uh otherwise we'll move on we'll move on you go subscribe apple podcast the fancy footballers.com here we go. Would you rather? I think the listeners out there would love to know the fact that Mike is the musician. I almost said magician.

You're the magician and the musician behind all of our drops. You don't know if I am or not a magician. You probably found a lamp a long time ago. Yeah, that was my third wish. Greatest magician in all the land. So great that people don't even know that you're a magician. Would you rather look weak

and be strong or look strong and be weak? So simple question. We can debate the merits. Look strong and be weak. Be weak and look strong man so i think i said the same sides of this like i yeah i could really see both sides i mean i'm a i like mma i like ufc and i'm sitting here thinking okay if i don't look strong i'm probably

scrawny i'm probably tiny i'll probably down a few weight classes well Well, for my sake, I'm down a lot of weight classes. But I mean, that's an advantage. If I'm super strong, but I'm a tiny guy. I can't imagine taking the look strong and be weak approach. Because it doesn't take much to prove that you're strong. Once you look scrawny, and then you show that you're not scrawny, and then you get the respect. But you don't have a nine-pack abs situation. You won't need it when you're bench pressing your girlfriend.

I don't need to bench press my girlfriend when I have one. When people... Because I look so shredded. When people... So you're apparently on that side. Because if people just think I can bench press them, that's all I need. So you're going to

manage the crowd via fear. Yes. Fear is respect. I essentially look like one of these two. That's what I'm getting at. I look very weak, but I am incredibly... In fact, weak. Dang it. Would you rather look weak and be weak? Or look strong and be strong? I look very weak but I am incredibly in fact weak dang it

would you rather look weak and be weak or look strong and be strong I think there are lots of situations where Jason's right the element of surprise shocking people but I think those are not going to be as common as me

never ever ever wearing a t-shirt I think that there not going to be as common as me never, ever, ever wearing a t-shirt. I think that there are people out there who probably have never seen The Rock actually lift anything. Yeah. Is he actually strong? I don't know. Who knows? I don't know him. I mean, I've seen him jump to a helicopter, but not really.

Yeah, CGI. That's a solid point. Now, here's the problem. You look strong. You want to know what's going to happen? People are going to say, hey, I'm moving on Saturday. Really need your help. Yeah.

I twisted my ankle. Yeah, something just came up. I can't lift anything. I can't help you move, bro. Like I said, very rare circumstances that just looking ripped but actually being weak is going to be a problem. So I'm in Arizona. Sun's out, guns out, and buns out.

I'm going to be right there with you, Mike. Everything is out. I'm finally going to get tanned because I look strong. Would you rather have no fingers or no elbows? Okay. All right. That's a very strange would you rather. It is.

No fingers, but you've got clubs. So if I have fingers, then I can't do anything near me. Wait, if you have them or you don't have them? If I do have them, I can't do anything near me. Yeah, because you have no hinge. You have no way of bending. No hinge joint. No hinge.

I'm testing this out, and it is not pleasant man my eyes would be a little shorter because the elbow would be gone i don't know if my eyes are are good enough right now like i'm thinking okay so i want to type on the keyboard i'm sitting back three yards but my eyes are not that great. Now, Jason, if you have, you can actually type, though. I mean, if you're lacking fingers, typing is going to be a difficult thing. You can go get the Dragon Voice software. You do the toe typing. That's really popular. I do have very good dexterity in my toes. That is true.

Really? I really do. Now, are you a toe pincher? Oh, I can pinch the crap out of it. We call those the scorpions in my house. You have a name for it? Oh, because I've got a huge scorpion

problem in my house. Our whole family has got the pincher toes as well. Yeah, I could... When I was younger, because when I was 13 years old... My K could. When I was younger, because when I was 13 years old, my clothes, my clothes, when I was 13 years old, I had a size 13 shoe, which I still have to this day. Why did it stop? I don't know. I think I was supposed to grow taller, but I just didn't. And I could pick up and throw a baseball with my foot.

What? Yeah. What? True story. You should have been a rookie of the year. I know. That doesn't have much to do with elbows and fingers. What if everybody in the population had one or the other of these as well? So you're living in a society where either you've got the elbow-less people,

or another way to say is you've got a bunch of people with arm hinges, but no fingers. Okay. Or you've got a lot of people with straight arms, but they got fingers. Hmm. Does that change the equation for you? Well, if it was everyone in society,

then I think that there would be some great, some way better talk-to-type technology. I feel like there would be just a full Civil War where these two sides would group together and hate each other. Would you ever have like... Like, oh, here comes Elbowless. You know, a couple of kids from both sides of the tracks here? No, it would not happen.

Get together. That would have to be like a Romeo and Juliet situation. That's what I mean, a romance. Yeah, I fell in love with the girl with no elbows. Oh, her hugs are the worst. She had no hinge arms. Oh, yeah. But her fingers delighted me.

What voices? Who are you? Was that Romeo and Juliet performed? No. By Hannibal? Hannibal Lecter just showed up. Hannibal Lecter. Reads Shakespeare.

Oh, my Clariceice you look so good give me one of those straight arm hugs give me one of those straight arm hugs embrace me in your fingers i've always longed for the fingers. I mean, this is... I guess you'd have to have the fingers in that situation because you can't put the lotion on the skin with the fingers. It puts the lotion. That's not even Hannibal. That's true.

It's a movie. That's Andrew Luck. That's Buffalo Bill. In that society, if you're getting married and you're on the club hand elbow side, how do you hold hands? You can't hold hands. How do you punch someone? Oh you can punch someone. Oh you

can punch the heck out of someone. You can club them. No you can't punch. You're an ankylosaurus. You're saying if you have fingers No I'm saying if your elbows don't bend. That means you have fingers. It's a swat. Yeah you slap people. They're the slappers is what they're called. Yeah the slappers and the punchers.

So basically what we're going to find out here is the people who have elbows and no fingers are going to win the Civil War. They're better punchers. Wait, will punching win a Civil War or do you think being able to pull the trigger? Yeah, you're going to have to modify your firearms. You need something that you just stomp on it, and it fires for you. Like a cannon. Like one of those water rockets, except it's a semi-automatic weapon. Or you, in Jason's case, shoot it with your foot.

Yeah, there we go. Mr. Baseball Thrower over here. I can only wish I was so talented. Let me show you what I can do with this AK. All right. Oh, my goodness. All right. Do you guys want to do one of these new mock drafts?

Oh, yeah. Explain to the people what we're going to do. So we've decided to add a new segment, and this is what it is. The Spitballers Draft. I will say this. If you have an idea for a segment or a question for the show, go to spitballerspod.com and send it in to us. And then it might be on the show.

Mike is good with the guitar. He has both elbows and fingers. Handy. And so if we want to make a new segment, we just do it. We just do it. There's no rules. So this is the Spitballers Mock Draft. From time to time, we're going to work in a little draft on the show. And if

you're not familiar with that from the world of sports, we're just going to take turns picking, laying claim to our favorites in a certain category. And this is your team. You are building a team of your selections. So we are doing breakfast food. So we are going to take turns.

Now, I don't know who goes first. Have we determined to put it in a random generator or something? And then we're going to take turns. Now, I don't know who goes first. Have we determined to put it in a random generator or something? And then we're going to take turns picking breakfast foods. And then you're going to tell us out there, or we're going to tell you in our own opinions, who's got the best team of breakfast foods today.

So that's what we're doing. And how many rounds are we going, Jason? Give them the deets. You know, we're going to go a couple of rounds. We'll go at least four rounds. And if you guys have lost, which you will lose to me. What are you doing? I was just going to. I'm one.

Jason's two. Andy is three. Here comes the number. It's two. Jason goes first. He's over here trying to do a whole paper. Cutting paper out. I was going to put it in a hat.

Well, I was going to have to find a hat. Yeah, but it's already done. You're first. Who's second? You got to go clockwise. Clockwise. This is easy. And you know what?

So the next mock draft, then I guess we'll go Michael be first, right? Well, it'll probably be Andy. Whatever. All right. I'll be first. What are we drafting? We are drafting breakfast foods. And so everyone

listening knows what the number one breakfast food is. I don't. Everyone knows what it is. When you hear it, you'll go oh, well, of course. Now, I got I want some sweet potatoes. I want some ground rules. They don't exist. I can't, in fact, say

this dish from a restaurant. Taco Bell? No, you can't. Like fact, say this dish from a restaurant. Taco Bell? No, you can't. Like Cracker Barrel. No. I want this. No.

Broad categories. Yes. Okay. Here, I'll give you a perfect example with the first pick in the 2018 breakfast draft. I'll take a bacon, baby. I mean, the keto people can eat it. It's true. I can eat it so good.

And it's delicious. Later for lunch, I'm going to throw people can eat it. It's true. I can eat it so good. And it's delicious. Later for lunch, I'm going to throw it on my burgers. But I can have it chopped up. I can eat it by itself. I can eat it in a plane. I can eat it on a train. So you're using your first round draft pick to select more of an ancillary piece, not a core item to your breakfast.

It's not a core item until you do what I do, which is you have 16 slices of bacon at breakfast. Yeah, I completely disagree that bacon cannot be a core. It cannot be the main event. You cannot get a plate of bacon. Nobody orders a plate of bacon. But you know what they do order? My pick, a plate of eggs.

I'm getting eggs. Any type, it all counts. Eggs, scrambled, over easy, whatever you want. By the way, how do you like your eggs, Mike? I actually go with over hard. Over hard? Jason? I'm over medium.

I got to have a little bit of yolk in my life. And I'll take them scrambled all day long. Okay. Sounds like we all really enjoy a main event like eggs. They're my number one pick. Pretty boring. They can be great. You can mix cheese in with them. You can make omelets. main event like eggs. They're my number one pick. Pretty boring. They can be great. You can mix cheese in with them.

You can make omelets. That counts as eggs. So far, you did not actually take the second best breakfast foods. It's still on my list. I'm not surprised. Whipped cream doesn't count, Jason. Dang it. Eggs are a good foundation, but they're not very fun.

It's a bland. Well, that's because I'm building from the foundation up. Next round, he's going to take salt. He built the roof to his house, and he's got no foundation. But I'm already. It's a really greasy roof, and it's delicious. I can get on the roof so easy, though. I just crawl right on.

You have a ladder. You have a very, very large ladder. Mike. All right, Mike. Now, is this a snake draft? Are we coming back around? Mike goes first in the next round the next round i thought are we just going from the beginning yeah i think we're just going through the mic what do you make it as easy as possible so the reason i asked the earlier question is because i love egg mcmuffins so very much but if we're going to go

broader than that i'm just going to go with french toast because a french toast in a battle against a waffle the waffle just crumbles to a mess because it's so vastly inferior completely agree and embarrassing to even mention a waffle in the same sentence as a french toast i in fact i apologize for even bringing up waffles while I'm talking about the greatness of French toast. We're not going to do well in Belgium. This is indicative of our society. Mike feels the need to. He chooses French toast, and he has to disparage waffles.

There's nothing wrong with a waffle. Waffles are great unless you're comparing them to French toast. French toast is great unless you're comparing it to my pick, what should have been the second pick overall. Don't say it. Pancakes. I wanted it to slip through the air. Of course you wanted it. Pancakes.

Look, let me ask you this, Mike. How many times in your life have you eaten pancakes versus French toast? 100 to 1? No, definitely not. French toast, I don't screw up French toast when I'm making it. That's interesting. I mess up pancakes. I burn the crap out of them or I undercook them. What's the odds on French toast, I don't screw up French toast when I'm making it. That's interesting. I mess up pancakes. I burn the crap out of them or I undercook them.

French toast is easier. What's the odds on French toast? I was going to say, would you rather have the range of outcomes? You go to a restaurant, you're getting French toast or you're getting a waffle or you're getting pancakes. What's the least easy to screw up? French toast. You really think so? I've had soggy French toast.

No way. And it is trash. Yeah, completely agree. Pancakes are the easiest. That's why you go everywhere and they're like, hey, all of our meals, they come with pancakes because you need them. No, because they're cheap garbage. That's why.

I got no problem with cheap garbage. I have had some really bad pancakes before, too. One of us is going to take syrup and we're all going to be screwed. I'll be like, dang it. Uh-uh, because I can do powdered sugar or fruit. Mike said that so pretentiously. I'm going to have mine with powdered sugar and

fruit. So now where are you at, Andy? I got a foundation of pancakes with a side of bacon. I got a whole breakfast. Where's your walls, Mr. I'm building a house? Oh, they're coming. Breakfast house. I bet they're square. And I bet they're waffles. I'm taking them. You guys left waffles.

You like square waffles? When I'm building a house, I do. I don't build a house with circle waffles, you idiot. Yeah, that's really difficult to pull off. These walls will never hold. By the way, the eggs are very much the ground that I stand upon. The waffles The dirt. Just wait till I build this roof because I already know what I'm picking.

But I've got eggs and waffles to fuck. You guys aren't going to be able to hang with my meal. Mike's pick, though. I am because if you wanted to go with a meat at number one, you took, in fact, the wrong one. Whoa, are you going? You just lost every fan. Are you taking ham?

No, ham. Are you kidding me? You're going sausage over bacon? Sausage. Sausage links over bacon. What are you kidding me? You're going sausage over bacon? Sausage. Sausage links over bacon. What are you, five? No. I remember when I liked sausage more than bacon.

I am a grown man, and here's the thing with sausage. It stands on its own far greater than bacon. I'm kind of with Andy that a giant plate of bacon eventually- It wears out. You wear out, man. It's too salty. You do. Yeah. plate of bacon, eventually you wear out, man. It's too salty. You do. Look, the majority

of this set believes that bacon is... You can have too much, but for sausage, you just go to your full. You can keep on. Unfortunately, I don't agree. I think sausage and bacon... Well, Mr. Waffles and Eggs. Well, I wish I had bacon or sausage to mix into my eggs. That would be

great. But I got French toast and sausage so far. I like how it's shaping up. All right. I've got eggs and waffles. Jason has bacon and pancakes. And pick number three. Oh, pick number three is everything left in the world after my genie. I'm taking potatoes.

Oh, that's a good one. I mean, what? That's a good one. I want to cut these things up real fine. Call them hash browns. What do I want to cut them up in squares? Have like saute them. I can make my potatoes. Saute in squares have like saute them i can make

my potatoes saute them yeah saute them yeah i heard it oh i heard saute them saute i thought you had invented a new style of potatoes that's what they do to the potatoes down south yeah they said they saute them saute them ah that's so good that's a good pick i mean look at my plate i've got pancakes bacon and potatoes i'm mr amer plate. I've got pancakes, bacon, and potatoes. I'm Mr. America. Yeah? I've got a real issue. You guys have done good work here.

Yeah. You've done really, really good work. And now I'm sitting here, and I'm thinking, do I jump in with the first beverage of this draft? Is this the time in which beverages need to come out here? And I'm going to take a cup of coffee. Oh, that's a curveball. I could have gone a couple different directions. I'm going coffee. Look, it may be boring in the beginning of my meal,

but you're going to be awake. And Jason, you're going to be asleep after your meal. Oh, you're darn right I am. I always sleep after breakfast. And before. I wake up, I eat, I go back to bed. I think that's what Winston Churchill used to do. Yeah, me and the church.

He had a little morning nap. Now, I feel like I'm zigging and zagging at this exact same time. No doubt. Man of infinite bad food tastes. Where Jason, in my heart of hearts, believe that Jason will be very upset that I took this. But I don't know if it's actually on your list. I'm a, the French toast isn't sweet enough for me. Oh, you're going sweet, then you're going up my alley.

I'm throwing donuts right on my plate. Oh, and really just glazed donuts. But because it's the draft, I get them all and you get no donuts. Oh, man. No donuts for you. Mike, your breakfast is not complimentary. You don't want another whatsoever. It is the Christmas morning breakfast.

This is the breakfast you have when you have a sleepover with your friends as a kid. This is pure sugar. This is the tricks of breakfast. This is your best food take of all time, Mike. Thank you. French toast and donuts? You're darn right. So the man who's on the keto diet went pure

carbohydrates. He is desperately wanting them. I wasn't trying to build what I can eat and I think is healthy. No, what is a delicious breakfast? I'm going with delicious. Alright. Yeah, and mine, what did I end up with? Not donuts. Bacon, pancakes, potatoes. Do we want to stop there and have them vote?

Or do you want to go one more round? What do you guys think? I mean, I feel like we can stop now so that I just win. You know? I can go one more. All right, one more. All right, one more. Andy's gone with the coffee as his beverage.

Yeah, I know what's coming. I thought for sure he was going with the right beverage last round. Yeah, I know what's coming. I thought for sure he was going with the right beverage last round. Yeah, I know what's coming. I gotta have the glass of orange juice. Yeah, this is gonna be real good with your pancakes and syrup. Stupid. You ever tried that out? You should've had a glass of milk.

I had some toothpaste in there. Yeah, buddy. Drink my orange juice first. And then I eat the pancakes. Oh, I knew you would fall into that orange juice trap I set for you. No. Drink it up. When we tweet this out.

That's a panic pick. There is no doubt. What? That's a panic beverage pick if I've ever seen it. It's a staple. Milk was there. Milk was right there. Oh, my gosh.

After a pancake, milk is the single greatest beverage on the earth. Mike needs milk to go with his five-year-old level sausage. Sausage is fine. I want donuts and sausage and a glass of milk, please. Can I do that? I'm going to double down on the breads as well because I know I need a roof to this house, and toast is going to build that roof. So I'm going to get some sourdough toast with butter and jelly.

Did you just draft toast? Oh, you know I did. That's the most Andy thing to do of all time. It's probably wheat. He probably exclusively drafted wheat toast. Cereal is on the board. Oh, dang it. Nine grain.

So you just heard me a minute ago go, oh, oh. Cereal was there. I realized that I made a huge mistake. Yeah, I'm building my team to be strong in each area. Mike's going pure flavor. You're taking cereal then? You're darn right I'm taking cereal. What made me think of it was when I was going, oh, I want sausage and milk and French toast,

all my favorite sweet foods. I was like, oh my gosh, this kid needs some cereal. And Jason's going to be sitting there watching Mike chow down on his Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and he's sipping his OJ after his syrupy pancakes. Why didn't we stop at three? We could have. Mike ended up with French toast, sausage, donuts, and cereal. I have eggs, waffles, coffee, and toast.

Jason has bacon, pancakes, potatoes, and orange juice. Oh, man. You have nonsense. You're a diabetic nightmare. Yeah, I'm the Belgium kid from Willy Wonka. You are. You are. All right, hey, add SpitballersPod on Twitter.

Let us know who won. Let us know what we forgot because I'm sure there's a great – there's something we forgot that's delicious. Milk didn't even get drafted. It's imbued in – wait, do you have plain cereal? No, you got cereal without milk. No, I felt like each bowl – Enjoy your cup of cereal.

Each bowl is imbued – you just – you get milk in the bowl. Yeah, that's right because I put butter and jelly on my toast. It's an auxiliary part. I'm a nine grain. Everyone knows. There's cereal in the bowl. There's milk in the bowl. That means I got syrup on my pancakes.

Pulp in your orange juice. No. My orange juice is pulp free. You're a non-pulp man? Of course. Look at me. Why do you want someone to shred up a Kleenex in your orange juice? Exactly.

I don't like pulp either. It's disgusting. I was just curious if it was more. How is that an option? It's healthier. It shouldn't be, but see, by saying- Orange juice is the fakest healthy thing of all time. It is so bad for you.

By saying no pulp, it basically says the default orange juice is pulpy. When, in fact, you're saying it shouldn't be an option, there should just be orange juice, and you have to say, with Kleenex in it. Yes. I'll take an orange juice, extra Kleenex shredded. Shred some old fruits back there, some fruit peels, and put it in there, too. I really wish Sunny Delight just took over, just completely got rid of the orange farms of America.

I'm fine with fake drinks. That does not come from any fruit tree that exists. Oh, it's fresh squeezed from the sun that's right it's a sunny tea lie alright well I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Spitballers Pod make sure you subscribe

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