Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 8: Terrible Impressions and the Worst Opinions Ever - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 6, 2018

The most ridiculous "Would you rather" questions are tackled on today's Spitballers podcast. You won't want to miss Jason trying to impersonate Mike Tyson because it's a comedy goldmine of failure. We also have a mock draft again, this time the guys are drafting Action Movie stars. Of course it wouldn't be a proper Spitballers Podcast without a little bit of fart jokes mixed in. Enjoy! Be sure to check out the Spitballers Comedy Podcast website at SpitballersPod.com and follow the show on social media @SpitballersPod.  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on? Welcome into yet another smooth Monday on the Spitballers podcast. Going sultry. So smooth. So smooth, Andy, Mike, and Jason. Spitballers are back again with another fine episode of the show. We have Would You Rather on the show today, Our Favorite Things,

and a spectacular mock draft, the topic of which I shall wait to tell you. Oh! I'm not telling you until later. Surprise, surprise. Glad I let you finish that sentence because I was about to jump in. Were you? I am very excited for this draft well i'm excited to have the number one pick in this draft that's all i i am very envious that you have the number one pick in this draft unless you blow it

i could then the pressure is on uh you can follow this show the spitballers podcast over on twitter at spitballers pod the at SpitballersPod. The website, SpitballersPod.com. If you want to send in a question for the show, something for us to talk about, something for us to, you know, some sort of nonsense you want to send our direction. We need to set up a voicemail line. Yeah. Let people call in and hear the sadness in their voice.

To ask the questions? Well, when you ask life advice, usually it's not like, Hey, good news, guys. Should I spend my million dollars on a Lamborghini or a Ferrari? I really need help. That's the kind of life advice I feel comfortable giving. Sure. Also, Lambo.

You always got to go with the Lambo. Just to say you have a Lambo. Just to say you have a Lambo. Honestly, if you had them both in front of me right now and you took the emblems off, I wouldn't be able to tell you which is which. Well, you're just not rich enough yet, Mike. Yet. You know how we get there. The Lambo.

You know what the equivalent of a Lamborghini in my life is? A fresh review. Oh. On the old Apple podcast. Subscribe, review to the show. New episodes drop every Monday. And remember, this is a family-friendly daily dose of nonsense. Weekly dose.

Did I say daily? You better not be. You wish. Don't you put that on us. If you listen every day, it's daily. That's actually a good point. Memorize the show. Memorize the show. Memorize each show, each and every week.

Hey, speaking of not memorization, but you mentioned our Twitter handle, at SpitballersPod. I had a couple questions come in from the website saying, I've heard about these polls. These polls are excellent. When we do a mock draft, which is not every show, where do I go vote for the winner? Our polls are up on Twitter at SpitballersPod.

And I've got very sad news. The results of the last, the condiment draft. Has it gone final? Yeah. It hasn't gone final. By the time you record the next episode, it's gone final. That is true. I was just, look, I won.

I took it down in dominant fashion no big surprise but i was sad that mike so andy and i have both finished last place in different polls at a bottom dwelling eight percent of the vote i don't know how you possibly get that few of votes hey for a while it's called the small world ride bro bro. For a while, you were down there, but Mike is up to 11% of the vote. I got up to 11? It's disgusting. Oh! As were his four condiment selections, but we move on.

You guys ready to jump in? Yes, sir. Would you rather? All right. Let's start with this one. I have decided to go blank slate today, by the way. I love it. I have no idea what any of these questions are.

Oh, I thought you were turning into Dana Carvey. Smash hit comedy. Blank slate? It's either blank or clean slate. It might be clean slate. In which case, it's a fail of a reference. Mike's references, so spectacular. I don't even get them when he explains them.

All right, would you rather fight Mike Tyson one time? It is clean slate. Dang it, you idiot. Would you rather fight Mike Tyson one time or talk to him for the rest of your life? Talk like him. Oh, talk like him. Proof that Andy has not read these questions. If it's talk, too.

Mike Tyson, he is an interesting cat. You either have Mike Tyson's voice or you go in the ring with him once. Are we talking Mike Tyson now? We're talking. Or Mike Tyson. This is Mike Tyson. No, no, no. I got this voice for the rest of my life, man.

No, no. I'm not talking about the voice, Jason. He had that voice when he was the world heavyweight champion. But I'm saying do I have to fight Mike Tyson now or do I fight Mike Tyson when he was peak? In his prime, Mike. It's not going to make a difference. No, it really wouldn't. But we'll go Mike Tyson in your prime.

Yeah. Yeah. I agree. For the purpose of the question, it's got to be the one punch man, Mike Tyson himself. If you're playing in. You did that voice very well, by the way. Thank you. If you're playing Mike Tyson's punch out, he the one punch man, Mike Tyson himself. You did that voice very well, by the way. Thank you. If you're playing Mike Tyson's punch out, he is one punch man. I can't get in the ring with him. The downside of fighting my ears of Mike Tyson once is there's a realistic possibility that I die.

I am just fully deceased from one punch. That's worst case scenario. Best case scenario after fighting. If you come out talking like this the rest of your life, and then I have to do both. That's more high pitch than I think he's ever been. That's like Mickey Mouse's version of Mike Tyson. Yeah, look, I'm going in the ring.

Okay, because. Just getting it over with. Band-Aid. Just ripping it off. Do you want to be knocked out instantly or slowly pummeled? Oh, no. I want to go lights out right away. Never remember that it happened, but I hope there's a video.

But what if he chooses to just mess around and he go. Body shots. Body shots. Body shots. Jab, jab, jab. Oh, and he goes little jab. Oh, and the fighter goes down. I'm going down first. No, jab, jab. Oh, and he goes little jab. Oh, and the fighter goes down. I'm going down first hit no matter what.

Okay, so if you're throwing the fight, you're breaking the question. He misses my face. I'm going down. No, you have to fight Mike Tyson, and you have to fight him for three rounds. Okay, you want to know the truth. Unless you get knocked out. You want to know the truth. Unless you get knocked out. You want to know the truth. The truth is if I had to fight Mike Tyson, which obviously I do because I'm not going to speak like him for the rest of my life.

Your podcast game would be in trouble. Yeah, I think our audio quality goes down a few rungs. But if I have to fight Mike Tyson, I am going in there genuine, honest to goodness. I would go in there to see how good I could get. I want to try to beat him. I want to try to dodge, duck, jab, punch. If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a wall. I am totally with you, Jason.

And I want to get one punch in. I want to ask him from across the room, Mike, let me get the first one in. Please. He would let you. Oh, absolutely. What would he say back? Swatly. You got it, dude.

You got it, man. Just come in with the best shot. I don't have a clue. It's gone off the rails. I feel like I started okay with the high tizen, but it's just gotten worse. You are the first person in the history of impressions where the impression gets worse over time what are you talking about what are you talking about my impression's so good you got it i'm fighting mike tyson i'm taking this thing to the limit and hoping that i survive and my concussion is not too bad all right right. Would you rather have only two long yellow front teeth like a beaver or no teeth at all?

So you're a gummy bear. Good question. Good question. Or you are two long yellow front teeth. Just the picture of having two super long front beaver teeth. It's not enough that they're really long beaver teeth that are white. These are yellow. Oh, man.

But at least then you could eat things. Of course. You could do a lot more than that. You could carve a wooden house. You could be an exceptional woodworking artist. Now, beavers technically have bottom teeth, too. They use them in conjunction with their two top teeth. exceptional woodworking artist right like beavers technically have bottom teeth too that you use yes they don't just have top teeth so you're not you're like a deformed beaver but if you have no

teeth at all which i've been called before if you have no teeth at all you cannot carve wood with your teeth that is true if you have no teeth at all you gotta you gotta buy that stock in jamba juice because you are gonna be spending so much money. You're not a big fan. You're not a big fan of Jamba Juice? I'm really not. What is your smoothie place of choice? Unless they would prefer to sponsor said podcast, in which case.

No, I would go Naked Juice. I love Naked Juice. I'm more of a buy it off the shelf type of guy. I don't want to wait while you make it. This is, again, both of these situations are going to vastly impact your podcast game. Oh, good point. What if you had no teeth and you were Mike Tyson? Hey, man.

I can't even get it out. The visual of Jason trying to do that. Hey, man. Welcome to the biggest footballer's podcast. What is happening? Okay. No teeth is a major issue. Because I'm assuming you can't just pop a few dentures in there.

No, that's against the rules. Here's the rule. You can pop dentures in, but they have to be just two giant yellow front teeth. Perfect. That's the rule. That's the loophole. Oh, man. I think you have to go.

I think I'd go that way, though, because then I could pop those bad boys out at nighttime. Oh. So you're taking both. Yeah. You're taking no teeth. With the gummies the with the denture of the beaver teeth. I think we nailed it. All right. Would you rather consistently have dry eyes or a constant runny nose?

Oh, so I can tell you as a fellow who grew up with horrific allergies. What was your nickname again? No, nasal, misspelled the nasal spray. Nasal spray. But here's the technique that I've learned because I've had many, many days, many, many, many, many days where my nose is just a leaky faucet. And you know how some people,

they get the septum pierced right in the middle of your nose you know yeah you know some people that with like the ox yes ring it's a bull ring type of a piercing we go with ox mike us on the outside of the piercing world i'm not we go with oxen with an oxen ring go on not all of us have cool piercings and tattoos. Well, you should look into it, number one. Number two. Did you ever have that, what, the oxen ring? The oxen ring.

No, but that leads me to the point of my story where I didn't have an oxen ring piercing, but I would wear a tissue in my nose like it. Like it. No, you could see it. Oh, okay. I thought maybe tucked way up in there. No, no. It looks like I have a ring through up in there. No, no.

It looks like I have a ring through my septum that is actually a Kleenex. Yes. I would have to do this because otherwise my nose would just be running. Like around the house or at the club? I don't really care. You know how my style goes. Wow. I feel like that's like a bloody nose. You just roll up the...

Yes, it's similar to that. But the problem with the runny nose is you wipe and you wipe and you wipe. And eventually, your entire nose is just chapped. So if your nose is running, your entire life, your nose is running. You have the red nose too. You have the red nose and upper lip and the soreness. You have to do... But dry eyes, you're going to bed at 7 every night.

I mean, you're like... Because what happens is when you get dry eyes, you're just... You're 7 every night. I mean, you're like – because what happens is when you get dry eyes, you're just – you're dead tired all day long. It hurts, too. It wears your eyes out. When your eyes are really dry, all you want to do is close your eyelids and look at nothing. That sucks.

So you have a solution for the running – The oxen ring? It's not the most fashion-forward look. The Oregon Trail, that's where i learned about that yeah here's where i've learned about oxen to all my oxen stats yeah so as for the river mike as seen by the roundhouse kick fart heard around the world i don't i'm not i don't have shame but i still feel like i would not be willing to wear the oxen ring paper towel out. You've never experienced a multi-day runny nose.

But that's why I think I have to choose terrible, horrific dry eyes. There's no way I'm taking it. If you knew you had that for the rest of your life, runny nose, you would get some stylized tissue options going on. Oh, hankies? You'd be wearing the black hanky. Polka dots. Yeah, the skull hanky. Lightning skull dots. Yeah, the skull hanky.

Lightning skulls. You accessorize it. I feel like the germs would be out of control. Oh, your fingers are always wet. No, your fingers. That's why you wear the... But you got to do switch outs, don't you? Of course.

Of course. You got like a quick draw. One every two and a half minutes you know maybe once an hour when i was a freshman in high school that's when i got contacts for the first time and these were not well-made contacts these were a stigmatism like you've got to try contacts for the first time i spent my entire freshman year with such irritated dry eyes that everybody including the teachers i ran into thought I was high at all times. Uh-oh.

They were red. They were bloodshot. I was blinking like I was on some sort of drug. It was a disaster. The freshman girls did not like me. I didn't pick up any chicks. So. Nor would I with an auction ring.

That's where I was going to go. Would you prefer to have the runny nose? You can go runny nose and not do the ox ring. Let's flippy floppy. Would you rather marry somebody that has a runny nose forever or dry eyes forever? Oh, dry eyes. That's not even. That's no problem.

That does not affect me. The pain is not mine. Give me a little kiss, honey. Yeah, I'm not doing the whole, your nose is always a faucet. Not my wife. For those spouses that have the runny nose forever, you've got to have them do the upside-down Spider-Man kiss. Then the nose goes back up in their head.

And they choke on their drainage. Are we done talking about this topic? I guess. Do you have any other thoughts? No. Okay. We're moving on. Our favorite things.

I like that we have talked extensively about poop on this show. Yes. Drainage. I mean, just a wide variety of topics about poop. But the thing that put you two off was snot. Oh, so much worse. How is snot worse than poop? Well, because everybody poops, and I poop every day.

Everyone has snot too, Jason. But I don't have snot problems every day. You know what I mean? When my wife and I got married, we made a deal. I would handle all of the snot-related problems with the children, and she would handle all the throw-up-related problems. Now, with the snot-related problems with the kids. Here's what happened.

I handled both. But did you guys have the device to help drain the kid's nose? Yes. Where you put it on and then you suck through the tube? Yes. It's very difficult mentally to do it. Like a man. It's difficult to do.

You got to do it. You have no choice. When your kid is suffering. Now, wait, Andy, you had the one where you suck through the tube or the ball? No, that thing is, the ball is garbage. Yeah, I've had both. But, I mean, we have the one where you suck through the tube. It works so much better.

It works so well, but it's a mental hurdle. Oh, yeah, because you're sucking the snot out of another human. Yeah. There's no other way to put that. No, no. That's exactly what you're doing. There's a genetic match in that snot, though, with yours. So, it's a little bit better.

And more importantly, there's a- You're getting a piece of you back. More importantly, there is a filter that stops it from coming in. There is. That helps, too. Our favorite things. During this segment, someone from social media or the website sends us in a question. This is our favorite things from Twitter.

What are your three favorite smells? Wow. Three favorite smells. Man, only three. My list is so long. Yes. I'm more curious if there is a smell that you love. I have Three favorite smells. Man, only three. My list is so long. Yes. I'm more curious if there is a smell that you love. I have my number one. I mean, I have three smells here,

but my number one favorite smell is a pair of brand new sneakers. Really? Yes. So you like going into a shoe store where... Oh, those do smell pretty good. You love Payless. Shame on you.

Payless, that's stinky shoes. Unless they'd like to be a sponsor. Because it's the smell of the leather and everything. I'm not going into Payless for their plastic shoes, Jason. Okay, okay. Which I was a Payless kid growing up, so I'm allowed to be smirched at. There's nothing wrong with Payless for all the...

Look, every pair of my children's shoes come from Payless. You guys ever been to Paymore? Oh, that's a worse store. Not as many people go in, but they make the same amount of money. But a pair of real leather boots. I can't believe that's your first pick. Oh, my goodness. It is...

Look, the senses get running. The blood gets boiling. Yeah, I get my nose deep in there. It's fantastic. Is there a better smell, though, than freshly baked chocolate chip cookies? Ooh. Or freshly baked pastries at all? Who doesn't love going into a pastry shop?

And that smell, the smell of cooked bread. Yeah, and I'll take it one step further my favorite smell has to be the smell of cooked bread yes but also covered in sugar with icing donuts go to a donut shop the do they have a special smell oh heck yeah what how often do you go to a donut place because i go weekly and i know the smell of a good donut he. He's a nose detective. So what are you smelling when you go into a donut shop? Are you smelling the bread and the sugar? I'm smelling the bread frying and the sugar dripping. There's got to be coffee mixed in there as well.

Oh, yeah. So a donut shop. Donut shop has to be my favorite smell. Give me the best smelling donut shop. After you already turned on Jamba Juice. Yeah, sorry, Jamba. We talking Krispy Kremes. We talking Dunkin'.

No, you know, man, Krispy Kreme might be my favorite place, but I don't think that wins the smell battle. Usually the smell battle is won by the small mom and pop shops that are, you know, just in a strip mall, those type. What's a smell that most people don't like that you do like? My farts. Oh, don't say that. No, I'm just saying.

This is a true story. You don't like the smell of your farts. The first thing that popped into my head was my farts. Look, no one. Come on. You're both disgusting. Yes, it is. That's a curiosity smell.

Yes. That's not a like. But you can't stop. You have to. Oh, you guys are the worst. No, Jason knows what I'm talking about. Exactly. So do the listeners.

Be honest with yourself. You know what is happening here. Nobody wants to smell somebody else's fart. That's disgusting. That's gross. But it's yours. You go, oh, it's so bad. Hold on.

Yeah, it's so bad. It's just confirmation. I'm going in it for a third no it's terrible oh you are lying to yourself if you don't you're lying to the there is a massive difference between the curiosity sniff and liking something go at least i like the smell of gasoline oh i think a lot of people do yeah my love Yes. I think it smells wonderful. Oh, it's fantastic. Rubbing alcohol smells good.

Now, that's a weird one. That is weird. That is? Also, I don't think that's good for you. No, I'm not out there pursuing this. You know what I love the smell of? Over and over. Spray paint in a bag.

Yes. It gets better and better. Can't get enough of those markers am i right yeah uh when my wife was pregnant with our twins back in the day so she didn't get like hunger cravings but she got smell cravings and everything everything was terrible for you she loved the smell of gasoline couldn't get in enough she doesn't fill up the tank she hasn't filled up the tank since she's been pregnant. That's my job. But oh, I wasn't allowed. She needed to get out there and

sniff some gasoline. She would literally go, when we're at Costco, she'd go to the tire aisle. You know, go to the tire shop and be like... Rubber? Yeah. I mean, it was just basically bad chemicals. She was addicted to. Very interesting. Yeah. Alright, do you want to tackle this next one?

This one's from Austin from the website. What is your hottest take that people will most likely hate? So a food, a movie. Your opinion that is so contrarian. This is like Mike's wheelhouse. Yeah. I mean. Up is down.

Down is up. Black is white. Green is blue. My list was. I've got Mike's list for you. My list was so long. Oh, I have no doubt. I can sum up your list in one word.

Okay. Food. Okay. All of your food takes are the worst. Get ready, because it's a food take. Oh, God. Look, I went through this list. I felt like Santa Claus going over the list of all the children of the world looking at my bad takes.

Yeah, it's a big naughty list. I get it. And I shared this one on a recent trip we had uh the fantasy footballers we we went on the road and i shared this take with you and jason was the look on your face when i told you that if if given the option given the option for dinner if i can have a gourmet cheeseburger. Oh, my gosh. I remember this. A gourmet cheeseburger versus a high-quality, very fancy steak restaurant.

Get their filet mignon, whatever it is, whatever cut you prefer. Yeah, big money money. I will take the cheeseburger over the steak every time. That's just so ludicrous and upsetting. I love cheeseburgers. I'm not besmirching cheeseburgers. But you go get a Ruth's Chris steak that is perfect and tender. You would take a burger over that?

Over a steakhouse steak, like a $200 steak? Yes. We're not talking about a Big Mac. I'm talking about a – But you can't premium burgers to the same degree. You can. You can't. You can have a much better cut of meat, better cooked. Mike is on keto, so he doesn't have carbs and bread.

Would you still say that answer about cutting with a fork and knife a burger over that fine steak? Probably not. Okay. So it's the whole package. The full experience of the bond and everything. The most reasonable food take he has ever said in his life was probably not i probably wouldn't take a hamburger patty over the filet i would probably take the filet if i don't get the bun then i'll take the steak i can't remember if i mentioned this on the spitballers or not but i mean i i know that one of my most contrarian takes is

that i think meryl Streep is a terrible actress. It was a question that was supposed to come up, and it kept moving from show to show. I don't think it ever made it on the air. Yeah. So now you may air your grievances. Yeah. I mean, without a doubt, she's the most overrated actress of all time. That's not up for debate.

And you come at me with all her awards and all her Oscars, but that's my point. You're making my point is that she's crazy overrated. Why is she winning all these awards? Hold on, hold on. So if someone comes to you in defense of Meryl Streep and says, but look at all the Oscars, look at the Academy Awards that she has won. You say, yeah, you've made my point.

But their point was she was awarded for being a great actress. By the consensus of the world. My point is that she's so overrated that she has confused the world into believing. You want to know her trick? I've got your, I've got, I mean, the best trick for an actor or actress is to somehow become, become popular while being ugly. Oh, you're such a good actor. Oh, Steve Buscemi is such a good actor. Oh, what are you doing?

This, this is probably my, this is my, hey, we were asked what's the hottest thing people will most likely hate. But you're just attacking people. But, no, here's the thing. Who else is not? I'm not saying. Are you saying only pretty people are good actors and actresses? No. What I'm saying is that when you can succeed in Hollywood without being Hollywood hot.

That means you must be great. It means that people assume that you must be great. Thank you, Andy. Man, Jason, you could have been a great actor. Oh, man. People are going to really assume I'm a good actor. And a bad person. And a bad person. And for the record, I'm not saying Meryl Streep is like...

Steve Buscemi is a national treasure, and you go after that man? I love Steve Buscemi. I just watched Armageddon last night, and he is fantastic. I love Steve Buscemi. He is fantastic. But he is not of the caliber actor that – he's not Tom Hanks, but he doesn't look as good as Tom Hanks, so he's up there.

Wow. These are Hollywood hot takes. Yeah. Because Tom Hanks is a good-looking man. Yes, he is. For me, it's been, I'm just going to bring my hot take up that is proven wrong by billions and billions and billions of dollars, and that is I don't like superhero movies.

Yes. This is unreasonable. And I'll qualify that. I don't like superhero movies in the last 10 years pretty much because they've gotten good according to most people that's when they've gotten good Jason I found out yesterday or Batman I don't want that either but I look I like the original Batman I like live-action battles I like character driven movies by original Batman do you mean Adam West or Michael not that old Michael Keaton? No, not that old. Michael Keaton.

I like movies where they are physically hitting each other. It's not like CGI hitting each other. It's not swinging through explosions. I think that all the modern-day Marvel movies are identical. They're all the same story arc. They're all the same everything. They always win in the end. They always try to get you to laugh.

They always explode. I don't think someone's seen enough Marvel movies. Also, you're mad that superheroes win every time. I'm mad. That's the thing. That's the shtick. Do you want to eat the same thing over and over and over again and

pay a bunch of money for it? If it's a filet mignon or a superhero movie, then count me in. Now, I found out the other day, though, this is just different strokes for different folks because Jason, when we spend our company credit card and like very responsible business owners, we redeem all of the points for AMC gift cards every month. You're darn right.

So I've got hundreds of dollars of AMC gift cards just stacked up in my account. Jason never has any because they go to movies all the time. And he'll watch any kids movie that exists just to go with the kids. They bore me. So maybe this is a deeper problem. Wait, kids movies or superhero movies? Kids movies bore me too.

Oh, wow. But like, did you go to any kids movie and consider that like a time well spent, Mike? I will go to almost every kids movie. Yeah, look, I've been to some bad ones. I had to go to the movie theater to see Nine Lives with Kevin Spacey. And that movie should have been over at the first life. It was the worst movie I've ever experienced in the theater. I'm definitely not saying all kids' movies are great.

But while we were touring for the Fantasy Footballers in New York City this last little while ago, I got a text that the tickets had just been purchased. You know, like my account, the tickets had been purchased for Hotel Transylvania 3. No! And I was like, no, I wanted to see that. The Hotel Transylvanians are great. They are fantastic. They are very, very funny with Sandler and Sandberg.

I love those movies. And if the wife took the kids kids to these to that like something like that Transylvania I would be upset you would that I missed it now granted I was out of the state and not able to help as a parent so she doesn't feel that no I mean I'll take this to to another level if the kids were taken to a Pixar movie without me I mean is the family's done yeah it's a divorce. I'm leaving. You do not exclude me. We want to keep the families together.

We are a family show, but if you, I mean, so this is really, we're having a life advice segment here. If you want to keep families together, do not separate the family from Pixar. Oh, Incredibles 2? If you saw that without me?

I would say, incredible. Sign this paper. I think it's time to get into our draft. What do you guys think? That's fine by me. The Spitballers Draft. All right, Mike, why don't you let the people know what we're drafting today? So today, and for those who are new to the show.

Yeah, let them know what's going on. A mock draft. We brought this over from our other show, The Fantasy Footballers. We're all about fantasy football content. And what you do, you draft your team, which means you take turns selecting from a list of players. And in this case, we are selecting action heroes. And in this case, we are selecting action heroes.

So guys and gals that are known for being in action movies. You are assembling a cast. And you're assembling your cast, your team, et cetera. And Andy is lucky enough to have the first pick. There's so many great choices. There are. You could definitely. I don't think I'm going to screw this up.

But maybe in your opinion I will. I'm going to take this up. Okay. But maybe in your opinion, I will. I'm going to take Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah. That's the number one pick. Yep. That's the number one. Arnold is... He's the... In football terms, he's the stud running back for this roster.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, my number one pick. There are other guys that I'd love to see fall to me in the second round, but I'm going with Arnold to bait... I ain't losing with no 11% in this vote, boys. No, not if you've got Arnold. Arnold's good for 20% of the vote. Just by himself. In one bicep.

The list of movies. I think I put a T at the end of bicep. You certainly did. That was a bicep. Oh, man. All right. See, here's the problem. I've got two grade A guys.

Now, it's Mike's pick, though. I know. And I'm third. And I'm like, it's Mike's pick, though. I know. And I'm third. And I'm like, I'm already going to go until I'm going to be under 10%. I know it. Good. Good. Mike, you are on the clock.

I have the second pick. Arnold Schwarzenegger is gone. You cannot pick him. I'm sorry. The Terminator, the Predator, Total Recall. Yeah. I am struggling here because there's two guys that I want to go from. Just absolute classic action heroes.

I do believe that one will do better in the polls. Oh, placating. So now it's purity. See, you have to trust the spitwads out there. Yes. You have to trust the listener to vote with more discernment than just the overarching Arnold Schwarzeneggers of the world. And having said that and having my heart,

because he's in my favorite movie of all time, and he's still kicking butt and taking names, and that is Bruce Willis. Yeah, that was my 102. John McClane is the best action character of all time. He's realistic. He's outstanding. And yet superhuman.

Somehow I believe I could be him. That's what I mean. I can't be Arnie. I don't have those abilities. You can't go double shotguns on a motorcycle while driving it? Probably not. So, Mike, with your number one pick in the first round, I took Arnie. You took Bruce.

Jason, you're on the clock. And look, the decisions are difficult. This is tough because after those first – I mean, there's six guys that I have that I think are phenomenal, all worthy. I mean, there's like 20, but there's six that I've kind of got picked out where I like. But there's a real teardrop here. So I'm trying to think, do I go with my favorite?

Do I go with the most popular? Do I go classic? Do I go new? There are too many choices in some ways. Yeah. This is going to be a 15-round draft. We need to be able to get to sleeper level. I think I'm going to go modern.

I'm going to go. I'm going to pivot. You guys have gone classic. Yes. I know going to go modern. I'm going to pivot. You guys have gone classic. I'm taking the current day number one action star. He's got a name that's one word. I'm taking the rock. Oh, wow. I knew exactly where he was going.

He is the Arnold of today. We've had this conversation before of the action stars are not with what they were in the 80s and that's just because action movies i think are not made made in the same way that the the appetite for action movies is different now but the rock is a bona fide action star there are there are not very many of them he still gets one-liners like the 80s. I mean, it's not often in today's action movies that you get throwaway, ridiculous one-liners. And I'll throw the name out there just for the sake of debate.

One of the only other ones in the modern day is Jason Statham. Sure. He's in a lot of action movies. He is one of those six. He's not going to be my pick here, which is why I bring it up. I'm back on the clock. This is very difficult. Here's what i'm putting this on you because there is a name that should have been selected at the at the third pick and then there's the guy that i want so if you somehow pass on who should have been the third pick i'm going to fully tilt and feel like i have

to take him interesting look i i don't man. I might go a different direction than anybody thinks I'm going to go. And it's risky business. John Wayne. Oh, wait. It's not John Wayne. Oh. You know what I'm going to do? I thought the risky business was a hint.

It is a hint. Oh. I don't know the movie. I'm taking him. That's a great pick. I'm taking Jack Reacher. I'm taking Mission Impossible. I'm taking Top Gun.

I'm taking Top Cruise. Yeah, that Top Gun. I'm taking Top Cruise. Yeah, that is great. He's one of the six. Because he has shown now, and Mission Impossible is out right now. He just keeps doing it. He broke his leg doing his own stunts. Tom Cruise has got staying power. I'm jolting.

Those Jack Reacher movies were incredible. No, the guy is still on board. I know who you want, Mike, but I can't say it. But I'm going Arnie, Tom Cruise, my first two picks. Mike, you've got Bruce Willis. Who are you adding to this? You have to take Rambo. Ah, that's my next pick.

You're taking Sly? I have no choice here but to take. Are we going three or four? We're going three. Okay, so I'm taking Sylvester. Oh, we've got to go four. I'm going Sylvester Stallone here.lvester we gotta go four i'm going sylvester stallone here okay we'll go four like that's fine the fact that you could have had arnold i know i know i'm the same team that was just a tom cruise that was a preferential pick i just

don't love sly stallone oh man i get it rambo rocky unbelievable i mean and he's still doing it the expendables he's he showed up he's still doing it. The Expendables. He showed up. He's still doing it in a movie that makes fun of people still doing it. I was just going to throw out the Guardians of the Galaxy. He is in there. Yeah. All right. So you got Sly.

I could have gone Powerhouse Duo. Those are kind of the two top end. I went with Tom Cruise. Maybe that's a mistake. Man. Jason, you're on the clock. Oh, this is tough. There's a guy that i want

to have him at roster i think i can get him late but i i know at some point mike you're gonna you're gonna grab him i i know i know who he's taking don't don't you do so i don't know if i want to reach here i know who it is grab him yeah because oh man look i went modern, so I got to go some throwback here. I'm taking the splits. I'm taking the blood sport. Give me Jean-Claude Van Damme. Yeah, he's on my list of guys that I would think about drafting in the fifth round. Oh! Dang it!

Action star! I get it. Van Damme, he had his time in the sun. And blood sport is a classic. I'm doubling down here. Modern? Yeah. All right.

Look, there are a lot of great choices out there, several that I may regret not taking right here. I'm bringing Keanu Reeves. Oh, yeah. I'm taking Keanu Reeves. That's what I thought so, too. Part of me just wants Mike not to have him, taking Keanu Reeves. That's what I thought so, too. I just part of me just wants Mike not to have him. Keanu Reeves is legit. John Wick, The Matrix, The Speed Movies, which the first speed was unbelievable.

And Keanu does his stunts, too. All three of my guys take care of their own stunts. You want to talk about a stunt man? Oh, no. Are you going where I think you're going? I'm talking... Not just does some of his stunts. Oh, crap. He does insane stunts. Oh, give me a break. Insane stunts that could literally kill him. That is Jackie Chan. I cannot believe...

I'm so happy that you're picking him. ...that Jackie Chan came around to me. I was tilting, and now I'm back. In the third... Oh, wait. Because you weren't going to take Jackie Chan? No, I'm not going to take Jackie Chan. Okay. The person who says Because you weren't going to take Jackie Chan? No, I'm not going to take Jackie Chan. Okay.

The person who says, I'm not going to take Jackie Chan in that voice is someone who has not actually seen Jackie Chan movies. I have watched Jackie Chan movies. I've watched him do these amazing stunts. I like it. But I want my action stars to be more about action movies, not comedies. Rumble in the Bronx? Yeah, it's more of a Rush Hour flavor. Have you seen Rumble in the Bronx? Yeah, it's more of a Rush Hour flavor. Have you seen Rumble in the Bronx?

No, but that's not what people think of. When you say Jackie Chan, what movie comes to mind? Rush Hour. That may be the high grossing one. I'll take Eddie Murphy as my action star. Beverly Hills Cop was amazing. But here's the thing. Jackie Chan, they don't make action heroes.

They don't make people like Jackie Chan anymore, who does everything, who risks his life for stunts in a movie and is the actual face. Yeah, I mean, this is no disrespect to Jackie Chan. He is amazing. It was more disrespect to your pick. Who's your pick, Jay? All right.

Wait, wait, wait. So we're going four then? your pick, Jay? All right. Wait, wait, wait. So we're going four then? We're going four. All right. Fantastic. Well, the fact that Jason Statham dropped to me. Wait, this is Mike's third pick, though. Or Jason's third pick.

This is my third pick. Oh, he's got The Rock and Jean-Claude Van Damme. He's got a third coming up. Yeah. Oh, okay. I have Arnie, Cruz, Keanu. You have Bruce Lee, Sly Stallone, and Jackie Chan. Bruce Willis.

Bruce Willis. And I'm going to take The Rock, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Jason Statham.one, and Jackie Chan. Bruce Willis. Bruce Willis. And I'm going to take the rock jump, Claude Van Damme and Jason Statham. Yeah, that's fantastic. Look, the Megalodon is coming out. And Jason Statham, without a doubt, will punch a shark in the mouth. If there's a weakness for Jason Statham,

it's his ability, in my opinion, to pick movies that he should do. That is correct. Absolutely. He is very capable, but he's not in classics the way that that would be my one point against him. When you guys think of Jason Statham, what movie do you think of? What was that car movie?

Yeah. Oh, you're saying Death Race? I don't remember. That's a problem. Yeah. That's a big problem for Jason Statham. There's a problem. I mean, I have mine, and it's the Crank series because they're so outrageous.

It's the Fast and Furious series. What? What do you mean, what? No, Jason Statham is- He's not a stalwart enough. Is Crank or the Transport? Furious 7. No, if it's not Crank, it's the Transport.

That's the movie I was thinking about, the Transport. Yeah, that's a car movie. Yes. All right, my final pick. Oh, we're going four? I've got The Muscles with Arnie. I've got The Stunts with Cruise. I've got the impeccable gunwork of Keanu Reeves.

Yeah, that's really so good. And I'm going to finish it off with a more advanced martial artist. Oh, no. Oh, no, oh, no. Then Jackie Chan. Oh, okay. And we're going to go with Bruce. The original.

All right. Bruce Lee. Yes. The big boss. The way of the dragon will round out my four. Arnie, Cruz, Keanu, Bruce. Yes. That's a fantastic pick.

I never actually got into Bruce Lee movies, but I fully respect what the man has done. And I also respect this guy. I'm afraid of who you're going to pick, because I think you can make a pick here, Mike, and potentially win. Indiana Jones, Harrison Ford. Yeah, okay. You need to inspect the body of work no i i realized the blade runner

it wasn't a great movie but indiana jones four oh i thought you're talking about blade runner no no high five andy blade runner is amazing you get off my plane one of the greatest lines in the history of cinema that's the president uh. What's the name of that movie? Air Force One. Air Force One. Harrison Ford was an action hero among all action heroes, and the fact that I have him combined with Stallone, Willis, and Jackie Chan.

This may be our closest vote yet. Yes. Oh, it certainly will be. Man, so I'm between two guys here. Well, you can tell us who you're between. Yes, because I'm the final pick. You're the final pick trying to decide here between liam neeson he's on my short list and chuck norris oh he's not even on my list yeah i decided between bruce lee and chuck norris that when you said i'm taking the karate guy yeah but bruce lee will kick chuck

norris's butt well yeah oh man because here's the thing when i think of chuck norris doesn't lose fights the thing about chuck norris is it'sris. Chuck Norris doesn't lose fights. The thing about Chuck Norris is it's either one of these, they're very funny, but the Chuck Norris jokes, or it's the total gym. I don't even think about a character that Chuck Norris played in a movie or a TV show. I completely agree with you. It's the jokes. It's the. Chuck Norris was in a movie when I was a kid that people hunted people.

I don't know the name of the movie right people were freed into like it's like the original hunger games they were freed into this open country we talked about that on on i'm telling you it scarred me it scarred me as a kid i can't think of the name of it yeah yeah that's what that's one of the problems with chuck norris yeah but the texas ranger i get all the i but the Chuck Norris. Texas Ranger. I get all the jokes. I'm a TV action star. This guy. I get all the jokes. Are you going Chuck or are you going, what are you doing? But look, I'm not taking Chuck Norris.

I'm taking Liam Neeson. That's a much better pick. He has been taken. Wow. See, I've got my thoughts on Liam Neeson, the action star. Anytime your action star career starts post-60 years old, I'm not down to clown. No, see, I disagree.

That's all quick cuts, buddy. He ain't doing that. Have you seen Highlander? Yeah, thank you. But as an action star, when you are... Pre-gone gin. Get off my lawn. Put Liam Neeson in Taken against ford in the last star wars movie oh it's like

oh man well they're both the geriatric empire one of them looks amazing and you're afraid of them and the other one's like there's gotta be why is he walking that's fair what's the what is the age gap here because liam neeson is 66 yeah harrison Harrison Ford is, wait for it, 76. So you're comparing your guys in his 70s. Fights like 85. It looks like 76 fights like 85. All right. Final rosters.

I have Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Cruise, Keanu Reeves, Bruce Lee. Mike has Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, Jackie Chan, and Harrison Ford Jason has The Rock, Dwayne Johnson He has Jean-Claude Van Damme, Jason Statham And Liam Neeson Cast your vote on Twitter At SpitballersPod

Thank you for joining us For another episode of The Spitballers Absolutely, you're all Beautiful people Tune in next Monday For your extra dose of The Spitballers. Absolutely. You're all beautiful people. Thank you. Tune in next Monday for your extra dose. Does Mike Tyson want to say goodbye?

Yeah, Jason. I also learned that ugly people can't act. That's what I learned on the show today. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.