Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 80: Sharing Your Toothbrush With WHO?!

Episode Date: January 6, 2020

Happy New Year Spitwads! We are back at it with some great new content. On today’s episode, we discover some of the roles Jason was born to play on the big stage. We also have another fantastic edition of Liar, Liar! Will a winner emerge or will Owl stump the trio? We close out the episode drafting movie characters for our laser tag teams! Don’t miss it! Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Scooch! Booch! Ding-a-la-Dooch, B-Ding-a-y. Ding-a-la-Dooch. What was that? I'm a big fan of the Ding-a-la-Dooch over here.

I love it. I give that an 8 out of 10. I give that a 9. Ding-a-la-Dooch. I felt like... I don't know what was gonna happen man I mean like there was the scooch and the Booch I mean that's that's classic For for around here low

Hanging fruit and then M. Night Shyamalan came in at the end That's what the diggala do because I had no idea that that's What it was about to happen I had no idea Either Mike I'll be honest We don't plan these things diggala douche diggala douche sounds like something i'm not allowed to say you know

like i feel like i would my kids would be sent to their rooms we gotta start this show over we just said diggala douche and it's not you know it's like it's normal it's totally normal it's not there's nothing wrong with that but it sounds like it should be welcome into the spitballers podcast would you rather liar liar a spectacular draft today on the show liar liar is back no no no no no no no no no no no no no we're back we're back i know that the spit wads have been upset they're like why did you have to go spend time with your families oh they, they sound so. One guy. You know who you are. But here's the deal.

We're back. And for 2020, we've talked. We got together. We had like a company meeting. We brought the producers in. Brought us in. And we said, we're going to finally start doing a good show. We're going to actually do a good show.

I didn't get the memo. That's why the diddly-dooch happened. Yeah, you're not. You weren't at the meeting. We were talking about the stars of the show okay i got you and i know i know we won the best comedy podcast award for 2019 but what does that mean nothing yeah because the 2021 is gonna be so much sweeter we're at i'm excited that's next year j Jason. Yeah, you said 2021. So are we skipping a whole year? No, no, no. The 2021 is going to be great. Bad choice of words from a wordsmith. That's impossible to say.

The 2020 award, that would have been a direction you could have gone. But that one. The win? The 2021 is going to be great. Add SpitballersPod on Twitter, spitballerspod.com. It is nice to be back recording a well-rehearsed, perfectly analyzed podcast with you all. Let's hit Would You Rather. Would You Rather. Would You Rather.

All you need to do is go to the tape. If you go to YouTube.com slash Spitballers, if you want to know whether I knew what was coming out of my mouth to start this show, just go to the tape because it was a discovery of my own words. I had no idea. And body and mind. He's learning about himself right now. Yes.

This reminds me. So literally last night, we were celebrating my middle son, his birthday. The grandparents came over. We had a nice night. And my wife is playing a Would You Rather card game with the kids. I have no idea where this came from. Clearly, I have my house on lockdown. I know everything that's happening.

Yeah. So apparently, my wife, who is also very, very vigilant and careful with these things, but they're playing a Would You Rather, and it's supposed to be a kid's game. Oh, no. And I'm on the couch because i'm under the weather i've i've been dealing with with flu stuff yeah you look like and all of a sudden i thank you i look like you do every day oh get bodied so i hear all of a sudden i hear would you rather slide down a a fireman's pole covered in thumb tacks into a vat of vinegar. Okay, that sounds bad.

And then the other one was like, or like, get your nails ripped off. And I'm like, what kind of a child? What kid's game is happening in my house? It was a little extreme for you? It's like your body would, what is happening? Would you rather grab a hacksaw and go down? It was so bizarre. It's a little too morbid for you?

Yeah, I mean... We would never do anything like that. So would you rather slide down a fire pole? Now, what I'm visualizing is it's covered in thumbtacks so that you have a lot of different open wounds for the vinegar. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that would be bad. I'll tell you honest. It would be evenly

bad across your whole body. So does that make it better or worse? To me, part did hey it was inconsequential good if you're sliding down a pole and it's just covered in tacks oh i mean you're you're open oh you're open i'm not open at all i don't have one you have a protective layer he's not grabbing the pole he's falling i'm not exactly i'm not talking about my fat suit. You have to slide down it. You can't slide down. What are you, a mic?

Are you trying to skirt the rules over here? All right. Sorry. What is our would you rather? Here's our actual questions, and I have not seen these yet. Mitch from Patreon. Money aside, would you rather be cast as a new hero in the Avengers movie series or be cast as a main character in a TV show that will be successful for five years?

Five years, that's a long time. That's a long run. That's a huge success. And you know in five years there will be 37 other Avengers movies that have come out since your special edition one. I have thought about this. Thank you, Mitch, from Patreon. Of course you have. Of course you've thought about this. Well, of course I've thought about this. Thank you, Mitch, from Patreon. Of course you have.

Of course you've thought about this. Of course I've thought about this. I was a theater major. You definitely get to choose one. That's what you think. Yes, and I will. I'll choose one of these two. I apologize if this derails you,

but you're a theater major. You had thought about this. Did you have a role? Like growing up saying, this is the role if i ever got to play this that would be the pinnacle of my theatrical you mean like a a show you're like i'm hamlet i am not like a hawaiian role oh man wow everyone's in on it today thank you owl uh it's like but seriously but he was like he was about to say kaiser spider-man i mean just just anything how'd you know how did you know it was spider-man you being spider-man it was the marshmallow guy at the end of the stay puff marshmallow man

from ghostbusters yes exactly job of the heart i would just like to say. Is there an Ace Ventura live show? Thank you. Like a theater performance? You had to have thought of that. Yes, I did. I'm trying to remember. Do you remember who it was? So I don't.

I remember who it was a little bit. And maybe Al Borland will be able to remind me. Yes. Jabba the Hutt, Puma, Pizza the Hutt was also great. I uh was also i mean if i could restart this episode all right so here was my actual uh answer and i see owl because you were a theater person as well and i can't remember the show um but it was it was uh it was the Flubber. It was Flubber. The actual Flubber. I wanted to be the ball. Not the scientist.

You want to be Flubber. Andy's crying at how happy he is for making fat jokes at me. No, it was a Neil Simon show. And this character had just an incredible monologue at the end of the show. Yeah, Neil Simon's playwright. Very famous playwright. All I can think of is Paul Simon. It's the same guy. He just used different

monikers. Neil Simon died in the park. Sweet charity. Yeah, it wasn't one of any of those. So this isn't a good answer, but that was the true answer. Wow, I was trying to set you up for an insightful Jason Moore behind the scenes.

Look, the truth is I wanted to be Jim Carrey. I wanted to grow up and be my Ace Ventura. I didn't want to do some reprisal of his role. Did you think you were going to be a Saturday Night Live guy? I thought he was. There was a genuine time in my life I thought I was going to be on Saturday Night Live. I remember going home after I had finished my last class the groundlings and had some uh very well respected people very connected at snl that were saying i i killed it i remember thinking man i'm gonna be there and then i never

went back i 100 are you disappointed do you think about that yeah no genuinely there's there's been a couple times my wife can attest there's been a couple times in my life one recently that um last night that uh yeah i i i wondered i wondered a lot and yes does it how borland just came through it was rumors i could see you wanting to be in that show it's a great show yes that okay rumors i don't know i think this will hurt not help but i remember i mean i've known jason since I was in high school and seen him in every play during high school. And obviously, you ended up with a very successful tech career. And obviously, we've moved on to the podcast.

But I remember getting in the car. I got picked up by my dad. This is how young I was. I couldn't drive yet. Got picked up after hanging out with you one time and told him, without a doubt, I know that he will be on SNL. Oh, thanks. Thanks.

Does that help or hurt? No, that's nice. That's kind. I would just say this. A police officer in rumors? There is a police officer in rumors. My sister was the police officer in high school. That is not the role I was-

Does that make you feel better? No, not at all. That's a stupid role. All right, so- Sister had a stupid role. Oh, no. No, I'm not saying she's stupid. It's just a role.

I'm telling her. I'm taking the TV show. Okay. Five years of a great TV show. That's a crazy run. The loyalty for that show. You will. Now, some people may not want to be, you know, I don't know if you end up being typecast

or just known as one character forever, right? Like Jack from Lost is Jack from Lost forever. But I think that's cool. Like, I think it would be awesome to be known as the one character from the one show that everybody loved for five years. When you see people on the street, you know, it's not overly intimidating as some superstar movie star, but you're just like a cool celebrity. That's the one I'd go.

That's what I was going to point out here is the movie star is far more famous than the TV star. Even though the TV star is with someone for five years, when you are a movie star, far more people, they don't get to experience you for years the same way. They're not as attached if they

know you, but far more people know you. That being said... Is it changed though with the fact that the premiere shows have come out, the Stranger Things or the game of thrones those shows have characters that are like permeating more than you know being on nypd blue so to speak doesn't make it like the amelia clarks or like all the kids from the level of the show things the level of the show matters. Here's what matters to me. Can I now rest completely on my laurels for the rest of your... Never do another piece of work and just go to conventions. Ooh.

And people... If you do Avengers, then it's a yes. People wait in line to give me $250 a pop for my signature. And you're just known as Hawkeye. Yeah. Can I do that? Yeah. If I can do do that then that's

that's that's my choice you'd have to be a because i said cast as a new hero you'd have to be great and known as that hero for that to happen but yeah that's possible because i mean cult there are cult classic movies that last forever but i'm fine but a five-year run i mean you nypd boo that's that's a great example. A five-year run on that show or a five-year run on Game of Thrones, that's a very different person. Hold on. Let me ask you a couple questions here. Kramer versus, yeah.

It didn't work so well in the end for Kramer. Well, that was really on him. But anyway. Did either one of you watch Chicago Fire? I've watched Chicago nothing. Yeah, because it's terrible. Get out of my life. And they're still on, by the way. Chicago Medical. They've watched Chicago Nothing. Yeah, because it's terrible. Yeah, get out of my life. And they're still on, by the way.

Chicago Medical. They combine them all. They're all combo episodes. Of course. How about The Big Story? What? Okay. How about Wagon Train?

Are these five-year shows? Is that what you're looking up? Five-year runs? Because these are not necessarily five-year runs. There are a billion shows that have been on for five years that we know. Is that what you're looking up? Five-year runs? Because these are not necessarily five-year runs. There are a billion shows that have been on for five years that we know. Is that recent? Some of them are. There's a wagon show?

Okay. How about according to Jim? Is it more fun to be on a show for five years and be a part of that cast and crew than it is to be? You got to imagine that's a camaraderie, right? Here's the thing. Like, according to Jim, that's Belushi. Yeah.

Right? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I remember that. Yeah, I do. I've never watched an episode of my life. But if you hit five years on a sitcom, that's syndication, baby. That's cash money.

That's syndication money. Yeah. So I'm going to choose the TV show here. Because even though you're not going to get the same level of fame, as an actor, I feel like you get... This is so pretentious. It does say it will be successful for five years. This is so pretentious. But I feel I've always thought this.

When I watch a show that I really love that has five seasons, I think to get into a role for... I mean, what is it? Ten episodes minimum a season? Let's say it's a drama, so it's an hour. Yeah. You're talking about 50 hours of playing a character. Get me in that Downton Abbey. Exactly, versus a two-hour role where it's like,

you know, I love movies, I love the Oscars, I watch these great actors, but when you are doing a role on a television show that's week in and week out for five plus years, I got to take that. That's just a, it's an experience that I think I want. I got to take the movie. You're going to take the big.

I'm just a movie guy. Is it part of it because of the hero? You get to play a hero? I mean, that's a huge part of it. But I'm just, I'm a movie guy. Like literally last night, my wife was like, we need another show because we've been in a show hole for quite some time. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. But the problem is I'm a movie guy. I want to fire up a movie. It doesn't matter if I've seen it a thousand times. And then I'm scrolling through all the new shows. I'm just like, meh, it's a show. Really? I'm a movie guy.

You know what's funny is, you know Maggie Smith? Yeah. No. So Maggie Smith, she plays Professor McGonagall on Harry Potter. She's been a- Sure. Just say the oldest lady you can ever remember over the last decade who has always been old. That's her.

You know her. And she's got a stage- She wears the witch hat? That's right. Yeah. She turned into the cat in the movie. But anyway, she has a major role in Downton Abbey, right? She's got a stage career.

She's one of the most famous British stage... One of the most British people. One of the most famous British people. I said famous British. You heard me. Not the most British. She was like one of the most famous, one of the most

British, one of the most women in the world. One of the most women, yeah. She's got like a 40, 50 year career on stage as one of the most women, yeah. She's got like a 40, 50 year career on stage as one of the most well-regarded stage actresses ever. She's Professor McGonagall. No, she's not. She's Violet.

She's from Downton Abbey. She said she was never recognized until that show, and that show has defined her entire career. That was before Harry Potter? Some McGonagall, yes. Here's the truth.

What you just said is nonsense. Because that quote had to have come out before Harry Potter. Because when I think of her, yes, I love Downton Abbey. She is unbelievable as Violet. She's so great. But she's Professor McGonagall. You yourself, when you were trying to describe to Mike who she was. Well, I figured Mike would know McGonagall.

Exactly. That's a good point. That's a good point. All right. We've exhausted that. I'm taking the movie. I'm exhausted. We're moving on.

I'm going to the movie. Renee from Twitter. Hey, there's a Downton Abbey movie. So she's a star there, too. All right. Would you rather have the ability to solve any mathematical equation in your head instantly? No, no, no. I said solve, Jason. Oh!

Confused. I thought read. If I had the ability to read, would you rather have the ability to read language? What's funny is I do not have the ability to read mathematical equations. Okay, that's fair. Like legit full mathematical equations that are like at at mit i couldn't read i couldn't tell you yet you love pie so i don't understand

all right would you rather have the ability to solve any mathematical equation in your head instantly or communicate in any existing language with perfect fluency that's easy oh what advantage is solving any mathematical equation in my head going to get me? Oh, my gosh. Every day. Every day it's going to solve things. It's not going to get me nearly as much as knowing. You will be able to tip perfectly?

Ooh. Wow. Cool. You're not into that? As opposed to speaking any language fluently, it's not even close. Travel around the globe speaking to every single person or being able to calculate the interest rate on my mortgage without a calculator. They make a thing called a calculator on purpose.

Can you speak to whales? It's a language. No. It's not a language. Human languages. It says any existing language. Okay. Mike, let go.

No. This is... So you and I are... Everyone here is shocked at how obvious... No, he's shaking his head no. How obvious the answer to this question is, but we're on different sides. Let me tell you the amount of times in my life

that I have found myself in need of speaking another language. It's never. It's not happened. Because you can of speaking another language it's never it's not happened because you can't speak another language you would travel with frivolity if you could speak another language i promise you the reason i have not gone overseas has nothing to do with like well i was gonna go to germany yesterday but i don't speak german like no the reason i haven't traveled is because it's on the other side of the world far away i very far away. But math, like, I'm not trying to solve the craziest math equations of all time. But if I can, that means I can solve all of the little things.

That means when here's where it comes into my children right now. They're in fifth grade. They're bringing math homework to me. Oh, goodness. Oh, my goodness. And it's the new core math. No, no. Mine's still

traditional but wait what yeah we you have real math yeah we've got real math from a charter school my kids have the stupid core math dude i don't know how to do that crap but i don't either but do you know how you could know that oh solving every equation in the world i mean i would be a tutor for my children i could make them feel so dumb because i would be like look how smart i am i mean i'm just saying if no the language is in infinitely but okay here's the thing for jason's point like i i think it's the language but if you can solve any mathematical equation any mathematic equation you could solve solve the mysteries of the universe. Yes, if you unravel it to that degree, you're certainly right, and I can respect that.

How does an atom bomb work? Jason's answer. I know. Yeah, but again, what does that matter? How come you know that? But Jason's answer is so dumb. How many pizzas do I need to order? He wants to do algebra.

We're going to have 12 people here. That is the word. That's true. The pizza conundrum is real. I like that he wants to do algebra. We're going to have 12 people here. That is the word. That's true. The pizza conundrum is real. I like that he wants to teach us. Boom. This is how many pizzas I need. I like the circular logic of, I want to know how to solve a math

equation so I can teach my kids how to solve a math equation so they can grow up not needing to solve any math equations. The only reason you want to know it is to teach somebody else so that they can teach their kids. Nobody's using it. Well, but do they need an A to get into a good college? Boom. I just got my children a better job.

Yeah, I got mine. I'm taking the math. Now, let me ask you. I'm being the smartest person ever. Thank you, Mike. Let me ask you this, Andy, Mr. Language Man. When is the last time you have found yourself in need of speaking another language? Genuinely. The last time I traveled found yourself in need of speaking another language? Genuinely.

The last time I traveled overseas. When was that? 2005. For the record, it is 2020. You want to know what makes it intimidating to travel overseas or to any foreign country? Cost. The language barrier, not the cost. I would do it in a heartbeat.

So you're saying that you would have gone back if only you could have spoken Hebrew. You would have gone back, but that was what was stopping you? No, I'm saying, no, it isn't. Money. It isn't. Money. But you're looking at it the wrong direction. Mike is making the right point of saying, if you could solve any equation, then you

could then unravel. If I could speak any language, then I could go travel. And Jason's like, I want to do Algebra 3-4. Yeah. I want to be able to get that pizza order right i know just how much it's gonna cost me no i'm totally taking the math i'll use it every single day and all the little things all right um these are very uh animated today randall from patreon would you rather share a toothbrush with your spouse or with your child get out what randall let me tell you right now randall does not have kids

randall does not have children i walk into my child's bathroom oh gosh and it is like biohazard it's i mean it's literally a murder scene from ghost busters ghosts have died in there and all their ectoplasm is everywhere that place is a massacre and you want to know where the toothbrushes are they're on the floor they're on the floor in the toilet probably the where you. They go missing every... There's no chance I would share with my kid. Now, does the sharing... Just the overall idea. You could have played Slimer, too, on a play.

You're darn right I could. Yeah, probably. Because this one's easy. It's the spouse. But the idea. The actual idea of sharing a toothbrush doesn't gross you out. It doesn't bother me. I will be honest with you and with America and with the world. Okay.

Please do. Once upon a time, that was as gross as it got. The idea of sharing a toothbrush with my spouse, who I love i you know kiss and saliva is exchanged yes is disgusting is beyond reproach is just saliva fine but plaque no exactly thank you mike but then we bought really really gingivitis we bought really really expensive toothbrushes early on in our marriage and we've never changed them and we 15 years and we lost one carbon fiber i'm just saying like a long time ago when you lost one when it wasn't common for the the sonic care hundred dollar toothbrush we had it a long time ago and we lost one on a trip oh okay so we had

one and you wouldn't settle for like an over-the-counter toothbrush oh gosh get out of here wait do you really use like nice expensive toothbrushes like the big sonic hairs yes and so we shared it and at first it was beyond foul and then i got i got you that was a week that was one week and i was like oh this is fine and so i i have shared a toothbrush with my wife and and i'm proud to say we have our own toothbrushes now. For many years, we were able to overcome and purchase another Sonica. We were able to overcome our loss and find another toothbrush. Oh, my gosh.

But yeah, no, I have. Would you share a toothbrush with your wife? Over my child, yes. But would you be grossed out sharing a toothbrush with your wife? Absolutely. Yes. Really? Yeah.

Are you not grossed out, Mike? No, not in the slightest. Okay. It's fine. Yeah, it's gross. That's the big sticking point for me is that it's gross. Here's where it's not gross. Because you're prying food off your teeth.

Yeah. I know that you rinse the brush yeah now i would do it here's what i would do i just dip it in the mouth i'd have like a thing of listerine just like perfect like plutonium colored listerine and then i'd put that in there and all the bristles melt away as someone who is experienced in the matter let me tell you of the toothbrush of the sharing a toothbrush let me tell you when it's okay and when it's not when it's okay when i go first when it's not when i go second is it like a warm toilet seat it is not okay like if if i go first it's cool if it's

hours later it's cool if she just got there first and she used the toothbrush. Hands are right to you. And I'm using this already wet toothbrush. Really? Oh, dude, no. I'm out. Gross. I'm not brushing that day. Gross.

It is gross. I can attest. So here's a window into my life. All right. I was getting this doc ready last night, and I read this question to my wife. And without hesitation, she goes, oh, I'd share it with our son. You're disgusting. I need to question to my wife. And without hesitation, she goes, oh, I'd share it with our son. You're disgusting. Yeah, I need to examine my oral hygiene or something.

She would share with your child. Our four-year-old son, yes. But without hesitation. The man that she smooches. That's what I said. Oh, my goodness. Regrettably. Your mouth must be disgusting.

Or you're just the way that you handle a toothbrush. Or my child has an impeccably clean mouth. One of those two. And I'm going to guess, if I had to guess, that one of you has a really clean mouth or one of you has a really dirty mouth. Basically, both have. Then it's dirty mouths.

Yes. All right. We're moving on. Liar, liar. Pants on fire fire my favorite segment why don't you explain why jason well it's my favorite because al borland comes up with lies that all seem outlandish and impossible and the three of us guess which one is not a lie but but is indeed a real thing in life. No, no. No, no.

Two are true. Two are true. One's a lie. Close, but the exact inverse. I gave you a chance to explain. Well, so what I'm saying is the exact opposite of what I said. Yeah. You were a bit of a liar liar.

One of the... Well, was I? It's up to you to decide. You try to figure out what the segment is. So one of these things is a lie. One is a lie. Two are true. That is how the segment works.

I've never known. Al, go ahead and deliver them. We'll discuss and obviously get them right. All right. Round one. The first fact is all screws used to construct the original pews in the Sistine Chapel were made with one leg of the typical Philip's head extended to resemble a crucifix. Special care was taken to ensure that none of them were installed upside down.

True. That's true. Because you don't want the upside down crucifix. I got it. So next is Scotland's national animal is the unicorn. False. And lastly, between six and nine nuclear weapons have been lost or misplaced by the United States military and have never been recovered.

All right, let me just say this. If the false item here is that Scotland's national animal is a unicorn, then that means that Al Borland is the laziest man alive. Because two of these are unbelievably specific. I will tell you, I guess I'm tipping my head, I am 90-plus percent confident that Scotland's national animal is the unicorn. Really? You know when the trivia thing in the back of your head is just rattling off? But I'm 90% convinced that Al Borland is very lazy.

So it's like one of those two things has to be wrong. I mean, you're right. The low-hanging fruit is to say that the Scotland one is wrong. I hope that the nuclear one isn't wrong just because there's like 9 to 12. I'm locking that one in. It's because it's too low. It's more than that. It's too low.

See, that's what I wondered, too. It's too low. We've definitely lost way more nukes than that. We're not talking about it. Seriously? Who knows? Have you seen Broken Arrow? The unicorns have them.

I'm going to just stick with the obvious. I'm going to go obvious here and say that the national anacorn is a unicom. The national animal is the unicorn is false that's my final answer jason i i'm gonna i'm gonna trust mike here and say that that is correct maybe i'm just trying to win the game sure well played between six and nine nuclear weapons have been lost or misplaced by the united seven and ten that's what i was going to be mad about, though. If it's just like... One number?

The numbers are one off. But, Jason, you got to pick, man. I think Mike has to pick. I did. Mike already did. You're the last one we've been waiting for. I said the numbers are wrong. They're too low.

Okay. All right. Well, man, that first one about the... Also nice. The first one about the Sistine Chapel is so dumb. It's so stupid. Oh, it's so stupid, though. But back then, for sure, they were freaking out about upside down crucifixes.

Look, I'm going to be super impressed by Al Borland if this is the lie. I'm sticking with you, Mike. I think between six and nine nuclear weapons have been lost. But I'm saying we're not losing our nukes. You take the under or thees. You take the under or the over, I take the under. Alright, Al. Alright, you're all wrong. What? You came up

with that? What a liar! You are a liar and a scoundrel. Wow. Wow. So we've lived. It was too intense. Now we know. Look, we're building our database of what Al is capable of. Last time we did this segment, we figured out it's Hitler-related lies.

Yes, he loves himself some Hitler. And now he loves lying about the crucifix and Sistine Chapel. All right. So, by the way, am I supposed to read these? I forgot how I did that. Do I normally read them? Yeah, you did throw me off a bit. Okay, sorry about that.

All right, round two. Boanthropy. I love that as soon as he has to read it. Boanthropy Alright, round two. Boanthropy. I love that as soon as he has to read it. Boanthropy. The first word is Boanthropy. Is a psychological disorder in which the afflicted person believes they are a cow. So bovine, Boanthropy.

It makes sense. Checks out. Lie or truth number two. Lollipops were originally invented as a way to get picky children to take their medicine without realizing it by infusing the candy with pharmaceuticals. Checks out. Been there. Yeah.

Spoonful of sugar. The last one, the oldest yo mama joke was discovered on a 3,500-year-old Babylonian tablet. No, come on. That's so stupid. It can't be that one. There's no way Jeremy would make that up, or owl, whichever we're calling you today. Now, here's the thing that's so stupid about that.

He's twisting us into knots, guys. Here's the thing about that. The oldest yo mama joke discovered 3,500 years ago. If that's true, which I'm going to go ahead and say it is because there's no way he would write that. If that's true, it wasn't a yo mama joke. I remember when yo was added to the Webster's Dictionary in like the 90s. It was a joke about your mother. That was like 30 years ago in the Snaps books.

Oh, gosh. How do I decide? If yo mama jokes are 3,500 years old, I'm really proud of us as a people. Fool me once, fool me twice. I'm taking the oldest yo mama joke. 3500 years old I'm really proud of us as a people fool me once fool me twice I'm taking the oldest yo mama joke that's the lie I'm with you I'm not in on this final answer I'm with you okay

I'm gonna take the Boanthropy because that was my backup Bovine checks out which means he's like oh don't think it's Bovine this totally makes sense that's his exact voice wait wait hold on I gotta break down this word Boanthropy He's like, oh, this is, I don't think it's bovine. This totally makes sense. That's his exact voice. Wait, wait, hold on. But hold, I got to break down this word.

Boanthropy. That's a, no, because anthropy is, that's like the study of. Yeah. Right? No, you've already made your, you've cast your vote. Actually, that's, dang, you're probably right. Yeah, I'm right. Boanthropy is a lie and you're a liar, Al.

All right. Al. You're all wrong. Oh my gosh. Lollipops was the lie. No. Oh my gosh. While they have been used in modern times to be infused with medications, they were not invented and that wasn't done back in the day.

Boanthropy is the study, I'm sorry, the psychological disorder in which a person believes they're a cow. And there was a 3,500-year-old Babylonian tablet that was found with a Yo Mama joke. With a Yo Mama joke on it? All right. Yes. Yeah, you better snopes yourself, because you are believing some lies. Al Borland, you are- Feel free to fact check me. You're doing my taxes this year, because you're going to get them.

They're going to have no clue what's true and what's a lie. What's it called when you're afraid of spiders? That's- Arachnophobia. Arachnophobia. Yeah, what's true and what's a lie. What's it called when you're afraid of spiders? That's arachnophobia. Yeah, that's what I thought a psychological order would have ended in. Anthrophobia. Well, no, because they're not afraid. No, they believe they're a cow. Good point. All right. Round three.

That would be like bo-phobia. What happens here? What happens if all three of us are wrong? We have to choose different options here, guys. Al wins. Al would win. All right, round three. A coin flip is not truly 50-50. Because of the extra mass on the head side of the coin pulling it downward,

there is almost a 53% chance the coin will land tails side up. Tails never fails. side up. Tales never fails. Number two, a duel between three people is actually called a truel. Oh, man. That's so stupid. And number three,

Bluetooth technology was named after a 10th century king, King Harold Bluetooth? No. We are going to look so dumb right now. All three are lies because this is so stupid. What? A duel between three people is called a truel?

I mean, what else would you call it? That kind of makes sense. What else would you call it? I mean, I feel like- How do you duel with three people? That's called a fight. That's called a Mexican standoff, isn't it? Yes.

Where you've got a bunch of different parties aiming guns? Where everyone's just aimed at each other. There's not a King Harold Bluetooth, is there? Roaming the countryside? Please tell me that this one is true, because if there's a King Harold Bluetooth... That's my final answer. The Bluetooth one's a lie.

Oh, man. I'm going Bluetooth liar. I'm in on the coin flip one. I can buy that one. It's real. Oh, okay. good, because that's what I was going to say. No matter what you say, that's my lie. I believe that a coin flip might not be truly 50-50, like as you continue to go, the odds of it coming up the same. But I don't buy the rationale that 53% of the time it'll land tail sides up

because it's heavier. That's malarkey. It seems a bit hard. Mike, we cannot let him win. You have to go with the other one okay did you guys know that a duel between three people it's called a true it's called a trial he's trying I mean he's testing it out on us to see if it's if it sounds I hope that's the lie I hope that's the lie that Jeremy says that this is that this is his answer he goes they're all lies no I hope he says well that is the lie. Jeremy says that this is his answer. He goes. They're all lies. No, I hope he says, well, that is the lie because there's no such thing as a duel with three people.

Ooh, that could be it. All right. We've all locked in a different answer. You can't win, stupid. All right, go on. All right. The winner of today's Liar Liar is Jason. Yeah, I knew it.

I knew it. Tell me why. While some do believe that the extra mass of the head side of the coin might cause some some slight advantage it's nowhere near uh three percent and there's much more uh variation in how the coin is flipped and things like that i believe that i am the smartest man there's got to be machines out there that have like taken a coin and flipped it one million times right it's definitely not 50-50. But I guess 53% is too high. Here's the thing.

If it is actually 50-50 and you flip it a million times, that doesn't mean that 500,000 times it comes up heads. But pretty much. When you flip it that many times, it means pretty much. Close, yeah. Pretty close. Whatever. Let's get to the draft.

Yeah, I bet you wish you had that math skill now. I could tell you something else. You could win this argument. The Spitballers Draft. All right, today we are drafting movie character laser tag teams. All right, so you are not choosing actors. You are choosing actual characters from the movies. All right, so you are not choosing actors.

You are choosing actual characters from the movies. You are trying to comprise a, I'm assuming, four-character laser tag team, and you're going to battle. And there are many things to consider, none of which I will say aloud because I don't want to advantage my two enemies here. I don't want to clue people in on what's important in a laser tag fight because obviously I know. What is laser tag? what is laser tag yeah i'm just i'm just illustrating how stupid you sound right now okay

we know what's important in a laser tag match well we'll find out won't we won't we all right i'm going to kick this thing off i've got the number one pick there's a one-on-one there's a clear one-on-one i'm taking neo okay one-on-one. I'm taking Neo. Okay. Interesting. I'm taking Neo. Bye. Neo will never be hit, ever. That's a good point. And he's also the one, and he also has gun skills, and he's also Keanu Reeves.

He's on my list. So I'm taking Neo. 100%. He's on my list. From the Matrix. But I just want to let you know that bullets travel a heck of a lot slower than light yeah so while he tries to dodge my laser beam he'll be like oh that's real fast i got i'm out what i i'm used to dodging bullets but not the fastest thing you'll find out in human history all right mike you're up all

right well let's see if we have the same clear 101 jason. Yeah, we do. Because my superhero, his entire existence in life is that he literally can't miss. So I will take Hawkeye. Interesting. We don't have the same 101. We don't have the same one. Yeah, Hawkeye. Hawkeye was like a very late climb onto my long list.

Yeah, Hawkeye, he can't miss. Really? Yeah. He can't miss. But to Yeah. He can't miss. But to use your argument, that is with arrows not light. 100%. You don't know anything about Hawkeye. It's with anything that he throws or shoot.

It's a projectile. He's also human. Read up about Hawkeye, bro. Is he the one? No. Is Hawkeye the one? No. I guess Neo was the one.

Do you get to go into the computer? You didn't realize what I was setting. I guess Neo was the one. Do you get to go into the computer? All right, Jason, you get two picks. You didn't realize that I was setting up there? That was so lame. All right. All right, so Neo and Hawkeye. I can't believe that I'm sitting here with the one-on-one available. I mean, there's three guys I want here, so I'm going to take all three because I would

like three picks. Is that allowed? Liar. No, you get two. All right. three because okay i would like three picks is is that allowed uh liar no no two all right well look i'm gonna take my one-on-one who is beyond skilled in weaponry john wick yeah neo is okay yeah sure you know john wick is awesome but john wick misses yeah and he's also definitely not the one john wick is good you know... John Wick is definitely behind Neo. Thank you. Okay. How about

this one? And that's coming from the biggest John Wick fan I've ever known. Yeah. Like, John Wick is like, he gets shot, he gets beat up. I mean, he's better than everybody, but that's in like a human situation. You have a computer simulation. I have

a superhero. You got just like a really good dude. Okay, so you're... Okay. But no, still good pick. Great 101 pick. Thank you. It was. It's amazing how it got to 103, huh?

Okay. Your guy can't miss. Literally cannot miss. Literally cannot miss. It doesn't matter. It does not matter that he can't miss. Okay. Because he can't get his shot off you want to know why because quicksilver just came and tagged him boom bam

skit scat you can't get me you can't see me the the fight's over before it starts i got quicksilver you're all out all right i'm out that's all is Quicksilver. I don't even remember who Quicksilver is. Quicksilver is a very inferior version of the Flash. Sure. Okay. So I'll take the Flash who is the fastest person. So you're going countering him. You're countering him.

Yeah. So you're taking my pick. I will take your pick, but the better version of your pick. That's not a better. Okay. I want it known. The Flash is the fastest person ever created you think that uh dc the flash greater than marvel i heard no loud and clear he got the dc version what is happening of my speedster idiot oh my gosh. The Flash is faster than Quicksilver. No, he's not. I've never seen a race.

Have you seen a race? Yes. I set it up. Okay, I'm going with the genie from Aladdin. Oh, my goodness. What is happening? He can't do things for himself. He can do whatever he wants, man.

I'm going to draft Aladdin, and I'm going to take those wishes. He's a free genie. We know the end of Aladdin. That's true. to take those wishes. He's a free genie. We know the end of Aladdin. That's true. You can take Aladdin. That's a wasted pick. Yeah, you're taking a dude, but that would be just like John Wick. Why not take Raja?

So I'm going. You guys are going very good. That's so stupid. I'm taking the genie for obvious reasons. See, it works out because he doesn't have to kill anybody. It's laser tech. Yeah, it's laser tech tag so he can't betray anything and then my next choice i think my i think one of these guys can get to the very end for me so i'm

gonna skip them and i'm actually gonna go i'm gonna go with darth vader i'm gonna go with you got the force okay so these lasers you talk about the power of light. He can detour light. Wow. Yeah. I'm going Darth Vader. Wow. Now see. If you want Star Wars,

go like Han Solo because he actually shoots lasers. Oh, does he have the force? He shoots lasers. Yeah, but it's not all. It's a laser tag. I can literally take the laser you shot at me and send it right back at you.

That's what I got with Darth Vader. Man. You're right about it. You know I'm right. The problem here is... He would stop it. Before, literally before The Force Awakens was released,

I would say no. That's impossible. But, but Kylo Ren, in fact... Yeah, you just saw it. Kylo Ren stops. This is where he drafts Kylo Ren, because he's like, you just saw it. Kylo Ren stops. This is where he drafts Kylo Ren because he's like, I'm going to take your guy, but the better version. No, wait.

Kylo Ren can do it. Josh Groban is not the better version of Darth Vader. Darth Vader is a way better version than Kylo Ren. Look, you guys. Neo, the genie, and Darth Vader. I'm feeling great. And don't worry. I got something on my sleeve for a gunner to finish this off.

Man. All right. Was that a genie pun? Power up your sleeve. I liked it if it was. A little more baklava. Life's going to be more fun on my team too. This got dumb.

They're movie characters. All right. My list is too large This is the problem here Oh I know mine is huge Okay I am going to take I'm going to take

Take my time Yes I will Thank you very much Jason Do you have your pick ready I have like six picks ready. Great. I'm going to take Rambo. What an idiot.

Rambo? Rambo's a beast. You're like, oh, Neil gets or John Wick gets hit. Yeah, but he's taking Rambo in his third round pick. You took Wick 101. Obviously, Rambo versus John Wick. I'm not sure who wins Third round value

Come on Rambo is covered with Fully automatic light guns John Wick's got his little pew pew Rambo's going Who killed my dog He's not Arnold That was a Schwarzenegger

Okay hold on. Pause. Time out. We're stepping away. Zach Morris? We're stepping away from this draft, and I'm going to ask Mike a genuine question. All right. No laser tag.

Maybe I'll see that maybe Rambo is better in a laser tag. Okay. Rambo needs to kill John Wick. John Wick needs to kill Rambo. It's a movie. Are we in a jungle? Yeah, where are we? We are in a high rise.

Because there's a difference. Big difference. Okay, we're in the sand dunes of Sandunville. I don't know. Egypt. Okay, we're in the middle of Egypt. Who wins in that fight? To the death?

To the death. Wick versus Rambo. John wick of course he does darn right okay but don't explain it don't explain it i'm up uh we're back two rounds ago all right just jason as you as you make your picks here uh neo genie darth vader my team mike has hawkeye the flash and rambo Rambo. Jason has John Wick, Quicksilver, and who's your next pick? You've got two final picks. I've got six picks. I'm Jason. Okay. Well, let's do this.

I'm going to come after Mike. Go for it. I can tell you are. Mike's like, DC's bigger. My guy's faster. I draft a guy that never misses. I'll take Superman. I'm going to take.

Well, the thing about this, about laser tag here is that... William Forrester. He's still out of the game even though he's alive. No, I'm going to take Deadshot. I'm going to take the guy who can't miss from DC. Literally can't miss.

All right. Except he uses guns all the time, not little bow and arrows and I'm throwing a little dart. Wow, you've got him triggered. All right, so Wick, Quicksilver, Deadshot. It's a great pick. You are.

It's a great pick as long as super nerds are listening to our podcast. And that's coming from Mike. Because otherwise they have no idea who Deadshot is. I know who he is. I don't know who he is. Exactly. Will Smith. You have the whole gamut.

I didn't know Will Smith played Deadshot You've got the whole gamut Suicide Squad No one saw that movie Can you believe this We are locked into You guys are locked into these Superhero movies

There's a whole gamut of genies out there to be grabbed I wanted I wanted like Doc Holliday That'd be awesome Like I wanted, like, I'm just going to throw out, I wanted, like, Doc Holliday. That'd be awesome. Like, I'm your Huckleberry. But now all of a sudden we've taken it to the next level. I'm grabbing Professor X, okay? You guys can't shoot.

I'm controlling your genie. I'm taking him, and I win this laser contest. As soon as you took genie, I knew it was on. Let me just remind you, most laser tag battles take place in multi-leveled uh facilities that a wheelchair would not be accessible i will have the genie wheeling me around because i'm controlling you can't control the genie oh sure i can i don't know all right so you took does Professor X. Does he have a metal helmet that's impenetrable? I'm taking Magneto because he's got Magneto.

You guys just keep taking each other's. All right. All right. Hawkeye, the Flash Rambo, and one more, Mike. This is devolting to just who's the most powerful wizard. Who can we all take? I hope we have I hope we have like other like here's on the next

episode like the best baking team is like I take Professor X he's gonna convince you that the cake is delicious no matter what we do from here on out it's all just magic so that's why you didn't like the genie pick yes

I wanted to go Doc Holiday route and Rambo but alright look I didn't like the genie pick. Yes. I wanted to go Doc Holliday route in Rambo. All right. Here we are. Look, I didn't get the genie in that last draft, and I wanted him. All right, Mike, you get one more. And I hope you don't take my final pick because I'm pretty excited. Well, when you've got genies over there. I'm putting a motor on my wheelchair.

This is going to go real fast. All right. See, the problem is I only see Professor X from the cartoon where he has, he's got the hover chair. Yeah, well. So I think he'd be fine. I mean, I don't know how good he is with a gun. He makes you shoot yourself.

The teammates are going after each other. Oh, my goodness. Your final pick. All right. Now all my picks seem dumb yeah because now you're thinking like people that shoot in movies I'll take the Sundance kid well he's a loser

he's gonna die in this laser contest like physically die yeah he'll be dead soon alright okay then I will take physically die. Yeah, he'll be dead soon. Alright. Alright. Okay, then... I will take... Oh, man. I can't wait to hear the regular dude

you're picking. I can't wait. I can't handle it. He doesn't know who to... Fred Rogers. Alright. You have to make. Okay, okay. You have to make a pick, Mike. Okay.

I will take Give Me. Okay. We are waiting. I'll take James Bond. No, that's my pick. Yes, I did it. All right. The only fun thing I could have done. Oh, that's too bad, man.

James Bond was my final pick. I thought he'd sneak to me. You get gadgets. You get astute laser tag ability. I get a car. You get a car. You can run over people. Shoot.

I'll make you drive that car into a lake. Now, just for the record, you brought up up the fact this is a devolved who has the best wizard the three names that i have on this sheet right now are voldemort gandalf and sauron that's so stupid but why is this a laser tech but i'm gonna go with John McClane. Okay, good. He's my backup, John McClane. Yeah, I mean, really, the genie bringing him out opened up a can of problems. You ruined everything. But Neo, Darth Vader, John McClane, they've all got their role to play, and the genie's just there to keep us safe.

Al, do you have any thoughts on what just took place? It's not how I saw this going when I put it in the doc. That's for sure. It's not how I saw it going either. I have a list of like eight characters. I have Doc Holliday and John Wick. I got Katniss on here. Oh, that's a good one.

Legolas. I got Legolas. Oh, Legolas is solid. I actually have Han Solo on there. Yeah, I did too. Robin Hood, The Punisher, Professor X. So my team is

John Wick, Quicksilver, Deadshot, and it don't matter, Professor X, I win. What did we learn today? Did you want to go over your team? Whatever, man. It doesn't matter. Your team is Hawkeye, The Flash, Rambo, and James Bond. Mine's Neo, The Gen Flash, Rambo, and James Bond. Mine's Neo, The Genie, Darth Vader, and John McClane from Die Hard.

I should have saved The Genie until the end because clearly I would have had him and could have gone more prototypical. What did I learn today? I learned a lot. I learned that Jason really, really wants to know math and, in fact, did not want to play Flubber on a stage production. Oh, I would have played Flubber. Okay, so i learned something else then um i learned that you can duel with three people i thought that was apparently a true trial true true true yeah i apparently that's a thing i mean in fact it's kind of're saying it wrong, because you can't duel with three

people. No, you just- You just duel with three people. I learned you can duel. You never duel with them. I thought when you duel, it was like when you sleep and all the saliva comes out of your mouth. Yeah, you duel all over the place.

I duel on my pillow. You duel on your toothbrush. Similar to Jason, just that Owl Borland is a devious liar. Nasty mouthed as well. Oh, yes. Really gross. He's a sociopath. Also, thanks for all the hard work on the show.

You got it, fellas. Oh, my gosh. Thank you, spit wads. We're happy to be back. 2020 is going to be awesome. Goodbye. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.

Don't forget, Spitwads, if you want to help support this show and get access to the entire archive you can go to spitballerspod.com and click become a spit wad we appreciate your support and you'll appreciate all the episodes