Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 81: I Think I Swallowed A Clementine!

Episode Date: January 13, 2020

Calling all doctors! Please listen & write in to help us diagnose Jason’s medical condition… Also on today’s show, by popular demand, we hit Jason with a surprise new segment. Long time listeners can probably guess what it is in 60 seconds or less. As always, we have some great ‘Would You Rather’ questions before we head into the ‘Situation Room’. We close out this episode by drafting ‘Best Colors’ and the guys must rationalize why their picks are the best. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, spit wads, when you run out of this great show and you're like, I want more shows, you can get access to our entire archive at spitballerspod.com. You can become an official spit wad of our Patreon, have access to everything we've ever made, ad free at spitballerspod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Oh, we're ready to wheel like a booty. Skim it up and-da-ba-ba And the booty What?

We had to find the ending No, we didn't We had no need to find the ending That's where we are I'm not sure where we ended I don't know I know there was a booty in there I think it was

I went with a booty Please tell me that was a booty It was a pootie? I went with was. I went with a pootie. Please tell me that was a booty. It was a pootie? I went with pootie. It was a pootie. Dude. Welcome to the show. The scat's like a lie detector test or something like that.

It's like a serum for the words inside you. They come out and they're just, sometimes they're not for public consumption. Got a problem with pootie? I do, yeah. Welcome in, the spitballers.ers apparently episode 81 of the show something like that impressive we have a very fun exciting adventurous episode for you today full disclosure jason is in some sort of very severe pain for the duration of the day we have well you know what i'm going to take this platform that we have we have a lot of listeners dozens no we we've got several million downloads and

all divisible by 12 dozen and i that's true they they download a lot but i know that there have to be doctors out there that could help me because I'm in a lot of pain. Well, no, it's not pain. It's pressure. I'm in a lot of pressure. I'm in a lot of pressure. Jason, it doesn't take a doctor. The upper.

That's not fair. It's not to be mean. But it might take a doctor. No, it's like literally a doctor will tell you, have you tried doing this one thing? Have you tried losing some weight it's the solution to almost every health problem in america i'm not i'm saying that looking in the mirror as well like i'm sure some of my health problems would go away these pants have been giving me a lot of pressure lately too i mean that's that's fair and i and i deserve it i need to take better care of myself.

But it doesn't change the fact that I've been this weight for about a year, and all of a sudden now, at the top of my whatever. What would you call this? Stomach. It's your stomach. Abdomen. Yeah. Right beneath the sternum.

Yeah. Oh, thank you, Al. Where the stomach's located. Yeah. There's just so much pressure there. It doesn't matter if I've eaten or haven't eaten. What kind of pressure? It feels like...

You feel like you need to burp? No. No, not at all. Nothing like that. Maybe you need to learn how to burp. It feels like what I need to do is lean back and expand and give it about another three inches of my... Like, I need more body here. You need to loosen your chest belt.

Yes. I need to body here. You need to loosen your chest belt. Yes. I need to unzip. You know when bags have that extra zipper where when you unzip that zipper. A suitcase? Yeah, and the suitcase expands. That'll get you five more years worth of... Yeah, five more years of active eating. And that's what I'd like to refer to it as.

I'm an active eater. Because then when people say, do you have an active lifestyle absolutely i have a very active lifestyle i'm an active eater today you're a very your pressure is more active than normal yeah it hurts well i think you need to burp if you're a doctor out there and you listen to this show i'm not sure that's the one you want, Jason. But, you know, write in. Let Jason know what's up. What's wrong with me?

Everyone's going to write in and be like, dude, you need to lose some weight. All right. Other people listen to this show, not just doctors. And sometimes they send us reviews. Here we go. Review-ax this one comes in by cray dog oh yeah love the show andy jason and mike literally keep me rolling laughing on the floor laughing all of you are very funny but you all make the show well-rounded in your own ways. Jason definitely cracks me up

in tears. Mike's laugh alone is contagious, and Andy controls the show very well. That's nice. Thanks, fellas, for making the drives to and from work more enjoyable. And this is from Craydog? Craydog.

Bow wow. Yeah. Craydog. It's funny, Mike. We've been doing the Fantasy Footballers podcast for five years. Yes. And you, I mean, I guess they don't really come in anymore, but you used to get people writing in and they'd criticize your contagious laugh. I've never seen one spitballers person criticize it because laughter's fun. Say, hey, that guy who's laughing all the time.

I don't like it. Be quiet. There's fewer curmudgeons that listen to this comedy podcast. That's what it is. Yeah, that's all it is. You listen because you want to laugh. How could that guy be laughing right now during the comedy show? Your laughter is

fantastic, Mike. Never change. You can find us. I can't if I wanted to. There was a time period in my life because look when you're a when you're a younger fella yeah you're not so secure in certain ways of of your life my my laugh is very high pitched i so you were kind of self-conscious about it oh yes from for several years and i'm an easy laugh which like i appreciate and it's like i'm to the point of my life like yeah so what i laugh a lot at things easily what's the what what superpower do you have you're a monster i don't laugh at things like what's

okay congratulations i'm a selective laugher but i tried i actively tried to to work in a low pitch laugh oh man that's what i was gonna ask oh man it was horrifically bad so you wait would you oh i was gonna ask did you catch the high pitch and then it changed because if it went from high to low in the middle of the laugh imagine my laugh but you just throw it in a pitch shifter. It's still the annoying cadence, but it's... I want to hear the pitch shifter. That is not pleasant to the ears.

No, but there's nothing I can do about anything. It sounds like you're boo-hooing. I'm a rich villain in an 80s movie. Or the cowardly lion crying. That's what I hear.

I hear the cowardly lion. All right. You can find us at Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod, at SpitballersPod on Twitter, YouTube.com slash Spitballers. Excited to be with you today. Let's do some Would You Rather. Would you rather?

All right, Jimmy. Jimmy from Twitter has a Would You Rather question for us. It's an important one, Jason. Oh, good. I only answer important ones. Would you rather subtract one year of your life to add five years to your pet's life or subtract five years of your pet's life to add one additional year to your own life? Oh, me, oh, my. Oh, man.

Jimmy is a monster. Yeah, this question is just not fair to any one of us. Because, look. On one hand, I'm taking the extra year for moi. I'm sorry. Whatever. Call me a monster. I love my dogs. I love them to death.

Not really. No, I love them. I love them to a quicker death. Yeah, I mean, look. Based on his health condition, he needs to kill as many pets as possible. I need all the time I can get, Mike. I don't live in dog years. One year is only one year.

Jason in the backyard, just breathing in the life of his animals. This is how I stay young. He's buying 14 dogs this afternoon. Now, wait a minute. So you could make the argument here that it's not fair, right? Because five years versus one year. For the regular dog, five years, that's half life. Aren't there some dogs that only live like five years?

Yes. Like the big ones, the Great Danes or something like that? I'm pretty sure the average dog is like nine to 11. Okay. 15. I guess I've always had mutts, and I think they live like 13, 14, 15 years. I do think mutts have a longer lifespan. I really do believe that that is true.

Well, purebred have all the genetic issues connected with them. Maybe the mutts fill in the blanks. I don't know how dog DNA works. My point is this my point here is you say well that's not fair you could give five years and you're only getting one for yourself so the selfless thing to do would be to to give more time versus take time from yourself but what is a dog year you both know the answer right dog years are considered this is not real okay but yeah but there is i don't know the answer no i don't the the public perception 10 years seven seven years is a is a dog or one

year in people years of seven years that's the that's the normal that's the way we rationalize dogs living 11 years exactly we want to say they have a full life. We made that up in 1892. To feel better. And it's just like, yeah, it works out. But it applies here. But you never call the dog. You never tell me your dog's 74. No.

Right? When is the last time you've asked me my dog's age? Oh, yeah, now who's the monster? Come on. I thought you cared. Of course I would have. Have I missed all the birthday party invites? Yeah, it's every couple months we do another birthday he's seven today he's 14 today he's 21 today we can

never keep up okay all right so you're taking yeah i'm gonna be the monster i'm gonna i'm just gonna be the honest monster i'm taking my year and you know i'm to have to get another dog. Well, it's hard, though, because, I mean, just... I don't have a dog. I used to, but I don't have a dog. But we have other pets. I was going to say, you don't have pets, but you guys do. But you have... We have frogs and lizards and a bird and...

The bird doesn't need five years. Well, what kind of bird is it? A parakeet. Oh, then it does. It needs some time. And I don't even know how... some time but um and i don't even know how it's a parrot i don't know how long the lizard the the bearded dragon lives or anything like that but to me like pets already live such a small amount of time that's how it feels what if

you get okay so the monster over here has already spoken he He's selfish. Your one year adds five years to every single one of your pets. Not just one. You don't have to pick. Yeah. You don't got to be selfish. I get what you're saying, but no. I'm not extending my bearded dragon's life five years. But here's what I'm going to tell you, Mike.

The question becomes interesting to me is one of the hardest things about having a dog is if you have small kids, you know they're going to have to deal of the hardest things about having a dog is if you have small kids you know they're going to have to deal with the loss yeah of a dog and that's the hardest part now so you say a dog's average life might be like 11 years old well if you have a dog and you can extend its life through the duration of the like the child growing up to be 15 16 17 processing things you know their whole, they get their dog. Does that change it? Mike, are you giving up a year of your life?

Yes, I'm not giving up more than one year of my life. I'm giving my dog 10 years in a bonus. Bonus. Sorry, kids. So you're giving them two. I'm giving them away my time. Daddy's going to leave quicker. Don't say sorry kids. Say sorry grandkids because they're the ones that are going to know you.

They don't even exist anymore. I don't care about them. You don't want to be an old grandpa? I only want to be an old grandpa because grumpier old men, I can't wait to be that guy. Your grandkids will want you to move on anyway. I can't wait to just be the most curmudgeonly of curmudgeon old people. I genuinely believe that that is true. curmudgeon old people. I genuinely believe that that is true.

I think you will be the most total We need to meet up when we're 75 and go to the movies all the time and be the worst to everybody at the movie theater. That will be a blast and I am in. It'll just have to be

you and I. I've stolen extra years from my animals. That's right. My dog is still alive. Mike's dog outlives you. Mike, I'll take your dog to the movies. I appreciate that someone cared for them when I'm gone.

Yeah, wait. One more thing. I cashed in infinite life for them. Your dog is eternal. Yes. I gave him 50 years. And I gave it to him last Tuesday. Mike's gone already.

I was going to ask you, like, when you start hitting 65, 70, and Mr. Would You Rather comes back around, and your dog's fine, are you cashing in at that point, or are you like, man, I'm on borrowed time here? I'll be in a computer by then. It'll be fine. Okay, all right. Brandon from Patreon, would you rather be able to play fantasy football but can never watch any of the games or be able to watch football games but never play fantasy football and my wife's like would you rather just never play fantasy

football and or watch football that's not a would you rather honey would you rather never or be divorced? Would you rather be able to play – I mean, I'd rather be able to watch the game. I'd rather be able to watch football too. Yeah. Guess what? I could still bet on the games. You can't stop me no matter who you are.

I feel like I'd rather play the game. Really? And just read box scores? Yeah, because look – It would take a lot of our time. I love fantasy football, look. It would take a lot of our time. I love fantasy football, obviously. This is our career outside of this show is the Fantasy Footballers Podcast. And the thing is, I feel like if I played the game and didn't watch football,

I would be super happy right now. I wouldn't be as good at fantasy football, but I'd be super happy because the stress level of watching these games is out of control. Maybe that has something to do with the giant problem in your chest. Do you feel that area more when your fancy team is losing? Do you know what I think this might be? Right here, I believe there might be a clementine. I think maybe.

Did you swallow an orange? I must have because that's what it feels like Just a full clementine? There's a clementine It's unpeeled Well if it becomes a mango That's when you call somebody There's no time

It's not I'm starving And I think it just got lodged Vitamin C Oh my goodness So yeah You think you lost Let me just be clear here

You lost a clementine You lost a clementine. You lost a clementine in your body. Yes, I think so, but it's not gone low enough for the stomach acid to get it, so it just sits there. Oh, my God. I want to see that x-ray so bad. If we turn you upside down, can we juice you? Oh. I think you can.

Orange juice coming out the nose? Gross. Find out on the next episode all right matt from patreon would you rather only have sight in one eye or hearing in one ear to me this i'm trying to make sure i don't answer too quickly i feel like but i want hearing in one ear. Yeah, you have... You'll lose your depth perception. What about my earth perception? Do you have like... You lose stereo. There's no more stereo sound, right? That's true.

That's true. But who cares? By comparison. Who cares? Want to be mono eye or mono ear? Audiophiles care, Jason. Oh, yeah, what about you, man? You are an audiophile, so...

What would you do? Would you take ears or... I got to keep my depth perception because you got to be able to drive, man. Oh, yeah. What about you, man? You are an audiophile. What would you do? Would you take ears? I got to keep my death perception because you got to be able to drive. You're a liar. Audiophiles don't care. I do care, but there's certain things that go away. But listen to a record from the 60s where everything is just split into left and right. And you'll go, why can I only hear the drums?

Because you gave up your ears. Well, that's... Your ear. That would only be if I'm listening in two different earbuds. Very specifically. If I just put it out through a speaker, I would hear both parts through the single ear. So I think I'd be okay with that.

And I wish there was a way... It's funny what comes to mind when i think okay i lose depth perception and i'm wondering could that in some way make me better at cornhole could that help my game because based off the last time we played anything could have made you better because now i'm judging you might as well have had no eyes yeah i'm i'm judging based on my body's work instead of what i see i promise seeing depth matters for throwing to a certain depth depth like i'm thinking your perception of where you're throwing it is aided by an extra eyeball yeah but i guess i'm with

mike on this like nothing was going to help you against al and I. Isn't that right, Al? True story. I wish you had no depth perception. That would have helped you a lot. Yeah. I think all of us in this studio wish Andy had no depth perception. Because of cornhole? Yeah. Or just like you want me to suffer a little bit? No, sports.

In a weird, morbid way. Cornhole, pickleball. Okay. I think that would be awesome. So you have to wear an eyepatch at all sports. I mean, it is quick to test that. Dude, what if you beat us at some of these with an eyepatch? Then I'm Michael Jordan?

You have extra glory, and I will be totally fine accepting a victory. You're beating him with an eyepatch? 100%. Won't feel diminished. This doesn't sound like a really good situation he the upside for me is extra glory yes great the upside for me is victory would you rather have how about this would you rather have only sight in one eye or hearing at all that makes it much tougher you what I mean? Because you could have no hearing.

So you're saying I can hear and see through one eye or... You can not hear at all, but you get both your eyes. At that point, are you making the trade? Yeah, I'll take the hearing then. And then the no depth perception? Yeah, I think so. I need my music's... Okay.

All right. That makes sense. It's tougher all right um we're going to introduce a new segment we are jason explains in 60 seconds oh my goodness i did not know this was happening i didn't either we've done this from time to time jason explains something that because you know you know a lot about everything pretty much know all of the things. I mean you didn't even call it an orange. You called it a clementine. I mean this is just. Specificity matters. But we've got

we've got a little wheel here and you can only see it on the video version. We have a wheel? What? What's this made? But it's got a lot of things in it and let me just read a couple of them like dogs or bananas or meteorology or gypsies. So I'm going to spin this wheel and then you're going to spin this wheel.

Wow. And then you're going to explain everything you know about it. And you got 60 seconds. And if you want, I've got a 60 second timer I can hit. I don't know if you want to be that. It's got a sound effect. Apparently it does. And we're spinning the wheel and it comes up. Who authorized this app?

It comes up. Okay. Circus. Oh, the circus. Everything you know about the circus. I know everything there is about a Okay. Circus. Oh, the circus? Everything you know about the circus in 60 seconds. I know everything there is about a circus. All right. So circuses started in 1776.

Wait. The beep goes the whole time? Don't interrupt my time. They started in 1776. It was originally because of two runaway people that got on a train together. And on that train car were animals. There were a ton of what we now think of as circus animals. But it wasn't a circus yet until in an attempt to make a living,

they disconnected the train cars, and the train got derailed into a field. The animals were everywhere. They corralled these animals, and the only thing they could do was build a tent. And everybody passing by said, what is this tent? I have to see it. They came and stopped by and said, are there animals in there? I said, yes. What kind of animals? I don't know. This is some kind of

a circus. Wait, is this you now? This is you? You were there? I read a book. No, this is something very specific. I don't know if you realize what you're describing. So everybody started paying tickets. Why is there a demon? And now all of a sudden people come and pay to watch animals do crazy stuff inside of tents and they call that a circus.

Did I make it on time? That's 60 seconds. That's everything you need to know. Do we fact check these? Do you realize that you were explaining one of the missions from Red Dead Redemption 2? Oh, that's... I wonder if that's in the recess of my mind. That's where this came from. But I guess that would have been what 1899 so i was wrong on the timeline but everything else was accurate

i don't know what just happened you learned everything there is to know about a circus is that a real story yes that's why circuses happen the fact that you could even question right now if that's a real story andy. Well, if it's a plot in a game or something. No, that's not a real story. No, someone didn't get on a train car and derail it with a bunch of circus animals. And then the circus started.

I was distracted by the very loud countdown. Yes, the demon man. Look, we're working through it. You know so much. Let's enter the Situation Room. Brain. The Situation Realm. So wait, Jason knows nothing about circuses?

Is that what? Well, his date was 1776. Right. Coincidentally. Nothing was going on. And I heard nothing about P.T. Barnum being a terrible human being so alright

that's right crazy showman I see right through you I don't even know what word you just said situation room here we go taters from patreon doctors that's his name taters don't wear it out doctors have combined the DNAna of jason mike and

andy a pair of twins were born and are now grown up this is disturbing on every level one twin has the best attribute from each of you the other twin has the worst attribute from each of you. Describe each twin and give a name. We're building the twins from the movie. This is twins from the movie, but instead of a combined DNA of whatever 13 Olympic and super people there were, this is us three. Do you not know the plot of Twins with Arnold? That's the plot? Yeah, the plot is they made genetic creatures, and Arnold got all the good DNA, and then Danny DeVito got the leftovers. So now-

Ah, the 80s. We have to- Basically, here's the situation. You have to name your best and worst quality- That's easy. On the podcast. Oh, man. And then combine them and name these?

One of these two is a gluttonous beast. That's your best quality? No, that's my worst quality. How would you think that's my... No. I thought you thought it was your best, Mr. Active Eater. No. This is my...

You thought that was my... That's your best quality? Is you're a fat guy? You eat too much? I thought you were saying that was your skill. Like you've a fat guy you eat too much i thought you were saying you that was like your skill like you've got a cool skill to contribute i just lean in look so you're giving the you're giving the gluttony to the the yeah the bad twin the evil twin yeah the evil twin is definitely why is he evil now because look he's unfortunate well he should go evil after these attributes yeah if you're taking the worst attributes of us what is he evil now? Because, look. He's unfortunate. Well, he should go evil after these attributes.

Yeah, if you're taking the worst attributes of us. What's the worst of you, Mike? What's going into this twin? So we know this twin is just a huge fat guy. Right? One of these twins is way severely overweight. That's what he got from me. I can't even lean in anymore.

What is that? I will bequeath him my anxiety and depression. So he will be. Oh, he's a sad fat man. Oh, that's rough. He will have crippling panic attacks. Oh, no. It just curled in a big, big ball.

Oh, man. Well, you are right when you say a big, big ball. Oh, man. Well, you are right when you say a big, big ball. What other thing could you lay on this poor soul? He will be pathetically impatient. Oh, yes. Not waiting in a line at all. No, and grumpy because he's impatient. Give me my Happy Meal.

What's his name? He can't even buy the number four? His name is Bert, isn't it? His name's Bert. Oh, man. Right? I can go with that. And it kind of ties in.

Jason can't burp, but the evil twin's name is Bert. Bert. So Bert. Now, what are our best qualities? My height. Okay. No, that's... I think that that is one of your top three qualities

that's all i have to bring i can reach things oh yeah so top shelf i can open jars well too so somehow okay your height my strength uh so physically we got a tall, strong person. What would you... I'll give him my music ability. Oh, so he's musically inclined. The tallest, strongest guitarist. I'm going to give him... He's an 8'2 rock star. An 8'2 rock star.

Just so gangly. With a great sense of humor. He's going to... I mean, obviously, if he's coming from the three of us, he's going to be super funny. I thought we only got to give him one. No, it's just the best of us. What's his name? Is it real?

Mike? Jason. Dang it, he got there first. Oh, my gosh. You guys both went there. Jason Michael Holloway. I feel like you need to weigh in a little bit here. Well, I do think Jason is a strong man.

I don't think that's his best quality. I would have to say Jason's humor is what this guy is going to inherit. Mike's musical ability. Yeah, there you go. And Andy's ability to keep the show on track. Thanks. That's normal. So organized.

He's very organized. True. I still don't think we have a name. We have Bert and then this guy, Ernie. I thought it was Jason Michael. Yeah. Mike Jason? There you go.

It's you two. All right. New situation. You get the opportunity. This is from JP from the website, speedballerspod.com. You get the opportunity to face off against a, I guess against a baseball team,

an MLB franchise of your choice. Okay. So you get one at bat. Okay. If you get on base, you get a million dollars. All right. The catch is you don't get to use a bat. You need to use something else you brought from home.

Okay. Who are you batting against and what are you bringing to bat with? Okay. All right. But you got to get on base. That's the caveat. It's easy to find something that you could potentially hit, right? I could hit a ball with a boogie board, right?

But I might not get on base because it's not going to do nothing. You're thinking about this all wrong. I am? I know what I'm doing. It's a million dollars. I'm getting hit with a baseball. Oh, you're using your body? It doesn't matter what my bat is.

Are you bringing a pillow? Yeah. That man's booty is a little fluffy. But it will just be under my shirt. Oh, okay. And then you're just turning into it. That's the way you're getting hit? You're darn right.

You're going face first? I will look like Happy Gilmore in the pitching machine. Oh, you're dead, man. It's a million dollars. Well, flip it around to the backside. At least get hit in the back. We've already established I'll give away my entire life so that my dog can live forever. Yeah, because here's the thing.

I'll risk my life for a million dollars. You're very frivolous. Very frivolous with your life. Everybody's got one. If it was an item, like let's say I bring my frying pan, right? You could hit it hard with a frying pan. It's got a big surface area. It's got a big surface.

The issue is still hitting the ball. Yeah. I know that I can do most things excellently, but I don't believe I can. Of course, land a plane. Yes, exactly. You're speaking the truth. But I don't believe I could ever hit a major league pitcher.

I don't think that would be humanly possible for me to do. I didn't think it was possible for you to reach this level of humility. Thank you. I'm really. Like professionals who are very good at hitting a baseball hit it, what, three out of ten times? That's when they're really good. That's when they're really good. That's when they're really good. Four out of ten times is really good.

The greatest of all time. So, you know, if you bring some wide surface, some huge surface. Like a big bass? Maybe a bass. You could swing a fish. I was thinking like a folding chair or something. The folding chair makes sense to me. It's very wide.

You could potentially hold it out there and then you could, in your follow-through, hurdle it at whoever was going to get the ball because you would need an advantage to get to first base. So if I can hold the chair up and then wherever the ball bounces, I can hurdle

the chair at them and maybe I get on base. I think Mike is 100% right here. You gotta take it. Just take it in the chest? I'm going to twirl the chair at them, and maybe I get on base. I think Mike is 100% right here. You're going right there. Just take it in the chest. I'm bringing a snow glove, and that's what I'm going to hit the ball with. Just the back of my hand. Ow.

And no, you're not. You're swinging your arm. Backhand? You're breaking your hand into about 50 pieces. The other hand, my palm. Because here's the deal. You could not catch a ball. No way you could catch a ball. I don't need to catch the ball.

I just need to get hit by it. You won't be able to. If you were swinging your arm into the strike zone, you're crazy. You're trying to take this thing in the rump, man. That you could do. Your hand would explode. You're right. My rump is definitely.

Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin. So what could I bring from home? To benefit your rump? Yeah. A diaper? Okay. All right.

That depends. Oh, I see what you did there. Not bad. All right. There you go. What is happening? I have no idea. Taylor from the website, you're offered $50,000 to go three months without washing, brushing

your teeth, or using deodorant or a fragrance. You cannot explain your reason to anyone until after the three months is up. Do you take it? Oh, man. I don't think I could do it. I don't think I would be allowed. You can't explain anything, Al? Nope.

Nope. So no comment to your wife who says, hey, you need to shower. You stink. You have no comment. No comment. That's what you say. Have you ever replied to that for anything? Look, if you go three months, you're going to have to start.

No comment. I'm saying that particular phrase. the garbage is getting full no comment comment dude i'm busting that one out i am busting that out tonight i plead the fifth this is like my my son i feel like i probably said that before no comment if somebody left something out and it was me sure okay and then she goes hey who left out the this that or the other and i'm but it's no comment and then i run away as a joke. It's when you're asked to do something that the no comment's going to work the most against you. I mean, how many days is it going to take to be asked to shower?

It's not the shower. It's the brushing your teeth. Oh, no. Because look, in the winter. I'm going to need $50,000 in dental after this three months. Like, in the winter in Arizona, you could pull off two days. Like, you could go a day without a shower. Okay.

I thought you meant that was related to my teeth. I'm like, why is if it's cold outside, my teeth are cleaner? I'm saying, like, you could do a few days without someone making a comment about a shower situation. I agree with you. But brushing your teeth. Yeah. I mean, that's a morning. Okay, let's just walk through this because I think there's a way that we could get this done.

Okay. You say the winter would be easier. I'm thinking, look, in the summer. Swimming pool? I can go take a swim. I'm just going to swim. I'm not washing. But I'm going to swim.

And I get off. I've got the chlorine or the salt. Cheat code. Yeah. No, but I'm saying if you took this deal, you'd do that. You'd also wake up. You'd probably eat an apple every morning, right? Like, isn't that an apple a day keeps the dentist away?

It keeps the doctor. But I've heard it's like. It's not cleaning your teeth. I've heard it's like, I don't know, something for your teeth. I've heard it's like... It's not cleaning your teeth. I've heard it's like, I don't know, something for your teeth. I've heard it's very scientific. I've heard it's a sweet, delicious treat. I've never eaten these fruit things other than a clementine. Wish I don't chew.

But I think if you wake up and you eat breakfast and you, you know. Okay. There's certain things you can eat that would help your teeth. I imagine celery. Celery. No way. Celery stinks. Celery's got a bad smell.

Wouldn't it help clean your teeth? Yeah, that could work. I mean, it's the shape of a tooth. Maybe. And then you smell like celery. It's better than what you probably smell like. Here's the real- You smell like bad, dirty celery.

I don't think I'm willing to take $50,000 to have the most miserable three months. It's a lot of money. It's a lot of money, but let me ask you this, Mike. Let's say you could make your, you know, like a yearly, a good yearly wage. All right. Right? Above average yearly wage. And all you had to do was three months out of every year you had to do this.

And you never have to work again. You never have to work again except for you've got three months where you're basically quarantined from the world. Or you're that guy at GameStop. Because we all know that guy. And we wait for him to leave if i'm making livable wage every single year i think it would take my wife one time to figure it out like at the end of three months also a giant amount of money would show up and then the next year all of a sudden i'd be real smelly again she'd go oh i know what's going on i think we don't he's out of money i think we don't remember how deeply bad someone could smell yeah three months is a load there's been a few times you know in my life where i've walked around

someone that truly like i would throw i would throw up if I had to keep standing next to this person. And that's what you're going to be. So I'm out. Shark tank. But then obviously the question is, you're out until the dollar sign gets how big? Oh, ooh. Because $50,000 is a lot of money, but $500,000 is a lot more. Oh, I'm in for $500,000.

You're talking about a half a million dollars? I'm in for $500,000. You're talking about a half a million dollars? I'm in. I take back all the stinky stuff. All the stuff I just said. I'd be straight up blowing on people. I don't care. Smell it. I get a half a million. Smells like money.

Smells like the vault. Alright. Al, just out of curiosity, are you in on this deal? Are you going three months for 50K? I can't do it. I'm a smelly guy. Yeah. I need to shower every day or I'm getting kicked out of the house. Your wife's like throwing 50,000 at you to find the climb in. Yep. All right. Moving on. The Spitballers Draft. All right, we are drafting. Mike's got the first pick.

What a lucky guy. Oh, man, I'm so jealous. We are drafting colors. You're putting together. Are we going three rounds or four? I don't know if I know four rounds of colors. Yeah, that could be tough. Let's go three, see where we're at.

And then you decide whether to extend. All right, so you have to draft a color. You're building a team of colors. Yeah, that could be tough. Let's go three, see where we're at. And then you decide whether to extend. All right, so you have to draft a color. You're building a team of colors, and you've got to find a reason why yours is the best. I mean, I know you got the softball when we did the months of the year draft, Mike. Yeah. And you got to take...

December. So this is perfect that you don't get to do that here unless you think there's a smash hit. I think there's a smash hit i think there's a smash hit there's there's one that i'll be look there's only one that i'll be upset if you take interesting interesting i've never drafted colors before so this is going to be exciting i'm pretty sure i know what jason's is and then honestly it's it's between that and my favorite color which my favorite color has a lot of reasons why it could be drafted.

It also could make it back. Why do we all need favorite colors? It's funny how everybody's got your favorite color. My son asks me all the time, what's your favorite color? What is it? Oh, dang it. Nice try. What do you normally say?

So Mike is so honed in on one color with this topic that he's actively looking for yours to take. My favorite part is he's already said he has a favorite color. He said, I can take my favorite color. But you're not, Mike? I don't know what to do because this draft is so ridiculous. Okay. All right, whatever. I know what Jason's going to take, but I'll take my favorite color.

I will take green. All right, so green. All right, okay.. I will take green. All right, so green. All right, okay. So I will take green. Green is the color of life. It is the color of nature. Just being around the color green brings a certain vigor to your spirit. Color of algae?

Yeah, algae is a big one. Dirty pools? Why are they green, though? Algae? The color of leaves. I think, isn't vomit generally green? No. No, it's a yellow.

What about in cartoons? Yeah, in cartoons, green is also farts. Vegetables. You also got vegetables up in your green. Vegetables life. All right. It is the color of oxygen because you without the green leaves you will have no oxygen it is the color of life i feel

like oxygen is definitely not green what color is it clear yeah it's air look my this is this is an easy one it should have been the one-on-one and not having. Oh, you're the color of poison to Mike. Yeah, that's true. Life and poison. Yeah. Life and death. Yeah. The tale of Mike Wright and his dog years. No, I look.

I'm not having any of the color black. Yeah, it's black. Is super important to me. It's my entire wardrobe of shirts. If I can't. It doesn't have to be you you could wear green but yeah if you wanted to see all of my shape wait so you're taking black because it's slimming i'm taking black mostly because it's slimming that is it's the color of darkness evil sure it's the color of darkness and uh and uh spiders beautiful night.

Not all spiders are black. Okay. Some are. Black widows are. That's fair. Penguins are black. That's good stuff, man. Penguins are awesome.

How about Black Panther? No, look. Black is timeless. I mean, you know. Black is timeless. Black is timeless. There mean, you know. Black is timeless. Black is timeless. There are numerous black things that exist. All I know is outer space.

What color shirt are you wearing today, Mike? I am wearing a black shirt. Andy, what color shirt are you wearing today? If this is the reason for drafting it, number one. I'm just asking because maybe I can't see. It's black. Oh, what about me? You're wearing a black shirt. Yeah.

We all over ate recently. Okay, so you're wearing a black shirt yeah we all over eight recently yeah okay so you're taking black darn right well i'll take my favorite color as my first pick which is blue blue is my favorite you would be a blue guy the sky is blue yeah there's a bunch of things just overtly like blue's such a good color they just just name things very simply. Blue Jay, blueberries. It's such a good color. It's the same letter that starts basic for a reason. Oh, basic. It's the same letter. It's basic.

The ocean is blue. I remember being a little kid and having blue be my favorite color. Yeah. Oh, my God. When you grew up. The argument against blue is that it's a kid color? No, it's like a little baby color. Like Oshkosh overalls.

Or what? Oshkosh blue gosh. Yeah. I know what you're saying. Honestly, blue might be my favorite color. Blue's the best color. That's usually the color I answer when my kid asks. I don't really have a favorite.

Hey, what color are your walls, Mike? Gray. Dang it. You thought he had blue walls? I really thought they were like light blue. You live in that smirk village, right? What color are your walls? I thought his house walls were light blue.

I think he's lying to me. No, I knew his walls were gray. What color are your walls? Not blue is the answer to everyone. Whoever is listening and hearing that question asked, the answer is never blue. You're only seeing one big blue, bright blue. Except here's where their walls are blue.

A little boy's room. Yes. Yes. So a nice nursery. All right. So I've got, I've got to pick another color, huh?

Yes, you do. Oh, all right. I actually have three colors. I really want right now oh my goodness i think i think i'm gonna pick i think i'm gonna go orange oh that's one of them i like orange i respect it it was my old favorite color back when i was a child. But look, Jason, Clementines.

Oh, yeah. You started right there. You're a big fan. You've got fall leaf colors, orange. Orange is fire? Yeah, they used to be green. The Spitballers podcast? Yeah, our logo.

We picked it for a reason. Thank you so much. God, crap. Yeah, that was a good pick. Goldfish. Yeah, orange is good. It's number one. Brooks has just sent me a message, and he said, orange number one.

So obviously it's proven. So I've got blue and orange, and I'm feeling good, and I'm so glad I don't have to pick anymore. You're still going to have to pick again, because we're not finishing the draft where you've got blue and orange. However. You're the chicago bears loser franchise oh man you must be pretty embarrassed i actually like those colors a

lot what color are your walls orange right i'm going to pick a color that i i look i didn't expect this to be how it was going to go but i'm in a position here where i can have black and white and i'm taking it i'm to look you go at my pool, my umbrellas, my seats. They're all black and white striped. I think you're picking white. You need to tell me why white's good, not why it's a compliment to your black. Because it's clean. It's fresh.

It's bleachable. It's clouds. I mean, you know. It's clouds, and then there's clouds. I think my colors are very complimentary. Snowmen. Marshmallows. Sheep, like you.

Sheep? Oh, sheep. I heard cheap. I was like, why is cheap a color? All right. Well, look, I got black and white, so I feel like I got the gamut, even though I also have no color. No color in my color draft.

That's what I was going to say. That's the problem. I realize... You either have all the colors or none of the colors. But the truth is, I think I would start with black and white on my palette. Okay. It's pretty good. It's pretty good.

So with green, I guess I'm just taking more out there colors. I'm like black and white. I will take purple. Okay. Purple is- You're moving from the primaries? Yeah, the primary colors. Primary Schmymeria.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I've heard you say that before. Yeah, it's super basic. But now I have, isn't green and purple, those are complementary? Is that what they call them? Oh, so you're building an appropriate team there. Yeah, I'm looking at the color wheel. Yeah, black and white.

They're not on there. So blue and red, you put them together, you get some purple. You get some black. Right, well, but isn't complementary colors, isn't that what it's called? I don't know. Yeah, those would be like ones like- They're on the opposite side of the color. Yeah, opposite of violet.

I mean, blue and orange, you- They're complementary. Unknowingly did it. But yours- Which is why the colors, they look good together. But purple, the opposite of that is yellow on the old- Is it? On the old wheel.

But you're good, man. It's a really good pick. I'm making all this up because I really like purple. And now I have the Joker. Plums? Oh, man, plums? Very underrated. When's the last time you had a plum? Like 15 years ago?

It's been a while. That was in your favor. How long it's been since I've had a plum. Yeah, but like I remember them fondly. Remember how good they were back when they existed? Does anyone eat plums anymore? No. I don't think so. They never did. Do they carry them at the grocery store?

Eggplant. I mean. Oh, eggplant sucks. Oh, yeah. Yes. These people with their eggplant lasagna. That stuff is garbage. But you got purple crayons.

Yeah. I can color purple everywhere. We all have the crayon color of our choice. And then there you go. Grapes, Mike. You're good to go. Yeah, but green grapes are better. I do have those, though.

I got green. You've got all the grape colors. Oh, man. So much wine. So you still have another pick, right? I do. As you think, Mike, through these important decisions, you have green and purple, all right?

Which is, I mean, there's the Joker right there, green and purple. That's what I said. And then Chase has got black and white. And then I got blue and orange. What a team we're building. You have another pick. Please tell me you're Googling what colors exist. Please tell me that's

what's happening why would i possibly be doing that you're running out after i've got two that i really want here so i'm i'm sitting pretty two that you really want so yeah you're fine all right uh i will take red okay that was one of them that That was one of them. Red sucks. I hate red. It's so stupid. He just took a color and then said, I hate it. Because it's stupid. It's so stupid. Yeah.

Okay. How is red a stupid color? Red's the color of blood. Blood. Outside of the body. You're all about life, right? Yeah, but if you see red, that means death is approaching. You're also all about Christmas, and you got green on lot.

Oh, my man. Coming through. I got red and green. Eat it. Apples. Stop it. You've got all grapes, all apples. I have the best apples.

You're right. I think we're getting down to stinky colors now. Yeah, like red. What a dumb color. Red's not a bad color. It's the worst. It's the color of Midlife Crisis. You can pick up your's not a bad color it's the worst it's the color of uh midlife crisis you can pick up your miata exactly it's the worst oh you'll get my red my red vet

not a big red fan okay no what color are your walls red right yeah uh i'm look i'm gonna go out there i've gone i've gone very you please take gray i've gone very neutral here with black and white i'm gonna go a little bit of pizzazz i'm gonna go with my white and your red i'm taking pink all right i respect it i think pink is such a great color i mean every time that you know we rock a pink shoe mike you've got oh yeah you get compliments on them left right and center my wife that's her favorite she loves pink so yeah here we go um black white and pink that's the problem with red is like when you're when you grow up you're like you have to you're a boy so you gotta like blue and you gotta like red that's why the green purple pink orange is what they're

way more interesting you got the pink panther. I got cotton candy. Yeah. Cotton candy sucks. Who's the SpongeBob friend? Patrick. He's pink. The starfish.

He's pink. Pigs. Oh, fantastic. We're on brand. All right. I don't want a couple of these stinky colors, so I'm going to go a little off the map here. I've got blue and orange.

Here comes salmon. No, here comes gold, baby. I just got some. Oh, gold. That's nice. Right? I love gold. Gold.

Here's some of the things that's similar. It's the color of gold. Gold is the color of gold. End of story. That's pretty fair. That's not bad. That's not bad. And then I'm going silver. Oh, wait. We're going four rounds? We're doing it.

Are we done? No. We're going to go four. Oh, good. Someone can draft the P color. All right. I'm taking silver because it's the color of silver. I love Andy's team. Blue and orange and gold and silver. Yeah, baby. You get first place and second place. That's right. You can take bronze.

It's all up for grabs. No, thank you. I'm done. So I'm going to do it. Which one are you going to pick? Pee or poop? Go. I'm picking pee because yellow.

Yellow it is. Look at our monkey. Look at our mugs. Yeah. Look at these banana peels. They're yellow. Yeah. Look at these banana peels. They're yellow. Yeah, they are. Like cowardice.

Which? Tell me something. Which runt is the best runt? The yellow. Which Starburst is the worst one? Oh, man. I had no idea you were talking about candy. Runt of the litter?

Yeah. What are you talking about? I'm talking about banana runts. I'm talking about banana Laffy Taffy. You're talking about banana. I'm talking about banana flavor. I'm surprised you didn't say, you took banana. That's the color you drafted.

So hold on. Let me see. My team is black, white, pink, and banana. Yeah, and that makes sense because you love banana things. Pikachu, Big Bird. You're good. You're good to go. I like it. Pac-Man. Pikachu, Big Bird. You're good. You're good to go. I like it.

Pac-Man. Oh, Pac-Man. Cheese. Cheese. Yeah, baby. Urine. All right. Mike, your turn.

Cheese is a little more orange. Cheese is classically yellow. Agreed. If you were to color. Really? No, no, no. You think that cheese is orange? Yeah.

That's how you would describe cheese? I would describe cheddar as orange. I guess you're kind of right. No, I'm not saying that it's clearly. Lay cheese is out. I'm not saying, oh, that's clearly yellow. But the color that is associated with cheese is yellow. If you get a pack of crayons and you've got this little mouse with a wheel you're going okay that's yellow that's

fair you would not grab the orange that's fair when you're coloring like a child yeah you would color if you type cartoon cheese it's yellow you're gonna see yellow okay but when you type like cheese that a human being would eat cheese is that a human being would eat orange al borland you are a giant packers i'm seeing a lot of Swiss. Crap, that's not yellow or orange. But he's got white, too. You're a giant Packers fan. Packers are known for being cheeseheads, their logo, everything. What color is all of that cheese?

Yellow. Yeah. Okay, I feel like it hurt him to say that, though. It did. He wanted to decide mine. That's actually on Team Orange when it comes to cheese. Okay, let me ask you this question. You go to the deli.

They give you a fine sandwich, and there is a piece of bright yellow cheese on that sandwich. Is it American cheese? And you're okay with that? Heck yeah. Because it's what kind of cheese? Cheddar? Cheddar's orange. American?

Look, Mike should have taken yellow if he was this passionate or orange i guess i got cheese apparently i had no chance to get all i know is i just googled i image search just okay cheese that's okay and is it cartoon cheese no no just cheese and it's just images of cheese okay cheese is yellow this is the weirdest debate cheese is traditional yellow like that one's orange yeah that one's. There's a couple orange ones in here. This is yellow. Yeah. Predominantly yellow.

All right. There's a lot of yellow going on. Can we get a close-up here? Can we get a close-up on this cheese? Brooks, what color is cheese? Yellow. What color is cheese is something we're asking. Yellow is the actual Google answer.

Yes. Yellow is the color of cheese. You learn something every day. You never knew. All right. I will take teal. Why cheese was first dyed yellow. I will take teal to close it out.

Teal. So you didn't want to go brown? Because I wanted to. I got a lot of things to say about brown. Yeah. I bet you did. No, I'll take teal. I'll take.

Now, is teal the same as aqua? No. Yeah. No. No? No, because it can teal the same as aqua? No. Yeah. No. No? No, because it can't be the same because that's aqua. Well, but that's like saying, is teal blue and being able to say yes. It's of the blue family.

That's what I mean. Sure. Okay, teal is darker and more greenish blue with a slight tinge. Aqua is a lighter blue. It's like if you're like, is turquoise the same? So are you sticking with... Yeah, I'm going to take teal. Over turquoise or teal?

Yeah, teal's like- Turquoise is the worst. What? Turquoise is great. But wait, do you like teal? Because they're very similar. Teal is a fantastic color. Aqua looks like the one you should have gone with.

Aqua is a delightful color. It's the lighter. I mean, you- But teal is like, it's a blue green, right? Yeah, it's kind of my baby brother, Drafton Blue over here. No big deal. No, I guess I get- Yeah, teal's fine. I get a grownup? Yeah, it's kind of my baby brother, drafting blue over here. No big deal. No, I get... Yeah, teal's fine.

I get a grown-up color. Teal's kind of like... Oh, teal's grown-up, but blue, is it? Oh, yeah. Blue's for babies. Wait a minute. You're losing that one. No.

Teal is for babies. What? Teal is a little bitty baby boy color. A baby doesn't even know what teal is. They know what blue is. A baby doesn't know what teal is. Correct what blue is a baby so a baby doesn't know what teal is correct but he comes out blue yeah he does i just typed into an image search what color is teal when i meant to say what things are teal oh mercy um yeah okay so you're going teal to close

it out wow this was a good one what what's teal in the natural environment like a like a nothing peacock feather yeah there's teal in a peacock feather you would not look at a peacock feather and be like oh that's teal that's not that rainbow like it's every color blue and green okay so just to be clear what's these final teams al all right mike has green red, and teal. Jason has black, white, pink, and yellow. Andy has blue, orange, gold, and silver. There you go.

The first and only color draft in the history of the Spitballers podcast. This has been very, very exciting. What did we learn today? been very very exciting what did we learn today i learned that the cowardly lion might be laughing and not really afraid maybe he just has a real high-pitched laugh and he's embarrassed and he's embarrassed and he's a little cowardly about it, actually. I learned that Jason swallowed a Clementine whole. And apparently cheese is yellow. You just learned that. I did.

You've grown, Mike. Congratulations. I'm proud of you for being able to admit that. What's your favorite color, Al? Green. Yeah. Of course it is. Mike.

Anything Mike says. Goodbye. I'm the best. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. If you want to hear more, if you want access to the full archive,

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