Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 83: Criminal Speeding & A Disney Princess Battle

Episode Date: January 27, 2020

Welcome Spitwads! Try not to step in the Owl scat on your way in. On today’s episode, we find out all about Jason’s shady run-ins with the fuzz. We also answer some very important questions about peeing in the shower and geriatric thresholds. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, it's me. It's Andy. Hey, Andy. How's it going? I'm fantastic. We've got a great show today. That's number one. Number two, I just want to let everyone out there listening know that if they don't have enough spitballers-themed aspects of their life, they can go over to spitballerspod.com. They can click on the Become a Spitwad button.

It's just a little button. That's how it sounds. Yeah. When you click it, it goes, boop-boop. Is that a spittoon yes okay you can click on become a spit wad learn more about how you can support the show and get some really cool perks that spitballerspod.com let's get to the episode what happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Who's that cool cat who's all that? His name is Owl.

Oh, man. oh man you you got us i was oh halfway through that scat you got us good i i was ready to just annihilate you for like what how prepared does one have to be to scat intro of the Spitballers podcast? But then you stuck the landing, and it was fantastic. That was so, guys. That was so good. That was so good. I think he needs to do it every time. You're right.

Why should we ever scat again on this show? Not going to happen yet. Welcome into the show. Al Borland is here, if you didn't notice. I think he was playing us. This was a real white man can't jump situation. Yeah, he wanted to scat this whole time. No, no, no, guys, don't.

I mean, be sure, before the show, he's like freaking out. What key is it? I've known Al for the majority of my life. I'm sorry. Yes, thank you. I accept your apologies. He's a musical man. So him back there sandbagging that he can't pull off a scat intro is ridiculous.

Well, you did a great job. I hope, Al, that you get roasted on Twitter still. I hope the people hate it. Oh, his wife's going to be so proud. Unbelievable. Unbelievable intro to this show. Episode 83, the Spitballers podcast, at SpitballersPod on Twitter,

SpitballersPod.com. Excited to have you with us. Appreciate all the support. A lot of new listeners lately. I'm sorry but episode 83 is going to be a lot like the other ones and here's the thing it's going to be extra special because i don't know if you guys have noticed this in my demeanor for the last week or so but I am extra relaxed. Really? Just extra comfortable because over the weekend, my wife... Finally got some adult diapers.

Everything's really... The fear is gone. The fear is gone. I can do this anywhere. The anxiety has been lifted. Look, my wife purchased me some joggers. It's a type of pant, and it's a type of sweatpants.

So my wife, I didn't ask her to do this. She bought me some trendy joggers, and these are sweatpants. That's what you're wearing? Yes. So essentially what has happened is my wife not only authorized, but encouraged me to wear sweatpants. So now you're eating whatever you want. I am wearing sweatpants every day of my life.

They look nice. Thank you. I've seen a lot of people wearing sweatpants lately. Yeah. The hip and cool people like Mike. It's the cool thing to do. They got like a cool looking zipper on the side. And everything was going gangbusters until about yesterday when my wife said well

so what are you just wearing the sweatpants every day like wait you got them for me and she's like i got you one pair she's like well you you can't wear them every day then you just look sloppy and i'm like well your fault too late i wear sweatpants now because of you because i have permission yes in honor of your wife not wanting you to wear them every day, let's coordinate, okay? I'll take Monday, Wednesday, Fridays. Wait a minute. Hold on. I only get two days?

Well, I mean. Wait, we can only have one of us wear sweatpants per day, otherwise we've given up? I think we can all. Guys, they're called joggers. They're not called sweatpants. Oh, so they're. Right. I need to jog a lot.

I've been, honestly, honest to goodness. I might. I might just hit outside and hit a run. You can jog to the They're not called sweatpants. Oh, so they're right. I need to jog a lot. I've been honestly, honest to goodness. I might just hit outside and hit a run. You can jog to the local Dunkin' Donuts and those bad boys. I have thought recently about taking up running. This is real. I have downloaded an app. Oh, no. Step one of running, obviously.

Download an app. I have running shoes. I have not. Right foot, left foot. Right foot, left foot. There's a catchy song that helps me. Did you buy running shoes? Well, I bought running shoes back in the day with a trainer.

I thought maybe this was getting more serious. No, it is getting serious. Now, please don't hear what I'm saying. I haven't ran at all yet, and I don't know if it's going to happen. That's where the rubber literally meets the road. Well, I mean, that's the finish line is starting running. The end is the beginning. That's where I want to complete.

But I'm working up to that point. And I think joggers by the name. Oh, that sounds like that's the next step on the way. Do they make sweatshorts, though? Because, Jason, you're more of a sweatshorts guy. I own sweatshorts, and they're delightful, but not appropriate in public. So joggers. Unless you run, because I've seen runners.

They don't care. Sure. I mean, I can wear like. What if you wear the little teeny tinies? Oh, yeah. The runner shorts. Yeah. I need.

If I was on a main street Car crashes everywhere The quadricep Honestly Reflection Owl Borland can He can tell you that this is the truth I wear the short shorts When we play pickleball

Is that true Owl? It is Unfortunately very true And every time they come out With a shorter pair I snatch them up. You know, there's this thing called Speedos. That's inappropriate, Jason.

Oh, okay. Minor shorts. It doesn't matter if you can see my butt cheeks. I wanted to say that there are many jokes I have that I am not saying right now. All right. We appreciate your reviews, your support of the show, subscribing, reviewing. We're going to read one right now. Review-a- asaurus rags this one comes in from hostess apple pies are dope dope yo and yes they are five stars the realest guys

and funniest podcast did i read that correctly the realest i think you did you did read it okay all right impressive uh i've never reviewed a podcast before, but this one deserves it. These guys are just three dudes hanging out with a microphone in front of them, and it's glorious. Technically three microphones. Go on. Thank you for the facts. Bringing a podcast.

Nope. I read it wrong. All right. Here we are. Binging a podcast starts here. Listen to the Spitballers for nine straight hours, and time will fly by with endless laughter. They make you feel like you know them.

I once woke my girlfriend up while laughing so hard and tried to explain that Jason hurt himself while sitting. She was not as entertained as I. Thank you. Give it time. Hostess apple pies are dope. How, aside from an overseas flight, how are you listening to the Spitballers podcast for nine straight hours?

Well, clearly he didn't sleep because he woke his girlfriend up. I mean, he's just been awake all night. So he just got home or just never did anything during the day? We're not exactly a lullaby. Okay, maybe he put it on, thought he could drift off to sleep, found out Jason could hurt himself pulling a whatever sitting down. Have you guys ever had this happen, like laying in bed with a spouse and then listening to something or watching something that's funny?

Yes. I remember very vividly listening to Jim Gaffigan, and this was the first time I had ever heard the Hot Pocket bit. And I'm not laughing out loud,'s when you don't laugh out loud it just turns into your body you got the shake your body shaking so this i'm just laying silently look like you're freezing yes horrible fever and she wakes up it's like what is happening i fucking dead. How is that joke after the 900th time you've heard it? Honestly, not as funny as when I had the body shakes, but it's still a great bit. Shout out to Nate Bargatze.

He's the only one that's got me to laugh like that in bed and wake my wife. Oh, Bargatze. I was watching a Netflix special. Yeah, he's great. All right, moving on. Yeah, he's great. All right, moving on. Would you rather?

Now, I've been warned by Al Borland that this show, just the questions in it, might need a little bit of our help. That's all I'm going to say. Now, Al Borland, who put together this show doc here? That would be me. He warned us moments before the show, because we don't see these beforehand, that the doc might need a little help. You don't know what to say right now, do you?

There's just sometimes I'm really excited about the questions, and then there's sometimes I'm like, I hope they can take this and run with it. This is professional podcasting. Yeah. Letting people know. Stay tuned. We might need some help. We've been dealt a bad hand of cards, but we're pulling a flush.

All right. John from the website has a bad question for us. How does bad hand of cards turn into a flush? That's what I want to know at the end of this podcast. Other than cheating. That's what I... That's my point. of this podcast other than cheating that's my point and now I've got four aces I've got an excuse for if this whole

show goes sideways we have a fall guy that's for sure it's going to be great keep listening the man who dealt the 2-7 alright would you rather eat only vegan food for the rest of your life or have your wife sound like Fran Drescher for the rest of your life or have your wife sound like Fran Drescher for the rest of your life.

Okay. Can somebody do a Fran Drescher for us? Isn't it like that? No. Fran Drescher. All right. It's real nasally. It's New York, right?

Yes. And hey, hey, hey. Something like that. Yeah. Jason. Jason. What's amazing. Oh, york accent for for friend dresser is i mean that's like the signature thing that people know about her the first thing you think about friend dresser is the voice the voice she was on the nanny and her voice

is that's the only thing you think about what that's the only thing you think well i mean she's like what's the second thing if the first thing she is a funny gal okay but my point is the first thing you think about is the voice and she still made it like she had a very successful career we know who she is yes we're at this question makes sense to us so maybe there's are you are you arguing here that perhaps there's the world where your wife is funnier or more entertaining or more of a character with that voice? Maybe she can make it as your wife with the Fran Dresser voice. I am saying that there is a world of people who actually, like, they're into that voice. And you are not one of them. It's not for me.

It's not for me. It's not for me. So eating vegan food, also not for me. I get it. Both of these things are not for me. You want to have the vegan food, that's fine. I just I like the meats

and the dairies and the ice creams. So the nanny show ran from 1993 to 1999. That's a good run. She's known for her nasal voice and the ice creams. So the nanny show ran from 1993 to 1999. That's a good run. She's known for her nasal voice and New York accent. Yeah. Oh, so the second thing would be the New York accent. So both of the first things you think are just her voice.

What would happen if Gilbert Gottfried. Forget about it. Gilbert Gottfried and Fran Drescher. Had a baby? Had a child. New languages invented. Just this morning, my son asked my wife. He said, they're talking about different languages that different countries speak.

And he said, well, how do you make a new one? That's how. That's how you make a new language. So when I look at questions like this, because I'm with you. They call it pain. I don't want either of these outcomes, right? And so my wife has started a pescatarian. What's the diet?

The fish diet. Yeah. Is that the one where you eat only dinosaurs? Yeah. Well, you can. So she's eating no meat other than she's allowing fish. So if we go out for sushi or something, But it's a plant-based diet with fish. But the only meat she will eat now is fish.

Right. Currently on this diet. Maybe you only eat raccoons. Maybe that's what that is. Oh, very gamey. Here's what we have found out. Full of trash. And I'm sure that plenty of vegans and vegetarians.

Now, what is she, an Episcopalian? Is that what you said? I think so. I think that's the word. Ap Episcopalian? Is that what you said? I think so. I think that's the word. Apocalypsipalian? Yes. There you go. Thank you, Mike.

What we found out is that wherever we go, there's nothing good to eat. There's just nothing good to eat. How's the diet going? It's fine. It's good. We live in a desert. It's a strange call. I live in a desert. Fish only a strange call. I live in a desert.

Fish only. My primary protein should be fish. But it's weird because I feel like if you were just eating vegetarian and you're not looking for the fish, it's easier. It's just saying, oh, because we live in a desert. I just Googled people that eat only lizards because whatever they're called. Is that a thing? No, it isn't actually. But that's what she could be out here.

Yeah. So yes, he's right. Lizards and geckos. My point here is that it is very difficult. You're going to have to catch a lot of any sort of a meal. Sorry, Jason. To eat a vegan diet. Yeah.

No, it's very strict it's very difficult but there's an upside right you'll lose weight i would lose i don't know if you listening would lose i know you changed my diet to a plant-based diet is it because you're not eating it's because i'm not eating as much for sure my problem with plants is that it's so much work. I've always complained about the chew quantity. You have to chew so much longer on plants. But then like a steak? Yeah. Well, okay, Mike, maybe a steak is at the same level, but a burger I can throw back real quick before I eat a carrot.

Well, that's because it's ground beef. I mean, take a salad and chop it all up. No, salads take forever to eat. Yeah, salads take forever. You're not doing the one bite and swallow a salad and mike i believe it's scientific oh because i believe that the you have to break down the cells of a plant in your mouth yeah and it's harder it's harder the cells of a plant like i believe that they're um trump not yet i can just swallow mac and cheese the mitosis you can drink mac

and cheese you're not swallowing a salad anyway where were we hold on friend dresser there's no upside to my wife sounding like fran yeah i'll take the vegan food so i'm gonna lose weight with vegan diet you have to contend with a cell wall with plant cells. You've got to break it down. So I don't know if that really applies to chewing. I see. But maybe the enzyme. Look, it takes me half an hour to eat a carrot is what I'm trying to say. And it does not take me that much time to eat a Snickers bar.

That's all I'm saying. That's fair. That's fair. I will go with the, i think i can get by with the vegan food yeah i think i could do that i could do it all right shelly from the website would you rather drive a car with a broken speedometer or a broken gas gauge why not both my first car oh gosh you're gonna tell this story aren't you yes because you tried to sell me this car you animal wait what this is a true story it had no head oh gosh so my first car

was a 1982 toyota tercel you could call it blue but all the paint was gone yeah i gotta look this up oh it's bad um and the roof liner yeah the headliner was gone so if you touch the ceiling it's sticky it's just like fly paper on the top. There was no radio. Any flies? There was no air conditioning. There was no gas gauge. My gas gauge was a pad of paper that I wrote down the mileage, and I'd always fill it up all the way, and then I'd go, I can get about 300 miles. So I'd look at this and say, what's my odometer? That is actually, that's smart.

That's very responsible of you. Thank you. I feel like Jason nowadays would have just thrown the car out. I can't believe you did this. It leaked so much oil that I at all times had a box of oil containers in the back. And so every two or three trips, what I would do, you don't have to change the oil because you change it all the time. I would just get out, open the oil, and I'd pour more oil in.

So you're just changing oil every two days. At all times. He tried to sell me this car as my first car. Good enough for me, good enough for you. I tried to talk my own dad into letting me buy that car because you had sold it so well. How much money were you spending on oil?

I worked at Staples. Incalculable. I was like 16 years old. oh it was it was i worked at staples incalculable i was like 16 years old i had a part-time job at staples and i saved all my money and my parents buy oil oh so i have no idea i want the broken speedometer i think i can just keep up with the cars around me get a good i got a good sense of the road what do i need a speedometer for i can tell when i'm going too fast or too slow i don't know whenever whenever you're driving and all of a sudden you see him you you see the car you see that officer on the side of the road oh immediately all the fear all the panic uh goes over your head and i need to know the exact mileage i'm going i need to know am i going six over seven over

seven deal you don't look around what how you don't look around and make sure you're just keeping up? What if there's no one there? But if all the traffic. Drop it down, baby. All the traffic. He's going to get pulled over. Sir, do you know how fast you were going? Officer, I really don't know.

You were going 15 miles an hour on the freeway, sir. I was flying. Apologies. I have no speedometer. I remember when I was young, feeling like that would be an acceptable excuse. I don't have a speedometer. My speedometer doesn't work.

And they'd be like, oh, well, in that case, see you later. I didn't know I couldn't do that. Right. Basically. I feel like I already... Have you had a speeding ticket, Mike? I have. Okay.

I was just curious who wins the total around here. Jason, you have five? Is that five? No, Jason wins. Oh, he raised his hand. No, I have had... I had my car impounded once for... I believe they call it criminal speeding. You're proud of this, are you? I'm not proud, but

it happened. I've had two tickets in my life. One of them was one of those ridiculous speed traps where you're on basically a freeway. The speed drops by about 10 miles an hour for a stretch of a half a mile. Did you go fight it? No. Did you say, Your Honor, this is ridiculous? No.

I mean, can you fight it? Yes. Even though you were actually over the speed limit? Yeah, you can definitely try to fight it, whether you'll win or not. I mean, it's your right. You can fight. I've seen Good Will Hunting. But I could take the class for that one.

So I just took the old eight-hour traffic class. Are you looking at me wondering if you quoted the right movie? Because I'm pretty sure there's no lawyers in Good Will Hunting, isn't there? Good Will Hunting. He gets himself out of all sorts of legal problems by quoting lawyers. Lawyers of the past. I don't know. He's super smart. I saw

a different movie. You can't handle the truth. I've had at least two I've had two speeding tickets, but they're all like years ago. But then I got caught on the two. I've had two speeding tickets, but they're all like years ago. But then I got caught on the cameras. They installed the cameras out here. Oh, when we had the speed cameras. And it was like five in one month.

Those just go right in the shredder, though, right? No comment. No, Jason, because they don't ever show up. Yes, that's what I mean. I've never seen those. In theory, I received five in one month. But those are not considering the cars around you if everybody on the freeway is going the same speed they're snapping 30 pictures i had back when we had those ponzi scheme no what's ridiculous about those cameras i had uh back when i was in night school and coming home i knew where they all were i mean i after my like bigger ticket i'm not really

a speeder so i'm not i'm going five over i think and it flashes me so now i'm in i'm the only car around so it was definitely my car that caused the flash to go off so So now I have anxiety. I can't control adrenaline in my body. So now I'm freaking out. I have to tell my wife how I have another speeding ticket, even though I wasn't really speeding, and I have to wait for this thing to show up. So I had anxiety problems for days because of this stupid machine. Did it ever show up?

No. No, it didn't. So the point is these machines are garbage and unconstitutional and cause people panic attacks. But you have a right to face your accuser. So if that machine shows up in my house, you better... Beep, bop, boop, beep. I caught you. I saw you.

I remember... Bet you were freaked out, weren't you? Got you again. You guys are so silly. That's what a... How what a camera talk, Jason. Yeah, give me the best camera voice. All shutter. Yeah, classic.

It can't do that many repetitions. He's the friend dresser of cameras. All right, move on. I remember in high school, as soon as I replaced, I went from the 1982 toyota torsel to which i looked it up that is that's a classy car it's very classy to a i believe it was a 270 they call that a chick magnet in high school my next car was it was i think it was a 270z t-top convertible sports car manuals great how many speeding tickets in that one so more than one but there was there was one moment where i was what they would say criminally and everything's in quotes like normal factual words are in quotes now and i'm and children don't do this don't don't be dumb like i was

you pay the price and i was flying through traffic and this was on regular this wasn't on the freeway because you were so cool and you're i was so cool my t-top i'm flying in and out in and out in and out of traffic just hated people like you peoria and and way back in the in my rearview mirror i see so far back lights, just police lights coming. And so I'm like, that better not be for me because I was not doing legal things. And so I pull off into this neighborhood. Oh, you try to hide? And I zigzag through the neighborhood and I stop my car.

And I'm like, oh my gosh, that was scary. Did you pull into a driveway at least? No. And run? I always heard that was the strategy is you pull into a driveway at least? No. And run? I did. I always heard that was the strategy is you pull in and put the seat back. Yeah. So I pull over.

Because he's not going to recognize the car. That's correct. Hey, it might be a different car. There's no one there. It can't be the same car. I swear to you, it was 30 seconds later that the cop pulls up behind me. Yeah, you should have left the car. Lights flashing.

And at this age, my license then gets suspended until I'm 21. Wait, that really happened? All of this really happened. And I'm like, I'm freaking out. And at this age, I'm going to have to go home and tell. What's your age? I was probably 17, 18. So I was still living at home.

So I'm going to have to go home and tell mommy. Oh, no. I lost my license. Oh, no. I lost my license. Oh, no. And out walks Officer Rodriguez from I was a dare role model. And he was the dare officer. And I got off scot-free. That wasn't the time I got my car impounded for criminal speeding.

Hold on. Didn't learn my lesson. Hold on. What does this conversation sound like oh it was it was uh did he what did he address you by name yeah and so he knew you right away he gave it to me he gave me the business but he knew i was a good kid and you were a dare role model and he i was a good kid i never got in trouble with anything. Did he tell you how cool your T-top was? Other than this lady. What is happening?

What is happening? A look into my life. Because of the T-top. I feel like this tape could get submitted and you could get like four citations tomorrow. So anyways. This is a fictional podcast. I'm going to need that speedometer. Okay. Okay. Okay, yeah, we learned that.

I'll write down my mileage and fill up the gas every 300 miles. Oh, Mike, which one are you taking? Can we get a fan on in here? I don't know. Wait, what's the question? Are you taking a broken speedometer or a broken gas gauge? Speedometer. Speedometer, I'll handle it.

I'm with you. I'll just go with the flow of traffic. I feel like I have at least... I can engage at least a little bit if I'm on my own. Yeah. And go a little bit under, whatever. Cruising. Being safe.

We're patient people. We're in our 30s. We don't got nowhere to be. All right. Just get an electric vehicle. I was going to go to... No gas gauge. I was going to go to that.

It's a great question, but I read this this next one it's just too good to visualize uh somebody wrote in from youtube they said would you rather always have to use the bathroom with the toilet seat missing that's just funny man because yeah sure it works for number onesies so you get but you go number two you got big skinny you go you got big skinny and you're double dipping possibly you're going you're on big skinny and you are wide oh you're i mean you're real wide you're either wide or you're facing the wall you know what i mean you're going you're going saddle or always have to use one ply toilet paper oh what one ply now obviously you're we're sophisticated enough.

We're smart enough to turn that one-ply into two-ply into three-ply into four-ply. It's a matter of folding. It's just folding. Back in high school, we had a- Oh, no. What'd you get arrested for now? Officer Rodriguez. Let me tell you about Officer Rodriguez.

No, back in high school- Big skinny. Big skinny. We had an assignment where we had to argue for a new law. We had to implement a new law. And my law that I implemented was the illegalization of one-ply toilet paper. All right. Because hotels and restaurants and places that are just looking at the bottom dollar.

Not the bottom. Exactly. Why would they not have one ply? The only reason is because it's illegal, and it should be. That's disgusting, and I will gladly straddle that seat backwards. Here's the tip. Here's the tip. If you're traveling, bring one roll of your favorite toilet paper.

Andy does this everywhere we go. I do, and I pass this on to my friends. And then when you're done, you leave it as a gift to the next person who has that room. If that is a disease you bring this along, it is one that all should catch. And I am happy to be afflicted because TPitis, you bring Charmin Ultra Soft. You say your favorite, but that's everybody's favorite. It's always Charmin Ultra Soft. Hashtag not a sponsor yet.

Should be. Because when you fold that thing but that's always charming ultra soft hashtag not a sponsor yet should be but because when you fold that thing that's like 70 plus 70 that's a clogged toilet you only need one sheet all right we all want to wipe with a full pillow that's what i'm saying just we go through one pillow to stuff it in there flush it down it has a shredder yeah inside of the toilet so wait if you don't have a toilet seat, number two problems. I mean, that's a problem because sometimes, yeah, it's a pleasant visit to the toilet. Sometimes you're going in.

Sometimes it's, wait, what? Oh, you're going to go in. If the seat is not there and you misgaged, must beware. The wide stance, you're going down, man. I think we've all had one of those midnight, someone left the toilet seat up. Oh, and you try to sit on it. You sit down. You're going down, man. I think we've all had one of those midnight, someone left the toilet seat up. Oh, and you try to sit on it.

You sit down. Definitely. You going in. I like it when someone left the seat up in my bathroom. Some man of the house was like, didn't put the seat down. And you go for full. Now, you put full weight on that seat. Splash down.

You're going splash down. Now, here's the truth, Mike. You know that it wasn't me because I don't ever stand up. Oh, that's true. Yeah, Pea Sitters unite. Yeah. All right. I wasn't me because I don't ever stand up. That's true. Yeah, peace hitters unite. Yeah. All right. I'm proud of it.

One ply is not okay. So we're talking about something that is on. Look, toilet seat missing, terrible. One ply, Geneva Convention violation. 100%. War crime. Yes, war crime. So I'm going to go ahead and always go with the seat missing,

and I'll figure it out. The problem is I'll bring a couple boards with me. I can only speak to experience with the one-play. I've had the one-play. How's that treating you? Look, it's not great, but I've never had to drop a do with the seat missing. You can try it tonight. You just lift it up, see what happens.

I think all three of us need to do this for an experiment. Even though I already picked that one. I'll go in on that pact. All right. Here's the problem with one ply. It's not that you can fold it. You can see it's only one ply. If you fold it, that doesn't make it two ply because it still feels like sandpaper.

One ply is so rough that you can fold it and it's just basically like... Yeah, why do they let people make it with plastic now? That's how it feels like. It's more like sheet metal. Sheets of paper. That's what it... It's like basically like yeah why do they let people make it with plastic now that's how it feels like it's more like sheet metal sheets of paper that's what it it's like it is it's kind of printer paper it's paper but it's not clothy it's he's saying it's paper it's like you're it's eight and a half by eleven off the printer yeah i don't know all right let's get some great questions. That's a great question. All right. At what age do you consider someone to be old?

What does old mean? So it's clearly a moving target. Yes. The older we get. Is that why? It's never going to be me. Like ever. When I'm 80, it it's gonna be 100 i so i i wouldn't i don't think

that's true but then i know for sure that old to me when i was growing up was 40 40 is old 40 is like that's when i remember my mom having like an over the hill birthday party black balloons everywhere you're 40 and i'm like oh man that's terrible what an old lady but i feel like the as you move forward in your age yeah you, the sliding scale actually shrinks. The moving target, it still exists, but it gets shorter and shorter. And then eventually you look in the mirror and say, holy crap, I'm old. I love that you two are my friends and that I have many friends just two to three years older than me. That you two are my friends and that I have many friends just two to three years older than me. It has always been Papa Josh around the studio here, 42 years old.

What an old man. And I love it because whatever age I am, he is always seven years older than I am. And it's so comforting to know. Is your wife older or younger? Just a month older. Ah! Yeah, yeah. Yes.

Your solace that you take with your friends is me with my wife. Yeah. Because she's what? 61, 62? She has now publicly been 40 for about four years. Okay. But this is the year, right? Yeah.

This is the year that it actually happens. That she turns 50. Yeah, got it. Yeah. That's what I told her. I'm bumping it up. Medicaid is on its way. Yes.

You can apply for benefits. The ARP letters are coming in. But, I mean, the truth is it's a sliding scale with history, too, right? Like old age in the 1800s doesn't mean the same thing as it does now. It's also a sliding scale with like, you know, when I was younger, my dad- Are we running the air now? Is that what we're doing? Yes.

It's hot? Yeah. Me and Big Gravy are hot over here. I like it. Big Gravy. hot over here. I like it. Big Gravy. I mean, what were we talking about? I got distracted with Gravy. How old is the sliding scale of being old?

Oh, yeah, the sliding scale. So like when I was young. I got distracted by Gravy. If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted by Gravy. Four dollars. I'd pay my speeding tickets. When I was a young boy, my dad was old. Now, whatever, 20 years later,

I don't feel like my dad's an old man. I agree. My parents aren't old. He's 20 years older than he was, but yet he's not older than he used to be. So this is a silly question because but what do you consider like if you 70 okay 70 is like you're an old man so if a 68 year old man walked up and was like what's up you'd be like young buck young buck but or is it proportionate to like i mean

so the early grayer or the early bald or the early unable to do physical things. Isn't that part of being old? Oh, my gosh. I just realized my dad's turning 70 this year. Oh, your dad's an old man. But I don't feel like he's an old man. The question is, how does he feel? Push it down. I don't think he feels like an old man.

No, I don't think he feels. He doesn't feel or act or look like what I envision a 70-year-old man. Age really is just a number. Hold on. What's a 70-year-old man? You in your head the avatar. Okay, grayed out hair. Okay.

That is only on the sides. You got the back ring, right? Yeah, back ring. No hair on the top, grayed out. Glasses? Sure, glasses are fine. Maybe he's got them around the neck hanging there. Maybe he doesn't wear them around the neck hanging there.

Maybe he doesn't wear them all the time. Definitely bifocals. What color? The pants are up way too high. Is this Easter colors only? This is khaki. It's khakis only. 100% khaki only pants. They could be khaki shorts.

Has to be a belt. And it's so high that it's uncomfortable for all around. Velcro shoes? Velcro? But they're wanting to stay young, so they got the Hawaiian shirt. You know what I mean? A Hawaiian shirt? Some kind of.

No. Because retirement, you're always on vacation. They're looking young. They're wanting to be hip with it. When you're on vacation, do you wear Hawaiian shirts? No, because we're not old. Some people do, man. You want to make a new law.

That's a law. No Hawaiian shirts. So that's my vision. So I'm going to go with. Antiques. I'm going to go with 70 law. That's a law. No Hawaiian shirts. So that's my vision. So I'm going to go with... Antiques. I'm going to go with 70. I feel like... Yeah.

The number is 70, but more important is the visual I just created. Yeah. What about you guys? That's fair. How old are you, Jay? I'm 37. 37. Oh, no!

Yeah, I agree with you, Mike. That makes sense. Okay. All right. What is one thing you... Oh, crap. I think I agree with you, Mike. That makes sense. Okay. All right. What is one thing you- Oh, crap. I think I'm- How old am I?

I don't even know anymore. I think you're 36. I'm not 37 yet. Excellent. All right. I'm skipping this one. Before we get into our draft, I want to get through another great question at least, maybe two.

Is peeing in the shower disgusting or efficient? One of the both. It's efficient. Okay. It's efficient? It's efficient. Okay. It's efficient. Now, look, built into this great question is an admission of guilt. You don't need to feel guilty. Here's the thing.

Pee in that shower. Well, if it's yours, yeah. Yes. Other people's is disgusting. What if you're at like a gym? You're at LA Fitness and the little shower stalls there. Wait, are you wearing sandals? Well, I don't know

what I'm wearing or what the other people are wearing. Not my problem. That's my point. You can't pee there. Look, no. If you're going into an LA Fitness shower without sandals on. You're saying that's on you. That's on you. So you're saying take proper precautions for what people do in the shower.

Also, the pee is not going to do anything to you because it's sterile. Yeah, pee is sterile. And it's fine. You know, you're not peeing honey. It's not sticking everywhere. You're going straight down the drain. Also, if you are peeing honey, see a doctor immediately. If your urine is sticky, get help. Or make a new company.

Or have a cup of tea, whatever. But basically, I've never thought it was that disgusting. That's perfectly fine. I don't think it's gross either. Oh, I thought we were going to disagree on this one. Now, I'm not, for goodness sakes, don't hear what I'm not saying on this one. But the peeing in the pool thing that happens. Oh, that's off limits.

No, no, no. You can't pee in the pool. A hundred percent, I agree. But I'm trying to get to the logical end here. Unless you're outside the pool. Where you're saying pee is sterile. Yeah. Also, the pool's filled with chlorine.

Yes. Which means that by definition, that pee is not doing nothing to nobody in a bad way. Sure it is. If you think that mental health... I'm not saying you should... If you're saying that mental health is not a real thing, because I am mentally really hurt by feeling your warmth near me. It's not just feeling, though.

Wait, I'm not saying you're not getting close proximity. But it doesn't matter. That's when you swim to the other end, and you're like, I'm going to go for a little lap ski. But it dissipates. And now, I get it. I feel like it's also kind of in your swimming trunks then. It's sterile.

Yeah, but peeing in the ocean is 100%. Oh, that's totally fine. That's the best. That's great. Peeing in the ocean is. Is it because of the currents bringing it back out to the waves? All the animals are peeing in the water. But the thing about peeing in the pool is now there is a chance that your pee goes

in my mouth that's true i'm opening my eyes underwater no thank you i pee in your shower what's the worst it's like i could literally leave a pool and the worst thing that happens is you step in my pee okay real quick thoughoping in the pool. What do you guys think? That's okay. That's totally fine. We lie. We have pool parties in the summer and we lie to all the kids and we tell them we have a chemical in the pool. If you pee, it will turn blue all around

you and we will know. Was that ever a real thing? I don't know. Borland, can you bet and see if that's a thing? Because if that's a thing, I'll add it to my pool. Oh my gosh, I'll bring the blue food coloring in and I'll just be spraying it around the kids. What happens when it's your kids and it's just your family? Oh, that's great. That just

means I get to punish them. That's great. Okay. That's when, obviously, the punishment is if they're taking a bath. Ipso facto. And we're not saying it's not okay to pee everywhere in the shower. You're not peeing on the walls. You pee in my pool.

I pee in your pool. That's right. And that's a bathtub. Oh, no. This is going off the rails. Does not exist. So, wait, that chemical is always made up to make people afraid of peeing in the pool. does not exist. So wait, that chemical is always made up to make people afraid of being in the

pool. A 2015 report from the National Swimming Pool Foundation called this the most common pool myth of all time. Nice! With nearly half of Americans surveyed believing that it actually existed. It's a good fear to have. It's a good fear to get out there. Like, it's a good propaganda. Yeah. That's the

kind of propaganda I want. That's good propaganda. That's good propaganda. Anything that means, like, let's's good propaganda anything that means like i mean let's start spreading the propaganda that like passing gas in the car it's a red gas that comes out because there's a chemical in the air of my car i mean let's start stopping people from doing that in and of itself that propaganda that myth is in and of itself a great invention. Sometimes a great invention is just an idea. And this idea has stopped countless children

from peeing. What about all the criminals it's created? When the kids pee in the pool and they say, you're a big fat liar. Yeah, they're like, I can get away with anything.

And now I'm a criminal. Watch me speed. Yeah. How many pools did you pee in? Oh, a bunch as a kid, didn't you? No, no, no, no. I've always been an anti-pool peer. 100%.

That's off limits. Because Mike just illustrated it perfectly. That was so funny, Mike. That could go in your mouth. It's unacceptable. Even if it's sterile, I don't need to pee in my mouth. Even if it's sterile, I don't need to pee in my mouth. That's one of my big...

That's right. Well said, Andy. Let's move on. One of my big... That's right. Well said, Andy. Let's move on. The Spitballers Draft. I feel like I owe my parents an apology.

I owe more than my parents an apology. Welcome to our draft for the episode. We are drafting Disney princesses. Wait a minute. Is this a battle royale? Yes. Yes, it is. I had no idea. Oh, my goodness royale? Yes. Yes, it is. I had no idea.

Oh, my goodness. What an idiot. Oh, my gosh. This is a battle royale. Yes, it's a battle royale. We've been talking about this all day. These princesses are going to fight to the death. This whole time, I knew that we were doing a Disney princess draft.

I assumed we were just drafting princesses. Princesses. No, we are. That's it. That's what it is. But these princesses now have to fight each other. Yeah. And I'm the number one.

We'll see you. We're back in the car. I'm Elsa. Dang it. Oh, that's the clear number one. Well, look, I had a totally different pick for just like Disney princesses. Well, we were talking before, and I said there's a clear 101. And you're like, no, I talked to five people.

Don't worry. And I'm like, there's not five different options for the 101. There's Elsa and that's it. Okay. Yeah. Elsa. Elsa's who I want leading the charge for my Disney princesses. That is the 101 I was hoping somehow.

Oh, I was terrified that when I said it, you guys would be like, you totally missed. No. Gandalf the princess. The genie from Aladdin. Yeah. Gandalf the princess the genie from Aladdin yeah I mean the truth is I guess I'm glad you got it because your next pick is further than Mike's and if Mike

yeah I think having two picks it screws mine up is better because I know what the next two picks should be yeah I do too I know what the pick after that should be but I don't get to get it theoretically. We'll see if Jason can get the answer right.

But these next two princesses, we're talking. I also feel like I'm at a disadvantage, by the way. What, with your ice powers? No, no, no. Just the fact that you guys have a more deep, diverse Disney knowledge. That's true. Not that Elsa's not the bomb and will win no matter what you pick. Yeah.

I feel like we can shut it down right now. But we will keep going for the exercise. So I got two ladies who I think are both awesome. They're both great for the Battle Royale. And I'm going to take Mulan because she is a warrior princess. She was so B.A. Never heard of her. That she infiltrated a man's army, showed them how to do work.

Incredible warrior. She was the first one that popped into my head before I remember. Taking care of the Huns. Now, she's got a sword, right? That's a pretty important thing for a battle royale. Yeah, you'll be able to chop some of the ice away that I'm impaling you with. Yeah. I mean, the cool thing is the sword's not going to get to me, Mike,

because I'm shooting from a distance because Merida and her bow and her bravery. That is the correct pick. She is awesome. See, I didn't know. I don't know how far your ice can go, but my bow could probably go farther. I've never seen that movie. You've never seen Brave?

You've never seen Brave? Is it good? It's fantastic. Fantastic. Does it belong in the pantheon of all the others 100 look here's the thing we we were talking about this before the show well really i was asking i'm like do pixar princesses count because i 100 think that they should count they disney seems to count them like if you see wreck and ralph uh the second one

they go into the room, all the princesses are there, and she is there. She counts to me. But she's actually Pixar, which goes to my point of, it's a Pixar movie. You ever seen a bad Pixar movie, Andy? No. You ever seen a Pixar movie where you're like, that sucked? No.

No. And that's Brave. Brave is phenomenal. It's great. So put that on your short list to watch. Now the draft really starts. We're going like one round, right? Oh, no.

We're going 12 deep here. Guys, I'm going to make some terrible picks very soon. Here's what will be interesting is whatever worst picks he gets paired with Elsa, is she enough to overcome? Yes. Or can we put together a team that can win? You're also fighting each other, just so you're aware. Yes.

Well, no, we're teaming up. All right, you've got another pick, Jay. I do, and I think this one is easy for me because to me, she's the next tier. Mike is literally terrified right now. Similar to Merida in that she's strong, courageous, but she's also got a little bit on her side. You've got ice, right?

I got the water on my side. I'm taking Moana. Oh, okay, okay. I got the power of the oceans with me. Moana was my backup pick. All right. So interesting because I'm well-versed in these princesses. Backup pick at like right now?

For right here, yeah. So you got what you wanted. I did. Jason did not take the princess that I wanted to take. Because look, when you're building a team, right? Like when you play an MMO, you know that you need certain classes of characters. Who's your tank? No, I'm not taking a tank.

So I have my DPS. I have my damage. I'm going to take someone who can damage and can also heal with her magic hair. I will be taking Rapunzel. So she heals with the hair? Yes. I'm learning. This is a learning experience for me.

Go ahead and impale me with your spikes because Rapunzel with her hair, that's also a weapon. She also gets her frying pan, by the way. Oh, come on. The frying pan comes with. It's an accessory in the action figure, probably. She inspired countless men that they need to start fighting with a frying pan. But her hair...

Cast iron. Yes. Her hair heals, brings people back from the dead. I'm all in. Okay. She would have been my pick in about two rounds. Just to be clear, because I remember this coming up in previous Battle Royales in the Coliseum. You went with the water there, Jay.

Is that right? I went with. Is that. No. I went with. Oh, justice. Moana. I remember when I took King Trident or whatever.

That I got smoked in the. Yes. Wait. It's not like Moana only lives in the water like King Triton. For her water powers. No, I didn't. Listen, roll it back. I said she's strong, she's courageous, she's brave.

You said, quote, you've got your ice, I've got my water. Yeah, you're darn right. Although, hold on. Can she control? She's friends with the ocean, so she doesn't actually control the ocean. She's friends with the ocean so she doesn't actually control the ocean she's friends with yeah the ocean protects her she can't she can't like manipulate the ice like the ocean's trying to help her but she's in a coliseum inland and it can't get there the ocean's gonna get there it's coming over the top tidal wave that just takes everybody out but

but i'm gonna be honest with you guys i'm out out. So, look, I'm going to take them based on probably – I'm just going to go with what I think is best. I'll take Jasmine. Okay. Because I think there's a peripheral chance that the genie shows up to help me out. See, honestly. And she's got the tiger. That was my biggest question.

She gets a mount. If I was going to draft – Yeah, that one. She's mounting. She gets a mount if i was gonna drive yeah that one she's mounted she gets the mount she can ride uh the tiger i if i ended up drafting jasmine i was gonna try and make the argument that i get raja so along with the fight against you two thirds mike said he made the argument i made no he said he would have i had mike what do you think should he get the time no absolutely no way no pets No pets. No Raja. Only weapons.

Did you not get a frying pan? They're the same. My mount. Your mount. And then is Pocahontas considered a Disney? Yes, 100%. She's a Disney princess, right? Yes, and Pocahontas is a great pick.

I was so prepared for this draft, and I'm starting to be like, uh-oh. All right, so I've got Elsa. Yeah. for this draft and I'm starting to be like, uh oh. Alright, so I've got Elsa. I've got Jasmine. I've got Pocahontas. I'm not feeling so bad for the guy that doesn't feel as... Mike knows all their powers a little bit better. Take Aurora.

No. Go take a nap. But now I have... Go to sleep. I won now I have... Nap powers. Go to sleep. I won't shoot you with my bow. I have put myself into a corner by voting against the tiger. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Because I was going to draft this princess for her mount. I figured Jasmine got the magic carpet too, right? So we've all got mounts. Oh, man. Except for the guy with the ocean. All right. I'm still going to take her, though.

I'm going to take... It's not necessarily vote getter for the public, but it makes sense to me. I'm going to take Princess Vanellope. I'm going to take her from Wreck-It Ralph. She's got speed. She's got bravery. She's got intelligence. Doesn't have the name value because i don't know that's what i said i said i'll kick her right off the i mean no but that's what i

thought no look the tiger is the tiger's back in the tiger's back in because i'm taking my go-kart oh come on that's your mount your mount is the go-kart that means i've got you get the tiger no yes andy i vote for your tiger all right cool the tiger is out race car yes no i don't allow it also get a magic carpet oh my goodness no way all right so you have to make your final two picks no pressure good i know you have a laundry list oh man this is so now now on the polls took mo, well, because she's phenomenal. And also the movie is electric. You're not posting. Like, when the polls go up, you're not actually saying, like, with the tiger.

Vanellope with car? No. Okay, good. Because I was like, do I have to draft? I was curious if I had to draft Snow White here to get the seven dwarves. Because, I mean, if you get those, then I've got my team getting in here. No, no, no. Let's I've got my team getting in here. No, no, no.

Let's bring this back to reality. All right. It's just these princesses. Just Moana and a sand dune. Going to war. All right. Oh, man. First up, I'm taking Anna because I think that puts me at an advantage.

It's a counterpick. I might get sympathetic. Yeah. Oh, Elsa, go ahead. Kill your sister on purpose. She almost did. I mean, she almost did. I might get sympathetic. Yeah. Oh, Elsa, go ahead. Kill your sister on purpose. Not happen. She almost did. I mean, she don't.

That was an accident. Yeah, it was an accident. And then she. Come on, accident. So, all right. So I've got Anna as the counter. And now here's where we start getting into the tier of. I'm looking them up right now.

Of which kind, nice, sweet, wonderful princess is going to go in there and tear it up? Just be awesome. Because you're now into the very, very sweet and kind. You're into more of what I'll call the bait princesses. Yeah. Someone has to go stand there. This is your tank. Look, all of these Disney stories, generally, they're rescue hero stories.

You need someone in trouble. That's this princess. This is to inspire the rest of your team? This is to inspire the rest of the team. Oh, mercy. And nothing inspires the rest of the team like Belle. Jason? Yeah.

Yeah. All right. At this point, because they're all so wonderful and I like them all, I'm between two. You have two? I've got two options here that I'm between. There are only two left. No. And I'm going to go with popularity here.

Of course you are. Well, because there's no skill between any of these that is going to be like, well, she's got magical powers and a frying pan. And healing hair. I'm going with Ariel because she's super popular. You're into the ocean? Look, Moana and Ariel, once we win this fight, we're going to go out for a great time. Once global warming really hits and the water levels rise and this coliseum gets filled with water.

Watch out. I'll just freeze it all. All right. So I guess my team. Yeah, give us your final team. My team is Moana, Merida, Ana, and Ariel. Okay. Two Ms, two As.

Ooh, nicely done. Excellent balance. Big L. All right. I am stuck in the similar position here to Jason that just do take name value. But to harken back to Wreck-It Ralph yet again, this princess takes off her shoe because it's made out of glass. And she breaks it and turns it into a shank. Because it's made out of glass.

And she breaks it and turns it into a shank. So I get at least some sort of a weapon here in the way that I'm thinking about this. And she's got name value. I will take Cinderella and her fairy godmother. I was between Cinderella and Ariel. And the only thought I had was that I just hoped that the fairy godmother would show up and protect me, and you're a pumpkin, and you're a pumpkin. However, Mike, you better hope that

this fight don't go past midnight. I don't think it will last longer than about 10 minutes. It's starting at midnight. It starts at 1155. It's starting at midnight. The fairy godmother still has her powers. So Mike has Mulan, Rapunzel, Princess Penelope, and55. Starting at midnight. Listen. The fairy godmother still has her powers. So Mike has Mulan, Rapunzel, Princess Penelope, and Cinderella.

Penelope. Oh. It's a V. Well, not according to what Al Borland wrote into the doc. Al Borland's CMU. Who also. Hans Solo. Hans.

He put Hans Solo with an S. Booby. Hans Solo. Hans Gruber Solo. All right. Not Hans Solo. He gets all of the Han. He gets Hans. He gets Gruber Solo. Not Hans Solo. He gets all of the Han. He gets Hans.

All right. Mulan, Rapunzel, Princess, Vanellope, Cinderella. I have Elsa, Jasmine, Pocahontas. I've got one surprise sneaky pick. We're not going to win. I've got a really sneaky pick, and I want to know if it's okay. Okay. Oh, wait.

I go back. Disney's is Tinkerbell. Yeah. I can take Tinkerbell? I think she is. Yeah. No. She's got the chicken.

We're flying, baby. She's also the size of your pinky nail. Hey, the most dangerous animal in the world is a mosquito, Mike. I mean, to be fair. More deaths caused by mosquitoes. To be fair, she was an official Disney princess until she was replaced by Tiana as the ninth princess. Ooh.

Wait, there's official list? There is. All right, give me Belle. Give me Belle. The beast will show up. He'll come flying into the Coliseum. I feel so bad for Belle. She's so useless.

Hey, she's got bookmarks. Yeah, I guess. Right? That's true. I mean, that won't help you in a fight. Sorry, you're intelligent. Do I get Tinkerbell or not? Al, it's up to you.

If she was an official Disney princess, I'd say let's give it to her. I'm taking Tinkerbell. Dude, this is going to be the most lopsided vote of all time. That was a good sneaky pick, right? That was good. I thought about it. Okay. I meant to try with

my last pick to get you guys to allow me to have Nala. Because I wanted a lion in there and just, let's go, girls! That's not a bad loophole that you didn't exploit. But no. She's not a princess. She was a queen.

Never a princess. Never a princess. I know. And I knew you were doing that. Tinkerbell was. Tinkerbell was a princess. Yep, never a princess. Never a princess, I know. And I knew you were doing that. Tinkerbell was. Tinkerbell was a princess. Maybe. She was never a princess. I don't know her lore. It's dumb.

We're going to lose, Mike. It doesn't matter. You drafted the Ice Queen. That could be the way that I throw away this draft, though. If somebody starts taking... When I said 10 minutes, I meant this fight's over in about 30 seconds. Can we do Tinkerbell, but then the bell part is bell, and then I can get them combined? Ooh, no.

Tinkerbell with an E on the end? Yeah. Very nice. He'll write it that way anyway. He'll spell it out. All right. That's it for this episode of the show. What did we learn today?

Oh, my gosh. I learned that Jason is a wanted felon, that there are over 40 warrants out for his arrest for quote unquote criminal speeding. I learned that I guess it's not so taboo to pee in the shower. And I learned that if the seat is up, I think you can straddle facing the wall and you'll be fine. You got a shelf. You got a little bookshelf. Bring a little snack. You put it right there in front of you. You can put the iPad right in front of you right there. We've been doing it wrong all these years.

Thank you for tuning in. We'll see you next week. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com. Just practicing. Just practicing for next episode because

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