Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 84: Cookies In My Socks and The Best Slogans

Episode Date: February 3, 2020

This episode is ‘BOOM’ing with funny moments! Come along as we tell the tale of our new friend Big Gordo! Jason also shares his favorite popcorn seasoning. And why is Mike contemplating eating fine dining with his foot in his soup? We bring this episode to a close by drafting the best slogans! There are so many, let us know what we missed! Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Oh, what's happening, people? Before we kick off today's episode, number one, I want to say, hey, thank you for being here. How's it going? You're beautiful. I imagine you look way better today than you usually do because you're about to listen to this podcast. But look, we need your support here at the Spitballers.

Head over to spitballerspod.com and you can get all the information you need to help support this show, ways that you can get access to these episodes early, and a bunch of other things like joining the Spit Tank. That's where we go for our priority selection for fun questions for this show. So head over to SpitballersPod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Yabba-dabba-dabba-dabba-dabba-dabba-dabba-doo. Okay. All right. Is that Mr. Flintstone over there? Dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dab I was kind of surprised at the volume. You came in real loud. Honestly, when you don't know what you're doing, just do it loud.

Just do it with confidence. Exactly. I meant to do that. When you're walking into a place that you know you're not supposed to be and other people know that you're not supposed to be there, if you do it with confidence, you'll get right in there. You could do that with, you know how every store has the back stock and the back rooms that are for employees only?

If you walked back in those areas and you acted like you knew what you were doing back there, no one's going to stop. What are you doing back here? Because the customer doesn't go back there. Haven't you seen the videos of the people with the spy cams and they're going to like they're going to high profile parties like super bowl parties and

they're just like if you pretend you're supposed to be there no one questions it i've seen videos of uh like like security videos where people go to walmart they walk in they're just customer and they go grab like the pallet and the forklift and they just lift up a pallet, and they walk it right out the building. Like, straight up, it's like, I'm supposed to do this, and they steal a pallet. We were talking about two very different things. I'm talking about just an experience where you know you're not supposed to be there, but you want to be like an A-lister for a moment. You're talking about theft. I see the difference

now. I see that like I'm saying here's how you can... I saw a man walk into a bank with a weapon and he left with a bunch of money. But he had so much confidence. He was like, I'm getting that money. The most confidence robber I've ever seen. That's because confidence it spans all gamuts. The good,

the bad, the evil apparently. You do it with confidence. It's going to work better than if you don't. Absolutely. This is my palate now. And you yabba-dabba-did that scat with a lot of confidence. Look, I've done better, but I've done worse. Look, not everyone's going to be owl, okay?

You having to have the scat this week following the owl scat, as it's known, is not fair to you. Scat, trailing his scat. But you know who else it's not fair to? It's not fair to the listeners. America. It's not fair to the spitwads to be denied owl scat. Look, as much fun as it is to troll somebody that is in our employ, our producer, with the idea that he may have to do it all the time.

As fun as that is, I mean, it's just not fun. I mean, it's not unique. It's not special if he has to do it every time. I completely agree. I would say every other. Oh, God. Maybe next week. But what if he did it every time,

and it was even better than the last time every time he did it? I would require new lyrics. He would require medication for mental health. That's what would happen. Would you rather on the show today, Jason Explains makes its return. Oh, no. If we can do Jason Explains on all the days he doesn't have the scat, that will make sure he doesn't enjoy the show.

We are drafting another fantasy draft on the show today. It's going to be a lot of fun. We've got Situation Room as well. At SpitballersPod on Twitter. SpitballersPod.com is the website. Find out how you can support the show. We're on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube. You can find us over there.

And we appreciate all the support on Apple Podcasts when you subscribe, review the show. It helps us out a lot. The whole archive is wide open now. You can get every episode we've ever done right there on Apple Podcasts. You just walk in and you claim the palette. It's yours. Just load the palette of shows up, 80-plus shows as of this recording, and enjoy yourself.

So let's get into this. Would you rather. All right, Sam from the website. Hey, Sam. Sam says, would you rather smell with your tongue like a snake does or taste with your feet like a fly does? Apparently flies taste with their feet. Oh, of course they do. And will, goodness, I don't even know what this means,

and will reflexively extend their mouth parts. Their mouth parts? If they land on anything edible. Is that scientific? I think that's inappropriate. Their mouth parts? If I was talking to my wife, shut your mouth parts.

That's going to get me in trouble. Snakes don't have noses like we do. They have nostrils to breathe with, but snakes smell with their tongues. When the tongue goes back into the mouth, the forks touch a special sensory organ called the Jacobuson's organ. I'm going to the Jacobson organ. Okay. That also sounds inappropriate. And the roof of your mouth and tells the snake what it smells.

Took a shot in the Jacobson. We've got, would you rather smell with your tongue like a snake or taste with your feet like a fly? Okay. Well, look, I knew neither of these things. I knew it. You did it? I knew that a snake uses his tongue to sense the surroundings, but I didn't know his smell. I thought it was more like a dolphin's echo. You thought? I thought it was more like you thought they were using radar?

He's just saying it's a different way of kind of getting your- Echo location? Something. I don't know. You thought they were using radar? He's just saying it's a different way of kind of getting your... Echolocation? Something. I don't know. I didn't think they were smelling with their tongue because who does that? Snakes. That's who. That's...

So put it into today's context then, right? Like you're walking around and you want to get a whiff of something, but you got to bust the tongue out to get a whiff. Or you're just tasting your socks tongue out to get a whiff, or you're just tasting your socks all day. I mean, you'd probably realign the way you do things if you're eating through your feet, right? This is a fascinating discussion on what these animals or insects... Fascinating is a stretch, but go on.

I am fascinated by the specifics of Jacobson's organ here. That's a piano, right? We're being very clear. That's like a musical organ. Your brain, your heart, the Jacobson. Just don't get hit. There is no way that this is a debatable question. I 100% agree.

Because you just smell with your tongue. I'm happy to lose smell for most of the time. I don't want to lose all my smell. Sometimes you do want to lose smell. Exactly. There's plenty of times. You never want to eat through your feet. A lot of your taste is connected to your smell. But you're going to smell it

even better if it's connected to your tongue. Imagine being a winemaker though, huh? I'm just imagining rolling up. Squishing them grapes? But I'm at like a real, real fancy restaurant. I mean, I'm dressed up. I'm in a black suit.

Maybe I'm even in a tuxedo. Oh, you got the tails. Oh, the tails, they're almost touching the ground. And then the waiter brings out my soup and ka-plow! My foot goes up on the table. Hold on. I got to taste this. I thought you were going to bring up the like, okay, you get a fancy glass of wine.

I want to smell the wine. But instead, you got to be like licking licking inside the glass look neither of these is conducive for fine dining one of those things is way way way worse all right so we're in agreement you can't hold on sir you got i mean that that there's no world where it's okay to eat with your feet. A fly, like, it flies around and it lands on what it's going to eat. We don't do that. That's to be fair. You don't eat with your feet.

You just taste with your feet and then eat with your mouth. So if you don't want to taste your soup, you can still just eat. Well, that ruins what I was going to say. I figured Jason would be sneaking cookies into his shoes all day long. Well, then he would just taste cookies all day. He's just not eating them. That's a great life. Oh, man.

All my socks would be like just dipped in like some kind of. Hold on. So you got cookies in the socks and you're eating salads. Oh, because it's separate. I've always dreamed of this. You have. The best taste of cookies in his socks. Since I was a little boy,

cookies in my socks, salads in my mouth. That's a famous slogan. That's a good tease. Thank you. All right. We're all going with the not as severe one. With the not having to walk on the table to enjoy my meal. Or you just eat without smell.

I mean, you could. You mind if I taste that? There is a world where you don't want to taste, right? You said if you don't taste at all, you're eating good food. So if you walk into that fine dining, you don't need to taste it. You're just eating healthy stuff. I'm not paying up for fine dining if I can't taste it. All right, Jacob from Twitter, who has an organ.

Jacob from Twitter. His son does. Would you rather be a pro NFL player making a fast food drive-through wage or a fast food drive-through job and make an NFL salary? Do the drive-throughru people make less? I apologize.

I'm ignorant of this. No, it's just making the implication that you get paid nothing. Okay, you're on minimum wage. You're doing the drive-thru job, minimum wage, but you're a pro NFL player. Right. You get the glory. So you get their wage, but you get the, yeah, everybody watches you. You're still famous, I assume.

You're risking your body. One of these things is highly dangerous. These are not close. I'll sling burgers for a million dollars a year. Or 10 million. You can't get hurt by the fryer.

Of course you can. But one of these things can put your lights out and cause serious lifelong problems. I'm not doing that for minimum wage. Al, we're not going to taste things through our feet, and we're not going to get concussions for $5 an hour. I tell you. All right, Al?

I demand $10 million. Then I will get the concussions. Well, see, that is the cost. Because then you get into the would you rathers of, would you rather live 70 years making $10 million a year? Would you rather live 50 years making $100 million a year? But if I'm working the fast food job, do I get unlimited burgers? With that salary, sure. Oh, I forgot.

You can buy all the burgers you want i mean he just needs the needs to keep that check together and the burgers on top you're like oh by the way i'm gonna i'm i'm buying this franchise now i mean you could do that drive through job millions per year and retire in a couple years of doing it too imagine how happy the drive-through people like would would be oh making that kind of money they were making that kind of money interesting to think about because we all know and we've all experienced grumpy teenager in the drive-through and honestly just doesn't care about the world teenager doesn Doesn't get my order right. Doesn't pay attention. And I don't blame them at all. Experience it three times a day.

I hear you. I hear you. It's not every single time that you get the grumpy Gus. No, it's actually really shocking and delightful when you get one of those surprisingly really good at their job drive-thru worker. Big Gordo. Oh, Big Gordo!

Yes! What a great story. We haven't told that story. No. Please, Andy. Big Gordo Oh Big Gordo Yes What a great story We haven't told that story No Please Andy But it's not a great story It's not a great story We were in

Well sure If he's listening This will be his chance What up Big G Gabe Is his real name But anyway We were

We were traveling across the country together Listening to 90's tunes In Jason's Oh man Electric vehicle that has to charge every 14 minutes. And, of course, one of our two charging stops on this short drive is Kingman, Arizona. And these charging stations are always at Carl's Jr.'s. They really are. It's great. And think about it.

That just means you're eating a lot more carl's junior than the next person also great because you don't have a choice i'm not gonna uber from that carl's junior to another fast food place down the street so we go to carl's junior and i'm telling you it was one of those special type of people the best uh his name turned out to be gabe he had that place on lockdown It was as clean as can be. He had menu suggestions for us. He hooked up a little, some cookie crumbles in our shakes.

He was the nicest man who knew the ins and outs of every inch of that operation. He did. He knew, I mean, it was like, that dude must be being paid an NFL salary because he was dedicated. So we ended up in a situation driving back. We knew we were going there again. We loved this man.

We didn't know his name. So we're like, everybody gets to guess what his name is. And so, you know, I think, what was my name? Steve or something. And Mike had a guess. That was like Aaron. And Jason went with a little bit out of bounds. Jason was insistent. He said went with a little bit out of bounds type of-

Jason was insistent. He said, this man's name starts- It has to start with a G. It starts with a G, and he comes up with Gordo. Yeah. It was Gordon to start, but he goes by Gordo. Yeah. Big Gordo.

Big Gordo. He's a larger man. But the funny part is Jason had no idea that Gordo was actually Spanish. Right. That's when Jason was really embarrassed. Spanish for what, Jason? And then I found out that that word means fat. So I was calling him Big Fat, which isn't nice.

And so understand, from a pure heart, was not because like oh that's big fat that's his name he's big fat so no is i thought i was like he you know you knew his name was a g name look at somebody turned out to be gay and you know their name or you know the genre of name i was like i was so positive it was a g so So I went with Gordon. Big fat. Big fat. And then here's the worst part of the story. We get to Kingman. He wasn't working. He wasn't even there.

But we asked what his name was because we had a big debate. I said there was a guy that was super nice yesterday. And she's like, yeah, he's the manager. His name's Gabe. If you're in Kingman, Arizona. Enjoy. Stop by Carl's J. Say what up to Gabe. Yeah, not Big Gordo's Gabe. If you're in Kingman, Arizona. Enjoy. Stop by Carl's J. Say what up to Gabe.

Yeah, not Big Gordo. Gabe. Did you just short Carl's Jr.? I did. You shorted the long name Carl's Jr. to Carl's J? When you hit up Carl's- That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. When you hit up Carl's J on the reg.

When you hit up Carl J. It's Carl J now. CJ. You go to CJs. Say hi to Big Gordo for us. All right. What is happening? All right.

We're taking the obvious one. Two for two on obvious ones. Let's see if you can make it three in a row. All right. Big Jeremy. Zinsation 23 from Twitter. Would you rather always feel like there's something stuck in your shoe, like a cookie cracker, or always feel like there's a popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth?

These both are bad. All right, no obvious answer. All right. Have you ever been happy? Let me ask you this. Have you ever been somewhat happy with what you have stuck in your teeth because it's got like a little turns into a tasty treat it's a little bit it's like a hard candy you know never you have it you've you've

never had something pulled out of your teeth that then it ended up having like a full flavor and you revisited lunch you're like oh yeah that was really good you never loosed a crumb in your mouth and you're like oh i'm glad that was there never what is wrong with you two look here on the same page here i've done mike and i eat a lot of pretzels apparently here's where i can get like this isn't stuck in your teeth but if it is like you know you eat oreos and it's like on the top oreos go in the molars yeah that's what i'm saying a popcorn kernel goes in between your teeth. Yeah, so... That's known to...

You can't just pick it out. Yeah, I'm just saying, like, you know, that's okay. But I've never had something stuck in my teeth that I've enjoyed then or later. That being said, if we're comparing it to a rock in a shoe... So, I can... Like, we just bought a popcorn maker we're we're i mean we are you fancy we're we are getting bougie uh up in our house because we're watching movies and we're making you showed me this thing and you showed me that there's some secret ingredients

flavor coal flavor coal i think that's what it's called but yeah and it's supposed to raise profits for popcorn salesmen around the country. But it's in my home. Flavacol? Flavacol. Flavacol. It's worse than that. It's Flavacol.

Flavacol. So that's a medication that you've seen advertised before that causes death. Well, so speaking of causes. Flavacol. Speaking of causes death, you know, if you're listening, don't confuse a teaspoon with a tablespoon. No, no, no. A teaspoon is very, very, very tiny. listening, don't confuse a teaspoon with a tablespoon. No, no, no. A teaspoon is very, very, very tiny.

Yes, they're very different, Jason. If you get the very tiny teaspoon, that is 122% of your daily sodium. The teaspoon? It's delicious. Hold on, hold on. The teaspoon. The teaspoon. In America.

The little tiny. I'm going to be honest with you. You made this popcorn for me, and it was very fresh. It was very hot. You asked me if I liked it. I said I did like it, and mind you, I ate it. I ate it all. He didn't like it.

But listen, I ain't never tasted a saltier bag of popcorn in my whole life. Flavor call. Boom. Flavor call in your face. Here's the truth. It was the salt. I was, I was a salt lake. Okay.

You were a horse and it was a salt lick and I'm just, just, just pure. I was a raisin when I got home. I was dried up by bag one. I don't know how to leave a call. So, um, here's the thing that I have since learned. So here's the thing that I have since learned. We have these packages where you cut the top off, and it's got the oil, and it's got the kernels. I was like, the seeds.

You're such a professional. And it's got a pouch of seasoning salt. And so I don't think I'm supposed to use that and the Flavacol. No. Flavacol. Flavacol! Too much in your face. Alright, so, look, something's stuck in your teeth, it stinks. If it's stuck in your shoe, I've got, you know,

my thing with the shoe. You're doing the toe tap all day. You work it towards the top left. You step the big toe. Step, toe down. Click, click, click. Step, step. Click, click, click. Trying to kick the toe to the front. I don't know why as a kid. Or the rock.

I feel like as a kid I had like a rock in my shoe every day. That's just what you, I don't know if we played in a lot of miniature rock playgrounds. I just felt like it was regular. Yeah, Arizona. No grass, right? You don't get grass in your shoes. No, you didn't play in the rocks. You played in the grass.

That's how you got rocks in your shoes. That's right. That's true. But something stuck in your, I feel like you might get used to it stuck in your shoes. No, you didn't play in the rocks. You played in the grass. That's how you got rocks in your shoes. That's right. But something stuck in your... I feel like you might get used to it stuck in your teeth, wouldn't you? No! No! This is the point of why I brought up the popcorn machine. I brought up the popcorn machine because... Flavacol! Because... WMD.

Yes. Because I've eaten a lot of popcorn in the last two weeks. It was so salty, Mike. Hydrated. Did you have any of that popcorn? I missed out. It is delicious. Sodium rich.

But it is very sodium rich. And I apologize for nothing. Did you look at the ingredients? Flavacol. Does it just say ingredients? Salt. Oh, salt is nowhere near as rich in sodium as Flavacol. That's true.

Like, I'm not joking. If you took a teaspoon of salt. They made saltier salt. they made saltier salt if you take a teaspoon of salt there's no fathomable way that has the same flavor call flavor call boom saltier than salt up your profits saltier than salt that's a good slogan harness the ocean i might draft that today but my point is i've had a lot of popcorn lately and i've had a lot of kernels stuck in my teeth, and it is so annoying, but I can have that stuck in my teeth for two hours as I watch a movie, and I'm working on this

thing, and it's annoying. Mike, I could have drank a gallon of seawater. It would have been refreshing compared to that popcorn. You know what they put in the seawater? Watch down this Flavacol. So the thing is I can't stay for a long period of time with a rock in my shoe. That's like I've got to take the shoe off and stop what I'm doing.

So there's no way I'm taking that. I'm taking the kernel in the mouth. The only thing worse than the shoe in the rock in the shoe is the kernel in your teeth. And you just cut your fingernails and you have no recourse. There just cut your fingernails. And you have no recourse. Or you bite your fingernails and you never have them. That's fine. You just bit all your fingernails off and you have no

possible way. You know. You're tonguing this thing for hours and you know it's never coming out. Ever. I want to show you something. Listeners out there. I understand that there's toothpicks. I was going to send you a link where you can purchase toothpicks. Yeah, but you don't listen.

You know who purchases toothpicks? Andy has toothpicks on him at all. Andy, do you have a toothpick or some kind of? No, I do not right now. But I was going to say, that's the problem. You get caught out in the world without a toothpick. You have a toothpick in your wallet, though. I used to.

I used to. The wrong gun? I don't right now. I'm sorry to let you down but when you say you used to to me what that means is you ran out on wednesday and you'll have them soon but you're just out right now honestly i made the decision that i didn't want my wallet quite that thick that's all that happened i didn't not want the toothpick i just didn't i just didn't want the wallet to be that thick but yeah it's nice to have them i don't know where this is going. I would rather have, I think I'd rather have the thing in my shoe.

So Mike, your final vote. Well, we spend a lot of our days sitting. And when I'm sitting, a rock in my shoe is not a problem. But something in my teeth is always a problem. Always it is. All right, we're moving on. Jason explains in 60 seconds. All right, we're doing this again.

I've got the wheel. If you're listening at home, I'll let you know what it lands on. There are many items. Jason does not know what he has to explain to us. I'll handle the sound effects. Fortunately, Jason is an expert at all things. effects fortunately jason is an expert at all things i do know a lot about almost everything yeah jason is going to explain oh there was a boop it's justice oh you're explaining about justice in 60 seconds begin okay so justice is a concept of right and wrong, and when you are wrong, you are going to enact or receive justice.

Justice is different than vengeance in the sense that it's the right thing. It's not something where you are fighting evil with evil, but you are overcoming evil with justice, with righteousness, and you're going to take the badness and you're going squash it, and you're going to make it pay its price, its penance with a just punishment. So, for instance, the first justice event, the first justice that ever happened, the first justice, someone threw a rock at someone else. It hit them pretty hard. And so that first person.

Very excited. That first person got kicked to the dance. Justice was served. I think you hit 60 seconds. I did not know that story. Is that from the annals of history? It is. And they actually named the kicker Justice. That was his name.

That sounded very much like vengeance. Well, no, it wasn't the person who got hit. So it was Justice. If the person who got hit was the kicker, then that would be vengeance. Oh, the courts assigned somebody. As long as someone else is the kicker of the scrotes. Right. Judge Thread was not the person.

Well, he's the law. Yes. He was carrying out justice. I feel like you know very little about justice. Well, there's also a league. I'll tell you about that later. I can't wait until we have 60 seconds about Victoria Justice from Jason. Victoria Justice.

This would be the part where we also don't know your reference. The Situation Realm. You don't know who Victoria Justice is? She is an American actress and singer, apparently, according to Google. Thank goodness for that. From Nickelodeon. Okay, no, I didn't have cable TV, Mike, apparently, according to Google. Thank goodness for that. From Nickelodeon. Okay, no, I didn't have cable TV, Mike. Oh, that's right.

All right, here we go. These are all situations brought to you by the Spitwads, spitballerspod.com, suggested by our greatest supporters, Nathan from Patreon. In the ultimate I licked it so it's mine situation, you each get one lick, and you can keep that one item forever what will you lick all right so let's not the the mistake that could be made here is that you lick something too soon and then you regret the licky i mean this is a you want to think

through this you got to think through it and i'm you know you can't lick a million dollars because there's not a there's no million dollar bill exactly so you got you know what i can lick a bank yeah you can lick a bank that's what i've always said so that means you get the building yeah so you got that's you get everything in it i mean you get everything in it you inherit all the money inside that's right that's my bank i can do with the money as i see fit so you're so you're telling me if you go to your local chase bank you lick the wall then you are now mr chase no of that bank he gets that bank under the rules of i lick it i claim it jason how are you having a problem when when the concept of the question is i lick it i own it

because whatever you lick is what you own you don't own you you don't become the the the like if you own the building you you have the right to not let anybody take anything out of the building okay that's fair that's so i gotta time it up then i gotta wait for a big deposit right yeah you like you don't you you own just what's inside those holes So I'm now just a property manager? Yeah congratulations But you've got a lot of money I mean look I'd say I'd lick the moon

But that's a tough task I'm gonna say It's impossible No you could lick the moon Jason If you were there No you couldn't You have to take your tongue out in space, and then it's a blast flying out.

Or you just end up owning the helmet. That's your lick it, and you accidentally link. Okay, you get the whole suit? No, the helmet comes off. It detaches. Well, that's like saying you don't get the... That's what I was saying. You would just get the building. He gets everything inside, so he owns his head.

This might not be practical or whatever, but I'm going to go on one of those aircraft carrier tours, and I'm going to lick that aircraft carrier. Oh. And that's mine. So I'm going to own an aircraft carrier because I licked it. You're going to need to get with Mike because that's going to cost a lot of money to do anything with that aircraft carrier, And he's got the money. Yeah, I'll be giving tours.

I'm going to lick a Tesla Roadster. I'm just going to. What, an old one? Nice. No. It's like a 20-year-old car. No, I'm going to lick a new one. They're not even out.

Shirt. You're going to lick the future? Oh, look at this guy saving his lick. No, I'm not saving my lick. The one that was driven off during the semi-truck announcement. Oh, beta version. I'm licking that one. It's mine.

Oh, man, they've got a lot of bugs. All right. So you're not licking the flavor call? Oh, boom. You lose your tongue. Okay, so if you're licking that, I just said I could lick a bank. Yeah, you haven't licked anything yet. Well, I'm feeling very nautical after you wanted to lick.

Could you own, like if you licked Al Borland, for instance. I own him? I'm just saying. This is getting into a very gray area. Well, it's not gray. In that case, you would own Al Borland. It's not gray. It's case, you would own Al Borland. It's not gray. It's cut and dry.

You own him. I mean, he'll only scat like once every 80 shows. Seriously. This guy is basically worthless. I'm with you. I think you were on the right track. We already kind of own him. All right, go on.

Are you going to like Hawaii? No. Oh. I own this island. Can I like a state? You'd end up... I was going to lick a cruise ship. Is there a square miles limit on this lick, Borland?

I mean, obviously, if I lick the ground, I don't own the United States. No, it would be bigger than that. It would be the continent. Yeah, as long as it's contiguous, you own it all. That's a lot of land. No licking territories. All right. Classic. All right, lot of land. No licking territories. All right. Classic.

All right. I'm going to lick the cruise boat. You want the big cruise? I feel like I could make some real money. Honestly, I would much rather be on a cruise ship than on an aircraft carrier. I just don't know what I would do there. Hang out with us on the aircraft carrier. I've got higher odds of having some military planes.

See you in the mess hall. You definitely have higher odds of having military planes. Yes, Andy. There are higher odds on the aircraft carrier than on the cruise ship. The problem with those is they can come and go as they please. The aircraft? Yeah. No, yeah, yeah. The aircraft? Yeah.

Dallas from Patreon has a situation for us because we need more situations to deal with. You've been waiting all day for a very important phone call, guys. Of course, the call comes when you are in the middle of a number two. Thank you, Dallas. And you know

it's not one that you can pinch off hastily. We'll be here a while. You know trying to call them back will result in a maze of automated services and could take hours to reach the correct person again. How do you handle the call? In other words, the situation is this. Can you take a poop call? Hello?

And if you do, what are the ways that you handle that? Are you bouncing between mute and talking? Oh, that's actually a pro move. I've done this. Are you just being what I like to call sound sensitive? Are you simply being careful about... Because, look, no, you don't. You need to be louder.

If you whisper, they're going to hear the peripheral. No, if you're loud, they'll hear the echo, and they'll be like, sir, are you in a bathroom? Oh, you're worried about them finding out that you're in a bathroom. I'm worried they're going to hear the plop plop. Oh, I'm pretty sure I could time those up to when I am not speaking. You better be on mute.

Doing the speaking and the dropping at the same time, that's difficult. But if you're in any bathroom that's not just a home bathroom, they're going to know. Oh, yeah. They're going to say, why is there reverb on your phone call? Yes. I mean, you guys have been in this situation. 100%. I mean, I feel like everybody's been in this situation.

Yes. A phone call comes, you know you need to answer it, but this is really bad time. I just started. And when you have to answer the phone call, all I know is I'm committed. This is where I live now. You're in it? I'm not leaving. I'm obviously not flushing or continuing.

I'm here for the duration of this call. If this is a 20-minute call... Have you taken one of those in a public restroom? Oh, I would never answer in a public restroom. Okay. That's what I'm asking. Not for the caller, but for the other to come in. Oh, but what if you're in a...

If I walk into a public restroom... What if you're in a pinch? ...and someone is chatting in the stall on a phone, I literally can't understand who that person is and what the situation was that made them go, this is totally okay. Because I've seen it and it blows my mind. You go with the, excuse me, sir. Thank you for calling me back.

What's your name? Oh, you know, my name is Frank. And say, Frank, I've got explosive diarrhea. I'm going to need you to call me back in 10 minutes. Have you ever thought about telling the truth? Oh. I would probably. I like part of what you said, not the diarrhea part.

I like the part where you just, if you answer and say, hey, I'm right. You answer, you act like you're there. You're ready to go and say, hey, I'm right. You answer, you act like you're there. You're ready to go. Yeah. Hey, I'm so glad. Oh, you know what? I actually need about 10 minutes. Give me a call back.

I'd skip the diarrhea. But that person is not calling you back. If you tell them you have explosive diarrhea, they know. You're backwards. You're backwards. Yes, you're very backwards. If you tell the person, I've got explosive diarrhea. Call me back.

I'm not calling that person back. No. Ever. What? I am 100% calling that person back because they're honest. No. No. Because you know if it's explosive, 10 minutes is too soon. If someone has been...

That's fair. Not only that, but you know that you're being trolled. You never in a million years would that person think, you know what? That's an honest person. If you say, I have explosive diarrhea. Call me back. They don't go, thank you for your honesty. They go, oh, okay.

Click. They go, that's weird. But someone who says, oh, you know what? Call me back in 10 minutes. I say, yeah, sure. I'll put you back at the bottom of the line. Explosive diarrhea. I'll call you back in 10 minutes.

Yeah, Mike's wrong. I'm on the side with Andy on this one. Jenny from Patreon has a question. We've dealt with the previous situation handily. You get $1,000 for every time you wake up one of your family members by loudly screaming something. Oh, yes. But you can never tell them why, and if they find out ever, you lose all your money.

So what is your strategy for this? How are they going to find out? Well, they can find out if you tell them, Mike. Oh, well, that's what I mean. So I simply just don't have to tell them why I'm doing this? Well, I assume if they find your money stash, maybe they figure that out somehow.

I can tell you my strategy. In my bank, I licked one. Every single time that i'm that i i'm gonna i'm just trying to scare them because i feel like i would do this for ten dollars i don't need a thousand you would do it for zero dollars you're waking them yes you're waking them up yes and that's the best part of this what are you screaming i'm usually screaming like, but have you ever done the car thing? Have either of you done the car thing? Someone falls asleep in the car and you like slam the brakes and shake the car. No, I have not because I'm not a sociopath.

It's a good one. I think you're underestimating. Sure. You might like doing this to the point of you get like three or $4,000. They get real spooked. But once you keep doing it that's the problem you want to get rich you're gonna need to really have a family that hates you yeah i mean that's for sure but here's the thing you could play it off like you never did it if you do it in the middle of the night like they could be hearing sounds like you do it once and you pretend you're asleep. That's my strategy.

So that has to be your wife. I'll do this. Yeah, unfortunately it does. I will scream real loud to wake my wife up. But by the time she turns over, I've been asleep. So you're doing this in your sleep. No, I'm not even doing it in my sleep. She's hearing it.

She's hearing sounds. But you're doing it in the middle of the night. Yes. That's very smart. As long as they wake up, cha--ching my pocket fills with some cash i think what i would do is i would do immediately after bedtime right when i tuck a man i i usually come back check on him in 10 minutes just it's and your children are asleep it's been a habit yeah usually after 10 minutes we've got it down to a science my man we. We've got a whole tuck in routine. I don't like you.

Flavor call. I don't like you. And that's what I would yell. I'd come in and, Jersey, are you awake? And she's asleep. She doesn't say anything. Boom, flavor call. And then I'd slam the door and leave.

$1,000. $1,000. I feel like if you shout it, you have to spike down. Oh, you're right. Just right in the face. Boom, flavor call. Oh, like a little sprit right in the face. Boom! Flavocall! Oh, like a little spritz. Yeah. Of course, it'll burn your eyes out. That stuff is

plutonium. Is there a warning that says don't touch with skin? Not made by earthly elements? I mean... It is delicious. It really is. It'll burn your mouth, but it's delicious. Yes.

I mean, it really is. It'll burn your mouth, but it's delicious. Yes. The Spitballers Draft. All right, Mike has the first pick in the draft, and today we are drafting the best slogans. All right? You guys know what a slogan is. I don't need to explain or give away any possible answers,

but we did draft best jingles a long time ago on the show and this is different giving a slogan the whole show yeah yeah so boom flavor call well we made that one up i don't think their actual slogan is boom flavor call it could be uh so best slogans mike you are i think in a good position, number one. I can't imagine. There's a clear 101. What's weird is- I think there's a clear 101 as well. What's weird to me is I don't think it's a clear 101 for the public at large.

It's a clear 101 for me. I have to take it because there's a 0% chance it will make it back, and I'm a Nike fanboy i'm a nike truther till the end so i will take nike just do it yeah i mean that's the clue like when i really you really think that's the clear number one i think it is the clear number one when you think of famous slogans just do it is easily the first thing that comes to mind our demographic our age i don't know i agree with Andy. To me, it's not.

I've got one I hope gets to me that I think could be viewed as better. I don't think it's like an easy 101. It's just an easy 101 for me, knowing that you want to have it. Sure. That makes it even better for me. So Mike is going with Nike. Just do it. Makes perfect sense.

It's a first rounder, no doubt. Wow. Jason, you have a picture jason is already tilting this because the game of this one of okay so you have the 101 that's fine but i think after that is just a whole hodgepodge of you have no idea what he wants there are lots of good so that's why i started tilting because because Andy apparently has one he's hoping gets to him. So now instead of taking what I want or what I love. Oh, no, you want to get his?

I just want to get his. But the truth is, I don't think that this is, I'm not going for polls here. I'm going to pick. Yeah, right. No, I'm going to pick my favorite slogans. The ones that make me laugh. The ones that bring me someplace. and there's two that i want i don't think that andy's gonna get one of these i don't think he would take either i'm gonna start

with one of my favorite commercial series of all time it was super funny it's a little dated now but so easy a caveman can do it oh really yeah because those commercials were and that was uh geico yeah i had to remember there if you can't get out of here you remember the caveman that's part of that caveman ad spawned into a freaking sitcom now i will say this i would say that that is probably not in my top 50 well and i said i didn't think you were gonna grab either of these to be fair it's not in my top 75 so okay if so you're going with geico it's so easy caveman can do it got it got it all right it's also like not their real slogan that was their slogan for a while like a decade and they do change i mean mean, look, if you...

15 minutes, they rotate around. But it's best slogans of all time, so it's time periods in which they existed. Sure. I'm going to go with... My number one pick is going to be M&M's. Okay. And that's melts in your mouth, not in your hands. All right. I feel like that's

a very iconic... It's on my list. All-timer. I would have enjoyed it with my last pick. Okay, Mike. Well, it's in your top 75, isn't it? It is. At least. I'm going to go with Disneyland. No!

No, no, no! Happiest place on Earth. The happiest place on Earth. Sure. That's a great one. You judged that very wrong. At least you got Geico. You thought he wouldn't take Disney?

I didn't think That was the easy second pick That was You dummy So I've got M&M's melts in your mouth not in your hands Don't worry you've got a Geico The happiest place on earth You gonna take like the gecko next?

This sucks I'll take the roast duck with the roast now i don't want to put i don't want to put any pressure on you but you are on the clock with you're not i take the happiest place on uh walt disney walt disney land you know i just felt like that's not like it's a very known phrase but but it doesn't strike me. You still have boom Flavacol available. Boom Flavacol. It doesn't strike me as, like, a slogan as much as other famous.

You're also going to hear from Tenactin. Yes. Excuse me. We have boom as our slogan on lockdown. Boom. Tough Acton. All right. You want Tough Acton, Tenacton?

Is that what you're taking? They probably taste the same. Tenacton and Flavor Call. Tough Acton, Tenacton's a pretty good pick. Yeah, it's not bad. Yeah, I'm feeling good. Okay, M&M's and Disney. I'm M&M's and Disney.

I think there are a lot of really, really good ones that are on the table here for Jason. It's time. It's time. I quit. Well, you can pass. That is allowed. You could move your pick to the very end of the draft if you can't decide. I'm going to go with your M&M strategy.

I'll taste the stupid rainbow. Oh, I was going to take it. You're going Skittles. Taste the rainbow. I was going to go with your M&M's strategy. I'll taste the stupid rainbow. Oh, I was going to take it. You're going Skittles. Taste the rainbow. I was going to take it. I'm really upset that you took that. That's not bad. That one's in my top 40.

Can I go back? No, you cannot. Owl, can I go back and take a pick that I would prefer? No. I thought that might be it. All right. I feel great now. I didn't know that was your pick.

You're a jerk. All right. Mike, you've got two it. All right. I feel great now. I didn't know that was your pick. You're a jerk. All right. Mike, you've got two picks. All right. I trust Mike may take some of the ones I really want. So with my first pick, I will take one of the most parodied slogans of all time. I will take Got Milk. Yeah, that was the one that I was wavering on with M&M's.

Like, is it better than M&M's it not it's it's way up there i mean everybody as soon as got milk hit the airwaves everybody out there had their oh this will be so clever we'll do god they did so many got shoes so many magazine ads every athlete every celebrity got was sensational. So it's kind of, when you look at these, there's parts of them, when you evaluate it, it's like, how long did it run? Others are like, how iconic? Like, M&M's in Disneyland ran a lot longer

than Got Milk did, but Got Milk made a big mark, and that was a tough decision. All of these clearly better than Geico. So go ahead, Mike ahead mike you got another all right and it almost transitions into my next uh pick here and it's just really fun to say they're great yeah i will take frosted flakes to go with my milk and my shoes and your shoes all right so you've got nike just do it i taste with my feet you. All right, so you've got Nike. Just do it. I taste with my feet.

You've got Got Milk, and you've got their great. I like to keep it real short. It was on my short list. Not that short, but on my short list. Oh, it's fantastic. It's funny. Now that we're doing this, I just want all food items. There's a lot of catchy food slogans out there.

All right, Jason, your third place team is up for another pick. Look, I don't. Take solace in the fact that it doesn't matter what you do. I don't exactly like my draft. You're not doing it for the polls, Jason. No, I'm surely not. That's true. You're taking your favorite. i wanted the happiest place on earth

you should have taken it first you had to pick before me i didn't think he would take it you you always talk i hate you all right um i'm very tilted boom flavor call all right i'm gonna take uh a slogan that was so popular that it made a career for the person who said the slogan so much so that he could then go to a competitor and have a whole other secondary career gotcha yep verizon's famous can you hear me now all right marshalls yep i think that was one of the most successful slogans of all time it seems more recent than the ones we've been taking. It seems as recent as So Easy a Caveman can do it. There was a small window where Jason really liked it.

That's where I want those. Mike, you're my competition. I'm going with Energizer. It keeps going and going and going and going. So I'm going Energizer. Longstanding. It was. I can't remember the last time I heard it. So I'm going Energizer. Longstanding. It was. I can't remember the last time I heard it.

It's been a little while. I mean, besides you saying it. I have a really, really large list that I came up with, and it is not on here. Dude, the Energizer party was awesome. I'm feeling very discouraged. My picks are great. It's not on your list, Jay.

My picks are great. That's validation. Here comes Alka-Seltzer. And then, man. Ooh, last pick. This is the hard part. I've got a few that I want. Gosh.

I've, in fact, got... I'm not afraid of whether I'll make a good pick. I'm afraid of whether I'll make the best pick. The one that Mike wants to come back to him. When I think of slogans, whether or not, you know, I'm not a big Vegas guy, but I can't imagine a better written slogan than when they made Vegas. What happens here stays here. Famous slogan.

So I'll go with that one okay all right also not on the list but hey i remember it oh yeah um okay let me go with geico 15 minutes could save you 50 percent or more how about you're in good hands all state i'm gonna do a full insurance uh run here okay so how many do I get now? Just one. Just one? Yeah, it's just one. You're going to need four or five.

Is it the same every time? I've picked how many so far. Here comes, it's my money and I want it now. Mike has managed to draft three great slogans that all have no words. Just do it, got milk, they're great. Eight words. To have a great slogan you that's what you want mike has no chance of losing i just want that to be known now because i like my picks

but mike's are better i think and jason's are not the best so i'm looking at my list and there's ones that i like more than this but this one just makes me laugh so i'm taking it because the fact that i would take look i'm leaning in i'm leaning into last place here fellas oh i'm excited um i look i i there's two lean in for last places that i was between and i'm gonna say the other one mike if you want it you can have it but it's a drop we've got for jacoby bursette oh very nice where's the beef yeah from wendy's that's a good one but instead of that you didn't go with that no but instead of we've got for Jacoby Bursette. Oh, very nice. Where's the beef? Yeah, from Wendy's. That's a good one. But instead of that.

Oh, you didn't go with that. No, but instead of that, I'm going with maybe she's born with it. Oh, maybe it's Maybelline. That was a fantastic slogan. Same exact time period as your other ones, too.

Not our demographic, but I irrationally like that one. It's great. Maybe it's Maybelline. That's a sensational ad campaign. Part of this is- Al Borland is asking, is it a slogan or a jingle? And it's both.

I guess- No. Maybe it's Maybelline is a slogan. That was the tagline in a print ad. I was wondering the same thing. When something pops into your head, it was just do it. It was, I wanted to go the jingle from the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup. Because that's their slogan too.

Best part of waking up? The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup. I've got that on the list. A lot of the slogans are also, I mean, there's a few slogans that are also some kind of jingle. Mike, I'm loving it. I was just going to say, you could take another three-word slogan. Yeah, you could. Dude, you would get, if you took I'm loving it.

It's over. You would get 90% of the vote. Well, because of course, I'm digging I'm loving it. What are you guys, what have you been doing over there? It's on my list. I'm loving it. Look, maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline.

Okay? That's a good one. That's my best pick. All right. With my final pick, officially, just so you know, I'm taking it. I'm loving it. And then I was between Finger Lickin' Good. I'm a big fan of that.

And I'm a big fan of that And I'm a big fan of America runs on Dunkin' Like really? I think it's I'm a big fan of Dunkin' Donuts I think it's a really smart A really really smart slogan But I didn't draft it

Not smart enough for me to draft I'm surprised Betch Can't Eat Just One Wasn't taken because it's food Lays Oh that's Lays. Oh, that's Lays? Yeah. Quicker Picker Upper.

Bounty. That's actually on my list. Oh, I didn't write it down on my list. Breakfast of Champions. Wheaties. Once you pop. You Can't Stop. That's a good one.

That's a really good one. You know one that comes up. The best a man can get. There's one that comes up all the time when we're talking about where you can download our podcast. We're here. We're here. We're here. We always want to be everywhere you want to be. Visa. But that's Visa. Apple, think different. That was a big campaign.

When did they do that? That whole campaign was from when Jobs came back on, I think. I don't even associate that with Apple anymore. It's Shake and Bake. I like that one a lot. All right, so Mike's team, just do it. Got milk. They're great, and I'm loving it. Minimal. I have

melts in your mouth, not in your hands. The happiest place on earth. It keeps going and going and going, and what happens here stays here. Jason has so easy a caveman can do it. Taste the rainbow. Can you hear me now? Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's maybelline what did we learn today i learned that jason thinks his best pick

was maybe she's born with it maybe it's maybelline oh it's fantastic which is what you said um i learned that snakes taste with their tongue no i didn't i learned that they smell with their tongue. No, I didn't. I learned that they smell with their tongue. There it is. Hopefully they also taste with their tongue. Dual purpose. I learned that the United States military should be looking into flavor call. Yes. Weaponize it.

Throw it in the trenches. Boom! Oh, a flavor call grenade? That's what I'm saying! Boom! Flavor call call everyone's dehydrated help thank you for listening we'll see you next monday tell your friends goodbye thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out ballerspod.com Hey, it's Andy. The show's over. Listen, I've got... Well, see, that's the right sound

because I got a message from Al Borland. He didn't have the heart to come and tell you himself, but he needs your help. He needs ideas for the show. He needs to know that you're behind him. Take his broken wings. So, look, he wanted me to come and say a few words at the end of the show.

First, thanks for listening. Second, thanks for subscribing. And third, head to spitballerspod.com and find out how you can support Al Borland. Click the Become a Spitwad button.