Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 88: Belly Button Turds & The Best States

Episode Date: March 2, 2020

We have our most requested segment back on today’s show - LIAR, LIAR! Can any of the guys go 3 for 3 against the clever Owl? We also muse on uncomfortable chairs vs. uncomfortable beds & giving compliments vs. criticism. We wrap up this show by finding out how much these buffoons know about U.S. geography in a draft of The Best States. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, Spitwads! Guess what? Guess what? I know, Mike, you're curious what I'm going to say as well. I have no idea. I want to invite all the Spitwads out there that love this show to head over to SpitballersPod.com and listen. You can become an official Spitwad. That means we're looking at your ideas. We're taking a look in the spit tank at your ideas, and those are the ones we care about for the show. You get to support the podcast. You get the episodes a little bit early a little bonus bonus for supporting the podcast so uh look we appreciate you over there at spitballerspod.com click that become a spitwad button and that's all there is to it now let's get to the show. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore

unrealistic situations, and Jason. You were a snowball of fury just tumbling down the mountain. I mean, you started as a big snowball. But by the time you got to the bottom, you would have just enveloped whatever was in your path. You do that three times and you can make a killer snowman. I liked the scat. It felt like a major motion picture. It didn't feel like an indie film.

It didn't feel like, you know, it felt a little bit safe. Beginning, a middle, and an end. Yeah, there's a plot. I think you're going to get some people to the box office with that. And most importantly, there was a climax, which is the most important part. Or the end. Of every movie. Yeah, absolutely. You've got to have the big finish.

Andy Holloway, Jason Moore, Mike Wright. That's my name. Are you the fantasy hitman on this show? No. I could be. It's just I have this cadence to the way I introduce us, and I realized that I was going to introduce you like our fantasy football show. I'll come up with.

What a mistake that would have been. I'll come up with something. Luckily, I kept that under wraps and didn't bring it up. No one will know. No one will know. Welcome to the Spitballers podcast. Excited to have you with us as we continue this journey of miscellany. Rebranding your Monday.

Bringing you a little bit of random joy. There was some social media buzz about the Spitballers. I didn't know that. By that, I mean just like someone was talking about us, and it was very nice of them to do. And their friend commented and said, what's the Spitballers podcast? What's that all about? Yeah, what is this all about?

And there were some very funny answers, including my favorite answer, which was everything and nothing at the same time. My favorite answer to that question was yes. What is the Spitballers podcast about? Yes. Yep, that is correct. We're about it.

Yeah. Bouty bout it. This has been a lot of fun, and what I realized through the course of these past 80 plus episodes is that people love to think about difficult, odd questions, debate them with one another. And ultimately, obviously, there is a right answer to everything. Look, we're all doing it. We're all thinking about these things. We just, we're afraid.

And that's what we're all doing it. We're all thinking about these things. We just, we're afraid. And that's what we're going to change. Yeah, and I do think that these important questions need, like, official answers. Yeah. You know, not opinions, just correct fact. And so that's why people come to the Spitballers podcast, is to really just become smarter, better people, better looking. More factual. We'll eventually publish into some of those medical journals and stuff like that you haven't done that yet well until we get to 100 100 we're almost to 100 facts or more revealed

on the show what do we have today we have reviewasaurus we appreciate your reviews subscribe support on apple podcast spotify wherever you're listening we have would you rather we've got liar liar coming back oh yes liar liar is a a favorite segment of the one Jason Moore. It is the favorite segment so far, although I'm looking forward to hundreds of new segments that Al Borland comes up with. Stay tuned. And then we are drafting a very interesting draft.

I guess we're not drafting the draft. We are drafting our drafts. I just want to leave this one a mystery. Very meta. It's different. Let's get it started. It's probably in the title of the show. It's in the title of the show.

All right, we're drafting best states, okay? So get your thinking caps on. We only get two or three rounds, and we're picking states. We've done colors. Now we're doing states. That's right. I think we should draft all 50. Someone's got to give Vermont.

Oh, goodness. I want to see Al Borland build that pole. I like that you think Vermont's a bad state. You know, I was going to go Rhode Island. But I feel like they just get dumped on because they're so tiny. Yeah, but they have the leaves. Rhode Island has leaves? Other states also have leaves have leaves no but this

is a real thing it was highlighted on family guy that people from the east coast they go to rhode island for when in the fall when the leaves are changing and look jason i know we don't understand the beauty of trees is rhode island just a forest is it like a small forest that you drive right through well no one lives there. It's desolate. It's just trees. It's just trees. I'm learning some. We're going to learn about states today on the show.

More facts coming your way. Let's jump into a review. Review-a-saurus regs. This one comes in from a loyal spitwad. Hilarious. Never have I ever laughed so hard when not listening to your show. I think that makes sense. Andy, Mike, and Jason always do the best job of cheering up my boring Monday and giving me a truckload of laughs.

The chemistry between these three goofballs is undeniably great. And I recently shared it with my mom. And it is now our favorite podcast to listen to together. I'm 12. What's up, Loyal Spitwad? You guys make every Monday less mundane by just being yourselves. Owl. Oh, now I see why this was put in here.

Give an owl a shout out. Smart, Loyal Spitwad. Owl, keep hooting. Andy, Mike, and Jason, keep doing what you're doing. Keep hooting. Never become curmudgeons. Keep making us laugh. Stay hooting. Owl, you got to you're doing. Keep hooting. Never become curmudgeons. Keep making us laugh. Stay hooting.

Ow. You got to keep hooting. Keep hooting. Keep hooting. I thought the truckload of last might have been a plan. Maybe he listens as like he's a trucker and he listens on the road. But then he said he's 12. Yeah.

And if he's a 12-year-old trucker. What's up, dude? Is that Mike relating with the young? Yes. What's up, dude? I'm very excited that a person of his ilk, his age, is listening and enjoying the show. With his mom, too. That's awesome.

That's fantastic. People of all ages. Yes. Especially babies. Babies love this show. Yes, they do. Would you rather. And that comes from really using a three and four-year-old vocabulary.

Yes. Extensively. They all know exactly what we're talking about. Poop. I know that. All right. Thomas from the website has a would you rather question for us to debate. Would you rather never be allowed to give compliments again or never be allowed to give

criticism again even constructive criticism mike's laughing over here he's like what's a compliment i've never given a compliment in my life sometimes these questions are very difficult i have to go to deep dark places to and look at my humanity of which which of these options can I possibly live my life with? This question, not so much. This is easy for you. Yeah. And I'm going to assume, based on your resting angry face,

that you're not going to give any more compliments ever again. That is correct. I will say I have tried to improve my life by being kinder to others, by giving compliments, sometimes when they don't deserve them. Be more affirming? Yeah. I know the power of a compliment. Yeah. And that's why I withhold them.

Because I hold all the power. Unfortunately, when diving deep here, I like giving compliments. I like affirming people because I'm a person. Unfortunately? Did you say, unfortunately, I like giving compliments. I like affirming people because I'm a person. Unfortunately? Did you say, unfortunately, I like giving compliments? Good. Well, the unfortunate part was that I was going to say, I also tend to be more critical at times. So the unfortunate part is that I seem to like to do that too, which I don't like about myself. So if I have a choice and a would you rather question,

I'm going to choose to remove the part I don't like as much. Although constructive criticism is a big part of doing your job and being a business owner. So I was going to bring that up. The difficult thing here is we run a business together, the three of us. We're building websites and products and all sorts of things. And if we can't have constructive criticism and everything always just, that's great. Oh man, that looks really good. But the opposite is you do give constructive criticism,

but you never say that what they're doing, our employees are doing is good. What if you never get a pat on the back? They never get a good job. Well done. It's like, do the next thing. Can you wrap constructive criticism inside a compliment is that at all possible i don't think so

like al borland great job locking your keys in your car today dude okay it might be able to get done and also feel like a compliment at all it didn't no not from over here You know what it felt like to me? It felt like the truth. It felt like something that happened today. It was a constructive compliment. Yeah, dude. You actually nailed it if you were

trying to lock your keys in the car. Oh, there you go. You did. I mean, you rocked it. He is the best at that. Out of all of us. Out of all of us. He is the best. Did you find a locksmith yet? Not yet. The show comes first.

Can I compound his error with letting the spitwads know that he also was coming from a two-hour workout and doesn't have clothes to change into? So I was thinking, okay, no big deal. He's just going to grab his car at the end of the day, but that means you will be bathing or living in your own stink. I'll keep hooting. Keep hooting over there. All right.

I think we've exhausted that one. Dan from Patreon, would you rather have every chair you sit on be so short that your knees are up by your face, or have every bed you sleep in be so short that your legs hang off the end from the knee down? Oh, man. That's a short bed. That's not a bed. That's not even a bench.

If I sit on a park bench, I can get a little bit more than right to the knees. Oh, but that's tough. We sit a lot. I mean, you sit at work all day long. I'm here with Mike here in the sense that sometimes these questions are hard, and sometimes it's different for each of us. This one's super easy for me. Is it?

I have too big of a belly to be able to sit in a chair where the knees don't come up. Now I'm spread eagle to the side with my knees, stretching my groin out, because that's the only way i could possibly sit down if i said i'm a man giving birth all day exactly i can't sit and i'm not living that life i am every year there are a couple times a year when i am kind of in the situation where i have to sit like this and that is student teacher conferences yeah Yeah, they're little tiny chairs. Or parent teacher conferences. Just have a seat.

Yeah, they always say just have a seat. I'm like, I'm a grown man. Can I have four of these, please? Where's my chair? Yeah. Yeah, you stack them up. That's a good idea. Stack four of them up and then sit down.

Let's just stand. I don't know how long it would take to get used to sleeping with your legs hanging off the edge of the bed like that. We're going to be published in medical journals, so we should be able to figure this out. Peer reviewed. Would that be problematic? For health, absolutely. Blood flow.

This is a legit question. For blood flow, would that be a problem? In theory, you could then sleep on your stomach and your legs would just be. Just hyper-extending. That would suck so bad. Waking up the next morning after that. Your knees don't bend anymore. You're the tin man. Oh, man.

That hurts me just thinking about the visual. We've all laid like that. I've jumped on a bed or something and my legs are hanging off and it takes about four seconds for that to be too much and i'm at the age too where like when i make decisions about falling asleep on the couch tonight or like in a chair when i'm getting tired i have to make that decision like i know that when i wake up in the morning if i choose this path this path if i'm so tired i want to go to sleep right here i'm to wake up hurting. I'm going to wake up not feeling good.

That's such a wild life. I know. For you that you live that you're like, that's a decision that you can make. Because you sleep in a bed only. Yes. Or I can sleep on the couch, but I very, very rarely have I ever experienced the like, man, I'm so tired. If I don't get up, I'm going to fall asleep here. It's I choose.

Yeah. I'm going to go to sleep now. get up, I'm going to fall asleep here. It's I choose. Yeah. I'm going to go to sleep. But I think a lot of people fall asleep naturally anywhere. You don't just like late at night. If you're on your couch watching a show, you couldn't just fall asleep without. I envy you. It's happened. You watch movies at night. Yeah.

One of the reasons I watch shows and not movies at night is because I'd like to see the full part of a movie. And it's not going to happen if I start a movie at nine o'clock. I have to actively decide like, okay, I got to turn it off right here. This is a good stop point. Or I'll just stay up and watch the whole movie. Do you have a bedtime routine? As in, like, when you decide in your head, I'm going to bed,

is it like I'm doing these five things, I'm brushing my teeth, I'm doing this, I'm going straight to bed, I'm watching a show, I'm doing that thing? I remove my clothing. Okay. I lay down. Oh, yeah. Important part. And then I turn on the television. Is that bad? Is that not

a routine? No, that's a routine. Do you brush your teeth at night? No. Really? No. We've been over this. You don't brush them at night. Take that, dental hygiene. And you don't have cavities because you don't go to the dentist, so obviously you don't have them. Look, through the beginning of my life, I never had a cavity. This is spiraled.

So, yeah, now we're on my teeth again. But you can be in a fetal position on this short bed. You can absolutely. Yes, you can. So that path, I'm taking the bed. I can go fetal position sleep. I can get there. I don't think you could.

I'm just saying, I don't think you could. I want to. There are always these things I want you to test. I would rather not. There are always these things I want you to test. I would rather not. But I think if you had to sleep on a surface that small, you might fall asleep. You might fall asleep in the fetal position, and that would last for 20 minutes before you are.

It's our natural position. We go to it when we're scared. I'm sleeping crisscross applesauce. Can you go? Yeah. He's just sleeping, sitting up. If'm sleeping crisscross applesauce. Can you go? Yeah. He's just sleeping sitting up. If you sleep crisscross applesauce, you will never stand again. Oh, that's true. I'd wake up in the morning, and then my legs would not work.

How long can you sit like that now? Can you sit like that now? I don't know if I can sit like that, to be honest. I don't know. That's a test we can figure out. I'm voting the short bed. Jason's voting. He says he can't sit in a short seat.

Oh, Jason's going for it. Oh, he's trying to sit crisscross. You're going to try and crisscross in your actual little. There's not enough surface area. No, there's not. He's pulling. He's yanking. He's doing everything he possibly can.

He just knocks over something. YouTube.com slash spitballers if you want to see a broken man oh i did it successfully let's see how long hold on this is how you should be hurting your knees by the way all right doing something he actually has crossed his legs yeah there we go and i show this way and i am because dismounting is not happening yeah breathing has become more difficult. The temperature in the room went up at least nine degrees. What is your vote, Mike? I am going with the bed.

I've slept in a scenario. Like, if you ever sleep. You could do a one-leg hang. You could go, like, half feet of one-leg hang. But then what? So you have one, your legs are crossed? Sleep on your side. Okay? We're talking about belly or legs are crossed? Sleep on your side. Okay.

We're talking about belly or back, but you sleep on your side. You could do one leg kind of curled up, one leg hanging. I think that's a similar situation to being upside down. It won't feel good. Where it's just resting on the joint. All right. Brian from the website, would you rather give up salsa or queso for the rest of your life? Oh, that's easy.

Queso. Yeah, it's got to be queso. I mean, look, which one's more delicious? Queso. Yeah, it's got to be queso. I mean, look, which one's more delicious? Queso. Yes, but which one do you eat more? Yes. Salsa.

Because it's free. Let me change this just a little bit. You give up salsa, so that means whenever you sit down, when we go to a Mexican food restaurant, they bring you chips and queso. Yeah, if you change the frequency of which I can eat queso in my life, and it's the availabilities of Sam, I'm choosing to keep queso. Man, do you know how bad that would be for our health? Our hearts would stop moving.

Our stomachs would stop pooping. I mean, this is... Hold on. I'm not sure you want to go there. Your stomach doesn't definitely poop for you. I'm just imagining a big belly button turd now. Wait, that's not sure you want to go there. Your stomach doesn't poop for you. I'm just imagining a big belly button turd now. Wait, that's not how you go?

Oh, no. You don't just lay over the toilet? And then I'll lift your shirt up and go, comes right out my belly button. That's the sound. That sounds efficient, actually. Have i made it a minute here because you've made it a minute yeah you're i don't know no one's challenged you to do this i simply asked

if you challenged myself i'm feeling more sympathy for the chair at this moment than anything else the weight of my legs is that much no you just seem like you have some sturdy legs you're burdening it in a way that it's not been burdened. I am burdening all parts of my body right now. All right. So we're all, what's the final vote there? I mean, the problem is that salsa is always free. The chips and salsa, you just have more access to it.

But I would much rather have queso. Yeah, I'm taking the. It's far more delicious. I'm taking the salsa unless every time that there would be salsa, it was replaced with queso yeah i'm taking the far more delicious i'm taking the salsa unless every time that there would be salsa it was replaced with queso matt wants to know would you rather hear everything twice as loud or three times as quiet now i have a story here i probably brought it up before nobody is more sensitive to sound than my wife she can't't... At first, in our marriage, I thought, you're being a baby.

I didn't say that, but I kind of thought it. It was like, if the volume's a little too loud on the TV, or I'm in the Dolby movie theater, or somebody... It's like the nails across the chalkboard syndrome, but with lots of different sounds. But she legitimately is really,

really sensitive. we went to a concert for the first time in a while and you didn't bring earplugs and she brings them everywhere and she just didn't think about it so she didn't bring them and that's a rookie move realizing i don't know one second into the opening act that this was a mistake and i'm actually concerned about her at this point whether she can enjoy the show now yada yada yada she went to the bathroom stuffed some toilet paper in her ears for the show, and she was good. Right.

But hearing everything twice as loud can be very, very painful. Three times as quiet can be very, very, very annoying. Really, really annoying. Jason is still going with the crisscross. I am, but I'm more... Do you have deep vein thrombosis now? Soon.

It's on its way. Does anyone actually know what deep vein thrombosis is? You know what I sounded like? I should be in a medical journal, didn't I? It's just a really fun thing to say, and it sounds like an instrument. Deep vein thrombosis. Thrombone? Yeah.

Thrombosis. Deep vein thrombosis is in... Jason explains... Jason explains... Let's go. Jason explains in 60 seconds. All right. Let's hear deep vein thrombosis.

All right. So deep vein thrombosis is a medical condition that starts in the legs. And what happens is the veins, they become a little bit too far in. So, like, usually your veins are near the outside, near the epidermis, the skin. But it gets a little too deep. And that's why they call it that. But then here's the kick. What's the danger, though, Jason? Well, the danger is blood clotting and not being able to play the trombone

because what happens is in order to play the trombone, you have to be able to stand. And with deep vein thrombosis, a lot of times you can't stand long enough to play the trombone. I know a lot of people think that you can play sitting, but I was actually a trombone player growing up and i couldn't play sitting could you play standing i could not so but my shallow vein player i was a shallow vein uh trombone player thrombosis thrombosis and i think that's everything that you need to know it's just the veins are too far inside near the bones.

You don't want them wrapped around. No. I am looking it up. Yeah. It's apparently a very serious condition. It is. It happens on planes. But here's the thing. This is on the medical community.

You can't give something that's this serious a name that is this funny. That's on you. Can I take a shot at it? All right. I'm giving up on the Christmas. I want to take a guess before you define it. Because this is what happens on a plane, right? Yes, I can imagine it getting there.

If you don't end up moving your legs, your blood can collect at the lower parts of your legs and then cause potentially a stroke because of a blood clot? It's essentially a deep vein blood clot in your thigh or your lower legs. But it could happen quick. I feel like I was 100% right. I don't know. It could% right. I don't know. Happen fast?

I don't know, like two minutes of Indian style. Can you get it in that? The trombone part, Jason, you were not correct about. Well, that was the goof. That was the goof part. The goof part was the trombone. You were just tricking? Everything else was 100% factual and peer-reviewed.

Do you mind it being too loud? Would you take the twice as loud, Jason? No. I would have to have it twice as loud because of my wife. We've talked about this before. Apparently, our wives could not sit together and watch an English television program together. But they could watch a subtitled one? Is that what you mean?

Well, I'm saying whenever there's an accent, my wife needs the volume up to a degree that is... Basically, how loud can it go? Can the television go past 100 on the volume up to a degree that is like basically how loud can it go can the can the television go past 100 on the volume numbers does she do that with foreign language films too hoping that she will understand better 100 so is this a volume problem or simply her brain can't interpret through the accent no it's it's a true volume problem is it english like have you done an australian movie can you can you do a test here it's oh my groin um no the the reality is it's it's it's when i talk to her it's when kids talk to her it's when anybody talks with an english accent no i'm just saying the english accent exacerbates the problem okay um okay how is she on the trombone uh she she did not like when i played her uh my trombone okay all right mike

you are you are you shook your head you are not twice as loud i can't take twice as loud all right time for jason's favorite segment liar liar pants on fire love that. That needs to go for a while longer. I'm going 100% today. I'm not shooting for beating Mike or beating Andy. Every single one is going to be right. You explained it wrong last time, so I'm going to let Al Borland, smelly owl, explain it. I still don't know the rules, so tell me. It's two truths and a lie.

So we're going to go three rounds where there's a collection of two truths, one lie, and you need to identify the lie. And let me just say this. Spitwads, you're out there. If you see something that you think is unbelievable and it couldn't be true, please send it to Mr. Hoot himself so that we can have this segment more and more often. Keep hooting. All right. Our first round of Liar Liar. I'm going to read you the three statements that were put in here by Al Borland.

In 1952, Dunn Edwards was awarded a 100-year contract to provide all paint at the Hoover Dam. Okay. That is so logical, but I know better than to be tricked by big-brained Al Borland. That makes so much sense. I feel like that's got to be accurate. Number two, there are more trees on our planet than stars in our galaxy. Oh, come on. Now, see, that sounds ludicrous.

There's no way. Then there's our galaxy, and you're talking about stars, and you're not... I don't know. Our galaxy're not... I don't know. Our galaxy... Yeah, I don't know. That seems impossible. Our galaxy has... It's not the universe.

Right. That's my point. That's Milky Way. Yeah. Yeah, the Milky Way galaxy. So many stars. I mean, you're talking... It's got to be...

One star, two star, and then up. You just keep counting. Yeah, well, three stars, four stars. Four stars, yeah. I'm going to figure it out. And then the third one how long do i have lego produces over 50 more tires than any other tire brand including good year michelin and bridgestone what the heck no no no but these are lego tires oh that's super true

i'm seeing through the track i've heard that one before. And then 100% because... Because it sounds like a stupid lie. But Lego, they're making so many tires. I am officially weighing in. I'm going to go with my instincts here. I think that the Dunn-Edwards one is the lie. In 1952, Dunn-Edwards was awarded a 100-year contract to provide all paint at the Hoover Dam.

I think that's the lie. Yeah, 100% that's the lie because the lie seems like it's more trees in our planet than there are stars in the galaxy. That's way too obvious. Al Borland has been crushing this. Yeah. That's the issue. We're wising up. We're wising up.

Mike? I am not. I'm taking the trees. All right. There's got to be more stars. What is it? Jason and Andy are right. Yeah's got to be more stars. What is it? Jason and Andy are right. Yeah!

100% here I come. You know, it's nice to start not being completely fooled, all three of us, by Al. It feels good. Yeah, there's an estimated three trillion trees on this planet, which is more than the stars in the Milky Way galaxy. Yeah. How many, do we know how many stars we have? I should say, do you know?

Because we know. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. Let me ask you this. Did you make up the Don Edwards one from scratch, or was that like? It was made up, yes. Okay, all right. Oh, yeah. Milky Way says here about, what do we got?

250 billion. So this is not close. We got a little bitty baby one. Little baby galaxy. That's a lot of stars, though. But Andromeda's got a trillion and the IC 1101's got a hundred trillion. You feeling a little inferior in this galaxy?

Our galaxy sucks. At least it's got a candy bar. I like that quote. Yeah. That's a good point. Alright. On the board. Number two here. There are over twice as many IKEA catalogs printed each year than the Bible.

Okay. What? Over twice as many. Number two. During mating season, female cockroaches emit a sweet cotton candy-like scent. Delicious. And then number three. A single strand of spaghetti this one is called a spaghetti

because i will use this word so much the rest of my life can you pick up that spaghetti oh man i have so much spaghetti here uh but you can't say i have so much but you have to say i have spaghetti but i have a lot of spaghettos no because it's not that you wouldn't say i have so much. You have to say I have spaghetti. But I have a lot of spaghettos. No, because you wouldn't say I have a bunch of cactuses. I got a bunch of cacti. So I'm going to have to eat one spaghetto at a time. See, now you're grammatically correct. A single strand.

A single strand of spaghetti. You've got a spaghetto on your shirt. I think spaghetti is all, it's in the moose category a moose is a moose whether it's mini moose or one moose I just I love that word when when you started reading I looked and I saw

the the word spaghetti spaghetti and it just made me laugh that's look it's a tough place to grow up yeah in the spaghetti all right I I don't know if I can accept that one It's a tough place to grow up. Yeah. In the Spaghetti. In the Spaghetti. All right. I don't know if I can accept that one is true and stay self-respecting. Okay.

Now, here's the thing. How much trust do we have? I'm going to peel the curtain back here. This word in our shared doc is underlined red. At least it is for me. Not for me. It's not under is for me. Not for me. It's not underlined for me. So you're trying to cheat.

I'm not trying to cheat. I'm just saying it is not recognized. It is not underlined for me. Okay. So now we have differing spell checks. But now what happened to it? Now it turned red. You changed the word color red okay so there are either twice

as many ikea catalogs printed each year as the bible i'm buying that one they print so many of those things because every single product has a catalog yes and they have massive volume across the world yeah i buy that during mating season the female cockroach thing a little contrast between disgusting cockroaches and a sweet smell. I'm going to buy that. I'm not going to say a Spaghetti was real. I will not do it. Oh, man. That's my official answer.

Jason, you're going 100%. I'm going 100%, which is really tough because I want Spaghetti to be real. I just don't think it is. I'm going... It's between the cotton candy and the spaghetto and the cotton candy is what sucks is that too outlandish if it's outlandish but it makes sense because aren't i mean does it though yeah because bugs are always attracted to sweet i mean maybe that's just ants but i'm maybe i'm just lumping ants in with cockroaches all right they're all pests

what's your vote i'm going spagaghetti. As the lie. As am I. So we're staying together. Let's go 100% together. Yeah. Well, I can't just join the team. Then I'm going to go with the cockroaches one. All right. What is it, Al?

We got a tie. Oh, no. Oh, no. Mike's right. Mike is correct. So it is a Spaghetti. It is. 100%.

Oh, that's great news. That is great. So it is a Spaghetti. It is. How's that 100%? Oh, that's great news. That is great. Look, I'm happy to give up my 100% if it means that I can call a Spaghetti a Spaghetti. The next time you have Spaghetti, are you going to teach your kids a little lesson?

I'm 100%. I'll probably have Spaghetti tonight. Hand me a Spaghetti, honey. So, like Lady and the Tramp, they had a Spaghetti Smooch. Oh, Spaghetti Smooch. It was not a Spaghetti. Excellent point, Mike. If, of course, Al's telling the truth.

All right, the last one here, and we have all got one right, one wrong. McDonald's is the largest distributor of toys in the world, distributing more than Hasbro and Mattel. I know that was once true. I'm almost positive that that was once true. I shouldn't say that out loud, advantaging you guys. I now think that it is true. All right.

Every time you shuffle a deck of cards, you are likely holding a sequence of cards, which has never before existed in all of history. This is one of those idiotic, stupid things. Where it's the math thing. There are 52 cards in a deck, right? 56, 52? 52.

Didn't we have the thing where it's like... If you're with 30 people or something like that, then... You're going to have the same birthday. Somebody will have the same birthday. It's another one of those. Which still doesn't make sense. I've been told how it works and it's wrong. So you're likely...

You are likely holding a sequence of cards that has never existed before in all of history. Okay. And then number three, police officers earn the nickname cops or coppers because their badges were originally made from copper. That one seems so true. Yeah.

That one seems so true. Extraordinarily. Too true. Factual. There's no way that Al Borland made up the deck of cards one. If you made up the deck of cards, I would be so impressed. And the problem is I've been so impressed by him before in this game. Dang it.

That one is my final vote. I'm voting that the deck of cards is a lie. It has to be a lie. It doesn't have to be because it's Al. There's 52. So if you shuffle a deck of cards, which... But here's the thing. Here's why it has to be a lie. Tell me, how many times

has a deck of cards been shuffled? I don't know. More than... No, you don't know. Nobody knows. Nobody could ever fathom. Possibly know. But so mathematically...

But the sequence, yeah. I mean, look, you can go... Well, hold on. What is the actual formula that you go with? Is it one over... Do you know what show we're on? Well, Jason's really good with these types of things. He's good with percentages, and he just happens to know that section of math.

So is it one over 52 times one over 52? I think it's like 52 times 52 times 52 or something like that. That's what I mean. That's where I would go. So 52 to the 52nd power? Yes. Something like that? Something like that.

I think it's 52 times and that number has to be outrageously 52 times 52 times 52 which may not be that 52nd power thing that's 140 600 nate which obviously we have shuffled more decks than that before yeah okay i'm going with the cards oh no owl boy he got's got me all twisted up in knots and we're ignoring the McDonald's one because Andy was like yeah I know that's true oh man this

that's where I say that you guys go first and I vote that one last the barbem is the McDonald's and the police one sounds so it sounds so true they're just so right let's work together here. I don't want Al to win this. That's the situation. Working together, because the police

one sounds so true, is there another feasible explanation for being called cops or coppers that makes sense to you? Certainly. Because that could be, if we figure that out, then we know. Well, it's because of the game Cops and Robbers. So they were like, oh, okay. Let's call police officers cops because they're the opposite of robbers. Because they're the game. Because the game Cops and Robbers so they were like oh okay let's call police officers cops because they're

the opposite of the game yeah because the game cops and robbers obviously that's the origin you are a genius um oh man i can't think of why they'd call them cop other than the badges all right i'm voting that way this one makes me oh you're changing to the no no i'm voting the deck of cards is a lie. It's too true. I'm going with the police officers. It's too true. Too true. Too true.

All right, Jason. Man, I'm going to lose so bad. Look, I only want the chance to win, and so at this point, I have to go McDonald's. Remember when the start of this thing, I'm going 100%. I'm not just playing to win. Al will not win if you do that. Yes, that's the point. All right, who's the actual winner today? It's not Jason.

He went 33%. Oh, man. Next time. The winner is Mike. Yes. Yes, it was too true. Cops are actually called cops. Because the cops are robbers, right?

No. They would go cop the bad guys. They would go nab them up and put them in the slammer. That's not a thing. I don't get that. They would cop a bad guy. That's not a verb. To cop something means to take or capture. Yes, it does.

Cop is definitely used in the shoe game a lot. Okay. You copped a pair. Thanks for sharing that. Yeah, when Andy was like, let's think about this. Is there another word that cops could be called from? You're like, and now, mister. Look, my brain went to a place where it could not escape. And a fun fact about the playing cards is there's actually as many sequences

of cards that could exist in a deck more than atoms on the planet. What? That's not true. Okay, so L is the... That was so confusing, I could barely spit it out. But is it... Am I on track that it's like

it's 52 to the 52nd? It's 52 factorial, which is equal to 8.06 E plus 67. Oh, so whenever the E comes up on the calculator... Oh, the E is in. You know, that number is gigantic. You E plus 67. Oh, so whenever the E comes up on the calculator. Oh, the E is in. You know, that number is gigantic. It's broken. You broke the calculator.

Yeah, E means error. When the E comes up on the calculator, it's like, oh, this couldn't do that math. That is, yeah, that's the explanation. That number is what keeps coming up everywhere. I'm sorry, 8.06 E plus 67. What does that even mean? And then literally at the end of this explanation, it says, a number that means absolutely nothing to me.

So wait, wait, wait, wait. Also, I want more. What about that one with the stars in the universe? More combinations of that than atoms on the planet. Well, you want to know why? We did the math wrong. Oh, it makes so much sense in my head now. Oh, explain it.

It's not just 52 cards. They're not. It's the math wrong. Oh, it makes so much sense in my head now. Oh, explain it. It's not just 52 cards. They're not. It's the subsets. It's all the different suits of cards mixed into it when you think of sequences. It's not just having 52 numbers or 52 variations. It's all the subsets. Well, no, because 52 is the number of each individual card. That's true.

Now it is 52. But thanks for being. Well, this is a very- Well, that's draft. The Spitballers Draft. Yeah, my head is breaking. Yeah, well, a calculator can't do it, so your brain, your feeble little brain can't handle it. And what's crazy is if you think about how many casinos there are around and they're literally constantly shuffling cards

all day and the fact that you would still have a unique combination if you shuffled another way that we go is 8.06 times 10 to the 67th power. Okay. So there you go. Wow. That's amazing. All right. We are drafting

states. We are we have 50 to choose from. That's that's where we're at now, right? 50? We have 50 states? That is currently the number of states that the United States has. Okay. So no territories allowed. That's correct. All right. You're picking states. It's very simple. I have prepared not at all for this draft, but I am going to use that incredible wit displayed in the math equations to figure out what is the best state. Is there a... Can I get a list of states?

Oh, come on. You can get through nine or ten, can't you? Oh, we're going all 50. You have the first pick. I do have the first pick because you guys always give me the first pick on drafts that just don't matter. Okay. There's no...

All right. There's no 101. Yeah. Fair enough. But there is a 101 in my family. To my family, and I think you guys think I'm going somewhere else, but my daughter, Jersey, is so incredibly 100% obsessed with theater and Broadway and New York that if I came home,

if I walked in my house and said, hey, we did a draft. We got states. I'm going to hear this. Did you get New York? I'm going to tell her. Your daughter sounds like she's got a virus. She has a demon. I'm going to tell her

I got New York just for you. I could have had any state I want. Yes. And New York wouldn't be my choice, but this is for you, Jersey. New York would not be. Well, it technically is your choice. It would not be my choice, and I feel like I was going to be pigeonholed, and I have

to take New York. There you go. I am so ecstatic that I don't have to take it. And I am so ecstatic, too, because I thought there was a very clear one-on-one. Oh, you're talking about Cali. I'm talking about Hawaii. Hawaii. Oh, really? I'm Cali. I'm talking about Hawaii. Oh, really?

I'm taking Hawaii. That is my pick without question. Okay. There are beaches and there are states with beaches and then there is Hawaii. New York's got beaches. There you go. I am taking Hawaii with the one. I'll put my beaches up against your Hawaii.

I'm taking it with the 102, wink, 101. It's nicely done. Now, Mike, you said before this draft that there was a clear 101. You would not reveal it. I felt like it was very clearly Hawaii. It was very clearly Hawaii. Okay. You know what?

I will say this, Jason. I was going to take New York second. All right. I thought about a bunch of different states. What a weird world. I thought California will never possibly drop to me. Yeah, you can take California. I will take a bunch of different states. What a weird world. I thought California will never possibly drop to me. Yeah, you can take California. I will take California with my first pick.

Aside from Hawaii, you have places with the best weather in the entire United States. So weather is one, number one there? Yes. Weather, then like what, beaches, Disney, what is that? I rank them. Earthquakes, you love earthquakes, right? I'm going theme parks. Oh, you love tsunamis and stuff?

We don't need to play that game. You like your volcano? We are literally playing that game. But yeah, California. I would go theme park second and then beaches third. But California, I'm going with that with my first pick. With my second pick. Uh-oh.

It's a lot harder now. there's a teardrop here uh i'm gonna go with colorado dang it now i'm completely desperate i'm gonna go with colorado i thought i could softball that one easily if i'm not in the the beach area mountains would be my second pick for like it's just beautiful. I'm in so much trouble. Some people love skiing. There are two. My butt does not like skiing. There are two states that I really want, and I get one of them, so I'm happy about that.

Mike, what are some other reasons that you love Colorado? Well. Stall. How dare you? It's got the city of Denver, which the Denver Broncos play there. And for a while, it was my son's favorite team. Legendary Hall of Fame quarterback John Elway was the quarterback of that team for a while. Then he became the GM, and he's wrecking the team now.

Legendary Hall of Fame quarterback Peyton Manning. Also, yes. This has been so helpful. I'm taking Florida. Yeah. I'm taking Florida with this pick. Although there were a couple options in my head there, and I'm hoping one drops to me, but I'm going to take Florida, the Sunshine State.

You got beaches. You've got theme parks. You've got the East Coast, California. The funny part about Florida is there's just so many insane people in Florida. The stories that come out of that state are incredible. The weather is not what California is, obviously. Oh, no. You've got humidity.

Oh, the summer in Florida, you're walking around inside of an armpit. But you do have Disney World. You do have, I don't know, is it good to have alligators? I'm going to say yeah, because I just picked Florida. So, Jason. Can you imagine just living in a world? There's alligators everywhere. Yeah.

What are we doing? It feels like Jurassic Park. Why did we get there and go, yeah, this is where I'm stopping here? What do you propose we do about this, Mike? Just get rid of the alligators. I mean, that's a solution. I thought maybe domestication. Saddle them up.

Ride them. If you could ride them. Befriend them. If you could ride an alligator. If I rode an alligator, it would be like sitting in the small chair. That's true. Am I wrong? You can go legs up.

Legs up on the alligator. Just straight. I'm not that dexterous. You've got to have good core muscles. I could sleep on an alligator. Here's the thing. Some people, they think they think oh pitbulls shouldn't be a family dog right because if something bad happens they can be vicious right

you know pitbulls could be good dogs but then pitbulls are great yeah but then you know they're famous for their vicious attack well alligators are a little more. If it goes wrong, I'm going to say you should like that one. I'm much more scared about that one. So let's not domesticate. All right. Let's get rid of. So. All right.

Oh, man. I thought you had two states you wanted. I did. But I've got two picks now. Oh. So one of them was Florida. I was really hoping to get that one. This is ironic because my

children both have a weird love for a state. And I'm going to take... Who's in charge of your draft right now? I'm a loving father. My kids is the answer. I foresee next week us talking about the draft and Jason

losing going, well, I didn't lose. Yeah, my kids. I just took the ones my kids wanted. And I'm going to bring them over to the computer and say, Jason, come here, come here, come here. Look at what you've done. Look at my loss. But I am going to take Texas because for some reason, my son has always loved Texas, wants to go to college in Texas. Since he's like, really? Since he was like four.

This is just like arbitrary. From an acreage perspective, it's a solid pick too. Well, and that's where I'm going with my next one. I'm going acreage. Are you? Ooh. Are you going? I'm going land because I'm scrolling through.

Anchorage? Yes. Because I'm scrolling through all these states, and here's what I realized. We have about five popular states, and then it's like, oh, this, everything else just sucks. I mean, like- There are a lot of offended people right now. No, and then it's like, oh, this, everything else just sucks. I mean, like. There are a lot of offended people right now. No, and I get that.

All living in the best state in the nation. Yes, your state, where you're listening from, is awesome. Not really. We live in a non-awesome state. It's okay. I'm going to take Alaska because it is. That would have been my next pick. It's so unique.

It's so different. Have you ever been? I get the most land. Have you ever been most land? I've never been to Alaska. I have never been. People always talk about the Alaskan cruise and just how incredibly breathtaking it is to see what's going on up there. I just have a problem cruising to a cold place.

No, no. Oh, it's fine. But this is a Titanic situation. This is like, I want my boats not where icebergs are. You know, the Titanic really gave a bad name to cruising into icebergs. They did. They really did. Selfish, if you think about it.

Al, what do we got going on so far? All right, Jason has New York, Texas, and Alaska. Andy has Hawaii and Florida. Mike has California and Colorado. All right, all right. This is interesting because I thought you were going to take this state, so I'm going to snag it while I can. I'm going to take Nevada.

Oh, I was not going to take it. But you do get Las Vegas and a bunch of land. You do get Las Vegas and nothing else. Roswell, right? No, that's New Mexico, which I will not be taking. Here's the thought. True. I'm looking for unique characteristics in a state.

You got Vegas, man. And you have Las Vegas and all the sites and shows and strip and everything. You have drafted. Let's make no mistake about this. The three. You drafted Las Vegas. You didn't draft Nevada. Well, no, you have.

You drafted. You got Area 51. That's what I was thinking about., no, you have Area 51. That's what I was thinking about. Area 51, yes. And don't they have, like, isn't Reno Nevada? Isn't there something else? Reno is the distant ugly cousin of Las Vegas. Don't they have Laughlin?

Yeah. I love going on Laughlin trips. Well, you did contend there were no other cities. I'm not saying there's no other cities. I'm saying there's no other reasons to draft it. Mike has two more. I'm going to be really, really disappointed if he takes my final pick, but we'll see. Okay.

Mike, you have to draft. I have no idea what it is. There's a lot of states, so I feel okay about this. I think at this point, I would, and this is just my advice to you, because the polls, and you want them to look good right uh i would stick with the alliteration you've got going on right now you've got california and colorado okay maybe a connecticut can i interest you in connecticut please say kentucky yes kentucky well that's still alliteration it's still alliteration that's true that's true no i'm just going to establish

dominance dorothy established dominance of the west coasts okay so'm just going to establish dominance. Ooh, you can get Dorothy. Establish dominance of the West Coast. Okay. So I'm going to take Oregon and Washington. Oh, wow. This is like a risk. This is a whole risk situation. Yep. Yes, I own the entire West Coast.

You have the Pacific. Yes. Outside of Hawaii. So Hawaii, that's Pacific, right? It's in the Pacific Ocean, but i have the pacific northwest and california and look your awareness on hawaii has seemed pretty low yeah that's fair that's fair i i love tell me more about this hawaii now hawaii is so that is in the pacific ocean yes correct. And that's down left. Down left from California. Wherever you're at, it's down left.

Okay. All right. All right. So Mike's final roster is California, Washington, Oregon. What was your other one? Colorado. Colorado. Okay.

Well, I... So you're all touching. Wait. No. Wait a minute. Let me pull up a map. Let No. Wait a minute. Let me pull up a map. Let me pull up a map. Oh, you are a little ways off, my friend.

I have destroyed our deaths. I am not landlocked. No. Hold on. Let's see where Colorado is. Close-ish. Yeah. Look, I'm giving myself a pass because you're only two full states away from touching.

Colorado does not, just listeners, Colorado does not touch California or Washington. That reminds me of a funny story. A family vacation, much younger. We went up. We were doing the East Coast, and we were driving it. And for some reason, my father thought, yeah, no, don't worry. I got this, guys. So we're driving, and this is the age of maps.

Oh, yeah. Maps. I don't think MapQuest was even around yet. We're talking paper. These are maps in the car. My mom's navigating. No GPS. Paper, and you go, I think we're here.

Correct. We were driving down. My father missed the entire state of Pennsylvania. Just missed it? We were supposed to be going to Philadelphia, and all of a sudden we missed Pennsylvania. And it is a legendary story. That is why I live on the West.

That's a Dumb and Dumber story happening in real life. It happened. He was not happy. Oh, my goodness. California, Colorado, Oregon, Washington, not landlocked. I have Hawaii, Florida, and Nevada. I am so thankful that I get this final pick. It wasn't likely you would take it, Mike,

but with your Colorado pick, I would be devastated if my state draft didn't have a state that appreciated the great things of nature. Therefore, I am actually taking. That's why I got Oregon, too. I am taking Montana. All right. And it's for Yellowstone.

And obviously, Yellowstone touches Wyoming as well. Enjoy your super volcano to go with your other volcanoes. I am taking the great state of Montana. Montana's next to Hawaii, right? Next door, yes. All right, so for my last pick, I don't want a state. Istanbul. I don't want any of these lousy states.

What would your kids do right here? Obviously, that's where you're going. That's a good question. My kids would move away to Texas and New York, and then they would beg to have Florida and California for theme parks. So you have New York, Texas, Alaska. You have a lot of acreage. So I can

go here with our home state. You can go with a lot of states. Well, yes, there are plenty of states I could go with here. But the ones in consideration... 48, 49 options here? I'm sorry, 39 options? Yes, we have drafted one state.

Our math is on fire today. So good. I could draft Arizona where we're from, where our family is. Grand Canyon. Do it. But the problem with that is I hate Arizona. Come on. No, no, no.

I just don't like it at all. And sometimes in the summer, I hate it. I could drive Michigan. Right shout out to to brooks we know people from michigan i've got your drafting states entirely based on what your kids like or now apparently places your friends have been from i met a guy there i met a guy from michigan but instead i'm actually going to look we've got uh every four years we've got elections and i'm going to take a state that's like one of those, ooh, this state matters.

You're drafting a swing state? I'm drafting a swing state. Give me Ohio. Okay. I get Cleveland. Yeah, you get Cleveland. Cincinnati. Lucky man.

You just took Ohio over Michigan. Oh. In fairness, those are the same state to me. I hear weather there is just a real treat compared to Arizona. Yeah. The weather's about the same as Oregon. I would have taken Minnesota. I feel like I want to search states people are moving to.

Dude, I love Minnesota. Minnesota's a great state. We did our live show there, and the people came out and were awesome. Great people, beautiful state. Winter. If I had a Control-Z, I would have taken absolutely Minnesota. I figured you would, but... Yeah, but I didn't.

But I got Ohio! You did. I would have taken it if it weren't for my strategy of... Of having all the states connect. Establishing dominance. Yes. Oh, my goodness. What did we learn today? What did we learn today?

What did we learn today? I learned a lot. We learned that we drafted 12 states. Here's what I want to learn today. Did we have a... Each producer, did we have a major miss on the states draft? Since there were so many options, is there one that you think could have, I don't know,

replaced Ohio, perhaps? I know, replaced Ohio perhaps? I love Massachusetts. Do you? It's beautiful. I've never been there. That's a fair pick. The East Coast people are going to be really upset with us. Yeah.

We've got a little bias here on the West. They have their own. Yeah. We have more size with our states. Yeah, that's right. Take that. We're best coast. We do rhyme.

Yeah. Take that least coast. Brooks, is it the Minnesota pick? No, Michigan. I actually love Arizona since I've moved here. Because it's a wonderful state. Yeah. If someone had snagged a couple other ones earlier, which state has the best time zone?

Arizona is beautiful. Oh, that's true. Arizona, you deal with no snow. I get the Grand Canyon. You get the Grand Canyon. You can drive up north two hours or three hours to Flagstaff get beautiful woods brooks but you think nevada is better i think it's more unique because of the like all right the vegas piece but the grand canyon could easily count better than brooks you you like michigan right where you're from beautiful state you think

i should have taken that over ohio right yes and. And you love Arizona, where you live now, right? Yes. I love where you're going here. I believe with all my heart that wherever you live, you will love. I mean that like if you're in, what's the worst state? Because you would say, I love it. It's beautiful. I actually have the five states people are most moving away from. Oh, let's have it.

It's actually, believe it or not, Arizona. I don't know. I'm sure that California is on that list. Out of the outbound states here, the top five that experienced the highest percentage of outbound moves. Hawaii, New York, Illinois, South Dakota, Wyoming. Oh, Cali wasn't on it? Yeah, Hawaii makes it. It's a tough place to live for a long time.

Yes. You have to have a certain person to stay landlocked or stay on an island for your entire life well today i learned i didn't really learn it is just reinforced of jason's knowledge of of geography so just continues to amaze and i learned uh i learned that spaghetto is oh yeah that's amazing that's what we all learned. I also learned a lot about, more about trombones today than I have in a while. I learned that I cannot crisscross applesauce for very long. Not without a deep vein trombone.

Thanks for tuning in. We'll see you next week. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. What? To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballers podcast what to see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballers pod.com keep hooting is this is this microphone off is the show over is it done yeah is this off

yeah this is hello no we're we're done we gosh i'm so al you stopped recording right hello okay thank you thank goodness god that episode sucked oh gosh i don't want to do this anymore no i was this is i'm i'm ready to walk away from you two whoever is how do we get rid of all the spit wands well that's the only that's the only thing I still want to be part of. How do you do that? The only way I'm staying on this show is if people go to spitballerspod.com and they're like, I want to be a spit wad. And they click become a spit wad, then maybe I'll stay on the show.

That's it. That's the only way? So this is the final episode. I don't know how we're going to get that information to people, but maybe next episode we could talk. We could record it. But I thought it was the last one. Well, sure. That's what I'm saying. If people don't go right now,

then this show's over. I'm just glad it's done. I'm out of here. Goodbye.