Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 9: Time Travel and a Battle Royale - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 13, 2018

Should you let kids win or teach them valuable life lessons with devastating losses. The answer might surprise you. Also, who would win in a fight between a human and an elephant? It's totally up to you on the latest episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast! We even have a tip on how to get in shape and eat all the bad stuff you can handle.  Make sure you tell your friends and family about the Spitballers and drop us a rating if you enjoy it. Check out other episodes at SpitballersPod.com.  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Hey guys, how you doing? Life is so good. It is. Life is good. I mean, we have such a reprieve for this 45 minutes.

Like, things are so busy, things are so crazy, the world's crazy, and now it's like... There's ups, there's downs in life, and then there's the spitballers podcast. You can all speak for yourself because I'm over here. I'm already tilting. I have the number one pick in our mock draft. Speaking of which how did the poll results

work out for last week? Now last week we drafted the action stars. Action stars. Yeah. So look. Andy's asking it like he doesn't know that he won. Well, first of all, I have to apologize to the spit wads out there because I made so many mistakes on social media this week. I didn't put the poll up. Someone was like, hey, you don't put the poll up too early. It'll spoil it. So I say, hey, everybody, we're going to put the poll up at twitter.com slash spitballerspod on Wednesday.

So I let the people know. And then instead, Tuesday rolls around and you guys are like, why is the poll up? So I put the poll up on a day that I didn't say I was going to put the poll up. And then I only made the poll open for one day. So it was like the shortest window. And by the time Wednesday rolled around, when I said the poll up and then i only made the poll open for one day so it's like the shortest window and by the time wednesday rolled around when i said the poll would be up so what you're saying even vote is the results of that poll where andy won are actually they are they are erroneous they it is not actually a fair poll i fully support the poll

i think the results are accurate because we have this thing around the spitballers. It's a pretty large sample size, multiple thousands of people. Yeah, it's over 4,000 votes, so I will go ahead and count it. Do it again, I dare you. Same results. Here's the results from our action movie stars draft. And I won't say who was drafted because I don't want to spoil. If you're new to the Spitballers, go back, listen, have a good time.

Just know that Andy took it down with 43%. Mike was second place with 32%. And I was super happy with my 25%. I can't believe you got 25% with that team. Look, we have a threshold here. We have maybe the... 8%. Every poll that goes up, nobody wants to be under 8%

because Andy and I are tied. We have both finished at 8%. Thank you, Small World Ride. That's your own fault. We have a great show today because I believe that the draft at the end of today's show will be the most hotly debated, most exciting, most dangerous of all drafts that we have ever done. People are going to be screaming at the podcast while we're hemming and hawing as to who to draft.

They're going to go, what are you doing? There's a clear winner here. But as per usual on the Spitballers podcast, we have some life advice we're going to dish out first. We're going to get real with you. We're going to help you. And then we've got some would-you-rather questions. It's going to be a blast. It's going to be fun. Work this show into your

Monday routine. Because it comes out every single Monday, so that's a good day to work it into your routine. Yeah, it's a great day. And you can follow us on Twitter at SpitballersPod. That'll let you participate in those polls and that lively debate. You can follow us or visit our website, SpitballersPod.com, if you want to send in a question or would you rather, a life advice,

a what would you do question. We're on Facebook, Instagram, wherever you are. Just look for SpitballersPod and then follow us, and your life will be just that much better. It'll be incredibly slightly better. Yes. It's a very slight fraction of a percent, but up. Fraction of a percent in the right direction.

If you want multiple fractions of improvement, I recommend going to Apple Podcasts and reviewing the show. Oh, yeah. Obviously in a very positive way. You'll feel good about yourself. The more stars, the happier you'll be. True. Fair?

Very fair. Spitballers to the rescue. All right. Let's jump into some life advice let's let's come to the rescue for at pat pin alver off of twitter who asked this question now i'm glad that the question is not just six words long because it says is it okay to beat your kids no it's not is it okay to beat your kids in everything to let them know that life is not easy or should i take it easy on them for their self-esteem oof this is a this is a tough

question that every single parent wrestles with and you go through it uh i am of i i used to be one way really and now i lean a little bit the other way because of there's a particular story that i will share i was playing i was playing super mario kart with my boy and at this time he was probably six, five or six. And he's new to the game. He's newer to video games in general. It's Super Mario Kart. So if I wanted to, I could lap him probably three times. You're darn right you could.

So we're racing. We're going one-on-one. He gets in front of me. I am locked and loaded with a red turtle shell. If you're not familiar with Super Mario Kart, what a red shell does is it's a heat-seeking missile, and it would take the person out who is in front of you. I would easily pass him and win the race.

I pulled up. Oh. I pulled up. You let him have the win. In my head, I'm like, I'm going to let him have this one. He's just a kid. Beat dad. So I let him win. You know what the thanks I get for this?

In your face, dad. You suck. I beat you. Sounds like your kid. So my son gave me the business for beating me at Super Mario Kart, and henceforth he does not beat me at anything ever again until he earns it. There was the best. I saw you do the foot race with him.

Yes, that's what I was going to bring up. This was after Mario Kart. So on top of that, I guess i can follow up with that story i'm driving home and we had my son had football practice flag football practice he's feeling himself feeling a little uh fast thinking that he's the hot stuff he's high and mighty and he says dad i think i could beat you in a race and And I said, I didn't even entertain this. I said, no, no, you can't. He said, yeah, I think I can beat you.

I said, no, no, you can't. I'm giving him nothing in this. I'm just shutting it down. Just being a good, honest parent. And I don't even know how the idea of a bet came up. I believe he was actually the one who brought it up and he said okay i'm gonna race you dad if i win i get to eat ice cream for every single meal of a day and if you win i don't get to eat ice cream for a week oh and then i said. I've seen the video. So we eventually went out.

We had the race. I ran. I was. There was no pulling up in that race. I was insufferable. I went. I was running backwards. I'm doing leaps.

I got in his face when the race was over. So I am on. He's old enough to handle it. I wonder how he learned to give you the business in victory. Here's my technique. When you win, you let people know. It was such a great, I mean, it was a bad day for your son, but a life lesson learned.

Here's my advice, okay? There's a happy medium, right, where you can let the children have their fun, but you must establish dominance yes you must establish the pecking order we'll be out in the backyard playing basketball on our smaller basketball hoop my five year old isaac is like you know oh i'm so good you know no play hard and i'm like i am playing hard he's like no do your best your best. And I go, okay. And then I make sure he knows that he cannot shoot without that ball going.

You're going in the rocks to go get it. Because I'm volleyball spiking every single shot. You're going Elijah one. Oh, I'm dunking on this fool. It's a small hoop. I tell him, go steal. You dunk on him? Oh, Isaac's going to get it. And he knows that my best will always be your best, beat your best for now and for always. And then I go back.

And then I go back and I say, but let's just have fun. Now he knows who's king of the castle. I find that it is very difficult. I thought it would be very easy for me to let my kids win at things. But I have found out. You're so competitive. No, it's not the competition. It's the boredom.

I find myself incredibly bored when I have to play a game. Because you're not playing. At one-fourth speed, it's going through the motions. It's not fun for me. I want to play a game. I would much rather play a game that I can try. He plays it on the easy setting, and I play it on hard against each other. Handicap.

Yes, handicap. Like the old Mario Kart games where everything kind of evens out. We played, because we're on the Super NES Classic, so it's got Street Fighter on there, and it's got that in there where you can increase or decrease your how much damage. Per player? Yeah, how much damage your guy does. So, yeah, that's great. How much damage your guy does. So, yeah, you even it up with that.

But I'm with you. So either we are great or we are terrible people. I'm not sure which side you are. I'm pretty sure we're great. Let me ask you this question. Mike, let's say you lived your whole life thinking you beat your dad at 5, 10, 20 different things that you remember from your childhood. And then he walks up to you today and he goes, I want you to know I let you win at all 20 of those.

How do you feel? I can say. Does it just strip away your pride? No, because it was a while ago, but I had reached the point where I could beat my dad at almost everything. So it's completely nullified by the fact that I'm now better than him. Oh, here's what I'm doing when that happens. Did you get that? Did you get that? Oh, he knows.

He knows. I learned a lesson from my sister. Okay, so you know how girls... I'm the worst. I'm the worst. Girls grow faster than boys right like if if you look at eight an eight-year-old uh lineup of a classroom the girls are like right they hit the girls two feet taller than the boys well i have a two-year-old two-year-older sister that we grew up with and when we were young and

she's already even if we were the same age she's's bigger. She's, you know, she's gigantic. And I'm this little thing. We fought. I mean, physically. Like, we just were like, we'd wrestle. We had this, we had two games. One game was we tried to slap each other right in the center of the face. Right on the nose.

Wait, are we talking a slapping? Open hand? Open hand. But is this a side? From the side? Or are you saying, are you trying to flatten her nose? A volleyball spike. No, this is the terrible, Bruce Lee murderous...

You're talking... It's a face punch. It's a face punch. You're darn right. That's a palm strike. A palm strike right to the nose. This was our goal. You're trying to...

Haven't you seen the last Boy Scout? Bruce Willis takes a guy out doing that move. Not when I was six. I still had parents. Fair point. So the thing is, is we play this game and she would destroy me. That explains so much about your face. The age came where all of a sudden I'm starting to catch up.

Now it's like, oh, it's on. Oh, she's too old for that. Oh, she's too old for this. And you know what? When my sons can beat me, I'm done playing. I will never let them beat me. My sister is also about two and a half years older than me and was much larger than me.

As soon as the tables shifted shifted that's when she came to me with the alliance ah so she worked it out she was smart i have quite a few scars pinch scars on my body she at one point in on a family road trip bit me and her tooth came out in my arm. What? Yeah. And then, as soon as, just when I was about to kick her butt. Wait, wait, wait. You said she bit you. Yeah. And your tooth came out.

No, her tooth. Did I say mine? I think you did. I was so confused. Whatever. Either way, so she was the biter and it was also her tooth. That's how hard I got bit. Oh, man. All right.

Oliver says on Twitter, wife wants me to eat healthy and not get fat, but candy slushies and shakes keep calling my name. What should I do? Story of my life. Protein shakes. Problem solved. Do you get to the point where if you go candy slushies and shakes enough, is like a daily apology when you take your shirt off?

Is that the rule? Because this is the spouse, right? The spouse, they deserve better. Yeah, but they're locked in already. That's such a selfish thing to say. It goes both ways. We're both locked in. I mean, this

is the whole thing of letting yourself go. You get married so you can relax already. So maybe someone needs to invent an app where each day, whoever wakes up and pushes the button, it's either healthy or fat day. And if one of the spouses presses

fat, it lights up fat on the other phone so you both know you're off the hook. You know what I mean? So you're in it together. And that forces me to get up earlier every morning so I can push the fat button. I don't want one of those healthy days. You gotta go.

Can you gain a lot of weight on slushies? What? Isn't a slushies? What? Isn't a slushie just like ice? It's pure sugar. And then 200 grams of sugar. This is from Andy. That's what a slushie is made of. I don't eat a lot of slushies. This is from Andy, who when we were trying to get healthy last year and lose weight,

was bragging about he's put away the ice cream. He was just sitting out. Instead, he just thought he would eat a bag of tortilla chips as if that's healthy tortilla chips are like the least healthy these tortilla chips had flax seeds distributed very liberally oh doesn't that make them healthy here's here's actual real advice okay you get the one sheet day keep yourself accountable for six days and one day like one sheet week when per month when this is a true story when uh i had i got married i had let myself go and then i took i had to be honest with myself and i said i'm getting this right and i went full full p90x like the most hardcore you could get once i started involving 90 double x when uh i

started involving the cheat day it was extreme i would dream so so on the way to uh because i would i would play church in the morning in the band, Sonic is open for breakfast. Sonic's drive-thru, it's a fast food restaurant. That should not be illegal. But they also would give you burgers if you wanted them. Oh, wow. So in the morning for breakfast, I would get their giant double cheeseburger.

That's so good. A super-sized fry, super-sized Coke. Cheese fries? And, and no i got the regular fry because then i would also get a large mozzarella stick oh my god that's that was my breakfast on cheat day but because i was i would take care of business during the other six days i was able to i was able to still get it wait you're saying you're saying with an epic extreme cheating one day of the week, you lost weight. Yeah, because I was so-

Your metabolism gets punched that one day, but it's not bad for you. Because I was really, really strict the other six days, especially with working out. Tim Ferriss. Yeah, Tim Ferriss talks about this. Tim Ferriss talks about this all the time. He says, if you do a slow carb diet, and he says on your cheat day, he literally says, if you want to eat until you throw up, that is totally fine. This sounds great.

I will break this system. The six days are tough, man. I will prove it wrong. I can do it. My wife's going to be like, what is this $60 bill from Taco Bell? How could you spend that much there? Not only did I spend that much, I ate that much. That's what I'm going to do. I will prove that day wrong, but I think that's good advice.

Go cheat day. Oh my gosh. Yeah, that's seven days are cheat days. If you're going to do the cheat day, you have to be responsible and exercising in the other days of the week. You can't have like two days leading into cheat day and then two days leading out of it and then you've got like two days cheat day is 36 hours let me

ask you guys if you do this it's a it's a day on on mercury so i i am i i got the uh the just the compulsive compulsory no where am i looking for? Yeah, but the – Whatever. Compulsion. Thank you. I'll go with that. Compulsion of I got to start at the beginning of like the week. So I know that sounds weird of I have to start at the beginning. I know. I get how that's a weird statement, but it was always, okay, my diet will start on Monday.

Chih-Chi Day Sunday? It was. But like before I started, if it would get to Wednesday and I have messed up, I'm restarting on Monday. Right. So it doesn't matter what I do. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Yes.

It's the New Year's resolution philosophy. Yeah. Yes, exactly. I can only do it on January 1st. Just to be able to check the box. Because it's not cheating if you haven't started. So my famous last words for a long time were, Diet starts Monday.

Oh, well, let's move on. Would you rather? AJ Greenbean on Twitter. Would you rather be forced to have a mullet or forced to wear a fanny pack for the rest of your life? Oh, rest of life. This is fanny pack in the

front. This is easy. Or would you rather have the mullet? Yeah, it's got utility. I'm shocked. I thought for sure you were going with mullet because you could rock a mullet. you could rock a mullet. I have had a mullet.

Yeah, I'm surprised you currently don't have a mullet. Not when I was young. We're talking I had one of those. I had a hipster mullet. I've had all kinds of different haircuts. But a fanny pack, if I can lighten the load on these pockets because I have to do it and I'm going to have to wear a fanny pack, I'm going to have some wicked cool fanny packs. Here's the thing.

If you have to do one or the other, so that means, okay, let's say I selected the fanny pack. Now that means I have to wear a fanny pack. It's not my choice. I feel like that is the best thing that's ever happened to me in my life because – That's a strong statement jason fanny packs are great if they were socially acceptable i would already choose to wear it every day when i go to disneyland you best believe i've got a fanny pack on holding my cash that would be nice my change that would be nice fantastic i look like a goober well it technically it's fanny-tastic oh yeah low-hanging fruit i

missed it yeah forgive me gentlemen and but that accessorizing is incredible i mean you go to disneyland to be clear you got mickey on there i want to be clear if you're wearing a fanny pack for the rest of your life you're wearing you're showering with that fanny pack. Oh, that's the rule. That fanny pack is staying on all the time. That fanny pack is there for, Oh, when you're extracurriculars,

extracurricular, what? Any activity? Oh man. Can you at least flip it around? I don't think you can. You don't get to take a mullet off Mike. So you don't get to take the fanny pack off.

It says in here, no hacks. Fanny pack has to be worn on the front. Yeah, there are no, there's no unhooking this fanny pack. This is, says in here, no hacks. Fanny pack has to be worn on the front. Yeah, there's no unhooking this fanny pack. It's going to get in trouble with my golf game.

Oh, that's true. Your swing is going to have a very noticeable hitch. I get to about right here and then I just keep bumping my fanny pack. Does it change anything? Nope. You still want the fanny? No, I'm still going to go with the fanny pack. Nature finds a way. We will adapt to the fanny pack. Does it change anything? Nope. You still want the fanny? No, I'm still going to go with the fanny pack.

Nature finds a way. We will adapt to the fanny pack. I do have one of the fanny packs where it looks like the gross, hairy tummies. Oh, yeah, the belly button. It looks like it. So it makes it look like you have let yourself go, and you are unkempt and hairy like a wolf man. So I got this for Christmas.

And I went to my big family Christmas, the extended family Christmas. And I was wearing this thing, very intentional, where my shirt just went over it so you couldn't completely tell it was a fanny pack. It looks like you're wearing a false disgusting belly. No, it looked real. Well, yes, it looks like you're a fanny pack? It looks like you're wearing a false disgusting belly. No, it looked real. Well, yes, it looks like you're a fanny pack. I'm sitting on the couch for the whole present time, and eventually one of my cousins figures out that I'm wearing the fanny pack, and they just start laughing.

And they tell me, they're like, we couldn't wait for you to leave so we could all talk about what has happened to mike oh that's good so it not only did it work it worked to perfection oh my goodness so what if it was that fanny pack that you had to wear the rest of your life you have no choice it's got to be out it's got to be in front then if i as long as i can have my super cool mullet then i'll go with the mullet all right because this thing is gross all right would you rather be able to travel to the past or to the future simple question or not so simple i mean yeah that's tough

look you have the advantage of knowing some of what has happened in the past right so you might be able to put yourself into a good situation the future is so great great situation the future is a lot brighter if you can go back and see who won the game yeah i mean that's man that's so you're going betting well it's hard to not go there so when you say go to the past are you just wanting to go back like i don't know a week that's what i would do if I'm going back. Yeah. I'm assuming I can return to my current time. Nope. No. Oh, this is just.

Of course not. Okay. Well, I know. Time moves forward. We can make it whatever we want. I mean, this is technically, it doesn't say go live in the past. It says travel to the past or the future. So for the purposes of traveling, let's say, let's put a little limit on it.

All right. You got to go someplace for a year. Spend a year in the past. Spend a year in the future. Yeah, I got mine. I'm going to the future, baby. That's easy. What happens?

How far? One year. Just one? Because I'm beating the system and it's basically going to the pass because I'm going to find out who won the big game. Oh, see ya! Honestly, when it comes to time travel, it's all I want to do. I want to be able to bet some absurd amount,

whatever the longest odds thing is that was so improbable, whatever team, whatever fighter, whatever, whatever, won the biggest payoff odds. Oh, man. You bet everything, and you know the result. And then all of a sudden, the result changes because of your bet. Well, it's the butterfly effect. Yeah, it's the back-to-the-future effect.

If you go to the future, let's say more than one year, Jason, and you go to the future, you see things that one year jason okay and you go to the future you see things that have happened but you're stuck there what if you're dead then what if you're dead then you can't be there for a year so you're gonna be alive what do you mean you can't be there you can be there for a year you can be there for a year and then you get returned to your normal time so wait so wait during the year that you are in the future dead you are you had died so yeah and now you find out that you are dead no no you are the this version of yourself is there okay but the person who exists in that timeline has died i thought i just was dead like

i've got to go spend a year dead. Like, I'm bones now. Got to let time go on so I can go back. That's what I was thinking would have to happen. Have you ever seen any movie where people go to the future? Dr. Emmett Brown didn't have to become bones. Well, he wasn't dead. In the future, he was. Oh, shoot.

You got me there. You go when you find out that you have died but then you've got to wait a year to come back and try to rectify the future yes that's the problem oh that's a good hold on I'm writing this down a good movie plot what would you do

would you want to go see I mean we're limiting this to yourself but in reality you could go like 5000 years in the future you could go like 5 000 years in the past what happens if you go 5 000 years in the future though and never it's it's gone it's all gone and now you're spending an entire year you have to spend one year as bones exactly these are these are big problems or you can go to the past i mean you you could go to the past with the knowledge you have now, right? Like, let's say you went 5,000 years into the past, but you know all this ability,

all these things that you could invent or innovate on and be like the leader of the entire civilization for that time. Yeah, you could not. You could not. If you went back to where, I mean, everything that we know now, the building blocks to create all of the resources. I don't know how they do it. Exactly.

Like, oh, a sewer system. How are you going to build that? You're going to get a shovel at Home Depot? No, build a shovel. The building blocks are not there to succeed. I'm not going to be able to make penicillin, am I? Oh, you're just going to die because everyone's stronger than you, used to the environment.

All I can do is fire because I can put a lighter in my pocket, and that's about all I can bring back with me. Oh, no, this is Terminator style. Oh, nude? You got to show up. Just a fanny pack. Oh, the belly fanny pack can't come off. I just can't take it off. Whatever you can fit Just a fanny pack. Oh, the belly fanny pack can't come off. I just can't take it off.

Whatever. You can fit in a fanny pack. You can bring it to the future. Then you've got fire. I got my lighter. You got your lighter. There you go. Might want to put a loincloth in there.

I think I want to go see the future. I think that's what I want. Although, what if you go in the future and you figure out the Marty McFly thing where your family is taking a terrible... You get to come back and fix it yeah you do you get to learn some valuable life lessons or it's the self-fulfilling prophecy because you now have seen it that's why it happened oh no this is why time travel is is rough then here's what you need to do you need to go 300 years into the future where you don't know what your lineage is.

You just don't know. But you get to see where are we going as a race, as a people. That'd be cool. Where's the technology going? Is outer space travel a thing? I want to know that. 300 years in the future, that's where I'm going. Probably.

I'm going to the future. That's where I'm going. Probably. I'm going to the past. We're getting into the main event here because I know that it will be a prolonged one. Oh, goodness. So we're going to have some heavy debates. The Spitballers Draft. Today's draft is going to be an animal battle royale. What am I? What do I mean?

I mean this. Mike starts us off. We're each picking three animals in sequence. These animals then. Just three? Well, maybe four. We never know. It's minimum three.

Could be four. These animals are being drafted under the pretense of, this isn't like the action hero draft where you're just trying to assemble the best team to be independently determined. This is your four animals are fighting the other four animals from each of the other teams. Is that clear? Yeah.

Does that make sense? Yeah, it's basically. It's battle royale of our teams. So it's not just pick the best, but we might need to counter one another's. What group of animals will straight up win? For instance, one of you drafts a snake, perhaps. Maybe I'll give myself a little mongoose action going on. Hmm.

I got you. But Mike is kicking this thing off, and I'm excited. So, Mike, you have the number one pick, which I don't think you want. No, I do not. Well, I don't want it just because I know that now on the next show, I will be the third pick, and there's no easy number one pick to me. In the animal world? Right.

So I've got to start this off. Because you can go anywhere. You can go big, small. Right. You I got to start this off. Because you can go anywhere. You can go big, small. Right. You can go powerful. You can go fleet of foot. I mean, there are a lot of animals in the world. I'm going somewhat big, but extremely giraffe strong.

Somewhat giraffe. No. Blue whale? We've talked about it. Wait, are we in the water or are we on the land? You're wherever you want to be. Because that changes things.

Hold on. Hold on. Is this a land battle? It has to be a land battle. I guess it needs to be a land battle. Because if you pick a shark... All my animals will drown against my shark. If you go megalodon and you're like, oh, can't get me. That's dumb. There's a land battle.

Just imagine the Great Serengeti and you're dropping all the animals there and they fight. Is my team lasting? I apologize. Can it just for fun, can it be a Colosseum? Awesome. No, this is the Colosseum from Rome.

From Rome. Not one of is the Coliseum from Rome. Yeah. Okay. From Rome. Not one of those other Coliseums. No, it's the Roman. It is the Coliseum. I'm going with the Silverback Gorilla. Yeah. Yeah.

There was some other choices there that were very intriguing with the first pick, but they're smart. They're unbelievably strong. They got opposable thumbs. They can do some damage. They could wield weapons if necessary. Yeah, and they can stand up on two feet. They can get larger.

They can choke people out. I'm going to teach them some jujitsu. They still have to be able to learn it. Just because you know it doesn't mean you can actually teach a silverback. I don't think you know what opposable thumbs means. All right. But, yeah, silverback, gorilla, that's how I'm starting it out. Okay.

All right. Look, that was on my short list of animals that I would like. Now, here's the thing. I was asked a question on Twitter. We almost put it in the show. I was asked a question on Twitter. We almost put it in the show. A debate among friends about if two animals fought ten times, who would win?

What percentage between the silverback gorilla and... And your pick? And my pick, the superior pick, the pick that would destroy your gorilla with his freakish claws I'm taking the grizzly yeah that was my other pick I mean my other I was debating between the two for those of you who check out the fantasy footballers podcast Jay Grizz himself yes is taken Is taken down. I mean, look, I hear it's hard to kill a grizzly. Okay? Yeah, I've been told. Super sharp claws, big, strong. Oh, what's taking it down?

Give me Jay Grizz. My silverback gorilla. That's who's taking it down. Silverback gorilla and the grizzly bear. Yeah, and honestly, if those two fought 10 times, the Grizzly wins eight of them. I need to ask a clarity question before my pick. If you were to pick a smaller creature, do you get a swarm? No.

So if I pick a scorpion, I'm getting one single scorpion. Yes. I'm not picking that. I would not either. I can't pick a swarm of mosquitoes or a swarm of bees. My bear would eat your scorpion. Well, yes, I agree with you if it's one scorpion. If it's a thousand scorpions, I think you'd be in trouble.

No, we can't go into the numbers game. Then I'd take the 50 eagles. I'm going to take... Look, you've got to assemble this team knowing your enemy. And you guys are both my enemies with your gorillas and your grizzlies. I need to go with the tank. And I'm going with the largest species of elephant on the earth. Yeah.

Oh. Yeah, that's a great pick. I need something that can take a punch, maybe a few. Something that's going to be resilient. That's a really good pick in the sense that I'm thinking my grizzly. It can trample the heck out of you. My grizzly against a large elephant would be, you know, can he pierce that hide? Yeah, and there's tusks involved.

Oh, yeah, they got weapons. Yeah, so I've got tusks. I've got trample ability. That's a better pick than I. I've got tusks. I've got trample ability. That's a better pick. I've got thick skin. No, that was on my short list because I was expecting a different pick from Andy. Okay. You better not take my pick.

Are you going to take the one you thought I was going to take? Yeah, I'm going with the lion. Oh, come on. That's the king of the jungle. Of course. So I've's the king of the jungle. Of course. So I've got the king of Michael Crichton's Congo. Yes.

In the gorillas. Yes. Now, wait. Do I get the weapons from the Congo? No, you don't get the weapons. All right, all right. But that's fine. I'll take the apes from Planet of the Apes, please. So I'm feeling pretty confident.

I got Mufasa. I've got some speed now. With the lion, I got the mane. Interesting. Oh, man. The king. He's the king of the jungle. This sucks.

Now, male or female? Male. Yeah, you got to get a... The ones that don't hunt? Yeah, the ones that protect the pride? All right, just making sure. No, the females, we get it. They hunt, but they hunt in a pack.

And we talked about it. I only get one. I think that the male lion would win in a one-on-one fight. I've seen the lion king. Here's what I know. I know right now that the silverback and the lion will easily take down the grizzly. Like two on one. Thankfully, I get a pick.

Now, I'm going to throw this one out there because I'm going to pick it. Because I get to do what I want. I'm going to throw it out there because I'm also going to pick it. I'm going to see if you guys allow it. Nope. Taking the human. No. No.

No. One human. What do you mean no? Oh, yeah. Fine. Fine. No tools. You just picked a human with its bare hands. What do you mean no? Oh, yeah, fine. Fine. No tools. You just picked a human with its bare hands.

What do you mean no tools? I'm writing it down. I don't get the Congo weapons. That's because they can't use them. That's fake. I've seen it. No, you've just picked a human with no weapons. No, I'm not being punished.

It's done. Not only do they have no weapons, they are nude. Fine. You know what? Their stuff is just fucking good. What are they going to do? Good luck against the lion and the silverback. I've got the brain on my side.

I will take the human. So you're taking the strategic human? We're the top of the food chain. Here's what the human is doing. Because it's in the Colosseum in Rome, the human is climbing out of there. Yeah. To the top where it cannot be attacked. Not only is he climbing out, he's digging holes and setting traps.

We rose to the top. We'll rise to the top. Wait, how much prep time do you get? Oh, the human's got so much prep time because he sees it coming so far in advance. No, you are in a holding cell and you were released. Yeah, you think he's just running out like all the stupid animals? Right now he has a human inside of a pin with a grizzly how's that gonna end their friends their friends uh all right i'll take my naked human oh uh you know what um i feel bad now eight percent coming up i'm committing

i am winning this battle royale i'm'm committing myself to... Now, Silverback and Lion are making me question my pick. And I'm tucking a gun in. Because I feel like I need some power here, but I think I can get my power late in this draft. So I'm actually going to go... I'm double dosing the Trampleville. I'm trampling you to death. I got a rhinoceros.

I knew that was coming. I'm glad that you didn't go with what I was wanting to go with, though. I've got the elephant and the rhino, and they're leading the charge. What comes behind them? Well, you'll wait and see. We'll find out. I feel like the rhino heavily influences my pick here. You best not do it.

Because you need protection against it? Yeah, because I was going to go with a tank. I needed a shield. Would you have gone with the rhino? I was strongly considering going with the rhino. You have gone with the Rhino? I was strongly considering going with the Rhino. And so the human, I'm not even concerned about the human because the silverback gorilla has eliminated him in about 30 seconds.

Oh, the human is hiding. What are you talking about? Human's smart. He doesn't have camo. He's nude. He's not coming up out of the holding cell. All right. nude he's he's he's not coming up out of the holding cell all right and so i am going to counter oh wow the rhino is so big though i don't know if this pick can actually counter it

ah man okay well i'm gonna stick with it anyways i'm gonna counter with the giant anaconda really because the constrictor i feel like if i have to sacrifice the giant anaconda. Really? Because the constrictor, I feel like if I have to sacrifice the giant anaconda just to take one opponent out, just to go in a full strangle of this animal, that's what I got to do. And so I think that – I don't think you're going to challenge my team with the anaconda. I think I can. I don't think you're going to challenge my team with the anaconda. I think I can. I don't think so.

I think that if the anaconda gets the bite, just gets a grip on the rhino, it could choke it out. It's not touching my elephant. I know, because my silverback and my lion are taking out your elephant, and this guy's team, I don't know what they're doing. Dude, my team is organized with the brain of a human. We're clearly going to win. I'll take snail. I'm going to go with the snail. Dude, my team is organized with the brain of a human. We're clearly going to win. I'll take snail.

I'm going to go with the snail. Oh, give me a break. Now, look, there's an animal. I'm going to grab him with my fourth round pick because I know you guys aren't taking him. I'm a little worried to take him because I don't think people realize how vicious, how incredible. Is it a him?

Sure. For now, I'm'm gonna stack my animals here because the only thing that might be better than a grizzly bear is a polar you're stacking bears i'm going grizzly and polar i'm going it don't matter funny because i thought i could get the polar bear in the last round i was was saving it up. Oh, no. The polar bear should have been. I mean, maybe if the grizzly wasn't the 101, the polar bear should have. I would have gone that over my human.

But, I mean, a grizzly, a human, and a polar bear? You kidding me? My human is drinking Coca-Cola, obviously, with the polar bear by his side. Obviously. You still got the teddy bear left for your last pick. Yeah, I'm thinking about it. Elephant, rhino, my third pick. Difficult decision here.

I have a number of options that I would be proud of. I could go another big cat if I wanted to. I'm going to go black mamba. Yeah. I'm taking the snake, but I'm not relying on the pinch. I'm relying on the bite. Yeah, and I had considered that. And you know what? You're never going to see it coming because I got a rhino and an elephant

in the way. Anaconda is such a better pick because I feel like you can. World's deadliest snake, the Black Mamba. Oh, and I get it. One bite, good night. That's our motto. But it's easy to kill a Black Mamba. It's not easy to kill an anaconda.

Because you're talking a pretty big size difference here. I've seen the movie. Right. Yeah, they're gigantic. All right. All right, so we're going four rounds? Four rounds. Four rounds.

I am shocked that it made it back. Oh, don't do it. But I'm going with the tiger. Oh, thank goodness. I've got lions and tigers. I've got two-thirds. Jason has all the bears. Yeah.

Oh, my. I've got two-thirds of them. American black bears. How did I not take a tiger? I don't know. I do not know. I don't know how. I lost sight of the tiger.

The fact that, oh, you've got to keep your eye on the tiger. Oh. I honestly did. I have no idea how the lion and the tiger ended up on the exact same team. Yeah, but I got the bears. Oh, my. Yeah, I'm not worried about the bears. You want to go with the brown bear now?

I might. No, there was a pick I almost made. Berenstein bear? Koala bear? This is the pick. I'm going to take the one that I thought I'd get in the fourth round from the get-go. Here comes the koala. People don't realize how terrifying.

And I think we do have to establish, obviously, there's no infighting on teams. No, it's a team. Okay. They're a group. Because this is the animal that kills more humans than any other animal. Yes. The hippopotamus. It's a team. Okay. They're a group. Because this is the animal that kills more humans than any other animal. Yes. The hippopotamus. It's a tank.

Is a tank. Yeah. It is a murderous beast. It can run 33 miles an hour underwater. Andy, do you have humans on your team? Wait, what? How does it run underwater? Do you have humans on your team?

No, I don't. I don't have any humans on my team. So you guys are losing. I got it. No, so we are not worried about the animal that's very dangerous to humans. Do you realize that he picked a black mamba? A black mamba. Humans kill black mambas all the time.

With tools. Not with their bare hands. With their brains. Good luck. With their brains. Yes. Why are you guys disrespecting our species? Because I am a human and I understand what would...

I don't want any part of this. So Mike's final roster is Silverback Gorilla, the Lion, the Giant Andaconda, and the Tiger. It is a powerhouse. It is unstoppable. If anything, it lacks a little girth yeah the gorilla's big i'm not saying it's not but it lacks a little girth jason agility and speed yeah look jason you've got grizzly human polar bear and the hippo i'm

destroying you guys new human i've got the elephant the rhino the black mamba, and I'm going to close it out with... Wait. What? Can I change my pick? You may not. Humans was a long time ago, man. I'm closing it out with... It's too late. I'm taking a wolf. Okay. What? I'm going to get speed. I'm going to get some intelligence. I'm going to get some

scouting. You're going to get 8% of the vote. I'm going to scout that human out. I'm going to know you're coming. A black mamba and I'm going to know you're coming. A black mamba and a wolf? I know you're coming. My grizzly bear is going to punt you out of the Coliseum. He went with what we call in the football world the stars and scrubs approach. Yeah.

Did you not see that Chihuahua was still available? You just went straight to the ballroom. I'm taking the wolf. Look, excellent sense of smell, aggressive. I got the wolf of Wall Street. It's a coliseum. I can alert my- There's nowhere to go.

I guess I was thinking more like we were in the middle of some sort of environment like Hunger Games. We established this. Yeah, I lost track of that. It's still a great team. Dude, I am so upset that I didn't see what I should have picked in the fourth round. I will tell you that the other- The ostrich? The other animal I actually had considered going with.

I missed Tiger. I can't believe I missed Tiger over my final pick, which I was very happy about was the Kodiak bear because it is the second largest bear larger than your grizzly. Is it larger than my polar? No, I've got the best of everything. No, I should have gone T-Rex. No, you can't go T-Rex. Darn right I can't.

You would be overruled. There's no way we would have let that happen. But you let human happen. Yeah. Because you wanted it and we weren't afraid. I get my guns. You do not get your guns in... The Second Amendment says I do! Oh my

goodness. You can't take the guns away. If you put guns in that Twitter poll, this thing is over. Yeah, in my Twitter poll, I'm putting humans loaded with... I'm putting Rambo. For the record, Rambo is the human I choose. You do not get to put humans. No, of course not.

Human. Nude human. Look, I will. A Newman. I acquiesce this. If you find a rock, you may throw the rock. We're also in a coliseum. There are no rocks. You're too kind.

All right. Man. So, Mike. There are weapons underneath in that coliseum. If Mike's team faced my team, Gorilla Lion, Anaconda Tiger, versus the Elephant, Rhino, the Black Mamba, and the Wolf, Jason, who wins? Silverback, Lion, Anaconda, and Tiger.

I feel like we're influencing the vote with this. This is the debate, though. You make your case. I believe Mike's would destroy yours. How does the Elephant go down? And the Wolf. How does the Elephant go down? How does the Rhino go down?

I think the Elephant could go down with the anaconda. You wrap that thing around the neck. Yeah. That's tough. I would stand to reason no elephant has ever been killed by an anaconda. They don't live in the same continent. That would be why. That would be a good reason.

Well, fine. We won't. We'll let the vote carry itself out on Twitter. Dude, my human is riding on the back of this polar bear. That's... It has... Huzzah! It has no choice. It has to ride. itself out on Twitter. Dude, my human is riding on the back of this polar bear. Huzzah! It has no choice. It has to ride.

With his shotgun, and he's taking these animals down. What'd you learn today, Mike? What'd you learn today on today's episode? I learned that Jason thinks a human stands a chance in a bare-knuckle fight against ferocious animals. Jason, what'd you learn today?

First of all, I have all my weapons with me, and I learned today that children should be shown no mercy. Yes. Or they will gloat in their victories. I learned that Mike is still figuring out how to be a father and which direction he wants to go, and that his kids will end up... Hey, it's a tough job.

Very, very special. Thanks for listening. wants to go and that his kids will end up... It's a tough job. Very, very special. Thanks for listening. We appreciate you being with us idiots here. Tell your friends and family about the podcast. We appreciate it. And because it's a family show, we want you to listen with your family. Why no respect for wolves?

Goodbye. Too tiny. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.