Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 90: Human Cannons & The Nastiest Smoothie

Episode Date: March 16, 2020

Happy Monday Spitwads! On today’s show (and every show), we are bringing you tons of logic that is sure to be useful in your every day life. Would you rather get hit with a spitball or a football? Have a car with AC/heat or a stereo? Jason also lets us know about his MANY ex-girlfriends. We then see who can craft the grossest concoction by drafting nasty smoothie ingredients. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, before we start today's show, which from my understanding is... Any minute now. It is also the best show we've ever done. The best show we've ever done. We hear all the time... Oh, that was the best. That was the best show. How was every show the best show?

And we're like, well, hey, check this out. Here's how. Because of the Spitwad community. That's how. The Spitwads, you guys listening, supporting our show. You help us out. Go to spitballerspod.com and support the show you can click become a spit wad you get early access to all the shows you get the spit tank where we're going to answer

your questions the way tons of antioxidants oh yes rejuvenating for all skin tons of medications go look if you have any kind of medical problem at all please visit spitballerspod.com become a spitwad there you won't regret it and we appreciate your support now on with the show what happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Boogie, doogie, boogie, everybody, come on! Come on!

Let's come on! Ah, welcome in, Spitballers episode 90. I enjoy scats so much because there's some level of perceived desperation towards the back end of every scat. Because you've only got so much time. What are you talking about? Everybody come on! Everybody come on. Welcome into the show. Excited to be here. Al Borland is here.

How you doing, Al? I'm great. All right. What's up, spitwads? That's good. Whoa. He's just talking straight through us. Yeah, he is.

He started getting some love on Twitter. Yeah, I saw it. And all of a sudden now he's got the chest all puffed up, the microphone extra loud. Oh, he's hooting. He's going over there. Keep hooting. Jason Moore is here. I am.

I'm happy to be here. I tell you what, I have missed being at this table since the last time we were here. Yeah, it's a good time. Mike, the fantasy spit man, is here. Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait. What? Wait, it's trying that on for size.

What just happened? Some of the spit wads out there, after I brought up Are You the Hitman on this show. Right. Because if you're listening out there and you don't know, we do a fantasy football podcast, I don't know, eight times a week. It feels like the fantasy footballers and Mike's nickname on that show is the fantasy hitman. And so I, by default, after a thousand of those shows, on that show is the fantasy hitman and so i by default after a thousand

of those shows right have introduced mike as you know the fantasy hitman before the fantasy spitman this was coming from uh some of the people out there the spit bots it it felt like it fit i mean it just you know it's like it can be a one-timer it It can be just today. It definitely rolls off the tongue. If the shoe spits. Ooh. Nice. Very nice. I'm just concerned about the implications.

Yeah, that's fine. And then my boys are both here. Hey-oh. Caleb and Nathan are both listening in on the show, so a little shout-out to them. I can't see them. They're very short, and they're hidden behind the monitor. Have you guys thought about being taller?

Yeah. That's a great question. Like your dad. Follow after your dad. We've got a great show today. I have a voice. Would you rather? That's a great question. A very entertaining draft coming your way. You can find us on

Twitter at SpitballersPod. Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod. We appreciate all of your support. I've been seeing some very kind reviews coming in and they oh how kind of them fill my heart with joy when i read them so keep them coming apple podcast subscribe review support the show we appreciate it let's get into it would you rather all right dan from patreon says would you rather drive a car with no temperature control or no audio system of any kind oh man this is such a geographically based question. You know, look, if we were living in San Diego.

Sure. I'm going to have my tunes. I'm going to be listening to those tunes. I'm windows down. Yeah, you have the temperature control. It's the windows are down. Yes. And you're in control.

In Arizona, where we are, unfortunately, located, I would. Now, know to speak to that we did a state draft a couple weeks ago i regret not taking arizona genuinely and there was a lot of people on twitter like well i thought you guys live in arizona what what's up with that what where's the disrespect and i replied properly respected yes uh andy loves ari He does. He's a big Arizona fan. Yes, he does. I know what we have here, and I know it's better than a lot of places. Now, unless you're talking about just an aversion to heat,

which Jason is talking about. We have a lot of heat. Because Jason is not a fan of the heat. I run a little hot. A little? We were at a football practice the other day when it was something like i don't know it was cold there were people with multiple layers and blankets jason's in a t-shirt had no idea people around him were cold considered taking

the t-shirt off this has to be a medical issue this has there's something real because thyroid condition maybe some doctors out there. This is my platform for getting medical help. Yes, it's worked in the past, but my family took a vacation right around the Christmas season to New York. It was New York. That's a chilly place. If you're talking the beginning of January, if you're talking temperatures and we're we're you know in times square everyone's bundled up like snow jackets and

hoodies on and gloves and i'm in a t-shirt and i was sweating well you've got your own kind of bundle that's true that's true bundle of joy i might be expecting we don't know let me ask you a real question though about the audio side of this question because you know driving without music podcasts whatever the case may be give me the percentage of the time that you drive presently alone in the car so commuting whatever the case may be without anything on what percentage of the time do you drive in silence two percent two percent you're one percent one percent okay mean, every now and then. I'm about 10%. What's fascinating to me about this question, now that I'm really thinking about it, is I think this changes over time. Your need for one or the other.

Because I'm thinking back to when I was a young man. Did you guys ever experience Arizona with a car that had no air conditioning? 100%. Yeah. So back before I could drive, my cousin was the primary driver because he was a year older than us. And his parents gave him a minivan that was old. Look, top of the line. It moved.

It moved, and that's all we needed. It did not have air conditioning. So we were, in fact, windows down. But when you arrive to your destination, your back, I mean, you need a spatula to pull yourself up off of the – you leave parts of your back every single time you drive on the chair. You have never experienced sweat until you've driven around Arizona with no AC. People in saunas are like, oh, yeah, that's how I get my sweat out. No. Get in the car and drive around with no AC.

I have reached a very American comfort level with temperature. I micro change my own house to feel perfect, my car to feel perfect. American comfort level with temperature. I can't. I micro change my own house to feel perfect, my car to feel perfect. I've reached whatever pansy level necessary to need temperature control more than audio.

That is my final vote. It's called being distinguished. That's right. You don't need to insult yourself. And then my point of that is we drove around, no AC, just sweaty beasts. that audio that thing was way up so i mean the system was windows down system up for

sure it and now thinking about a different kind of cool that's right that's right different different type of person actually cool but now thinking about being that hot with loud music oh it's a nightmare i mean my it's it's embarrassing my volumes i'm like three and my kids are like dad turn it up yeah we're it's good in here the audio is a little bit too loud i would have to have so oh higher wardrobe in the trunk if i were to have a car in Arizona without air conditioning. And I know that I would say the majority of the country deals more with the opposite problem. That's true. Cold.

It's too cold. If you're in one of those places where it's snowing, how do you get in a car without heat? I mean, that seems impossible. Untenable. are without heat i mean that seems that seems impossible untenable so for everyone not in san diego i think we're all taking the temperature controlled vehicle all right ak nick from patreon says would you rather get hit with a real spitball every time you are concentrating on something or get hit with a football every time you are carrying something. That's interesting. Where am I getting hit with the football?

I imagine your torso. Because getting hit with a football hurts. Yeah. I imagine you're getting just, you're caught off guard probably somewhere in the torso area. All right. Not the face. So you're getting hit with a spitball.

This is a disruption of either situation. I got you. Because it's going to make you... Well, it has to be the spitball then. Because if you're getting hit every time you're trying to carry something, if you get hit with a football and you're not expecting it, your chance of dropping said item has got to be 75%. Every time we come to record, we carry our laptops from that room to this set.

Yeah, well, listen. My hands are full with a quite nice laptop piece of electronic here, and then I've got a football coming at me. I don't want that. Plus, how often do you really concentrate? Never. So, like, I would literally either get hit with a football. Quite often, I carry things.

Yeah. Look, I don't want to brag, but from time to time, I will carry something. Yeah. I mean, look, sometimes people ask me for help. They say, can you carry this? And I step up. Oh, man. Moving your house would be a nightmare for the football.

No, but no longer do you have to help a friend move. Dude, I would totally help you move. Oh, my gosh. You know about the football problem, right? Yeah, that's right. The footballs are coming. And I'm sorry. I just don't want to put you in danger.

It's just for you. This has nothing to do with me not wanting to carry your couch down three flights of stairs. So Jason carries things a lot. I mean, we all know this about him. He's a very capable man i'm the mule of the three of us just pack me up what's the other word for that um and so you would either be hit by a football a lot because of your carrying ability or you'd be hit by a spitball every couple days yeah so i mean this is the you know it's one of those things like

if it was just would you rather be hit by a football or a couple days. Yeah. So, I mean, this is... You know, it's one of those things like if it was just, would you rather be hit by a football or a spitwad? Obviously, everyone would say a spitwad. Right? I mean, it's gross. It's grosser. You got bacteria and saliva. Unless they mean that they're actually throwing one of our supporters at us.

That's a little confusing. Yeah, because those are spitwads as well. Yeah. But that'd be great. That would meet new people. That would be a problem all right uh oh hey oh hey bob how you doing one of the many perks of being a supporter yes you get to get thrown you load it in the cannon yeah that's right oh no oh no it looks like he's thinking. Okay. Jackie from Twitter.

You are on a date with your significant other. Would you rather walk into the establishment and see all of her ex-boyfriends there or all of your ex-girlfriends there? This is the easiest question of all time. It's pretty easy. It's per ex-boyfriends. Yep. Because you were the winner. You were the winner and you don't know them you have so much more seemingly control over the situation it's it's true but then i would also walk into a room and there'd be like two people there yeah see that's that's that's what i say on on my side, it's like I know Tiffany's long-term ex when we got together.

Garrett, super nice guy. Met him in college. Wow. Yeah. You're getting real personal here. We're bringing him up. I'm just saying. He was a nice guy.

If I had to see him whenever we went out on a date, I'd be like, hey, what's up, dude? You lost. In your face. Look how much I can carry. Look, not to brag even more. Look, I know I can carry a lot. But I'm just saying. That's why she picked me.

Check this out. If the roles were reversed, the room would have a lot more people in it. Oh. Oh. Look out. Look, the ladies like someone who can carry things. Rico Suave coming through. And so that would be really uncomfortable.

I would much rather see Garrett. The room would be... You don't want to display to your wife? You're like, look, I was awesome. I think it'd be fun once. I'd have one good moment, and then it would all be downhill. Yeah, that would just be so awkward to have the ex-girlfriends there. Somehow the ex-boyfriends don't concern me.

Because I think there's like two. But what if they want to fight you? Well, if it comes to that, we'll throw down. One of them may pull the huge bouquet of flowers out. I made the biggest mistake of my life. The final pitch? Yeah. And you're like, bro, we've been married for like 15 years.

That's when I hit him with the spit wad. Ah! The person? Yes. Good thing I brought my people cannon. Are we all voting the same thing here? Yeah, I think today. No, I'll take my girlfriends there.

I know the last boyfriend it would be a problem oh no oh yeah interesting i want to know more i know i need look as long as i can hit the jam a few more months no no then the ex-boyfriend telling me he were all right he's a real threat if he shows Look, I'm not saying I'd have to fight him, but I would have to fight him. Oh, my gosh. All right. Let's move on. That's a great question.

I just imagine you're like, hold on a second, and then you run off to LA Fitness. You're like, just give me three months. If there's one thing you guys know about me, I have a strong memory and I may or may not hold a grudge. Oh, you say, and you hold a grudge. That's what I was thinking. All right. Daniel from the website has a great question for us.

He says, you're in a drive-through and the person ahead of you pays for your order. Oh, that's so nice. Do you feel obligated to then pay for the person behind you? 100%. Pay it forward? Yeah, 100%. I can honestly say I've never been in this situation. Well, no one ahead of you has been nice.

I've never had the pressure, obligation, or thought process that I need to pay for the person behind me. Then you're just saying that you've never started. I've also clearly never paid for the person. I've never started it either. You're telling on yourself. Yeah, I knew where that was going. And that's true.

I haven't. Not in a drive-thru. Right. Would you? I don't know. How do I know how big that order is back behind me?

That's the problem. That's being selfish. Do you check the car to see how full it is? Looks like there's one driver. Okay. It is. As opposed to multiple drivers.

Like, it looks like there's three people driving that truck. Hold on. That's a big order. That's a student driver car. I see two of them. That's right. There is the bit of selfishness. I will admit I'm in Andy's camp.

I've never been in either situation i've it's come across my mind when i've been feeling like generous but then you're like hold on what if i'm buying myself a happy meal here and then behind me it's a family of six it's a catering menu they've loaded up even more kind well and expensive as well exactly here's the thing i have i can tell you this many times and again this is i guess i haven't done it so once again i'm a loser but i thought about buying people's uh items in a grocery store like a person who's behind me and when you're in like the 10 items or less line. Well, sure.

But sometimes I have not done it because I'm afraid that there's the whole like. It's insulting. It's the insulting charity perspective of things. Like, hey, I'll take care of that for you too. I carry things. I'm very wealthy. I've got lots of ex-girlfriends. Have you seen how many things?

You know what? I love, though, that you've thought about it many times like this would be nice nope yeah i mean i think i probably paid for something in in that situation where it's more convenient to like just say throw it in with this or you need to get through the line real quick grocery store i don't want to pay for the person behind me do you let. Then I've got to wait for like, oh, I'm done. I'm checked out. It's like, keep scanning. Keep going back and all.

You got to pay for the person ahead of you. When they go to pay, you're like, I got you. But have you done the thing where you, do you let the smaller cart go ahead of your big cart? Oh, yes. If someone has two items in their hand. Yes, you let them go.

And they're behind you and you don't let them go. Unless you have to poop. Well, that's fair. I mean, that should be an unspoken rule. Sure. And obviously, you have to say, I have to poop. Otherwise, I'd let you go. It has to be announced.

Yes. It's a number two. Excuse me. I would, but. You just make them. That's the noise. Everyone knows what that means. Yeah, I would, but I see it.

Yeah, I mean, I was thinking about letting you go, but I just got to. Got to get home. Why is it fart sounds now? It was more discreet before. You're right, but. You got to be. It's going to be a whole one. You know where I have...

Where we have done this, and I think it's much easier to do this, although, sorry to let you guys know, it's even more expensive than your multiple McDonald's orders that you're not willing to pay for. What are those happy meals happy who are you calling stingy those things are three bucks a pop um but at restaurants there's been a couple of times where when we notice like a family or especially when something goes wrong with a meal usually kid related and you see that table where it's like oh no this is this they're not having a good time out here. Right. You know, then it's a lot easier to cover someone's meal because you're not next to them. They don't know.

They don't know who did it. You just kind of pay for someone's meal. Can you screw that up, though? Can you screw that up? How do you do that procedurally? Because if you pay for their meal and you're keeping it anonymous, what if they want to add a little dessert later on? Now you're a jerk. Or they have to tip on your card.

I mean, both of those situations seem risky business. I feel like this is solvable. I think they could buy a dessert. Like, I've paid for their meal. That's a strong point. And then they're like, I want a banana split. And then the waitresses are going to be like, I'm sorry, you can't do that. Your meal's been paid for.

You're tapped out. I'm doing it. I'm making the commitment. I think I'm picking up like some Chick-fil-A hashtag not a sponsor tonight. I'm doing it. You're going to pay for the car behind you. I'm going for it. But then.

It does sound like a nice thing to do. But you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to pay for the person behind me. But then I'm going to go park do? I'm going to pay for mine. I'll pay for the person behind me. But then I'm going to go park. And I'm going to go win a Chick-fil-A. I'm going to say, okay, I paid for the person behind me. Did they pay for the person behind them? And you'll find out.

And if they did, then we're good. If they didn't, I'm going to follow them home. I pay for the person behind me, but then I don't pay for my own and I drive off. Sucker! Excuse me. Who hits the bigger bill? Myself or the person behind me? I just say what I do.

They're going to pay mine. That's what I do. I say they got mine. It's a sea bass situation. I say the person behind me is part of my party. They're paying for all of it. So now, wait a minute. This does get us back to the original question,

which is we're on the drive-thru line. Someone pays for us. Do we feel obligated to pay for the person behind us? I guess I don't. I guess I don't feel obligated. Obligated, no. No. Would you?

You're up to the window. Would you decide? After this discussion, yes. Yeah, I'm changing. Previously, I might not have realized it was a chain. I've had an Ebeneezer Scrooge moment during this conversation, and I'm changed. I'm now a very generous person. Yes.

Joey from Twitter has a great question for us what advertisement actually made you instead of buying it swear it off or sorry swear off the product or company for good or what advertisement made you buy a product that you would never consider so either way what advertising is a funny thing the best and worst ads you seem like you had an answer for this, Mike. What's funny is two came to mind immediately because they're recent, and they're both insurance companies. Liberty, Liberty, Liberty. Yes.

They make me swear them off. They can't believe you brought that up. Their commercials stink. What's tough is there's the one with the actor in the jacket, and it's actually a very funny commercial where he keeps messing it up. He throws a liberty bibbity. It's a funny commercial, but then it gets to the jingle, and I just want to punch myself in the face over and over.

I cannot believe you brought that Liberty Mutual commercial up because last night, I'm watching TV with my wife. They've got the Lemu Emu. This is how bad it is. Hold on. What? Is this new? First, they decided that Liberty Mutual is Lemu, which is stupid. Second of all... Lemu? Yeah. Like the hockey player?

L-I-M-U. Lemu Emu. Then they named the Emu an Emu, which is the animal Emu. Hold on. There's already a gecko. Listen, bro. They're doing the old we can do it too thing. Because they already stole their jingle. So my wife and I sit there, and my wife and I look at each other,

and Bree goes, what do you think happens in those ad meetings? Do you think there's a bunch of old guys in there like, this thing's going to kill? And this was about Liberty Mutual last night. They are the worst commercials out there. And what's crazy is Mike started talking about it but he didn't even say what it was and you knew what i said yes liberty liberty liberty liberty hey lazy you got me to remember your company in the worst way possible exactly for those reasons shark tank

i'm out just because your jingle gets stuck in people's head doesn't mean it's good. But maybe it does. Yeah, they're going with the no. Maybe the subconscious awareness is greater sign. Yeah, all press is good press. I'm aware of who they are. Listen to this. And I don't want to use them.

Leave you, emu. That's all I got to tell you. It's real bad. I'm so upset right now that they've gotten worse. I am always suckered by the new food product. Oh, man, the new fast food? Yeah, if you introduce the new fast food thing. Oh, they get me.

Those work really well, for sure. We took a burger, and we put French fries on it. I'm like, holy crap, this is amazing. Jack in the Box has some more burger, less bun thing. I'm like, that sounds like a good plan. We changed the buns out for chicken patties. Tell me more. Oh, yeah.

The double down? Yeah. That thing was awesome. The double bypass? Took a few years off my life, but I had it. Delicious. Do you guys have one besides Liberty? That's the one that's at the top of mind right now.

Yeah, I know that this is- They will never sponsor this show. No. Hashtag never a sponsor. I will say this. When you watch a lot of sporting events, certain sponsors are- That's really when you watch commercials. Right.

Because you're watching live television. That's the only time. So when a sponsor decides to repeat the identical ad oh every single time and they don't pivot they don't alternate you do become annoyed those are seeing the same thing especially when it's like a major like you know every now and then there will be a car company that just runs the same car commercial 500 times through like three weeks in a row it's like you I know for a fact, you have more commercials,

right? Like do a change up here. I can't stand that. All right. Turtles are neat from Patreon has a question for us. That's accurate. If everyone was just like you, which industries would flourish and which would die off?

So if everyone was just like me, well, clearly no one would ever ski. Skiing industry would be gone. That's a good one. I'll tell you, the restaurant industry would be booming. I really believe in the value of making me food. Ben and Jerry would be the richest two men on the face of the earth? Yes, for you, for sure.

If everyone was like me? Yeah, and they already do pretty well, but Nike would. They already do pretty well, but I would. I'm just saying, if everyone was like me. Apparently they are, because Nike is doing very well. But if everyone were like me and collected shoes, I mean, I have 30 plus pairs of shoes. If everyone was like us. LA Fitness.

If all three of us were the populace, razor companies would probably struggle. That's true. Right? That's true. Due to the beard situation. Well, just the blade. I still need electric trimmers. Can we still shave?

Yeah. Can we shave our necks and stuff? I think... I mean, you still need... You can't... Like, I realize we don't use it as much. I use an electric trimmer constantly. But you use a razor...

You still have to have a razor to shave even just part. That's just a fact. You're looking at me like I'm saying something. You're just you're very emphatic that's all but you use you use a trimmer on your face i use a uh electric yeah for the beard and then i use a razor for my neck but i figured mike and you don't use a razor i don't use a straight blade straight blade that's true that's true i'd say uh the the combustion engine industry would not be doing as well we got some electrics that's right save their lives um i'll tell you who would be doing very poorly uh toilet paper companies oh excellent

you know but the bidet companies the bidet life is phenomenal If you want to understand why these two gentlemen need their temperatures right in the car. This is the hoidiest, toydiest section of this show has ever seen. Yes. You know who would be doing great? Gold Vault. Grey Poupon. Gold Vault. Gold Vault companies.

Gringotts. Gringotts would be fantastic. You know who would be doing terrible? Liberty Mutual. That's right. Get out of my life. You guys want to draft? Sure.

The Spitballers Draft. All right. This is a very interesting draft. I hadn't seen this idea until just before the show. Oh, gosh. Al Borland put it in there. It is making the worst smoothie. You get to draft three

foods. One liquid. And basically you have to draft items that would be at a grocery store to make the worst smoothie. This reminds me of being an adolescent at the cafeteria table when you and you click all the sodas where like everyone's done with their food so you all decide to mix your food together yeah at the middle of the table and make some sort of concoction that yep that's probably how coronavirus started probably i believe

that i did read a report about yes so we are making the worst smoothie and mike has the first pick which i mean clear 101 right i do have a clear one okay i don't i was just joking i do i have i have two picks that i really want one that i think well i can't see your your notes uh there is a there is a clear 101. Well, okay. We'll see if it's the same. Fish. Yeah, it's the clear 101. Oh, no.

100% fish. You win the poll. Yes. Not necessarily. Okay. We'll do our best to nasty this up. Well, that's excellent because I had two things. I was like, which one can possibly come back to me?

Fish in a smoothie does ruin it immediately. I feel like fish is the worst pick oh that is uh by worst i mean best that is not good would you like a fish smoothie no no man you got little eyeballs all oh ground up just look no they're they're they're not not in my fish smoothie no you you di them first oh's very noble. But then it's like a topper. Oh, like a cherry on top. A little eyeball on top. But it's nice, so it can look at you.

Very nice. Okay, so what are the rules of this draft? I'm just saying, how many what's do we need? How many what's? Three foods, one liquid. Three foods and one liquid. I've got a couple items. I'm not sure which category that would fall into between the food and the you got a problem with

you have a problem figuring out if something is a food or a liquid yeah i can see what he means with a couple things um yeah so i'm going to... Oh, gosh. I really wanted fish, Mike. Sorry. Fish is so good. I'm going to take... It's my first pick. I can pick anything but fish. This is not going well. There's only one thing I can't pick.

Only fish. Just act like you never thought of that idea. What's the worst thing? And what's crazy here is i've got a list of things but they're all so inferior to so then it doesn't matter what you pick just pick one well then i'm going to have my base be hot dogs okay i'm gonna put some nasty it does raw wieners in the thing and blend it up. All hot dogs are cooked, but I get what you're saying.

Yeah, a hot dog is... You just mean cold. Yes, cold hot dogs. Yeah. It sounds gross, so it's not bad. It's no fish, but it's not bad. Interesting. So I have to go two picks here.

Yes. What is cream cheese? Is cream cheese a... That's what I'm talking about. Is cream cheese a liquid or is it a food? That's a food Even if you go mustard, we'll say that's a food Liquid will be an actual liquid

Alright, then I'm going to kick it off with cream cheese And raw eggs Cream cheese and raw eggs Shells and all Shells and all Cream cheese and raw eggs Well, then I get the hot dog buns. If you have a Vitamix, it's not a problem for the shells.

That's true. That's true. I mean, we're working on the Ninja Blender here, Mike. There's a chance you've got some shells in there. All right. Now, what you do. I'm sorry to draft so quickly, Jason, because I know that that's one of your. That was my issue.

That is an issue. So you've put it right back on me. I was struggling a minute ago. Neither of those things were... We can tease that. I mean, cream cheese is just... That's not a particularly normal smoothie ingredient. No.

You could put... Milk is a normal ingredient into smoothies, but I'm not feeling great about cream cheese being mixed together with whatever other things I'm going to put in there. Yeah. So I'm going to go about cream cheese being mixed together with whatever other things I'm going to put in there. Yeah, so I'm going to go with something a little bit similar. It was the question between is it a food or a liquid. All right.

And it's sour cream. Okay, all right. I feel like sour cream and hot dogs is something I would not like to blend up and ingest. What's interesting, though, is I could put sour cream on a hot dog, and that would be delicious. That's true. No one, there's not a single spitwad listening who actually likes hot dogs more than me. Okay. I mean, there are some things that are only meant to be eaten one way, and a hot dog should

not be blended up and drank. I won't argue with that. I was just saying that the two not blended. I'm making a cohesive, delicious, disgusting smoothie. You're going to build a Sonoran dog. That's right. Just throw it in a blender. Blend it up.

All right. So I got fish. So I'm going to start this off. You might notice a theme here. I'm going to go with ghost peppers. Oh, man. Some hot fish. So far you have.

So I have two foods, and I will take my liquid now, which is, in fact, hot sauce. Wow, that is a real bad smoothie. That is a real, real bad smoothie. So look, the best part of peppers hot slides and fish the best part about my smoothie is you will have a really bad time twice oh no oh man hmm gross all right uh well i guess that so So I've got. You're up, dude. You guys are really quick on the draw here. You know exactly what you don't want to ingest. I'm proud of you.

So I'm going to stick with my perfect dog, and I am going to take mustard. Okay. Mustard was in consideration. I've got a hot dog, mustard, sour cream. It's going to be a bad color? You're just making a hot dog. I'm just building a hot dog. And now I've got a liquid left.

All right. So I have to finish my smoothie up. And I have cream cheese and raw eggs. Jason, what's your smoothie so far? Hot dogs? It's hot dogs, sour cream, and mustard. Okay. Sounds delicious.

It sounds delicious if it's not a smoothie. It really doesn't sound that bad. All right. I'm going to go cheese. I have cream cheese. I have raw eggs. I'm going to finish it off with soy sauce as my liquid. Okay.

Oh, that's so salty. Yes. So salty. Yes. So salty. And then, I don't know, some raw beef chunks. Let's just do some raw beef chunks in there to finish it off. Cream cheese, raw eggs, beef chunks, and soy sauce. You got to have a meat in there because for some reason. Because you don't have to have a meat in there is why you have to have a meat in there i and i i've i've never experienced it i haven't had a like a blended

up meat you know i think i well like i haven't lived i haven't had a like a broken jaw situation or anything where you yeah you have to live the smoothie life with everything and you got to figure out how to get protein in but why is it that meat seems so disgusting blended blended up when in fact you're you're you're kind of blending it up in your mouth that's a good point i think it's because i don't know i guess there are things like uh what those slim jims you know they got like blended meat on the inside that's a blended meat sausages are like blended meats right and then they just put it into a case. Super good.

I just wanted to chime in and weigh in there. Slim Jims are very good. And we do ground beef. Yes. Yes. I don't know, because I'm on the side of blended meat sounds disgusting. I think the raw part. Okay.

Yeah, because you're not cooking it. No. You're just... Like, I want to throw up thinking about blending a bunch of raw meat. You've got raw meat and eggs. Yeah. Like your salmonella. You got it all.

Look, if you've got to drink one of these smoothies, I think it has to be Andy's. I mean, the protein level in his smoothie is off the charts. There's nothing redeeming from mine or Mike's. I mean, maybe you get some Omega... If you throw relish in as your final pick here. It would be great, but it's not a liquid. Oh, you need a liquid. I need a liquid.

Do you have hot dogs, sour cream, mustard, and you need a liquid? Ketchup. Ketchup. No. Since mustard is not a liquid, I am wanting to build my perfect hot dog. Wait. This is the hot dog draft, right? Yes, this is the hot dog draft.

Okay, good, because that's what I was drafting. So for my hot dog, I'm going to finish it off. Like chives? My favorite hot dog is a Chicago dog. And while I can't do relish or a pickle, I can certainly do pickle juice. Nice. I love Michael Keaton. Nicely done.

So pickle juice will finish my hot dog. He's like, they put it in the blender and he's like, hold that blend right there. Hold that blend. Let me just blend right there Let me drink that Phrases that have never been uttered In the history of the English language That pickle juice Will finish my hot dog That's like a code word

You're welcome America Yeah when you call somebody up Yeah Agent Smith How's the weather today Welcome, America. Uh-huh. Yeah, when you call somebody up. Yeah. Agent Smith. Yes. How's the weather today? That pickle juice will finish my hot dog. Clearance granted.

Roger, roger. All right, Mike, you have fish, ghost peppers, hot sauce. I mean, yours is certainly a smoothie that I would need to do quick shots of. I'm not drinking this straight. Well, look, you can't have sushi without some wasabi. Am I right? Oh, my gosh. That's how you're finishing this.

Oh, you just went full spice and fish. Yeah, you went like basically, how do I make this fish burn your mouth off? Yeah. Your esophagus will be no more. Oh, my gosh. And later on, the other parts of you will be no more. Your downstairs will be no more. Yeah.

Everything is no more. Well, this is one of the more interesting drafts of all time. It was. Now, for the poll's sake, Al Borland, two options. One is what is the best hot dog, and then give these ingredients. But two, and I think more accurately, now that we have done our best at making the worst, we should say which one do you want? Which one would you actually eat, make people choose?

I only say that because Mike would win. Al, did we have any big smoothie omissions that you're surprised none of us drafted was there anything that was sticking out for you no not really i mean in the beginning i'll be honest i didn't prepare for this one in the beginning like my first thought was like okay a food i was thinking like potatoes because i want the texture just to be rude. You can't make that a drink. Potatoes are great in a drink. They're called mashed potatoes.

But would you... Wait, you just said, so mashed potatoes are great in a drink? Yeah. Yeah? When's the last time you've had a drink with mashed potatoes? Look, I had tonsil surgery when I was in my late 20s. I literally drank blended up mashed potatoes with gravy for like meals all the time

it was amazing yes mashed potatoes and gravy are amazing that is 100% true but here's the thing out of a mug the only difference between the two things you are talking about is he removed the spoon it's not a different

it's a different food because he also removed the butter and i'm sure i'm sure all that stuff was in there no no it was in his i'm saying if it was just potatoes that's not mashed potatoes you can't just blend up a potato and think oh this tastes even when jason's trying to make the worst smoothie he just makes the best foods i don't know he just makes foods he loves i just i love food. I like to picture Jason, like one person's eating soup with a spoon, and one's just drinking it out of the bowl. And he's like, that's disgusting.

That would be super gross. What did we learn today? What did we learn today? I learned that I don't want any of these smoothies. I learned that Jason had a disproportionate amount of girlfriends compared to his wife's uh boyfriends i learned that i should probably be a more selfless person and i learned that i want to meet our fans via human cannon. Shot right at me. Come on down.

Every time you concentrate. Smack. I'll catch you in a hug. That's true. You're good at catching and carrying. I'm squishy. Thank you, Al. Appreciate it.

See you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballerspod.com hey you did it you made it to the end thank Thank you for listening. It was a real fun ride, Andy. This one was especially good. Yeah, I liked it. I felt like I was on point.

My form was excellent. Yeah, you complimented yourself a lot throughout. Well, thank you for noticing that I did that. Head over to SpitballersPod.com and you can figure out how you can help support this show and get access to episodes early and some other stuff. Check it out. SpitballersPod.com.