Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 91: Quarantine Confessions & Social Distancing Essentials

Episode Date: March 23, 2020

Isolation can’t hold us down! On this episode, we banter about the grammar police, waxing our bodies, and telekinesis. Make yourself comfortable and enjoy some quarantine confessions as we all isolate in our homes. We wrap up the episode by drafting our 'Social Distancing Essentials'. Stay safe & healthy out there! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, it's me. It's Andy. Hey, Andy. How's it going? I'm fantastic. We've got a great show today. That's number one. Number two, I just want to let everyone out there listening know that if they don't have enough Spitballers-themed aspects of their life, they can go over to SpitballersPod.com. They can click on the Become a Spitwad button.

It's just a little button. That's how it sounds. Yeah. When you click it, it goes, boop-bing. Is that a spittoon? Yes. Okay. You can click on become a spitwad, learn more about how you can support the show and get some really cool perks. That's spitballerspod.com. Let's get to the episode. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason.

It's quarantine time coming for you. Oh, my goodness. Oh, yes. Yes. I'm not accepting this new reality of this world. It's quarantine time. I don't accept it. I don't accept remote recordings.

I don't accept not having a voice in any capacity. Why did that come along with it? Who knows? We're back. It was really good luck that for those listening, anybody that's a fan of the footballers knows Andy has been sick, and he has got on the horse. He is here for the Spitwads.

But during this time. This is like strapping some sort of barely alive corpse to the back of a Bronco and saying, tame it. No, it's weekend at Bernie's. This is what's happening right now. That's Jason and I are good to go. And he's just got sunglasses on.

We will pull you along, my friend. But I just want to point out how awesome it is. If you haven't thought about having a three weeklong horrible respiratory illness while the country's on lockdown for respiratory illness. It's got to be good for anxiety. It's got to be good for mental health. So welcome back, Andy. I am so glad that we don't have to skip an episode. I, in many ways, know how important it is to be here.

That's correct. As stupid as we are, it's also important. And I know it's important to all of us and Al Borland and company because we want to be here during this absolutely ridiculous time. And Jason is holding up... Yes, Jason, we see your mug.

A mug that says, I love you more than I hate your farts, which is really quarantine material. That's spectacular. My wife got me that mug because I'm pretty much a known farter. I'm on the registered farters list. And she got me that mug and I'm like, wait a minute, if you got this for me, then we're talking about your farts.

And she's like, oh yeah. So I gave it back to her. Oh, that's fair. Yeah, because you are really the pandemic of farts and she's like oh yeah that's so i gave it back to her oh that's fair yeah because you are really the pandemic of farts so to speak i could have been the patient zero they say it's bats but they could be wrong so we do have a show that we're going to try to do today we have a would you rather we have a situation room and we have a timely social distancing essentials draft that we're bringing your way because you need to be prepared uh at a time like this what i've noticed from consuming media all day long every day is that um experts need to be relied on that's right and uh at a time like this, we are, I mean, look,

not to put too fine a point on it, we're the experts. That's right. And so we're going to be here for you. And you can follow us on Twitter at SpitballersPod, SpitballersPod.com, become a Spitwad, support the show. What's going on? I would just say this, all jokes aside, this is a time where this show is just, this, all jokes aside, like this, you know, this is a time where this

show is just, this is nonsense. We don't have anything of substance to bring to the table, but we have a good time. We have a lot of laughs. And I feel like we are one of the, like the only shows out there that is a true comedy show that's fun and uplifting. That's family friendly. Like, you know, put this on you because right now the worst thing going on in the world is that we're locked in our homes with our children.

Am I right? And I know there's children listening, but you need to know this is true for your parents. We love you, but we are not used to this kind of abuse. But look, we can put this on with you in the room and share and bond over this. Speaking of which, how are your kids' dietary habits? I know you've been working on some refinement there, Jason.

My kids eat the four major food groups, and that is it, which is chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, cereal, and breaded chicken. And breaded chicken. That's chicken nuggets as well. You got breaded chicken and chicken nuggets. Well, but chicken strips will work. We even do chicken patties they've really expanded their uh dietary uh but no truly and andy's bringing this up because i've been sharing with him uh personally like you know people are going through frustrations

right andy's got a very serious illness right now through this time his is actually legit and important uh but me i'm like yesterday i was ready to die from food fights in my house where it's like okay we've got canned pears they're delicious just eat them they're great they're great i had a whole canned pear can of sliced pears to myself at midnight last night they're fantastic and that is a true story but the point is is that my kids are notoriously bad eaters. We're in full ration time and you're going midnight can of pears? I have a confession. Can I confess something?

This is so bad for Jason. Jason will outlive his family. Sorry, kids. No food left. My family will die first because no food left. The best part of being so stocked up like we we were lucky we got in early my pantry is was stocked for you know months so many but what i've come to find out is i love canned food canned food is so good whether it's spaghettios or dinty more beef stew like

and so i'm having a can an hour right now I'm busting through this stuff. It is wonderful. We have got to get the social distancing done soon because I'm going to be like 450 in like three weeks. Well, honestly, something that I've been thinking about is there's going to be a lot of things that come out of this situation where everyone is trapped at home. And I'm like, there are going to be people that emerge. And they're like, wait a minute. My pants don't fit anymore. And then there's going to be people that come out that their pants don't fit because they're so freaking swole. And it looks like Jason is going one of the directions.

Not swole, swollen. That's the direction I'm going for. So the thing is, we're trying to save lives. The back of the can is not Jason Rations, is what you're saying. That's right. We're trying to save lives here. One for me, one for you. Two for me, one for you. Three for me, we're

out of food. But the thing is, we're trying to save lives with the social distancing. Everyone at home, I hope you're doing your part when you can. And thank you to all the essential people out there that are still manning the jobs everywhere else. You guys are amazing. And I hope people are tipping you in jobs that don't usually get tips if they can.

Tip your trash man. But hold on. Stop the truck. I want to give you some money. But I'll be here next monday i don't think they have thought through the health downsides of diabetes when we leave this because i'm gonna have it i mean when when we're out of this thing and i'm going back to work i got the beat is for sure i like the change of expression from social distancing to physical distancing i heard somebody

say that they prefer that term and And I like that because mercifully, we have things like the podcast and the internet and Twitter and Instagram and Facebook and our phones. We have the ability to be social without being physically close. And I appreciate that change of thought because it's easy to be feeling like you are isolated right now. So we want to bring you some joy from a distance. Well, that's a really good point. I had not heard that yet. That's, yeah, it's a physical distancing. We don't have to stop social media. Yeah, I am physically, I have a distance between me and my actual voice and I'm trying to close that gap. But right now we're going to get it going would you rather all right max from the website would you rather constantly make grammar and spelling mistakes and it says in in uh parentheses like

jason oh max or so would you rather be jason or be the person who corrects everybody's grammar and spelling every single time they make a mistake which that person sucks that person sucks for sure as as as people who are in the public speaking world that's right we get we get those those people and and they suck um but i believe you mean a fewer yes yes we have a few of those people, not more. But we got to change this question a little bit, right? Because if we're saying makes grammar and spelling mistakes like Jason, which I do, I've been known to have.

I mean, there's a Twitter spin up account, Jason Morisms, because I say stupid things from time to time. But in fairness, we've had like a thousand hours of public consumable speaking. We've all had our faux pas. Everybody's going to do it. So I think this really needs to be heightened. It's got to be like, would you rather be someone who is always saying the stupidest things at all times?

You sound like a dumb, uneducated... i think that's the implication right if you always make grammar and spelling mistakes you are dumb right but i said like jason oh that part i love myself so i think it was a tongue-in-cheek yeah i know i know would you rather be perceived dumb or would you rather be perceived as the worst as the grammar police that's really what this question is i think you nailed it there would you rather genuinely would you rather be perceived as a complete idiot and everyone thinks you're dumb you can't get anything right or would you rather turd face or a turd face wow you know actually what's funny is this question had no difficulty to me it was like i would much rather be the person who makes grammar and spelling mistakes.

We all make mistakes, 100%. Like, I'm not going to be the jerk that's just going around being like, Superman does good. You do well. Although I do throw that one out. You do say that quite a bit. We do that every time. But that's because it's a joke at this point. But when Andy refers to it as, would you rather be perceived to be a complete idiot or would

you rather be perceived to be kind of a jerk? No at all. That is actually a difficult decision because every jerk. No, no at all that I know doesn't care. They don't mind being a jerk. No at all. They really like it. Yeah, that is true.

like it yeah that is true that is in the and they the problem is like at if you are making the mistakes do you have the the self-loathing so okay let's i mean the question was directed to jason jason do you have self self-loathing about your grammar and spelling mistakes i i see andy vehemently shaking his head no, because he knows that I... I think there's a little. I don't have any self-loathing at all. I've got a... Not even a smidge?

So, well, I'll walk you through this, because I have no smidge. I love myself. I'm happy with who I am. The pros and the cons. I love me so much. Yes. But I will say this.

I will say this. Look, I play for better or worse a buffoon here, and we try to be ourselves. But it's hyperbolic on here, right? A lot of times people see me and they hear me talk about how fat I am, and they're like, I thought you were going to be way fatter than you are. Sorry that I threw that accent out. No one has said that ever. But it's one of those things where I will say from time to time, when you get pigeonholed into that and you actually are thought of as a dumb person.

I say a lot of dumb things. I make fun of myself. When you feel like, oh my gosh, people are starting to think I am dumb or I can't do things, that has had an effect. You do think about it. I do think about it from time to time because he's a human being 1200 episodes to break through yeah well that's crazy you're one of the smartest people i know so well it's not in in all things like the fat thing and he knows three people i know three people and you're one of them you're one of the three people i know

i want you to know that you're one of the people i know and one of the smartest your top you're one of the three people i know i want you to know that you're one of the people i know and one of the smartest you're top you're in the top three that also makes you one of the handsomest yeah and you're one of the handsomest people that i'm aware of so yeah it's one of those things where like i don't care about the fat jokes at all because i've done this to myself you know this is i deserve what i get here but you know when it comes to like you, it's the quarantine, man. Now you have a full scapegoat right now. Yes, you quarantine. I'm loving it.

I'm packing on. I'm putting on mass. You're putting on mass and it's not your fault. You are putting on mass to save the human species right now. Yeah. How does that? You're a superhero, man. Okay. Well, you're social distancing

and it's it has its side effects well we're at home i can scream for my wife to bring me spaghettios and you know just do do more for the people oh my goodness okay so what is your final answer before i go on to the next would you rather I'm the grammar police. I'm being the dumb guy. Yeah, me too. By the way this question is asked, I am definitely going to be the dumb guy. But by the way Andy asked, I would rather be perceived smart and jerky

than an actual idiot. Okay, all right. Alexandra from the website, would you rather have to shave your face every single morning or wax your chest, legs, and armpits once a month? Oh, once a month? Wow.

How often? Here's a poll question because I genuinely wonder this just because I figure every guy is different. I don't really like shave. I do it like once a week. I'm like a razor shave on my neck. Maybe every Saturday look nice for church. Otherwise, it doesn't grow fast enough to where I need to do more than that.

If we're talking about an actual blade, a blade has not touched my face since my father taught me to shave when I was like 16 years old. That's how long it's been since I've actually... He taught you with a blade, though. Yeah. Oh, because... Yeah.

That's... The butcher knife. Like his poppy taught him. Grab the butcher knife and let's go to work on your face. No, I didn't mean... And I haven't done it since. I didn't mean I'm in the Wild West

with a knife where I shave part of my face and then I eat part of an apple. I mean, actually actual like a razor other than that it's been all you know an electric trimmer it's in an and not even really you don't use that right no well to trim my beard i use to be clean it's such a beautifully nice feeling to be completely clean is it it's wonderful you like razor burn i've tried to spin the big... No, I don't get razor burn. I'm a professional. And I've spent all the money

on those really fancy three circular blade things that you guys talk about. I've got 16 blades. And they stink. You can go back to the old school Mach 3s and you get a nice clean shave, just like my grandpappy. And I think the implication of this question too you guys are

going to be clean shaven like baby faced we're not talking just shaving the neck up and cleaning that oh which is a problem for mike because of his brand a problem for me because of my weight and so these are these are real issues of losing that beard and that's that's a problem with the brand because look i mean we're look we're in quarantine times and and it's we're all being honest with each other right now i shave my chest i shave my armpits i don't shave my legs i have neared them before in my life and it was pretty fun being a dolphin for a for a couple weeks like it's pretty outstanding so dolphin with a beard well i think at that time i had like baby beard because i was in my younger 20s and i couldn't actually grow a full beard yet

so i think i would rather wax i i can tell you for sure for sure i'd rather wax i have waxed before i've waxed you know my back where have you waxed oh yeah I've waxed my back you know the upper neck back area which is quarantine confessionals that's what's happening right now quarantine confessions no but good for you no like I mean I'm not like one of those weirdos I don't have outrageous back hair it's yeah I mean those guys are the worst what's that like i hide under a thin sheet of hot wax well it's really a thick coat of hot wax but the thing is about like waxing waxing waxing might get a bad rap because of the pain but it's fantastic how long does it last how long does it last like a couple weeks yeah i would i would say for me it was like a month.

I mean, it depends on where you're waxing, you know, but when I wax the top of my neck and my back area, you know, I'm sure you guys trim up back there like the, you know. You're telling me below your hairline in the back that it doesn't grow. My neck. That's what I'm talking about. Okay. My neck and my back are too big.

Things are getting out of control. I said the top of my neck. That's what i'm talking about okay it quarantine my back things are getting out of control i said the top of my you said back i did say back but i also said the top of my neck like the the top of my neck into the the upper back area is where i've waxed before and it was like a month and and it's not just it's not just like oh it looks better it feels better it's sure it's great So I'm taking the wax. I'm going anti-dolphin. I'm going to shave my face every day. Oh, man. Baby face.

He's going to be, but he thinks that that is cleaner. You know, he says, don't you like to feel clean? Yeah, I like the feeling. But he only wants to be clean on his face. It's like, my body's a disaster. Chest, legs, armpits. No, I don't want to be dolphin boy. I mean, that'll be a really long period of time.

Oh, we're legs in on here, too? Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Yeah, Jay. Suddenly you're changing. Look, the truth is, look, another quarantine confession. Since I was a young teen. I know where this is going.

Yeah, you know where this is going because I've shared a story about some. Very embarrassing. Bullies. Some bullies in high school basketball. Quarantine school basketball and teen confessional what i've never heard this story yeah so so so uh you got bullied i only got bullied a few times i wasn't like your back hair when i was a young kid i just had this luscious locks coming out of the middle of my back and they were like what the heck's wrong with you um look i'm not saying you should bully but if someone's got him right out of the middle of the back and that only then if you got a braid going down the spine no no but it was it was the opposite

it was like i think i hit puberty a little later or not really that's the problem because i don't have that much leg hair like i just don't more of a hop skip jump i don't either over some of the key parts yeah and so like you know the kids that were getting all the leg hair were looking at me and being like, oh, yeah. So, yeah. So, yeah, those are the grammar. Wax my my. Yes.

Those those are the. I don't think they're smart enough to be the grammar police. All right. All right. Jody from Patreon. I know Mike's waxing. Would you rather have super strength in the pinky finger on your non-dominant hand? Okay.

Wait, what? Or telekinesis? So for me, my right pinky. Telekinesis, but only over objects that are within arm's reach. That'd be awesome. But you can already reach it. But if you're telling me right now I can have this mug come up to my face and drink it while writing. If I want to write a multitask, I can do that.

That's awesome. Is that less pragmatic, though? Yes. I think the point of this is it's a simple, if you can already reach it, it's now just a parlor trick. Like you can't, is there really anything like really effective you can do? I know you talked about the multitask, but here's what I challenge you with, Jason. There's no way you're concentrating on telekinesis, writing with a pen and doing other things. You're thinking about the writing.

Once again, calling me dumb. No, I'm just saying. Look, this is a superpower. The focus it takes for telekinesis. Yeah, you know the focus a superpower for telekinesis yeah you know the focus it takes for telekinesis mike you're as a superhero expert yes uh so if but this is superhero power which means anything within my reach i can i can orchestrate and that means i am literally the world's best juggler. I mean, I can do things. I think this is Jason.

Okay. Jason can juggle instead of help his friends move. He doesn't want to get caught in a situation where he has to use his non-dominant pinky to lift a lazy boy for a friend of his. That's the situation. But my issue there is like, let's say I'm helping move that baby grand piano. And I've got super strength in my pinky. You know what I don't have on my pinky?

Super balance. How are you going to pick that? piano and i've got super strength in my pinky you know what i don't have on my pinky super balance what how are you gonna pick that like okay it's super strong but it's your pinky like how are you gonna pick this thing up and act you could drag it and ruin it and the floor but like how are you gonna lift it and hold it perfectly on my because it's super strength like now if you're picking i'm getting the idea neither of these something up that is really, really light, you can balance it because it's light. Pick a sheet of paper up, Mike, with your pinky and just move it across the room.

My super strong pinky? No, but your super strong pinky is easy to pick up a piece of paper. You're not going to be able to balance it. Yeah. Which is more impressive. Which is more impressive to your friends. The telekinesis is far more impressive. impressive so this is really funny we're both arguing for the opposite thing but immediately i think well if i could actually lift a piano with my pinky that's more impressive so it's really just a matter of which one do we want and i feel like people lift things already

it's impressive i lift more than other people lift but not with their brains i've never seen anyone move something with their mind before in real life i mean i mean in theory if you have the telekinesis you could simulate the pinky thing all the time right it would seem like your pinky's really strong okay that's a great question how strong is the telekinesis is it it's the of like, if you could actually pick it up with your arms, then you can lift it up. Way stronger than that. Way stronger? Way stronger.

This is your mind. How do you work out your brain? My brain needs no workout. It is extraordinarily. Canned peaches. Canned peaches only. Maybe I have to walk along with the piano you know to to keep it in my mind's grasp but that's way more impressive now i think i'm going telekinesis i'm going with

the telekinesis as well but i imagine the magic tricks you could come up with like have you pick a card put a card and then all of a sudden it's floating behind my back around your back it's in your back let me get caught in the back hair, though. Well, yeah. And how far behind your back can you actually reach? It's his arm's distance. Oh, that's true. I can't reach behind someone.

Well, I... All right, final weigh-in. I got some... Telekinesis, come on. Yeah, it's definitely telekinesis. Come on. Mike tried his best to argue for... I tried, but moving stuff with your brain?

But I think everyone, when they heard the question was like oh that's clearly telekinesis i agree i agree i'm gonna go that one as well all right let's get into the situation room the situation realm all right very important situation. As you sip from your fart mug. Nathan from Patreon. You three are running against each other for president. What piece of dirt are you holding on to that you can strategically bring up on each of your co-hosts in order to slander them right before the election oh man

well that look this is this is a little timely but i would uh i would pull out i would pull out the old broken bulb medical records this is the business i used to run that we were all a part of and i would say andy holloway is not a man that can stay healthy i would pull out all of the all of the uh sicknesses and illnesses and miss i believe andy you correct me if i'm wrong did you have your tonsils you had your tonsils taken out right yeah i had them taken out jason and listen weak listen weak'm sorry. I'm sorry I have asthma, Mr. Bare-Legged Boy. I'm sorry that I was born with asthma. I apologize to you and yours, but you know what? My constituents understand a person who understands them.

And you know what? People out there have issues. People out there have trials. I think people want to vote for people with tonsils. I mean, I think they don't want to be like, well, that guy had to have things removed because his body didn't work. How is that a fair point, Mike? Because the people, like we know, we know that people with tonsils are the people that can get things done. Clearly you're hiding something with that beard. That's what I would

be bringing up to the people. Look, that's a medium. How dare you? We just, we've got plenty of photos with him without a beard. We'd put those out and be like, wait a minute, that's immediate. You are hiding something. How dare you? We've got plenty of photos with him without a beard. We'd put those out and be like, wait a minute, he's not cool. This has nothing to do with my tiny little subpar baby chin. I don't have a beard because of that. I like that I came back on this episode to receive this bashing. That's what I like. Yes.

That's what we were. I like that these three weeks, four four weeks this was worth it i'm really glad yeah well you need to take some more time off huh i would mention my president i would mention mike's uh old i think it was xbox handle oh yeah that's my old email address i guess there were some other old nicknames that we can't bring up because we promised family. Nassil spray. Mike has a history with illness as well.

That's true, I do, but you know what I would pull out? None of that makes you unable to run for president. We currently have people in their near 80s. That's exactly where I'm going against my opponent here. Jason Moore. Your toughest opponent.

Bring it on. My toughest opponent is. Because I know what should come out. Oh, well, I was going to go with, well, Jason Moore, what he hasn't told you is he expected to live to the age of 36. That's true. That's when he thought he was going to bite the big one. And I need someone in the Oval Office who can stand the test of time,

not someone who's counting the days as this is a gift. Not somebody who will end up in his children's bedroom with an entire sheet of Hawaiian rolls when crisis strikes. That's what we need. I'm a man of the people. I'm a man of the people. I'm a man of the people. People understand that. You're a man of the peaches, Jason.

Yeah, you stole the peaches. That's what happened. Kids, we're out of SpaghettiOs. Franco un-American. That's what I say to you. Yeah. Okay. We'll stop that.

Mike's easy. He has tattoos and shaves himself in weird places, so no one's voting for him. We already know that. And I'm not even running. He's so not running. He's so ineligible, he's not running. My eligibility or my electability is out the window.

And I was born in Jerusalem, Israel, so I can't be president. Suddenly I'm president. At the end president that suddenly I'm president at the end of this at the end of this I'm president Jennifer from Twitter you have 30 minutes to hide a USB drive in your house your house will then be raided by police detectives and some FBI agents all searching for the USB where do you hide it so that it will not be found? Wow. So this, we can work together here. We don't have to bash one another. Oh, I love this. We're back on the same team.

We love each other again. Is there a way to weight it down to where it would stay in a pee trap of a toilet? No, that water would destroy that USB. We're just spitballing. We're just spitballing. is spitballing what is next

well i'm trying to i mean you only have 30 minutes right so you don't have the opportunity to go dig a hole for three hours or something of that nature right to try to hide this man so where i don't know what the best you put in air vents i feel like now they're gonna check the air vents they're gonna check the closets they're gonna check check the fridge they're not gonna check the canned peaches oh can you recan is the real question i probably not here's why you can't recan and it's it's a beautiful thing it's because because in today's... No, no, no. This is your entire excuse that you have to eat the entire can of peaches. Look, have to. How big are these cans?

Are these the really, really big old gallon cans? No, it's just like a regular can. But I thought when I opened that can last night at around midnight, I thought to myself, this will be like eating a peach or I'm sorry, a pear. It's pears. I thought like, oh, this would be, you know, like one pear. And then like 12 halves of pears came out of this can. I was like, oh my gosh, I'm eating so many pears.

And it was delicious. And I did drink some of that juice as well. But why maintain their nutritional value in the can? Are they the same? They're delicious. Do you mean like in the sugar water? Yes. Yeah.

They maintain the sugar. The pop tops now, like they're all pop tops. You don't put them to the can opener. You just crack them, which means the lid is bent. You can't re-can as far as for deception. You know, you could put some tinfoil over the top they're gonna open that tinfoil up they're definitely gonna check suspicious about this can they're definitely gonna check tinfoil that's the normal top i mean mattresses are too common right people stuff things in mattresses yes so you gotta go got to go exactly where they think you are. What about hiding in plain sight?

Exactly. That's where I'm thinking. Like plugged into the computer? That plain sight? That's a little too plain sight. Oh, plugged into the television. Televisions have USB sticks now. You know what I mean? Oh, it's a Chromecast.

It just looks like a Chromecast. Dude, I think we got it. I think you plug it into your TV. And then you write Chromecast on it with a sharpie and you'll be set. Yes. Yeah. Google. Google brand Chromecast for reals.

I think the issue here is that when you purchase said USB, you got to have the foresight to grab one that looks like a Chromecast. That actually is kind of smart. I'm guessing they'll grab it and you're in trouble. I'm Googling right now. I'm guessing they'll like a Chromecast. That actually is kind of smart. I'm guessing they'll grab it and you're in trouble. I'm Googling right now. All right, Miles from Twitter. You go into one of your kids' classes for career day. Suddenly the teacher gets extremely sick

and runs out of the room saying, you are in charge for the rest of the day, dear sir. What does the rest of your day look like and what will the kids learn? Oof. So I guess we're talking about what's our best subject? Our best elementary subject? I don't know if that's what it is

because let me tell you a little story, okay? Once upon a time, I taught children how to play sports as a teenager. I worked for a company and they hired a bunch of teenagers to teach kids sports. And let me tell you something. Teaching really small children kids' classes, it's very intimidating, especially when you have the pressure of parents or people watching you, and you don't know what the agenda is.

I was never given a here's your daily curriculum it was like go teach them sports here's 40 kids that makes all the difference do you have people watching you or not if people are watching you you have to do a good job because i know what my day looks like like i've i'm the principal's walking in and they're observing so the movie is out the national geographic movie is out with young kids you're not holding their attention with national geographic i don't care if i hold their attention oh you care when they start going wild in the room like even though we have dvds and streaming technology i am going to go get one of those large tube tvs with a vcr so that i can play

educational videos for the remainder of the day. I'm going to roll it in slowly, and that's what I'm doing. Have either of you guys done career day yet? No. I have not been to a career day. I have done career day. I can't wait, though, because we've got a pretty cool career. It was all right.

I did career day, and since we've been doing the podcast. So I went into my son's class. I think this was two years ago. So I put him in first grade, and we been doing the podcast. So I went into my son's class. I think this was two years ago. So I put him in first grade and we were doing career day and I was talking about being a podcaster. And then I have to make things up. It's like, kids, here's what you need to learn in school. Math. I need math all the time, which to be fair, when we're doing our football analysis, we do actually need math.

Wait a minute. Did you say to them that you really need to know math? Yes, I did. Oh, my God. Mike, come on. My takeaway from grade school was that I didn't need math. Yeah. This was first graders, though, man.

They need to know math. I had a sixth grade teacher promise me that I was going to need these certain things she was teaching, and I remembered it, and I've never needed it. I have never. I'll let Jason. Come on. Come on. When we're making our spreadsheets in Excel.

In Excel. In Google Sheets. Yeah, in Google Sheets. How dare you? Sorry. We use a lot of math, and I can promise you I learned none of that math in high school. I had that all way before. But you learned it grade sure it was after i was like know your audience man that's step one if it's you gotta fill seven hours if it's first graders we are going for the

world record of simon says because let me tell you something i have plenty of experience corralling a bunch of young kids whether this is you know running a children's ministry or just my wife has. She's from a family of nine kids. We have kids over all the time. We're usually like 12 kids in the house. Not right now. Not right now. Feels like 50.

Only three. I have a lot of experience corralling a bunch of kids and it is unbelievable. The dedication, the silence, the effort and the longevity that you can get away with. Simon says they will do you. They're a rowdy bunch. They're all going nuts. And you say,

Simon says, touch your head. Everybody stops. It was like, I'm in, I'm in on this game and they have to listen and pay attention. And it's the easiest thing to come up with. Because I'm just coming up with, puff your cheeks out.

I didn't say Simon says. Simon says run a mile around the school. Yes. You guys ever play Heads Up 7 Up? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I remember loving that game. You ever cheat?

I'm sure I did. I don't remember what it was. I remember loving that game. You ever cheat? I don't. I'm sure I did. I don't remember what it was. Can you explain the game to me again? Because I haven't played it in, I'm guessing, too long to admit. Go ahead. Go ahead, Andy. Okay, I'll explain it.

So you put your head down, and you put your thumb up. And there are seven people who are it. They walk around. And then if they choose you, they tap your thumb. You're supposed to have your eyes closed. So you put your thumb down, and then once the round is beginning,

there are seven people up there. If your thumb was tapped, you stand up, and you have to guess who tapped your thumb. Ah. And so the way that you cheated was you kept your head down, your eyes open, and you looked at people's shoes. Yeah, you did.

And then you looked up and said, I saw those shoes. I know it was you. It was Emily. That's 100% true. That is exactly how it. Yeah, there's no way I didn't cheat at that game. So you can go seven hours. Assignment says that seems very involved.

You're going to have to keep giving instructions. Oh, dude, you can kick back, put your feet up. I mean, you literally can be eating a donut while saying, Simon says, drop it a circle. And you don't even have to be the judge of who didn't do it, because as soon as someone doesn't do it, you got five other people on them. Oh, yeah. This self-polices. It's fantastic.

Simon says, play on your iPhone. Yes, for all the first graders out there. Alright, you guys ready to draft? Let's do it. The Spitballers Draft. Alright, Al, why don't you tell us what we're drafting? We are drafting

social distancing essentials or physical distancing. Good call. Distance essentials. Warranty essentials. Dig it, but don't. I think Al Borland has drafted one of my essentials. Which is?

I don't get it. We'll get there. Alcohol. All right. Okay, so this is something we're all learning right now but we're the experts so obviously we'll draft the proper 12 things now I don't know how this draft is going to go Jason has the first pick and I'm confused as to whether we're going to get more luxury items more necessities I don't really know I might or might not have I might or might not have been looking at how much hot tubs are

and how quickly they can get installed. Because I was like, dude, I just want to go out and use my pool, but I can't. It's too cold. It's like if I had a hot tub out there, we could get out, escape for the night. But that is not the 101. We'll see if that gets in there. I mean, we're just talking essentials here.

So it's probably in the running. I will take a hot tub to keep it away from you. I want you miserable. Thank you. I appreciate that. I am, of course, going to take toilet paper because it is the one thing that everybody needs that everybody's out of. Because everyone is an animal out there. People, you don't need that much toilet paper.

It's good business, Mike. I don't want to admit this. I have purchased toilet paper through eBay.com. Wait, wait. Hold on. Fantastically, it did arrive. You bought third-party auction toilet paper. You paid.

I have personal. What kind of premium did you have to pay for that? I'm so proud of that premium. It doesn't come cheap when there's people bidding. The problem is, is once you know other people are buying it, you feel like you have to be out ahead of when you're going to need it. And it perpetuates on itself, right? Because if you don't check on it today,

you're not going to have it in three weeks. But as someone who lives a certain particular lifestyle as Jason, I'm ashamed of you that you took toilet paper with the number one. Look, I'm the only one in my household living that life. So we'll see. We'll see if it gets drafted i am up now and i need to get a clarification from you all right because i need to know whether i am drafting the utility of internet or not because that would be my pick is that i don't think you can i don't think you can just draft the internet you have to draft like something it uses yeah Yeah. A portion of the internet.

That's like drafting food. You can't draft food. You can draft categories of food. Okay. So get, so a social distancing, a physical distancing essential is obviously the internet. I need to be able to check the news.

I need to know what's going on. I want to be able to order food. I want to be able to, uh, you know, you're saying web browser groceries. I'm saying, yeah, phone, you know you know phone internet being able to mobile and web browsing that sounds so lame when you put it that way but yeah that's why i'm trying to do it my brother i mean that just sounds

mobile and web browsing at your local library yeah yeah well Well, I mean, isn't that what you're saying? I don't want you to be able to do these things because I'm drafting them. That's right, and I can't. I cannot order my stuff online because you have mobile and web browsing. Oh, gosh. I can't do it without that. I already lost this draft

for drafting the internet. Give me the internet. No, you don't get the entire internet, though. Yeah, because if't get the entire internet, though. Yeah, because if you get the internet, that means there's other things. That means I can't play video games. Then give me a phone with the internet. Just put that as it. It sounds better than mobile and web browsing on Netscape Navigator.

Actually, that's great. So you're just saying a phone. Yeah, you should draft an iPhone, I guess. I don't know. Or just phone. Mobile phones. I'm going. Cell phones. Might so. should draft an iphone i guess i don't know whatever i'm going phones i'm going cell phones i have used my cell phone more since i've been here than in i mean is the battery running out

a little quicker during the day it's on a charger a lot my my friend i mean my screen time uh reports they're not gonna be way up yeah it's like screen time report you should take a break you take my cell phone away from me and i'm a little po'd so i think you i think you actually ended up getting jason jason has toilet paper i took a smartphone mike what do you got i'm okay i'm taking streaming services so i'm sorry you need to select one yeah oh yes no totally no i will take streaming services i like that was when we talked before the show jason i wondered it was at the 101 are you gonna take netflix it was tp or streaming services that those were my one and my two for sure because the amount of consumption is off the chain so streaming services yeah you got the Netflix, the Apple plus all that. Yeah. You're darn right.

And look, hand in hand, I'm streaming stuff when I'm not streaming. I am playing stuff. So I will draft video games. Okay. All right. So you have, so basically you guys have the internet now on lockdown. That is correct. The main usage.

Correct. All the apps, the news, the web browsing, the purchasing online for Andy, all the playing and watching and consuming for you guys. So I'm going to... And I want to be... But good news, you have toilet paper. You do have toilet paper. I want to be super clear, by the way.

I thought that this was going to be more survival based. So I'm looking at things like food and water. I took Netflix. Here's the thing that's lost. Go ahead. I don't want this to get lost. The way that Mike said, you know, I don't get to watch my movies. Y'all don't have toilet paper.

You don't have it. So just throwing that out there. All right. That's fine. I'll figure it out. You better draft it. All right. So, Mike, you have entertainment,

so to speak, on lockdown. I've got information and Jason has buttholes on lockdown. So, at this point in time, though... Not quite. You could have bidet or wipes life. I get it. I get it. We'll be surviving with those things. I'm not sure where to go with

the social distancing essentials. When I think about what's valuable to me right now, believe it or not, I think it's valuable to be able to drive my car. That doesn't mean going and endangering other people. Okay. But being able to get to a doctor, being able to get up north to get out of this area of the city and go hike. I like it.

So your car? So transportation? I think I'm going to take a car. Okay. I can go get groceries with it. I think I need your car. So transportation. I think I'm going to take a car. I can go get groceries with it. I think I need my car. Or I could just go for a drive when the kids are going a little bananas. Sounds like unphysical distancing to me.

Sounds like you're going places. You're the problem. I am going places alone. I'm going them. I will draft rock concerts because they are so much better than this social distancing. I'll take airports for 12. All right, so am I on the clock? I'll just say a car so I can go out and we could go on a hike

or we could do something else and get our brains off of it. All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right. Wait, Jason, are you out? No, I'm not out. I've got a look. my list is plentiful it's just a matter of which direction do i want to go because there's three things here that i really want just just lock the just lock the butthole up please i'm i'm no you want you that's not a phrase i ever want to hear again you don't want to draft the day mike but you know you're gonna have to draft it or or else you got no chance because toilet paper if you don't want to draft bidet, Mike, but you know you're going to have to draft it or else you got no chance because toilet paper

if you don't have toilet paper you are washing with a wash cloth at home. No, we all know what toilet paper is, Jason. You don't have to explain it to us. Because when you poop what happens? Alright. So for my... There's some remnants

behind that you gotta clean. Alright. I'm going to take because of my propensity to eat So for my... There's some remnants behind that you gotta clean. All right. I'm going to take, because of my propensity to eat, the importance of food and my newfound love for canned food, I am taking canned food. All right. I get all of it. I get my SpaghettiOs, my DentiMore beef stew. I get my chili.

I get my corn and my green beans and all the canned food of the world it's my what other food exists jason oh i can do it to look let me tell me more take you on a tour through my pantry uh and then this and then the second one i'm between two here one that's important and one that's important so okay well take take the important one i will be taking because i don't believe it would come back to me. I think Mike would grab it. I'm going to take libations for when the night is hard and the day has been rough and I can wind down with a glass of wine. The libations be mine.

It's a good pick. Okay. Because you took all the entertainment. What am I going to be doing? Well, because I'm going to play to my strengths here. I'm going to take medications because you guys don't got them. I got them. You don't got them.

Dude, I was between. They're serving me so well. My wife is dead. She's a diabetic. She's dead now. Well, I didn't mean to kill your wife, okay? I did not mean to kill your wife. I'm sorry.

No, no, no. You can buy them with toilet paper, okay? them with toilet paper okay let her know buy her some insulin with your toilet paper i was i was between we will be bartering i was a hundred percent between prescriptions like medication and libations sorry honey you made the right choice yeah medications of another kind all right i was trying to take whichever one I thought. I thought prescriptions or medication could come back to me, but that makes sense that you'd grab that, Andy. Wise pick. I like it.

All right, Mike. You got two picks. So I'm on the corner. I got two picks. This will wrap up the draft for me. So number one, I will take the elusive hand sanitizer. Oh, yes. Ooh.

Speaking of toilet paper, you cannot get sanitizer anymore. And I think it's harder to substitute when you're on the go. You can't just wash your hands with soap and water if you're on the road.

You need hand sanitizer. I drove the other day and I had a little protein cookie and I had driven someplace and I realized it was a Larry's cookie. Thank you very much. Not a sponsor. Hashtag not a sponsor, but delicious.

They could be. What kind of cookie? Oh, Larry's, man. Protein cookies? They're so good. I've never heard of that. But I realized, realized see we realized new things first of all i have i have fingernails for the first time in 30 years because of i can't like i've never had them in my whole life and now i have them but it is shocking to me that well i guess shocking is the wrong word but like the fact that the quarantine and the and the worry about

the virus like that was it that it got you to the point where you didn't. Yes, Mike, a global pandemic was it. That finally got it for me. But I'm just saying like good for you. That's an incredible step that I don't think most people are taking. They're still biting nails. With the Larry's cookie, I realized I would be pulling that thing out and eating it with my hands.

So I had to eat it with the wrapper. Like you have to hold it with the wrapper. Yes, you do. Fingernail clippers are they're pretty cheap they you can just clip your nails like but no no that had nothing to do with the nails had nothing to do with the nails i did clip my nails for the first time in my life instead of eating them but i was just saying you have to be like the hand sanitizer would have helped me because then i could have eaten my cookie instead of being a weirdo that's all i'm saying go on mike all. And I will take my last pick because

this is near and dear to my heart, especially right now. I'm trying to make the right decisions. So I've got entertainment and I will also take exercise equipment. I am making sure that I'm not pulling a Jason Moore, putting on a cool 40 with canned peaches and canned pears. I'll take the over. I'll take the over, my friend. Look, on my list, I have a Peloton on my list. Not anymore. I know I need it, but yeah, it's off my list now.

So yeah, exercise equipment is smart. I got it. Enjoy not wiping your butt or eating, Mike. I'm fine. I got a t-shirt. He'll be swole. He'll burn off that fat because he won't have anything coming in. All right.

Streaming services, video games, hand sanitizer, exercise equipment. I've got a smartphone. I've got a car. I've got some medications. And I guess I will take the more, I don't know, maybe family-oriented board games. I will take entertainment. It's on my list, but I have video games, so I don't need them. Yeah, you don't.

But I'll go with board games, ability to kind of do that. The 1980s called. Yeah. On to board. Now, board games is a good pick, especially because we don't have entertainment. Mike's got the streaming. He's got the video games. When we all run out of power,

Andy will be the one left entertained. All right, look. I realize I've got another one of these categories already on lockdown. This is the last pick of the draft, right? That is correct. I could talk through everything here. Yes, you can.

Pet food could run out. I love my pets but sorry i'm selfish they could eat your canned food that's right that's right they look canned dog oh i guess i've got dog food right i just got canned food that's true there you go you actually only have it tastes like dog food i could go bottled waters um i i don't need to go bidet i've got toilet paper nobody took it so i've got that on lockdown so i'm pretty much between hand soap and frozen food i feel like the two like when i'm stocking so i'm just thinking about me like you know okay this is coming down maybe we're gonna get quarantined locked down have a real tough time getting stuff what are the essentials toilet paper canned food frozen food

and libations this is a home run i love my dragon i'm taking frozen food all and libations. This is a home run. I love my draft. I'm taking frozen food. All right. So I'm stocked up. I can eat a variety of food. How was Jason the practical draft? How did this possibly happen? Well, he did draft two of his four.

50% of his draft was food. So I am not surprised by the outcome of the draft. I agree with you. And then, to be honest with you libations is still uh being consumed and the toilet paper handles the other side of it so he is entirely food oriented it's all about the in and the out my friend it's all about the in and the out absolutely i'm gonna need some of that exercise equipment mike i wanted ice cream too but uh off to trade some medications for you a drafted ice cream so on brand oh yeah that's where I'm never healthy hey frozen food I've got it what did we learn

today I learned that uh Jason loves adores and was surprised by the quantity of canned peaches in his life. It is so good. I learned that I will be at least 300 pounds by the end of this lockdown. We're all learning about Jason. I learned Jason was bullied, and that makes me sad. Oh, that's sweet. It was like a two-time happening. But two times, you still remember it. Clearly, it affected you.

That's fair. It sucked. It was not good. Don't remember it. Clearly, it affected you. That's fair. That's fair. It sucked. It was not good. Don't bully people. Hey, teenagers, if you have leg hair, you don't need to tease the guys that don't have leg hair yet. They're going to get it. Look, I remember being the littlest kid, too, and the locker room was a scary place if you were behind the curve. I remember the pit here where you would be swimming

because we're in Arizona, so you're swimming all the time, and then every summer you're checking. You're like, oh, man. Come on now. Do I have any buds going on down here? Jason used to glue it on. Yeah, I mean, you got to do what you got to do. Roll around.

Shave it right off the dog. Roll around in some Elmers. He shaved it off his back. Yes. Oh, thank you, El. The one place, like, why does my back grow so thick? All right. People now think I've got this crazy mane on my back.

I've just got a patch of hair on the top by my neck. Look, just because people call you Sasquatch, it has nothing to do with that. Just because you braid it. Just because you let it flow. Look, everybody out there, genuinely, stay safe, stay smart. We'll get through this. It's going to be an endurance thing

for a lot of us, I think. Just being able to, like I said, maybe we're not physically connected. Let's stay socially connected. We can do that here. Do it at spitballerspod.com. Connect with us on Twitter. We'll be here throughout. My Twitter game is nasty right now.

I am crushing. That doesn't sound very exciting, actually. We are dedicated to being here and putting out great, fun content through this time, so I can't wait for the next episode. We might be bringing some extra stuff soon. Who knows? Who knows?

We'll see you next time. Goodbye. Take care, everybody. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. Hey, it's Andy. The show's over. Listen, I've got... Whoa, whoa.

Yeah, I've got a... Well, see, that's the right sound because I got a message from Al Borland. He didn't have the heart to come and tell you himself, but he needs your help. He needs ideas for the show. He needs to know that you're behind him. Take his broken wings.

So, look, he wanted me to come and say a few words at the end of the show first thanks for listening second thanks for subscribing and third head to spitballerspod.com and find out how you can uh support al borland click the become a spitwad button