Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 92: Mouth Breathers & The Most Unsanitary Things

Episode Date: March 30, 2020

We have got some great articles to discuss in today’s long-awaited edition of ‘Is This Real Life?’. We also discuss coma patients and the preferred method of transporting them. Mike also reveals a secret insecurity he has always had & Owl chimes in with something real smooth. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I need you to stop what you're doing right now and listen to me. I have a very important message. Frank, I'm talking to you, Bob. Oh, Frank, listen up. Tilly. Tilly. Do people, are people named Tilly anymore? No, that was from the 90s. Sharon? Three people. All yous out there. Number one, thank you for checking out the podcast. Number two, if you want to help support this show, keep the show running. We're just independent over here. We're just three dudes and an owl and a judge. We're trying to make you laugh on Monday mornings. Head over to spitballerspod.com. Learn how you can support this show and get a bunch of cool perks

like access to the spit tank where we prioritize questions for this show, get access to the show early. Head over to spitballerspod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Let's go.

Ding dong. The airlessness. Oh, I didn't even think that would happen. The losing the voice is so good. You had a leaky tire. It was a leaky tire. Ding dong. It was a leaky tire. I am so happy for you going through puberty, Andy, and becoming the man that you've waited 36 years to become.

Let me tell you something. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast, by the way. We have a great one for you. Would you rather? Is this real life? What you didn't know is making me scat disrupts the voice for the remainder of the show i've been without a regular speaking voice for almost a month i have now started to wonder if it's permanently damaged like it will never return and what happens then well the world's a better place scat like a prepubescent teenager every time i remember that's tough i remember having the same thoughts you had last

september when uh i i you know had some respiratory issues for darn near a month it it's it's no good but look at me now look at you now well literally don't look at you now because right before this show began you told us that the room you're in is so hot that you are now there's a video of this show on youtube obviously watch on youtube and you look very well dressed i mean you're in is so hot that you are now there's a video of this show on youtube obviously watch on youtube and you look very well dressed i mean you're wearing a polo your hair's done you yeah your beard seems tidy enough in the midst of this circumstances but you have nothing on really the top of your shirt yeah i mean i would say donald duck yes that's right uh donald duck has nothing on me because he at least lets his shirt hang down.

My shirt, right? So if you're on YouTube and you're looking, here's the camera. Okay, I'm going down. The shirt goes down to about there, which is above the belly. I got no pants on. I've got ice packs under my feet. This is incredible. And as Owl pointed out right before we started recording, he said it's 58 degrees here.

Is that true? Is that real life? That is true. Yeah. Wow. You do not actually get cold. It's not possible. I need to record this in a refrigerator.

What's that old show? Not the Bear Grylls one. There used to be another guy that went out and did like 30. Survivor Man. Survivor Man. Survivor Man. You would be perfect for that jason if they put me in the cold yeah yeah jason survives antarctica with nothing yes i want

with one shirt how many jars of peanut butter do i get that's all on oh my god put me in the desert put me out in the sahara i just you just watch me actively melt let's survive for six hours impossible in a tank at spitballers pod on Twitter by the way follow us there Instagram comm slash spitballers pod appreciate all the spit wads out there supporting the show at join the spit calm hope everybody's doing okay I hope everybody is staying composed it's a weird time nobody is built for this nobody knows uh you know what's coming next in terms of everybody being stuck at home introverts are built for this experience my man are they really though yes

one thousand percent like if i didn't have three monstrous children running around, I would be living my best life right now, man. I laughed. Oh, my gosh. I laughed at a meme I saw. It was like people normally, and it's everybody on their phones, and they're indoors, and then it's like people in quarantine, and they're out on hiking paths and jogging and trying to be in parks,

and it's so true what to do oh my gosh but seriously if like if i didn't have to take care of three small human beings right now i would be playing so many video games i'd be watching all the movies uh i've i've talked about how recently i went through all the marvel movies again but i'll be doing that all over again and it would it would be incredible absolutely all right let's get into uh review review asaurus rex this one comes in from tranquility ace five stars much needed laugh as a critical care nurse on the front lines of the covid 19 crisis i needed some distraction in my life stumbling onto your show i found it the day i found out that i had been

exposed to a patient with the virus i was beside myself that's that's that's real that's intense that night i listened to episode 31 and laughed till I cried when you guys were talking like Yoda in the bathroom stall invasion. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You provided good medicine to this man. I love the show and will be a devoted Spitwad listener.

Thank you, Tranquility Ace. So much more so than thanking us. Well, you know what? We are a distraction. That's for sure. Yeah. I mean, I do need to kind of dial that back because I do think we probably help

just so many more people. Just sheer volume. We're just here. I've never felt... I've been paid such a compliment to be called a distraction has that ever been a good thing until now it sure feels good right now to be a hearty distraction i used to get in trouble at school for that that's that used to be something i got yelled

at for jason you're being a distraction i think not anymore i think that's pretty amazing first of all i think thank you and shout out to all of the just unbelievable health co-workers i've been sick over the last month i i was uh tested for covid and i had to go through the process and i i mean the people that are there are such professionals and they're putting themselves on the line so for the genuine thing there i mean that is absolutely incredible Thank you for what you're doing. Um, I'm glad we're a distraction.

It's the simple things right now that keep people sane. I mean, I bought an, I bought a nerf hoop on Amazon and stuck it up in the middle of our house and we get to shoot around during the day. That's a nice distraction. Like that's the level we are the nerf hoop level. I think we're more fart joke, which is a whole nother level but that's true i

want to talk about though the thing that's not being talked about is you're over there you had to go you you had to get the testing but what you you weren't thinking about is what did i have to endure because you had to get tested like all of us i'm calling all my friends like ah crap some guy i know is getting tested everybody and they're like it's not a good feeling you're the worst and i'm like it's not even my fault like so i just i was very very selfish of you andy very selfish look i i saw a uh an interview with i think it's daniel day kim is his name and he's from uh you know various television shows he's an actor and he put out

a video he tested positive he was from he was filming in new york and you know he felt so bad he had no idea he was sick he had no idea exposed anybody but he had to like come on and apologize to each and every person he worked with because he's like i had no idea i was asymptomatic but and and don't get me wrong, when I was going through that, I've never been through a respiratory illness like this. I was writing down the names, thinking I'm going to have to make those phone calls. And so fortunately, it came back negative, and I didn't have to do that. But yeah, sorry, Mike.

I'm just joking. But it's such a strange thing that people are living through. Because I'm sure there are people who are listening to this right now who they have a friend, they have a family member who they're going through the testing process right now. And you're like, wait a minute, I didn't do anything wrong. And the person who's being tested, they didn't do anything wrong either. So it's like, what a freaking crazy world right now, man. Yeah. So everybody stay safe. Hang in there.

We will get through it. A year from now, we'll look back. And I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know that we'll get through it. Let's get into some. Or water will be the only resource left. Water and gas. Thank you. Yeah.

Or that. That's one possible option. There's multiple outcomes here. Just stock up on water and gas. We're not drafting existential threats this week. We're saving that for another time, Mike. We can really lean into the demise of the world at that point. Let's get into

Would You Rather. I'm going to get Meteor. Would you rather? Wow, I have not seen this question until just now. Micah from Patreon, would you rather be in prison for 10 years or in a coma for 20 that is an incredible question because in the coma you're obviously you're not experiencing any of it but you lose another 10 years of your life right in prison i'd i mean i'd be in prison for two years because i make it, Dan? There's also repercussions, though. Like, you come out of prison, you're a convicted felon, getting work, getting jobs.

Also, whatever put you in prison is going to have an effect. You know, did your family move on or not? You know, I guess, but in a coma for 20 years. I mean, did your family move on? Yeah, your family's moved on. That's... I mean, 20 years in a coma for 20 years. I mean, did your family move on? Yeah, your family's moved on. I mean, 20 years in a coma. I think we've all put ourselves in that situation where you think about what it would be like to wake up

and try to acclimate to a new world. I mean, I saw people that were, just speaking of the current pandemic and where we're at with COVID-19. The coma people are the lucky ones right now. Am I right? That's not what I was going to say. But what I was going to say was that there are some people that were hiking.

They did a 25-day disconnection in Grand Canyon. It was Jared Leto. Oh, he was one too, right? Yeah, I heard there were some people. Yeah, I had heard about Jared Leto, actor, singer from 30 Seconds to Mars, who's like legit. I mean, he's a different cat. You look at him and you hear him being interviewed.

You know, like he's an outsider. But apparently he came back and had no idea. Had no idea this was going on. It sounds like a joke. I mean, these people, someone drove up to them in a car after 25 days and told them, hey, guess what's going on? And they had no idea this sounds like it sounds like a joke i mean these people someone drove up to them in a car after 25 days and told them hey guess what's going on and they had no idea the world is in chaos the world i mean because it's still hard i think denial is like half of the uh equation here but prison for 10 years i mean that's tough time in coma you're not you know you're not doing anything you're not fighting for your life

probably we don't know you're saying that this some could be happening in the coma well i'm just saying like you're eavesdropping on everybody and you know you're hearing everything well i'm not even talking about eavesdropping like maybe you're in a fever dream we i mean we've all experienced that dream where you're like this can't what i'm enduring right now can't possibly be real but it just keeps going and going and going what if that's 20 years i have never had a fever dream that is what you describe is this is this a common thing what you've never experienced a dream where you felt like this it can't be reality well i mean i've had dreams which all feel that

way but i mean it's specifically like some sick fever dream that's like uh over the top bad or something like that as you're describing i've never had that wait wait wait you've never had a nightmare in your life yes but not caused by a fever or a like a coma is that so is that just well i've never very common i mean you've never had a coma you've never been like a coma is that so is that just well i've never very common i mean you've never had a coma you've never been in a coma is what you're saying i haven't been in a coma that's what i'm trying to describe here yet i've never been in a coma but i have had several fever dreams i've also had the pizza drinks i'm sorry to pepperoni eat a pepperoni pizza right before you go to bed see what happens so are you telling me that a fever dream is just a synonym pepperoni

pizza is great uh and i'll eat it before i'll eat it before bed i'll eat it right when i wake up i'll eat it i'll go a full 24 hours of eating nothing but pepperoni pizza and i'll sleep like a baby in fact i'll sleep better than ever because my body will not be able to metabolize i you know i'm just gonna be i want i'm gonna be in that coma i'm officially going to prison i'm not going to you know you put me before this choice right now or i mean this choice is before me right now i'm not missing 10 years of my children's lives regardless of whether i'm separated from them or have some connection i'm going to prison the interesting question to me would not be the 10 and 20 if it's 10 and 20 i'm going to take because you're losing 10 years of life you're you know by taking this but if it was 10 years in prison or 10 years in a coma yeah if it was 10 and 10 what would you do

10 and 10 i think i would go coma side because of course you take the coma no not of course because you would at least from prison you'd be still like meeting with your kids and seeing your kids your kids lose you for 10 years in the coma. I feel like they lose you for 10 years either way. Not the same, though. You might get a couple check-ins. You can't write them a letter from your coma. But do they lose respect?

Do they lose... Do they read that letter? Exactly. Do they hate you because you've gone to prison? I mean, who knows? I don't know. I don't know how that would go. I went to prison for tax fraud.

I'm going to a nice prison. You're playing... You're at a tennis club in prison. I'm hanging out. Yeah, this is not a big deal. You and Wesley Snipes teaching you some ninja moves. Yeah, the guy from Survivor. Who is that? Richard Hatch.

Yeah, we're all there. We're just chilling. I'm taking the coma because there's one thing I'm probably elite at, and that is sleeping. Do you lose weight in a coma? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Because muscle weighs a lot, and you're going to wake up and be the weakest man alive. Do they move you?

Do they roll you around and stuff in a coma? I think they do. Not like all day. Going down the hallway. Watch out. Coma patient coming through. Somersaults. You want to hit the wendy's bro that's

but they move that grassy hill this is not the first coma conversation we've had on spitballers either because i remember that jeremy uh are sorry al borland was looking up the longest coma patient oh yeah that had ever woken up. And then he just told me they died. They never woke out. Look, why am I laughing at this? I don't know.

It's a time to laugh. I'm going to prison. I'm going to sleep. And Mike, what are you doing? Oh, man. I'm so torn between what I believe I could get done in that 10 years, between what I would actually get done in that 10 years, or just 20 years of sleeping.

No, 10 and 10. I'm taking the sleeping. It's way easier. All right. All right. How old's your oldest right now? 10? About to be 11.

11. All right. Come back as 31. 31-year-old? Yeah yeah all right david from twitter yeah you're right 31 i know it's crazy right i gotta go to prison yeah i switched him at the last minute but if it was 21 and you get out in 10 yeah then you missed those uh you missed the pubescent voice years that i'm going through right now david from twitter would you rather never be able to use a remote for your television or have to send every text and email using siri dictation no phone no phone remote so basically like we're old enough i'm 36 mike i think, I think you're 37. Jason, 38.

And I had a Sony TV growing up for the first however many years, and it had, you know, like 10 buttons. It was channel 3, 5, 8, 10, 12, you know? Wait, did it have buttons or did it have a turn dial? No, no, no. It was buttons. It was one button per channel. It was just up the side. And you'd get up and you'd turn it on and you'd turn it off,

and that's how you lived life. And so remember that but i don't know which one's 99 that thing went to 99 it didn't go up into the 700s i know that's the problem yeah because here here's the thing is is the dial that you know the old school thing where you had the turn dial you could turn it to any channel in the blink of an eye walking up there now like i i think about my i've got like a cox communications uh cable box hooked up to my tv there's not even a button on there there's no buttons to change the channel so this is if i lose the remote i just can't but if you've got the bigger box like one of my tvs has the buttons on the on the cable box and i would have to push one channel at a time to get to 722

so i don't think 20 years before you get to your channel anyway i just don't think that's possible to lose the remote i mean because tvs aren't made for that now like the buttons on them can't get you where you need to go i mean i think you presume in this situation you would be hand dialing the on off and the channel i mean so i have a numeric pad the irony is i use my remote's voice function to go to channels i never type the channel in i always say go to 313 to go to channels. I never type the channel in. I always say go to 313 or go to 334. So I use the Siri dictation for the remote. Go ahead, Jay.

So have either of you actually used for real conversation or in any situations where there's been a back and forth, forth text thread where you have used Siri dictation or, you know, I know we're all iPhone users. Not successfully. Yeah. Not successfully. This is where I was going to go. Our producer,

Al Borland, I see him using voice to text all the time. And I'm like, I watch him do it. And I go, what are you doing, man? this is how you live your life and so you can chime in with this ow am i wrong you use you use the dictation all the time i do yeah i got used to using it in the car and it's just that's what i use yeah you're like i'll watch him reply like yes i do i do. I'm like, what? Hold on.

This is more efficient than just quickly typing in, yes, I do? This is a wild world. Here's an example. So we recently got the AirPod Pros, right? So those have the text communication in them. I was at a grocery store having my new AirPod Pros, and I'm walking around, and there's this weird beep that I've never heard before. It's like, do-do-do-doop. And I was like, grocery store having my new AirPod Pros, and I'm walking around, and there's this weird beep that I've never heard before. It's like, do-do-do-doop.

And I was like, what was that? And it goes, text message from Tiffany. It's a sale. It was like, text message from Tiffany. And it's like, hey, make sure you pick up some eggs. This was like a month ago or so. This was before all the worries and the shortages. This was just a normal grocery trip.

And then Siri says says to me she goes you can text back by just saying you know reply back or something like that and so i tried it i was like okay yeah i tried it and i said you know oh sure do we need milk and butter and then what she said she said one moment did you mean it was just like legs and water? Right. It was like, I can't send this. This is garbage. So I was all excited to use it, but I don't think that's possible either. Does Al Borland just have a soothing, deep voice that just Siri can understand? Oh, no.

Oh, no. Don't do it. You know I do. Oh, no. There it is. But where's the music? Where's the music? Oh, my goodness. Is this going to show up here? Oh, no. Here it comes. You know I do. Oh, no. There it is. But where's the music? Where's the music? Oh, my goodness.

Is this going to show up here? Oh, no. What's up, spit warts? How you doing? The owl is deep. Remote recording has brought with it some, you know, special things. What's up, spit warts? Ballisocks and starfishes uh this is a tough one though because i i don't know i i think i could live with the siri dictation and learn how to do

that well i'd probably text less though yeah i agree i'm gonna take the siri dictation because over time it's going to get better over time remoteless tvs are not going to get better i mean maybe you can get to like dictation where you're telling her. I'll tell you what's going to increase is Jason Moore popping up on my telephone because he's calling me. That's right. 100%. If I can't text properly, it's going to be like, I just called a guy. All right.

Clark from Twitter. Would you rather be chewing five times as loud or have your breathing be 10 times as loud? Oh, man. So you're either Darth Vader or the world's most annoying person. Oh, this... Look, I'll jump in here.

This is terrible. As a man who lives with... I'll project conservatively. I have probably 30% nasal airflow at any given moment of my life, which means, by definition, I apologize, I am a mouth breather. So, yes, when people use that phrase as a slur, I take offense to that because I don't have a choice. That's right.

I'm a smart person, but I have to breathe through my mouth. And so I'm always like conscious of, am I breathing really loud? Oh my gosh. I've never thought you breathe loud. I know because I'm always thinking about it. But if I can't control it and it's 10x, you're just going to hear me in the corner. Oh, my goodness.

Now, real quick. Why do you breathe like a goat? Like a goat mating? I don't know. Why is mouth breather like a pejorative term to mean stupid? Like, what does that mean? I think it's like breathing. You're like breathing wrong.

You're breathing incorrectly. I always took it to be like you're a caveman. Like, you're so uncivilized that you have to breathe through your mouth, even though it's probably allergies. All right. Well, I just looked at the definition of a mouth even though it's probably allergies. All right. Well, Mike's mouth breather. I just looked up the definition of a mouth breather. Here it is.

Noun. A stupid person. That's it. Yeah, so you should take offense when they call you a mouth breather, Mike. Now, listen, Mike. Here's a little caution for you. Mouth breathing is, let me define it for you.

It's breathing through the mouth rather than the nose. It could cause gingivitis and halitosis, bad breath. Those are more things for you to be thinking about. Oh, great. Great. It wasn't bad enough that everyone's calling me stupid. Now I've got halitosis. Stupid people with halitosis.

All right. But chewing five times as loud. I mean, do you ever eat in public or are you like how do you hide that volume of chewing but here's the thing if you're if you're a respectable person if you're a respectable person you chew with your mouth closed okay right and if you're chewing with your mouth closed you know it's kind of like that whatever you multiply times zero is zero. I'm not too worried about five times. You should, but you are now properly using exponents, my friend.

This isn't to the fifth power. This is times five. Just five regular times louder. He thinks he has a fully soundproof mouth, obviously. And look, I would be just drinking soups, right? You don't got to chew a soup. That would be your choice. Do you want to know what I don't always do?

I don't always chew throughout my day. Right now, I'm not chewing at all. And I do this whenever i'm not eating but i'm always breathing and so 10 times as loud everyone's going to be concerned i'm going to walk everywhere everyone's gonna be like dude are you okay you know everybody trying to give me the heimlich because i'm like everywhere i go nobody can take me seriously jason convinced me because you breathe all the time. You can make a choice.

You can be more selective with the chewing. Yeah, you're not eating chips anymore. You're not eating carrots. But if I'm eating my soggy cereal five times louder, I'm fine. SpaghettiOs saves the day. You can multiply my chewing of SpaghettiOs times 25. You wouldn't hear it because i don't have to chew it you just aren't you gonna eat that i've got to wait about 25 minutes for it to soggify

oh my gosh all right um mike your final answer i've got to take the chewing we've already been over this all right all right let's on. We've got a special segment today. Is this real life? All right. In this segment, we bring you a very unique and special news story that each of us have found. The other people do not know about it, and we get their reaction to it. Now, no better time than now to be asking, is this real life, right? Living in a weird day and age. I will bring you my story, okay? Okay.

And get your reactions to this. Here's the headline of the story. Doctors discover booze brewing in sober woman's bladder. And this story. Wait, what? Doctors discover booze brewing in sober woman's bladder. A 61-year-old, this is kind of sad. She's her own brewery?

Inadvertently. She's 61. She was on a liver transplant list. They denied her her transplant because in her urine, they discovered there was alcohol. They sent her to a medical facility for alcohol abuse treatment instead of giving her her actual liver transplant. She kept insisting that she wasn't an alcoholic,

and eventually they discovered that her bladder was brewing alcohol, and she suffers from, listen to this, she suffers from, quote, urinary auto brewery syndrome. That's not real. You're going to get the scientists for that one. Her urine was so filled with sugar and yeast, which are the two key ingredients for fermentation because she's also a diabetic, they finally found out that her bladder was producing alcohol.

What proof is this? Is this like a 40 proof? Try this for a good time. She could, I mean, she was able to bottle her urine in exchange for the liver transplant. No, that part's made up. That part's made up. That is, that's unbelievable. I can't have that.

I suffer from bladder makes- Autoburritosis. Autoburry syndrome. Oh, man. What? No. She's back on the list because they found out this, and it says her case demonstrates how easy it is

to overlook signals that urinary aut brewery syndrome may be present. She's back on the list. Like she didn't even just put her at the top? No, I don't know why. Sorry, lady. You got to start over. Back to the end of the line. On the bright side, you can brew your own beer right now.

Just drink some water. Out comes beer. Unbelievable. Don't worry. We'll call it Miller Lite. Oh, my goodness. Don't worry. We'll call it Miller Lite. Oh, my goodness. Don't worry. All right, Mike, what you got?

All right. Well, apparently we have a similar situation because mine is man eats underwear to be breathalyzer. Wait. Wait, to absorb? He's absorbing the alcohol in his stomach with his underpants so first and foremost foremost i have to say this ladies gentlemen children who are listening drinking and driving is not a joke at all but this guy is a joke so we have a man in canada who was pulled over and due to his quick wit and thinking he thought what do I do because

I've had a couple libations how do I make sure that I I blow the legal limit and his thought was to death I will rip out the crotch of my underpants wait it wasn't just like it wasn't just like oh a Walmart shopping bag that i just bought underwear i always keep a spare pair of underwear in my glove box because i'm a monster it was i'm taking off my currently used sweaty underpants and i'm gonna the the culprit ripped the crotch of his shorts stuffed the fabric in his mouth and then he eventually spit it out. He did not actually get it down to complete the actual scientific experiment. So he didn't get out of it?

Oh my goodness. So you make kids at home, you make very bad decisions when you have overindulged on alcohol. But the thing is, he actually hadn't over. He was under the legal limit. He just freaked out and decided that I'm going to chomp this underwear of duck butter and see what happens. When I'm in a tough situation and I'm panicking, eating my own underpants is not at the top of my list.

It's like fourth or fifth. That guy is a total mouth breather. I mean, for sure. And he was worried about the breathalyzers and mouth breathers. You want halitosis, eat your underpants. I'll tell you that. Oh, my goodness. I feel like you don't need a breathalyzer at that point.

It's just like, sir, did you just eat your underpants? Step out of the car. You've been arrested. You are under arrest for eating your own underpants. I never asked this of anybody. But have you by chance eaten your underwear? And the funny part about this is when they actually got into the courtroom, they had to dismiss everybody because they started talking about the evidence

and no one in the courtroom could handle it because the dude ripped the crotch of his underwear and tried to eat it. Now, hold on, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I would bet money. I would bet you right now that I could not rip the crotch of my underwear off. Like, I could try. I'm in my underwear right now.

I could not possibly rip the crotch of my underwear off. There's no way. It's impossible. This guy's the strongest man alive you're not desperate enough you're not desperate enough oh man you put that that police officer in my rear view mirror do i get super craw tripping strength that's i mean that that was overlooked the fact that this guy could even accomplish a feat such as this oh my goodness unbelievable all right you guys got your uh circus caps on for this one yeah we have our circus caps on exactly all right here it comes

my my uh headline is canine attacks cow cop tases canine cow injures cop during a burglary investigation where there was no burglar so so once yes once again i'll read it again canine attacks cow cop tases canine cow injures cop during a burglary investigation where there was no burglar scissors this is hot potato it's 100 paper hot scissors oh you got a cow i got him i got a canine cop beats canine canine beats cow cow beats cop yes exactly so apparently this police this police officer was called out to a burglary investigation it turned out there wasn't a burglar no and while he was there he takes his police canine unit out of the car and the dog's totally distracted by this cow so he just goes

and attacks this cow and i'm i'm just saying maybe they need an investment is that cow like stuffed with you know some kind of right yeah maybe that that canine's doing his job so the canine's doing his job because that that cow is clearly stuffed with contraband. And the cop comes over and tases the dog. He missed. You might need to. He missed? You think he was aiming for the cow?

He's like, oh, no, Roger. Oh, so he's trying to pull Roger off the cow? Wait, who's Roger? Roger's the canine. I just named him. We named the dog. You really threw me off naming him a human name. Well, what?

I mean, what are you? Yes. Dude, the best dog names are human names. Richard. Richard the dog. No, that's weird. First names aren't dog names very often, are they? Like Barkley.

Scout would work. Yeah. Hmm. Anyways. Back to the story. back to the story back to the story so he he tases the the dog which that surprised me that this cop would be like hey you're my partner because they're partners right the canine unit is considered a partner of the police officer yeah that cow is gone if if that's if i'm the cop and that's my cop dog, that cow is... Sorry. You let the dog eat the cow. I mean, imagine that you're...

Let's make burgers. Mike, if you and I were police officer partners and we go up to that burglary and you look over, I'm punching this cow and I'm just like, boom, boom, boom, boom. Are you tasing me? No, I'm... All right. I guess the cow did something really bad. Exactly.

Exactly. But then when the cop came to get the dog off of him, the cow fought back and injured the cop. He kicked the cop. Oh, my goodness. So there's the headline. This is the world we live in. That is glorious.

That's spectacular. Man, that made me laugh. All right, let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right, today we are drafting the most unsanitary things. Now, this idea came, I believe, from Jason's wife. It did. She thought that this was timely and funny and disgusting.

It is all of those things. I have the first pick. Now, I don't know if there's a one-on-one because I've never drafted most unsanitary things before. There are a lot of things that gross me out. There are a lot of things I wouldn't want to put my hands on or be around that are very unsanitary, but I will take what I envisioned as the most nightmarish situation possible,

which is, of course, a horrible, disgusting porta potty. A porta potty is so unsanitary. So gross, man. There's no way. You can't describe something good about a porta potty. You don't. Well, you know how like. Nice handle.

No, no, it's an unsanitary handle. When people rent a car, they don't treat it like it's an unsanitary handle when when people rent a car they don't treat it like it's their car you know they're just like they're like whatever happens to this car it's not mine i feel like that's what happens with a porta potty people say this isn't my bathroom i don't care what goes where yeah because regular public restrooms are already very gross and then you take it to a new level with the porta potty because nobody's cleaning them there's not a crew that comes in halfway through the day and tidies up a porta potty that thing is fully anonymous like there's no other people in there and here's the thing here's the thing if you've got to go let's say you're out at a construction site right

and they've got they've brought in porta potties because the there's no plumbing there. I would so much rather go in a bush than in that porta potty. It's not even – when you said, Andy, there's nothing good you could say about a porta potty, you can't even go, oh, good, I can go to the bathroom there. No, it's like I can go to the bathroom anywhere I want by comparison of walking in that death booth of – You just don't want to get arrested. Yeah, exactly. So porta pottiesies that would have been

that that is my one-on-one that's definitely i would have well there you go yeah mike you're like the easy it seemed like the easy one-on-one with the outhouse number two i'm gonna go with something that it's called dirty for more than one reason but there is the phrase dirty money and that's talking like it's talking about something else but the fact that it is just a cesspool of germs think about money when you touch money are you washing your hands before and like when you when you have a handful of coins do you know how disgusting your hands feel right after that like i don't know if another go ahead no i was just gonna say i feel like money is a trick because it's like your phone like you don't we probably all don't sanitize our

phone enough like it just is there and money is like i don't know if i've ever thought about it that way like you're right you're 100 right but i never think about it as being that gross have you looked at a coin that was made in 1967? Do you know what kind of action that coin has seen? It has seen things of unspeakable horrors. It's been in porta-potties, probably. 100%. Dug out of porta-potties. 1,000%.

That could have seen a digestive tract. You don't know what that coin has been through in its lifetime. And you're just like, yeah, here it is. Let me give you some money. And then someone just like yeah here it is let me give you some money and someone else is like perfect let me hand you some money it's disgusting it's gross it's pretty darn gross foul money money is money is very very foul you know what else is foul i look someone's got to do it so i'm gonna do it i'm taking poop okay because there's not much i'm going right to the source here you're worried about digestive tracts you're worried about porta potties you want to know why you're worried

about both those things because poop uh look there's nothing that i would want to touch out there less than than poop so i mean you don't have like a thesis there's no thesis no five page paper as to why it's just i don't need a big backup plan here to defend the fact the poop is unsanitary um the other thing that i think is a commonly used item that i i believe most people are well aware of how disgusting it is because years ago i would say a decade ago started all the local news stories where they thought, oh, someone else did this, and this sounds really great and is also disgusting. Let me go out and test our local grocery shopping carts. Those shopping carts always test positive for fecal matter, for just everything that

you couldn't even fathom because you're putting babies with diapers in there. You're not washing your hands like you should, and you're touching this, and a million people touch it. Do you think that we are living in, because of this whole crisis, we will come out of this, and like 20 years from now, we'll look back and say, remember when we used to shake hands, and we used to, like, all these unsanitary practices? Do you think we will look back and like they even said that possible like in japan some things haven't spread as much because in japan they bow and they yes they already wear masks they have like wash uh you know sinks at the entrance of a lot of

houses in japan because they just wash their hands when they get home from places why don't we bow that's awesome i've been seeing all these like touch each other's shoes touch each other's shoes well i mean look we we need to make up our own for hundreds of years this isn't like a new invention hundreds yeah but it's like it's like the imperial system versus metric like we're not we won't conform to what you do even though it's clearly superior i would love to like i don't to bow, but I want to be bowed to, does that make sense? I don't want to say that out loud.

Do you pump fake your bows? You pump fake yours and they just bow? And then you're like, why thank you. I slowly start my bow while I connect eyes with them until they go, oh, we're bowing. And then as soon as they start, I stand up. That's our thing. I think the shortest always bows to the tallest.

That's what I want to implement. Uh-oh. Ooh. That's not good for Al Borland. Oh, no. Aren't you and I the same height, Jason? No, we are not the same height. It's the public understanding of it.

The tall people think that. Okay, so you you got poop and shopping cards back to mike he has money so far all right and andy you actually you i thought you were going to spoil the pic for me but it's phones it is phone it was 100 your phone let me ask you this you sit down to use the porta potty i'll use your pics i'm in an outhouse because i'm i am taking a poop what am i doing in that outhouse i am playing on my phone now afterwards what do i do to clean up nothing i put it in your pocket i i wipe and look maybe my phone went in the pocket before maybe it went in after who's keeping track of these things?

But then afterwards, I wash my hands. I don't wash my phone. My phone is now covered in all sorts of just fecal matter and all sorts of disgustingness. But I never, ever think about washing my phone. It just goes right in the pocket because it's safe there. And then I pull it out and everything is all over my hands once again. You're 100% right. We all use our phones when we're in the stalls.

But if we see somebody on the phone at a urinal, they're gross. That's the funniest thing about it. 100%. What a hideous beast you are. You must be a mouth breather. Who would do that? I mean, honestly, when I walk in and someone is using the urinal and they're on their phone.

Hold on. I got tweeted at. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That's good. It is very unsanitary. All right.

So back to me. I've got port-a-potty. I've got two picks now. And, man. It's getting rough. This is tough. Here's what I'm going to go with. Because I was trying to think of situations that I think would be nightmarish.

You know what I mean? And ultimately, if you told me I had to sleep in dirty hotel sheets from somebody else that was there before me, dirty hotel sheets would be unbelievably gross. Three hotel sheets would be unbelievably gross. Like having to, all the imaginations of how dirty those could be, that has to be on my list. So that's my first pick. I'm going to throw a little curveball out there.

I shouldn't because I doubt anybody would pick this. But I was thinking about how absolutely unsanitary it would be. I mean, desperate times. We have people preparing for the apocalypse right now. Buy your bottled water. But how about drinking water from a stagnant pond? How unsanitary would that be? That's not sanitary.

Yeah, that's generally unsanitary. It's full of worms. People die from, like the biggest, I think, killer in the world is, or at least close to it, is unclean drinking water. Yeah. Yeah. So I thought that that was in my head. Absolutely disgusting. Not that it would be picked by any of you, but we'll go stagnant pond water.

I've got one that I just, I just can't wait. I just can't wait. And I know nobody's going to take it. I can't wait. Oh. I just can't wait. I just can't wait. And I know nobody's going to take it.

I can't wait. Oh. Now you've infected my brain, Jason, because I have one that... Oh, gosh, Jason. You are a terrible person for putting this... Because now Mike's trying to find which one to steal. Yes, I'm trying to play the draft of what's actually going to come back to me. I'll take the chance. I'll take the chance that the one I'm actually going to come back to me, I'll take the chance. I'll take the chance that the one I'm thinking of will come back to me.

And I'm going to go with it's something that they always tell you. When the flu season is here, make sure you are cleaning these. It's simple. It's easy. It's doorknobs. Doorknobs are apps like are absolutely disgusting because you're not thinking about you're not thinking about how dirty your hands are when you grab when you're opening the front door you don't think about that like i have like right now you

know we're living that weird crazy life of of uh is the virus on cardboard packages when something gets delivered to my house is it what do do with this package that's out front? Meanwhile, I'm just like, door handle, crank, not a problem. How is it not a problem? Because it could be covered in germs. It's always covered in germs. You haven't started in your house doing door kicks

for every entrance? That's why I just, boom! How are you kicking open your front door from the inside? With a very strong kick. How does he rip the crotch off of his underpants? Nobody knows. I pretend that a police officer's in my rearview mirror, and then boom, that door's open. All right, so doorknobs, Mike.

It's a good pick. I mean, you're right. Jason, you got a couple. All right. Well, the first one is going to be easy here. Don't take the one I want. No, you won't have this. Everyone's going to want it, and we've talked about it before

on this podcast. But I'm going to go ahead and take the bathroom carpet. Wait, hold on. Are you taking bathroom carpet or are you taking a bath mat? It's a bathroom mat. No, I am taking carpet

in a bathroom. The carpet in a bathroom. It's not every bathroom, No, no, no. I am taking carpeted bathroom. You're taking carpet in a bathroom? I'm taking the carpet in a bathroom. It's not every bathroom, but we saw plenty of pictures of people out there like they have a carpeted bathroom. We talk about how foul and filthy. Because you want to know what you can do with your bath mat? And what we do at our house, we have bath mats. We wash them.

We throw them in the washer. We throw them in the dryer. You know what you can't do with your carpet? I mean, you can bring in like a shampooer at best, but you're probably not doing that. And I mean, what is foul water? If you step on a moist carpet, a moist bathroom carpet, and between your toes, the water seeps up into there.

Squishing it around you. I mean, I know that you can't really catch anything through your toes, but it seems like it. Oh, it seems like it's not water. I'm definitely taking a carpeted bathroom. We'll call it a carpeted bathroom. The next thing I'm taking, look, this has been a problem right now that we're all going through. I'm going to take an airport because you have millions of people from all across the globe,

whatever is anywhere, is at the airport. It's a central hub for unsanitary nature. So you're sitting in a seat that a thousand other people have just sat in. A thousand butts. Not just like, okay, we're going to this Broadway show and someone sat here yesterday. This is like someone was sitting here 30 minutes ago. Someone was sitting there 30 minutes beforehand. And you're just constantly changing.

Then you got to go to the bathroom. Airports are just foul. They're the hubs that spread everything. So I'm going to take my carpeted bathroom all right airports as as uh unsanitary things so you have poop shopping carts carpeted bathroom and airports i love that i just poop you just drafted poop mike you have money phones doorknobs and one left and i'm pretty sure you're gonna steal mine that i should have taken instead of stagnant pond water but go on what we should we shall see i don't know if you guys have ever seen

a slow motion video of this particular act, but let's set the scene here, right? It's someone's birthday, and there is a tasty treat that everyone is going to enjoy, and it's covered in candles. And how do you get these candles? How do you douse the flames of this candle?

You blow them out. And when you watch the slow motion saliva just go all over that birthday cake, it is foul. I have never seen this. These are videos that are out there? Yes. The Japanese must not blow out candles. There's no way. There's no way.

There's absolutely no way. What's, what's so funny. Like a perfect callback for this episode. And you had, you had to go take the, the, the COVID test. Yeah. And like a week before you had to go do that, I had a, like a birthday party, very small birthday gathering with, with two couple friends of mine and it was a birthday. So they, they made a birthday party, very small birthday gathering with two couple friends of mine. And it was a birthday, so they made a birthday cake.

And I literally made a comment about, should I be blowing out the candles? And this is the world weeks ago. So I was like, yeah, okay, I'll blow it out. I then had to text my friends of, hey, my buddy's getting COVID tests. And the first response from my friend was, oh, dear God, the birthday cake. Because everybody ate it. And if I had it, my germs were all over that birthday cake.

Are you telling me that when you blow birthday cake candles, that you're spitting on it? 1,000%. That is what I'm talking about. I mean, if you think about it, you that you're spitting on it. 1,000%. That is what I'm talking about. If you think about it, you are. It's usually children blowing on this. It's normally multiple blows, unless you're a pro, unless you're a professional.

That was actually on my short list, Mike. It was. I'm going to close it out with something hyper disgusting, which is dirty gym equipment. Poop's poop. Dirty gym equipment. If you have to go use a machine that is covered in the sweat of another human being,

that is an offense punishable by death. I mean, if you can catch that person, they should be instantly forced to spend 10 years in prison or 20 years in a coma that is a just disgusting i mean oh it's funny because when you said dirty gym equipment when i immediately sweaty gym was my dirty gym clothes after i've changed and they sit in that bag oh yeah there you could ring them out i mean mean, that would stop my fertilizer test in its tracks in my gym bag,

mushrooms in my gym bag. Yeah, that's right. The next time you look in there, there is a whole ecosystem. Oh, this has been a disgusting and

wonderful draft porta potty, dirty hotel sheets, stagnant pond water, dirty gym equipment. Mike has money, phones, doorknobs,

and a blowing out the birthday cake. Jason has poop, shopping carts, carpeted bathroom, and airports. Well, look,

one way or another, we're giving you things to avoid here, right? We're trying to keep you safe by way of drafting these things away from you. Don't even bother with them.

Don't touch them. Don't touch them. All right. What did we learn today? I learned that it was possible to rip the crotch off of your underpants. I didn't think that that was something that a person could do without tools.

I learned that dog beats cow, cow beats cop, cow cow beats dog oh man i learned so many things today i learned that you know to keep coma patients safe they might roll them down the hallways but in truth i learned that mike is a mouth breather we've worked together for better part of a decade i did not know you were a mouth i hide it well yeah yeah there's a whole community of them out there that they meet up we have support groups you're right yeah uh by the way it's really loud do you have any honorable mentions on the unsanitary things al anything that you were i had dirty utensils from a restaurant still written remote controls and purses yeah gas pump gas pump, handles, and shoes. Yeah.

Yeah, I had handrails, but that goes along with doorknobs. But you guys got a good list there. Yeah, thank you. Thank you, Al. I agree. You just come up with other bodily fluids. Vomit. Public bathroom floor.

Jason just names actual things. Viruses, bacteria, super unsanitary. Bacteria is very unsanitary. Take care, everyone. Thank you for tuning in. Check out jointhespit.com. We'll see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other

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