Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 93: Trickle Down Soaponomics & Things To Replace Your Hands

Episode Date: April 6, 2020

On today’s show, we are taking you back to school and solving a marital dispute all in one short lecture on trickle down soaponomics. We also discuss eating cereal with water, being the first (or last) person in space, and having a puffer fish-like defensive mechanism. Also, Jason gives us another 60 second explanation about a random topic. We wrap up with an absolutely ridiculous draft of ‘Things to Replace Your Hands’. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

All right, I know you expected the show to start already. It's going to start momentarily. There will be a spectacular scat that is coming your way. I thought DMX was here the way you came in. But listen, before the show starts, I just wanted to say, head over to spitballerspod.com, click the Become a Spitwad button. That's how you become a supporter of the show. That's how you get access to the show early.

That's how you check out the spit tank where you can submit questions, would-you-rather questions, great questions, whatever, draft ideas. We turn to the Spitwads first. Head over to SpitballersPod.com, click the Become a Spitwad button, and now we can start the show. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What happens when three buffoons give life advice explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve it's the spitballers podcast with andy mike and

jason Han Solo A Shaq Greedo McClunky What was the middle part? What was it? After Han Solo and before McClunky Shaq Greedo, man That's from my Star Wars nerds Oh, well, I mean I'm going to be honest with the spitwads out there We're recording remotely

In this tumultuous time In our country and world So when we hear the music Oh yeah out there we're recording remotely in this tumultuous time in our country and world so when we hear the music oh yeah it's a little bit like jason and i get the scat a little bit on delay now you out there through the magic of al borland uh you get it all on time but it sounded like crap dog it sounded like crap you were way off on your timing there. Yeah. All right. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast.

Jason Moore, Mike Wright, Andy Holloway back with you. Episode 93 of the show. Oh, wow. I know. We're getting close to a hundo? We got to do something special for that owl. We're within at least. We're getting close.

I mean, I don't know what we're going to do. It's almost like a best of or highlights video should probably appear. So what were the odds that we'd get to 100 when we started? Oh, 1 in 10. 0.3? Okay. So we've accomplished something is what you're saying. Now, in fairness'm i'm still not

i don't know what the odds are that we get to 100 that's seven yes that's right now seven weeks away you can follow what's going on with the show on twitter at spitballers pod instagram.com slash spitballers pod and spitballers pod.com is the website where you can find out how to support the show, get a few special perks. We always need ideas for drafts and would you rather questions, and we turn to the Spittwads first for those sweet, sweet ideas. Oh, so sweet. We've got would you rather on the show today. Going to do some Jason Explains. Going to have Al Borland spin the wheel.

Al, how are you doing? Living my best life. How are you doing, Andy? I'm doing spectacularly. Someone's good in the quarantine. Someone is not. We've got a great draft. We have the most ridiculous,

important draft. This is the weirdest draft. I came in as soon as we got connected i'm like what in the world are we doing you hadn't seen it you hadn't seen it before that i had seen it but i still didn't know like what i could possibly draft so this should be a lot of fun there are times i mean i'm walking around the house and i just it just popped into my head this draft idea and you know pure utter genius genius is what Jason's trying to say. It's true.

But let's go ahead and kick this thing off. Would you rather? Dave from the website asks this very important question. He says, would you rather have the ability to camouflage like a chameleon or have the ability to expand like a blowfish for defensive purposes? So you can just blowfish out, which for some reason,

the first thing I think about in my head of why or when I could ever need a capability like that would be if i like end up in a bad neighborhood or down an alleyway and some and some ruffians come up to me and they really give me the business and then poof and then poof you're naked that's what i think about what that's true because your clothes get popped off? Can we at least have like Incredible Hulk rules? Oh, for the clothing? Like you've got shorts on that stretch infinitely.

It doesn't matter what you're wearing. Somehow you just end up in purple shorts. That's fair because I was going to say the only useful application here is getting into the shower. Like I need to get in quick. Boom, I'm ready. Otherwise, all your clothes rip off and whoops yes you're safe in that neighborhood because everyone is running away would that have some benefit to like i mean we're all stuck at home naked man in the corner well you got spikes though don't you i mean

you're a puffer fish or do you just expand i mean a puffer fish has spikes so when it expands it looks terrible so we would just we don't naturally have them that doesn't feel like defense that just feels like going i think you have you have to have spikes in this situation otherwise you're just doing what i'm doing slower which is just expanding through this uh you know quarantine COVID-19, as they say. Yeah, COVID-99. Oh, no. Well, to bring it back, I mean, camouflage would benefit you in defense as well.

But to the camouflage. In the alleyway with the ruffians do any of us really know the actual like factual camouflage capabilities of of the chameleon because we're we're all used to cartoons where a chameleon can go onto anything like they go onto a brick wall and like oh i'm a brick wall now like what are the limitations of the chameleons as opposed to like invisibility yeah you're not gonna be invisible also we got another cartoon leads us to believe that they can basically go invisible against any pattern but what can they actually do and and we have another clothes problem here because i mean if you're not pre-naked, there's just shorts and shirt up against that wall. It's like, dude, I can see you.

You're not fooling anybody. That's when the gang rolls up and says, punch those shorts over there. Kick him in the shorts. Oh, no. I can still take his wallet out of his shorts. I mean, I don't think the camouflage is going to be as good as you think. You know what I mean? It's true.

But it could still be better than being a blowfish. Not if I got the spikes. The spikes matter. The spikes matter a lot. Even without spikes. I feel like if you could just rapidly expand. Well, number one, the problem is the puffer fish actually inhales water. So I guess we're just accepting that we go air yes that will

okay so if you can actually do that like i think the applications aside from the clothing malfunction problems like there are so many places in life where this is going to be handy which one is a better parlor trick though like let Let's just take out functionality. The puffer fish. You think so? If you can instantly become a gigantic puffer fish, that's a pretty good trick. You don't think it's a good trick? But only one of these can get... No, like making your face and your arms go away,

that's a pretty decent trick. But if you can expand your entire body, I mean, multiple times and just'll just go. I think that would be an excellent trick. Only one of these lets me get all of the restocked grocery items first. Because I could hang out overnight while they're stocking up right now as the chameleon. That's true. And then bingo, bingo, bongo, I've got some toilet paper. And the other one, you have to buy a lot of spandex.

Yeah. So I choose neither. Why does a lot of spandex yeah so i choose neither why does jason only wear spandex uh well the reason you know this has nothing to do with this question right you're just saying i'm just saying in general i have switched i have switched to spandex and this is for my rapidly expanding body to make sure that you wear x x yes expand very nice that's something boom expand x uh yeah i'm gonna have to look into that that's gotta exist right this clothes will fit no matter what you're i mean there are there are bed sheet possibilities for wardrobe that can be used at some point i i'm gonna take the puffer fish here and i okay and i get the spikes i get the spikes i like this um i think that would be cool i think i could use it not only

in defensive but in offensive maneuvering if i run at someone and they're not afraid they don't know a giant ball of spikes is about to come yeah jason imagine you playing basketball and you have the puffer fish ability. Yeah, back down. Put me on the post. Put him on the post. That's right. All right, we're all going puffer fish. Al, would you go puffer fish?

I would, yeah. Okay, good, good. Ed from Patreon, would you rather eat cereal without milk for the rest of your life or eat pancakes and waffles without syrup? Oh. That's a terrible question, that's mean i mean those both really really really suck do you guys have any other way that you eat a pancake or waffle yeah i could eat it with just butter you guys know that already yeah that's true that's true

when andy says just butter I don't mean just butter. Imagine you went to the grocery store. You bought a block of butter. That's one of his pancakes. Put it this way. That one, he just wraps it up like a moon waffle. If you were to take what you usually do with syrup and then you do that with butter, to take what you usually do with syrup and then you do that with butter just you know some some not all the way melted not not completely liquefied but but you know just pretty much uh

like a magma textured butter he just pours that over let me let me check on that for you yes that is correct yes now okay can we bring the powdered sugar? Because French toast is very often a powdered sugar utensil. It's a way I could put powdered sugar in my mouth. Basically, I'm saying like- Oh, I see what you're saying. The actual French toast is a tool for powdered sugar eating. It's a vehicle for me to eat powdered sugar. Now, are you guys French toast powdered sugar, or are you French toast syrup?

Powdered sugar is outstanding. Although, funny story, my wife just made a bunch of key lime cookies covered in powdered sugar, and every single time she tries to eat one, she coughs because she inhales the powdered sugar. Because she doesn't time the breath right. She doesn't time the breath right.

It's one of her greatest weaknesses. You have to exhale, take the bite. That's right. So, I mean, there's risks with powdered sugar. That's true. Now, Mike, you asked this, doesn't time the breath you have to exhale take the bite that's right yeah that's right i mean there's risks with powdered sugar that's true now mike you ask this like there are two camps of people those who use powdered sugar or those that use syrup but i use powdered sugar and then i put syrup on okay well i only ask because my wife does not do the powdered sugar in the slightest so i have to assume that she's not the only one i know that she's sort of like a mutant for not using you like her and whatnot look it was it was

one of those things i had to overcome before the found out after marriage this was after yeah yeah i mean no man's not eligible for powder sugar i ran out time. I couldn't call it off. I can eat French toast without powdered sugar, but why would I? I mean, I'm out of powdered sugar. That's why. It's like we don't have any. Cereal without milk is awful, and I love cereal. I would rather eat the pancakes and waffles

with some powdered sugar or an ungodly amount of butter. I don't eat pancakes that often. I just really don't. But like waffles, we have those in our house pretty much at all times, some Eggos. And the best way to eat a waffle, and we do this in our house, is not syrup.

Hold on. It's on brand, man. It's the churrofication of the waffle. Cinnamon and sugar? You put butter and cinnamon and sugar on that thing. Really? Because a waffle can be crisp. It's not soggy like a pancake.

That is correct. The computer is very active today. Give me my milk with my cereal, and I will churro waffle all day, every day. Yeah, I feel like there's ways to eat the pancakes and waffles and the cereal without milk is just like it's a it's a it's a snack for toddlers there are people out there if we can call them people that when they are out of milk they will use water wait no that's a thing no that's a thing and if you're listening right now and you're like yeah no why didn't anybody bring this up hold on you're the problem you let me check on that one let me check on that yeah that's what you deserve hold on jason you you know someone i remember growing up

i remember has done the water on cereal maybe this is like so old from times when you know is that skim milk you're talking about skim milk yeah no because that's water well i mean if you think that's water then you should be fine doing it but i remember times where it's like i think even my own mother was like we're oh we're out of milk it's like just use water and i was a kid and i'm like, no. Did you call Child Protective Services? Geneva Convention stuff. I mean, that's terrible. I would never do that.

But is it really that crazy? It sounds insane to me. No, get out of here. Look, I'll settle for an emergency. I've had the emergency almond milk cereal situation, and it's not a good situation. But water is abhorrent, and I will not stand for it.

Okay. I mean, somewhat similar, yet a little bit out of bounds here. I have had to do the mac and cheese without water i've had i've had to do that with water because the the noodles were boiling i went to go get the milk and oh uh-oh the milk is gone i literally have no choice so i had to go with the water how they're not as good but i mean it's still got the job done so maybe so maybe my visceral reaction here is an overreaction. Yeah, that's what I'm wondering. It sounds like a monstrous thing, but the difference is not that.

It's just a little flavor. Of the three of us, there is only one that can really actually do it and probably film themselves doing it for the entertainment of others and that's jason and it's jace it's jason you have a responsibility in these times of need for the people that's right to record yourself eating water in serious spit wads especially because you know people that do that so you you're the most in tuned with that genre. All right, spit wads. I will do it.

I will do it. I will film it. I will put it up. Thank you. Oh my gosh. What a terrible world. I will become the monster. Now, if I had to guess, water would make it soggier so much faster than milk.

It seems that way for sure. I mean, maybe you need really cold water i don't know i'm not the one going to do this look to catch a serial killer you have to think like a serial killer also mike may i just take this moment to say i hate you because that was a terrible idea but i totally realize i'm on the hook for that now. So I will... I'm the food guy. I will film that. It's me, Jason Moore.

That's right. And I will put that up. All right. We all made the right choice there once again. Shiloh from Twitter, would you rather be the first person launched into space or the last? Jeremy, do you want to go ahead and clarify this one for us?

Yeah. So you're either the first person, meaning the uncertainty of, like, is this going to succeed, or you're the last person on Earth to take spaceflight, which you're missing out once it's been perfected. The most recent. Or the final. The final. We're going last is final. final like the final we're going last is final now are we going it's final because uh the the human beings we have had to leave earth and so you're the last one no i don't think i'm thinking

like recreational space flight give me the last one that gets to do it and everybody else okay okay well hold on are you the last one because you explode in space and they have to stop space travel? I think if that's the case, this is a very easy question. Would you rather explode in space or live? To be in outer space, or would you rather die horrifically in the vacuum of cold death? I think it's just a battle between uncertainty and FOMO. I would not handle being the first anything on the way to space knowing the risks.

I mean, you'd be like 50-50. Okay, well, I guess here's the problem. Here's the problem because the moon landing was such a big thing. Who was the first person into space? Oh, man. So you're bringing up a great point here because what i was gonna say what i was gonna say is who was the second person that landed on the moon because you don't know that's i don't know what are you talking about it's buzz second

versus buzz who's the third who's the seventh i don't know the third i know the first and the second how many people have landed nobody cares it was the first and that's eddie ernie billy bobby sammy david but the the reality is mike you're bringing up the truth we've already there has there has been a first person in space and we don't know who it is well here's the problem maybe this is an american history thing i'm pretty sure that russia beat us into space i'm googling right now this is this is this is educational yeah i mean it looks like yuri akinsigavli i told you man it was a cosmonaut we did not win the first person into space that's why getting to the moon was so important do you know how popular yuri kazmikhanov is in russia well that's what i want to know he's a legend

is he the neil armstrong of the soviet union you know it's like are there non-existent soviet union um yeah give me the lower risk i don't i could not really enjoy i mean i know and realize that if you do blow up in space it's not a long process like of all the ways to sure suddenly go i imagine space explosions fine okay i'll bring up the name alan shepherd we know that name i do not know that oh okay i know that name yes that's he's the first American to get into space. So, yeah, I know his name, but he's not front of mind like Neil Armstrong. And that sucks for Alan Shepard. And what Alan Shepard did, he's the first American in space.

I mean, that's way riskier. It's very risky. Yeah, I mean, I think the real issue here the real problem is yuri uh yuri has is you know yuri al-qaeda gargaren sneaky russians man they get you they get you they stole the the value of it to us so i i think had it been an american we would know the name and so i'm taking the first person i'm taking the i want i want that glory how long did the first person how long did yuri live uh did he live yeah do you live like a long and healthy life after being the first person what do you think you got like a space disease like this is a problem uh it looks like

he did not have a super long life born in 1934 uh passed in 1968 so 34 years so that's not he might have died in space there is a good chance that man died in space i have cannot confirm or deny can't google because i can't spell it um so that's what i wanted to know if the impact of this it was an aviation incident oh goodness this is what i'm saying it's would you rather be like known on some like you know 100 years from now some spitballers podcast comes out and you were the first man in space and you live to be 40 or you know you just come in once the uh the safety is there you're gonna be i'm gonna go last yuri is right now getting his 15 minutes of fame in in States. This is his. He had more.

No, he 100% had more than 15. Okay, if I say the word Sputnik, you know what that is. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Back in the 60s, this was a big deal. I'm officially voting last. You guys vote because Jason needs to.

Let me ask you guys this question then, because I think it leads into another uh conversation the conversation of legacy is legacy like because back in the day it it feels like when i'm learning about history and like the way that people thought about legacy that was a really big deal. It was, okay, when I'm gone, what will people remember about me? Like people now, do we really care that much about legacy? We care about our children and their children. Right, but that's not a legacy. That's not historical textbooks are going to look back at what I did.

That's my family lineage will keep going so it's just yeah you're right thing you're right because we're more it used to be really really important yeah you're right that being said i'm i'm going william wallace here every every man dies not every man truly lives but. But William Wallace has a massive legacy. Exactly. And I will be dead with Yuri in outer space. Okay. I'm taking the first. All right.

It's been a little while, but it's time for some Jason Explains. Jason Explains in 60 seconds. And Al's going to spin the wheel for us remotely and find out what you're explaining to us, Jason. So prepare yourself. Here we go. Please be basketball. All right, Jason, you have 60 seconds to explain horses. Oh, that's easy.

Okay, so horses are this creature that was put on Earth for people to ride. Horses have four legs, and if you love horses, you are called an equestrian. Now, horse meat is illegal in most countries, but not all countries. If you're in certain European countries, you can eat this delicious, high-protein, low-fat meat. In the United States, it is unfortunately illegal to eat horse meat. You can't even ship it here no matter how hard you try. And, you know, people also have made a lot of money off of racing these majestic animals. And that and you can if you if you breed horses, you will be associated with the mob in short order so that you can make them money on horse betting.

Interesting. And that is everything that you or anyone needs to know about horses. Didn't you buy some horse meat a long time ago? I was unsuccessful. You tried. You tried to buy some horse meat a long time ago i was i mean i was unsuccessful i i you tried oh i tried to buy some okay here's here's you put that you put that out there i remember long i mean long ago i remember we were sitting in a room and somehow this discussion just opened up, and it was Jason was trying to find healthy, low-fat, high-protein meat, and somehow horses came up. Well, this is when I used to train a little bit of MMA, and I would train jiu-jitsu. Of course.

All the Brazilian jiu-jitsu people I know, they're looking for horse meat. So Alistair Overeem, famous UFC fighter. That's their main course. So if you look at Alistair Overeem and you look at him through the years, he did what we call a Barry Bonds. He changed from one. So his head grew three sizes? His whole body grew three sizes.

That's called HGH, bro. That's not horses. It's 100% steroids. It has to be. There's no way it's not. Horses, guinea pigs, horses, HGH, bro. It's 100% steroids. It has to be. There's no way it's not. Horses, guinea pig horses, HGH. His excuse was that it was horse meat. The guinea pig face.

Because he was from the other side of the planet, and he said that it was because he started a normal diet of horse meat. Horse grown harman. Dude, you should look at him. He's a monster. I was like, I've got to get me some horse meat. so i was like i gotta get me dude you should look at him he's a monster i was like i've got to get me some horse meat and here's what's crazy like there's there's people listening right now very upset right very very upset because eating a horse is a terrible thing eating a cow is totally that's totally cool well they're dumb i mean but because they don't race they just get eaten. Oh, cow races?

That would be awesome. I was going to say horses are shaped perfectly to be ridden, but so are cows. Yes, exactly. You should be able to race a cow. Cows are slow. Yeah, that is the issue. How do we know?

We've been growing them to be eaten. We haven't been breeding them for racing. We've been breeding them for eating. Have we tried training cows for for how fat would horses be if they were bred for eating they would they would be a they would are we sure that cows and horses are different animals or were they just at one point the same animal and we just did two different things with them. And so it's like, that's the breeding. You get the Slim Fast and you get the HGH. Can you milk a horse? We don't have a horse.

We have a bull. Okay, we found out that they're not the same. You can't milk a horse. Okay, there it is. There's the science. I am the horse, Greg. We figured out the difference between a cow and a horse. We did.

Milk and horse. No, no, no. We skipped over my point. If you go back, if you check the tape, Jason called it delicious. He called it delicious. Yeah, we need to investigate that. I've heard tale. You've heard tale.

Actually, it's supposed to not be as delicious. All right, we're moving. It's very gamey. Oh, my goodness. That's a great question. How do we even move on from there? Jared. I hope the show's not over.

Jared on Patreon. No, we still have the world's greatest draft, Mike, coming up. Oh, gosh. You must smell... Here's this great question for us. You must smell like a food of your choice for the rest of your life. No, we still have the world's greatest draft, Mike, coming up. Here's this great question for us. You must smell like a food of your choice for the rest of your life. What food do you choose? This doesn't seem difficult.

No, this is very easy for me. This is very difficult. Really? Oh, my goodness. I guess there are different good options. That's how I feel. Nothing smells better than bacon. But do you want to smell like bacon? No, no, no, no.

You already smell like bacon. I mean, you eat enough, you become what you eat. I feel like bread is something that no matter what point of your life or how you're feeling... Jason's face right now, he thought about

smelling bread and his face went to a new place. Yeah, because you're like, I'm full. Oh, bread still smells good. Sometimes when you're full, like bacon, you're like, ah, I don't want to smell that right now. But bread, at all points, when you're tired, when you're going to bed, you're full, you're hungry, bread always smells great. You know what's funny is i don't

think of bread i don't think it gets enough respect from me for its aroma oh because it is unbelievable but i would never have thought of bread i mean you walk in a bakery and it's like hot dang i want to live here so okay andy now you you said it seemed like it was easy for you too did you have something to compete with bread? No, bread's a great answer. And ever since this whole quarantine started, my wife has made a loaf of sourdough every single day. So my house basically smells permanently like bread. I'm on my way.

Yeah. At first, I was thinking desserts was the answer. So I thought like chocolate or even smelling like coffee. Who doesn't like that smell? Okay, okay, coffee. But bread is such a not, it's not overwhelming. And that is a very nice feature of bread smell. Coffee is very polarizing though.

Yes. Because there was, I'm- Which means I'll get rid of some dumb people. Well, I'm a newer coffee drinker in the terms of like my my adult life i mean i've i've probably only been drinking coffee for five years and i'm a middle-aged man like so it most of my adult life i was not drinking coffee and in that time i couldn't even go into a starbucks because it was it was repulsive. I didn't like coffee. I wanted nothing to do with it.

The stench made me nauseous. I don't know what my wife is cooking downstairs right now, but this conversation, guys, this is a problem over here. We might have to stop this show. It's good. Whatever she's making is good. Do you want to smell like it for the rest of your life? We have never. I mean, oh, I got to text her immediately. It's good. Whatever she's making is good. Do you want to smell like it for the rest of your life? I have...

We have never... I mean, oh, I got to text her immediately. This is weird to be at home and smell this. Yes, the people need to know. Yeah, I need to know what other conchender is in the... Jason, what did you eat for lunch? I haven't had lunch, and so this is smelling too good, my man. Wait, no.

Hold on. Horses. You had a horse. For the people at home, I mean mean it's almost 3 p.m local time as we record this you haven't had lunch i know what's up with that this is very off brand but i went on a podcast for uh some people from the other side of the planet had a podcast a special 200th episode and they invited me on and And so scheduling wise, getting the time zones to click. I just I happened to not eat yet. And now whatever scent she's made, I can't wait for her.

It's just chicken broth. I don't know what it is, but either I'm starving or it's a great scent. I was going to throw vanilla out there for. Oh, that was great. Who doesn't want to smell like vanilla? Like that's already a perfume. People choose to smell like vanilla or light candles to smell like vanilla. What about lemons?

Like lemon clean. Oh, like a citrusy kind of? Yeah, I mean, because lemon. As long as it's a subtle citrus. And it smells clean. You always will smell clean. That's true. Do either of these answers, vanilla or lemon, fit the question?

Because it was like food. I'm not just drinking vanilla and I'm not eating a lemon. Yeah, that's a fair point. It's an ingredient. So if you chose a main course, what if you chose a main food course to smell like for the rest of your life? Like a meatloaf. Smelling good.

Well, I mean, if you're going that way, then I feel like you got to go with pizza. But the reason i went with bread i don't want to smell like pizza forever oh pizza smells good come on that's just bread you know it smells like bread it smells like bread but there's all it smells like pizza it's different because of the cheese and the tomatoes okay the seasonings. Yeah. What about soup? You want to smell like soup? No. No one wants to smell like soup.

Onions? You want to smell like onions? I smell like onions right now. That's legit. My answer is whatever is being cooked downstairs. And I will find out by the end of this episode what I smell like for the rest of my life. Andrew from the website. When taking a shower,

is there a correct way to wash your body and your hair? My wife is convinced that you must wash your hair first so you aren't rinsing your dirty hair onto a clean body, but I always want to wait and wash my hair at the end of the shower. Does it matter? Is someone right in this debate? Andrew, I hope you understand someone is always right.

That's the important thing. There's never room thing. Yes. There's never room for two opinions. And that's not with this. That's just life. America. There's one right way and that's it. But in this situation, like all situations, there is a

right and a wrong. And I think we have to all be in agreement, right? Because we're all wise. We're three wise men. It's hair first. It's hair first. Has to be hair first. It has to be hair first.

I don't always adhere to it, though. Sometimes I'm a little frivolous. But here's what I will say. I will phrase it as a question. Gentlemen, how often do you wash your hair? Do you guys every time? Every day. If I take more than one shower in one day, I will not wash my hair both times.

If it's one shower a day, which is normal, then I wash it every day. If I were to take three showers in a day, I would wash my hair three times. It's the first thing. Do you do the same amount of shampoo no matter what? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I mean, I'm just, I've got, you know, once I'm in there for about.

Equal opportunity dirty. Yeah. Once I'm in there for about 28 minutes in the water, then it's time to wash hair. And then after that, wash body. I mean, it's just like everybody's shower. 28 minutes in. No, false. I wash my hair like once every never.

Wait, you never wash your hair? Because it's bad for your hair. Not never. It's bad for the oils of your hair, right? Washing your hair every day is actually bad for the oils of your hair. That's what I've heard. Is this why I'm losing my hair? You've been ripping it out.

The hygiene is too good. I highly doubt that's the reason why you're so bald. But no, I only wash my hair probably once a week. The logic for washing your hair first is there. I mean, it makes sense. I mean, yes. When I wash my hair, it's first. It's first, and then the soap goes down. sense. When I wash my hair, it's first.

And then the soap goes down. Trickle down soaponomics, right? Yeah, trickle down soaponomics. This is classic. Andrew, your wife is right. If you were to Windex a mirror, if you were to Windex a mirror, if you start at the bottom and then you wash

up at the end, there's a problem. What you washed first now has a bunch of dripping streaks through it. Yeah, that's trickle down windonomics. Obviously. Exactly. Okay. One more great question before we draft. Rylan from Twitter.

Okay. You got the food? I've got the dots. What do you want to smell like the rest of your life? I want to smell like taco meat. Oh yeah, baby. Oh yeah.

Yes, Mike, come over to this house and you will be like, I want to smell this for the rest of my life. Skip lunch and then go to his house. Here's the craziest part. There was a fear. I had a fear that she would say nothing i just smell like taco meat you're because you have a mirage hallucination of smells well the problem is like lunch taco meat smells good but i would be remiss if i wasn't being honest and saying i think people can

smell like taco meats like it it's it's a it's a close relative to body scent you are you're right taco meat depending on your the state of consciousness it's either fantastic or it's terrible well i hope right now it's good right now it's fantastic uh you're so hungry you could eat a horse i mean well said rylan from twitter what are some things that only exist because of people's stupidity that's funny because there are so many things that we have to invent and create because people are dumb right oh man to protect us from ourselves for instance that would be like what medicine uh bottles i mean we can't what i guess those are for kids yeah those are for kids there's a reason for that i mean you can hide it all you want but kids kids will do what kids do like the first

thing that popped into my head and this is like full on one of those like 1940s like weird inventions they had an invention and it was targeted at people who eat grapefruit for breakfast and it was like a shield that came down and covered most of your face because the grapefruit apparently was squirting into people's eyes and this was such a problem that they had to invent a device to stop people from getting the citrus spray right in the eyeball? They couldn't figure that out? Well, that's, yeah, I mean, that's at the far end of the stupid spectrum. Yes. I always think about these type of questions in relation to like,

look, if there weren't stupid people that stole things from each other all the time, all of the inventions that we have for like, you know, door locks or keys or all of that stuff wouldn't have to exist because people wouldn't steal each other's stuff. It's just we... Okay, that's a different layer. It's a different layer, but we presuppose all the time

that like somebody's going to take something from you. So we have to invent all these things to stop it. That's true. That's true. How about not so much a thing but a company all the companies that get you out of timeshares you know there's uh you always hear these all the predatory lawyers yeah all these like get you let me get you out of the mistakes you made title loans yeah exactly how can i get you out of your eyes yeah yeah yeah

lawyers lawyers exist because of people's stupidity there are whole industries now like is there any other line of work that exists because they specifically created a language that regular people don't understand. Because it's called legalese for a reason. Because they're like, well, we're so super smart. We have to make up all these words that people can't possibly understand. You need to hire us to read it. You need to hire us to write it. That's a really good gig.

I mean, the first lawyer who created the position was very smart. Yes. Maybe lawyers didn't get created for that. Maybe we all were smart enough a long time ago to read it all, and then most of us got dumb and only the lawyers stayed smart. Oh, man, that's a great point.

That's possible. Jerry Springer shows up and we all get real dumb. Yeah, it's his fault. All right, you guys want to draft? Not really, but let's do it. The Spitballers Draft. We are a sophisticated show. We bring you sophisticated opinions, answers, problem solving,

all of these type of things. And then we end the show with a draft. And these drafts are always very important, sophisticated questions, practical, things that you might run into at some point in your life, which I think this is, possibly that. We are drafting, and Mike has the first pick, we are drafting things to replace your hands with so if you're in that position where you have to replace your hand with an object which i mean look pirates pirates have been in that boat literally

oh and uh so we're drafting no look these could Look, these could be practical. These could be entertaining. These could be for self-defense. These could be whatever. I don't know where Mike's going to go. This is going to be so stupid. We don't know where any of this is going. In fact, this may be one of the craziest drafts we have ever.

Did you say balloons? Dude, that's such a good idea. So you can fly? I don't know that that would help. But like, you guys ever seen that lizard video? It was like Mr. Balloon Hands. No? That's drinking out of cups.

Yeah, there you go. So, all right, Mike, you got first pick in this. I have no idea. I have no idea. I've got the second pick and I'm already out of stuff. All right, I have to ask this question because this draft isn't crazy enough. Are we talking about things that are 100% real, or we're just drafting whatever to replace your hands with?

I think it has to be real. As in, you couldn't draft a never-ending sandwich. Okay. Because then I would draft a never-ending sandwich. A never-ending sandwich. You have to go to a doctor, and you have to be able to say, Doctor, replace my hand with this, please.

Okay. All right. Is that fair? Yes, 100%. And I wanted to clarify that because I was going to draft lightsabers. Okay. That's awesome.

Because, look, we all want weapons. I will accept that. We all want weapons. But if you're like, I draft swords, there is a very large problem if your hands are just swords. I would let you have a lightsaber. I will. Absolutely. That's a great idea.

This is a functional lightsaber? That is a functional real lightsaber. I will. Absolutely. That's a great idea. This is a functional lightsaber? That is a functional real lightsaber. You get it. All right, great. Then I take lightsaber. If it's allowed, I'm taking lightsaber. Because you can turn it off. I will not allow Al Borland.

Al Borland just wrote lightsaber down, and he wrote L-I-G-H-T space S-A-B-R-E-S. Oh, man. This is like his Hans Solo. And then he thinks he corrected it. It all comes back to Star Wars. So, to the whole entire point of this pick, number one, I mean, we all want to have a lightsaber. Now I have two, but if I have swords,

there's a huge risk factor if I fall down that I'm now dead because i fell on my own i've always thought that lightsaber use was far more dangerous than it's been made out to be in the movies because if you just get anything close to that you are severing it you're in risky business mister you accidentally 100 but i can go on and off i can go on and off and like you got a steak that's undercooked don't worry about it you got a tea that needs warming up don't worry about you got a wall that needs a door don't worry about it all that needs to come down yeah i mean here's the thing you're like oh you want a steak that's cooked you're not cooking the steak you're

destroying you're cutting a steak you. You're destroying the steak. You're cutting a steak in half. You think you're cutting the steak in half. That steak. I'm not talking about touching it. Wait. I don't know. Is a lightsaber hot?

I assume it's hot. You're going to need that to cook the steak. Now, this was clearly planned out because you started with the Star Wars scat, and now you're going one-on-one lightsabers. How dare you? All right. Look, I feel like I've got a better option here, Mike. That might not be as cool.

You definitely have the cool factor. Sure. And this takes playing the lightsaber, the beat saber. Oh, beat saber? You just do that in real life to the next level. But you've got problems that I don't have with my gun hands. My gun hands, they can protect. They can go further distance.

Sure. I'm not going to accidentally rip a hole through a counter. What kind of gun you got here, Jay? That's a great question. I'm going to go How is it not a spear based on your history? Oh, hold on. Let me add to my list

here. Hold on. You could have had spear hands. You're going to see where I'm going. Alright, Jason. What kind of guns do you have? I'm going to give Colt.45s. Alright, how many bullets does a Colt.45 hold? I'm going to give Colt 45s. All right. How many bullets does a Colt 45 hold? I'm going to go machine gun with a banana clip. I can reload that Colt 45 with my mouth.

Look, I didn't necessarily think both your hands have to become these objects. Oh, yeah. Both your hands are the object. Both of them? That's a rule. It's replace your hands have to become these objects. Oh, both. Yeah, both your hands are the object. Both of them? That's a rule. It's replace your hands. Isn't a Colt 45 a revolver? I don't know. Okay, so you have six bullets. But I can reload

that with my mouth. No, you cannot! Maybe your feet. Maybe your feet. Jeremy, you're the gunman around here. Could I not drop bullets into a revolver from my mouth? Yeah, you could. But getting it open is going to be the hard part.

It's my hand. My hand is. I can open it. He has access. Then, yeah, you'd be fine. That's like saying I can't pull the trigger because you don't have a hand. You don't have a finger. I thought that when we were drafting these,

you'd be mixing and matching one on one hand, one on the other hand for practical value. Ketchup on my left, mustard on my right. I'm prepped. That's what I mean. This is symmetrical. So now I have both my hands have to be this object. Well, look, I mean, if you want to go catch a mustard,

that's fine. If you want to be the hot dog guy, if you've got something specific, you can throw it out there. Mike threw lightsabers out. This is a unique one. let me be honest. I'm not following your little train of thought with,

I'm going to go defense first with lightsabers and guns. Look, ice cream dispenser was at the top of my list. I was going to go some soft serve, man. I could get that anytime i want okay okay but i don't know if i don't know if i need two two soft serve vanilla and chocolate you know yes that's perfect so you got soft serve oh that is really good okay i'm gonna go yeah i'm

gonna go soft serve and then because that exists, that's like my infinite sandwich. It is. But that's a thing. I mean, I might have to get reloaded every once in a while. I don't know how you do that. You have infinite ice cream. Okay. So obviously we don't need to battle.

Let's put it that way. Sure. I'll have to bribe you. Mike and I will be winning that battle. But now I think I want bribe you. Mike and I will be winning that battle. But now, I think... Eat the ice cream off your cold, dead body. I think I want helicopter propellers. Ooh.

I think I want to fly around. All right. Like almost an inspector gadget. Were you inspired by the balloons? A hundred percent. Dang it, I shouldn't have said that. I just feel like I get a lot more control with propellers. My first two things I was going to draft were hopefully guns,

and I'm on the clock, right? Yes, you're on. And wings. Hold on, hold on. Jason. These are on the tips of your hands. This is hands only. I realize it, and that's hysterical to me.

All right, but I'm not going to do that now because he's already got flight with the helicopter propellers which is much better now also okay you're giving me a hard time about oh i got wings on the tip of my hands oh that can't make you fly his propellers aren't gonna make him fly unless they're the size of a helicopter they're pretty they're pretty big you're gonna be walking around dragging these unfathomably it's worth it to fly well hold on i'm just flying around like this with one hand in the air eating ice cream with the other.

Because, I mean, a helicopter is a metal machine. It's very heavy. If you're just a 200-pound man, how big do the blades have to be? I would say four feet. Yes, we need a scientist stat. Yeah. 22 inches. I just looked it up.

Wait, for real? No, I have no idea. Al Borland, 22 inches. I just looked it up. No. Wait, for real? No, I have no idea. Al Borland, 22 inches? There's no way. Okay, he's lying. There's no Google analyzer that says, if I'm a 200-pound man, how large do my propellers need to be? Hold on. I need to spin in a circle real quick.

All right. So I'm going the obvious. Also, you need one out your butt for stability. Right. Soft serve dispensers, helicopter, propeller hands. Jason, it's back to you. There's so many options that I'm glad I don't have to pick right now. Look, I think this is going to be practical.

I think I'm going to be able to still grab things, still use things. I'm going to get up high. I'm going to get wherever I want. I'm going to get around the corner. I'm taking tentacles i'm going okay full tentacle extensions there's other animals that don't have one wouldn't it be tentacle aren't you getting just one tentacle no no i have two you get like oh two you're saying each an octopus has eight tentacles yeah so you get two yeah yeah you'd

be really all right you'd be very scary looking i'd be scary looking but practical i think we're all very scary looking i'm so scary but you i'm giving the neighbor a helicopter we were already past gun hands but i'm giving ice cream out i've got a business i think tentacles would be scarier than gun hands yes because you would seem like no way you also really couldn't have it we've abandoned the whole doctor could put this on you thing pretty quickly right yes 100 all right just has two dead tentacles that don't move no these are these are active and living okay guns and tentacles that don't move. No, these are active and living. Okay. Guns and tentacles. That is spectacular.

Yeah. All right. Mike has to pick twice. That's terrifying. I know what my two picks are. Number one, though, I don't actually know the name of it. So we'll have to work through this. That's going to be tough. We'll have to work through this together.

The old people pick up tool things. Oh, yeah. The little claw grabber. I think it was, I've heard it called a gopher before. You've used those and you're just like, these are so great. I wish I had it with me at all times.

Well, number one, think of my reach and there is some practicality. I can still pick things up. Granted, they have to weigh less than a pound. I know that's always the issue with those things you can't pick up anything those are technically trash pickers it's a nifty nabber or a trash picker or a grabber reach a folder no grabber reach or tool for elderly oh my goodness all right

and so I feel like that's pretty practical. And speaking of practical, I want a device that can do a whole bunch of stuff. I mean, one, yes, it can protect me in certain times of need, but it can also do a whole bunch of other stuff because I'm going with Swiss Army knife. Oh, that's pretty neat. You could actually eat with that because you probably have a little fork in there. You're darn right. I have a fork. I got a spoon. I got a magnifying glass.

I got toothpicks. You got tweezers. I got everything I need. Oh, that sucks. But you don't have the hands able to open it. No, that would be pretty good. Those are his fingers, man. Yeah, those are your fingers.

That's amazing. I'm looking at my list, okay? And the next two things that i want to take are basically both inside your swiss army knife but i do want to call a little bit of attention to this your swiss army knife when you pull out i don't know if there's uh you know i think there's scissors in there right yes there are yeah but not really you ever use the swiss army knife scissors a little itty bitty. Yes. I'm not cutting a cardboard box up with my scissors.

You're cutting a piece of tape. You're cutting a piece of tape with those scissors. I have knives, Jason. All right. All right. You're back. Goodness. I'm a lucky man.

Which direction do I go? Oh, man. If you could see my list this it's a wide range taco meat do i want to go practical do i want to go shell all right look my next two things i was going to take i'm going to say them now because i'm not going to take them because of your swiss army knives i was going to go fork and spoon like you know i got, I got a fork on one hand, spoon on the other. Help me eat. But I feel like, isn't there like a little fork thing in a Swiss Army knife?

And then scissors. You know, Edward Scissorhands did it. He was fine. He was not fine. He lived a very lonely life. He got a movie out of it. I mean, that's pretty good. That's the barometer?

Yeah. Did you get a movie? You get a movie, you're doing fine. Said Charles Manson. There's a few exceptions out there. All right. Look, I'm going to go air horns. Oh, yes.

I'm going to be walking around getting that party started. Your wife is not making you any food in one day. Oh, she's making it or she's getting air horned. Oh, my gosh. You are the ultimate hype man. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm walking up in places. You got a gun in one hand, air horn in the other.

Wah, wah, wah, pop, pop, pop. That's the guy with tentacles. Yeah. All right. Well, we're going that direction. I have gone away from anything practical. All right. I've got to finish up my draft.

I have soft serve dispensers. I've got helicopter propeller hands. I am going to skip a step here. I mean, look, we're all on our phones 24-7. I'm just replacing my hand with my phone. I don't got to take it out of my pocket anymore. That's so smart. I don't got skip a step here. I mean, look, we're all on our phones 24-7. I'm just replacing my hand with my phone. I don't got to take it out of my pocket anymore. That's so smart. I don't got to hold it anymore.

It's always charged. I'm going smartphone for my hand. Oh, man. And then my final pick just came to me. And I have some other things written down that are bad because this is a tough draft. But I'm going gorilla hands. I'm swapping. I'm swapping.

I'm swapping out for some big old strong gorilla hands. I don't think you can draft hands to replace your hands with. Or I would have taken robot hands with my first pick. I do have monkey hands on my list. Are you disqualifying my hands? I will replace my hands with hands. But bigger, stronger gorilla animal hands. I'll take Shaquille O'Neal's hands, please. They're so big they could palm a basketball.

They're still hands. You can't just take hands. Dang it. I'm out. So this is the first pick that someone's passing? No, I'm not passing. Now, I will make one exception to this rule because it's also on my list. If you want to take doll hands, I will allow it.

You can go down. You just can't go up. I can't go up. Because I think you could freak some people out with doll hands. The SNL skit with the doll hands, Chris Wigg. Fine. I'll do giant axes. Oh, nice.

That's a good pick. I need to compete with you at least if you do attack me. Give me two giant axes. Well, I mean, to be fair, propeller hands are terrifying. That's true. I could cut you up. Yeah. Man, I was really banking on gorilla hands.

I would be far more scared of a person with propeller hands than a person with axe hands. Yeah, that's fair. Because one of those is already going... Like, one has a motor. The other one, you've got to swing yourself. All right, well, look. These made a bad... But every time I turn the motor on, I'm taking off.

I'm not going to be able to attack you. I'm going to go straight up in the air. What are you talking about? You're going to be able to do a. I'm going to go straight up in the air. What are you talking about? You're going to be able to do a ton of stuff. Thanks, man. Appreciate it. Aerial attack. All right, I'm done.

I can't believe these made it back to me. What? Gumball machine. But I'm going to take feet. I'm going to take feet. What? Imagine me galloping down the street on all fours, running so fast with shoes on my... That pick is so good.

Yeah, I got feet for hands. Take that. Wait, gorilla hands disqualified. Feet, fine. He doesn't mind. You should have taken gorilla feet, bro. I'm all in on feet. I should have taken gorilla feet.

Yeah, I got... Because gorilla feet. I should have taken gorilla feet. Oh, yeah. I got, so I, yeah, I got. Because gorilla feet are basically hands. I could have had gorilla feet. I'm taking feet for hands. Oh, man. Just watch me eat with my big toe holding that spoon. We've all seen the videos, man.

People, when they got to learn how to use their feet they can do crazy stuff oh my gosh so you're galloping that's such a good pick yeah i mean it should have been the one-on-one but here i get it is a great pick well i do have lightsabers that's true that's true yeah right after we established it had to be real items he picked lightsabers and we gave it that's true i've got guns tentacles air horns and feet that is my list all right all right you get to finish this spectacular draft up i'm going with and now i want to be clear with the word that i'm saying flash lights i'm going with a i'm going with flash really you need light that often you need that dude think

about think about me at night who can see where they're going this guy Andy has a cell phone he's got a flashlight on his hand I haven't had a problem seeing at night in 20 years because you have light everywhere you're going are Are you breaking our breaker boxes? I'm going out in the woods. I am 100% going out in the woods. And have you ever seen an industrial flashlight? You think I can't beat the crap out of people with a flashlight? Okay, you're going with a flashlight.

Blind people? He's got a flashlight. He's got a lightsaber. Yes, yes, yes. You had a superhero that you did invent yeah years ago called light man you think i can't be light man with my super powered hand flashlight do you remember that jason the light man i don't remember like he's basically a man that is just covered in the brightest light bulbs and whenever somebody comes at him he just boom it's i don't know that's all he did though how

it worked but somehow i was like Cactus Man. Yeah, we were inventing some. Where did this come from? This was from long ago. This was when Andy and I would go to lunch. Yeah. When we weren't talking fantasy football. I was a cactus, and I would sit there and not do anything.

And the light man would blind everybody, and they would jump into Cactus Man. That's right. This happened? You guys came up with this this is a good combo oh man the the light man would force the enemies into cactus man that's right uh lightsabers uh elderly grabbing uh what are those called pickers sw? Yep. Swiss Army Knives? Flashlights? Jason has guns, tentacles, air horns, and feet.

And I've got soft serve, helicopter, propeller hands, smartphones, and axes. Because you wouldn't give me gorilla hands. Very often we know, as soon as the draft is over, because we put the polls up, we let the people vote on what their favorite draft was, at SpitballersPod on Twitter and Instagram.

Often we know who's going to win. I have no idea what will happen with the votes on this one. Not me. It's not going to win. It's not me. It's not going to be me. I have air horns for one of mine. You have feet, bro.

Feet was a great pick. Yeah, that's a steal in the fourth round. I'm putting my money on Jason. Were there anything on... I think Mike will get it with the lightsabers. Was there anything on your guys' list that wasn't taken? I have a soda fountain. Oh, a cannon.

Oh, very nice. You see, Al Borland would tell you it's pretty hard to load a cannonball with your mouth. Yeah, I have cannons. Crab claws. Yeah, I had crab claws too. I felt like they were pretty functional. And then the last one on my very, very short list, laser pointers. You know, I had that too.

You had that too? Yeah which but it's so bad is that you can only do one very not useful thing but sometimes you need to point but when you need to point at something in it doesn't matter how far away it is i will show you where to go wow what if you had a like a tree like a tree branch, for some shade? Enjoy holding that up. That's not bad. Yeah, you would have to hold it up. I think an umbrella would probably be a better pick than tree hands.

In Arizona, I'll take shade over an umbrella. Thank you very much. What? You don't think an umbrella can give you shade? I feel dumb. That's funny. I feel dumb I polled my children on this and my middle son was emphatic that I draft

dog heads what? like a cerebus or something? basically like I have two live dogs as my hands huh I'll think about it but he insisted

he thought that was the he was he was he thought that was the best thing of all time i can't believe nobody went spear what you're talking you look in the mirror bro well i mean when i thought of feet you can't that's true it's a good that's pretty good what did we learn today nothing Nothing. Nothing at all. I learned something that Jason's over there pretending he has not eaten horse meat, yet he called it delicious. And the exact same bread. I think I learned that bread is maybe the thing I'd want to smell like forever. Yeah, I learned that you can't milk a horse.

Oh, everybody out there. all you spit wads thank you so much for tuning in today hope you enjoyed the episode stay safe stay happy we'll be with you soon goodbye thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. Can't milk a horse. Just practicing. Oh, that's smart. Just practicing for next episode. Yeah.

Because this one's already over it's finished but sometimes you got to prepare to scat for the intro and hey if you enjoyed this episode please head please head over to spitballerspod.com learn ways that you can support this show and learn ways that we can support you support us supporting you it's symbiotic it's a beautiful cycle spitballerspod.com