Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 94: Sleeping À La Mode & Toilet Paper Alternatives

Episode Date: April 13, 2020

Everyone’s favorite segment is back! Liar, Liar! Can any of the guys out smart the wise Owl? We also banter about security guards invading our personal space, bank accounts, and sleeping with the lights on. We flush this episode down the toilet with a draft of TP alternatives. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hold the phone. Hold the phone before the podcast starts. I want you to hold the phone in your hand. Just take your phone out if you're driving. Take both hands. Hold that phone tight. No, don't do that. Two hands on the wheel, please.

Two hands on the wheel, two hands on the phone. That's true. There's a four-hand situation. What are they, Goro? I need two on the wheel and two on the phone, and here's what you do. You want to help support the show, become part of this awesome community we are building. You go to spitballerspod.com, click become a spitwad. That way, we listen to your questions first. We're going to give you

the priority that you deserve. You're going to help support our show. We're going to have a good time, and you get early access to every single episode we make. Go to spitballerspod.com, become a spitwad today. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Was there a deep breath in the middle of it? No, just the internet.

Don't worry. Oh, he's got it in full. Okay. Well, that was a relief to Jason. He didn't have to get in. Al Borland taking care of the scat for us in his sultry voice. Oh, please. That was a guest appearance by Kylo Ren.

He dropped in for the scat. It did sound like it. How you doing, Al? I'm doing good. How you doing? Oh, there he is. Superman does good. I was hoping he would. I'm fine. Jason How are you doing? Oh, there he is. Superman does good. I was hoping he would.

I'm fine. Jason's doing very well. If you're watching on YouTube, Jason's enjoying. I guess the beaches are not as packed as they used to be, Jason. The beaches are empty, so if you record remotely from the beach, you both have a wonderful experience and can get arrested. There's no wind. There's no wind. There's no wind going on there. Those are some static clouds just sitting.

And trees. And waves. Don't worry about it. The waves is the bigger giveaway. We're focused here on the clouds. The moon has gone a little bit too far away right now, and the waves are seceding. Welcome into Spitballers episode 94 at SpitballersPod on Twitter. We have Would You Rather, Liar Liar.

Yes, yes. Oh, Jason, you didn't know? You have Liar Liar today? I didn't know. And a spectacular draft coming your way on today's episode. Andy, Mike, and Jason with you. Oh, my goodness. This draft, there is...

This draft is wonderful. There is an answer that is certainly going to come out for this draft, and it will be the apex of this show. Well, I look forward to that moment. You've piqued my interest. You clearly haven't given any thought to the draft. That's okay. We'll leave it in mystery right now.

You can find the show. You can see Jason chilling on the very, very calm beach. YouTube.com slash Spitballers. And you can find out how you can support the show at SpitballersPod.com. Become an official Spitwad. Support the the podcast you guys ready to get into it yep would you rather all right our first would you rather question comes in from jenny's kids on patreon they'd like to know would you rather have a bodyguard sit across from you in a chair to keep you safe while you sleep

or sit no less than four inches from your face every time you eat to ensure you don't choke all right why would i want either of these things well you don't but you have to pick one because that's the name of the game jason so one of them is really really uncomfortable because they're four inches away from you while four inches is very close that's very very close they are not social distancing that that is 100 correct but the other issue is someone is watching you sleep which i why why is it that someone the idea that someone is watching you sleep is so horrifying why is it so bad i don't understand how long i mean how long would it take for me to get used to that even if i knew i was safe the answer is never that doesn't bother me

at all is that i can put a webcam up and let the world watch me sleep i know no no no no no no a webcam is so much difference than the physical presence of a bodyguard implying bodyguard is is said super jacked dude just watching you sleep. Well, here's the thing. Maybe this is the difference. I have what the doctors call sleep apnea, so I'm going to get the most out of that man. I don't even need a CPAP anymore when I stop breathing. You actually need the guy.

Does he give you mouth to mouth or mouth to nose? All he needs to do is just give me a little wake up, a little, hey, bud, come on, breathe. Okay. As you were. That's it. I just need to make sure I don't stop breathing. Okay.

So this question is more for me and Andy because we don't need someone watching us to sleep. Yeah, it's anxiety inducing if a very large man is sitting with his eyes open staring at you. Those moments when you wake up we gotta go pee in the middle of the night oh you're doing all right i'm just imagining because i'm like i'm a television sleeper i flip it on i watch a show or a movie and then and then like as i'm falling asleep generally i flip it off so I'm just imagining me turning it off and, oh, going to sleep now, huh? Yes. Thank you for saying that.

I have imagined this bodyguard is checking in way too often. He's saying things like, he's doing his job. You all right? You doing okay? You doing all right? There he is. Part of the problem here is if he's watching me sleep, he's also watching my wife sleep. Oh, is that weird?

So you're fine? Hold on. That's where you draw the line? Well, look, I'm just saying. He's a body guy. Maybe you guys sleep head to toe, pants, a sweater, a t-shirt, whatever. No. We don't.

We sleep in comfortable attire. We move around a lot. I'm just saying, you're going to sleep some things. You sleep not safe for work? I sleep, well, I mean, no, I don't sleep safe for work. I couldn't go to work dressed as I sleep. So no, I sleep not safe for work. Is dressed even considered what you are in that situation?

It's undressed, right? Do you sleep the way you were born? I don't because of these stupid children. In all the years of marriage before we had kids, I absolutely slept as I came into the world comfortably. I will tell this story in part to embarrass my brother-in-law, Joshua. Oh, get him. Get him.

But I know for a fact that he very much sleeps the way he came into the world no no no yes no no no no no no no yes currently currently and he's very yes 100 no no no no no no no listen he's a hairy man and let's put it this way. He tells this story. He came down the stairs in the buff. What? What? No, what? That's a whole different problem. Listen to this story.

He was going downstairs to get a glass of water, comes down in the buff. Dog had peed at the base of stairs. He ends up slipping and just splattering his whole nude body in the dog pee on the tile has to go back upstairs dripping wet in the buff yes joshua joshua okay okay no that's a sitcom presence that that's not real i promise you he is he has insisted on the fact he cannot sleep any other way no i and look I can actually relate to that. It took me a while to be able to sleep not a la mode.

You know what I mean? A la mode with ice cream? That's what I'm calling it here. With a scoop of vanilla? With a scoop. Well, it's like two scoops of vanilla when you're talking about me. But no. It's not.

It's not. It's like a gallon gallon of vanilla it's it's so much more comfortable to sleep nude the problem is i have kids that come into my room or yeah you have come into bed you have some semblance of adjusting your attire for your 100 100 but that's a whole different world than saying, well, I'm going to go. I already was nude, so I have to go downstairs nude. Like, well, what if you're nude when you need to check the mail, Josh? You're just like, well, I was naked, so I'm going to the mail.

It's a true story, man. I don't want the four inches from my face. I will deal with the nighttime sleeping because. i don't blame you there i don't blame you there andy i wouldn't want that oh we're all taking the bodyguard all right now jared from patreon would you rather sleep here's another sleep question oh my goodness nightmares would you rather sleep with all your clothes on shoes included it's getting hot at this beach all right i gotta start over this is fine oh all right this is fine uh Would you rather sleep with all your clothes on and shoes, which that's not a good time, or sleep with all the lights on and nothing can cover your face and eyes?

Oh, my word. Have you ever gone swimming with your shoes on? I have. No. Well, I haven't gone swimming, but I've been in. You've fallen in a pool. Sure. Fallen in a pool.

I guess you don't do it on purpose. Or been. What's it called? Rock hopping. You got done that. Then you fall in and you're waiting. You know what I'm talking about? Rock hopping.

Yeah. You guys. Is this a new thing for you to Al Borland knows? Right. It's called rock hopping. Yeah. When you go to like a lake or a stream and there's like you know some some rocks that you could hop across the stream yes you could hop upon these

rocks to cross the stream but my family we used to go camping and we would go rock hopping we would go i've never heard rock hopping have you heard that i've never heard the phrase i have never heard that either sorry oh get come to my rescue there's rock hoppers out there like you put it on the schedule that like 8 a.m is is breakfast 9 a.m is rock yes we got 100 we plan to go rock hopping and when we did that you know every now and then you'd fall in and you get the completely fully soaked foot shoe sock and it is awful sleeping with your shoes on doesn't feel like you are able to get ready for bed you know that's like what happens or are you always ready for bed i guess well you would become that way and then the sleeping with all the lights on that

stinks i don't know if it could happen like i at first when you first read this question i'm like eventually i have to take the other one because i could not sleep with my shoes and socks and clothes on but i actually think you know if i'm tired and you turn all the lights out and you know i'm probably not going under covers because i already got built-in covers um i would get sleep but if the lights are on that's like the number one thing that keeps me from sleeping i guess that's the biggest question jason so it's both scenarios one you're very very tired had a hard day of work you go and you're fully dressed and you're just like oh and you you just laid right down on the mattress and you fall asleep or you get ready for

bed and your spouse is still getting ready for bed which this this has happened to me i'm sure it's happened to you guys where where she's getting ready for bed because look our bedtime routines are very different mine involves uh get into underpants and go to sleep and that's your routine yeah that's my that's my whole routine and obviously put your shoes on but my point is like i've fallen asleep with the lights on but i don't know if every single night if they're on is that going to create a problem for you like in the middle of the night can i put my neighbor on blast for a second well 100 only if you name them and give their address i don't well i i would i would just love to that's the responsible thing to do but i don't know these neighbors they are

the behind my house neighbors right so they they're not on my street they're on the street behind and and they just moved in it was really nice for a long time that house was vacant well now they moved in and i think the first thing they did is replace all the floodlights in the backyard with uh spotlights yeah i mean it's unbelievable when their lights are on our streets lights are on and here's the best part they love to not turn them off at night yeah they love to leave those on and so literally last night my i've got shutters in in my in my bedroom and they were open like four inches i mean one one shutter was like a bodyguard just from your eating yeah like

a josh away and so i would i couldn't sleep man last night i woke up like 40 times because and and each time you couldn't fix the shutter? I thought about it each time, Andy. I was like, oh, do I just go? I didn't want to go. Oh, come on. It's two in the morning and I thought this... I just go back to sleep.

Like, oh, that's annoying. Whatever. I'm going to go to sleep. I didn't think it would keep happening. And every time, now I'm committed to not shutting it. You see, Jason, we had neighbors that did the exact same thing. I had to go knock on the door. Eventually had to do it.

Ooh. See, I do it. Ooh. See, I don't like confrontation. They said they had two giant floods that would just completely fill our entire backyard, and they said they had them on so that the dogs could see whether there were snakes in the backyard. The dogs that can see in the dark. That have night vision. That was the reason why. They wanted their dogs to be able to see if there were snakes around.

You need to give them a science lesson about rods and cones. So they slightly moved them downward, and we lived with it. But anyways, getting back to the question, sleeping with shoes on or lights on? Shoes on or lights on? I got used to sleeping in my boxer, so I think I could get used to sleeping in my shoes. It's not just shoes. It's all your clothes, your full clothes. Yes, yes.

I'm going fully dressed, no covers. All right, I'll go that way too. Yeah. This question seems stupid. Okay, let's have it. It comes in from Bree and Tiffany. Oh, that sounds really, really stupid. Would you rather-

Considering those are the names of our wives. Yeah, well, two of our wives yeah well two two of our wives you'll see by the question would you rather be handsome like mike or ugly like andy and jason huh huh huh huh uh huh uh i'll choose handsome like mike huh i'm gonna yeah i'll choose handsome like mike i guess i guess i'm gonna choose ugly like andy and jason oh the this doesn't seem like uh a great question to be honest with you it seems like a very poor question the best part about this question is mike just typed in it mike wrote it just now uh no not just now but earlier probably 30 minutes ago look i wrote i noticed that al borland needed some questions for would you rather

so i simply were trying to help the show and i i guess it got left in there and it's a very important question that people need to to know and they need to think about. Well, not people. I mean, our wives, Jason and my wife. Well, they're the ones asking the question. They need to know it. Yeah. I'm saying people need to think about, do you want to be handsome like Mike or ugly like Andy and Jason?

Oh, this is like I want to be like Michael Jordan. I'll take I'll be handsome like Mike. Like Mike Jordan. Now I get it. All right. I'm going to ask a real one. Here's almost there. This one comes in from a person on Patreon. Would you rather have a bank account but never be able to check your balance and have to

keep track of your transactions on paper or never be able to use a bank account and only have cash? All right right i'll jump i'll jump in here because maybe you guys have had experience with with the cash people because apparently there's there there are cash people out there and they they live their lives in the the manner of of uh you know like it's it's it's, it's their budgetary. It's the way that they budget. They have, they, they have the certain amount of cash.

Once that cash is gone, it's letting them know that they, they cannot spend anymore. Meanwhile, meanwhile, they could, they could do the exact same budgeting and financial planning, but get all the bonus credit card points.

Man, I think you're wrong there, Mike. I think you're wrong there, Mike. I think you're wrong there. Look, speaking as someone. Talk me into the cash plan. All right. Here's the cash plan.

The cash plan is you're out of cash. Whoopsie doozles. You're out of luck. You can't do anything else. When you get low on cash, you got a plan. It's basically the spanking from mommy and daddy that you need because you're not really a grown up yet. When you are in need of that spanking, them credit card points going to get you in trubs because you're going to rack up them credit card interest and you're not going to follow through. And next thing you know, you're going to owe more money.

You're going to have spent more money. So, yeah, no, I've been the cash cash person before i've needed that in my life i have you've been in the world where it's like i can't just keep track and have the self-control i have to actually have the physical limiter yes in my life otherwise otherwise i will not be in any type of control yeah so yeah yeah 100 here's the thing when when i was a young man becoming a young man uh that's when i ran a a pretty successful company i think you've heard sure okay uh so money was not something that as i became an adult i ever learned was finite because i just spend whatever i want to spend. I made whatever I want. And so it was one of those things where I never grew up financially at that

point in my life. It was just spin, spin, spin. Cause money was infinity. And then eventually, you know, that infinity was the Piper showed up.

The Piper showed up. And so, yeah. So, you know, it took some time in my life to grow up. So I look, that's like the Ramsey plan, right?

Dave Ramsey has that cash-only system. Is he a cash-only guy? Envelope type of system, yeah. Yeah, yeah, he recommends that. So I've been there. So this is really a question of do you want – Meanwhile, Dave Ramsey's racking up super sweet credit card points, getting free vacations.

Oh, for sure. He's got a lot of them points coming he's got none of them hey if you if you have the the cash thing is just inconvenient because obviously there's some places that they don't want to take cash it's very inconvenient uh you know you got to go into the gas station and give them cash and put it on a pump there are some limitations there the other side is like going back to checkbook balancing days where you're keeping track of your entire bank account inside of your checkbook. That's true. I'm old enough to literally have been taught that in school.

We had to have a pretend checkbook. I just took my daughter. They still do that? I don't know. Look, so here's what happened. I took my daughter. It was her big field trip of the year. Like, this is the thing that everyone looks forward to before school got shut down, of course.

But we went, and it's called Biz Town. And this was a situation where it was like, I kept gaming. I was told about it all year. And eventually, it led up to the point of like of like okay dad has to go on this field trip because it's so important i said all right let's make this happen i go number one it was incredible this was a situation that i had never i couldn't even imagine it was this awesome where they had they it's a building and they literally have built out a mini town, and there's all sorts of businesses from the bank, the exterminator. I worked at a radio station.

There's the doctor. There's a Chick-fil-A. There's Cox. Arizona. Yes, this is in Arizona, and people and schools travel from Vegas to go to this biz town because it's this really, really cool experience for kids to learn all sorts of things about business, like a crash course. But what they still do, they still write checks and they still have their checkbook that they're teaching kids how to use. And I'm like, okay, my daughter is almost 11 years old. Will checks really exist when she is old enough that she's on her own for finances?

No. We need to update this to get rid of checkbooks. People don't need them anymore. Yeah. They're for the occasional person that does something that requires a check. I have, you know, and one book will last you years nowadays. But I think that it would be, I think I would go that route of having to keep track of my own balance more than I would the cash.

100%. I can't do cash. If I'm doing cash, I'm giving away one to 5% on every transaction. Yeah, I'm going to take the same thing. It's bad business. I can tell you as a young man that when you do that and you don't track your transactions, everything's fine. Everything works out, my man. Just go.

Just you be you. Just go. Yeah, everything is fine. No big deal. It's free money. Yeah, super easy alright let's get into Liar Liar Liar Liar

Pants on Fire you're not getting us today Al Borland oh no not today you think you're pretty special with that sultry, deep voice and scat from the beginning of this show that was so devilish, but you're not tricking us today. We're going to defeat you. We're going to see through your lies. This is the one, guys.

This is the one I go undefeated. I'm going to go 3-0. Are you ready for us, Al? I'm ready. Alright. I'm going to read you three facts, or supposed facts, and we're going to identify the lie and embarrass Al

Borland. Here we go. Sloths have bad eyesight, which sometimes leads them to grabbing their own arm instead of a branch, causing them to fall from trees. Oh, my gosh. This is already harder than I thought. So that's the first fact.

That can't be true. They grab their own arm. Whoops. How are sloths still alive? I do not know. This could be false. Number two, in Boston, a large tank of molasses burst and sent a 35-mile-per-hour wave of molasses rushing down the street, killing 21 people and injuring 150 people. It is known as the Bostonoston the boston molassacre no okay the boston

make up something this wild would he oh my gosh the boston molassacre it was wild in the beginning it was wild when you said a 35 mile an hour wave that killed 21 and injured 150 people because, oh no, molasses, which by the way is known for being slow. Slow is molasses? But then that wasn't enough and Al Borland would tack on. It is known as the Boston Molassacre. That's so brutal. That's not even okay to make up jokes, but this is the man who's like oh let's come up with some hitler joke and number three ancient romans used human and animal urine as a mouth rinse to whiten

their teeth oh i take back my three and oh comment this is all right so i feel like the molasses thing I'm going to tip my hand I didn't know it was called the Boston Molassacre but that story is 1000% true I know of a story from watching you're telling me there are 21 families who lost one of their people

I'm telling you back when I was a vampire and I was up all night sleeping all day, I watched a lot of those history channel specials, and there was definitely some sort of molasses problem where there was, like, that was their

company, and they had an explosion, and there was a huge wave of molasses that killed a bunch of people. Like, this is true. I don't know if those numbers are 100%. How many molassacars are there in the world every year i can't imagine there's more than more than one so i think the sloth one's real i think the last one's fake i'm gonna vote the lie as the ancient romans using human and animal urine i'm a hundred percent supportive there i can't imagine you'd think let's whiten our yellow teeth with this yellow water come the romans but the romans are doing weird stuff i don't doubt it but that's what i'm

going with i just think they would try something else nor nor do i think they care about whitening their teeth i mean people on the other side of the globe right now don't care okay that that's that's a that's a good way to think about it. Did ancient Romans have dental hygiene? They had the white robes. They probably wanted a match. Oh, crap. You bring up another good point. Yeah.

I mean, Jason and I are on the same team here, Mike. Where are you going? Look, I want to believe that that is the right one, but sloths, like grabbing their own arm, how are they still alive? Well, some of them aren't. Their entire, but the species is still alive. And if their entire defensive strategy

is that they can climb up a tree very, very slowly, but sometimes they grab their own arms and fall to doom. Our other producer has just posted uh an update on slaws maybe this will help us determine whether this all right work me through it so this is a google results of what people ask about sloths they say are sloths dangerous do sloths die when they poop do they wait no hold on do they die when poop? This is one of the most common Google- People are asking. Googled questions. If an animal dies when it poops, apparently.

Why is sloth so slow? Why is sloth- Why is sloth so slow? Where does Babby? What are sloths good for? That's a legit question. Okay, that's a legit question. Has a sloth ever killed a human and do sloths attack?

I wouldn't be worried. A sloth has definitely killed a human because apparently molasses has killed 21 of them. Oh my goodness. So everybody's done. I believe any question about has a blank ever killed a human, there must be at least one. All right, I'm locking in. Look. You think the sloth one's fake?

I feel real strongly that the Romans is right, but I'm going with sloths. I got to believe they're not that dumb. All right, Al. Mike is 1-0. Yes! Yes! The Romans are so stupid! Ancient Romans.

Ancient Romans. Wait, that means the ancient Romans are dumber than sloths, by definition. You're darn right. The sloths aren't dumb and don't fall out of trees. Now, hold up. They were smart enough to figure out that urine is very rich in ammonia and can whiten your teeth. I was going to say, does it work?

Because we're calling them stupid, but they might weird the stupid ones. Hold on, hold on. So when I crest white strips i'm just i'm just putting pee in my mouth no i think we've evolved the process slightly over the years yeah there's still some guys that you know they're selling like uh weasel urine and trying to sell it to people for whitening purposes but most people most people do the strips wow all right all right uh mike is one to know dang it all right next set of three facts dogs prefer to take poops on a north Wow. All right. All right. Mike is 1-0. Dang it. All right. Next set of three facts.

Dogs prefer to take poops on a north-south axis. That is why they spin around sometimes when looking for the right spot. Okay. Okay. Jury's out on that. Number two. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar with U.S. coins. Here we go with the exponential. Okay, that's tough.

Math is always stupid in these. That's what the ancient Romans said. And then the third one, the term finish line. No way. Comes from a massive multi-day race held in the 17th century from Norway to Finland. It was a great honor if one could make it far enough to pass the Finnish line at the end. Finish as in country of Finland.

Finish line. That's baloney. Get out of here with that one. I am voting that one is wrong. All right. Andy's locking in, which is perfect because now I get to jump in with my random facts. The dog one, that's 100% true. 100% true that is what they are doing.

They're trying to line up with north and south, and they're trying to, I don't know how dogs know. They got some kind of magnetic field, and they know which way they got to poop. It's like animals that know when a volcano is about to erupt. We don't know why they know. They just know. Sure know sure poop so volcanoes so to me it's down to the the dollar which what where i'm where i'm suspicious of owl is did he go with the number 293 because we would

think it is too high or too low because the finish line one is so crazy. Jason, where are you weighing in on this? Look, I've had dogs my whole life. I've seen them poop in every single possible direction. I can think of my dogs yesterday pooping northwest, east, south. How good are your directions, though, Jason? My directions are 100% fine at home. The front of my house points north. The back of my backyard points south. My dogs are definitely not always pooping north and south.

So this might be some article that says oh, this is what... I mean, how do we know they prefer this? It says they prefer it. But that's what I'm saying. How can that be a fact even if it's true? Dogs prefer lollipops. How could...

Did they answer a questionnaire? I take issue with this because I feel like that's going to be true. But I'm saying that's the lie because I watch my dogs poop every direction. My dogs poop 20 times a day, and I've seen them look west. Okay, Mike, your final vote. We need it. I'm locking in coins. So do we all have a different answer?

We all have different ones. Al? Andy's right on this one. Dang it. Andy and Mike are both 1-0. Jason's 0-2. I know. We're both 1-1, by the way.

I am 0-1-1 because this can't be a fact. It is a fact. You can't tell me a dog's preference to poop north itself. This is on you, man. I came in here. I told you. It's locked. It doesn't mean the poop's going to lay that way. This is on you, man. I came in here. I told you it was locked. It doesn't mean the poop's going to lay that way. The poop doesn't necessarily face north.

I'm not talking about the landing. I'm not talking about the landing. I'm talking about the... There was a two-year study in which they watched a total of 5,582 urinations. That's a lot of urinations. 1,893 defecations. And they found that in calm magnetic field

conditions the dogs consistently preferred to be aligned uh north south when they pooed and perhaps the most striking result was that regardless of magnetic field conditions dogs blatantly avoided relieving themselves along an east-west alignment i told you man and the dogs no the irony was the study was done by some ancient Romans who used all the urinations for their own purposes. I and every single person listening to this, from now on, the spitwads and myself are going to watch every single time

a dog defecates with far more interest and wonder which direction they're pointing. And I'm telling you, I'm taking pictures of these east-west dogs pooping. Look, sometimes they do, but it's about preferring. And the day I learned that fact, every time I've washed my dog poop, I'm watching for it. I'm not joking. It's not worn off over the years.

You still pay attention? Every time I watch her go out there and try to take a poop i'm like there we go again north south i wonder if we didn't use toilets if we would organically you know go north go north south i mean i don't know no what direction is your toilet sensing the earth's magnetic fields like dogs are yeah yeah nor are dogs i refuse all right we're gonna go to the last one so that we can get to the finish line on this. Crosswalks were originally painted solid white. No way. But got changed to lines during the Great Depression to reduce paint costs.

I believe that. I believe that. No way. That's one of those ones I feel like my instincts are that's 100% true. That makes a lot of sense. The second fact, the fastest man-made item to ever be launched was an iron manhole cover, which ended up in outer space. No way.

Oh, this one's not good. This is not. And then the third one, eating 30 to 90 grams of polar bear liver is enough to kill a human being. I'm fully tilted. I think that one is right as well. I'm officially voting that the manhole cover is wrong. Look, I'm happy to go 0 and 3 here because the fastest... Because you have no choice.

Look, I'm happy to go 0-3 here because the fastest... Because you have no choice. Because I have no choice, and there's no way that the fastest man-made item to ever be launched was an Iron Man hole cover. No way. No way. That's my vote, too. I think that one's wrong.

I think that one's a lie. It's not aerodynamic, a manhole cover. What are you talking about? It's a frisbee. It's a really heavy frisbee. It's not aerodynamic. A manhole cover. What are you talking about? It's a Frisbee. It's a really heavy Frisbee. Yeah, that's fact. I mean, that seems like a disc being fired is a pretty conducive thing. They throw discs in the Olympics.

That's super aerodynamic. Okay. All right. I was seeing it sideways. They're flipping it like a coin. Okay. No, just straight. Just basically blow a manhole

cover off the ground it's not going down or space hold on i might rethink this because that's a good the frisbee's a good point the discus yeah okay well what you got mike you you go second all right so andy you locked in the crosswalks that's or no you said i locked in the manhole cover i think that the crosswalks is right and i think that the polar bear liver is right okay but what in a polar bear liver is toxins man polar toxins really really what are they eating that's toxic to humans also who was eating polar bears well it's not like snakes eat something that's super toxic to make them venomous, Mike. But people can eat.

It's the inside of their bodies. No, no, but that's their venom glands. That's not their liver. No. But here's the deal. I mean, polar bears. Polar bears. I'm locking it in.

Polar bears. That's not true. Polar bears eat a ton of fish, and there's a lot of fish that can oh is this a mercury mercury thing yeah there's different ways of fishing liver is supposed to take the poisons out he locked it in crosswalks he was so solid i think that the current uh landscape uh is is making an easy lie for uh al borland to say that the great Depression reduced paint costs. I'm going crosswalks. Alright, Al. Unfortunately, Jason did not go 0-3

because he got that one right. Thank you, Mike, on the Frisbees. Dang it. So the polar bear one is... Is that a mercury thing? No, it's vitamin A. There you go. I thought I'd heard that, Mike. That's one of those late night facts that I remember hearing. Where were you on that one? I told you. I gave you the truth. I thought I had heard that, Mike. That's one of those late night facts that I remember hearing.

Where were you on that one? I told you. I gave you the truth. I said I locked in. I knew that the Boston Belasiker was real, and I knew that the dog's pooping was real. I didn't help you as much. No, you did not. You were just like, well, maybe it's true.

I don't know. Guess what? I knew the whole time it was true. I had the same instinct on the crosswalks, though, and I was wrong there because that's apparently a lie. That was the lie. Yep. Gosh. Let's draft.

Okay. Well, hold on. Hold on. What was the final score then? That means everybody got one right? Everybody got one right. Is there a further story on the manhole? Like, what happened here?

Yeah, that was in... Let me look it up real quick. I don't remember offhand, sorry. A long time ago? 1957, sorry. So we haven't launched stuff for like 50 years? It was part of a nuclear bomb experiment, and they detonated a nuclear bomb,

and the cap of the chamber got launched into space. So it did blow like off of, like straight up? Yes. I mean, I don't know if it was flipping like a coin or if it turned sideways in the air or what. But it wasn't even thrown like a Frisbee. The nukes are strong. Yeah, they estimated that it was going about one hundred and twenty five thousand miles per hour. Oh, that'll kill you.

I could one hand that. All right, let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right, so Jason is pick number one today. Is that right? That is correct. And we are drafting a wonderful draft. Toilet paper alternatives.

wonderful draft toilet paper alternatives so look it's important to know how to pivot to another option if you don't have toilet paper available you know maybe you're maybe you're out camping and then you went like you know rock hopping and then you're like man i gotta take a dump ski oh i forgot to bring tp i i have something that I need to broach before this draft happens. Okay. Jason, you're number one. I feel like Jason should not be allowed to draft a bidet. That's my first pick. Of course you feel like that.

I'm the one on one. Because that's not the spirit of the draft. The spirit is wiping. Oh my goodness. so you need to find an alternative to manually wipe i've been hoodwinked i get the 101 and you take away my hey if alice agrees with mike and i well we can't draft michael jordan oh it's not because here's the spirit yeah the way i'm looking at this is tp is unaccessible as some people are dealing with right now and it's like

crap what do I do what do I have oh crap and people aren't just like oh here's this bidet I had lying around I mean you're not going to have a lot of the things on my list lying around I gotta go buy it you've got to wipe

you've got to wipe so there's got to wipe. Alright, so there's gotta be a wiping aspect of this. Okay, well that's dumb. With the 1-0 I take bidet. With the 1-0-1, I'm gonna take some Kleenex. If it's soft enough

for my nose, it's soft enough for my booty. Okay, alright. Yeah, that's a great pick. I mean, that should be the number one pick. That is the number one pick. i should be the number two pick but i get it i do get it i do admit the spirit look here's the truth i came here fully trying to get the one-on-one as a bidet and i assumed i'd have to do the fight after i said bidet not before i said mike mike preempted it yes because i because it's not the spirit of the club. Now, do you want the lavender Kleenex or the standardized? Oh, dude, aloe.

I'm going aloe. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The lotion-y? The lotion-y one? Yeah, give me everything that can go in that Kleenex. Let me ask you this, Jason. How many Kleenex do you need for a good wipe?

Because it's clearly not one or two. You need like... What? They're so thin. What are you saying? Per wipe? Yeah, per wipe. I'm saying you're going to need... Two is fine. going to need two Kleenex and then you fold them up.

Those are already thick and then you fold them. You should be okay with that. I guess if you have the job done. I mean, that means it's going to be like 200 by the end. Right. But yeah, because I didn't get to my bidet. Well, I figured. Am I on the clock now?

You sure are. You are. I figured that I wouldn't get Kleenex. I wanted it. But I'm going to go with the next best thing. I'm going to go with napkins. All right. I'm going to go with napkins.

It's not going to be the most comfortable ride, but it's going to get the job done. It's not going to be too messy. It's not a Kleenex. There are no napkins with aloe, but there's some grooves in there. I mean, I'll give you this. The third pick. There are no napkins with aloe, but there's some grooves in there. I mean, I'll give you this. This being the third pick. It's better than printer paper.

Yeah. It's better. It's better than my pick, which I have to resort to. So I feel like there were three easy picks that you just lock into this. So I will take paper towels. Sure. That is the 103. I will just get that out of the way because now the draft can begin. Yes, it can.

These were the three you have to take because, look, you got to get the job done. But now it's about creativity. It's about innovation. It's also about inefficiency. The draft so far is what is closest to toilet paper. That is correct. You got to get them out of the way. But let's go, Mike.

Let's go. Now we are in dire straits. The three things that come to mind that are basically just toilet paper. So with my second pick, I will take cotton balls. Cotton balls? What a terrible pick. That's the worst pick I've ever heard. How are the cotton balls this big?

Wait, are you grabbing a handful? I didn't say I was going one at a time, Jason. Oh, go ahead. Grab a bunch of these little independent things. You're going to shoot them up your booty. You can form a substantial wiping area with cotton balls. I'll take cotton candy. You've got to have a really – You've got to have a really dense –

How do you keep them from just sticking? Dude, you've got to – You're going to have a bunch of cotton balls stuck to your bum. All the cotton balls that touch the dirty area – All the cotton balls that touch the dirty area are just going to fall right from your grip all over the place. It's going to be a mess. You had a lot better options than cotton balls. You could have taken cotton balls later in this draft.

Off the waiver wire, I wasn't going to take cotton balls. Oh, I love it. Because you haven't thought about it. That's right. That's right. Okay. Wow, that's spectacular. That is spectacular.

That's outstanding. Man, now I have to... I'm trying to navigate what will come back enjoy viscerating your bunghole people because cotton balls won't do that look i'm i'm gonna i'm gonna make the quick decision here for comfort and i'm gonna say that's what i'm gonna say a t-shirt i'm gonna say a t-shirt look it's not a real you know I'm going to need a lot of them I'm going to need to get a bunch but it's cotton and it's going to be soft and there are going to be I'm certainly not going to have all right a bunch of cotton balls in my hand dripping and falling off so I'm going to take that cotton and put it into a shirt

and then we'll wipe my butt with it so I'm going to go t-shirt it it into a shirt, and then we'll wipe my butt with it. So I'm going to go T-shirt. It's fair. It's on my list. You stole my much better pick because you just took T-shirts. I was going to take tour T-shirts from the fantasy footballers because we have hundreds of them left. Because we went on tour. We bought so many T-shirts. And here's what's funny. We sold the heck out of those t-shirts and here's what's funny we sold we sold

the heck out of those teachers for some reason we basically bought enough for every single person in the world to buy so we were ready we have backup toilet paper yeah we were ready for the pandemic yeah and so yeah but you're gonna run out of your own uh wardrobe now no i'll go by the office i'll pick them up i'll pick up a tote tote. Okay. All right. You got two picks. I got two picks here. Look, the bidet is going to get it the cleanest. I don't get the bidet. But cleanliness is part of this. You want comfort, but you also want cleanliness, right?

Shamwow. I'm taking a shamwow, baby. It's microfiber. It's going to... I mean, don't you see the commercials? That thing gets everything clean. That's basically a sponge, right? ShamWow is like a microfiber cloth, I believe.

Yeah, ShamWow is very different. I can picture what you're saying. But I'm not going off brand. That's a rag. Yeah, I'm taking a real nice microfiber cloth branded as ShamWow. I'm trying to figure out what it eliminates for us. Does it eliminate the rag category? Or not really?

Probably. I haven't seen a ShamWow in forever. It eliminates the rag. ShamWow. Googling ShamWow. Remember that ShamWow guy? That's like a microfiber rag. Yeah. That's all it is.

My mom's going gonna be treated nicely you went name brand yeah oh yeah i got kleenex name brand sham wow name brand are those one of the rags that have the silver in them to keep it real antibacterial i sure hope so all right so you got to pick another one so you went shamu wait on sham wow's website it says sham wow is perfect for any situation okay well there you go there you go well done all right so that's my first one is the sham wow and then uh now let me ask if this is acceptable because this is this is really i mean i feel like this should have been in the top three and because it wasn't maybe maybe you guys are going to say,

I can't use baby wipes, but baby wipes are, I mean, they're made to wipe butts for poop. So what's the verdict? Yeah, it's I'll allow it. That is a complete oversight by myself and Andy,

but baby, gosh, I mean, you go down the aisle and you just want to draft. You're darn right. ShamWow, Kleenex, and baby wipes. ShamWow, the garbage. That was baby wipes.

Now, just for the sake of argument, Al, are we... Is the spirit of the draft finding something you don't normally use to wipe yourself with? That's true. Because baby wipes... You know, wipes and baby wipes

are a normal... They're a normal use. There are toilet wipes, which wipes and baby wipes are a normal use. There are toilet wipes. I'll leave it up to Al. If it's just an oversight, then we can give it to him and ruin the entire draft or we can make him pick again. Either way. I would make him pick again. I think the

spirit of the draft is finding things that you are not made to wipe your bottom. And we know preventing Jason from cheating is something we have to do actively in every round. You're darn right right you're darn right um i tried i tried with my bidet i tried with my baby wipes we're gonna go with toilet paper go charming ultra soft uh all right well oh man i'm already up ahead i'm take... I think this would work a lot better and easier than t-shirts. I also have way more of them, and they are cheaper to procure. I'm going to take socks.

You already got a glove right there. You put your arm in the sock, you clean it up, and then you can do the reverse pull-off. Oh, the inverse. The inverse and throw it away. So much more safer. Do you do that for dog poop? Do you do that for dog poop? Do you walk around with a sock on and then just pick it up?

You could. How else do you do it? All right. So that was a nice pivot, Jason, from your baby wipes to socks. That's pretty good. I've got Kleenex, Shamwows, and socks after having taken two picks away from me well look i'm i'm gonna go with what i thought a shamwa was at first which is i'm gonna take a sponge oh that's good that was it's absorbent is that the word yeah that's the word yeah that's that's the word soft i've

never never really thought about it but i think it would be a good experience well and the nice thing about that is are they a flushable sponge? No, you're not going to be wanting to do that, but you can get them wet. You can get them nice and moist, help with the cleanliness factor. I like the sponge pick. Alright, thank you.

I am not in a good situation. Well, no. I would definitely go marbles, Mike. You had cotton balls. I would go marbles. Because you. There's one I am. You had cotton balls. I would go marbles. Because you could grab them together. You can get a bunch of them. I can't wait.

There's one I really hope comes back. Gumballs. How many picks do I have? You need two more. Oh, two? This is my... Well, good. Okay. I alluded to the pick at the beginning of the draft, so I will be the one who takes it with my last pick.

But we're going to get back to nature with this first one. Because when you're camping and you're out in the wilderness and there's dire straits, you grab some leaves. Yeah, I figured leaves would come out. You grab some leaves, and they're going to get the job done. And I can dispose of leaves, no problem. I get a would come out. You grab some leaves, and they're going to get the job done. And I can dispose of leaves. No problem. I get a handful of them, and then I go to town.

Okay. So here's where the rubber meets the road. Ladies and gentlemen, you're not going to like this pick. Please don't take mine. Because it sounds super. I'm not taking your pick, Jason. I'm taking my pick, And it sounds super terrible. But here's the thing.

Our situation, you know what's right next to my toilet after I'm done? Soap and water. So I'm doing it. Ladies and gentlemen, I am drafting the hand. That was mine. I'm not taking yours. All you need is your hand. It will get a job. I had it circled and asterisked. I'm not taking yours. All you need is your hand. It will get a job.

I had it circled and asterisked. I wanted the hand. You're not the only one, Jason. You're not the only one. Oh, man. Hand was there as a poll pick. Dang it. That means my list is bad.

What I've got on my list are unspeakable. What we can say about the hand. Wow, gross. I know it's not going to hurt me. There's no chafage coming from my hand. Can you pick carpet like the dog wipe? I just get out and I rub my butt along the carpet. Do a little dog scoot.

So Mike ended up with paper towels, cotton balls, a surprise second round towels cotton balls a surprise second round pick a super leaves and hands oh i guess you've got two of them so uh well that got dirty i have napkins t-shirt sponge and i'm gonna i'm gonna pivot i uh i had some other options here actually but i'm gonna go i'm going with a mitten okay that makes sense it's like a mitten it's like my sock that makes sense it's like a sock yeah maybe a little bit cozier in the winter oh and uh i can reverse that i can reverse your guys's pick like a mitten and a sock i hope you have a lot of them or i hope you're doing your laundry non-stop because this i'm dropping it in the laundry but that's what i'm saying with the socks i buy a

package of those i go to anywhere i want i can get the bulk package you're not buying a pack a day right now because you're not leaving your house oh i could or i promise you socks are in stock right now if i want to order socks i can get them by the boatload here. They're going to be a lot cheaper than mittens. I have a big problem. That'd be the buttload, but go on. Oh, man. I want to apologize to the spit wads for leaving that clear and obvious pun off my joke list. Unattended. My big problem is my list.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13. I had 13 things. And they've been eliminated. Two of them were cheats. At least two were cheat codes. Well, yeah. I had a bidet and baby wipes. And then I had my tour t-shirts, which...

See, I've got one that's like... I've got a few. I'll wait for Jason Picks. I'm out. So I want to say I'm out. But in truth, I have one thing written down on my list. It was written down as a joke, but here we are. Here we are.

Here we are. You referred to having silver being sanitary, helping clean up from bacteria. Steel wool. I'm going to take a silver spoon because I'm going to scrape that sucker clean. You're going with a spoon? I'm going with a spoon. Scrape it clean. Oh, my goodness.

You're drafting a spoon. Easy to sanitize and clean. I didn't want to, but you took two of my picks away, so here I stand with a spoon. Kleenex, ShamWow, socks, and a spoon. And a poop spoon. A poop spoon. A poop spoon. It's a poop scoop.

Oh, yes. A poop scoop. A pooper scooper. I have a few. It's better than a fork. Still remaining here. I've got... This would be very humorous to use.

Let's hear your list, and I'll give you mine. Okay. I have a loofah. Oh, that's a good pick. Problematic. I have sheets or pillowcases. And I have towels. Yeah.

And that's pretty much it. All right. Why did you take my hand? You did not draft my hand, for the record. You drafted your own hand. But you took my pick. Don't draft your friend's hands for this one. So left on my list.

But I mean, there's some serious problems like newspaper. Yeah. There's some problems there. Copy paper. The actual cardboard roll from the toilet paper. Yeah. There's some problems there. And then the pick I was alluding to for Jason, look, you can't get a bidet.

But what if you're trying to splash up there and get a good old-fashioned water gun? See, I would have. I had those type of things. A water gun. A water gun. See you in five hours. What was set? No, what I was going to take was a water.

You can do those water bottles. Think of like the ketchup and mustard squirters, right? Oh, you're going straight north-south? Yeah, just go straight. Well, I would go at an angle for protection of the hand. But yeah, just, you know, it's like a self-bidet. But the problem is, you said it had to wipe. Yeah, we did.

Would not have qualified. I got you. Well, I don't know who's going to win this one. I really don't. But I know that none of us want to do any of these ever. So certainly not the spoon. It's pretty special. What did we learn today?

What did we learn today? Oh, goodness. I learned that scientists have been lying about dogs' pooping habits, that they need to go north-south, and that I also learned that i need to monitor all dogs uh duties yeah there's a real uh yeah i learned today that andy would rather have someone watch him sleep than take the four inches from his face yeah right and i I learned that nuclear bombs are very, very powerful. Very powerful. You learned that today.

That's it. And you guys learned that my brother-in-law sleeps in the nude and slipped on some dog urine. And we would go downstairs. He can't be bothered to put underpants on to go downstairs. He probably has white teeth. See you guys later. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

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