Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 95: Raw Chicken Snacks & Ice Cream Truck Favorites

Episode Date: April 20, 2020

YUMMAYY! Find out all about Jason’s new revolutionary business plan on today’s podcast. We also discuss Andy’s fighter pilot name, riding tigers, and a competition for the laziest animals. This episode will have you cold & bothered. Speaking of cold, we put this episode away with a draft of our favorite ice cream truck treats! Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, spit wads. Guess what? Guess what? I know, Mike, you're curious what I'm going to say as well. I have no idea. I want to invite all the spit wads out there that love this show to head over to spitballerspod.com and listen. You can become an official spit wad. That means we're looking at your ideas.

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Now let's get to the show. to it. Now let's get to the show. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. The ice cream's what I need. Put it in my belly, please. Yummy. Yeah. The yummy set that thing on fire.

That was fantastic. You were pouring a trail of gasoline, which could do nothing but smell really bad. And then Yummy just lit the powder keg. Nothing blew up. Well, we've got a very special ice cream related draft today. And I get the first pick. And yeah, ice cream is delicious.

I don't know if you guys were aware, but it is spectacular. One of the top inventions. I will say this. I will never, ever love ice cream the way that Andy loves ice cream. But we've all been stuck at home. I have committed myself. I'm working out five to six times a week. That's trouble.

That's trouble for us too. We're going to get back into the studio. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, because I have met the devil. I have looked him in the eye, and it's whoever invented that edible cookie dough stuff. Oh, you've been – Oh, we're fine. We're fine now.

Look, I am on the Jason Moore fat and shredded life routine right now like i'm getting stronger everywhere and the belly just keeps getting more more jiggly this is how we create an offensive line you and me mike dude edible cookie dough is the it's the cat's pajamas man you know what i never had anything better than this you know how you grew up and you couldn't eat uh cookie dough because raw eggs right yeah now the incredible invention of edible cookie dough is changing waistlines everywhere and oh yes but i think what changed is just people stopped caring about the raw they're like yeah you can eat raw eggs they took it out we haven't changed a dang thing they just eat it there's no raw eggs in there. No, they're just buying the toll house tube,

and then they just put it in a new jar. They squirt it in a bucket and say, you can eat this now. Printing money. You know, it is kind of funny how we grow up afraid of certain things. I can tell you this, genuinely. I have never had cookie dough in my life. You want to know why? Because I've been afraid of certain things like i can tell you this genuinely i have never had cookie dough

in my life you want to know why because i've i've been afraid of getting sick because my mom wouldn't let me have cookie dough and when i touch if i touch raw chicken i wash my hands at least five times yeah that's what i'm saying so minimum but but cookie dough raw cookie dough brings people joy so at what point is one sickness in a million worth a million people's joy? I'm telling you, we're going to start eating raw. The risk percentage has to be considered. I'm coming out with a new business. It's raw chicken.

Now you can eat it. It's going to be so good. Oh, no, it won't. Oh, it's so tender. That's not one we need. So tender. Everybody's been wanting to do it. Do you like your meat with the consistency of snot?

Check this out. Raw chicken. Raw chicken in a can. Chicken is so far and away the worst meat that exists because you, I don't know how wizards do it, but you can't cook it right. You can't because when you cook chicken, you have to destroy it. You have to get it. I'm like you, Mike.

I'm so paranoid with raw chicken, washing my hands. So it's always overcooked. Always. If we make chicken at home, it is always, always, always overcooked. Because better to err on the side of caution. But I remember when my wife's younger brother who was basically a teenager worked at olive garden you know what they put him in charge of cooking chicken chicken oh no 100 and i'm like dude i would not trust chicken that that guy is cooking

but he's apparently doing it better than we are because he doesn't care i'm telling you raw chicken is the next that's what i mean like if you the next big thing wouldn't you rather enjoy chicken like for five consecutive years nice juicy well-cooked chicken and then get sick once then to have overcooked chicken every single time i don't know man can i i don't know how bad salmonella is that's what i was gonna ask will salmonella kill me? In that case, that changes the equation quite a bit. We have all had that sickness where you get the stomach bug and whatever you ate last,

that's what comes out and you never eat it again. It's not even that food's fault, but it was the food that came out so it is that food's fault. The last Big Mac I had was 10 years ago with bad mayo and I threw all of it Big Mac I had was 10 years ago. Yes. With bad mayo. Exactly.

With bad mayo. And I threw all of it up. And I will never touch it again. That would be so good for me. That would be so good. If you could get food poisoning from certain foods. If all drive-thrus would give me one case of food poisoning, that would be really healthy.

You can find us on Twitter, by the way, at SpitballersPod. Appreciate each and every one of the Spitwads sending in your questions. you can find us on Twitter by the way at SpitballersPod appreciate each and every one of the Spitwads sending in your questions being a part of our community we love you we hope you're doing very well

during this crazy time of life and we've got a great show today if you're watching already on YouTube which is youtube.com slash Spitballers you will have an idea of what our draft is going to be. Jason's background is... All of my picks. Yeah, it's beautiful.

We're going to do an ice cream truck draft today. We've got a review. We've got Would You Rather. We've got the Situation Room. Very excited to get into it. Jason, are you prepared to read this review? Nope. excited to get into it. Jason, are you prepared to read this review? Nope.

Review-a-saurus rags. This one comes in from Mooshlo from the United States of America. Five stars makes life worth living. I am 26 years old and I've only listened to two podcasts my entire life. The Fantasy

Footballer since 2017 and now this one Jason all right is my spirit animal nice Mike's laugh makes my upper cheeks go north every time and Andy is literally the grandfather I've always wanted that every episode feels like hours and makes the whole workday feel like minutes thanks to these hilarious dudes and keep on making people's lives better i have a question now for the group because we all we all just accept that north is up right correct yeah yes but but actually when you're talking about directions so moosh lau when they're listening to this podcast, are they like a compass? So their cheeks actually point north?

They go due north, yes, to the North Pole. Do they go to the side? They point to the North Pole, yeah. So a lot of people bring a compass when they're going camping. He brings a laugh track from you. He brings the Spitballers podcast. Follow your cheeks. That's what we've always said. Oh, no. Follow your cheeks.ers follow follow your cheeks that's what we've always

said follow your cheeks follow your cheeks that's what we we really appreciate don't follow jason's cheeks no follow your own cheeks follow your own cheeks uh we appreciate the review all of the reviews for the show subscribing spreading the word about this podcast to bring a little bit of humor fun nonsense to your life. They all support the show. We really appreciate it. Let's get into it. I'll just say this, and I'm sitting here. We're recording from our homes today, and we have different backgrounds. Jason has an ice cream truck background. I've never felt more

cool in my entire life than the way you've never looked cooler my man i mean i am in a fighter jet right now i've got my buddies behind me here we go off the top of your head andrew holloway you're flying a fighter jet what's your code name oh my code name yeah to us we got maverick we got goose g-pop g-pop is that grandfather pop that's right but a little cooler that's that's the i just got the grandfather uh compliment so i'm gonna go i'm g-pop fly my f-16 what up with my g-pop all right you sit off the top of my head, all right? Hey, that's not bad. That's also my favorite type of music.

I listen to G-Pop. Ooh, G-Pop? Yeah, it's new. That's Greenland pop music? No, it's elderly rap. Sounds like Gatorade's new soda, G-Pop. G-Pop, yeah. I would drink it. Oh, I would drink the heck

out of that. It's got to be healthy. If Gatorade made soda, it's healthy soda. It's Gatorade, right? 100% healthy. You guys are still under the illusion that a drink with like 9,000 grams of sugar is good for you? Look, it's got what plants crave. Oh, gosh. Be like like mike can i ask you

another question andy is michael jordan or lebron are these are these supreme athletes healthy great question great question it's mostly from what they're the sugar content they're bringing you i want to be like mike that's why we focus on the they they visit uh ice cream trucks as well all right here's our here's our first would you rather question. Comes in from Max. Max is an official Spitwad, which you can be as well. It's spitballerspod.com. Click the become a Spitwad button.

He says, would you rather have your car always be locked and have to get in and out through your trunk. Oh, man. Or your car is always unlocked and windows down at all times everywhere you go. So you have to lift windows down all the time. Okay. See, I was perusing the show, Doc, before we started, and I read this basically as, would you rather, like your car is locked, you have to enter through the locked, you have to enter

through the trunk or you have to enter through the window. I like that question better. Well, that's an easy one. You're taking the window. Certainly. Are you? Yes. Why wouldn't you? Jason, can you get in through the window?

That's a very rude question. It is a very fair question. But is. It is a very fair question. But the trunk isn't going to be better. Fair question. Thank you. I believe I can. I think I can. I think I can.

Mind over matter. With a lubricant, you could probably just give me some Crisco. I'd be right in there. Every time he gets in the car jason what are you doing got to lube up got to lube up do you go feet first or do you dive in head first oh that's a good question too what's the better momentum situation if you had if you had a step ladder you would you go feet first that's way better step ladder coming from

you put a step ladder in your trunk so every time you want to get in your car, you open the trunk, you take the step ladder out. Then you climb up the step ladder, get in feet first, and then drive away. You got to buy a new step ladder. I got a hundred step ladders in the trunk. Because I probably can't bring that in through the window. No, no, you can't. No chance. Not if you need a step ladder to get a foot into your window

there's no are you what are you driving around in here i'm just saying a car i can't get in you gotta get first you can't get your foot up to the window of a car no way it's not about the first foot it's about the second foot i've seen people they grab the roof and then they double yes into the window if you can go feet feet first, you look way cooler than diving head first. Look, Andy thinks he can go feet first into a car. We've got to get a video of Andy going feet first. A feet first attempt. You've seen my legs.

I could walk in like a casual walk. Oh, this is great. Right in the front door. The confidence is going to be shattered. Can an ostrich go feet first into a car? Yeah, they can can i don't know well an ostrich has got a bit of a rotund situation once they get the two feet in yeah i was going feet first into a car the only way that would work is if my hands are on the ground

and i'm backing in trying to like scoot up that's it. There's no other choice. You're going wheelbarrow? Yes. Yes. Well, getting back to this first question, climbing in through the trunk would be convenient for parking in very tight spots. But it's also thoroughly embarrassing. That's a fair point. You have to climb in your trunk every time?

Yeah. This is a multiple row situation. You know what I mean? Yeah, you have to climb in your trunk every time yeah this is a multiple row situation you know what i mean yeah you gotta climb through the car with the original question is always leave your vehicle unlocked always leave your windows down that is like i don't that doesn't bother me for one second there's not the conditioning? Well, it doesn't say that you have to drive with them down, right? Yeah. You got to have them down at all times. At all times.

That would include driving. At all times. Everywhere you go, Jason. I'm not worried about my CD collection getting stolen. I'm worried about driving without air conditioning. Oh, CD thieves. You are the worst people ever. Also, they don't exist anymore.

I think CD thieves have left. They've gone copy of music. Also, they don't exist anymore. I think CD thieves have left. They've gone out of business. What do people even break in and steal anymore? What can they steal from you? The car. I think that would be the main issue. The main thing.

What do people even steal around cars? There's no need to lock this thing. Yeah. I don't have anything inside of it. It's perfectly safe. If this means... You can't even steal cars anymore, can you?

Of course they can. You can steal old cars. Yeah, old cars, but not new cars. They've got all the double protections and engine stops and all that stuff. Al, are you still with us? I'm here. Okay. You were accused of stealing a car once, right?

I was, yes. My own car broke down in a parking lot, and I was trying to fix it, and I was approached by a gentleman that wanted to make sure that his girlfriend knew exactly how tough he was. Oh, put him in a body bag. For sure. Anyway, yeah, he accused me of stealing my own car and he was trying to fight me about it. Now, you were probably in all black clothing.

I was. And a lot of people... Did you have like a screwdriver? Were you trying to break into the actual vehicle? Well, I wasn't trying to break into it i was in it but the ignition would not turn and so yes i was using tools to try and turn my key in the ignition okay well that makes a lot more sense it's not like you just so you kind of were trying to steal your own car no no but behold owl brings up a great point the three of us the

spitballers we're in a parking lot yeah it we're just oh well we won't put the three of us together so we are three grown men we have no one to impress we have no spouse to be like oh this this is the time i look super tough no we the three of us are together in a parking lot it looks like someone is breaking into a car. What's our first step? What's our plan of attack here? Are we really approaching this person, or are we simply calling the police? No, if it's all three of us, we approach, and we say, hey, you need a hand? I'll be in the back.

I think I would start with a, hey, buddy, what's going on? That would be my approach. Okay, I'll be the robber. Jason, let's role play i'll be the robber jason jason let's role play i'm i'm the robber you you're doing what you think we should do approaching i'll be behind you jason all right hey uh hey buddy what's oh what's up man oh man my car broke down i'm trying to get it uh working oh cool see you later that it. But I did my civic duty. That's 100%. 100% what would happen. Yeah, that's exactly right.

Yeah, but this dude took the approach of, you want to tell me what's going on here, bro? The intimidation intent was at a 12. Are you seriously risking your life? License and registration, please. Some complete stranger's car and you have no idea what's going on does this does this bad guy have a weapon the hope is doing the hope is that the hey buddy what's going on makes him run yeah that's the hope like you go hey someone sees you he gets out of here that's you couldn't al you couldn't convince this guy that it was your car though right isn't that

the problem you you didn't have a way to convince him? Eventually, yeah, I did. I got my papers out just to diffuse the situation and send this guy on his way. Then he took the cuffs off you at that point? He let me out of the headlock, yeah. All right. I'm officially going to go with the climbing in the trunk. I need my air conditioning in Arizona. That's my final answer. 100%. We're in Arizona. You have to have air conditioning. You still get your AC. The windows are just down. But the windows are down. And the system is up, man. I've never really gone that route.

I've always tried to save the planet. Jeepaw, get it done. That's interesting. I didn't think about that. If the air conditioning is going at all times with the windows down in Arizona. It'd be better. Oh, you've never done that? It would only help at stoplights.

It would not help you while you're driving. You've never done the jacuzzi pool situation in your car where the hot air is blown, but the cold air is blown? No. Oh, it's invigorating. I feel like this is Mike's shower situation where you always make fun of Jason for wasting all the possible water of the world in these 45-minute showers.

Yeah, because Jason takes out the reservoirs in two showers. Somehow I feel like you're wasting gas or something running the air with the windows down. Is that wrong? No, you probably are. Yeah, you definitely are wasting. But you're going in through the trunk looking ridiculous? Yeah, I'm looking ridiculous, yeah. I'm going windows down. I'm goin' windows down.

I'm goin' windows down. Once you said you get air conditioning still goin' on. Deuces up. Phoebe from Twitter, would you rather send an innocent man to prison or let a guilty man go free? Whoa, Phoebe, what? We're gettin' heavy, but...

Do you know what kind of show this is? I fly fighter jets, so I'm qualified here. This is 100% easy. Oh, come on. Now, you can assume the crime is a violent crime punishable by 10 plus years. So we need to assume it's a serious crime. Is it so easy now, Mr. Look, I'm not saying there's like one answer is good and one answer is bad.

Like, one answer is good and one answer is bad. But if I've got to forgive, like, let a man free and have unfortunate grace and a lack of justice by comparison to Miss Justice. This guy kicked your wife in the face. Mr. Justice or Miss Justice? Miss Justice. Not the dude, the girl. Miss Justice. Mr. Justice is the guy who rolled up on our phrase injustice is that what you're looking for yes that's what i was looking for

injustice not mrs justice not mrs justice she's a cousin her cousin injustice i'm letting the guy go free i can't put an innocent man in jail for 10 years now i get it and that's my answer too but that guilty man will probably do it again well you are well maybe well i know no lesson learned right it's a violent crime you're setting a violent criminal free the likelihood that they you know another innocent person is hurt by them is i don't know maybe i don't know i think generally if a murderer has the enough uh wherewithal to say like they're evil enough to murder then they're told no big deal i'm pretty sure that their next action is like cool they're going with the i deal. I'm pretty sure that their next action is like, cool. They're going with the, I totally got away with this the first time.

Well, yeah, that's how it works. I mean, if you don't have a consequence. Hopefully someone gets a question from Phoebe from Twitter. They have to set me free again. Okay, let me ask you this then, Jason. Okay. Your answer change if the violent criminal that you set free is guaranteed to kill another person? Yes. Would you still yes would it change the answer because that innocent person is still yes no my answer would change oh okay i mean either way an innocent person is getting hurt one is being put in jail for 10 years the other is being murdered so yes i'm gonna go ahead that's like

saying would you rather have a if you see a random guy on the street would you rather kill him or put him in jail i'm gonna go ahead and put him in jail that is exactly what that's like so um yeah i mean i guess you an innocent person going to prison is about the saddest thing that i can imagine in this world to be honest with you it's pretty close because you lose you i mean close. Because you lose your life for no reason. Like the Tiger King. I guess I hope. Wait, I'm only two episodes in, man. Yeah, I don't know spoilers.

It's not a spoiler. Hold on, is the Tiger King in jail? You know in episode one what happens? That he's in jail? No, you don't. You don't know everything. Hold on. You just ruined the season, jail jail no not the tiger king the first episode the first moment of the first episode is him calling on a jail phone yes thank you is it that i don't remember

that moment i don't remember the very beginning of yeah okay i was worried that i gave a legit spoiler no that's like the that's how the show opens. Anyway, digressing here. I will let the innocent man. So let's talk about the Tiger King. I will let the innocent man go free. I will let the guilty man go free and hope he doesn't kill somebody else. Hold on.

Is the Tiger King innocent? What did he do? Stop it. Stop it. All right. Mike, do you want to weigh in here? You haven't yet. Oh, I will send the innocent man to jail

because I'm hoping that it's Jason Moore. Okay, because not so innocent after all. Yeah. I'll send Al to jail for breaking into his own car. Alright, Chase from the website, would you rather have your current knowledge doubled or

your current net worth tripled? Oh, my. I'm 36 years old now. I feel like if you gave me doubled or your current net worth tripled. I'm 36 years old now. I feel like if you gave me double knowledge, that would be very useful. I think that's what I would. That's my default. I'm not saying I know a bunch, but I know that double what I currently have would be helpful. Well, you understand exponentials.

Yes. G- pop figured it out yes wouldn't you make more money having double the knowledge or at least i don't know jason what what's your what's the baseline what are you starting at well yeah what's double additionally you get addition and subtraction at that point? I'm going to know multiplication. I'm going to know my whole times table. I'm going to know misjustice. Misjustice. You've got to take the... The thing is, this question is dumb because if your net worth is not great, let's say collectively, your net worth is, you know,

you've got some debt on your house and you got a car, but you got some money in the bank. Tripled is still pretty good. Okay. What if you're worth $1,000? Triple is like, okay, that's nothing. But it's a very subjective question. I'm saying that if you're worth a million dollars now tripling that is worth three million dollars but you don't really need it

let me change it let me change the money would you rather this is a perfect alteration would you rather have your current knowledge doubled or your current salary tripled how about that how about that your salary goes up. So then it's, you know, you're guaranteed to have a significant jump. I'm going to take the salary in that case. Yeah, that sounds about right. I don't need the knowledge. If my salary is tripled, I'm doing fine just where I'm at. You'd rather just be, because, you know, with great knowledge comes great responsibility.

Exactly. With great knowledge comes many cans of peaches. Yeah. There is a mo' money, mo' problem side of this as well. Yeah, you didn't think of that. Yeah. If you had double intelligence, you wouldn't know. I'm taking double knowledge.

I'll just put in another alteration. I'm sorry. He said, or your current weight halved. Oh, man. My current weight halved. I think this is a very targeted question. This is targeted to one man who's sitting in front of an ice cream truck. I don't know.

Oh, man. I can't say. I think if I halved my weight, I would be malnourished. Would you? For a time. What would you be, Jason? 125. I'm 250.

Okay, yeah, you'd be too small. I don't want to be 125. What if you were 125? What could you eat if you were 125? And for how long could you eat that way? But you're acting like that changes what could i eat if i'm 250 like i can i can do this right now brother imagine i got triple salary what couldn't i eat what oh my it all comes back to what can jason eat i'm taking i am taking

double knowledge i have i've with with the staying at home i mean i don't know i've been diving into like science and documentaries and like we just with the whole family went out in the backyard and we watched the space station go over us and like just watching that glowing dot go through the sky like it i don't know it was a weird moment of me like i don't i don't know. It was a weird moment of me like, I don't know very many things. You'd like to know more. I would like to know more. Okay. Yeah, that's fair.

I think I would go the knowledge route because I do think it would pay dividends in generating revenue for myself later on. Think of how many grammar errors you could correct. Oh, you'd be that guy. Congratulations. Yeah, it all comes back to that guy. You know where to put apostrophes and semicolons you know where to put commas the more capitalization the more you know

the more you know what you don't know does that make sense oh my money no problem i will how do you know that i will take my ignorance i am perfectly content with my level of intelligence. Triple my salary. I'm doing good. All right. All right. Doing well. This man does good.

Yes. Whoops. Let's jump into the Situation Room. The Situation Room. It feels like it's been a while since we've been in the Situation Room. Oh, I am prepared for this first question. I have not read them, so we will find out whether I'm prepared. Hayden from the website, you have the opportunity to take home an animal from the zoo for a week and then return it.

Koala! What animal do you take home and why? Mike wants to cuddle for a week with a koala have you seen a koala i know you're obsessed with them oh my goodness like dude all they do is sleep oh no no no they do more than sleep they they just they eat slowly they also eat leaves yes oh koalas are the best like i i don't know if you guys have experienced uh the instagram feed look i'm really old. I'm new to the Instagram game.

I get it. But like, once you start looking at certain things, it shows you other things of that. And apparently I found some koalas. So my IG feed is just full of koalas, man. And I am living my best life right now. It is so great. So many koalas. Koalas usually sleep between 18 to 22 hours a day. Jason, you have a problem holding a napping, super cute animal.

I don't have a problem with it, but I can do better. That's my concern too. I could do better. I'm taking a sloth. That's the same thing. A sloth is not the same as a koala. I can do better okay let's hear it sloth because that's the same thing a sloth is not the same as a koala better i'm taking your lower animal it's not nearly as cute as a koala it's oh you're wrong sloths are just as much cutest animal on the planet oh no that is that is that's like it's it's you can prove it with science that the koala is much better than a sloth. A sloth sleeps between 15 and 18 hours per day. I get an extra three hours on you, buddy. Sucker.

Look, he can't run away from me. He can't get away. Our koala's not getting away from me either. You psychos. Take something of great utility. I am getting a tiger. I'm putting a saddle on it, and I'm riding it around the neighborhood for seven days so andy's dead you want night elf over here i i might as well be i want something i can show off i don't want to cuddle with an animal for a

week i have to return it i need something i can ride something that can kill you see give me an elephant i'm gonna take an alligator because uh because the elephant can't kill you see my worry was give me an elephant i'm gonna take an alligator because uh because the elephant can't kill you first of all i can put a muzzle on any of these animals and ride them around no you cannot it's a tiger muzzle a tiger and a friend of mine could do it al al borland could help me out here that's that's fair point if anyone could put a muzzle on a tiger, it's Al Borland. Look, I need something big. Andy trying to ride a tiger. Hold on, do I get a koala

in this video? Sure. I got a sloth. Here, let me substitute your koala that you want with a stuffed animal. You will not get much of a different outcome, Mike, between the two. That's a really good point. But the fact that Jason condemned your koala to the degree that he did to then go to an uglier slot that sleeps the same amount of time

but is far less unique. I've got far less unique. You guys are insane. No, by definition, koalas live in one place. Sloths live in more than one place. That's not the definition of what makes something unique. I think rarity is involved with

uniqueness. Well, you're crushing my daughter's heart. I wonder if anybody has ever done any koala versus sloth. Yeah, here's what pops up when I search for koala versus sloth. Laziest animal competition. That's what just came up. Whichala versus sloth laziest animal competition that's what just came

up which animal battle for the laziest that's what comes up i'm riding a tiger all right second one the rowdy one from patreon writes in says the spitballers must deliver an emergency state of the union address to the american people that the world is coming to an end in 24 hours. Oh, no. Who's writing the speech? Who's delivering the speech? And who's doing the sign language? All right.

So I think we can all agree that Jason Moore is delivering the speech. I agree with that, yes. He would be delivering it. Yeah, I could put on my actor hat. He could put a certain spin on the world ending in 24 hours that would be beneficial and you don't want me doing the sign language because no no no no no no no no no no interpretive dance and like i i fancy myself like i could i could write a decent speech but i also think i could crush on the sign language you're a uh i'm a world-renowned air guitarist so i think you could pull off i mean i'm a performing artist i can get up there

out of time to be fair i don't i don't speak any sign like well to be fair i think nobody speaks any sign language mike uh wait okay what do you hold on well that's a great question what do you call it you don't that is a great question you don't speak sign language but what do you what would you call it then you understand it yeah okay i don't communicate well thank you for the thank you for the correction i think that's fair yeah i i appreciate it because you are 100% right. I could communicate through my body even without knowing what the actual official language was. I could get the point across, I think. Which means I'm writing.

Although Jason was a pantomime once. So would that mean that... Oh my goodness, we forgot about the mime award. Yeah. pantomime once so would that mean that oh my goodness we forgot about the mime award yeah but you realize that pantomime is a very different thing than sign language those are not the same yeah i've been told that uh alborn says they call it signing so you just call it signing instead of speaking okay okay fair thank you thank you and I actually did take a sign language class for like two times. I know the alphabet. Yeah, because when we grew up, you know.

They offered that? No, some friends of mine were part of a sign language group. They were learning it. Oh, that's fantastic. And then I'm like, all right, I'll do that. But I wasn't cut out for it. That was like me in Spanish class. I wasn't cut out for it. i was like really this is hard i like

jason's like i can't handle this spanish thing but miming that's something i can get behind that's right so uh but i'm i'm fine with that plan i can i can write something up it'll probably be a little overly pessimistic jason can put put his spin on it and then Mike. Ladies and gentlemen of the United States of America. I know you've heard 24 hours, but actually the clock is ticking right now. It's more like 12 hours. It's going to feel more like a handful.

Really. There you go. Torino from Patreon. Your local wizard has returned. It's been a while, by the way Torino from Patreon. Your local wizard has returned. It's been a while, by the way. But every neighborhood has a local wizard. Of course. And he or she has returned.

He is not quite feeling himself. And for the first time ever, there is no catch. He grants you the ability to be a fly on the wall for any meeting or boardroom discussion. Oh, my. Anywhere on earth. Company company government agency whatever which would you most want to listen to wow so i feel like there's only one answer i know i do too and i'm trying to find another one because we're all going to say you'd like to be a fly on the wall inside of like the oval office or something how are you not in the oval office that's that's the you're in the room where it happened it happens yeah that's the room i know that's got to be the answer so i'm trying to what are more significant

conversations to even hear oh man i let's go to the ice cream truck man jason moore what do you got for us i think there are i don't you, I don't want to make everything come back to money, but there are ways to profit on this big time. You can be in some boardrooms, get some inside information. So where are you going? Maximize your profit right now. Okay. The local wizard says you're doing it right now.

Where are you going? Man, I feel like if I'm gonna bet on you're wasting too much time local wizards very impatient is upset all right i'm gonna be in the uh i'm gonna be in the boeing i'm gonna be in the boeing okay corporate office i want to see you know how how's our company outlook really uh behind the scenes they got anything hot should Should I buy? Should I sell? That's where I'm going. All right, Boeing.

Very nice. There was a time when maybe being part of Steve Jobs' product creation rooms would have been an interesting, fun place to be in from that perspective. Someone might say like Tesla. Someone might say Jeff Bezos and Amazon. But those aren't getting me the level of insight that the Oval Office would provide. Speaking of Apple,

do you guys feel like Tim Cook just lives in a room full of stuffed animals? Koala bears? A bunch of koalas. You're talking about koalas? He might have real koalas. He's got the money to do it. No, I've never thought that, Mike.

I have never thought that. Are you thinking it now? I'm picturing it for sure. I don't know what living in a room with stuffed animals says about a person. I don't even know what it means. I feel like it means they're soft. Very gentle. Gentle?

Yeah. Yeah, he's been very gentle with innovation so i agree with that yeah he would have the technological slam he would have the sloth as his stuffed animal of choice he's been gentle and slow that's great yeah well now that we're done bashing tim cook for no reason. For no reason. Whatsoever. By the spitballers, Tim Cook. Oh, my goodness. Al, are we allowed to draft now? Yeah, let's get into it.

All right, let's do it. The Spitballers Draft. All right. We are drafting items from an ice cream truck. Oh, fantastic. And so for many of us, maybe this means transporting yourself in time a little bit. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I live in the wrong neighborhood. But ice cream trucks don't come around like they used to. You live in the wrong neighborhood because ice cream...

Do you guys have them cruising through all the time? Every week. Every day. like they used to uh you live in the wrong neighborhood because you guys have them cruising through all the time uh not every day not just all the time uh we are all quarantined and he's still he's still coming up every day every single day and every day and my daughter comes and she grabs money she's like i hear the ice cream truck i'm like we're not letting you go to the ice cream truck right now i am living that life every day my kids they hear the music and like let's go to the ice cream truck right now. I am living that life every day. My kids, they hear the music and like, let's go to the ice cream truck. And we can't do that, man. Like, I'm sorry, ice cream truck guy, but I'm not going out there. That guy doesn't even have ice cream in the truck. It's just a car playing that music just to upset people.

Okay, here's the video we need. Since you both have the ice cream truck coming around each and every day, apparently, why don't you grab a fishing pole, deliver the money with the fishing pole both have the ice cream truck coming around each and every day, apparently, why don't you grab a fishing pole, deliver the money with the fishing pole, get the ice cream on the other end of the fishing pole, and I want to see you pull this off in quarantine. I don't have a fishing pole.

Well, that's really going to be... I have a hockey stick. Yeah, get a hockey stick. Just put some double-sided tape around the edge of that. Oh, yeah. The quarantine ice cream man. All right. I have the first pick.

I'm not sure it's the best place to be, but I wouldn't be myself if I didn't draft my favorite item without question from an ice cream truck. And that is the strawberry shortcake bar. The strawberry shortcake bar is my very favorite. If I see that anywhere, it is what I purchase. It is one part nostalgic, 15 parts delicious. I'm going strawberry shortcake. The thing about that bar that's so good is that it's always soft. It doesn't matter.

Whatever chemicals they put in that to make it the exact right texture. You can have it in a freezer that's way too cold and everything else is icy. If you put a gallon of ice cream in there, good luck scooping it out. And you pull that strawberry shortcake bar and you just chew gently into it. It's so wonderful. It is. I am one part happy, one part sad that you took that because uh uh the happy would you have taken it the happy part is i would have taken it and i

would have been just speaking out of my butt for about 30 seconds why it's such a great pick because i know everyone loves it i don't think I've ever had a single strawberry shortcake bar. Oh, so this would have been a press. You would have done it for the popularity. For the votes. Yeah. Yeah. So great news.

Great news. I get to pick with my heart and I also get to pick for the votes. So I will take the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ice cream with the gumball eyes which that was my number two pick mike i guess that is an outstanding we don't we don't have to say they have gumball eyes because they all have gumball eyes one is just shaped like a ninja turtle and ninja turtles are the best so that's what i got oh okay until the until that one's melted and then it's a monster they all turn into monsters every time i open package, it doesn't look anything like it. I'm disappointed because I really wanted that to come back.

That is one of the most. There was a 0% chance it was coming back. I thought maybe I liked it. No one else did. But apparently, I'm not alone there. So strawberry shortcake, I took first. Mike went with the Ninja Turtle Gumball. Delicious.

Delicious. Amazing. But here's the thing about it. It doesn't matter how it tastes went with the Ninja Turtle Gumball. Delicious. Delicious. Amazing. But here's the thing about it. It doesn't matter how it tastes. It's Ninja Turtles. Yeah, you're just getting pop culture. Yes. It's great.

First things first, this works any day of the week, but it's especially great on Tuesdays. I'm taking a Choco Taco. Choco Tacos are so good. I could eat them a lot. I have a problem with, because I always get the strawberry shortcake, I haven't explored some of the other items the way I need to.

I feel like Choco Taco is on my bucket list of priorities for the remainder of my life. Wait, hold on. So you've never had a Choco Taco? Once or bucket list of priorities for the remainder of my life. Wait, hold on. So you've never had a Choco Taco? Once or twice. Wow. Not saying it's not amazing. Well, I'm pretty sure in about 30 minutes,

the ice cream truck man is going to be rolling through. If you can get it with the fishing pole, I'll pick it up from you. Or you could cast the line over to my house, and I will. Ooh, I'll use the perfect cast i you could catch a lot of jason's with the choco taco on the end of the lure like if you just threw that in you'd get jason so you got choco taco great pick got one more all right i i think there are better vote getters than this but there's not actually a better item so i'm gonna take i'm gonna draft with my belly here um i'm taking the expect nothing less the chocolate chip cookie sandwich dang it jason oh

they are they're so good i mean this is he's getting a little a little bit hot and bothered hot and heavy cold and bothered those things are getting a little cold and bothered over here. Hot and heavy. Cold and bothered. Those things are... Getting a little cold and bothered. That's nice. Those things are so, so good. So, yeah, I mean, the soft cookies on the outside, the chocolate chips all the way around,

the ice cream on the inside and in the cookie itself. Fantastic. Great pick. Way to go, Jay. Yeah. Yeah, it's good. Now I have to... Now is when I play the draft.

What do I think that Andy Holloway is going to... That's right, because I got two picks coming. You are a wild card, man. I have no idea where you're going to go, because I have two picks that I really, really want to get. Because... Gosh. There's one.

Just to make it harder on you there is one that i really don't want you to take so don't take oh that makes that makes it way easier look i'm just i'm just gonna keep the theme running oh he's going more pop culture i'll take batman give me the Batman popsicle. Oh, man. So you want all your items to taste the exact same, just be different pop culture. I hope the next one is the Tweety Bird. How dare you infer they taste the same?

Sorry, different flavored gumballs? I mean, what's the difference? I don't think it's different flavored. I think it's just different colored. I think it's different colored gumballs. I take the red M&M. I take the yellow m&m i take offense to this they taste oh my god so much different well i am uh i am happy so much

different you did not so much different so much all right i've got the strawberry shortcake i've been scared with the four picks going off the board but i'm very very happy that i at least get the orange dream bar yeah the orange it's the orange creamsicle bar orange on the outside all right ice cream on the inside it says ice cream truck treat yeah perfectly certainly does there's a great pick it's still the nickel it's such a good flavor i mean it's just in in there's all sorts of desserts that have creams great pick it's still the pickle it's such a good flavor i mean it's just in in there's all sorts of desserts that have creamsicle and it doesn't get enough run as being a great combination that vanilla and orange oh it's such a good about yeah peanut butter and jelly but vanilla and orange it's bomb and then i'm going to go with the ice cream truck classic

i'm glad it's here for me it used to be one of the uh in the rotation as a kid and that is the push pop oh no that was the one i thought was coming back to me all right i mean there's it's one part novel i mean it's just neat you get to put you control how much you're eating it's it. Wonderful. When you said the orange cream, before you said the orange cream, I thought you were going with the orange push pop. Those things

were so much better. Who was on, when you bought a push pop? Flintstones. Okay, I'm just making sure it was the same for you guys. We used to see Flintstones on the push pops. Flintstones push pop is on my list. Okay. All right.

So I feel good about these three. I've got the Strawberry Shortcake, the Orange Creamsicle Dream Bar, and I've got the Push Pop. I'm feeling fine and a little hungry. Do you guys know? Asking completely for a friend. What other pop culture gumball bars are there? I have them on my list. I'm just curious what age people listen to this podcast because there's two very different picks.

A young and an old pick? Yeah, there is a young and an old pick. That is for sure. I think I would go young since Andy is going young and an old pick. That is for sure. I would go young since Andy is going to dominate the old. G-pop in the house. And what sucks is I'm so committed through two picks of this style of my draft. Now what do you do? Because there's the one pick that I would actually take, but it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. I have to keep it going. So I will take Sonic the Hedgehog. Oh my gosh. The movie just came out? I will take the Sonic the Hedgehog bar and I will see if the old man pick returns to me or not. Okay, so that's the young one.

That's the young pick. That's a clue for you jason all right okay well look you get to round out your draft now yes and i do mean round it out i do i i i don't think this is my favorite i really don't um i don't ever order this because there are better options but it's a classic of all classics. I mean, it is the quintessential movie ice cream man coming up issue. And so I'm taking the bomb pop. Whatever you call it, the firecracker, the American red, white, blue popsicle. Yeah, I call it a bomb pop.

Yeah. I've always called it a bomb pop. I mean, it sucks, but I call it a bomb pop. No, I don't disagree with you. It's not something I order. In fact, I actually... Oh, he's going for votes. Yeah, well, I'm going for classic.

But I actually love the banana fudge bomb pop. You ever had that one? That's the one I get all the time. Hold on, hold on. That's not a bomb pop. A bomb pop is red, white, and blue. And a bomb pop is a popsicle. A fudge pop is not a Bomb Pop. There's a big difference between those two. One's a fudge pop, and a Bomb Pop is a popsicle. A fudge pop is not popsicle material. A Bomb Pop is America, my friend.

It's the same brand. You don't get them all. It's the same shoe. What are you, French? Are the French colors brown and yellow? Is that? They love their bananas in France. All right.

So I've got a final pick here, and I'm going to go classic again. I'm going to go a little bit old man. Maybe this is. I don't think this is where you're going because it doesn't have gumball. Okay. Perfect. Perfect. But the drumstick, the classic.

Okay. It's the ice cream cone. Unfortunately, that's what I wanted. When I was saying, I had the pick that's what I wanted. When I was saying I had the pick that I would really take instead of committing to my draft, it was 1000% the drumstick. I love

drumsticks. They're great. There's so much variety now. You want them with nuts. You want them without. You want the little fudge in the bottom of the cone. If it doesn't have the chocolate bottom, get that crap bottom of the cone. If it doesn't have the chocolate bottom, get that crap out of my face. It's not the real thing.

If it doesn't have the chocolate bottom, it's not the real thing. That's what the Michael Sheen man would say. Thank you, Jason. Thank you. I'm just glad we can agree on what a drumstick is and what it is not. I am thrilled with my draft.

I am thrilled. I've got two it is not. Okay. Yeah. I am thrilled with my draft. I am thrilled. I've got two of the classics. You are thrilled. I am also thrilled with my draft because I will complete it with the old man pick. Tweety? No. No. No.

I will not be taking Tweety because I will be taking the Pink Panther. Okay. Oh, my goodness. Yes! I remember that. I remember that bar. Yeah, that's right. We all barely remember the Pink Panther. Okay. Oh, my goodness. Yes! I remember that. I remember that bar. Yeah, that's right. We all barely remember the Pink Panther.

And just for the record, that is the oldest pick of this draft. I mean, that's the Werther's original of Ice Cream Shots. That is the oldest. Yes! The Pink Panther pop. Yes! Pink Panther. I mean, my grandmother's grandmother loved that popsicle.

Pink Panther. I mean, my grandmother's grandmother loved that popsicle. Don't even start on the music because the Pink Panther theme song is legit. And it just makes my pick better. I'll hand G-Pop off to you for this one. So, Al, will you run back their two drafts for me? Please read all my picks. Before I have my final pick here. Yeah, Jason has Choco Taco, Chocolate Chip Cookie Sandwich, Bomb Pop, and Drumstick.

It's a great draft. It's very eclectic. It's a great draft. It's all over the map. It doesn't make sense. Sure. Mike has the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles bar, the Batman bar, the Sonic the Hedgehog bar, and the Pink Panther bar.

Look, I have a... It's themed. It's themed. Thank you. I hope people appreciate that. Yes. Andy, you have the Strawberry Shortcake bar, Orange Creamsicle bar, Push Pop, and you're on the clock. Yeah, and I'm going with the Banana Fudge Pop. The Banana Fudge

Pop. Oh, come on! No, it was already on my list, Jason. So, the Banana Fudge Pop, it is a classic ice cream truck treat. You can't really get it anywhere else, and it's the classic factor. Now, Fudge Pop, delicious, but it's got its own unique ice cream truck appeal. So that's how I'm closing mine out. So you're taking the Banana Fudge Bomb Pop. It's not a Bomb Pop at all.

Not even close. A Bomb Pop is a Popsicle. close. A bomb pop is a popsicle. Okay. A fudge pop is not ice. Why don't you go take a look? The problem, Andy, is the channel, like we have a Slack channel where we communicate between us and the producers,

and the producers dropped in a picture of the original bomb pop banana fudge flavor. It's a strong argument against my contention. However, my point is that a popsicle is made of ice. A fudge pop is not made of a bunch of frozen flavored fruit ice, right? Okay, now Jason changed his background to the bomb pop. Well, I don't know what you're talking about. You mean the bomb, the aforementioned bomb Pop that is delicious and chocolate and banana?

Here's the problem. So wait, is this what you took? Because if that's the original Bomb Pop, Jason, then you didn't draft the red, white, and blue Bomb Pop. Yeah, we've been over this. The original Bomb Pop sucks. Yes. It's just very patriotic. I got the Bomb Pop, but that's the brand.

So you're getting an off brand. Here's the problem with the Bomb Pop. There is one day in the entire calendar that I'm eating a Bomb Pop. Fourth of July. Yeah, it's the Fourth of July. That's the only day that I choose to choke that thing down. It's a popsicle. It's still a popsicle.

It's really just fine. I'm doing my best to be Smirch's picks andy get on board hey i am happy to give all bomb pops jason if you want and change my pick i think they're very they're very different in consistency oh very very they are they are one is delicious stupid and which one did you take i took the famous classic i said which one did you take? I took the stupid one. I took the famous classic. But which one is delicious, Jason? The banana fudge is delicious. Literally, it's what I get every single time.

Every single time the guy comes. And I got that with the last pick. The thing you love the most. Yes. You know what I get every time? I get the classic Pink Panther. You know what you get? They don't get the classic Pink Panther. You know what? You get eight gun balls.

Yeah, they don't sell that anymore. The Pink Panther is like the equivalent of the name brand medicine that finally its copyright ran out and went generic. It's done. It's had its time. It's been retired. It was the OG, man. Do you have a Bullwinkle pop available?

Oh, man. If they had a Rocky and Bullwinkle, I'd be all over it. Yeah, when you said old, I didn't think you meant that old. There are popsicles that come in black and white only, and he was going to draft them next. All right. That is our draft. What did we learn today uh what did we learn today i learned that that the three of us would very we'd be very intimidating confronting

someone breaking into a car so you're doing all right you're doing all right good need anything can i help you with that? I got AAA, bro. You want some AAA? I learned that very soon a raw chicken will be consumable for the masses and delicious. They'll sell it at the ice cream trucks. They'll start carrying it. That's right. Oh, gross.

I'll take the raw chicken pop. Salmonella pop. And I learned that Jason needs to invest in stepl ladders so that he may go in through his window. Disposable step ladders. That's right. Disposable step ladders. Oh, my goodness. Al, did we forget any special ice cream treats or did we cover them all?

I think you hit most of the favorites. All right. That's what matters. Goodbye, everybody. We'll see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to,

Yummy. check out spitballerspod.com. Is this microphone off? Is the show over? Is it done? Yeah. Is this off off? Is the show over? Is it done? Yeah. Is this off? Yeah, this is...

Hello? No, we're done. Oh, gosh, I'm so tired. Al, you stopped recording, right? Hello? Okay. Thank you. Thank goodness.

God, that episode sucked. Oh, gosh. I don't want to do this anymore, honestly. No, I was... This is... I'm ready to walk away from you two. Whoever is... How do we get rid of all the spitwads? I don't want to do this anymore. No, I'm ready to walk away from you two. Whoever is... How do we get rid of all the spitwads?

Well, that's the only thing I still want to be part of. Okay. How do you do that? The only way I'm staying on this show is if people go to spitballerspod.com and they're like, I want to be a spitwad. And they click become a spitwad, then maybe I'll stay on the show. That's it. That's the only way?

So this is the final episode. I don't know how we're going to get that information to people, but maybe next episode we could talk. We could record it, yeah. But I thought it was the last one. Well, sure. That's what I'm saying. If people don't go right now, then this show's over.

I'm just glad it's done. All right, good. I'm out of here. Goodbye.