Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 96: Attacked by a Sailor & Humanity’s Greatest Threats

Episode Date: April 27, 2020

It’s the end of the world as we know it! On today’s show, we draft the most fascinating existential threats to humanity. We also have a blast rambling about other nonsense like sleeping in, putting our face on money, having a scrawny bodyguard, and the infamous 5 second rule! This is another hilarious episode that you do not want to miss! Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Oh, what's happening, people, before we kick off today's episode? Number one, I want to say, hey, thank you for being here. How's it going? You're beautiful. I imagine you look way better today than you usually do because you're about to listen to this podcast. But look, we need your support here at the Spitballers. Head over to SpitballersPod.com and you can get all the information you need to help support this show ways that you can get access to these episodes early

and a bunch of other things like joining the spit tank that's where we go for our priority selection for fun questions for this show so head over to spitballerspod.com music music music

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music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music what happens when three buffoons give life advice explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve it's the spitballers podcast with andy mike and jason

oh i like it. Yeah, that has so many meanings. Sure, sure, I could see that. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast, episode 96. Oh, my goodness. Oh, far away. Would you rather? That's a great question and a special draft for you today.

Beep, bop, baby-de-boop. Al Borland is here. Yeah, that's one of the meanings. The draft is tied in, I guess, to that. That's right. Everything's going just fine around these parts. I am mustached out yes it has given me something to focus on during these times your mustache my mustache focused on your mustache

as is everyone else who looks at you. We are completely focused on your mustache and also our children. Just wanting to protect them. You can't stop the mustache. You can only hope to contain it. At SpitballersPod on Twitter. Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod.

YouTube.com slash Spitballers. If you want to see it. If you want to see it. If you want to see it. Look, not everybody's in the same camp as you and your family, Jason. Yeah, I'm with it, man. There's a lot of fans. It's stashtastic, bro.

Thank you, Mike. I respect facial hair game, man. It doesn't matter. It is a good mustache. I will say that. It is a solid. I know. You said I rock the hair game, man. It doesn't matter. It is a good mustache. I will say that it is a solid. I know. You said I rock the stache, but then at the same time, you want to run away from it. I'm just saying there's a lot of creepy people that rock the stache.

That's true. I mean, they've got solid stache and huge stache game. It went from my wife hating me to her her saying something yesterday she did say maybe i'll maybe i'll maybe how many days in was that just two just the second oh two days you bro you're going i know she's gonna just be head over heels for you soon uh all right al borland is here how are you doing al doing good what's up spitwads She's gonna just be head over heels for you soon. All right. Al Borland is here. How are you doing, Al?

Doing good. What's up, spitwads? Superman does good. That's right. We have a great show. Let's get to it. Would you rather? All right.

James from the website. Would you rather have your face on the $1 bill or the $100 bill? Interesting. I get it. I don't even have to think about this. If I had to guess your answer, Mike, I think you'd be all about the Benjamins. Well, Jason, it's about one thing. It's all about said Benjamins. Well, Jason, it's about one thing. It's all about said Benjamins. It's all about the rights.

Mike wants the 100. Yeah, no one's. Puff Daddy's not, or P. Diddy. Whatever his name is now. I think it's Daddy now. He goes by P. Daddy. P. P. Daddy, he's not writing songs. It's all about the

washington's because i need a pack of gum he's singing it's all about the benjamin because i'm out there making it rain hundos this was the case of like there have to be more ones readily used your face of course more distributed yeah i mean that's the thing is a you know leave it to mike the music man to worry about singing you know all about the rights uh but the reality is everyone has one dollar bills everywhere they're exchanged left right and center you are so much more in circulation on the one dollar bill i mean that's but it's too common like i see it all the time, and I'm just like, meh. It's not special. You forget that George is on there. Georgie Porgie, who cares? But do you respect George Washington more, or do you expect, you know?

Honestly, it boosts Benjamin Franklin. His Q factor is out of the park. I'm trying to find a way. I lean the 100. Yeah, that's right. I'm trying to find a way that the $1 bill is the right answer. I don't think it is. I mean, come on.

You still see hundreds. You know what I mean? I almost think there'll be more. The percentage of people with hundreds or ones, because of the fact almost nobody carries cash, I could see more people, I don't know, more often having the hundreds now. No, you're not wrong. And people are excited to see you. Oh. If I

open my wallet and George is there, I'm like, hmm. Can you imagine this mustache on a $100 bill? And you know how excited people would be to see that mustache? Yeah, they would. That's a hundred for me. You got to go classy. It's a hundo. Al, they would. That's 100 for me.

You got to go classy. It's 100. Al, are you with us? Yeah, I'm going that way. All right. Oh My Sirloin from Patreon. Wait, what? That is the Spitwad supporter on Patreon. Thank you for your support.

Their name is Oh My Sirloin. I thought this was an Omaha Steaks ad for a second. Would you rather have a scrawny looking bodyguard that can bench 350 or a big bulky intimidating bodyguard that is super

weak and would lose every fight? So this is deterrent versus delivery. But hold on. Is that his only party trick? Like can this you said that the scrawny bodyguard can bench 350. He could win the fight. He can throw down. Yeah, he can throw down.

He will protect you. Okay. This is would you rather have the big guy to hopefully stave off the need for a fight or the little guy who, look, he's going to be inviting. You're not going to have that protection of, that guy's got a bodyguard i'm staying away i mean look we're all super celebs uh super super and we'll be on the hundreds real soon we soon and we know what i'm gonna bring my bodyguard in here come on come on in no he's gonna stay over we talked about your bodyguard last week.

Yeah. Or a couple weeks ago. Who knows when that was? But it's one of those things where if you need a bodyguard, you don't want to use them, right? Correct. You want a deterrent. What? I want my bodyguard to be able to do something.

I want my bodyguard to be able to do something. A bodyguard, no matter how intimidating they look for certain people, the bodyguard is going to get tested. What percentage of bodyguards out there that are hired and used ever actually get into conflicts and fights? It's got to be so small. I'm going to say less than 1%. Less than 1%. conflicts and fights. It's got to be so small. I'm going to say less than 1%. Less than 1%. This is like the security system sign out front your house instead of paying the monthly

subscription to have it on your home. And I don't want to... If someone is not going to fight me... But it's the bodyguard. I know. The bodyguard's jumping in, man. Yeah, but here's the thing, i know the bodyguard's jumping in man yeah but here's the thing mike i want you to really think through this let's say a ruckus happens right and this guy comes through he's gonna punch your lights out and all of a sudden the big brutish monstrous bodyguard gets thrown out of the way by this guy because he's not actually strong you're still gonna look good at the end of this thing you know what i mean like wait what how am i gonna how am i gonna look good with my face bashed in i'm not saying physically i'm saying metaphorically like you're you know people are

gonna be like well yeah i mean he threw that bodyguard out of the way but now what happens if you know a guy's coming at you and this little scrawny guy's got to get your back because you can't fight your own fights and this little itty bitty guy is like oh thank you you you you saved me won't you let me let me put it this way if you put some like if you put connor mcgregor in baggy clothing he's gonna look scrawny he's he's not gonna look like someone who yes he. If you put him in baggy clothing, he will look scrawny. But he's not scrawny. So he's not the guy in this. I know he's not. But my point is, this bodyguard is scrawny. Yeah, this dude's Doug from Nickelodeon. Exactly. Oh, then it's even better. I'm going to try and get in fights all the time. So Doug

and his green sweater vest can just beat the crap out of people. You could bait people. If that was the direction you were going, that would be smart. I was going to say I want the big guy because if someone's coming after me, if I have the scrawny guy, they're coming at me.

If I have the big guy, they're going to go at the big guy first. They're not coming at me. Are they? Yeah, because they're going to... If you have the big guy, they're going direct to the source. if you have the scrawny man you got to get them out of the way they're going through the bodyguard first either way yeah they're going

through the bodyguard first either way it's just well they won't know that the scrawny guy's the bodyguard well until he jumps in front exactly okay look i'm taking the big guy element of surprise and here's what and i'm gonna start working out and taking Muay Thai. Oh, no, you are not, Jason. No, you're not. In this hypothetical world, I 100% am. I sure am. So if I get this big, weak bodyguard, I'm going to do it.

Because you say you're inviting fights so that your little scrawny bodyguard can show up. That's right. I'm inviting fights. fights so that your little scrawny bodyguard can show up. That's right. I'm inviting fights because when my humongous, studly bodyguard gets easily tossed aside and I come in and wallop my would-be assailor, oh, I'm going to look so good. Assailor? There's a sailor attacking you?

A sailor? A sailor. A sailor. That's the word. When Popeye the Sailor Man shows up. He could be a Navy man. I'll give him a one, too. You could be threatened by a gang of Navy men.

By a sailor. Did I say an assailor? You did say an assailor. An assailor is not a word. Is that true? Well, assailor is two words. I think the word you were looking for was assailant, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe all assailants are sailors, but not all sailors are assailants.

Maybe that's the way it is. To assail. A sailor. To assail. To attack violently. I was right. Hold on. Hold on.

No. Whenever you say you're right i still am unsure well then you're gonna have to get out that old dr google one who starts hostile action and that's right boom bam because i googled a sailor and it said did you mean a sailor? No. Apparently I can't spell. Spell it right. Now, an assailant is a person who physically attacks another. Then what is an assailant? It's an assailant. So they both work.

They both are the same. That's called a synonym. Is it? When they're that close together, that's still a synonym? Probably. I think it's called a mistake in the language making process. That's not on us. That's on them.

Stink, stink, stunk. Thank you. All right. Sandra from Twitter wants to know, would you rather have the ability to look at a person and see the worst thing that they have ever done or see the best thing that they have ever done? Come on. Oh done come on oh so wait this is like come on this is evil like this is morbid curiosity versus joy no it's not just that i mean if you're oh they're one of these has financial gain

that's well that's certainly blackmail what hey i didn't use that word i said financial gain but what i'm saying is if you could like i don't immediately when you're reading this question i'm like mike and i's eyes got big we don't want to know people's darkest secret i don't want that no i oh i do i don't want them to know my dark secret. Yeah. I mean, look, everyone has some skeletons in the closet. I don't want to see them. But here's the thing. That actually has practical value. Hiring?

Hiring? Sure. Babysitters? Babysitters? I'm going to know your deepest, darkest secret. Dating? If there's those of you out there dating, it'd be nice to know. And think about this.

What if they're deepest, darkest? You see a guy like me with a mustache like this, you want to know what's going on? You need that skill. You need that skill. Was there candy involved? I'm a lawman. I'm a lawman. What if you're in the dating scene, and that proves to be great, because their deepest,

darkest secret is like, they left the milk jug out. Yeah, that's possible. What if they're just this great person? On the flip side, and you see someone's, what is it, the greatest thing they've ever done? The best thing they've ever done. So, you know, they're a humanitarian. They're taking care of people.

They walked the old lady across the street. They donated, helped fundraise. What if the best thing you've ever done was like, really, really bad? Oh, that could be even worse. He beat Final Fantasy VII. That's the best thing I've ever done. Put away the ketchup.

That would be an indictment in and of itself. Yeah, that's just as good. Yeah, I think you got to take the deepest, darkest secret, but there are downsides. Oh, 100%. You are living in the smut that let me say living in a bad life the ability to do it is different than having it happen every time you see someone if yeah but how do you saw it right away i wouldn't want that how if you have the ability how are you not looking at everybody going i know what you did here's here's how because you'd get tired of it the only way the only way that you wouldn't immediately do

that is because you had a run of a hundred people in a row that have destroyed your soul because you looked in and saw and you're like i can't take any more people are the worst because here's here's the thing people are the worst worst. Yeah, they can be. You're going to have nightmares. And that's without knowing their darkest secrets. Yeah, we already know how bad people are without having those things exposed. Let me set this up for you, Mike, as an example. Now, Al, tell us the worst thing you've ever done, and then we'll see if it makes an impact on us emotionally or whether we could deal with it. Al?

My mic's not working right now. Let me fix it. Okay. Well, I guess we could handle it. You guys want to do some... But the thing about it is you guys are saying, oh, you could avoid it. But I feel like that's avoiding a mosquito bite it will just be scratching you internally of knowing you don't need to know that about everybody yeah but if you could know you would know i think mike's right if you could you could

not avoid it you would know and mike would crawl up to us in a month's time and say take this power from me for sure take it from my body i think if the question was my life is horrible i can't resist would you rather raccoon eyes and just tears coming down your face just mike why are you crying kill me if you could choose to either have that as you know your whatever superpower or not have any power i'm definitely taking the note i'm taking no power i'm happy with this life fair enough all right let's do some great questions that's a great question all right michael from patreon how closely do you think that the five second rule should be followed isn't it more of a five second guideline i think it's a guideline

is that decided at the governor level or the federal level it's federal that's that's a nation that is a nationwide guideline is the five second rule that doesn't go state by state everybody in fact i think it's a global i think it's a global thing it's actually a who recommendation yeah exactly i'm actually curious about that what would their recommendation be all of our listeners from the other side of the world i i want to know if the five second rule is in effect there if that's because everybody knows it here but like five second rule being something drops on the ground if you pick it up you got five seconds you know if you pick it up within five seconds you can you can continue eating it i want to know if the damage is done in the first second and the five second rule is

just an illusion and yeah you know it could be the 60-second rule. You got the same amount of germs. It certainly is. It's done. Five-second rule. This is not science. I mean, there are certain things you could drop that would probably get worse over time, like over the course of a minute. Like, sure, it could get worse, but once it's dropped. Like an ice cube.

Yes. Pick it up after three minutes. Here's the thing. I think the five-second rule is really just a way to placate your conscience based on ground type. Okay? Because you're not doing the five-second rule in a public restroom. No. You know what I mean?

You're not being like, oh, my banana. No, that's the one second five second rule yeah that's the no second rule that's no seconds but you know if you're in your kitchen and you drop something and you know it's like okay but like if it's on carpet you know just think in your house if i'm in my kitchen and i drop it i'm that five second rule's in play if it's on a plus you eat a lot of bananas in a public restaurant well where else do you eat them on the way out at the grocery store you stop it no it's a lunch break it

no trust jason the guy with the mustache is the problem not the banana eater in the all right so uh you're you're in this situation i am i i will openly admit i have a very double standard situation when it comes to food hitting the floor if i see somebody else eat something off the floor they're disgusting oh i eat something off the floor i've made a very educated scientific determination that it is fine, and it would be far more inconvenient for me to replace that item than just eat it. I'm curious where you guys are on your children, because with my children, it's a 50-second rule. If they drop their food, I don't care. You're eating that.

There's no time limit. You pick that up. You eat it. I don't care. That's because kids are more resilient to the disease. That's what we've decided. I'm building up their antibodies. i'm getting them ready for life this is for you this is for you eat that spaghetti off the carpet let me ask you okay jason great i

have a great hypothetical situation for you it's morning time your kids have been awake for who knows how long okay you you stumble downstairs on the kitchen floor is your favorite type of donut you don't know when it got there you don't know who dropped it is it just pristine does it look nice oh yeah no it looks it's perfectly fine it's just on the floor there ain't no chance that that's not entering my belly. I mean, that thing is done. There we go. There's no time limit. There's no time limit. I wake up.

You have dogs, right? You have multiple dogs that have been around. I mean, I'm going to look at the thing, right? Is it wet? No, you said it's pristine condition. Yeah, it is. It's a nice Boston cream pie. It could have been dropped a second ago.

It could have been there for 30 minutes. You have no idea. It's a full Boston cream pie? Boston cream donut. Your fantasy is getting better and better. You've been dreaming of coming downstairs to a Boston cream pie. Someone dropped an entire breakfast buffet.

I scooped the eggs, get some bacon off the floor. Watch out for the grease. It's slippery. There's no time limit. It's a floor. Flooring type matters 100%. What about outside? Oh, so... No, there's no time limit. It's a floor. It's completely to me, it's about floor. Yeah, flooring type matters 100%. So like a wet, soggy carpet.

What about outside? How do you feel about a sidewalk? A sidewalk? That one has gone back and forth in my life. I mean, it's got to be clean or dirty. It's a pretty clean sidewalk. In Arizona, I've always thought that, you know, the sun has killed anything dangerous on the sidewalk.

That's true. No bacteria can live on... has killed anything dangerous on the sidewalk. That's true. No bacteria can live on. No nothing can live on that sidewalk. But there's dirt everywhere. Yeah, you are eating dirt, and I acknowledge that. Yeah, eating dirt is probably not as bad as we think, right? No, eating dirt is perfectly fine until you get like a grit between your teeth. When you feel it, you go, oh yeah, I've made a mistake.

Have you ever bought the butter lettuce that's got all the dirt at the bottom of it? Do you know what I'm talking about? You can buy lettuce from the store that's already like a head that's got dirt at the bottom of it. So you can buy dirty lettuce at your store. That is correct. Where does lettuce grow,

Jason? Let me change the story. You're at your local lettuce farm, and you pull a head of lettuce off the ground. It probably doesn't matter that much if you eat a little bit of... I don't just chomp right in. You're not getting sick from that dirt. Do you pull the carrot up out of the ground and go, Mmm, delicious chomp. Let me get this dirt off, lick.

No, you don't try to eat dirt. I don't know where we got with this, but ultimately, five-second rule, should or should not be followed? I say it doesn't matter. It's all a matter of flooring type. Yes, flooring type matters far more than the time. All right, more important question. A great one from Jacob. At what time does sleeping become sleeping in that's a great

question i don't know how this is being presented but so we're recording this we're remote everyone's at home uh right now on my screen on the video screen am the middle. And I am so excited to hear the difference of opinion between Andy, who is above me, and I know what time Andy wakes up, and Jason, who I know what time he regularly wants to wake up. So sleeping in, the difference of this is going to be at least, I'm going to set the over under. Four hours? I'm going to set the over under at. I'm going to set the over-under

at four and a half hours. The difference of answers between the two of you. Between sleeping in? No. Sleeping in, Jason. Not what time you want to wake up. Sleeping in. Wait. Define that difference to me.

Between sleeping in and the time I want to sleep till. Well, over-sleeping. Yeah. Isn't that sleeping in and the time I want to sleep till? Well, oversleeping. Yeah. Isn't that sleeping in, oversleeping? Yeah. Okay. You don't have no liberties with your time? I have my answer.

Andy, do you have your answer? I think mine is a sliding scale based on when you went to bed, unfortunately. All right. Regular bedtime. Regular bedtime. Regular bedtime. Regular bedtime? Yes. Let's limit these variables. I've got the time in my head.

Jason, what is your answer? We can say it at the same time. Let's try that. Give us a countdown, Mike. Count us down. 3, 2, 1. 11 a.m. Oh, we're all out of time. What? Wait, what? Mr. 5 a.m. 11 a.m. Oh, we're an hour apart. What? Yeah. Wait, what? Mr. 5 a.m., 10 a.m.? Yeah, I said 10.

How are you sleeping in that long? I feel like a sleep in is like an hour extra. Well, I'm not no 5 a.m. I'm 6. You wake up at 6 a.m. every day, right? Okay, yes. Hold on. I wake up between 5.45 and 6.45. Are you still waking up at 6 a.m. every day, right? Okay, yes. Hold on. I wake up between 5.45 and 6.45.

Are you still waking up at 6? Well, yeah, my body's kind of used to it, so mostly. Okay. I can hang out and check my phone for a half hour in bed now that we're stuck at our houses all day long. But you're awake. But I'm awake. Yeah, my body just wakes up around 6, 6, 15 after 11 years of the children. Jason, what time are you waking up?

Oh, man. I would say... I know I send you guys Slack messages in the morning, and I don't hear nothing. Yeah, but you're in the morning, has a six in front of it every time. When I wake up and I check Slack messages... I send them at seven.

I send them at eight. I send them at nine. Yes, you do. But they start with a six so you know when did you get up on average over the last week i'm gonna say 10 okay so my sleeping in time yes what mike mike i'm guessing you're sitting around seven third i'm right in the middle i I'm at 8 o'clock. 8 o'clock? Oh, that's nice. Do your kids get up way before you and then you're able to sleep in?

Yeah, well, they, generally speaking. How much food and television do you have to give them to have this happen? The television is the problem. And this is me swiping an unlimited credit card that I think will never come back to haunt me. Pay to win. It's, oh, no. We'll just, I got to sleep. We'll let them watch TV.

And then they turn into monsters because they've been watching TV all morning. See, this is great. In my home right now, in this life, there is a routine Monday through Friday that starts that my kids are now good with. And it's all school-based. It starts at 8 a.m. So whether I'm up or not, they're there at 8 a.m. doing school. Our own?

Hold on. No, no, no, no, no. Hold on. We need an extra question. Jason, what time is your wife waking up? Yes. Yes. Reveal yourself.

Reveal yourself. Take off your mask. Reveal yourself. I will not. I'll just say I am the early riser. Oh, what? Oh, no. That was M. Night Shyamalan.

That went the wrong way. I'm usually the one up taking care of the kids. Mike, this is very easy math. 10 a.m. is Jason's average. You have Lord of the Flies in your house every single morning. Yeah, but they're doing schoolwork. My children would kill each other.

Do you live in completely different time frames? No, we spend a lot of quality time. But, you know, I got eight. You know that like 12 to 2 o'clock? Yes, that's the money. Do you wake up and have lunch

with your children? Yes, we wake up and have lunch with the children yes we wake up and have lunch with the children my breakfast is usually lunch oh this got out of control this quarantine has been i mean because you know look in normal life i was 6 30 a.m every day so it's gonna be hard for you to get off of this quarantine it's gonna be bad man it's gonna be bad hard for you to get off of this quarantine. It's going to be bad, man. It's going to be bad. Mike, what's your sleeping in time, by the way?

Sleeping in is 9 o'clock. That's what you would say sleeping in is? Yeah. I mean, sleeping in for young Mike is, I don't know, 2, 3 p.m. But, I mean, with you, my body has adjusted to waking up early. My body still doesn't wake up naturally at 6.30 or 7 o'clock, but sleeping in would be about 9. Al? I'm usually up at 6, 6.30, so sleeping in would be 8, 8.30.

He's my friend on Slack at that time of day. Yeah, I was going to say, I'm always the one replying to your comments on Slack at 8.30. He's my friend on Slack at that time of day. Yeah, I was going to say, I'm always the one replying to your comments on Slack at 6.30 in the morning. Yeah, because Al Borland lived a long life of waking up at like, what, 4? Yeah, 3.30 or 4 for about 15 years. And for the listeners, that is a.m. Yes. That is not, oh, he had a long life of sleeping in super late, so now he gets up early.

He is sleeping in late when he gets up at 6, 6.30 a.m. The hard part is... My problem... Go ahead, Al. I was just going to say my problem in current life is we have nothing going on in the morning, so we're staying up super late watching TV because, oh, we don't have to be up early, but then I still wake up at 6 o'clock. So I'm sleeping far less now than I would in a normal life. wake up at six o'clock so i'm sleeping far less now than i would in a normal life that's the the trap is i've you know you go on vacation or you have the kids being watched by somebody and you're

like oh man i'm gonna sleep in and uh i can't do it i just can't do it that is bad and really i've it took me a while to adjust um but not that long, not too long, less than a month. All right. Trevor from Patreon has a great question. He says that dad from 1950 is suddenly thrust into parenting in 2020. What is he going to be most upset about? Oh, that's easy. That's super easy.

Television, electronics. I mean, he's going to be so that's a very wide range jason i want you to narrow that down well is it a boy or a girl what's the kid because if it's a boy it's gonna be a dad from the did you hear the question i'm saying a dad of a boy or a dad of a girl both then tv it'll be okay because in 1950 TV wasn't what it is now. There weren't TVs in multiple rooms of the house. You know what's funny is TV, I feel like, was appreciated more in 1950

because it was so novel and people would sit around and literally watch it. We only think that because of Back to the Future 1. That's 100% what I thought. We have no idea. Is it really? Yes, because in back to the future they watch it together pull up the tv and like oh we we got to get this going and they're watching during dinner

that's that we don't know if that actually happened michael j fox said it happened so that's my historical facts i'm 36 i don't know what happened before me that's right um what would they be most upset about probably uh do you think dating do you think the way people date now they'd be that upset that's a good one because i mean probably but i feel like it just yeah because i my understanding my my understanding of 1950s dating is in millennial dating is that your parents introduce you to someone and you date them and marry them. That was how dating worked in 1950s. That's my historical understanding. Sounds easy compared to...

It doesn't happen that way anymore. No. No, it doesn't. You want to see that dad drop dead? Let him peruse tiktok for five minutes oh there you go yeah i'm not gonna go down the train of thought there bella from the website what movie did you start watching and then say forget this i'm not finishing this movie wow i have have you walked out of a movie theater because the movie's bad?

I have never, ever walked out of a movie theater. I think I have stopped maybe three movies in my entire life. You're a patient man. Well, I feel like I've started this. I've invested 20... To me, you have to give something at least 20 minutes a movie you got to give it at least 20 minutes to know if it's going to become something or not and at that point i've now given 20 minutes of my life oh you then you're pocket mitted i'm gonna see it through i

i'm a i in my heart i'm a collector i'm a completionist like i've it's just it's built into me that i gotta wait until the credits are up. So I've turned off so few movies, but the one that I know for sure I turned it off, there was a Jason Statham movie, and it was like a video game. It was one of those where they tried to turn a video game into a movie, and they always suck.

And you gave up on it? Yeah, I'll look it up while you guys talk about yours, but it was so terrible because I adore Jason Statham. Was that Hitman? No, Jason Statham wasn't Hitman. That was Tim

something or other. He was bald. That's all I know. Yeah. Jason, did you know that anyone can be bald in a movie? Yes. Yes. Special effects. Timothy Oliphant. I think that was Hitman.

So I'll look it up. Yeah. Will you guys talk about yours? I think that one that stands out to me, and I think I left. I really do. I hope it's the same one. It was The Happening. You left the plant movie man you had this you

had to see that car crash to the end i just remember hating it so much so if i didn't leave physically i left mentally in that's fair at some point and now i leave a lot of movies yeah because i fall asleep in the middle of your. Your consciousness leaves a lot of movies. If I had a Rotten Tomatoes-style website, it would be, did I see the whole thing? And it would just rate movies on what percentage that I saw of them. There are so many movie reviews where we will, like, Andy's like, I'm watching this. So the next day, I'm very excited. Andy, what did you think of the movie? Well, I didn't really like it.

And I have to clarify. Andy, did you see the whole movie? Well, I didn't really like it. And I have to clarify. Andy, did you see the whole movie? No, I fell asleep about halfway through. That is literally 70% of the movies, Andy. At least 50% of the movies you watch, you fall asleep to. Not the good movies. Just the bad ones.

No, those you still fall asleep to. You just pick them back up. Or the ones where I ate too much ice cream when they began. Jason, do you have any asleep you just pick them back up or the ones where i ate too much ice cream when they began jason do you have any that you can remember yeah so i know we've walked out of a couple movies and i i can't remember most of them sometimes we've walked out half because the movie and half because it's like we got better we just we don't have enough i just looked at the tomato meter of the movie so So I looked it up. It was in the name of the king, and it was based off Dungeon Siege somehow.

It's one of those ooey bowl movies. This thing is rocking a 4% on the tomato score. 4%. 4%. That is tough to do. That is tough to do to get that many people to dislike your movie. The happening's at 18%. Right.

That's 18% compared to four. That's a dream. That's a dream compared to your movie. So I watched about 20 minutes of this and I said, oh, this is not happening. I'm not wasting my movie or my night for this movie. The one that I can remember that we walked out of is a movie that was never made.

Indiana Jones 4. I did. I hated that movie so much. What do you mean it was never made? I think you two can both agree with me that there are three Indiana Jones movies. Oh, you mean, yeah. It's a good point.

It ruins everything. It is a phenomenal trilogy. Take. No. Come on. That movie stinks, Mike. When I saw that in the movie theater, I was sad. I entered a clinical depression for weeks because Indiana Jones is one of my favorite movie characters of all time. I gave it the appropriate amount of time.

I waited. I watched it at home. Oh, I've never seen it again. And I look, this is, this is not me endorsing the movie. I am not by no stretch of the imagination,

but I watched it again at home and it was, this movie is okay that's the best that's the best review i've ever heard of that okay i said i had a hot take no aren't there like aliens and stuff in that movie i don't i didn't finish the movie so i just was like you didn't finish it then for you to think it was that bad before you got to the last quarter of the movie is incredible because the last quarter is without question worse than the previous three quarters of that movie. There is you have to. I would do anything to have slept through that movie.

You have to allow that movie a lot of leeway. You know, and then it's okay. And you shouldn't have to do that with with indiana jones you shouldn't have to have any leeway no you should not you should not have to do that you are 100 correct jason yeah and so then we left and said this movie never was made that movie was bad let's draft The Spitballers Draft. All right. We are drafting existential threats to humanity.

Oh, what a great opportunity we have to focus on potential demises. Yes. You know, Mike has the first pick, Jason. Fantastic. I'm so happy about this. He gave us a special scat. Yeah, I think I know where he's going. Yeah, I do too.

But when you draft existential threats, I mean, it's hard to say the best of something terrible, right? Yeah, it's like, ooh, I love this. That can get a little bit morbid so we can go scariest existential threats there have been some podcasts that have come out about existential threats to humanity it's one of those things that's kind of uh on people's mind from time to time just to create what about movies are made it's how 94 percent of movies are made favorite what about your favorite i love it my favorite sure humanity let's say the favorite

existential threats because that at least spins it into like i'm i'm interested in this exactly all right that makes us so much better thank you favorite it also makes us a little bit weird but the most our favorite most fascinating existential threats. I'll say this. It doesn't make us weird because as Jason and I, we are connoisseurs. Love it. We are connoisseurs of disaster movies. And it's not just us. It's the whole world. It's the world and humans in general.

If you've got a national monument, I want to see that thing get knocked down. Oh, for sure. Just bam. It's blown up. It's destroyed. It's underwater. It doesn't matter how you want to see that thing get knocked down oh for sure just it's blown up it's destroyed it doesn't matter how you want to talk about bad movies now those are always bad movies but they're awesome they're so bad they're good was it the day after tomorrow oh it was so bad it was so great it was terrible awful bad writing acting. I loved every minute of that movie, especially when the disasters were coming. If you can put a tidal wave the size of a comet into the sky, then I'll watch the movie.

I want to watch that boat and not realize, oh, it's sideways. The wave is that big. The camera was sideways. This is crazy. All right. Perfect. camera was sideways this is crazy all right perfect my so the the if we're going in terms of my favorite existential threats then it's perfect because then my scat ties it in i'm going with skynet baby it's ai the robots the robots are coming to get us the singularity occurs they gain life they realize that they exist they do not have to

serve the master anymore and the robots have taken over and humans are no more i'm taking artificial intelligence that's my favorite existential threat yeah i mean we're only 10 20 years away from that so certainly we some of these videos of what robots are doing right now is just insane. Let's give them. Hey, Boston labs, take it easy over there. Yeah.

Slow down. One of the most reasonable existential threats that we'll get the chance to observe. Is that what you're. It, and, and 100, it could happen.

Look, I might be listing some things that may or may not happen, but AI is certainly plausible. Yeah. I think that's one of the ones at the uh top of mind for people the idea that computers become so smart that they create computers that are much smarter than us and yes we are not not only smarter but also stronger go ahead and arm wrestle a robot with hydraulic arms me or my scrawny bodyguard either either one that scrawny whoa whoa take it easy scrawny bodyguard he better be a robot then all right am i up you are up all right i was uh you know look the the robot uh wars are

gonna be a blast and so I wanted those. But if I can't do a robot war... Nothing like being upset somebody else drafts a different demise of humanity. Mm-hmm. If I can't get the robot war... You know, one of the cool things that the robot war will bring is whatever amazing weapons they can develop. But I don't think their weapons will be as amazing as my alien invasion. All right. From a whole nother galaxy coming in with lasers and phasers and.

Sounds like you know exactly what they have. Yeah. You're already very aware of their. Hold on. Hold on. Jason, if you could sum up Independence Day, the movie in, in one shot, which one is it? I would say Independence Day, the movie, is humanity. No, no, no.

Which shot in the movie? There's one scene. It's the White House blowing up. It's the White House exploding. Yes, it is. 100%. That's right. The ray coming down and the White House going.

If you have a national monument, I want to see it explode. Exactly. It's so weird how that's true. It is so true. It just doesn't. I mean, you'll fill the Grand Canyon with lava. I'll watch that. That would be so awesome.

That would be amazing. Okay. So wait, I have to pick two times. You sure? You get. Yes, you so wait i have to pick two times you sure you get yes i get to pick two times i will say this you know we we you know we looked before the the draft and you know there's a lot of good ones and but they run out the end of this draft might be a little rough well i am i am going to take a favorite existential threat from my entire life, which is an asteroid plummeting towards the Earth. I was hoping the meteor would come back to me.

Yeah, I mean, I grew up, you grow up with the dinosaurs and the asteroids hitting, then you get the movies. Was it a deep impact? Yeah. Those came out in the same year, right? The same summer? You get Armageddon, the movies, and what was it? A deep impact. Yeah. Yeah. Those came out in the same year, right? The same summer. Yeah, because they do their testing and they find out what people want to see.

Yeah. So I'll go with- You want to see national monuments get destroyed. It's the same answer every time. The survey always returns national monuments being destroyed. Can I get Mount Rushmore being blown up? Look, I just need to see the Sydney Opera House blow up. That's all I need to see.

So I will go with the catastrophic enormous, unstoppable asteroid. That Great Wall of China's toast. Oh, it's gone. That asteroid's going to take it out. And then I am having a hard time knowing what's better to pick.

Well, what's more favorite? It's not better. It's favorite. Yeah, these are our favorite ones. Oh, my goodness. Look, some of them are kind of tied together. Okay, well, then you need to rip them apart. I will.

I will rip them apart. And I will go with... No twos No two for one Two first yeah not here I'll go with the nuclear war Alright I push you

You push me I nuke you You nuke me We all living in our bunkers So I'll go nuclear war As pick number two All the three eyed animals coming out after the nuclear war. The cockroaches are the only ones alive.

Cockroaches and Twinkies. All right. No doubt, Mike. We got the asteroid. We got the nuclear war. I have taken alien invasion, and you have the robot AI overtaking humanity right overtaking humanity yeah oh man which way to go from here i i'm gonna take this because you're next mike with two picks because i think you would want it it's very pop culture don't do this to me it's fun and if i've got aliens like i'm going

fun i'm going favorite here oh don't i have one that i could swear that no one was gonna take but the zombie apocalypse okay all right yeah that one's mine all right i mean movies are great that's a mean thing to do to me that's a mean thing to do yeah so the movies are phenomenal they i mean you know it's like the thing about the asteroid movies right you had deep impact in armageddon they came out in the same year it was a good year for asteroids it was like asteroid pr firms were getting it done but zombie movies keep coming out and they're not going to stop because they're the best because they're the because they're the favorite you know there's i'm going to be honest there's no way that should have gotten through me i didn't even have it on my list i just completely spaced out on zombies i got zombies and aliens this is now is zombies having a lot of fun is zombies a real existential threat to humanity there are like if they showed up yes yes uh there

are um like zombie mosquitoes or something where it's like they they there's oh yeah no where they go infect the bugs yeah something weird yeah I remember looking at that and being terrified once upon a time. But, I mean, let's be honest. It'll be our own fault when we create the zombies. You know. Sure. But it will still be terrifying. Mike, you have two picks.

All right. I'm going to go. I've got. What was the one you were really one that you thought? I'm going to take it. thought i'm gonna take it i'm going to say because like and even though i know i have the last pick in the draft i just don't want to take any chance that one of you guys will get this i will save that for my second pick so number one i'm gonna go with uh this is something that we as a company on our slack

we have talked about it at length i don't know why it keeps going up i will take the super volcanoes exploding everything because yellowstone is just sitting there it's waiting to go oh it's way overdue mike way overdue yes yes exactly thank you and i mean you want to talk about asteroids the other time uh volcanoes they also had a great year with uh oh yeah dante's peak and volcano in the the exact same year so they also have a great year with uh oh yeah dante's peak and volcano in the the exact same year so they also have a great pr person as well and they're also super volcanoes are clearly they're they're everywhere we just don't know about them they're right under they're probably underneath you right now yes all right and then the one that I am fairly confident that neither of you would select, but I would just be way too sad if I didn't get it.

I'm going. The plug is pulled. The simulation is shut down because we live in a computer simulation right now. And whoever's running it, they just decide. Whoops. They don't even decide they just trip over the power cord and everything's gone we go into darkness that's right ladies and gentlemen we live in a computer and it's making the announcement yes yes i'm here to tell everyone

been told okay so what are your sources i've got sources, I've seen that existential threat pop up. That's right. It's called The Matrix. I saw that movie. What are your four selections right now, Mike? Well, I only have three. So I have AI, I have super volcanoes, and I have the simulation is terminated.

Oh, you were the first pick. That makes sense. All right. Okay, so it's back to me. It is. No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, shoot. Wait, what it's back to me. It is. No, no. No, no, no, no. Oh, shoot.

Wait, what were you going to say? Yes, it's totally to you, Andy. It's a little easier for me to follow when we're in the studio, apparently. Yeah, I guess it's fair. Apparently, I can't follow on Zoom very well. That's fair. All right, Jason. I'm disappointed, though.

Jason is up. I'm deciding between two here. I feel like you got a little bit of recency bias here i'm so i'm i'm gonna i'm gonna take it yeah i avoided it yeah i know but we're i avoided it like the plague yes we're gonna take we're gonna take uh the the the virus the plague 12 monkeys, as I call it. Yes, the 12 monkeys. I like that. I was going to say the virus, but I think the plague has such a better PR firm.

They've really spun things around. Yeah. So a team bubonic disease conquers us all. So you're going natural disease, though? Yes, yes. Okay, he's trying to draft as many as possible. Virus, pandemic, plague, disease. That is my one pick.

Virus, plague, pandemic, disease. That's not going to fit on the poll, but okay. So you've got a pandemic. Is that what you would say? Yeah, yeah, I'd say so. I'd say a global plague is a pandemic. Okay. It is.

All right. So your picks right now are zombies, global pandemic. Oh, the zombies pick. That's so upsetting. And what was your other one? And an alien invasion. Now, Jason, at the start of the draft, had I taken zombies number one, would you have taken robots?

100% robots would have been my first pick. See, I was put in a terrible position that I could not navigate out of. You don't get those two. Somebody tell me when it's my turn to pick again. It's your turn to pick. Maybe. Okay. Alright. And I have asteroids and nuclear war.

Alright. I'm going to go with a different sort of robot disaster. And that is the nanotech, biotech direction. All right. This is not AI, but this is we have chosen to make the mistake of inserting nanotechnology into our daily lives. uh it is a catastrophic disaster i'm gonna be honest with you man i can't wait to have nanotech in our daily lives and i know it's a mistake i know but i'm gonna be the first one in line i'm gonna be buying up all the

nanotech i could possibly get get me that consumer nanotech yeah Yeah. It sounds so great, man. It is exciting. You want to get some sweet, sweet 2020 Eagle Vision? Yes, I do. For me, I'm like, you want to go clear all this cholesterol out of my heart? Yeah, exactly. Get those robots in there with their little shovels. Take care of that.

Yeah. But once they get in, Mike. Then I get superpowers. Then you get hacked. I've read comic books. somebody hacks you that's right that's fair and then uh for my last pick man how would you fight nanotech i mean it's like you don't you lay down and you just go to sleep i think i'm gonna go with uh i think i'm gonna go with another ice age is that a fair pick okay climate change happened yes okay if you want to go climate change then yes yes 100 it swallows us up into another ice age like i'm trying i don't want to get political on the podcast but that's the number one pick because that's coming for us all. But it doesn't come. When you look at existential threats,

that's one that sits there more on a longer-term view, right? Yes. The aliens are going to make short work of us. That's why we had to say no favorite because unless somehow the day after tomorrow where we all start flash freezing because everything has accelerated. But yeah, the climate change, it's the tortoise. It's the tortoise in the race.

It's coming. The big, mean tortoise. But it's a really mean tortoise. It will bite you. Can I ask, how many things do you guys have left on your list? I have four. What? Let's see.

Did you need climate change? Would you prefer it? Oh, man. I have one, two, three, four. So we have between us, we have eight. How many do you have, Jay? How many do I have left? Yeah, you seem like you're in really good shape.

I had picks coming in. You know, it's always crazy when we go four rounds and everybody picks exactly what. They're all gone? All of yours are gone? All right. Remember before we started recording, recording i said does everyone have 12 well i'm taking the rapture i'm taking the eschatological in times that's fine no i'll allow it i will allow it if we're talking if we're talking favorites there you go boom there you go

eschatology dropping some knowledge well that was Well, that was a... I mean... Because I've only got one other one on my list, and it's so stupid. Oh, I can't wait to hear it. Oh, man. I want to hear it. We're back. All right. Mike's final pick.

All right. I have a pick on here, Jason. I can't... I want to hear what your options are, because I was out of options. And number one... Well, not number one. I'll take my pick, and then i'll explain why i'm shocked you didn't take this other pick because well maybe not shocked because you might view it

as a positive somehow global obesity it's gonna get us all sort of uh i will take the exploding sun i will take the supernova i forgot i was supernova. I forgot about supernovas. Did you realize that the sun will eventually run out and it will go away? Well, first go supernova. Isn't it pretty predictable or are we just waiting for it to go at any time at once? No, no, it's not at any time.

But it's inevitable. Yes. We'll be long gone from Earth by that. Yeah, us, hopefully not human beings, but it will happen. Eventually the sun will tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick And now we have entered another ice age. I'm going to bet it gets us. Yeah. I'm going to bet our son supernovaing. That's the heavy favorite. Yeah. You want to know why there's no movies about supernovas? Like, at least our son supernovaing?

Because the plot is over. There's no movie. You don't solve that problem. No, that one's just... All national monuments explode at once. Yes. The national monument called Earth. That completes our draft.

Is that right, Al? Yes. Good. I'm glad. I can't keep track today. Tell me what else was on the list because supernovas is one I should have thought of. I forgot. I had one like yours, Mike.

I had solar flares. Sure. Because they said that... That's how I thought of it first I had solar flares sure yeah as they said that's how I thought of it first solar flares then I was like but the Sun runs out and that's a threat to humanity that's even worse that's why we're trying to get off the planet eventually the one that I was

referring to for Jason was just a full on technological laziness where everyone just starts relying on tech and it turns into Wally a wally situation and we're all just blobs and eventually we die off because we have nothing left yeah i would i mean you know existential crisis or awesome future tomato tomato i see the only one that i had left on my list was the uh-oh was the extent extinction of bees because I always hear that when the bees are gone, everybody's going to die.

I've never heard that everybody's going to die. You've never heard that? You've never heard that? Not that we're all going to die if bees are gone. No, because they stop pollinating, so then plants start dying off. I mean, I don't believe it for a second. We'd figure out how to pollinate those plants. Look, that's a myth by Big Honey.

They're just spreading that out. Big Honey with all their money behind them. I just know that's popular. I always hear if the bees are gone, then we all die. I had a food shortage. Yeah, I had famine on my list it's not fun though no that's not your favorite none of these are that fun none of these are a real good time look a zombie apocalypse oh that's great bad time no no well hold on hold on are they slow zombies

are they running zombies no they, they're slow zombies. If you haven't pictured what your life is like in the zombocalypse and they're slow zombies of just like, what are you going to do? If you haven't pictured that, then we can't intellectually connect because I've thought about it so many times. You always have a little bit of a zombie plan in the back of your mind, if you're a respectable human being, of what you're going to do right the moment after. I know Al does.

Al probably already has a zombie bunker built. Let's go. I'm ready. Yeah. We're all going to meet at Al's. That's the plan. Oh, that's my entire plan. My plan in the back of my head is go to Al's house.

He's got all the equipment we need. Did you guys think about the large hadron collider and the fact that if they hit the wrong thing in there, they get vacuumed up into the black hole? It wasn't on my list, but you should have taken that one. It was between that one or the Ice Age. So I went Ice Age, mostly because in my vision of the Ice Age, I am riding a mammoth. I'm riding a mammoth, 100%. Because when the Ice Age comes, woolly mammoths will just be back.

They are apparently what brings the Ice Age. It will be them coming back that causes the cold. And then earthquakes, because somehow some big earthquakes. But that's kind of like the volcanoes. I mean, now our other producer, Judge Giamatti, has said he's always been ready for zombies to just give up to the zombies.

So apparently, if you can't beat him, join him. He will run and just jump into them. He's been ready. All right, folks, I'm done. Whee! It seems like a really stressful time otherwise. Yeah, you would be

stressed out. You'd be getting a nose. In the Zomboocalypse, there's a lack of apples. And if there's no apples, you can't eat his apple salad. I would just not want the process of becoming the zombie that's this most stressful part of because well what you don't know though because you're already dead no the process of becoming dead before that's fair you don't like the process of dying wait well

wait because no but if i die with an asteroid boom bam that's gonna be no no no that's the lucky ones that's the lucky ones that's what i'm saying but in the zombie you know in the zombie apocalypse i won't die that way i ain't going out like that all right let's figure out what we learn today uh i learned that an assailant is not just a man of the sea but also an assailant and i feel like we learned that more than you did you that's true i already knew it we learned that i learned that once again uh my words were correct well Well, once again, I've learned that while we are all staying at home, Jason's children are raising themselves.

Yeah. They are doing a great job. And I also learned that if an existential threat comes to this earth before 10 in the morning, Jason will be asleep when it happens. And apparently if the bees

go away I'm going to die. I didn't realize that. Oh yeah. It's true. Be kind to the bees even though they're trying to kill you. Alright. Thank you Spitwads for supporting the show. Head to Spitballerspod.com. Click the Become a Spitwad button. Submit your questions to the show. Support the podcast.

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