Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 97: Naked Wisdom & Favorite Fictional Sports Characters

Episode Date: May 4, 2020

On today’s show, we are giving out some solid Life Advice to those who need it most. Thankfully, they turned to the experts and their lives will, no doubt, be forever changed. We discuss topics such as exploring the ocean floor, living on a sailboat, changing our last names, and locker room awkwardness. We close out the show with a draft of our favorite fictional sports characters. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, before we start today's show, which from my understanding is... Any minute now. It is also the best show we've ever done. The best show we've ever done. We hear all the time... Oh, that was the best. That was the best show. How was every show the best show?

And we're like, well, hey, check this out. Here's how. Because of the Spitwad community. That's how. The Spitwads, you guys listening, supporting our show. You help us out. Go to spitballerspod.com and support the show. You can click become a spitwad. You get

early access to all the shows. You get the spit tank where we're going to answer your questions the way they should be answered. Tons of antioxidants? Oh, yes. Rejuvenating for all skin. Tons of medications. Look, if you have any kind of medical problem at all,

please visit spitballerspod.com become a spitwad there you won't regret it and we appreciate your support now on with the show what happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. It's my fault that I won't skip today with you. I hate to say this. I mean, it's a bad start. It's a terrible start.

Just saying, I mean, it's just really wasn't a scat. No. I mean, that's really where it went south is you began your scat without a scat. Well, we've started singing these things. It all started with Owl singing his in. And I remember that first time where he got all the love for that scat i remember thinking that's not a scat that's a scatting is not with words right am i wrong you can have a you can have a little bit of a uh like a

beep boop bop boop beep bop tone those aren't words pace to it you if you have if it sounds like a scat then he sneaks words in. Mike, you understand. Well, the situation was I think... That's a scat. I agree. Before the scat started, it sounded like there was pigeons coming in into the podcast.

I was getting people hyped. I was getting them all hyped. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast episode 97. Sound like Cardi B b working up towards the ultimate scat whoever has to scat on episode 100 i don't know but be warned like that's a lot of pressure i think mathematically we can figure out that i i don't think so oh it is oh. You're 98. I'm 99. Yes, it is, Jason. No, that's really easy to figure out, actually. Yes. But my recommendation is just wing it, man.

Just wing it. We have Would You Rather on the show today. Life advice. We've got a great draft. Excited to have you with us. Thanks for supporting the show at spitballerspod.com. Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, wherever you're listening to the show we appreciate you spit wads out there thank you for subscribing thank you for reviewing

we like to read those reviews from time to time review asaurus rags this one comes in by aust from Houston. That's neat. Oh, my gosh. I'm confused already. Yes. I believe it's from Florida. Oh, my gosh. Levels of funny.

Five stars. So I've been wanting to write a review for a while, but I haven't because I'm extremely lazy. But episode 93 was by far the hardest I have ever laughed at a podcast. The whole hour was belly laughs. I've never heard the, quote, I have nipples, Greg, comment executed quite so perfectly before. Once you start listening to this podcast, it'll become part of your weekly ritual.

I'd give it 10 stars if I could. Keep up the great work, guys. Thank you, Austin from Houston. Yeah, Houston, we have an Austin. Is that what oh i am disappointed i mean they don't they cap you at five stars but i appreciate the five conceptual additional stars it makes us feel good that's true or you could just tell your friend to give us five stars and then you add them together oh Ooh, yeah. Look, I'm no mathematician, but you can steal your friend's phone. That's right. You don't have to be a mathematician to steal things.

Wait, just subscribe. No. I recommended sharing the podcast with your- Steal your friend's stuff. I'm trying to get the show bigger, and you're like, no, just steal the phone and review the show. Steal things from your friends i think andy is including subscribing when you rate on your stolen friend's phone so in which case we are growing our our download numbers are taking off if everyone out there is

stealing a friend's phone and hardcore subscribing us on that phone giving us five that's great what's the difference between subscribing i think you can go into settings and you can be like, download the entire catalog, which sounds great. You're responsible. Each of you spit wads out there for 10 stars. I don't care how you get them. You could get,

you could steal one friend's phone and give five. That's how I do it. Yeah. That's better than 10, one stars. Yeah, I do. Yeah,

I go that way. Okay, let's get into this. Better than 10 one stars. Yeah, I go that way. Okay, let's get into this. Would you rather? All right, would you rather question from Lydia on Twitter. Would you rather eat only canned food for the rest of your natural life

or have to hunt and harvest all your food, but then you have a professional chef cooking it for you for free. Wait. I mean, come on. This is not hard. Would you like to enjoy every meal forever because it's perfect out of a can? Or would you rather starve to death because you can find no food to give your professional chef to make you yeah i i think it's very obvious the canned food is the the choice here because i've never caught or harvested

anything ever do you think you could like let's say we're on an island we're stranded no no no you're you're gonna die if you don't actually like and no no jokes here okay this is not a place for jokes no place for jokes but it do you too and i'll throw myself into this great question as well believe that you're supposed to be right now jason i'm in my bathroom i'm in my carpeted bathroom oh it's a carpeted bathroom oh my god i can't see the glorious no i do it was so luxurious i didn't think it was a bathroom i thought it was like a spa somewhere it does look really romantic the thing is is i was you know the only place i could find was my bathroom to record and of course that's bad acoustics so i put carpet everywhere oh that's smart sorry to interrupt you you were

asking me if i could survive no not if you could you could survive, because I know you'd die. But if you were on the island and you had nothing, you were just airdropped out of a plane, but somehow landed safely on your feet. Okay, you have a parachute. Could you catch a wild animal and and procure meat food uh is this an island filled with chickens i mean if it's an island filled with chickens yes uh if it's a are you have you ever caught a chicken i think i could catch a chicken yeah i'm not doubting. Even if it took me hours. Have you ever experienced

chasing a chicken and picking one up? Because many people are, including my wife, they're frightened by the flapping of wings. You don't know what a bird is going to do. The chicken is the grasshopper of the

birds. That's a good comp, Andy, because I totally know what you mean. You go to catch a grasshopper of the of the the birds that's a good that's a good comp andy because i totally know what you mean you go to catch a grasshopper when it jumps 12 feet it's terrifying you don't know where it's going there's no harm in it they're not gonna hurt you i i had a buddy growing up one of my best friends for multiple years he they had chickens they had ducks and so i i have i have tons of experience cornering a chicken and picking them up and i have no problem doing it i'm just curious if you've ever actually done it

i have done it many a time because at our two houses ago we used to have chickens and we'd let them out from time to time and when we had to get them back in the chicken run my goodness it was not easy it's doable and you can get it done i know you had eggs from those chickens yes did you ever have chicken from those chickens no no the one thing i don't i've talked about this with my wife before i i could hunt like i i could do that and some people would say that i've never done it but i i i think i could go through with it i I think I could shoot a deer, and I want the meat. But what I could not do under any circumstances, the process to get the meat.

The butchering? Yeah. Skinning? Exactly. Skinning. I mean, I couldn't de-feather a chicken in my wild. I could kill a chicken, but I couldn't take its feathers out while it doesn't feel.

I don't know how that makes any sense but it's the it's the honest truth i could never prepare just to be clear they would find they'd find you on the island dead of hunger next to dead chickens just you couldn't prepare to eat because i ate raw chicken that was my best truck i died of salmonella. Everything on this show comes back to raw chicken snacks. Yes. Now, just to rein it back in, you guys, this question is not you're on an island

and you have to kill an animal with your bare hands. So you can hunt and let's say your professional chef is also a butcher. Can I hunt on a big cow farm? Because I could do that. I can tell you right now uh owl my chef is boyardee okay because it just shocks me that this question is so easy for you guys it's really it's not for you're telling me that for you you would rather have to hunt and procure and harvest your

food rather than have it just done for you in a delicious canned product. Dude, have you ever had corned beef hash? It's freaking great. None of us know how. I think it would get old for your whole life. And I don't know. You could kill one big animal and eat for a while. You have no idea.

The same animal over and over. Meanwhile, Jason and I have unlimited amounts of food. Everything's in a can. Everything is in a can. Everything is in a can. Al Borland does not understand the variety that cans provide. If you want corns or green beans or whatever you want. It's there. I mean, your options are limitless.

I'm going to eat like a king for at least 10 years before I die of a heart attack. All the carcinogens. None of us own the weapon to do the hunting none of us know where to drive to do the hunting none of us could get said hunted item back someplace we are very much children that need our canned food i am not confident in my gardening abilities either okay i don't even think a vegetarian life's gonna save me here my carrot that i grow is gonna be an inch and a half long and it's gonna take me months do you grow one carrot you're not even planting more than one all of my carrots will be little bitty baby carrots at completion of life which is months down the road i'm dead i'm just look give me all the canned food i've been enjoying the canned food

life i'm gonna stick with it here all. I think we're all going that way. Chef Boyardee. Neil from Patreon, would you rather be able to explore all of the ocean floor or explore space? You will be safe and you will be able to breathe in both environments. This is a question for people? Space? How are you not in space?

Look, okay. Lay up. this is a question for people space how are you look okay lay up all right let's let's play devil's advocate here for neil because they always talk about how the the ocean is actually the last frontier of we we just we have no idea what's going on down there and and the deeper we go it's the second to last frontier might because space is literally the final frontier right there's a show all about that space i feel like the final frontier look that's a fictional show number one so these are the voyages of the submarine enterprise. I'm not taking my facts from a science fiction television show. The question is, you hear about how we've actually explored kind of more space than underwater. I've heard that. I guess I can't say for sure that that is true.

But I know that the deeper we go, the crazier stuff that we find down there. It would be amazing to be able to see and explore the ocean's depths because we've never done it. It has not been seen. Have you seen an anglerfish? They're like the ones with the lights that hang over their heads to trick other fish into swimming into their mouths? Yes, I've seen Finding Nemo.

I mean, come on. Everyone's seen Finding Nemo. I mean, come on. Everyone's seen Finding Nemo, Mike. No, here's the deal. I don't get my facts from movies. I don't get my facts from a fictional movie. He gets it from the documentary Finding Nemo. No, here's the truth. I started thinking about this, right?

Because you're right, Andy, this is completely up. Of course, everyone's going to pick space. Except that here's the truth. I started thinking about this, right? Because you're right, Andy. It's completely up. Of course, everyone's going to pick space. Except that's the wrong pick. It is 100% the wrong pick. This doesn't come with a warp drive. You're safe out there. You can go out.

I'm just saying. I can explore it. I have to walk to the moon? I'm not floating out there. You're going... Look. Yes, if I have to walk to the moon, Jason, I'm going to take the ocean. Well, I'm just saying there's so much space.

You know what I mean? In space. There's a lot of space in space. To steal a line from Dave Matthews, the space between... Oh, that was like your scat. Yeah. Also great. space between oh that was like your scat yeah also great um the the the reality is it's gonna be boring i think i mean okay let's say you get to the moon you get to mars walk around mars

okay it's it's novel you're on you're on this red planet i'm the first person on mars yes it's so cool that's right walk around and explore all the divots and all the dirt. And just, oh my goodness, this is so red. Now go where there's a place teeming with life. That could kill you. No, you're safe. Oh, that's true. This is the question.

Oh, if you're safe, I'm scooching over to Jupiter. I'm sliding down to Neptune and beyond, baby. I'm safe. Enjoy your vast nothingness. The ocean will be a whole new world that you can explore where things are happening around you and changing. And that's not happening in space. Like on a grand scale, of course, everything is happening and changing.

But like you're not, you know, you're not. So this big devil's advocate argument is this your vote then are you sticking by all this i am going to take underwater yeah i'll take out this one i'll take yeah because al said good luck finding a sunken pirate treasure in space okay guys let me let me ask you this i'm taking space let me ask you this who's the first person who landed on the moon who's the first person to touch the moon herbert hoover i'm asking like i'm proving a point here who is the first person that touched the moon neil armstrong who is the person who has gone the deepest in the ocean james cameron okay but that's like i know the answer it's james i think that's a that's a bad argument why is that a bad argument i knew the answer no no no it's not you jason i said it's a that's a bad argument. Why is that a bad argument? I knew the answer. No, no, no. Not you, Jason.

I said that's a bad question because, I mean, sure. It's not James Cameron, by the way. It's like saying, how do you want to be famous? It was James Cameron when he did it. Yeah, and then someone else has gone deeper, and you don't know who it is. That's because James Cameron is a leader of men. Mike is always about that glory. I'm just looking to explore something cool, and space is very unexplored and cool.

So I'm going to vote space. Jason and Al go. I don't want to go water. Dark bottom of the sea. You don't really go. I don't really go water. Yeah, I hope you have some good lights out there. Because the thing is, we've seen it.

And I know that we haven't explored the true depths, but we've seen it and i know that we haven't explored the true depths but we've seen it we we have seen up close and personal nothing in the galaxy in reality so let me let me try my best you know you know what's down there giant hideous monsters that are trying to murder you but you're safe in this question yeah wait oh oh you are safe and otherwise there's no there's no debate i think we know that there's not a lot going on down there like maybe there's some stuff we don't know oh the further down oh there's go the smaller these things are getting no there's little bioluminescent butt hairs someone's never seen the abyss yes giant squid another documentary from a movie what on earth the documentary the abyss uh taught me a lot about what's at the bottom of the sea it

might surprise you i love movies but as as someone who has seen a lot of them it it does become very blurry at a point the things where i remember them as factual information uh and only until i go oh wait i saw that in a movie yeah i have no idea if that's true or not and here's the thing what is deep down there in the abyss i just want to remind you all also directed by james cameron my man james cameron all right colin from the website would you rather add mick to the beginning of your last name or add worth to the end of it mick more okay so this is so either mick right or right worth Either McWright or Wrightworth. McMore or Moreworth. Where is Worth from? What country of origin are we talking about here? America.

It's not America. It is now. It's worth some. It's definitely some. It's got to be European. I'm assuming. I think it's probably. I mean, it sounds like it would come from British royalty or something.

That's what it feels like. Mick Holloway or Hollow Earth. I feel like your guys are very easy because Holloway-Worth doesn't work. No, it does not. It does not. Maybe you would pin that. It's Hollow Earth. But Mick Holloway, I don't know.

That sounds like... Is this question asking if we should become irish yes i mean well yes first off but also i mean it's like what sounds cooler to you you got to change your last name what sounds cooler to you dude mcmore is awesome mcmore is very cool i got the alliteration better though than moore's worth yes it is yeah more more worth i i rights worth mr rights worth i think right worth is the way that you go because mick right sounds mick wrong but right worth uh dr right worth paging dr right worth oh man you said paging dr mick dr mick right you have worth and you are Dr. Wrightworth. Paging Dr. Wrightworth. Oh, man. You sound so valuable. Paging Dr. McWright.

You have worth and you are correct. Here's the problem. The only worth I can think of is Mr. Duxworth. I know. Mrs. Butters? Oh, okay. Alright. Alright. I'm with it. I'm with it. Yeah, Mrs. Buttersworth.

The problem with the Mc is that even though we say it's associated with, like for us, it might be more associated with like a McMuffin. Did Mrs. Buttersworth marry the duck? Is that how she got this name? I'm just wondering, like, this could be a couple. This could, you know, hiding it, but I'll have to look into that. Yes. hiding it, but I'll have to look into that. Yes, I just

don't feel educated enough to give a proper response here. Well, you just pick what you prefer. I pick Mick Moore. I like Mick Wright. I'm about to go Mick Holloway. But here's the thing. Like I said, all I can think of is

Duck's word. All I can think of is Mick Duck. Oh, from can think of is McDuck. Yes, because it comes from a movie. No, it's Scrooge McDuck. Oh, from Scrooge McDuck? Everything comes back to duck. Everything. Well, most things in life come back to ducks. Yes.

Oh, my gosh. All right. Al, should we do another Would You Rather? Or should we move on to life advice? What do you think? Let's do one more. All right. Whitney from Patreon, would you rather spend the rest of your life with a sailboat as your home?

Oh, no. Or an RV as your home? Oh, no. Hmm. All right. Well, I'll have to bow out of this one, fellas, because would you rather spend the rest of your life horrifically seasick every single day or being a barv just driving around being awesome so you like rvs uh look the fact that i like where am i gonna sleep tonight oh yeah wherever i want to no you're gonna sleep on that tiny bed that's at the top, you know, that pulls down in your RV.

Sure. My father had an RV for a little while, and man, I couldn't imagine living in it. It's so small. Whereas on a boat, obviously just as small. On a sailboat, this is not a yacht. Well, no, there's large sailboats. I'm going to say that the living quarters are equal size here. but you can walk out on the deck and you've got everything yeah i mean there's a reason when i'm on a boat i don't feel like the reason on an rv is like oh i could drive my house i will die i'll

die on that boat like the odds of me surviving are insane okay okay i wake up in an rv and it's where am i gonna go today, I don't know. I'm going to drive through Oklahoma, maybe head down to Florida. I don't know. And you guys on the sailboat, what am I going to do? Oh, I'm going to look at more ocean. No, because you're not. Are you driving that RV to Hawaii, Mike?

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you taking a sailboat to Hawaii? Yes, I am. But you're on the sailboat. You don't get to go to Hawaii because you're on the sailboat. That's true. I do have to stay there. It's just your home.

You don't have to stay in your home. Right. That's just where you... So here's the thing, Mike. Okay. If we had either of these as our home, those are our home. We get used to them. The novelty wears off.

You are in an RV where you're not going to be like i want to go to oklahoma because who would want to do that but what on a sailboat i can i can go up the coast and have an incredible view and go from port town on weekends which one is the port and which one is the starboard jason? Let's test your basic naval education. Look, starboard is going to be to the right and port is going to be to the left if I'm looking at the steering wheel. Dang it. That was the correct. You had a 50-50 shot.

I had a 50-50 shot and I nailed it. Say it with conviction. Darn right. Of course I knew that. I'm going to go sailboat. That's my final answer. I think it'd be. Guys, you have to know how to sail.

I think that comes down. Well, I think it's implied. There's a manual. It's implied. They give you a little walkthrough. Yeah. They're like, pull this thing here. It's a Tesla.

It's a Tesla sailboat. Oh, Tesla makes sailboats. I'm in. I am in on. Well, then I'm in on the sailboat because the boat just goes wherever I tell it to go. There's not enough Dramamine in the world for you to be in on the sailboat, Mike. You guys are the worst. I'll be in my RV just jugging along.

All right. Let's give some advice. Spitballers to the rescue. RVs just seem like a lot of work yeah but i know i like i don't want to drive a giant thing on the road i don't want to have to find a place i agree i look i am not like i'm a good driver of my small car yeah when when the larger the vehicle gets the harder the driving gets the harder the parking gets i don't know if i'm up to driving an rv but 100 like right now you drop me on a sailboat i can't do anything yeah that's that becomes a sail float yes when i get a sailboat the first thing i do is i buy an engine and i turn that thing into a speedboat because I can drive that.

Maybe you just put some sails on an RV. That's another option. All right. Connor from the website. I have a friend that started dating his girlfriend four years ago. They're both 19 now. While he was dating this girl. Oh, come on.

No. While he was dating this girl. Oh, come on. No. His father met and started dating his girlfriend's mom. Oh, snap. What would you do if you were in that situation? Would you keep dating your potential future stepsister? Yes.

Oh, this is a great. This is important. That is unfortunate. But. Look, unfortunate. But. Look, shame on your. Look, I get that. I get that your father and whatever. The situation.

It's probably a little dire. Because if you're 19, that means your father is looking for love in this life. But come on, man. You can't do that. This totally normal if you just don't have the stepsister part in your brain what do you mean what no no no but but that's that you can't remove that that's there but that's a cool novelty trick that she's my sister did you just say it's cool yes because there's nothing wrong with it. There really is nothing wrong with it.

They're not blood relatives. They're not blood relatives. Tiger King would do it. They are step relatives, Jason. But they're post-step relatives. They're not step relatives from the get-go. He didn't meet his stepsister and be like, hey, you're looking fine. They were dating for four years.

You can't get in the way of the love of your father, and you're not going to leave because of a novelty trick. Imagine when you're doing the two truths and one lie thing at your work event. I married my stepsister. Boom. Imagine getting fired on the spot and lost my job but you did what i married my stepsister lost a lot of respect and a job that is i mean this situation is ridiculous this has to have this this has to

have happened oh like many many times because if I'm a father, right? And I go to work. There's no one there. And in my circle of life, I'm not in school. I'm not in college. I'm not going out to wherever you're meeting. Yeah, you might not have someone to meet. All of a sudden, you meet the mother of your son's girlfriend.

And you hit it off. And she's single. And you're single. And all of a sudden, love happens. Why do you get in the way of your son's girlfriend and you hit it off and she's single and you're single and all of a sudden love happens why do you get in the way of love mike why why do you hate love tell mike that's the question why do you hate love look this is not a matter of hating love this is a matter of finders keepers i was here first so then the son needs to say dad you're out yeah look it's no you don It's the first one married. First one to get married wins. The other one has to back out.

Oh yeah. The other one has to get out. You got to flip it. Are you, you wait, hold on. But what's the relationship? We've got to break this down.

So you're married. No, you're just marrying your mother-in-law. That's not a big, but it's your mother-in-law. Yeah. You're, which is the solution i've got the

solution the kids get married no the kids get married first the kids get married first because that's not your stepsister right you're not marrying your stepsister okay and then afterwards the grown-ups get married because the grown-up can say i married my father my my son's mother-in-law that making the daughter the stepsister no but you didn't marry the stepsister that's true it would be one point of deniability on this exactly twisted messed up i did not marry my sisters i mean what happens mike what happens let's say you get married and you're married to this woman right you all right you you mike are married to your wife and all of a sudden years 10 years, and all of a sudden, years, 10 years from now, all of a sudden, tragedies happen, and love strikes, and your father and her mother get married.

Now you're married to your stepsister, but you did nothing wrong, and love should prevail. No. Can we not give advice? Is that an option here, Al? I gave the best advice. Kids marry first. Parents marry second. Jason, our Mike went finders keepers.

Parents don't get to marry. I think it's a race. Whoever got married first, the other has to back out and run away. That's what I'm saying. I'm with that. All right. Chris from the website has hopefully an easier question. I worked at the same time. I work easier question. I worked at the same time.

I work out. I work out at the same time. I work out at the same time at the same gym every day. Sorry. After my workout, I shower and head back to my locker. Oh, this is not trending. You never want locker room workout stories. Roughly half the time I'm greeted by the very same elderly naked man that wants to chat

seemingly oblivious to the awkwardness but he seems like a smart guy with some great stories what is what is the best way to soak up some ageless wisdom but minimize the amount of time spent conversing with an old naked man oh oh chris i think we've all been there have we all been there one look one thousand percent i have never been there okay then you have you have clearly never experienced he's never been to a public gym that's what you've never been to a public gym i've never been to a public gym okay yeah that's exactly our point being part of a public gym requires this experience no no no it does not require it's just part of the experience part one thing like it like you can you can have a list of things you know for sure about elderly men and on that list is they have no shame walking around a gym

locker a public gym locker room with nothing on below the waist. They'll happily wear a t-shirt. They will Donald Duck this situation. They'll Donald Duck or they will go full nude. It's true. They don't care because I've had- You're old and you don't care. I've had the gym memberships. I left my towel in the sauna.

Let me go get it. I've had the gym memberships. I've been in the locker room and it is... But now here's the thing. I have not really conversed. I mean, you do the keep to yourself. So this is taking it to another level.

Smart guy. He's got great stories. He's got wisdom. Okay, so I'll pose it to you, Jason, because I can say that I've never experienced experienced it i've never had said dangly man trying to converse with me in the gym locker room have you ever experienced that i've had passing words more like uh casual greetings like hey you know i was going those type of things. Look, I would say... Will you deepen your voice a little bit to get through it? No, that was him.

No, I thought that was you, like... My response is a head nod. How are you doing? My response is a head nod. It's one of those... Oh, you're naked, are you? Look, I have responded acceptably to your how's it going comment with a head nod.

My head nod and my silence says, not here for the chat. Look, I would say the low-hanging fruit here and i yeah i would say the low-hanging fruit here is you get ready towards your locker you you do that but you can you continue to converse because you want to hear these great stories from this wise man but if you are talking and your back is to them you're not rude if your back is to them and you're not talking it's rude how naked are you no you're you're a look you're a middle yeah i'm i'm i got my towel on i will shower in my underpants i'm putting my i'm putting my boxers on under the towel have you done that mike i've never showered in a public gym. Oh, you haven't?

You skipped the old shower. And no judgment, no shame on those who have to do it. I've done it a hundred times. Are you the old man in this story, Jason? You're the old man. Look, I've got great stories.

Let me tell you. Look, Sonny, I out great stories let me tell you my stories are great i've got some stock tips for you how do you not listen if an old guy oh he's trying to give you stock tips how do you not listen even though you can't look at him oh man uh what's the best way to soak up some ageist wisdom? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I say you talk with your back to the man. I skip the wisdom. You skip the wisdom.

I say you converse with your back to him. Get ready and leave. Oh, just the stock tip. All right. Nick from Twitter. I've been dating my girlfriend for almost a year and have never addressed her parents by any sort of name. Mr. and Mrs. feels too formal. Addressing them by first names seems disrespectful.

What should I do? Also, what do I call her aunts, uncles, and grandparents? This one's easy. How have you been dating someone for a year and you've never addressed their parents? Well, it's the fear. They don't know. This is why they come to us for advice. So you just say, like, when they talk to you, you go, hey.

They don't want to be too casual or too formal. So instead, they've looked like an idiot the whole time. Hey, you. Hey, you. That's what you go with the whole time hey you hey you that's what you're going oh hey there you are this is this is based on relationships first of all you throw out the the aunt's uncle's grandparents they're just first name those are just first names those are those are though they might as well be straight great great great the parent you you just let them correct the formal that's what i do let them correct the formal. That's what I do. Let them correct the formal. Oh, that's good. You just say, Mr. Moore.

Oh, no, no. Do you call me? Mr. Moore's my dad. Call me Jason. Oh, so you start at the very formal. That's what I mean. You start at formal because it's perceived as respect. You start at informal.

It can be perceived as disrespect. And if they don't want you to be formal, they'll just correct you one time and bing, bang, boom. Let me ask you guys this. And this is like everyone is very different. Everyone has a different answer. And I don't think there's be formal they'll just correct you one time and bing bang boom let me let me ask you guys this and this is like everyone is is very different everyone has a different answer and i don't think there's a right or wrong answer when when kids are talking to you do do you like being called like mr holloway or do you or is it are you fine with andy i am a kid talk to you jason same question for you i am 100 oh i didn't realize this was just for andy i'm so excited to answer the question well you weren't you started button

in before i could finish my question well because i love the question and and i'm 100 fine with with either but when a kid addresses me as as mr moore even mr oh my father's mr moore do you give him that one oh no i love it i just honestly the kids that I know that have done that, they're actually really – No, it's not about me. It's about the kid. I don't feel like, oh, I'm something fancy, and they think I'm Mr. Moore now. It's like that is a really respectful kid who – And every kid that I've ever known that has called me Mr. Moore,

because there's not been a bunch, they've got good parents. So I'm all about that kid using the form. It does reflect well on the kid, just like it would reflect well on the boyfriend. Did you do it, Jason? I called every single grown-up was Mr. or Mrs. I called all the grown-ups by their first name, including teachers who didn't like it. Teachers? Oh, no, who didn't like it. Teachers? Oh, Kim was.

Oh, no, not in a school situation. In a school situation, it was Mr. or Mrs., depending on their name. Not one time did I call a teacher by a first name. No. I honestly don't know. I didn't do that either. I honestly, my high school, I think I had her two different years for two different English classes. Kim, I don't remember her last name.

I don't remember. She was wonderful. Great teacher. This is your stepsister? And so, you know, I like that. Here's my tip. Because you're right, Andy. You start with the formal.

You start with the formal. Because if they correct your informal, they are saying that you are being rude. Oh, that's trouble. If they correct your formal, they're saying, hey, I love you. But here's the way, if you want to go with the first name, you do it with the hug. You know, if it's Kim, you say, oh, nice to see you, Kim. And you embrace. Hold on.

Okay. Is that what you did with the teacher? Yes. Okay. Well, that's a whole different. No, no. I did not hug. All right.

Okay. Okay. But what kind of hug do you? Okay. You are the one who is opening up to the hug. Is this, I'm going. This is full bear hug. My bird wings are spread.

I got two hands. Or are you offering hip and one arm? No, because that can be rejected. The side hug is easily rejected. So you're suggesting we don't social distance anymore. That's what you're suggesting. Well, I mean, yeah. As life moves on, a nice big bear hug is great.

I mean, you can give it. How about this? How about get up and hug your laptop on your zoom screen and say it's so nice to see you kim you saying it i'm not a part of you calling your teacher kim i don't know kim and i feel awkward with you doing it i do too it's too. It's triggering something deep inside. It feels like you are betraying the organic relationship between child and adult. I wish I could remember her last name.

Kim, if you're out there and you're listening, find a way to contact me. I don't remember your last name, but you are a great teacher. You once sent me to detention for a very awkward moment. Oh, I remember that. That's a great teacher. You once sent me to detention for a very awkward moment. Oh, I remember that. That's a good story. That's not on here. Al, should we get into the draft or we got time for another? Let's get into the draft.

All right, let's do it. The Spitballers Draft. Oh, it's just so much easier to start formal. You're so respectful then. Think about how Jason feels. That's how you make them feel. That's how you make them feel. Really good point.

So for you guys to answer the question, do you feel that too? Do you feel like if a child comes up and says, Mr. Wright, Mr. Holloway, do you feel good, like they're respectful and they look at you? I feel a little bit weird. I've never had a kid do it, ever. What? Yeah. Wow.

No, that's not true. They don't respect you. I get it. I've had a couple. I've had a couple. It makes me feel old. It makes me feel like I want to drop to, no, my father is Mr. Wright, even though my father was never that.

Here's the truth for the last five or ten years i really like it ten years from now when i'm actually getting into my older years i probably won't like being called mr because then it implies old instead of implying respect doesn't make a difference if it's Mr. Jason or Mr. Moore? Mr. Jason's the informal. Mr. Mike and Mr. Andy and Mr. Jason. That's nice. I'm not going to change a way that

a parent wants their child to call but that doesn't bother me. Do you teach your kids to do that? Do you teach your kids to address other kids' parents? Oh, my kids are like what's hey bro that's my kids i have such respect for the parents who teach your kids that and you asked that question andy and i just realized i've never never taught i have no

respect for myself as a parent i have not taught my kids to do that i should thank you i'm gonna make a note here teach my children it's funny how there are things that we think we would we would like our kids to do but we don't think about like making them do it because you just said how it made you feel and obviously the kids could do it and that would be a form of respect but i don't think i've ever taught that it's different now though it's those little turds got bad parents 20 years ago there you go all right we are drafting favorite fictional sports characters so we're picking movie characters from sports movies our favorite fictional sports characters this was a suggestion from

well someone out there i don't remember it's a good twitter it could have been twitter it's a good idea i have i just like that you brought it up and you clearly i know i had no idea i wanted people to understand that we take their ideas like we don't just come up we do for my first pick i select i have no idea what i'm doing here i I have no list of players. So Jason has the first pick after that sensational scat. I have a

huge list of... Apparently, I love sports movies. Tanner Co. Tanner Co. Tanner Company? Yeah, it was the Tanner Company. They make the beds that... Big Tanner. Tanneries are really taking off. company yeah it was the tanner company uh they make the beds that big tanner yeah they uh they

make you tanneries are really taken off i've got most of my stocks in tanneries i have ordered a tanning bed uh okay i hear those are really good they're the same thing they're totally the same as yep all right so favorite standing a hide as tanning a hide they're identical uh which you couldn't do because you couldn't get the hide off of the meat. We already established that. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay.

So, Jason, you get the first pick. There are so many that I want here. I regret having the first pick. I wish I had the third. Mike, I think you've got the best spot because you could... I'm pretty happy with my position. There's a run of characters that I really want. One specifically that I'll be so upset if you get.

I know who that is. Don't make the wrong pick, Jay. Well, I mean, look, at the top I think that there's an obvious pick, and I feel obligated to take it. No, no, no, no, no. Jason, take your favorite. Look, I love this character.

Is he or she really your favorite? He is not my 101 favorite. He or your favorite he is not my one-on-one or it he or she or it is not my one-on-one favorite so no however you still have to play the game you have to play the game because i know that some of these guys can get back to me this one won't and i do really love the rocky movies so i think when i look here, I'm going to take Rocky. I'm going to take one of the most iconic sports. How many fake made up characters have a real life statue? Yeah, he's on the list. Let me ask you guys this, and I will reveal for me.

Jason, you just selected Rocky as your first favorite fictional sports character. How many of the Rocky movies have you seen? Also, how many Rocky movies are there? I've seen all the Rocky movies. How many are there? So let's see. I think they made. Port or Starboard.

Now. No, this isn't a 50-50 because there were a lot of them. The first three were excellent. I think they made. I'm not going to count Apollo's. i remember four five and six um and then i think they made a weird seventh movie that was not it was kind of like indiana jones four um and then of course the the creeds the the apollo yeah so how how'd i do mike uh i will tell you the truth. I don't know. So you're taking Rocky Balboa, which is

obviously an iconic and great picture. Wait, is that true? Yes. No. Yeah, it did. It did? Yeah. It was a great movie. Wow, what a bunch of crappy movies came out that year. Because I'm not... We're picking favorites. We're not picking like, my four guys have to play a game against your four guys or something like that.

That is correct. That is correct. We're picking favorites. So the problem is Mike here. Because Mike owns in on certain very specific characters. That is true. So it's killing me a little bit, but I'm going to get. That is true. So it's killing me a little bit, but I'm going to get...

That is true. All right. I'm just going to go with my favorite. I have to interrupt you real quick because I just want to keep myself honest. It looks like I was one off. Is there eight? No, the other direction.

Oh, there's only six. There were the original five, and then there were six. Yeah, the Rocky Balboa, and then the Creed's. Okay, go on, Andy. What's your pick? I am going to go with...

At the number two spot. Already tilting. You know what? I'm going to change because I think the other guy is going to come back to me. I'm going to go with Gordon Bombay, head coach of the Mighty Ducks. He's on my list. Favorite kid. I'm worried about him getting through Mike.

So I'm going to go Gordon Bombay, head coach of the Mighty Ducks. That's a fictional coach of the 90s. Let me put you at ease. He was not in my top two, so he would have made it back to you. That does not put me at ease at all. That makes me sad. Oh, I apologize. Dang it.

He was trying to put you at ease here. Oh, man. Al Borland says that was a great pick. Oh, no, but it's a great pick. He's on my list. All right. He might be top three. I think my other will get back to me.

So you got two. So number one. This is where I'm scared. I draft this movie every single time I get a chance. I will take Happy Gilmore with my first pick because he is the best. I'm fine with that. You're wrong. Yeah, I'm comfortable.

He's my favorite fictional sports character. Now it gets a lot tougher because there are many guys. There's one I have to have. Look, here's the problem. You're not kidding me, Jason. No, here's the problem. I know who it is. I know 100% who it is i know 100 who it is and and i look jason i'm going to dm you

right now okay all right or actually no no i don't even need to do that because i'll just say like this person is above the law that's that's all i will say about this person uh he's on my list but that is not the one oh okay okay okay all right. Okay. All right, Mike, you have taken Happy Gilmore. I will take the person that I wanted to be my whole life, and this movie is still sensational. I will take Henry Rowan Gardner from Rookie of the Year. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Okay. Yeah, that's good. Where you get the superpower. Yes, I am a child. Some freak accident happens, and somehow I get a superpowered arm, and now I'm pitching in Major League Baseball at the age of 12 or whatever, how old he is. All right.

I am going to go with Show Me the Money. Oh, it's good. I love it. Rod Tidwell from Jerry Maguire. I know Jason wants it, but he's not even on my list. The fictional Cardinals player from one of the greatest sports movies ever in Jerry Maguire. So Rod Tidwell. It helps that he was also in a fictional Cardinal universe.

That has to weigh in. Because that does weigh in. But he is one of the most iconic sports movie characters of all time. So I'm very happy to have Gordon Bombay and Rod Tidwell. I would not have drafted Tidwell this draft, but he had to be on my list because as an honorary member,

the fact that he was a Cardinal and in one of probably my top 10 favorite movies all time, I think Jerry Maguire is a masterpiece. I really do. It's a great movie. And that movie had so many lines. Show me the money. Oh, this is great. um okay so i'm here and here's the pick i didn't want you to take and i actually i was happy when

you took happy gilmore because i thought it would preclude you from taking his best sports character of the sport we love come on bob and boucher kidding me? The Waterboy is the best sports character. I almost took him with the 101. Here I am in the second round. You are sitting here in front of God and country proclaiming Bobby Boucher is a better character than Happy Gilmore. I think you're both crazy. To pick a comedy character. Well, no, I went with Gordon Bombay.

Go on. But mine's inspirational. Yours is inspirational. No, the Waterboy. Look, first, it's football versus golf. Which movie is better? He's a hockey player, Jason. Sure.

Okay. He's a hockey player. Same thing. I don't care. Football. But the Waterboy character is so good. See, that's who I wanted to be. You wanted to be the rookie of the year.

I never loved Waterboy. Oh, rookie of the year. Yeah, watch it again. The problem is me drafting Henry is just I wanted to be. He's not the best character in the movie. The best character in the movie is Daniel Stern. I don't even know what the guy's name. All right, so for my second pick,

Andy's going to love this based on the fact that he was like, oh, you guys are picking comedy, guys, because Ricky Bobby. Ricky Bobby is absolutely. He is on my list. When you talk about great comedic sport athletes and movies. That movie is great. Happy Gilmore, Waterboy, Ricky Bobby.

That's the trifecta at the top. So now I've got Rocky. See, this is why I played the game. I played the game because I wanted someone so serious, so inspirational, so world-changing. And I've got that. And so now that's out of the way. Now I can go with my loves.

So Ricky Bobby and the Waterboy oh boy yeah we should point of clarity we made sure before this draft that we were drafting fictional correct sports characters yeah we're not picking otherwise like i'd be taking michael jordan from space jam or something or we'd be taking rudy rudy was a real character uh We brought up some of these other ones. We have seen the damage that Michael Jordan does to drafts. Yeah. Like you draft Michael Jordan. Oh, I thought about it.

He's the December of months. Just shut the draft down because it's over. So it's back to me? Yes. I'm going to go Daniel LaRusso from Karate Kid. Okay. All right. The Karate Kid.

The Karate Kid. Yeah. That's what you want to call him. That throws a wrench in my plan here at the turn. Oh, because you were going. Because now I'm the follower and I was going to take the other character. Yeah. Wait, which one?

Because- Miyagi. Okay. That's who was on my list. I didn't know if you had the bag. I wanted Miyagi. 100%. I wanted Miyagi.

Yeah. Yeah. You could try to take the second option. That's cool. Have you watched the movie? He's kind of a loser. Daniel's just... Of course I've watched the movie. He's a whiny little baby boy.

It's where you end up. And when you end up as the inspiring character... Look, Rocky had his ups and downs too. That's true. It's where you end up in the inspiring character. Look, Rocky had his ups and downs too. That's true. That's where you end up in that last crescendo of music. Rocky lost at the end of Rocky 1 for the reminder. That's true, if he dies. So I'm taking the Karate Kid as my third pick.

All right. Well, that throws a wrench in the old plan here, so we will have to pivot a little bit. But we are taking our favorite fictional sports characters. So with my first pick, I will take White Goodman. Oh, yes, that's so good. It's on my list. So good.

I will take White Goodman from Dodgeball. He's so funny. Because he is simply the best. Now, here is where I am in quite the pickle. Because I have two characters. Nay, I have three characters here. Oh, my gosh. Andy, you put me in a really bad position here.

That's all I'm trying to do. Going with this. Well, I mean, you put me in a better position for the drafts because you took the inferior character from the Karate Kid. Sure. You can still take him, man. I'm not. But I don't. All right.

I will take. Oh, and here's my other. i will i'm not trying to stall but here's the the third problem is one of my characters that i want to take i had to look up his name because i don't i don't know the name of the movie character even though i could say the actor in the movie and you guys will go oh yes i have that is a great pick i have one on my list that is the same thing i wanted that character that character meant a lot to me growing up and yet i couldn't remember the character's name you know but you know the actor in the movie oh absolutely and when i wrote it down i'm like i can't i can't pick him because when i say the name to you guys you guys will

say who and everybody would say who because i don't recognize the name at all and i watch this movie like i don't know 15 times i take it And I watched this movie like, I don't know, 15 times. I take it back to two of the three characters. I want to draft have terrible, terrible. Oh, oh, I've just figured out how to change this. I will draft Teen Wolf. I'm not drafting his real name. I will take Teen Wolf.

All right. Okay. Basketball. Because Wolf. All right. Okay. Basketball superstar. Because apparently his name is Scott Howard. Yeah. No one remembers that his name is Scott. He is the Teen Wolf. Yeah.

That's why I drafted Karate Kid. I mean. Well, no. We all know. We know Daniel's son. But I'm just saying. We know Daniel's son, but we don't know. What's his Daniel?

Daniel LaRusso. Yeah. I think I knew that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm just saying. Teen Wolf, baby., but we don't know. What's his Daniel? Daniel LaRusso. I think I knew that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm just saying. Teen Wolf, baby. Let's go.

You can take Teen Wolf. I took the Karate Kid, and now it's back to me. Yes. And I will, because you have forced my hand. Apparently, you all grew up in love with the comedy characters, not the walk-off home run characters. So I have to compete with you, which means I have to take Shooter McGavin. Oh, yes.

I'm going right after Happy Gilmore in this one. You should have taken Mr. Miyagi, Mike. Your two teams could just split the votes between Karate Kid and Happy Gilmore. Yeah, so I'll go Shooter McGavin from Happy Gilmore. I wish we went like four more rounds on this. What's such a wonderful enemy for Happy Gilmore? Let me ask you this. What's that actor's name?

Oh, who knows? Shooter McGavin. Yes, that's right. The actor's name is Shooter McGavin. And he's like a super well-known famous actor. He's in tons of movies. That's on his IMDb, though. His name is Shooter McGavin. And he's like a super well-known famous actor. He's in tons of movies. That's on his IMDb, though. His name is Shooter McGavin. When you watch a movie and you watch

the credits at the end, you're like, there's Shooter McGavin on the credits. That tells you you made a good character. Yeah. He was great. Alright, so look. I'm sitting here as the happiest little boy that i could ever be because i pretty much got if not my i mean i might have got my top four i think i'm i'm

getting my top four here's the name that i had no i do either of you know who billy hoyle is yeah that's the response i expected but woody harrelson from white men can't jump the character there was great but i didn't remember billy But Woody Harrelson from White Men Can't Jump, the character there was great, but I didn't remember Billy. All right. All right. So I'm the last pick. Is this correct?

That is correct. The draft is over here. I already know who I'm taking. So I'm going to roll through some names on my list that I'm not taking. Willie Beeman. You got Jamie Foxx from Any Given Sunday. That was great. Benny the Jet from Sandlot.

He's not the good character. Yeah, it's hard to pick a Sandlot character. I know because they're all good. But, you know, he's the catcher, whatever his name is. Ham. Ham. Yes, exactly. He's the best one in the movie.

Is he testing picks out right now? Is that what he's doing? No, no, no. I know my pick for sure. Donnie Henson. right now is that what he's doing no no no i know my pick for sure donnie hinson i'm i'm i'm taking our listeners through a sports history fake lesson here dotty hinson a league of their own although wait was she real i can't remember if that i don't think so no it was based on a true story you could have gotten a major league character too yes uh so so many drafting wild

thing uh i am not drafting wild thing shane fal, if you want some Keanu Reeves in here. But look, the one I'm taking is the one that you thought I might take with the first pick. Thought I was going to take it with the second. You're welcome. How did it get back to me? Big Earn McCracken? Are you kidding me? Yeah, I know.

It pains me. But I like Teen Wolf better. I mean, to get him from Kingpin, you know, I almost want... It's like, do you go Roy Munson? But Big Earn was such a good... No, you do not. What? Roy Munson? You take Ernie McCracken, man. I mean, it's just wonderful. This draft went way differently

than I would have imagined. Had it not gone that way, like Roy Hobbs from The Natural would have been at the very top of the list. That movie's incredible. What? You could have gone Denzel's character from Remember the Titans, the coach, Herman Moore. Here's the guy that, when I was talking about the characters, is Jimmy Dugan. Do you guys recognize that name? Hold on.

Jimmy Dugan. I don't. That's Tom Hanks in League of Their Own. Oh, yes. And he is so good. There's no crying in baseball. He is so good in that movie. But Jimmy Dugan has no name value.

That movie is a national treasure. And everyone during these times where you're consuming as much television as possible. You need to go back and watch A League of Their Own. It is wonderful. Were there any other names on your guys' list? Also on my short list, I threw out It because Air Bud was chilling. Oh, my God. Chilling on my list.

He was gnawing. He was on your list? Yes, that one was on my list. From He Got Game? Forrest Gump? If you want to count it. We had this discussion before the movie. Thankfully, it did not come down to this because we were talking about, okay, it doesn't matter

if it's a sports movie or if it's a person who performs a sport a lot in a movie. Because you know I love Keanu so much. I had Johnny Utah down here from Point Break. Oh, man. He does his fair – Like, the whole movie is about surfing. I wouldn't have thought about that one. I wouldn't have thought about it.

Yeah. But it didn't come to that, so I'm much happier having Kings. Jason has Rocky Balboa, Bobby Boucher, Ricky Bobby, and Big Bird McCracken. A lot of Bs. That's right. Bill Murray. I have Gordon Bombay, Rod Tidwell, Karate Kid, and Big Ern McCracken. A lot of Bs. That's right. Bill Murray.

I have Gordon Bombay, Rod Tidwell, Karate Kid, and Shooter McGavin. Mike has Happy Gilmore, Henry Rowan Gardner, White Goodman, and Teen Wolf. I will say this looking at my list. But it's favorites, so it's fine. It's just your favorites. There's some name problems. Henry Rowan Gardner is a problem. Yeah, give me...

That needs to be the rookie of the year. Oh, come on. He's just drafting movies now? Come on. What did we learn today? What did we learn today? Sorry about that. I didn't know you were going to continue your battle.

It's all right. I already won. I'll change it. I'll change it in post. I learned that clearly based on the would you rather questions that began this show, Al Borland finds it very easy to both hunt and eat wild game. So Al Borland is a huntsman. I learned that if I were in a long-term relationship, that one of my parents has no claim.

No claim in a relationship with said spouse's parents. I see. And I learned that you just take the stock tip in the gym to make sure your portfolio stays strong. You get a little wisdom? I get that wisdom in my life strong. You get a little wisdom? I get that wisdom in my life, yes. Get a little wisdom? All right, that is it for the Spitballers podcast. Thank you, Tim.

Take care. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com. good. Yeah, I liked it. I felt like I was on point. My form was excellent. Yeah, you complimented yourself a lot throughout. Well, thank you for noticing that I did that. Head over to spitballerspod.com and you can figure out how you can help support this show and get access to episodes early and some other stuff. Check it out, spitballerspod.com.