Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 98: Pig Fires & The Best Potato Based Foods

Episode Date: May 11, 2020

We are back with some news articles that made us think, ‘Is This Real Life?’. We talk about driving dogs, pig fires, and yogurt grand larceny. We also get a spider related question - just for Jason. Other topics include extra fingers, dogs that don’t poop, and hanging out with fictional characters. We close this out with a draft of our favorite potato based foods. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, it's me. It's Andy. Hey, Andy. How's it going? I'm fantastic. We've got a great show today. That's number one. Number two, I just want to let everyone out there listening know that if they don't have enough Spitballers-themed aspects of their life, they can go over to SpitballersPod.com. They can click on the Become a Spitwad button.

It's just a little button. That's how it sounds. Yeah. When you click it, it goes, ba-bing. Is that a spittoon? Yes. Okay. You can click on become a spitwad, learn more about how you can support the show and get some really cool perks at spitballerspod.com. Let's get to the episode. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Scatamaranca, dacadac, scatamaranca, doo-dah, badingo!

Loved it. welcome in the bedingo is andy's i know parachute it is my it's my finisher it is your my final move it's my fatality it's your scat fatality it's my scat fatality and what's great is like i'm sitting there thinking and I'm going, whatever you do, don't end with Badingo. It's impossible for you. And Badingo. Whenever you say that's like saying just, you know, stay calm. You can't stay calm.

Don't say Badingo. Don't think about a pink elephant. Don't think about a pink elephant don't think about a pink elephant thank you al welcome into the spitballers podcast episode 98 that scat pales in comparison to the one that jason will deliver for episode 100 obviously oh it's gonna be the best of all time i would based on your history jay i would start warming up now yeah i would i wait you've got two weeks. We're in good shape. Would you rather on the show today is this real life?

We've got a delicious draft for you. Always fun to have an is this real life segment. And Mike is here. Jason is here. We're ready to go. Hello. This is going to be a fun time. If you're on YouTube with us, Jason is at a very special location related to our draft. Well, I needed to do some research.

Came out here to the Potato Farmers of America. So I'm out on the potato fields today. It's great physical distancing. You got some sunscreen on? There's nobody here. No, I plan to roast today. Okay. Roasted potato farm farm Which roasted potatoes

I mean, that might make the list Okay, well you can follow this show On Twitter at SpitballersPod Follow Mike at FFHitman Jason at JasonFFL I'm at Andy Holloway The website is at Or I'm sorry, the website is

SpitballersPod It's not at SpitballersPod But you can go to spitballerspod.com, instagram.com slash spitballerspod. We appreciate everybody's support of this show. We've seen the reviews coming in, and they are wonderful and kind, and we appreciate it and are very happy to be a source of joy during a time in which people need it it so we're proud to do it and let's get going would you rather this would you rather question comes in from israel

and he sent the person or the country the country the The country. The actual country. Oh, bonjour. Yeah. Would you rather have a dog that does not poop or a dog that does not shed? Oh, man. I feel like one of those things is really common. Like, I have two dogs that don't shed right now. It's pretty great. But you're saying, so would I rather trade?

There's a trade. Would I rather trade shedding hair inside for no poop outside? Wow. No pooper scoopers. Interesting. For me, it's still not close. Like a shedding dog, the hardest part of dog ownership to me and it's my love for dogs is well documented i don't remember what episode it was where

essentially i said i would trade the last 20 years of my life to make my dog live forever but dog hair everywhere that's that's the hardest thing to deal with when you have a dog the poop is outside pretty pretty infrequent all when uh when the dog will drop one indoors so i can live with having to pick up poop or as i do right now i support my local economy and someone comes you pay for a poop man you're a poop guy i support my economy yes that's the spin was going to out you and me both, Mike. I turned you on to my person because I haven't picked up poop in a long time. Let me be clear. You guys have the same poop man?

Yes. Oh, yeah. Poop people. Poop people. There's men, there's women. More than one. More than one show up. You have a whole army of poop people?

Yeah. Look, we're kind of on this show dude my dogs can you how fast can they clear the yard i have two dogs and i swear to you they poop five times two dogs a day two dogs ten turds four butts yes it's unbelievable i mean the pooper scooper people they just came and i'm out in the backyard playing football like I'm playing in a field of landmines. It's terrible. So, I mean, maybe the truth is when you have someone like if I had someone that came and picked up all the dog hair, you know, sure. Poop is worse than hair, right?

If I step on some shedded hair, I'm okay. It's not great. Of course, if you step on it, but that's not the... Can you be allergic to poop the way you can hair? I think everyone's allergic to poop. Legitimately, I think everyone is... That is what is

expelled as not okay. Is everyone allergic to poison? Yes. Let's check in. All these darn allergies. I've never had a dog. Both dogs that I've had did not shed. We have friends that have a dog that sheds,

and it seems like the shedding dog consumes a disproportional amount of their life. Is this Josh? This is Josh. Okay. And he has a retriever, right? Yeah. And it just feels like every time we used to go over there, they'd vacuum and clean. It was like an hours and hours of thing to do it.

And then you'd get there and the dog would just be shedding everywhere. I know it clogs vacuums. It covers furniture. It can be a real nuisance. It's disgusting. And I think allergies are the main problem. My boys have allergies. You boys have allergies. We would not get a dog that's not hypoallergenic. And if you're hypoallergenic, you're not shedding. So to me, I'm going to take the poop. I'm going to take the poop in my life. Yep. And and i'm gonna have someone else get rid of it so you'll support your local i will i love injecting uh monies money into my i give them a weekly stimulus you socially distance

from that poop um allison on patreon says would you rather all spiders be twice as large or all spiders twice as fast? Oh, come on. I was so... Oh, come on. Twice as large or twice as fast? You get to think about both of those, Jason. I don't... This is so...

This is not some... I blame Al Borland for allowing this question. Do they become half as fast if they get twice as large, Al? No. No, I don't think so. I assume they're the same. They just keep their same speed. Oh, they actually know they might be a little bit faster.

But my my legs are crawling right now. Like my feet. It's because there's spiders on them, Jay. You guys are real jerks. Oh, hey, can I make a PSA real quick? Can I just say that? I just want to let everybody out there know um i don't i don't block people on twitter you know i don't mute people that often

i probably have 100 muted people i i might not see your post ever again you post a spider to me i don't know who you are maybe we've had a conversation a hundred times before on twitter you post a spider i'm auto mute it's an auto mute you will never hear from me i will never see you again that is a fact so just listen the world burner accounts that's what i heard that's what i just heard burner account how long does it take to make a twitter account uh hours hours and hours it's a 30 page application it's they're really not taking people into twitter right now no they're limiting their exposure uh in these times i think i want to answer the question oh man what do i want they're both terrifying absolute monstrosities is on like

i don't see spiders that often. Yeah. Usually when I see them, they are very docile. They're just kind of sitting there. You look and, oh, there it is on the wall. There's a spider just hanging out, living his spider life. Yeah.

I don't worry about how fast the spider is. Of course you don't. No, no, no. I am always thinking. Until you try to kill it. And then, if you miss. Don't miss. don't miss. Don't miss. Or, or if,

if when you start, he gets a head start and he's, I mean, holy crap. If I'm going after spider and he moved, I agree with you, Mike. It's like,

I think I got to take the twice as fast because usually they don't move. Usually they're just staying in one spot. But when they move, if they're just staying in one spot. But when they move, if they move like lightning across the floor, I'm dead. I am gone. Okay. But that's if they move. Now, if you look down and you saw a spider that was 2X, then you'd be dead right there. I'm already dead from this question.

Allison from Patreon has killed me. I can't... Oh, my legs. Every time I've ever seen a spider, I've said to myself, I'm glad that it's not twice as big. Yes. So I'm going that way. I don't want them to be twice as big, because then they're more formidable. Even if they're fast, they're not as formidable.

But you give me a double-sized tarantula? Saddle up, boys. We're riding it. The fangs are now 2X as well. Yeah. No, thank you. No.

What about this one, Jay? Spiders four times as large or they all have wings a quick petition uh for the guys uh in certain uh hard financial times i think you know companies need to scale back i would i'd like to discuss al borland leaving uh due to this due to this questions inclusion on this doc um well we have an obligation to our patrons our supporters at spitballerspod.com allison is a supporter and she needs to know yeah which we'd prefer i would prefer twice as fast and you had something i never thought i would say all right all right hold on hold on hold on all right twice as large or four times as fast i mean i think you're gonna

have to take the speed no matter what four times as fast is better four times as fast. I mean, I think you're going to have to take the speed no matter what. Four times as fast is better. Four times as fast is... You'll be dead before you see them. Spiders are already fast. So if it's four times as fast, they just disappear. And in my world, I got them. I'm going to take that shoe, I'm going to swing it, and then

it just disappeared. I don't know where it went. I didn't see it go. Twice as large or the ability to fly? Did he miss me saying wings are four times as big? Oh, I would. Oh, my gosh. Oh, jumping. Next, Archie from Twitter.

Archie. We've done enough. Archie says, would you rather play miniature golf with your favorite fictional character or play video games with your favorite celebrity? So wait, this is like I can play mini golf with like Legolas or something? I mean, yes. That doesn't sound very fun.

Why did I pick Legolas? Seriously. When I think fictional, I thought fantasy and then fantasy went Lord of the Rings and then Lord of the Rings went like Legolas. Is he even the best one from the movie? That's who my wife would pick. That's who my wife would pick. Trust me.

He's certainly not the coolest one. She'd pick Legolas. Yeah. He's certainly not the coolest one to play mini golf with, because you'd want Gandalf. I mean, imagine how cool that game would get. That windmill now is 70 feet tall, and the balls are flying through the air because he's got magic.

If you're going fictional you've got to bring something into this world that is but doesn't legolas do that cool thing where like he slides down a on a shield or something yeah he can slide down on a shield on anything while you're having war during mini golf that's if he was on the back of a brontosaurus he would slide down the neck and fire arrows into the enemy. I feel like... You see those stairs? I could stun him.

So what fictional characters would we choose? I'm thinking like right now, recently Final Fantasy VII, been playing that. Would I grab a character, play with Cloud? He doesn't have much of a personality. Nerd alert!

Wait, the guy who just threw out legolas with with no hesitation is calling someone else a nerd oh my god i will happily be a nerd if that means that i'm a final fantasy 7 player do people really have a list of like these are my favorite fictional characters that you can go to at any moment. You could be, you'll play some, what, Harry Potter? Yeah, Harry Potter comes to mind for sure. You could do, you know, mini golf on broomsticks. That would be a blast. But I mean, I think I'd rather do something with a real celebrity.

Like if the question was just, would you rather meet your favorite real celebrity or your favorite fictional character that's kind of what the question is unless you're really i'd rather pick a fictional character because i would learn more yeah i i oh you would learn more about the fictional character yeah because it'd be you'd be getting somebody with superpowers or somebody with abilities or somebody that's you know i'd rather chill with you know lego loss right and learn about the elven life but you're not learning anything you're learning make-believe i mean you could do that right now just look to your left legolas is there you're telling me that the fictional character comes forward in time but his world isn't real yes i am that's that'd be you would you rather

play golf with a person in a costume or that's that's how i feel this question you're talking to an actual character if it's a fictional character but now they're in real life are they still a fictional character or do they now exist yeah i mean super you could hang out with superman Batman, James Bond. Yeah, I'm going to take... James Bond. Legolas. Voldemort. I'm going to take a...

Frodo. Oh, Frodo would be so boring. Homer Simpson. You don't want to play golf with Homer Simpson? I think it would be cool to just see a cartoon in real life. Otherwise, I'm going to take... All right. I'm going to real life. Otherwise, I'm going to play some basketball video games with Michael Jordan.

Because if I can say I beat Michael Jordan at basketball. What if you beat him? Oh, if you beat him in one-on-one. Yeah. Then you can say on a technicality, I beat him in one-on-one basketball. You're not going to beat him. And I'll say, no, he was older. He was in his whatever he is, his 40s and his 50s. But I still beat him one-on-one. You're not going to beat him. And I'll say, no, he was older. He was in his whatever he is, his 40s and his 50s,

but I still beat him one-on-one basketball, and I will never, ever reveal more than that. What age does he have to be for you to beat him? In 90-plus? Video games? We're talking about video games. No, in basketball. Oh, in real basketball?

Yeah. What age does Michael Jordan have to be where you would beat him? He would have to be in the 90s. Have to be in the 90s. Have to be in the 90s. Dead age. You roll the corpse down there. Honestly, when I think about Michael Jordan in his 90s, I'm not super confident. He's still got the size.

You know what I mean? Well, by the 90s, he'll lose some size. He'll be 6'4 by then. Yeah, exactly. All right. Yeah. What were you saying? I was just establishing my pick of Michael Jordan playing video games.

All right. Isabel from Patreon. Would you rather be missing a finger or have two extra fingers? So you're just talking about going down. You still got your thumb, but you could go from, you're either three or six. I mean, that is on the finger count. Missing a finger. No, you're either three or seven, right?

Oh, you're just, are you subtracting? You have four fingers right now. You're subtracting thumbs. Okay. That's like saying, how many fingers do I have? Ten? No, I've got eight. Two of these are not fingers.

One, two, skip a few. But my point is, like, if you're missing a finger. That was accurate, but all right. If you're missing a finger, you have a story to tell. You know what I mean? The fish bit it off or a wood shop accident you know there's a way that you you presumably lost the finger you're like well here's what happened i was playing this game would you rather and i had to pick something so i lost the finger um but if you've got yes i feel like seven

fingers would be more practical. Is it? Growing up, one of my best friends, his brother had an extra set of pinkies. So I knew a kid who had 12 fingers. 10, Mike. 10 fingers. You're counting them thumbs again? So I've seen it. So educate us.

What did you think? I mean, were you real? Was it cool to say you knew somebody with that many? Well, I mean, look, I didn't know that it was going to be a very useful anecdote in a story 25 years later. But like, was he better at baseball? Bring him out here. Bring him out here. 25 years later but like what was he better at baseball here was he like a great pitcher because his curveball was wicked with that extra that i don't know it was it was somewhat functional he didn't have uh complete control of it is that illegal if you have too many like can you still

honestly the first the first thing that came to my mind genuinely was was boxing like you can't have heavier gloves because the the weight of your hand and what's inside you know you can't put like you can't carry a roll of quarters because that's a real unfair advantage but if i've got the weight of like you know now i've got 20 percent more hand than you it's two extra it's two extra pinkies. It's two extra, Mike. Blah, blah, blah, blah. I think I'm going to be a pro boxer. Two extra gigantic pinkies. I'm taking thumbs, okay? I'm sticking with eight fingers, four thumbs. I'm taking extra fingers.

If it was a really big 12, if I had full dexterity of this finger and I could use it for guitar playing, I mean, I can do stuff that nobody else could possibly do that's my point i feel like the extra fingers have more usefulness there's more upside more practicality however much more difficult to find gloves gloves yeah uh go mittens go mittens yeah i mean but fit them in fit them in you're gonna have to be a you're gonna pot holders yes pot holder you're gonna have to sew. Yes, potholders. You're going to have to learn how to sew. I think we're saying this like you can't just stitch an extra finger hole onto a pair of gloves.

You need an extra two. Oh, two. I'm so sorry. I don't think you can just stitch an extra. Yeah, in fact, I will pay you to stitch extra fingers onto some gloves. Yeah, that's not a thing because you've got to have the room for it. fingers onto some gloves yeah that's not a thing because you gotta have the room for it like the spot of the hole is gonna be all thrown off when at the this is such a dumb question i'm taking the extra fingers i'm taking the extra fingers i don't live in cold weather where i have to wear gloves

i think i'm gonna you know just to give jason one more option here would you rather have five extra fingers on one hand or spiders to be four times as big? I would have fingers coming out of every part of my body. I will be the finger man for sure. All right, we're moving on. Is this real life? All right, Al Borland has done his worst. He's found some articles that, well, we ask the question, is this real life? Because they are hard to believe. And I guess I will begin by sharing my story with you two gentlemen. It's very interesting.

It's very petty. News i like it newswoman demands 500 dna test to identify which roommate stole her two dollar yogurt okay her yogurt. So essentially, this woman has roommates. And as you might imagine, she has her items. And in this case, she has some yogurt she bought. And she noticed that one of her yogurts was in the trash and had been eaten. And so she confronted her roommates, multiple roommates, and they all denied it. They all said none of us. I've been there with my kids.

I've been there with my kids. Who left the milk out? No, I didn't get the milk out. I didn't get the milk. I didn't get. One of you took. Like, I know it didn't just magically come out. And they swear.

And I'm like, you're all grounded. You're all grounded until someone tells me who took it out. And then eventually I find out my wife did it. No, my daughter's new thing is I didn't mean to, even when it's something that you can't not mean to do. Right, yes. But here, she notices, she confronts them. She's very furious about this.

And she decides that she's going to go to the police and demand a dna test and so all five roommates are forced to give their dna the perpetrator was yes no no the police they didn't follow through come on yes wait i missed the i missed i missed part of that article did you say a two thousand dollar yogurt uh two dollar yogurt this was police uh this was actually law enforcement in taiwan the police department agreed they realized they couldn't get fingerprints from the bottle and they demanded the five roommates to report to the station got dna samples identified the thief and this is the worst part that thief is

now facing a charge of threat pressed by the original roommate what is happening in taiwan what is so i mean do you know how much two dollar yogurt you could have bought with that 500 bucks i know this was a this was about principle jason you ever heard somebody waste their time on the yogurt we have all had that thought before of something like just a really small situation of like i know i'm right and i'm going to find out and then whatever it takes and you daydream and you go through all the steps of that's right i'm i i'll i'll tell you i'll see you in court i'm gonna sue you over this i had person actually did it i won't say their names but we had i had some friends that were roommates.

And you know how when you're roommates, you kind of fight that battle of who's going to do the dishes this day, who's going to clean that thing up, this thing up. Anyway, one of them made a pizza and had the pizza stuff out on the counter and left the tray out, and it was a battle of wills. And that thing stayed on the counter for weeks with everything else around it cleaned. And neither person would budge to clean up the pizza stuff. So it can get to the level where you may want a DNA test.

We are dumb. We are dumb people. We are a dumb species. The dumb species here is the police officers. Because, I mean, if I'm a police officer and you come crashing in here i will just buy you a yogurt at this point i'll be like come on let's go to the store here's two bucks get yourself a yogurt and that's not justice called uh don't sweat the small stuff yeah so that's my story that is somehow real life that's crazy all right i'll uh i'll bring my story. That is somehow real life. That's crazy. All right.

I'll bring my story up here. My story that I found is pig sparks farm fire in England after eating and defecating battery-powered pedometer. Wait. That story was funny in the beginning. This pig pooped fire and i know i know we've all felt like that we've gone to chipotle we've gotten the hot sauce and we think we could start a fire this pig did it this pig pooped up oh my goodness and here's what's crazy. So apparently it ate this battery-powered pedometer. Of course.

I mean, pigs do what pigs do. And learning from this article, I'm surprised there aren't more pig fires. Because they eat everything. And pig fires should be a serious issue that we are confronted with. Oh my gosh. Pig fires are something I haven't really considered in the global threat category. Yeah, I mean, Tiff literally has been trying to convince me and our family. Our family is all behind it.

I'm the curmudgeon, and I will continue to be Tiff. She wants to get a pig as a pet. No. Oh, yeah. She wants to be a pig. There's a lot of domesticated. I remember I had a friend growing up who had a pig as a pet, and they had a doggy door.

It was their dog. I don't know if he's giving this level of arguments that he's already received and is now parroting. This pig is arriving sooner than later. No, I'm not doing a pig. I'm not. I'm not. Please, please don't make me do it.

That's good advice, Jason. But this article helps me to have an argument because I don't make me do it good advice this article this article helps me to have an argument because i don't want a you know this is a danger to our family if this thing can poop fire that is an art yeah that one's in your corner where you can bring that to her and say look honey i would love a pig but yeah um hot fire so here's here's what happened, though, is it seems like the copper or something mixed with the feces. We stay professional here. Oh, yes. The poop.

Yeah, the caca. And it created... And I started thinking about it. I'm like, wait, like fertilizer. Fertilizer, which is mostly poop. That's like used in making bombs and things like that. So it's like, is our poop like flammable? I mean, we've never really experienced it.

It just goes straight in the water. But is the whole reason because water puts out fire? Have you ever wondered why there's water? There's water there because you got flammable poop coming out your butt. Do you think that in old outhouses they used to have a fire extinguisher because they knew that when you eat something spicy or you eat too much copper that

there's a problem. I gotta get my vitamins. I think that no, they probably didn't. But there's only one way to be sure whether your poop's flammable and that is for you to perform an experiment. That would be a video no one wants to see.

It's been a while since the show has been consumed. Of my turd trying to light on fire. I'm not doing it. No, you can just... It's more of a private experiment that we know that you did. I'll let you know how it goes. It's important we know what you did. Impressive.

Dangerous. I will keep that in mind. Mike, what do you got for us? So I've got man facing charges after a high-speed chase on the I-5 with a pit bull in the driver's seat. Like the pit bull is driving? So there was a 51-year-old man who is now facing several charges. There was a high-speed chase where the officer said the vehicle was going over 100 miles an hour.

So this car is going dangerously fast. Eventually, they were able to catch him. And then when they caught him, the man said he was teaching his dog how to drive because when they pulled him over the pit bull was in the driver's seat and the man was steering the driving wheel so and the best line of this article is it ends with it was not clear if the pit bull would be charged in connection with can you charge i guess you can right i'm pretty sure that part's a joke but you can charge animals came from oh nice one oh very nice pit stop oh he needs what would you do if you're another driver

you see this car flying up behind you i would look over and there's a pit bull driving. You'd be like, I'm off the road. No, I'd be like, Elon Musk took care of that. He did that. Elon Musk set that up. It's fine. Wow. So that's like that excuse.

You know, you ever seen it where my dog ate my homework? Sure. You can go there. My dog was speeding. But sometimes people flip flop the seats, you know? I feel like that's what happened. He was speeding, and then he flip-flopped to try to get rid of the... Man, I got two strikes.

You got to take the rap for me. That's exactly right. Thank goodness you pulled this over, officer. This dog was out of control. Fluffy, you got to handle it. Take the heat. Oh, my goodness. Wow.

Yeah. I'm not sure if the pig or the pit bull is scarier in this situation, Take the heat. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Yeah. I'm not sure if the pig or the pit bull is scarier in this situation, but shall we draft? Yes. Let's do it. The Spitballers Draft. Badingy. Is that your first pick?

Oh, crap. Yeah, it is all right so today we are drafting the best potato based foods take a moment i've been known to eat a potato or two it's a it's a very versatile vegetable yeah it is um it's a is it a vegetable or is it a starch are those different are they the same never understood i feel like i don't think it's a vegetable i feel like it's not a vegetable classified as a vegetable i feel like al yes but i mean yes a potato is a yes obviously but i know what you're saying vegetables it's a starchy vegetable you never really hear like eat your vegetables you don't think like it's not good for you right i think

technically they're called like nightshades or something like that but i think they still fall into the isn't a tomato that as well no nightshades are in skyrim uh that's what you can harvest we've gone down a rabbit hole we don't want to go down. Jason's at a potato farm right now. We're drafting potato-based foods. There are plenty. Let's put it that way. There are a lot of options. I just happen to have the first pick.

Is there another vegetable or otherwise that is as versatile as a potato? Tomatoes. Tomatoes are very versatile. Yeah. They're not all done so many sauces. But the phrase is not eat your meat and tomatoes. It could be. It could have been if tomatoes were better.

If they had better marketers. But the other thing is like, here's what's crazy. We're about to draft 12 amazing food items. Well, at least like 10. I'm sure you guys will each pick something real stupid. Yeah. But potatoes themselves suck. Like, you don't bite into a potato.

How is this possible that someone... Because of a not cooked one, you mean? Yeah, I'm just saying we have found this bland, boring, inedible thing that causes magic to all foods. Maybe that's why we... Is it a vegetable? Because most vegetables, you can just pick it

out of the ground and eat it right there. It's true. Raw. So maybe that's like the weird mental block of a potato, is you have to cook it. Eat your steamed potatoes what yeah yeah that's interesting getting back to the draft I will take the very

beautiful delicious wonderful spectacular aromatic crunchy smooth ranch dipped ketchup dipped lovely french fries I you know french fries are my number one easy pick i assumed you were going it's the right because it's the clear one-on-one but at one one descriptor

you said crunchy can be it can be and can be but that's not like your usual thought for like i love this crunchy crunchy french french so then i was like are you going to mess this up? Are you going to mess up the one on one? Did I mess it up? No I didn't. No French fries is the clear one on one. Alright I've got French fries. Alright I'll jump in here with my second pick and with this new found life that I

have found myself stuck in where I go in the pantry and I go man man, I'm hungry. What am I going to eat? And this is now a daily part of my life. I will take potato chips. Okay. That's what I had at my number two as well.

Yeah, that's everybody's number two. I mean, french fries, potato chips. Dang it. I think people can go a different direction with number two, though. I thought that if you had it, Jason, you would have gone a different direction. I considered making a pick that I thought would be... I know this won't make it back to me, and I know that

it would upset Jason for me to take it, but I had to stick with my heart. The problem is I have... At the third pick, if either one of those had fallen to me, this draft would be over. I could dominate. But unfortunately, you guys took the two best. You guys have the two best potato-based foods because they're the two most processed.

You're taking this potato, turning it into the least potato it can be. But still calling it eating your vegetables. That's right. Oh, man. I can eat my vegetables when I have potato chips now. Exactly. And SpaghettiOs. All right.

Well, look. With the third pick, I'm going to take what should be the third pick. It's mashed potatoes. Okay. I mean, and it's Tiffany's famous mashed potatoes. My wife makes the best potatoes on the planet. They're pretty good. I'll put her up against anybody.

They're pretty, pretty, pretty good. I've actually started to... I've learned this last week i cooked the mashed potatoes for my first time in my life how are they they were very good nowhere near as good it seems like a strange thing for you to do if your wife makes the best mashed potatoes in the world that you would then take the mantle i've been cooking a lot and so you know because we're she was asleep wasn't she she's wide awake wide awake uh she helped stir it once or twice okay um when i was a little behind on my cooking schedule but

uh it was good did you open the box or did she oh very nice how dare you instant potatoes get out of here when you cook jason because your wife is a good cook, and my wife is as well, and so when I endeavor, I'm not as good at any of the things that she does. Is she very supportive, or does she kind of mock you as you fail? No, no, no. The end result is great. I have not made anything that is anything but super delicious. The process is where I get mocked. Me too. super delicious. The process is where I get mocked.

Me too. Me too. The process is where I get mocked. What would take her about 30 seconds to chop up all the vegetables is like, give me 30 minutes, and then we'll start making the meal once I've pre-chopped and done all that stuff. I'm very, very slow, and that's usually my problem. All right. So I got the mashed potatoes. They're loaded. They're great. stopped and done all that stuff i'm i'm very very slow and that's usually my problem all right so i got the mashed potatoes they're loaded they're great uh the okay so the one i want to take i'm gonna hold off i'm circling it right now i think i can i i think you think it'll make it all the

way back i think it'll make it all the way back okay and it's really what should be taken now and i'll be so upset if one of you grabs it okay all right so that leaves me you do have to pick though if you even though you're waiting for that one you have to make another pick now all right you guys you guys got fries and chips these are the inferior cousin to both of those i'm gonna take i going to take tater tots. Oh, you changed your pick. You did just change your pick. I did.

I was debating between two, and I want both, and I want my other pick that's going to come back to me. I need the potatoes. Hot tater tots. Hot tater tots. Hot tater tots. Nice and hot. here's the thing tater tots are nowhere near as frequent uh and tater tots are great as they're going to be my pick the availability is not as high it is not but when i go like you know we have uh smash burger or sonic there's a few

places where they will just you know do you want french fries or tater tots? And at those places, maybe it's just because it's rare. I almost always go with tater tots. It is because it's rare. And they're so good. But they don't carry the weight by any means that french fries are just. I really want cheese on my tater tots. I feel like it's really. Well, cheese goes on

like, I think that it's just implied that cheese is on almost every single thing we're listing right now. And it's not like cheese isn't is on almost every single thing we're listing. And it's not like cheese isn't amazing on fries. Don't get me wrong. It's just less frequent. Yeah, and you can just eat cheese as well, regardless of this draft or potatoes. That's one of my most frequent foods.

Yeah, cheese is delicious. That's what I learned today. I draft cheese. All right, so who's got the pick? Mike? I learned today. I draft cheese. All right. So who's got the pick, Mike? I am up. I am torn now because I was ready to go. I was ready to go with tater tots.

I even heard Jason picking something else that was not tater tots. So I was very ready to draft tater tots. Yeah, when he said hot tater tots. Hot tots. All right. said hot tater tots. Hot tater tots. Alright. I will just... I'm just going to keep moving along. Just steam potatoes. No. Raw?

Keep moving along here with my heart. I have no idea what people... I have no idea where this vote is going to go. I love me potato salad. I love it so very much with with my barbecue meals with really any type of meals i mean you give me a potato salad and i am in so we we obviously uh

we have our fantasy football podcast it's massive um we do a lot of uh drafts and uh things like that there's nothing greater than when you come in prepared with a list of who you want and someone drafts something not even on your list. I mean, when it's like, I'll take Felix Jones. I mean, potato salad's fine. It's okay. I'll eat it.

I like it, but I don't think it's top ten, Mike. Jason saying he'll eat it is not the highest praise. Right. This is not the barometer you need or want. He does have a show called Jason Eats. That's true. Potato salad was on my list, Mike. It wasn't high enough to where I would have stolen it from you in the next round.

I'm going to go with what Jason was about to say, which is hash browns. Yes, that's right. I'm thinking hash browns with my second pick in this draft. French fries and hash browns are pretty dominant one, too, to start with. I'm feeling pretty darn good there. And, man, now I have a real difficult choice. I wanted hash browns and tater tots. This is a little difficult, and maybe we need a ruling from Al,

because I don't know where the lines are blurred in potato-based products. Baked potato chips. I think I know where he's going. Well, I'm going to go potato wedges. Yep. Is that an acceptable pick? I had it on my list. It is an acceptable pick because you have french fries.

You know what I mean? It's an acceptable pick, but... It's an acceptable pick either way. He's saying that it's not a fry. You can't draft curly fries because you have fries. If I can get potato wedges. But potato wedges are not fries. Yeah, if I can get those potato wedges delivered to your table that's got the bacon on them and the cheese.

I mean, those are really quite appetizing. The difference between a potato wedge and a steak fry is nothing. That is my shape. That is false. Texture as well. Potato wedges are larger than steak. Yeah, thank you, Al. You're a great producer, by the way. I've seen many smaller

potato wedges than steak fries. Those are called steak fries. Red Robins steak fries are Those are called steak fries. Red Robins steak fries are way bigger than Jack in the Box's potato wedges. You're talking about their french fries? Yes, I am. Their potato wedges are their french fries.

Back to Mike. I know that that might not have been the best pick. I don't know, but that's what I would choose. I think potato wedges are delicious. All I'm doing is I'm choosing what I will actually choose. And I know I'll have a great fourth pick coming back to me. So, Mike, it's up to you. I am going to take... Hash browns is...

It's generally a breakfast food. Mm-hmm. Correct. But there is a superior breakfast potato. So, It is. In my opinion, like I said, I'm just taking the stuff I want. I will take country fried potatoes. Yeah, little, like I've heard those called breakfast potatoes.

Like the little square potatoes. Little chopped up potatoes. You got those peppers in there. Sure. Maybe some onions. Those are fantastic. Like a hash brown. No, it's not hashed at all.

No, I know what you're saying. It's like a hash. Yeah, a hash hashed at all no i know what he's saying it's like it's like a hash it's yeah i better just be a bunch of those country potatoes yeah it's a fine pick oh my goodness we can cut potatoes into different did you get your pick back jason yeah i got all my picks yeah i mean my list my list she's taking a baked potato uh well i i am gonna take a baked potato that is that is one of my picks. I can't believe that that made it back to me. And this is a loaded baked potato.

But you're writing it in as baked potato. No, I'm writing it as loaded baked potato. No, you're not. You're writing it in as a baked potato. I am 100% drafting it. It is written down on my list as a loaded baked potato. I think Mike is saying that none of us are adding condiments to our selections presently. This isn't adding a condiment.

This is a thing you order. Oh, we can just write whatever we want down and hold it up to the camera? I wrote it down, so I get it. Let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever ordered a loaded baked potato at a restaurant? Yes, I have. That's a thing. Have you ever ordered? That's potato at a restaurant? Yes. Yes, I have.

That's a thing. Have you ever ordered? It's fine with me. It's fine with me. I don't care. Oh, see, I... That is such a common potato product. Yeah, it's implied either.

So you're telling us that we can draft a baked potato then? A regular baked potato? I'm writing a download of baked potato. Just like you can't draft curly fries, but you have them. All right. My next pick is the one that I was hoping would get back to me. It's the one that I wanted with my second pick. It might be the best potato product.

And I'm legitimately... I thought it would get back to me. I believe this is the best potato product, it's very it's much more rare you don't have it as often which is freaking travesty it's just it it's just a shame and i think try to pronounce it go on oh i know how to pronounce it potatoes are grotten my man you i mean potatoes are grotten when you get them layers of the sliced potatoes and the cheese we were talking about cheese on potatoes. That helps. This is cheesy potatoes.

I mean, I'm pretty sure that's what au gratin means. Yeah, au gratin infers that they are cheesy potatoes. Yes! I just got au gratin potatoes with my last pick. You did. I'm jacked up, man. It'll be really good with your plain baked potato. It will be excellent with my loaded baked potato.

I got cheese on all this thing. You can put some bacon in there. What's your final lineup? Let's hear it. All right. My final lineup, I have potatoes au gratin, baked potato, loaded baked potato, mashed potato, and tater tots. Tater tots. All Tater Tots.

All right. Mike, you get to close out your draft. What do you have? All right. There's still quite a few on the list. I even have some classic Mike picks on here where it's just not a vote getter, but it's something. That's how you've gone so far with your favorites.

Yeah. It's not a vote-getter, but it's... That's how you've gone so far with your favorites. Yeah, so there's two that I'm torn between. Both, I don't know if they are vote-getters. One of them is, I will say the word, and you guys probably will have never even heard of it because it is a Scandinavian delight. So I'm going to go here.

I'm going to take gnocchi. Okay. Like there's a soup, right? Or I guess just the balls of... No, gnocchi is like a pasta substitute, basically. It is often in soups. Yeah, yeah. But the way I think of it is when I go to...

We have this Italian place that we go to, and instead of spaghetti, you order gnocchi. So it's got marinara sauce, it's got cheese to it, we have this Italian place that we go to, and instead of spaghetti, you order gnocchi. So it's got marinara sauce. It's got cheese on it, and it's so freaking good. I love it. I had no idea that was a potato. I always thought that was like a little bread pasta ball.

Man, potatoes can do so much. Potatoes are- They're incredible. They are incredible, unless you just want to eat it by itself. So what is your full situation? So I have potato chips. Well, I have loaded potato chips. I have loaded potato salad, country fried potatoes,

and those are loaded as well. And then fully loaded gnocchi. Fully loaded gnocchi. I like being in the middle of this. All right. I'm going to the middle of this. All right. I'm going to close this out with scallop potatoes. Yeah. I'm taking scallop potatoes, which is, you know, it's like the cousin.

What is the difference? It's the cousin of au gratin. It's au gratin minus cheese. Pretty much. I mean, that's what scallop potatoes are. It is pretty much, yeah. When I wrote down on my list, I'm writing these things down. I got, and I remembered scallop potatoes.

I'm like, those are so good. I wrote that down. And then you remembered au gratin. And then I went, oh, what am I doing? I crossed that out, and I wrote down on my list, I'm writing these things down. I got and I remembered scalloped potatoes. I'm like, those are so good. I wrote that down. And then you remembered au gratin. And then I went, oh, what am I doing? I crossed that out and I wrote au gratin. I'll be honest. I would have taken au gratin ahead of scalloped. It had it made it back to me, which I thought it would.

That's why I went with potato wedges. I didn't think those would make it back. But I got French fries, hash browns, potato wedges, and scalloped potatoes. I got two things on my list that I still absolutely love. One of them i know is not beloved by all potato skins i love oh those skins those are good yeah i mean they're just they're whenever you just crisp it and then put a bunch of sour cream cheese and chives and oh load them up get them loaded loaded of course um have you ever had croquettes you ever had

croquette i have played croquette croquettes, they almost look like they are cheese sticks, but they're potatoes. That sounds delicious. It sounds great. Are they deep fried? Yeah, of course. All right. That sounds like a French fry.

I mean, the way you just described it. They're like a little stick of potato, but then you fry it. I'm going to be honest with you guys. This draft, when I look at at it it was spudtacular oh oh man oh come on come on eight out of ten um on the batch i'll give my my shout out the the food that have you guys ever heard of lefsa no no uh yeah lefsa it's it's from the right sir nice uh but it's i i know of it because my my heritage is scandinavian from norway it's like a it's almost like a crepe like it's this really thin uh potato or so there's potatoes like i love it i meant to say like like a real real thin pancake

but it's made out of potatoes and you can can either eat it with butter or you go with cinnamon and sugar on it. It's fantastic. Another thing that has not been drafted that is so good. I think potato-based soups are the best, whether it's a loaded potato soup or a cream of potato soup. I mean, the sour cream and potato soup, whatever it is, it just doesn't matter. If it's got potatoes in it and it's thick, it's wonderful. Yeah. Yeah.

Potato soups are delicious. I'm kind of hungry now. Oh, I'm starving. I'm Googling things like, are potatoes healthy? That's what I'm Googling. I'm going to try to put together a meal of these things, just potatoes. I'm going to have all gratin, mashed potatoes. I believe in you.

French fries, some chips, as many potato items as I can have. And I'm just going to have all Gratin, mashed potatoes, some french fries Some chips. As many Potato items as I can have I'm just going to have a delicious I'm going to be a vegetarian for one meal Yeah, well sure Super healthy You'll be a loaded vegetarian Yes I will

By the way, Spitwads, appreciate your support of the show Spitballerspod.com, become a Spitwad Get access to the show early Get an opportunity to share your ideas of the show. Spitballerspod.com. Become a Spitwad. Get access to the show early. Get an opportunity to share your ideas for the show right there on Patreon. And then, Al, are there any other potato-based foods that we omitted? I have a feeling we, of all the drafts, were pretty exhaustive in this one. Skins were the one I wanted somebody to take.

Yeah, I kind of forgot about them. We didn't bring up roasted in the draft. We talked about it earlier. Roasted are the healthy person's potatoes, which is really not in the top 12. Yeah, it's not in the top 12. Healthy is not going to be in the anybody's top 12. Those are red potatoes normally, and red potatoes are way worse than brown potatoes.

Way worse. And I probably would have taken sweet potato fries. Oh, gosh, gross vomit. I know Jason hates them. That wouldn't have counted. I love them. That wouldn't have counted. Yeah, that's part of French

fries. That's a different I don't know if you wanted to draft. Sweet potato fries is completely different than French fries. Sweet potatoes are disgusting. Yeah, sweet potatoes are so gross. It's a different vegetable. You don't get to draft.

I'll take carrots. We left carrots out, guys. Yams are potatoes. Yeah they are. They're a type of potato. It's a type of potato.

It's a sweet potato. It's not the same as carrots. If we're taking apple based products it's like all the versions of apples. Granny Smith is out

only Fuji. Okay. Yeah. Well none of us took sweet potato stuff. Well thank goodness because we have morals. I love sweet Okay. Yeah. Well, none of us took sweet potato stuff. Well, thank goodness, because we have morals. I love sweet potatoes.

Oh, get out of here. They're so bad. With your disgusting mustache. They're not so bad. I'm pushing this button. Ace buds. What did we learn today? I learned that a potato is a vegetable.

I was not sure. I learned that the celebrity that both Andy and his wife would like to hang out with is Legolas. It's apparently a fictional character. And I don't know. I learned that pit bulls can drive. So that is it for today's episode of the Spitballers podcast. Thanks for joining the three of us we'll catch you next time goodbye

thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballerspod.com. Hey, it's Andy. The show's over. Listen, I've got... Whoa, whoa. Yeah, I've got a... Well, see, that's the right sound because I got a message from Al Borland.

He didn't have the heart to come and tell you himself, but he needs your help. He needs ideas for the show. He needs to know that you're behind him. Take his broken wings. So, look, he wanted me to come and say a few words at the end of the show. First, thanks for listening. Second, thanks for subscribing.

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