Spitballers Comedy Podcast - 99: Chinese Gorillas with Rifles & The Best Cartoon Animals

Episode Date: May 18, 2020

What’s got Jason splitting his khakis? Find out on today’s show! We also delve into a hostile ant takeover, picking our favorite family members, and the appropriateness of winking. We wrap up the show with a draft of our favorite cartoon animals. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the show: Become an Official Spitwad! Visit us on the Web Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Instagram Subscribe on YouTube Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/spitballers/posts See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I need you to stop what you're doing right now and listen to me. I have a very important message. Frank, I'm talking to you, Bob. Oh, Frank, listen up. Tilly. Tilly. Do people, are people named Tilly anymore? No, that was from the 90s. Sharon? Three people. All yous out there. Number one, thank you for checking out the podcast. Number two, if you want to help support this show, keep the show running. We're just independent over here. We're just three dudes and an owl and a judge. We're trying to make you laugh on Monday mornings. Head over to spitballerspod.com. Learn how you can support this show and get a bunch of cool perks

like access to the spit tank where we prioritize questions for this show, get access to the show early. Head over to spitballerspod.com. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Yeah, I don't mind that.

No, that got me hyped. I'm up for this show now, Mike. Good volume, sustained volume, sustained hype. That's episode 99 material, Mike. Nice job. Oof. We did it. We did it, everybody. Thank you. We both both 99 and finally finally landed a scat it's been a while yeah yeah you have been a little up and down which is i'm a little like eclectic like. Jazz music is not for everybody.

I can't always go pop. This week I went with pop music. It's fine. It's good to know you're not perfect because before the scats, before these last 99 episodes, I thought you were. Would you rather on the show today? You can't be just way better than your friends

or they don't want to be your friends anymore. Yeah, you have to kind of take a dive every once in a while. Yeah, you know what I mean. Thank you guys very much. I really appreciate that. Jason. It's a pleasure. Well, I do that, but don't think.

And we're still friends. Welcome in at SpitballersPod on Twitter. Appreciate all the Spitwads over on our Patreon supporting the show. Get the episode early. We've got some of your questions on today's episode. We have would you rather. We have that's a great question and a, I guess it was a contested draft idea. Al Borland had a strange aversion to this one.

I love it. Do you want to speak to that for a minute, Al? Are you in a mood in which you want to emerge onto the microphone? I don't mind being on the mic, but no, we'll let that sleeping dog lie. We'll wait till the draft starts. So we do have a draft that I think will be enjoyable today. You can follow Mike on Twitter, Instagram, at FFH hitman jason's at jason ffl i'm at andy holloway and we want to welcome everybody in if you're just joining us welcome to episode 99

there's 98 other episodes for you to listen to it is more exciting to discover us later because because you have the backlog of pure comedic genius. Oh, man. Archived, right? Just golden. How are you doing, Jason? I'm doing pretty well. I'm a little jacked up for this draft. I've been prepping for hours now at this point.

I think it's going to be a 99th worthy show. Okay, let's get started would you rather all right justice from the website not liberty not truth but justice from the website writes in would you rather have to do a draft of your family members while they are in the room explaining each pick oh that's fun or never be able to draft again so any kind of draft ever again so this is like what fantasy football so we can't do the drafts for this show fantasy football which is our true passion we wouldn't be able to do drafts for that i guess that that's gonna be a problem that's that's gonna be a big problem family are we talking about like well what if you compared drafting all your family extended family or you had to draft everybody at the studio

so the employees and your oh that wouldowners, you'd go that direction? That would be easy because the problem here is children. I wanted to make the joke that I would love to have a family draft with them all present. You know what I mean? Establish dominance. Exactly. Know where they lie. But the reality is you're going to get one.

I mean, you just can't draft everybody at the same time. So you're going to get a kid that goes last. See, I actually think the kids is fine because you get to explain each pick. It says it in this question. You must explain the picks, and that one's easy. It's like, hey, kids, guess what? You came into the world in a certain order. That's how I would go.

Oldest to youngest. Deal with it. That one's easy. But what if I really want one of them and they're not the oldest at that point you gotta follow your heart you wanna go that direction too what's more concerning

I love you more route you've gotta we love all of our kids the same what I want you guys to know is that's not actually true I love you more and I love you the second most. What do you do about mom and dad? That's in order of who would be most offended.

Right. Is that what this draft would become? That's the whole draft. I feel like the whole draft is just who will be. Whose feelings do I have to protect? In other words, Jason would be at the bottom of our work draft just because I know he wouldn't give a care yeah that's true like yeah whatever that makes sense cool let's play some foosball yeah i would play foosball so that i could dominate you and that's why you'd be my last pick but i guess i will choose to rate my family members via draft because my you know

they'll get over it but my livelihood won't get over not being able to draft fantasy football players i mean and you have you have siblings so you have to deal with that i just have the one sister so i don't have to worry about oh yeah who i offend with that yeah it's a good point well but i mean where does she does the do the parents come first or she come uh first i mean you still have to deal with just because you have one, you know, I've got one sister, but is she near the top, near the bottom? I mean,

those things are going to hurt feelings. Or what if Mike, you were drafting on behalf of your family and you're drafting the extended family, and then you've got to decide your parents or your wife's parents. Then you've got yourself a little predicament. Drafting as the proxy for your family. Our family chooses these

people oh man brutal that's the real that one would be tough you know what i would like doing that mike or you gotta do what you gotta do all right i would trade all of my picks for like the 101 and draft whoever I think is my favorite person. And then, and then, sorry guys, I would have drafted you,

but all my picks are gone, but you're not the favorites. No, no. I mean, exactly. You're not the favorite. I draft my wife.

I draft my wife and say, look, you know, till death do us part. She's gotta be my one-on-one. And then everybody else, you got to understand. Cause you're not my wife.

All right, Luke from Twitter. Would you rather drop a two ski in a porta potty with charmin ultra soft or in a nice hotel bathroom with the cheapest toilet paper money can buy this is not this is actually a very difficult question for it is yes i see it being difficult for you It's not difficult for me in the slightest. This is philosophy. This is a, was this, who sent this in? Aristotle? Is it how you start or how you finish?

Well, isn't it more about like, the reason it's a tough decision for me is because if you're in a port-a-potty and you're dropping a two-ski, as Al Borland has written in here, from, I guess Luke has written in. It's not the destination, it's the journey. That has written in here. I guess Luke has written in. It's not the destination. It's the journey.

That's my philosophy here. And porta-potties smell bad. There are flies in there. They're hot. So wait, you're going hotel bathroom with cheap clothes. Look, I... Now, hasn't your booty and Jason's booty become so used to the bidet life that you may bleed out?

It's true, but i will say that my precious can handle one a little one-off did you just name it your precious isn't that good okay hold on let me condition this so it's harder to decide one wipe to rule them all oh my goodness oh i love it i love it so let me let me make it harder for you. Or Jason, do you want to contribute your thoughts first? There was one thought I had. As Mike mentioned, what I think is the worst part of a port-a-potty, it makes it... A port-a-potty.

A port-a-potty. I feel like this is the root of all of the evils of the port-a-potty is how hot it is. It's stagnant and hot. But I wonder to myself, we're in Arizona, right? So, I mean, this is a nightmare. You could die in there. But, like, if you're in Minnesota, are port-a-potties just better? Are they like, oh, yeah, let's go use the –

is there a section of the world where port-a-potties are fine? Yes, if you warm up. No, no, man. Not dead of winter. Not dead of winter. It's terrible. A nice day is better than a warm day. A warm day of warming up everything in a porta-potty is not good.

I feel like I'd much rather be freezing in a porta-potty than sitting in the heat of everyone's nasty poop. Mike, I'm going to make this harder for you. Okay. You said you would happily take the bad toilet paper. But no, never mind. Never mind. We'll leave it. We'll let it be.

It's all about the heat, man, because it's like a hot turd or a cold turd. Yeah, but what if you got a real bad wipe situation? You got a half bad wipe situation? You got a half hours of wipes ahead of you. You had Chipotle last night. Yeah, I'm not talking about little ones. Look, everybody can live with the cheapest one ply for a wipe or two. But what happens if you have to commit to a nice, a solid hour of runbacks?

But here's the thing about one ply is as soon as I put two of them together, they're no two ply. No, I've brought this up before. That's such a lie. Because one ply is as close to printer paper as possible texture wise. So yeah, you can have it thicker. It's not as soft. I agree.

But it's still going to be. They have to print it that way because it's one ply. Yeah, exactly. You're going to get like a 90 pound card stock that you're going to be be using once it's actually hallmark hallmark makes it yeah i'm i'm i'm gonna still take the hotel though because we live in arizona and sitting in the heat of not my own dookie how short does the the port-a-potty trip have to be if i told you it's a two-minute port-a-potty trip have to be if i told you it's a two minute port-a-potty there's no such thing my man there's a 10 minute minimum i'm already here this is me time i don't want my me time in that box it's a 10 minute minimum okay so you're taking your me time regardless of the fact

that you're in a port-a-potty you You're like, no, I'm going through my email no matter what. Exactly. When I'm in the hotel, that's an hour. I ain't never getting to it. It's going to be dry. I was going to say, you won't need the one ply if you just let it dry out. All right. Gross.

All right. Misty from Patreon. Would you rather have the ability to reverse time, stop time, or or skip time let's talk through the implications here reversing time yes roll back something roll back everything yeah that like that one stands out as the immediate that would be the go-to because then you could fix whatever problem you just made but you're right we need to top just talk through these things of stop time has applications of there's there's never enough time in the world to get all the things done that i want to do like jason talks about his me time it's like we're at home right now trying to take care of the kids like i want i want to throw on the final fantasy 7 for like 10 straight hours

that's that's an impossibility. I can't do that. You pause time. What was that TV show? Out of this world. Out of this world, yes. Where she put her fingers together and bam, everybody froze. Time stopped. You can do whatever you want.

That was so cool. That show was awesome. So that's the middle question here. The pause time is out of this world. The pause time was always one of those things where it's like, if you saw something coming, it's great. If you don't see it coming, it does you no good, right? You're not going to magically pause time before you get T-boned in an accident

or something like that. You could. Not if you didn't see it coming. Yes. Not if you're rear-ended without looking. I would say if you don't see it coming, reversing time also will not help you because if you're in an accident, you're rear-ended without looking i would say if you don't see it coming reversing time also will not help you because of your art like if you're in an accident you're already in the accident it's just it's the application of fixing a problem giving yourself more time or skipping time like traffic travel all these you could argue that pausing time is

better than reversing time from a practical standpoint minus the gambling in the sense that oh yeah you instead of having to undo things that happened you can stop things from happening you know what i mean you see something bad going on you pause time you take care of it and and then you unpause. Well, I was thinking about that. Yeah, I was thinking about that with the epidemic. If I could stop time, I would need to stop it for like a couple researchers would need to be in there with me. Absolutely. The way that the rules work. Out of this world, all you got to do is touch someone.

Can you put anybody in? Absolutely. You tag them in, and then they're in that pause time. How many researchers do I need to knock out the corona cure? Once you get the first one, they'll let you know who they need and then you just tap tap them in tap tap it's it's also my understanding that you do not age while time is paused oh you don't no so if you want to have you know 10 years to yourself that's a really tough question yeah then how many if you get to extend your life oh that's trippy how long would you go

i would over the course of my super long do you want to live alone for 200 years no not alone it doesn't have to be alone oh that's true it doesn't how do you just unpause the people you like you're just sitting there every you want to go to the beach with no one on it or at least... But are the waves moving? No. No. You can't tag in the beach. No.

That's a problem. You can't tag in the beach. One of the biggest challenges here. Going forward in time is stupid. The only thing that lets you see is what the future looks like. But at that point... People could skip their work day every day. No, you could...

People will see practicality from that. You start your work day, you end your work day and family are dead. No, you could... We'll see practicality from that. You start your work day, you end your work day, it's over. Yeah, shortening your life. That's true, but like a 16-hour flight? Like, ugh, I don't want to do that, but lickety-split, it's over. You know how many times I've taken a 16-hour flight in my life? How many more would you take, though? Yeah.

No more. Two? It's not the hours that gets in the way of me deciding to take this vacation. It's the time. So if I could pause time. Yeah, I'm going to go pause time. Because if I could do this every time my kids are yelling at each other. And just get a little break, Ski.

I mean, there's a reason it's called Out of This World, man. Because it's outstanding. It is Out of This World. I'm going out of this world her alien dad was like in a box or in a little cube yeah yes that's i've got it look we've got a show that's pause time and go watch a few episodes absolutely all right mike are you going with stop time too oh my gosh I remember the song. Is that the song? Yeah, if you want to swing on a star or something. Swing on a star?

Yes. Oh man, the stuff that is in the recess of our mind. I'm going to guess Al Borland has not seen this show. Oh, I used to love that show. I was going to say it was a long time ago. Of course he saw it. Wow, I'm impressed. As practical as it is, you mentioned the gambling part of reversing time and it all

goes back to the money who won the super bowl let's obviously go back in reverse time you are aware of everything that happened right yes you're not reversing your my reverse time yeah otherwise you otherwise you're not reversing time you wouldn't know that you reverse time and then you're just stuck in a loop we maybe we already reversed time and we don't remember it now oh we did yeah 98 other times david from patreon would you rather split your pants every time you bent over to pick up anything below the waist been there or would you rather loudly fart every time you do that. Split your pants or loudly fart. But how can you split your pants every time? How?

You've been down four or five times. They're gone. You don't even have pants at that point. They are disappeared. Split your pants feels like the same equivalent of a banana peel joke in a cartoon. Nobody really does this like it's always the joke on a movie jason's face says that it has definitely happened i have split your pants definitely split pants and i would i would say five times

a week wait not five times a week no five times five times in my life. This is more than twice? Where do they split? I'm curious. Genuinely research here. Is it a perfect butt crack split? Have you had a cheek split? It is usually a cheek splitter. It's real?

Oh, it's totally real, my man. I thought this was a joke. When you've got Saquon thighs like I have, and you go down low, you can split the butt right out of them pants. And here's the problem. So just to be clear, it's all about your super strong thighs. 100%. Nobody could split pants without the musculature that I have around my buttocks. Musculature.

But here's the problem with David from Patreon's question. They have not split their pants. And here's how i know this because when you split your pants it is pretty much as loud as a fart okay so this is either way you are telling everyone around you there's a problem over here everyone come look so you either farted or they think you farted and you have a hole in your pants yeah you always go the fart route then you got to go the fart route but see that's the that's the better situation is they think you farted and you have a hole in your pants. Yes. So you always go the fart route then. You got to go the fart route. But see, that's the better situation is they think you farted.

When they find out that you split your pants, that's worse than a fart. But you did fart. They didn't think you farted. You did fart. No, I'm saying if you split your pants and they think, oh, you farted, but you also have a hole in your pants. No. When they go, did you just split your pants?

That's embarrassing. So you said five times. I'm curious the material split on each of those five times. Almost always khaki. Oh, that makes sense. Because I used to wear a lot of khaki shorts. You don't have the musculature to destroy denim. No, no, not yet.

I'm working on it. That's why we work out. I want to split all my material pants. that's why we work out I want to split all my material I don't think it's possible to split jeans with just size I would think if you wore that denim down

a little bit you might be able to get there you got to make a pre-cut you got to get it started we could do that we can arrange that alright any other thoughts there are we moving on moving on moving on that's a great question all right noel from patreon what collection did you have as a child that would have been worth some sweet cash today had your parents not thrown it away

see i think we i feel like we grew up in the 90s and that was the time when everybody was hip to collecting yes because the parents generation had all these things that if you had hung on to them whatever it would be the star wars figurines or the baseball cards or whatever there were the people selling that stuff on ebay in the 90. But then everybody in the 90s just collected everything they already have, so it's like diluted, the rarity. Did you have – I mean, I had Pokemon cards that I think would have been worth money that my parents got rid of. Are Pokemon cards worth big money?

The original stuff I think is worth some money. It's not like baseball. Like baseball cards or sports cards, you get a – I had a bunch of Picasso paintings that I threw out. Oh, that would have been a good collection to keep. My parents threw them out. I'm really surprised that your parents did not want to hold on to those. Are sports cards really actually worth money?

Anything besides, I'm saying, the actual classics of the Babe Ruth era? There's a handful of ones like a jordan or griffey rookie that are worth money but not i feel like i saw a jordan card just sell for like 12 grand or something like that yeah some of that stuff's worth money don't get me wrong i'd love to sell a basketball card for 12 grand but that's not like if you had held on to that you don't get me wrong i'd love 12 grand i'm saying I'm not set for life here. Did you... What other collections did you guys have? Did Jason...

Did you have any Beanie Babies, Jason? I did not have any Beanie Babies, unfortunately, because... I would have guessed. Those did well for a while. No, for me, it probably would have been... I don't believe people were selling those. It would have been a Magic the Gathering card collection. I had a massive massive collection

i had some rare cards in there and i know they sold well did your parents throw them away parents did not throw them away i i here's my recollection i went to college i brought my binders and my boxes of cards or whatever and college is where you really want to be there cards to school well i moved to a different city and I brought all of my things. So, yes. Wait, but I'm saying you moved away, but did your family stay put? Yeah, I went to live. Yeah, so you brought your magic cards to school.

Yeah, well, I brought them to where I lived. You took them out of the attic to make sure you had them with you. I lived off of the school. I did not live on campus. You brought them with you to school. them to where i lived off of the school i did not live on campus you brought them with you to school i i i brought all the things i owned to where i lived you brought your magic cards to college i i never once i never once brought my cards to the campus that's not what i'm not accusing you of that yeah you did go off to like you went to live.

I mean, you didn't move in permanently. You were going off for school, right? Well, I never, ever, ever moved back home. So, yeah, that was that was me leaving forever. I never came home. Everything that I ever had went with me. You never went home. Not a single time to collect something to bring to your new.

No, he had his. He had all he needed. Money. He had the he needed money he had the magic cards he had everything no but here's here's what happened to them i went there they went in the closet i never once from from college on ever played i still to this day have ever played a single game of magic so it was like a high school thing i don't have a clue i remember oh that's years and years and years and years and years later, probably another apartment or two later, thinking to myself,

man, I might get back into this. I wonder where my cards are, and I couldn't find them ever. Oh, that stinks. Did you collect stuff, Mike? Did you have stuff that you collected as a kid? I mean, I was all in on the Pogs craze. That was the nicest two weeks of your life there? You get a good one, that thing could go for three bucks, man.

Yeah, those had no value. I mean, my video game collection is actually still pretty strong. I wish I had never sold anything. Look, kids, the theory of game stop ripping you off for all of your games that's not new that's been around for a long time that business model has always worked back when you need a few bucks when you are a kid when you are an eight-year-old kid and you want the new game and it's oh well i could go sell the 10 that i own to get one new one and unfortunately i did that because i wish i had more of my classic nintendo cartridges that's the way it was with

cds too the cd trade-in as a kid i had you know yeah we'll give you 17 for those 38 cds okay i get my new album all right glenn from the website ready here's his great question jason you were gonna say something i just i'm i was gonna say i'm really surprised that you didn't have a collection you strike me as someone who younger would have had a really solid he had cards collection talking to me yeah oh yeah i had i still have them i still have tons of old uh basketball cards and stuff like that worth i have not i have not checked their worth i think uh every time i've moved and brought them with me i've looked at a few of them in there and gone wow that's worth a dollar and then put them back in the

closet and you're looking at your best ones right i'm looking at my best ones yeah well you know what the funky thing is now is if you get a good card, you don't have a good card. You got to go send it off to some place that grades it and puts it in plastic. And then if it's not graded well as like perfect corners, then you can't sell it anyway. So I used to love collecting cards as a kid, go to card auctions, but kind of grew out of it. And my kids never got into it. There was a time I had basketball cards. And I do remember looking up in the magazine the values

of the range. Oh, yeah. I remember doing that. And you'd look at the highest in range for a card that you think you have that you probably don't. I had tens of thousands of dollars worth of cards when I put it in the mail. I was like, I'm going to be rich. No doubt.

All right, Glenn from the website. There's a worldwide population, he's letting us know of 7.5 billion humans there are about one quadrillion ants so if there was a global ant rebellion he wants to know how we would do our share do our part because we'd each have to kill 133,333 ants there ain't no chance man i man. I established my value to the ants, to my new overlords. You start taking out humans? Yes. He just submits to them.

He bows. You're darn right I do. If the ants want to take over, it's done, man. It is done. It's over. You know, with zombies, it's like, get to high ground. Can they climb that tree? I doubt it.

The ants can climb anything they want. I mean, you're going to need to go to outer space if you get to high ground. Can they climb that tree? I doubt it. The ants can climb anything they want. I mean, you're going to need to go to outer space if you want to get away. Are they going to form humanoid shapes with their masses? Have you seen the ant bridges that they form? They're terrifying. They're terrifying. So you can't kill 133,000 ants. No.

No chance. Me or you? What would your best attempt be? Let's say you knew they were on fire. Fire seems like the right solution, but I don't know. I'll probably mess that up and set myself on fire. The number one hazard of

flamethrower. Can ants get through honey? If I surround myself with honey, can any ants get to me at all? That's a great question. They will sacrifice themselves to build a bridge I mean, if I surround myself with honey, can any ants get to me at all? Yeah. That's a great question. They will sacrifice themselves to build a bridge over the honey. Oh, they will bridge over that honey.

Because I was thinking the same thing. I'll cover my body in honey. Is there a substance? Is there like salt that for some reason they just can't walk through salt? Like a slug? Yeah. It's going to burn. I mean, obviously there are ant repellents, right?

I mean, we have the technology here in the human race. But we don't have the worst ones, man. Have you seen the Siafu? That sounds made up. Oh, I have not seen the Siafu. Okay, well, if you want to not sleep tonight, you should go watch some of that stuff. Did you just Google ants?

No, I remember the Siafu. You already know that. I already knew. See a food. You already have. I already knew of them. And because I don't watch nice, I've watched several documentaries about it. Like these are ants in Africa that will eat like they have to figure out how to live with these ants around them because like these ants will kill your baby like that. That's how insane these ants are and how large and how well they work together they are terrifying they were uh if you well i guess we've tried to pretend this movie doesn't exist but they were uh hollywoodized for the new indiana jones movie where like the people

have end up getting eaten by ants which is i mean, they take it out of control for the movie. But legit, these ants are insane with the animals that they kill to eat. Yeah, that doesn't seem good. I mean, it seems like a bad thing. Somehow I spelled it in a way that was compatible to find all of them on Google. I was so happy with myself. First try. Well pronounced, Mike.

But yeah, the ants would be a problem. Have you ever had an ant infestation in your house? We had one at our old place, and it was like we're searching for things to create barriers, and we just ended up with a room of our house just covered in cinnamon. I mean, cinnamon was everywhere. I had a thing of easter candy one year i believe they were like giant uh rice crispy marshmallow treats and like i didn't want to eat them so i like i put them in

on the floor in my closet like behind tubs so that no one would come steal my candy things you think of when you're a little kid and i forgot about them until i didn't and they were covered in ants the ants found them that was for sure and that was that was a very school with you very unpleasant discovery to find thousands of ants just in your closet oh yeah we we had um when when we lived out lived out at our Scottsdale house and we had a really large yard, we had some ants in certain corners of it. You'd find mounds. And then somehow, some way, they got into our master bathroom. And one day we're like, wait, where are they coming from?

Trying to get the water, maybe? I have no idea. We had an under the slab water leak. And I don't know if that's where he kept his marshmallows a crack or something related things but there was a gunk his master bathroom there was a a moment in my life where um i was scared while in the shower because i am a very frightenable man and my wife loves to scare me, where I, this was just perfectly timed up in my life,

where we had ants on the floor of that bathroom, where I slipped, fell, grabbed the shower curtain, took it off the wall, it fell on me, while I fell on the ants, and here I am, naked,

wrapped in my shower curtain, covered in ants, that happened. Oh my shower curtain, hurry, covered in ants. That happened. Oh, my goodness. That would have been the end. That's when you surrender. Establish your words to the ant overlords. That's right.

You bow down to the ants. When you're wrapped up in a shower curtain, covered in ants, butt naked, yeah. Okay. Al, do you have any strategies? I mean, you are the handiest of men that we know. He just has an easy solution. How would we potentially survive?

He's like... Yeah, I got nothing, man. We had an infestation in our house, and I about burned the house down. All right. Lennon from Twitter. What are some of the least appropriate times to wink at somebody oh man i feel like that is when you're pulled over by the police officer like that's a good way okay that if you keep repeating the wink to the cop our producer brooks has come in and said

anytime apparently brooks is very anti-winking he's wink he's wink averse he's a wink averse producer i don't blame you they're like i've seen a lot and he's winking now i've seen a lot of winks as we all have and i would say the wink lands at a probably a three percent rate at the best where you're like oh that was a good one good way no. It always lands at 100%. But 97% of the time, it's creepy. 97% romantic. Yeah, absolutely. Sultry. If you are very charismatic and you do something really charming

and you give like a happy wink, those can land. That's creepy. No, but not for everybody. But I'm saying those are the only ones that do land when you wink like to use it as a just kidding or like a you know follow what like do you always give the do you always throw that in there or do you just do the wink or does that make it worse i think that makes it worse for sure i think that makes you the worst person that this earth has ever seen yeah you put the finger guns you go

finger if you're gonna do the sound the finger guns have to be out but i would say on the and then end it or begin it with a cat call obvious oh yeah for sure just the worst person oh man i feel like winks are out of style i think they were more in style about 20 years Just the worst person ever. Oh, man. I feel like winks are out of style. I think they were more in style about 20 years ago. Wasn't there a time period where winks were in? The wink land rate wasn't 3%. It was like, you know, you could do something nice for somebody and wink at them, and you weren't the creep of all creeps.

I'm telling you, there was a time. It was probably the 80s, probably, where winks were, they were in. And they were accepted and hot. I understand that they were in, but I don't think they were ever good. You ever do the double wink? The blink? The blink? Or like alternate.

It's less creepy if you do the double wink. I feel like there needs to be a deep historical dive of winking because who invented the wink oh who called it the wink we need to get that time travel to go stop the wink from ever being invented some so bad yeah who was the first person i just searched for who invented the wink and it says a person frederick spencer chapman no if you can't credit listen listen when frederick one of my eyes was training chinese gorillas in in malaya to shoot rifles he found that a large proportion of them were unable to close only one out of one eye at a time hold on you you skipped over oh okay i don't understand i definitely heard hopefully i'm not saying something horribly

inappropriate here well then here's what i heard like not like as in a like gorilla fighters i heard gorilla animals like this guy was trying to teach gorillas how to shoot a rifle i 100% i 100% thought until you said that, I still was on the same schedule. Never could train a gorilla to wink. Or shoot a rifle. Or shoot a rifle. That makes far more sense. I didn't know there were Chinese gorillas either.

This is like a Dr. Evil's father inventing the question mark. It's not. No one gets credit. What's great is the wink is this thing we all know what it is but reading its definition is very funny to me a wink is a facial expression made by briefly closing one eye it's an informal mode of non-verbal communication using usually signaling shared hidden knowledge or intent that is generally when you're gross that's when you use the wink that's the solid wink usage is like

you take something off of somebody's plate when they don't see it, then you wink at somebody else at the table to say, hey, we both know what's going on. Also in definition of winking, never appropriate. To answer the question, I'm going to say on the

stand, that's where I don't want to wink. There is a double wink. When you're under oath? Yeah, when I'm under oath, I'm going to say on the stand. That's where I don't want to wink. There is a double wink. When you're under oath? Yeah, when I'm under oath, I do not want to have a case of the winks. Where were you on the night of May 2nd, 1997? I was at home with my mother. I was at home with my mother. Wink.

Any time you're around your mother-in-law oh no no winks no winks okay well that's that's that's new i didn't know that uh gorillas couldn't i can't get the image out of my head now gorilla trying to wink it can't use the sight because it has no problem firing the gun. It just can't aim very well. There's your title to the episode, Chinese Gorillas with Rifles. All right, let's draft. The Spitballers Draft.

All right, we are drafting the favorite, our favorite, cartoon animals. All right? It was a pivot. We were going to draft movie animals, but then we couldn't think of very many that were from 1920 and beyond. Al Borland had a full list. We had a hotly contested, you know, is this fictional animals? Is this real animals that are, you know, live action? I'm sorry, Al.

I shouldn't have brought this up. I really am sorry. I know you definitely should have brought this up. But, I mean, look. He was taking it so personally. If you are listening and you're upset we're not doing live action animals here, then Owl is your man. I am terrified.

He wanted it bad. I'm terrified that we're going to miss that I'm going to miss something big here. I have such a big list. I know. There are so many. Mike has the first pick. We're drafting favorite cartoon animals. These are fictional cartoon animals.

No real cartoons allowed, Jay. That's fair. I'm trying to avoid any real cartoons. I feel like you started to realize that before i said anything we're totally unnecessary um but mike you have the first pick i think this is interesting it is interesting and now what's tough about this is my my first pick which is my clear 101 because it is it's an animal. Good. Is this like a group

pick or do I just have to pick one and then just trust that you guys don't get to pick another one? I know what you're going to say. You're an absolute jerk. We'll figure it out. Go ahead. It's the Ninja Turtles. Dang it! Dang it! You thought it wasn't getting past

me? I didn't think think you think of them as animals i didn't think of them i didn't remember them at all no i know but you don't that you don't think like back of of i know they're they're i didn't think of the ninja turtles oh i was talking to my wife you are gonna miss some i was i know i was talking to my wife beforehand and she's like you're gonna need my help on this and i's like, you're going to need my help on this. And I'm like, okay. So the first thing out of her mouth, she goes, well, Mike's going to get the Ninja Turtles. And I was like, no, I think he'll miss that. She's a smart lady.

Because I didn't think of that. It is the best pick, too. It is 100% the best pick. The draft is over. Elle was right. We shouldn't have done cartoon. Dang it. That is a world-class pick.

Because I've got a list of a ton of other stuff here that's all stupid by comparison to the Ninja Turtles I've got stuff I love you do have to pick one Ninja Turtle do I have to pick one do I so I just like now that I know we're going to lose to you yeah yeah 100% alright well then I will take Michelangelo

dang it he got the right one that is the best I know who the popular one is I was going to say your your favorite's Raphael. Take your favorite, man. No, drafting to win today. Oh, shoot, man. All right. So, Jason, you're up.

Lucky. My picks suck now. Dude, I was going to come in hot at number two with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and make fools of all of you, and I was super excited. Oh, dang. All right. I'm going to go. Oh, these suck by comparison. two with teenage mutant ninja turtles and make fools of all you and i was super excited oh dang all right um i'm gonna go oh these suck by comparison all right you know what i'm i'm gonna i'm gonna pivot here from my own thoughts uh because i didn't i didn't write this guy down until super late but if you isn't it still your own thought though if you wrote it down

pivot from my from my original thoughts is that better for you that's yeah sure from where i assumed i was gonna go because this isn't this is just i i need a powerhouse that that competes on a classic scale if i don't have the pop culture scale so i'm going mickey mouse you know what i mean i i'm taking the king of disney he is a mouse i'm taking mickey mouse i'm gonna go that route and get the the timeless classic the icon this is unbelievable what a tilt pick i've ever made in my life he was like last on my list he is on my list just because of the the powerhouse that his name carries. But when you break it down.

I just drafted Disney. Dude, Mickey Mouse sucks, man. He's the worst. He does nothing. His cartoons are bad. He's a freaking steamboat willy. Come on. Fantasia's the worst.

You're ripping your own pick. It's a terrible pick. It's awful. You just wanted to show up well on the draft. I got Ninja Turtled. I got Ninja Turtled. You got Ninja Turtled. Now, I didn't have Ninja Turtles on my list, so I don't feel like I'm on tilt. I just don't like anything on my list compared.

I guess I have two, don't I? Yeah. Yep. You're back to back. Stupid. Man. And the one that I thought about taking will get insulted so bad. Good thing we didn't do the Battle Royale here.

Ninja Turtles. Mickey Mouse. He's got magic, right? You know what the problem is? Mike picked something that is simultaneously one of these and is cool. And not many of these are cool as well. So Mike is going to end up in great shape. I'm going to then draft one that

I want him not to have, which is goofy. That's all dirt. That's a dirty little one. That's a kick into the crotch, man. That's a low blow. I know my next pick. I know my next pick after

you pick, Andy. It's not on my list, but I'm writing it take it with number one out of spite. I know my next pick after you pick, Andy. It's not on my list, but I'm writing it down here just because I think it's a Mike Wright spite pick. Oh, let's tear him down. What is happening? Yeah, let's go get him. All right, so I've got a second pick here, and I'm going to go with Snoopy. All right. I'm going to follow Goofy with Snoopy. The biggest odds were very high that you would end up with

just me that i would end up with yes because i'm a kind of guy i'm not taking snoopy it's just an old classic snoopy way better than mickey mouse classics thank you is not better than mickey snoopy cartoons are so much better than mickey mouse cartoons are every bit as dumb as mickey mouse cartoons all right uh i have one that i i'll be really disappointed that you don't take if you don't take it jason yeah this is this is solely uh mike right spite pick right now i'm taking uh darkwing duck you are the worst give me that i totally thought i would walk out my first two pics of the turtles and darkwing duck thank you and i would have it would have been strutting

andy planted that seed in my head oh my goodness destroy mike yes okay destroy mike there are so many cartoon animals by this is so so yeah there are so pick your own i'm tempted to go five rounds but um we're gonna need to go like 10 rounds to kind of weaken the we should have taken uh the other ninja turtles quickly after we talked him into one that would have been so much better. Dang it. All right, Mike, you're back on the clock, and you got two picks that aren't Darkwing Duck and Goofy. Dang it, man.

This is just... Yeah, now you're experiencing what I was experiencing. Darkwing Duck was locked in. I figured I could get Goofy with my last pick because he's not everyone's favorite. I love you, Andy. He's my first. He's my favorite.

To Andy. All right, Mike. Good luck. Minnie Mouse is available, by the way. All right. I know my first pick, it's a newer. This is not an actual classic cartoon, but I think his name is funny. I think the name is Poe, but Kung Fu panda will be my my pick uh the kung fu panda

movies are fantastic jack black is outrageously funny in those and now i don't have darkwing duck gosh dang it man you have really you guys have really shamed the idea of drafting a classic character which no there's plenty of really good really good. There are so many good ones. Look, I took Darkwing, but you can have Donald. Nobody wants Donald Duck. The only thing Donald Duck is good for is now the verb of Donald Ducking when you have a shirt and no pants on.

That's literally the best thing Donald Duck has brought into this world. All right. And then I then i will oh my gosh this is i love this all right this is bringing me great this is where he drafts rap for you he goes all for ninja turtle yeah exactly uh i will take i will take my favorite classic Warner Brothers character. I will take Wile E. Coyote. Okay. Oh, that is an Andy pick. I love it.

I'm not the only one tilt picking now. Oh, this is great. That's not a tilt pick. He's very high up on my list. The Coyote and Roadrunner, that was the only Warner Brothers cartoons I actually liked. Shouldn't you have taken the Roadrunner over Wile E. Coyote? I thought about going. No, because the Roadrunner doesn That was the only Warner Brothers cartoons I actually liked. Shouldn't you have taken the Roadrunner? I thought about going. No, because the Roadrunner doesn't do anything.

Other than he win. Oh, yeah, he win. But he runs in. Meanwhile, Wile E. Coyote is the entire. He's the star. Well, now I'm not going to be able to take Roadrunner after you bodied him. No, Roadrunner is way better than the Coyote. You want a winner or a loser?

All right. So it's to me yep so what uh as you think jason mike you have what do you have right now i have michelangelo kung fu panda and wiley coyote all right i am going to take my favorite of this list, just one that I loved. I always loved this character. It's pretty docile. Oh, no. No, no, no. I love Abu. I love monkeys.

Monkeys are my favorite. And Aladdin is probably my favorite classic Disney cartoon. And Abu, there's great Iagu and Blanket on the Tiger. Raja? Raja. Those are great, but Abu is the clear best animal in that movie, so I'll take Abu. It's a good pick. It's a good pick.

So you have Mickey Mouse and Abu, just to be clear? Mickey Mouse and Abu and Darkwing Duck. And Darkwing Duck. He does have Darkwing that's a powerful pick so do I I'm back on the clock yep your final two picks my final two picks okay well

I'm gonna go probably the most opposite directions that you could go from two characters I'm gonna take Brian Griffin dude you gotta be freaking kidding me you thought it was gonna sneak back to you I don't even know who that is that was my last that was my closing pick

family guy that was my closing pick no it's not you do not no come on oh gosh that's the name of the dog yeah yeah so I'm gonna take Brian Griffin oh good for you Andy but don't worry Mike I will go ahead and ruin my draft because I am choosing from a place of actually adoring this character growing up.

And I think it's iconic and I'll get bodied completely. But I'm going to take Winnie the Pooh to close it out. Oh, no. Pooh's great. Whimsical, fantastical. Winnie the Pooh. If I could live in that world where all he worries about is eating honey, that'd be all right. Winnie the Pooh is low-key hilarious.

The new Pooh movies, he's really, really understated and very, very funny to me. He probably wouldn't hang out with Brian Griffin. I would put the emphasis on low-key. Really low-key funny. Super, super low-key. I almost took eeyore winnie the pooh is not because i fell down the stairs jason moore funny over i mean okay i'm done it's great the

winnie the pooh universe and the charlie brown universe they are as anti-jason moore as it oh my gosh i love both of those universes so much yeah Yeah, those are, we're living in a different world. They make you smile. They make you just feel like a kid. They make me smleep. That's what they make me do. Yeah. Put me to night-night. And that's the thing, is like when I was a kid, those things put me to sleep.

As opposed to Mickey Mouse, which really got you going. That was a tilt pick, okay? That's the heart pumping Mickey Mouse. got you going that was a tilt pick okay the heart pumping that was a honestly i love it when your tilt pick that you take for votes comes back to bite you instantaneous i hate fortnight i where you basically hate yourself at the end of it that pick and honestly now that we're now that we're past the ninja turtles there's a lot of picks that i actually would prefer um there's two that i would like here there's one that is you that i'm surprised you haven't taken but we're not doing we're not doing live action free willy unavailable

no that's not it honestly winning the poos pretty close man he's not wearing pants he's eating a lot of sweets gaining some lbs i feel like shirt never quite fits yeah there's a there's a certain animal that likes lasagna that i thought you might oh i oh he sucks he sucks my son isaac my youngest but i don't know where he found it oh is it the new one oh it's so bad yeah he likes the new one he likes he comes in and searches for garfield specifically and loves watching garfield and my kids my daughter loves it too new series she loves od too but all right there's a couple here that i really like um i think so the one that i i expected to draft i think i've drafted him before in a maybe it was a battle royale draft so i feel

like i'm gonna i'm gonna let i'm gonna let this one go i'm gonna go does pikachu count no no it's not an animal yeah i thought about that one earlier but i was like yeah that doesn't count because it's not an animal all right okay that's fair it's not really an animal i mean a teenage mutant ninja turtle is no longer if you start to open up to like mystical creatures and monsters and stuff like that, then that's just a whole other world. Yeah. Alright. Jason, for the next time there's a heated debate, I would have allowed it.

Just want to let you know that good friend. Okay. Yeah. Just a little breadcrumb. Andy, shut it down. There's nothing I can do. Sure. That was a pretty solid shut down. Okay. I'm going to then take the character that i think i've drafted before uh but this is awesome i get a dragon uh i love the how to train your dragon movies i'm taking toothless uh didn't we just it's not an

it's not an animal a dragon is an animal no it's not it's a mystical creature you just pivoted from one mystical creature to another uh i would like to take there are approximately 200 actual cartoon animals to choose from and you've chosen two that aren't i will say i'll take wally i'm gonna take wally uh the robot seriously well let me have i mean al can weigh in i mean i would allow it to me a dragon falls into that fictional cartoon animal did anyone draft Nessie? And also, I think you were going for mythical creature, not mystical creature. Whatever.

Boom. It's all the same. All right. Thanks, Al. I'm switching again. I'm just showing all my great picks. Are you going Yogi Bear, Al? You can go Yogi.

That's not right up your alley. Bullwinkle? Oh, hey. Take it easy. Rocky Bullwinkle's a good show. I am going to take Stitch. No, just kidding that's another that's an alien all right give me uh give me dory because with dory i get baby dory i get all right a funny character a well-known character and i love the the nemo movies isn't it always hard to choose from the main character to the more interesting character on any of these?

You brought up Wile E. Coyote Roadrunner and those were Roadrunner cartoons. Or you can go like Winnie the Pooh or like some people might go Tigger. Tigger would have been mine for sure. Or Dory or Nemo. Contrarian Mike has no problem with that whatsoever. No, you love it.

In fact, you probably can't take a main character. Yeah, I don't like me taking Michelangelo. It's a little bit painful. I imagine. Yeah, you're it. In fact, you probably can't take a main character. Yeah, I don't. Like me taking Michelangelo, it's a little bit painful. I imagine. You're more of a Raph. You are Raph. You are 100% Raphael. Okay, so I have the last pick to close it out.

Still tilted over Brian from Family Guy. Just take a regular human. I'll allow it so it's fine don't even bother take anything you want i'll take wreck it ralph oh wait does that mean i can take like sonic i wondered about he's a hedgehog you can take sonic 100 yeah but i'm not going to take sonic he's on my list oh really yeah oh sonic's on my list for sure i i am going to take cartoon hedgehog yeah no you are correct uh i will take no one no no no i it's you'll you'll understand all the ones he really, really wanted to come back to him. Nice.

No, I'm going to take Baloo. Yeah. I will take Baloo the bear. Yeah. Fantastic character. And the reason why I'm hemming and hawing is because, I mean, this is a straight-up poll move, but the character that I wanted to take,

just he has no name value whatsoever even though he's not a vote getter man i mean baloo is a name that's recognizable but i don't i don't think this is one of the people no that's what people know who baloo is and no i've like i want blue he's great he's on my list but he's not as funny as steve from like if i say the name steve jason do you know who i'm talking about i say steve yeah you were talking about michael keaton from multiplicity which was a fantastic character uh no steve from cloudy with a chance of meatballs oh great movie yeah i don't know who it is yeah see that's what i mean but you did have you seen the meatballs i don't know who it is. Yeah, see, that's what I mean. But have you seen the meatballs? I don't know. Yeah, I have.

Oh, Andy, but Steve the monkey. All he can say is Steve. Oh, yeah, duh. Steve! I'm a big fan of the mayor. That's my comp right now as I'm trying to be a big deal and put on the LBs. From Cloudy with meatballs? Yeah.

All right, so who are our final lists here? And then I want to get into some names we didn't get to unless we want to go another round. All right, here's some... All right, so who are our final lists here? And then I want to get into some names we didn't get to unless we want to go another round. All right, Mike has Michelangelo, Kung Fu Panda, Wile E. Coyote, and Baloo. Jason has Mickey Mouse, Darkwing Duck,

Abu, and Dory. Andy has Goofy, Snoopy, Brian Griffin, and Winnie the Pooh. I'm also okay if we want to just swap this to be a cartoon animal battle royale, because my team will win that as well.

The Kung Fu Panda and the Ninja Turtle? I will get smashed. I will get smashed. Snoopy and Winnie the Pooh would be dead on arrival. I better have the magic version of Mickey. Here's some names. Yeah, give me some names, Jay. That I was close to taking.

Donkey from Shrek. I had that. He's great. Roger Rabbit. Pink Panther. Sven from the Frozen series. That's not bad. Here's one of my absolute favorites all time,

but I don't know how popular this movie was. No Mickey Mouse. But Heimlich from A Bug's Life. The fat caterpillar. Oh, is that the caterpillar? Yeah. I'm a beautiful butterfly. I'm a beautiful butterfly.

Yeah, he's soft. He's great. And because of my background today, I almost went Santa's Little Helper. Get them Simpsons votes. Oh, nice. Nice. The remainders of my list, I had Pinky and the Brain, although choosing which one of that duo.

That's very tough. Doug from Up, the dog. Oh, yeah. Scooby-Doo, but he's fine. Yeah, where are you? Thank you. And I do have Simba here on my list, but... Oh, gosh!

How was Simba? I talked about that. Yeah, I know. Do you want to take Simba, Pumba, Simone? Scar. Did you say Simone? I did say Simone. That's right. Raven Simone.

She is a bird, apparently. Yeah. All right. You guys covered most of them, unless you were going to go real classics, like you said, Donald or Bugs, or could have gone Dumbo yeah no i was never honestly too big roadrunner tasmanian devil that would have been good i do like him i did i did like him when i was young all right what did we learn today i i learned that there are multiple meanings of the word gorillas multiple meanings of the word gorillas i learned uh that i am defenseless against ants there is no chance

uh that i would be able to uh live if they wanted to kill me and i i learned recently that Jason's not quite sure what an animal is, a real animal versus a made up mythical animal. I realize dragons aren't real, but it's still an animal. In the movie, it's pets. They're pets. They're domesticated animals. Domesticated? A lot of dragons are domesticated?

In that movie, they are. In that movie, yeah. They're domesticated dragons. They're, they are. They are domesticated dragons. They're riding them around. They got a saddle. Eventually, once they earn their actual affection and loyalty, and they're not subservient. That was the big lesson we learned about dragons in those movies.

Very important. You can support the show at spitballerspod.com. Become a spitwad. Thanks for joining us today. Episode 100 coming up. Oh, man. Stay tuned. It's going to be fantastic.

Thank you for supporting the show, everybody. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. I know what you're thinking. You want to help support this show. You're like, how can I become an official spitwad, be part of this special community? It's easy. You just go to spitballerspod.com, click become a spitwad, and boom, you are part.

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